Jon Stewart
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Poll: Kenya has three apples. America wants those apples. How many apples does Kenya have? Vote Now!
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Joined 04-11-06, id: 1026076, Profile Updated: 07-07-11
Author has written 1 story for Fight Club.

His eyes were like two dead birds.

latté mornings, modem madness, squeaky brakes

I can't decide whether you should live or die.

"Well, Steve, if being a Nazi is wrong, I don't want to be right!"

There was no mistaking the awesome implications of the chaplain's revelation: it was either an insight of divine origin or a hallucination; he was either blessed or losing his mind. Both prospects filled him with equal fear and depression. It was neither déjà vu, presque vu nor jamais vu. It was possible that there were other vus of which he had never heard and that one of these other vus would explain succinctly the baffling phenomenon of which he had been both a witness and a part; it was even possible that none of what he thought had taken place, really had taken place, that he was dealing with an aberration of memory rather than of perception, that he never really had thought he had seen what he now thought he once did think he had seen, that his impression now that he once had thought so was merely the illusion of an illusion, and that he was only now imagining that he had ever once imagined seeing a naked man sitting in a tree at the cemetery.

"I prefer Jon Stewart to Jesus Christ."

Baseball was a very patriotic and moral game that was played with a bat, a ball, four bases, and seventeen men and Yossarian, divided up into one team of nine players and one team of eight players and Yossarian.

"The pain you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus."

—brought to you by Prescott Pharmaceuticals—

( RED ARMY )

GRIF / SIMMONS

your bright lights, your big dreams, the promises you couldn't keep


Toonces - Dylan

Shadow - Coco - Skippy - Bludo (- Sawyer - Buddy)

Scrubs

Dixie

Brandy - Lily

Milo - Daneeko - Dunbar - Grif - Vivi - Jon - Stephen - Simmons - Snowden - Skittles - Armada - Blackjack - Church - Meta

Rosie - Bear - Nately - Dakota - Olive - Hoodsie (- Skitten) - Emma

Doc - Wash - Delta - York - Sarge - Tucker - Simmons 2.0 - Tex - Epsilon - M2 - O'Malley - Caboose - Gamma - Cookie (- Kittens)

Carrot - Vimes (- Sam - Kittens)


I

(am :) Red. Tired. Sunburnt in winter. Dense. Decisively American. Luckier than I know. Most likely to owe you five hundred dollars. In ur thredz, undoin ur glitchiz. Killing your opinions one ban at a time. Currently snacking. Speaking with a Boston accent. Missing the point. Doing it wrong.

(do :) Write. Read (with my left eye). Waste time. Argue (about nothing). Argue (about food). Vandalize walls with anti-war and pro-democracy sentiments; someone's got to do it. Not see the stars.

(love :) Catch-22. Fight Club. Red vs. Blue. Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. John Dies at the End. Stephen King. Isaac Asimov. Orson Scott Card. Terry Pratchett (but that doesn't mean Julia wins!). The Colbert Report. The Daily Show. South Park. Repo! The Genetic Opera. Left 4 Dead. The Book of Mormon.

(love :) Simmons. Milo. Tyler. Price. Ellis. Dunbar. Yossarian. Mag. Amber. Tappman. Grif. Sarge. Nately.

(love :) AC/DC. Aerosmith. Bob Dylan. CCR. The Doors. Guns N' Roses. The J. Geils Band. Journey. Kamelot. Led Zeppelin. Lynyrd Skynyrd. Movits. Stephen and the Colberts. U2. Van Halen.

(love :) Grif/Simmons. Jon/Stephen. Nick/Ellis. Elder Price/Orlando, obviously.

(love :) Massachusetts. New England, especially when the leaves turn. Coffee. Having nothing to do. Having everything to do. Deadlines. Yellow and black plaid. Decoy Jews. Snow. Snowdrifts. The jokes that offend you. Mint chocolate. (My) cats. Dogs. Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. Yellow roses. Pineapple soda. Snacks, even though I shouldn't. Snacks, even though I should. Coca-Cola - a tall glass - three ice cubes. Good Nazis or a dead Hitler. Blackout curtains. Hot water in a functional shower. Real air colder than conditioned air. A hammock. Triple Stuf Oreos. RvB night. So much more.

(love :) You guys.

(can't stand :) The bands that you like. Wind in winter. The dark. Republicans. Direct sunlight. Spiders. Making phone calls. Getting phone calls. Dog people. Planes. Tech support from India, the Philippines, or some other country that isn't mine. A waste of money. Cyclops smileys. The South (you knew it was coming). A million little things that otherwise don't matter.

(care about :) Life. Death. You know: the important stuff.

(need :) Some time off. More snacks. A muse. (The essentials.)

(don't believe in :) Long-sleeved T-shirts. History. Truthiness. Freem. The game. Money. Your God.

Laser sounds! (Sometimes a girl needs to quote The Daily Show.)