Poll: What story should I update next? Vote Now!
Author has written 28 stories for Yu Yu Hakusho, Black Cat, X-overs, Harry Potter, House, M.D., Code Lyoko, Smallville, Heroes, Tin Man, Buffy: The Vampire Slayer, D.Gray-Man, Doctor Who, Power Rangers, Batman, Sanctuary, and Leverage.
I won't be updating my fanfics very often, due to a decision that I have made to focus on writing my original stories. I will try my best to update at least one story each month, but I cannot promise that I will update any more often than that. (Although, that may be more often than I've been updating recently anyway...)
SO, because I do want to write the stories people enjoy, I am setting up a poll. You can vote for which story you want me to update next, and at the end of each month, I'll look at the poll and start work on whatever story people want me to write. Yes, I'm admitting it. I'm writing for you people. I've said a dozen times that if I was writing for myself, I'd leave it all in my head. On the other hand, the stories listed by name in the poll are the ones that I am personally interested in continuing. In that respect, I am writing for myself. So please, now that I've finished explaining myself, click the button and vote.
UPDATE: Since I finally bowed to voters' wishes and updated "Meaning It", the poll has been reset. (It's a new poll, which means you can vote even if you voted last time.) There's also another choice--"Second Chances"--which I didn't add as an option to the other poll for a long time. So let the vote begin again! :gives a dramatic wave-hand raise-thing:
End of announcement.
Also, so's to not be rude and leave things unannounced (lists are in alphabetical order):
Completed stories (synonymous with oneshots, although I may continue if there is interest and inspiration):
Dance With Me
One in a Thousand
Stay With Me
If She'd Known, She Would Have Said Something
One Person (these last two are part of a continuing 'verse, but they are completed stories in and of themselves)
Active stories (stories I expect/hope/want to continue in the foreseeable future):
A Different Kind of Storm
Harry Potter and the Vampire's Court
Wonder, Faith, Choice
Psychic Will 'Verse, including If She'd Known... and One Person
Inactive stories (stories I doubt I'll ever continue):
365 Days of Underappreciated Yaoi
Are You My Mother?
Heroes Volume Two: Ready
The Gen Project
The Graveyard Bird
The Kryptonite Boy
The Spider's Web
Stories that I have started writing and may post:
Freaky Family/Diverted Destiny (Supernatural fandom, Sam-is-raised-by-Azazel story, deciding on a title)
WARNING: The following paragraph is the complete summary for "Meaning It", which will be posted chapter 15 as it contains spoilers through that point.
Meaning It summary: Harry realizes what Bellatrix meant. The quest to fulfill this realization plunges him into long-forgotten magics and takes him to the edge of sanity--and humanity. When he's pulled back at the last minute by some of the most unlikely people imaginable, he's a different person. The Wizarding World won't be ready for this. Dark!Harry, Powerful!Harry
End of status report (and spoilers), on to profile.
Yeah, so apparently I'm supposed to talk here. Blah, blah, blah. Blah.
Not funny. Got it.
My name: None of your freakin' business
My age: old enough
My sex (which is different than gender): I'm female. Yes, shock and awe.
My hobbies: Internet, TV, books, manga, anime, writing, reading, songwriting, music, fanfiction.net, etc., etc.
My favorite anime: Yu Yu Hakusho, Code Lyoko, Sailor Moon, Cardcaptors, D. Gray-Man, and... no wait, that's pretty much it.
My favorite manga: D. Gray-Man, Yu Yu Hakusho, Bleach, Death Note, Zombie Powder, DNAngel, Fullmetal Alchemist, Fruits Basket, Black Cat, Buso Renkin, Suki, Cardcaptor Sakura, Zodiac P. I., Tokyo Mew Mew, .Hack//Legend of the Twilight, Clover, Angelic Layer, Kamichama Karin, Tsubasa, xxxHolic, Wish, Zombie Powder, etc., etc. Just about everything, except the really hentai stuff.
