Author has written 3 stories for Teen Titans.
SAVE SEASON SIX! SAVE SEASON SIX! SAVE SEASON SIX! To save Teen Titans, go to the web address shown at the bottom of this message. If we get 10,000 signatures we should be able to save Teen Titans! There are 16,000 fan fics here, and if each person just signs one, even the people who don't have stories, then you know that wehave saved Teen Titans. I've signed the petition, and it only took a moment of my time. Please, we all love Teen Titans...SO SAVE IT! So please remember this...this is our LAST chance to save it! If we don't get enough signatures, it will be gone and it WONT come back. Pass this around to ANYBODY you know and tell them to sign it! Please, do it for the wolves! click here: AND SAVE SEASON SIX! I will NOT let you ignore this link!
Hello, go onto this link to see what the titans are like in my stories:.The pics are so cute. Also, when you look at Sierra, it's not a photo, it's a painting. No, I'm not kidding, it's a painting! So's Robin's pic. And Raven in pantheria.
Hi, I'm creating a cat pack, so if you wanna join, here's the info you gotta send me:
Name: (Also penname from fanfiction.net)
Power: (NOT like shooting lasers out of your eyes, powers like spiritual powers. If you don't want a power, I will say you haven't found it yet.)
Picture: (If poss.)
Height: (Just pick a random height, or ask me to find out the average height for your type of cat)
Weight: (In kilos please, ask me and I'll put the average if you like)
Preferred place in pack: (Way to many p's. Anyway, there'll be a king & a queen, and those have been picked, so there's chief (secon in command) female/male, young subordinate, and elder. You need to be over 10 in cat years to be an elder, I'll give you the option if you're old enough)
Say this out loud please:
Some of the best videos I could find. Please copy & paste them into the browser, I couldn't get theworking linksup. Bold: link. Normal explanation.
Funny cat videos:
A cat watching the 1st video.
Teen titan videos:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fhp4cX-96nA I'm a bitch. My personal favourite. Don't let the title or beginning put you off, it is great.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTBzPnGmkW8 How does it feel? Raven tribute.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HHt_hrRlAjU Love will find a way. Lion king song, and still great. OK, that came out wierd. Just watch it already people!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lcUOifIfCDQ The right kind of wrong. Raven wants to be with Beast boy, but knows she can't.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_ca-GKTCKQ I'm not that girl. Raven wants to have a relationship, but knows she can't because of what she is.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_KOrKF2jsA Mood rings. All about Raven's crazy mood swings.
Hello, I've just got this to say, aside from all that stuff under this: I'm mad, stark raving bonkers, batty, bananas, crackers, mental, unstable, wacky, whacko, unhinged, psychotic, rabid, raving, screwy and just a teeny bit crazy. Sorry, had to say that.
All about me.
Gender: Female, I think
Age: 12 going on 13. who the hell cares about the age...I sure don't.
Hair: Brown with natural streaks, goes down to just past my shoulders. In Winter it is dark brown with light brown streaks, in Summer it is light brown with dark brown streaks.
Eyes: Stone grey, with flecks of brown, black, blue, white, silver, gold and green. I have a dark blue band around each iris.
Description: A brunette with a hot temper, I love making up stories and thinking to myself. I am generally a loner, but will accept company if offered. I am a slight pessemist with a sarcastic attitude (sounds like raven doesn't it), I'm always ready with a comment, and people laugh at what I say. At school I'm known as the freak who says fish a lot.
Location: Where do you think? DUH! At my computer.
Other Location: Someplace I like, how about in the Amazonian forest.
Real location: West Molesey, Surrey, England.
Family: My mum Bridget, my dad Martin and my 2 brothers, Toby and Patrick.
