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CommonFlower

Doc, I always want to watch your video-links, but I never can, because youtube doesn't like my country! :(

Maybe you can insert the title of the Video the next time? :) That would be very cool!

Eh, in my reviews there are also a few errors. Don't mind them, please :)

3/17/2011 . Edited 3/17/2011 #31
LolaRedMuse

hey endy, the vid was YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE by EMF official version. very very '90's...

ps: thanks for bring it up, i will start including the full titles when i post music, promise :) also, i dont mind ur typos endy, only mine... they me make crazy! I WANT AN EDIT BUTTON FOR REVIEWSSSSSS!!!!

3/17/2011 . Edited 3/17/2011 #32
CommonFlower

Oh, the song is good! And it fits very well!!!

Dum du duuum .. you're unbelievable.

Yeah. A fcking Edit-Button would save the language!

3/17/2011 . Edited 3/17/2011 #33
CommonFlower

Me again (lol)

What just popped into my head. A small thought, I am not sure what you guys think of it.

Maybe one reason why Gillian (maybe) fall in love with Cal was his euphoria, because of the adoption- thing, when she started it first with Alec. Maybe she wants a part of this back?!

I am not sure, just thinking.

:-)

Have a great night / day :-)

3/17/2011 #34
LolaRedMuse

C18 rev: -bonus-

ok so. i screwed up here: "even when she hasnt even been born just ye..." its YET n no just. ok?

n here: "i can see an strong resemblance to my eureka thingy" its: A strong resemblance... etc. ok?

n...mmmm... i think nothing further on the typo front.

BUT

@cloe: Cal has been on board with the whole adoption thing since they met with Kiera at the adoption Agency, remember? he even wanted to trade his heart somewhere to make Gill happy cos he loooves her so! so i suggested on my C8 rev that he goes to PJ's n trades it there. maybe she could help...

also, i think that they have worked on most of their miscommunication issues since they had THE TALK about how he screwed up n how hes afraid n she told him that he didnt screw up n that she needs him. that she wants to adopt but that she cant imagine going through this whole adoption journey without him. on C10.

n, Cal is no longer tip toeing around her... now she is the 1 kinda tip toeing a bit, cos shes scared (i assume shes still shaken by the C word) but thats ok, cos Cal has her back n even tho Gill still has a hard time using her words, apparently... after THE TALK on C10 they r cool, they r back on the same page, maybe not the same paragraph...but works... n im sure PJ is setting something up for when the baby girl shows up in their lives... so i guess the new munchkin can make the trick n finish up rearranging this for the best... thats just me, but the point is that i think u missed the subtext n the side effects of THE TALK so maybe a re-reading will help u keeping ur hopes up n b less tired about, quote: "Cal walking on egg shells around his wife. That's not fair, it's not how's supposed to be between them." hope this lil rambling session helps, bye :)

3/18/2011 . Edited 4/4/2011 #35
Cloe83

Yeah, Doc, honestly nothing of what you said is working for me. Sorry. I read every chapter of this story at least twice (if not more) so I don't think a re-reading is going to help.

I know they already have a talk but quite frankly I think nothing is really solved and Cal just confimed it in last chapter talking about the cracks in his marriage. And I also know Cal has said on multiple occasions that he was on board with the adoption but I also feel like he was very unenthusiastic about the idea of it and if Gillian would have said "you know what? You and Lewis are all I need, let's forget about other babies" (not in these words, obviously LOL) Cal would have felt immensely relieved.

Remember all those times he was purposfully lying to Gill and feignign enthusiasm hoping she wouldn't notice? It's not about wanting more children, I'm sure he would have been delighted to find out Gillian was pregnant again but he was scared shi*less by what an adoption could mean (because the mother could change her mind at the last moment) and the pain could potentially cause to his family and Gillian in primis. But, since he loves this woman with every inch of himself, he went through it all in the hope to make her happy in the end. Which is a great act of love, in my opinion. I have absolutely no problem with Cal's behaviour.

I don't think I missed any subtext around, I think reading a story is mostly about what it can convey to you and not necessarely what the author is supposed to stick into your brain and heart, you know what I mean? What I'm finding it a bit odd is the way things are between Cal and Gillian at the moment. They, to me, look a bit disconnected from each other. Mostly, I feel like Gillian is distancing herself a bit from Cal. It's probably because of the cancer or her worry over the baby or maybe for the first time since Brandon Mitchell she's thinking about what it would be like to raise Lewis and baby girl alone, spending the rest of her life without Cal. Her feelings have not changed a bit, I'm sure of that, but I feel like there's something going on she's not talking about. Just like I firmly believe Cal needs to talk about his cancer and get angry and cry and let everything out in the open without fearing to upset his wife. It's true that he "has her back" every single time but he's not made of steel, you know? He has his own fears and fragilities and sometimes he should be the one leaning on Gillian and be comforted. I think right now he really needs that and he should realize that it's normal and healthy to talk about what hurts and scares you the most and it would be good for Gillian too.

I don't know if any of this makes sense to you or anyone else, maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing and things will completely make sense in the end. I do have a lot of faith in PJ and in this little cute family. :-)

3/18/2011 . Edited 3/18/2011 #36
LolaRedMuse

@cloe: hey, dont b sorry. u r entitled 2 ur own opinion n it sure as hell can differ from mine. although i happen to strongly agree with u on this 1: "I think reading a story is mostly about what it can convey to you and not necessarely what the author is supposed to stick into your brain and heart."

My point was that u just said on ur C18 rev that the story is confusing n that they really need to talk but i happen to have read all those things already. i mean, they were there, i didnt imagine them. there was a whole chapt dedicated solely to their TALK -C10- n what u find confusing i just call twist n turns n the journey the characters go thru in the story, they r not supposed to b stuck in 1 place but flow, right? especially if PJ is writing it. so... i wondered if maybe u had overlooked certain scenes or lines, not completely ignore them, but maybe just not really taken em into account when u analyzed the whole story backwards -as in 'in perspective'- n concluded that u r getting tired of reading Cal n Gill drifting away from the callian tiems we all love soooo much... i thought of reminding u that if u read between the lines the callian-ness is all there, full on, amongst all the crisis n the backs n forths. then again, if u dont c that, its perfectly fine, maybe i just read what i wanna read. as a matter of fact, i think we all do. that brings me back to ur very accurate statement: "I think reading a story is mostly about what it can convey to you and not necessarely what the author is supposed to stick into your brain and heart." u r right cloe.

like i said a few posts ago: its always great to know what u have to say. always always always :)

3/18/2011 . Edited 3/19/2011 #37
LolaRedMuse

C19 REV -bonus track-

aside from my usual typos that im not even gonna bother with 2day i wanna clarify something: "Gill being running away" i was gonna go full bi*** n say: "Gill being a coward n running away", then thought against it n apparently didnt delete the whole thing properly when rephrased... so... there... thats the awful truth.

