dyly
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Joined 06-07-06, id: 1062085, Profile Updated: 03-12-10
Author has written 8 stories for Harry Potter, Twilight, and Merlin.

Hey!!

Seen as you've taken the time to come here, you probably want to know something about me...

I'm female and i live in England (the best place to be of course).

Favourite TV shows: HOUSE MD (best show E.V.E.R.), CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, CSI:NY, The Bill, Doctor Who, Torchwood, QI, Have I Got News For You, Friday Night With Jonathan Ross, Top Gear, My Family, Heroes, Never Mind The Buzzcocks, Merlin, Outnumbered, Mock The Week, Grand Designs, Not Going Out, Would I Lie To You?, Greys Anatomy, Glee.

Favourite food: Chinese

Favourite music: everything :) i like musicals though so i'm always listening to soundtracks

Instruments i can play: Piano, Drums, Guitar, Saxophone.

On to pairings: i like both slash and het and most pairings are fine with me but i do HATE harry/hermione.

Current fave pairings: Fenrir/Harry & Voldemort/Harry (AKA Tom/Harry), Carlisle/Edward, Carlisle/Bella, any of the cullen men with each other.

Best Friend: Sarah (penname: maomai) who introduced me to practically everything i'm interested in. She's amazing:):):)

Things that get on my nerves: Disorganisation, stupidity, bad grammar and spelling.

~~If anyone was wondering about my other two fics, (not Child Of The Light, Prodigy Of The Dark, the other ones), well they're not gonna be finished. For the first one i lost my plan and the other one was just boring.~~

Seeing as right now i'm into quotes, i'll leave you with a few (and i use that term loosely) that i like:

1. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.

2. We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police.

3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like grandfather...not screaming like the passengers in his car.

4. Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

5. Who ever said anything was possible never tried nailing jello to a tree.

6. "I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell cant paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college-ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that paper up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say "oh shit , I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, asshole."

7. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

8. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

9. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

10. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

11. They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

12. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

13. Buy one for the price of two and get the second one free!

14. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is. It's always room-temperature.

15. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together

16. The road to hell is ordered by the righteous, planned by the well-meaning, and paved with their good intentions.

17. Always be who you are. Those who matter don't care and those who care don't matter.

18. If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it.

19. Good judgement comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgement.

20. Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.

21. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. - Louis Hector Berlioz

22. Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

23. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

24. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

25. Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.

26. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

27. It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.

28. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

29. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson

30. What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

31. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

32. Lies are like children: they're hard work, but it's worth it because the future depends on them. -- Pam Davis, House M.D., It's A Wonderful Lie, 2008

33. The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.

34. Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

35. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

36. The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

37. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

38. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

39. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

40. The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'. - Robin Williams

41. That which doesn't kill you...will probably try again.

42. Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

43. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

44. I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!

45. Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

46. The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

47. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown

48. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. - Lily Tomlin

49. When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein

50. He who laughs last didn't get it.

51. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. - Stephen Fry

52. There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

53. Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...

54. "Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757

55. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

56. There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? - Woody Allen

57. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

58. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. - Woody Allen

59. Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions. - Woody Allen

60. I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying. - Woody Allen

61. How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? - Woody Allen

62. I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. - Woody Allen

63. I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. - Woody Allen

64. I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. - Woody Allen

65. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. - Woody Allen

66. I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. - Woody Allen

67. I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night. - Woody Allen

68. I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. - Woody Allen

69. I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. - Woody Allen

70. Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth. - George Burns

71. A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible. - George Burns

72. Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman— or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle. - George Burns

73. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. - George Burns

74. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx

75. Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere. - G. K. Chesterton

76. It's not paranoia if they really are out to get you

77. Don't be so humble - you are not that great. -- Golda Meir

78. When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.

79. Work is the curse of the drinking class.

80. I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving.

81. There's nothing more restful than taking orders from fools.

82. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

83. It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.

84. I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.

85. I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.

86. I worship the ground that awaits you.

87. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

88. The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

89. The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. - General George Patton

90. We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.

91. I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant.

92. We are the people our parents warned us about.

93. Attention to health is life greatest hindrance. - Plato

94. Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible.

95. The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, i'll never be as good as a wall. - Mitch Hedberg

96. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? - Steven Wright

97. Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them! - Optemist

98. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue. - Anonymous

99. The latest new dance craze is called, The Politician. It's two steps forward, one step backward, and then a sidestep. - Government

100. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. - Anonymous

101. Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. - Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

102. Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic. - Dan Rather

103. If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score? - Vince Lombardi

104. Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. - Rick Cook, The Wizardry Compiled

105. Not every story has explosions and car chases. That's why they have nudity and espionage. - Bill Barnes and Gene Ambaum, Unshelved, 09-14-08

106. If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity. - Bill Vaughan

107. If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost £100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. - Robert X. Cringely, InfoWorld magazine

108. The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. - Samuel Johnson

109. A friend helps you up when you fall, a best friend continues walking while saying, "Walk much dumbass?"

110. A friend gives you their umbrella in the rain a best friend takes yours and say, "RUN, -BEEP- RUN!"

111. A friend wipes your tears when you’re rejected, a best friend goes up to him and says, "It's because your gay isn't it?"

112. A friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend would be in the room next to you saying, THAT WAS AWESOME , LETS DO IT AGAIN!!

113. "Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the Universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a chair has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch it to be sure."

114. "Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence."

115. "You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder."

116. The diference between humor and tragedy is that humor is when it happens to someone else."

117. "Who ever said that words don't hurt never got hit by a dictionary."

118. Don't let your mind wander, Its too little to be let out alone.

119. "The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music. "

120. "War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left. "

121. We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.

122. Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.

123. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them as much.

124. A repair shop: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

125. An apple a day keeps the doctor away... if you throw it hard enough.

126. Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it. - Unknown

127. I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. -- Jackie Mason

128. We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.
-- Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead

129. There are 350 varieties of shark, not counting loan and pool. -- L. M. Boyd

130. My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. -- Benjamin Disraeli

131. Things could always be worse; for instance, you could be ugly and work in the Post Office. -- Adrienne E. Gusoff

132. Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
-- Benjamin Franklin

133. They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse.
-- Emily Dickinson

134. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
-- Unknown

135. Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
-- Wendell Johnson

136. There is nothing more demoralizing than a small but adequate income.
-- Edmund Wilson

~MY 9 NAMES~

1. YOUR REAL NAME

Dilini

2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME:
(first 4 letters of real name + izzle.)

Diliizzle

3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME:
(fav color and fav animal)

Yellow Dog

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME:
(your middle name and the street you live on)

Sandra Mollison

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME:
(the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name)

Sridi

6. YOUR SUPERHERO NAME:
(Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite soda)

Orange Fanta

7. YOUR IRAQI NAME:
(2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, any
letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd
letter of dad's middle name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and
last letter of your moms middle name)

Iidemge

8.YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME:
(both parents middle name)

Eloise Gamini

9. YOUR GOTH NAME:

... What NOW there are no more instructions?

When I first saw you,

I was afraid to meet you.

When I first met you,

I was afraid to kiss you.

When I first kissed you,

I was afraid to fall in love with you.

Now that I've fallen in love with you...

I can only pray not to lose you.

The Wonders Of Fanfiction profiles:

Proof that women are evil:

As any male can attest to, women are, most simply, time and money:

Women = time x money

(We know that time is money so, )

Women = money x money

Women = money squared

(We also know that money is the root of all evil,)

Money = square root of evil

Money squared = evil

(And if women = money squared)

ERGO, Women = evil

~ Credited to Simon Singh

Handling Kids is Easy.

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

The Best of Bumper Stickers.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her . . . or something like that.

Keep honking while I reload.

If we are what we eat; I’m cheap, fast, and easy.

Bad Cop! No Donut!

It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

I love cats . . . they taste just like chicken.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Cover me. I’m changing lanes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

Tow-ers will be violated.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Wink, I’ll do the rest!

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

When there’s a will, I want to be in it!

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

My karma ran over my dogma.

Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!

Forget about World Peace . . . Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

i souport publik edekasion.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Diplomacy is the art of saying, ‘Nice, doggie!’ . . . 'till you can find a rock.

Things to Ponder:

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

So, what's the speed of dark?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Why does an "X" stand for a kiss?

Why are the copyright dates on movies and television shows written in Roman numbers?

Why the sun lightens our hair, But darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara, with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline: 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why you have to click on 'Start', to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a 'Broker'?

Why there isn't mouse flavoured cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a 'new & improved' flavour?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

TOP TEN Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk At Work:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a fifteen minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken . . ."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot . . ."

And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.

1. " . . . AMEN!"

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don 't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

In Case You Need Further Proof That The Human Race Is Doomed Because Of Stupidity, Here Are Some Actual Label Instructions On Consumer Goods:

On a Myer hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".
(Dang, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap".
(And that would be how?)

On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost".
(Just a suggestion . . . )

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down".
(Oh, now you tell me!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating".
(Isn't that the point?)

On a Korean kitchen knife: "Warning: keep out of children."
(Hmm . . . Something must have gotten lost in the translation . . . )

On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body".
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those five-year-old's with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness".
(Well, I should hope so!)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".
(As opposed to . . . what?)

On a Japanese food processor:"Not to be used for the other use".
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts".

(Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
(Step 3: Maybe, uh . . . fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".
(Oh, darn . . . )

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) (Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

Many English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. (Ahh, true love!)

RULES FOR LIFE AT HOGWARTS

1) Seamus Finnigan is not after my lucky charms.

3) "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

4) I will not sing "We're Off to See the Wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office.

5) I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

6) I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.

7) Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.

8) Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

9) First years are not allowed to be fed to Fluffy.

10) I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his "Time of the Month."

11) I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they're real animals.

12) I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.

13) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

14) When Death-Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout, "To the Bat Mobile, Robin!"

15) When a class-mate falls asleep, I shall not take advantage of the fact and draw a Dark Mark on his arm.

16) It's not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes house points from Gryffindor.

17) Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is simply coincidental.

18) I will not call the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Kenny. Even if he is wearing an orange anorak.

19) I will not refer to the Weasley Twins as "bookends."

20) I will not dress up in a Dementor's suit and use a dustbuster on Harry's lips to make him do what I want.

21) I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.

22) I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells shouting, "I got the power!"

23) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights who say Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have students yell "Ni!" from various directions. (Highly inappropriate, albeit very funny.)

24) I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance when I enter a classroom.

25) Its not necessary for me to yell "Bam!" every time I apparate.

26) I will not steal Griffyndor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallway.

27) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music when wandering the halls.

28) "To conquer the earth with flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.

29) I am not allowed to begin Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes."

30) I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs.

31) The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife.

32) "Draco Malfoy, Take it up the arse" is not an acceptable Quidditch chant.

33) I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.

34) I am not Allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot, gay sex will occur.

35) It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall that she takes herself too seriously.

36) "Ya'll check this shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that I am about to conduct an experimental spell.

37) I will not say the phrase, "Dude, get a life," to Voldemort.

38) I will not offer to pose nude for Collin Creevy. (He will take you up on it.)

39) I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.

40) Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks, and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists, or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present . . .

The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No," and shoot him. On second thought, I'll shoot him, then say, "No."

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet, civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large, red button labeled, "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisers will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of a cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 1:17 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence, "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisers, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mindset.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line, "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colours, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harbouring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, naked mole rat, or whatever sickeningly-cute, little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of scepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say, "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

46. If an adviser says to me, "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?" I will reply, "This," and kill the adviser.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artefact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBooks.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says, "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!", I will say, "Oh well," and kill her.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However, before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artefacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60. My five-year-old child adviser will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisers ask, "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a fire fight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment Room.

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super-weapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisers assure me it is impossible for them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old adviser can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror, "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be, "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the twelve Stones of Power on the sacred altar, then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of, "Push the button."

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

89. After I capture the hero's super-weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

Girls
are like
apples on trees.
The best ones are
at the top of the tree.The
boys don't want to reach
for the good ones because they
are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples
from the ground that are not as good,
but easy. So the apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just
have to wait for the right boy to
come along, the one who's
brave enough to
climb all
the way
to the top
of the tree.

Graceful Little Alice=

:¨·.·¨:
·. EDWARD

Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?

Boy: No.

Girl: Do you like me?

Boy: No.

Girl: Do you want me?

Boy: No.

Girl: Would you cry if I left?

Boy: No.

Girl: Would you live for me?

Boy: No.

Girl: Would you do anything for me?

Boy: No.

Girl: Choose--me or your life.

Boy: My life.

The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says . . .

“The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind. The reason why I don't like you is because I love you. The reason I don't want you is because I need you. The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left. The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you. The reason why I'm not willing to do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you. The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life."

I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

Parents spend the first part of a child's life teaching them to walk and talk. The second half is teaching them to sit down and shut up.

Well, paint me purple and call me Barney.

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.

You think I'm crazy? At least I admit it.

Thanks, Stephenie, now I'll never find a man.

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill to many people.

You know there are poor people in Africa who can't afford sarcasm and yet you abuse it.

Officer, I swear to drunk I'm not God!

I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money!" (George Carlin)

“Last night, I dreamt I was eating a ten-pound marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.”

"I stopped fighting with my inner Demons. We're on the same side, now."

"If you can't laugh at yourself, I'd be happy to do it for you."

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand
up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do
you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you
standing there all by yourself!"

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on
her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself
beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a
tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the
10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and
asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the
policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny
asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his
father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the
horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad,
why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying
horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape be fore
I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to
buy Mom."

ForEverTopaz1901,10.15.08=

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused, and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE . God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor..' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

To all Eragon lovers: Read this. Warning! Eldest spoilers

A boy of foggy origins lives with his uncle in a remote place of a vast empire headed by an evil Emperor and his right hand man, who was once prominent in an ancient order of guardians with mystical powers. Through fate or luck, depending on your point of view, this boy comes into the possession of an object vital to a rebellion against the Empire; this object was inadvertently sent to him by a princess in the rebellion, who had attempted to send said object to an old man who once belonged to the same order of guardians as the Emperor’s right-hand man.

This boy seeks the old man to learn of the ways of this ancient order, but eventually has to return to his uncle’s farm, which, the boy finds, has been destroyed by fire, and his uncle killed. The boy then sets off with the old hermit, who also gives him a sword which belonged to his father. As they travel, they train. The boy meets up with a rogue who is full of surprises, but turns out to be fiercely loyal, for all his proclaimed selfishness. The boy also sees a beautiful woman imprisoned and in need of help.

The boy decides that he needs to rescue her, even though he doesn't know her; furthermore, he thinks of her only as beautiful. Long story short, the old hermit dies to protect the boy, the boy and the rogue help the beautiful damsel escape. They then set off to the rebellion to give important information and return the object which the princess had sent the boy. They were followed by the Empire, and prepare for a giant battle that will either save the rebellion or annihilate them. The boy proves his worth with heroics during the battle, but his crowning achievement is his destruction of a noun of much power that has the ability to destroy lots of things.. The boy is aided in this by one of his friends, who arrives at precisely the right moment. The boy is lauded a hero.

The boy has a hallucination of a powerful master who can teach him more of the ancient order. The boy travels to the powerful master to learn the ways of the ancient order's mystical power. While there, he grows very powerful. While he is away, the Rebellion regroups in a new area.

Just when the boy is on a roll with his training, and has grown very powerful, he has a vision of his friends in great danger. He decides he must go to help them. His master warns him not to go. The boy promises that he will return. He leaves. He finds his friends just in time and is able to distract the enemy so that his friends will remain safe. He finds out that his father was the right-hand man of the Emperor--his father was the one who betrayed the ancient order and helped kill them.

The boy is shocked and ultimately defeated, but not killed. He finds out that someone dear to him has been taken by evil people, and promises to find this person.

Now, is that the plot of Inheritance, or Star Wars?

"We could all take a lesson from crayons: some are sharp, some are beautiful, some have weird names, all are different colours, but they still learn to live in the same box."

Heaven doesn't want me, and Hell is afraid I'll take over.

"Let's eat grandpa!!"
"Let's eat, grandpa!!"
Punctuation saves lives.

"Where am I to go, now that I've gone too far?"

My best friends are the kind that if my house were on fire, they'd be roasting marsh mellows and flirting with the firemen. Oh, you think I'm kidding.