My favorite books: Harry Potter, the Midnighters trilogy, Artemis Fowl, Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Demon in My View, Shattered Mirror, Hawksong, Tamora Pierce's Tortall canon and Circle saga, the Sevens series
My favorite pairings:
(changes too fast to keep track of)
My current favorite fandoms: Sanctuary, Leverage, and maybe Harry Potter.
Bad grammar. I can't stand it when a story has such bad grammar that no matter how good the idea is, it's painful to read. The worst part is when one of those stories actually HAS A BETA. What do you SAY at that point? Saying the story has bad grammar is like saying "You and your beta BOTH SUCK at using the English language."
Repeated words. My biggest pet peeve is seeing the word "quickly" multiple times in one chapter. It tends to come up either never (in which case, -big sigh of relief-) or ten times per chapter (in which case, -strangles something-). Repeated words of all kinds get redundant. Like when someone refers to the same person as "the boy" twenty times in a row. When I'm writing my own stories, my biggest pet peeve is "compartment" (as in a train compartment), because I don't know a synonym for it and wind up using it ten times in one paragraph.
Bad slash. I love slash stories--sorry to those who don't, but that's your problem, not mine. But if you write a slash story, please, PLEASE do the planet a favor and make it seem reasonable. Here's a hint: Harry's disastrous relationship with Cho is NOT proof that he's gay. It's proof that he's oblivious. Now, if just one person had done this, it might be okay. But by now, it's clichéd AND ridiculous. It takes a really good story to make that excuse acceptable (Noir et Blanc, in my favs, is an exception to this pet peeve). If you can't come up with a good explanation, and the characters are canonically paired with people of the opposite gender, then go with the miracle "he/she's bi!" explanation--just try to keep the number of miraculously bisexual people limited. If they're not canonically paired with ANYONE, then you just found a fanfic author's dream come true.
On the other hand (a note on the above pet peeve), if you interfere BEFORE Harry's little disaster, you can decide Harry was already questioning his sexuality. It would be perfectly reasonable for a sexually confused teen to try dating the opposite sex, and if you show in your fic that Harry didn't like it even before Cho ran away crying, THEN you might be able to make a case.
On the slash topic--and this isn't a pet peeve--sorta--why is there no femmeslash in the Harry Potter fandom? The most popular pairing I've found has 31 pages of hits if you turn off every filter except the language one, and I normally limit the ratings, too. Why does everyone think that Sirius and Remus should be a couple (over 100 pages of hits), and Harry and Draco should be a couple (over 500 pages of hits), but no girls should be together? That makes zero sense to me. Is it just because those characters are more popular? Seriously, I want to know. Why is it more popular to put two guys together than to put two girls together? Would I be better off looking at guy/guy stories and looking for minor femmeslash pairings? What must I do to find copious good girl/girl HP fics? The really big problem is that there are so few stories, I can't even choose a favorite pairing to read, because if I do, I'll be limiting the available reading by a LOT.
One more pet peeve. For those who have read D. Gray-Man, you know that Lenalee and Komui Lee are Chinese. You may also know that the author has made it perfectly clear that the Black Order uses ENGLISH as a common language. So why is it that every fanfic I've found has Lenalee calling Komui "niisan"? It probably just bugs me because I'm studying Chinese, but seriously, come on. Assuming they speak Mandarin Chinese (the official language of China, at least in this time), Lenalee should call Komui "gege", and Komui should call Lenalee "meimei". For those who know that Chinese is a tonal language and will understand this next bit, it's technically "gege" with one flat tone and then one no tone, and "mèimei" with the tones as I just wrote them (using accents...). I know that I have Tyki saying "otouto", but I don't speak Portuguese. If you do, please tell me how you say "little brother" in Portuguese. I'll use that. But at the very least, the author never said that the Noah family doesn't all speak Japanese. On the other hand, Lenalee and Komui canonically speak Chinese and English.
