Hey, Ashley. I'm boboleta. We've gone through your application. Consensus was that the constant POV shift hurt your flow, and we would like to have seen the action be described rather than summed up. That being said, we enjoyed your excerpt and feel like you have clear potential to improve, so you passed. Congratulations! You'll be receiving your introductory package in a bit.10/18/2013 #1,321
|Orchestra Of Order
Greetings, I am Zalkari Ament. I am nineteen years of age and have been writing non-professionally for several years. I am wishing to improve my writing with the help of others who also write themselves. I am also looking for people to converse with and whatnot. I give honor when honor is due, I am always open to constructive criticism and willing to learn and try new things.
I believe I should be apart of this group for I can give suspenseful stories and plenty of ideas of making fan fiction in regards to Dragon Ball Z. I know how to catch a readers eye and I know how to keep them interested. I can update weekly, though keep in mind I am looking for employment so my time is a bit limited.
As far as my weaknesses I do fail a bit in grammar and I use passive voice unintentionally at times, however I believe that can change if I am accepted into this group. However, I believe my flow in writing is quite good and consistent. I also specialize in poetry.
Now here is the latest chapter I submitted of the story that I am currently working on: The Eternal Struggle.
Gohan felt sick to his stomach. He was still not completely over the shock of what his best friend had almost done. He pushed the seat back from his desk where he does his schoolwork. He hated how everything in his life was turned upside down. His father had died in vain during the Cell Games and refused to return, his mother was a nervous wreck and only cooked and stayed in bed, and now his best friend had almost killed him and the earth. He despised his father for that, but would not openly admit it. He also had his three-year old brother to take care of. It wasn't right, but he dared not tell anyone. No, he'd do this alone.
"Daddy!" Gohan's little brother cried to him.
His little brother, Goten, calls him Daddy. Pitiful isn't it?
"What's up little guy?" Gohan said picking up the crying Goten.
"Mama's not waking up. I shook her and shook and shook her but she wouldn't wake up!" The three year old wailed.
Gohan reached out to sense his mother's ki. It was faint, but unstable. Immediately he bolted to his mother's room, nearly knocking his three year old brother down. "Mom!" Gohan yelled.
He felt his mothers pulse, it was barely existent. Gohan began to cry like his little brother. No don't leave me! Not you too. Please!
Chi-Chi's ki then disappeared as if to tell Gohan goodbye. Gohan was in shock…he had now lost his mother. His little brother walked into the room. Gohan felt his emotions coming up. He was on his knees crying and barely controlling himself.
"Daddy is mommy going to be ok?" The three year old half-Saiyan looked up at his older brother.
Goten's voice brought Gohan back to reality. Gohan walked over to his brother "No…mommy is not coming back…"
The three-year old broke out in tears. Gohan held his brother and cried with him, silently. Gohan had to tell Bulma at least…he had no choice. Otherwise CPS would come and take them both away. He was only thirteen so he wasn't an adult in the eyes of the law.
"Goten." Gohan said. The three-year old looked up at his older brother with tears still streaming down his eyes. "We're going to go over to Trunks's house."
Goten usually would be jumping for joy, but he was too exhausted and depressed. He just buried his head in the chest of the one who was his daddy to him. He knew the older one looking like him was his brother, but he insisted in calling him daddy. Gohan had taken care of him for as long as he could remember, while his mommy did not even acknowledge his presence. "Okay" was the only word he could muster. He fell asleep on his daddy's chest.
Gohan carried the mini version of his father. He could never hate Goten, but each time he saw him a small surge of rage from his father. I will never forgive you father! The next time I see you I will break your jaw!
Gohan put his fingers on his head and searched for Vegeta's ki. He saw Solkarios's ki as well and became infurated. He did not want to deal with Solkarios at this time, but he had not much of a choice. He took a deep breath and teleported instantly into the Living Room where Vegeta, Bulma, Trunks, and Solkarios were all at.
Bulma and Trunks jumped at the spontaneous entrance of Gohan and his sleeping brother Goten. Vegeta was the first to speak. "You better have a damned good reason for barging into my home like this, brat."
Gohan turned and faced everyone else and replied emotionlessly. "My mother is dead. I had no other option."
Bulma couldn't believe what she just heard. Her best friend was gone. Tears came to her eyes and she covered her mouth and ran to the bathroom and threw up.
Vegeta felt a bit sorry for the two boys. "Alright, you can stay in the Guest room with Solkarios; Goten can go in the room with Trunks."
Gohan looked up at the Old Prince's eyes. "Vegeta, can me and Goten please have the Guest room?"
The older Saiyan got a little irritated, but could understand it. "Alright, I'll allow it, on one condition."
"What is that?" Gohan said weakly.
"You are going to be the bastard child's sparring partner as well as undergo my training course and do as I command." Vegeta grinned at the idea of having power over the brats.
Gohan did not like this one bit, but it was for the sake of Goten. "Fine."
Solkarios did not like the idea much anyway. He also had taken it hard when he heard that Chi-Chi, the one who filled the place as his mother had died. He was not crying outwardly his soul was shattered and his heart had been ripped to shreds. It had been the worst day of his life.
"It is getting late and the Woman needs me. Gohan, put Goten to bed, Trunks it's your bedtime as well. Solkarios, you go with Gohan back to his house and pay your respects, and do not kill each other or I promise you that I will make your lives more miserable than you could ever imagine." Vegeta said. They need some time to renew their friendship.
"Yes sir." Both Gohan and Solkarios said as they teleported away.
The boys appeared back at the place they both have spent their short thirteen years of life. It was their home. A place once filled with laughter and joy now was a graveyard silence that surrounded the Son home. They, both let tears stream freely down their faces, but wept silently.
"So mom's gone…" Solkarios broke the silence.
Gohan looked over at the crimson-eyed Saiyan. He was taller than Gohan by two inches. His muscles were more defined and he had a scar on his left jaw. Solkarios's normal form was one of the most complex things among anyone he and everyone else had ever seen for a Saiyan. His eyes did not change color when he changed into the Super Saiyan transformations. His normal form's hair was the same color as his eyes mixed with a black that made his hair a dark crimson color. The style of his hair was like Vegeta's, but he had four miniature spikes that went down to his shoulders and two bags that split at the center of his forehead. He was still angry at him.
"Yes. She is. Can you help me bury her?" Gohan said coldly.
The two hybrids went into the house and went to where Chi-Chi's lifeless body laid. The boys picked her body up and a scroll casing that had a red string around it, fell out of her hand and fell on the floor. Both Gohan and Solkarios's saw it.
"Hey, Gohan, what is that?" Solkarios said motioning his head to the scroll case.
Gohan had seen the scroll case before. It had a strange ki signature attached to it. His mother had said it was for him and Solkarios when they got older. Why would she have that in her hand…did she know she was going to die? Did she know she'd be abandoning her children? Gohan gritted his teeth at the thoughts that crossed his dark mind.
"Let's bury her and come back for it." Gohan replied in an agitated tone.
"Alright, c'mon." Solkarios said helping his best friend carry their dead mother to the shrine in which was dedicated to Goku.
Gohan despised this place it filled him with rage and sadness. Solkarios dug a grave right next to the shrine dedicated to Gohan's father. The boy's lowered their mother into the earth and replaced the dirt that was dug up.
The sky began to grow dark as a storm was approaching the area. Lightning flashed setting the tone of controlled chaos in the atmosphere. The two boys stood in silence for several moments paying their respects to their dead mother. After the rain had started to get to a steady pace the two boys went back into the house, soaked to the bone, made their way to the scroll casing that lay undisturbed from where they last left it.
"So what is this scroll?" Solkarios asked Gohan. He felt the strange, but familiar ki that radiated from the casing and the scroll inside the case as he picked up the case.