*Chapt sundtrack: 'Unwell' for PJ n 'Bent' for myself both by Matchbox20

3/19/2011 . Edited 3/19/2011 #38
pjstillnoon

ok kids, so, it's done, but it's not over. for me ltm4 is more like ltm3.2 and ltm5 will be ltm3.3. (if that makes sense. at this point i can't even remember the titles of the fics so just humour me on the numbers ok? thanks).

gillian's side of the story will be explained in ltm5 i promise. ltm4 just got to the point where it had reached a balance and a natural ending, and quite frankly, we all needed a bit of sunshine at that point right? but it is certainly not forgotten that Gillian bordered on unrecognisable in this fic and that her side hasn't been explained - hence ltm5.

um, i don't really know what else to say, aside from the fact that i'm grateful you all stuck around to the end. i really hope i redeemed myself and you can appreciate how the characters have grown but hopefully stayed true to themselves. based on reviews that's what i started to worry about the most with this fic. it was darker than the other fics in a slowly spiralling out of control kind of way, not in a sudden shock like brandon mitchell or NY was; sometimes that's the scariest of all. if you don't wake up in time thigns can change so much you don't recognise where you are anymore. also, this fic had the slowest plot line of all the ltm saga. if you check the timeline it all occurred over a two month period (before lily was born) and then a few months afterwards once lily was with them for real.

so... questions? suggestions? confusions? let me know. lets discuss because now that it's all out there in the open i'm happy to go over it.

read you around...

PJ xxx

p.s. cloe, the two websites you posted for american sign language are the exact two that i use!

3/30/2011 #39
LolaRedMuse

C30 REVIEW - edited n reloaded.

EDITING: so, this is what i actually meant on the my last rev for LTM4 before my fingers took off without my consent n typed something else:

(...)

"So, wow! n thank u n i see that i dont even need to ask: more pls, cos u got that covered. this was such a bumpy ride i cant even n u know i almost fell of the wagon on several occasions but im glad i stayed. this is real too, u know? not as lovely as it was written here n yes i give u that happy endings do NOT grown in trees in RL, BUT 'love' can happen to the best of ppl TOO. -not just that ugly T word- it does n im glad that in this story we, the readers, can kinda compensate for not being humoured with happy endingS in RL without losing the realistic element to it all. i mean, this might b a perfect lovely hopeful ending for them n their family, a time of peace BUT it was certainly NOT a flower n rainbows fest till it got to this point n they r not living happily ever after in a chococlate castle, they r just finding their way back to each other after have wandered a bit -a lot- away from each other along the way. ITS JUST ANOTHER NEW BEGINNING.

(...)

RELOADING:on HOPE & FATE -the concepts, not the kiddos-

I think life is a mix.

i believe that some things R meant to b, but also that we can make a diff with the choices we make. cos otherwise, there will b no point in getting up everyday n living life. n there has to b a point to it. Getting up everyday n trying to make a diff for the better in our lives n maybe in others as well, MAYBE... i think THAT is the point. it has to b. Fate is there BUT Hope is the whole point in life. cos otherwise, its just not worth it.

I love Cal's take on these 2 complex concepts n the realizations he came to at the end of this roller-coaster fic, not to mention saga. i love his journey, his evolution, his doubts n fears n mostly his courage to admit them n even fight them n conquer them n come out stronger in the end, ultimately exactly because of all he's been thru. n still having Gill by his side when the bumpy ride came to a halt, finally... that was just the berry on the callian killer cake. i looooooooooooooooooooved it!

thank u PJ :)

3/30/2011 . Edited 3/30/2011 #40
pjstillnoon

love your take on hope and fate (not the kiddos) doc.

gillian might have wandered around with her eyes closed for most of ltm4 (and ltm3 to be fair), but like you said, after the bumpy ride ceased, she was still there at cal's side and i think that says a lot about redemption for her. she has never pretended to have the answers to everything and she is human like the rest of us... i'll stop now before i have a mega ramble...

i think fate is predestined but that we certainly do make our own choices. you know in your gut when something feels right and when it doesnt. for me, i know its fate, meant to be, when my gut tells me it feels right. when i wander too far away from what is 'meant to be' i start to feel like crap and my life starts to fall apart. if im paying attention to that then i take a step back and regroup. in the 'saga's' instance, i feel like lily was meant to be, but perhaps the circumstances in which she happened weren't quite right. she could have brought them together instead of starting to tear them apart. cal recognises this, which is why he jumps on board with gillian, but gillian doesn't recognise this until much later in the piece (much later being ltm5). lewis must have meant to be too otherwise why else would they attempt that one last try at IVF?

3/30/2011 #41
Cloe83

Ok, first of all, congrats on finishing another story, PJ! You're the best writer of all fandom. :-)

"So... questions? suggestions? confusions?"

Yes! There you go... :-)

What a hard journey this story was... For the first time since I started reading the saga, I seriously felt like I would end up disappointed. Now that I've read the whole story, I can't say that I feel like you've let us down but I honestly don't feel like anything was actually solved in the end. You're right though, we all need to stop now and let things rest a bit and see how it goes with part 5.

I've already talked a lot about my feelings for this story in my reviews, about what, according to me, was working and what really wasn't. But now the story is over and I have a full picture so I can be even more specific.

Topic n°1: Lily.

Not a big fan. Sorry. Nothing to do with the kid, I'm sure I'll start to love her as soon as I'll see more of her in future stories, maybe playing with Lewis or their parents and developping her own personality. I love kids and I'll fall in love with this girl too but I know it won't be like with Lewis, I'll need more time. Definitely can't see her as a miracle cure, far from it. Everything that led to her adoption was quite painful to me because I think babies are the only thing which can tear Cal and Gillian's marriage apart. Again, it's not about Lily but more about what she represents and what babies bring out of Gillian. Not really the best. Which takes me to next topic...

Topic n° 2: Gillian. Cal. Gillian & Cal.