Pets: My budgie Sunny, my pure bred german shepherd dog Alto, my cat Kittie Mix who has many other names, my guinea pig Snowball and the goldfish echo, flip and zira.(please note, all these pets are family ones, I just like calling them my own)
Friends on Fanfiction: deadinside72 and... OMG, I've only got one friend. Waaa, why doesn't anyone like me? If you wanna make me happy, shut me up and/or be my friend, just ask._
Animal: I love 'em all, but if I had to chose it would probably be wolves, sabre toothed tigers and velociraptors (raptors are in all the Jurassic park movies, they're the ones that those guys said were smarter than humans. Sabres were the pre-historic cats with the large teeth. If you don't know what a wolf is me, wolfluvinfreak and gray wolf goddess and any others that love 'em will be offended. Also, you would have a seriously deprived childhood if you don't know what a wolf is.)
Authors on fanfiction: gray wolf goddess, Revenescence, cracker jack, Dr.evil99, Draco Blade, beautifulpurpleflame, Phillip the nickel, wolf-blades-wings, winter child, WandaCarla, and too many more to say. I read a lot and if I read your story you're on my faves list. I like all stories.
Cartoon: Hmmmmmmmmm... Maybe the TEEN TITANS, YOU IDIOT.
TV Show: Seconds from disaster, Air crash investigation, the Simpsons, Dad's Army, Top Gear (yeah I'm a girl that likes a car program, get over it), Father Ted and anything about tornados/hurricanes and animals.
Books: Wolf brother, spirit walker (sequel to wolf brother, I wanna read the trilogy, but I gotta wait till the last book cames out), all the Harry Potter books, Blood red horse and many more.
Movies: Balto 2, Wolf Quest, Lion King, Lion King 2, Simba's pride, lion king 3, Hakuna Matata (I think that's its name), Jurassic Park, 1, 2 & 3, The longest yard, Shrek 1&2, the league of extrodinary gentlemen, The lord of the rings 1, 2 & 3, King Kong (I mainly like the dinosaurs), The Chronicles of Narnia, Big Mommas house 2, Spirit stallion of the Cimmaron, Spirited away and too many more. I do really love Monty Python, I literally scream with laughter at that.
Actor/Actress: Viggo Mortesen and Orlando bloom, both because they were in the lord of the rings, and Johnny Depp and Keira Knightley because they were in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Food & Drink: Probably shredded duck or chicken and pineapple (they're both chinese dishes) I'm a carnivore so anything with meat will do. I luv Bucks Fizz, it's champaign for juniors. HeheheheHichehehehe.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Ookaaay, back away slowly.
You're a fish!
Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish!
Have a nice weekend (I do that every day to my teacher, even if it's Monday)
The cat looks shocked!
I'm a freak!
All news is bad news, so we give you the latest news.
A bunch of humans die, it's not rocket science.
Noooooo, where'd you get that notion from?
Incredible, isn't it (I use that on my friends when they say something totally obvious)
Come to the dark side, we have cookies.
You may say that I'm insane, I tell you the voices in my head disagree.
You say I'm insane, I agree.
Behind every great woman, there's a man staring at her ass.
Humans are like slinkys. Though they may not be useful, it will always put a smile on your face to see one tumble down the stairs.
Smile and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they'll all think you're on drugs.
Whoever said 'Nothing is impossible' never tried slamming a revolving door
There are three kinds of people in this world: The ones who can count, and the ones who can't
A good friend would get you out of jail, a true friend would be sitting next to you saying "we messed up, lets do it again!"
"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature."
"I lost a button hole."
"The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up, so I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a policeman pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, 'right here, officer'."
"When I was little, my grandfater used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice."
"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."
"I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries...but they weren't included...so I had to buy them again."
"I got a dog and named him Stay'. Now, I go Come here, Stay!' After a while the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all."
"In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, 'Cut it out'."
"I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body - only 2 inches taller."
"Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
"My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighbourhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them."
"I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time."
"I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is travelling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said, 'I don't know.' I said, 'I don't want your job.'"
"I like to skate on the other side of the ice."
"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."
