Author has written 8 stories for Harry Potter, Twilight, and Merlin.
Seen as you've taken the time to come here, you probably want to know something about me...
I'm female and i live in England (the best place to be of course).
Favourite TV shows: HOUSE MD (best show E.V.E.R.), CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, CSI:NY, The Bill, Doctor Who, Torchwood, QI, Have I Got News For You, Friday Night With Jonathan Ross, Top Gear, My Family, Heroes, Never Mind The Buzzcocks, Merlin, Outnumbered, Mock The Week, Grand Designs, Not Going Out, Would I Lie To You?, Greys Anatomy, Glee.
Favourite food: Chinese
Favourite music: everything :) i like musicals though so i'm always listening to soundtracks
Instruments i can play: Piano, Drums, Guitar, Saxophone.
On to pairings: i like both slash and het and most pairings are fine with me but i do HATE harry/hermione.
Current fave pairings: Fenrir/Harry & Voldemort/Harry (AKA Tom/Harry), Carlisle/Edward, Carlisle/Bella, any of the cullen men with each other.
Best Friend: Sarah (penname: maomai) who introduced me to practically everything i'm interested in. She's amazing:):):)
Things that get on my nerves: Disorganisation, stupidity, bad grammar and spelling.
~~If anyone was wondering about my other two fics, (not Child Of The Light, Prodigy Of The Dark, the other ones), well they're not gonna be finished. For the first one i lost my plan and the other one was just boring.~~
Seeing as right now i'm into quotes, i'll leave you with a few (and i use that term loosely) that i like:
1. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
2. We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police.
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like grandfather...not screaming like the passengers in his car.
4. Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
5. Who ever said anything was possible never tried nailing jello to a tree.
6. "I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell cant paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college-ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that paper up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say "oh shit , I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, asshole."
7. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
8. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
9. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
10. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
11. They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
12. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
13. Buy one for the price of two and get the second one free!
14. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is. It's always room-temperature.
15. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together
16. The road to hell is ordered by the righteous, planned by the well-meaning, and paved with their good intentions.
17. Always be who you are. Those who matter don't care and those who care don't matter.
18. If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it.
19. Good judgement comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgement.
20. Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.
21. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. - Louis Hector Berlioz
22. Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
23. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch
24. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
25. Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.
26. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
27. It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.
28. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
29. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson
30. What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
31. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
32. Lies are like children: they're hard work, but it's worth it because the future depends on them. -- Pam Davis, House M.D., It's A Wonderful Lie, 2008
33. The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.
34. Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
35. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
36. The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
37. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
38. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
39. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
40. The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'. - Robin Williams
41. That which doesn't kill you...will probably try again.
42. Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
43. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
44. I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!
45. Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
46. The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
47. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown
48. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. - Lily Tomlin
49. When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein
50. He who laughs last didn't get it.
51. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. - Stephen Fry
52. There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
53. Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...
54. "Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757
55. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
56. There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? - Woody Allen
57. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
58. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. - Woody Allen
59. Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions. - Woody Allen
60. I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying. - Woody Allen
61. How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? - Woody Allen
62. I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. - Woody Allen
63. I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. - Woody Allen
64. I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. - Woody Allen
65. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. - Woody Allen
66. I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. - Woody Allen
67. I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night. - Woody Allen
68. I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. - Woody Allen
69. I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. - Woody Allen
70. Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth. - George Burns
71. A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible. - George Burns
72. Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman— or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle. - George Burns
73. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. - George Burns
74. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx
75. Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere. - G. K. Chesterton
76. It's not paranoia if they really are out to get you
77. Don't be so humble - you are not that great. -- Golda Meir
78. When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
79. Work is the curse of the drinking class.
80. I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving.
81. There's nothing more restful than taking orders from fools.
82. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
83. It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.
84. I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.
85. I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
86. I worship the ground that awaits you.
87. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
88. The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
89. The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. - General George Patton
90. We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
91. I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant.
92. We are the people our parents warned us about.
93. Attention to health is life greatest hindrance. - Plato
94. Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible.