The thing that hurt me the most is that I felt totally disconnected from her during the whole story but I love Gillian and I have faith her behaviour will be explained in part 5. Can't wait for it. The beginning of this story was a bit slow, you're right, but I love the day-to-day and I liked to find out what has happened to them when we weren't watching. I was glad to ‌find out that their marriage was doing fine, they had a satisfying sexual relationship, Lewis was great and well adjusted to both school and his hearing issues and they were finally putting everything behind their backs and starting to catch up their breath. Then the phone call happened and, in my opinion, everything went to hell again. They're back to square one. It's easy to say now that it was all worth it. That Cal holding the little girl in his arms knowing that no one will even attempt to take her away from them is happy and think it was fate and they did the right thing. Cal did the only thing he was really given the opportunity to do, he went on with the adoption because he felt like it was the necessary thing to do to keep his wife with him. He gathered up his courage and strength and went on with it, despite cancer and depression, even if he didn't want to. It's ok, he's a great guy, he loves his wife and wants to make her happy, he feels that's enterely up to him. Maybe that's his new addiction.

Whatever the problem was/is, for the first time since I start reading your stories, I seriously felt like Cal and Gillian should have spent a period of time away from each other. Now, with two little kids to take care of, it probably won't ever happen. Still... Anyway, what I don't really approve it's Gillian's role in all this. All right, I know she's only human, I know a girl for some reason is all she wanted in life but here comes a time when you have to chose who you're going to put first, yourself or your family. I feel like she choose herself. She knew for some time now that her desire to have more children was an addiction for her, something out of her control. Like alcohol for her father or adrenaline for the old Cal. And I feel like after NY, after she almost lost her husband because of that addiction, after she hurted her son by leaving him, she realized what was really important, what mattered the most. That she could be happy with what she had. I feel like even though she knew perfectly well at what risk she was doing this thing, she still went on with the adoption because she wanted it no matter what. And that's not fair to either Cal or Lewis. I mean... if you're an alcohol addict and you see a new shining liquor store down you street what do you do? Do you go inside just to take a look and hope for the best or turn around and run as far as possible? The adoption went well and now they have Lily but what if Kiera had changed her mind? Gillian would have been devastated and Cal with her. But she was so full of hope and excitment that Cal didn't have the heart to stop her as soon as it happened. He tried later, he showed how insecure he was and what did Gillian do? She put distance between her and Cal and attempted to run away. What choice did Cal really have at that point? Not to mention that she was so wrapped up in her little bubble of joy that she failed to notice how unenthusiastic her husband was, how detached and depressed he was getting. That hurt me the most. And I was hoping that cancer was going to be a turning point of some sort for her, that she would realize that she already have a full life, that she was seriously risking to lose her husband not only because of cell in his body that went crazy but also because he felt like he couldn't reach out and find her hand, talk and found her there listening to him.

Topic n°3: what does the future hold?

So, my point is... is there a real solution to all this? Why should we believe that just because Gillian finally have this daughter will be done with her addiction? I already posed these questions before but didn't get any answers so I'm asking again...

Who says that in a year or two, when the kids are older, she wouldn't ask Cal to go all Brangelina and try for other children?

What would have happened if she and Cal had conceived a girl instead of a boy?

Are we to believe that Gillian is really happy now? Fully satisfied?

Does she feel too that something is off with her and Cal or is she so absorbed in her role of mom not to notice her marital problems?

Will Cal ever understand that by putting his own feelings and needs aside and doing whatever Gill asks him to do is drawing a deep wedge between them?

What would have been Gillian's reaction if Cal hasn't been on board with the adoption?

Looking forward to your answers, PJ! And bring it on, guys, let's discuss! :-)

3/31/2011 . Edited 3/31/2011 #42
pjstillnoon

before i begin, thank you guys for your insights... also the following post contains SPOILERS so ltm5 so if you really, really dont want to know anything about it, i suggest you dont read on, however, they are mild and dont give away too much. :)

Cloe, i responded as i read your post so here it is:

Topic One: not sure if I've said this or whether I thought it and it didn't make it's way to screen, but Lily was a catalyst. She was there to force the issue at hand. If she wasn't, NY and the baby thing would have been hanging over their heads for a long time to come. I don't think either of them knew they hadn't dealt with NY properly until Lily came along and forced the issue to the surface again. NY was forgiven and forgotten far too easily for my liking. Gillian still needs to explain herself and I ran out of room in ltm4 because I wanted to make sure they were ok before I moved on to the next part of the issue. Plus, they had to also be in a place of peace before they could be in a place where they could deal with things. You know, dust settling and all that. A break, a rest, a half time before they come out fighting again.

Topic Two: I think square one is a bit of an extreme. Square one was ltm1 where they were in a relationship but it was no better off than the marriages they had left behind. If Cal hadn't woken up and changed his behaviours they wouldn't have made it. That was square one, and ltm2 was an extension of that issue over again. For me, even many years after something has been dealt with, it has the potential to come up again. Even though Cal dealt with Brandon Mitchell, every so often something happens that reminds him and he's angry about it again. That's healthy, because as any wound heals, the s*** right in the bottom works its way up to the surface. If you don't clean it out and let everything out, the wound doesn't heal properly and the scars are bigger than they really should be.

As for Gillian resolving the child thing, she was told she was too old to adopt and then she got pregnant. So she went from hurt to hope very rapidly. Then they fought to have Lewis and that's where issue number two worked its way into their relationship. So for me, ltm1 and 2 belong together. Ltm 3, 4 and 5 belong together. The kids thing is Gillian's number one flaw. We got Cal's flaws through the TV show but not Gillian's, particularly in S1 (which is when this story branched off) because the writer's under utilise her.

All of the ltm sagas have been about how relationships work. You don't always know what's going on in the head of everyone else. As much as you try to be supportive and open, that doesn't mean everyone else around you is going to do the same. Cal opened up to Gillian, he reached out and she wasn't there and that hurts like nothing else but Cal also has a choice to stay or go. He has faith in her that she will get there in the end, and the end is better than not at all. That's what the teaser at the end of ltm4 is about. He tells her the truth. She starts to see and asks him and he tells her and its a massive wake up call for her and she's scared. (Spoiler alert. Or should I have mentioned that before I told you!?)

I think Cal absolutely pushed himself into doing something he didn't particularly want to, but thought would make his wife happy. I don't think that's an addiction. Sometimes that's marriage. And just because he tried that, (and in this case it worked out all right) doesn't mean it was the right thing to do; but he thought it was, that's why he did it. The real test for Gillian now is whether she sees that or not and acts on it. If she doesn't, I'd say they're pretty much over. If she does, they have a real chance of making it work. I also think if Kiera hadn't been who she is, if meeting her hadn't gone right Cal would have put his foot down, consequences be damned. For me, it was Kiera who tipped the scales for Cal. If he couldn't have a frank discussion with Gillian about the adoption he could with Kiera and he got his answers there.

