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Author has written 9 stories for Harry Potter, Doctor Who, Good Omens, and Saiyuki. I am a female from England. That is all you need to know. List of Amusing Quotes “This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence” Law of Juvenile Omnipotence Law of Juvenile Intellectuality “Are you sure that was smart? I thought you had to go back to your house, sacrifice a lamb, then kill the cat, bury it in the exact place it crossed you, THEN take the long way”—Roku Naruto “Engage operation WTF!’—Roku Naruto "Oh, don't worry in the slightest; it's her fault for blending in with the carpet." --The Queen of England (is cooler than you) “This is the crack team that foils my every plot! I am deeply shamed.”--Spike “I have no preference. I hate everyone equally.”—Avatar "If you can’t beat them, join them. If you can’t join them, bribe them. If you can’t bribe them, blackmail them." What?! Oh, do I have something in my teeth? Is my underskirt showing? Alright, let's get this over with. No, I'm not seasick, yes, I've always been green, no I didn't chew grass as a child... --Elphaba from Wicked “Whatever my grievances, Headmaster,” She said in a dead-on impression of Dumbledore. “I am sure I can address them best by pinning you to the outer wall of your castle and skinning you alive. Knife?” She asked in the exact same tone Dumbledore had used and opened her cloak to reveal lines and lines of glittering weapons. --Had I Known by kalyl silverstorm "We found a witch! May we burn her?" peasent-Warcraft III “If explosive notes can’t solve all your problems, you aren’t using enough.” 'Puppy's a pyromaniac.' Curse of Fate by Mistress Nika “Death Eaters," Lucius said with a hint of amusement. "We're here to kill you." The voice thanked them, wished them a good day and a silver badge dropped down. Dolohov picked it up in wonder and read it aloud. "Death Eaters. Reason for visit: Homicide." -Curse of Fate, Mistress Nika Save it,” Sasuke hissed, “You may be the devil, but you are nothing without your minions and one of us is missing. So stop the big brother shit, put on your evil, lord of the darkness panties and find out who took my goddamn dobe!” -The Demilitarized Zone by michelerene The scarred man smirked before looking at the occupants in the bed, “Hello, law abiding citizens,” his gaze shifted to the three Uchihas, “Marginally law abiding citizens,” and then his eyes fell on Kisame, “… citizen.” -The Demilitarized Zone by michelerene Even Light’s plans don’t take spontaneously changing gender into account. Fortunately, he can adapt.”- from Adaption by Silver Pard I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it. "An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but only if your aim is good." "Women and cats will do as they please, men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." "Silence is Golden but Duct Tape is Silver" "Homophobia is sooooo GAY!"-A random badge “Outnumber this, you odd manifestation of post-human consciousness!”-- Phantom of a Doubt, by PotterPhan21 "Hermione, don't poke logic-shaped holes in my reasoning."-- Dear Order, by SilverWolf7007. “With this rock I will RULE THE WORLD.” –someone’s avatar This is not something to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force! When life gives you lemons, give them back and DEMAND CHOCOLATE. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup. Its tourist season, so why can't I shoot them? We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. "Human's are like slinkys. Though they are not useful, it will always make you smile when one tumbles down the stars." –unknown Everyone in the Great Hall stayed motionless as the doors crashed shut behind the Death Eaters. Since they were so quiet, they could faintly hear Voldemort scolding the one Death Eater for slamming the door. The people in the Great Hall were still trying to figure out what had happened. One minute, Voldemort was about to kill them one by one until he had Harry, the next, Harry had convinced Voldemort that he had come back to life a second time. It was very confusing. -- Compulsive Liar, by Tantra Megami “The ceiling has noses,” Luna agreed.- Rebellion, by Tantra Megami ”You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you”- Unknown It's the quiet ones you have to watch; they're the ones that grow up and become assassins... and then hunt you down. – profile of, Disgruntled Minion 'If you can't convince them, confuse them.'- Harry S. Truman Facts are stubborn things-Douglas Adams "The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary." - It's just so true! "Fuji-senpai, even robbers have something called survival instincts. You could walk covered in money through the park at midnight and still be safer than a babe in its crib." the younger boy scoffed. "That's not very nice, kitten." "But very true, good night, senpai." - Enigmatic Prey "Disturbing? Who am I disturbing? This is a coma ward! Don't you WANT them to wake up?" "I hate being called a skank. But I can be a first class bitch." –Reload by Case 13 Weather ain't neutral. - War Laws Men: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing. Mines are an equal opportunity weapon. - War Laws The voodoo priest and all his powders were as nothing compared to espresso, cappuccino and mocha, which are stronger than all the religions of the world combined, and perhaps stronger than the human soul itself. --Mark Helprin No I WONT go to hell! They have a restraining order against me. – From profile of Death’s Favourite Child In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. --Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy “Indeed, Harry. Time to seize the Wizarding World by the jugular. The sweet, life giving jugular.” –From Harry Potter and the Boy Who Lived by Seel’vor "The dangerous predator, the most dangerous of beasts is about to utter its terrifying cry before it attacks." The blond intoned solemnly. "This terrifying, merciless beast’s name is...the fangirl." – Reload by Case13 "Luke... I am your second uncle, twice removed," from- Whos Line Is It Anyway? "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." --Sign shown in a non-smoking zone Spock leveled him with a stare that would’ve intimidated a Klingon. “I found you because, on an entirely subconscious and unintentional level, bonded the emotional sections of out thought processes. Now will you tell me why you were being bullied?” –The Vulcan Ruse by Heart in a Headlock "Having never been eaten, I wouldn't know."-Sanzo from Saiyuki “Oh my god, I'm imagining these little fairies that live on the other side of the tracks from Tinker Bell. They smoke cigars and wear bowler hats and pin striped leaves and have five o'clock shadows.” - My Own Iowa by T’Pinto Cain blinked. “Riff is Riff. I am me. You are you. Cassian is Cassian and Jaime is Jaime. Well, Jaime is a very repressed Jaime, but he’s still a Jaime.”- Another Day, Another Life by YaoiKitten Spock isn't going to do anything awesome and then think to himself how kick-ass he is. He's Vulcan, after all. If he found the cure for all diseases, he'd just be kind of like, "It was a logical conclusion based on the information at hand" and the "eat it, bitches" would be communicated through eyebrows alone. – Atlas, authors note "Everybody's sue-happy nowadays." - Another Day, Another Life by YaoiKitten "There are a few ways to silence the screams. Bullets happen to be one of the more efficient methods."- unknown, but sounds like something Sanzo would say "Actually, Merry is cute in the she-looks-like-a-kitten,-let's-pet-her-'OW-SHE-BIT-ME' kind of way." - Another Day, Another Life by YaoiKitten "I never argue with an idiot. They drag me down to their level, and then beat me with experience."-- from Pure Blood, Half Blood, by Kurosaisei. Just because your paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. - Winston Churchill. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. - Douglas Adams "In ancient times, cats were worshiped as gods. They have not forgotten this." “I am currently being plagued by the mental image of Batman, naked except for his mask, standing in the E.R., with an enormous bat sticking out of his ass flapping its wings, saying 'I tripped'. I find it very distracting.” -My Own Iowa by T’Pinto “Wake up and smell the roses that Creed-sama has grown his entire life just for Train.” –The Best Plans Are Improved by xXduchessXx Another early-rising guest saw his smirk, and dove down the stairs to get away. –Entanglements by Vathara Anything that cut down on what little privacy they did get deserved to be terminated with extreme prejudice. And then set on fire. -- Entanglements by Vathara “…Severus, last year’s graduating class of Slytherins wore badges saying, if I recall correctly, ‘All your dark corners are belong to us.’” -- A Mistaken Sorting by Silver Pard "Yes, I'm anti-unicorn and proud of it. Suck on that, girlie-girl." –Discordant Harmony by Hari-Aisu "RAITO! OPEN THE DAMN DOOR! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE, YOU MULTI-FLAVORED SKITTLE! NOW OPEN UP BEFORE I MAKE YOU TASTE THE RAINBOW, YOU MAN-BITCH!" --Discordant Harmony by Hari-Aisu "I know! One Starbucks down, who knows how many to go! So, which is the next place to be terrorized on our 'Starbucks Wicked List of Ultimate Evil!' Rai-chan?" -- Discordant Harmony by Hari-Aisu I'm the only Time Lord at Hogwarts. People laugh at my Sonic Wand. “Quite. Then I shall change my detective name from ‘L’ to ‘Physics’ and shall start wearing black spandex, only to proclaim myself the science superhero of the next century.” Infection by DXM Junkie Curiosity killed the cat, and staring will kill you. My dads gone gallivanting across town on a sugar high so until he crashes and comes moaning home so I’m pretty much bored out of my skull.—Bleach with a dash of magic by Zerri As the urban (and rural) myth declared, if you want to locate a Sanzo, conduct a little casual espionage and find the most attractive young teen in the area. The high-ranking monk is bound to be around.—Through the Stained Glass by Keiran "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off." If at first you don't succeed - cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie! Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed. "I can clearly see that and I'll get there when I stop sliding down this god forsaken hall!"- The Special Assignment by Creed’s Rose Ooh... Matsuda knew a big word! Raito almost felt like patting him on the head and giving him a cookie. - Discordant Harmony by Hari-Aisu “Our friendship has seen us through many an emo mood swing,” –It’s For a Good Cause, I Swear! By Sarah1281 "Cry me a river, build me a bridge, get over it, and I'll set fire to it when you are halfway across," “I have far too much blood in my caffeine stream.”-- Harry Potter and the Boy Who Lived by Seel’vor Go get 'em, gorgeous, Gojyo wants to say, but he doesn't. 'Cos, well, you just don't. -- Regalia by Mariphasa Hecatene “Your cat hates you. I’m not allowed to unleash farm animals in my place of employment but don’t worry you’ll soon understand why! I want a Pizza tree! When I say I’m the human embodiment of death I’m not kidding. I like pancakes. MELON. I don’t like you. Voldemort wears panties. Your ANBU is about to die. You fail at life. Drugs do not affect me in the least,” he added smirking darkly as the ANBU beside Danzou abruptly started to scream, hands going over his eyes, trying to claw through the porcelain before he tore it off and began to gouge at his eyes.—Lightning on the Wave by Araceil They left a great many bewildered townspeople behind them, wondering how a group that seemed to possess such acrimony and disregard for each other could also resembled a well-oiled machine when (and only when) they felt like it. – Ikkou sentences by Blossomwitch "Did you get a look at the trophy wife Janeway brought back form the Delta Quadrant? I'd say it was worth getting lost for seven years for that." You are not the dandy highwaymen, and under no circumstances are you to demand that the Daimyo 'Stand and delivah!'--Things Team Nineteen Are No Longer Allowed To Do by H.E.Gray THERE IS NO LOVECHILD. CEASE. -- Things Team Nineteen Are No Longer Allowed To Do by H.E.Gray Enemy ninjas are not required to fill out any bureaucratic forms before they kill you. We are admittedly quite impressed that you managed to convince them of this, though.-- Things Team Nineteen Are No Longer Allowed To Do by H.E.Gray "Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking." - Henry Louis Mencken Groaning, Goku banged his head on the table. Gojyo just sighed. "Okay. Where do we hide the bodies?" –Entanglements by Vathara "Badgers are awesome," Harry said, finally sitting in his seat, "all hail the badgers."—Rebellion by Tatra Megami "Oh you know, sealed off my vaults from Dumbles and his lackeys, I need to get me some of those by the way- lackeys not Dumbledore's…" The time-lord gave an exaggerated shudder, but continued once Hermione shot him 'the look'. "Obtained various 'dark' books and artifacts, picked a fight with an inbred blood-purist whose name rhymes with Ralf-oy, pissed of the weasel bees, and snubbed Snivellus when the Order came to escort me to the station- driving him insane as he tried to figure out what I was planning. And ate all the red jelly babies. All in all a very productive period."—Riding the Storm by Snow white Kitsune He looked up to see three identical looks of confusion, "Should Dumbledore wish to host some sort of ball we're not to take anything with extra limbs, any flesh-eating creature, or something that is larger than the Great Hall."--Repercussions of an Unwilling Vanguard by Alziper “Zombies have rights too.” "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice. — Curse of Fate: Outtakes by Mistress Nika Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other Klingon house, is forbidden.—Curse of Fate: Outtakes by Mistress Nika "Look, there were two truths that remained true throughout time and space is that no matter where or when you go, one everything dies, though your Captain had to go and jack that up, pun intended. And two librarians are always terrifying."-- Don't you want to be on the good side for once? By You’re out of your Vulcan mind "Save our Earth! It's the only planet that has Chocolate!!" - Facebook Flare "Go, join the cult of thoughtless automatons. Leave me here…alone…unloved… Plotting world domination."-- Riding the Storm by Snow white Kitsune "I didn't, not at first, but when you look past the homicidal tendencies and the slight predisposition to insanity, he's not so bad."--Memorials are for Dead People by xtiansugar "I'm thinking we need something more positive, something that makes people want to join up. Not something that makes people think they have to join up, or be eaten by us as they sleep. Well, to be honest, I am guilty of that quite a few times over, but I didn't eat their flesh. And my servants don't eat people. Well, most of them don't. —Curse of Fate by Mistress Nika Snape scowled at him, straightening his attire, which didn't look like robes at all. He was wearing a black, tight T-shirt with "Come over to the dark side... we've got cookies!" –Makin’ it in the movies: how to become a porn star by Rock Junkie and DikiCat Shiny pompous bastards. Ooh, look at me, I only go near virgins. Like virgins are any fun anyway.