Your name is ARTNER ROLLUS. You stand in your DUNGEON, which is also your RESPITEBLOCK, but mostly a DUNGEON. The walls are steel gray and from them hang various HOOKS AND SHACKLES with which you practise your trade. A ROTTING CORPSE hangs from one of these chains, its intestines flopping out of its stomach like a yellow tongue. Needless to say, it's disgusting. You wonder where your LUSUS, MASTIGOS, is. He'd clean this mess up. Provided you can find him. Various TORTURE DEVICES litter the floor. Off to the side is your RECUPERACOON, a grayish pod filled to the brim with SOPOR SLIME. To your left is your COMPUTER, which you use for DATA ANALYSIS and TALKING TO PEOPLE YOU HATE. Not in THAT WAY, though. A set of stairs leads up to the rest of your HIVE, though you rarely, if ever, go up there. What do you do?
Artner: Retrive arms from gloves.
Oh no, never. Your LEATHER GLOVES are what ties your entire outfit together. They are a SINTERRIGATOR'S greatest asset.
Artner: Troll someone.
No time for that. Anyway, it appears none of your usual SUBJECTS are online. Such a pity.
You suppose it's time to see what the dirty rat's up to.
Artner: Ascend stairs.
Not just yet. You need some time to prepare yourself for going up their. You never know what INSIDIOUS HELL Mastigos has prepared for you. In the meantime...
Be someone else.4/3/2011 #1
Your name is LINGUA PRYTAN, and you are currently very bored. You've got a bad case of WRITER'S BLOCK and no one is online that you feel like talking to. Right now you are in your HIVE, which is NOT VERY BIG because you built it when you were a small troll of two sweeps and haven't really improved on it since. Your lusus, Atuin, isn't around so you figure he's probably out in the FOREST that SURROUNDS your hive looking for food. You aren't worried, there are many PREDATORS in the forest, you should know since you've been KILLING and EATING them pretty much your whole life, but you're pretty sure NONE of them can get through Atuin's shell.
What do you do?
Lingua: Allocate Strife Specibus using that awesome scythe on the wall.
Your strife specibus is already allocated. That scythe is just for decoration.
Lingua: Captchalogue globe.
You captchalogue one of the smaller models of Alternia that is sitting on your desk. The globe is filed under G on your Index Card.
Lingua: Stand on your head and sing the national anthem.
No! That is the dumbest idea you've ever heard! Completely pointless! Anyway Alternia doesn't have a national anthem. The only sound that could ever accurately represent the empire is the screams of its numerous conquests, and no one's ever bothered to record those.
Lingua: Okay this is getting boring. Just do something already.
Jeeze, tell you about it. You've had about enough of standing around waiting for thoughts to come to you anyway. You resolve to get on your computer and troll whoever you can find. Anyone. Anyone at all.
...Oh fuck no not him. There's got to be someone else. Anyone else. There's not.
lucidWordsmith [LW] began trolling bloodshedUnbidden [BU]
LW: I cannot even believe I'm doin this there is ?retty much no way I'm not gonna regret it
LW: I ain't got an excuse either I'm just bored as fuck
LW: are you even fuckin there?4/5/2011 . Edited 4/5/2011 #2
Artner: Go out and die.
You'd love to leave your dungeon and see what fresh hell Mastigos will bring upon you, but it appears you're being messaged. Ah yes, her. One of your favorites, really.
BU: HellO LinguA.
BU: HoW HavE YoU BeeN?4/5/2011 #3
LW: you are so fuckin cree?y how do you even do that
LW: and great exce?t for bein bored out of my skull
LW: it's not like anythin interestin ever ha??ens out here just ferocious forest beasts every time I ste? out my door but I'm used to that
LW: what about you dissected anythin new lately? or just the usual unfortunate victims?
LW: fuck why did I even ask that forget I asked that
LW: what's new that ain't com?letely disgustin?4/5/2011 #4
BU:I HappeN TO TakE GreaT PridE IN ThE WaY I PresenT MyselF.
