Queen: Fantasy-fiction writer experimenting with fan-fics. Whatever works, I suppose.

Dante: When she's not video gaming, that is...

Queen: Hey, I have to get my inspiration from somewhere, you know. There's a very good reason why I usually only write Devil May Cry and FFVII fan-fics.

Vergil: She just can't get enough of us, it seems.

Dante: And how could she not? This is us we're talking about here.

Vergil: True...Very true...

Queen: Oh great. The egos become ever more inflated.

Vergil: Who said we have egos? This is just acknowledgement, pure and simple.

Dante: Um... Bad news, bro. She's writing in other fandoms right now.

Vergil: It will not be as good as those based on Devil May Cry. Fatal Frame, Kingdom Hearts, and Final Fantasy VII sucks in comparison to us.

Dante (grinning now): Heh. You're right there. I bet nobody will read those other stories you've been working on, Queen.

Vergil: Sooner or later, you'll realize that you can't stay away from us forever, and stop writing about them to give us the attention we so desperately need.

Dante: Yep. Axel, Yazoo, Reno, Sephiroth, Zack, and Kadaj are nothing compared to the magnificence that are we!

Queen: You're soooo lucky they aren't in the house right now. They think the same thing of you.

Dante: Let 'em think what the will. They can't escape truth.

Queen (rolls eyes): Whatever. Continue to delude yourselves while I put down my personal guidelines, okay? (Ahem). There's a couple of things to expect to never see in my fics. First of all, there will be no yaoi, no twincest, in my fics. Living with Dante and Vergil, along with all the others, kinda tends to throw that idea straight out of the water. They can get along, but... Lemme give you an example. Two weeks ago, Dante went on his usual Saturday night drinking spree. He got the rooms mixed up when he got back, and ended up in Vergil's room. Did Vergil take advantage of this? No. That was one more instance when I had to keep him from turning Dante permanently soprano. No twincest under this roof or any others. It just can't happen. Furthermore, I don't do death sequences with them. Near-death, yes, but no true death for anyone other than Eva, Sparda, or the three women. Also, Trish and Lucia will not, repeat, will not be showing up in my fics. Lady I can handle, even sympathize with. I can't stand the other two. Besides, with the timeline I'm working with, neither one of the twins will ever meet them.

Vergil: Thank the Higher Powers.

Dante (clenches fists): What was that, bro?

Vergil: C'mon, Dante. Even you gotta admit that Lucia was crazy. And Trish, well...

Queen: She tried to kill you, more than once!

Dante: That doesn't make her a bad person.

Queen and Vergil: (give Dante withering looks)

Dante: Well, it doesn't!

Queen: Whatever. Eva, I admire. She has already shown up in "Innocence Lamented, Innocence Lost" and "Devil's Heart." Maybe I'll do another bit with her, probably in "Abandoned." Trish, despite Dante's protests, will not be appearing in any of my fics. I also do not plan on doing much with Lady, definately not in the romantic department.

Vergil: Let us pray.

Dante: I'd agree on this one, Queen. Lady's a good fighter, but I just don't like women who shoot me in the head. As I mentioned before.

Vergil: I also have no interest in females who attempt to fill my body with smoking pieces of metal.

Dante: Queen's more than enough for both of us.

Queen: Awww, that's so sweet. (pets Dante)

Dante: Hey, no touching the hair outside of... well, you know.

Queen: Okay, fine.

Vergil: You're even touchier about your hair than me.

Dante: I dunno if I should take that as an insult or a compliment.

Queen: Take it as a kind of "Vergil compliment." Anyway, because I follow the timeline that has Dante rescuing Vergil from Hell before Temi-ni-gru collapses, I will also not be doing anything with Nelo Angelo. I always hate fighting with him in DMC1. So he ain't gonna be making a cameo appearance. No offense to the N.A. lovers out there. My fics, my choice of characters.

Dante: Which means that eventually all those weirdass OCs are going to be showing up.

Queen: There's one more thing I must put down. Reviews are always welcome. I must know how my writing style works, so I can get my non-fan-fics published and put us up in a better place than this little hovel we call home.

Dante: And so I can afford to get a new leather jacket. I really miss the one I was wearing in DMC3.

Queen (points to Dante): How can you possibly ignore that face? Enjoy my fics!

Days pass...

Queen: You know, I think that sometimes life utterly sucks.