Topic Three: let me be clear, I really wasn't ignoring your questions, I just didn't want to give the story away while it was still in motion! Yes there's a real solution. You will believe she's done with it when you get part 5. In two years when the kids are older so will Gillian/Cal and the issue will be laid to rest once and for all. If they had had a girl instead of a boy, I don't know actually! That's a very good question. There would be no Lewis that's what would have happened. (shrugs) I haven't thought about it. No, you don't have to believe Gillian is satisfied/happy now. But I hope ltm5 will convince you somewhat. Yes, she absolutely feels that something is off, even if she is slow to notice. Yes, Cal absolutely has come to the realisation that putting his own feelings aside has done their marriage damage and that Gillian is the one that needs to make it right again. If Cal hadn't been onboard with the adoption, I think Gillian would have been hurt and they would have fought some more. It would have taken her time to get her head around and she would have been angry and frustrated. But I have faith in her even if no one else does. She's not completely unaware. She's a deep thinker too and she would have got there eventually. (But where's the story if she gets it immediately?)

I just want to add, that in real life, you only really get your own point of view on something and keeping this story from Cal's point of view made it as realistic as I could get it. We don't know what's going on in Gillian's head, and neither does Cal. He's trying to figure her out as much as we are. He can see facial expressions, but that doesn't make him a mind reader. I found out recently that there's not much less hurtful than finding out that someone who is very close to you, isn't on the same page with you at all. Just because you have a laugh everyday and you're both relaxed about things doesn't mean there aren't deep seated problems lurking beneath. Sure, Cal and Gillian talked about NY, things got better, they got back to some sort of normal. But that doesn't mean those issues were dealt with entirely. Lily was the catalyst that brought them back to the surface.

I think Cal recognised that the problem wouldn't be ever fully resolved until Gillian got what she needed. And while actively seeking adoption or trying IVF again while she was starting menopause would have been sheer insanity, when opportunity knocks it was easy to answer. I'm not saying an alcoholic needs to go on one last bender before finally giving up the bottle, but they need to hit their rock bottom and wake up for themselves. Gillian had to do the same. A baby is very obviously not the same as a bottle of vodka, but do you understand what I mean? It got worse, the adoption, cancer, depression, their disconnection, before it could get better. Gillian thinks this is what she wants and she thinks her marriage can withstand it and when she looks back after it's all over and realises that she's done something reckless and crazy and there's a massive chasm between her and her husband, THEN she wakes up and goes 'omg what have I done? And what could I have lost?' The strongest lessons are learnt the hardest. (spoiling ltm5 again, sorry).

I'm a firm believer of being self aware, of waking up from 'the matrix' that is life. There are so many people who are not aware of their behaviours and how they affect others and how they can actively take part in their lives. In ltm1 Cal was relatively unaware. He ran on programmes from his childhood and his first marriage and then he found out what it was like to take active part in a relationship with someone he loves so very much. And he changed. He wanted more of that, because he knew for the relationship to work he absolutely had to. Gillian, for the most part, is aware. She knows there are behaviours best avoided etc because she's a psychologist, but she is a woman too and she had something that was taken from her once. She had a daughter. So when she finally is with someone she loves very much, who wakes her up to her own feelings, it stirs something inside her. She tries to adopt alone and not only does it not work, but she doesn't like it. After she gets married and has a baby of her own she starts to think Cal is a bit of a miracle worker (or a good luck charm? Or just that things with him are meant to be and he is so far the only one that has managed to make the kids thing stick). Like she said, while its exciting that she's having a baby, the best bit about it was that it was with Cal; for all the reasons about him being strong and loyal and loving etc. They're both aware the other is not like anyone else they've ever been with, but just because it's what I would consider 'true love' doesn't mean it's going to be a bed of roses all the time. People grow and change and the things that make us grow and change are 'problems' and 'awareness of the problems'. I would be more offended if Gillian knew there was something wrong and still chose to ignore it up on her high horse. But she doesn't. She realises she's on one side of the room and Cal is on the other and struts up to half way and goes, all right I'm here, can you still meet me halfway?

Ok, I am so rambling away here and I could go on and on and on but I'll stop boring you all to death. Cloe, does that answer it for you? I'm saddened you're disappointed with aspects of the story. I just hope you're not disappointed with me personally. Will you also allow the story the chance to redeem itself? You don't have to be onboard completely and when I say I'm saddened I mean, I'm bummed the story hasn't managed to redeem its self for you. You're free to feel however you feel. I'm not saying you have to feel one way or the other, or even how i tell you to feel let me be clear about that, i just hope maybe ive explained it a bit more?/reassured you a little bit not to give up hope completely...

that's all... for now anyway...

3/31/2011 #43
Cloe83

First of all, thanks for answering and explaining, it was very helpful. I refuse to give up on this universe and this story and that's why I'm asking questions and trying to understand better. I've got a few more coming, hope you won't think I'm being thick or something.

"I think square one is a bit of an extreme."

Let me clear this out a little... Square one for me was not Part 1 but more Part 3. While it's true they haven't really solved the problems that lead to Gillian bailing out on Cal and Lewis, I feel like they were slowly gaining back what they once had, they were starting to be again who they used to be. When the phone called arrived, Gillian was happy and excited like we rarely saw her before while Cal was scared to death. In the span of a few minutes they went from being, if not in the same spot, at least in the same room to being in two different rooms all together. All those little steps that were leading them toward resolution were suddenly erased. When something similar happened in Part 1, when Gillian wanted to adopt, Cal didn't let her desire to have a child change his heart on the topic and they split up. He would never do that now because he loves her even more and because they have Lewis. That would indeed be extreme.

"The kids thing is Gillian's number one flaw."

Yes, in this universe it most definetely is. And it's really not a little thing, it's a very big flaw.

"Cal opened up to Gillian, he reached out and she wasn't there and that hurts like nothing else but Cal also has a choice to stay or go."

Do you really think he has this choice? Because I don't. It's pretty clear to me that Cal would do just about anything to make his wife happy and would never ever leave her or his child (now children). I can see him going to his grave rather than giving up on Gillian and their family. He feels guilty for letting her down before in their relationship and he's willing to do whatever it takes to not let this happen again. That means he had no real choice.

"That's what the teaser at the end of ltm4 is about. He tells her the truth. She starts to see and asks him and he tells her and its a massive wake up call for her and she's scared."

I'm glad she's scared, she should be. Not because Cal could leave her again, it won't ever happen, but because she failed to realize how deeply lost in herself she was during those last months, even when he was seriously sick. What kind of wife are you if your husband is hurting and reaching out to you and you don't even notice? That's what I'm hoping she will ask herself.

"I think Cal absolutely pushed himself into doing something he didn't particularly want to, but thought would make his wife happy. I don't think that's an addiction. Sometimes that's marriage."