"My, I mean, our mom told me that it was for us both when we got older." Gohan replied.
"Well let's open it, obviously it's time." The Crimson-eyed Saiyan said as he broke the seal off the case and turned the case upside down to let a tightly rolled scroll fall into his palm.
He handed the scroll to Gohan. "You do the honors."
"Alright." Gohan broke the other seal on the scroll to reveal its contents and both of the boys began to read the words.
What the two teenagers are about to find out will alter them for the rest of their lives.
Thank you for taking your time to read this.
Zalkari Ament10/27/2013 #1,322
Hey, Zalkari. I'm Boboleta.
We've analysed your application and consensus was as following:
There was a definite lack of depth and emotion for what should be such a strong excerpt/scene, and it threw most of us off. It made us think you didn't really know the characters you were writing about. Also, it wasn't a good decision to show us an excerpt that depended so much on an OC we know nothing about. On one hand, it might make us wonder who he is, but on the other it simply throws us off from all the rest, which didn't help. It's awesome that you acknowledge your flaws, but it's also good to acknowledge your strenghts, meaning that you should be aware if they're accurate or not. I say this because, if this excerpt is an accurate example of your writing, we don't agree that you know how to catch a reader's eye, and you didn't keep us interested. This is meant as constructive criticism. Please take it as such.
Grammar-wise, there was major POV shifting which can (and did) become confusing for us as readers, and some other minor mishaps here and there.
We all think you have potential for improvement, but unfortunately, as things are right now, we will have to fail your aplication. That being said, we would definitely like to see you try again after you do some work on improving a bit by yourself.
Thank you for trying.10/27/2013 #1,323
|Orchestra Of Order
To all it may concern: Well I can see that just throwing the third chapter out of nowhere with no background or explanation of the story it is from can indeed be confusing and I agree, bad choice. I also am wondering, exactly what steps I need to take in order to improve my writing? As far as emotion how do I increase that within a story? The POV I guess it was more looking in as a third person POV....I do see what you are saying, however where is it I can get some help on improving. Yes, you can improve to a certain degree on your own, however if you do not know how to go about it, then how might you improve? (I'm using the word "you" in a generalized way, so please do not take it as I'm speaking directly to you.)
I seriously want to get better in my writing. As far as Solkarios is concerned, his origin has not yet been explained in the story, but is linked to the first chapter of the story in which I will get to very soon in the story I am writing.
Also, how long do I need to wait before reapplying?
Zalkari Ament10/27/2013 #1,324
First of all, I admire that you are trying to better yourself and learn what you can improve to get better. Good for you!
Also, you'll have to wait a minimum of one month to reapply.
Now concerning the rest of your questions regarding your improvement, I suggest you pay a visit to the "Reviews" thread. There you can ask for a thorough honest review of your work which I think should help you a lot.
Other than that, I will send you a PM in a bit with my opinion of this excerpt so you have something to start with, okay?10/27/2013 . Edited 10/27/2013 #1,325
So on the topic on why i should be added. I can write for Dragon Ball (obviously), Batman and Percy Jackson and the Olympians. I can write for other books as well but these are what I would prefer to write.My time zone is GMT(Ireland) and I love to write.I'm 14 and in secondary school at the moment so i usually update stories on weekends.The reason I write is to improve myself and the knowledge that someone reads what i write, no matter if they like it or hate it, puts a spring in my step.I need to improve my writing though, I know that.
On the topic of bonuses: Does dedication and personality count? I could write in Irish half decently but i doubt there's a huge fan base for that.
For writing:an excerpt form my story A normal day in Gotham City or is it? Set after The Joker is killed and Batman and Harley Quinn are taken prisoner. Set in Harleys point of view.
Harley Quinn's mind and heart shattered when the bullet entered The Joker's forehead. What could she do now. He was gone...gone! Her Puddin was gone and the world would never laugh again. They had thrown her in a damp cell but not before in her rage she had killed almost twenty of them. Smashing her mallet into their skulls again and again.
It had been hours since then and she was sobbing. It only was truly sinking in now, The Joker was dead, and killed by a kid no less! Harley was content to die her in this hell hole, she had decided she would not eat. That was if the guards gave her food that was. Her head riveting around to the other corner of the cell when she heard a groan from the other prisoner.
They had removed his cape and cowl and his utility belt, as well as his boots and gloves. The second he rose into a sitting position,rubbing his head she was on him. Punching and scratching the man cursing and crying. Surprisingly he didn't fight back and only held her by her wrists. "Harley, I didn't kill Joker" Batman hissed.
"You might as well have, he threw himself in front of that bullet for you and then you didn't even kill any of the guards" she screamed "and you let Ra's daughter get close and she whooped your ass". She continued to speak but it was inaudible over her loud sobs.
"There highly trained assassins Quinn not guards and I don't kill" Batman muttered softly staring at the crying woman.
"S..S...Screw you Batsy" Harley screeched in anger through her sobs. She withdrew into the other corner of the cell and continued to weep.
Side Note: I will continue to apply every month if my writing isn't good enough, I really want to join this group...But I'm not 100% sure on how docx transfers work, can you elaborate?11/9/2013 . Edited 11/10/2013 #1,326
Hey, Grin. Boboleta here.
We went over your application and consensus was as follows:
The excerpt was a little too short for us to be able to get a clear grasp of your writing skills. That being said, it's clear that you need to work on your punctuation, overall grammar, as well as some other stuff.
Dedication does count, as long as you are able to stand by it. There's no problem if you can only update/write on weekends if you actually do the work that is required of you. We're not some sort of dictatorship and we're certainly not perfect when it comes to keep to deadlines, but we are, first and foremost, a writing community. Even if this is only a hobby for us, some writing needs to be done. Hopefully you'll be able to stick by your words when it comes to that.
You have potential for improvement, and so we've decided to give you a shot at trying to do so. You've passed. Congratulations!
You'll be receiving an introductory package in a while. There, I'll explain how to go about the DocX tranfers, ok?11/13/2013 #1,327
Wow...I passed ,I didn't think I would on my first try. Thanks for the opportunity, I will try my hardest!11/13/2013 #1,328
Well, alright, I've heard a lot about this group. Anyways, my name is Full Power, but you can call me FP; I honestly don't care. XD I've been on the site for about a year and a half, and I currently write two fanfics - Second Chance, which tells the story of Bardock being sent to the day Raditz and Goku are fighting, changing the entire DBZ universe. My other fic, Trials and Tribulations, is two chapters in, but this tells the story of Raditz becoming amnesiac during that same Goku vs Raditz fight.
Writing: This is an excerpt from chapter one of Trials and Tribulations; the subject is Raditz's feelings on Goku.
Raditz looked at his brother intensely, spitting at the disgusting sight. The younger's chest was exposed, the bright orange gi torn in several places. Raditz's brother, Kakarot, had arrived at the wasteland determined to rescue his young son, Gohan. Along the way, Kakarot had teamed up with a Namekian, the same Namek that Raditz had encountered when he landed on this planet.
But why hate his brother? How could one hate a sibling, bred from the same kind of cloth as he? It was a simple reason, one that was very easy to understand. Kakarot had wasted Raditz's time, and worse, he had betrayed him. Kakarot had turned his back on the only family that he had left, and for that, he would die.
All Raditz had done was almost beg for people to find Saiyan survivors, to find someone who he could truly connect with and fight alongside. It had taken some time, but someone had finally found the location of a Saiyan; pleased, Raditz decided that he would come to this pathetic mudball in the, as his Saiyan comrades had referred to it as, "space boonies" looking for his brother, who went by the name of Kakarot.
