The Original Twilight Role Play!
Experience the Twilight Saga in a completely different way than ever before. Here, you can meet other authors, promote your work, and have a good time within the fandom. Come on in and escape the stresses of reality through the daily lives of characters in the Twilight universe. This is a friendly community where all are welcome. *Closed*
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TheBloodyWhiteWolfxoxo

* * * * * Welcome to The Original TwiFic Review Game! * * * * *


This was a review game for Twilight fanfiction oen for the public. Users could come here to submit a review/critque requests to get detailed feedback for any fic in the fandom. The catch was, before submitting a review, a user had to review the fic in the most recent post, submitting a review to the fic itself and posting that review here before they could request a chapter of their fic for review. It would continue on from here, with reviews and requests in each post.

* Review Game Rules *

  • This was for any kind of fanfiction in the Twilight fandom only. No fics from other fandoms, including crossovers, could be posted.
  • Warnings for all of the following had to be included in requests: non-canon pairings/characters/settings, severe angst, slash/femslash, and mature content.
  • Each review had to be a review with feedback, being 50 characters minimum and be detailed. Any review shorter than that or written in a way that isn't helpful toward the author would not count as a valid review. Flaming also wasn't allowed in reviews. All reviews should have been posted to the actual fic as well as a review.
  • Users could submit multiple requests for the same fic(s), as long as you did not submit the same chapter over and over again.

(Note: If someone posts a request without leaving a review, go to the request about the invalid post and do a review for the correctly requested review.)

* Post Format *

Review: (Hyperlinked fic name, chapter number/name, and hyperlinked author name.)

This is a review from the Twific review game on 'The Original Twilight Role Play!' community forum.

Posted review in italics or highlight. If you aren't sure what to write, try to tell what you thought worked and what didn't, what your favorite part was and what could improve, what you thought happened and your opinion on it or what you think the author could do to make their work better. Any feedback at all is allowed except for flames. This is meant to help give feedback not to trash talk.

Request: (Including hyperlink to fic, chapter number/name, hyperlink to author, and a list of appropriate warnings.)

* Note: Don't forget to post the review to the user's fic as well.

Every post should follow this format and look exactly the same. Copy the format from the post above if you need to see what it looks like. If a post isn't in the format or doesn't follow the rules, it'll be edited out or removed.


Questions and concerns were sent to the moderators and admins. This topic as well as other pinned topics can answer any questions. Feel free to look around.

11/27/2012 . Edited 6/27/2013 #1
TheBloodyWhiteWolfxoxo

(Note: This review is an example review, just to get things started. The following reviews should be reviewing the requests of the latest post.)

Review: Spellbound, Chapter 1: Break this Curse, by restlessxpen.

This is a review posted for 'The Original TwiFic Review Game' on 'The Original Twilight Role Play!'.

It's always the first chapter that is supposed to be the most compelling. And you did a perfect job with that. We know the characters, and so do you -- you don't take time to draw out a huge background and dump out a ton of babbling about what's going on. You start with a metaphor that sets up the conflict instantly and the rest of the chapter (and fic) falls in place with that. The conflict is carved here, showing Leah's desire for Jacob and the way he's trapped in the imprint with Renesmee. The angst is strong and blooms out after this, with careful wording that draws images in the mind and brings the readers senses alive, pulling them in slowly before sticking in the hook with some deep-yet-brief convo and a line of humor wrapping it all up. Very, very well written first chapter, with the content and the fresh, original style. The second and third time reading this through, my eyes caught the grammar mistakes, but other than that, I can't find any reason to change a thing. Well done!

Request: Monster, by The.Bloody White.Wolf.xoxo, Chapter 38: Sinking to the Depths, warnings for non-canon romance, angst, and reference to graphic violence.

11/27/2012 . Edited 11/27/2012 #2
mortal-paralight

Review: Monster, by The.Bloody White.Wolf.xoxo, Chapter 38: Sinking to the Depths

I liked the chapter. I enjoyed the memories, even though some of them were sad and heartwrenching. It's very well written and you have a real talent for writing, even though I'm known this for many years now. Sadly, seeing as I haven't read the other chapters (but want to), I was a little lost but seemed to easily get the gist of everything. Anyhow, very well written, very compelling and I loved this chapter. Continue with the good work.