Dante: So why is this a new development?

Queen: Simple. Not getting any reviews on "Kindred Souls," "Midnight Flames," or "Fallen Angels." So few reviews for all of my stories... I tell you, it's damn depressing!

Vergil: Yeah, I can see your problem. You work so hard on your fics to try and make them seem at least a little believable, and people don't even tell you what they think of them. And the ones that do tend to be pretty damn nasty about them because of your use of OCs.

Queen: Hey, I'm a fantasy writer! None of stories outside fanfiction.net have non-OCs, after all. One kinda gets used to creating people to go with canon characters in places like the Forgotten Realms and Greyhawk.

Dante: But here, people prefer canon characters only, ever. It's a real shame; I kinda like all of the Mary Sues people have us getting with...

Queen: Eh. People just don't seem to think enough of my fics to review. Just bugs me, that's all. Although, I have been having fun with the flamers. They don't roast weenies so well, but if you douse them with gasoline, you can have a nice little BBQ.

Vergil: Or in Dante's case, get drunk and dance around the flame-fire half-naked.

Dante (clears throat loudly): Hey, you're getting more reviews now, especially on that one fic, "Evidence of Sephiroth's Humanity." So stop complaining. In the meantime, why don't you tell the nice people reading this something about yourself? Being an enigma on the site is all well and good, but a few profile details would be nice. For your loyal fans, of course.

Queen: What fans?

Vergil: Just tell them about yourself.

Queen: OK, fine.

Sign: Pisces sun with a Sagittarius moon. Year of the Rabbit

Birthday: February 25, 1987

Home State: West Virginia (yes, I am pure, bonifide hillbilly redneck! Ancestors were both Hatfield and McCoy; direct descendent of Devil Anse Hatfield! So don't yew piss me off, or I'll shoot yew!) (spits juice from chaw at computer screen) (just kidding about the tobacco. Don't chew; it's disgusting)

Stance on Religion: I am personally non-denominational. Mom grew up a Methodist, and Dad grew up Southern Baptist. They could never agree on a family church, so I grew up only believing in God and Jesus whereas Mom and Sis converted to Catholicism. I was educated in a private Christian school for about 7 years, but I was never happy there (being a fantasy writer and D&D player, I was a total misfit. My pen-name comes from my nickname at that school, Queen of Darkness). Nor do I really fit in with most forms of organized religion. So, I have formed my own set of Christian beliefs, and I follow them instead. God exists all around us, and in our hearts. We can worship him wherever and however we want, so long as it is respectful. Like the Father that he is, He will love us and accept us and forgive us, no matter what we do, so long as we love and accept Him in return. As such, He also exists in many different forms. Whether it be Allah, God, the Great Spirit, or Krishna (for example) we all worship the same God. We just know Him by different names, and show our devotion in different manners. And we are all the children of God, no matter what our race or skin color or sexual preference. Therefore, everybody should be given a chance, no matter who they are. If they squander that chance, then that's their problem. Some people cannot be forgiven (such as certain dictators, murderers, and terrorists...), but they are few and far between. Those aren't all my beliefs, you understand. I have combined my religious beliefs with my beliefs in astrology, but that's the basic gist of it. So whatever your religious beliefs, as long as it doesn't hurt anybody or bar anyone from its embrace, you will find no argument with me as far as spirituality.

Favorite Video Games: The entire Devil May Cry series, DmC: Devil May Cry, Okami, the Fatal Frame franchise, the Baldur's Gate franchise (original PC games, not the Dark Alliance series), Bloodrayne 2, the Jak series, Kingdom Hearts 1 and 2, Final Fantasy VII: Dirge of Cerberus, Final Fantasy 7, Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core, Castlevania: Curse of Darkness, Guilty Gear series, Assassin's Creed, Unreal Tournament, Unreal Tournament 3, Fatal Frame series, Soulcalibur 3, Resident Evil 4-6, Legend of Dragoon, Sengoku Basara 3: Samurai Heroes, the entirety of the Dynasty Warriors, Samurai Warriors, and Warriors Orochi franchises, Sleeping Dogs, Dragon Age 2 (not so much the original, though it's still a good game), Mass Effect 1-3, Persona 3-4, Persona 4 Arena, Batman: Arkham Asylum and Arkham City, Bayonetta, Shadow the Hedgehog, and all the classic Sonic Genesis games.

