Good catch there.2/17/2013 #1,261
|Majin Son Goku
Yeah, that happens. I just read stuff and it pops out at me. I really should stop doing that....2/17/2013 #1,262
My mother always said 3rd time was the charm, so here we go
Name:Devils do cry
And now for a little excerpt from an idea that went nowhere.
A cool springs breeze swept through the Resembool countryside, the orange glow from the slowly setting sun was casting shadows amongst the landscape. The smell of dew emanated from the grass, accompanying the breeze. The faint sound of hammering could be heard coming from one of the sporadically placed houses.
"Yow!" Cried Ed, sucking on his freshly hit thumb.
"This would be so much easier if Al was around," Exclaimed Ed grabbing another plank from the sack strung over his shoulder.
The former alchemist had been straddling a tree branch for most of the day, high up in the air laying the foundations for a tree house. Positioning the final nail Ed swung the hammer down, laying the last plank needed for a floor. Wiping the sweat from his brow, the throbbing in his hand becoming more apparent. Not so long ago a strike to his right hand wouldn't have hurt him in the slightest, wouldn't have even left a scratch. But now looking at the fresh bruises starting to emerge, and the small grazes on his knuckles. Ed couldn't help but smile.
"Ed.. suppers ready, you can come down now," shouted a voice from the bottom of the tree.
"Down in a second!" shouted back Ed.
Taking a deep breath, Ed easily leapt the fifteen feet from the branch to the ground landing gracefully on the ground below. Startling the young woman who was standing at the base of the tree.
"Ed! How many times, you have got to stop jumping out of this thing. What if you fall?" Questioned Winry, who had her hands on her hips.
"Well if your always at the bottom I can hope for a comfy landing," Smiled Ed, grinning at his wife.
"Don't think for a second because I wear this ring you can get away with that," Smiled Winry menacingly, thumbing the wrench she kept in her apron pocket.
"Well can we eat first, I'm starving... haha even little Urey agrees," Said Ed pointing towards the now open kitchen door.
Stood there was the pairs three year old son Urey, holding out an empty plate towards his mother.
"Tcch not only is he your double, he acts just like you.... at least he knows drinking his milk will help him grow, shame you didn't realise that one Ed," Smiled Winry devilishly scampering away to her son.
"Hey I am six foot, and milk played no part in it, your the shorty now!" Shouted Ed, chasing after her. Only to be tackled by Winry's ever faithful dog Den.
"Come on Den, I thought you were on my side here pal," Laughed Ed while the ageing dog slobbered over him.
Shooing Den away from him, Ed pushed himself off the ground to take his place at the table. Feeling a tugging at the hem of his pant leg, Ed reached under the table to grab his giggling young daughter from under the table. Held in Ed's arms she was the spitting image of Winry, except for her eyes. Both of Ed's children shared the golden eyes he inherited from his father.
Now why should i be added, well its certainly not for my skills. No there's many better than me, everyone can beta read, and i cant quite bring experience when i haven't done this for a year or more. I suppose the only thing going for me is,I'm willing to learn, I work hard,I stick to my guns, and I wont bullshit you.
Now for a brucey bonus, well i've loaded up my repetoire since last time, so the list of things i could write for:
Hellsing,DBZ, death note, avatar legend of aang, neon genesis evangelion, full metal alchemist, claymore, fate/stay night, fairy tail, code geass.
And even though it doesn't count one piece should get an honorable mention even though i'm only a 1/3 down3/15/2013 . Edited 3/16/2013 #1,263
Nerves... Whew I Can feel the Pressure! Let's hope I have Super Luck ability!
Profile Name: Chaos Flare
Why I want to join Team Dragon Star: Well, being in a group among some of my favourite writers on this site is definitely an important reason. More importantly I want to excel in some of my writing weak points, romance, as well as editing to name a couple important ones. It'll also help me broaden into more writing styles, as I basically only write Romance, Adventure, and Angst (With varying degrees of humour in each). Working alongside a large group will also help with my slight case of procrastination as well as getting a better understanding of the Writer's Method.
What I could contribute to Team Dragon Star: Something I really think I can contribute to an already great group is an understanding of the character from a variety of series. I really like delving deep in a character's mind and asking myself why they did this, that or the other thing. I've probably got too much time on my hands if I've got time to do that… On another note I can easily whip out a poem, not necessarily a long one, but I've had no complaints on the ones I have written.
Also it is highly probable that my contribution can snatch(TM 49) you a few Sonic the Hedgehog fans as that is what I'm most comfortable writing. When you've enjoyed something for fifteen plus years, you start to settle in. The same with Dragonball Z and Pokémon, though those are ten years instead. As such I feel highly comfortable writing 90% of the characters into the stories adequately. There are other fandoms as well, though they are to a much lesser extent than the big three.
Writing: I'm submitting a favourite of mine I think I really nailed Tails' character in this one for the time period. If a Dragonball Z story is needed I can gladly comply.
Sonic the Hedgehog
Always trailing, always helping, always there.
A blur of blue followed closely by a blur of yellow.
Moving forward fearlessly as he followed his brother into danger.
They'd win together, losing was never an option when it came to their adventures, it was barely a thought. Sometimes the blue one flew off without the yellow one but that was a form of protection, when he had to traverse space or destroy something that he didn't think he could handle.
In those cases the blue one turned gold.
And the yellow one cheered him on.
Always there, always watching, always supporting.
If he were to fall the blue one was always there with an outstretched hand and a smile, lifting both him and his spirits up.
He never failed to make even the most treacherous terrain a joke.
"Let's race, Tails!"
"Last one there buys the winner a chilli dog!"
It hit hard when they were separated.
The plane couldn't dodge the blast in time and Sonic couldn't hold on, flinging him to the east until he was out of sight.
Tails had to find his big brother and redeem himself in his own eyes. That thought pushed him through the pain of the crash.
He worked tirelessly to reunite him and his brother. He was sure that Sonic was doing the same.
The plane was sleeker, faster, and combined the elements of both of their old planes.
The best thing about it was the paint though.