Request: Disappeared by mortal-paralight20, Chapter 4: Meeting Liam

11/27/2012 #3
Alicia Mirza

Review:Disappeared by mortal-paralight20, Chapter 4: Meeting Liam

This is a review posted for 'The Original TwiFic Review Game' on 'The Original Twilight Role Play!'.

First of all I must admit that I haven't read the two previous parts of your story, which is why I'm not quite sure that I'm the best to write a review to you, but I will try. As I don't know much about the actual plot of the whole story (besides the thing I have read in the descriptions of the three parts of the series), I will try to analyse this chapter. My favourite quote was: "There's a reason we're the ones who found her and I'd like to follow my instinct until it proves me wrong." I loved it as it summed up the chapter well; it said everything about Siobhan's character, how she thought that we should follow our heart and not brain, and that we should trust our instincts. I liked your ways of describing the characters and their personalities too. I don't know what happened with "Marie" (something like in New Moon, I assume), but she seems very much like the Bella in the books. I don't really remember the personality of Siobhan and Liam but after I looked up, I found that they are very much in character too. The plot seems interesting that is for sure, I think I would need more back information to say more about it, but the chapter was well written and the information which were needed to understand the chapter were given. I liked how Siobhan wanted to take care of Bella and how Liam didn't trust her as much as she did. The fact that they took in a stranger is a good idea, although it could have backfired if you didn't write so much about Siobhan's past and personality, but because of your details, people can actually relate to it. Your story made me smiling sadly, the way you described how they found Bella... Well, it wasn't the happiest chapter I have ever read, but it surely gave off many emotions to me, mainly sadness and sympathy. What did I like the most? I'm not completely sure, maybe Siobhan's sympathy, personality and in a way her 'optimism', how she sees the World, also I like how Liam is her opposite, how he sees the World as the plain reality and how he is so overprotective. What did I like the least? Okay, that is a question which is even harder to answer then the one before, as I never liked Bella when she was depressed (New Moon isn't my favourite for a reason), so her character annoyed me even if I know that this is the way she would react to a situation like this. Once again, I am sorry, but I'm not the one who should analyse grammar and spelling mistakes, as I am not a native speaker and probably you would find ten times more mistakes in my works, but my spellchecker didn't notice any mistakes. There wasn't a problem with the reading, it was well divided. I don't like different point of views in one chapter, but as it was divided only into two parts it wasn't distracting. I didn't find many problems with the chapter, it was long enough (nearly three thousand words), well-written and you are even good in descriptions. In all in all it was a very good chapter and it is easy to see that you have spent much time on it.

Request: Thunder and Lightning by Alicia Mirza, Chapter 7, Of ditching and codes, warning for non-canon characters

11/28/2012 #4
A single star

Review: Thunder and Lightning chapter 7 by Alicia Mirza

Even though i haven't read the full story i found the chapter very interesting and i became curious as to what was in the other chapters. I like how you've done something different other then Edward and Bella stories. The chapter is very good and well written and i would gladly read the rest of the story. I liked how you've used bits from the book but instead of Edward taking Bela home you have Jasper. I also like how you've got new characters. It made me laugh when you wanted her to slap Jasper and how they argue. All in all a very good chapter!

Request: Review for one kiss chapter 11 by A single star

12/11/2012 #5
find me at blodreina

Review: One Kiss Chapter 11 by A single star

This was interesting. I'm assuming it's all-human? I haven't read the rest of the story but I did still enjoy this chapter and I'll probably go back and read the rest of it later. I noticed a few mistakes with grammar, but they didn't really make it hard to read, just harder for me cause I'm a grammar freak (which does not show in this review :P) Good chapter. :]

Request: My Brother Chapter 1 by XxPeterWhitlocksGirlxX

12/12/2012 #6
The Sleepy Wolf

Review: My Brother Chapter 1 by XxPeterWhitlocksGirlxX

It's not my usual thing but broaden my horizons and all that. It was good overall, grammar, spelling, punctuation, the main issues but I feel the first part, when Josette was a child, it doesn't feel like you're in the mind of a child. How old is she, 5 - 7? That's my only problem with this. We didn't get a back story with Jasper did we, or did we and I've forgotten it? The second part really shows how a family reacts when a child dies in battle, and hopefully as the story continues we will see the full effect.

Request: Misery Chapter 1 by The Sleepy Wolf

12/12/2012 #7
TheBloodyWhiteWolfxoxo

Review: Misery Chapter 1 by The Sleepy Wolf

This is a review for 'The Original TwiFic Review Game'.