95. The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, i'll never be as good as a wall. - Mitch Hedberg
96. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? - Steven Wright
97. Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them! - Optemist
98. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue. - Anonymous
99. The latest new dance craze is called, The Politician. It's two steps forward, one step backward, and then a sidestep. - Government
100. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. - Anonymous
101. Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. - Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
102. Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic. - Dan Rather
103. If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score? - Vince Lombardi
104. Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. - Rick Cook, The Wizardry Compiled
105. Not every story has explosions and car chases. That's why they have nudity and espionage. - Bill Barnes and Gene Ambaum, Unshelved, 09-14-08
106. If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity. - Bill Vaughan
107. If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost £100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. - Robert X. Cringely, InfoWorld magazine
108. The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. - Samuel Johnson
109. A friend helps you up when you fall, a best friend continues walking while saying, "Walk much dumbass?"
110. A friend gives you their umbrella in the rain a best friend takes yours and say, "RUN, -BEEP- RUN!"
111. A friend wipes your tears when you’re rejected, a best friend goes up to him and says, "It's because your gay isn't it?"
112. A friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend would be in the room next to you saying, THAT WAS AWESOME , LETS DO IT AGAIN!!
113. "Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the Universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a chair has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch it to be sure."
114. "Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence."
115. "You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder."
116. The diference between humor and tragedy is that humor is when it happens to someone else."
117. "Who ever said that words don't hurt never got hit by a dictionary."
118. Don't let your mind wander, Its too little to be let out alone.
119. "The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music. "
120. "War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left. "
121. We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
122. Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.
123. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them as much.
124. A repair shop: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
125. An apple a day keeps the doctor away... if you throw it hard enough.
126. Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it. - Unknown
127. I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. -- Jackie Mason
128. We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.
129. There are 350 varieties of shark, not counting loan and pool. -- L. M. Boyd
130. My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. -- Benjamin Disraeli
131. Things could always be worse; for instance, you could be ugly and work in the Post Office. -- Adrienne E. Gusoff
132. Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
133. They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse.
134. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
135. Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
136. There is nothing more demoralizing than a small but adequate income.
~MY 9 NAMES~
1. YOUR REAL NAME
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME:
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME:
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME:
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME:
6. YOUR SUPERHERO NAME:
7. YOUR IRAQI NAME:
8.YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME:
9. YOUR GOTH NAME:
... What NOW there are no more instructions?
When I first saw you,
I was afraid to meet you.
When I first met you,
I was afraid to kiss you.
When I first kissed you,
I was afraid to fall in love with you.
Now that I've fallen in love with you...
I can only pray not to lose you.
The Wonders Of Fanfiction profiles:
Proof that women are evil:
As any male can attest to, women are, most simply, time and money:
Women = time x money
(We know that time is money so, )
Women = money x money
Women = money squared
(We also know that money is the root of all evil,)
Money = square root of evil
Money squared = evil
(And if women = money squared)
ERGO, Women = evil
~ Credited to Simon Singh
Handling Kids is Easy.
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
The Best of Bumper Stickers.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her . . . or something like that.
Keep honking while I reload.
If we are what we eat; I’m cheap, fast, and easy.
Bad Cop! No Donut!
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
I love cats . . . they taste just like chicken.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
Tow-ers will be violated.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Wink, I’ll do the rest!
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there’s a will, I want to be in it!
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
My karma ran over my dogma.
Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
Forget about World Peace . . . Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edekasion.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying, ‘Nice, doggie!’ . . . 'till you can find a rock.
Things to Ponder:
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
So, what's the speed of dark?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why does an "X" stand for a kiss?
Why are the copyright dates on movies and television shows written in Roman numbers?
Why the sun lightens our hair, But darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara, with their mouth closed?
Why you don't ever see the headline: 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why you have to click on 'Start', to stop Windows 98?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a 'Broker'?
Why there isn't mouse flavoured cat food?
Who tastes dog food when it has a 'new & improved' flavour?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
TOP TEN Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk At Work:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a fifteen minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken . . ."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot . . ."
And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.
1. " . . . AMEN!"
25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
19. My mother taught me ESP.
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
In Case You Need Further Proof That The Human Race Is Doomed Because Of Stupidity, Here Are Some Actual Label Instructions On Consumer Goods:
On a Myer hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".
On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap".
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost".
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down".
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating".
On a Korean kitchen knife: "Warning: keep out of children."
On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body".
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness".
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".
On a Japanese food processor:"Not to be used for the other use".
On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts".
(Talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".
Many English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners:
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. (Ahh, true love!)
RULES FOR LIFE AT HOGWARTS
1) Seamus Finnigan is not after my lucky charms.