Favorite movies: Doom, the Resident Evil movies, Mists of Avalon, Ace Ventura 1 and 2, Cool Runnings, Hostel, Look Who's Talking, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, Lord of the Rings movies, Pirates of the Caribbean movies, Star Wars, Grease, Xanadu (all I can say is that I'm a sucker for good disco...), Blood Simple, Leon the Professional, Hundra, Curse of the Golden Flower, Red Cliff, Hero.

Favorite Bands: Eminem, Enigma, Seether, HIM, 69 Eyes, Papa Roach, Linkin Park, Rob Zombie, En Vogue, Celine Dion, Spice Girls, Five-Finger Death Punch, Evanescence, Amber, Jennifer Lopez, Enrique Iglesias, Beethovan, Tchikovsky, Bach, TM Revolution, the Vocaloids (geez, I'm diverse in my tastes!)

Favorite PC Games: Baldur's Gate series, Diablo, Doom, Warcraft: Tides of Darkness (haven't played any of the newer ones and, having seen the effects of WoW on my friends, have no real interest to do so), Heretic, Unreal Tournament.

Favorite Books: Too many to list. However, here are a few: Drizzt Do'Urden books (Forgotten Realms rules!), Lord of the Rings, Dalamar the Dark (Dragonlance; woohoo!), Stiff, the Devil May Cry novelizations (both of which precede the events of the games, I know...)

Favorite TV shows: CSI, MXC, Maximum Exposure, Unsolved Mysteries, Animaniacs, Viva La Bam, Pimp My Ride, Ren and Stimpy, Cold Case Files, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Who's Line is it Anyway, Living Single, Golden Girls, Roseanne, The Boondocks, The Cosby Show, Deadly Women, Forensic Files, Operation Repo, 1001 Ways to Die, Surviving History, Human Weapon, Samantha Brown: Passport to Europe, Andrew Zimmerman's Bizzare Foods, Tribal Life, Xena: Warrior Princess, the Red Green Show.

Fave Mangas: Devil May Cry 3, Rebirth, Red River. Still fairly new to manga.

Favorite Anime and Old Cartoons: The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, Ouran High School Host Club, Lucky Star, Zombie Loan, Sailor Moon, the old SatAM Sonic the Hedgehog, Devil May Cry, Sengoku Basara: Samurai Kings (entire series), Black Butler, Persona 4: the Animation, Mononoke, Samurai Horror Tales, Hell Girl, Fruits Basket, Angry Beavers, the original Doug, Rocko's Modern Life, Gargoyles, the old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Thundercats, Invader Zim, Neurotically Yours, The Adventures of David the Gnome, My Little Pony (kinda funny how you think so little of all these old cartoons you grew up watching, how you're so eager to start watching more adult stuff, and then you look back on them and start remembering how much you loved them and wanting to watch them again when you're socially too old to be seen watching them)

Fave Pairings: There's a lot of these...

Canon:

(KH): Roxas/Namine, Sora/Kairi, Marluxia/Larxene, Saix/Xemnas, Riku/Kairi.

(FFVII): Cloud/Tifa, Zack/Aerith, adult Marlene/adult Denzel, Tseng/Elena, Vincent/Lucrecia, Cid/Shera

(DMC): Sparda/Eva, Vergil/Lady (there's something very hot and nasty about this one), Nero/Kyrie

(GG): Jam/Ky, Zato-1One/Venom (unrequited on Venom's part, sadly. But it's still my favorite), pre-betrayal Zato-1One/Millia (I despise this woman. But I will admit that I like reading about their relationship before she destroyed him. And he had to have had feelings for her, seeing as how after her betrayal he suddenly started hating women. All women. You don't get that kind of hate without serious emotional trauma, and I think a broken heart combined with a backstab counts. Besides, Venom does say that he really cared about her whenever he beats her in arcade mode), Anji-Mito/Baiken (Also currently unrequited. But I think they'll get together sooner or later, regardless)

(DW) Cao Pi/Zhenji, Wang Yuanji/Sima Zhao, Liu Bei/Sun Shangxiang, Lianshi/Sun Quan

Non-canon:

(KH): Marluxia/Vexen (no rhyme or reason to this one), and the occasional Zexion/Larxene, simply because Zexy is sexy! Sometimes there's a good Axel/Larxene, but usually I don't like that pairing. Axel/Tifa, Leon/Tifa, Leon/Aerith, Yuffie/Cid, Sephiroth/Aerith, Axel/Kairi, Kairi/Xemnas (I can explain this. I don't like her with Saix, but when she's paired with Xemnas there's a certain manipulative, controlling aspect that I like. Kairi also seems to bring out the softer side in him sometimes), Demyx/Namine.