BU: MakinG A ConciouS EfforT TO BE...
BU: CreepY, AS YoU PuT IT, MakeS ThE InterrgatioN SO MucH MorE InterestinG.
BU:TO AnsweR YouR SeconD QuestioN, NO.
BU: I'vE NoT OperateD ON A FresH SubjecT IN QuitE AwhilE.
BU: JusT ThaT OlD RottinG YellowblooD.
BU:I waS AbouT TO GeT MastigoS TO CleaN IT UP BeorE You MessageD ME.4/5/2011 #5
Lingua: Be appalled by Artner's words.
Appalled? Well, that's kind of a strong word. You think he's really gross and an asshole, but you've known him long enough that it doesn't really shock you anymore. Troll culture is pretty much based on gore and violence anyway. You do still feel a twinge of pity for the unfortunate rotting yellowblood, whoever they were. No one deserves Artner's "operations."
LW: oh lovely
LW: well sorry for interru?tin your cleanin ?lans then I guess
LW: I can imagine it ?rolly reeks like hell over there I will never understand why ya just kee? decom?osin bodies around
LW: or any bodies really but whatever
LW: remind me never to visit you ever oh wait no I ?rolly won't need to be reminded4/5/2011 #6
Artner: Be smug.
No need for a command. You are one smug son of a bitch.
Artner: Remember something important.
Oh, right, that.
BU:AlloW ME TO ChangE ThE SubjecT.
BU:ArE YoU PrepareD TO PlaY ThE GamE?4/5/2011 #7
Lingua: Game? What game?
Oh right, that game. You don't play a lot of computer games really. You used to FLARP when you were younger but you stopped because you figured you were getting Too Old For Kids Games. Also there seemed to be a lot of accidents going on, though fortunately you managed to avoid having any, which you attribute to being intelligent enough to know when to stop. Anyway this game is one that Artner mentioned some time ago and apparently it's supposed to be Really Important or whatever. You aren't entirely sure you believe him, but you're willing to give it a shot. It's just a game, after all. How bad could it be?
Lingua: Enough exposition. Answer the smug son of a bitch's question!
You were just about to do that! Sheesh, bossy.
LW: I am so down with a subject change
LW: that is yeah I guess I'm ?re?ared I've got a ?retty o?en schedule right now
LW: so just whenever it's ready I guess
LW: why? is it ready now?4/5/2011 #8
BU:I'M CurrentlY InstallinG IT AS WE SpeaK.
BU: HolD ON WhilE I SenD IT TO YoU.
bloodshedUnbidden sent lucidWordsmith the file "SgruB ServeR"
bloodshedUnbidden sent lucidWordsmith the file "SgruB ClienT"
BU: I'lL AttempT TO...
BU: KeeP IN ToucH WitH YoU,
BU: WhilE I FinD MastigoS.
BU: I WilL LeT YoU KnoW WheN I AM ReadY.
bloodshedUnbidden ceased trolling lucidWordsmith
Artner: Arm yourself
Oh, goodness no. You prefer to go unarmed into Mastigos' challenges. Makes it more fun.
Artner: Locate husktop.
Ah, there it is. Next to the IRON MAIDEN. Both portions of the game are at 50%. Shouldn't be much longer.
He slowly push open the door with the creak of rusty hinges. You wonder what Mastigos has cooked up for you... oh sweet troll jegus what the hell is this?4/5/2011 #9
Lingua: Receive the sent files.
You receive the sent files. Wow, that was easy. Might as well start getting them installed too, since Artner seems to have gone off to do... whatever it is he does with that lusus of his. That thing is even creepier than he is, really, it's no wonder he turned out so twisted. You're so glad you have a pleasant, caring lusus who doesn't set up crazy deathtraps for you or eat your friends or look terrifying. Speaking of, you should probably go find Atuin and let him know about this game thing. You're not clear on exactly how it works, but if your past experiences with games are anything to go on there will probably be some element of danger involved.
Also now that it's downloading you're getting pretty bored again.