The first paragraph sets up the scene really well! I loved the imagery there and found it mixed right in with the emotion. It gets right into it, but the flow is smooth enough that it works.

In the 8th line, Jasper refers to Bella as 'the woman'/'the woman's gaze'. I don't really think it's necessary to refer to her as 'the woman' when the reader already knows it's Bella. But that's your choice, of course. :]

And this is all human??? Not sure at this point other than the beer, cigs and different plot points revealed. Maybe stating an appearance of one character in the beginning would help to make it clear that they're both human. (If they are. I'm not sure at this point.)

"Jasper stood up and grabbed Bella's shoulders roughly, startling her. "Look, I get it. I f[*]cked you over and over but I won't this time, I promise you," Jasper moved his iron grip from her arms to her wrist. "Please." Bella ripped her hands out of his grasp and took a step back."

That looked really choppy to me when I was reading it. Maybe putting it like this would help?

"Jasper stood up and grabbed Bella's shoulders roughly, startling her. "Look, I get it. I f[*]cked you over and over but I won't this time, I promise you." ((No comma needed there.)) ((Maybe adding something about their eyes here, to show what species they are and to add some emotion)) Jasper moved his iron grip from her arms to her wrist. "Please." ((New paragraph needed here since the action isn't related to the character speaking and it's a new idea.)) Bella ripped her hands out of his grasp and took a step back."

"'You had your chance!' Bella exclaimed, trying to make him listen." - Is the last bit necessary?? You could show that instead of tell that straight out to improve the imagery here.

""You think I didn't want you?!" He asked, shock colouring his voice." The last part isn't necessary either, since we can tell he's asking and his head snapping up shows his shock without telling it. But if you want to keep it, the 'h' in he should be lower case.

The dialouge is also a little fancy. 'Do not' and 'Cannot' are more formal and in general conversations, most people just use contractions like don't and can't. If your characters aren't really formal, it would possibly improve the dialouge for your characters to use the contractions. Again, your choice on how you want it to come across.

""I was scared," The honey haired man..." Yay, an appearance description! :D But, there could be a new paragraph once it starts talking 'The honey haired man' and you don't need a comma in the quotations since it's not describing how the character's talking. Should just be a period.

"....and walked over to his ex lover and the woman who was once his best friend." So now we get some more background. That's awesome. :D But it's a little too much telling instead of showing. Maybe changing it to be describing his feelings and how they still were there or had changed would help to show to the reader instead of tell.

"His voice lowered to a whisper...." could be a new paragraph.

"You're not a f[*]ck up, Jasper. You're just... emotionally complex." Her lips slightly twitched into a hint of a smile." Nice touch of humor to the situation which is always good to see in the middle of a tense scene. And you added it in well too. :D

"He raised his eyes to his friend, whose mahogany hair fell tousled and casual down to her waist." Awesome imagery there. :D Could make a new paragraph with this line and you're only describing hair up to this point. What about skin? Clothes? Eyes? Can he see the emotion coming off of Bella?

The next scene is really building tension very well. Using parentheses is sometimes a put off to readers so you might want to consider using a hyphen instead. Their interaction is also showing the tension between them clearly, though you did use 'the man' again which isn't really necessary since we know it's Jasper.

Again, even more tension building, making this scene intense. I think you meant 'fever' instead of 'fervour.'

Anddddd a lemon. Coulda saw it coming from all the situation as you hinted it was coming really well but you might want to add an MA warning in the beginning. FF doesn't allow lemons and if any troll on the site catches it, they'll have your fic reported and deleted. I'm not going to do anything about it but you might want to add into the AN in the beginning that this is MA since not all readers are comfortable with lemons in writing and want to be warned.

Great emotion, though the end was rushed. A few paragraphs of emotion or describing the surroundings could improve the scene and make it stronger so it's not all rushed. The end was a great slap in the face; very emotional.

You did an awesome job with imagery, though there could be some showing and not telling. I got the impression that the characters were human through reading, but it was a distraction in the beginning trying to figure it out at first and maybe a description of age or eyes in the start would clear that right up if not an 'AH'/all human added into your summary. Your spelling was 99.9% on it, with the exception of that one word. xD Great grammar with some minor improvements needed and an awesome exposition. I think that this story is gonna be a good one if this keeps up especially when Edward is officially brought in -- I can see some big action coming here with a nice, strong plot. Great job!