-- Confessions of a Male Escort by She Who Cannot Be Turned "There is something very appealing about seeing you suspended on the wall."—Her Price by mrsmish Crowley was surprised and delighted that he, seemingly by chance, had acquired an aquatic psychopath. --Twofish by Grindylowe "I tried to win that locket off the Gaunt girl." Tom said, as he was heading towards the door. "I lost five hundred pounds, thirteen acres off our property, my clothes, and we're getting married tomorrow. You can attend the wedding if you like." –Tom and Merope by Lucilla The pouty tone sounded odd when spoken in that crusty, dry, voice.-- The Best Plans Are Improved by xXduchessXx He was over twice the boy's age, nearly three times his weight, and almost half again his height; why the hell did he feel like cornered prey?—Rational Intercourse by AnihyrMoonstar "I'm a ninja," Naruto protested. "Normal people can use the door. I, on the other hand, will continue to use the window to access my fourth floor office."-- Nothing but Trouble by Mister Cynical Crowley is certain that Aziraphale, or at least Aziraphale's people, are somehow responsible for Superman. It is exactly the sort of tacky, ostentatious gesture that they would go for.--Partnership by auberus11 “When in doubt, kill it with fire.”-- Flame in the Night by gman391 "Right. The Shaving Gnomes must have come for it in the night and shifted it a halfway across the bathroom, the bastards,"—The Soft Option by violet gallagher "Temari…" Kankuro sounded like he was freaking out again, although he might never have stopped. "This 'Naruto' guy is sounding more and more like a cult leader."—Please Don’t Eat Me! by Sarah1281 His tea needed a little more sugar—better yet, no, he needed liquor. Pure, undiluted liquor.—Falling in Love In Ten Days Flat by Novelist Pup "It's because I am the coffee god, I could take over the world with my caffeine, I just chose to covertly control torchwood instead."—Stalked by Raeheart Draco lifted one hand and pointed a finger at his father. "Gryffindor!" he yelled theatrically. It was the worst insult he could think of, and his father seemed to agree, because he looked like he was going to pass out.—If Wishes Were Thestrals by Kamerreon Spock raised an eyebrow and turned his head look at the captain. Jim looked surprised, heavily shadowed eyes widening in alarm. "I find your choice of hairpiece highly illogical,"-- Top 10 Lines Never Said in a Star Trek Film by zephtasic I am only half-Vulcan. What's your excuse?—Five and One: Things Not To Say In Shi’Kahr It means Lady Luck is currently wearing a hockey mask and armed with a chainsaw—Ignition by Araceil I support being gayer then a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide—A Good Omens stamp And God said ‘Let there be fanfic’ and there was (and it was pervy)—Someone’s avatar. I know where to go, just not how to get there.—Feline and The Bovine by Ayasha Yumi "Let’s show those French bastards who is really in control! The fairies have blessed my endeavour!" Arthur cackled as he cracked his knuckled. He looked like a stereotypical Hollywood villain.—Oh, These Wretched Seas by demonlifehealer Nore smirked at the other pirates; the fairies will get them back for that type of silent discrimination.—Oh, These Wretched Seas by demonlifehealer There are many great truths in this world. What goes up must come down. When you play with fire, you're likely to get burned. And bringing marshmallows to a cremation or execution by burning is just plain rude… and kind of funny. Those are just a few such truths.—Cutting the Deck "You've reached the Association of Drunken Youth Prodigies, Drunk Youth Prodigy speaking, how may I help you?"—Prodigy by ChipmonkOnSpeed "I was three, and he was getting in the way of Lord of the Rings. I was being perfectly reasonable when I bit him. It wasn't my fault he started bleeding," —Prodigy by ChipmonkOnSpeed "Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze. It maketh me to wake in green pastures: It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses. It restoreth my buzz: It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will fear no Equal: For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me. Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks: Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over. Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life And I will dwell in the House of Mochas forever."—St Drogo, patron saint of coffee by You’re out of your Vulcan mind Can Sauron come out to play?—Someone’s avatar I have no wish to kill anyone. A short term crippling will suffice. Slytherin –An avatar Spock was staring at the screen, and frankly his usual curious interest terrified Jim right now. —Emperor by WerewolvesAreReal You have each been selected for this mission because you are unknown to the enemy and you each have a special skill. Professor Hawkin, John Lesley, Phil Neville, the Wu Tan Clan, Usher, the Sugar Puff Monster and Daniel Day-Lewis. Welcome, to operation mind fuck! –Frankie Boyle "I wonder if this methylenedioxymethamphetamine would have been as peace-inducing, during the wars, as the teachings of Surak. I wonder if such speculation is not in some way blasphemous."—Like a Little Green Wagon by Penbrydd Diamonds are forever but so is a crippling injury."-- Larceny, Lechery, and Luna Lovegood! By Rorschach’s Blot "Harry?" "Yes Draco." "I will eat your soul!"—Abandon Ship by Semika "Huh? Oh," Dean grinned, "Harry is sulking because I refused to take his rant seriously and have given Hermione, Ron, and our esteemed headmaster probable cause to believe I am completely bonkers." —Abandon Ship by Semika "Boy, you look down on me and I'll kick your ass right back in that box of yours. You ain't no cat."—Creep by She Who Cannot Be Turned Something in Matsuda whimpered like a little calf separated from the herd. His respect for L rocketed skywards again, dismissing the appearance of unethical behaviour as irrelevant compared to the fact of Light.—Adaption by Silver Pard They have T-shirts. 'I shared a flat with Sherlock Holmes and lived.'(And of course, there's the one who was wearing 'I shared a flat with Sherlock Holmes and died' at his funeral. The two events were not directly correlated. His mother was just a bit... odd.)—Ignotism by Silver Pard No such thing as vampires. Edward Cullen is a fish from space. -- 100 Things You Know If You Watch Doctor Who by ZabellaCookie "If I wasn't about to kill you and take Natsu for myself, I would advise you two to seek counselling."—Kindred Dragon Spirits by BonneNuit "After Haku got him calmed down and convinced that Zabuza wasn't really trying to kill Kakashi-sensei, he showed him how to knit socks with senbon. That's a really useful skill to have. I wish I'd had the patience to sit down and learn it myself." –Time MixUP by Lucillia Rooster had seen many so-stupid-it-works tactics employed, such as the whole existence of the cooking nin of Kaminari no Kuni whose whole purpose was to spoil their enemies' missions by making such good food that the ninja couldn't stop eating and would become too fat to fight efficiently. –Uprooted by Orrunan My Jesus believes in fweedom, reads gay porn and watches The Daily Show. Which makes him better than yours. –Someone’s avatar You're just jealous because the voices in my head talk to me and not you.—Unknown Everything here is eatable. Even I'm eatable, but that is called cannibalism, my dear children, and is frowned upon in most societies. --Willy Wonka "Do not be afraid! I come in peace!" She placed both her hands in front of her before she let them fall as she mused out-loud. "Well sometimes I come screaming, but only in falling circumstances." –Makin’ it in the movies: how to become a porn star by Rock Junkie and DikiCat And then there are Sherlock Holmes' deductive powers. His ability to get up everyone's nose and inside their brain, solve crimes and (most importantly) scare the bejesus out of new acquaintances are yet to be rivalled by the coat. And seeing as those powers have saved lives, apprehended murderers and pissed off Anderson, it's probably lucky for everyone that Sherlock is yet to be rendered obsolete by the coat. –Objects, or why Mycroft needs his Umbrella by BraithGwirod "Don't you know anything about history or culture?" The Doctor said. "Those books started a war you know. After they were rediscovered in 2124." "Who won?" "Ah… Team Jakeward." He shook his head. "Never upset slashers." –A Sweet and Tender Hooligan by You’re out of your Vulcan mind (YES! Fear the yoai fanghouls! We shall rule all!) Stop trying to seduce Kurosaki-taicho. We have given him ample reason not to defect. No matter how many times you show up to battle dressed in go-go boots, a g-string, bunny ears and a smile, he is staying right where he is; even if we have to whore the entire Gotei 13 to him.—Please Stop Eating the Hell Butterflies by Mistress Nika “I’ll kill you with my tea cup.”—The Chronicles of Riddick "I find your use of facts against me offensive,"-- Schrodinger’s Vampire by The Divine Comedian "The likelihood of my having to throw one of them is almost infinitesimal, though I could, in theory, achieve a considerable distance in the proper environment."—Atlas by Angel Baby1 "I have no intention in fighting Dr. McCoy," Spock replied, although he did look more cheerful than he had for a while. "He is an intelligent man with regards to physical well-being. I trust he will forfeit long before it comes to that." –Home by Lanaea "Do not make them ask me how to do your calculations, I am too tired. Ask Chekov. He likes calculations. He can do zat."—My Own Interrupted Iowa by T’Pinto Cho gave him a level look. "If Jane was tied up and in my bed, no one would ever see him again." –Three’s a Crowd by Oroburos69 “Granny,” said Esk, in the exasperated and remarkably adult voice children use to berate their wayward elders. “I don’t think you quite understand. I don’t want to hit the ground. It’s never done anything to me.”-Equal Rites by Terry Prachett "Evidently, my name is 'Other Blonde'. I like pain, hate sleep, routinely urinate in people's teacups, and dream of becoming a janitor." –Blood of Metal by Lord Dragon Claw There was a fervent light there that Jim only saw when the Enterprise ran into some really interesting alien technology. The ‘I want to run so many experiments that your head would explode’ mad scientist look that Spock got when he really got to flex his science officer muscles. –New (and Really Bizarre) Life by jade_dragoness "I know you're jealous of my rather nicely shaped legs, teme, but really, is that any way to act?"—Somewhere in Between by fowl 68 "Belgium is a country invented by the British to annoy the French." -Charles de Gaulle "You look like two of the smurfs just fornicated and combusted on your face," she snarled. "I find you offensive and disgusting. Leave my presence immediately." – Kurt’s Gamble by The Drowned World "That's because my breastesses were lovingly handcrafted by God," she said primly, "to turn idiotic men like you into bumbling morons. Don't change the subject." – Kurt’s Gamble by The Drowned World "Language, meatheads! Since when do you have the clout to insult my head Cheerios just because one is an ex-pregnoid disgrace and one is Liberace and Elton John's secret gay love child? GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!" – Kurt’s Gamble by The Drowned World "Let's cut the crap," Santana interjected. "Mr. Hummel, we plan to take complete control of the school. I will assume my natural position as queen of all I survey, with your son as my first lieutenant. After that, world domination is the next logical step. Or possibly a talk show." – An Unholy Alliance by gleefulmusings "Okay, so, I'm kind of inappropriately in love with your father," Santana said to Kurt, who nodded. "He has that effect on people.” – An Unholy Alliance by gleefulmusings "I don't care if you're his brother now. As the Number One in his Fruit Fly Harem, I automatically trump anything so banal as family."—Here Comes Kurty Claus by gleefulmusings Puck rolled his eyes. "Duh, dude. Dolphins are just gay sharks." He quirked his own brow, which was so much sexier than the hairy caterpillar on Bland's face. "Shouldn't you know this?" —Here Comes Kurty Claus by gleefulmusings The captain in question made several motions which would have been squawking if he was allowed to use his vocal chords, but he was quickly stilled by the judicious use of superior eyebrows.—Safe Mode by Vivian Street Many, many years wasted in sake and gambling had gained her little but debts and regrets, but this was at least something; not having to lower herself to unimaginative four letter words.—Uprooted by Orrunan While Uzumaki-san was facing an enraged, demented Jashin-worshipper whom he had just compared to Uchiha and whose god he had just compared to a bunny. —Uprooted by Orrunan He wasn't sure if that made him a douche or a pussy but, hey, it was better than being a sparkly vampire. Because that was all kinds of lame. —Here Comes Kurty Claus by gleefulmusings "If it's not someone dying, then I don't care." He paused. "Actually, even if someone were dying, I still wouldn't care."—Nirvana Sherlock had no fear of monsters, not since Miss Amelia had given him a baseball bat, told him open the closet and take a good whack at anything that frightened him. This was good, practical advice that would serve him well through adulthood.—Archenemies by Vash the Humanoid Sunshower The voices in my head say you have mental problems—Profile of mist shadow "Luna Loveood, for knowing what's going on before any of us do, we hereby name thee Kilroy, the one who's always there before everyone else gets there!"—Prank Lord Potter by TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel "Well there you go. Now hush. That actress looks a lot like Rachel and I want to see her eaten by that giant lizard."—Of Tom Petty, Water Pipes and Feeling High by Onee-san I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along—The Evil Overlords List If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids. —The Evil Overlords List When in doubt, shoot the wizard. – Avatar of hyperfuzzy Lestrade is the only one that looks like he saw that coming. Strangely, a lot of people still think John is sane, despite the fact that he willingly shares a flat with Sherlock Holmes and blogs about murders. –Agglomeration by Silver Pard "Don't be ridiculous, John," Sherlock huffs. "None of the chemicals I'm currently working with will react in any way to dead flesh other than to maybe destroy it. Besides, a zombie consisting of just a head? That's not scary, that's pathetic." –Agglomeration by Silver Pard "Pardon?" Sherlock says. John translates it as: when did you start speaking Mycroft? I knew I should have put my foot down about the random kidnapping when I had the chance. –Agglomeration by Silver Pard You ever hear a crime don unironically quote Star Wars? It's guaranteed to brighten your day, even when your day involves broken bones and crazy amounts of pain. – other things the road to hell is paved with by Lucia Zephyr "Everything is a lesson, darling. There is a lesson in breakfast. In Gregory's case, it would be that not enough roughage causes constipation." --Harveste Addams and the Order of the Pheonix by kyaru-chan "The forces of evil are nigh upon me, my own allies will stab me in the back, and kittens shall never be cute again until the end of time!"