Lingua: Locate husktop.
It's right here. You've been typing on it this whole time.
Lingua: Oh. Well hurry up and captchalogue it then.
Oh all right, you suppose you'll want it with you in case Artner comes back and has anything else to say.
Lingua: Now go outside and find your lusus.
You head over to the door leading out of your hive, which as mentioned earlier is small. Atuin sleeps on a pile of leaves in one corner and your recuperacoon rests against the opposite wall, the desk with your husktop and globes and other possessions sits next to it. You've never seen the need to build yourself a separate respiteblock, despite being fairly large Atuin doesn't need much space and he spends most of his time out in the forest anyway. That, and you're just really lazy.
You pull open the door and walk out into the forest, having to behead a prowling musclebeast that leaps at you almost instantly. Sigh, your life is so predictable. "Hey, Atuin!" You wander into the trees in search of your lusus. This might take a while.4/5/2011 #10
Artner: Flip the fuck out.
No. Never. You have vowed to never FLIP THE FUCK OUT unless under the most dire of circumstances. This isn't exactly dire. It's just... surpising. You stand in the narrow hallway of your hive. Mastigos seems to have went for the psychological rather than the physical for this one.
Artner: Open eyes.
Oh, right. You snapped your eyes shut upon looking at this ridiculous eyesore. Mastigos has painted the walls an eye searing shade of pink and filled the air with glitter. Photos of mythical horned hoofbeasts hang from the walls. You find this situation to be INCREDIBLY SILLY.
Artner: Look for a weapon.
How courteous of him. Mastigos seems to have left a TWO-WHEEL DEVICE CHAIN at your feet. He seems to be nowhere in sight, as usual. You take the chain and equip it to your strife specibus.
Artner: Contact Lingua.
You think it's best she doesn't know about this.
Artner: Examine surroundings
As previously stated, Mastigos has decorated your hive with RIDICULOUSLY WHIMSICAL.. decorations. The glitter has the added effect of impairing your breathing. To your left is the way to the FOOD PREPERATION ROOM, or as bluebloods call it, the KITCHEN. To your right is the door MASTIGOS' QUARTERS, either of which you must pass through to explore the rest of your hive.
You ponder on which way to go. One way is filled with sharp objects and large heavy things. The other has Mastigos.4/5/2011 . Edited 4/5/2011 #11
Lingua: Kill more musclebeasts.
You would, but there don't seem to be as many around as usual. You've only been attacked twice more since the one you killed near your HIVE. Anyway you didn't come out here for wanton destruction. You came to find Atuin.
And there he is! Finally, you were starting to think it'd be hours before you found him, but no, you round a copse of trees and your lusus is there munching on some leafy vegetation. He turns his head slowly and stares at you expectantly, clearly wondering what is so important that you had to interrupt his meal.
Lingua: Engage in lively conversation with your beloved guardian.
"It is such a ?ain trying to find you all the time."
"Have you just been out here munchin away since this mornin? I bet you have."
"Right, that's what I thought. Anyway I just thought I'd let you know, Artner sent me that crazy game thing he was on about a while back. Was that a month ago now? I can't remember. You know what I mean, right?"
"Good. Imma head back now, make sure you're home soon, I've got kinda a bad feelin about this."
Lingua: That was incredibly stupid.
What? You've lived with your lusus for nine sweeps now, of course you know how to read his body language. There's nothing stupid about that.
Lingua: Just go back home already.
There's just no pleasing you is there? Fine, you turn around and head back the way you came. You wonder vaguely whether you should troll Artner, but frankly you probably don't want to know what he's doing right now.4/5/2011 #12
You decide to venture through Mastigos' chambers. You've handled him in single combat before and you don't want to go through whatever sinister traps he's set up in the kitchen.
Maybe not just yet. You've still got a few things to do.
Artner: Check game progress.
First you have to retireve your husktop from your modus. It's always such a hassle, but thankfully you've memorized the way the pieces fit together for this particular item. The client portion is at 63%, while the server is at 71%.
Artner: Keep stalling.