Keep writing. :D

-TBWW

Request: Monster, Chapter 23 by The.Bloody White.Wolf.xoxo

12/15/2012 . Edited 12/15/2012 #8
find me at blodreina

Review: Monster Chapter 23 by The. Bloody White. Wolfxoxo

So in the beginning, was that a pregnancy test? Or did I misunderstand?

I like the Jordan/Leah friendship thing.. and drunk Leah was funny. I can't decide if I should feel sorry for the man Jordan killed or not- I mean, he was trying to hurt her, but he DIED. :P Oh well, I guess it was his own fault. *shrugs*

I also liked the end, how you showed an even darker Jordan. I tried to find something I could suggest improving on, like the requirements say, but well.. you're a good writer and I really couldn't find anything.

Request: My Brother Chapter 2 by XxPeterWhitlocksGirlxX

12/16/2012 . Edited 12/16/2012 #9
A single star

Review: My Brother Chapter 2 by XxPeterWhitlocksGirlxX

I really like how this story is written it describes the her feelings well and the scenery around her. I can see how she's becoming obsessed with Jasper and how much hatred she has. I am curious as to see where this story goes so I will more then likely read the rest. I'm also guessing that they are vampire now or have been turned. Very good story and chapters keep up the good work :-))

Request: Reflections of a friendship chapter 1 by A single star

12/17/2012 #10
find me at blodreina

Review: Reflections of a friendship Chapter 1 by A single star

I enjoyed this... it was a bit short, but its a one-shot so oh well. :) This was well-written and it really showed the friendship between Tia and Siobhan. It would be interesting to see you and Ebb expand this, maybe write a chapter or two about some of the moments between them, like the ones mentioned. Just a suggestion.

What was the battle? The one with the Volturi a few months ago?

Request: Not Over Yet Chapter 2 by XxPeterWhitlocksGirlxX

12/17/2012 #11
Captain Maurya

Review: Not Over Yet Chapter 2 XxPeterWhitlocksGirlxX

I really like this story. I have not read Dark Time yet (I'll have to go read that next) but I felt like its easy to follow even without reading that. I really like how you can tell in this chapter that Maria is losing her mind and going insane. One thing that would help to add in though is more scenery descriptions/descriptions of the other characters. But even without the extensive descriptions it is a very good story and very well written! I think this will go great places! Can't wait to see where you go with it!

Request: Jane's Story Chapter 1 AlwaysWithYou96

12/17/2012 #12
Ray Shehzad

Review: Jane's Story Chapter 1 by AlwaysWithYou96

Wonderful Idea. I love the whole theme of this story, where Jane is the hero. I just might steal it! He he, Just kidding! ;D Hmm...Permission to speak freely? Well, there are a few things I'd want to change.

I think Jane is a bit too OOC. A little bit. Jane doesn't seem like the sort of person who would give in that easily. Jane has been loyal to the Volturi for a long time. She wouldn't have turned her back on them because someone said something bad about them. She probably wouldn't believe it.

My advice is that you can keep her in character by changing her reaction. Show that she has faith in her family and wouldn't believe such a thing. After that, Damien could do something to prove it to her.

But I have to say, awesome writing! Awesome plot! Awesome Story! I am so following this! XD

Forgive me if I'm bad at reviews.

Request: What we Left Behind Chapter 1 by FlyAwayFaith

12/19/2012 #13
find me at blodreina

Review: What we Left Behind Chapter 1 by FlyAwayFaith

So, I'm guessing Jasper is going off to war? Getting deployed? Would this take place during Iraq, cause I have no clue xP Is this stone going to play a part in the story? I'm curious about it now.. and Alexis was toooooo cute, I like how you said she looks like Jasper. But is she his sister or his daughter?

Request: My Brother Chapter 3 by XxPeterWhitlocksGirlxX

12/22/2012 #14
tItAnIUm AprIl

Review to My Brother by XxPeterWhitlocksGirlxX

"All three chapters were beautifully written, Maria's increasing obsession towards Jasper was so visible in chapter 2, while Josette's longing for her lost brother was palpable as well. The flow of the story is nice too. Obviously I am going to follow this story."

Request : Finding Edward by tItAnIUm AprIl

12/24/2012 #15
TheBloodyWhiteWolfxoxo

Review for Finding Edward, chapter 1 by tItAnIUm AprIl

This is a review for The Original TwiFic Review Game.

