Schmerg The Impaler
hide bio
PM . Follow . Favorite
Joined 01-05-07, id: 1189165, Profile Updated: 07-21-08
Author has written 4 stories for Bartimaeus Trilogy, Harry Potter, and Les Miserables.

Well, hello! Welcome to my world! I'm Schmerg_The_Impaler, better known as Schmergo, and I am the author of many crazy pieces of writing, most notably "The Dark Lord's Blog." I'm also sixteen years old and a total loony.

Say, while you're at it, why don't you pop over and read a story by AKUKAMA, a really smashing author and my best chum. No, I'm not a Englishman; I just play one on T.V. (This, my friends, is called a joke.)

Well, here's a little bit more about everyone's favourite subject, me. (This is also a joke.)

I'm of the female persuasion (that means I'm a girl, people), and I think Monty Python is quite possibly the best thing ever. I love to act, sing, and dance, and have been in twenty-three plays thus far. I'm usually villains, though I did play Lydia Bennet in "Pride and Prejudice" at my school! I speak German fluently and I have a Harry Potter obsession that involves a lot of Ron Weasley fangirling. I like to wear... unuuuusual clothing, and I'm most likely wearing a hat at the moment.

Favourite books: The Harry Potter series, The Artemis Fowl books, all things Discworld Bartimaeus Trilogy, Midnighters trilogy, "Sleeping Freshmen Never Lie" (read it now if you want to laugh!), "Hitchhikers' Guide To The Galaxy," "Pride and Prejudice," "Sense and Sensibility," "The Hunchback of Notre Dame," "The Scarlet Pimpernel," "Les Miserables," the Pure Dead Magic series, Shakespeare's "Hamlet" and "Macbeth" (I'm working on a musical of it!) and many, many more.

Favourite Harry Potter Character: Ron Weasley. I'm also quite the Voldemort fan.

Favourite Harry Potter Characters in the Films: Neville-- come on, he's amazing AND he wears sweater-vests-- and Lucius Malfoy. The man is brilliant, and he has the best fashion sense ever!

Favourite films: "Monty Python and the Holy Grail," "Pirates of the Caribbean," "A Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy," "The Phantom of the Opera," "Hoodwinked," "The Princess Bride," "The Hunchback of Notre Dame," "The Lion King," and most other Disney stuff.

Favourite music: Film and musical soundtracks, The Beatles, Lemon Demon, Keane, Weird Al Yankovic, American Idol. I also know all of the Silly Songs With Larry from Veggie Tales!

Favourite fictional characters: Ron Weasley, Moist von Lipwig, Lord Vetinari, Sir Percy Blakeney, Commodore Norrington, Henry Tilney from "Northanger Abbey," Artemis Fowl, and Rex Greene!

Favourite fictional villain: Scar, from "The Lion King." But don't tell Voldemort I said that! (I mean, Scar's based on Claudius from Hamlet. Voldemort is just... bald and likes to explode toasters.) And Frollo from "Hunchback of Notre Dame" is pretty amazing... in both the book and the animated film that's nothing like it!

Favourite musicals: Spamalot, Les Miserables, The Scarlet Pimpernel, Beauty and the Beast, Cats (notice a common thread between the last four? Yep. Terrence Mann.), Phantom of the Opera, Lion King, Little Mermaid, Woman In White (but only because of Count Fosco, and only when he's Michael Ball!), and Dr. Horrible's Singalong Blog! I actually do like High School Musical, much to my own consternation, and played Mrs. Darbus in a recent production of it. I have to say, it's one of the most fun shows I've ever been in, cheesy and poorly written though it is.

Ten most-played songs on my iTunes right now: "Sirens" from Jane Eyre the musical, "The Gun Song/Ballad of Czolgosz" from Assassins, "Into the Fire" and "Falcon In The Dive" from The Scarlet Pimpernel, "If I Can't Love Her" from Beauty and the Beast, "Where's The Girl" from The Scarlet Pimpernel, "One Day More" from the Original Broadway cast of Les Miserables, "Shadowland" and "He Lives In You Reprise" from The Lion King, and "We Like Tha Moon" by's Spongemonkeys. Yes, I'm aware that five of those ten songs include Terrence Mann. You shut up.