A mix of saffron and royal blue, one highlighting the other. The name of his brother on the lining and his trademark tails on the fin of the plane.
Once he'd found him there was joy again and they picked up where they left off. They reunited on a mountain, and they rightfully felt on top of the world.
Like they'd never been separated at all.
Brothers were together again, just the two of them fighting the bad guy.
And this time they'd win.
They never thought they'd win in without each other though.
Their finding each other was short lived, as they were torn apart soon after.
Sonic refused to leave without winning but he also refused to put his loved ones in danger.
So he fought alone.
It was weird though. Sonic was cutting it close. Some of his jumps lacked that extra bit of height that his brother provided.
Carrying Amy wasn't like carrying Sonic. She squirmed nervously. Sonic had the utmost trust in his brother. The only time he'd move is when he had something to say.
Then came the worst of it.
Being forced to fight Robotnik.
Sonic hadn't done that since before he met Tails.
It was a brand new experience for Tails.
Eggman's voice seemed more menacing, more deadly than ever before.
He'd managed to pull through though. And as he saw his enemy pull away he was sure that Sonic would deal the finishing blow when the time came.
He'd grown up and changed a great deal. But when they met up again, running home to meet with the other, bantering and goofing off, they realised that nothing had changed.
Their bond would never be broken, no matter who or what came into their life. No matter how far they were apart and no matter what they faced alone they'd always be able to fall back on each other.
Always there, always together, always complimenting.
Never failing, never falling, never alone.
I'll just Baton Pass this to you guys and gals and use wish for an acceptance.
Thanks for taking the time.3/16/2013 #1,264
|Majin Son Goku
Just gonna comment on the writing rather than write out an actual assessment, since it seems like no-one outside of the judgement group (or something, I'm still not clear about that) is allowed to pass people anymore.
Right, just wanted to point out that the paragraphs seemed obscenely short and kind of jumpy. I would suggest lengthening each paragraph and adding a bit more meat to the description, so to say, so it flows a little nicer.3/16/2013 #1,265
Yeah, I definitely see what you mean. This is partly due to my writing style because it reverts back to shorter verse like lines in some instances and the fact that I do most of my writing on my iPod, so everything seems longer. I'm on my laptop now so I can see how glaring it is and a few of my early stories are like that for that matter. Even so I think this is one of my better stories or chapters relationship wise and it's for that reason that I posted it. My newer chapters for different stories have more bulk to the paragraphs, but this problem pops up from time to time.
Thank you for bringing this to my attention.3/16/2013 #1,266
Devils passes. The writing was solid enough. The spacing was originally jumbled, but the edit fixed that. Some of the sentences were choppy and the grammar could use improving to be sure. Overall, the writing could use some improvement but was good enough. The fact that you recognize you can improve is good as well.3/16/2013 #1,267
Hi Chaos. I'm Kano _
Alrighty. The consensus was that, as Majin pointed out, your writing was very choppy. We recommend lengthening your paragraphs and adding more detail, and we do appreciate that you recognize this to be an issue. We had issues figuring out what dialogue belonged to which character and thought that you should use 'he/she said' and other similar phrases to improve the clarity. Despite this, we thought you captured the Sonic/Tails relationship quite well, and that your writing had a lot of great raw elements.
You PASS. Congratulations. Someone will send you an intro PM shortly.3/18/2013 . Edited 3/18/2013 #1,268
Hi! I'm NerdsRule and I wanna be on Team Dragon Star. (That's pretty obvious considering I'm typing this.) I am a girl, just throwing that out there.
Writing: "Videl," He begins, "When I first met you, I wasn't sure what to think. You were beautiful, smart, and the strongest woman I'd ever met. Excluding 18. The problem was, I thought you hated me. You were so amazing, I think I fell for you when you were beating up the Red Shark Gang. Strange right. Videl Satan, you are the most beautiful, intelligent, funny, couragous, strong, and sweetest woman I've ever met. Don't even get me started on your beautiful sapphire eyes. Videl, will you do me, a favor?"
"What?" Videl asks excitedly.
He withdrew his hands and said, "Open your eyes."
She did. She knew she was dreaming because he was down on one knee with and holding a diamond ring his hands.
"Videl Satan, will you marry me?" He asks.
"Yes. Yes! YES!" She cheered.
She caught his lips by surprise. Not like Gohan was complaining. He was kissing the most perfect woman. Why complain?
"Mommy's gonna flip." A voice says, breaking thier kiss, the vioce continues. "Nii-chan's getting married!" The they see a small orange and dark blue blur swish through the sky.
Videl and Gohan look at each other, nod, and say in unison, "Goten."
They happily begin kissing once more.Why I believe I should be added: I love to write a good fanfiction. And I think I'm becoming fairly popular because when you type in NerdsRule on Bing, my page is the fifth result. But once again, I love to wirte a fanfiction and I am very dedicated. One night I was trying to fall asleep an idea came to me. I hobbled out of bed, turn on my BlackBerry Torch, typed my story's summary, and wrote 'Check Memos' and set my phone under the words. I think I can beta! I'm like, 95% sure I'd make a good beta reader. I've never beta'd 'cause no one ever asked me to. I did make a 100 on my state mandated revising and editing test so, I'm awesome with grammar making me, a good beta, most likely. NerdsRule does not do songfics by the way. I absoulutely love humor, parody, and romance so you'll see alot of those just to let you know. Bonus: 1. I have been a member since 10-23-12, have posted 14 stories that are online and have only gotten one flame. 2. On 1-13-13 I was asked to join a website called noveljoy. 3. I am a member of SweetestIrony on Deviantart. 4. On 2-15-13 I was asked if I had joined a contest and on the 18th, I was told by beastmode953 to go to Advancers.proboards dotcom. It would mean so much to me if I could join. Could you let me know by PM? Thank you. -NerdsRule. 4/4/2013 #1,269
Um, my application spacing got messed up so please excuse that.4/4/2013 #1,270
Sorry for the wait, here's the general consensus:
The characters seemed to be quite out of character and the strings of adjectives in the dialogue weren't all that great. While most found the actual writing to be decent, it seemed more like the dream proposal of a little girl's as opposed to a real one. Bits also seemed choppy.