—Portends for a Rainy Day by Kantayra "Hey, guys!" I shouted out over the sound of wind and rain outside. "Are you harbingers of evil, determined to purge my soul and steal my powers for world domination?" The question echoed throughout my apartment quite nicely, if I do say so myself.—Portends for a Rainy Day by Kantayra 'No coffee yet' was always a fabulous excuse because any manner of insanity could be explained away by it. This was generally a good thing because I sometimes forgot pre-coffee not to talk aloud back to Lasciel. Snark was usually my default morning setting.—Voices in my Head by Kantayra It was amazing how quickly Hermione could go from pissed too pleased. The expression on her face cleared up like the sky after a storm and her eyes lit up with the fires of Research.-- Harveste Addams and the Order of the Pheonix by kyaru-chan Even if we did live in a comic book universe, Warden Morgan would not be a superhero known as Captain Paranoia, nor would Dresden go around calling himself Collateral Damage Man.—Guidelines by Morrigan’s Wings "Captain," Spock interrupts, "I have never 'ripped a head off' in my life. Even with a Vulcan grip, it is remarkably difficult to separate the skull from the spine, and the flesh, without a sharp implement."—Boredom in the Face of Klingons by mattmetzger In the Iwa bingo book she goes by the name Okubo the Evil Counterpart and it amuses her greatly. --Uprooted by Orrunan Starscream seemed to be the central focus of the beldam, that much at least was normal. The part that gave Megatron pause was the way Soundwave appeared to be attempting to hide from Skywarp's homicidal glare.—Action Equals Reaction by Sanjuno Shori Niko Tina insisted that Kurt and Santana had some kind of Vulcan mind meld. Sam was of the opinion that Kurt and Santana were actually telepathic and capable of reading everyone's thoughts. After that pronouncement, Puck had avoided Kurt and Santana for a week and Finn had cried for three days. – Gold Star by gleefulmusings Brittany had kissed Artie effusively, but it was Kurt she'd tried to French. --Gold Star by gleefulmusings Puck's eyes sparkled. "Duchess, I never knew." Kurt gave him a sweet smile. "And you never will, Noah. Some mountains are so majestic that peasants dare not approach." – Gold Star by gleefulmusings "What do you have against baby ducks?" "They stare at me like they want something," –I can’t believe I chose the mountains by andthenshe Just because you are a "unique mix of Hollow, Quincy and Awesome" does not mean you may ignore the authority of your legal guardian.—Please Stop Eating the Hell Butterflies by Mistress Nika We honestly did not realize that you had drugged the entire eleventh division, stashed them in Hitsugaya-taicho's oubliette and replaced them all with apes. —Please Stop Eating the Hell Butterflies by Mistress Nika "And, as usual, you scored right in the middle. Congratulations, Xander. You're bisexual." He groaned. "Why can't I ever just make a decision?" – Operation Fabulous by GleefulMusings "My apologies, gentlemen. I will profane the Lord after I am sated with biscuits." His Lordship make a match by jibrailis Prowl blinked and backed up, rechecking his options and deciding that sometimes you should forget logic in favor of your instincts for self-preservation.—28 Starscreams by Balrog Roike Starscream had stood up to Ironhide, made him back off, out-cursed Ratchet effortlessly, had a knack for ridiculous schemes, was almost as vain as Sunstreaker, insulted the twins fearlessly, had no respect for authority…. He was a perfect match for the two, a match made in the pit. —28 Starscreams by Balrog Roike Eames is convinced he's a serial killer but Cobb is a wishful thinker, claiming Arthur's probably just a hired assassin. –Sploogetastic by tourdefierce Eames has seen Arthur cuddle with his guns before. In fact, Arthur has been known to sleep with more than one of his beloved firearms. He's been known to sleep with them loaded, safety off, finger on the trigger and even though Eames knows he's going to get shot one day and die a really embarrassing death for an international mind thief, it's still really hot that Arthur's a psycho little fuck. –Sploogetastic by tourdefierce “Please,” says Arthur, tilting his head up and staring at the ceiling, “please, Mal, I know you’re listening, please just get someone to strike him dead where he stands. I know you can do it, Mal. Please. For your children.” --YO K2tog(it’s like code) by lazuisong "No," Harry said automatically, denying that romance had anything to do with their back and forth arguing and occasional domestic status. "I'm saying that 'too far' into one anothers personal boundaries has already happened and you're just bitchy because you didn't think of it first." – Breakneck Sabbatical by Alzipher "Hold in the rage, doll. We will unleash it all upon Hogwarts. We are entitled to this, my lovely- for we are the early bloomers- we are full of rage and are confused passed all shit. Therefore... we will be horrible!" – Saffron Quinzul, not Harry Potter by Islandi "I don't care if you looked," Arthur said. "You were practically molesting my back on the beach; so what if you saw my ass. Just don't diss the phytoplankton. Because I will cut you." – Mr Eames and Mr Eames by jibrailis But then Sanjay remembers he is a grownup who gets drunk, and he’s on his way to becoming a criminal mastermind physicist, or at least a petty burglar, and his parents can wait. Right now he’s gotta go meet Luke at the union. – When you need friends more than physics by najella "Do you think I'm fucking around?" Arthur asks, conversationally murderous. "Because I'm not fucking around." The kid swallows hard, because the kind of exhausted insanity Arthur is feeling is universal and telegraphed in the tightness of his shoulders and the fierce craziness of his eyes. "Now, sit down." The kid sits. "He's a copy editor," Tom explains to the holding cell at large.—Early Returns by rageprufrock did they ever decide which one of them gets you in the split? Eames writes in return, which Arthur would find insulting if he wasn't electing to be neutral because he'd been the object of a real, actual pulling fight between Dom and Mal five months into their first separation. --Early Returns by rageprufrock “Zhuge Liang?’ “Yes?” “If I agree to play the flute for you as you asked me to half an hour ago when you couldn’t sleep and needed someone to annoy, will you stop twirling that fan at me and pretending to be a woman?” – Feminine Wiles by Dhobi ki Kutti Thou shall not covert thy neighbour’s manservant.— Kuroshitsuji motivational Spock did not know what to make of the Admiral's comment, until the evening news broke and he realised that, as far as Earth was concerned, the change in regulations meant Spock was going to marry Uhura, Chapel, several Vulcan females he was not personally acquainted with, the rest of the bridge staff, McCoy and, in a more outlandish article, it was predicted he would make the Enterprise's senior staff into his harem.—The House of Kirk by Gyptian "Sorry," Lancelot says, and he really does sound regretful, because he’s Lancelot, "but you're starting to smell like cleaning agent and Gwen said you called her a fork-tongued swizzle-stick, so I thought we had better rally."—Burning for Burning by frantic Nathan should have stayed with the IRA. Of course they were crazy like monkeys on crack, but it was a sensible, no-magical, we-just-hate-people-who-aren't-catholic-enouh-particularly-if-they're-English craziness. On the other hand, Italian-American mobsters effortlessly reached an unparalleled level of romantic no-fucking-sense I-want-to-marry-a-fucking-teenage-witch-I-meet-a-week-ago craziness. –Missourian love by WhiteDamon Darcy was thrilled to watch Loki use a combination of illusions and pole dancer-fu on them all. –Becoming Magpie by Trensu If Thor is the Mastiff slobbering all over your face and chocking you with its weight until you can’t do anything but acknowledge it, Loki is the cat who crawls under the covers and bites at your feet until you either cuddle it or –not so- accidentally kick it off, at which point you get scars on your calves.—Wooer Wooed by TerresDeBrume That's when Leonard runs into a banner proclaiming, "Happy 50th Alien Marriage Dr. McCoy and Commander XtmprsqzSpock!" and realizes that the Enterprise crew would, like the Thraxians, use any excuse to party. –How to Get Accidentaly Married(in three easy steps) by steptostars “This is my brother, my one true nemesis. However, please note that should anything happen to my brother and I find out you were involved, I will rip out your heart, eat it, and then give birth to you. I will then proceed to dress you in embarrassing little sailor outfits and push you around in a stroller and clean your face with an enspittled napkin. Understand?” – Our Loki, No Touch! By Chiauve “Next time,” Tony added, “just be sure to listen to the crazy supervillain when he bothers to make powerpoints.” – Our Loki, No Touch! By Chiauve "The one thing Noah understands above all else is sex," Kurt continued. "If I were to engineer a situation which caused him to believe that I am sleeping with both Sam and Santana, there is every possibility that his brain will implode and leak out of his ears, which would make Finn feel better and be terribly entertaining for me." –A Helping Hand by gleefullmusings Oh god! Was Kurt having threesomes? Orgies? Was he using condoms? Did he understand how condoms worked? Was Kurt having steamy bisexual intercourse with Sam Evans and Santana Lopez? Was there video available? –A Helping Hand by gleefullmusings "I'm just stating a fact. That's all. I cuddle with Kurt all the time. So does Finn. Puck is a cuddling slut," Sam gestured to the Mohawk friend. Puck nodded, clearly comfortable with his new title. "This is very true." – Of Bear Cubs, Meerkats and Hobbits by obsessivekumpulsivereader "Dobby wants’ to know, does bitch wish to dance?" – Odd Ideas by Rorschach Blot "I must show you exactly how displeased I am," Luna mused, "and the best way to do that is with an interpretive dance." – Odd Ideas by Rorschach Blot Team Starscream: Because if I have to choose I want the giant sexy robot. – Stamp by LadyKnightSky Damn, but Marcone on a roll was just so badass. I know he's read the Evil Overlord List.—Not His Wizard by seizethefire Loki gave a long-suffering sigh. “If I admit I do have secret feelings, will you help me sabotage the first trial?” – a hundred million suns and stars (and I’d cross them all for a glimpse of you) by dearly anonymous [1] - Darcy is that rare muggle-born Slytherin. She hates that her ipod doesn't work in the school. Loki is a shit friend and does not share in her angst over the lack of Adele. – a hundred million suns and stars (and I’d cross them all for a glimpse of you) by dearly anonymous [2] - Bruce is furry and secretly likes to be petted. Surprisingly, said petting helps with his anger issues. [8] - Despite that he likes to write their secrets in the bathroom stalls, the majority of the student body find Loki 40% strangely attractive and 60% evil and frustratingly annoying as hell. It would help solve the mystery if Odin would cough up and admit he had an affair with a scary, crazy Veela some fifteen years ago. – a hundred million suns and stars (and I’d cross them all for a glimpse of you) by dearly anonymous Darcy had mentally dubbed it, the Cloak of Undetectability because undetectability was so a word and she was putting it into the dictionary once she and Loki ruled the world – becoming Magpie by Trensu “But I’m not joking! Honestly!” Balder pouted. “You’ll see. In six years, I’m going to court you. I’ll court you much better than Fandral ever would. Because he’s a cad and rake and a ruffian and…and…and I, Lady Sif, am a gentleman.” – Hey Mister, That’s My Sister! "Because we were actually exchanging gifts, and they wanted to give me a chicken. It lays eggs and if there's some sort of large creature you can just sort of throw it and run." – All the Kings Men by Pookaseraph "In Soviet Russia," I said in my best Sanya impersonation, "blowfish eat you!" – Harry the Blowfish by Belladonna-Veilsin “The salted tears of my vic— Wait. Wait is someone there with you? In my— Is that Barton? In my apartment? Get that ill-born bastard out of my home immediately! Barton! Is he stealing my arrows? Keep him away from my arrows. Those are mine by right!” – Y2h0aG9u by Alis Dee (dee) Loki’s hand deftly snatched the phone. “Hello. I’m the potential trap in question, and I’m currently naked in Tony Stark’s bed. Do you really need to know much more than that?” – Of Liar’s Gifts and Gifted Liars by Like_A_Hurricane “You’re saying that you need more henchmen?” “No, no. They get in the way of the lasers.” – Of Liar’s Gifts and Gifted Liars by Like_A_Hurricane Tony laughed at them, an arm around Loki’s waist and one of the trickster’s arms draped over his shoulders. He was wearing more leather and metal than he’d ever worn at once before in his life, he was surrounded by nearly-immortal god-like figures in the royal banquet hall of Asgard, and he and the god of mischief had just confused and surprised a crowd of rather less imaginative people, many of whom were making positively hilarious faces at them.—Calculating Chaos by Like_A_Hurricane “Where’s a good place around here for foie gras? I feel a sudden deep, abiding hatred for geese.” —Calculating Chaos by Like_A_Hurricane She shook her head. "No, usually it's worse, with curse words, emphatic gestures, threats of vengeance, and vows of retribution thrown about willy-nilly. Artie pits his technological ingenuity against Kurt's mysterious and indefinable ninja powers. It's all very medieval. I switch teams according to my shifting moods and whether or not I'm pre-periodic." – Metamorphosis by gleefullmusings "It's true!" Thor says excitedly. "Loki is a very talented wielder of knives, daggers and all things pointy." – Caught With Your Pants Down by SchyzotypalX Spock will have something to say about his being compromised by foliage, something involving long words, and maybe percentages, and that special sort of sneering that isn't actually sneering but is as good as. And eyebrows that judge him. Oh the eyebrows are good at judging him. – Yellow by entanglednow Merlin's feet hurt. No, they didn't just hurt. They ached. They suffered, they cried out in lamentations. They rose up in protest and said impolite things about his mother. They were in full and utter rebellion. – On Tethered Wings by Thuri Loki pondered. Then he declared he liked Iron Maiden. And Lady Gaga. And Rammstein. And Deine Lakaien. Oh and the soundtrack of My Little Pony.