"Good friends will pick you up when your down, BEST FRIENDS will push you back down and laugh"
"Good friends ask why you're crying, BEST FRIENDS already have the shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry"
"Good friends will bail you out of jail, BEST FRIENDS will be sitting right there next to you going, 'Damn, what did we do?'"
"Good friends will say you can do better, BEST FRIENDS will call him up and say "You have seven days to live"
"Good friends will help you with your drug problem, BEST FRIENDS are the ones who sold it to you,"
"Good friends will help you move, BEST FRIENDS will help you move the body"
"A best friend can look at you with a smile on your face and ask 'What's wrong?'"

"Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty. Me? I just want to know who the hell is drinking my damn beer."

Since Edward is a perfect angel, and God created angels, and Carlisle created Edward (into a vampire), God is Carlisle. That and when every one of us woke up and saw Carlisle, we thought he was God. And God (Carlisle) said, "Let there be Edward," . . . and it was good.

It's true, Edward Cullen prefers brunettes. Sorry, Barbie, you aren't Bella, and Edward isn't your Ken.

Even if the voices aren't real, they got some great ideas.

Sometimes I get the urge to run around naked . . . but then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.

What not to say to the police: "You're not going to check the trunk, are you?"

Oh my God, look at you! Was anyone else hurt in the accident?

Some call it stalking; I call it love.

I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE, is when it's weird.

"You really should stay away from me. See you in class." -Edward

"Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that, my children, is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies." (Johnny Depp in 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory'.)

"Emmett's the strongest, Edward's the fastest, but Jasper can sit alone in a corner and still make people jealous." -(DelilahTCullen)

-Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect - and I didn't live to be. But before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean.- (Bob Marley)

-When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end.- (Twilight, prologue.)

-Boys in books . . . are just better.-

-I have more fictional boyfriends than you do. Beat that!-

-It's funny how someone can break your heart and you still love them with all the little pieces.-

-Happiness. It made the whole dying thing pretty bearable.- (New Moon)

-The best things in life aren't things.- (Art Buchwald)

-Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

-There's that one quote, 'when I'm around you the sky is a different blue'. What happens when I'm around you . . . the goddamn sky is grey?-

-So here's to teenage romance, and not knowing why it hurts like hell.-

-It's sad when people you know, become people you knew . . . When you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life. How you used to be able to talk for hours, and now . . . you can barely even look at them.-

-After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist finally said to me, "Maybe . . . life isn't for everyone." -

-You want a song of glory? Well I'm fucking screaming it at you.- (Box Full of Sharp Objects by The Used)

-Falling in love was the best idea I ever had.- (Same song as above.)

“My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.”

~ All I ask for is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy!

Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried slamming a revolving door.

You know it’s going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.

"It's always the last place you look." Well, duh!! Why would I keep looking after I found it, smartass!!

If con is the opposite of pro, is "Congress" the opposite of "progress"?

"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog." --Mark Twain

"Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes."

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Things I Learned From Twilight!

4. Nothing beats an irritable grizzly bear.
6. Some people are just danger magnets.
8. Forget the fangs - real vampires sparkle!
10. Porshe 911 Turbos make really great bribes.
12. Snow just means it's too cold for rain.
13. Family is about more than just blood.
14. What's worth doing is worth over-doing.
20. Hearing voices in your head doesn't necessarily mean you're crazy.
23. Not breathing is uncomfortable.
24. Stupid lambs and masochistic lions make quite a pair.
25. Romeo was an idiot.
27. Extreme sports should not be attempted alone.
29. Space heaters can be very annoying.

Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.

Education is important. Although school is another matter entirely.

Music is love in search of words.

I used to be normal, until I met those freaks I now call my best friends.

I ran with scissors and lived!

I don't obsess. I just think intensely.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

When life gives you lemons, throw them back and demand Edward.

The knack of flying is attempting to fall . . . and missing the ground.

Somebody needs a happy meal.

I find the phrase "Good Morning" an oxymoron.

Having the love of your life say "we can still be friends," is like your dog dying, and your mom saying you can keep it.

Your just jealous that the little voices are talking to me.

I knew something was wrong when my imaginary friends would talk to me.

My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems.

"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense." - Tom Clancy

Writing is a socially accepted form of Schizophrenia.

I dream of a better world where chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned

Being weird is like being normal, only better.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

I'm not littering . . . I'm donating to the Earth.

Life is like a pack of gum . . . I've yet to figure out why.

Be insane . . . Because well behaved girls never made history.

You call me a "B." Well a "B" is a female dog. A dog barks. Bark is on trees. Trees are a part of nature. Nature is beautiful. So thanks for the compliment. :)

My knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminium foil.

Never knock on Death’s door. Ring the doorbell and run away; he hates that.

Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.

Last night I looked up at the stars and matched each star to a reason I loved you. I was doing fine 'till I ran out of stars.

To the world, you are just one person, but to one person, you are the world.

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh, he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

Person #1: Happiness is just around the corner!
Person #2: Too bad the world is round!

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.

"They always say that a murderer is a loner; Well, of course he is a loner! HE HAS BEEN KILLING PEOPLE!!"

I may be drunk, but you are ugly and in the morning I will be sober.

If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance . . . Baffle them with bullshit!

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

One out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

The more I learn about people the more I like my dog.

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

"They say 'guns don't kill people; people kill people,' but I think guns help. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you would kill too many people. Do you?" --A Flaming Moo

I'm a little teapot short and stout. Here is my handle here is my . . . Well I’ll be damned. I'm a sugar bowl.

Chuck Norris has a nightlight--not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Therapist = The/rapist . . . Scary thought.

Remember what you just said, because tomorrow I am going to have a witty and sarcastic comeback and you'll be devastated then!

"I know water doesn't bite! What a stupid thing to say! Water doesn't have to bite you! You drown in it, you moron!" -Stewie Griffin

Muffins are just ugly cupcakes . . . but we love them anyways.

It is wise to walk a mile in a man's shoes before judging him . . . That way you're a mile away and you have his shoes.

At my lemonade stand I used to give away the first glass for free, and charge five dollars for the refill. It contained the antidote.

People who say it can't be done should not interrupt those of us who are doing it.

You can't wait for inspiration; you have to go after it with a club.

Asking a writer what he thinks about criticism is like asking a lamppost what it thinks about dogs.

My friends are the type of people who would try to drown a fish, but I love them anyway.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

Ooooo . . . A life. Where can I download one?

I apologize, do you want me to mean it too?

The dinosaurs extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.

Doctors say I have multiple personality disorder. We disagree with that.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

"If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail”. -David Brent-

I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not.

The TRUTH is that everyone's going to hurt you . . . You just have to decide who is worth the pain.

"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, and the lesson afterwards." - Vernon Law

"Right now I have amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before." - Steven Wright

"I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my super powers."

Palm Reader: -Gasp- "You're going to die. But don't worry, you'll live through it."

"In a world of nonsense, everything something is, it isn't, everything it would be wouldn't, and everything it would be, was."

"Excuse me. Have you seen my sanity? I think I've lost it . . . "

"I used to care, but I take a pill for that now . . ."

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

If the first grape you eat is bitter, then you won't bother eating grapes again. If the first grape you eat is a sweet one, then you are willing to search through all the bitter grapes until you find another sweet one.

Why is it when we're talking to God, we're praying, but whenever God talks to us, we're crazy?

The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first.


". . . Which left Harry free to sit down on the grass between the beech and bushes and watch the foursome under the tree." ~JK Rowling

"Personally, I'd have welcomed a dementor attack. A deadly struggle for my soul would have broken the monotony nicely." ~Sirius

"'. . . when it appears, it is always equipped for the seeker's needs. Dobby has used it, sir,' said the elf, dropping his voice and looking guilty, 'when Wink has been very drunk.'" ~JKR

I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor"--a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck, my friends, for I may not return alive.

Slinky + Escalator = Endless Fun!

Sometimes I wonder, "Why is the Frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.

One day, Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem: My husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones had winked off again. However, this time, the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who then yelled, "You stick that god damned thing in me one more time, and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

You know your stressed out when you can hear mimes.

(On a T-Shirt.) Who are you, and why are you reading my shirt?

A conclusion is what you reach when you get tired of thinking.

Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there!

Normal people worry me.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

People say that I have totally lost it. I wasn't even aware I had it.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in," when it's
only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra
penny going to?

In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."

"Cheese . . . Milk's leap toward immortality."

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize. Oh, man . . . I could be eating a slow learner." -Lyndon B. Johnson

(On a shirt.) Abreadcrumb & Fish

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia. Definition? The fear of long words. Ahh, the irony.

Life isn't a garden, we don't need hoes.

Bush & Israeli Mossad

After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama bin Laden is still alive', Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own hand writing to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, and then to MI6. Eventually they asked the Mossad (Israeli intelligence) for help. Within a minute the Mossad emailed the White House with this reply:

'Tell the President he's holding the note upside down.

Teaching Maths Through The Ages

1. Teaching Maths In 1970

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for 1000.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price.

What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for 1000.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price, or 800.

What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for 1000.

His cost of production is 800.

Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for 1000.

His cost of production is 800 and his profit is 200.

Your assignment: Underline the number 200.

5. Teaching Maths In 2008

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

He does this so he can make a profit of 200. What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?

There are no wrong answers.

(If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counselling will be available)

6. Teaching Maths 2018

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من>

الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for 10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR 10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is ... Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery & even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Murder or Suicide:

The Strange Death of Ronald Opus

On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency.

As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

Ordinarily, a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide. That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

An elderly man and his wife occupied the room on the ninth floor, whence the shotgun blast emanated from. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger. He completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject' A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B'. When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore, the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.

So the case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now here comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.

The son had actually murdered himself, so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

Mathematical/Scientific Jokes

Q. What did the number 0 say to the number 8?
A. Nice belt!

Q. Why did the chicken cross the Moebius Strip?
A. To get to the other...er.. umm.

Q. Why did 5 eat 6?
A. Because 7 8 9.

An assemblage of the most gifted minds in the world were all posed
the following question: "What is 2 + 2?" The engineer whips out his calculator, taps away at it for a while and
finally announces "3.99".The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem
on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02". The mathematician cogitates for a while, oblivious to the rest of the
world, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can prove
an answer exists
!" The philosopher strokes his chin for several days, finally asking:
"But what do you mean by 2 + 2?" Finally the accountant closes all the doors and windows,
looks around carefully then asks "What do you want the answer to be?"

Did you hear about the statistician who used to go out with
a lot of girls but didn't like to talk about it? He was a discrete data

The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out
and says, "Go forth and multiply."A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals
are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing
fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the
snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?""Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need logs to multiply."

There are only 10 types of people in the world —
those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Q. Why did the programmer confuse Halloween with Christmas?
A. Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

THEOREM
Every horse has an infinite number of legs. PROOF
At the back a horse has two legs, and at the front a horse has fore legs.
So the total number of legs on any horse is two plus fore = six, an even
number. But six is an odd number of legs for a horse to have! Hence we
have shown that a horse has a number of legs that is both even and odd.
The only number that is both even and odd is infinity, therefore a horse
must have an infinite number of legs. End of proof.

Pie are square? No! Pies are round. Cornbread are square.


An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician were holidaying in Scotland.
Glancing from a train window, they observed a black sheep in the middle of a
field."How interesting," observed the astronomer, "all Scottish sheep are black!"To which the physicist responded, "No, no! Some Scottish sheep are black!"The mathematician gazed heavenward in supplication, and then intoned,
"In Scotland there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep,
at least one side of which is black
."

Subatomic particle shop SALE
Electrons: 50p
Protons: £1
Neutrons: no charge

Q: What's big and white and roams the sea endlessly?
A: Mobius Dick


The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man answers using the loud speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello.'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes.'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only 1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 model. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'Really? Go for it.'

WOMAN: 'Thank you honey.'

MAN: ' Make sure you get it with all the options!'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing ... the house we wanted last year is back on the market.'

MAN: 'Well then, go ahead and give them an offer.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you!'

MAN: 'Bye, I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!

'What powerful rivers!

'What beautiful animals!

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!' Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon them, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very Well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

Border Control

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:

"It'sa illegal to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the German says unbelievingly.

"Look at ze papers: zis car is designed to kerry 5 persons."

"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian.

"Quattro meansa four. You hava 5 people ina your car and you are thereforea breakinga tha law!."

The German driver is angry, - "You idiot! Call ze supervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!."

"Sorry", says the Italian, "he can'ta come. He's a busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno..."

Credit Crunch Humour

How do you define optimism? A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.

What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? The pizza can still feed a family of four.

As a surprise, a chief exec's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating: '. . . and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.'

Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning? Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.

Q: What's the difference between a merchant bank and Katie Price?

A: Both are institutions whose reputation is built on assets that, on closer inspection, turn out to be entirely artificial, vastly over-inflated and in danger of going through the floor at any moment. But at least Katie Price is still worth something.

What do you call five hedge fund managers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.

What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon? The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari.

A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic. Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: 'What's the hold-up?' The policeman replies: 'The Prime Minister is so depressed he's stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. 'He says no one believes he can get us through the credit crunch. So we're taking up a collection for him.' The lobbyist asks: 'How much have you got so far?' The officer replies: 'About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.'

The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car's been repossessed.

Latest news: The Isle of Dogs bank has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.

What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't sell anything? A Quarter-pounder with fries, please.

Overheard in a City bar: 'This credit crunch is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.'

The bank returned a cheque to me this morning, stamped: 'insufficient funds.' Is it them or me?

Bradford & Bingley employees are concerned they were given no notice of the takeover by Santander Bank.

A Government spokesman said: 'No one expected the Spanish acquisition.'

What's the difference between the BBC's Business Editor Robert Peston and God? God doesn't think he's Robert Peston.

You know it's a credit crunch when...

• The cashpoint asks if you can spare any change.

• There's a 'buy one, get one free' offer - on banks.

• The Inland Revenue is offering a 25 per cent discount for cash-payers.

• Gordon Brown has stopped chewing his nails and started sucking his thumb.

• Your builder asks to be paid in Zimbabwean dollars rather than sterling.

• Highgrove has been repossessed.

• Victoria Beckham is pictured shopping in Primark.

• Alistair Darling's eyebrows have turned white.

I talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one outside Boots yesterday.

What's the capital of Iceland? About £3.50.

An architect, a surgeon and an economist are discussing the Creation. The surgeon says: 'Look, we surgeons are most important. God's a surgeon because the first thing he did was to extract Eve from Adam's rib.' The architect says: 'No, wait a minute, God is an architect. He made the world in seven days out of chaos.' The economist smiles: 'And who made the chaos?'

A man went to his bank manager and said: 'I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?' 'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a big one and wait.'

Money talks. Trouble is, mine knows only one word: 'Goodbye.'

A young man asked an elderly rich man how he made his money. 'Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last penny, so I invested that penny in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold that apple for ten pennies. 'The next morning I bought two apples, spent the day polishing them and sold them for 20 pennies. I continued this for a month, by which time I'd accumulated a fortune of £1.37. 'Then my wife's father died and left us £2 million.'

What have an Icelandic bank and an Icelandic streaker got in common? They both have frozen assets.

A director decided to award a prize of £50 for the best idea of saving the company money during the credit crunch. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to £10.

Uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last seven days, Origami bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was also announced that Karaoke Bank will go up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended today after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and Peter Mandelson are flying to a world economic summit. Peter looks at Alistair and chuckles: 'You know, I could throw a £50 note out of the window right now and make one person very happy.' Alistair shrugs his shoulders and says: 'Well, I could throw five £10 notes out of the window and make five people very happy.' Gordon says: 'Of course, but I could throw ten £5 notes out of the window and make ten people very happy.' The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them, and says: 'I could throw all of you out of the window and make the whole country happy.'

Euro-English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".

Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and

keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20 shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the language is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords containing "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve wil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Why Parents Drink

A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mum' With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mum,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son

Paul

P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Dustin's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my centre desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

Rules For Dealing With Women

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed...+1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1

You leave the toilet seat up...-5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty...0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the nex t bathroom... ; -2

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings...+5

In the snow ...+8

But return with beer...-5

And no liners...-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night...0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing...0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something...+5

You pummel it with a six iron...+10

It's her cat...-40

AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party...0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old

drinking buddy...-2

Named Tiffany...-4

Tiffany is a dancer...-10

With breast implants...-18

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday...0

You buy a card and flowers...0

You take her out to dinner...0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar...+1

Okay, it is a sports bar...-2

And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3

It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and you r face is

painted the colours of your favourite team .-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal...0

The pal is happily married...+1

The pal is single...-7

He drives a Ferrari...-10

With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)...-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie...+2

You take her to a movie she likes...+4

You take her to a movie you hate...+6

You take her to a movie you like...-2

It's called Death Cop III...-3

Which features Cyborgs that crush human skulls...-9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly...-15

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of

it...+10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and

baggy Hawaiian shirts...-30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."...-800

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding...-10

You reply, "Where?"...-35

You reply, "No, I think it's your ass"...-100

Any other response...-20

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned expression...0

You listen, for over 30 minutes...+5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience...+50

Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying,

"...well,

what do you think I should do?"...-100

You have fallen asleep...-200

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH

You talk...-100

You don't talk...-150

You spend time with her...-200

You don't spend time with her...-500

You seem to be enjoying yourself..-1000

GAME OVER. YOU LOSE.