As for the reasons, not much stood out at all... NovelJoy's a somewhat high-tier website though, so that mention was a plus.
Overall your mark stood at an average of about 5/12 and consisted of three passes and three fails, meaning that ultimately you were failed. Unfortunately, we're going to have to turn you down for now but feel free to re-apply after a month has passed.4/7/2013 #1,271
I think I came out of retirement. I've been far too lazy for far too long. That being said, I think it's time I rejoined the group. It's about time I started doing something that actually stimulates rather than rots my brain. So without further ado, here is my newest application for TDS. :)
My name is Loring638, though Loring is fine.
I am male and 16 years of age.
Here is a one-shot I posted on my profile.
Videl and Gohan had just gotten out of another useless class that they already knew all the answers to and they were heading back to Gohan's house for a study session with absolutely no studying involved.
Of course, for Videl to even have a chance at keeping up with Gohan while flying home, Gohan had to slow himself down to his lowest level.
When they landed, Videl was still moody at how she still hadn't managed to surpass Tien's level. She'd already surpassed Yamcha, but she wasn't going to be happy until she was past Gohan.
They walked in the front door and were both surprised at the sight in front of them. About five feet in front of them were Chi-Chi standing in the middle with Trunks to her left and Goten to her left. All three of them had their hands on their hips.
Goten and Trunks spoke in unison. "We've been training for this day, Gohan."
Surprised by this, Gohan asked somewhat nervously, "What day?
The boys spoke again. "The day when we finally kick you aside as the weakest half-saiyan."
Gohan's pride prickled at this and asked incredulously, "What are you talking about?"
"We're talking about Gotenks finally becoming stronger than you."
He just looked at them and got a strange sense of déjà vu. It had to do with Vegeta saying this repeatedly to his father and always ended with the same results. Vegeta on the ground screaming 'STOP'.
He told them to follow him outside. Videl started to follow them, but before she could get out the door, Chi-Chi called to her. "Videl, could you stay here for a minute?"
Surprised but willing, she stood back while the boys went outside to finally see who came the closest, but nowhere near, to Goku and Vegeta.
Chi-Chi asked her to take a seat. They both sat at the kitchen table.
"Videl, you and my son are dating, correct?" Chi-Chi asked.
Videl blushed furiously. She was sure about Gohan but she was still uncomfortable saying these things out loud. "Y-yes Ma'am."
Chi-Chi then shouted "WRONG!" at which point, Videl jumped.
"No one is aloud to date my son unless I say so," Said Chi-Chi. "To do so, that person wishing to date him must pass my test."
"What test would that be?" she asked nervously.
By now, she had put together why Trunks and Goten had chosen today to challenge Gohan. Had Gohan had been here, he would have argued fiercely with his mother. She was going to have a serious talk with those two who were probably one by now.
"I need to test your strength. To date my son, you must be able to beat me in an arm wrestling match."
Videl nearly burst out laughing. Chi-Chi may have been strong in her day but she wasn't exactly in the prime of her youth.
"No offence Chi-Chi, but I don't want to hurt you," she said delicately.
"No offence Videl, but I don't think you could even if you tried," Chi-Chi replied bluntly.
Videl bristled at this. She was one of the best crime fighter's in Satan city. Not saying, seeing as the cops were somewhat useless when compared to her and The Great Saiyaman.
"Alright, you're on!" she told her heatedly.
"Just what I was hoping for," she said coyly. "Goku could you come downstairs for a minute?" She called upstairs.
"Sure," he called back down. He was there in a nanosecond. "Yeah?"
"Videl and I need a space to arm wrestle. Could we use you?"
Videl, not sure she heard correctly, said, "I'm sorry, what?"
"We need a place to arm wrestle and my husband's chest is pretty much the only thing we can't damage while doing so," she explained.
"Sure you can use me," Goku said with a grin.
"Great. Let's get to it then," said Chi-Chi.
Goku lay on the coffee table and Videl and Chi-Chi kneeled down on either side of him.
"Here are the rules," began Chi-Chi, "The winner is decided by pinning the other's arm to Goku's body. He will inform us as soon as he feel one of us touch down. We only have five minutes left until the boy's time runs out so that's how much time we have. If neither of us has pinned the other in that time, Goku will decide the winner. Simple enough?" she asked.
Videl just nodded. She was uncomfortably aware that her entire future with Gohan rested on the next five minutes.
She grasped Chi-Chi's hand firmly in her own over Goku's chest.
Goku began the countdown. "Three."
Videl began to wonder if she could really beat Chi-Chi. After all, she was the only woman to ever make it to the quarter-finals of the World Martial Arts Tournament. Well, aside from Ran Fan, but she only got that far by being a stripper.
She began to wonder whether Gohan was really the right guy for her.
She suddenly made up her mind that she would do what ever it took to make Gohan happy.
She put all her strength behind her push. She was surprised at the resistance Chi-Chi put up. Chi-Chi may have been using her full strength too but she couldn't even push Videl back an inch. Videl was equally deadlocked. Then, Videl lost a centimetre. She was horrified. Chi-Chi was slowly pushing her back. She felt her strength flagging. Her hand had almost touched Goku when she thought of Gohan.
She thought back to when she had first met him. He had been so nerdy, but adorable. He had been so secretive, though. Then, slowly, she had been able to pry her way in. She had broken down the walls that he had put up around his heart after the untimely death of his father. She had grown to love that nerdy little face and the determination to do the right thing.
She fuelled her love for that boy, who had grown into a man, into her arm and inch by inch, she pushed Chi-Chi-'s arm back. She kept going until she drove her hand slowly but firmly onto Goku's chest.
"Videl wins!" shouted Goku.
After a moment of flexing her wrist Chi-Chi simply stated "You have my blessing."
At that minute, the boys came in the door.
"Hey Videl, where were you? You should have seen me; I kicked their butt from here to Namek and back." enthused Gohan.