I totally agree, that's marriage, that's love. But isn't this supposed to go both ways? Why is Cal always pushing himself and "caving" and Gillian is not? I feel like Cal does most of the work to make this marriage function. Is it just out of love or it is his way to redeem himself for having put Gillian through a discreet amount of inconveniences when they were just partners/friends? Are we sure he does what he does because he wants to and not because he feels like he has to? Because if the latter it's even just a little bit true, he's going to snap for good sooner or later. He won't be able to keep on forgiving and forgetting... Doc was right, no wonder he got cancer.

"If he couldn't have a frank discussion with Gillian about the adoption he could with Kiera and he got his answers there."

That's sad. I know that sometimes it's easier to talk with a total stranger about your feelings than with someone close to you but having a child was something concerning the two of them and they needed to go through it all together. I feel like the adoption process was something they went through separately and that's what bothered me the most. What kind of answers did Cal have from Kiera? The reassurance that she would not change her mind? Because there's no such a thing, in my opinion. Kiera could have easily changed her mind after seeing her daughter for the first time or if her ex-boyfriend would have come to tell her he wanted to raise their family or for any other reason we couldn't anticipate because letting your child go is such a monumental decision that there are way too many variables. In the end, they were just very lucky.

"Yes, Cal absolutely has come to the realisation that putting his own feelings aside has done their marriage damage and that Gillian is the one that needs to make it right again."

Well, what he does with this realisation is the real issue. Will he be quiet and wait for her to get it too or will he try and explain to her what hurt him and what she should do to make it right? I'm not looking for an actual answer to this one, I'm just wondering. How do you make up for something like that? It's not like they could go through the adoption process again or give the baby back or hope for another potentially fatal illness so that she can do things right this time.

"I think Cal recognised that the problem wouldn't be ever fully resolved until Gillian got what she needed."

So, if Lily haven't happened, they would have never solved their issues? They needed that second baby to make their relationship work?

"It got worse, the adoption, cancer, depression, their disconnection, before it could get better."

Yes, it did. Much, much worse. I hope the better will be much, much, much better.

"She realises she's on one side of the room and Cal is on the other and struts up to half way and goes, all right I'm here, can you still meet me halfway?"

Maybe this time halfway is not enough. Perhaps this time she will have to go all the way towards Cal's side of the room.

"I'm saddened you're disappointed with aspects of the story. I just hope you're not disappointed with me personally. Will you also allow the story the chance to redeem itself? You don't have to be onboard completely and when I say I'm saddened I mean, I'm bummed the story hasn't managed to redeem its self for you. You're free to feel however you feel. I'm not saying you have to feel one way or the other, or even how i tell you to feel let me be clear about that, i just hope maybe ive explained it a bit more?/reassured you a little bit not to give up hope completely... "

Don't be, it's not your fault, it's no one's fault actually. If this was my story, I would have had them seriously dealing with the aftermath of NY without bringing another child into the equation but this is your story and you have to do what you feel is right. I won't ever give up on this universe because I love it too much and you know it and even if the story didn't totally redeem its self now I'm willing to give it other chances. :-) I'm looking forward to find out what you're planning to have Gillian do to make up for her behaviour and I really hope you will let her take this burden without having Cal reassuring her every step of the way. She knows perfectly well that Cal loves her so she needs to take her responsabilities for her actions and be strong and fight for her husband without being needy. She knows Cal will be there, eventually.

Really hope you won't hold it against me either, PJ. I've always been under the impression you liked having your readers talking and expaining their POV to you even if we don't necessarely agree. We can't all see things in the same way, it would be immensely boring, don't you think? Thanks so much for taking the time to answer me and feel free to ramble all you want, I won't get bored! I have fun talking with you but if you find this stressfull or pointless tell me and I'll stop!

Have a nice day. :-)

4/1/2011 . Edited 4/1/2011 #44
pjstillnoon

SPOLER ALERT, SPOILER ALERT, SPOILER ALERT

I'm going to talk about and reference ltm 5 in this post so if you don't want to know, then don't read on. You have been warned!

Cloe, I'm just going to respond to each of your points in order...

1 – I liked the analogy of them being in separate rooms, especially because Gillian attempted to physically put them in separate rooms! I see it this way, after NY they took micro steps towards being connected again. After the phone call they started taking larger steps further apart again. Not that their effort after NY was erased, just that it was unwarvelled. Erased makes it sound as if the progress never happened, when in fact, it did, they just came apart at the seams a little, again... im not sure im explaining what I mean... moving on.

2 – Gillian's allowed her flaws. Cal certainly had some huge hang-ups too. Is it that Gillian isn't allowed any? Is she not allowed to be human and flawed? Becuase sometimes it seems to me you (the audience, not just you Cloe) will forgive Cal anything but Gillian's not allowed to make mistakes. The only thing that makes Gillian's flaw a problem is that she acts on it. Cal used to act on his flaws. Like I said, the point of ltm5 is Gillian finally dealing with it in a healthy fulfilling way. Not just saying she's over it, but actually being over it and actually moving on and letting it go... also, what i meant by my comment was her kind of obsessive way of going after having kids not the kids themselves... which to be fair, isnt really fair at all. in ltm1 she quite calmly said she wanted to. in ltm2 cal pushed her into ivf. in ltm3 she lost the plot cos it was taken out of her hands. in ltm4 she got a chance to redeem her last chance being taken away... the kids thing isnt the flaw, her behaviour in ltm3 was the flaw, which is actually more to do with her running away more than anything, which i talk about in ltm5 too by the way

3 – yes I firmly believe Cal has a choice. We all have a choice to stay in a relationship or not, even when that relationship becomes destructive. Cal has a limit. Its a big limit when it comes to the woman he is in love with like he's never been in love before. Cal would do anything to make his wife happy but there are limits on that. He might not know what it is and he might not recognise it immediately, but he would absolutely wake up one day and realise he was at his limit. Even if you love someone, doesn't mean you can or will or should be with them. He can't be with Gillian if she crosses that line. Shes walked right up to it and pushed it and he knows that now. And now Gillian knows that too (dealt with in ltm5)

4 -What kind of wife are you if your husband is hurting and reaching out to you and you don't even notice? Well, im not too sure what to say to this one. Just more of the same. Is Gillian not allowed to make mistakes? That doesn't make her a bad person or a s*** wife. She might be behaving in a s*** way, and she might have done things that were hurtful... but she is not malicious, she didn't set out to hurt cal on purpose. She got lost, that's all. Its one crappy year of their lives together... not the end of the world.