And a new one: I used to have a million WIPs that people could put on alert. Simple. Click, boom, you're following the story. Now, on the other hand, I have a 'verse that is continuing (at the moment) through a series of oneshots. This 'verse has two stories so far, and if it continues further, it will not be in either of those stories. But you know, IT'S VERY HARD TO TELL PEOPLE THAT WHEN THEY REVIEW ANONYMOUSLY AND DON'T LEAVE AN E-MAIL ADDRESS!! I know; I've allowed anonymous reviews, and sometimes that means I can't answer people's questions, but please, leave a freaking e-mail address so I can answer your questions, reply to your review, clear up what needs clearing up, and stop my brain from imploding!
Warning: The next rant contains some language not suitable for people under the age of... we'll say fourteen and a half, to choose an arbitrary number.
I AM SO SICK OF PEOPLE TELLING ME I'M NOT WRITING JUST FOR ME! What the hell! I KNOW I'm not writing just for me! I come up with the stories for my entertainment, but honestly, how bloody often do you think I go through and read my own stuff? Not too often! So yeah, guess what--I AM writing for other people! I'm writing so you people will read and enjoy, because I like it when people enjoy my writing! I'm not going to spend five bloody hours in front of the computer writing something that no one's ever going to read, and I get pissed off when I spend that long and hardly anyone reviews! Good, bad or ugly, hit the freaking review button and tell me something! And as for pairings, I like people's suggestions, because then I come up with ideas of how to make those suggestions work. Then by the end I might have half a dozen options that I like equally well, so I give up and ask people to tell me what they think. IT'S EASIER! And honestly, I am glad to know more people are satisfied, and if I don't care and you do, why shouldn't I put it up for a vote? Although I am also glad when people agree with my own personal barely-an-opinion. And guess what--I'm taking the "Meaning It" pairing vote off the table next chapter because I've started getting more than a barely-an-opinion and Harry has (tentatively) agreed to help me. Happy now?
End of PG-13 rant.
If you saw this page before, you know there used to be a list of "Upcoming Works" here. By now I'm ready to admit that most or all of those will probably never be written. There actually are stories I am working on but not posting (yet), and these are:
Not Your Normal Faerie Tale (Harry Potter fandom): A story of life mates, war, and politics. Vampires, werewolves, Lunatics, faeries, HPDM RLSB and a lot of other pairings.
Dark Hierarchy (Harry Potter fandom): An AU that picks up at the end of CoS. Lots of Dark people, lots of insanity.
Kalei (Harry Potter fandom): Another faerie tale. But different from NYNFT. WAY different.
Black Lotus (D. Gray-Man fandom): I started this ages ago. I can hardly believe I still remember what it was about.
Blood Fever (D. Gray-Man fandom): See above.
(Unnamed fic) (D. Gray-Man fandom): This includes the plotline for Black Lotus, so consider that one scrapped; and I might just consider Blood Fever incorporated into it, too. It also has Noah!Lavi and a lot of slash. (Now posted as "Wonder, Faith, Choice")
Runs in the Family (Runaways fandom): I did start writing this. I might continue. Chase-centric, involves suppressed memories and other weird things.
(Unnamed fic) (Tin Man fandom): I'm working on this one in my head... When DG comes to the O.Z. with her parents, she gets kidnapped by a strange group who call themselves "psychics". Under their direction, the newly rechristened "Luna" learns to use her magic, or at least some aspects of it. Fifteen years later, a number of them get swept up in the Travel Storm. The O.Z. isn't ready for this.
These may or may not get posted.
And some other announcements...
I am OFFICIALLY putting "The Graveyard Bird" on hiatus! (This means it is most likely discontinued forever.) It was one of my first fics, and come on. I don't even like it. I would take it down, but it actually got some reviews, so if anyone doesn't mind that it sucks and I wrote it before I learned the rules of the fanfic world, go ahead. R&R, and maybe I'll continue.