FFVII: Zack/Tifa, Vincent/Tifa, Kadaj/Tifa, Yazoo/Tifa, Reno/Tifa, Sephiroth/Tifa, the occasional Reno/Cloud, Sephiroth/Aerith, Reno/Aerith (not too many fics for that one), and sometimes Yuffie/Cloud, Genesis/Tifa (I have to credit a friend of mine and her beautifully erotic fics on here for getting me interested in this pairing. I hate Genesis normally, but for some reason when she writes him I cannot help but like him. Thanks, fire mystic! Go read her GenTif fics. Seriously. You will not be disappointed), Nero/Weiss (I guess it can be argued that this is a canon pairing. But most of the time I think it's just an extremely strong bond between two brothers who had nobody else to turn to in a living nightmare. That being said, I still find the more physical take on their relationship rather appealing... Especially the gender-swap fics written by a certain author on AFF.net)

GG: Dizzy/Testament, Jam/Chipp, Johnny/pretty much any of the ladies, Sol/Baiken

DW: I'm a total DW: Empires whore. I create a lot of female characters and match 'em up with my favorite male officers, and I typically don't swap partners among them unless I create another character who seems better suited to that officer's personality type. My male characters tend to get paired up with my leftover ladies. Funny thing is, I haven't recreated any of the DW6:Empires characters in DW7:Empires. Maybe because of the lack of English voiceover? I dunno.

The Ones I Hate:

(KH): Larxene/Namine, Saix/Kairi, Axel/Roxas (they're friends, I tell you! FRIENDS!!), Riku/Sora, Riku/Saix, Sephiroth/Leon, Leon/Cloud, Tifa/Aerith, Aerith/Yuffie, any of the Disney characters/any of the FFVII characters, Goofy/Donald, Donald/Sora, Goofy/Sora, Riku/Mickey, Donald/Sora/Goofy (Talk about shattering one's childhood memories... Seriously though, pairing animals with humans only works in Greek mythology. Keep it out of the fics, please), Xigbar/Xaldin

(FFVII): Sephiroth/Cloud, Zack/Sephiroth, Zack/Cloud, Cloud/Aerith (I know it's canon, but I really don't like it), Kadaj/Yazoo/Loz, Loz/Yazoo, Kadaj/Yazoo, Kadaj/Loz, any of the Remnants/Sephiroth, Vincent/Cid, Vincent/Yuffie (Vincent's not a pedophile and Yuffie's too hyperactive for him! There are a few good Yuffentines out there, but I usually don't care for this pairing), ANYBODY/Don Corneo, Reno/Rude, Rude/Tifa, Hojo/Lucrecia (shouldn't have had her in the first place... I say that despite knowing that without this hookup, Sephiroth wouldn't be the same Sephiroth), Vincent/Cloud, Hojo/Aerith (they do exist, disgustingly), Tifa/Loz, Jenova/ANYBODY, Hojo/ANYBODY, Scarlet/ANYBODY, Aerith/Tifa, Tifa/Yuffie, Yuffie/Aerith, Shelke/Vincent, Shelke/Sephiroth (why does anybody see this girl in any sort of pairing? I can see the Shelke/Nero pairing under the right circumstances, but not the rest. I mean, she's nineteen, that's true. But her body is stuck at the ten year mark. She'll never go through puberty, and certainly will never get involved with anybody sexually. What is the appeal here? Pedophilia? Disgusting!), Genesis/Sephiroth, Genesis/Angeal, Angeal/Sephiroth, Lazard/Sephiroth, Angeal/Zack, Genesis/Zack, Rufus/Reno, Genesis/Angeal/Sephiroth, Genesis/Angeal/Sephiroth/Zack, Genesis/Angeal/Zack, Cloud/Zack/Sephiroth, Cloud/Zack/Sephiroth/Angeal/Genesis, Genesis/Weiss/Nero (these threesome and moresome pairings really just bother me. I don't see any of these men as homosexual, with the possible exception of Weiss and Nero, and while I have nothing against yaoi I don't like reading things for which I can find no basis character-wise), Barret/Tifa, Denzel/Cloud, Nanaki/Aerith, Nanaki/Tifa, Nanaki/Yuffie (Seriously people. Beastiality? No thank you), Chaos/ANYBODY (I don't like demon sex fics for the most part. The only ones who can get away with that with me are Dante, Vergil, Sparda, and a few notable exceptions in D&D and Baldur's Gate), Rosso/Vincent (I think it's rather obvious that she'd rather slice and dice him than bang him)