Well assuming that you meant chapter one, here's my review. :D

First thing I noticed was the big bold paragraphs of author's note. When a reader clicks on a fic, they click to read the fic not a big bold author's note that can hurt their eyes. It's best to put your author's notes at the bottom unless you're listing warnings for this specific chapter/fic. There was that, and a summary that sort of gave almost too much away. It was also just repeating what you already wrote in the actual fic summary so I didn't really see any need for that big long bold authors note.

And another nitpick is grammar errors, especially in dialouge as well as sentence structure and wording that could be changed to improve flow and quality. I won't really take a bunch of detail with that since it's a betas job to fix that and not really a review.

The beginning set it up nicely by bringing her back into conciousness and describing the pain. The story/situation was introduced very well and not just all at once. The characters are already seeming to show small signs of characterization since it's an OOC fic. That's always really good for chapter one. :D

Otherwise, I'd just say you'll want a beta to help clean if up and it'll do most of the necessary improving.

Keep writing!

TBWW

Request: Monster chapter 54 by The.Bloody White.Wolf.xoxo.

12/28/2012 #16
missmatchedromantic

Review: Monster chapter 54 by The.Bloody White.Wolf.xoxo.

Amazed by the growth I see in your writing here. Your use of imagery and detail make this chapter powerful and gripping. Descriptions of inner turmoil and the physical play of those emotions pull the reader in and holds them captive. Great work.

Request: CinderBella Author: MissyBlack31 (I have very few T rated fics but still wanted to play along :D)

1/2/2013 #17
tItAnIUm AprIl

My review for Cinderbella by Missyblack31:

"It started with the same 'Edward-left-me' rantings, and i was still holding my breath because I saw the word 'humor' in the genre. I was waiting to get into the mood until I found the first line that made me break a small laugh. "I begin wondering if I've eaten something contaminated. That's not unheard of in our house, my dad being a bachelor and all..." Seriously we all know Charlie is a bachelor, but this idea never crossed our minds that Bella's clumsiness might be a side effect of his poor home making skills... No offence anyone, I do not mean to make fun of our darling Bells, but the line made me think that. After that one after one lines came up, attacking me even harder until I started laughing and giggling out loud. Bella's thoughts were just so funny, and Stephen was amazing. Jake as a gay, wait a minute let me visualize. Oh my god Jake is gay! Anyway I wont write anything else as my review is turning into a rant itself, but I really loved reading some fairy tale stuffs happening with Bella. May be you should continue writing this theme. My suggestion, include more characters. Or make different chapters portraying different situations with Stella and Stephen. The Cullens and the Quilletts both have an army of hot men:)"

My request is Finding Edward Chapter 2 by tItAnIUm AprIl (that's me of course)...

The last review I got from this forum was so helpful that I really want one such review for each of my chapters now:) hope that is ok.

1/2/2013 #18
sallyiya

Review: Finding Edward Chapter 2 by tItAnIUm AprIl

I first wanted to say, I loved the chapter. I plan on reading more later, but the chapter kept some mystery for me. I like how you are very descriptive with each word. You make sure that everything is understood. I also liked how Bella seems pretty accurate on how she acts in the books. When ever I read a Fic with Bella in it, I don't know what it is, but she's always off. It never seems realistic to me. I really enjoyed reading this. If I had to say anything about improving it would probably be to extend the chapter slightly longer. Not too long, but not too short. I hope that makes sense.

Request: Ruined Author: Caliwali6 This is an apology ahead of time for any grammar or spelling mistakes. I try to find all of them to the best of my ability, but some are missed. I hope that's understandable.

1/3/2013 . Edited 1/3/2013 #19
MaverickPaxAPunch

Review: Ruined by Caliwali6

You are a very impressive writer. You captured my attention within the first couple of paragraphs, which many stories fail to do, if you know what I mean... THe first thing I want to say is that I really love that the character who is "narrating", if you will, seems so real to me. I've encountered lots of see-through characters that seem too good to be true, and your character/narrator seems real to me. Do you get what I'm saying? It is a believeable character that could truely exist in the world, right? I like that about it... Another thing is that you kept the mystery and suspense consistant throughout, which I enjoyed. Very well done. Your desciptions are also top par. I liked how you boult up to the moment to know that the little boy was bitten by a vampire. I was surprised, as was impressed that you conveyed the thoughts of a six-year-old's point of view quite well.

I like that you incorporated ballet into it, as I am a fan of ballet, but that is irrelivant, haha. I am excited to read more of your story when you post more. Thank you for a new favorite story!