3) "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
4) I will not sing "We're Off to See the Wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office.
5) I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
6) I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.
7) Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.
8) Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
9) First years are not allowed to be fed to Fluffy.
10) I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his "Time of the Month."
11) I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they're real animals.
12) I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.
13) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
14) When Death-Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout, "To the Bat Mobile, Robin!"
15) When a class-mate falls asleep, I shall not take advantage of the fact and draw a Dark Mark on his arm.
16) It's not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes house points from Gryffindor.
17) Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is simply coincidental.
18) I will not call the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Kenny. Even if he is wearing an orange anorak.
19) I will not refer to the Weasley Twins as "bookends."
20) I will not dress up in a Dementor's suit and use a dustbuster on Harry's lips to make him do what I want.
21) I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.
22) I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells shouting, "I got the power!"
23) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights who say Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have students yell "Ni!" from various directions. (Highly inappropriate, albeit very funny.)
24) I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance when I enter a classroom.
25) Its not necessary for me to yell "Bam!" every time I apparate.
26) I will not steal Griffyndor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallway.
27) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music when wandering the halls.
28) "To conquer the earth with flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.
29) I am not allowed to begin Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes."
30) I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs.
31) The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife.
32) "Draco Malfoy, Take it up the arse" is not an acceptable Quidditch chant.
33) I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.
34) I am not Allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot, gay sex will occur.
35) It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall that she takes herself too seriously.
36) "Ya'll check this shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that I am about to conduct an experimental spell.
37) I will not say the phrase, "Dude, get a life," to Voldemort.
38) I will not offer to pose nude for Collin Creevy. (He will take you up on it.)
39) I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.
40) Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks, and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists, or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present . . .
The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No," and shoot him. On second thought, I'll shoot him, then say, "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet, civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large, red button labeled, "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisers will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of a cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 1:17 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence, "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisers, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mindset.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line, "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colours, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harbouring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, naked mole rat, or whatever sickeningly-cute, little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of scepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say, "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an adviser says to me, "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?" I will reply, "This," and kill the adviser.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artefact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says, "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!", I will say, "Oh well," and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However, before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artefacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child adviser will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisers ask, "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a fire fight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment Room.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super-weapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisers assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old adviser can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror, "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be, "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the twelve Stones of Power on the sacred altar, then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of, "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I capture the hero's super-weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
Graceful Little Alice=
Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?
Girl: Do you like me?
Girl: Do you want me?
Girl: Would you cry if I left?
Girl: Would you live for me?
Girl: Would you do anything for me?
Girl: Choose--me or your life.
Boy: My life.
The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says . . .
“The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind. The reason why I don't like you is because I love you. The reason I don't want you is because I need you. The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left. The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you. The reason why I'm not willing to do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you. The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life."
I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.
Parents spend the first part of a child's life teaching them to walk and talk. The second half is teaching them to sit down and shut up.
Well, paint me purple and call me Barney.
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
You think I'm crazy? At least I admit it.
Thanks, Stephenie, now I'll never find a man.
They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill to many people.
You know there are poor people in Africa who can't afford sarcasm and yet you abuse it.
Officer, I swear to drunk I'm not God!
I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money!" (George Carlin)
“Last night, I dreamt I was eating a ten-pound marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.”
"I stopped fighting with my inner Demons. We're on the same side, now."
"If you can't laugh at yourself, I'd be happy to do it for you."
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE . God is watching."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor..' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
To all Eragon lovers: Read this. Warning! Eldest spoilers
A boy of foggy origins lives with his uncle in a remote place of a vast empire headed by an evil Emperor and his right hand man, who was once prominent in an ancient order of guardians with mystical powers. Through fate or luck, depending on your point of view, this boy comes into the possession of an object vital to a rebellion against the Empire; this object was inadvertently sent to him by a princess in the rebellion, who had attempted to send said object to an old man who once belonged to the same order of guardians as the Emperor’s right-hand man.
This boy seeks the old man to learn of the ways of this ancient order, but eventually has to return to his uncle’s farm, which, the boy finds, has been destroyed by fire, and his uncle killed. The boy then sets off with the old hermit, who also gives him a sword which belonged to his father. As they travel, they train. The boy meets up with a rogue who is full of surprises, but turns out to be fiercely loyal, for all his proclaimed selfishness. The boy also sees a beautiful woman imprisoned and in need of help.