"What's another word for 'Thesaurus'?"
"I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this . I go down to the pet store. 'Gimme another ten guppies I got a lotta calls yesterday.'"
"Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it..."
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
"My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them."
"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."
"I was watching the superbowl with my 92-year-old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better."
"I wrote a few children's books ... not on purpose."
"So, do you live around here often?"
"When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child ... .eventually."
"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."
"When I was 8, I played little league. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge."
"The sun got confused about daylight savings. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows."
"I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead; you couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by."
"When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"
"There is a thin line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot."
"Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick..."
"I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I lay down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes."
"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..."
"Power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."
"I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit."
"I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said 'Stephen, why haven't you called me?' I said, 'I can't call everyone I want... my (new) phone has no five on it.' He said, 'How long have you had it?' I said, 'I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it.'"
"For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running..."
"I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy..."
"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for his ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"
"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
"I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly...and says 'Here, you can go.'"
"I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving."
"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
"I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast."
"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
"I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping."
"My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912 ... well, to make a long story short ... "
"I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said its 'Free With Purchase.' I asked her if anyone bought anything today."
"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, 'I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call next time I'm out.'"
"My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, 'the whole time'."
"I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, 'Steven, time to go to sleep.' I said, 'But I don't know how.' She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.' So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said, 'I thought I told you to go to sleep.'"
"A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...ooooohhhhhh, that's much better..."
"Sometimes I...No, I don't."
"I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger."
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
If you don't take a chance, you don't stand a chance.
The difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is how you use them.
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not butting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be true. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Is there another word for synonym?
Men are not pigs, pigs are gentle, caring and intelligent animals.
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher
Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. - Bella Abzug
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
I like pigs, dogs look up to us, cats look down on us, pigs treat us as equals. - Winston Churchill
My old uncle always used to say fight fire with fire... That's probably why he was kicked out of the fire brigade.
On going to war over religion: "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." -- Rich Jeni
"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." -- Gary Valentine
On the difference between men and women: "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." -- Jeff Green
"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers. So people don't blame everything on Satan.'" -- John Wing
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" -- Francois Morency
"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" -- Rich Jeni
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'
Sincerity is the most important thing in acting. Once you learn how to fake that, you have it made.
Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.
Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-btch.
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: D'uh.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
Suppose you were an idiot . . . And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . But I repeat myself.
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
What happens when none of your bees wax?
Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
"The Senate has passed a resolution to make English the official language of the United States. When asked if they approve of the resolution, 75 of the people in Los Angeles said, 'Si.'" --Jay Leno
"A lot of sleazy politicians in the news today. Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy has written a book where he says ... he used to cruise highway truck stops looking to have sex with gay truckers. How many times have we seen this? Just another government official screwing a consumer at the gas pump." --Jay Leno
"Scientists now believe that they may be able to teach birds grammar. ... And if they succeed teaching grammar to the birds, they're going to try the same thing with President Bush." --David Letterman
"In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton ... said in her spare time what she likes to do is download iTunes. And, of course, we all know in his spare time, Bill likes to download interns." --David Letterman
"The Senate voted to make English the national language of the United States. The vote drew protests from several immigrant groups and one governor of California." --Conan O'Brien
"The Pentagon announced today that Iraq's border is now 90 under control, which is pretty impressive when you realize San Diego's border is only 20 under control." --Jay Leno
"Pat Robertson said this week that God told him that possibly a tsunami could hit the Pacific northwest this year. I don't want to be disrespectful, but possibly? ... Like God's thinking 60/40. ... Pat, that wasn't God. You fell asleep in front of the weather channel." --Jay Leno
"As part of the ongoing immigration debate, the Senate on Thursday voted 64 to 34 to make English America's national language. Coming in second: '70s jive talk." --Tina Fey
"A Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage, apparently forgetting that our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri pants." --Tina Fey
"Many governors of northeastern states are unwilling to volunteer their National Guard troops to assist with President Bush's border plan. They want the Guard troops doing what they do best: freaking people out at Amtrak stations." --Amy Poehler
"A Louisiana state Senate committee unanimously approved a ban on cock fighting, in what appears to be a first step in outlawing gay marriage" --Amy Poehler
Penguins can only see in colour.