—Why by LokiLiesmith "Well, it's not like I was going to stay there. And besides, we're a Buddhist temple. You're the closest thing to a beautiful maiden we've got." – Tale as Old as Time by windfallswest “Sometimes I get up that tree that squirrel would be covered in make up!” – Eddie Izzard, Dressed to Kill The mops, Kouryuu noticed, did not chide him. – Tale as Old as Time by windfallswest "There has been a certain amount of speculation regarding the sexual tension," the lamp chimed in. "Demonstrably, even a block of wood can pick up on it." – Tale as Old as Time by windfallswest That had been his actual campaign platform, “Vote for me or else you will experience torment on a level you have never felt before, plus I promise a better quality of pizza in the cafeteria.” Loki had won by a landslide.—It’s Good To Be The King by lokissoldier If there is anywhere important you have to get to on foot, you can be sure that it's uphill.- Farr2rich's Rule of Life number 1 Whenever you are raking leaves or shoveling snow, the wind will never blow in the direction you want it to.- Farr2rich's Rule of Life number 2 Hold on... train of thought hit a car. –unknown 'STRESS: A condition brought on by over-riding the bodies desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it –Unknown I'll have to research the predatory, manipulative, grandiose nature of this behavior, but my first impression is that we're dealing with a complete loon.—Ducky from NCIS Luck protects fools, small children, and the main protagonist of stories. Exceptions exclude Shakespearean characters, soap opera characters, Urashima Keitaro, Ranma Saotome near any body of water, and Archie Andrews.- Card Captor Harry by Shadow Crystal Mage "I'm supposed to get you to adulthood ALIVE, not uncorrupted."- Bedtime Stories by Sunfreak It took longer than he wanted, as Gai and ‘not crazy’ haven’t been on speaking terms for the last ten years.- A Different Perspective by Kage Husha 199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.—Skippy’s List 200. My chain of command is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car. —Skippy’s List 201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the save the squad. —Skippy’s List 94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that. —Skippy’s List 10. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time. —Skippy’s List “Oh, fuck you.” Arthur was baring his teeth, too strained to manage a smile. “Whatever town you end up in next, I swear I’ll hunt you down and kick you in the face if you die on me now. You can be working at an outpost in Antarctica and I will still find you and bludgeon you with a penguin.” – body frail, been to jail by recrudescence “I always have clearance,” Loki answered haughtily. He grabbed Bruce by the chin and spun him around, tracing a gloved finger down the scientist’s chest. He leaned in until they were nose-to-nose, until all Bruce could see were those deadly vivid unblinking green eyes. “Now be a lamb and let me work,” Loki purred then forcefully shoved Bruce down into a swivel chair. Nothing happened. Maybe the Other Guy was as stunned as he was. – Hit Repeat, Babe by drusche “I am wearing heels larger than your manhood.” – Hit Repeat, Babe by drusche Loki sashayed smoothly up to his brother, accentuated hips swaying, and glamorously kneed the God of Thunder in the crotch. – Hit Repeat, Babe by drusche “You’re a liar. And a diva. Bet you adored the drama,” Tony drawled, pretending to sit relaxed back against the boardroom wall. Loki only grinned wolfishly and vanished with the teleportation suppressor in a wisp of heels, corset, suit and green. – Hit Repeat, Babe by drusche “Ah, intelligentsia,” Azazel tells him philosophically, waving his permanently sunburned hand in front of Erik’s face. “To you and I the stove is a tool to heat our food, to them it’s a well of possibility.”—Protect, Serve, Troll by keire_ke Then it turned out the inhabitants of the Salem’s Drive dorm have already mounted a rescue mission, gave the cat a soul-searching pep-talk and gave it the confidence to access its inner squirrel, which was why, when Erik got there, the infernal creature was purring into his owner’s substantial bosom. Erik was awarded the dubious honour of having to escort the stoned, red-headed catotherapist off the tree. —Protect, Serve, Troll by keire_ke Xavier discards the magazine and stares at him thoughtfully. Slowly the corners of his mouth travel upwards and curl, setting Erik’s twisted heart aflutter. The dark corners of his soul whisper to him, sending powerful command to kneel and ask for bidding, while breathing heavily through his helmet. There may even be a cape in the picture. —Protect, Serve, Troll by keire_ke “On the contrary,” Loki purred, “being king will ensure I receive all the tummy rubs.”—Bringing Your New Cat-God Home by Mac_and_Lana "I will not harangue on command," I snapped. "Go to sleep." "Yeah," he said dreamily. "Just like that." --Till You Make It by lightgetsin "Are you aware in the slightest that I kind of want to kill you?" –Truthfully by Salazarfalcon "Certainly. It is nothing less than the first officer's job to keep the Captain abreast of current events. However, I would suggest that you devote 1.5 additional hours to sleep. If your mind is not properly rested, you will have even greater trouble behaving as though nothing has happened." Kirk mentally translated; Of course I don't mind, Jim. It is my job to keep you from dribbling on yourself in public. But if you don't get more sleep, you'll keep eyesexing me on the bridge, and I don't want to give the doctor an excuse to drag us back down to medbay. He blinked sleepily at himself. Where the hell had that last bit come from? – Safe Mode by “Yea, though he may walk through the valley of the shadow of death, he need fear no evil; for he’d still be the evilest bastard in that valley.” – Web of Lies by Like a Huricane It was the first time Q had been kidnapped, and, on the whole, he was rather disgusted with the whole endeavor.—the sheer lack of professionalism by scioscribe “You—sorry. You texted James Bond to ask him to come and ransom me? You texted James Bond and told him you kidnapped me?”—the sheer lack of professionalism by scioscribe Please Captain, not in front of the Klingons- Spock to Kirk, Star Trek V "Behold the Specter of Sick Bay," Sulu sang darkly. "Where no man should go unwarned."—Absolute Horizon by AAmuse "If you must insist, Doctor," Spock glanced at Uhura impassively. "You may have a go at the helm, Lieutenant." —Absolute Horizon by Aamuse "No, you idiots!" Amora burst out before any of the people present could leave, "Why does Loki do anything, why does he charm Fandral's sword to be blunt? Why does he steal the entirety of Idunn's apple collection and the tree as well? Why does he tie his testicles to a goat? The answer to all of these is boredom". – Godly Encyclopedia by 198thEarlofEastAnglia I'll gladly go so far as to declare you more evil than Google if that's what it takes for you to GIVE ME THE SERVERS AND STOP TELLING HIM THINGS.—ERROR: TOO MANY FEELS by enemyofperfect 'Do not provoke crazy ninja with more chakra than you do' was pretty much a ninja rule, for all it wasn't an official one.- not sure where this is from His brother, he discovered, had more layers than a Texan at the North Pole.- The Wake Up Call by November’sGuest if we don't hear back from you in 48 hours we will send in a rescue team armed with insulin and the cookie monster for backup! – Comment by hoxjn on hir Cookies Motivational, devientart Stiles directs a look of, seriously, where did you find these guys? at Blue Eyes. The werewolf looks faintly abashed.—Hide Of A Life War by Etharei Kurosaki Isshin- Stop giving people the "shovel speech". If anyone hurts your son, he'll hurt them right back. –Please Stop Eating the Hell Butterflies by Mistress Nika Should you somehow manage to bluff your way into the control room of a power company, crash their computers and leave nearly the entire city dark, it is best to make a quiet retreat; not loudly declare "I'm a time traveler from many centuries in the past! Your evil witchcraft confuses and frightens me! A pox on you all!" before leaping out a fifth floor window, ditching your gigai mid-fall and leaving it as a "dead body" for the authorities to find. –Please Stop Eating the Hell Butterflies by Mistress Nika Dean said something about Cinderella reverting back to her alcoholic house-keeper self by midnight, falling into the pumpkin patch and expecting the mice to offer her a ride home.-- Mistakes, they’re memories made by glovered The Colonel stared, dumbfounded at the implication. "You felled one of the SGC's best warriors with a pen?!" he demanded incredulously. --Rubber Sword by Milareppa "Are you telling me I was defeated by a blind, pen-toting pacifist who became a ninja for the sake of science?!" --Rubber Sword by Milareppa Oh, God, really? Is this your revenge for me calling you a goat-fucking sonofabitch? –A Second Alpha by ali_inthejungle He’s convinced that his jeep runs on hope and sarcasm and nothing else A Second Alpha by ali_inthejungle “No! Bad alpha! No attacking the soft, breakable human! That is, that is just unacceptable, we have been peaceful as fuck! Use your words, violence is not the answer!”—Will of the Weakness by Cheshyr “Hey! Hey! Tone down the pedophile talk; it’s never going to happen! And shut up, at least I’m not wearing a leather jacket. You do realize people over 30 shouldn’t wear leather unless Wesley Snipes is about to kill them?” Peter laughed, rolling his eyes at the same time. “And you wonder why you’re my favorite.” – A (not so) secret agenda by stolen_moonlight Derek doesn’t sound exactly offended that Allison would accuse him of cannibalism. It’s more indignant, like he purposefully held back and wants credit for it.—Every Step You Take by Nokomis The commendations are like chocolate on apples. They've mind-fucked demons after all. – Crowley & Crowley by Nights Fang The eighth meeting is a thing of beauty. It involves three hellhounds, maggots, rats, some of Alistair's more mundane devices, mead, and an interesting rumour about Beelzebub, Lilith, Mephistopheles and unicorns. – Crowley & Crowley by Nights Fang Any curious demon, human-turned or Fallen who asks is seen less than ten seconds later running away screaming bloody murder in a way that impresses even Alistair. He promptly asks about their technique, and starts a petition to get the both of them transferred into Torture.– Crowley & Crowley by Nights Fang "Anyone unlucky enough to capture you or Edward-kun separately, let alone together, would regret it within five minutes, and by morning would have let you go to ensure their own preservation."—Button Up Your Overcoat by Skinner (psiten) He hadn't worked with Elric more than a day or two here and there over the years, so he'd only heard Alphonse describe his brother's occasional rages. The kind where his hair twitched in silence, and the storms of hell seemed to wrap themselves up into a haloing spiral around his whole body. Russell backed slowly toward the door as the prisoner shot him a glance that seemed to say, 'Don't worry about me. Save yourself.' —Button Up Your Overcoat by Skinner (psiten) Argus Filch became something of a father figure to Harry, quelling Harry's friend's worries about paedophiles. He found out about the Dursleys foul treatment of Harry, and although he couldn't do any magic on them, he did take a train to their house and spend a week sleeping on their lawn. Petunia nearly had a heart attack, and Dudley stopped going outside, as every time he did, Argus hissed at him and demanded satisfaction.—The Chamber Strike by evansentranced Snape decided that it would be advantageous for him to keep Harry around, and decided to try and adopt him. He and Argus Filch began a custody battle that frankly baffled the newspapers. After a few years, Harry came of age and it became a moot point. Strangely, that didn't stop the battle, and after a few more years, the courts decided to simply ask Harry what he wanted. —The Chamber Strike by evansentranced “You're just jealous you're not married to the mob boss,” – That’s Nice, Stiles by beaularbear Then as I watched in total shock and incredulity, our fourth teammate strode up to the platform. Teal'c grasped Danny firmly around the thighs, slung him over his shoulder and left the room.—Indiana Jackson by Debi_c Moral of the story. Do not play gay chicken with Stiles Stilinski, for he will totally crash if necessary.—Make Me by billtheradish “I just got ass kicked by a human who left me in the middle of the road and stole my car.” Derek said. “I don’t feel particularly Alpha right now.” – Out of Milk... by 74days There was a fervent light there that Jim only saw when the Enterprise ran into some really interesting alien technology. The ‘I want to run so many experiments that your head would explode’ mad scientist look that Spock got when he really got to flex his science officer muscles.—New (and Really Bizare) Life by Jade_Dragoness Jim nearly died of stifled laughter at the expression on the science officer’s face when he held out the tricorder to Spock. The man looked like he was offering a sacrifice to a beloved god, opposed to just giving a kid an advanced piece of technology to play with. – As Morning Shows the Day by Jade_Dragoness Eames makes a sobbing sound into his pillow and groans at his flatmate, “Yusuf. Yusuf… where is my moral compass?” – California Stars by La Sordide Dear Boss, We don't mind being referred to as your minions. As long as you agree that you'll bring us along when you inevitably snap from the stress and become a supervillian. We make an excellent army. We'll even make you a cape. Zoe has suggested "Earl Grey" as your villain name and we approve. – Memos from Q Branch by AviaCarter We don't know who you are. We don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, we can tell you we don't have money. But what we do have are a very particular set of skills; skills we have acquired over very long careers. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you replace our coffee now, that'll be the end of it. We will not look for you, we will not pursue you. But if you don't, we will look for you, we will find you, and we will kill you. Or possibly just destroy your credit rating, humiliate you on social media and rig your computer to show porn pop-ups every thirty seconds. – Memos from Q Branch by AviaCarter if we stop burning things in Q-Branch we will lose valuable team bonding time and inspiration from the deities to whom we chant. We have headgear and everything. Now if you'll excuse us, we're off to chant for 007 to bring his experimental prototypes back from Hawaii. – Memos from Q Branch by AviaCarter Whilst I have no memory of doing so, it is entirely possible that I may have manufactured an AI chip capable of forming it's own opinions and implanted it in the toaster... shouldn't be too much of a problem, but please let me know straight away if the microwave starts giggling– Memos from Q Branch by AviaCarter "First, distraction is your friend. There is a reason my minions favour possessing extremely attractive people when brokering deals." He batted a finger against Dean's leather jacket. "And you are the prettiest princess in all the land." – Devil Is in the Details by Annehiggins It seemed to Daniel that Death mumbled something about archeologists being more annoying than Hercules. He might have misheard.—Because I Could Not Stop for Death by WerewolvesAreReal The next day at the SGC Daniel walked up to Cameron. "Would you believe me if I said I think I was dead for a few hours yesterday after I went to the market?" "Yes," said Mitchell, unfazed. —Because I Could Not Stop for Death by WerewolvesAreReal Mitchell nods, and it's a testament to the strangeness of their life that he contemplates Death visiting his friend and just says "I wouldn't worry about it, then."—Because I Could Not Stop for Death by WerewolvesAreReal His not-friends ignored this - typical - and promptly started demanding of a startled Death what qualified one for immortality, because frankly, Daniel already seemed to be there.—Because I Could Not Stop for Death by WerewolvesAreReal “You know, when you put it like that, it actually reminds me that I have footage of one of my robots getting into a fire-extinguisher fight with an extinct animal because you’re a time-travelling irresponsible pet owner.”—A Bright and Bitter Flame by forthegreatergood Oh I’m not gonna go straight to hell Emily, I’m gonna stop off at New York first.” --Ethan White from Beautiful Creatures Crowley somehow managed to inject scepticism, irony and an air of sophisticated detachment that implied he could see this was a highly sensitive personal matter into a single lift of an eyebrow and a tiny sip of coffee. Aziraphale was astonished that anyone could drink coffee in such an offensive manner. Loki and Bartleby reacted rather badly and turned very interesting colours.—Home is Where the Heart Is by Daegaer Bob's nominally Catholic, but he's always been keen on the notion of balanced male/female divinity, and if God is the pure joy of creation, the Metatron is Her annoyed other half who comes along behind to keep the electrons spinning tidily .—Godma or, The Seven Stages of Grace by Merlin Missy (mtgat) "Exactly!" Moncey brightened up. "I would never creep around in a lady's linen drawers! Nobody shall ever impugn my good name with such accusations! Thou canst not say I did it! Therefore, the Union Jack." He put a talon under the sachel to lift it so he could admire it himself. "I had it painted in Lisbon. Which was easy-peasy compared to getting the dratted thing in the first place, I can tell you. Major Hogan wrote to the Depot of Military Knowledge in London for a dragon-sized dossier carrier, and they wrote back saying 'wha-a-at?' – Sharps Dragon, or How Richard Sharp was gazetted into the wrong service Part One by Blackdisa "Well, no, sir," Leroy replied. "I think if you tried to coddle him he'd bite you. I don't think he even knows what coddling is, our Captain Sharpe." – Sharps Dragon, or How Richard Sharp was gazetted into the wrong service Part One by Blackdisa "But he's so abusable. Look at him; look at that frown of disapproval framed by the questionable moustache."—The Limits Cannot Hold by Like a Hurricane Atop a lofty pile of icy, twisted, immobilized Doom-made automatons, Loki perched as though lounging on a throne, with the carefree indolence only particularly smug royalty ever seemed capable of managing. He was still blue, and his teeth were startlingly white in the mad smile he offered them both as he idly tossed Spider-man the bag he’d webbed up in a tree.—The Limits Cannot Hold by Like a Hurricane The next few days were fairly quiet, except for the planning of a gallery opening, which Tony and Pepper seemed inclined to argue over. Lyra found the whole idea boring, and the arguments about it were about as interesting as watching paint dry. It was extreme boredom that made the trickster’s overall situational awareness suffer somewhat, so that she was ill-timed enough not to notice the door open just as she said, “If you two keep harping on about insignificant details on this mind-numbing topic, I will strip naked just to make you both too uncomfortable to continue.”—The Limits Cannot Hold by Like a Hurricane “You’re both apparently dating me now; get over it,” Loki deadpanned.—The Limits Cannot Hold by Like a Hurricane “I thought gods kinda took pride in that sort of thing: not knowing the petty ways of us mundane mortals, et cetera.” “You confuse me with an American tourist,” —The Limits Cannot Hold by Like a Hurricane “Charming to see you again, Mr. Stark. I do remember our last meeting... fondly.” Tony managed to keep a straight face, but it was a near thing. Because Loki has just explained that his memories updated through dreams, which meant that Loki’s other half had woken up in the morning with memories of some really great sex. —The Limits Cannot Hold by Like a Hurricane I shook my head and watched happily, calmly, as he argued with his dog. The part that truly made me grin was that the dog appeared to be winning, and I was quite certain that by the end of it, Mouse would have convinced Harry that he desperately needed a new Ferrari. – He’s My Little Brother by mitsukai613 Wizards are fucking weird. I just want to get that out there. They are a group of weird, freaky dangerous people, every last one of them, and Harry Dresden could be their king. – He’s My Little Brother by mitsukai613 Let this go in the history books, folks, as the day Harry Dresden was finally struck over the head enough times with a Clue Bat that he boarded the Clue Bus. – He’s My Little Brother by mitsukai613 Shooting is not too good for my enemies. —Peter’s Evil Overlord List One of my advisers will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. —Peter’s Evil Overlord List I will dress in bright and cheery colours, and so throw my enemies into confusion. —Peter’s Evil Overlord List If my advisers ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them. —Peter’s Evil Overlord List "Screw tradition anyway. It's probably trying to prevent us disrupting the fabric of reality." – Button Up Your Overcoat by Skinner (psiten) Alphonse flipped his files shut and collected his pencils. "All of this happening at once is too sudden, inexplicable, and enormously destructive for my brother not to be in the middle of it." – Button Up Your Overcoat by Skinner (psiten) "It's probably bad to make a hobby out of violating the laws of existence, Sammy," –Extremist Means by dreamlittleyo Billy decided that if Dean Winchester wanted a freeze ray, then Dean Winchester would have a freeze ray. –Bringing The Walls Down by entangelednow Dean doesn't even get halfway through explaining before Bobby starts laughing. When he lets himself think about it for more than five seconds, Dean can almost see Bobby's point: he's faced down demons, witches, vampires, werewolves, ghosts, angels, and Satan himself and now he's been defeated by the God damn Midwest. – There’s Only One Sure Thing That I Know by leah k (blinkiesays) Sam shook his head. "I have freaking Angels for a brother and a friend," he told the Impala, starting her engine. "Jerry Springer would be jizzing in his pants right now."—Ache by Higher Magic Castiel tilts his head up to shoot Dean an unimpressed side-eye that could knock him to his knees if it were coming from someone taller than four feet. “Of course, Dean. It has always been my goal in life to settle down with a hunter who would offer me an act of violence as a testament to his intentions.” –Convenient Husbands by Annie D (scaramouche) It is a myth that engineers are solitary creatures because it takes an entire village to raise a supersonic jet –synchromesh by foolish mortal Q’s mouth, on autopilot, said: “I shouldn’t have hoped for an answer befitting someone older than four. I am not getting into this with you. You will drag me down to your level and beat me with experience.” –Gift Giving by BC_Brynn “I have put the quartermaster on administrative leave after he had not gone off the clock for more than two days straight again, and now I have a revolt on my hands.” The corners of James’ mouth twitched upwards. “The Q branch are collectively boycotting half of their paperwork and claim that in the absence of their boss they will only negotiate with you.” –Gift Giving by BC_Brynn “I don’t feel the love anymore.” Bruce said. “Sure, we have lunch, but you spend all your time with Loki, doing things like keeping the Earth from being destroyed. You never keep the Earth from being destroyed with me anymore.” –Calculated Insanites by Moltz “Tony Stark.” Bruce said, pulling a ring box out of his pocket. “Will you continue bribing me with food and top of the range equipment?” He opened the ring box. There was a microSD chip inside. –Calculated Insanites by Moltz Of course, Alfred could probably take Bane with one superior eyebrow tied behind his back, so at least there’s that. –Blakes Corollary by pagination Barsad treats the kids like he treats John -- with an incredulous loathing that suggests only in America would humanity have fallen so far as to squirt out such sorry specimens -- and the kids, being perverse little fucks, adore him. They cling to him like limpets when he works on exposed wiring. He teaches them how to make shivs out of toothbrushes. They draw pictures of him shooting innocent bystanders. –Blakes Corollary by pagination “Just let him play,” Bobby says wearily, and then realises that he's mediating tantrums between two grown men and a deity. –Pretty Big Fish by idek_idic “Please tell me that while I’ve been sleeping they’ve outlined their entire evil plan and it involves the ultimate destination of Disneyland, wherein they intend to torture us with screaming five-year-olds. Because this does not look good when left to the imagination,–Control by notenuffcaffeine “Are you two seriously discussing your hatred of Valentine’s Day when a man with a gun is walking around the store?” –Valentine’s Day candy in Aisle Four by linksofmemories “You’re a selfish bastard, you know that? But you’re my selfish bastard and I got to keep you from making the Earth explode and shit.”, Dean said softly as he kicked at the golden fluff irritably. He flopped back on his wings which were surprising comfortable and watched as strange comets passed overhead. “I love you too, Dean.” –Trust In Your Unfailing Love by DarkmoonSigel Sanzo, for all his silence and plain, unadorned words, doesn't strike Dick as being entirely…domesticated. Or maybe 'civilized' is more the word he's looking for. Maybe just 'civil.' –Paper Airplanes by blackkat He's not scary-crazy the way Luthor or the Joker are, or even vaguely insane like most of the other villains. Sanzo's quiet and a bit moody, smokes like a particularly cantankerous chimney, and gives Dick the impression that in this case, still waters really do run deep. –Paper Airplanes by blackkat Q-Branch are working on a "shipping" algorithm. If they try and set you up with someone, just go with it. They have 14 successful relationships and 3 budding marriages so far. – Memos from Q Branch by AviaCarter Irrevocably yours after 7 days from date of purchase, The Golden Trio (aka Q, Bond and Eve). – Memos from Q Branch by AviaCarter "Don't mess with me, pissants. I've gone through Fielding hazing. I actually touched the floor in that diner bathroom." –God Save the Esteem by Charles RocketBoy "We ain't in Fielding now, prick," growled Dave. "You're with the underclass now." "Well, there's a reason we step on you from above." –God Save the Esteem by Charles RocketBoy Daria even spotted Upchuck looking unnerved, and Upchuck had come to school with two pimp canes that day. –God Save the Esteem by Charles RocketBoy “As long as you remain on your best behaviour and avoid accidentally seducing any of the lovely Asgardian women. Or men. Or livestock, come to that.” – From each according to their abilities, to each according to their need by elarielf “You two are my oldest, most trusted friends, and I owe you both more than I can ever repay.” Both Angrboda and Thrym looked pleased, so Loki continued, making sure there were no misunderstandings. “And if you betray me, or each other, I will keep you alive for centuries as I torture you until you can think of nothing but despair and regret over your betrayal. And then I will kill you. Is that understood?” – From each according to their abilities, to each according to their need by elarielf Spike just gave a mixture of a glower and a smirk, “No chance, mate. I may be a vamp, but as an Englishman I’d never be cruel enough to unleash Hershay’s on a fellow Englishman.” –Hershay’s, Help! by XRachX "Because of everything ABBA could have perpetrated on the world while I was napping in '76?" Spike was trying for earnest, but his mouth wasn't made for it. –Paving Stones 3: Recruting by Mad Poetess (mpoetess) Oddly, Spike's face *was* made for the innocent look he was trying now, and it rather frightened Giles. –Paving Stones 3: Recruting by Mad Poetess (mpoetess) "What can I say. You inspire evil thoughts. Granted, seeing as I'm evil, everything inspires evil thoughts. You, the blanket, pillow. All evil." –Paving Stones 3: Recruting by Mad Poetess (mpoetess) That which does not kill me makes me stronger. That which does kill me I'll deal with when I respawn, Alec– Memos from Q Branch by AviaCarter Anyone who even mentions Christmas before December will have their tea privileges revoked and will no longer be allowed to participate in the Q-Branch monthly gaming tournament. Anyone playing Christmas songs shall be made to wear the hat of shame and stand in the corner of shame for as long as we deem fit. And if anyone dares to "decorate" their work station I will tell 006 that you are "single, desperate and available" regardless of the truth of that statement. – Memos from Q Branch by AviaCarter "No," Jack says, scowling down at the three forms that it is apparently necessary to fill out in triplicate when an escaped cannibalistic serial killer murders a rival homicidal maniac on the hood of your agency-issued vehicle in what appears to be some kind of turf war over your pet empath. –come around again (only want to say goodbye) by hito "This room is full of Furbies," Beverly says in a crazed voice. "I can't tell if they're a courting gift or an advancing army or a formal curse or what. Send help." –come around again (only want to say goodbye) by hito “You really don’t like letting other people cook for you, do you? I invite you to dinner and instead get delivery.” —Alcohol is Never the Anwser by Azure_K_Mello As he turned he saw Jack, Beverly, Price and Zeller there. “I’m not good at social cues,” he says, “But that was mean, right? He can’t miss that that was mean, right?” Beverly laughed and said, “Will, that was brutally cruel.” —Alcohol is Never the Anwser by Azure_K_Mello “I think I’ve been converted to brining,” he said taking another bite. “I’ve never cooked a turkey but if I did I would brine it.” –Will Graham, Unexpected Company and the Very Nice Day by Azure_K_Mello “No, you’re Alana Bloom. You don’t count as other people. If I had dinner parties you would be in my kitchen not in the dining room.” –Will Graham, Unexpected Company and the Very Nice Day by Azure_K_Mello “I was right!” was a very frustrating argument to try and overrule. –Uprooted by Orrunan A huge grin split Naruto’s face. He had a plan in mind. A plot to Make Sai Loosen Up and his decidedly not-evil, righteous plan was proceeding well. –Uprooted by Orrunan She was also a girl with a cousin who regarded Naruto very highly and was prone to going to ridiculous lengths once he decided on something and Naruto was the one person who had talked him out of the resolve, ever. Double oops. But that’s what evil megalomaniacs get for being evil megalomaniacs. –Uprooted by Orrunan There was a good explanation for this, really. –Uprooted by Orrunan “Of course I am. Listen to Naruto-sensei and keep working on those socks for me.” –Uprooted by Orrunan “I’m always a fathoms-deep well of strangeness. Don’t tell me I’m ever getting less strange. I have a reputation to maintain.” –The Limits Cannot Hold by Like_A_Hurricane “We don’t do embarrassment, because that would require having shame. I’m Tony Stark, and ‘shame’ is something that only happens to other people.” –Catch and Release by Like_A_Hurricane Please tell me you know why Q is walking round in a cape. I'd like to assume it's a Halloween costume but you just can't assume with Q-Branch – Memos from Q Branch by AviaCarter Where there's a will, we want to be in it – Memos from Q Branch by AviaCarter “My moose,” Crowley says, “going to make an honest woman of the squirrel.” Sam sees how the Marshall used to keep track of the hunters. He’s just as crazy as any of them.