Also, "Heroes Volume Two: Ready" is going on hiatus. Likewise with "The Graveyard Bird," this one will probably never be updated again unless someone reviews and changes my mind. Otherwise, I'm done with that fic for a looooooong time. I don't think I really knew what was going to happen anyway, it's like my least popular story, and it's a lot of work writing that much every single chapter.
One more... "Harry Potter and the Demons at Hogwarts" is also on hiatus. If and when I feel inspired, I'll update. I take back what I said about "Heroes Volume Two." THIS one is my least popular story. It will probably never be updated.
Last thing: "365 Days of Underappreciated Yaoi" is not officially on hiatus. It's just on one of those "I'll update this when I feel like it, which will probably be once every two or three years" things. As it's a collection of completely unrelated oneshots, I don't think this is too much of a problem, as you can still read it and not be left with a cliffhanger ending.
EDIT to above: As I've started writing plain old oneshots that would normally go in "365 Days", I'll probably discontinue "365 Days" in favor of writing actual oneshots.
The result of this is that the remaining fics are the ones I actually like, and thus may be updated sometime soon! Sooner if anyone reviews...
And now for something completely different:
From "An Altered Destiny: The Beginning, if There is One" by Insane Slytherin
Slytherin Code of Conduct
1. If suspected of rule-breaking, deny it and blame someone else.
2. Slytherins defend their own. We are too few and too mistrusted by others to afford inside battles. If mistrusting of another member, tell someone. If annoyed at another member, channel your anger into taunting and fights with enemies outside of Slytherin. Let them hate so long as they fear.
3. Insults should not be taken lightly by anyone.
4. A mistake commonly made: Dark is not necessarily evil. The majority of Slytherins are dark, but whether you are evil or not is your choice and nobody else's.
5. If you run from a fight beyond your abilities, you are not a coward. You are intelligent.
6. Luck is as wild as a Basilisk. Never trust luck unless as a last resort.
7. Blood and money, though often useful, are no necessity. Ambition is all that is needed for success.
8. Never underestimate anyone, even muggles. Really, don't. It could be the last thing you ever do. Muggles may be slightly inferior, but you should still never underestimate them.
9. Pride is not arrogance. Arrogance is idiotic and no true Slytherin is an idiot.
10. Nobody makes a greater mistake than he who does nothing because he can only do little.
11. Never let your guard down. You never know what is lurking around the corner, because even the best protection and wards have some type of deactivation.
12. When in doubt, smile. It confuses people more than anything else.
13. Just as in life, in Slytherin there is no such thing as 'for free'. There is a price for anything and everything.
14. Paranoia: The sure way to survive.
15. Don't treat others as you want to be treated, treat others as they treat you.
16. Knowledge is its own form of power.
17. The only time you should ever regret taking an action is when you get punished for it.
18. Sarcasm: A Slytherin's best friend.
19. Rumors. Sometimes they're right, sometimes they're wrong, and sometimes it doesn't matter. Listen to the ones that matter, decide from there if they're right or wrong, and ignore the mindless drivel made up by school girls bored with their own pathetic lives.
20. Normal is relative.
21. "If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong." Doesn't matter if a muggle said it, it's true enough.
22. Enough is never enough. Seriously, it isn't.
23. It is not my job to tell you what is right and what is wrong, so I will simply say this: Do what you think is right. Though it may not always be the right thing, it is the best you can do. True, the world always seems to demand more than you can give. If that's the case, then screw the world. As exampled by this list, Slytherins make and live by their own rules and nothing they can do is going to change that.
1) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.
2) You haven't played solitaire with real cards for years.
3) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they don't have MSN or Myspace.
4) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV.
6) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.
7) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.
8) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.
9) You were too busy to notice number 5.
10) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.
11) Now you're laughing at your stupidity.
12) Now you're thinking, "I have to put this on my profile!"
13) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did.
Now for the more serious re-posts...
