Who are you truly?... The angel who soars above... Or maybe the fallen who are deprived... Who are you truly?... Grasp your destiny and choose... For I keep calling for you... But do you listen or do you run from me?... Who are you truly?... Take off the mask... Forget everbody's sneering... Take off the cloak... Forget their mockery... Take off the shadow of namelessness... And most importantly, forget their whispers... Who are you truly?... Stand up... Grasp your sword... And scream as you charge... Scream who you are.

This is who I am.

"I will take your thoughts away/And ignite what you fear today/I can take you far away/With my mind/With my mind"

Personal Anthem: With My Mind as made famous by Cold.

Name: I'll keep that to myself... but I am well known simply as Lithius.

Age: Lost Track, however, I'm out of college.

Hair: Dirty-dishwater blonde

Eyes: Hunter Green/Gray Silver (As in both)

Height: 5'8"

Home: Middle of Nowhere, Nevada

Special Abilities: I'm well versed in the reading and understanding in of ancient Greek and Hebrew and with some skill in Japanese and French. I'm also a pretty decent artist when I feel like pulling out a pencil and paint. I love to write (bet you didn't know that) and have higher than normal english skills. No, I'm not a nerd like some of you might be thinking. I also weld; I like the sparks, it makes July 4th look like just another day of the year. I also have love growing plants and actually have some professional greenhouse experience (my favorites are bonsai). In short, I'm eclectic, a fancy word that means I'm a jack-of-all-trades, but at the same time I can't specialize in anything. I can learn just about anything.

Favorite music artists: Too many to list.

Favorite Shows, Manga, and Movies: Red Vs. Blue, RWBY, Naruto, Bleach, Claymore, One Piece, Darker than Black, Fairy Tale, Tower of God, Type-Moon works, D. Gray-Man, Gundam Series, Code Geass, Familiar of Zero, Highschool DxD.

Favorite Games: Too many to list.

Pet Peeves: Stupid people, people who don't flush the toilet, writer's block, an unclean room, unalphabetized books or CDs, slobs (people who don't clean anything.), homework, know-it-alls, white people who act like they're black, deuce bags, and life in general.

Personality: I'm an introvert. I never talk unless I must or I'm around someone that I'm close to. I don't understand why, but it aggravates me to Hell and back that I can better communicate my thoughts through writing instead of talking. But I'm getting better; I don't have a silver tongue, but I can at least start a conversation, though I get tongue tied a lot. I also don't like it when people touch me; it always makes me jump or get really nervous and the only exceptions to this are my family and my friends or when it's absolutely necessary. I may be quiet, but I love to talk when I'm just with my friends; I just don't understand this quirk about me.

For my social life, I have my best friend to thank; without him, I'd still be a hermit. By nature, I'm a very anti-social person. I'm happy and content staying in my room and typing for the rest of my days without contact with the human race, but the crazy person I call a best friend would drag me out of my room and throw me in the car if it meant we did something.

I've got an I.Q. somewhere over one-tweny which means I'm smarter than average, but despite my incredible smarts, I'm lazier than hell. I would much rather daydream than work. I also have a powerful photographic memory that allows me memorize just about everything I see, but my mind can be quite selective. I'm also absentminded to a fault; just because my body is there doesn't mean my mind is (ever heard the reference 'the lights are on but nobody is home'? Yeah, there's a reason why I've walked face first into doors).

I'm pretty laid back and would prefer not to worry about the world's problems. If it's not my problem then I'm not going to worry about it. And as such, politics and I just don't get along. I very few, but close friends mainly because the average person is a dunderhead, with the occasional notable exception. I'm very slow to get angry and could actually count how many times I've hit someone on one hand with digits left over, but should my fuse get lit, it's like watching the Tsar Bomber all over again.

I'm also an insomniac. It's not uncommon for me to get less than four hours of sleep a night. With this extra time I read books (I have quite the extensive library), finish whatever college homework I remembered at the last second (which is what I end up doing most of the time), and write stories if I'm led to. Though, the moment Friday night hits, I'm out like a light, and I refuse to get up until one in the afternoon. And no, I don't look like Gaara or L with the ring around the eyes; I just get moody when I haven't had my Friday night sleep.

For some odd reason, I'm a serious perfectionist. I alphabatize everything, my cds, my books or whatever, but it gets really sad when I organize my clothes by color. My room must not have a speck of dust or otherwise, I will disinfect the entire room; my shoes are even organized by what I wear them for. Yep, I'm a sad little person.

Within a cage/Innoncence opens her wings/The shackle breaks free

by Sarah Zsigray

Quotes (Make note that I really like quotes and often scour the internet looking for them.):

"And Dreamers shall dream and make the impossible possible and to inspire others around them to reach higher, to surpass the limits, until eternity's end"- Unknown

"NEVER GIVE UP!"- Winston Churchill

"Lonliness can't be defeated"- Gaara, Naruto

To everything there is season, and a time to every purpose under the Heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time pluck what is planted; A time to kill and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and time to gather the stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. - Ecclesiastes 3:1-9

"The only thing new in the world is the history you don't know," - Harry S. Truman

Where seldom is heard... A discouraging word... And the skies are not cloudy all day.- from "Home on the Range"

"Nothing except a battle lost can be half so melancholy as a battle won."- Duke of Wellington

"If everything isn't black and white, I say, 'why the hell not?'"- John Wayne

"There are not great men. Just great challenges which ordinary men, out of necessity, are forced by cirumstances to meet."- Admiral William F. "Bull" Halsey

"I can picture in my mind's eye a world without war, a world without hate, and I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it"- Jack Handy

"All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his dilusion is a philosopher"- Ambrose Bierce

"All the best stories in the world are but one reality; the story of escape. It is the only thing which interests us all and at all times- how to escape"- Arthur Christopher Benson

"There are none so blind as those who do not see"- Unknown

"If you are going to walk on ice, you might as well dance."- Unknown

"He who attacks must vanquish. He who defends must merely survive."- Master Kahn

"It is an unfortunate fact that we can secure peace only by preparing for war."- President John F. Kennedy

"Getting rid of a delusion makes us wiser than getting hold of a truth."- Ludwig Borne

"If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things."- Rene Descartes

"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."- Albert von Szent-Gyorgyi

"Sarcasm is anger with a smile."-Natalie Hyde

"When arguing with a fool, make sure the opponent isn't doing the exact same thing."- Abraham Lincoln

"To be alone is to be different, to be different is to be alone."-Suzanne Gordon

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."- Albert Einstein

"The truth is rarely pure and never simple."- Oscar Wilde

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."- Will Rogers

"There are two theories when arguing with women. Neither one works."- Will Rogers

"He who fights monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."- Friedrich Nietzsche

"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."- Napolean Boneparte

"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something."- Plato

"It is perfectly American to be wrong."- Newt Gringrich

"Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth."- Sherlock Holmes, Adventures of Sherlock Holmes

"Fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil."- Aristotle

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."- Edmund Burke

"The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet not withstanding to go out to and meet it."- Thucyclides

"The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public."- George Jessel

"The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on."- Catch 22

"Cunning is the art of conceiling our own defects, and discovering other people's weaknesses."- William Hazlitt

"In three words I can sum up everything I learned about life: it goes on."- Robert Frost

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."- Herm Albright

"Not all who wonder are lost."- J.R.R. Tolkien

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."- Lily Tomlin

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather judgement that something else is more important than fear."- Ambrose Redmoon

"If you can't convince them, confuse them."- Harry S. Truman

"A common mistake that people make trying to design something comepletely foolproof was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."- Douglas Adams

"Just when you realize that life's a bitch, it has puppies."- Adrienne E. Gusoff

"The optomist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true."- James Branch Cabell

"You can always trust the Americans. In the end they do the right thing. After they have eliminated all other possibilies." Winston Churchill

"That's what it takes to be a hero, a little gem of innocence inside you that makes you want to believe that their still exists a right and wrong, that decency will somehow triumph in the end."- Lise Hand

"Death is more universal than life; everyone dies and not everbody lives."- A. Sachs

"Often, the surest way to convey misinformation is to tell the strict truth."- Mark Twain

"Suspicion always haunts a guilty mind."- Shakespear

"Sometimes, you just have to smile, shrug, and say 'What the hell?'"- unknown

"Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all."- William Goldman, The Princess Bride

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move."- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility."- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elswhere."- Francois De La Rochefoucauld

"Reveal not every secret to a friend, for how can you tell but that friend may hereafter become an enemy."- Saadi

"One should expect the expected can be prevented, but the unexpected should have been expected."- Norman R. Augustine

"Destiny is what you are supposed to do in life. Fate is what kicks you in the ass to do it."- Henry Miller

"Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that can not be torn, so that we see ourselves for as we really are."- Arthur Golden

"May he who has screwed over your day have his crotch infested by the fleas of a thousand camels, and may his arms be too short to scratch it. Amen."- The Officer Worker's Prayer

"Most bitter are the quarrels between brothers."- Latin Proverb

"Happiness is the dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill."- Johnny Carson

"One of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones out of stumbling blocks."- Jack Penn

"A real friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."- Unknown

"Never tell people how to do things: tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity."- George S. Patton

"If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door."- Paul Beatly

"Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop."- Unknown

"A work of art which did not begin in emotion is not art."- Unknown

"Emotion is the starting point, the beginning, and the end."- Unknown

"Man's biggest mistake is to win over a woman without knowing how to love her."- Unknown

"I firmly believe that any man's finest hour is that moment when they have worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of the battle... victorius."- Vince Lombardi

"Friends are angels that help us getting up when our wings can't remember how to fly."- Unknown

The journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step/Sometimes, taking the first step is the most difficult thing to do/Your destiny is in your hands/You must grasp it before it's too late.- Luo Tzu

"I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not."- Kurt Cobain

"I too often see people killing catepillars and then complaining there are not enough butterflies."- Unknown

"Roll the dice, never look back and never think twice."-Papa Roach, Just wanna be loved

"Everyone bleeds red."- Lithius

"You all blame the effect but what about the cause?"-Unknown

"Perfection is an impossibility for humanity, for the simple fact humans themselves are imperfect. The ideal that things in our world are perfect, are simply ideals that are mistruths conjured up by madmen attempting to sustain that pitiful existence. It is impossible for us to understand what is perfect, for we are not perfect ourselves. Once humanity realizes this, we can all get on with our lives."- The Magnificent It.

"Stop fighting against the system, destroy it from the inside. That's what germs do!"- The Magnificent It

If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away... and now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.- I Corinthians 13:3-8,13

"Out of all the tests that we as humans have to undergo, love is probably the hardest and subtlest. We can't understand it, but yet when we experience it we learn more than we do in a lifetime."- Lithius

"How can you make someone love you without forcing them?"-Bruce Noland, Bruce Almighty

"Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful"-Sixx A.M., Life is Beautiful

"When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it."- Unknown

"Love is like a deck of cards... You need a Heart to love them, a Diamond to marry them, a Club to beat them, and a Spade to bury the bastards."- Unknown

"We fear that which we cannot see"- Unknown

People have hope because they cannot see death standing behind them- Bleach, Volume 2 Tagline

If it rusts, it can never be trusted/If its owner fails to control it, it will cut him/Yes, pride is/Like a blade- Bleach, Volume 8 Tagline

We think that a flower on a cliff is beautiful because we stop our feet at the cliff's edge, unable to step out into the sky like the fearless flower.-Bleach, Volume 12 Tagline

Those who do not know what love is liken it to beauty. Those who claim to know what love is liken it to ugliness.-Bleach, Volume 20 Tagline

That deep wound, it's like the sea's abyss/That red guilt, it's not the color of death.- Bleach, Volume 30 Tagline

"A word to the wise ain't necessary; it's the stupid ones that need advice."- Bill Cosby

"He who laughs last didn't get it."- Helen Giangregrio

"Life's journey it not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting, 'Holy S--, what a ride!'"- Unknown

"In the driest, whitest stretch of pain's infinite desert, I lost my sanity and found this rose."- Rumi

Every rose has its thorn/Just like every night has its dawn/Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song/Every rose has its thorn.- Poison

"Love a person for their good; love them even more for their flaws."- Lithius

A light shines in the darkness, but the darkness doesn't understand it.- John 1:5

If it happens, God lets it happen, and when we say, "I don't understand," God replies, "I don't care."- The Green Mile.