—Lemon trees on mercury by beckett77 You don’t kill a Winchester, it just pisses them off. Just ask Walt and Roy, not that you’ll find them.—Grey by Valyria "Aw," Beverly says. "I am sincerely and deeply disturbed by everything that is happening right now." She takes a picture anyway. –come around again (only want to say goodbye) by hito "I can't say no to him!" Chilton says crazily. "He will eat my face right off my skull!" "You only say that because you know he's done it before!" –come around again (only want to say goodbye) by hito "I'm not taking those Furbies!" Beverly says on the front steps, poking at Will's chest and giggling. "You have a flamethrower!" Will objects, and Jack blinks, because what. "You're safest with them!" "No!" Beverly cries. "They will rise from the ashes and peck at my bedroom window to be let back in! Not happening!" –come around again (only want to say goodbye) by hito “What does ‘free love’ mean and why does Kurosaki think it will end the war?—From Please Stop Eating The Hell Butterflies by Mistress Nika “Do you not think it would be prudent to wait until your brother was more alert, and not contemplating the legal ramifications of marrying a piece of furniture in the state of Colorado?”—Are You There Dean Winchester? It’s Me... God by bunnymaccool Dean Winchester this has been your life and its fucking over now. Please be the badass mother fucker that we all know you are and save the planet? Why yes, ma’am, I do believe I will. Please make sure my memorial statue has an extra large fig leaf and the words ‘suck it, bitches’ carved into my bare ass. Thanks. —Are You There Dean Winchester? It’s Me... God by bunnymacool “I’m serious, Cas. I love this bed. I wish to marry this bed. I will have this beds little downy babies.” –Dean Winchester’s Home for Wayward Angels by bunnymaccool “Well, you look like him, so you ate Grandma. Nothing I can do about that for you, pal.” –Plausible Deniability bu lord_hades “Just so you know,” he said to Fury, in case the master spy had any misapprehensions about the magnitude of their newest target’s powers and abilities, “this isn’t the Serpent Society or the Wrecking Crew. This Gatekeeper takes it to a whole new level, drops his daks and pisses on everyone below.” –Plausible Deniability bu lord_hades Bucky squared his shoulders and narrowed his eyes into his best imitation of a serial killer who enjoyed disembowelling little girls and puppies on every second Sunday. –Plausible Deniability bu lord_hades The MI6 email server is not run by black magic. There are legitimate technical reasons why it requires the sacrifice of a live chicken – Memos from Q Branch by AviaCarter Nothing screams poor workmanship more than wrinkles in the duct tape, Eve – Memos from Q Branch by AviaCarter “You misunderstand. As far as he’s concerned, I think, it’s more that if anyone is going to kill Thor, the only one with any right to even threaten as much, is gonna be Loki, you know? It’s that kind of... sibling thing? Is that a sibling thing?” –Catch and Release by Like_A_Hurricane Kirk heard Sulu mutter “Only Spock could turn into a woman and make it look boring.” –Reverse the Polarities by the_deep_magic As soon as he regains some presence of mind he is going to tell Scotty to forget about changing Spock back and get to work on turning Jim female, stat. –Reverse the Polarities by the_deep_magic "I'm your nemesis, you're not supposed to be having sex dreams about me, what would your psychiatrist say?" –Détente by entanglednow Spock, reprising his role as one who likes victory best when all the enemies are in their component parts, would rather skip to the component parts. –The Toybox, an essay on timeline changes in the star trek reboot by seperis It's like they were looking all their lives for the one person they can't break, and lookie here, there you go. Jim Kirk, who doesn't know how to lose, and Spock, who burns down the village and salts the earth when he goes to war. –The Toybox, an essay on timeline changes in the star trek reboot by seperis that incident of I'm-a-tiny-but-enraged-baby-sehlat-and-I-will-claw-out-your-eyes incident from Spock's disturbingly adorable-yet-traumatic childhood –Why Kirk and Spock are Emotionaly Compatibal: An Essay on Tetrachromacy by Saucery He will either completely own the situation with his flawless logic, rising like a dark and glittering and ever-so-phallic obelisk to cast its shadow over us all - or he will impressively lose his shit, becoming a sort of thermonucleic ground-zero incarnate, and you had better get the fuck out of his immediate radius or you will be purged. –Why Kirk and Spock are Emotionaly Compatibal: An Essay on Tetrachromacy by Saucery End result: Learn how to say 'Live long and prosper' while really meaning 'Die slowly and tortuously”. –Why Kirk and Spock are Emotionaly Compatibal: An Essay on Tetrachromacy by Saucery Spock had run the bastard responsible down and beat him within an inch of his life. The bastard being a three hundred year old superhuman who could jump thirty feet and whose blood can reverse the effects of severe radioactive poisoning. –not once but always by estelares Besides, Sulu knows that Spock is secretly in their corner. Spock gets rather eerily calm when the people he likes are threatened, and then something ends up shot to hell and burning in the distance while the Enterprise sails dramatically forth along the final frontier. –A Cross-Species Idiot’s Guide to: Romantic Feelings by Gear_King BEHOLD MY FEELINGS, BITCHES. –A Cross-Species Idiot’s Guide to: Romantic Feelings by Gear_King Q: What if I have a crush on them AND they return my feelings... but I still don’t want to try to deepen this relationship because this person kind of annoys the crap out of me? A: Just remember: Fate bitch slaps those who attempt to defy her. --A Cross-Species Idiot’s Guide to: Romantic Feelings by Gear_King "Vulcany. That 'my superiority is so great that I cannot bother myself to show you how very wrong you are, unworthy human creature'." Spock suspects the toneless inflection is supposed to be mimicry of himself. "Yes! That one. Look in a mirror. That's the one that makes everyone try to find new and unexciting places to be that aren't near you." Jim frowns. "I mean, I like it, but you know, people." He waves a hand toward the door, apparently indicating either Starfleet or perhaps, the quadrant; there is no way to be certain. "And I'm great with you terrorizing my crew. It's funny." –You’ll Get There in the End (It Just Takes a While) by seperis "I need someone with experience in the 'great and perilous adventure that is space'," Spock watches Kirk's finger quotes and wonders who was unfortunate enough to try to talk seriously to him, "and you need someone who will actually argue with you without hiding under the desk and hyperventilating." –You’ll Get There in the End (It Just Takes a While) by seperis “How is it that you’re not embarrassed by this at all?” “Cause I’m shameless. How’d you go all these years and not figure that out?” –Defying Murphy’s Law by metisket “I thought you didn’t believe in gods, Fullmetal.” “I don’t, that’s the thing. I think they can tell, and it pisses them off.” “…Fullmetal.” “Don’t bother me with whether that made sense. I’m trying to figure out an array, here.” –Defying Murphy’s Law by metisket Instead, fire, mud, prostitution, cows. And Edward, laughing so hard that his face had turned purple. That would have been fine, of course, if he’d been laughing at anything other than Roy’s misfortune. Then again, Roy’s misfortune was one of Ed’s favourite things, so maybe this evening had been perfect for him after all. –Defying Murphy’s Law by metisket “Well, I don’t think Breda would have set the kitchen on fire. That was dangerous. And the hookers had been there for a while, though I guess Breda could have set up the bust. The car, maybe. Not the mud, though.” –Defying Murphy’s Law by metisket “I suggest you find a place for them to go before you kick them out. Well, and anyway, that place isn’t unsafe anymore. There was just rot in the supporting beams. I made new ones.” “And you didn’t think to mention that? Before, say, creating a moat?” –Dining In by metisket “No, Havoc, sometimes we talk about the finer points of fellatio,” I say because I’m embarrassed, and when I’m embarrassed, I like to make other people more embarrassed. “What the hell did you think we talked about? What have we ever talked about?” –Dining In by metisket “They’ve gone strange,” I tell Roy. “I think you’ll find it’s your fault, Fullmetal,” he says. But he’s smiling. –Dining In by metisket “Hey, I warned you. A deal’s a deal. No letter opener until Amestris is a democracy. If you got a new one, I’m stealing that too. I thought about taking more money, but I figured the letter opener would be more annoying.” –Dining In by metisket "Spock. Just say 'I don't trust Starfleet not to mess up the only captain in the fleet who I can train up to my expectations and enjoys running into danger wearing a blindfold as much as I do'." –You’ll Get There in the End (It Just Takes a While) by seperis Genius she might be, but he’d appreciate it if she could learn to say things in a non-horrifying way. –Experimental Engineering by metisket The chief was kind of a production, because Ed seemed convinced that people were lurking in the shadows waiting to take him out. So he couldn’t just sit on the porch. He had to sit on the porch in disguise. These disguises almost always involved straw hats, and the porch crowd agreed that that was because Ed found straw hats hilarious. –Experimental Engineering by metisket “Being a gigolo takes a lot more work than just standing around being unmarried,” Ed, who could be pedantic at the weirdest times, insisted. –Experimental Engineering by metisket “They have three kids, Ed.” Winry’s patience with this conversation was clearly at an end. “Just shut up and accept it. You’re going to be my gigolo of honour.” –Experimental Engineering by metisket “Too late for revolution, huh?” “We could always have another. Or we could join forces with Ling and rule the whole of the desert.” “Al, there’s nothing in the desert. Except dirt.” “But it would be our dirt.” “So I’ve decided it was a pretty good date.” –Cradle Robbing by metisket He should have known that Ed would turn his predictions upside-down and shake them to see if they had anything interesting in their pockets. –Diplomatic Excursions and Other Ways to Die by Tierfal “You’re hurting my feelings,” Roy said. “My very valid, tender feelings.” “Smirking a lot always seems to make you feel better.” –Diplomatic Excursions and Other Ways to Die by Tierfal “I will push you to your death,” Ed said, “and say it was an accident.” “Captain Hawkeye would see you court-martialed.” “Nah, she’d just take your job. And procrastinate on it less.” –Diplomatic Excursions and Other Ways to Die by Tierfal “My restless spirit will return and sit at the end of your bed and wake you once per hour by moving the blankets off of your feet. And that will be your due every night for the remainder of your life.” –Diplomatic Excursions and Other Ways to Die by Tierfal He will hold them rapt. He will sock it to them. He will be a shoe-in for Führer. They will give an inch, and he will take several feet to replace these uselessly damaged ones he has. –Diplomatic Excursions and Other Ways to Die by Tierfal “Then think of it something to remember me by,” Ling says. He takes Alphonse’s hand next and shakes it firmly. “Please visit. Please don’t poison me.” “Oh,” Alphonse says airily, “it wouldn’t be poison. That would be too pleasant. Thank you very much for your hospitality, Your Highness.” –Diplomatic Excursions and Other Ways to Die by Tierfal Despite the fact that such distinctions are usually the pulsing lifeblood of his career, Roy can’t tell if he should count Alphonse as a powerful friend or an absolutely terrifying enemy. –Diplomatic Excursions and Other Ways to Die by Tierfal I don’t need a subconscious, Daniel though dazedly, fighting not to throw up as the Jaffa luged his around yet another corner, two scowling escorts with charged staff weapons right behind. I need a Jack. One armed, snarky, thoroughly ticked off Black Ops Colonel. Was that too much to ask of the universe. –Upon A Fiery Steed by Vathara Stripped down, disarmed, outnumbered ten to one –and the kids about to make a jaffa keel over in sheer frustration. He couldn’t help it. He snickered.