Request: https://www.fanfiction.net/story/story_edit_property.php?storyid=8422991 (apology for the long link, I couldn't figure out how to get just the name, because I am rather tech intolerant) Let me Go. Author: MaverickPaxAPunch

(again, apology for the long link.)

1/4/2013 #20
tItAnIUm AprIl

My review on Let me go by MaverickPaxAPunch

"The link you gave us here is not working properly, so I went to the story from your profile:)

I loved the summary, and the opening line is so good. But why is the prologue so short? You could have written some more there.

I am not an expert myself, but I know how difficult it feels sometimes writing an abusive relationship. The starting of chapter 1 was really disturbing, and you did a good job portraying an abusive husband. The sensitive and touchy issue of getting married in a right time was written nicely too. It was not too much, not too less. When a woman's life starts changing it becomes so noticeable that it feels suffocating at times. I was feeling the same when I was reading how and why she agreed to marry Charles. Esme's mother acted weirdly, I wonder how many mothers are out there suggesting their daughters to keep quite and endure all the abuses.

Great job. I loved the first chapter, and wish to read the rests in the coming week."

My request is again Finding Edward Chapter 3 , if anyone leaves a comment on it would be great. I am a bit curious about what the readers think on this fiction. Thank you.

1/5/2013 . Edited 1/5/2013 #21
LianeZql

Review: (Finding Edward Chapter 3 by tItAnIUm AprIl)

I don't understand why the first half of the fic. Also maybe describing some of the surrounding and Bella's motions will help readers better imagine the scene. Maybe look over the punctation : "While deciding we both were impulsive,(. or ; instead of ,) we thought we will settle down with each other someday after all." Don't put emphasis on details that don't improve the readers experience : "She rinsed them with plain tap water." By the way, some discriptions are weird: "husband shackled in my neck right now", "With a hesitation, Rosalie hands her a cup of green tea.". Overall, it's a very realistic setting with promise, but I believe the writer should spend more time observing conversations and pay more attention to detail. Hope this helps, and please don't be offended.

Request: Bloody-Legacy Chapter 1 by LianeZql

(Edited to fit rules for posts above.)

1/6/2013 . Edited by TheBloodyWhiteWolfxoxo, 1/7/2013 #22
imjustamuggle

Review: Bloody-Legacy Chapter 1 by LianeZql

I am really intrigued by how this story is beginning! What I found that added character to the first chapter is how you have Anne and Marco speaking to each other and you have their accents typed out, and when I read it, I heard this accent in my mind. Very well done! I also loved their interaction with Carlisle, you could practically feel their reservations and their anxiety. I'm looking forward to reading the rest!

Request: Fix Me, Doctor, Chapter 1:Nice To Meet You, Doctor by justamuggle. No warnings, but it is rated T for some explicit language in later chapters.

1/7/2013 #23
A Midnight Song

My review for Fix Me, Doctor, Chapter 1:Nice To Meet You, Doctor by justamuggle...

I loved the first chapter. Being a Greys Anatomy fan, somehow medical terms always remind me of Meredith and Christina, but what I love about this fiction is Bella was still the clumsy little Bella, and Alice was still the pixie. I am not an expert writer so I could not help you with technical details but I could tell you one thing for sure, that I love your fiction.

My request is my first fan fiction, If Only You Could Know Me chapter 1. I have posted just 2 chapters and wish to post chapter 3 today but before that some reviews would be great:)

1/8/2013 #24
TheBloodyWhiteWolfxoxo

Review: If Only You Could Know Me chapter 1 by A Midnight Song.

This is a review for 'The Original TwiFic Review Game' :]

This is original it seems, and I can see it going somewhere. That's always a good thing because the fandom is filled with the same plots written over and over again, so please keep with this sort of plot. :]

The enterance to the fic was very well done. It wasn't 'hi, my name is, blahblahblah, here's a ramble of things you already know.' It brought us in nicely, though something about the phrase "Sitting in the grand living room of this imperial looking villa was the most uncomfortable feeling he had in his entire 22 year old life." sort of seemed odd to me, almost like a 'Hi, my name is...' statement. Though that might be personal opinion.

You also did a very nice job of showing that it was all human, though that was first hinted at with 22 year old then the green eyes. Well done with that. :D You might want to include in your summary that this is 'AH' (all human) just for a head's up, though, because many readers are drawn to AH fics so labeling that will make it clear and help you get some more readers, possibly, which is always a great thing!