"Never take life seriously, nobody ever gets out alive."- Van Wilder, Van Wilder

"True strength is being able to hold it all togethor when everything else is falling apart."- Unknown

"A man said to the universe, "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the universe, "That fact has not created me a sense of obligation.""- Stephen Crane

"Life is like a video game; the more serious you take it, the harder the rules get."-The Rogue Stallion

"Live as if you were going to die tomorrow, but learn as if you were going to live forever."- Unknown

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."- Albert Einstein

"There is nothing either good nor bad, but thinking makes it so."- William Shakespear

"Not all scars show, not all wounds heal, sometimes you can't see the pain someone feels."-Unknown

"There is no person who does not carry scars on their heart. If there were such a person, they would be a shallow soul."- Hiei

"That's why God put stupid people on the planet, to test the people that actually have a brain."- Anonymous

"He who is master is not of others but himself. Truly an angel."- Hachirou Kita

"Each coin has two sides, the man lost control of his and I saw a demon."-Hachirou Kita

"I saw a winged man, and when I asked him who he was, he said, 'I'm an angel.'"- Hachirou Kita

"Don not follow where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Shoot for the moon- you may miss but you'll land among the stars."- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"To the world you might be one person, to one person you might be the world."- Heather Cortez

"Sometimes the past hurts too much. That makes you do stupid or impossible things to try and fix it, but the past is always dead. You can't repair yesterday."- Sato, Forlorn

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."-Unknown

"The planet in not in jeapardy. We are in jeapordy. We haven't got the power to destroy the planet- or to save it. But we might have the power to save ourselves."- Jurassic Park

"Insanity: a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world."- R.D. Lang

"Reality is nothing but a collective hunch."- Lily Tomlin

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disclination to do so."- Douglas Adams

"Fake friends bail you out of jail and tell you that what you did was wrong, real friends would sit next to you saying 'Damn we f--ed up, but that shit was fun!'"- Unknown

"Close your eyes and think it's a bad dream. That's how I get by."- Jack Sparrow

"There is no point in taking the easy way out. There is no point in running from our mistakes and flaws. There is a point to rising up and doing what is right."- Lithius

"If I knew where poems came from, I would go there."- Micheal Langley

"What is this?" said the leopard, "that is so s'clusively dark, and yet so full of little pieces of light?"- Rudyard Kipling, Just So Stories

"I woke up and knew he was gone. Straightaway I knew he was gone. When you love somebody you know these things."- David Almond, Skellig

Darkness always had its part to play. Without it, how would we know when we walked in the light? It's only when its ambitions become too grandiose that it must be opposed, disciplined- if necessary- brought down for a time. Then it will rise again, as it must.- Clive Barker, Abarat

"All I need is a sheet of paper and something to write with, and then I can turn the world upside down."- Friedrich Nietzsche

The strongest memory is weaker/than the palest ink.- Chinese Proverb

"Believe me. Sometimes when life looks to be at its grimmest, there's a light hidden at the heart of things."- Clive Barker, Abarat

"You never came out the way you came in."- Francis Spufford

"The world existed to be read. And I read it."- L.S. Schwartz

""Hope," is the thing with feathers."- Emily Dickinson

"All writers are lunatics!"- Fenoglio, Inkspell

"When we stare into the eyes of God and say 'I don't want any part of it,' He turns around and replies 'what choice do you have?,'"-Anonymous

"To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure."- Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

"We are one of only three species on our planet that can claim to be self-aware, yet self-delusion may be a more significant characteristic of our kind."- Michael Crichton

"In this secular existence, perfection is an illusion, regardless of those who utter the contrary; this is the reality: common man seeks it out, they aspire to acheive it as if it was some tangible thing, but the fact of the matter is perfection is a hollow shell. It is devoid of any substance. I spit on perfection."- Mayuri Kurotsuchi, Bleach

Love is rich with both honey and venom- Latin Proverb

"To err is human... but when the eraser runs out, you're doing it too much."- Unknown

Death is like God's way of dragging you by the collar up to heaven, mumbling, "Okay, I think you've done enough damage..."- Unknown

"Never look down on somebody unless you're helping them up."- Jesse Jackson

"Courage is being scared to death- and saddling up anyways."- John Wayne

"You can kill the dreamer, but you can't kill the dream."- Martin Luther King Jr.

"Pride sullies the noblest character."- Claudianus

"Every day you make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet, there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever ascending, ever improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb."- Sir William Churchill

"Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away."- Antione de Saint-Exupery

"Artists who seek perfection in everything are those who cannot attain it in anything."- Eugene Delecriox

"Death may be the greatest of all human blessings."- Socrates

"To live, I pretend that the next day will always be better."- Icarus Nolan, White to Black.

"Being able to sleep at night... I think that's the ultimate achievement of the day. If there's something haunting you, you can't go to sleep. If that's the case, I'll take my problems head on so that I'll be able to sleep. If I have to lie to myself to go to sleep, then so be it."- Icarus Nolan, White to Black

"It is easy enough to be friendly with one's friends. But to befriend the one who regards himself as your enemy is the quintessence of true religion. The other is mere business."- Mohandas Ghandi

"Not necessity, not desire - no, the love of power is the demon of men. Let them have everything - health, food, a place to live, entertainment - they are and remain unhappy and low-spirited: for the demon waits and waits and will be satisfied."- Friedrich Nietzsche

"Take responsibility for your life. If you're a victim, it's your fault. Stop being a victim. Get a grip!"- Judge Judith Sheindlin

"Be water, my friend."- Bruce Lee

"Taste is the enemy of creativeness."- Pablo Picasso

"Forgotten is forgiven."- F. Scot Fitzgerald

"It is not enough to have a good mind; the main thing is to use it well."- Rene Descartes

"Ideas do not have to correct in order to be good; it's only necessary that, if they do fail, they do so in an interesting way."- Robert Rosen

"But I'm not using those lessons just for theorizing about the future, I am betting on it."- Bill Gates

"The most faithful mirror of the soul is none other than the eye."- Anonymous

"There is a God; you're not him."-Anonymous

"The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything."- Friedrich Nietzsche

"Let those who love us, love us. And those who hate us, may god turn their hearts, or their ankles, so we might know them."- Irish Proverb

"All good men are happy when they choose to be their own authors. Those who choose to have others edit their pathways, must live on the edge of another man's sword."- Julie Arabi

“In the name of the best within you, do not sacrifice this world to those who are its worst. In the name of the values that keep you alive, do not let your vision of man be distorted by the ugly, the cowardly, the mindless in those who have never achieved his title. Do not lose your knowledge that man's proper estate is an upright posture, an intransigent mind and a step that travels unlimited roads. Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours.”- Ayn Rand

“Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.”- Henry Kissinger

"Believe nothing merely because you have been told it. Do not believe what your teacher tells you merely out of respect for the teacher. But whatsoever, after due examination and analysis, you find to be kind, conducive to the good, the benefit, the welfare of all beings -- that doctrine believe and cling to, and take it as your guide."- Buddha

"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all it's students."- Louis Hector Berlioz

"Reality is not what you get, but what provides the distractions that keep you from making your fantasies real."- Unknown

"If life were Easy, It would be no fun."-DALOS

"A battle... is a gamble... where one pits one's existence against another's... and you try to kill each other... and where only the victor gets to savor the worth of his existence."- Gaara, Naruto

"A person is smart; people are stupid."- Charles Eggleston

Of all the thirty-six alternatives, running away is best- Chinese Proverb

"The only people who think children are carefree are the ones who've forgotten their childhood."-Orson Scott Card

"Let your hook always be cast. In the pool where you least expect it, there will be fish."-Ovid

"Loss leaves us empty, but learn not to close your heart and mind in grief. Allow life to replenish you. When sorrow comes it seems impossible, but new joys wait to fill the void."-Pam Brown

The reputation of a thousand years may be determined by the conduct of one hour -Japanese Proverb

"There are three things men can do with women: love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature." -Stephen Stills

With time and patience, the mulberry leaf becomes a silk gown -Chinese Proverb

"The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will."- Vince Lombardi

"We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender." -Sir Winston Churchill

"Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown."-Minnie Louise Haskins

"80 of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed and the one book you didn’t read." -Unknown

"Life is known only by those who have found a way to be comfortable with change and the unknown. Given the nature of life, there may be no security, but only adventure."-Rachel Naomi Remen

"War may sometimes be a necessary evil. But no matter how necessary, it is always an evil, never a good. We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children."-Jimmy Carter

"Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well."-Samuel Butler

"The devil hath power to assume a pleasing shape."-Unknown

"It's not really paranoia when they're really out to get you."- Unknown

"It's a sad and stupid thing if you have to proclaim yourself a revolutionary just to be a decent man."- David Harris

"In perpetrating a revolution, there are two requirements: someone or something to revolt against and someone to actually show up and do the revolting. Dress is usually casual and both parties may be flexible about time and place, but if either faction fails to attend, the whole enterprise is likely to come off badly." -Woody Allen, A Brief Yet Helpful Guide To Civil Disobedience (Without feathers), 1972

"I hear and I forget; I see and I remember; I do and I understand."- Confucious

"He who asks is a fool for five minutes. But he who does not ask is a fool for forever."- Confucious

The abscence of proof is not is not the proof of abscence.- Chinese Proverb

"Make happy those who are near, and those that are far will come."- Confucious

"Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment. Cleverness is mere opinion, bewilderment is intuition."- Unknown

God turns you from one feeling to another and teaches by means of opposites, so that you will have two wings to fly, not one. -Rumi

The idol of your self is the mother of all idols/To regard the self as easy to subdue is a mistake.- Rumi

"How many times it thundered before Franklin took the hint! How many apples fell on Newton's head before he took the hint! Nature is always hinting at us. It hints over and over again. And suddenly we take the hint."- Robert Frost

"Falling in love is not at all the most stupid thing that people do — but gravitation cannot be held responsible for it."- Albert Einstein

"A learning experience is one of those things that say, 'You know that thing you just did? Don't do that.'"- Douglas Adams

"If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want caught and shot now."- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams

"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is there, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory that states this has already happened."- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams

"Anything that happens, happens. Anything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen. Anything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again. It doesn't necessarily do it in chronological order, though."- Mostly Harmless, Douglas Adams

"Murphy was an optimist."- Smith's Law

"Entities should not be multiplied beyond necessity."- Occam's Razor

"Do not attribute malice that which can be easily explained by stupidity." Hanlon's Razor

"But the greatest thing by far is to have a command of metaphor. This alone cannot be imparted by another; it is the mark of genius, for to make good metaphors implies an eye for resemblances."- Aristotle

Tribulation produces perserverance, and perserverance, character, and character, hope.- Romans 5:3-4

"Only the dead have seen the end of the war."- Plato

"Shit happens; find a toilet."- Anonymous

"Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved."- William Jennings Bryan

"You could wait a million years and find Heaven's too far away from you. Love's just a thing that others do. What is love, till it comes home to you?" -Arianne, Everything You've Ever Dreamed

"There is no happiness except in the realization that we have accomplished something." -Henry Ford

"We thought, because we had power, we had wisdom." -Stephan Vincent Benet

"Perfectionism is simply putting a limit on your future. When you have an idea of perfect in your mind, you open the door to constantly comparing what you have now with what you want. That type of self criticism is significantly deterring." -John Eliot

"Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death."-James F. Byrnes

"The question that sometimes drives me hazy: Am I, or the others crazy?"- Albert Einstein

"Evil is always unspectacular and always human. And shares our bed...and eats at our table."- W.H. Auden

"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."- Confucius

"The house does not rest on the ground, but upon a woman."- Mexican proverb

"There are some that only employ words for the purpose of disguising their thoughts."- Voltaire

"We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others, that in the end, we become disguised to ourselves."- François de la Rochefoucauld

"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth."- Oscar Wilde

"Remember that all through history, there have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they seem invincible. But in the end, they always fall. Always."- Mahatma Ghandi

"Between the idea and the reality, between the motion and the act, falls the shadow."- T.S. Eliot

"All secrets are deep. All secrets become dark. That's in the nature of secrets."- Cory Doctorow

"If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace."- Thomas Paine

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."- Mahatma Ghandi

"Nothing is easier than to denounce the evil doer; Nothing more difficult than understanding him."- Fyodor Dostoevsky

"The noir hero is a knight in blood caked armor. He's dirty and he does his best to deny the fact that he's a hero the whole time."- Frank Miller

"We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will."- Chuck Palahniuk

"Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime."- Ernest Hemingway

"I think the truly natural things are dreams, which nature can't touch with decay."- Bob Dylan

"...for he today who sheds his blood with me shall be my brother."- William Shakespeare

"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin to slit throats."- H.L. Mencken

"There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child. Things never get back to the way they were."- President Dwight Eisenhower

"The strength of a family, like the strength of an army, is in its loyalty to each other."- Mario Puzo

"For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who don't believe, no proof is possible."- Stuart Chase

"The prostitute is not, as feminists claim, the victim of men, but rather their conqueror, an outlaw, who controls the sexual channels between nature and culture."- Camille Paglia