(DMC): Dante/Vergil (HATE IT!!), Dante/Trish (this pairing almost cost me a new PS2 controller) Dante/Lucia, most Dante/Lady, Dante/Nelo Angelo, Vergil/Trish, Sparda/Mundus, Dante/Nevan, Vergil/Nevan, Nero/Dante, Nero/Vergil, Nero/Argus, Nero/Creedo, Nero/Sanctus, Kyrie/Sanctus

(GG): Sol/Ky, Sol/Testament, Sol/Dizzy, Millia/ANYBODY, Eddie/Venom (same body, different characters. I like Zato, but I HATE the Eddie. I also hate this pairing because it's usually a rape pairing), Johnny/May (give her some time to finish puberty and I'll enjoy it. But since she's only, what, twelve right now this pairing can only be considered pedophilia under the M rating. Johnny's a ladies' man, but he's also got better class than that), Bridget/ANYBODY (the pedophilia thing again), I-No/Dizzy, May/Dizzy, Ky/Kliff, Sol/Axl, Faust/ANYBODY, Zappa/ANYBODY (though he can have Millia, if he wants), Slayer/Venom, Slayer/Testament, Slayer/Sol

(DW) Pretty much anything with no canonical basis. I'm talking things like Ling Tong/Gan Ning, Zhang He/Sima Yi, Sima Yi/Zhuge Liang, Cao Cao/Liu Bei, Xingcai/Sun Shangxiang, Lu Bu/Zhang Liao... Basically, anything yaoi or yuri. This fandom LOVES the slash pairings, but considering that these are based on (for the most part) historical people of great influence, I see it as immensely disrespectful to depict them as something they clearly were not. Almost all of the male characters had wives and children, and every last one of the women in these games were married to somebody. None of 'em were gay. Just sayin'.

(SW) See previous statements regarding Dynasty Warriors.

Queen: And that's all I'm spilling about myself

Dante: Oh, c'mon! That's not all you could tell them!

Vergil: I agree. You could tell them your favorite colors, how many animals you have, the discrepancy between your violent and softer sides...

Dante: How she wears that sword pendant and black leather wrist cuff every single day of the year...

Queen (smacks Dante upside the head): Um, guys, shouldn't we get back on topic?

Dante (rubbing head): Yeah, I guess so.

Queen: Also, I would like to say that while most of my storylines (the four involving Heather, Michael, and Aeva) do indeed reek of Mary Sue-ness, I feel inclined to point out that I don't really give a damn. I put down what the muses (and Dante and Vergil) whisper in mine ear. My original plot for "My Angel" had no prostitution, no Chimera Syndrome, or her getting both of them. In fact, she was going to choose one of them and turn the other down, resulting in serious depression and abandonment by the other man she loved! However, Dante convinced my muses (don't ask me how) to tell me to stick her with both of them via a pair of twins that each sired, and subsequently turned into Chimera twins with the others' DNA in the surviving pair. I'm sorry if people don't like what I've done with Dante, Vergil, and Heather, but if you don't like it you don't have to read it. I've read worse (and not solely for DMC; other areas on the site); by comparison, this is pretty tame.

Vergil: I might also point out that you seem to enjoy putting rare diseases and genetic conditions in your writings. Porphyria for "Innocence Lamented, Innocence Lost", Chimera Syndrome for "My Angel"...

Queen: I'm planning on putting a bipolar and a klepto in another fic. Possibly a Multiple Personality too.

Dante: Oh dear God... Vergil, you got her started again.

(Queen continues listing off rare genetic and personality disorders, a glazed look in her eye)

Vergil: Guess there's only one way to shut her up. Shall you do the honors?

Dante: Of course. She is my girlfriend, after all.