Since this is the beginning, there isn't much else to really point out since this was detailed and set at a good pace. The flashback seemed a little extensive, like it could be broken up and spread out in different scenes, but it's also necessary and if you want it together it's your choice.

And now, the dreaded grammar part.

'"This is crazy." He murmured.' In dialouge, when you're stating who was saying it, there's always a comma and lower case. It should be "This is crazy," he murmured.

The same for the next line. 'Did you say something?" a cold domineering voice...' It's not direct so it should be "Did you say something?" A cold, domineering voice....

etc.

Also, there's some text talk with "mysterynow&then." Though the company might be written like that, the character is speaking and not describing how the sign looks like, so it should be fit with grammar and not a text symbol. It'd read better as 'Mystery Now and Then' instead.

Other than that, you've got a nice start here. :] Good luck, and feel free to continue requesting reviews for your chapters.

-TBWW Request: Monster, chapter 50, by The.Bloody White.Wolf.xoxo

1/14/2013 #25
Captain Maurya

Review: Monster chapter 50 by The.Bloody White.Wolf.xoxo

Okay so Jordan I absolutely love this story. Every single chapter is so well written and always has original ideas throughout the whole thing. For this chapter I loved how as a reader you got an insight into Jordan(Like you normally do in every chapter, a scene of Paul's and Jordan's friendship, and then also an insight into Emmett's. The detail that you have in the story in every single chapter is amazing. You make it so that the reader has no problem being able to imagine that they are in the story. Another thing I liked about this chapter was how the reader gets to see a playful side to Jordan and Emmett.:)

Request: Dark days and darker nights Chapter 1 by GwenAspenLahote

1/23/2013 #26
A single star

Review: Dark days and darker nights chapter one by GwenAspenLahote

I enjoyed the first chapter of your story and the way you flashed back so the reader could get an idea of their back ground. The detail to the story is very good and you really feel for Paul and his sister when there father is attacking them both. I am very curious as to where this story is going and will defiantly read on. Brilliant work :-))

Request: One kiss chapter 15 by A single star

1/26/2013 #27
The Sleepy Wolf

Review: One Kiss, chapter 15 by A single star

Since this was the last chapter, I was thinking throughout 'what the hell is going on?' But despite that it seems like a good idea, an interesting plot. There are some mistakes here and there, punctuation - which is rich coming from me - and grammar, but nothing deal breaking. It seems to me that Edward left Tanya over such a tiny thing and then attach himself to Bella so quickly it gave him a heartless or indifferent appearance. But then again, it could've been the last straw. What do I know about Edward and Tanya's relationship? I don't know their background, if they've been together for 3 months or 3 years. I also would've liked to see Bella with more fire in her, though that's probably a personal opinion. Again, good idea, good plot from what I could figure out, but could use a bit of improvement here and there.

Request: Misery, chapter 2 by The Sleeping Wolf

1/26/2013 #28
tItAnIUm AprIl

Review to Misery, chapter 2 by The Sleeping Wolf -

"The first thing that shocked me while reading this fiction was, Bella getting involved into an adulterous relationship. So I went back to the previous chapter and after reading the first two I think I will be following the next chapters too. Just because I need to know who your version of Bella chooses to be with. I love the way you portrayed the three characters. Edward was caring and loving, though you haven't mentioned much of him and his dialogues were a bit... unusual. I felt them kind of formal. Otherwise Edward was just the person we have been watched and read in the originals. Bella looked a bit confused to me, not sure which way to choose. Or maybe she knows which one to choose but her heart saying otherwise. She was hot, not-so-clumsy and of course romantic. Her interactions with Jasper were cute. Jasper was the magic package for me cause I never actually read him like this. His times with Bella, and his attitudes were so unavoidably cool. I am sure you have written about the reason why the two broke up cause the whole time I read the story this was the one question kept coming in and out my mind. The treatment in the story was different from any other fan fiction, so I definitely love it."

Requested story: Finding Edward Chapter 4 by tItAnIUm AprIl

1/28/2013 #29
Leandra Williams

Review to Finding Edward Chapter 4 by tItAnIUm AprIl

I read the fourth chapter and was hooked. The story had me wanting more and kept me going. It is written very well and throughout the chapters I can feel the same emtions as the characters. I am excited to read more of the story as more chapters come.

Requested story: Monster Chapter 11 by Allysourous-Rexie

2/6/2013 #30
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