Footprints

There was once a man who lived a long life. At the end of his life, he had a vision that he was walking with God down a beach.

As he turned back, he realized that he could see his footsteps spreading out behind him, each one showing a different time in his life. Amazed, he noticed that some showed prosperous times, and others signified the difficult times he had gone through.

He noticed that there were two sets of footsteps in the sand...his, and God's. When he looked closer though, he noticed that at times, there was only one set of footsteps...and these were at the times when his life had been hardest.

Outraged, he turned to God. "Why did you abandon me?" he demanded. "Why did you leave me alone when my life grew hard. Those were the times that I needed you!"

God turned to the man with sad eyes. "I was always with you," he replied. "At the times when your life was difficult, that was not when I abandoned you...

That was when I carried you."

-Mary Stevenson

1984

Top Ten Reasons Why Gay Marriage Is Wrong:

1) Being gay is not natural. Real American's always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3)Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behaviour. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and
can sign a marriage contract.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans

Please repost this if you are for gay marriage.

Books have the same enemies as people: fire, humidity, animals, weather, and their own content.
-- Paul Valery

Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

My Disjointed Life by Pendrum reviews
Cloud Strife is just a typical first year university student trying to make it on his own. Throw in two attractive female students, crazy demanding professors, psychotic classmates, along with other challenges and you've got yourself a story.
Final Fantasy VII - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 22 - Words: 78,338 - Reviews: 1138 - Favs: 498 - Follows: 178 - Updated: 8h ago - Published: 12/28/2005
Disappear by Rirren reviews
Harry is transported into an alternate universe where he finds Sirius and his parents are still alive and he is Voldemort's most infamous deatheater. Post OotP.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Drama - Chapters: 9 - Words: 45,001 - Reviews: 1054 - Favs: 1,033 - Follows: 908 - Updated: 4/17 - Published: 1/8/2004 - Harry P., Sirius B.
A Shadowed Soul by devilblondie reviews
He was abandoned at a young age, the world believing him dead. They were wrong. Death Eaters believed untouchable are dying. Who is this assassin? Will he join Dumbledore or take the war into his own hands? Not typical powerful!politic!Harry.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Suspense - Chapters: 18 - Words: 93,039 - Reviews: 2356 - Favs: 4,716 - Follows: 5,283 - Updated: 3/18 - Published: 7/15/2007 - Harry P., N. Tonks
A Walk in Your Shoes by Spirit007 reviews
Imagine that one person that irritates, infuriates, & insults their way under your skin to the point where each moment with him or her becomes a pop quiz in self-control. Now, imagine that you've woken up in that person's body. For Lily Evans & James Potter, learning to navigate this unfortunate and stressful new reality is truly a walk through hell.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 22 - Words: 175,850 - Reviews: 2443 - Favs: 1,380 - Follows: 891 - Updated: 1/23 - Published: 9/22/2003 - James P., Lily Evans P.
Bleeding Clown by parselslyth reviews
Harry receives a diary from Dumbledore but when he writes in it, he receives an unexpected response. Who is this correspondent? Abused!Harry rescued from Dursleys, Mentor!Snape. Warnings: swearing, self harm, drug abuse, references to child abuse and rape
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 27 - Words: 62,922 - Reviews: 874 - Favs: 894 - Follows: 1,272 - Updated: 1/15 - Published: 5/26/2008 - Harry P., Severus S.
Fear the Dark by Dead Paw reviews
Voldemort ‘rescues’ Harry after he was 'abandoned' by his parents and his little sister. Awakening to a pair of yellow eyes in a strange place with the most feared Dark Wizard around, Harry wants answers. Chapter 8 up!
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 9 - Words: 31,575 - Reviews: 165 - Favs: 301 - Follows: 452 - Updated: 5/30/2013 - Published: 8/21/2007 - Harry P., Voldemort
The Ever Secret Diary of Sirius Black by Amalynne Olivier reviews
Sirius Black is dead, but a memory of him still remains. Rummaging through Padfoot's old possessions, Remus discovers a bit of the past in a diary. Similar to a Tom Riddle's diary experience, with 6th Year Sirius Black. **Year 7 sequel fanfic: The Not-So Secret Dairy of Sirius Black posted**
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 25 - Words: 96,008 - Reviews: 358 - Favs: 137 - Follows: 82 - Updated: 3/31/2013 - Published: 7/23/2004 - Sirius B. - Complete
Sharp Edges by S.K.Evans reviews
Meet Cloud, the guy who knows more than he should. Then, meet Tifa, who tries her best not to strangle him. Secrets are revealed and lies uncovered. What do you do when your world comes crashing down? AU
Final Fantasy VII - Rated: M - English - Romance/Mystery - Chapters: 24 - Words: 128,799 - Reviews: 623 - Favs: 262 - Follows: 265 - Updated: 1/27/2013 - Published: 11/9/2007 - Tifa L., Cloud S. - Complete
Viper by Nocens reviews
AU.When the Dursleys leave a baby Harry Potter in an alley they have no idea their actions will create an evil to rival only Voldemort's. Evil!Harry, Slytherin!Harry and later on HPLV slash. Gods and Immortals, demons and vampires.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Crime - Chapters: 19 - Words: 110,226 - Reviews: 841 - Favs: 1,593 - Follows: 900 - Updated: 12/31/2012 - Published: 2/4/2005 - Harry P., Voldemort - Complete
The Taming Of Harry Potter by Mel J1701 reviews
For young Harry Potter, a cupboard under the stairs was luxury compared to the conditions he has been kept in since he was seven years old...
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 14 - Words: 65,758 - Reviews: 1929 - Favs: 2,038 - Follows: 2,096 - Updated: 12/22/2012 - Published: 9/9/2003 - Severus S., Harry P.
A Touch of Evil by DaggersBloodPain reviews
Slash: What if the Chamber of Secrets events didn't turn out the same? A secret learned will make it so Harry will find himself growing up yearning for the touch of evil. Eventual Dark!Harry main pairing HP/LV more possible.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Adventure - Chapters: 37 - Words: 78,358 - Reviews: 900 - Favs: 1,162 - Follows: 1,484 - Updated: 9/7/2012 - Published: 5/10/2007 - Harry P., Voldemort
Say You Love Me by Lola Little reviews
AU Lord Snape gets more than he bargained for when he stops to repair his carriage at the Dursley estate. Deaf and horribly abused, Harry Potter has lived a nightmarish life. Can Severus help the boy and still manage to keep his desires in check? SSHP
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 24 - Words: 56,514 - Reviews: 1006 - Favs: 1,165 - Follows: 1,864 - Updated: 8/7/2012 - Published: 6/21/2007 - Severus S., Harry P.
Harry Lives! by teachersnape64 reviews
Sequel to Harry's Last Hope. Sirius comes back through the veil, putting Harry into serious danger. Can Snape save his newly adopted son? Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Quidditch.Almost a Severitus COMPLETE!
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Angst/Drama - Chapters: 59 - Words: 251,069 - Reviews: 5084 - Favs: 808 - Follows: 648 - Updated: 6/23/2012 - Published: 8/4/2006 - Harry P., Severus S. - Complete
Lily and James: Forever and Beyond by blueskywillow reviews
Lily and James' seventh and last year is one of heartache, romance, death and secrecy. In fact their love is secret! With so much secrecy can love prevail? Read and Review please
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 43 - Words: 176,348 - Reviews: 606 - Favs: 293 - Follows: 174 - Updated: 3/23/2012 - Published: 2/12/2003 - Lily Evans P., James P.
Bright Like the Sun by dryler reviews
Edward/Bella - WIP, AU, AH, OOC. When Bella goes to live with her father in Forks, things go much better than she expected. At least until a slick parking lot, a careening van, a broken arm, and her weird lab partner from biology get in the way...
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 24 - Words: 113,874 - Reviews: 3614 - Favs: 4,357 - Follows: 4,518 - Updated: 12/10/2011 - Published: 1/23/2009 - Edward, Bella
A Rough Start by ItzMegan73 reviews
Overnight irresponsible Edward goes from bachelor to father of a 5 yr old. Meanwhile responsible, prepared Bella begins her first job as Kindergarten teacher at Forks Elementary. When irresponsible meets the epitome of responsible, sparks will fly!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 41 - Words: 253,554 - Reviews: 22650 - Favs: 13,714 - Follows: 10,577 - Updated: 8/31/2011 - Published: 8/20/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Harry Snape and the New Beginning by syungie reviews
What if Lily and James were not killed that night? What if Harry's twin, not him was believed to be the chosen one? Harry is abandoned and then later adopted by Severus. This is an AU. The first few chapter has been edited.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Family - Chapters: 21 - Words: 61,361 - Reviews: 594 - Favs: 1,154 - Follows: 768 - Updated: 7/24/2011 - Published: 8/10/2007 - Harry P., Severus S. - Complete
On This Cross by Shiny Ryuichi Sakuma reviews
Before Voldemort, there was Tom Riddle. Harry is sent to the past in order to locate Voldemort’s weakness only to find himself falling in love…with Riddle. SLASH YAOI HPTR
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 25 - Words: 88,883 - Reviews: 1635 - Favs: 1,297 - Follows: 1,290 - Updated: 5/16/2011 - Published: 9/7/2004 - Harry P., Voldemort
Wolf's Intent by Callisto1791 reviews
At Voldemort‘s rebirthing ceremony, Fenrir discovers the scent of a Lycan bearer, a human with the ability to bear pure blooded werewolves if changed into one themselves. Fenrir rescues his potential mate only to discover it is none other than Harry Potte
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 28 - Words: 122,300 - Reviews: 1305 - Favs: 1,531 - Follows: 2,204 - Updated: 3/1/2011 - Published: 12/15/2007 - Harry P., Fenrir G.
The Practice of Love by belladonnacullen reviews
When the disarmingly handsome Edward Masen turns up as a new patient, the life Dr. Isabella Swan has carefully put together will be shattered forever. What will it take to put the pieces back together again? What does it take to heal? AH/AU, canon parings
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 38 - Words: 342,824 - Reviews: 4477 - Favs: 3,338 - Follows: 1,670 - Updated: 2/7/2011 - Published: 5/24/2010 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Darkly Treacherous by xxlostdreamerxz reviews
AU: What if Harry grew up neglected by his parents? What if he had been kidnaped by Voldemort and raised as his dark heir? Read and find out!
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 32 - Words: 84,624 - Reviews: 4355 - Favs: 3,855 - Follows: 3,593 - Updated: 12/27/2010 - Published: 8/17/2004 - Harry P., Voldemort
Lord of Caer Azkaban by Rorschach's Blot reviews
A letter causes Harry to learn some surprising things about his lineage, a different twist on the usual Harry in Azkaban story line.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 34 - Words: 119,393 - Reviews: 4783 - Favs: 7,191 - Follows: 3,907 - Updated: 12/14/2010 - Published: 10/24/2004 - Harry P., Hermione G. - Complete
For Duty and Honor by Bratling reviews
During Occulmency lessons in OOtP, Snape notices something... off in Harry's memories. Eventual SnapeadoptsHarry story. Nonslash, AU. Gen fic, no pairings. Does not take into account HBP.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Drama - Chapters: 17 - Words: 59,166 - Reviews: 1072 - Favs: 1,548 - Follows: 2,220 - Updated: 12/11/2010 - Published: 3/27/2006 - Harry P., Severus S.
Bitter Laughter by hewhoistomriddle reviews
Cleaning up and reposting. The dark!twin!Harry story that everyone feels they need to have their own version of.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 25 - Words: 71,043 - Reviews: 1589 - Favs: 1,484 - Follows: 1,793 - Updated: 9/24/2010 - Published: 9/21/2006 - Harry P.
Dark Chronicles by SylvanDreamer reviews
Being rewritten. Soon to be deleted.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 24 - Words: 90,519 - Reviews: 898 - Favs: 1,071 - Follows: 1,377 - Updated: 9/19/2010 - Published: 9/20/2006 - Harry P.
Unsung Hero by MeghanReviews reviews
There are two things to know about Harry Potter. One: He kicks ass. Two: No one cares. Why? Because Daniel Potter is the Boy Who Lived. Badass Horcruxes. A Year 7 fic with lots of twin fic elements. COMPLETED
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 51 - Words: 211,878 - Reviews: 6891 - Favs: 6,509 - Follows: 3,898 - Updated: 9/5/2010 - Published: 4/18/2006 - Harry P., Hermione G. - Complete
The Return of the Father by Stars Enchantress reviews
A summer storm ruins any plans that the occupants of the Burrow may have, but with it comes a unexpected arrival. With it, comes James Potter. Alive and well. Set after GoF.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Drama - Chapters: 43 - Words: 158,257 - Reviews: 3884 - Favs: 2,494 - Follows: 1,698 - Updated: 8/6/2010 - Published: 9/12/2004 - Harry P., James P.
Rules of the Game by margotllama reviews
AU. Harry, on the night the first letter came, was dumped by the Dursley's in London. Now, three months later, he is found and expected to lead a normal life at Hogwarts. But, where Harry Potter is concerned, can anything be normal? Mild abuse, neglect.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Drama/Humor - Chapters: 38 - Words: 115,222 - Reviews: 2234 - Favs: 2,139 - Follows: 2,857 - Updated: 7/24/2010 - Published: 9/11/2006 - Harry P., Severus S.
Learning to Breathe by onoM reviews
Harry Potter is 16 years old. He already defeated Voldemort, with the help of his Godfather Sirius Black. Now he is in for the biggest challenge of his life: attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 21 - Words: 151,978 - Reviews: 3361 - Favs: 3,598 - Follows: 3,272 - Updated: 7/19/2010 - Published: 8/31/2005 - Harry P., Ginny W.
Blind Faith: Slytherin's Heir by xyvortex reviews
Sequel to Blind Faith, Harry's second year at Hogwarts with new challenges. Something haunts the halls of the school, hunting down the halfbloods. Who is the Heir of Slytherin, and who will stop him?
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 15 - Words: 84,350 - Reviews: 1041 - Favs: 887 - Follows: 1,204 - Updated: 5/21/2010 - Published: 6/2/2005 - Harry P.
Being a Werewolf and Atlantian by The Corrupted Mind of Emmaline reviews
After a tragic incident, Harry runs away and finds himself in a village of an ancient race. Harry comes out in the open after 7 years only to be taken by werewolves. When he does make it to Hogwarts, how will the world deal with the wolf/Atlantian?
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,399 - Reviews: 20 - Favs: 47 - Follows: 92 - Published: 3/28/2010 - Harry P., Fenrir G.
Harry Potter and the Walking Shadow by Koinaka reviews
When Dumbledore shows up at the Dursley's front door to deliver Harry's Hogwarts letter, he is in for a surprise: for the last ten years, Harry has lived in a London orphanage, much like another dark-haired wizard. Is history doomed to repeat itself?
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 6 - Words: 24,303 - Reviews: 1035 - Favs: 1,684 - Follows: 2,184 - Updated: 3/19/2010 - Published: 9/24/2008 - Harry P.
For You I Will by leggylover03 reviews
Severus has never done anything for anyone, but what will he do for one small boy named Harry?
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Angst/Drama - Chapters: 89 - Words: 199,821 - Reviews: 3414 - Favs: 917 - Follows: 1,053 - Updated: 3/16/2010 - Published: 3/21/2007 - Harry P., Severus S.
To the Night by Alma Gloriosa reviews
HP/Twlight crossover. Ten years after Voldemort's defeat, Harry is captured while trying to expose the corrupt government. He escapes, planning to die in the process, but a group of vampires has other ideas. Harry/Carlisle
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 7 - Words: 32,586 - Reviews: 496 - Favs: 968 - Follows: 1,577 - Updated: 1/27/2010 - Published: 1/18/2009
The Forgotten Child by shampoo147 reviews
Harry was a forgotten little boy in the Potter Manor. The work of an odd mentor is enough for Harry to trod dangerous paths; hardly by his own will.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 12 - Words: 22,888 - Reviews: 318 - Favs: 298 - Follows: 550 - Updated: 12/24/2009 - Published: 6/3/2007 - Harry P.
Evolution by Twinheart reviews