Right. You suppose you should bother Lingua again.
bloodshedUnbidden [BU] began trolling lucidWordsmith [LW]
BU: I AM AbouT TO EnteR MY LusuS' ChamberS.
BU: HoW FaR HaS ThE GamE DownloadeD?4/5/2011 #13
Be the other troll.
No! You cannot be the other troll because your already a troll!4/5/2011 #14
Fine, be that goofy question mark troll again.
You are now that goofy question mark troll.
Lingua: Answer Artner
You select the H tab on your Index Card and retrieve your Husktop from your captchalogue. You spend a moment being grateful that you have such a well organized and easy to use fetch modus, you really don't think you'd have the patience for anything more complicated.
LW: sounds like fun
LW: and it looks like the client one is at 24% and the server one is at 19%
LW: this thing must be huge it's takin forever to finish4/5/2011 . Edited 4/5/2011 #15
(Did I break up the party or something? :C sorry I was just trying to allow for a better opening but uh. Yeah. Edited out the last line so. If anyone's still on I am chillin' like a villain hereabouts.)4/5/2011 #16
BU:I'vE HearD It'S VerY...
BU:I SupposE YoU WanT AN UpdatE ON MY Status?4/5/2011 #17
LW: if you mean how close you are to done downloading the game then sure
LW: if you mean what is going down with you and your lusus then ?rolly not
LW: actually make that definitely not
LW: I still have nightmares about the one time I did look at the view?ort when you were doin one of those weird challenges or whatever the fuck you call em4/5/2011 #18
BU:WelL, IF YoU FounD ThE ChallengE YoU SaW...
BU:DisturbinG, I SuggesT YoU UsE ThE ViewporT NoW.
BU:IT MaY ProvidE SomE...
BU:InsighT IntO MY CurrenT PredicamenT.
BU:I SuggesT YoU HurrY UP.
BU:ThE GlitteR IS BegininG TO CloG MY ResperatorY SysteM.4/5/2011 #19
Lingua: Be skeptical.
No difficulty there.
LW: I'm not sure I want to risk it wait
LW: did you say glitter?
Lingua: Give in to curiousity.
LW: if this is some kinda setu? to traumatize me further I ho?e you know I will hunt you down and gut you like a fish
You open the viewport option for Trollian and get a good look at Artner and his current predicament, as it were.
You seem to be having some trouble breathing, but manage to type fairly accurately anyway.4/5/2011 #20
BU: YeS, YeS, LaugH IT UP.
BU:GeT IT AlL OuT.
BU:ArE YoU QuitE FinisheD?4/5/2011 #21
Lingua: Be Endlessly Amused
LW: now I'm done
LW: no wait hang on I'm takin a screenca?
LW: ok now4/5/2011 #22
Artner: Retain composure.
Right. Back to business.
BU:GooD. AnD IF YoU EveR DistributE ThaT ScreencapturE, ThE ResultS WilL BE...
BU:BuT ThaT IS NoT WhY I ContacteD YoU.
BU:I HavE TwO OptionS.
BU:EitheR I Enter the KitcheN OR MastigoS' QuarterS.
BU:BotH OF WhicH ArE HighlY RiskY.
BU:WhaT DO YoU ThinK I ShoulD DO?4/5/2011 #23
Lingua: Humor the poor psychopath.
LW: sure sure no worries it will be for my ?rivate amusement only
LW: and are you seriously askin for my advice here? whoa I think I'm legit flattered
LW: I don't know your lusus as well as you do but it seems to me that he'd know ya obviously have some aversion to his room
LW: which is totes understandable by the way I can only imagine the socialization you got with him bringin ya u?
LW: anyway I guess what I'm sayin is go for the room at least it's less likely he ?ut u? any horrifying decorations in there
LW: or you know decorations that you would find horrifying ?rolly there's all sortsa shit in there that'd send other trolls into conni?tions4/5/2011 #24
BU:WelL, I OnlY ChosE TO ConfidE IN YoU BecausE YoU ArE ThE LeasT LikelY OF TrollS TO...