5 – yes cal does a lot of work on their marriage, but in the beginning it was Gillian that did a lot of work towards their relationship. Is she not allowed to have a break, to have one 'bad day'. She put up with a lot from Cal in the beginning and now that she had a problem of her own, does she not deserve the respect, empathy, understanding and patience to deal with it? Properly this time?I don't think Cal's trying to redeem himself to Gillian; I think he's already done that, but going out and seeing a psychologist when it was appropriate, but mostly be opening up and being the kind of man she needs/deserves. It's simply that it's not Gillians turn to step up to the next level too because the one she is on right now isn't working like it used to. Its not that she's fallen from grace, its merely that Cal moved a few steps ahead and she needs to catch up. Like she said to Casey in NY. Except when she got back they probably both thought that she had, and with the adoption subject back in their lives for the second time they both (Cal sooner than Gillian) realise they haven't dealt with it properly. Yes, cal will snap for good sooner or later, the point of this story arc, is that Gillian needs to do the next level of development now too. It's easy for everyone to police your behaviours for you (S1, Gillian tells cal not to do this, and that he should do that) but its harder to police your own (which is what cal learns to do during the course of ltm1 and ltm2). Gillian has learnt to police certain behaviours of hers (most noteably the mothering) but her number one flaw is much harder to keep under control all the time. Not that she's tried. In ltm5, she does. Finally.

6 – the discussions cal had with kiera are the two you saw on paper. Nothing happened behind the scenes on that one. He didn't need a big heart to heart, thats not what im talking about, what im talking about is an emotionally unattached discussion, in which cal is not worrying about what he has to say being taken the wrong way by his wife. Sometimes, when you've been with someone for a long time, everything you do or say is under the microscope. With kiera, it wasn't, and so cal got to have a 'differen't kind of conversation about the adoption, instead of the emotionally fraught one he has with Gillian every time it comes up. It was just a bit of peace for him... I think saying they went through the adoption separately is quite astute. No, not the assurance that she wouldn't change her mind (I explained above).

7 – will he wait or will he try to talk to Gillian about it? How do you talk to someone who won't hear you? I think Cal has come to the realisation that Gillian needs to come to the conclusion on her own (dealt with in ltm5). Oh, this was rhetorical... moving on then.

8 – no they didn't need a second baby to make their relationship work. What Gillian needed was closure, one way or the other. If lily hadn't occurred, she would have got there eventually, over time, it would have taken ages. And without something with impact, there is the chance that she never would have gotten there.

9 - no comment. Nothing to add on this one... J

10 – yes and no. Yes she needs to go more than halfway, but at the same time, they're both aware that they need a balance in their relationship. So if Gilian crosses the halfway mark then its not helping either. Cal hasn't walked away from half way, he's just taken a well deserved step back from it. And now Gillian's there and she can see him and she knows deep down that she really needs to coax him back to half way through what she does next (more ltm5 here).

11 – im sure if you wrote this fic it would be very different. Like I said, I had 3 massive re-writes of this fic. It was the most trouble for me, but I also feel that it was the most real. There are so many, many variables and I can only pick the one that speaks to me the most. If there was no plot device like Lily, then there would have been no ltm4, just like there would be no resulting ltm5. I've all ready promised the Doc that I would not kill off any of the principal characters, nor divorce them, or have them cheat, (The D's and C). So aside from that, what else would you have me write about? Lily might be a stretch, but then so would any other plot line. These stories were written with as much realism in mind that I could muster. Not the plot so much, but their reactions to it. It's not the plot that drives the story, but the characters and how they react to it; that's how it's always been for me.

Let me add, that I don't feel Gillian has to 'make it up' to Cal in anyway. (there is a very specific scene in ltm5, (might even be chapt 1) that deals with this and why and I shall post the quote here, so really seriously, if you don't want to be spoiled, skip the rest of the next section (let me clarify, no Gillian IS NOT IN NY AGAIN!): "You know sometimes you don't always need to search for the reason why something has happened or why someone behaves the way they do. Sometimes it's just important to acknowledge the behaviour, correct it and carry on your way," Casey noted.

"That's what I've been thinking more and more. Apologising now wouldn't feel like enough," Gillian admitted. She sighed. "I feel like I spend too much time analysing what went wrong and worrying about the past. I should just, make it right now."

"Good idea.")

I don't hold it against you Cloe, I just want for you to be on the same page as me! But as this fic so glaringly points out, you cant control people and you cant convince them if they don't feel the same way. You're not stressing me out, yes im happy to hear your opinions, I am enjoying the back and forth but I don't want for you to stick to your convictions out of stubbornness; if I haven't proved my point then that's ok... but... I have answered your questions and I have dealt with the issues you bring up, so do you trust me to fix it how it should be fixed in ltm5? I guess what im saying is, can you still be open minded, or have you made up your mind about Gillian and that's it for her?

Anyway, no rambling today cos im quite tired... I shall read your response tomorrow!

4/2/2011 #45
Cloe83

Thanks so much for answering me again, I can tell it was a bit of an effort for you going over the same things again to try and make me understand. I truly appreciate it.

First of all, I don't really think we disagree here, I'm just telling you that I didn't see a resolution and you're telling me to wait and read part5. Which is fine.

Gillian's allowed her flaws. Cal certainly had some huge hang-ups too. Is it that Gillian isn't allowed any? Is she not allowed to be human and flawed?

Gillian is most definetely allowed to have flaws, like everyone else. I didn't mean to say she has to be perfect (this Gillian or the one from the show) and I'm always the first to say that Cal (the one from the show) should have his a*s kicked by Gillian and everyone else more often. I wish Gillian would have not forgiven him so easily after "In the Red" and "Dirty Loyal" or at least I would have liked to see him showing how sorry he was to her.

So I think it's safe to say I'm not one of those fans who think Cal is immaculate and perfect. I left the House fandom because the general opinion was that House never did anything wrong and has to be protected from everyone else so I don't condone this kind of thinking. The only reason you don't hear me complaining about Cal is because your Cal is a very good father and husband and a better boss so I don't have any real reason to complain.

I'm not saying either that Gillian is some kind of freak who wants to have as many kids as possible, I'm just saying that the way she dealt with this addiction, especially in ltm4, is an unresolved issue for me. And we agree on that. But you reassured me she'll solve this problem once and for all in ltm5 and it's great.

Cal would do anything to make his wife happy but there are limits on that.

I'm happy you say Cal has limits. We haven't seen them because until now he has done just about everything Gillian asked him to do so he clearly hasn't reached his limit yet. I was starting to wonder if he has any at all when Gillian is concerned; glad to know he does.

Is Gillian not allowed to make mistakes? That doesn't make her a bad person or a s*** wife. She might be behaving in a s*** way, and she might have done things that were hurtful...