The boy decides that he needs to rescue her, even though he doesn't know her; furthermore, he thinks of her only as beautiful. Long story short, the old hermit dies to protect the boy, the boy and the rogue help the beautiful damsel escape. They then set off to the rebellion to give important information and return the object which the princess had sent the boy. They were followed by the Empire, and prepare for a giant battle that will either save the rebellion or annihilate them. The boy proves his worth with heroics during the battle, but his crowning achievement is his destruction of a noun of much power that has the ability to destroy lots of things.. The boy is aided in this by one of his friends, who arrives at precisely the right moment. The boy is lauded a hero.
The boy has a hallucination of a powerful master who can teach him more of the ancient order. The boy travels to the powerful master to learn the ways of the ancient order's mystical power. While there, he grows very powerful. While he is away, the Rebellion regroups in a new area.
Just when the boy is on a roll with his training, and has grown very powerful, he has a vision of his friends in great danger. He decides he must go to help them. His master warns him not to go. The boy promises that he will return. He leaves. He finds his friends just in time and is able to distract the enemy so that his friends will remain safe. He finds out that his father was the right-hand man of the Emperor--his father was the one who betrayed the ancient order and helped kill them.
The boy is shocked and ultimately defeated, but not killed. He finds out that someone dear to him has been taken by evil people, and promises to find this person.
Now, is that the plot of Inheritance, or Star Wars?
"We could all take a lesson from crayons: some are sharp, some are beautiful, some have weird names, all are different colours, but they still learn to live in the same box."
Heaven doesn't want me, and Hell is afraid I'll take over.
"Let's eat grandpa!!"
"Where am I to go, now that I've gone too far?"
My best friends are the kind that if my house were on fire, they'd be roasting marsh mellows and flirting with the firemen. Oh, you think I'm kidding.
"Good friends will pick you up when your down, BEST FRIENDS will push you back down and laugh"
"Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty. Me? I just want to know who the hell is drinking my damn beer."
Since Edward is a perfect angel, and God created angels, and Carlisle created Edward (into a vampire), God is Carlisle. That and when every one of us woke up and saw Carlisle, we thought he was God. And God (Carlisle) said, "Let there be Edward," . . . and it was good.
It's true, Edward Cullen prefers brunettes. Sorry, Barbie, you aren't Bella, and Edward isn't your Ken.
Even if the voices aren't real, they got some great ideas.
Sometimes I get the urge to run around naked . . . but then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.
What not to say to the police: "You're not going to check the trunk, are you?"
Oh my God, look at you! Was anyone else hurt in the accident?
Some call it stalking; I call it love.
I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE, is when it's weird.
"You really should stay away from me. See you in class." -Edward
"Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that, my children, is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies." (Johnny Depp in 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory'.)
"Emmett's the strongest, Edward's the fastest, but Jasper can sit alone in a corner and still make people jealous." -(DelilahTCullen)
-Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect - and I didn't live to be. But before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean.- (Bob Marley)
-When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end.- (Twilight, prologue.)
-Boys in books . . . are just better.-
-I have more fictional boyfriends than you do. Beat that!-
-It's funny how someone can break your heart and you still love them with all the little pieces.-
-Happiness. It made the whole dying thing pretty bearable.- (New Moon)
-The best things in life aren't things.- (Art Buchwald)
-Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
-There's that one quote, 'when I'm around you the sky is a different blue'. What happens when I'm around you . . . the goddamn sky is grey?-
-So here's to teenage romance, and not knowing why it hurts like hell.-
-It's sad when people you know, become people you knew . . . When you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life. How you used to be able to talk for hours, and now . . . you can barely even look at them.-
-After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist finally said to me, "Maybe . . . life isn't for everyone." -
-You want a song of glory? Well I'm fucking screaming it at you.- (Box Full of Sharp Objects by The Used)
-Falling in love was the best idea I ever had.- (Same song as above.)
“My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.”
~ All I ask for is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy!
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried slamming a revolving door.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.
"It's always the last place you look." Well, duh!! Why would I keep looking after I found it, smartass!!
If con is the opposite of pro, is "Congress" the opposite of "progress"?
"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog." --Mark Twain
"Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes."
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
Things I Learned From Twilight!
4. Nothing beats an irritable grizzly bear.
Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.
Education is important. Although school is another matter entirely.
Music is love in search of words.
I used to be normal, until I met those freaks I now call my best friends.