SEQUEL TO EQUILIBRIUM-NOTE: ON TEMPORARY HIATUS. A mentoring relationship is developing between young wizard Harry Potter and his dour Potions Professor, Severus Snape. But away from Hogwarts, Harry’s life is not all it seems. Summer before Year Two.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 22 - Words: 109,115 - Reviews: 2192 - Favs: 1,587 - Follows: 2,427 - Updated: 12/17/2009 - Published: 4/4/2007 - Harry P., Severus S.
The Emperors of Washington by gallantcorkscrews reviews
Edward is a killer. But it can't be explained away by his vampire nature. He's just a sociopathic, human teenager. CAN I MAKE A LOVE STORY OUT OF THIS? ExB.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Horror/Romance - Chapters: 16 - Words: 36,778 - Reviews: 2532 - Favs: 1,793 - Follows: 1,044 - Updated: 12/4/2009 - Published: 8/27/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Not all Wounds are Healed by Time by irishgirl686 reviews
So, this takes place after Edward says his goodbye in New Moon. He allows one other person to see Bella before the Cullens leave, and it's Carlisle. Story continues from there. enjoy and review.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 42 - Words: 79,533 - Reviews: 2144 - Favs: 1,174 - Follows: 794 - Updated: 11/29/2009 - Published: 12/21/2008 - Bella, Carlisle - Complete
Maybe by Crash Hale reviews
Bella falls pregnant with her boss' child, a man old enough to be her father. He treats her differently after finding out about the pregnancy. He isn't the wonderful man she always thought he was. AH. Rated M.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 5,749 - Reviews: 64 - Favs: 143 - Follows: 31 - Published: 11/22/2009 - Bella - Complete
The Beauty and The Geek by vixen1836 reviews
Edward Cullen is a painfully shy intellectual desperately in love with his quiet, beautiful classmate Bella Swan. Slight Twilight Parody. Originally written for The Sexy Edward Contest. Expanded from one-shot to novella. RATED M. AU/AH/OOC. EPOV/BPOV.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 8 - Words: 56,932 - Reviews: 579 - Favs: 1,827 - Follows: 519 - Updated: 11/16/2009 - Published: 8/31/2008 - Edward, Bella - Complete
Earl of the North by Lord Silvere reviews
Harry is framed for the mass murder of Muggles after he deals Voldemort a stunning blow. He is sent to Azkaban where he and his cell mate, Bellatrix Black, begin to discover Harry's heritage and his potential power as they plot to escape.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 50 - Words: 187,938 - Reviews: 4175 - Favs: 5,688 - Follows: 2,950 - Updated: 11/14/2009 - Published: 1/6/2005 - Harry P., Bellatrix L. - Complete
Rising from the Ashes of Betrayal by Fire-Pawz reviews
Betrayed by his friends and sentenced to Azkaban. What will Harry do now that the war is over? Will he go back to those who betrayed him or will he continue running? AU Post OoTP
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Drama - Chapters: 25 - Words: 51,962 - Reviews: 1070 - Favs: 1,192 - Follows: 1,435 - Updated: 10/10/2009 - Published: 1/23/2005 - Harry P.
Courting a Mate by BonneNuit reviews
FenrirxHarry When Fenrir and the Death Eaters attack the Burrow, Fenrir kidnaps Harry and attempts to court him. Harry isn’t amused. Contains sex, violence and cursing. No underage readers. I've read the books but it's based off the movie scene.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 3 - Words: 7,258 - Reviews: 161 - Favs: 826 - Follows: 260 - Updated: 10/5/2009 - Published: 9/22/2009 - Fenrir G., Harry P. - Complete
In Memory I by becka reviews
Slash. What if someone followed Hagrid the night he delivered Harry to the Dursleys? How would Harry's life have been different? AU that follows Harry as he grows up with the abusive Dursleys, and continues to his time at Hogwarts.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 10 - Words: 73,039 - Reviews: 1645 - Favs: 2,741 - Follows: 2,551 - Updated: 9/8/2009 - Published: 11/9/2003 - Harry P.
A Whole Different Kind of New Moon by skeletoninme reviews
What if Carlisle had come back instead of Alice? What if Edward hadn't gone to Italy? What if Bella got over Edward? My first attepmt at Bella/Carlisle. Please read. : Help an author out? Please read. :D
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 28 - Words: 39,600 - Reviews: 864 - Favs: 407 - Follows: 492 - Updated: 9/3/2009 - Published: 7/16/2008 - Bella, Carlisle
Cullenary Educaton: Forks Sex Ed by MarcyJ reviews
Set at the End of Bella's Junior Year. Hilarity ensues when the Forks Gang is forced to endure Sex Education class with Coach Clapp. Chapter 1 is Jasper POV, and each subsequent chapter is from the perspective of a different character.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 6 - Words: 22,726 - Reviews: 2122 - Favs: 3,528 - Follows: 1,643 - Updated: 8/28/2009 - Published: 4/2/2007
Sacrifice by WingsOfADream reviews
A good Alpha puts the happiness and well-being of his pack before his own and Fenrir's no different, even if his pack consists of only one saviour of the Wizarding world. Fenrir/Harry SLASH
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 39 - Words: 233,345 - Reviews: 1428 - Favs: 1,662 - Follows: 765 - Updated: 8/15/2009 - Published: 5/24/2008 - Harry P., Fenrir G. - Complete
Wrong For Him by TanukiRaccoon reviews
Harry Potter scowled as he fisted his hands in his hair. Why was this happening to him? All he wanted to do was lose his virginity! But everyone was just, wrong. Perhaps he was being a little too picky? LVHP
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,513 - Reviews: 107 - Favs: 475 - Follows: 65 - Published: 8/14/2009 - Harry P., Voldemort - Complete
Eight by Lily Elizabeth Snape reviews
Eight year old Harry was cursed with rotten guardians. Snape is a wizard with an unusually cold disposition, which he has for a reason. Can Severus give the childhood he was never privileged enough to have to the little one?
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Angst/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 21 - Words: 41,399 - Reviews: 2193 - Favs: 2,012 - Follows: 1,844 - Updated: 8/12/2009 - Published: 8/8/2006 - Harry P., Severus S. - Complete
First Impressions by NoMoreThanUsual reviews
The day Bella went to the Cullens' home for the first time. Starting at Chapter 15 of Twilight from various Cullens' perspectives. This story is the behind the scenes look at the day Bella met the Cullens. What happened where Bella could not see them?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Family - Chapters: 5 - Words: 18,856 - Reviews: 338 - Favs: 400 - Follows: 306 - Updated: 8/10/2009 - Published: 7/22/2008 - Carlisle, Esme
Good Intentions by SheWolfe7 reviews
LVHPLM SLASH AU! Dark!Harry. Betrayed and imprisoned after Voldemort's defeat, Harry makes a wish to redo the War. A new world offers different challenges and choices. Use subtle manipulations from the shadows or brute displays of frightening power?
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 9 - Words: 106,289 - Reviews: 509 - Favs: 914 - Follows: 992 - Updated: 8/2/2009 - Published: 8/10/2006 - Harry P., Voldemort
Innocent, Vigilant, Ordinary by Oxymoronic8 reviews
ON HIATUS. Bella spent the first two years of her life in Forks slowly falling for Jacob. As her senior year begins, a new family moves to town and she begins to question the difference between what she thought she needed & what she never knew she wanted.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 35 - Words: 177,984 - Reviews: 5545 - Favs: 5,110 - Follows: 4,482 - Updated: 7/19/2009 - Published: 7/16/2008 - Bella, Edward
A Father's Sin by Severitus reviews
Secrets, prophecies, animagi, and the Serpent‘s Children--a dark secret is revealed that will change Harry and Snape’s lives forever. But will it be for good, or for evil?
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Horror - Chapters: 47 - Words: 173,409 - Reviews: 3988 - Favs: 2,430 - Follows: 1,242 - Updated: 7/9/2009 - Published: 1/18/2002 - Harry P., Severus S.
DID by dollegirl reviews
What happens when Bella saves Edward from the clutches of a skank in a coffee shop? He wants her to be his girlfriend of course! The problem is, they only just met. Will she say yes?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 10 - Words: 51,392 - Reviews: 2522 - Favs: 2,590 - Follows: 2,987 - Updated: 7/7/2009 - Published: 9/20/2008 - Edward, Bella
The Lie I've Lived by jbern reviews
Not all of James died that night. Not all of Harry lived. The Triwizard Tournament as it should have been and a hero discovering who he really wants to be.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 24 - Words: 234,571 - Reviews: 4016 - Favs: 6,915 - Follows: 3,217 - Updated: 5/28/2009 - Published: 2/9/2007 - Harry P., Fleur D. - Complete
In the Lives of Our Friends by Vampiremizuki reviews
Bella’s wedding with Edward is in mere weeks. While Edward is out hunting, Bella feels the void inside of her emerging from the shadow of her heart. When Bella gets hurt, who's there to help her? Carlisle/Bella fanfic by the way. CXB Renamed.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 5 - Words: 11,038 - Reviews: 67 - Favs: 32 - Follows: 58 - Updated: 5/16/2009 - Published: 7/2/2008 - Bella, Carlisle
Bittersweet Hurt by minerva-one reviews
Carlisle/Edward. This story examines the reasons why Carlisle made Edward a vampire - and the subsequent effect on their lives - the desire, the chaos, the hurt, the regret. Warning -- There will be sexual scenes. Drama, Angst, Desire, Sex, Slash
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama - Chapters: 12 - Words: 35,085 - Reviews: 374 - Favs: 278 - Follows: 205 - Updated: 5/9/2009 - Published: 1/26/2008 - Carlisle, Edward - Complete
The Truth of The Heart by child-of-scorpio reviews
Lily Evans has always, ALWAYS hated James Potter. So when they become Head Boy and Girl, nothing could be worse. But could working with him change Lily’s opinion? Has she been ignoring the truth in her heart all along?
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 36 - Words: 140,182 - Reviews: 2418 - Favs: 927 - Follows: 805 - Updated: 3/31/2009 - Published: 1/21/2005 - Lily Evans P., James P.
Better Be Slytherin! by jharad17 reviews
YEAR ONE COMPLETED! As a first year, Harry is sorted into Slytherin instead of Gryffindor, and no one is more surprised than his new Head of House. Snape mentors Harry fic.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Angst/Adventure - Chapters: 51 - Words: 175,130 - Reviews: 7578 - Favs: 6,222 - Follows: 3,720 - Updated: 3/17/2009 - Published: 8/20/2007 - Harry P., Severus S. - Complete
The Wild and Wacky Adventures of Edward in PE! by LindaRoo reviews
Hilarity ensues when Edward comes back at the end of New Moon and he and Alice get Mrs. Cope to change their schedules to put them in Bella's gym class. How can they appear human when their superhuman athletic aptitudes keep getting in the way?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Fantasy - Chapters: 12 - Words: 74,371 - Reviews: 1969 - Favs: 2,216 - Follows: 1,674 - Updated: 3/9/2009 - Published: 2/27/2007
Wicked Game by DaggersBloodPain reviews
Slash HPss When a darker and very Slytherin Harry Potter has his life at Hogwarts clash with his abusive past a certain muggle is given a taste of just why his parents always feared the boy with killing curse green eyes. Will there be death or redemption?
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Drama/Family - Chapters: 16 - Words: 30,768 - Reviews: 239 - Favs: 379 - Follows: 291 - Updated: 3/4/2009 - Published: 8/5/2007 - Harry P., Severus S. - Complete
Reunion, and Rebirth by Trinity's Mirror reviews
What of Logan's past? What connection does a young woman have to Wolverine, Magneto, and the dark mutants? NO SLASH WHATSOEVER! Logan does not appear immediately. Disclaimer: Some scenes are borrowed for content from the movies. I DO NOT OWN THEM! Got it?
X-Men - Rated: K+ - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 29 - Words: 18,660 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 2/16/2009 - Published: 10/3/2005
Keep Holding On by charming2drew reviews
Sequel to Double Looks. HPDM. Abuse. Harry must figure out how to retrieve everyones memories of last year, especially his loved ones.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Angst/Drama - Chapters: 8 - Words: 15,530 - Reviews: 541 - Favs: 381 - Follows: 765 - Updated: 1/26/2009 - Published: 4/16/2007 - Harry P., Draco M.
Doctors Day Off: a KittenMischief Contest Entry by NaughtypastryChef reviews
Carlisle and Edward go to medical school together. Edward brings Carlisle home for Thanksgiving. Sex follows. M/M interaction, very graphic!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 7,012 - Reviews: 85 - Favs: 262 - Follows: 47 - Published: 1/1/2009 - Carlisle, Edward - Complete
No Regrets by Toasted Crumpet reviews
SLASH "Somewhere down the line you've become important to me. I have never met anyone quite like you, Merlin. I doubt that I ever will meet anyone like you." His tone was uncertain as he looked up at Merlin. "I don't want to lose you."
Merlin - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,698 - Reviews: 24 - Favs: 63 - Follows: 10 - Published: 1/1/2009 - Complete
Christmas Drabbles by dorothywrites reviews
A set of four Christmas-themed drabbles focused around Edward/Carlisle. Each one is named after a Christmas song. Slash. Happy holidays!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,413 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 18 - Follows: 3 - Published: 12/23/2008 - Carlisle, Edward - Complete
Forever & Always by Rocker-Chick-12345 reviews
Almost everyone goes hunting, leaving Bella and Carlisle alone in the house. What will Carlisle think when Bella tells him that she doesn't love Edward? Bella/Carlisle. Don't like don't read!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,783 - Reviews: 73 - Favs: 111 - Follows: 27 - Published: 12/22/2008 - Carlisle, Bella - Complete
Mistaken Vows by twi-ction reviews
AU, Post New Moon. Three years after their departure from Forks, Bella turns up as one of Carlisle's intensive care patients with no family to claim her when she recovers. Will Bella tell Edward the truth of her recent past, or try to spare him the pain?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 19 - Words: 57,272 - Reviews: 1223 - Favs: 1,411 - Follows: 544 - Updated: 12/19/2008 - Published: 10/11/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Paging Doctor Cullen by Rosette-Cullen reviews
A favorite doctor and a favourite patient find themselves completing check-ups on a regular basis. CarlislexMe, just 'cause I can. Graphic, steamy, lemon, rated M for a very good reason.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,953 - Reviews: 97 - Favs: 170 - Follows: 33 - Published: 12/17/2008 - Carlisle - Complete
How Arthur Found Out by Morena Evensong reviews
When Arthur opened the door to his manservant's room, he certainly wasn't expecting to find what he did. Only slight spoilers up to episode 4. One-shot
Merlin - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 818 - Reviews: 52 - Favs: 182 - Follows: 28 - Published: 12/16/2008 - Complete
Unwrapped by JoVersify reviews
All Bella wants for Christmas is to be immortal and The Cullens are gonna give it to her! First fanfic foray - For jandco & WtVoC's A Very Cullen Christmas Contest. One-shot. Read this flaming pile of excrement at your own risk! TONS OF RIDICULOUS CITRUS.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 13,051 - Reviews: 171 - Favs: 325 - Follows: 75 - Published: 12/13/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Happy Birthday To Me by cdunbar reviews
All Bella wants for her birthday is to commemorate becoming a legal adult with her family physician. ...an OOC Carlisle/Bella one-shot.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 5,119 - Reviews: 214 - Favs: 612 - Follows: 120 - Published: 10/28/2008 - Bella, Carlisle - Complete
Dance! by Naia reviews
AU Hogwarts is the most famous ballet school of Europe, and Hermione is proud to be part of its graduating class. But this year, the young prodigy Harry Potter, son of two ballet stars is coming to Hogwarts... This is a year everyone will remember.
Harry Potter - Rated: K - English - Romance - Chapters: 12 - Words: 90,758 - Reviews: 1147 - Favs: 1,123 - Follows: 480 - Updated: 10/22/2008 - Published: 8/28/2003 - Hermione G., Harry P. - Complete
Whelp II The Wrath of Snape by jharad17 reviews
Soon after rescuing his 7yearold son, Harry, from the abusive Dursleys, Snape starts his teaching career at Hogwarts.Harry finds more ways to surprise his father, and a school full of students. Snape'll have his hands full. Warn:violence,chld abse.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Angst/Drama - Chapters: 24 - Words: 80,346 - Reviews: 2310 - Favs: 1,620 - Follows: 1,102 - Updated: 10/16/2008 - Published: 9/8/2007 - Harry P., Severus S. - Complete
My Jaded Saviour by Silver Bezoar reviews
Michael Potter is the BWL. Harry is saved from the orphanage by a reformed death eater.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Family - Chapters: 4 - Words: 18,371 - Reviews: 233 - Favs: 539 - Follows: 766 - Updated: 8/24/2008 - Published: 7/26/2008 - Harry P., OC