Sent to Earth as a baby and tasked with the objective of eliminating a race where the strongest known power level was in the low 300s, the Saiyan known as Kakarot would have had to be alive; after all, he was part of the strongest warrior race in the galaxy. As soon as Raditz had learned about Kakarot being on Earth, the long-haired fighter experienced a small amount of joy for the first time in a long time. Not only would he have another Saiyan to fight alongside him, but it was his brother. For a Saiyan, there were few better feelings in the world than to fight alongside your siblings in the heat of battle.
When Raditz stared his brother in the face for the first time on some island in the middle of nowhere, he took note of the fact that he resembled Bardock in all but name and clothing, which pleased him even more. After all, Bardock was always known as one of the strongest low-class Saiyans, so there was justified reason for the alien fighter to be optimistic. Of course, Raditz would soon learn that fate had decided to truly smack him in the face.
Sure, Kakarot was still alive, but he wasn't Kakarot, not the Kakarot that Raditz had envisioned, at least. What Raditz was imagining was a tall, proud warrior who was as fight-loving, audacious, and powerful – if not more powerful – as himself. Instead, Kakarot was peace-loving, nice, and worst of all…he no longer went by the name of Kakarot.
His name was "Goku" and not only had he not completed his objective and purged Earth, but he fancied himself an Earthling, not a Saiyan. It was almost as if Kakarot was an alter ego that this Goku had thrown to the side proudly, embracing his adopted heritage instead of his true race.
Why You Believe You Should Be a Part of the Group: I feel like I could be of assistance to writers who might need recommendations for fic ideas. I'm a firm believer in having fics be of good quality, I'm good with grammar and spelling; also, I'm a nice person. :) I could beta if need be - I beta'd Ripple Effect by Treeger over the summer, but to beta, I have a specific way of getting it done; instead of DocX, I prefer if it's shared through Google Docs.
Bonus (optional): Hmm, a good character trait of mine is that I'm honest. As a junior in HS and having an internship at a newspaper (I was just published for the first time!), I don't update as much as I used to. But, it's about quality over quantity, and I feel like my writing has improved tremendously.
I look forward to hearing if I got into TDS!
Edited for putting in to instead of into. XD11/28/2013 . Edited 11/28/2013 #1,329
Hey, FP (I like it :D)! I'm Boboleta.
We've gone through your application and consensus was as following:
Your grammar was good, and we agree that it's one of your strong points. We found your excerpt a bit lacking in terms of how you characterized Raditz, but it was mostly a matter of personal opinion, I reckon. That being said, we applaud your originality and we do agree that you might be good at plotting and coming up with new ideas. The betaing experience is also a plus, of course. The biggest concern was your ability to contribute consistently, but hopefully you'll be able to abide by your responsibilities within the group.
All and all, despite it being a short excerpt you've shown us, it was very well written and a good read. You've PASSED. Congratulations!!
I'll PM you shortly with your orientation package.11/29/2013 #1,330
Thank you! XD I look forward to hearing from you through PM and receiving my "orientation package"; does it come with cookies? :P11/29/2013 #1,331
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, the mighty Lord Popo will indeed distribute "cookies" to all boys and girls.
Pay no attention to the inconspicuous quotation marks surrounding the sweet, sweet delicacies. They're completely and totally harmless.11/29/2013 #1,332
Hey I'm VegetaFanGirl1, TDS looks really interesting.
Writing: (Here's a bit from my new story Deep Within...)
There was nothing he could do. He couldn't save them, he had to watch them die. There was no choice, at least none that he could see. He was frozen on the spot, arms and legs binded. He couldn't even go Super Saiyan. He was injured, bleeding all over. He heard their screams of pain; he heard them shout for help. Yet he couldn't go to them. It seemed as if all hope and joy had been drawn out from the world, and there was nothing he could do. He felt no pain, the sight that he saw before him took his feelings away from himself. He couldn't speak, he could only cry. He was at the mercy of a greater evil that no one may be able to defeat.
"Do you see now..." came a deep voice from within, "what happens to those who oppose us. This will all be over if you give in..." He heard this as clearly as he heard the innocent screams below. He could hear the voice but he was not thinking these thoughts. They were trying to take over him, drive him onto the brink of madness. He fought against it; now there was an agonising pain surging through his body like a fire spreading over the surface. He yelled and yelled, determined not to let the darkness take him over, trying not to lose himself in this nightmare. The screams from the people intensified and then... silence...
Why I should be a part of the group... Well I suppose I can post lots of stories and updates for them. I write a lot of DBZ stories and enjoy doing so.
I have 5 stories on my account and I am still thinking of new ones...
Bonus: I'm on Fan Fic everyday and will enjoy chatting to anyone who talks to me. I'm a friendly person.12/7/2013 #1,333
VegetaFanGirl1, I'm glad to inform you that you have successfully passed. The general consensus was that while your writing was good, we found entire application (not just the excerpt) to be lacking in length. There were also a few points where we reckon you could have used punctuation better, but we found that your reasons were decent enough. I'll PM you the orientation package in a couple of minutes, congratulations on passing!12/7/2013 #1,334
Yay! Thank you so much12/8/2013 #1,335
Hello! :) I'm Neth Rana, which means "Young Wanderer" in elvish. (In addition to being a DBZ nut, I'm also obsessed with LotR. :D) You can call me Neth for short. I would like to apply! So let's see...why should I be a part of this group? I absolutely love writing, and intend on writing a book one day. :) I've been told I write a really good Vegeta and stay true to all the characters in DBZ. I have been obsessed with DBZ since I was like 7, so I've had a long time to get to know the characters. I think I would be a good plus to this group, because I know the characters really well! I also edit my work and make sure to catch typos and the like. I still miss some here and there, but I try to get rid of as many as possible. I've literally been writing my whole life, before I could even physically write (I made Mom write them for me) and I just love it so much! :D So that's me. Here's a bit of my writing, I hope you like it! Thanks so much!
"So how did you teach him the technique then?" he asked, referring to the fusion technique. "If he was really that upset, I can't imagine the woman letting him, or the boy wanting to for that matter." Taking his hand off Vegeta's shoulder, Goku looked away, an embarrassed look on his face.
"I, uh…well…," he hesitated. "I…I was a bit harsh on him, honestly." Vegeta raised an eyebrow. He couldn't imagine Kakarot being any harsher on Trunks than he himself had been. "I yelled at him and Goten and told them to stop crying at once. I told them we didn't have time for them to be emotional and…and that that was enough and that they had to be serious and to stop crying immediately." He finished quickly. Goku took a deep breath and held it, waiting for Vegeta to yell at him. He expected him to call him a low class idiot or a circus clown who had no idea how to parent, and how dare he try to interfere and speak to his son that way? But instead, Vegeta crossed his arms and let a smile slide across his face.
"And tell me, Kakarot," he said in a low voice. "Did my son stop crying?" Goku raised his eyebrows, and nodded slowly, stunned.
"Uh, yeah he did, actually. It was really impressive, he just completely stopped! He took a deep breath and looked up at me with this really intense look in his eyes. His eyes were still full of pain, but he stared at me with such a determined ferocity, it was scary!" Vegeta raised an eyebrow.
"Scary?" he questioned.
"Well yeah! I mean, not because his willpower scared me or anything, but because…well honestly Vegeta, because he looked just like you!" he admitted.