I ran with scissors and lived!
I don't obsess. I just think intensely.
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
When life gives you lemons, throw them back and demand Edward.
The knack of flying is attempting to fall . . . and missing the ground.
Somebody needs a happy meal.
I find the phrase "Good Morning" an oxymoron.
Having the love of your life say "we can still be friends," is like your dog dying, and your mom saying you can keep it.
Your just jealous that the little voices are talking to me.
I knew something was wrong when my imaginary friends would talk to me.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems.
"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense." - Tom Clancy
Writing is a socially accepted form of Schizophrenia.
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned
Being weird is like being normal, only better.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
I'm not littering . . . I'm donating to the Earth.
Life is like a pack of gum . . . I've yet to figure out why.
Be insane . . . Because well behaved girls never made history.
You call me a "B." Well a "B" is a female dog. A dog barks. Bark is on trees. Trees are a part of nature. Nature is beautiful. So thanks for the compliment. :)
My knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminium foil.
Never knock on Death’s door. Ring the doorbell and run away; he hates that.
Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.
Last night I looked up at the stars and matched each star to a reason I loved you. I was doing fine 'till I ran out of stars.
To the world, you are just one person, but to one person, you are the world.
One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh, he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
Person #1: Happiness is just around the corner!
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.
"They always say that a murderer is a loner; Well, of course he is a loner! HE HAS BEEN KILLING PEOPLE!!"
I may be drunk, but you are ugly and in the morning I will be sober.
If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance . . . Baffle them with bullshit!
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
One out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
The more I learn about people the more I like my dog.
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
"They say 'guns don't kill people; people kill people,' but I think guns help. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you would kill too many people. Do you?" --A Flaming Moo
I'm a little teapot short and stout. Here is my handle here is my . . . Well I’ll be damned. I'm a sugar bowl.
Chuck Norris has a nightlight--not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Therapist = The/rapist . . . Scary thought.
Remember what you just said, because tomorrow I am going to have a witty and sarcastic comeback and you'll be devastated then!
"I know water doesn't bite! What a stupid thing to say! Water doesn't have to bite you! You drown in it, you moron!" -Stewie Griffin
Muffins are just ugly cupcakes . . . but we love them anyways.
It is wise to walk a mile in a man's shoes before judging him . . . That way you're a mile away and you have his shoes.
At my lemonade stand I used to give away the first glass for free, and charge five dollars for the refill. It contained the antidote.
People who say it can't be done should not interrupt those of us who are doing it.
You can't wait for inspiration; you have to go after it with a club.
Asking a writer what he thinks about criticism is like asking a lamppost what it thinks about dogs.
My friends are the type of people who would try to drown a fish, but I love them anyway.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
Ooooo . . . A life. Where can I download one?
I apologize, do you want me to mean it too?
The dinosaurs extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.
Doctors say I have multiple personality disorder. We disagree with that.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
"If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail”. -David Brent-
I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not.
The TRUTH is that everyone's going to hurt you . . . You just have to decide who is worth the pain.
"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, and the lesson afterwards." - Vernon Law
"Right now I have amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before." - Steven Wright
"I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my super powers."
Palm Reader: -Gasp- "You're going to die. But don't worry, you'll live through it."
"In a world of nonsense, everything something is, it isn't, everything it would be wouldn't, and everything it would be, was."
"Excuse me. Have you seen my sanity? I think I've lost it . . . "
"I used to care, but I take a pill for that now . . ."
"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
If the first grape you eat is bitter, then you won't bother eating grapes again. If the first grape you eat is a sweet one, then you are willing to search through all the bitter grapes until you find another sweet one.
Why is it when we're talking to God, we're praying, but whenever God talks to us, we're crazy?
The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first.
". . . Which left Harry free to sit down on the grass between the beech and bushes and watch the foursome under the tree." ~JK Rowling
"Personally, I'd have welcomed a dementor attack. A deadly struggle for my soul would have broken the monotony nicely." ~Sirius
"'. . . when it appears, it is always equipped for the seeker's needs. Dobby has used it, sir,' said the elf, dropping his voice and looking guilty, 'when Wink has been very drunk.'" ~JKR
I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor"--a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck, my friends, for I may not return alive.
Slinky + Escalator = Endless Fun!
Sometimes I wonder, "Why is the Frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.