"Sometimes there are no words. No clever quotes to neatly sum up what's happened that day... sometimes the day... just... ends."- Aaron Hotchner

"There is no witness so dreadful, no accuser so terrible as the conscience that dwells in the heart of every man."- Polybius

"You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around -- and why his parents will always wave back."- Journalist William D. Tammeus

"In all the darkest pages in the malign supernatural, there is no more terrible tradition than that of a vampire - a pariah even among demons."- Montague Summers

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and of unspeakable love."- Washington Irving

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate."- Isaac Asimov

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive."- Sir Walter Scott

"The Internet is the first thing that humanity has built that humanity doesn't understand, the largest experiment in anarchy that we have ever had."- Eric Schmidt

"We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path." - Paulo Coelho

"I'm telling you this because you don't get it. You think you get it, which is not the same as actually getting it. Get it? - Kakashi Hatake

"Late to bed, early to rise makes a child appreciate caffeine," - The Sir and Ma'am Chronicles, Truth Be Told 13

"He who sees a need and waits to be asked for help is as unkind as if he had refused it." - Dante Alighieri

"Jack of all trades, master of none, though often better than a master of one." - Unknown

"To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing." - Elbert Hubbard

"In Germany, they first came for the communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Catholic. Then they came for me - and by that time there was nobody left to speak up." - Martin Niemöller

"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats." - Henry Louis Mencken

"The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out for himself, without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane and intolerable, and so, if he is romantic, he tries to change it. And even if he is not romantic personally he is very apt to spread discontent among those who are." - Henry Louis Mencken

"The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in times of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality." -Dante Alighieri

"No sadness is greater than in misery to rehearse memories of joy." - Dante Alighieri

"The path to paradise begins in hell." - Dante Alighieri

"The man who lies asleep will never waken fame, and his desire and all his life drift past him like a dream, and the traces of his memory fade from time like smoke in air, or ripples on a stream." - Dante Alighieri

"If we do not abolish war on this earth, then surely, one day war will abolish us from this earth." -Harry S. Truman

"The gates of hell are open night and day; Smooth the descent, and easy is the way: But to return, and view the cheerful skies, in this the task and mighty labor lies."- Vergil

"Who was it who warned, be careful what you wish for? Whoever they were, I'd like to crush them under a mountain of boulders. Tear out all their innards. Roast them over searing hot flames. And then... I'd tell them they were right." - Basil

"I don't mind being corrected. Not at all. Except, of course, when it happens in public or private." - Basil

"Insanity is irrelevant. What matters is who has who locked in what cage." - Ray Bradbury

"The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist." - The Usual Suspects

"All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That's how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day. You had a bad day once. Am I right? I know I am. I can tell. You had a bad day and everything changed." - The Joker, Batman

"Neither a man nor a crowd nor a nation can be trusted to act humanely, or to think sanely under the influence of great fear." – Bertrand Russell

"All that we see or seem, is but a dream within a dream." – Edgar Allen Poe

"I turn away from stars that may have burned out aeons ago. I no longer wish to look at them. I no longer wish to look at dead things." – Dr. Manhattan in Alan Moore’s ‘Watchman’

"Faithless are those who bid farewell when the road darkens." – J.R.R. Tolken

"Anyone in the United States today who isn’t paranoid must be crazy." – Robert Anton Wilson

"And the wild regrets and the bloody sweats, none knew so well as I...That he who lives more lives than one, more than one shall die." - Oscar Wilde

"Some say the world will end in fire, Some say in ice. From what I've tasted of desire, I hold with those who favor fire." - Robert Frost

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other human invention in history…with the possible exception of handguns and tequila." – Mitch Ratcliffe

"Never forget me, forget me never, but if you forget me, forget me forever." - Unknown

"But of course I'm out of my mind! Do you know how dark is in there? It's creepy" - Ofunu

"You have to take the good with the bad, Smile when your sad, Love what you've got, and remember what you've had. Always forgive but never forget, Learn from your mistakes But never regret. People change, things go wrong.Just remember, Life goes on." - Daniela X. Daraz

"Pride is tasteless, sizeless, and colorless, but it's the hardest thing to swallow." - Unknown

"The hardest battle you're ever going to fight ... is the battle to just be you." - Unknown

"Here's to the crazy ones! The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them. Disagree with them. Glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do." - Unknown

'When I ran, I didn’t feel like a runaway. When I escaped, I didn’t feel like I got away. There’s more to living than only surviving, Maybe I’m not there but I’m still trying." - Unknown

"Forever and anon, we dance the endless waltz of centuries... All is laughter as we fall to the endless sound of rain..." - Unknown

"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today." - Unknown

"Give me your pain, your regrets and your fears. And I'll show the meaning of loss." - Unknown

"Tomorrow, remembers today's efforts even if you don't. So strive, do your best, because the future never forgets." - Unknown

"We need others. We need others to love and we need to be loved by them. There is no doubt that without it, we too, like the infant left alone, would cease to grow, cease to develop, choose madness and even death." - Leo F. Buscaglia

"Everyone has a mask. One we let others label us as. One we pretend what we are for our sanity and one that hides the truths that we hide from ourselves. We wear many layers of masks, all of them shielding us from something; whether it’s ourselves or the world. We wear these masks for many reasons, most of us for hiding our secrets, insecurities and fears. However, like some I wear a mask to save myself from pain. Of both heart and body, but with time these masks erode, corrupting or weakening or enlightening us. To cast aside a mask is like to cast aside safety, familiarity, and control. We would face judgment. It remains to be seen how the world would change around us. We fear the uncontrollable, the unpredictable and the unknown. That is why we wear masks for the sake of power over these fears." - Unknown

"If you show a gun in the first act it had better have been fired by the third act."- Alfred Hitchcock

"Have the courage to live. Anyone can die."-Robert Cody

"Innocence is like polished armour; it adorns and defends."- Robert South

"Death is not the greatest of evils; it is worse to want to die, and not be able to."-Sophocles

"The most powerful force in the universe is gossip."-Dave Barry

"I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive."-Oriah Mountain Dreamer

"It doesn't interest me who you are, how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back."-Oriah Mountain Dreamer

"I want to know what sustains you from the inside, when all else falls away."-Oriah Mountain Dreamer

"A man who trusts in luck better have plenty of it."-Zedd, Legend of the Seeker

"One agonizing journey down the gauntlet of youth is enough for any man."-Zedd, Legend of the Seeker

"There is no greater hell than being a prisoner of fear."- Ben Johnson

"The significance of a man is not in what he attains but in what he longs to attain."– Kahlil Gibran

"He who opens a school door, closes a prison."- Victor Hugo

"Women have wonderful instincts about things. They can discover everything except the obvious."- Oscar Wilde

"He who exercises no forethought but makes light of his opponents is sure to be captured by them."- Sun Tzu

"It is not true that life is one damn thing after another—it is one damn thing over and over."- Edna St. Vincent Milay

"The only people who are good at their jobs are the ones that put their heart into it," -Lithius

"By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is the noblest; second, by imitation, which is the easiest; third, by experience, which is the bitterest." - Confucious

"Life is not easy for any of us? But what of it? We must have perserverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe we are gifted for something and that things must be attained." - Marie Curie

"Keep fighting for the things you believe in. You will lose, as I did, every battle. There is only one you can possibly win: the one you engage every morning, when you shave in front of the mirror. If you can stare at your reflection without shame, be content with yourselves." Indro Montanelli - The Room - 02/20/1996

"Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without hope."- Hal Lindsey

"There is nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home. When you've lost it all, that's when you finally realize that life is beautiful."- Nikki Sixx

Extras and Funny Lists I Have Found:

MURPHY'S LAWS

THE PRIME AXIOM: In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can go wrong, will.

2. If the possibility exists of several things going wrong, the one that will go wrong is the one that will do the most damage.

3. Everything will go wrong at one time.
-3.1 That time is always when you least expect it.

4. If nothing can go wrong, something will.

5. Nothing is as easy as it looks.

6. Everything takes longer than you think.

7. Left to themselves, things always go from bad to worse.

8. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

9. Given the most inappropriate time for something to go wrong, that's when it will occur.

10. Mother Nature is a bitch.
-10.1 The universe is not indifferent to intelligence, it is actively hostile to it.

11. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

12. If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the answer can be obtained by simple inspection.

13. Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.

14. If it doesn't fit, use a bigger hammer.

15. In an instrument or device characterized by a number of plus-or-minus errors, the total error will be the sum of all the errors adding in the same direction.

16. In any given calculation, the fault will never be placed if more than one person is involved.
-16.1 In any given discovery, the credit will never be properly placed if more than one person is involved.

17. All warranty and guarantee clauses become invalid upon payment of the final invoice.

18. Murphy's Law: "If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it."

The Laws of Anime Version 6.0

Originally compiled and edited by Darrin Bright and Ryan Shellito

#1. Law of Metaphysical Irregularity
The normal laws of physics do not apply.

#2. Law of Differentiated Gravitation
Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborn, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.

#3. Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics
In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.

#4. Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion
In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.

#5. Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion
The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.

#6. Law of Temporal Variability
Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something 'cool' or 'impressive'. Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.

#7. First Law of Temporal Mortality
'Good Guys' and 'Bad Guys' both die in one of two ways. Either so quick they don't even see it coming, OR it's a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence or why the toast always lands butter side down.

#8. Second Law of Temporal Mortality
It takes some time for bad guys to die... regardless of physical damage. Even when the 'Bad Guys' are killed so quickly they didn't even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.

#9. Law of Dramatic Emphasis
Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still-frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white).

#10, Law of Dramatic Multiplicity
Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a 'Good Guy' kicks the 'Bad Guy' in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.

#11. Law of Inherent Combustability
Everything explodes. Everything.
First Corollary - Anything that explodes bulges first.
Second Corollary - Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities, sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".

#12. Law of Phlogistatic Emission
Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.

#13. Law of Energetic Emission
There is alway an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy 'bulge') before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law of Inherent Combustability.

#14. Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude
The destructive potential of a weapon is inversly proportional to its size.
First Corollary - Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also know as the A-Ko phenomenon.

#15. Law of Inexhaustability
No one EVER runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.

#16. Law of Inverse Accuracy
The accuracy of a 'Good Guy' when operating any form of fire-arm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the 'Bad Guys' when operating fire-arms decreases when the difficulty of the shot decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect)
Example: A 'Good Guy' in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of 'Bad Guys' firing on a 'Good Guy' standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss.
First Corollary - The more 'Bad Guys' there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage.
Second Corollary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is faced with insurmountable odds, the 'Bad Guys' line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape.
Third Corollary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a designated 'Good Guy Area', usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm, which restricts the 'Good Guy' from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvres.

#17. Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability
Minmei is a bimbo.

#18. Law of Hemoglobin Capacity
The human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.

#19. Law of Demonic Consistency
Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown (but black is not unknown), and can only be hurt by bladed weapons.

#20. Law of Militaristic Unreliability
Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war-machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.

#21. Law of Tactical Unreliability
Tactical geniuses aren't...

#22. Law of Inconsequential Undetectability
People never notice the little things... Like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.

#23. Law of Juvenile Intellectuality
Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as annoying.

#24. Law of Americanthropomorphism
Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles, either as a really nasty skinny 'Bad Guy' or a big stupid 'Good Guy'.
First Corollary - The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line Effect.)
Second Corollary - The only people who are more stupid than the American translators are the American editors and censors.

#25. Law of Mandibular Proportionality
The size of a person's mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.

#26. Law of Feline Mutation
Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
a) be female
b) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation
c)and wear as little clothing as possible, if any.

#27. Law of Conservation of Firepower
Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used only as a last resort.

#28. Law of Technological User-Benevolence
The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.

#29. Law of Melee Luminescence
Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for 'good guys' and red for 'bad guys'. This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.

#30. Law of Non-anthropomorphic Antagonism
All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.

#31. Law of Follicular Chroma Variability
Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.

#32. Law of Follicular Permanence
Hair in anime is pretty much indestructable, and can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone's hair is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons!

#33. Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime Aero-Dynamics
ANY shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is automatically aerodynamic.

#34. Law of Probable Attire
Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines.
--Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off the afore-mentioned female's clothes, then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower Scene).
--Whenever there is a headwind, a Male characters will invariably wear a long cloak which doesn't hamper movement and billows out dramatically behind him.
First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability) - All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.
Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability) - Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage.

#35. Law of Musical Omnipotence
Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument, etc.) is automatically capable of doing much more "simple" things like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so on... especially if they have never attempted these things before.