Again, she's allowed to have flaws and make mistakes. I'm not saying she's bad or she's purposfully hurting Cal, I'm just saying I'd like for her to seriously question herself and from what you told me she will in ltm 5 so all it's good.

Its not that she's fallen from grace, its merely that Cal moved a few steps ahead and she needs to catch up. Like she said to Casey in NY. Except when she got back they probably both thought that she had, and with the adoption subject back in their lives for the second time they both (Cal sooner than Gillian) realise they haven't dealt with it properly.

True, she needs to catch up before this does further damage to her marriage and open her eyes and finally try to actively do something about her behaviour.

im sure if you wrote this fic it would be very different.

I'm sure if I wrote this fic it would be utter crap. I'm not even remotely trying to tell you how to do your job, how to write your story because it wouldn't be fair and I'll be lousy at it anyway. Always felt like your stories were very realistic and I've always told you that's one of the main reasons why I love them so much. I'm just glad they're finally done with looking for another pregnancy/baby and, once Gillian's problem will be solved once and for all, I would love to see more of this family because I'm sure that's much more to tell. But I would also understand if you'll feel like the circle is finally closed and it's time to move on. That's up to you.

Let me clarify that I don't hate Gillian, bacause maybe it come out this way and it's just not true. I do love her as much as I love Cal and that's why I'm trying to fully understand what she's feeling and why she acted that way. I think she finally started to see only when Cal was away and she had to look after the children all by herself, only in that moment she realised what would have meant if Cal had died. I don't really blame her for NY, if you remember any of my reviews from ltm3 you know I never have. She snapped, it happens. She left her family for a few days not a few months but she came back and tried to make it better. I'm just a bit sad that her wake up call didn't come when Cal find out he was seriously sick but much later. Now I think she needs to make it better again because she's been emotionally unavailable for her husband almost as much as she was when in NY.

but I don't want for you to stick to your convictions out of stubbornness; if I haven't proved my point then that's ok... but... I have answered your questions and I have dealt with the issues you bring up, so do you trust me to fix it how it should be fixed in ltm5? I guess what im saying is, can you still be open minded, or have you made up your mind about Gillian and that's it for her?

I'm stubborn but not stupid, I'm more than willing to change my mind when the time will come. Even if it's not really about changing my point of view but more about letting this characters find the resolution I think they deserve. Some things, some scars can't ever be erased but you can learn how to live with them and learn from your experiences and that's what I'm hoping will happen. I'm really curious to read ltm5 and find out what Gillian will do. It's not about making it up to Cal with flowers, dinner and an hotel room but it's about making him feel safe again and I have absolutely no idea about how she'll be able to do that. But I trust you, if I didn't I would already have stopped reading, don't you think?

I'm also planning to read part4 again sometime in next few months, before part5 comes out. So, to answer your question: yes, I can be open minded and I'll gladly give Gillian (and you) another chance. Maybe my opinion come out a bit too strong, like I'm pig-headed and will be stuck on my position forever and ever but I can assure you I'm not. And, again, it's not about changing my mind but more about being reminded that Gillian really wants to make her marriage work, to be available for Cal and to reassure him (with facts, not just words) that she won't let him slip out of her radar anymore. That she won't get too wrapped up in herself to notice his pain.

Thanks so much for taking the time to answer me and for always being open to discussion. It's always a pleasure finding a reply from you. Hope I'm not too much of a pain in the a*s!

Have a good weekend! :-)

4/2/2011 #46
pjstillnoon

Warning: rambling, half formed thoughts ensue (I woke up early and daylight savings ended and I'm all confused about what day it is and what the time is):

Cloe,

You're welcome. I just wanted to be sure that you were at least satisfied that you had been answered! I usually try to let my work speak for itself and in this case, answers will be a longer time coming... but I didn't want you to write the story or Gillian off completely without having all the information at hand first... You were quite vehement in your argument and I just wanted you to see a different perspective from the one you wrote, so you would not be blinded by your strong opinion but could be open to seeing something else. Otherwise, no matter what I wrote, you wouldn't 'see' what was written there but what you wanted to 'see', know what I mean? Just calling for perspective and openmindedness... that's all.

The only thing that kept me watching House is the fact that he went into psychiatric care and actually took a long hard look at himself... but I digress...

Yeah we haven't seen Cal's limits because the point is, he didn't realise what they were either. But he's getting there. He's getting to the point in ltm4 where he's within throwing distance of them. You know what I mean? I don't ever want to have Cal pushed to his absolute limit, because that would mean he would leave for real... so let's not even go there!

Yeah I think Gillian got quite a shock when Cal went to Seattle and she was left with the kids. Not just that it's hard having kids on your own, but more that it triggered in her what she could have lost this year etc. You know what I mean, I don't need to go over it again, just thought it was a valid point.

I do remember you reviews from ltm3 and you were one of the few who was actually on Gillian's side and was actually rooting for her, instead of tearing her down back then (which makes me so.. curious/interested/stunned that you seemed to be tearing her down now, but we'll just put that one down to not fully explaining/exploring ideas or thoughts :) ).

I think we forget the timeline of the story sometimes. It seems like a long time because a chapter a day adds up to a very long month. It feels like a long time. But you're right, she was only in NY for a few days and the adoption/cancer storyline actually only happened over the span of about 2-3 months. It's not that long in the scheme of their lives. It just feels like a long time. And like I've said, as you peel back the layers of a problem, more comes to the surface and so sometimes, even years later it comes up again seemingly out of the blue. It's better that Gillian lets it out, if she suppresses it, she also reaches her breaking point and leaves and I don't want that either. What they need is a common ground. They're still searching for it. But at least they're searching. I know people in my life who throw their hands up and go 'its too hard' (that really hurts).

I half expected you to stop reading if I'm honest. To me, it felt as though you would. I'm sure there are many who have bailed. Or are at least creeping now. I certainly haven't seen as many names this time around. Everyone needs a vent and everyone has an opinion, and you are welcome to vent and express your opinion, that's the point of the forum, I do encourage it; expect me to rebut on occasion. I was a bit worried I had alienated you too much. That would make me sad.

P.S you better read ltm4 quickly then :)

4/2/2011 #47
Cloe83

I do remember you reviews from ltm3 and you were one of the few who was actually on Gillian's side and was actually rooting for her, instead of tearing her down back then (which makes me so.. curious/interested/stunned that you seemed to be tearing her down now, but we'll just put that one down to not fully explaining/exploring ideas or thoughts :) ).

I was rooting for her and I still am, hope I'm clear on that. That's why I want her to sort her s*** out once and for all so they can be happy and have the full life they deserve.