Elementary Calculations by kcourtkat reviews
After finding out about his magic earlier, a decidedly non-Gryffindor Harry Potter plots his way to success.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 13 - Words: 44,331 - Reviews: 1773 - Favs: 3,586 - Follows: 4,289 - Updated: 8/22/2008 - Published: 4/29/2008 - Harry P.
Too Late to Correct Your Mistake by Corwalch reviews
This is my take on the highly cliched Harry has a twin who is mistakenly declared the BWL and Harry subsequently is ignored by his parents until the truth comes out. Right now this is a one shot though that may change. Rated T just to be on the safe side.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,427 - Reviews: 384 - Favs: 1,884 - Follows: 698 - Published: 8/16/2008 - Harry P., Lily Evans P. - Complete
Black Lagoon by Extraho reviews
Harry has to accompany Dudley on a night out, little does he know he'll have a pretty good time himself. bit of cheek and plenty of smut. Enjoy! m/m slash Harry/Fenrir.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 5,134 - Reviews: 211 - Favs: 1,028 - Follows: 262 - Published: 8/2/2008 - Harry P., Fenrir G. - Complete
Sudden Changes by Dark-Shadow-Soul-Stealer reviews
AU:After being beaten and starved by his uncle, Harry leaves Privet Drive to spend the rest of his summer changing his appearence and attitude and is no longer the chess pawn he was made to be. Sarcastic and semidark Harry
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 14 - Words: 42,951 - Reviews: 381 - Favs: 502 - Follows: 772 - Updated: 7/24/2008 - Published: 6/8/2006 - Harry P., Severus S.
Aiding and Abetting by Calendulam reviews
Bella spends an evening with Emmett and Carlisle while the rest of the family is away hunting and Edward is decidedly unamused when Alice has a vision of what they're up to.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,308 - Reviews: 128 - Favs: 356 - Follows: 52 - Published: 7/18/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Why just best friends? by TheEmoSideOfMe reviews
Bella is from Germany and moves to live by her uncle Carlisle in Forks. Her parents were killed. Was there more? And can she ever trust someone again. Like the godson of Esme, that Edward boy? Rated M for safety. Story is going to be rewritten.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 4 - Words: 3,235 - Reviews: 171 - Favs: 40 - Follows: 73 - Updated: 7/15/2008 - Published: 8/7/2007 - Edward, Bella
Catch the Snitch by TeeNa3 reviews
James Potter and Lily Evans have the weirdest relationship in the school it's not a hatred, but also not a friendship, yet they spend a little too much time together... for obvious reasons. Rated R for sexual content, graphic sex scenes and language.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 10 - Words: 17,329 - Reviews: 153 - Favs: 309 - Follows: 183 - Updated: 7/15/2008 - Published: 9/14/2006 - James P., Lily Evans P. - Complete
Keeper vs Chaser: Game on by xmaraudergirlsx reviews
Being best friends with the opposite sex is always difficult. Anyone who's ever had feelings for their best mate will completely relate to this story. Oliver Wood isn't only thinking about Quidditch, so how does Katie Bell react?
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 10 - Words: 23,115 - Reviews: 192 - Favs: 69 - Follows: 111 - Updated: 7/8/2008 - Published: 10/28/2005 - Oliver W., Katie B.
Even Angels Fall by ArrogantKisses reviews
When things get a little messy in Forks, Bella runs into the arms of another vampire. How can she keep her forbidden feelings hidden? And, if she's allowed to act on them, how will this new relationship affect her favorite vampire family? BellaxCarlisle
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 10 - Words: 11,007 - Reviews: 81 - Favs: 32 - Follows: 62 - Updated: 7/1/2008 - Published: 4/10/2008
Prongslet by Japanime1 reviews
3-year-old Harry Potter, a rare and powerful Elemental Wizard, is abused by the Dursley’s and is taken to be raised by his Godfather Sirius and Remus. I know this has been done before, but I believe this one to be quite unique.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Family/Friendship - Chapters: 40 - Words: 143,007 - Reviews: 1733 - Favs: 1,200 - Follows: 982 - Updated: 6/27/2008 - Published: 3/26/2005 - Harry P., Sirius B.
Just After Midnight by margotllama reviews
AU. Just after midnight, in a hut on a rock in the sea, Harry Potter celebrated his eleventh birthday and, instead of Hagrid, was collected by Severus Snape to be brought into the world of magic. Mild abuse, neglect.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Drama - Chapters: 11 - Words: 33,612 - Reviews: 866 - Favs: 710 - Follows: 1,262 - Updated: 6/19/2008 - Published: 11/28/2006 - Harry P., Severus S.
Hush, Potter by Kyla Mizuki reviews
Severus is out making his rounds one night after curfew, looking for wandering students. Instead, he finds something is amiss. Harry needs saving, and Severus is the only one around to save him from his attacker. SSHP Rated for rape and language at times.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 30 - Words: 124,354 - Reviews: 975 - Favs: 850 - Follows: 429 - Updated: 5/16/2008 - Published: 6/17/2007 - Harry P., Severus S. - Complete
Invisibly Jaded by Quatreastrophe reviews
Story taken up by LightningHunter. See ch9 for more info. Everyone believes Harry’s twin vanquished Voldemort. As a small child, Harry believes he is unworthy, unwanted, and unneeded...but is he? At 16, after years away from home, not by a long shot!
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure - Chapters: 9 - Words: 23,762 - Reviews: 890 - Favs: 804 - Follows: 1,434 - Updated: 5/14/2008 - Published: 12/4/2005 - Harry P.
Discoveries by SlythCat19 reviews
In the summer after 4th year, Harry Potter's entire life is turned upsidedown and insideout by a letter from an unexpected source. Severitus attempt
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Drama - Chapters: 3 - Words: 3,022 - Reviews: 30 - Favs: 25 - Follows: 68 - Updated: 5/10/2008 - Published: 9/20/2007 - Harry P., Severus S.
Pantogogue by BC reviews
Slash SSHP. Severus' POV: Potter is changing in front of my eyes, gaining a disconcerting resemblance to Tom Riddle. As usual, it falls to me to save the brat... for the price of 'only' my soul.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 32 - Words: 136,985 - Reviews: 665 - Favs: 845 - Follows: 332 - Updated: 5/1/2008 - Published: 10/7/2007 - Severus S., Harry P. - Complete
Sanity is Relative by Coruscate Corruption reviews
Edward, Alice, Rosalie,& Emmett are best friends on one end of high school's social hierarchy. Bella and Jasper are on the opposite. Early in their junior year, Carlisle and Esme fall hard for each other and quickly become engaged. Chaos ensues. All human
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 4,939 - Reviews: 27 - Favs: 19 - Follows: 37 - Updated: 4/1/2008 - Published: 3/19/2008
Philologus by P.P.V.V reviews
COMPLETE! AU Welcome to H.W Academy, where manners exist and the nobility reside. It’s the only world James Potter knows, but when Lily Evans enters his life, that world is shattered. L/J He’s about to learn that there are some things money can’t buy. R/R
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 34 - Words: 184,698 - Reviews: 1948 - Favs: 1,093 - Follows: 519 - Updated: 3/22/2008 - Published: 3/27/2006 - Lily Evans P., James P. - Complete
Cadet Potter by loralee1 reviews
AU, The Dursleys send Harry away at the age of ten.
Harry Potter - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 4 - Words: 13,291 - Reviews: 576 - Favs: 1,028 - Follows: 1,685 - Updated: 2/26/2008 - Published: 7/1/2007 - Harry P.
Acceptance by enb2004 reviews
Snape mentors Harry. No slash! Snape rescues Harry from the Dursley's, only meaning to save the boy. But when they become emotionally attached, they find themselves in a constantly changing world, where acceptance and love are the only means to survival. Rewriting with LoveSnilyAlways.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 78 - Words: 92,531 - Reviews: 1301 - Favs: 610 - Follows: 123 - Updated: 2/11/2008 - Published: 3/25/2004 - Harry P., Severus S. - Complete
Medians and Curves by Shylee Taregan reviews
Subject to starvation, hatred, and abuse, young Harry Potter is finally left, beaten and alone, in an alleyway. Given no other choice, Dumbledore must put Harry in the care of his last remaining relative, his father, Severus Snape.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Hurt/Comfort/Tragedy - Chapters: 6 - Words: 19,823 - Reviews: 202 - Favs: 238 - Follows: 434 - Updated: 2/6/2008 - Published: 8/18/2007 - Severus S., Harry P.
The Wails of a Lion by Hope12 reviews
What if Harry's Brother was the 'boy who lived'. What if Harry was sent to live with his Abusive uncle and aunt. What would happen when he gets to Hogwarts meets his brother and finds out about the life he should have had?
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Angst/Adventure - Chapters: 11 - Words: 34,978 - Reviews: 415 - Favs: 339 - Follows: 609 - Updated: 2/2/2008 - Published: 4/5/2005 - Harry P., Albus D.
Tell Me Why by xmaraudergirlsx reviews
See how James and Lily work past their differences in a lovehate relationship and end up together! See what's really behind the jokes and sarcasm of Sirius Black, watch Remus trying to control everyone and trail Peter, the git!
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 38 - Words: 114,505 - Reviews: 303 - Favs: 98 - Follows: 85 - Updated: 1/15/2008 - Published: 8/17/2005 - Lily Evans P., James P.
The Keeper of Secrets by Star Polaris reviews
An old secret had been kept for many years, upon discovering it, Harry refuses to acknowledge it. But in the end, will he have a choice but to accept the truth?
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 40 - Words: 81,002 - Reviews: 1468 - Favs: 822 - Follows: 811 - Updated: 1/1/2008 - Published: 11/25/2003 - Harry P., Severus S.
Harry Potter and the Slytherin Prince by slingit reviews
Harry's sixth year starts with a horrible summer at the Dursleys. New friends, new loves, new lessons and new adventures await Harry at Hogwarts this year.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure - Chapters: 43 - Words: 272,145 - Reviews: 392 - Favs: 575 - Follows: 332 - Updated: 12/29/2007 - Published: 3/23/2006 - Harry P., Severus S. - Complete
For Her by Mrs Ronald Weasley reviews
Edward thinks too much. Bella overreacts. And Carlisle helps them accomplish something. Rating for threesome sexual content and slash. EdwardBellaCarlisle. EdwardCarlisle. Please read and review
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,025 - Reviews: 137 - Favs: 374 - Follows: 77 - Published: 12/24/2007 - Complete
A Part of Me by Kurinoone reviews
Harry tries to adjust to his new life without Voldemort. But sometimes your past refuses to stay in the past. Book Two of the Dark Prince Trilogy. H/G AU
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Angst/Adventure - Chapters: 44 - Words: 271,565 - Reviews: 5246 - Favs: 2,253 - Follows: 751 - Updated: 12/15/2007 - Published: 1/14/2007 - Harry P., James P. - Complete
A Warrior's Heart by Melinda Warren reviews
Dumbledore traded Harry, twin of the chosen one, in order to clear a debt, and told his parents that Harry died. Years later, Harry is spotted but he's changed, and is no longer the controllable child he once was. NO LONGER UPDATING!
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 5 - Words: 12,745 - Reviews: 321 - Favs: 449 - Follows: 846 - Updated: 12/13/2007 - Published: 6/29/2007 - Harry P.
Walk the Shadows by jharad17 reviews
AU. The summer after 5th year, Death Eaters find Harry abandoned in the Dursley house and bring him to Voldemort. Will one particular Death Eater give up his position and his hate to save his enemy's son? Snape mentors Harry fic. violence,chld abuse,rape
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Drama - Chapters: 44 - Words: 113,854 - Reviews: 2208 - Favs: 1,656 - Follows: 647 - Updated: 11/27/2007 - Published: 7/15/2007 - Harry P., Severus S. - Complete
The Wolf and the Sheep by Ruby-Castle reviews
What's a wolf to do when a sheep stumbles so willingly across his path?
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Drama - Chapters: 2 - Words: 17,746 - Reviews: 158 - Favs: 189 - Follows: 284 - Updated: 11/26/2007 - Published: 9/3/2007 - Harry P., Fenrir G.
The Morality of the Young by Renevatio reviews
AU. James and Lily surive attack on Oct. 31, 1981. They take Dumbledore's advice and still give Harry to the Dursleys. How will Harry grow up knowing that his parents willingly gave him up and they try to take him back into their life?
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst - Chapters: 3 - Words: 22,218 - Reviews: 85 - Favs: 108 - Follows: 308 - Updated: 11/16/2007 - Published: 6/28/2007 - Harry P., James P.
Red Sun Rising by Evandar reviews
AU. Raised in the Darkest part of London, Harry Potter is a Potions Master and far from an icon for the Light. The Order can't prepare for this. HPLV SLASH - NOW DISCONTINUED
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 25 - Words: 53,804 - Reviews: 1201 - Favs: 1,343 - Follows: 1,561 - Updated: 11/14/2007 - Published: 7/22/2005 - Harry P., Voldemort
Fallen Saviour by LordJahel reviews
taken over by "Wizmage" plz look to his profile for story updates. :
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Horror/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 3 - Words: 5,495 - Reviews: 44 - Favs: 63 - Follows: 100 - Updated: 10/13/2007 - Published: 10/4/2007 - Harry P., Ginny W. - Complete
Rise from the Ashes by Missy Padfoot reviews
HarrySeverus: Voldemort accidentally sends a twentyfive year old Harry Potter into another dimension, where he is five years old and in an abusive Dursley household. Slash, child abuse. Adopted from Karaii.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 6 - Words: 62,974 - Reviews: 182 - Favs: 263 - Follows: 453 - Updated: 10/1/2007 - Published: 8/7/2007 - Harry P., Severus S.
Edward's Dad by The Wolf Girl reviews
Something for all those Carlisle fans.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 399 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 4 - Published: 9/22/2007 - Carlisle, Edward - Complete
One's Most Hated Name by Forgotten Aspen reviews
Harry Potter’s younger brother, Mark was thought to be the prophesized child and Harry was left to the orphanage. Harry’s adventure as a first year student will turn for the worst as Voldemort tries and persuade Harry against his detestable family.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Angst/Adventure - Chapters: 20 - Words: 73,202 - Reviews: 1331 - Favs: 1,205 - Follows: 1,432 - Updated: 9/17/2007 - Published: 4/24/2005 - Harry P.
Emotions Within by BeForever reviews
As Bella spends more time at the Cullen's home, things begin to change like the evident rise in friendship between Carlisle and Bella, especially when he invites her on an assistance trip. EdwardxBella then CarlislexBellaxEdward R&R! Fanfiction Request!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,827 - Reviews: 42 - Favs: 22 - Follows: 47 - Published: 9/12/2007
Fugitives of Azkaban by BajaB reviews
A 'Harry goes to Azkaban' story. Convicted for releasing the Basilisk from the Chamber of Secrets, Harry is put into a cell next to the most feared wizard in the world, Sirius Black. AU 3rd year, canon pairings, no Deathly Hallows.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure - Chapters: 9 - Words: 65,347 - Reviews: 1007 - Favs: 2,271 - Follows: 1,050 - Updated: 9/11/2007 - Published: 6/15/2007 - Harry P., Sirius B. - Complete
Harry Potter: The Silent Halls Of Hogwarts by Shadow Gryffindor reviews
[AU] Harry Potter has lived alone on the streets of London for most of his life after being abused and abandoned by his relatives. He is found by wizards effectively in his Third Year and is taken to Hogwarts. He must overcome disability and work to catch
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 10 - Words: 65,783 - Reviews: 406 - Favs: 412 - Follows: 676 - Updated: 9/8/2007 - Published: 11/15/2006 - Harry P., Hermione G.
Whelp by jharad17 reviews
AU. Harry is 7 years old and treated literally like a dog by the Dursleys. Will he be rescued by the wizarding world? Will he ever be fit to take on the mantle of The Boy Who Lived? childfic, preHogwarts, sevitus. warning:extreme child abuse, violence
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Angst/Drama - Chapters: 27 - Words: 75,078 - Reviews: 1843 - Favs: 2,552 - Follows: 769 - Updated: 9/2/2007 - Published: 7/15/2007 - Harry P., Severus S. - Complete
We, In Faith by Elagabalus reviews
[AU] The world believes that Harry Potter died sixteen years ago while his parents survived. But with the Triwizard Tournament finally starting, why has this boy that looks so much like the Potters appeared? ON HIATUS