#36. Law of Quitupular Aggultination
Also called "The Five-man Rule," when "Good Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic positions, which are:
a) The Hero/Leader
b) His girlfriend
c) His Best Friend/Rival
d) A Hulking Brute
e) A Dwarf/Kid
Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include:
--Extreme Coolness
--Amazing intelligence
--Incredible Irritation

#37. Law of Extradimensional Capacitance
All anime females have an extradimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment's notice.
First Corollary (The Hammer Rule) - The most common item stored is a heavy mallet, which can be used with unerring accuracy on any male who deserves it. Other common items include costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.

#38. Law of Hydrostatic Emission
Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed, embarrassed, or worried, this sweat gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.

#39. Law of Inverse Attraction
Success at finding suitable mates is inversely proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the less you get.
First Corollary Unfortunately, this law seems to apply to Otaku in the real world...

#40. Law of Nasal Sanguination
When sexually aroused, males in Anime don't get erections, they get nosebleeds. No one's sure why this is, though... the current theory suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see Law #38 above). Females don't get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region.

#41. Law of Xylolaceration
Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal swords, if not sharper.

#42. Law of Juvenile Omnipotence
Always send a boy to do a man's job. He'll get it done in half the time and twice the angst.

#43. Law of Quadrotriscadecophobia
There is no Law #43.

#44. Law of Nominative Clamovocation
The likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced.

#45. Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis
Regardless of how long or involved the transformation sequence or how many times they've seen it before, any 'Bad Guys' witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it.

#46. Law of Flimsy Incognition
Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives.

#47- Law of Mandibular Combustible Emission- All anime characters seem to have some unknown chemical on their breath that reacts VERY violently with extremely hot or spicy food. This chemical may also be responsible for the phenomenon of fire behind the eyes and from the mouth when a character (usually a female) is really angry.

#48- Law of Electrical and Combustible Survivalism- If you get electrocuted or burned, YOU WILL SURVIVE!! Though your entire body will be scorched, seconds later, your skin won’t have a trace of damage (Also known as the "Pikachu Effect").
First Corollary- When a magical bad guy/Alien/monster fires off a flame, wind, or ice attack, the resulting effect is only enough for the hero(es)/heroine(s) to be standing in the "Walking Against the Wind" stance, with his/her eyes shut and letting out a pathetic "Aaaaagh!", and yet they are never harmed. This may be in part to laws 32, 34 and sometimes 44.

#49- Law of Female wrath- If a male character insults a female character, he will get a mallet, shotgun, or tank blast, or if she is a character that can perform magical feats, a fireball or whatever, to the head, body or whatever (Also known as the "Lina Inverse/Gourry Factor") This is because he always deserves it, and will help him to cope in today’s society. (Sniff Sniff

#50- Law of Artistic Perversion- Most (not all) Anime artists are perverts and are under the impression that girls are willing to tear off their clothes, or wear VERY small, revealing outfits at the drop of a pin (or pen for that matter). Unfortunately, most Hentai fans are under the same impression.

#51- Law of Uninteruptable Nominative Clamovocation- This law is a mixture of Laws 44 and 45. Regardless of how long or involved the Spell or projectile attack is, and the likelihood of success and damage done by the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced, or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys" witnessing a hero/heroine quoting the incantations for an extremely powerful attack are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it. (Also known as the "Dragon Slave
Phenomenon")

52- Law of Telepathic Obliviousness- Most of the time, some Anime characters (usually males) will think personal (Like that he/she has sabotaged something), or perverted thoughts, while near some other character, WHO’S TELEPATHIC!! The reasons for this are:
1) They forgot that the person is telepathic.
2) They just don’t give a damn.
The reasons the telepathic person doesn’t react are:
1) They’re preoccupied with doing something else.
2) They’d rather keep the fact to themselves that they are Telepathic.
3) They just don’t give a damn.

#53- Law of Chromatic Diversity- Air can be any color of the viewable spectrum.

#54- Law of Old Man Comic Relief- Comic relief comes in the form of a short, bald, wise-mouthed dirty old man or alien. Or the combination of any two of those traits.
First Corollary- If old man is present, and is acting too horny, stupid, etc., there will invariably be an old woman to whap him over the head with a frying pan or something.

#55- Law of the Wise Old Man- Little old Japanese men always know how it ends and withhold the ending from anyone, especially the hero. This includes special power weapons, ancient relics, and people who know everything.

#56- Law of Omnipotent Unreliability- Any "Bad Guy" with Omnipotent powers/weapons will never use those powers/weapons against the "Good Guy" until it is too late.
First Corollary- All "Bad Guys" suffer from Antagonistic Boasting Syndrome which require all "Bad Guys" to threaten with or exemplify their prowess and not use it against the "Good Guy".
Second Corollary- No "Bad Guy" may use any new, secret, or superior military device without one of the following events occurring:
a) The control device being broken.
b)The control device being taken by the "Good Guy".
c) The control device is in fact not the real device at all and was just "fooled" by the "Good Guy".
d) The "Bad Guy" has already lost and cannot use the device.

#57- Law of Minimum Corneal Volume- Eyeballs may make up no less than one sixth of the face’s total surface area. More so if the case is a blonde woman.

#58- Law of Electrical Charges in Hair- Hair attracts electricity in abundance, resulting in two outcomes:
a) A positive charge will result in the spikes-flying-everywhere-behind-me look.
b)A negative charge will result in the hair-cascading-down-to-the-waist-in-a-single-sheet look.

#59- Law of Ammunition Accuracy- When there are multiple types of ammunition available (paintballs, speaker pods), non-lethal rounds will always be more accurate when compared to "standard" or lethal shots. (Macross Plus for paintballs, Macross 7 for speaker pods)

#60- Law of Active Female Attraction- In a comedy series, a male character’s attractiveness to women is inversely proportional to how active they pursue them. (Tenchi, Ranma, and Makoto OVA have a seemingly endless supply of willing girlfriends despite their lack of romantic skill while Happosai, Ataru, and Carrot couldn’t get a date despite or because of their constant attempts.)

#61- Law of Sweat Pore Variability- When a person is embarrassed, caught in an awkward situation, or otherwise humiliated, all sweat pores on the body contract, except for ones on the forehead. These pores expand to such a degree that a single drop could fill a Big Gulp from 7-11.

#62- The Law of Inverse Training Time- A person who has been training for 3 years is never as good as someone who has been training for one month.

#63- Law of Needs to Few and Many- The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few... of even the one.

#64- Law of Bad Humor- Whenever someone says something that is intended to be funny, whether actually funny or not, the rest of the characters (even animals) fall to the ground with their feet in the air. Sweat sometimes accompanies the fall. (The sound of a cow mooing usually accompanies the joke as well.)

#65- Law of Extreme Anger- Whenever a female character gets mad, such as seeing the male character with another girl, she becomes extremely strong (despite her usually helpless look) so that she can lift a 1000 ton object to hurt the guy. She can sometimes perform other punishments that are just as cruel such as pinching the guy’s face so hard that it changes shape. (see law #49)

#66- Law of Differentiated Gravitation-
First Corollary- If the airborne entity exceeds an altitude equal or greater than two times the height of the entity, gravity is decreased by an inverse coefficient relative to the upward momentum and mass/weight (if within at least 500 km of any gravity source) of the entity "jumping".
Second Corollary- The amount of Newtonian "opposite force" (in accordance to normal downward velocity; "Earth gravity" speed is equal to 32ft/sec/sec) is also inversely proportional to the "actual" speed of the airborne entity. In all actuality, an entity that appears to be flying towards a solid concrete parking lot
from space will actually land, producing an opposite force of approximately 1.73 lb. of pressure. Unless this particular entity is a "Bad Guy". Then the law exhibits a mysterious exponentially proportional Newtonian opposite force, thusly increasing this variable by a factor equal to the inverse-gravity potential.

#67- Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases, the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient must be increased by a proportional amount to compensate. In any situation where this does not happen, the "Bad Guy" inevitably comes out on top. However, this usually leads to a further rise in the Ambient Dramatic tension, which will always be offset by an exponential increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient.

#68- Law of Coercive Vehicular Control- No matter how complex or well defined the control system, a character controlling a vehicle of any sort always does so through means of undetectable subconscious psychokinesis.
First Corollary- Characters can perform actions with their vehicles which clearly defy normal physics (see Laws of Metaphysical Irregularity and Constant Thrust). The velocity, attitude and traction of the vehicle appear to be adjusted at will, with the degree of absolute control being proportional to the complexity and lethality of the maneuver.
Second Corollary- It is effectively impossible to remove characters from or disrupt the passage of their vehicles without the character’s consent. This does not always apply to "Bad Guy" characters, or "Good Guy" characters in situations where the Ambient Dramatic Tension could increase in accordance with the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension.

#69- Amendment to the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases without a corresponding increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient, not only does the "Bad Guy" usually come out on top, but also his Smugness Factor increases in proportion to the rise in Ambient Dramatic Tension.

#70- Law of The Rushing Background Effect- Whenever something dramatic occurs, a survival instinct engages, thus rendering all incoming stimulus that is not directly and immediately to the dramatic situation at hand a meaningless blur. This is often referred to as "The Rushing Background Effect". Due to the increase in brain activity and adrenaline levels in the bloodstream, the scene is often played out in slow motion.

#71- Law of Interdimensional Hammers- Whenever a female character witnesses a male character of her preference performing any sort of questionable act (i.e. Looking at
another girl or anything she might construe as perverted) she can reach into an interdimensional realm (usually behind her back) and withdraw a huge Anime Mallet of Doom with which to whack the said male over the head with. (see Laws # 37, 49, and 65)

#72- Law of Instant Band-Aids- Whenever a character is injured (usually in a head shot, maybe from a mallet whack) Band-Aids will always instantly appear on the wounded individual (and always in pairs, set in a cross fashion). These bandages will then, most likely, disappear by the character’s next scene.

#73- Law of Universal Edge Defense- Any projectile attack, from a blast of magic to a hail of bullets, can be easily defended against by holding a suitably cool-looking sword or other bladed weapon between the attacker and defender, usually so that the edge cuts into the incoming attack(s), causing both halves to go flying harmlessly past the defender. Observed most often in fantasy and martial arts anime.

#74- Law of Intractable Sanity- There is no such thing as insanity in anime. When faced with horrifying supernatural forces that would drive most men mad, anime
characters will either:
a) Die quickly (but in accordance with all other laws e.g., slowdown and exposition),
b) Get possessed by them, especially if they are beautiful girls or men in a position to ravish beautiful girls, or
c) Kill them, wipe the blood off their blades, and walk on whistling.

#75- Law of Celestial Body Control- At a dramatically correct moment, a hero can summon a sun/moon/halo to appear behind him/her to cause a dramatic silhouette.

#76- Law of Aura of Forgetfulness- Any hero who wishes his/her identity to remain a secret will invariably succeed regardless of disguise because everyone around him/her will forget everything. Otherwise, how does Sailor Moon keep her disguise?

#77- Law of Cool Hair Factor- The hair of a hero will always coalesce into thick strands that drape his face into a dramatic fashion, regardless of wind, the
elements, etc. (see Laws 32 & 48)

#78- Law of Inverse Coping- Any single event will happen to the ONE character LEAST capable of dealing with it.

#79- Law of Martial Arts Training Invulnerability- The Myth that certain martial arts will enable you to become so strong, that you can stop a nuclear warhead with your bare palm. Unfortunately, for most otaku, they found the hard way that it just doesn’t work in real life...

#80- Law of Stereotype Captain characteristics- If a captain of any type of ship is male, he will invariably wear a big captain’s cap, a long overcoat, and have a shaggy beard and mustache (pipe optional), and be a great tactician. If the captain is female, however, she will invariably be young, well endowed, and ditzy as a pole (horny father optional). Yet, she too will be a great tactician.

#81- Law of Shades/Coolness Factor- Shades can make you instantly cool, even if you’re normally a klutz.

#82- Law of Hentai Plot- The proper response to any change in the plotline of a Hentai anime is to start having sex.

#83- Law of Understatement- Anything that is deemed too impossible will become possible.
First Corollary- Any "Bad Guy" stating "T-that’s impossible!" whenever the hero is accomplishing some new feat/move/projectile will find out too late that he is wrong and will invariably be toasted.

#84- Law of Dormant Powers- Anytime a hero is somehow outpowered and/or outclassed by the villain, he will invariably release powers/new moves he never knew he could accomplish... but his old teacher did!

#85- Law of Style Coefficient- In a situation where a Good guy may be in dire straits, he will become stronger, smarter and more cool in a matter of seconds. (see Laws #67, 69, and 84)

#86- Law of Bad Guy Smugness Factor- Whenever the villain actually succeeds in beating the hero, they will begin to gloat uncontrollably, because they’ve never won against the "Good Guy" (because they’re Eeeviiil!!). They usually get so cocky, they tie the hero to a conveyor belt leading to his doom and leave to get a snack. Usually this results in:
a) The hero escaping.
b) Clean-up for the underlings.
c) The villain getting toasted.