"I just helped your mom with some chores," she said off-handedly
Chi-Chi then gave her a look that plainly said You and I are going to get along great.
I have quality writing, which some of you can confirm. Also I beta read for DBZQueens's Two Words: Gohan and Videl for chapters 16, 17 and 18.
I have a very strong grasp of spelling and grammar. I write an average of 2000 words per chapter.
Bonus: I'm already pretty friendly with most of you. I'm impulsive and eager to try new things. I'm logical and when in doubt, I consult either a close friend, a dictionary or both.
Hope I get in... again. :)4/21/2013 #1,272
It is my duty to inform Loring638 that you have been unsuccessful in your attempt to apply for TDS. The general consensus was that we believed that since you had been a member in the past you took us too lightly and didn't produce the best work that you could have for us. Every mark given though was on the borderline between failing and passing if that is any consolation. If you wish to reapply in a month's time, we hope that you bring us something that shows just what you are capable of accomplishing.
Thank you for your time4/22/2013 #1,273
Am I still allowed to participate in topics if I'm not a member? I'm getting bored and wanna talk DBz so e where4/25/2013 #1,274
Sure, but this thread is for new applicants. The general chat and other topics can be used to converse about DBZ if you'd like.4/25/2013 #1,275
Disregard...:D5/2/2013 . Edited 5/2/2013 #1,276
OH, MY GOD WHY!!!
What happened to the paragraphs.........
Help.. :(5/2/2013 #1,277
If you would like to resubmit the application, go ahead.5/2/2013 #1,278
So to start things off, here's a little bit about me.
Name: Joana Silva; j.boboleta is my pen name (as Google would have it :D) but you can call me Bobo, for short.
Email j.boboleta @ gmail (dot) com
Further information: I'm from Portugal (GMT 0:00) and kind of new to the whole writing endeavor.
I started just a couple of months ago with my one and only fanfic 'A state of indifference' that is mainly a GhxVi romance that I like to describe as the most 'real world believable' story I can make, considering it includes aliens, afterlife and green men from outer space. But since 'real' life is normally pretty boring, some 'pixie dust' is always a good thing too add. ;)
I have a degree in Biotechnology Engineering and am a thorough investigator (I guess that could also be a 'what can I bring to the table' mark). Example: in my story Gohan wants to play football with 'regular' people but his power wouldn't make it fair to do so, in his opinion. So he starts using a ki suppressor cuff around his wrist (courtesy of Bulma) and I responded to some questions a reader asked about it in one of my author's notes. It's here, at the bottom of the page, if you're interested in checking out my process when envisioning the cuff. www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/9083710/7/A-state-of- indifference, I hope the link goes through like this...
After being approached by DarkVoid116, who gracefully explained me the basics (thank you again!), I would really enjoy making the team mainly for the feedback. I have amazing followers and regular reviewers but sometimes I think they're too kind. :D I need constructive criticism and brutal honesty if I want to evolve and that's why I'm here. And I do enjoy chatting up and exchanging ideas with new people, of course.
I do watch other shows but I don't consider myself well versed enough in any of them and not nearly as passionate as I am about Dragon Ball Z (DB and DB GT, as well although not as much). Gohan and Videl are my all time favorites, but more and more so I'm falling in love with the other 'big guys': Goku, Vegeta, Bulma and, to a lesser extent, Chi-Chi and Piccolo.
Why I think I should be added: Well, as I stated earlier, I'm Portuguese and English is not my native language. That being said, and even though I most definitely am not beta-reader material (commas... why do you hate me, so? :) I do realize that I have a good feeling if the plot/sentence/paragraph 'flows' or not. If it feels right. Does that make sense?
My greatest abilities, I reckon, are dialogs and transmitting a character's feelings. I love taking over for the characters and thinking 'is this in character? and if not, is it ok enough?' 'does this feel right?' 'would he say this?'. I do it to such an extent that, if anyone saw me writing, would laugh at my facial expressions since I often catch myself grinning when a character's grinning, or frowning, or crying, or whatever. Pitiful, really. :D
I've made a promise to my readers that I'd post a new chapter every week (Normally, 5.000 characters. My biggest one, so far? ...... It's over 9.000!!!!! Get it? xD) and I've been able to keep it up, so I guess I meet the deadlines that I impose on myself really nicely.
Bonus: Ok, so, I'll go for the kill.
I am kind of funny and enjoy a good laugh;
And I hope that this poem helps speak on my behalf.
I love perfection, or at least that's what I aim
And, for sure, responsibility is my middle name.
I'd love to make the team if so you deem fit.
And that, bottom line, is why I submit.
Okay. Now for the excerpt. I've selected two from my story since I wanted to show all of my qualities and wasn't sure if I could do it in one single selection. There is a small explanation/comment at the end of each one.
About 45 minutes later, his right pants' pocket finally buzzed with a text message that read "Right outside. Come get me? ;)". Thank goodness she wasn't late for dinner. He smiled at the wink emoticon. 'So her.'
Promptly exiting back to the main lobby, he searched for his friend through the few people still out there. After a moment, his eyes were drawn to movement in the coat check area and he saw her figure right when she was turning around.
Their gazes connected in the distance. She looked... breathtaking.
An electrical current pierced through his heart depleting him of everything. ... It was something he never felt and nothing he could describe.
The entirety of his surroundings vanished before his eyes and the darkness enveloped him. His whole life rushed through his mind, like they say it happens just before you die. Emotions he wished he would never have to go through again forced themselves on him, as real and as palpable as in the actual moments in time.
His soft little hands felt the leathery touch of the seat in Raditz's space pod. Piccolo's screams pierced his sensitive eardrums, as shreds of intense light from Nappa's attack shone through his callused fingers. The distinct smell of Vegeta's tears on Namek, the taste of bile in his mouth after he saw his father take Cell away,... and the sight in front of him, at this very moment.