A human and a giraffe have the same number of neck bones but not necesarily in the same order.
The average animal, if one was to compute an average of all physiological and morphological attributes of all species, is the panda.
When being chased by a big cat and you are unsure of the species, count the number of whiskers (one side only), a lion has 15, a leopard 13, a cheetah 17 and a tiger has 12.
In the last century, ocean going steam launches were protected from barnacles by painting them with molasses. Barnacles cannot abide molasses.
In the thirteenth century, amoebae were used as money in Tibet.
The Spanish are the world's largest consumers of velour, purchasing approximately forty square metres per person per year in burgundy shades alone.
Squid can only swim backwards unless towed by a motor-boat.
The brown rat, or Norway rat, is the closest living relative to the French foreign secretary. Ed. legal notice - this is not true.
Armadillos are born inside out, the mother must then blow into the baby's snout, like a rubber glove.
In the mouse language, there are 53 different words for 'huge'.
If all of the white rhinos in South Africa were lined up end to end, there would be one hell of a ruckus.
There is no such thing as a cow - have you ever seen one? Think about it.
FACT - Insects can only see the colour green.
The okapi is technically the most absurd mammal.
A Tamarind is a fruit - you're thinking of a Tamarin.
When the common wood-louse or 'pill-bug' is threatened, it swallows iself.
If you scaled a mouse to the size of an elephant, its whiskers would be, on average, 21 feet long.
It would take 4,006 guinea pigs to suport the weight of one adult tiger.
For a swift to fly at the speed of sound would require flight muscles the size of a Vauxhall Nova.
A standard size box file will hold 648 common shrews.
Although a chimpazee can understand the difference between admonishment and praise, a gorilla cannot, it will always assume that it is being praised.
Elephants are so popular that 8 out of 10 schoolchildren said that, if they had to make the choice, they would rather see their parents killed than an elephant.
If a Triceratops was alive today, it would be able to toss a vending machine 45 feet with its horns.
If London was to organise itself as efficiently as an ant hill, it would require only 5 sets of traffic lights for the entire city.
Contrary to popular belief, it is not possible to survive in a whale's stomach for more than a couple of days.
When being chased by a leopard it is possible to escape by carefully adhering to the following set of movements: first, veer left, then right, right again, left, back-peddle 6 steps, veer right, then hide behind a bush. This will always work with leopards, but not with lions.
When its shell is removed, a mediterreanean tortoise can run at 11 mph.
The decreasing birth rate of blue whales is being blamed on the numbers of supertankers on the oceans: female whales prefer to mate with the largest males and are increasingly preferring the tankers.
If there were no natural predators of sloths, in 14,000,000 years time the Earth would be covered in a layer of sloths 35 cm thick.
If a rat was a floppy disk, it would have a capacity of just 14 KB.
If Elvis Presley was a freshwater fish, he would be a rudd.
243 click beetles can, collectively, jump as far as one grey kangaroo.
If a sabre-toothed tiger, if it was a bicycle, would have 28 gears.
Questions in court.
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: You were not shot in the fracas? A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?
Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal side ".
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
Actual Answers Given on Family Feud
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings
Something you might be allergic to - Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
Something associated with the police - Pigs
A sign of the zodiac - April
Something slippery - A conman
A food that can be brown or white - Potato
A jacket potato topping - Jam
A famous Scotsman - Jock
Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
Something with a hole in it - Window
A non living object with legs - Plant
A domestic animal - Leopard
A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
A way of cooking fish - Cod
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
Name something Red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal - Mail
A number you have to memorize - 7
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Something in the garden that's green - Shed
Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
Something you open other than a door - Your bowels
Real Performance Evaluations
These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations throughout the U.S. Hopefully, none of us will be seeing similar ones on ours.
- Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
- Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
- If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
- If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
- If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.
- It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
- One neuron short of a Synapse.
- Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
- Takes him 1.5 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
- The wheel is still turning, but the hamster is dead.
- Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not allow this employee to breed.
- This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
- He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
- He's got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
- A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
- He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
- I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
- He's been working with glue too much.
- He would argue with a signpost.
- He has a knack for making strangers immediately.
- He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
- When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
- If you see two people talking, and one looks bored, he's the other one.
- A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
- A prime candidate for Natural de-Selection.
- He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
- Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "My pacemaker!"
Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "You! What did I just say?"
Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask me, Winky Willy."
If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr Smartypants?"
Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".
Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field".
Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex Machine."
Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
Address students as "worms".
Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
Growl constantly and address students as "matey".
Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favourite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".
Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.
Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.
Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every 10 minutes.
Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk".
Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"
What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
What is the difference between a brunette and garbage?
What's a brunette's mating call?
When you are sad,
When you are scared,
When you are worried,
When you are confused,
When you are sick.
When you fall,
This is my oath.
Why you may ask?
If The Earth Were a Small Village
If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of 100 people, with everything else remaining the same, it would look like this:
There would be:
52 would be female
70 would be non-white
70 would be non-Christian
95 would be heterosexual
6 people would own 59 of the world's wealth, and all 6 would be from the United States
80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death
1 would have a college education
1 would own a computer
0 would play oboe
What my friends in school say
Rachel: Drunk Tuba!
Some really funny quotes from actual quiz programs!
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonerful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
White: correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
White: Correct- and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
White: Well, there we are then. So whohad a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonerful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
Gary King: Name the funny men who entertained kings and queens at court.
Greg Scott:We're looking for an occupation beginning with T.
Scott: No, it's T for Tommy, T for Tango, T for tintinnabulation.Contestant: Oh, right... (Pause)... Doctor.
Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.
Kelly: OK, what do beans come in?
More on the way!
Rob/Star: It's so Obvious, I mean differences attract and they FINALLY kissed in the newest episode "Go". Took them long enough to show it, I was starting to go crazy!
BB/Rae: I am a big fan of these two and I love the feeling that Terra isn't aroung anymore, because BB/Terra was just cupboard love and now we are dealing with true love. I totally worship this pairing.
Cy/Bee: What can I say, I don't think cyborg would fall in love with a villain.
KF/Jinx: Like this pairing, I just don't read about it a lot because I like to read about the original team. Thank you.
Pairings I hate/aren't my faves.
Rob/Rae: Just because of some episodes they happened to spend time with each other, doesn't mean they love each other. Besides, any feeling on Robin's part is more older-brotherly feeling.
Cy/Rae: Again, older brotherly feeling.
BB/Star: Brother/sister relationship.
Cy/Star: Do I really have to keep telling you that it's older brother?
Terra/BB: It's not very good. I don't really hate Terra, but I like the BB/Rae pairing loads better.
Cy/Jinx: Nothing really against this pairing, I just think that KF/Jinx is better.
Anybody that thinks the TT girls are slash is wrong, but the boys may be gay, I've wondered why Robin keeps Slade's mask in his room...
Please don't flame me for my pairings. I won't flame you for yours, so don't flame for mine.
Best Teen Titan villian: Probably Mumbo, I love his ideas of turning the titans into animals.
Worst Titan villain: Mad Mod, he makes fun of Jolly old England, my (nearly) native country, my native one is Ireland.
OK, just wanna say that if you've written a oneshot and some idiot puts it on their alert list, it was probably me, I've done it before...
Hope you enjoyed my pitiful attempts at humor. Have fun, and read and review my stories please.
URGENT NOTE! Pantheria is currently on hold until I finish Seperated. Sorry everyone.