One day, Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem: My husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones had winked off again. However, this time, the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who then yelled, "You stick that god damned thing in me one more time, and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
You know your stressed out when you can hear mimes.
(On a T-Shirt.) Who are you, and why are you reading my shirt?
A conclusion is what you reach when you get tired of thinking.
Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there!
Normal people worry me.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
People say that I have totally lost it. I wasn't even aware I had it.
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in," when it's
In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
"Cheese . . . Milk's leap toward immortality."
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize. Oh, man . . . I could be eating a slow learner." -Lyndon B. Johnson
(On a shirt.) Abreadcrumb & Fish
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia. Definition? The fear of long words. Ahh, the irony.
Life isn't a garden, we don't need hoes.
Bush & Israeli Mossad
After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama bin Laden is still alive', Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own hand writing to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, and then to MI6. Eventually they asked the Mossad (Israeli intelligence) for help. Within a minute the Mossad emailed the White House with this reply:
'Tell the President he's holding the note upside down.
Teaching Maths Through The Ages
1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for 1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price.
What is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for 1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price, or 800.
What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for 1000.
His cost of production is 800.
Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for 1000.
His cost of production is 800 and his profit is 200.
Your assignment: Underline the number 200.
5. Teaching Maths In 2008
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of 200. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?
There are no wrong answers.
(If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counselling will be available)
6. Teaching Maths 2018
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من>
الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟
The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for 10. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR 10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is ... Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery & even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Murder or Suicide:
The Strange Death of Ronald Opus
On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency.
As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
Ordinarily, a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide. That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
An elderly man and his wife occupied the room on the ninth floor, whence the shotgun blast emanated from. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger. He completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject' A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B'. When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore, the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.
So the case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now here comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.
The son had actually murdered himself, so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
Q. What did the number 0 say to the number 8?
Q. Why did the chicken cross the Moebius Strip?
Q. Why did 5 eat 6?
An assemblage of the most gifted minds in the world were all posed
Did you hear about the statistician who used to go out with
The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out
There are only 10 types of people in the world —
Q. Why did the programmer confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Pie are square? No! Pies are round. Cornbread are square.
Subatomic particle shop SALE
Q: What's big and white and roams the sea endlessly?
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man answers using the loud speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only 1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 model. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'Really? Go for it.'
WOMAN: 'Thank you honey.'
MAN: ' Make sure you get it with all the options!'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing ... the house we wanted last year is back on the market.'
MAN: 'Well then, go ahead and give them an offer.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you!'
MAN: 'Bye, I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!' Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon them, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?
'Very Well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:
"It'sa illegal to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the German says unbelievingly.
"Look at ze papers: zis car is designed to kerry 5 persons."
"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian.
"Quattro meansa four. You hava 5 people ina your car and you are thereforea breakinga tha law!."
The German driver is angry, - "You idiot! Call ze supervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!."
"Sorry", says the Italian, "he can'ta come. He's a busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno..."
Credit Crunch Humour
How do you define optimism? A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.
What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? The pizza can still feed a family of four.
As a surprise, a chief exec's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating: '. . . and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.'
Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning? Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
Q: What's the difference between a merchant bank and Katie Price?
A: Both are institutions whose reputation is built on assets that, on closer inspection, turn out to be entirely artificial, vastly over-inflated and in danger of going through the floor at any moment. But at least Katie Price is still worth something.
What do you call five hedge fund managers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon? The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari.
A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic. Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: 'What's the hold-up?' The policeman replies: 'The Prime Minister is so depressed he's stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. 'He says no one believes he can get us through the credit crunch. So we're taking up a collection for him.' The lobbyist asks: 'How much have you got so far?' The officer replies: 'About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.'
The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car's been repossessed.
Latest news: The Isle of Dogs bank has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.
What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't sell anything? A Quarter-pounder with fries, please.
Overheard in a City bar: 'This credit crunch is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.'
The bank returned a cheque to me this morning, stamped: 'insufficient funds.' Is it them or me?
Bradford & Bingley employees are concerned they were given no notice of the takeover by Santander Bank.
A Government spokesman said: 'No one expected the Spanish acquisition.'
What's the difference between the BBC's Business Editor Robert Peston and God? God doesn't think he's Robert Peston.
You know it's a credit crunch when...
• The cashpoint asks if you can spare any change.
• There's a 'buy one, get one free' offer - on banks.