The image changed and he saw his own inanimate body, tuxedo and all, shredded and bloodied and spent, left somewhere to die beneath the thundering dark-gray clouds of a barren sky. There was no life in this place. Nothing. The smooth ground on his back formed a large squared stage with four spear-like trimmings on each corner and it was covered with tiles, painted in a deceitful white. It was so incredibly cold and hard as his own remains, and he was becoming one with it. His soul was void. His lungs, weighted. The thick drops of icy water that rained down on him burnt his milky eyes but he didn't have the energy to close them. There was nothing left of him but the space he was occupying.
A shadow appeared. His vision was blurry but he managed to make out a set of unmistakable, soft spikes of hair. It was his father, kneeling on top of him and saying something, but he couldn't hear him. His big hands shook his lifeless body and he screamed right into his face with urgent intensity, but he still couldn't make out the words. He could feel him, though. Anger and rage and... fear.
Goku's hand touched his silent, inert chest and it glowed the brightest of pure whites. A flash of ethereal energy cleared the skies and the next thing he knew, his whole body jerked violently from the shock it released. He could hear him, now.
The world returned to him and he inhaled a slow, incredibly deep breath like he was making up for all the air he didn't breathe in years. All the raw emotions he wanted to have felt but couldn't, ran him over and crashed onto his defibrillated heart like an asteroid on a forsaken planet. His body started shaking uncontrollably, shivering from a coldness he didn't feel anymore. Like he had been sleeping naked and uncovered for the longest night. Like he was regaining consciousness.
He opened his eyes.
I chose this excerpt because it's one of various where I get deep within a character's mind and is one that I'm really proud of. I also chose this to show you how I consider the story as a whole and not only one chapter at the time. 'He opened his eyes' is in Italic because it's sort of a flashback and it's the very first sentence in the very first chapter of the story. It meant to transmit how his life was beginning again, being brought back to existence by the breathtaking sight of her. I know many readers wouldn't get it (even if they read the chapters all at once) but it's important to me to convey it and one not getting what I'm going for is not a valid argument when it comes to not embellish a story, in my opinion.
As a side note, I did evolve a lot since I started the story and am now more aware of mistakes in terms of grammar and tenses (sticking to one, mainly). I have polished this excerpt for your appreciation regarding those specific matters but haven't gotten around to update the whole chapter on the website yet, so it's a tad bit different if you go and check it out.
Even miles away, he was still warming her up. Her head shook slightly and she smiled. 'Dirty, dirty mind, Videl', she thought, trying to push back the memories of a couple of her latest dreams, since this was hardly the place for them. She found herself wishing that bedtime would come sooner...
A click and the sliding motion of the glassy door behind her brought her gaze to it. "Hi, daddy."
"What in the world are you doing out here, Videl?! It's freezing cold!" Hercule asked in his booming voice, crossing his arms and concealing his hands from the cool breeze. She could smell his boozy breath.
"It's not that bad."
"Not that bad?!" He snorted. "That blanket must be incredibly warm." She bit her lip so as not to laugh, given her previous thoughts.
A silent moment surrounded them and Hercule inspected the view in the front of the house. He pointed. "See that car? The red one? That's the one I was thinking about buying for you."
Videl's left eyebrow rose. "Daddy, I don't need a Ferrari."
"You need a car. Why not a Ferrari?"
"I don't really NEED a car. I have the bus, and if I need it, Erasa lets me borrow hers."
"You're my daughter, Videl. You can't keep borrowing Erasa's car. What would people think?!"
"People don't care about me, daddy. You're the hero."
"That's true." He nodded thoughtfully. "But you still have a reputation to maintain."
"Daddy." She made her gaze cut right through him, as to make her point clear and firm. "I don't want a Ferrari."
"Ok, fine. I'll keep looking." He paused, defeated. "How's Rick doing? I haven't seen him in a while."
Her ex's name made her frown in disgust, and she tensed in anticipation of the dialog about to unfold. "Rick and I broke up, daddy." She spoke, solemnly.
"What?!" Hercule shrieked, completely surprised.
"Yeah. It wasn't working out." She offered no explanation. There was no need to evolve the conversation further to detailing the events and arguments that had ended her relationship.
Hercule wasn't satisfied though. "What do you mean it wasn't working out?!" His tone was shockingly appalled, and his frown displayed his displeasure. Videl shrugged, not really in the mood to explain her actions. Her gaze returned to the dark horizon and she wondered about the names of the stars that were speckling it like a glittery mist. 'Gohan would know...' Her father, still standing behind her, finally began to speak again. "Since when?"
"A few months."
Hercule's tone dropped, hinting disappointment. "You should have told me sooner. I have the right to know."
Videl's head shot back to meet his eyes, a carbon-copy of her own, both in frown and color. "What?! Why?! It's MY relationship."
He didn't hear her words. Or maybe he did and just refused to consider them worthy of an answer. "I'm sure you can work things out."
"We won't be working things out, dad! It's over between us."
"You're just saying that because you're hurt."
"He tried to hit me! I'm not hurt, I'm done!"
"He tried to hit you?!"
"Yes, he did! Right in the middle of the street!" His silence deluded her into a false sense of closure, but he was fast to bring her back to reality.
"...what did you do?" His voice was firm and accusing, certainly not the tone Videl had expected. The harsh words were fast and sharp, like the knife he was piercing through her back. She stood up to face him, relinquishing her blanket for the fire that was growing inside her. "What?!"
"You had to have done something. He wouldn't just hit you like that."
"I didn't do anything! But even if I did, it's not ok to simply go out and slap a person in the face!"
"I'm sure that if you just apologize..."
She didn't let him finish the sentence. "He tries to hit me, your daughter, and you take his side?!"
"Oh, come on, Videl. You can take a slap."
Her eyes widened inhumanely. "That's not the point!"
"No, the point is you shouldn't break up with him just because of that."
"That was just the last straw! He was awful to me! He was disrespectful, controlling, and..." Her resolve was quickly giving way to frustrated anger, but she reminded herself of Gohan's words, once again boosting her spirit like they had countless times before. She was right about this! And there was no way anyone could convince her otherwise. She invoked them like a mantra. "I can't be with someone that makes me feel worthless."