Vegeta fought hard at the tears that were forming in his eyes. He had spent his entire existence trying to convince himself why he had to be alone. He had fought thousands of battles, both physical and emotional. He had worked so hard to make sure that he never had to deal with attachments like the ones that had scarred him so early on in his life. He had cursed the stars the day he found about Trunks, and only stuck around after Cell because he thought it would somehow hurt his son less. He had kept his distance, letting Bulma do the parenting, while he trained his son and told himself that was the only relationship he ever wished to have with the boy. He convinced himself that he wasn't attached to them, even let a freaking wizard take over his body to prove it! But he had failed. He hadn't fooled anyone, including himself. He loved his son and he couldn't hide it. A smirk pulled at his mouth as he noted that failing had never felt so good.
"Well of course he did," Vegeta sneered. "He is my son."12/17/2013 #1,336
Hi Neth Rana, nice to meet you. It's my duty to inform you that you have passed, congratulations! The general consensus for your applications was that while the writing excerpt was a little short and flowed awkwardly at certain points, it was efficient and descriptive. You were right in that you managed to stick to the characters well, something that a few of the graders made note of. In some places the dialogue seemed like it was a bit overkill, but your grammar and whatnot was solid. You also seemed to have a really nice personality which is always a plus :P A few tiny things could potentially be improved upon during your time with us but we believe that you'll make a great addition to the team.
Once again, congratulations - you received a fairly solid pass. Keep an eye on your PM inbox, I'll be sending over the orientation package shortly.12/18/2013 #1,337
Hey there, I'm FinalFlashX, but almost everyone I know on the site calls me Flash. Ever since I started writing on the site about a year and a half ago I've always known about Team Dragon Star, and I always thought it was extremely cool to see a group of writers getting together to write stories together. It was actually something I was always intrigued about, but I never seemed to have the time to actually sort of check out this group for myself until recently. I've heard that you guys are honest and are great for helping writers improve their skills while also offering constructive criticism, which I think is absolutely essential for a writer that is always looking to improve themselves but is sadly something you don't get often enough from the typical reviewer/reader on this site. I'm looking forward to being able to improve myself by working with other writers that are enthusiastic about honing their skills like I am.
Writing: This is a scene from Chapter 3 of one of my ongoing story, Zarbon's Rebellion. I hope you enjoy it!
In the hours that I've spent traversing this planet so far, I have decided this had to be the most dreary and verbose geography in the entire universe. It was as if the same mountains and ravines were somehow uprooting themselves and somehow reappearing before me. The terrain wasn't much of a sight to behold the first time and by the 22nd time of seeing the same bloody rock cropping, my temper got the better of me.
After the dust from the explosion had begun to settle down, a string of curses spilled from my lips. Not only was I now covered in soot from my temporary lack of discipline but the futility of the hunt for the Saiyan Prince truly began to sink in. Without a scouter, there was no way to track the man and the probability of just finding him by flying overhead was between the range of zero and nil.
There was nothing else to do though. No matter how hopeless this pursuit was, it was certainly a much better chance of survival than going back to the unbalanced Arcosian prince empty handed. That would be worse than a death sentence, and there was no way I was going to give up my precious life that easily. It was one of the main reasons why I possessed such a high rank in the organization, my unique ability to adapt and overcome all obstacles in my way. This was just another hurdle to overcome, and it would take more than a rogue Saiyan to cause my downfall.
An eternity seemed to pass me by as I continued to scan the banal meadows below with my eyes. What a bittersweet victory over the arrogant fool? After all of the times he had been allowed to get away with his smart-aleck attitude with me because he was one of Frieza's "pets", I had finally gotten the chance to put the bastard in his place. Now though, it was looking like the bastard was going to have the last laugh, for with every passing second I could feel a cool, icy beam of purple seemingly growing closer to piercing my heart.
Shaking my head, I looked upward towards the horizon and was stunned when my eyes were met with the sight of a looming tower of rock. Unlike the other pillars that seemed to dominate this planet's surface, this one rose high above its brethren and rested in sole possession of the skyline. The other thing that made this one stand out was the fact that atop its rocky peak was a lone cream colored Namekian home.
A noxious feeling of déjà vu coursed through my veins and a knot seemed to form in my chest. This was the second image from my dream the previous night that had come to pass. What did this all mean? Creatures with the gift of foresight were not completely unheard of in the galaxy but never in my wildest dreams did the thought occur to me that I could potentially have the ability myself. Or was this simply a strange coincidence?
No explanation was to be, as I seemed to gravitate towards the lone building. Before I even realized it, my feet had touched down before the entrance to the large-by Namekian standards-residence. I felt like a puppet as my limbs seemed to be pulled along by strings, forcing me to enter through the dark opening that led to the interior of the alien hut.
Inside of the hovel, everything seemed to be shrouded underneath a dark blanket that obscured everything from my sight. Not that were was anything except blue tiles that covered the barren room's floor. These uncouth creatures undoubtedly needed a lesson in civility; though I guess they had no reason to expect company due to their complete lack of social graces. The Namekian's hadn't been the most gracious hosts so far during our brief time on this planet.
Still though, what was the purpose of living in such a Spartan manner? Was it because they liked the resources that they lived in such a primitive fashion or was it a personal preference of theirs to "live" in such a way? These simpletons must not have realized yet that a man's possessions are what shall define him. They were a symbol of status; the more possessions a person has and how lavish they are, shows how important their owner is. Clearly, the residents of this home were even lower on the social hierarchy than a sanitation worker.
After giving my eyes some time to adjust to the sudden absence of light in the building, I noticed that there were strange cracks in the ceiling overhead. It didn't take me long to realize that it must the portion of the tile was retractable and granted access to the upper level of the house. Of course now came the challenging part, actually getting up to the second floor.
Seconds turned into minutes as my attempts to open the latch failed. I exhausted every method that came to me and my temper began to rise as the stubborn access panel continued to reject my efforts to open it. To prod at the issue, I had been severely underwhelmed so far by this place that had attracted me in such a severe manner moments ago and no rudimentary portal was going to keep my curiosity in check. It was unfortunate, but it seemed like more…barbaric…methods were going to be needed.
Once the tremors had ceased, I nonchalantly floated through the newly created window to the upper level of the complex. Sad to say, but the décor of the building did not improve as my feet softly landed on the same bland navy tile that had covered the previous area. Though this room did actually have an occupant, but he did little to improve the scenery.
Sitting before me in an extremely large throne was the one of the most abhorrent creatures I've ever had the misfortune to set eyes upon. The being was certainly one of the natives of this planet; he had the same sage colored, leathery skin that the other elderly inhabitants had possessed though this one possessed even more wrinkles than the others. No, what set this one apart from the others was its enormous size. The level of obesity this alien possessed made the pink oaf look like an anorexic! I couldn't even stand the sight of the thing without nearly vomiting!
"You must be one of the invaders that has been terrorizing my children," said the mammoth through his quadruple chin. "Tell me, why did you and your master come to our planet?"
"And I was led to believe your species survived merely on water for substance," I muttered under my breath before properly addressing the monstrosity before me, attempting to veil my disgust in the process. "I am the right-hand man of the exalted Lord Frieza on a vital mission to retrieve the legendary Dragon Balls that reside on your beautiful planet."
A snort somehow emitted from the lard filled jaw of the oversized slug before me. "There is no reason to be civil and pretend that you are here peacefully. I know that your master and his men have slaughtered my children by the dozens. It does not surprise me now that I know the identity of the culprit of these crimes against my people. Frieza's brutality is known to even those in the far edges of the universe and I know that none of my children would willingly give up our relics to such a fiend."
"It would have been better for them to give up their Dragon Balls quietly. They would have lived much longer. Milord may have even spared their lives in gratitude for helping him attain eternal life." Miracles did happen every now and then after all.
"I assumed as much," said the obese creature. "Of course that tyrant would ask for such a selfish request from the Dragon Balls. As I stated before, my children would never allow such a wish to be made. They would rather die."