#87- Law of Tableware Nonexistence- There IS no spoon.

#88- Law of Goofy Turn-Ons- In Hentai, ordinary , pedestrian objects sometimes have the magical power of either inducing orgasm or arousal. Some include warm water, rolling on a smooth tabletop, wind, mild electrocution, the character toweling themselves after a bath/shower, and very cold objects... like bottles of 7-up.

#89- Law of Penile Variance- All Anime men in Hentai have a ridiculously large penis (lengths of 8, 9, 10 and 11 inches are most common). Some even have ones the size of telephone poles, despite the blood loss that would accompany it...

#90-Law of Hentai Female Characteristics- All Hentai women have the following characteristics:
1) Very sensitive and/or very large breasts with large nipples.
2) Very tight and/or sensitive vaginas.

#91- Law of Vaginal Variance- Hentai Anime women can take penis lengths of 8" and up... completely... despite the fact that they might have a tight and/or sensitive vagina.

#92- Law of Hero Identification- All heroes are introduced by way of appearance while someone talking about their (in)famous-ness, or by way of a voice-over of them introducing themselves.

#93- Law of Cute Mascots- Any anime either Shojo or Shonen has GOT to have at least one cute, furry little mascot by penalty of death!
First Corollary- If it is a Shonen Anime, the hero will be accompanied by a Dog, Cat or any kind of animal, real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the male persuasion. Any animal that would be associated with girls that is following him around is there because:
1) It’s his girlfriend’s.
2) It is following him, despite his insistence not to do so.
3) Chicks will dig him more.
Second Corollary- If it is a Shojo Anime, the heroine will be accompanied by a cat, cute lil’ mouse, or some disgustingly cute monster, or any kind of animal, real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the female persuasion. Any animal that would be associated with guys that is following her around is there because:
1) It’s her boyfriend’s.
2) It is following her, despite her insistence not to do so.
3) It makes her look cool.

#94- Law of The Force- Most Anime heroes are blessed with a unique sort of ability that enables bad things to happen to those that deserve it or makes things like bullets or debris totally miss them (Also referred to as "Dumb Luck"), even though they are mostly unaware of it. Those who have this ability include Vash the Stampede, Captain Justy Ueki Tylor, and Jar Jar Binks.

#95- Law of Naughty Tentacles- All Anime Tentacles are VERY horny and will rape any human female, regardless of age ("She’s 18! No! Really, she is! I’m not lying!...")
First Corollary- Even when raped or molested by tentacles, Hentai Anime girls eventually get into it & begin squealing in ecstasy. NO one knows WHY this is, but some theorize there may be some kind of chemical that is secreted through the skin of the tentacle...
Second Corollary- Women who are impregnated by a tentacle creature never experience morning sickness, and also find it to be intensely pleasurable (Also known as the Goofy Meter Redline Effect).
Third Corollary- Similarly, the resulting... offspring of tentacle/human relations is immediately sexually active, often impregnating its own mother again.

#96- Law of Cat-Fighting- Two females with a grudge can and will go at each other, sometimes ripping off clothes. Sometimes it escalates so much, that property damage begins to occur.
First Corollary- A running fight can be so destructive, you can follow it from a distance just by watching for the smoke. (Also known as the "A-ko/B-ko Thing")

#97- Law of Healing- Most anime heroes have a Wolverine-like healing factor that enables them to regenerate from a massive wound or broken bone within minutes. Being immortal sometimes helps. (Also known as the "Priss Effect".)

#98- Law of Stereotype Crew Characteristics- All ships, either waterborne or spaceborne, have the following crew members:
1) The captain
2) His Lieutenant
3) Various female technical staff
4) A hotshot pilot
5) A cute little girl/twins (either stowaways or not)
6) The Doctor
7) The Doctor’s assistant (either a spy or not)
Weighted among the crew are various quirks which include:
1) Extreme coolness/luck
2) Amazing Intelligence
3) Incredible irritation
4) Extreme cuteness
5) Irresponsible drunkenness
6) Homophobicness
7) Emotionless (Idiots.)

#99- Law of Sparklines- Whenever a character of the main character’s interest appears, flowers, sparkles, or abstract circles of pastel colors appear around said character, or both. Roses with exaggerated thorns appear when it is dangerous love. No one knows why this is, though most have a theory: Anime characters are freaks! At least, Marker Apenname seems to think so...

#100- Law of Anime Events- Much like wrestling, anything and everything can happen.

Murphy's War Law

1. Friendly fire - isn't.

2. Recoilless rifles - aren't.

3. Suppressive fires - won't.

4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.

5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

8. If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.

9. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

10. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

11. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

12. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

13. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.

14. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
-when they're ready.
-when you're not.

15. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.

16. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

17. Five second fuses always burn three seconds.

18. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

19. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
The Ol' Ranger's addendum: Or else they're trying to suck you into a serious ambush!

20. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.

21. The easy way is always mined.

22. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

23. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire... For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.

24. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

25. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

26. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.

27. Incoming fire has the right of way.

28. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

29. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

30. If the enemy is within range, so are you.

31. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

32. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.

33. Things that must work together can't be carried to the field that way.

34. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.

35. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather (and especially during both).

36. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.

37. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.

38. Tracers work both ways.

39. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.

40. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.

41. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

42. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.

43. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.

44. Weather ain't neutral.

45. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed toward you.

46. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.'

47. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.

48. Napalm is an area support weapon.

49. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

50. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.

51. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.

52. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.

53. The one item you need is always in short supply.

54. Interchangeable parts aren't.

55. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.

56. When in doubt, empty your magazine.

57. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

58. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

59. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

60. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.

61. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.

62. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.

63. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.

64. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.

65. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.

66. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.

67. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.

68. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss.

69. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.

70. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.

71. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.

72. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

73. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.

74. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.

75. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism (in boot camp).

76. Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.

77. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.

78. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.

79. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.

80. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism, to steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.

81. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.

82. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that bill is filled by someone else.

83. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack, when you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.

84. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.

85. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

86. Murphy was a grunt.

87. Beer Math: 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.

88. Body count Math: 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.

89. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.

90. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.

91. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.

92. The crucial round is a dud.

93. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.

94. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.

95. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.

96. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you, if your ambush is properly set the enemy won't walk into it, if your flank march is going well the enemy expects you to outflank him.

97. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.

98. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.

99. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.

100. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).

101. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.

102. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.

103. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.

104. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands right at your feet.

105. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.

106. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

107. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.

108. Walking point = sniper bait.

109. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.

110. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.

111. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.

112. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

113. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.

114. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

115. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.

116. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

117. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

118. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.

119. There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you... and miss.

120. Don't be conspicuous; in the combat zone it draws fire, out of the combat zone it draws sergeants, if they can see you, so can the enemy... All or any of the above combined.

121. Avoid loud noises, there are few silent killers in a combat zone.

122. Never screw over a buddy; you'll never know when he could save your life.

123. Never expect any rations; the only rations that will be on time and won't be short is the ration of shit.

124. Respect all religions in a combat zone, take no chances on where you may go if killed.

125. A half filled canteen is a beacon for a full loaded enemy weapon.

126. When in a fire fight, kill as many as you can, the one you miss may not miss tomorrow.

127. It is a physical impossibility to carry too much ammo.

128. If you survive an ambush, something's wrong.

129. If you can see the flashes from the enemies' guns in battle, he can see yours too.

130. Flashlights, lighters and matches don't just illuminate the surrounding area; they illuminate you too.

131. Just because you have nearly impenetrable body armor and a hard-ass Kevlar helmet, doesn't mean you don't have exposed areas.

132. There are few times when the enemy can't hear you: When he's dead, you're dead, or both.
Addendum: When he's not there, when you're not there, or both.

133. Never cover a dead body with your own in hopes of looking like you're one of the casualties. Even using his cadaver is a stretch to avoid being shot "just in case."

134. You're only better than your enemy if you kill him first.

135. Never underestimate the ability of the brass to foul things up.

136. You have two mortal enemies in combat; the opposing side and your own rear services.

137. You think the enemy has better artillery support and the enemy thinks yours is better; you're both right.

138. Three things you will never see in combat; hot chow, hot showers, and an uninterrupted night's sleep.

139. "Live" and "Hero" are mutually exclusive terms.

140. Once you are in the fight it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea.

141. NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition that the other guy.

142. Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.

143. Sometimes, being good and lucky still is not enough.

144. If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.

145. If you are wearing body armor they will probably miss that part.

146. Happiness is a belt fed weapon.

147. Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative.

148. If you are allergic to lead it is best to avoid a war zone.

149. Hot garrison chow is better than hot C-rations which, in turn, are better than cold C-rations, which are better than no food at all. All of these, however, are preferable to cold rice balls even if they do have little pieces of fish in them.

150. A free fire zone has nothing to do with economics.

151. Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better.

152. Being shot hurts.

153. Thousands of Veterans earned medals for bravery every day, a few were even awarded.

154. There is only one rule in war: When you win, you get to make up the rules.

155. C-4 can make a dull day fun.

156. There is no such thing as a fair fight -- only ones where you win or lose.

157. If you win the battle you are entitled to the spoils.

158. If you lose you don't care.

159. Nobody cares what you did yesterday or what you are going to do tomorrow, what is important is what you are doing -- NOW -- to solve our problem.

160. Always make sure someone has a can opener.

161. Prayer may not help . . . but it can't hurt.

162. Flying is better than walking, walking is better than running, running is better than crawling. All of these, however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac even if it is technically, is a form of flying.

163. If everyone does not come home none of the rest of us can ever fully come home either.

164. Carrying any weapon that you weren't issued (e.g, an AK) in combat is NOT A GOOD IDEA!
-A combat vet will know the sound of an unfamiliar weapon in an instant and will point and shoot.
-Not only that, AKs use green tracers which mean "shoot 'em all and let God sort them out".

165. As has been noted, "Friendly fire isn't!"

Laws to live by:

Murphy's law: 1. If anything can go wrong, it will." 2. "If there's more than one possible outcome of a job or task, and one of those outcomes will result in disaster or an undesirable consequence, then somebody will do it that way" 3. "Whatever can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way."

Godwin's Rule of Nazi Analogies: As a discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one.

Hanlon's razor: 1. Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. 2. Never assume malice when stupidity will suffice.

Amara's Law: "We tend to overestimate the effect of a technology in the short run and underestimate the effect in the long run.

Benford's law of controversy: The Passion of an arguement is inversely proportional to the amount of real information available.

Dilbert Principal: The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.

Gall's Law: "A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that worked."

Herblock's Law: If it's good, they'll stop making it.

Hutber's Law: "Improvement means deterioration".

Littlewood's Law: Individuals can expect a miracle to happen to them at the rate of about one per month.

Meadow's Law: One is a tragedy, two is suspicious and three is murder, until proved otherwise.

Muphry's Law: If you write anything criticizing editing or proofreading, there will be a fault of some kind in what you have written.

Okrent's Law: The pursuit of balance can create imbalance because sometimes something is true.

Parkingson's Law:Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.

Peter's Principle: In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.

Reilly's Law: People generally patronize the largest mall in the area.

Roemer's Law: A hospital bed built is a bed filled

Rothbard's Law: Everyone specializes in his own area of weakness.

Sayre's Law: "In any dispute the intensity of feeling is inversely proportional to the value of the stakes at issue." By way of corollary, the law adds: "That is why academic politics are so bitter."

Schneier's Law: Any person can invent a security system so clever that she or he can't think of how to break it.

Segal's Law A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure."

Skitt's Law: a corollary of Muphry's law, variously expressed as "any post correcting an error in another post will contain at least one error itself" or "the likelihood of an error in a post is directly proportional to the embarrassment it will cause the poster."

Stigler's Law: No scientific discovery is named after its original discoverer.

Sturgeon's Revelation: 90 percent of everything is crap.

Sutton's Law: Go where the money is.

Wiener's Law: There are no answers, only cross-references.

69 Ways to Know If You Are a Douchebag

The worst thing about douchebags is that they seem to be spreading. As being stupid and listening to shitty music become more popular, more guys have been going to "salons" for manicures, spray-on tans, or both. Don't allow yourself to become a douchebag! Read our list of possible douchebag symptoms, if you find yourself guilty of anything here, you have a few options: 1.) Stop performing that action! It will move you in the right direction to becoming a functioning member of society. Or 2.) End your own life. For the good of society, please prevent this from becoming an unstoppable epidemic.

You are probably a douchebag if...