"What do you mean 'worthless'? I know for a fact that he took you out to all sorts of upscale restaurants and clubs. His father owns most of them!"
"Yes, I know, dad." She couldn't be bothered to hear this shit again, and her tone showed it. There was no way she could tell when it happened, but somewhere along the line, her father's fame took first place in his list of priorities and maintaining it became a full-time job. Rick's father opened a lot of doors around town for him, but that didn't mean she was to be payment for that pleasantry.
"Then don't go making stuff up about him and just make things right!" Hercule's words increased in volume, clearly intending to show that, adult or not, his daughter was to obey his orders and be happy about it.
"That's NOT going to happen! He's a terrible boyfriend and an even worse human being! I'd rather be alone!" Videl's intensity matched her father's in a locked-horns quarrel. She was known for her temper when it came to injustice and misdeeds, and this was clearly both. She would fight for this, nails and teeth.
"Good, because that's exactly what's going to happen! Do you really think that there's someone else out there who can live up to my rule?! Even Rick barely made a dent in your old man! You're going to end up alone and unloved until you finally come around and then I wouldn't blame him if he didn't take you back!"
She snorted internally at his 'rule'. 'Please, as if I ever really followed your 'rule'.' Rick was her first 'official' boyfriend because of the damn rule, but even if he lasted longer than the others, he was certainly not the first one. "Can't you get it?! I don't want him back! And I don't care what you call it but that is NOT love! I would die alone before settling for someone like Rick!"
"Oh, the reporters would LOVE that one! 'Mr. Satan's daughter, the lonely spinster'. You can't embarrass me like that! Life is not a movie and love is not butterflies and rainbows all the time!"
"I don't want to be 'Mr. Satan's daughter'!" She air-quoted the words. "I want to be myself!"
"Well, tough break. You can't expect a life of riches for free. You're gonna call Rick tomorrow and beg him to forgive you, you understand, young lady?!"
"Call him yourself!! You two are great for each other! And maybe, if you behave, he'll just end up marrying you and then you can finally stop whoring around with every barely-of-age bimbo you see!!"
This time she never even saw it coming. Videl tried not to see her father take the appearance of the ex-boyfriend, but how could she not, when he succeeded in doing what Rick had failed to accomplish. A slap to the face. She refused to wish that Gohan was there to stop this one, too proud to allow for such a damsel-in-distress demeanor, but the truth was she would give anything for him to be there, and the warm sensation in her eyes proved it, even if she told herself that it was the product of physical pain alone.
For a moment, she could sense him and she forced her mind to fill in for his actions. He would stand by her back, preparing her for war, mirroring her death-glare and increasing it ten-fold. She would feel the arrows in his eyes burning as they took aim, condemning her terrified enemies to the fiery confines of hell. His breaths would blow away all of her fears and his heartbeats would scare off any doubts, like battle-horn and drum roll, in her army of one. His hand would grip her shoulder in an unshakable gesture of trust, and armor her entire body with his protective energy. He would remind her of her strength. And she would feel invincible.
"V-Videl, I..." Hercule started, visibly shaken up with regret of his own action but Videl was focused. He wouldn't win. Rick wouldn't win. Her tears would retreat only to never return and she would rise above in glory. Gohan smiled with pride from behind her, before vanishing in an aura of gold. She turned around and left.
I truly hope you don't consider this too long... It's a good example of the dialog component I wanted to convey and, just so the scene wouldn't be lost without any ending, I also added the last paragraphs. Full disclosure, for this last scene I did have minor help when it came to commas (my mortal enemy) and a couple of grammar errors that I totally admit on making every now and then, but that's it. It's some of my best work and so I couldn't really discard it when I believe it didn't diminish its value as my own piece. I take full responsibility for submitting this even though you clearly ask for 'original' material, since I can vouch for its integrity and assure you that it's MY work. The whole text: ideas, dialog, analogies, words, etc. That being said, I perfectly understand if you decide not to take it into consideration and disregard it completely. The first excerpt is all my own, no help whatsoever.
Looking forward to your evaluation! :D5/2/2013 #1,279
Nice way to start things off, huh?! :D5/2/2013 #1,280
The general consensus read something like this:
Writing: The writing style is definitely different unique but still very good. Various members really enjoyed the dialogue between Hercule and Videl, recognizing it is definitely a strength of yours. The general consensus was that we could relate to the characters and envision the scene happening right in front of us. Everybody thought your ability to create high quality, fast updates was definitely a plus in your favor. Your reasons were decent enough to not hinder your application and your bonus poem did receive some attention as a minor plus. All in all everybody agreed the combination of writing, reasons, and bonus amounted to an easy pass. You scored an average of a 9/12. YOU PASS.
An introductory PM package will be sent to you shortly courtesy of one of our monthly leaders. Congratulations.5/3/2013 . Edited 5/3/2013 #1,281
Yeyyy!! Thanks, guys.
I look forward to it!5/3/2013 #1,282
Hi there! Super excited to apply. DarkVoid116 recommended Team Dragon Star to me, and after looking through this, I really, really like what I see. :) This is an awesome group that I would love to be a part of. Alright, here goes!
Pen Name: videlll. Just as my penname is on my actual account!
Email: saravidelll @ gmail(dot)com
About Me: Well, just generally about me, my name's Sara, and you all can call me either by my name or by videlll, and I've been on this site for around 2 years now! I'm primarily a Gh/Vi writer, but I write about other Dragon Ball Z characters on occasion, as well. :) I ran another fanfiction account by the name of dbzqueens with my sister when I first started, where we would write our own stories but post them on the same account, yet just recently I branched out and made my own account! I absolutely love writing fanfiction(duh), and would love to be a part of this group and be able to expand on and improve my writing even more. Personality-wise, I'm pretty bubbly and tend to just enjoy myself, no matter what it is that I do. I enjoy making people laugh and overall I'm just a goofball who spends her time on the internet! Yay!