This story is about a little girl that was abused. If you care about it, and want things like this to stop then copy and paste it to your profile.
My name is sarah I am but three,
My eyes are swollen I cannot see,
I must be stupid I must be bad,
What else could have made My daddy so mad?
I wish I were better I wish I weren't ugly,
Then maybe my mommy Would still want to hug me.
I can't speak at all I can't do a wrong
Or else I'm locked up All the day long
When I awake I'm all alone
The house is dark My folks aren't home.
When my mommy does come I'll try and be nice,
So maybe I'll get just One whipping tonight, don't make a sound!
I just heard a car My daddy is back From Charlie's Bar.
I hear him curse my name he calls
I press myself Against the wall.
I try and hide From his evil eyes
I'm so afraid now I'm starting to cry.
He finds me weeping He shouts ugly words,
He says its my fault That he suffers at work.
He slaps me and hits me And yells at me more,
I finally get free And I run for the door.
He's already locked it And I start to bawl,
He takes me and throws me Against the hard wall.
I fall to the floor With my bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continues With more bad words spoken.
"I'm sorry!", I scream But its now much too late
His face has been twisted Into unimaginable hate.
The hurt and the pain again and again
Oh please God, have mercy! Oh please let it end!
And he finally stops And heads for the door,
While I lay there motionless Sprawled on the floor.
My name is Sarah And I am but three,
Tonight my daddy, Murdered me.
Child Abuse, MAKE IT STOP!
How wrong is this!!:
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.
Repost this if you think homophobia is wrong.
Re-post this to help stop racism:
Black and White:
A black man was talking to a white man and said: "I'm black. When I was born I was black. When I grew up I was black. When I'm sick I'm black. When I go in the sun I'm black. When I'm cold I'm black. When I die I'll still be black. But you: When you were born you were pink. When you grew up you were white. When you're sick you're green. When you go in the sun you're red. When you're cold you're blue. When you die you'll be purple. And you have the nerve to call me colored. "
1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, liposuction and air conditioning.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.
7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans...
Re-post this if you believe in legalizing gay marriage
And now we're done being serious...
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
If you are weird, insane, crazy, odd, not-normal, a freak of nature, psychotic, random or anything similiar, copy this into your profile. If you refuse to believe that the Harry Potter pairings revealed after the end of the series are true, copy and paste this into your profile. !eliforp ruoy otni siht etsap dna ypoc ,sdrawkcab siht daer ot hguone trams era uoy fI If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile. If you've ever wondered what you are like in another dimension, copy and paste this in your profile. If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for absolutely no reason, copy and paste this into your profile. If you think that being unique is better than being cool then put this on your profile. If you think that life without computers is useless then copy this to your profile. Have you ever noticed that when you put a mark between the E and the R in THERAPIST you get THE/RAPIST? If you have, copy this in your profile. SEVERUS SNAPE IS GOOD! I STAND BY MY GREASY HAIRED POTIONS MASTER! POST THIS IN YOUR PROFILE AND SPREAD THE TRUTH! Normal by it's own definition does not exist. If you believe this, copy and paste in your profile. If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are weird, insane, crazy, odd, not-normal, a freak of nature, psychotic, random or anything similiar, copy this into your profile.
If you refuse to believe that the Harry Potter pairings revealed after the end of the series are true, copy and paste this into your profile.
!eliforp ruoy otni siht etsap dna ypoc ,sdrawkcab siht daer ot hguone trams era uoy fI
If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you've ever wondered what you are like in another dimension, copy and paste this in your profile.
If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for absolutely no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think that being unique is better than being cool then put this on your profile.
If you think that life without computers is useless then copy this to your profile.
Have you ever noticed that when you put a mark between the E and the R in THERAPIST you get THE/RAPIST? If you have, copy this in your profile.
SEVERUS SNAPE IS GOOD! I STAND BY MY GREASY HAIRED POTIONS MASTER! POST THIS IN YOUR PROFILE AND SPREAD THE TRUTH!