–Upon A Fiery Steed by Vathara “So, does your queen engineer plagues often?” –Upon A Fiery Steed by Vathara “The two of you are a well-matched set of lunatics. I’m off to the morgue, where the men are quiet, and a woman can hear herself think.” –If I Speed Away by Lindenharp "How'd a sensible northern bloke like you wind up with a posh sergeant who speaks Greek?" "Jumble sale," –If I Speed Away by Lindenharp “Don’t look at me. I'm a giant shape-shifting lizard and he’s creeping the living bejesus out of me.” –Two is always not better than one by LPlover93 "I'm completely irresistible and in a polyamorous relationship with the three hottest people in school who aren't Hales," Stiles says, and none of them even hit him for it. "Right," his dad says, "Well, practice safe sex," and shuts the door. –hope is the thing with feathers by ShanaStoryteller All three of them are staring at him, and he meets them with a confused stare of his own until he's once again on the bottom of a pile of humans and Lydia's demanding in his ear, "Teach me how to set things on fire." "Oh my God, no," he laughs, even as he's thinking of the right combination of Latin. –hope is the thing with feathers by ShanaStoryteller Scott, Jackson, and Isaac have been laughing at him since they heard, and at this they actually begin to howl, and he hates them, he hates them all, he's taking his witches and he's going to live a nice quite life in cave far away from this bullshit. –a man may make a remark by ShanaStoryteller "Shut up," he wraps his arms around Stiles's waist, "We're riding into town shirtless on the back of silvery unicorn named Charlie while drunk off our asses from fae magic." "We've made all the correct life choices," Stiles says happily before urging Charlie forward. “--a spider sewed at night by ShanaStoryteller "Rude!" Stiles calls out, but giggles after. "Dude, you think we can go through Starbucks drive through on a unicorn?" Scott rests his chin on Stiles's shoulder, "One way to find out." --a spider sewed at night by ShanaStoryteller ‘Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to exit the doughnut.’ –Half Step Behind by Aconitine Your best friend is an alien, I lead a team of kids with superpowers and we just fought a man made of clay. If someone tells me a giant bunny is bringing me chocolate every year why would I not believe that? –13 Texts fromlast Night (From Famous Superheroes) on "Drink more. We're off tomorrow, so you can sleep in the guest room and be miserable with me all day."—First Prime by Lady Ra "I may need new servants after this." "I could make you some," he offered, half meaning it, "How would an enchanted teapot suit you?" –The Essence of Life by Bad_Faery “How about one for slavering? All the really good horrible beasts slaver dreadfully.” She manages to sound terribly excited about this. “Our hellhound would slaver with the best of them, my dear.” –Knit Bone, Tempered Metal by impulsereader “If I find a magical cheese, I shall leave it in your bed to rot, and probably talk at you all night. Now, do I have to come to you every time I run out of milk?” –Comforts of the Household Gods by intrikate88 A chewed up dead bird appears on Belle’s lap and Leopard’s proud purring echoes around the hall. Rumpelstiltskin chortles, and reaches out a hand to feel for the invisible feline.“I get all the best presents,” Belle declares, and she could swear the house is laughing, deep within its stones and mortar. –Comforts of the Household Gods by intrikate88 “You’re an underhanded little bastard even when you’re almost being nice. Why am I not even a little bit surprised?” “Because you’ve met me.” –Catch and Release by Like_A_Hurricane The cat considered him for a moment, staring with those yellow eyes, before reaching over and batting at the knife Mr. Gold was using to chop up the green onions. Mr. Gold sighed and shook his head mournfully."Belle should be informed of your suicidal tendencies. Maybe you need to be put on anti-depressants." –Mr. And Mrs. Gold by ShakespeareanHoneyBadgers "Oh hush. If anyone's a carrier for rabies it's you." "…fair enough." –Mr. And Mrs. Gold by ShakespeareanHoneyBadgers "Fandom suffers a devastating shortage of grownup pants," Ben said, and then looked mortified as the waiter behind him asked, "Are you ready to order?" –5U175 by Closer And that this is your version of having a conversation with a giant pizza, and while I'm flattered to be your giant pizza, there are ramifications here, major life-altering and workplace-altering ramifications, and, and, this is not the kind of huge life-decision you make when you think your associate is a giant pizza, okay? –Disaster Stories by agatestones One time, Loki and Thor were crammed together in the belly of a huge, bear-sized, stuffed wolf, and talked about their dicks. This is exactly as disturbing as it sounds. –The Glorious Conclusion of the Marvelous Story of the Time-Traveling Wolf Cadaver by Monstrous Regiment “Congratulations on your life choices, but doesn’t your cock, who is apparently a separate entity from the rest of you, and let me tell you, you need therapy, believe in monogamy?”–The Glorious Conclusion of the Marvelous Story of the Time-Traveling Wolf Cadaver by Monstrous Regiment People assume male sexuality is a strict progression of dangling-bit to insert-slot, but actually, from a non-linear, non-objective viewpoint, it’s more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly sexy timey wimey… stuff. –The Glorious Conclusion of the Marvelous Story of the Time-Traveling Wolf Cadaver by Monstrous Regiment With a click, the coffee maker turns on, and a woman's sultry voice purrs, "Supreme Dark Overlord Ianto, how may I serve you today?" There's a long, incredulous pause, and Suzie grins wickedly into her pillow. –Get Back From The Storm by blackkat Neither Ianto nor Suzie has ever really had a functional relationship. They're certainly not about to start now. –Eyes On the Sky by blackkat "Oh, come on," Jack groans, sinking back in his seat in disbelief, but there's no change. Someone's gone and scrawled, "Can't sleep, paperwork will eat me" across his face in black marker and big, bold words. –Eyes On the Sky by blackkat "You couldn't have called me?" she demands. "Before we had to spend an entire day dragging around Splott?" "I believe real estate agents pronounce it Splo," Ianto answers, blandly pleasant, which isn't an answer at all. –Eyes On the Sky by blackkat And Roy thought, I will write you sardonic letters; I will demand that you come out for drinks when ‘the team’ misses your vitality; I will stop myself just before I start standing under your bedroom window to watch you comb out your hair and was terrified by his conviction. –Diplomatic Excursions and Other Ways to Die by Tierfal My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me? Not so sure about me either. Still not King, goddammit. –The Very Secret Diary of Aragon by Cassandra Claire Vulcans do not dump their incapacitated superior officers on the ground. Vulcans do not dump their incapacitated superior officers on the ground…–A Cross-Species Idiot’s Guide to: Romantic Feelings by Gear_King The rest of the bridge crew resigns themselves to feeling like a collective third wheel to Captain James Kirk and Commander Spock’s ongoing romance through the universe. –A Cross-Species Idiot’s Guide to: Romantic Feelings by Gear_King Frodo gave him an odd look. "Grownups are mad." "And I completely agree with you on that, darling." Bilbo glared at the corner, disgruntled by the nerve-wracking twists and turns his day had taken so far. "The big folks and grownups of the world are all quite mad."—An Unexpected Addition by karategal “Ended up on the sharp ends of my knitting needles, they did." —An Unexpected Addition by karategal "No smacking your brother, Fíli," scolded the hobbit. He just smirked when the younger stuck his tongue out. "His brain's damaged enough as it is." —An Unexpected Addition by karategal “Dear child, if only I could share your enthusiasm,” he says. “But unfortunately, I fail to see how your sister being betrothed to a man foolish enough to give her a potential weapon for mass destruction could be cause enough for celebration.” –To Wake a Sleeping Dragon by startbursts_and_wishes "No, Teal'c, I was abducted during the night by the flora and fauna of this planet, whereupon they demanded to know all the Stargate addresses and Sam's phone number. However, when I told them that you'd come after them with a machete – I had to define a machete," he made several slashing motions with his hand, "they quivered in fear and I was able to make my escape. So here I am, finishing off my watch, and the only question is: am I really Daniel Jackson, or a plant that has the ability to morph into any object?" –Sleeping Bag Etiquette by alyjude_sideburns As it tore loose the stone they were wedged beneath and threw them both sideways, Thor had time to remember, with a fierce and terrified joy, that Loki always had been the crazier of the two of them. –Look to the Future by cest_what “Dean saved your life.” John said, and Dean flushed. “Then I saved Dean’s and we all left.” “And now it is time for waffles.” –Left Turn of Fate by Eideann “Cats,” Bruce repeated, his head lolling forward. “Brain. Bag of.” Loki took hold of the mortal’s upper arms when Steve slid free of him, and held him upright firmly. “Dr. Banner, if you’ve never been teleported before, this will most likely make you a bit dizzy, especially in your current state. Are you prepared?” Bruce blinked a few times. “Dizzy cats?” “No, I’m quite used to it.” –Who We Are And Why We Are Here by Like_a_Hurricane Although Will and Dr. Chilton are kind of weirdly framing this in terms of having an exclusive relationship I think? Dr. Chilton is jealous to an uncomfortable degree of Dr. Lecter’s place in Will’s mind. I think he wants Will to be his nemesis or something?—Cannibal Rumpus Asshole Factory by Miss_Spider “Please ask Cannibal Rumpus Dickhole Fuckfest to at least send me a care package. The guy from Pushing Daisies is trying to psychologize me and that makes me seriously question my life choices.” —Cannibal Rumpus Asshole Factory by Miss_Spider whineZellar: I take exception to that. We are food gigilos, and Katz is our iron-handed pimp. thePriceisright: She’ll cut you. goreMet: Any man who would reject the devotion and pleading of opportunistic food gigilos is a poor kind of philosopher. I will see what I have in my pantry. —Cannibal Rumpus Asshole Factory by Miss_Spider whineZellar: Well, that’ll do for an update. I feel reassured of the existence of the incredibly awkward sexual tension and am affirmed that it’s not me being a pervert but them being weird at each other. BloominOnion: Truly, that is the greatest gift and balm to the spirit. —Cannibal Rumpus Asshole Factory by Miss_Spider “Officially, Kumo abducted one Uzumaki Kushina who was later rescued by one Namikaze Minato who followed a trail of her hair that she had left behind. Unofficially, Kushina got tired of waiting to be rescued, and the followers of Jashin ended up elevating her to sainthood after the ‘Incident’ which followed despite her not being a member of their religion. Rumor has it that she forced the Yondaime Raikage to eat his own spleen just before Minato-Sensei arrived and rescued him. When asked “Why the spleen?” she is rumoured to have stated that she’d failed anatomy and grabbed the first thing she found, hoping it was the liver.” –No Way In Hell by Lucillia Stiles isn't entirely sure what he and Isaac have qualifies as wholesome friendship. It's like they had a mutual realization that if Scott left them alone together they'd, like, get burgers and rob a bank and quite possibly kill a man together. It's a little weird, but Stiles can get that morally grey thought process. He's sure the main reason that they don't join forces and use their combined powers and prowesses for some kind of dodgy activity is that Scott would be disappointed in them. So they have weird banter instead. –And, And, And by captainkoirk Mako leaves him hunching in on herself in the corridor. When she can no longer hear his cackling she allows herself to roll her eyes. —Respite by theteratophile (jelenedara) Newt and Hermann are bickering again. Even their moment of triumph must pale compared to the issue of who stole whose chalk. —Respite by theteratophile (jelenedara) “Well if you’re going to be like that, you can upgrade your own chest launcher! Give me my spawn.” She reaches out and waggles her fingers imperiously. Chuck obligingly returns the baby. —Respite by theteratophile (jelenedara) “Yeah dude,” Newt says. “if you wake her, she’ll cry, and then we’ll cry, and then Vanessa will lactate, it’ll be a nightmare.” —Respite by theteratophile (jelenedara) The award for best distracting use of a monkey went to Sanzo. Those two could be a well-oiled team sometimes. Ow. Sometimes having a dirty mind could really suck. –None So Blind by Viridan5 "It was bound to happen eventually," Catlyn sighed. "Have her bring him round the manor for dinner on Sunday night. If he's anything like Sansa's last we can always bury him in the back garden." Robb relayed the information. "At least Sansa's broken up with that – " "Prick," Arya said. She was drinking milk straight out of the carton. Again. "Died, didn't he?" Catlyn asked, distracted. "Killed him," said Arya into her milk. –Next Time ‘Round by RosaLui Jon Snow had been at university for two weeks when he met Ygritte. It took exactly three minutes to realize that she was terrifying, as were most people raised to eat raw bear meat and wrestle moose in the Siberian wilderness. –Next Time ‘Round by RosaLui They're honourable and noble and use the recycling bin properly –Next Time ‘Round by RosaLui "Shae is my friend," Sansa snapped. "Shae has an advanced degree in thermodynamics." –Next Time ‘Round by RosaLui From:Robb Stark- If you lay a finger on our sister we will kill you with a stick and bury you under the daylily patch. WITH THE OTHERS From:Anonymous- A boy has been given a warning. A boy will heed it or be separated from his manhood. –Next Time ‘Round by RosaLui "It's dangerous there," said Bran. "Osha told me she was involved in a mugging once." "Did she get away safely?" "Yeah, he didn't even see her coming until she had shanked him and stolen his wallet,"–Next Time ‘Round by RosaLui Stiles just fixes Isaac with a B-Grade glower, and Isaac smirks, because that's what they do. —And, And, And by captainkoirk whineZeller: Possibly the worst case of flowlessness I've ever seen. Shit was well and truly diverted and was happily trickling through miles of as-yet unexplored woodland, all fucking up the delicate ecosystems therein and probably, I don't know, causing global warming. whineZeller: Your flowlessness caused global warming, Katz. Flow should not be messed with. —Cannibal Rumpus Asshole Factory by Miss_Spider Hey, Dr. Octavius, let’s have lunch some time. Vhy are ze crazy ones so often being German? It doesn’t say good things about Newt’s odds. –Designations Congruent with Things by cleanwhiteroom Stiles is like a pie sitting on a windowsill in a cartoon, okay, and Peter is the mangy wolf who comes along like WHO THE FUCK LEFT THIS PIE OUT IS NO ONE WATCHING THIS DELICIOUS PIE? and steals it for himself. –Post by 1001cranes during a Stiles/Peter ship manifesto and of course now the Stiles in my head -lord that sounds crazy- is like 'I'm a pie? A PIE? I mean, what kind of