(scoops Queen up in his arms, carries her away from the computer and down the hall, into a certain room. Shortly thereafter, muffled shrieks can be heard echoing down the hall, both masculine and feminine. Vergil slips into the computer chair)

Vergil: This means that they are going to be busy all night. Thank God or whoever that Queen is on the Pill. Children are not quite welcome at this house yet. Few years, maybe. But not right now. When Queen wrote that I was a screamer in "Sins of the Father," I mentioned that Dante was too. If anyone requires evidence, there's your evidence.

(particularly loud scream erupts from bedroom)

Vergil: I need to go purchase some knock-out pills. No, not for them. For me. I'm going to need them if I'm going to get any sleep tonight. So for now, I believe I shall end this transmission. Until the next time Queen's muse decides to pay us a visit, that is.

(transmission ended)

(days pass)

Vergil: Queen...

Queen: Yes?

Vergil: Who are these two and what are they doing here?

Queen: Which two? I've got more people hanging around here than just you and Dante, you know. You'll have to be more specific.

Vergil: The man with the long blond hair,the black bodysuit, and the blindfold, and the other man with no shirt, the white hair with the blue Eye of Isis on it, and carrying a cue-stick.

Queen: Haven't I introduced you yet? Come on. (grabs Vergil's arm, drags over to new guys) Vergil, I'd like you to meet Zato-1One and Venom, from the Guilty Gear games. They're my newest muses... Or they will be, once I've finished up some other fics.

Venom: Greetings.

Zato: nods)

Vergil: More competition? Don't you have enough men to satisfy you, yet?

Queen: No, these two are different. Just friends. Wanna tell him why, guys?

Venom: You may explain.

Queen: You know, you can actually talk to him if you want, but fine. Vergil, they aren't going to be doing anything physical with me like the rest of you for a couple of reasons. One, Zato hates women. Two, Venom is only attracted to Zato. No heterosexual encounters for either one of them.

Vergil: If he hates women, then why is he here with you?

Queen: Long story short, he loved a woman and she backstabbed him. Even went so far as to kill him, after he entered a symbiotic relationship with a parasitic shadow-beast named Eddie and took over the Assassin's Guild where they all were raised and trained.

Venom: Master Zato tolerates Queen because she brought him back, free from that monster's claws. I tolerate her for that reason, and because she is not like the woman in question.

Queen: You also like the fact that I end up cussing her out whenever I fight her in the games.

Venom: That, too.

Zato: I enjoy listening to the abuse.

Vergil: I thought Dizzy was the one you were constantly cursing when you played Guilty Gear X.

Queen: I actually like Dizzy, as a person. Millia I downright hate. Period. I think I understand why she turned against the Guild, but you don't betray your friends or the people who care about you. Never.

Venom: Another reason why we get along.

Zato: Morals like that could get her liked or get her killed. But I suppose I owe her a debt. She did bring me back, alone in my own body.

Queen: There's no debt to be paid. I did it because you deserved freedom from that thing. Besides, you're both cool. And great inspiration to a creative mind such as mine!

Vergil: Just tell me one time, Queen. Am I going to have to listen to them at night as well as you and whoever?

Zato: No.

Venom: Don't count on it.

Queen: They're usually pretty quiet. So it's just me you have to worry about.

Vergil (sighs): I suppose I'll move to their side of the house then. Maybe there I'll get some peace and quiet.

Queen (muttering): Drama king... Well, I'll leave you three alone now. I'm going to go beat up on Millia for awhile.

(transmission ended)

(Time goes by...)

Dante: I'm beginning to get a little concerned about Queen. She's on these pills now, and she won't tell us what's wrong with her.

Sephiroth: She told me, actually.

Dante: Spill it. What's up with Queen?

Sephiroth: She's been having stomach problems for the past two years, as you know. Remember when we went in with her so she could get bloodwork and an ultrasound when the doctor thought her gall bladder was acting up?

Dante: Yeah. So?

Sephiroth: Turns out the gall bladder was fine, and her bloodwork said there was nothing wrong with her. Her mother thinks that it might be the beginnings of a stomach ulcer, and put her on a generic drug her sister's taking.

Dante: Huh. Okay.

Sephiroth: Now I want you to tell me something. Why is she afraid to go visit her grandparents right now?

Dante: You mean you haven't heard? Her Pawpal was diagnosed with cancer recently, a cancer he'd already beaten when it was in his lower intestine. They can't do surgery on his spleen right now because it's spread to his lungs. So until that gets cleared up, they can't remove his spleen.

Sephiroth: So why isn't she going to visit him?