Normal by it's own definition does not exist. If you believe this, copy and paste in your profile.
If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile.
98 percent of teenagers do or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think that those stupid kids should just give that annoying Trix rabbit some Trix, copy this into your profile.
If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you've ever wished you could go into a book and strangle some of the characters for being so incredibly dumb, copy and paste this into your profile.
If your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer.
Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, than weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile!
Too many kids and teenagers have smoked or tried marijuana. If you haven't, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you are obsessed with fanfiction copy this into your profile
If you are Harry Potter obsessed, copy this into your profile and add your name: Ga Nat Nat, Evil Older Sister, Frozenfan, Emerald Bear, Kyprioths Shadow, Itzika
92 percent of American teens would die if Abecrombie and Fitch told them it was uncool to breathe. Copy this into your profile if you would be in the 8 percent laughing their asses off at the others.
(\ _ /) a word
This is Bunny.
Copied from Mugglenet.Com
123 Ways to Annoy, Harass, Confuse or Generally Scare Lord Voldemort Sure-fire ways to get yourself killed, or at least Crucio'd round the block and back again
Started by Amanda Lack (stars_planets_clocks), and added to by countless others
1. Ask him why he 'doesn't have such a cool scar?'
2. Laugh at him.
3. Wake him up by singing Beach Boys songs in his ear. 'Round, round, get around, I get around...'
4. Knit him things. Really hideous things.
5. Give him kangaroo-ears for a month.
6. Smile during Death Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows.
7. Chew bubblegum all the time. Should he address you, your only response will be a series of huge bubbles in quick succession, the last of which will burst everywhere and make a mess.
8. Dance the Funky Chicken.
9. Ask him when was the last time he took a bath.
10. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again.
11. If you ever need to say 'Like taking candy from a baby', be sure to add 'Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others.' Stare pointedly at him.
12. Play 'knock-&-run' at his bedchamber door late at night.
13. Call him 'The-Man-Who-Let-the-Boy-Live.'
14. Ask why the Dark Mark couldn't look like something 'more socially acceptable?'
15. Insist that you have met chunks of cheese with more cunning plans than his.
16. Pinch him. Make sure he squeals.
17. Be cheerful.
18. When he tries to impress you with his powers, say 'Awwwww, lookit. Voldie's got a twiggle!'
19. Try to teach him to play a mouth organ.
20. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like 'You're the boss, boss' or 'It's your funeral.'
21. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic 'My sir, you look particularly menacing today.'
22. Taunt him about his middle name. 'Marvolo? What's that - a washing detergent?'
23. Keep a 'good-behaviour chart'. Award points and give out gold stars.
24. Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.
25. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. poof there poof gone poof there...
26. Play cards with him. Tell him he has no poker-face and how does he expect to rule supreme without one?
27. Let off party-poppers in his face whenever the urge strikes you.
28. 'Did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?'
29. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry's victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.
30. Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly.
31. In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and give him an equally fake drumroll.
32. Exclaim sarcastically 'You're breakin' my little heart here, O Dark One' whenever he starts to talk of what caused him to become who he is.
33. Encourage him to 'think happy thoughts!'
34. Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.
35. Mock his choice of Quirrell as a 'host.'
36. Tell you think a yoga class could 'cure him of his wicked ways.'
37. Get the song 'Mr. Tambourine Man' stuck in his head.
38. If he's having evil-plotter's-block in one of his scheming sessions, 'Wingardium Leviosa' a light bulb to float above his head. Turn it on. Look offended when he gets angry and say you thought you were helping!
39. Tell him constantly to stop repressing his anger.
40. Buy him a stress ball.
41. Hint that he is only a character in a book and will never triumph.
42. Call him Tommy-boy.
43. If you're feeling gutsy, call him Voldie-poo.
44. Whack him in the arm and say 'mosquito' - every few minutes.
45. Say he 'looked better under the turban.'
46. Eat his pet snake. Offer him some.
47. Endeavour to teach him to steeple his fingers, lean back and say 'Eeeexcellent'.
48. Start drawing outlandish parallels between his life story and 'Star Wars'. Talk at great length.
49. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.