Writing: Alrighty, so, the excerpt of my writing that I chose to share with you all today is from my story, 'Candles'. The summary is as follows: There in that dusty old dojo, Videl cried her eyes out, and punched until she couldn't feel her own fists. "It's not fair, it's not fair..." she whispered continuously, endlessly, hopelessly. And just when she was at her lowest, and when things seemed their darkest, a flickering little candle, a beacon of light arrived... in the form of Son Gohan.
DarkVoid116 helped me pick out which part of the story to include in my application, so I wanted to thank you for that! :D
Videl let out a wail that was a mix between a cry of rage and a sob of helplessness, and got back on her feet, determined to keep training. Determined to release all of her anger and sadness out on that old, worn out punching bag.
She punched once, and then again, warm, wet tears cascading down her cheeks rapidly. She was so immersed in her training that she let the time slip away, as hour by hour passed. She didn't notice the dull ache in her arms that was starting to form. She didn't notice the light outside going from bright to dark. She didn't even notice when the doors to the dojo slowly creaked open, and a certain Saiyan boy walked in, filled with concern.
He looked around, confused. The dimly lit room seemed empty, so why would Erasa tell him afterschool that Videl was… here? He took a few more steps inside the musty old room, and that's when he heard the soft whimpering and the sound of fists hitting a punching bag. Gohan's face took on a solemn expression, and he began walking towards the sound.
Videl whimpered again, but continued to punch, and when the pain of the memories of her mother became too much, she ripped the training gloves off her fingers and turned to the mirrored walls, staring, half-crazed with sadness, at her ragged reflection. Her rubber-bands that kept her pigtails together had fallen out, and her black hair clung to her face as she was drenched in sweat, tears streaming down her face. She let out a cry of pure hatred and punched the mirror, breaking it into shards which pierced her bare skin. Videl whimpered once more, and, as she fell to the ground, overwhelmed with weakness, a pair of strong arms caught her from behind; those arms belonging to a boy who had been watching quietly from a corner of the dimly lit room for a few minutes.
Videl, too tired to even question who had caught her, continued to weep, and let Gohan wrap his strong arms around her. She finally decided to look at who had caught her just in time, and her eyes widened at who it was.
"Gohan?" she asked in a broken whisper, shocked that the shy, quiet boy from her class, who seemed to be hiding things constantly, was the one to come to her rescue. He nodded once, with a look of understanding in his eyes that she had never seen before in another human being, and she wrapped her arms tightly around his neck, sobbing. He held her tightly, until she cried herself to sleep.
When Videl opened her eyes, she looked at her surroundings, and memories of what had happened earlier flooded back into her mind. Videl found herself in Gohan's lap on the ground, with his arms tightly around her. Videl blushed profusely, and looked down, but, seeing as she couldn't quite move due to weakness, stayed put. She sighed, and felt a gentle hand brush some hair out of her eyes.
"Gohan…how long have I been asleep?" she asked warily, rubbing her eyes, not fully trusting the strange boy who had found her at the last second. He chuckled.
"About a couple hours, you really tired yourself out." She turned to look at him, but then looked away. Gohan looked at her, concerned.
"Videl, look at me," he said. She avoided his gaze. He sighed, tilting her chin up, blushing ever-so-slightly, so that she would look him in the eyes. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, Gohan, I'm fine…" she muttered, and looked confusedly down at her left fist, which was bandaged tightly. She looked at Gohan, puzzled.
"I bandaged your hand after you punched the mirror," he said quietly, a slight red tint to his cheeks appearing as he looked down. Videl smiled slightly, picturing him getting out his little first aid kit that his mother made him keep in his bag.
'You can never be too careful, Vi!' she remembered him saying after she had tripped one day while they were walking in the park, scraping her knee. She had laughed at him, and he had blushed, embarrassed.
"How did you know I would be here?" she asked him. The only person she had ever told was…
"Oh…" Videl gasped quietly in understanding, and glared. "I told her not to tell anyone!" she exclaimed angrily, thinking of her bubbly blonde friend, who she probably couldn't trust to keep her secrets anymore. She made a mental note to yell at her later. Gohan chuckled, but his face grew serious.
"Videl, you shouldn't have come here without telling anyone," he said, genuine concern flowing strongly through his words. Videl sighed.
"Gohan, I'm not a baby, I can take care of myself. Besides," she muttered, frustrated, "I…I needed this." Gohan nodded, and Videl looked at him. Again, there was that look of total and complete understanding in his eyes. It was as if… he knew exactly what she was going through.
And then, Videl remembered…he did know what she was going through.
"Gohan," she began hesitantly, shifting herself off of his lap and onto the floor in front of him. "Tell me more about your father."
He stiffened considerably and looked down at her, surprised. Ever since he started school at Orange Star High, he never really talked much about his father. One time during a conversation at lunch, Erasa pointed that fact out, and Gohan coldly and quietly told them that he had died. Erasa had apologized time and time again, but Gohan merely said it was okay, that it wasn't a really big deal. After lunch, when Erasa and Sharpener had wandered off to their next class, Videl had curiously, and a tad bit suspiciously, asked who his father was.
"Son Goku," he replied bluntly, before rushing off to class. Videl had stood there, dumbstruck. The famous fighter, Son Goku? Her gaze had softened. She had felt bad for the poor nerd, losing a family member was very hard.
She would know.
Gohan sighed, and looked at the raven haired girl, looking down at his hands in his lap, embarrassed. His gaze softened as he looked up at her again.. She was just so beautiful. And stubborn. And strong. And angry. And clever. And…and beautiful! He only wished that she would trust him completely, and, and feel the same way about him as he did about her. He sighed, remembering her original question.
"He was such a happy guy," Gohan began softly. Videl peeked up at Gohan through her eyelashes "So strong, and just so…carefree." Videl closed her eyes again, listening intently, sadly.
"Yet, no matter how happy-go-lucky he seemed, he was never afraid to sacrifice himself for the ones he loved and cared about. So…" he looked down, tightening his fists. "When I lost him because I was too arrogant to finish off that monster, Cell, in time, I was filled maddeningly with grief and pain and… shock." Videl opened her eyes and looked down sadly, remembering the time Gohan had first told her about who actually defeated Cell. He never really went into way too much detail, but she could see the look of hurt in his eyes when he told her the truth.