BU:LeaD ME AstraY, SO TO SpeaK.
BU:IntO ThE FraY.
bloodshedUnbidden has ceased trolling lucidWordsmith
Artner: Enter the fray.
You stand before the door to your Lusus' quarters. This block of steel is all that seperates you from whatever diseased version of hell is beyond. There's only one thing to do now. He slowly push open the door. A mote of dust scuffs against your shoe, a reminder of your insignificance. But enough of this poetic nonsense. He push the door open. What you see before you is... odd.
Artner: Flip the fuck out.
No. Not yet. Instead, you come up with the best reaction you can for this conundrum.
The walls are painted in the same eye rending shade of pink as the halls. The glitter is even thicker in here, making it difficult to breath. Mastigos' nest sits off to the side, a collection of bones and tree branches. The room is decorated with a variety of effiminate things, such as pastel colored wiggler's toys and the aforementioned horned hoofbeast photos. Mastigos himself stands before you, his pearly white fur still reatining its usual shabby grunginess despite the eyeshadow and hair bow he appears to be wearing. Mastigos likes to go that extra mile with the psychological torture. Generic pop music plays from an unseen speaker. What do you do.
Not yet. You suppose you should give Lingua time to laugh at you before you go any further.4/5/2011 #25
Lingua: Be disappointed that your prediction was incorrect.
You can't. You are too busy trying not to suffocate as a result of your own laughter.
You can't even manage to type properly this time. You give up and simply sit back and wait for it to subside.4/5/2011 #26
Okay, you suppose you've put this off long enough. You retrieve the TWO-WHEEL DEVICE CHAIN from your STRIFE DECK and spin one end around in your hand, each rotation going faster and faster.
Artner: Cue epic fight music.
Nope. All you have is this crappy pop music. Oh well. You swing the chain, wrapping it around Mastigos' forearm. You then use the weight of your Lusus to leap forward at great speed, planting your boot in his face. You then use the momentum to carry you to the other side of the room, making a two point landing on the floor. Mastigos begins to circle, jagged and dirty claws bared. This could get interesting.4/5/2011 #27
Lingua: Witness this epic battle.
You're not sure epic is the right word, but that was a pretty sweet first move, all things considered. You sit back in your chair, still suffering from the occasional gigglefit, and watch the Grief unfold. This is better than any of the shows on troll television, not that you'd know since it's a fairly new concept and you haven't actually gotten a television yet seeing as how you live way out in the fucking woods. Still, you could definitely grab yourself a bag of the troll equivalent of popcorn if any were available and get your munch on to this righteous entertainment.4/5/2011 #28
You lunge at your charge, claws bared. He youthrools out of the way, then wraps a chain around your left arm. He then yanks, pulling himself forawrd into another flying kick.
Artner: Kick ass, chew bubblegum.
Yes, you're pretty sure you can kick ass. But you have no idea what bubblegum is. And even if you knew, you're fairly sure you wouldn't have any. You stick the landing and leap into the air, a feat that would be dificult, given the fact that you're wearing heavy leather apron, but you've had plenty of practice with manouvering in it. Mastigos has made sure of that. You lash two ends of the chain into your Lusus' eyes, leaving him blinded. You finish your jump, landing behind him and wrapping the chain around his neck. He appears to be choking. But you're not going to give up yet. And you know he's not either. Mastigos kicks and struggles claws scratching against the chain.4/5/2011 #29
It's a silly thing to do, it's not like he can see you or anything, but you go ahead and do it anyway. It's not the most vicious fight you've ever seen, but it's still a pretty good one. Somewhere in the background you hear your hive door swing open as Atuin finally arrives home and lumbers over to dump himself on his bed. Lazy old tortoise. You love him a lot.
Lingua: Check game progress.
Oh yeah, that's still downloading isn't it? You might as well check up on it real fast while Artner is busy.
Client - 60 % Server - 54%
Well it's a lot better than it was earlier, at least.4/5/2011 #30
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