50. 'Imperio' his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus of 'All Things Bright And Beautiful.'
51. Shower him with confetti and rice, anytime you think he needs to make a 'grand entry.'
52. Paint all the Death Eater masks with bright colours and glitter.
53. Throw him a 'Carebears'-themed birthday party.
54. Tell him what Snape's really up to.
55. Politely exclaim now and again that you don't know how he can be so afraid of dear old Dumbles.
56. Sing 'California Dreamin' at the top of your lungs when he's trying to have an 'evil moment.'
57. Should you ever be eating with him - drum tunes with your cutlery, play with your food and blow bubbles in your chocolate milk.
58. Ask him to dance a polka with you.
59. Work cutesy phrases like 'pushing-up-daisies' and 'smooth-as-a-baby's-bottom' into conversation as much as possible.
60. Ask him if he's sure 'the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting a bit old?'
61. Get him to play 'Twister' with you.
62. Tell him you know this great therapist in London...
63. Throw Tupperware parties. Insist he sit through them.
64. Tell him you've met plently of people more evil than he.
65. Hide his teddy bear. That ALWAYS makes him cry.
66. Get him a plant. Act mortally offended when he doesn't water it and it dies.
67. Steal, snap and bury his wand.
68. Tell him Lucius did it.
69. Give Rita Skeeter full knowledge of his whereabouts and contact details.
70. Remind him that he isn't even really alive.
71. Write him a theme song. Start singing it whenever he is about to do or say something particularly clever and nasty.
72. Offer to sacrifice Draco Malfoy 'to the cause.'
73. Insist on reading him bedtime stories. Include 'The Ugly Duckling.'
74. Make vague allusions to Harry Potter being his son.
75. When he's done something particularly nasty - cross your arms, waggle a finger and say 'Now now, do you really think Salazar would have approved of that?'
76. Ask him how he can possibly wish to harm a single hair on the head of 'that sweet, innocent, cute little boy.'
77. Tell him Wormtail has a crush on him.
78. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
79. Leave disgusting and rotting dead things near him. Insist that it is 'Aromatherapy.'
80. Begin any question you ask him with 'Riddle me this!' Emphasis on Riddle.
81. Do not EVER act in the slightest way intimidated by him. Treat him as you would an eccentric aquaintance.
82. Cuddle him at random moments.
83. Sign him up for Little-League.
84. Ask him why he's afraid of a frail old man with a beard the size of a beehive and can't fight babies.
85. Throw biscuits at him. Constantly.
86. Tell him you think evil master plans of world domination are 'kind of girlie.'
87. Quote Argus Filch. Insist HE will one day rule the wizarding world.
88. Wonder aloud whether the name Voldemort commands as much respect as, say, Potter or Dumbledore.
89. Mimic everything he says in a sing-song voice.
90. Mimic everything he does with exaggerated limb-movements.
91. Write sonnets for him.
92. Insist he help you with the newspaper crossword every morning.
93. Follow a few paces behind him, spraying everything he touches with a can of disinfectant.
94. Tell people he's 'really just a big softie.'
95. Psychoanalyze him. Conclude that he is 'mildy depressed' and 'a bit of a control-freak.'
96. Mock his baldness.
97. Smile and say loudly 'Who loves you, Volders?' at inopportune moments. (Ie: another of his attempted 'evil moments')
98. Get him drunk.
99. Drag out a banjo at Death Eater revels and start playing 'Kumbayah.'
100. Let him catch you trying on Death Eater robes.
101. Be Harry Potter. Be alive.
102. As he's plotting dark deeds, pretend to cough and mutter things like 'Not gonna work, or 'stupid.'
103. Call him 'Champ' or 'Tiger.' Refer to yourself as 'Coach.'
104. Three words: Potter Puppet Pals.
105. Ask him where he gets his garlic-scented soap.
106. Ask him to dye Easter eggs with you.
107. ..at Christmas.