Dante: Her Granny and Pawpal are her favorite grandparents. He's always been fragile, due to diabetic complications, and she's terrified that he isn't going to survive this. She wants to spend time with him and her Granny, but she's afraid of getting close to him because that means it'll hurt even worse if he does go.

Sephiroth: I guess that's understandable. After all, her family did just lose both of their dogs, including her dog, Kia.

Dante: Yeah. Magic she found dead when she went out to bring her in to give her a bath so she could go to the vet and find out what was wrong with her, and Kia had to be put down because her stomach got twisted.

Sephiroth: I know. All of us were with her when that happened. I've never seen her cry that much before. What was it, one hour straight?

Dante: Longer than that. She was crying while her parents made the call to the vet at 1:30 in the morning, during the car ride to the west side of town, the entire time they were at the E-vet's, and then for about fifteen, twenty minutes after it was over. She really loved that dog.

Sephiroth: I know. She still can't go into the dogs' room or out in the backyard without breaking down, and Kia was buried more than a month ago.

Dante: She isn't the only one. Her mother still hasn't scattered Riley's ashes, and he was put down in February.

Sephiroth: I wonder why all this is hitting her family now, all at once. Three of their dogs die within months of each other, her grandfather's cancer has come back even stronger than before, and Queen's probably getting an ulcer.

Dante: No clue. But I hope everything turns out all right for her and the rest of them, for Queen's sake. She has more than enough to worry about with college coming up soon.

Sephiroth: We're all worried about her. But all we can do for her right now is be there for her, in case the worst happens. That's what friends do.

(transmission ended)

(weeks later)

Kadaj: So Queen's abdominal issues have finally been solved, after much pain and misery on her part.

Venom: You're neglecting to mention the worry on ours.

Kadaj: I was getting to it! Anyway, it turns out it was, in fact, her gall bladder after all. But rather than being septic, it just plain wasn't working. She just got it out the Friday before last, and she's still in a lot of pain right now or she'd be telling you all this herself. Oh, and it turns out that her grandfather does, in fact, have terrminal cancer.

Venom: Well aren't you the bearer of bad tidings today.

Kadaj: Just tying up the loose ends from the last transmission!

Venom: And you realize that this is not why Queen gave us the passcode to the transmitter! Give me those! (brief scuffle on-screen, mad slapping of hands until Kadaj is knocked away and Venom takes possession of the keyboard and microphone) What he is supposed to be telling you is that Queen has a few things to show you. She has some friends over at DA who have decided to bring a few characters and moments from her fics to life.

Kadaj: Did you really have to punch me, you ass?

Venom: Be thankful that I did not bring my cue-stick with me to this room, or you would be out cold right now. Now stop interrupting me with meaningless comments so I can get this done.

Kadaj: Awww, ten minutes and somebody already misses their seme...

Venom: Shut up.

Kadaj: Don't really blame you, I guess. I don't swing that way, but I will admit that Zato's pretty good-looking. Why don't you upload the links before you kill me?

Venom: I won't kill you. Just maim. Very slowly.

Kadaj: I call your bluff. I'm one of Queen's favorites. You're just one of her friends. She doesn't tolerate fighting amongst us and you know it.

Venom (seething behind his hair): I never thought I'd say this, but I'm starting to prefer Dante to you. He's a little more mature in his immaturity than you are. Now as I was saying, there is some fanart a few friends have done for Queen over at DA. She asked us to upload those links here, so that you all can see what others envision when they read her fics.

Most of these pics were done by Queen's good friend, Glaurung II. This first one is a little rendition of Masai and Sephiroth, the most recent of the bunch: http://glaurung-ii.deviantart.com/art/Seph-and-Masai-108908087

These are part of a work-in-progress. The final piece has yet to be shown to us, but we are enjoying this first look immensely: http://glaurung-ii.deviantart.com/art/Turk-try-108210939

http://glaurung-ii.deviantart.com/art/Handsome-guy-96317126

This is the latest picture of Akalara. The hair's lighter than it should be, but nobody's complaining here: http://glaurung-ii.deviantart.com/art/Akalara-W-I-P-2-112977261

This piece was an extra bonus. We weren't expecting to see it, though several of us did appreciate it. I know Sephiroth, Dante, and the little pest behind me certainly did (indignant protest from Kadaj, who is looming over Venom's shoulder like a vulture): http://glaurung-ii.deviantart.com/art/Seducer-108210367

Now, this piece wasn't done by Glaurung II. It was done by Cathelsprime, and it depicts a very popular chapter from "Evidence of Sephiroth's Humanity." There was supposed to be a picture done of the 'Scars' chapter as well, but for whatever reason that pic was never completed: http://cathselprime.deviantart.com/art/Little-Menaces-Gift-70282181

Venom: There also used to be three other pics on a different website, but those seem to have been deleted.

