As I’ve looked around different sites looking for stories, I’ve come across some quotes on profile pages that I thought were absolutely genius. If you recognize one marked unknown from somewhere, let me know so that I can give credit where it is due.

Sephiroth’s Sword

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
Never argue with an idiot, they'll bring you to their level then beat you with experience.

NamelessHeretic

"It takes real guts to admit you're a coward."

NarutosBrat

Shit happens, find a toilet

Who says beggars can’t be choosers, I could have just robbed you

When life throws you lemons, cut’em open and squirt the juice in its eye.

When life throws you lemons, throw a brick back.

When life throws you lemons, throw them at someone else.

If at first you don't succeed, blame it on bad parenting.

Whoever came up with ‘Sticks and stones...’ obviously didn’t take into account the viciousness of today’s youth.

Unknown

When life throws you lemons, throw them back twice as hard.

How many Dragonball Z characters does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: ‘One. But it takes ten episodes, two level ups, Piccolo and all the human fighters dying and getting revived, and someone getting pecks the size of tires to do it.’ –Uzumaki Harry by: (fanfiction.net)

Some things to remember if your an Anime fan

If you ever find yourself alone with a girl and she says she wants to ask you something, RUN! Shes probably a Fallen Angel out to kill you

Being dense is an excellent way to pick up chicks.

If you think stories with a MA rating should be allowed on FanFiction.Net, paste this into your profile!

In Honour of Stupid People In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hair-dryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (What, when else are you supposed to use it)

On a bag of Frito's -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (Free stuff, just look inside to know how to win)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap," (This isn't regular soap?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (Nah, really).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (what a helpful warning)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (Really, will it)

On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (But I want the clothes to have the right shape)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (This is important, Children regularly crash the cars they drive)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (I can't take this then)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (But I was hoping to put it ... huh)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (Well then, really Japan)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (helpful warning if you're allergic)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: make profit)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (You mean I don't become what I dress up as, Buffy lied to me)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (Oh, really helpful, trying to keep your customer base up)

On a Korean kitchen knife -- "Warning: keep out of children." (good thing I'm not a bad guy, after all, the hero will win now)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity.

The girl you just called fat? She is overdosing on diet pills. The girl you just called ugly? She spends hours putting makeup on hoping people will like her. The boy you just tripped? He is abused enough at home. See that man with the ugly scars? He fought for his country. That guy you just made fun of for crying? His mother is dying. Put this as you're profile if you're against bullying. I bet 95% of you wont put this on your profile, but I'm sure the people with a heart and backbone will.

This is weird, but interesting! If you can raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! Paste this to your profile if you can read this!

you know you live in 2009 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password into the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have AIM/LiveJournal/MySpace.

4. You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the TV.

6. Your evening activity is sitting at the computer.

7. You read this list, and keep nodding and smiling.

8. You think about how stupid you are for reading this.

9. You were too busy to notice number five.

10. You actually look to check if there was a number five.

11. And now you're laughing at your stupidity.

12. Repost if you fell for it. You know you did

98 percent of teenagers do or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy & paste this in your profile.

Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent that aren't, copy this, put it in you profile, and add your name to the list. AnimeKittyCafe, Hyperactivley Bored, Gem W, Bara-Minamino, Tsuyu Mikazuki, Weasel Chick, Revenant666, dragonsroar, foxdude33, FallenLex, Soelle, Miss Whiskers, jully123, Dis Lexic, conwear267

Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually
taking place.
_

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_ _

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
_

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
_

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Hahahaha

FANFICTION- USA! Has anyone else noticed how a lot of us get along and make friends on here and we can be from completely different countries? We're here making world peace on the INTERNET and we have all those ambassadors and senators and whatever struggling with it! If you realize this (or read this and agreed) copy and paste this and add your name and country (country is optional) to the list. SPREAD THE PEACE!: Naruto-fan-Okami-chan (USA), DGMSilverAirHead03(USA), Crystal Amethyst (Armenia), InoueR0xO (Pakistan), poohxebony (USA), DreamingInThePast (Spain), loves2readandwrite (USA), SeaDevil (Sweden), Vampgal212 (U.K.), Verdigurl ( New Zealand), Animerockchic (Republic of Ireland), Momoka64 (USA), Ve Kuraresa Bleach (USA), AFleetingPhantom (U.K.), EpicHeroLaugh (USA), Iiz42awesome (U.K), MadMentalPersonInTheEmoCorner (Scotland), Black Dragon Valkyrie (U.S.A.), Dis Lexic (UK), conwear267 (USA)

Reposted from I like fear 1-2

About six years ago in Indiana, Carmen Winstead was pushed down a sewer opening by five girls in her school, trying to embarrass her in front of her school during a fire drill. When she didn't submerge, the police were called. They went down and brought up 17-year-old Carmen Winstead's body, with her neck broken from hitting the ladder, then the concrete at the bottom. The girls told everyone that she fell...and they believed them.

THEY HURT HER

FACT: About two months later, 16-year-old David Gregory read this post but didn't repost it. When he went to take a shower, he heard laughter, started freaking out, and ran to his computer to repost it. He said goodnight to his mom and went to sleep, but five hours later, his mom woke up in the middle of the night from a loud noise and David was gone. A few hours later, the police found him in the sewer, with a broken neck and the skin on his face peeled off.

Even Google her name - you'll find this to be true.

If you don't repost saying "They hurt her," then Carmen will get you, either from a sewer, the toilet, the shower, or when you go to sleep, you'll wake up in the sewer, in the dark, then Carmen will come and kill you.

On December 24th, 2006 at 8:00 in the morning, a 14-year-old boy by the name of Scott Jackson was found dead. Doctors couldn't come up with the cause of his death. His mother checked his e-mails to see if she could figure out what happened. Turns out he was still signed into his Yahoo e-mail account. She found he had gone to sleep after he read and didn't send a chain letter about a little girl who kills you in your sleep with no natural cause of death. This is the e-mail she read: My name is Ofelia Heras. I'm 16 years old. I'm a murderer. I have no face. When you look at me you'll die immediately. You have 900 seconds to repost this onto your profile or I will visit you tonight.

AGAINST SCHOOL VIOLENCE

A girl died in 1933. A man buried her while she was still alive. The murder chanted, "Toma Sota Balcu," as he buried her. Now that you have read this chant, you will meet this little girl. In the middle of the night she will be on your ceiling. She will suffocate you like she was suffocated. If you post this on your profile, she will not bother you. Your kindness will be rewarded.

The girl you just called fat? She's overdosing on diet pills.
The girl you just called ugly? She's spends hours putting makeup on hoping people will like her.
The boy you just tripped ? He gets enough abuse at home.
See the man with the ugly scars? He fought for his country.
That guy you made fun of for crying? His mother is dying.
Put this as your status if your against bullying. I bet 95% of you won't re-post this.
But I'm sure the people with a heart and a backbone will.