Favourite performers: In terms of musical theatre, Terrence Mann and Michael Ball! I also like Douglas Sills a whole lot, I have an inexplicable crush on the adorkable Christian Borle, and I'd stalk Norm Lewis anyday! In terms of film... ehhh, don't really care, though I have a bit of a thing for Commodore Norrington (James Davenport) from Pirates of the Carribean. In terms of the internet, Neil Cicierega and Ryan Murphy!

Favourite weapon: Platypus... what?

Favourite food: Caesar salad, or a mango smoothie. Or GYYYYYROS!

Favourite hat: The one I'm wearing right now.

Favourite person to bother: Snape. If he's unavailable, I'll settle for my brother.

Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Idyll in the Parking Lot & Epic in the Food Court by wertherfieber reviews
A modern day story. Faced with rigid mall police, embittered eyeliner wearing rivals, a slew of disgruntled food court employees and her own beloved father, will poor Cosette ever be united with the love of her life?
Les Miserables - Rated: T - English - Parody/Drama - Chapters: 4 - Words: 3,468 - Reviews: 31 - Favs: 11 - Follows: 11 - Updated: 12/5/2008 - Published: 9/3/2007 - Cosette, Marius
Che cosa è amor by AMarguerite reviews
While on his Grand Tour, Sir Percy stumbles across an enchanted castle. He makes friends, gets terribly confused about love, irritates his valet, and gives into the fairy tale. Crossover with 'Beauty and the Beast' becase I'm insane like that
Crossover - Beauty and the Beast & Scarlet Pimpernel - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 2 - Words: 14,900 - Reviews: 16 - Favs: 13 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 11/5/2008 - Published: 4/7/2008 - Complete
The Scarlet Pimpernel For Dummies by The Lark reviews
Well, what more can I say? It's the Scarlet Pimpernel for dummies. Hopefully good for a laugh or two.
Scarlet Pimpernel - Rated: K+ - English - Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,319 - Reviews: 23 - Favs: 18 - Published: 3/28/2008 - Complete
Hexagon by Akukama reviews
Six friends are just finishing up watching the movie, when... the last scene goes terribly wrong, and they are flung into the film. Mayhem ensues. Did I mention that one of them is a werewolf? My first fanfiction. I can't write summaries.
Pirates of the Caribbean - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 10 - Words: 17,513 - Reviews: 38 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 8 - Updated: 4/16/2007 - Published: 12/26/2006
Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Les Miserables 2: Back To The Barricade reviews
Probably the worst musical farce of all time! Twenty-five years after Les Miserables, the thoroughly direspected Marius travels back in time to the barricade to prove his worth. INSANITY ENSUES. And many, many songs.
Les Miserables - Rated: K+ - English - Parody/Adventure - Chapters: 8 - Words: 12,209 - Reviews: 43 - Favs: 24 - Follows: 7 - Updated: 3/29/2010 - Published: 12/23/2008 - Marius, Cosette
Les Miserable Actors: A Spoof reviews
Ever wonder what the actors are thinking when they're performing Les Miserables? A rather different set of lyrics for the show. It's better if you've read the book and know some famous actors. Very silly!
Les Miserables - Rated: K+ - English - Parody/Poetry - Chapters: 3 - Words: 3,517 - Reviews: 41 - Favs: 23 - Follows: 17 - Updated: 7/23/2008 - Published: 7/17/2008
The Dark Lord's Blog reviews
It's Lord Voldemort's blog, complete with comments from his most loyal Death Eaters. Voldy dispenses advice on everything from germ prevention to murder methods to shoes to Power Rangers... but is he posting too much personal info online?
Harry Potter - Rated: K - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 4 - Words: 11,317 - Reviews: 101 - Favs: 112 - Follows: 56 - Updated: 7/18/2008 - Published: 4/23/2007 - Voldemort
The Strange Affair of the Anarchist and the Oyster reviews
Bartimaeus is ordered to find a possible anarchist, one who is supposedly going to wreak havoc at a government dinner. But who is this anarchist, and what sort of plan is being organized? A bit silly. Takes place a few months prior to Ptolemy's Gate
Bartimaeus Trilogy - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Mystery - Chapters: 1 - Words: 886 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 2 - Published: 1/8/2007