Kadaj: I remember those! One was a picture of Masai, one showed the moment of realization and horror in the 'Nasty Discovery' chapter of EoSH - also the moment when Reno opened his trap - and the third picture was of the three guys getting drunk at a bar the night before. And for whatever reason, Cid and Yuffie were in the bar as well...

Venom: You are seriously starting to remind me of that elf that's been hanging around the house, always rambling when he's not moaning about death and doom. We've been told that there is more fanart to come, as mentioned above. The pics of Akalara and Azrael are scraps from a larger work that has not been finished yet.

Kadaj: Wait a sec. How come you say that you're immensely enjoying those pics of Akalara if you don't like women that way?

Venom: I can appreciate the beauty of artwork without 'swinging that way', as you put it. Glaurung II is a very talented artist, and her depictions of Akalara are indeed beautiful.

Kadaj: I would say something here, but I don't feel like getting punched again.

Venom: Good.

Kadaj: Now, I think it's time to end this. Queen will need her medication soon, and something to eat. With Sephiroth, Dante, and Vergil all out of the house she isn't going to get fed. I don't trust Zack or Reno in the kitchen, and Yazoo refuses to cook today.

Venom (smirking): I believe you were implying something about me being whipped earlier...?

Kadaj (scowling): Shut up...

(transmission ended)

(As days go by...)

Sephiroth: Queen is unavailable at the moment, given that she is resting in preparation for a long car ride back to college accompanied by a nasty cough, but she has a little something to share with you all.

Glaurung has finished the Akalara picture, and I must admit that her depiction of my 'baby momma' (gods I hate that term...) is extremely accurate and realistic. This woman has quite a bit of talent, and this picture has already received the approval of several of my house-mates apart from Queen. Dante, Reno, and Zack in particular enjoy the piece. I must admit that I can't wait to see the picture of my and Akalara's son Azrael when Glaurung completes it: http://glaurung-ii.deviantart.com/art/Akalara-116659287

Sephiroth: There you are, then. Now, it is very late and there is a five hour road trip in my future in roughly six and a half hours. Even the greatest SOLDIER ever needs to sleep from time to time. Besides, I need to make sure that sneaky drow hasn't made himself at home in Queen's room again...

(transmission ended)

(months later)

Sephiroth: Queen, are you ever going to show off that picture of Azrael?

Queen: Well, now that you've basically loaded up my profile information and everything for me, I don't really have a choice, now, do I?

Sephiroth: That's the basic idea.

Queen: Dominant males... Yeesh. All right, fine. I'll post the picture...

This is the picture of Azrael that Glaurung has made. She actually completed it back in June, but I kept getting too caught up in work and school, respectively, to remember that I needed to put the link here on my profile. He's going to be a regular chip off the old block when he gets older, though I'm not entirely sure he's ever going to spontaneously sprout a wing. After all, like Cloud, he was cleansed of his Geostigma and the Jenova cells that caused them by Aerith's healing rain/Great Gospel. Still, he's got his daddy's super-genetics to make up for whatever power he lost when he was cleansed. Looking at this, I really think he's going to have a hard time beating back the ladies, don't you? Enjoy the teenage glory that is Azrael: http://glaurung-ii.deviantart.com/art/Azrael-125322605?offset=0#comments

Queen: There. It's up. Now can I go back to playing Dynasty Warriors?

Sephiroth: I suppose... Are you sure you don't want me to hack into the game and beat Lu Bu for you?

Queen: The Flaming Cockroach of Doom shall die! I just need to make sure that he doesn't grab me, and I don't kill Diao Chan at Xia Pi, that's all.

Sephiroth: Flaming Cockroach of Doom...?

Queen: Have you seen his Dynasty Warriors 6 design?

(end transmission)

Remember, people: a good friend is the person who bails you out of jail after a wild night. A best friend is the person sitting next to you in the cell laughing, saying "Damn, that was fun!"