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 16 - Words: 116,244 - Reviews: 836 - Favs: 1,108 - Follows: 1,132 - Updated: 8/19/2007 - Published: 5/13/2005 - Harry P.
It Starts as a Summer by breannatala reviews
A Snape adopts Harry fic. 12 year old Harry is abandoned when the Dursleys go on vacation and Snape is persuaded to take harry in. From there, everything slowly changes. IN PROGRESS. Temp. Hiatus so I can finish planning and rewrite parts of the story
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Angst - Chapters: 20 - Words: 61,448 - Reviews: 652 - Favs: 463 - Follows: 676 - Updated: 8/8/2007 - Published: 2/4/2006 - Harry P., Severus S.
My Utmost for His Highest Part 1 by Bow-of-Bronze reviews
Starts right after OOTP. Harry refuses to stay with Snape over the summer and as they say, one thing leads to another...
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Angst - Chapters: 11 - Words: 17,835 - Reviews: 18 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 42 - Updated: 8/7/2007 - Published: 6/9/2006 - Harry P.
Nullifier by Aedalena reviews
Harry Potter, the first nullifier since Salazar Slytherin, doesn't feeling like playing the hero. But when he goes back to the time of the Founders to learn from Slytherin himself, he finds himself in the middle of a war, trapped by enemies old and new.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 13 - Words: 124,460 - Reviews: 809 - Favs: 1,116 - Follows: 932 - Updated: 8/6/2007 - Published: 4/28/2003 - Harry P., Salazar S.
Bring It On by Elven Dagger reviews
Nobody EVER pranks the Marauders, Evans," snarled James, looking so furious that even Lily felt scared for a moment, "I'll forgive you if you grovel. Now. If not...This-Means-War!" Lily simply looked at him coolly and said, very coldly,"Bring it on."
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 15 - Words: 108,261 - Reviews: 1629 - Favs: 1,193 - Follows: 708 - Updated: 8/4/2007 - Published: 9/30/2003 - James P., Lily Evans P.
The Marauders’ Years: Year Two by JadeyTheKitty reviews
The Marauders are back in the second installment of 'The Marauders' Years'. A year full of humor and mysteries await them as they try to discover Remus's most guarded secret.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 7 - Words: 16,476 - Reviews: 46 - Favs: 15 - Follows: 26 - Updated: 7/31/2007 - Published: 6/2/2004 - Sirius B., James P.
The Birds and the Bees by Tee2007 reviews
Carlisle has The Talk with Edward so things are sure to go awry! The new chapter is finally here, thank you for waiting so patiently. Coming up next is Alice and Rosalie having The Talk with Bella, so stay tuned! Rated T for suggestive situations!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 5 - Words: 7,989 - Reviews: 358 - Favs: 432 - Follows: 425 - Updated: 7/27/2007 - Published: 4/2/2007
When Phoenix's Cry by blueskywillow reviews
Sequel to The Magic Charm. With the end of the 'Magic Charm' project begins a relationship that sends Lily and James on a whirlwind of romance and drama. But there's a new project causing everyone to be in danger.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 8 - Words: 53,937 - Reviews: 139 - Favs: 51 - Follows: 45 - Updated: 7/20/2007 - Published: 5/28/2004 - Lily Evans P., James P.
Fun on the Inside by Inibrius reviews
*ABANDONED* Yet another Azkaban fic. How is Harry going to stay sane inside the joint? Rated T for language. No slash.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 11 - Words: 14,037 - Reviews: 100 - Favs: 105 - Follows: 183 - Updated: 7/16/2007 - Published: 6/5/2006
One's Soul, is another's profit by Alchemypoetry reviews
Anthro the next step in evolution. Meaning, born of a dragon. But what are you to do when your nothing but a slave,last of your kind, harboring so much hatred? Cloti
Final Fantasy VII - Rated: M - English - Romance/Horror - Chapters: 11 - Words: 37,823 - Reviews: 106 - Favs: 41 - Follows: 42 - Updated: 6/11/2007 - Published: 8/6/2006 - Cloud S., Tifa L.
Lily Evans A History by Bethany1 reviews
Updated 06.01.07 Lily's life from preHogwarts to marrying James Potter. Her relationship to her parents, her sister, her friends and the foursome that would change her life forever. PREOotP
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 56 - Words: 400,291 - Reviews: 1067 - Favs: 429 - Follows: 187 - Updated: 6/1/2007 - Published: 1/4/2003 - Lily Evans P., James P.
Desert Twilight by Rend reviews
After AC, Cloud is finally able to express his feelings towards Tifa. Eventually they both give into their desire for each other, a tale of love, lust, forgiveness and self discovery. Warning: rated for a reason.
Final Fantasy VII - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 12 - Words: 30,298 - Reviews: 276 - Favs: 115 - Follows: 86 - Updated: 5/21/2007 - Published: 5/22/2006 - Cloud S., Tifa L.
Pain, Love, and Protection by star2000shadow reviews
How would harry's life had been if he had defeated the dark lord witht he help of his twin sister, only for their twin brother to bet he one to be called the boy who lived? what happens whent he wizarding world makes a big mistake?/possible slash/
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Adventure - Chapters: 10 - Words: 28,776 - Reviews: 36 - Favs: 48 - Follows: 65 - Updated: 5/15/2007 - Published: 5/4/2007 - Harry P.
Missing by Rulern Av Ost reviews
AU. In a world where Harry as a twin, and where Voldemort died that night, Harry grows up with his parents and his brother. However, his parents never pays any attention to him, and has nearly forgotten him. Warning: Character Death. Oneshot.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,408 - Reviews: 258 - Favs: 841 - Follows: 144 - Published: 5/15/2007 - Harry P. - Complete
Harry Potter and the Power of Time by RossWrock reviews
Now AU, 6th Year, following OoTP. Tired of the way Dumbledore and the Order treat him, and ready to face his destiny, Harry dedicates long hours to muggle and magical training to take the fight to Voldemort for a change. Slight HPGW, not shippy though.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 29 - Words: 470,346 - Reviews: 4530 - Favs: 3,746 - Follows: 2,724 - Updated: 4/25/2007 - Published: 12/31/1969 - Harry P.
Double Looks by charming2drew reviews
HPDM. Alternate Universe. Harry is not the boy who lived, just a regular quiet abused kid with no friends. Until people suddenly want to know who he is as well as a certain Slytherin.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 32 - Words: 71,160 - Reviews: 1495 - Favs: 1,065 - Follows: 579 - Updated: 4/17/2007 - Published: 6/30/2006 - Harry P., Draco M. - Complete
A Delayed Reaction by Rebekahek623 reviews
Lily loves me, she's loved me since the day we met. She's just having a delayed reaction to the feeling, a REALLY delayed reaction...Stop Laughing Sirius! RE-WRITE TO MAKE IT BETTER IN PROGRESS! Up to Chapter 4
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 34 - Words: 52,037 - Reviews: 879 - Favs: 238 - Follows: 166 - Updated: 4/10/2007 - Published: 6/23/2005 - Lily Luna P., James P.
Equilibrium by Twinheart reviews
AU Snape.mentors.Harry fic. When Harry Potter comes to Hogwarts, Snape is forced to reexamine his initial impressions. Warnings: implications of : child neglect, abuse, manipulative Dumbledore, sedition. Not Canon.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 24 - Words: 74,846 - Reviews: 1256 - Favs: 2,394 - Follows: 653 - Updated: 3/29/2007 - Published: 10/20/2006 - Severus S., Harry P. - Complete
To the Gates of Hell by angels.on.strike reviews
Well we all know the chorus. Lily and James. I hope my story's different so just read it. Have stuck my own twist into it..a touch of Suba..so I suppose: Lily and James with a touch of Suba...r&r and make me happy :D
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 17 - Words: 34,489 - Reviews: 67 - Favs: 10 - Follows: 22 - Updated: 2/8/2007 - Published: 7/23/2006 - Lily Evans P., James P.
Tears on the Balcony by ByeByeBirdie reviews
Lily & James have hated each other ever since their initial meeting took a wrong turn. After a shocking goodbye at the end of their 6th year, are things going to be any different in the following year when they are forced to work together as Head Boy and Head Girl?
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 51 - Words: 522,299 - Reviews: 2802 - Favs: 1,536 - Follows: 543 - Updated: 2/4/2007 - Published: 12/23/2005 - [James P., Lily Evans P.] Sirius B., Remus L. - Complete
Shadow Boy by Pissed Off Poet1 reviews
Harry Potter could never be called normal. Not when he was abandoned by his parents when his twin brother was hailed the boy who lived, and definitely not when he returned fourteen years with three adopted brothers in tow, to rock Hogwarts world.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Drama/Humor - Chapters: 21 - Words: 52,363 - Reviews: 1525 - Favs: 2,366 - Follows: 955 - Updated: 1/27/2007 - Published: 10/1/2006 - Harry P. - Complete
Don't Let Your Guard Down by BackstabberEm reviews
It's 7th year of Lily and James's time at Hogwarts and they hate each other. But what happens when arrogant, outgoing James and sweet, shy, innocent Lily are thrown together as Head Boy and Head Girl and are forced to spend more time together? MWPP & Lily
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 40 - Words: 181,118 - Reviews: 1075 - Favs: 407 - Follows: 196 - Updated: 1/22/2007 - Published: 1/11/2006 - Lily Evans P., James P. - Complete
Nymphadora's Wolf by Queriusole reviews
Dialogs between Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks based on events in Book 6. Lupin and Tonks' encounters with Death Eaters, vorpal bunnies, ancient spirits, and rampaging goats. New edits, minor
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 6 - Words: 23,384 - Reviews: 119 - Favs: 53 - Follows: 17 - Updated: 1/15/2007 - Published: 10/30/2006 - Remus L., N. Tonks - Complete
Go With the Tide II: Seeing is Believing by Tantz reviews
After the events until Christmas, Voldemort has to surpass his own self to regain his status and destroy the Order of the Phoenix... Complete! With Epilogue!
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 21 - Words: 70,404 - Reviews: 789 - Favs: 597 - Follows: 99 - Updated: 12/30/2006 - Published: 6/7/2003 - Severus S., Harry P. - Complete
Go With the Tide by Tantz reviews
HPFA Winner of Best JKR Character portrayal, for Severus Snape! Snape retrieves an injured Harry from the Dursleys-- only this time, the damage is more permanent, and Snape is not prepared to be cuddly. Complete!
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 22 - Words: 71,461 - Reviews: 1642 - Favs: 1,956 - Follows: 281 - Updated: 12/30/2006 - Published: 2/13/2003 - Severus S., Harry P. - Complete
The Darkness Within by Kurinoone reviews
What if Wormtail hadn't told Lord Voldemort the Potters hideout. What if he took Harry straight to him instead? A Dark Harry fanfic. AU Mild HG
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Angst - Chapters: 65 - Words: 364,868 - Reviews: 6882 - Favs: 5,939 - Follows: 1,664 - Updated: 12/24/2006 - Published: 4/26/2006 - Harry P., Voldemort - Complete
Harry Potter and the Hero's Path by TheJackOfDiamonds reviews
AU Ritually abused by the Dursley's, young Harry Potter learns to count on himself. After discovering magic at a young age, he practices to become stronger to protect those weaker than him. Full Summary inside.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 23 - Words: 201,769 - Reviews: 3341 - Favs: 3,704 - Follows: 3,657 - Updated: 12/24/2006 - Published: 3/31/2006 - Harry P.
101 Responses To 'Go Out With Me, Evans' by Dudette13 reviews
All the way from 'No' to 'Yes', with 99 others in between. Because we all know that Lily would've liked to be original from time to time... There should be a question mark behind 'Evans'... R&R!
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,692 - Reviews: 219 - Favs: 494 - Follows: 52 - Published: 12/6/2006 - James P., Lily Evans P. - Complete
Irreversible Destiny by SheWolfe7 reviews
AU. HPLV. Dark!Harry. Severitus. Can someone's destiny really be set in stone? It's time for change, time for revolution and time for truths to be revealed. Freedom comes in many forms and Cyriacus Snape is about to usher in a new unexpected future.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 27 - Words: 254,006 - Reviews: 1305 - Favs: 1,959 - Follows: 675 - Updated: 11/30/2006 - Published: 12/11/2004 - Harry P., Voldemort - Complete
A Second Chance: The Rewrite by S.L reviews
The war in his world is over: Harry Potter, tired of fighting, uses a spell that will take him to a new world, where his parents, and friends are alive, but where he died as a baby. Is this new start too good to be true?
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Angst/Adventure - Chapters: 15 - Words: 86,251 - Reviews: 1861 - Favs: 2,264 - Follows: 2,472 - Updated: 11/27/2006 - Published: 11/29/2005 - Harry P., James P.
Silence by Alexiamorana reviews
Marauder years. Sirius comes across Severus alone in the library and a relationship ensues that has both questioning who they are. SSSB. M for sex and language.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 7 - Words: 8,800 - Reviews: 71 - Favs: 68 - Follows: 33 - Updated: 11/22/2006 - Published: 4/26/2006 - Severus S., Sirius B. - Complete
Or is that the way you’d want your fate to be? by SpookyClaire reviews
JD’s tried so hard to forget him past and just keep it behind him. But what happens when part of his past is admitted into the ICU?
Scrubs - Rated: T - English - Angst/Drama - Chapters: 10 - Words: 7,431 - Reviews: 83 - Favs: 24 - Follows: 35 - Updated: 11/14/2006 - Published: 5/13/2006 - Complete
Pain of the Innocent by DaggersBloodPain reviews
Complete. First story in the Innocent's trilogy. Harry Potter grows up abandoned by family and loved by Slytherins. How can the outcast of a perfect family be the savior everyone is looking for?
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Supernatural - Chapters: 14 - Words: 28,620 - Reviews: 288 - Favs: 556 - Follows: 257 - Updated: 11/4/2006 - Published: 5/30/2006 - Harry P., Severus S. - Complete
A Slytherin Aid by shadowsylvia reviews
Four years after the Final Battle, Snape finds out that he has a son. Liam, a young man with scars from the Final Battle, finds out that his biological father is alive. How will Liam cope?
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 13 - Words: 46,102 - Reviews: 191 - Favs: 110 - Follows: 100 - Updated: 9/28/2006 - Published: 1/18/2004 - Harry P., Severus S.
Neglected by doyouqueue reviews
Voldemort was after harry since he was 2. But harry has a brother, kevin, who is thought to be the one. Sirius neglects harry and takes more care of kevin. very angsty. no slash oh and there is a little dursley angst too. read please and review
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Angst/Drama - Chapters: 8 - Words: 18,457 - Reviews: 1000 - Favs: 601 - Follows: 526 - Updated: 9/17/2006 - Published: 4/9/2003 - Harry P., Remus L.
The Potters by Forky reviews
Voldemort's attack on the Potter's was utterly unsuccessful. However, Aurors recognized Harry's little brother to be TheBoyWhoConqured. The attack has left Harry blind. A story of neglect, discovery, and occasional love. My first summary, so try the story
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Angst - Chapters: 4 - Words: 11,640 - Reviews: 98 - Favs: 92 - Follows: 200 - Updated: 8/30/2006 - Published: 8/24/2006 - Harry P., Ginny W.
Mess by Kahlann reviews
Severitus challenge, with twists. Sirius' death reveals secrets best left unknown. Harry takes it upon himself to end Voldemort, but he doesn't know he still has a family who cares about him...
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 14 - Words: 36,567 - Reviews: 214 - Favs: 226 - Follows: 147 - Updated: 8/21/2006 - Published: 4/12/2006 - Harry P., Severus S. - Complete
Something More by CindyLuWho reviews
Sirius Black was everything Lily had ever dreamed of. So why is James Potter the one taking her breath away? Maybe Lily has finally found the something more she was looking for.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 23 - Words: 85,055 - Reviews: 1609 - Favs: 740 - Follows: 351 - Updated: 8/11/2006 - Published: 8/14/2003 - Lily Evans P., James P.
Harry's Last Hope by teachersnape64 reviews
The summer following Sirius death, Harry is filled with guilt. Snape helps him prepare for the battle of his life against Voldemort! Over 1,ooo,ooo hits! Harry rocks! Not a Severitus but close.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 53 - Words: 251,650 - Reviews: 2876 - Favs: 1,375 - Follows: 585 - Updated: 8/3/2006 - Published: 11/9/2005 - Harry P., Severus S. - Complete
Averto Vicis by Lady Smoothie reviews
AU, HBP Compatible: When Hermione dies in battle moments after her powers are awakened, Dumbledore utilizes a centuries old spell to send Harry back in time to his six year old self. By Aerin. [UPDATED AND ALIVE!][NEW CHAPTER: HALLOW'S EVE]