"And they did." Honestly, what was the point in their futile resistance? What did it truly accomplish in the end? It hindered us from actually seizing the Dragon Ball at the most for a few minutes. Their deaths were completely and utterly pointless and for what? To die nobly and to uphold a few foolish morals. Those sentiments ended up getting you killed, as shown by those idiotic villagers.
"So I assume you're here for this then." Looking up after the green blob's words, I was pleasantly surprised to see a shining, orange orb with one red star on its smooth surface resting above the throne. "I'm afraid that I won't be simply handing it over though."
A chuckle escaped from my lips. "Now that you mention it, I do what that lovely ornament that's hanging over your head. Though, I doubt you can prevent me from taking it from you. Clearly you wouldn't be able to stop me by force if it came to that, so how do you plan to bar me from taking the ball?"
Laughing, I gingerly took to the air and quickly closed the distance between myself and my objective. What luck! Lord Frieza demanded a Dragon Ball for me to remain in his good graces and one happens fall right into my lap with only a mortally obese guardian protecting it. Of course, fate smiled on me yet again. Of course it had blessed me my entire life so why should today be any different. Clearly, destiny had some grand plan for me that only I could fulfill.
As my hands grasped hold of the mystical globe, a sudden pull on my leg caused my attention to be drawn away from my objective. Wrapped around my toned leg, was one of the slug's slimy, grotesque hands. A snarl of disgust emitted from my mouth as this hideous being violated my body with his touch.
"What do you think you're…" My exclamation of horror and rage never finished as a sudden surge of electricity seemed to course through my body and a white blaze erupted around me. Simultaneously, it seemed as if all of the memories of my life were played before me in extreme fast forward. From the earliest childhood image to my enlistment into the Planet Trade Organization all the way to my arrival at the home of this shaman, all of these pictures of my life flashed before my eyes at once and yet separately at the same time. It only took me a split second for me to realize that my mind was being probed but by the time of my realization the invasion into my head was over.
Kicking through the air, I landed several yards away from the assailant, firmly clutching the Dragon Ball in my arms. Panting slightly from the experience of having my memories examined against my will, I let the orange globe drop from my arms and roll away before leaping to my feet. Raising my hand to point at the varmint before me, a purple orb of energy formed in my hand in preparation of the offender's execution.
"What did you do to me!?" It was a pointless question; of course I knew what the dead man had done to my mind. It had examined my mind and the penalty for the egregious crime against me would be the ultimate one.
"Calm yourself Zarbon," it said. "I did nothing but merely examine your memories to know what had occurred so far on my planet. It seems that all of my children have been found and mercilessly slaughtered, though I am glad that at least one of the Dragon Balls has escaped your master's greedy hands."
"Liar! You looked through all of my memories, not just the ones dealing with my time here on Namek. What 'purpose' did you have in invading those memories? Do you have no sense of decency or respect for a person's privacy?"
"Coming from the man that simply barged into my home and stole my most precious item," scoffed the green loafer. "To answer your question though, I wanted to know what sort of people would commit such heinous crimes against innocent people for their own personal gain."
"Will I hope you were satisfied with what you found," I said seething. "For it's the last thing you will have done in your pathetic live."
"I was stunned though by what was shown to me," it remarked. "You have lived a hard life Zarbon and I feel pity for you."
"I don't want your pity! I've done what was required of me during my time working for Lord Frieza to survive and move up in the world. I don't regret any of my actions, so your pity is unappreciated."
"Yes, but I meant more about your childhood. Your father…"
"Is none of your concern!" I shouted, the ball of energy growing in size at the mere mention of that monster. "He's long since been dead, and it warms my heart to know that not even his bones remain to defile the universe with their presence."
"Still though, I do not understand why you serve such a decrypt individual as this Frieza character? Why do you serve a man that destroyed your home and has forced you to commit such unspeakable acts of violence?"
The sphere of energy in my hand died out as silence filled the space between me and the corpulent being before me. Finally, my eloquent voice filled the barren room with its sweet reverberations.
"Because he has power, the kind that makes entire civilizations tremble at the mere sound of his name. The influence to force anyone in the entire universe to bend to his will. No one defies Lord Frieza and lives long enough to tell the tale. It is that power I serve, that I crave… To have a fraction of that kind of authority is what I strived for during my days as a mere peon in organization and now I've claimed it for myself. Though, you must know all of this already. You've looked into the recesses of my mind."
"Yes but still, clearly you are a talented individual. Why do you waste your gifts on benefiting a man that doesn't see your true potential as an equal to him instead of another subordinate? For example, you've massacred my children in the quest to secure Frieza's immortality. Why not use the wishes on yourself in order to claim your rightful place atop the Planet Trade Organization's hierarchy? You are the one that found out about the Dragon Balls in the first place, you are the one that has located them and retrieved them, and you are the one that eliminated the biggest threat that existed to someone else receiving the wishes. Reward your hard work with the bounty you deserve, the ability to rule the universe."
"I value my life. Military insurrection is one of the three things milord simply does not tolerate. Stealing the wishes for myself would surely be a death sentence if I were caught in the act."
Even though the words echoing from my mouth seemed to indicate a refusal to even consider the option of claiming the wishes for myself, the shaman's words weighed heavily on my mind. Everything the disgusting alien said did make a lot of sense. Why was I helping Frieza obtain something that would eventually make me obsolete when I was the one that had done all of the work to find and retrieve these artifacts? It would only be fair to not let my hard work go to waste on a pampered and spoiled prince that was useless to his empire. The Organization would be better off under my control than it was in the Arcosian's incompetent hands. I practically ran the operation myself anyways and the only thing Frieza brought to it was the ability to destroy perfectly sellable planets for petty and immature reasons. Besides, his sanity seemed to be slipping from his grasp…Yes, I would be a much better emperor of the universe now than he was. It would be for the best if I was in command.
"The only way you can gain great power is with some risk Zarbon," lectured the avoirdupois and wrinkled Namek. "Besides, how much of a risk would it really be? You're superior intelligence and cunning should allow you to secure the Dragon Balls for yourself no problem, and with the wishes you should be able to dispose of Frieza easily enough. Then you can take your rightful place as the ruler of all galaxies Zarbon, where you will be worshipped like a god because of your unrivaled beauty, intellect, and power. It is your destiny and Frieza has been denying it to you because he is jealous of you. Take what is meant to be yours."
The oversized slug spoke the truth; I did deserve to rule instead of Frieza. The little imp's time had run its course. It was time for a ruler that possessed the delicate balance of grace and ruthless to reign and the person that destiny had chosen was to be me. Looking back on it now, it was so painfully obvious that Fate had chosen me to be the greatest leader of men the universe had ever seen!
Then of course there were also the practical reasons for me to make a run at the Dragon Balls. For a while now, a sneaking suspicion had been rattling around in my brain about my safety blanket from death as Frieza's right hand man. As the Arcosian's mental state continued to worsen, the more it felt like he was beginning to view me as just another disposable lackey instead of the vitally important commander I was. This gamble for ultimate power could in fact be my only viable option for long-term survival.
I had always survived. For nearly 40 years, Frieza's every whim was carried out by me and me alone, until I was untouchable. A fine veil of safety seemed to protect me, but now it seems that even as his right-hand-man my very life is forfeit. Years of unquestionable loyalty have been knocked aside. So now, in order to survive... I must eliminate Frieza and become ruler of the universe... myself.
"You seem to be a very wise being," I said in an extremely courteous manner. "Your words seem to be dipped in undeniable truth. It's unfortunate though that I'll have to end your life right here and now though. I can't let your offense to my body go unpunished after all and if I do end up revolting against Frieza then I can't have you alive to potentially tell anyone now can I?"