• The Inland Revenue is offering a 25 per cent discount for cash-payers.
• Gordon Brown has stopped chewing his nails and started sucking his thumb.
• Your builder asks to be paid in Zimbabwean dollars rather than sterling.
• Highgrove has been repossessed.
• Victoria Beckham is pictured shopping in Primark.
• Alistair Darling's eyebrows have turned white.
I talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one outside Boots yesterday.
What's the capital of Iceland? About £3.50.
An architect, a surgeon and an economist are discussing the Creation. The surgeon says: 'Look, we surgeons are most important. God's a surgeon because the first thing he did was to extract Eve from Adam's rib.' The architect says: 'No, wait a minute, God is an architect. He made the world in seven days out of chaos.' The economist smiles: 'And who made the chaos?'
A man went to his bank manager and said: 'I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?' 'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a big one and wait.'
Money talks. Trouble is, mine knows only one word: 'Goodbye.'
A young man asked an elderly rich man how he made his money. 'Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last penny, so I invested that penny in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold that apple for ten pennies. 'The next morning I bought two apples, spent the day polishing them and sold them for 20 pennies. I continued this for a month, by which time I'd accumulated a fortune of £1.37. 'Then my wife's father died and left us £2 million.'
What have an Icelandic bank and an Icelandic streaker got in common? They both have frozen assets.
A director decided to award a prize of £50 for the best idea of saving the company money during the credit crunch. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to £10.
Uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last seven days, Origami bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was also announced that Karaoke Bank will go up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended today after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and Peter Mandelson are flying to a world economic summit. Peter looks at Alistair and chuckles: 'You know, I could throw a £50 note out of the window right now and make one person very happy.' Alistair shrugs his shoulders and says: 'Well, I could throw five £10 notes out of the window and make five people very happy.' Gordon says: 'Of course, but I could throw ten £5 notes out of the window and make ten people very happy.' The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them, and says: 'I could throw all of you out of the window and make the whole country happy.'
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and
keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20 shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the language is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords containing "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve wil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Why Parents Drink
A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mum' With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Dustin's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my centre desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
Rules For Dealing With Women
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the points system:
You make the bed...+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1
You leave the toilet seat up...-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty...0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the nex t bathroom... ; -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings...+5
In the snow ...+8
But return with beer...-5
And no liners...-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something...+5
You pummel it with a six iron...+10
It's her cat...-40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party...0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old
Tiffany is a dancer...-10
With breast implants...-18
You remember her birthday...0
You buy a card and flowers...0
You take her out to dinner...0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar...+1
Okay, it is a sports bar...-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and you r face is
painted the colours of your favourite team .-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal...0
The pal is happily married...+1
The pal is single...-7
He drives a Ferrari...-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)...-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie...+2
You take her to a movie she likes...+4
You take her to a movie you hate...+6
You take her to a movie you like...-2
It's called Death Cop III...-3
Which features Cyborgs that crush human skulls...-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly...-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts...-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."...-800
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding...-10
You reply, "Where?"...-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass"...-100
Any other response...-20
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression...0
You listen, for over 30 minutes...+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience...+50
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying,
what do you think I should do?"...-100
You have fallen asleep...-200
IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You don't talk...-150
You spend time with her...-200
You don't spend time with her...-500
You seem to be enjoying yourself..-1000
GAME OVER. YOU LOSE.
There was once a man who lived a long life. At the end of his life, he had a vision that he was walking with God down a beach.
As he turned back, he realized that he could see his footsteps spreading out behind him, each one showing a different time in his life. Amazed, he noticed that some showed prosperous times, and others signified the difficult times he had gone through.
He noticed that there were two sets of footsteps in the sand...his, and God's. When he looked closer though, he noticed that at times, there was only one set of footsteps...and these were at the times when his life had been hardest.
Outraged, he turned to God. "Why did you abandon me?" he demanded. "Why did you leave me alone when my life grew hard. Those were the times that I needed you!"
God turned to the man with sad eyes. "I was always with you," he replied. "At the times when your life was difficult, that was not when I abandoned you...
That was when I carried you."
Top Ten Reasons Why Gay Marriage Is Wrong:
1) Being gay is not natural. Real American's always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3)Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behaviour. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and
4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.
7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans
Please repost this if you are for gay marriage.
Books have the same enemies as people: fire, humidity, animals, weather, and their own content.
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