1.) You Wear Sunglasses At Night

2.) You Refuse To Wear T-Shirts Since They Are "Un-Collar-Poppable"

3.) You Get Offended By "My New Haircut"

4.) You Wear A Shirt Infrequently

5.) You Refer To Girls As "Bitties"

6.) You Own A Comb That You Carry On You At All Times

7.) You Go Tanning

8.) You Own More Than 10 Pairs Of Flip Flops

9.) You Think Dane Cook Is God

10.) You Work At Abercrombie And Fitch And Are Older Than 19

11.) You Own An Abercrombie And Fitch Credit Card

12.) You Order Salad As An Entree

13.) You Own Neckwear And It's A Crucifix But You Haven't Been To Church Since Christmas And You Love Drinking And Pre-Marital Sex

14.) You Start Fights Over The Best Brand Of Whey Protein

15.) You Start Fights In General

16.) You Only Drink Coors Light

17.) You Refer To Things You Don't Like As "Gay"

18.) You've Worn A Basketball Jersey To School

19.) You Mooch Off Your Parents And Still Treat Them Like Crap

20.) You Own A Scarface Poster

21.) Your Computer's Wallpaper Is A Naked Girl

22.) You Prominently Display Condoms In Your Room

23.) The Amount Of Books You've Read Is Less Than The Amount Of Cell Phones You've Owned

24.) You Refer To Your Male Friends As Your "Boys" On A Regular Basis

25.) You've Spent More Than 5 Minutes "Pimping Out" Your Myspace Page

26.) You Refer To Your Myspace Page As "Pimped Out"

27.) You Put Rims On The Camry Your Dad Bought You

28.) You Still Quote Anchorman, Old School, and Napoleon Dynamite

29.) You "Love The Yankees" But Can Only Name A-Rod And Derek Jeter As Currently Playing For Them

30.) You've Said Your Frat Is "Just Like The One In Animal House, Bro"

31.) You've Ever Worn Just A Wife Beater Anywhere

32.) You Claim To Be Italian Although You've Never Been To Italy And Your Last Native Italian Relative Came To America In 1900

33.) The Amount Of Hair Gel On Your Head Could Properly Lubricate An M-1 Abrams Tank

34.) You've Ever Complimented Another Guy On How Ripped His "Pecs Look"

35.) You Own "Growing Up Gotti" On DVD

36.) You've Ever Purchased Pre-Ripped Jeans Solely Because You Love The Pre-Ripped Look

37.) You Sport This Haircut:

38.) You're In This Picture:

39.) You Think Your Life Is Remarkably Similar To "Entourage" and have ever said "You KNOW that'll be us someday, bro."

40.) You've Ever Taken A Picture Of Yourself Shirtless For The Purpose Of Distributing It On The Internet

41.) You've Ever Said "I Liked That Band BEFORE They Were Famous"

42.) You Started Taking Guitar Lessons Simply So You Could Play Dave Matthews Band's "Crash" At Parties

43.) You Yell "Freebird!" At Every Concert You Attend

44.) Your Wallet Is Attached To Your Pants Via Wallet Chain You Bought At Hot Topic

45.) In Every Picture Of You, You Flash The Backwards "Peace Sign"

46.) You Work At Hot Topic And Are Older Than 19

47.) You Shop At Hot Topic

48.) You've Ever Blamed Climate Change On "Those Republican Assholes" But Haven't Changed Your Lifestyle In Any Way To Combat The Effects Of Global Warming

49.) You Wear The Shirt Of The Band You're Going To See

50.) You Check Out Your "Guns" In The Reflection Of Parked Car Windows

51.) The Name Of Your Car Is Pasted Across The Windshield

52.) You Own More Than Zero Pairs Of "Crocs"

53.) You Spend More Time At The Gym Than You Do Working At A Job

54.) The Majority Of Your Sentences Begin And End With The Words "Dude" "Bro" And/Or "Yo."

55.) You Become Absurdly Angry When A Teammate On Your Recreational Softball/Rollerhockey/Flag Football Team Makes An imperfect Play

56.) Your Hollister Co. Shirt Would Be Snug On A Kindergartner

57.) You Reminisce About How Awesome Your High School Gym Class Touch Football Team Was

58.) You Have A Bumper Sticker That Says "Tell your girlfriend I said thanks."

59.) You Have Pictures Of Muscular Guys In Your Room And Justify It By Saying, "Yo dude, it's just for motivation, bro," And No One Questions You Because You're Being Completely Honest

60.) You're Violently Protective Of Your Community College

61.) You're Chugging A Beer In Your Facebook Picture

62.) You're Not Wearing A Shirt In Your Facebook Picture

63.) You're Chugging A Beer Whilst Shirtless In Your Facebook Picture

64.) The Amount Of Jewelry You Own Would Make Xerxes From "300" Jealous

65.) You Own More Than Zero Flat Brimmed Baseball Caps

66.) Your Chest Is Bigger Than Your Girlfriends

67.) You Cock Your Head In Every Picture Taken Of You

68.) You Always Do The Hand-Shake-Hug Even With People Who You Probably Shouldn't

69.) You've Been Able To Emphatically Answer Yes To More Than A Good Amount Of What I've Just Listed

Man Law

1. No wasted beer in the name of humour.

2. It has been made official that under no circumstances should the male have to pay for birth control

3. If your best friend is dumped by a girl it is a 6 month waiting period till she can be touched. If he breaks up with her it’s a 6 day waiting period.

4. If two or more males arrived at a party by a single car, and the driving male is hooking up with a girl, it is the responsibility of the other males to find other ways home. (The exception to this law is if the driver is hooking up with his own girlfriend, the law is then void and the driver still holds full responsibility of driving his friend’s home)

5. Short shorts have been banned… Unless in a participating in a sporting event that demands shorter shorts. Also no real man should be allowed to pop his collar.

6. Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals; law is void if there are dividers in between each urinal.

7. If a girl and a guy are not officially dating then it can't be considered cheating. However...if the guy cheats with a girl that is less attractive to the one he is originally interested in then he is either... A) Drunk or B) Dumbass. This then gives the original girl the right to either get mad or laugh at you.

8. No one should ever steal a man's alcohol from that man's cooler...this is the only law that suffers the penalty of death.

9. When bringing condoms to a party it is a man's responsibility to pack two in his pockets and one in his car as a spare in case a friend is in desperate need.

10. No heavy fornication in a friend's bed. Or just wash the sheets.

11. No man shall every use a rolling backpack. If you can't carry the bag then you’re not a man.

12. If another man's fly is down, you didn't see anything and may not make a comment about it.

13. When a man is borrowing a buddies tool or other equipment, if the borrower puts any scratches or brings it back with any noticeable wear, then he is required to do one of the following: If the item costs under 50 bucks, you are required to replace it. If the item costs over 50 bucks, you are required to give him a case of beer, because hey...who wants to spend more than 50 bucks on something that isn't yours.

14. When your friend picks up a hot girl...however the hot girl has an ugly friend...it is only right that you operate as a wing man doing whatever it is you got to do to help your buddy have some time alone with the hot girl. As men we are obligated to sacrifice and pay it forward for each other knowing that the favour will one day be replayed.

15. When calling shotgun, all riders of the car must be outside, and shotgun can only be called when the car is in view. Riders in the car are not allowed to run to shotgun and steal it before the person who called and deserves it arrives there. The driver of the car has no authority to decide on who gets shotgun. If a legitimate confrontation comes up where the rightful owner of the shotgun can not be determined then it will be decided by one round of paper rock scissors (with no shoot). If the two contenders tie 5 times in a row then the rightful owner of the shotgun is to be decided by a UFC cage match in which the first blood drawn decides the rightful owner of shotgun.

Addendum to Man Law No. 15:

If at any point during the process of determining the shotgun rider a hot girl hints that she would like to sit up front the driver has the sole right to declare her the shotgun rider and depending upon the situation may even deny rides to all other passengers. However, if said hot girl is an ex of any passenger they may overrule the driver's decision and make her ride in the back. Additionally, if all passengers happen to be female then revert back to original method of deciding shotgun rider substituting mud wrestling for UFC cage match. The winner then gets either a cold water hose down or shotgun the next ride unless the car is really shitty and the owner doesn’t care about muddy seats.

16. It is PAPER, ROCK, and SCISSORS with no shoot. If you must say shoot, it has to be agreed upon by both men and a witness has to be present and somewhat sober.

17. When toasting with beers you clank with the bottom.

18. You poke it you own it.

19. The head nod is an acceptable way to greet another guy when simply walking past. No words are needed to be said. An upward nod is for friends, a downward nod is for fellow men.

20. If a man is on vacation to a state that does not border his own, or any other country, it is not considered cheating if he so chooses to engage in sexual activity with a girl other than his girlfriend. Although he should be fully aware that his girlfriend may not see eye to eye if she was to ever find out.

21. A man should not masturbate more than 3 times in a day to insure being ready for any unknown or known late night action. Assisting Girls does not count… rule is in exception if male party is in a bet to set a record of number of times in a day.

22. A man shall never wear any article of women's clothing (I.E … Girls Jeans/Pants!) unless they are the loser of such a bet… or if a man is figuratively in a girls pants… (Or any other article of clothing).

23. No man in any circumstance, unless mocking a violator of this law, should pop his collar.

24. A man should never be denied the right to adjust himself or place his hands down his pants under any circumstances.

25. Being a Pirate should be considered a Manly job because pirates get two types of booty.

26. All men must eat meat. A shitload of meat; if not borderline carnivore. For no reason should a man ever be a vegetarian, or eat sick shit like tofu. Also no man should consume any food with the terms "diet", "fat free", or any other healthy suggesting terms for the sake of "watching his weight" or dieting.

27. Every man is required to learn some form of Poker before he dies.

28. If a man ever does something wrong a simple "OOPS", "My Bad", or any variations of cuss words that get the point across will suffice, no need to say "I'm Sorry"

29. No man should ever hook up with his best friend's girl, no matter how hot she is. This is in effect while they are dating or "together." If they are separated refer to Law 3 for the proper way to handle the situation. (Side Advice: Less guilt is involved if she comes on to you.

30. under no circumstance should any one man cockblock another man’s attempt at getting some tang. Let’s just leave that up to the tangs fat friend. Please note that cockblocking will result in a suspension of your Man status and its privileges, and will result in the title Manbitch.

31. Every man should watch sports center at least once a day, though multiple viewings are recommended so that one can hold his own in any debate on sports that may arise that day.

32. Under no circumstances shall any man lay a hand on a female or a child in violence. Spanking of a woman's ass or pulling of the hair is permitted if done on request. Corporal punishment is permitted excluding obvious extremes. Punishment for the attacking male is that if other men see the assault taking place they having the right to take him out back behind a building and show him how to fight with real men. In this situation more than one man may be used in the attacking of said woman beater because he clearly doesn’t mind an unfair fight seeing as he was hitting a lady or a child to begin with. A call to the police is a very last resort and should only be used is said male is over 6' 5" 250lb. or an ufc cage fighter. A kick to the crotch is only called for in cases of rape. If it is merely a guy beating a woman, defenseless child, or elderly people then a legitimate beating is called for, but no shots to the crotch. If it is a case of rape however, multiple shots to the crotch are called for. The punishment must fit the crime and since rape is using that area of the body, it is ok to inflict damage to it.

33. If a woman is present whether family or friend no man under any circumstances shall make their own food or pour their own drinks unless it is a special holiday such as, Mother's day, Birthday's, or St. Patrick's day or if the woman cannot keep up with the pace you want your drink poured. Law is void if significant grilling is involved.

34. No man shall ever watch a soap opera ever! Period! If this law is broken, it will result in the lowering of status from man to Manbitch and the questioning of the liking of opposite gendered relationships.

35. Women can't drive.

36. In the court of Man Law the statement "I was Drunk" will have the same effect as an insanity plea (reduced punishment) in standard court provided the defendant's blood alcohol level exceeds .10.

37. If any male is caught violating a Man Law in serious context, as a form of punishment he should be disowned of his manly name, only to receive the title of "Manbitch" from his peers and colleagues. Forgiveness is pending the severity of the broken law...or a case of beer to all his offended peers as a token of respect to what is manly...and what is not.

38. Any man that is old enough and is not in the army should at least support the troops, even if you don’t agree with the war they are your country men fighting to protect you and you should show them your support

39. No more crushing of empty beer cans or your forehead. Modern, thinner cans make the feat less impressive than with cans of years past.

40. If you take beer to a party the tuck rule is in play when leaving, you may take one beer max, but only if the beer will fit in your pocket.