"Go ahead Zarbon." My eyebrows arched and I tilted my head slightly to the side in surprise from the words that echoed through the room. "Now that all of my children have perished, I wish to be reunited with them in the Otherworld."
My brilliant white teeth illuminated the room as a devious smile formed across my face. "So, you wish for death? Well then, I believe I've found a more appropriate punishment for your transgression. Farewell sir. I'll make sure that no one arrives here to disturb your grieve."
With a dashing smirk, I retrieved the discarded Dragon Ball and then took my leave of the hideous creature. Exiting the house seemed to relieve a weight off of my shoulders. I was no longer conflicting with what the future held for me. My path was clear now and nothing would deny me my destiny. There was still one thing that needed to be done though before I could grab hold of it though…
Why You Believe You Should Be a Part of the Group: The main reason why I believe I should be a part of Team Dragon Star is because I believe that I can bring a lot to the table in helping this group produce good, quality chapters. My major strengths in writing lie in my ability to characterize the vast majority of the DBZ cast extremely well, and one of my key things in all of my writings is that I allow the characters in the story dictate the plot, not have the plot dictate who the characters are. Another strength that I believe I can bring to this group is my originality when it comes to Plot Design and coming up with unique ideas for Stories that are completely original and delve into previously unexplored areas of the fandoms. The majority of my stories could be classified as ones that are outside the typical realms of what most writers in the fandom do, so I like to think that my writings help expand people's thought horizons about certain characters and help bring minor characters that didn't really get much exposure in the Canon Universe or among other writers there chance to shine. For my last main strength as a writer that I think could benefit Team Dragon Star, I am a very diverse writer. As you can see above, for some stories I write in the 1st Person, but for the majority of my stories and writings I am mainly use a 3rd person narrator. Also, throughout my writings, I have always challenged myself by always going out and writing about new characters, ones that I wasn't writing about in other stories because I loved the challenge of diversifying my arsenal of characters that I could write, so I believe I am also diverse in the times of genres, settings, or character types I can write. As for a weakness, I've always been very forthcoming in admitting that my grammar is most certainly the weakest portion of my writing, but because of this, I always have tried to surround myself with fellow authors that are strong where I am weak so that I can help improve upon my weakest skills. I hope to be able to do the same with all of you!
Bonus: Well, some good character traits about me is that I am easy to get along with and I work well with others. I belong to another forum here in the DBZ fandom and amongst our members there I am constantly asked to help bounce ideas off of our other members in order to help flesh out the plots for their own stories I love the feeling of being able to help a friend craft a story of their own. That's one of the main reason why I wish to join here, because then I will have more opportunities to meet new people and assist them in their writing while they help me in mine. As for qualities I strive for, I definitely always stress to have quality chapters over quick updates that are poorly written ones that are clearly rushed. I am a very descriptive writer, with the majority of my chapters at least being over 7,000 words in length and for my main story it is more like 8 to 9,000 words a chapter. I love to really craft a mental image for the reader, and attempt to make reading one of my stories as close to watching the actual anime as possible.
Well, guess that's all I've got to say for now. Thanks for your time in reading my admission, and I hope to hear back from you all soon. I look forward to getting to know you all better in the future!12/23/2013 . Edited 12/23/2013 #1,338
Hey, Final Flash. I'm Bobo.
We are currently going through your application, but it'll probably take a little more time than usual given the holidays, ok? A few days should be enough.
Thank you for your patience. And Merry Christmas!! :D12/24/2013 #1,339
Thanks, and no, that's completely understandable. I was actually expecting it too take awhile because of Christmas and all, but thanks for the update on it. It's greatly appreciated. Have a Merry Christmas you guys.12/24/2013 #1,340
We've gone through your application, and consensus was as follows: Overall, we liked your excerpt. We do agree that your grammar needs some work, so it's good that you recognize it as a weakness. One thing we'd like to point out is the fact that you tended to summarize actions instead of writing them out. This can and should be done on occasion, but you should be extra careful with it when you write in First Person POV. There's a closer proximity associated with this POV that can make skipping steps on the narrative awkward and misplaced. It's something to improve on. :)
We liked your sense of originality and diversity, and we think you'll be a cool addition to the team. You PASS! Congratulations! You'll be receiving an introductory PM shortly.12/27/2013 . Edited 12/27/2013 #1,341
Thanks for the admission! I am curious though, I read somewhere on this topic that since you guys had done away with the detailed grading on this actual topic, if I wanted to get the more in-depth grading of my submission I should just ask, so I would appreciate it if that could somehow be sent to me. As I said earlier, I love receiving feedback on my work and the most detailed analysis possible would be extremely beneficial even if that writing is over 8 months old XD.12/27/2013 #1,342
I believe it's been sent over to you. If you'd like to discuss anything further, feel free to PM any of the people who graded you. That said, congratulations on making the team!12/28/2013 #1,343
Yes, Shadow sent it over to me last night. Thanks for that and thanks for having me!12/28/2013 #1,344
Well, here goes nothing...and everything
Name: SilverFang555(call me Mo; a lot easier to remember)
Writing: This is from my ongoing story The Bonds of Swords. This is from Chapter 3 were Hao(Zeke from Shaman King) gets into a skirmish with AkaRed a sentient being from Super Sentai.
"It's not polite to spy on people," a voice echoed that only Hao could hear.
"It's also very rude to enter another's world," Hao said turning around to the voice that spoke to him.
The man that appeared before Hao was completely red. The suit had a high collar surrounding his neck, with a large V across his chest. His visor had a "V" symbol. His belt buckle had the Roman numerals XXX on his buckle has been given a golden V across the center most X, with two silver I's in between the golden V.
"So, who are you?" Hao asked with a raised eyebrow.
"The one who inherits the red souls! AkaRed!" the mysterious man said.
"Okay AkaRed, is there a specific reason for your trespassing?" Hao inquired.
"Something has appeared in my universe that needs to be stopped," AkaRed stated with concern.
"And I should help you because...?" Hao asked not really seeming to care.
"If it is not expunged back to its original world, your universe will be in danger of being destroyed as well as mine," AkaRed replied folding his arms.
"Well, that would get in the way way of what I have planned in the next six years..." Hao contemplated loudly.
"So you will lend me your powers to help?" AkaRed asked noticing Hao's shift.
"Before I offer my assistance..." Hao said glaring at AkaRed, "...I need to test your abilities."
Just then a beam was shot at AkaRed, who proceeded to swiftly dodge. He then noticed Hao wasn't in the spot from when he fired the beam. Hao was over him about to drop his leg on AkaRed, but he backflipped out of the way.
"I just need to gauge your strength since you are powerful enough to traverse through universes, so no hard feelings...right?" Hao explained with a friendly grin on his face.
"No, I completely understand, but let me just say, I'm pretty tough," AkaRed chuckled.
So as the two continued to fight, it seemed both of them were evenly matched. For every attack that Hao using, AkaRed would always seem to parry it. Then Hao used his cloak to tie up AkaRed's left arm and swung him towards him. He tried to punch him, but AkaRed held Hao's hand with his right hand. Then Hao saw a vision of a red warrior's helmet that bore the number 1 on eagle wings and the blue visor looked like an infinity symbol. He released AkaRed from his cloak, wondering who was that he just saw.
"There is a strange power embedded within his suit," Hao thought.
"What's the matter? Are you done?" AkaRed probed.
"No, I'm just testing something," Hao called back before forming a fireball to throw.
At that moment, a fireball was thrown at AkaRed. Although Hao was at a fair distance, he could hear AkaRed call out something along the lines of "Soul...". He then sighed thinking the fight was over. He was soon surprised when he saw a blade very close to his neck. He turned to see that AkaRed's suit was changed to look like he was apart of a special ops team and the helmet he wore looked like a cheetah.
