Author has written 6 stories for StarTrek: The Original Series, and Criminal Minds.
There's no sense in going around insulting bull-frogs.
Algenon: While undeniably true, that statement is lacking in practicality.
Lolrelili: You don't think it's practical to avoid insulting bull-frogs? And I thought you were sensitive.
Algenon: Well, it's just not an issue that ever really occurrs...
Lolrelili: You assume that none of us here can communicate with such creatures.
Algenon: No, I just don't see that... oh, never mind.
Algenon: I beg your pardon! There's no need to stoop to insult! I'm a well-developed character who just happens to possess some overly exagerated or somewhat unbelievable traits!
Lolrelili: That makes you a Mary-Sue.
Algenon: That quiz was inaccurate! I stutter! And stammer! That's enough of a flaw to keep me from being a Mary-Sue, yes?
Lolrelili: No. And there's no reason to whine. I scored a 29 and I'm not even that likeable.
Algenon: Aren't you?
Algenon: That's new.
Lolrelili: Shut up.
Star Trek Yeah Right’s:
Here is a list of the facts and silly subtleties many people overlook in Star Trek. My affectionate critique will be strictly limited to TOS and movies I-V, as I never saw the sixth on and prefer Patrick Stewart as Professor Xavier rather than Picard. I never really got into any of the other series. Anyway, first things first, so we’ll start with what REALLY matters.
I) Kirk’s Social Life J
He really shouldn’t have one. Think about it. The guy’s incessantly reminding us of the fact that the lives 430 crewmen are in his hands alone. That kind of responsibility is hardly conducive to a happy school boy attitude. Also, if his ship is his mistress, and none can take her place, why does everybody keep taking her place!?
Not to mention, there’s a constant flow of new data bombarding our beloved captain. With all the time he would have to spend memorizing all that crap so he could protect his 430 crewmen, he’d never get a date. Heck, he wouldn’t have time to sleep by himself, much less with every other bimbo that sashays by in a mini dress; and that’s a lot of bimbos.
Moving on. So his best friend is someone who never talks to him about anything but chess, science, war, logic, emotion, and a distributed lack thereof? Really? And this guy denies that any kindness he portrays is kind? Sounds like he’s being difficult to me. I’d just give up. Oh, let’s not forget anytime Kirk reaches out or does something nice for Spock it usually results in him finding out about some dark Vulcan secret that would result in his death under normal circumstances. In fact, one time he really tried to kill Kirk, for a woman neither of them wanted. Yeah, sounds like friendship to me.
When he saved Spock in (what a title) The Search for Spock, he lost his son, David. Now, tell me he doesn’t have a guilt complex. Any normal person would respond to this information by saying, “I hate you, you Vulcan jerk!” Well, that’s the nice way of putting it.
Poor James Tiberious Kirk.
In all my days and years of watching and adoring a show that changed the world (if you don’t believe me, you can thank Gene Roddenberry for the flip-phone and web-cam) I never once saw a pair of socks. Even Forrest Gump knows you have to keep your feet and socks clean and dry. DUH! Talk about some major athletes’ foot problems. Yech. Oh, and in those platform boots, there would be huge comfort issues with no socks. As if that particular style of footwear isn’t uncomfortable enough!
Though I never saw a pair of socks, or a single, lonesome, solitary sock, I saw many a pair of underwear, though (oddly enough) no braziers. Regrettably, I have seen Kirks underwear multiple, as he’s rolling behind some rock in a fight to the death, even though such a fight is a severe violation of the Prime Directive in most situations. I have seen Uhura’s underwear as she sits down in that swiveling chair of hers. I have seen two or three Orion slave girls in nothing but lingerie. I have seen lots of underwear and if I took the time to name them all, you and I both would become very bored; but no socks. L In my opinion, socks are the best part of an outfit. When I get up in the morning, I wash my feet and look forward to the fresh feeling of putting on a clean pair of socks. Poor Kirk and Spock will never know that feeling. If Spock ever had known that feeling, I can assure you he would not be so withdrawn or emotionless. He would become so enthralled with the experience, that he would eliminate the P in his name and ask his coworkers to address him as such, regardless of the illogic of it all. Socks are wonderful.
But you’re not here for my take on the joy of stockings and other such footwear.
Has anybody else noticed that Leonard Horatio McCoy has the only cool shirt in the galaxy? I mean, seriously! That short-sleeved, shiny blue one he wears in sickbay is so awesome and he’s the only one who has one! Every other shirt on the show makes me cringe and say, “That must be painful to wear. Spandex would be less constrictive. Is that Bill Shatner’s kidney stone poking through?” Wow.
Did I mention all those skirts are really short? I know it was the sixties, but come on! Certain dress standards in the military basically serve to insure that men look like men and women look like women. And, boy, can we tell they are women! You really think Kirk’s mind is on his precious 430 crewmen that will die in thirty seconds unless he solves some deep philosophical dilemma, when all of a sudden, Janice Rand shows up with a tray of coffee and says, “Oh, Captain, tee-hee! How about a brew?” Then, “Oops, I dropped my pen! Can you hold this tray so I can bend over to get it?”
I may be wrong, but I’m sure Kirk is more than happy to hold that tray for her. Uniforms.
III) Health and Hygiene
They never bathe. They never pee. They play plenty of chess, their diets infuriate McCoy, but they never seem to have the time, desire, or need to go to the bathroom. Kirk is always getting dirty, somehow or another. He’s always covered in sweat, even when he’s relaxed. How then, have we never seen a shower? We saw one in episode #7, but that wasn’t on their ship and it was made of some silicon-carbonic alloy-thingy. The only inkling that ever suggests they have something that remotely similar to a lavatory is in movie #5, when they get back from camping.
Kirk: /sniffs/ I could use a shower.
Spock: /sniffs/ Yes.
And as long as we’re talking about hygiene, I cant help but remind you of the socks.
Ah, screw the socks. What I'm more interested in is the menstrual issue. Surely by the 23rd century they have a system that is both effective and non-violating? I bet if the crew had known what was going on during "Amok Time," half the females would have showed up at Spock's quarters with chocolate and chic-flicks. "LEAVE ME ALONE!" "We understand, just take it easy and don't wear any tight clothing. Here's some midol if you need it." Still, they have sonic showers, which is an intriguing possibility. If you could make something like that much, much smaller and wear it as a belt or something under your clothes, women would be truly liberated!