108. Make him dance in the rain with you.
109. Insist that this is to cleanse his soul.
110. "Accidentally" schedule him a him a haircut.
111. ..even though he's bald.
112. Be offended by everything he says.
113. When he gives you an order, stare at him blankly and drool.
114. Invite him to go streaking.
115. Kill Harry.
116. On the next Valentine's Day, decorate his lair.
117. ..make sure the decorations are pink and frilly.
118. Tell him that getting the same plastic surgeon as Michael Jackson was definitely a bad idea.
119. Paint his fingernails hot pink while he's sleeping, then place a permanent sticking charm on them so he can't remove the color.
120. Whenever you look at him cover your eyes with your hands and scream "IT BURNS!!"
121. Bake him scar shaped cookies, but insist it wasn't purposeful.
122. Trade his black robes in for pink pajamas.
123. Insist that it's opposite day and paint a lightning bolt on his forehead.
And my addition... 124. Read this list to him out loud. Make sure to do all the voices, motions, and sound effects and to laugh at appropriate intervals.
Some Fun Quotes:
Quote of the Week: I didn't lie--I was writing fiction in my mouth. (Homer Simpson)
Do not meddle in the affairs of slashers, for you are cute and go well with other men.
Never knock on Death's door... ring the bell and run away... he hates that.
Everyone rises to their level of incompetence. (Laurence J. Peter)
Someone's boring me. I think it's me. (Dylan Thomas)
Sorry I couldn't make it to church--I was busy practicing witchcraft.
Equality is a myth. Women are better.
Your face is like the sun--not because it is beautiful, but because I can only look at it for a minute.
Warning: Trespassers will be shot
It's tourist season, so why can't I shoot them?
You say you dislike me, but deep down, you know you hate me.
That which doesn't kill you...will probably try again.
I'm not tense. I'm just terribly, terribly alert.
God did not create men and women equal...don't worry; give him time, and he'll evolve.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
This is not something to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force.
He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.
For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Always remember you're unique...just like everyone else.
If you don't like my driving then stay off the sidewalk!
I like work. It fascinates me. I could sit and look at it forever.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Don’t play dumb with me, I'll always win.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is NOT for you.
There are two ways to argue with a woman. Neither one works.
I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an unarmed man.
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door. ..
Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
STRESSED? You think I look stressed! I'm gonna KILL the next person who says I look stressed!
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
Never argue with an idiot, they'll bring you to their level then beat you with experience.
I'd love to help you out. Which way did you come in?
Bumper Sticker of the Week: Any book worth banning is a book worth reading.
When it comes to thought, some people will stop at nothing.
If you can see this car, my cloaking device is broken.
My cat ate your fish.
I'm just driving this because the kids kept falling off the broom.
Jesus saves. Allah forgives. C'thulu thinks you'd make a good sandwich.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
My other car is a BROOM!
HONK if you've never seen an Uzi shot out a car's back window.
Other Things, Like T-Shirts (Warning: These are here because they are non-PC or contain adult themes)
"Other" of the Week: Christianity: The belief that some Cosmic Jewish Zombie will make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so that he can remove an evil from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree. Makes perfect sense.
May the fetus you save be a Black Gay Wiccan Democrat.
People who don't like their beliefs being laughed at shouldn't have such funny beliefs.
Freya, goddess of Love and War: If you can't lay 'em, slay 'em!
Mom Quote of the Week: My parents only had one argument in forty-five years. It lasted forty-three years. (Cathy Ladman)
Sooner or later, we all quote our mothers. (Bern Williams)
Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.
"There is only one pretty child in the world... and every mother has it." - Chinese Proverb.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
"Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?"
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.
Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.