"Heh, so I take it this a new look?" Hao chuckled softly.
"This is one of my many forms," AkaRed said gripping the blade.
"So that's what the power was emanating from your suit..." Hao stated.
"Yes, I am the embodiment of all of the red warriors who have fought under the banner of 'Sentai'!" AkaRed responded.
"So, which red warrior are you now? Because it doesn't seem in your regular form you would be able to escape that fireball..." Hao chuckled as he pushed away the the blade and moved a distance from AkaRed.
"I just needed a quick getaway from the fireball. Luckily, this a very fast warrior. This is Red Buster, the red warrior of the Tokumei Sentai Go-Busters. His special power enables him to make his legs move at an unbelievable velocity, making him look as if he were teleporting," AkaRed said flipping the blade.
"A warrior with super speed...I'm now more intrigued about these warriors and your world!" Hao ecstatically shouted elbowing the hero and materializing claws on his right hand, before standing at a distance from AkaRed, "Now! Show me what can really do!"
"I guess I have no choice...Soul Summoning: GaoRed!" AkaRed yelled, his suit now changing into a more streamline red spandex with a golden sash coming down from the neck area to under his right arm. The belt also looked different, depicting several animals merged together. The helmet he was now wearing looked like a lion and there was a lion badge on upper left chest area. He pounded the ground with the nails that were on his gloves and did a pose, "Shakunetsu no Shishi(Blazing Lion)! GaoRed!"
"Let's have some fun!" Hao smirked before charging again.
"Juoken(Beast King Sword)!" AkaRed said as he pulled out a dagger from the side of his belt and blocked Hao's claws.
Hao then flipped over him to release the claws from his hand. AkaRed managed to repel all but one of them which merely grazed him, but sparks did emit from his suit as it hit him. Wanting to end the fight, AkaRed rushed Hao and pointed the dagger at Hao's neck. Confident as always, Hao gestured AkaRed to look down and AkaRed noticed there was a fireball directed at his ribcage.
"So, I take it you still want to fight?" AkaRed asked, reverting back to his original form.
"No...if my world is in danger, I might as well listen to what you have to say," Hao sighed extinguishing the fireball.
"From what I have been able to gather two inhabitants have left their own world and appeared in both of our worlds. From the energy I felt before I got here, the one in my world is a very vicious and malevolent spirit."
"But shouldn't there have been at least an emissary from that world to get them?"
"I have been to that world after the first inhabitant left. It seems as though its story take place around the beginning of the Meiji era."
"Different worlds, different times, and different stories; after I mastered the onmyudo powers, I thought that things as multiple universes were just possibilities. After merging with the Great Spirit, I have learned it is indeed a reality."
"The other from that world should be entering here soon, which is why I wanted to make sure that I intercepted you and let you know exactly what's happening."
"Is there some kind of intel I should know about the arrival?"
"As a matter of fact, yes. In his world, he is key for sending Japan into the Meiji Restoration by becoming the 'Hitokiri Battousai'; a manslayer. After the beginning of the era, he took a vow to never kill again and began using a reverse blade; unable to kill, but can still do massive damage. Also, he is a master of a very rare and distinct type of kenjutsu that only a few have used there. Unfortunately due to him using the succession technique many times, he has lost the ability to use his kenjutsu."
"Well if he needs to head to your world in order to get back home, what good will it do him if he cannot fight? If I can guess by your powers, your world isn't exactly the most peaceful..."
"Well, since he's about to pass through the universal rift, it will be able to allow him to reuse the Hiten Mitsurugi-Ryu, the sword style he learned in his world."
"So, what exactly needs to be done?"
"When you arrive in my world, you will need to meet the 'six elemental samurai'. After that, the 'elemental orbs' need to be gathered and infused with 'five spirits'. Only then will both inhabitants will be sent back home."
"Well, I can't let anything happen here, so I guess I may have to send my twin brother..."
"Are you sure about sending your own brother into a dangerous mission like this?"
"It's not a problem besides, he's been slacking off lately."
"Hehe...I see, so when the second person finally arrives here and you let him know, I will escort them to my world..."
Reasons for wanting to be apart of TDS: Well, I think that everyone has a story they want to tell. Whether it's because the fandom they are apart of (the creator's not exactly doing it well), or because they have their own 'What If' scenario. In regards to me, for every new idea or story, it adds to the already expanding Multiverse, where canon and fanon collide and where the impossible becomes possible. I'm not the strongest when it comes to my writing, but being apart of a group like this would help me get a lot better.12/31/2013 #1,345
Hey Mo, thank you for your time in applying to Team Dragon Star. This time however we have looked over your application and have graded it as a Fail. We recommend that you have another crack at joining next month and these will be the things we are looking for next time round:
Detail: Your fight scene was lacking, there was no real indication of the power they were using other than their own comparisons to one another which gave us very little. There was just too much 'telling' and not enough 'showing.' Small descriptions could add a great deal of life to your piece ie: 'His hair waved back and forth in the breeze as his eyes gauged his opponent's strength'
POV: We feel like you were going for a third person omniscient point of view but continued to flicker and change it that it became difficult to understand who was talking at what point.
We do hope that you take these notes and if you wish to ask for further details from us about how we believe you can improve for next time please don't hesitate to send us a PM.
Yeah sure, I understand.
I'm not the best when it comes to writing action scenes and with the POV the bold was because the person had a more booming voice.
I'm still going through the process of editing and re-editing the story and I will gladly take any further details on how to improve.
|T. Alana M
Hello! My pen name name is Alana, and I'm 16.
Writing: This is an excerpt of my story 'Phobia'. DBZ fic. (The tenses are inconsistent, but that was on purpose. The last lines of every Vegeta part are deliberately in present tense.)
Unknown, 737 AD
Clinophobia is the fear of sleeping.
The line between fantasy and reality is taut, yet fragile. Fantasy is merely an image produced by wild imagination, sometimes painting our heart's desire, sometimes a mere daydream, and other times it is an escape. It is, to summarize, a state where one sees what he wants to see and nothing else.
His hands ripped into the girl's torso, tearing through bone and muscle, and emerged out her back. He saw her eyes, full of pain and fear and hate, lock with his as she died. It was gruesome, cruel even, but it didn't matter. Not to him. She was just a toy. Toys were replaceable. Unimportant.
(Frieza had said that he was, too. But he wasn't a toy, he was a person. Father had said so. Where was father?)
He is five, and wonders why he sees dead faces at night.
Capsule Corporation, 737 AD
She wakes up screaming from a dream she can't remember.
Her parents rush in, cocoon her in a hug. It's warm and safe, but it doesn't feel right; there is a keen sense of loss in her being that says they aren't actually there.
(Father had said so. Where was father?)
He's right here, she thinks, her heart beating wildly. Isn't he?
She is four, and her parents wonder why she starts breaking her toys.
(Toys were replaceable. Unimportant.)
Unknown, 739 AD
Acarophobia is the fear of mites, insects, and worms.
Fantasy is, by definition, to see what one wants to see. It is often like a drug, numbing the harsh facts and providing an escape into a world that is our own to control. The notion of a faux reality that is centered on the object of our focus, where we are still free to control everything from pawns of the lowest rank to tyrants of the highest power, holds a nearly irresistible appeal to the dominating and selfish side of human nature.
But sometimes, drugs aren't strong enough, and the wake-up call hurts.
It was dark and small and it rank. If he were to spread his arms, he knew that his palms would press against the rocky surface of the pit. But his fingers didn't so much as twitch; frozen in place by the toxins now running through his veins.
Frieza had been upset. He hadn't followed orders, because he had not listened very well. He did not think he'd be punished. Punishment was for the toys, or the underling slaves. Not the Prince of All Saiyans.