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 14 - Words: 45,797 - Reviews: 1625 - Favs: 1,449 - Follows: 1,605 - Updated: 7/26/2006 - Published: 3/13/2005 - Harry P., Hermione G.
One Blind House by DIY Sheep reviews
“The man is blind and crippled. How on earth did he manage to escape?” Cuddy threw her hands up in her trademark Houseian exclamation of frustration. “Oh forget I said that. This is House. We will probably find him halfway up Everest.”
House, M.D. - Rated: T - English - Angst - Chapters: 5 - Words: 7,696 - Reviews: 104 - Favs: 108 - Follows: 32 - Updated: 7/6/2006 - Published: 6/16/2006 - G. House, J. Wilson
Make A Wish by Rorschach's Blot reviews
Harry has learned the prophesy and he does not believe that a schoolboy can defeat Voldemort, so he decides that if he is going to die then he is first going to live.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 50 - Words: 187,589 - Reviews: 9149 - Favs: 10,651 - Follows: 2,898 - Updated: 6/17/2006 - Published: 3/23/2005 - Harry P. - Complete
From Hate to Love by angelstarshine reviews
Reposted and Revamped! Lily and James, the most wellknown enemies at Hogwarts. But when they are asked to represent their school in a wizarding schools delegation, sparks begin to fly.....
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 16 - Words: 28,800 - Reviews: 123 - Favs: 28 - Follows: 51 - Updated: 6/12/2006 - Published: 2/28/2006 - James P., Lily Evans P.
The Shortest Dark Harry Story Ever by Hybrid Blade reviews
This is just something to make fun of every Wannabe Dark Harry story i have ever seen. Contains pitiful Dark!Harry and Manipulative!Evil!Dumbledore.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,328 - Reviews: 60 - Favs: 36 - Follows: 7 - Published: 6/8/2006 - Harry P. - Complete
Going Once, Going Twice and In Love by Cherlemagne reviews
AU Story. Lily moves to London to start her new job. But the first night in her new flat is a disaster. Her neighbor plays piano at 3:30 in the morning! And her new colleague is... very sexy! Wow, 100 favs! Thank you!
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 6 - Words: 29,794 - Reviews: 117 - Favs: 159 - Follows: 59 - Updated: 5/16/2006 - Published: 9/3/2005 - James P., Lily Evans P. - Complete
Diaries of the Perfection of Sirius Black by Elven Dagger reviews
You will do well to note that these are probably the most historically important and perfect documents you will ever enounter. I graciously allow you to join me as I prank, babble and blither my way through school. I am Sirius Black and I am sexy.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 5 - Words: 11,363 - Reviews: 301 - Favs: 188 - Follows: 96 - Updated: 5/6/2006 - Published: 6/10/2004 - Sirius B.
Phoenix Song by WeasleyWife reviews
JamesLily fic starting during their 6th year and going up to their deaths. LoveHate galore! SiriusOC as well and some pretty fabulous subplots I'd say. Excitement for Remus and a bit of a delve into Peter. Rated R for language and sexual situations.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 47 - Words: 101,791 - Reviews: 435 - Favs: 238 - Follows: 179 - Updated: 4/16/2006 - Published: 8/1/2005 - Lily Evans P., James P.
The Student Of Merlin by SeraphZero reviews
AU Merlin has always been the greatest wizard in history. However, he never taught his magic to anyone else he buried his power along with his name. But what if he found the perfect student to teach? And what if it was Harry Potter?
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure/Fantasy - Chapters: 4 - Words: 27,175 - Reviews: 388 - Favs: 371 - Follows: 519 - Updated: 4/16/2006 - Published: 4/19/2002 - Harry P.
Moony's Furry Little Problem by fellytone reviews
In their second year, James, Sirius, and Peter follow Remus to find out where he goes every month.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 1 - Words: 5,415 - Reviews: 62 - Favs: 72 - Follows: 7 - Published: 4/10/2006 - James P., Remus L. - Complete
Virgin Lily by LilyTilyBoo KittyKattyBoo reviews
James Potter had made a bet that he could get laid by Lily Evans within 2 months, but one thing he didn't plan was falling in love with her, Will James lose a bet or Lily? JPLE
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 22 - Words: 37,872 - Reviews: 768 - Favs: 180 - Follows: 119 - Updated: 4/6/2006 - Published: 12/28/2004 - Lily Evans P., James P.
Nymph vs Wolf by Queriusole reviews
Lupin, Tonks, Black. Nymphadora Tonks and Remus Lupin learn to work together despite the fact they are each a thorn in the other's side. Another take on Book 5. Minor edits.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 15 - Words: 142,273 - Reviews: 524 - Favs: 242 - Follows: 79 - Updated: 3/22/2006 - Published: 9/8/2005 - Remus L., N. Tonks - Complete
Harry's Savior by shadowsylvia reviews
Harry is offered a way out of the Dursleys and a specialized education to be an Auror. The only catch...Voldemort.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 48 - Words: 174,082 - Reviews: 1386 - Favs: 1,094 - Follows: 320 - Updated: 1/24/2006 - Published: 12/17/2003 - Harry P., Voldemort - Complete
Lily Potter and the Worst Holiday by bobsaqqara reviews
AU Sixteen years to the day after her first born son was murdered, Professor Lily Potter must deal with the arrival of six unknown people. Post OotP. Reedited and reposted
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 4 - Words: 28,439 - Reviews: 700 - Favs: 3,669 - Follows: 691 - Updated: 12/2/2005 - Published: 7/10/2005 - Lily Evans P., Harry P. - Complete
Invictus by opalish reviews
Harry Potter disappeared from Privet Drive when he was six years old. Now, ten years later, he's been found...and he's not about to be anyone's hero. ON HIATUS.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 16 - Words: 92,894 - Reviews: 2434 - Favs: 2,772 - Follows: 1,723 - Updated: 11/21/2005 - Published: 1/22/2005 - Harry P.
Web of Lies: Revelations by Star Polaris reviews
Alec's year at Hogwarts can't be normal, after all, being the Harry Potter and posing as Albus Dumbledore's grandson is bound to bring trouble. Sequel to Web of Lies
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 46 - Words: 92,483 - Reviews: 3712 - Favs: 1,795 - Follows: 415 - Updated: 10/16/2005 - Published: 1/25/2004 - Harry P., Albus D. - Complete
Following the Natural Curve: Part Two by Bella5 reviews
After leaving Hogwarts, Lily Evans soon realizes that she must now face the realities of her world a world that is slowly being torn apart by the most feared Dark Lord in anyone's memory. But by keeping her friends close and keeping James even closer, sh
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 2 - Words: 12,746 - Reviews: 51 - Favs: 57 - Follows: 56 - Updated: 10/4/2005 - Published: 8/18/2005 - Lily Evans P., James P.
What You Wish For by chrissie0707 reviews
A suspected killer is free due to compromised evidence, and is now the number one suspect in a new murder, but did he commit the murders for which he was first accused? and who's trying to take out our favorite CSIs?
CSI - Rated: T - English - Suspense/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 19,358 - Reviews: 41 - Favs: 24 - Follows: 14 - Updated: 9/24/2005 - Published: 9/11/2005 - Complete
Priori Incantatem by fellytone reviews
Can James Potter, Marauder and troublemaker extraordinaire, ever convince Lily Evans, Prefect and good girl, that they were meant to be? Now complete!
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 64 - Words: 306,215 - Reviews: 4553 - Favs: 2,595 - Follows: 432 - Updated: 8/7/2005 - Published: 10/1/2003 - Lily Evans P., James P. - Complete
Finding a Father by Lil Padfoot17 reviews
[COMPLETE]What happens when Harry finds out that his father is alive? How about when said father is his hated Potions professor? Harry has to deal with the fact that he is a Snape while trying to cope with Sirus’ death in OotP. Summer before and during si
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Drama - Chapters: 24 - Words: 107,210 - Reviews: 340 - Favs: 318 - Follows: 88 - Updated: 8/1/2005 - Published: 12/26/2004 - Harry P., Severus S. - Complete
The Golden Years by lairy fights reviews
[JamesLily, SiriusRemus, FrankAlice] [WIP] As the Marauders enter their seventh and final year at Hogwarts, they have to struggle against death, destruction, and the raging war outside the castle walls to try and find their place in the world.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 14,078 - Reviews: 20 - Favs: 10 - Follows: 12 - Updated: 8/1/2005 - Published: 7/18/2005 - Lily Evans P., James P.
Is Just To Love by Lamina Court reviews
PreOotPSequel to TGTYEL We're back for 7th year with LJ, the Marauders, Jen, Mel, Ara, Gus, two new surprising teachers, and more! C'mon and have a laugh!
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 18 - Words: 179,469 - Reviews: 981 - Favs: 186 - Follows: 26 - Updated: 7/28/2005 - Published: 3/15/2003 - James P., Lily Evans P. - Complete
Somewhere I Belong II by shadowarwen reviews
COMPLETE...After Severus gets guardianship of Harry, things get strange. Harry's friend's are worried, the staff is confused, and Harry begins to have horrible visions. Snape becomes very defensive of his charge.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 25 - Words: 166,982 - Reviews: 2217 - Favs: 1,308 - Follows: 284 - Updated: 7/22/2005 - Published: 3/16/2004 - Harry P., Severus S. - Complete
Hero, Villain, Saviour, Conqueror by Lady Smoothie reviews
AU, Pre HBP: In the summer after his fifth year, Harry is tried and sent to Azkaban. The catch: He's innocent. Follow Harry as he discovers his heritage... and all that comes with it. By Aerin. [COMPLETE]
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 32 - Words: 82,570 - Reviews: 1721 - Favs: 1,910 - Follows: 567 - Updated: 7/18/2005 - Published: 1/23/2005 - Harry P., OC - Complete
Betrayed by kateydidnt reviews
In his fifth year Harry Potter was framed for murder and sentenced to Azkaban. Ten years later his innocence is proven. What will Harry do? Written PreOotP. COMPLETE!
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 26 - Words: 102,138 - Reviews: 3659 - Favs: 5,119 - Follows: 972 - Updated: 7/15/2005 - Published: 4/1/2003 - Harry P. - Complete
Harry Potter and the Battle of Wills by Jocelyn reviews
PostOOTP, Snape blows his cover as a spy to save Harry from Voldemort. To win the war, even those who loathe each other must unite, and many lessons are learned in the process. COMPLETE!
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 51 - Words: 356,457 - Reviews: 5951 - Favs: 2,983 - Follows: 554 - Updated: 7/12/2005 - Published: 11/27/2004 - Harry P., Severus S. - Complete
Comforts from the Unexpected by Firestar08 reviews
[Winner of Best WiP GFA Award]The story begins with a fire at the Dursleys & Harry is locked in his cupboard. Rescued by a spiritual presence, he is sent to stay with a certain Potions Master, bringing in a new range of adventures. Suicide attempts, abuse
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 43 - Words: 110,063 - Reviews: 1668 - Favs: 756 - Follows: 428 - Updated: 6/30/2005 - Published: 1/11/2004 - Harry P., Severus S.
Resonance by GreenGecko reviews
Year six and Harry needs rescuing by Dumbledore and Snape. The resulting understanding between Harry and Snape is critical to destroying Voldemort and leads to an offer of adoption. Covers year seven and Auror training. Sequel is Revolution.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Drama - Chapters: 79 - Words: 528,272 - Reviews: 4560 - Favs: 3,665 - Follows: 645 - Updated: 6/27/2005 - Published: 3/29/2004 - Harry P., Severus S. - Complete
Surprises Galore by Frolicking Bananas reviews
[Complete]What happens when Jess goes back to her hometown in Indiana after living in Florida for five years? Will she meet up with Rob and her family and friends or will she avoid them? And what happens when a psycho serial killer wants revenge?
1-800-Where-R-You - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 15 - Words: 18,017 - Reviews: 154 - Favs: 49 - Follows: 22 - Updated: 6/3/2005 - Published: 3/2/2005 - Complete
Two as One by trainerker reviews
First Fanfic. Complete! Sara is on a case that hits a little too close to home when she is forced to take in a child that has many similarities to her. CS Friendship, SaraGreg, CW implied.
CSI - Rated: T - English - Drama - Chapters: 26 - Words: 41,562 - Reviews: 204 - Favs: 91 - Follows: 19 - Updated: 5/24/2005 - Published: 4/15/2005 - Sara S., Greg S. - Complete
The Trials of the Force by OklahomaHero reviews
My first fanfic. Please feel free to give some criticism. Set in the Star Wars story, a young Jedi padawn prepares to face the trials on Yavin 4.
Star Wars - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 1 - Words: 854 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 5/20/2005 - Published: 5/6/2005
Reconciliation by PhoenixAlthor reviews
Ok, what happens if you put two enemies in a locked room? There is no way of getting out unless a miracle happens like the both of them forgetting their differences. What if these two people were James Potter and Lily Evans? James loves Lily but she hate
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 6 - Words: 36,847 - Reviews: 32 - Favs: 23 - Follows: 11 - Updated: 5/12/2005 - Published: 7/16/2004 - James P., Lily Evans P.
Following the Natural Curve: Part One by Bella5 reviews
Lily Evans believes her life is over when she finds out during the summer before her seventh year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry that none other than James Potter, a.k.a. the king of arrogant, bullying toe rags, will be starring opposite he
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 8 - Words: 62,726 - Reviews: 159 - Favs: 120 - Follows: 28 - Updated: 4/25/2005 - Published: 9/22/2004 - Lily Evans P., James P.
The Evening After The Day Before by Uh.yeah reviews
Short Valetine's Day one shot. Sickeningly cheesy. Basically fluff. R & R if you think you can stand the cliches... ; )
1-800-Where-R-You - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,083 - Reviews: 37 - Favs: 10 - Follows: 4 - Published: 4/24/2005 - Complete
Unforgivable Sinners 2 The Past Never Forgets by Cmdr. Gabe E reviews
The sequel to Unforgivable Sinners. Yuriko, Stryker and Logan's pasts are soon to be revealed. Where will this journey to the past take them? How will it end once they rediscover themselves? Will they hold on to the past, or move on to a new future?
X-Men: The Movie - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 44 - Words: 135,400 - Reviews: 130 - Favs: 19 - Follows: 7 - Updated: 4/23/2005 - Published: 8/22/2004
Defence Against the Dark Creature by Allemande reviews
All my life I have been shunned, unable to find paid work because of what I am. Remus has given up all hope of ever leading a normal life. But when he gets a job as a teacher for lycanthropic children, he must face his past and demons inside him...
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Drama - Chapters: 13 - Words: 72,316 - Reviews: 240 - Favs: 188 - Follows: 20 - Updated: 4/12/2005 - Published: 9/13/2002 - Remus L., Sirius B. - Complete
Just a Face On a Train by katheryne reviews
After rescuing a train from Doc Ock's attack, Peter Parker found himself unmasked and indebted to those he had just saved. 4 months later, a train passenger again crosses paths with the young hero. Based on events from SpiderMan 2.
Spider-Man - Rated: K - English - Sci-Fi - Chapters: 5 - Words: 11,504 - Reviews: 486 - Favs: 2,045 - Follows: 238 - Updated: 3/24/2005 - Published: 10/13/2004 - Complete
Potter's Charm by Secret Lily reviews
Lily thinks herself too clever to fall for James Potter's charm. Yet, as the two of them are appointed Head Boy and Girl, will Lily regret her negative feelings towards James? (Completed)
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 50 - Words: 74,668 - Reviews: 1693 - Favs: 629 - Follows: 83 - Updated: 3/19/2005 - Published: 7/8/2004 - Lily Evans P., James P. - Complete
Lily and James: Their Story of Love by Secret Lily reviews
Lily and James' 7th Year. The couple died young and together to protect their son. It makes you wonder about the things they had to live for. (Completed)
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 60 - Words: 106,032 - Reviews: 973 - Favs: 341 - Follows: 55 - Updated: 3/2/2005 - Published: 4/21/2004 - James P., Lily Evans P. - Complete
Learning Curve by jjonahjameson reviews
In this beginning, the Web-Slinger had a few things to learn about protecting his city-and his city had a few things to learn about him! COMPLETE!
Spider-Man - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 14 - Words: 45,273 - Reviews: 173 - Favs: 79 - Follows: 12 - Updated: 12/30/2004 - Published: 6/30/2004 - Complete
Curse of the Banshees by Sheyda reviews
(Title-changed) AU. GoF. Harry was sent to Azkaban for mass-murder. Now, after defeating Voldemort he returns to Hogwarts and all those who abandoned him. Sorrow can be your downfall or your greatest strength. And banshees are just the beginning.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Angst/Fantasy - Chapters: 17 - Words: 77,602 - Reviews: 1732 - Favs: 1,484 - Follows: 1,053 - Updated: 10/27/2004 - Published: 4/1/2004 - Harry P.