41. Do not have a conversation at a urinal.

42. A man will not live in his parent’s house past the age of 27 unless they are ill or he is in the war.

43. All men have the right to remain silent when asked by a woman "do you like this". And the right to leave the room.

44. Sex is more important then talking

45. No man under any circumstance shall use lip balm.

46. Grilling, regardless of weather, is always the first choice for cooking.

47. No man shall ever own a dog smaller then a housecat

48. Men will invite other men to Man Law

49. No man shall ever turn down free beer because "it’s not their brand."

50. No man shall be shamed if they are passed out with their shoes off in your place. If the person passes out outside of the house, then they are fair game shoes or not.

51. It is acceptable for a man to publicly situate and/or scratch himself in the region of the gonads. If at a formal conference, then do so discretely. If at a football party, scratch away, just no handshakes.

52. The morning after, if a beer has been left on the table, no matter the temperature, it is acceptable to consume this item with food, such as its counterpart, cold pizza.

53. If you spill a man’s beer, you buy the next round/refill the cup.

54. Nursing a beer is unacceptable. The bottle/can/cup should never reach lukewarm temperature with beer still in it. If you can’t drink it in said time, don’t open it. If you can’t drink it in said time, your man status will be up for review.

55. Always accept beer from a stranger, but only if unopened/capped.

56. It is never a man’s responsibility to empty the trash while drinking. Beer cans may be staked or crushed while the bottles may be thrown into neighbour’s lawn.

57. A man does not have to like another man to drink his beer. Beer is beer.

58. It is acceptable for a man to break man laws, if no other option is humanly possible, in the pursuit of the opposite sex. His actions will be given leeway.

59. The bachelor’s party is exclusively male. (except the entertainment).

60. No man may ever sell a beer to a friend. It’s understood that said friend will repay beer with beer later. Under no circumstance may the replacement beer be of a lesser quality.

61. A man purse is still a purse.

62. No man shall dance for fun unless it’s to increase his chances with a member of the opposite sex.

63. Body paint is only acceptable on a man if it’s on game day and to support his team.

64. No man shall bring a woman to the guy’s night out. This is punishable by verbal abuse for life.

65. If you do not sweat, it’s not a sport. (People sweat during Beer Pong.)

66. If a large snake catches a man off guard and bites, said man is allowed to scream once.

67. No man shall wear a beret unless it’s for his military service.

68. When lifting weights, it is acceptable for a man to wear compression shorts under the regular shorts. No man shall ever wear compression shorts alone.

69. No man shall ever, under and circumstance, share an umbrella with another man.

70. No two men are allowed to enter a revolving door together. Unless it involves a race were the winner receives a combination of the following: beer, food, sex.

71. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want" gets an Xbox. End of story.

72. Keeping beer from other's by hiding it in the fridge is not permissible. Besides, sharing is caring.

73. Wives and girlfriends may not store items other than beer in the garage fridge. It is for beer only.

74. A man may publicly rebuke another man only if the first man has the man law and number memorized. Otherwise the rebuke must be in private. Furthermore, any man who has the man laws memorized will be deemed a "higher" man.

75. In no situation is it acceptable to sit cross-kneed. You either sit with feet-crossed, no cross, or stand.

76. Men are allowed to lick the plate when done but only when alone or with other men.

77. A man should be able to determine a diesel engine by sound alone.

78. While smiling, no man shall stick his tongue between his teeth.

79. It should be understood that while, yes, cheerleading is not a sport, and it is perfectly accepted to watch.

80. If a man is punched, and the hit is rubbed, he is punched again in the same area twice.

81. A man should be able to lucidly explain the rules of one or more of the following sports: Football (not the European kind), Baseball, Lacrosse, or Ice Hockey.

82. The dressing of any pet for any reason is not acceptable...any garment that is not a part of the animal shall not be allowed to be attached to that animal...exceptions are collars, leashes, etc. exception to this rule are monkeys.

83. Under no circumstances shall any man drink wine cooler...ever...unless beer or liquor is completely unattainable. This includes anything (non liquor) fruit flavoured that comes in a bottle.

84. Under no circumstances shall a man ever defer control of the television remote to a female.

85. There are three reasons for which a man is allowed to cry.

1. He is hit in the genitals with anything traveling over 10mph.

2. Your date is using her teeth.

3. Anna Kournikova gets married (female’s identity is subject to change depending on time period Man Law is read).

86. When watching a "catfight" it is perfectly acceptable to choose sides. It is also perfectly acceptable to pray for rippage of clothing.

87. When in a public shower, no man will look below the shoulders. Also, no eye-toeye contact for more than one second is allowed. If eye contact occurs, nod upwards, and look away.

88. No man under any circumstances should have to explain the use of a power tool to another man.

89. Never should man give a woman the credit card. No exceptions.

90. No man should talk on a telephone to a girl longer than he will have sex with her.

91. Every man should smoke at least one premium cigar in his life. Not any swisher sweet crap either. Cohiba, Monte Cristo, CAO.

92. No man shall ever read an instruction manual. If the man does not know how to use the item trial and error shall be used until the correct function is determined.

93. No man shall be held accountable for any promise he makes while drunk unless it was a bet.

94. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

95. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

96. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".

97. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullshit!" (Exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)

98. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

99. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.

100. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.

101. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.

102. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

103. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your best friend’s birthday is optional)

104. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

105. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose playing. You should know such things.

106. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

107. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favour of better athletes - as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.

108. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours... unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.

109. You cannot rat out a friend who shows up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way down so he thinks it’s broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.

110. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.

111. Everybody is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. And as such said people must consume alcohol on St. Patrick’s Day. Green and/or gold body paint may be worn, but no glitter.

112. When passing another man in a tight area where contact is possible, hole to hole or pole to pole is only acceptable. If it is pole to pole no eye contact should be made. If any detour from this is spotted by any onlooking men, possible labels such as "Fag" may be deemed necessary. Resulting immediate demotion in man status.

RULES
You must fill out EVERY question! No skipping!
Copy and paste this on your profile!

ARE YOU?

1. Perfect? I wish...
2. Tall? 5' 8", Not as tall as I'd like to be.
3. In your pajamas? Yes.
4. Left handed? I'm beyond right sided, so no.

LAST:

1. Friend you saw: Charles
3. Person to text you: Father
4. Was today better than yesterday? A little. Got more sleep than normal, which was nice.

FAVORITES:

1. Number: 42
2. Color(s): Electric Blue, Black, White
3. Fruit: Grapes, Apples, Oranges, Blueberries, Strawberries, Blackberries, Raspberries, etc. I hate bananas.
4. Place: Somewhere secluded and out of town.

EIGHT EMOTIONS:

1. Are you missing someone right now? I miss a lot of people. Certain people I'll never see again, and I'll always miss them.
2. Are you happy? It's up and down.
3. Are you sad? Not at this moment.
4. Are you bored? Something like that...
6. Are you nervous? I'm not nervous enough, actually.
8. Are you tired? I should thank the energy drink fairy later...

ABOUT YOU:

1.Real name? Not important.
2. Nick names? None that have stuck. Lithius has been popular lately.
3. Eye color? Green/Grey
4. Zodiac sign? Capricorn.
5. Male or female? Male.
6. Slut? Quite the opposite.
7. Smart? I Have a high I.Q. and common sense when I desire to use either.
8. Hair color? Dirty-Dishwater Blond
9. Long or short? Short. My hair is naturally frizzy and messy. So also include a hat in you mental picture
10. Sweats or Jeans? Jeans for the win.
11. Phone or Camera? Phone because I couldn't take a picture to save my life.
12. Drink or Smoke? I love vodka, rum, schnapps, and jaeger; I've also taken to whiskey tasting; I don't really like scotch; though I like a good drink, I've only been drunk once in my life. Once every blue moon I'll go to a hookah bar.
13. Righty or lefty? Uh, what do you mean by that?

FIRSTS:

1. First best friend? Zachary
2. First crush? Kiddie Crush? Can't remember. Bonafide? Lena
3. First pet? Can't remember. I've had too many. My favorite, however, is our bulldog Lulu.
4. First big vacation? Texas at several months old.

CURRENTLY:

1. Eating? Nothing, but a Hot Pocket sounds damn good right now...
2. Drinking? Sunny D
3. I'm about to: Head to bed here in a bit.
4. Listening to? My extensive music library.
5. Plans for today? Sleeping before work.

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?

1. Shorter or taller? Doesn't matter to me.
2. Romantic or spontaneous? Romantic. I love slow but deep relationships.
3. Sensitive or loud? I could date either. I'm a sweet and spicy kinda' guy.
4. Hook-up or relationship? Relationship. I don't have the heart for a hook-up.

HAVE YOU EVER:

1. Drank bubbles? No, thank God.
2. Lost glasses/contacts? I've lost four pairs of glasses. One in a lake, destroyed two, and lost the last set.
3. Ran away from home? No, I couldn't stay awake to do it when I was younger.
4. Broken someone's heart? Yeah... I'd prefer not to think about it.
5. Been arrested? No, but I've had close calls due to my obliviousness; I broke about thirteen to fifteen laws in a span of five minutes, but the cops let me go due to how pathetic I looked.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

1. Miracles? Yes, anything can work against the odds.
2. Yourself? Sometimes. It can be hard some days; others, I feel like I can do anything.
3. Heaven? Yes.
4. Santa Claus? He may've took the orders, but the parents did the shopping.
4. Love? Yes, it's a very misunderstood concept these days. My definition might be a little different than everyone else's.
5. Do you like someone? No, not at this moment. I've had too many broken hearts for my taste, so I'm cautious as hell right now about who I like.
6. Do you believe in God? Yes, simply because there are things science has yet to fully explain.
7. Answered the truth on all questions? To the best of my ability.

The Situation in Hell

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A."

And I beheld in her hand/A bloody, blue rose/beauty forever stained by scarlet/dreams never gained without blood/and love everlasting/tasted upon the thorns

Blue Rose by E. A. Nowland

A Little More About Myself: Alright, I absolutely love to daydream, often to the point that I lose awareness of the world around me. It's one of the few things that keeps me sane, and it's also what gives me the inspiration about my stories. Because of my imagination, I also love to read, because when I read my eyes look at the words but inside my head it's like watching a movie. Because of this I was reading collegelevel fiction in third grade. I also love to write. I hate grammar and sentence structure crap they teach in schools, but I love to write with a passion. Honestly, I don't watch a lot of T.V. Most I watch is about two hours a week, but this isn't including how much time I'm on any videogame consoles. I don't mind sports -as a matter fact I love to play football- but I'm not a very team oriented person, and I also have problems with coaches.

Writing Style: I rely heavily on my imagination and daydreaming for my inspiration, but while I'm writing I'll play some music that will go with what I'm writing and change what I'm listening to depending what part's in the works. If you haven't guessed, music is a heay inspiration as well. When I'm done with a new chapter, I'll reread it twice over (possible three, four, or more times) and try to find mistakes that I've missed or add plot material that makes the story better. After I post the chapter I'll reread my story over again and find what I need to add in the next chapter.

I also have a high standard for my writing and if I don't hit the bar like I'm suppose to, then I'll scrap the chapter and start over with it. Fans are everything to me when it comes to writing and I don't wish to disappoint them. I don't mind helpful hints and stuff, but people cross the line when they begin to tell me how to write my stories. I'm not a preschooler and I always plan out my stories extremely well before I even think of typing a word.

My favorite thing to do though when writing is to try different concepts that nobody uses, are used but are not well written, or the particular stories that involved are abandoned. I desire originality, to look at a story through a different lens and ask 'what if?' I won't dare to attempt any ideas that I've seen used or have been well-written already.

My speciallty in my writing would have to be my action scenes. I've been called the 'God of Action Scenes', but I'm someone that tries to be modest; I'm just fine with just saying that I got talent in making kick ass fight scenes that people actually like. I have absolutely no talent in fluff scenes; that's like going to another planet for me, but I'm decent when it comes to character development and inbetweens. Humor wise, I've got a witty sense of humor that I try to use as often as possible and I have no problems with saying that I can be really sarcastic, mainly thanks to growing up with a dad and a brother that are as sarcastic as hell.

If you didnt' know, I add a lot of humor to my stories. I'm partially an upbeat guy and hate the angst that's been invading our country and I've made it my mission to write stories that people enjoy, but have a good dosage of character development while still keeping the action scenes that I'm well known for. My stories still have plot twists and the makings of a great story, but they don't have the darkness that many have been seen with.

Favorite Types of Stories: I don't have a particular taste or notice a pattern with what I like, but I have noticed that most of my interests lean towards AUs. Pairings no longer bother me as much as I used to; as long as it's well written I really don't give a crap. Another type of fic that I like is the crossover, but like a good deal of the ideas seen on this web site, they're pretty badly written. I have read some good ones though that I can't wait to be updated.