pie? Like, a good kind of pie? Apple pie? With vanilla ice cream, apple pie? Or one of those mixed berry atrocities that are a blight to all things pie and must be buried in whipped cream to be edible? Or like key lime pie, which is not, in fact, pie, but merely masquerading as pie to fit into the idiom and avoid being grouped with flan and other such jellied monstrosities..." Cue Peter being charmed, Derek being confused, and Scott just accepting the weirdness that is his life. –Post by 1001cranes during a Stiles/Peter ship manifesto Half a bottle down and Lex is wondering if he still needs the flute. Or, rather, he knows the flute is absolutely useless, but does he still want it? He is, after all, practicing the fine art of getting absolutely fitshaced all by his lonesome. There's no one to impress with his expertly chosen crystal. –Champagne Wishes by Teland Not believe in it, mind, but he can be magnanimous. If any Jehovah's Witnesses came along, he wouldn't release the hounds. He wonders if he has hounds. –Champagne Wishes by Teland Clark snorts and takes another swallow before unsubtly placing the bottle on the end table behind him. "Gee, Lex, what vintage does go best with meatloaf and mashed potatoes?" Lex taps his finger on his lip and pretends to think about it. "Ketchup or no ketchup?" "It's not a meatloaf without ketchup, Lex." "Well, of course not. But, you know, I didn't want to offend you. Just in case you were one of those ketchup-free barbarians you hear so much about." –Champagne Wishes by Teland "John was stoned, Lex. I remember reading Revelations. Or trying to. You just kinda kept expecting a verse like 'and yea, verily, was this prophet mightily squiffed.'" –Dunno where I found this one Amanda leaps up, holding the plastic fish like a tomahawk. "This FISH can pitch better than you, Osbourne!" They're actually close enough to the field that Clark can see the pitcher's confused expression. –Interstitial by Punk He sulked. He wanted to stab Ron Weasley with a fork. Why couldn’t he stab Ron Weasley with a folk? It would be so satisfying. –The Magic of Torchwood by Bella the Strange “Can’t you just kill me and leave me to bleed out in a corner somewhere?” the trickster pleaded. “I’m fine with this. I’ll be very still.” “No,” both of his children declared at once. “Damn everything,” Loki groaned, letting them drag him out of the hall.—Catch and Release by Like_A_Hurricane Clark rolled his eyes. "Don't tell me you're only just now getting on the clue bus, Lex!" Lex sputtered for just a brief moment before crossing his arms. "Luthors do not take public transport!" –iHero by Bernice (iibnf) "Come, young man, and feast on cakes and ale with me and mine!" Lex shouted into the phone. "Lex, are you drunk?" "As a small, black and white furry animal, that doesn't smell very nice and has stripes. But is not a zebra or a badger."--Drunk As A Small Black and White Furry Creature... by Shakespeare's Girl "Well I'm not really homosexual, right? I mean, I can't be," Clark explained. "Homo is a Latin adjective that means 'same'. I'm not even human, right? So any relationship I have would technically be heterosexual. I think the inter-species barrier would be more important than the gender barrier." Martha looked over to her husband. "He's got a point." –Clark Kent, Resident Alien, Superhero, Psychopath Lex knows everything. But that's to be expected - Lex probably knows people who shoot heroin into their eyeballs. –Clark Kent, Resident Alien, Superhero, Psychopath With a scowl, Daniel said, "No, that's an order from the Head of the Linguistics Department at Stargate Command." He had a thought. "Which, now that I'm System Lord and all, I'm bequeathing to you. Congratulations. One day here and you're already in charge of something. I suspect you'll go far in my regime," he added regally. "And no, you can't have this office." –First Prime by LadyRa Between Paul Davis, the Winchesters, an Angel of the Lord, and the Asgard, there wasn’t much opportunity for disaster. Whoever was stupid enough to try something was going to get the surprise of their life. They’d get fillerbusted, get the crap beat out of them, be bored to death with geek-speak, get smited, and then the Asgard would probably experiment on them. Jack almost hoped Ba’al chose right now to invade. –Guardians by LadyRa Wide-eyed and wordless Ed stared at the sight before him, and after three heartbeats of silence, turned to Mustang to worshipfully say: “Adopt me.” –Catalysis by The Twinnesses Presents “You are infatuated, young man –with my books.” –Catalysis by The Twinnesses Presents “If you don’t want to adopt me, I’ll marry you for it.” The man paused and looked down at the wonderment on Ed’s face. There was an almost constipated and severely baffled expression on Mustang’s face; Ed thought it hilarious. –Catalysis by The Twinnesses Presents “Do I seem like the type who reads and collects fairy tale books, Edward?” “Yes.” A pause. Mustang coughed. –Catalysis by The Twinnesses Presents “Edward.” Mustang warned again, “Your horns are showing.” “What?” Ed whirled around, nearly froathing at the mouth. “I’m proud of them showing! These over-confident third-rate buffoons should be glad they’re showing!” –Catalysis by The Twinnesses Presents “Pleasant?” Ed spat, following past the large pillars towards the correct platform. “What is pleasant about this? The wind seems to have discovered a new use for sharp and pointed projectiles; the trees are going bald and that’s never good; the sun seems to have been castrated –what is pleasant about all this?” –Catalysis by The Twinnesses Presents Maybe he shouldn’t have patted Arthur reassuringly, but Arthur shouldn’t have been gaping like a fish and looking like a kicked puppy. There really wasn’t much of his dignity left that he could salvage from that. Especially because Merlin nodded cheerfully to the knights as he left the room and walked calmly to the dungeons, picking up a couple of apples along the way.—With Sufficient Thrust, Pigs Fly just Fine by inktomi “Ah,” said Gwaine, nodding sagely. “I brought mead.” Merlin stuck his hand through the bars and wiggled, and the bottle flew into his palm. “I knew there was a reason you were my favourite,” he said happily, and conjured mugs from the wall. —With Sufficient Thrust, Pigs Fly just Fine by inktomi To Daenerys, Brienne was not deserving of her epithet; she merely wondered if Brienne’s forbears got around quite a lot. –Taking the Silver by Nurdles “How do you like the Queen’s new, um, gods, what shall we call it?” he asked, nodding toward the dragon skull. “Rufus.” Said Brienne. “Rufus?” Tyrion and Jaime both said at once. “I had a cat named Rufus, back on Tarth. He had that exact expression when bringing up a hairball.” “Rufus.” Tyrion and Jaime confirmed. –Taking the Silver by Nurdles Tyrion gazed at her for a long moment, resting his finger against his mouth as he considered her. Finally, as though coming to a decision, he said “You look like a demented raccoon.” –Taking the Silver by Nurdles "Besides, can't a guy have a security blanket without being eyebrowed judgingly, especially when we're in a legitimately high-stress situation?"—Hide Of A Life of War by Etharei “Oh, Morgana had a dream about Arthur being eaten by bears.” Merlin attempted to rearrange Arthur's various weapons in his arms. “I have that one all the time.”—The One Where Gwen and Morgana (and Merlin) Save Arthur From Being Eaten By Bears by Netgirl_y2k “I say we kill it and consume it’s flesh.” = NIGHTMARE STAG is hard to argue with –I’m Just a Painter/ And I’m Drawing A Blank (find this on AO3, it’s much funnier in person) “Or maybe I’m just thinking of stereotypes. How the fuck do I know what a yodeller looks like?”—Skyfall Lodge by BootsnBlossem and Kryptaria It probably meant that he was a traitor, criminal, or evil cult leader. Again, though, Bond decided that he’d happily join an evil cult if he could get an office down here.—Bewitched by BootsnBlossem and Kryptaria “Work,” Brienne replies, the mind your own beeswax plain in her tone. She thumbs a reply: BRONN wants to know?!? I’ll hunt you both down for food –Someone to Watch Over Me by Miss_M Mr. Prongs says Mr. Moony is a spoilsport –Overdue Protection by PadyandMoony “Now, to be part of the family you must promise to be crazy 90% of the time.” –Willingly Captured by Kat100666 There in full colour in resplendent green robes was Severus Snape laughing with Minerva McGonagall and the caption read “Yes Folks Hell Has Indeed Frozen Over.”—It All Started With A Visit To Gringotts by jadedragon36 “Bastard.” Ed spat, wrinkling his nose. “Besides, you only said I couldn’t terrorise the children; you didn’t say anything about terrorising the adults.”—Catalyst by Teh Twinesses Presents “You don’t say.” Ygraine’s tone was dry. “This is the first time I’ve heard my son voluntarily use the word ‘please.’ Clearly, Merlin is the most powerful person in the kingdom.”—Let Us Dare by kianspo “Sir, I’m afraid you’ve gone mad with power.” “Of course I have. You ever tried going mad without power? It’s boring, no-one listens to you.” –The Simpsons Movie The next morning when Will’s mother opens the door to find that her son has either grown a second head, created an android, or been joined by a late night visitor, she’s not really surprised.—Masked by pathera “Since when has he needed magic to blow things up?” His mother tilts her head, considering this, and shrugs. —Masked by pathera “You. Coward. You are the worst PA ever. I could have died and where were you?” “Um, hiding behind Gwen?” Arthur folds his arms and then nods reluctantly. “Solid plan.” —Masked by pathera Jon Snow looks even prettier when he blushes, and his sister places the flowers in his hair. Wildlings wonder if maybe they should steal the Jon Snows as a set.—Five Tournaments Arya Never Jousted In by mobelle Tommen hands the winter roses to Arya and looks almost hopeful she’ll at least smile at him. He should be happy enough a Stark acknowledges his existence long enough to take the flowers from his hand. —Five Tournaments Arya Never Jousted In by mobelle The girl was entirely too comfortable sitting around in her corset and petticoats.—The Next Duchess by Elizabeth Powell (available for kindle on Amazon if you want it, awful cover though) The Lady Elizabeth squeaked happily and dashed back to her barouche, dodging carriages and startled horses with a frankly unnerving skill as she went.—The Next Duchess by Elizabeth Powell “It you will look up 7 inches, Lord Woodstoke, you will find my face. I am told it is quite acceptable.”—The Next Duchess by Elizabeth Powell Eleanor proudly produced a blackjack from under her shirt.—The Next Duchess by Elizabeth Powell Tony doesn’t need to steal children. He could totally buy some of his own.—be nobody but yourself by Murphtastic Stiles rolls his eyes and Tony can’t help the surge of pride that he feels at the truly amazing display of eye rollage he’s just seen. “Dad, seriously. Tony Stark is not going to do anything to me. Except probably try to buy my love. That sound about right, Tony?”be nobody but yourself by Murphtastic Hale rolls his eyes and if Tony thought Stiles was a champion at eye rolling, he's got nothing on Hale. Hale is at the Olympic nobody but yourself by Murphtastic If Tony was a betting man, he might say that his nephew had Hale wrapped around his little finger, but neither one of them realized it nobody but yourself by Murphtastic “I used to dream about being her house husband who cooked and cleaned and took care of our beautiful freckled, redheaded children while she was out curing cancer and ruling small nations.” He shook his head with a dramatically forlorn look. “None of my future dreams will ever compare to that.”—Violence Before Breakfast by heartsdesire456 “Always count your steps RelubaValax, you never know when you’re going to need to escape in a box.”—Doctor Who: Dreamland “Sorry, this bed’s a democracy; the unanimous decision is you’re not invited.”—Not The Normal Bedtime Story by heartsdesire456 “Your flying boy scouts failed to foil my latest dastardly scheme, SHIELD! Soon the world will tremble before my octopus army, armed with death rays and mantles full of extremely cold water!” –A Bright and Bitter Flame by forthegreatergood “Disowned and kicked out of the house. And a divorce,” he added, grinning when Stiles started cracking up. “Also, dishonour on your family. Dishonour on your car-“ –Better Than Dead by heartsdesire456 "Because I am a strong, independent god who don't need no peasants?" –The New Management by plumadestada “Well, I feel alive,” Ianto said decisively. “Therefore I will continue to assume that I am. Would anyone like coffee?” –Torchwood Does Dallas by galaxysoup After awhile, Lex passed Clark the decanter, because it sounded like he might need it more than Lex did.—Crying Into Scoth by josephina_x "You came here to get drunk? -Er?" Lex said. "You have a lot of alcohol," Clark replied sagely, in the manner of the utterly-smashed. Lex thought about this for all of two seconds. "Yes, I do," —Crying Into Scoth by josephina_x “Alex has told me how long your recovery is likely to take, and Charles and Raven have both politely let me know that if you hurt yourself trying to do things too early, while I’m responsible for you, I’m going to die, and also wake up believing myself to be Beyonce or possibly a chicken.” –Spirit of Protection by Ook Lady Brienne was most anxious about the proceedings, and was seen to smack Ser Jaime soundly across the back of the head. This in turn prompted the surrounding lads to laugh, and Ser Jaime picked up his sword and began to attempt to fight Lady Brienne, who knocked his sword out of his hands in a matter of moments. –How to Train Your Queensguard by lilajanet In any case, Lady Arya was quite adept at avoiding Ser Sandor’s blows. This appeared to anger him, but not nearly as much as Ser Jaime’s shouts for Princess Arya to ‘SHOW THE BUGGER HOW THE BRAVOS DO IT.’ –How to Train Your Queensguard by lilajanet The smile Arya flashed him a second before she lifted the coffee mug to her lips was bright. “They do. But as far as they’re concerned, you’re an arts student named Wylla with green hair and a weird taste in 90’s indie music.” “Okay.” Aegon shrugged, looking unperturbed. “Pancakes?” –I Come With Knives (And a Little Agony) by starbursts_and_kisses Thus started what Duck had gleefully dubbed The Chocolate-Coated Cherry War of 2015. It was brutal, it was long, and there had been numerous casualties involved (namely Aegon’s pride and dignity and Arya’s favourite guitar). –I Come With Knives (And a Little Agony) by starbursts_and_kisses “Don’t worry. Jon is harmless,” Arya reassured him. “It’s my brother Rickon you have to worry about. If he ever calls you, do not, under any circumstances, leave the apartment for at least 72 hours. Just a fair warning.” –I Come With Knives (And a Little Agony) by starbursts_and_kisses Disclaimer of everything: I am on this sight, ergo, I own nothing. |
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