Pride & Perseverance by Madame Daphne reviews
Lily Evans and James Potter were destined to be together. But here is the story that explains how destiny helped two polar opposites to attract. Starting in fifth year and rated for language.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 5 - Words: 7,463 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 10/22/2004 - Published: 8/4/2004 - Lily Evans P., James P.
After the Dawn: The Philosopher's Stone by WolfMoon reviews
Part two of the After the Dawn Saga, showing Harry's first year in Hogwarts after being raised by his godfather instead of the Dursley's. Read After the Dawn: The First Years first! Making friends, new and old, learning lessons somewhat differently
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 31 - Words: 100,085 - Reviews: 1721 - Favs: 544 - Follows: 127 - Updated: 10/16/2004 - Published: 1/10/2004 - Harry P., Sirius B. - Complete
The Life of Lily Evans & James Potter at Hogwarts by EW4eva reviews
This is a story of Lily and James as they go through their 7 years at Hogwarts it tells of how Lily hated James, and what James did to get Lily to like him. This story follows OotP.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 23 - Words: 43,211 - Reviews: 131 - Favs: 22 - Follows: 11 - Updated: 9/26/2004 - Published: 5/23/2004 - Lily Evans P., James P.
Pensieve by Oy Angelina reviews
She's a Prefect, He's a Marauder; and falling in love might be the best thing that ever happened to either Lily or James. Set during their 6th Year with the rest of MWPP. RATED PRE-OotP - story content may not follow canon revealed in Book 5
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 39 - Words: 403,195 - Reviews: 1714 - Favs: 1,029 - Follows: 202 - Updated: 9/1/2004 - Published: 12/9/2002 - James P., Lily Evans P.
Fugitive Prince by March Madness reviews
A prophecy stretches war a decade too long, ending with the Potter’s second son flourishing while the first suffers a dark life of ignominy. Harry Potter now rests in the hands of Fate as he’s forced to prove his worth to a world that doesn't care to
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Tragedy - Chapters: 21 - Words: 217,193 - Reviews: 1298 - Favs: 1,356 - Follows: 694 - Updated: 8/31/2004 - Published: 6/5/2002 - Harry P.
Unforgivable Sinners by Cmdr. Gabe E reviews
Yuriko Lady Deathstrike surfaces from the Alkali Lake Base,wounded and barely alive. She finds an unconscious battered man on the shore of the lake--- Stryker. Will he be the key to her and Logan's past? What is the role of the X-Men?
X-Men: The Movie - Rated: T - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 53 - Words: 120,764 - Reviews: 207 - Favs: 34 - Follows: 6 - Updated: 8/22/2004 - Published: 5/30/2004
The Story Continues by Scarlet reviews
My novelization of the first SPIDER-MAN movie was so popular I've been inundated with mail asking "Where's the one for SM2?" Well, here it is. Read, Review, and Enjoy!
Spider-Man - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure - Chapters: 2 - Words: 71,556 - Reviews: 26 - Favs: 23 - Follows: 1 - Published: 8/14/2004
The Magic Charm by blueskywillow reviews
Lily and James haven't seen each other for a few years and when they run in to each other again things turn passionate. What happens when James has to leave? Will they meet again? Please Read and Review!
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 7 - Words: 40,888 - Reviews: 199 - Favs: 117 - Follows: 18 - Updated: 6/29/2004 - Published: 6/7/2003 - Lily Evans P., James P. - Complete
In Every Darkness by WolfMoon reviews
-Complete- Following The Death Harry is feeling angry, helpless, and forgotten as he must spend the summer with the Dursley's once again. But Harry is about to discover that in every darkness shines a light- All he has to do now is find it.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Angst - Chapters: 91 - Words: 218,625 - Reviews: 4635 - Favs: 1,104 - Follows: 239 - Updated: 6/7/2004 - Published: 8/30/2003 - Harry P. - Complete
The Basement by Marz1 reviews
AU third year. I must have a sign on my back that says psycho paths please attack me. I would not put it beyond Dudley to afix such a sign to me, but I doubt he could spell it accurately enough for a psycho to understand.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 27 - Words: 80,802 - Reviews: 1359 - Favs: 1,009 - Follows: 171 - Updated: 5/30/2004 - Published: 12/2/2003 - Harry P., Sirius B. - Complete
Somewhere I Belong by shadowarwen reviews
COMPLETE, SEQUEL POSTED...Severus Snape discovers a hidden truth about Harry's home life. And decides to take matters into his own hands.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Angst - Chapters: 17 - Words: 55,355 - Reviews: 2022 - Favs: 1,985 - Follows: 347 - Updated: 3/7/2004 - Published: 4/13/2003 - Harry P., Severus S. - Complete
The Marauders’ Years: Year One by JadeyTheKitty reviews
The first year of Hogwarts for the group that will become known as the four Marauders.
Harry Potter - Rated: K - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 17 - Words: 28,005 - Reviews: 36 - Favs: 27 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 2/27/2004 - Published: 9/13/2003
Redemption by krtshadow reviews
COMPLETE! Harry Potter has spent six years in Azkaban. Now, Dumbledore, Black and Lupin are here to retrieve him, now certain of his innocence. Will they be too late to save Harry's sanity? And if so, what does this mean for the world? AU after year 4.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 32 - Words: 100,077 - Reviews: 3553 - Favs: 5,289 - Follows: 943 - Updated: 2/12/2004 - Published: 8/16/2003 - Harry P. - Complete
Web of Lies by Star Polaris reviews
After GoF Harry is feeling depressed, seeing how the Dursley are treating him, Dumbledore decides to take him in. To which lengts will the headmaster go to insure their safety?
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 41 - Words: 66,718 - Reviews: 2134 - Favs: 1,925 - Follows: 320 - Updated: 1/18/2004 - Published: 12/15/2002 - Harry P., Albus D. - Complete
After the Dawn: The First Years by WolfMoon reviews
AUHarry raised by Sirius Voldemort has fallen, the wizarding world is celebrating. But little Harry Potter, their hero, has disappeared after he was taken to his aunt and uncle, and Sirius Black was never caught …
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 15 - Words: 43,462 - Reviews: 962 - Favs: 707 - Follows: 166 - Updated: 1/8/2004 - Published: 11/15/2003 - Harry P., Sirius B. - Complete
What's The New Girl's Name? by Bloody Faery Wings reviews
Ending :(! Lily used to be fat, clumsy, and shy, Now she's just . . . well, not fat. James notices her. To top everything thats happening she just found out she's a- READ! HAHA! LJ ALL THE WAY!
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 17 - Words: 40,535 - Reviews: 664 - Favs: 104 - Follows: 30 - Updated: 10/23/2003 - Published: 1/1/2002 - James P., Lily Evans P.
Beyond Boundaries by Rachel A. Prongs reviews
Harry held a secret his entire life. Being framed for murder in his fifth year, he escapes. Returning, he’s another, and now Voldemort has a surprise for him. Now he must come to terms with his past, present, and future, if he wants to survive.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 18 - Words: 100,969 - Reviews: 680 - Favs: 790 - Follows: 166 - Updated: 10/19/2003 - Published: 12/5/2002 - Harry P., Hermione G. - Complete
Promises Unbroken by Robin4 reviews
Sirius Black remained the Secret Keeper and everything he feared came to pass. Ten years later, James and Lily live, Harry attends Hogwarts, and Voldemort remains…yet the world is different and nothing is as it seems. AU, updated for HBP.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 41 - Words: 170,882 - Reviews: 2833 - Favs: 2,064 - Follows: 259 - Updated: 10/6/2003 - Published: 2/24/2003 - Sirius B., Remus L. - Complete
Still Waters by Miran Anders reviews
COMPLETE! Professor X calls in a counselor to help with Logan's memory problems. Rated for innuendo, difficult situations.
X-Men: The Movie - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 12 - Words: 17,993 - Reviews: 18 - Favs: 10 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 9/25/2003 - Published: 9/3/2003 - Complete
Finding Yourself by slytherinsela reviews
severitus challenge As new and sudden information comes to light, the life of Harry Potter is changing- Snape is his father, Voldemort is on the move, and Fudge is a complete moron...FINISHED!
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 37 - Words: 63,279 - Reviews: 1001 - Favs: 545 - Follows: 89 - Updated: 9/14/2003 - Published: 2/17/2003 - Harry P., Severus S. - Complete
Hogwarts Pie by LavenderBrown reviews
COMPLETED! Epilogue added! Harry needs help...with women. Guess who comes along to help him out? Rated R for sex--lots of it--and language. HG pairing. FLUFF! Please RR!
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 19 - Words: 54,907 - Reviews: 539 - Favs: 668 - Follows: 86 - Updated: 9/9/2003 - Published: 8/28/2003 - Harry P., Ginny W. - Complete
The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn by Lamina Court reviews
PreOotP LilyJames in 6th year. Humour, love, anger, saddness, laughter, Quidditch, Hogsmeade, death, more laughter... Give it a try, won't you?
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 30 - Words: 140,096 - Reviews: 881 - Favs: 335 - Follows: 31 - Updated: 3/8/2003 - Published: 10/13/2002 - James P., Lily Evans P. - Complete
Deep Inside he Cried by moon-dragon3 reviews
Harry is abused by the Dursleys but won't tell anyone. Snape helps him. Finished! Please Read and Rate!
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Angst/Drama - Chapters: 30 - Words: 34,127 - Reviews: 944 - Favs: 396 - Follows: 93 - Updated: 11/22/2002 - Published: 10/14/2002 - Harry P., Severus S.
The Sacrifice by Jen K reviews
MJ listens to a message on her answering machine that reveals the truth about Peter. But is someone else close to discovering his secret?
Spider-Man - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 13 - Words: 13,878 - Reviews: 146 - Favs: 31 - Follows: 8 - Updated: 11/17/2002 - Published: 5/25/2002
What If? by Spunky reviews
What would have happened if Hagrid had given Harry to Sirius that fateful Halloween night?
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure/Suspense - Chapters: 8 - Words: 21,606 - Reviews: 818 - Favs: 123 - Follows: 54 - Updated: 11/9/2002 - Published: 2/4/2001 - Harry P., Sirius B.
Days Gone ByAre They Really Gone? by Someone2 and Krazy Kris reviews
*Chapter 11 up now* Sorry about the wait. Please R/R!!!! This is about a 19 year old Harry going back in time to teach during his parent's 7th year. Full summary inside. This is just by me!~s2
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 11 - Words: 41,612 - Reviews: 1015 - Favs: 261 - Follows: 163 - Updated: 10/25/2002 - Published: 5/7/2001
The Thin Line Between by Beatriz reviews
{Cloti - Cloud/Tifa} {No Aeris bashing - promise} After Meteor and Sephiroth were destroyed, Cloud Strife left everything and everyone he has ever known to figure out where he stood. 2 Years Later he returns, realizing things have changed. R+R *Complete*
Final Fantasy VII - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 21 - Words: 73,551 - Reviews: 188 - Favs: 84 - Follows: 16 - Updated: 8/29/2002 - Published: 4/15/2002 - Complete
The Rivalry of James and Lily by Heraclas reviews
L/J fic mwpp - Your two favorite characters go at it love/hate style! Entire story being completely revised for your review-friendly convenience.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Mystery - Chapters: 24 - Words: 52,062 - Reviews: 505 - Favs: 40 - Follows: 11 - Updated: 8/3/2002 - Published: 1/28/2001 - James P., Lily Evans P.
Get Sirius by EntreNous reviews
James and Lily are anxiously expecting the new baby, but Sirius doesn't quite echo their excitement. What does a guy have to do to become a godfather around here? Complete, subject to later revisions. PG for mild language.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Drama/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 10,560 - Reviews: 87 - Favs: 144 - Follows: 7 - Published: 1/9/2002 - Sirius B., James P. - Complete
Waking Dreams by FireofSaturn reviews
This is my first try at a romance between my fave couple of Logan and Ororo. Storm doesn't realize her true feelings for Wolvie 'til she is transported (sorta) to a world where she finds out what she's been missing.
X-Men - Rated: K - English - Romance - Chapters: 3 - Words: 3,511 - Reviews: 17 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 8/28/2001 - Published: 8/10/2001
Operation Overkill by Blok-Writer reviews
Bond is forced to stop an arms runner from plunging the Caribbean into turmoil. A heady mix of action, sex and violence awaits Bond. Takes some aspects of the Bond books and films and hopefully mixes the two together. Let me know what you think, all const
James Bond - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 7 - Words: 9,797 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 8/21/2001 - Published: 7/10/2001
The Price of Love by KhakiGrrl reviews
How strong is Marie's mutation and what will Logan do to save her? (Part 15 of 15 is new)
X-Men: The Movie - Rated: T - English - Drama - Chapters: 15 - Words: 30,155 - Reviews: 104 - Favs: 33 - Follows: 8 - Updated: 6/10/2001 - Published: 5/19/2001 - Wolverine, Rogue
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Crossing The Line reviews
Edward and Jasper are out hunting when a hiker passing by causes Jasper to lose control. Trying to hold him back, Edward gets entangled in something completely different. Slash! Graphic lemon! Edward x Jasper.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,212 - Reviews: 22 - Favs: 91 - Follows: 13 - Published: 8/11/2009 - Edward, Jasper - Complete
Lycanthropy Fever reviews
Fenrir/Harry: Harry gets lycanthropy poisoning in the summer after fifth year, but he’s not yet fully werewolf. When Death Eaters enter Hogwarts- Greyback sets his sights on an emotional exhausted Harry. And so the battle of gaining control of him begins.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 2 - Words: 6,579 - Reviews: 150 - Favs: 273 - Follows: 565 - Updated: 7/20/2009 - Published: 1/24/2009 - Fenrir G., Harry P.
Blurred Boundaries reviews
The Peak District, 1924. Carlisle has struggled for six years to hide his growing feelings for Edward. Alone in the mountains, can he find the love he so desperately seeks? Carlisle/Edward! Smut!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,623 - Reviews: 40 - Favs: 90 - Follows: 15 - Published: 4/14/2009 - Carlisle, Edward - Complete
A Lover's Coronation reviews
When Arthur is found in bed with a visiting Lady, questions are raised for both Merlin and Arthur as to just what they feel for each other. Admitting it though, is difficult even if they both feel the same way. Merthur!
Merlin - Rated: K+ - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,984 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 78 - Follows: 9 - Published: 1/24/2009 - Arthur, Merlin - Complete
Not A Monster, My Love reviews
Carlisle/Edward. They were close once, intimate even, but now they've drifted apart. When Carlisle comforts Edward, that love is re-ignited and the passion flares again. Slash and sexual content.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,590 - Reviews: 48 - Favs: 113 - Follows: 8 - Published: 12/25/2008 - Carlisle, Edward - Complete
Child Of The Light, Prodigy Of The Dark reviews
Harry is overlooked as his twin brother Caleb is heralded as the Boy Who Lived. Determined to be better than Caleb and with an IQ that’s off the scale, Harry is left to his own devices to try and reach his full potential. Which side will he choose?
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 7 - Words: 43,375 - Reviews: 679 - Favs: 1,624 - Follows: 2,109 - Updated: 12/11/2008 - Published: 6/14/2008 - Harry P.
Hidden Feelings, Buried Love reviews
Lily and James have always been friends, but that doesn't mean they understand each other. So what will it be like to work together?
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 8,081 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 4 - Published: 10/1/2006
They Say The Dead Will Never Rise reviews
Chaos rules as Voldemort returns to the height of his power 17 years ago. To defeat Voldemort once and for all, Harry will have to find something that even the Dark Lord can't handle. But what if this something is in the Land of the Dead...
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Adventure - Chapters: 1 - Words: 5,089 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 7 - Published: 7/11/2006 - Harry P.
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