(Father had said so. Father wasn't here, was he?)
He is seven, and the worms continue to eat his flesh.
Earth, 739 AD
She falls into the lake to avoid the worm being dangled in her face.
Her father pulls her out of the water, coughing and spluttering, and scolds her gently for doing something so dangerous. If she was scared of worms, she should have said so before they agreed to go fishing.
She says nothing as flashes of memories that aren't hers dance through her mind.
Later, a dragonfly lands on the car window and she buries her face in her mother's skirts.
She is six, and she can't help but think that she was never scared of worms or insects before.
(The worms continue to eat his flesh.)
Unknown, 744 AD
Asthenophobia is the fear of weakness.
The law of nature is 'eat or be eaten'. It is a jungle out there; only the strong survive, while the weak perish.
Vulnerability is something that very few people want to be associated with. One feels naked and exploitable when he is vulnerable. But every man has a weakness. It's just a matter of who can hide theirs the best.
He kept killing. He knew that if he didn't, he'd be seen as a weakling and killed himself.
Every time he murdered a worthy opponent, he reached into the opponent's mind as ze died. He was always assaulted with the images of loved ones, old regrets, a desperate last cry to someone they cared for.
Who are you calling to? he wanted to ask. Every one of those people are dead. I killed them. There is no one left. Who are you calling to?
(Father...anyone. Who was he calling for? Everyone was dead here too.)
He is twelve, and something inside is breaking, but no one cares.
Earth, 744 AD
There is a party; and it is populated and lively, but somehow she feels claustrophobic.
Too many people. It's annoying, they should not be here. It feels wrong. There aren't supposed to be this many people.
(Everyone was dead.)
She is eleven, and she wonders why there is a boy's sad voice in her head.
Another excerpt from my story The Good Son (Star Wars AU). (I added this because I hoped it was a better example of my writing than the previous one; it's more detailed and it shows an actual scene, rather than the short, fast-paced parts from the previous excerpt. But if you think it's actually a worse example, then, uh, my bad.)
Bail was thirsty.
That was all he could think, as frivolous as it was, because the only thing that they had done to him was refuse him any food or water. He had been imprisoned here since the destruction of Alderaan, which he'd witnessed through the Imperial spaceship that had stolen him from his planet, and after that they hadn't done a damn thing. Hadn't asked a single question, poked one inch of his flesh. He should have been grateful, but somehow he doubted this leniency was done out of kindness.
The door creaked open, he glanced up as a cloaked man entered the room. The man glanced behind him warily, determining that no one was there perhaps, then took quick strides towards the chair Bail was tied in.
For a fleeting moment, the Viceroy allowed himself to hope. The man was obviously not supposed to be here, then why was he here if not to rescue Bail?
But his hopes were dashed and his heart stopped when the man let his cloak drop to the ground, revealing the face of Anakin Skywalker.
It wasn't the skilled Jedi he had known, nor was it the hulking mass of the Sith he feared, but somehow it was more terrible than both. The younger man, though still handsome as he remembered, was now deformed from the volcano's fire. Scars crisscrossed on his head, covered by a riotous mass of shaggy blond hair, and trailed down to his face, shifting grotesquely when he spoke. His arms were clearly mechanical; droid-like and golden and, if Kenobi had not exaggerated the damage done on Mustafar, his legs were as well.
But the worst thing about the vile man were the eyes, now putrid yellow and dark with something twisted.
"Viceroy Organa," the monster wearing Anakin's face greeted. His cold voice, simmering with insanity, terrified the former prince far more than the vocoder ever had.
"Knight Skywalker," he replied, cursing the way his voice cracked with dehydration.
A flicker of annoyance appeared in the monster's eyes. "That name no longer holds any meaning to me."
"I know," Bail said, matter-of-fact. If he was Obi-Wan Kenobi, it would have been said regretfully, but Bail Organa had barely known the Jedi Knight, and had instead had many dealings with the Sith. "But I'd rather spend my last moments reminding you of who you were, however futile the effort may be."
After a pause, the Sith shrugged. "Very well. What does it matter to me what a dying man does?" He pulled out a syringe filled with clear liquid. Bail jerked away instantly, then steeled himself.
"Do your worst. I'll never tell you anything." he declared defiantly.
"Oh, I don't know about that." the monster disagreed. "My worst is rather terrible. But I assume you're just as annoyingly resilient under T&I as the princess, and I simply do not have the patience to deal with that again."
Bail's heart wrenched, knowing that this soulless creature had tortured his daughter. "You..."
"This is a fairly new concoction," the monster revealed with relish. "Our scientists call it sodium pentothal, or a...'truth serum', I suppose you could call it. It has been tested several times, and has succeeded. It does what its named to do, in addition to making you say whatever is on your mind at the moment. That will be useful if I forget to ask something, won't it?"
"No..." He couldn't betray the Alliance. He couldn't betray Leia.
"A pity we did not yet have it when your daughter was here." The needle slipped into his flesh neatly, like a snake slithering unnoticed into a populated marsh.
His head began to pound. He pictured Leia, strong and young and filled with excitement...
My father! You're not my real father!
I met my real daddy!
He closed his eyes as a tear trailed down his cheek. Leia...my beautiful daughter- -but you no longer see me as your father, do you?...You hate me now... because I tried to protect you from this creature...the man you so longed to meet...the man who has caused you so much suffering...
"Yours," the words were forced onto his tongue as the serum took effect, tasting vile and bitter in his mouth. The monster cocked an eyebrow with a half-interested 'hm?'. He was deriving altogether too much pleasure from this, Bail noted bitterly. "Yours. She's your daughter, you Hutt-slime bastard. Not mine."
Yellow irises flickered to blue, and the syringe clattered to the floor.
What I can do for Team Dragon Star:
Strengths: When I feel inspired, I can post a new chapter every day for nearly two weeks. I am mostly consistent in updating stories for which I have set a certain schedule (usually weekly updates). I usually have a plot early in the writing of a story, so I rarely hit dead ends in the plot. I've been told I write quite well, but that's for you to decide. I am aspiring to be a beta reader, but not until I am certain that my own unbetaed stories are good enough for me to try criticizing other people's works.
Weaknesses: Sometimes I hit writer's block and go on hiatus for a while. English isn't my first language, so I have some trouble with grammar; like past perfect and simple past, and get things mixed up sometimes.
(Please don't write me off for this, but I am religious and I would not participate in any stories that make fun of Christianity, because I find them highly offensive.)
I currently have 13 stories on my account, although the most popular are Sins of My Father and The Good Son.
Bonus: I'm in the journalistic department for the student council at my school, and I took writing as my extracurricular activity for a year. I won a summer scholarship at the University of Melbourne through an essay competition. Writing is a hobby of mine.
Why I want to be in TDS: I want to be able to interact with other writers well, and to contribute what ever I can.
please consider me!
1/11/2014 . Edited 1/12/2014 #1,348
I'm glad to inform you that you have passed. Congratulations! The general consensus was that the writing was great but there were a few tiny errors (odd punctuation mistake, formatting) as well as the tense problem, but those are things that we believe are easy enough to rectify. While we also understood what you were going for, we felt that you didn't fully grasp the words you were using which is something that might need a little polishing. We did however appreciate the fact that you did something different and interesting to read, so we found your excerpt to be quite refreshing.
I'm filling for Razmataz22 at the moment so I'll also send you the Orientation Package in just a second, keep an eye out for a new PM. Once again, congratulations!1/13/2014 . Edited 1/13/2014 #1,349
|T. Alana M
Yay! I can't believe I got in on my first try! Thank you!!! :D!1/13/2014 #1,350
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