I have nothing against Yaoi, but as a straight guy it's more annoying than anything. I mean if God wanted us that way, he would have made us that way. I'm also not a strong lemon person, but I'll stomach it if the story is well written; I'm not out to read erotic anything.

In real world books, I have my own library and I like a wide variety of stuff including mystery, fantasy, techno, thriller, sci fi, and a lot of other stuff.

Holding this amaranth/I contemplate/Thoughts of everlasting love/and memories of hopelessness

Amaranth by E.A. Nowland

Stories In the Works:

Like every other author that exists, I have failed story ideas. I keep information about them posted so that people can realize that I'm not perfect and that I have evolved as an author. Even now, even after several years, I have stories that just didn't succeed. Not only that, I have story ideas from these failed fics that I can utilize later.

Naruto: Nine Demon Songs: (N:NDS) Originally called The Jinchuuriki Nine, but I had to rewrite the story and get it up to par, fix grammar mistakes, patch up plot holes and make the storyline better, and a lot of other crap. Before I even began writing this, I constantly daydreamed about this one until I got it the way I wanted it to be. I have the big picture down, but the nuts and bolts are killing me, but most of the time, it comes naturally for me. This is only part one of the story as a whole and is more towards the group finding out about their powers and meeting each other, in other words, it's epic length. In the story, I've tried to make the action better than in the originall story because I'm sorely disappointed in the anime because it just doesn't seem as fast paced as I like. I already planned the finally battle of the story and it will involve a huge battle with all nine jinchuuriki and one Akatasuki member. If you all are fans of the basic pairings such as Naruto/Hinata, Sasuke/Sakura, Neji/Tenten, then this is the story for you. Fans of Jinchuuriki Nine, rejoice! The repost is up! The containers have changed as have the demons, but the story is still awesome.

Harry Potter and the Destiny of Time: (HP and TDOT) This second story will be a Harry Potter fic as the name suggests. Like my other story, this one will be an AU. Basically Harry gets some cool powers, but this story is going to be a challenge to write because, yes, Harry gets kick-ass powers, but I don't want him to be god like, so there will be limits to it. Me and my best friend BEST THING IN LIFE IS STORIES started out working togethor but decided to turn it into a competition. We are going to start with the same first chapter, but we'll turn the story into the way we want it and the person with the most reviews basically wins. If the story gets put into a C2, well, that's just extra kudos to us. So take a look at it and give it a chance. Unfortunately, I'm sad to say that I'm deleting this story permanently for a couple reasons. The main one is that it's highly taxing to write and the beginning is too unbelieveable for such a thing. Someday I might pick up the pen again for this concept, but for a while, I'm just going to leave it in the back of my mind.

Kingdom Hearts: Ebony Angel Feathers: (KH:EAF) I did this one mainly because there is a serious lack of good fics in this part of fan-fic(dot)net, mainly because of those crazy fan-girls that haunt the place. I'm also not expecting this to score as many reviews, mainly because it was like introducing a new concept to everyone, like full blown action scenes rather than just seeing someone clean out somebody else's tonsils. Like all my stories, it's AU, starting from the very beginning of the story of Kingdom Hearts. The bad guys are my own original creation with Ayden, Shiro, and Trinity being my absolute faves. Pairings are pretty basic, with the usual Sora/Kairi, Axel/Larxene, and Riku/OC. Until further notice, I have removed this story, mainly because it has one too many plotholes and the story line is very complicated. Top this off with me wanting to concentrate on my more popular stories, it only created a recipe for disaster. If you're a KH fan, please be assured that I will eventually post another story, but it will be much later.

Naruto: Quicksilver: (N:Q) Once, many moons ago, I thought, 'what would it be like if Kushina had been a kage of some kind.' Then I thought, 'what the hell? I haven't seen it done yet.' And thus Quicksilver was born. This fic is the winner of the first poll I posted, winning an overwhelming majority of votes. Story wise, Naruto's mother was the fomer Yondaime Mizukage and leader of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist, bringing about a strange change of events that includes him finding her mysterious sword, Suigin, which grows stronger and gains abilities as he develops throughout life. Haku is going to live in this fic, and not only that, he will be a girl. Pairings are still up in the air, but I'm pretty sure that I might lean away from the Hinata/Naruto pairing and go for something a bit more uncommon, simply because I could use a change of pace. I only ask that you keep an open mind when reading this one. (Sigh) It disturbs me knowing that I have added to my list of failed stories. Quicksilver introduced ideas I was fond of, like Naruto being the offspring of two Kage, having a connection to the Seven Swordsmen, introduction of my original character Edo Kunjou, etc. But the execution of these ideas wasn't done well. Alas I am human and have my errors. I'd continue it, but I feel it would be a waste of time; I don't even know where I was taking this story. Oh well. It did provide me with some tantalizing ideas that I'll have to utilize sometime in the future.

Bleach: Memories of the Nevermore: (B:MotN) Honestly, I didn't know if I was going to continue this after posting it, but now it has become one of my most popular fics, so now I don't want to disappoint anyone, meaning that this one is going to stay. I love Bleach; I consider it to be one of my top five favorite mangas in existance. It features Ichigo time traveling (something that isn't new), but the twist is that he has a second zanpakuto name Amemitsukai that was created from Orihime's power. With this second chance, he plans on correcting the past and then to stop Aizen before he can take away his precious people. It will feature Kenpachi (possibly), Minamori, and Karin getting bankai, Yuzu becoming a Quincy archer, a good guy Grimmjow, Ichigo with a second bankai, Orihime with new powers and Tatsuki with her own latent spiritual powers. Of course, it will feature Chado, Renji, Rukia, Nel Tu, and the others in major roles. I love Kubo Tite. His work Bleach is a masterpiece. However, the Quincy Arc as awesome as it is screwed me over. I've lost all energy for writing this story and have decided to discontinue it. I did decide to leave it up since readers have made requests to keep my stories posted. That and it has decent reviews for the run it was. From the bottom of my heart, I promise I'll do another Bleach fic.

Tenko no Renkinjutsushi: (TnR) My first crossover with high expectations. This story is a collaboration between me and my beta reader, 17th Immortal. For a while, we swapped ideas until we developed something. Although the Naruto/FMA crossover has been done hundreds of times, you won't see another like this. It's alchemy in the Narutoverse done in a way unseen, not to mention well written and planned. I'm not going to offer any spoilers, but I promise it's an enjoyable fic that'll keep you guessing and excited.

Claymore: Tainted Legacy: (C:TL) I've always wanted to do a story on Claymore. It's one of my top 5 favorite manga, alongside Bleach, Naruto, D. Gray-Man, and Gundam, and I've been wanting to write this ever since I read the manga. In this Clare is the actual daughter of Theresa, born out of chances that shouldn't exist. As a natural hybrid, things change drammatically from the story we know and love, everything from how certain events are approached and what abilities Clare manifests. Rubel will also carry an interesting role in this story, especially since he views Clare's abilities as a possible means to end the organization. I'm sure you'll enjoy this story as much as I do. Pairing wise, I'm not worried about it right now; that'll come in later in the story, but just enjoy the storyline and things should go over smoothly.

Seed a Barren Sky: (SaBS) Ah, Gundam SEED, oh how I love thee... This story has been in the works for little over a year, and yet it continues to evolve. I love SEED fiction, but there's so many copycats out there that the quality of stories lately has gone drastically down. Come on people! Do something creative! Anyways, I loved the concept of extra mobile suits, but the OCs... Way. Too. Many. So, I challenged myself to write under the premise 'Ten Gundams, No OCs'. And guess what, I accomplished it (with the help of secondary opinions from the likes of Akatsuki Leader 13 -I highly recommend his stories, by way). I already had several chapters at the ready, but I scrapped it for the sake of cohesion. What came out is the current story you all are enjoying. Gundams with proper names, proper model numbers, and proper believable mechanics... I almost wanted to cry in joy when I posted it.

Jinchuriki Nine [Repost: (JN) This is actually a repost of the original. I've been trying to hammer out a storyline for this one since God-knows-when, and I nearly joy puked when I finally got it up. This story is a little closer to the heart than others, but that's because this was the first story I posted, only better and improved. It's amazing to the read the old chapters I have saved and see just how far I've come as a writer. Like the original, the concept is having a multiple number of Jinchuriki in Konoha. However, this version is based upon the current information of the Manga. There are a number of changes, including who the containers are; some are the same, and some haven't changed.

Naruto: Shattered Eyes: (N:SE) My most popular and highly anticipated story as hinted by the number of reviews and people that have saved it under favorites. I had never expected this story to take off like it did, but I guess people just liked it. I always loved the idea of giving Naruto a kekkei genkai where he copies other kekkei genkai, but too often do authors screw everything up by either having the worse grammar on the planet, making Naruto overly god-like, or (if the author is competent) never update whatsoever. My plan was, and still is, to remedy this issue. Hopefully, I will continue to do my best on this story and make something that people are actually happy to read, but preventing Naruto from going god on us all. I have decided that there will be no major pairings until the second half of the story, after the time skip. This is mainly because it's just a little early, and I mean for crying out loud, they're only twelve; they are not ready for a relationship. This story will also be epic length since it has become so popular.

"Water is my eye, most faithful mirror/Fearless... on my breath/Teardrop on the fire of a confession/ Fearless on my... breath/ Most faithful mirror/ Fearless on my... breath/ Teardrop on fire, fearless on my... breath..."- Teardrop as made famous by Massive Attack

Fan Art: To people who chose to do anything like this, all I can is thank you and that I am appreciative beyond worrds. So let's take a look at what people have done.

http:///art/Kyoukagan-87537720- Absolutely well done. This is artwork on the Kyoukagan and what it looks like in it's different forms. Thanks Moon's-Blood for this.

http:///art/Naruto-STFU-106014104- A sketch inspired by Naruto: Shattered Eyes: Naruto himself. Though it's not one hundred percent accurate, I liked it so much that I had to post it on my profile.

http:///art/Kyoukagan-100173160- No word can come to mind just how awesome this picture is. silv3r0n did an excellent job.

http:///art/Naruto-Shattered-Eyes-129243651- A very accurate rendition of the Kyoukagan, along with Haku being reflected in the eye. This is some serious skill. GREAT JOB!

http:///#/d2qnd4c- A very enjoyable picture to look at. It doesn't exactly look Naruto from Shattered Eyes, but it is impressive nonetheless. Thank you very much SadisticL.

http:///art/Kyoukagan-200564088?q=boost&qo=5 -An absolutely beautiful rendition of the Kyoukagan. Not the most accurate, but definitely a nice take. I wish I could express my gratitude in a better way to Mitza200.

http:///art/Kyoukagan-Hyoton-Bloodline-201551761?q=boost&qo=3- Another rendition of the Kyoukagan, once again by the ever-talented Mitza200. This one displays the silver pupil, and what the Kyoukagan looks like after the shards fall out. Not fully accurate, but awesome to look at nonetheless.

If anybody else has any artwork they would love to send me, that would be awesome. I love it, and I would love it if people would draw me more pictures. I may be gifted in art, but no matter how much I try, I suck at manga drawing.

Special Thanks: Okay, I have to say thanks to The 17th Immortal for being a loyal reviewer and my beta reader. I value his and everyone else's opinions of my stories. I would also like to thank the senior writers who took time to give some much needed advice, if they didn't, I would probably still be writing like a newb. I would also like to thank A Common Hero, Warper, Akatsuki Leader 13 and others for reviewing my stories and asking the right questions, as only they have been able to provide the fuel for my ideas. I'd also like to thank Tellemicus for volunteering his assistance as Barren Sky's beta reader.

And of course, I would like to thank all of you, my fans and anyone who has read my stories, for your reviews and for helping my writing. You guys are my inspiration, without your thoughts and love for my stories, I wouldn't be writing.

Naruto: Shattered Eyes: Chapter 2 rewrite complete. Chapter 3 rewrite complete; Chapter 4 rewrite 15% complete; Chapter 5 rewrite 60% complete. Chapter 20 is 10% completed.

Seed a Barren Earth: Chapter 13 is 40% completed.

Tenko no Renkinjutsushi: Indefinite Hiatus

Claymore: Tainted Legacy: Indefinite Hiatus

Jinchuriki Nine: Chapter 3 is 5% complete.

Until further notice I am on hiatus until I can finish my original work. I'm trying to put all my energy into my book before put everything back into fan-fiction.

Coming Soon:

Bleached Crown: Ulquiorra Cifer had been something more than an Arrancar. By defeating him, Ichigo breaks the shackles of Destiny and becomes something else entirely. Campione!/Bleach crossover.

Writing is art. Art is the expression and reflection of the soul. In its purest form, it reflects your inner world, how your eyes and heart view the outside world. It is expressions, emotions, feelings, mysteries that we cannot express verbally.

What does your art say about you?