"It hurt to lose him, and to have to raise Goten, my little brother, without a father in his life, but, over the years…I learned something," he said, finally, seeming to struggle with his words. "I learned that instead of missing him, we should cherish the memories of what made that great man so great. Instead of mourning over a loss, we should be celebrating a life. And, Videl… that day I learned that it's okay to show your emotions." Her eyes flew open, and she stared at him incredulously, taking in everything he was telling her.
"Videl, I care about you, more than you know, and the last thing I wanted to see was you let your feelings out on that dusty old punching bag and a mirror. I want you to be able to let your feelings out to me," he took in a shaky breath, amazed that he was revealing all of this to the girl he liked and admired so much.
"Videl… I...I like you a lot."
Videl looked up at him, completely caught off guard.
Could it be true? Did he...did he really have mutual feelings for her as she did for him?
Videl had never been one to fall for a boy. Boys were stupid, perverted, insensitive creatures who, quite frankly, didn't deserve her time of day. Ever. But, when Gohan came along, he was different. Smart, adorable, incredibly good looking, and the best part of all...he didn't care about the famous, great Hercule Satan's daughter.
No. He cared about Videl.
Videl smiled softly, a red tint to her cheeks, matching Gohan's. Without a second thought, she pressed her lips to his softly, lovingly, and pulled away. Gohan could only stutter and blink repeatedly, his cheeks burning bright red.
"I like you too, Gohan. A lot."
He grinned widely and stood up, holding his hand out to her. She shook her head, smiling just as wide but indicating she wasn't able to stand at the moment. He nodded and swooped her up into his arms, bridal style.
"G-Gohan!" she cried out, caught off guard. He laughed loudly, and together they left that Dojo.
That Dojo had always been filled only with terrible memories when Videl first walked into it that day.
However, when the two of them left, it now held a happy one.
Like a small flickering candle in the dark, a tiny beacon of hope.
Videl smiled as they walked through the door. Gohan was right.
'Instead of missing her, we should cherish the memories of what made that great woman so great. Instead of mourning over a loss, we should be celebrating a life...
'Thank you, momma. Rest in peace.'
Why I Want To Join: Honestly, this whole collaboration just seems so incredible to me. I love the idea of so many skilled writers coming together and producing the best fanfiction possible, along with helping each other improve. I would loveee to be a part of this, and contribute in any way I can.
Why I Believe I Should Be Added: Well, I'm a die-hard fan of fanfiction, and have been writing and posting on this site for about two years now... I love every second of it. I believe I'm great with grammar and detail, and if added, it would give me the kick in the butt I need to update frequently! Haha. I'm very good about accomplishing anything I set my mind to, so if you give me a task, I can guarantee I'll complete it! My specialty is Gohan/Videl romance and/or humor fanfiction, but I believe I can do fairly well with other characters, as long as it's romance or humor. Those two genres I work with best. That and tragedy. I do fairly well with tragedy too. Unfortunately. xD I also believe that I do fairly well with keeping people in character! There's always room to improve though, no matter what it is. Not only do I believe I can bring a lot to the table, but I hope to take away advice and improvement with the help of the writers a part of this collaboration, who's writing I enjoy tremendously. It would be such an honor to work with you all, and I'm practically tingling with excitement thinking about how much this experience could help me improve. I do believe that while I have pros to my writing, I do have cons, and I would sincerely love any criticism, be it harsh or not. Excellence is what I aim for, so any kind of criticism is sincerely appreciated. :) As long as I'm focused and enjoying what I'm writing, I believe I can provide quality writing.
So, overall, it would be an absolute honor to be accepted into this group, and I look forward to your response! :D5/8/2013 #1,283
Writing: The writing was judged between alright and dull. There was a fair amount of vocabulary use and there wasn't anything grammatically wrong that was noticed, but the flow and POV switching really took away from the piece. It wasn't bad, but it could have been better. There is potential.
Reason: The biggest reason noticed was your claim that you can consistently contribute to the group. We sincerely hope you live up to that claim. Other than that, it felt like you were spitballing reasons rather than making a case for yourself.
Grade: 6.5/12 PASSED.
A welcome PM will be sent to you shortly. Congratulations.5/9/2013 #1,284
Well, I'm super excited to know that through this group I'll be able to improve on those flaws! Thank you so much. I definitely will contribute to the best of my ability. I look forward to it.5/9/2013 #1,285
Hi umm kaleb recommended me to join? Not really sure how and I m a fan of your stories. I just haven't really been satisfied with my writing style lately and been on hiatus. So yeah5/29/2013 #1,286
Take a look at the first page of this thread. Every thing you need to do to apply is explained right there on the top. Good luck!!5/29/2013 #1,287
U m does this count??? I got this message from kaleb. Say, I've been looking over your profile and I took the liberty to check your work out a bit. and I must you that you didn't disappoint me :). Have you ever considered applying for TDS yourself? Our number of active members is at an all time low and we could DEFINITELY use the extra help. I know your profile said that you don't write until you're able to do so without the help of betareaders, and I'm sure that we can help you on your way with that. And believe me, if you collab with some of the members a few times you'll start to notice your writing skill growing as well. I hope that you take it into consideration and if you decide to go for it you can find a link to our Marshalling Zone on the TDS accpunt ;) Today 6:52AM Also it'll give you the chance to both write and just talk and chat with the members of TDS. Of course there well be me and Kakarot Son, but other names like gue22, ShadowMajin, Razamataz22 might be appealing :). ......so yeah. Does it have to be DBz cuz I noticed u have other fandoms there5/29/2013 #1,288
There is an application form that needs to be filled out.
Reason for Joining:
What you can bring to the team:
I recommend you check out past applications and use those as a model for your application.5/29/2013 #1,289
Sorry, but no.
You have to post your application here and then be graded by the marshalling squad. If you have any further questions you can PM me or any other current member but it's all explained pretty explicitly right there on the first page.5/29/2013 #1,290
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