It's not that last time I didn't explore my thoughts enough, I knew she made a mistake back then but everybody is entitled to be weak and selfish every once in a while, so I dismissed that episode as a one time thing that would never happen again because she learned that lesson. I don't blame her for the NY mistake, I blame her for doing kinda the same thing again after having seen what kind of pain her distance (physical that time, emotional this time) brought her husband the first time around. But we'll probably never agree on that and it's totally fine! :-)

All right then, thanks so much for clarifying things further. I'll make sure to read ltm5 with an open mind/heart and I'll try not to bring any negative thoughts from part 4 with me.

Have a nice day, read you around. :-)

4/4/2011 . Edited 4/4/2011 #48
pjstillnoon

cool cloe! glad we reached some level of understanding... im rooting for gillian to sort her s*** out too :)

i was talking with a good friend the other night and we came to the conclusion that gill going to NY was about her being unable to deal with the fact that she could no longer have kids of her own. but the adoption thing was almost a separate issue. this was more about not letting an opportunity pass her by when it was right there on her door almost begging to be let in. i thought that was an interesting point... so many different points of view!

4/4/2011 #49
pjstillnoon

A friend PMd me a message talking about She's Gone but ended up making some valid and insightful points about the 'saga'. With her permission i have edited her comments and am allowed to re-post them here:

Your new story... It´s a really brave subject to write about, the murder. I think Cal will have problems with his assumption that his best friend could be the murderer. I think his loyalty will be tested. And it was tested in a way. In this story they both need to find a way to be best friends again. Or more. To trust each other. To find the truth. And it´s something that Cal will have to do alone. Not with Gillian by his side. I think Gillian will have problems with being on Cal´s side again. Because he destroyed her trust.

It´s like in your saga... to find a way to communicate, to be partners, friends. In this story it´s friends (for now) and trust; in your saga it´s to be husband and wife, and trust. And in both stories there are so many hidden agendas... skeletons in the closet... you said in the forum (i´m on the saga now) as a promise to dr. Callian, there will be no cheating, no character deaths... Here it is: I've all ready promised the Doc that I would not kill off any of the principal characters, nor divorce them, or have them cheat. And so it has to run deeper than that. Because it´s simple to kill someone or let him/her cheat... it has to be something deeper. And that´s what I like, what I want to read in a multichapterstory. If I want to read about drama, I go to the drama section. If I want to read some "fun" (you know what i mean...m...), I go the m-section. But yours are all of that in one story. It´s like a book. That´s why I hated your one-shots at first. I read and read and read and... the end. Where is the next part? To realise it was a oneshot was difficult for me to understand. I expected more... and there wasn´t more... but i think now, the oneshots are a polar opposite from the multichapters... and i do start to like the oneshots (but multichapters are better *g*)

I don´t know where this saga goes... and i´m open minded for everything... and I think the fith part will be as interesting as the others. Because it´s running deeper and deeper. And you have a great talent with your writing. The talent is, to "force" the readers to read all parts of this saga again and again (I speak for myself, and I read your stories as often as possible, because it´s such a great development to analyse... and i really love this story... it´s like a little baby for me, whose development and all the new things are great to see. It´s like i sit down in front of the baby which is called "You don´t lie to me" and i look forward to see what this baby becomes. )

PS: What I do like is the mixture of everything. Your characters are still where they would be. When I read your stories nothing's out of place. I could switch the television on or read your stories, it´s the same. It´s fiction, but so like the series. It´s something everyone wishes to see, will never happen, but that is fiction for you. It´s the scene behind the scenes.

thanks *G*

read you around...

4/5/2011 #50
Cloe83

Yes, I think these are things we all agree on. It's a process which is not over yet and every story is a step they take in the right direction. I hope in the end they'll finally be able to fully trust each other and communicate without feeling like the other may run away if things get tough. Deep down they're both incredibly strong people who will always get up again and fight for the other and for their family.

More thoughts on She's Gone in its own topic.

4/5/2011 #51
pjstillnoon

don't panic! all those new ltm1 chapts, they're just the old story reorganised. although hopefully i've picked up on some typos here and there. and there are a few extra lines in one chapt :) but mostly its just the same story, broken down into smaller chapters for easier consumption, with the formatting corrected, timelines ironed out, typos hopefully picked up on...

sorry for the sudden overload of all inboxes. if it makes you feel better, i spammed the s*** out of myself too :)

read you around...

5/6/2011 #52
pjstillnoon

ok. i get all the crack references. im so tired i can barely keep my eyes open and for the last hour i've been saying to myself 'just one more chapter, this is the last chapter, after this chapter put the light out'... soooooooooooo addictive! i know exactly what's going to happen and yet i can't get enough! (conceited much!?)

wish i could read you around... you're all so quiet :(

5/15/2011 #53
pjstillnoon

so ive been reading ltm4 and your reviews as i go along and its clear there are two camps. the first is: callian is fine, bring on the baby! the second is: callian are so distant, the baby is a bad idea! which has been on my mind since ltm4 finished because i was basically in two minds writing it (but ultimately knew which camp i wanted to be in; the first). now that ive had some space from it and am reading it again, here's my official statement and probably the most succinct explanation i can offer:

they're traveling down a rocky road. they fight. they dont talk to each other. they're close. they're figuring it out. theyre lost in their own thoughts again. thats what happens in real life. they dont have the answers to everything. neither do i. but at least their feelings are real, whether they're angry, hurt, confused, dreadful... sometimes they're hopeful some days are good days. some are not. they're infallible, but they're not perfect. they will always be together. the challenge is making their marriage real without ever breaking them up

if anything, ltm4 is the rawest. it strips them down to the most essential of their being as a couple. its their biggest challenge. its the foulest weather. but its the realist. and if you look close enough, you can see, that they're actually right there together, even if it doesnt always seem that way on the surface but is that not how life is?

they miss each other a lot but know theyre gonig through something they cant/wont talk to each other about and they respect that. but they know teh other is there when/if they want to talk and theyre intelligent enough to know any distance is not personal and that they shoudlnt take it personally. THAT is what being a good friend is about.

sometimes you have to just put your ego aside and all the doubts and just BE there for someone in the way that they need you to be, not the way you want to be, which for cal is a real challenge cos hes jused to getting very involved. and then when everyone thought gill had it all figured out she was challenged by the same thing. but cal realised in part 4 that he cant solve her problems for her and even though they are married doesnt mean she can tell him everything, nor will she. the point is, at the end of the day, after everything and through it all, they were there with each other, in some capacity near or far it doesnt matter, cos they were still together and working their way through the mud together...

5/25/2011 #54
Cloe83

Annnnnnnnd they're back!! :D

8/1/2011 #55
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