I have poor time management skills...
And sometimes, I forget I'm not 22 anymore
Marital Status: Single
Hobbies: Reading, writing fanfics (...), playing bass guitar, video games
Anyone that wants to contact me either use PM's, email (it's shown somewhere...i think), and various other internet type things. My Kongregate is KickToTheFace, XBox Live and PS3 accounts are SkittleKick.
Found out my Japanese Name :D 大谷 Ootani (big valley) 純一郎 Junichiro (pure first son) Here's the link, if you're interested.
Girls Saurus (reg. and DX)
Negima!? Magister Negi Magi
Favorite Video Games/Game Series/App Games
Resident Evil 5
White Knight Chronicles
Star Wars: KotOR
Legend of Zelda
Super Smash Bros
Street Fighter series (IV in particular)
Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion and 5: Skyrim
Call of Duty
Alice: Madness Returns
Of Mice & Men
Memphis May Fire
Like Moths To Flames
A Day to Remember
Sleeping with Sirens
Weapons of Choice
Arm Cannon (think Samus Aran or Megaman)
Sword & Shield Combo
Bow & Arrow
Ninja Tips for Healthy Living
Exercise is important, but jogging is for wimps. Plenty of exercise can be had leaping from bushes and kicking joggers in the head.
Laughter is medicine. Ninjas practice the art of inappropriate laughter. Laughing when hearing about cancer also shows the Ninja's strength.
Ninjas occasionally, without warning, stab friends with throwing stars. Life is random. Ninjas embrace this fact of life.
Killing the wrong person happens. Ninjas know this. It's useless to live in the past.
Fiber in your diet is important. Ninjas eat the shirt off a complete stranger's back at least once a week.
Sex is extremely important to one's physical and mental health. Ninjas therefore fantasize about sex two, three, maybe seven times a day.
Everyone knows yoga classes are filled with women. Ninjas prove their strength and impress the ladies by killing the yoga instructor.
Samurais are the source of much stress for Ninjas. They think they're soooooo cool with their armor and swords and those awesome helmets. It's in a Ninja's best interest not to think about such things.
A strong handshake is a sign of good health and vigorous character. Ninjas therefore squeeze as tightly as possible and do not let go when shaking hands. Strong eye contact is also recommended.
When eating the still beating heart of the enemy, Ninjas eat it all. There are starving Ninjas in Africa who don't have any hearts to eat.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness. If Ninjas get ketchup stains on their outfits whilst eating out, they throw smoke pellets and disappear. Later, outside their den, they burn their outfits while screaming uncontrollably at the top of their lungs.
Mind Control is one of the Ninja's most powerful skills. Making small children give you money is not only hilarious, but quite lucrative, and therefore, healthy.
It's good for Ninjas to treat themselves to Western pleasures occasionally. That's why there's nothing wrong with putting on a comfortable Ninja outfit, lighting some candles, and watching "Ninja Vixens: Virgin Nightmares."
It is important for Ninjas not to be their own worst enemy. Therefore, Ninjas should be sure to practice proper dental care before wearing a face mask.
Secrecy is of upmost importance to the Ninja's peace of mind. Not even the Ninja's parents can know their identities. Not even if a Ninja still lives in the basement of his parents' house.
Ninjas always ride shotgun. It's good for their sense of self worth. If Ninjas are being forced to sit in the back seat, remember they always carry garrotes.
(This message from god (not really) is hanging in my room, with it's own shrine set up devoted to it (also not really, it's set to where when the door opens, it's blocked from view))
Honoring a Hero: The Pillsbury Doughboy has Died of Yeast Infection
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described him as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.
He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times and a crusty old man he was still considered a positive roll model for millions.
He is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE:
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered for having cultivated such valuable lessons as: knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion, or a band-aid to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home without the burglar suing you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust, his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son Reason.
He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
Truths of Life
1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading #1, will try it.
3. And discover that #1 is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You soon will show this to another idiot.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.
I still laugh at myself for this...
You now have 2 options... ignore this or post this on your file to put a smile on someone else's face today!
How many times have you gone to a profile and read something that began with "97 percent of teenagers" on it? Well, did you know that 99.9 percent of statistics are total crap? In fact, 60 percent of you will skip this text, 70 percent will disagree because they have something like that on their profile, and only 5 percent of you will see the joke in this message. Now 100 percent of the people who didn't get it are looking back to see what they missed. 75 percent of the people who finally did see it are slapping themselves, 20 percent are saying this is "stupid" and are moving on, and 5 percent didn't get it and gave up.
Copy this on you're profile if you agree with me, though...or don't. It's just a message, I don't really care.
-"They say that behind every great man is a great woman. What they don't mention is the strap-on" Me
-"Roses are red and Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I" - My best friend, Robert
-"It's funny--the people with the closed minds usually are the ones who open their mouths."
-"I'm not different, you're just not like me."
-"I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in hell until I met you."
-"Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and slap that moron up-side the head!"
-"I see your playing stupid again. And it looks like you’re winning."
-"Females will kill you twice as fast for half the reason, just because they are sad afterward, doesn’t change the fact that you are dead."
-"When your girlfriend's 'monthly friend' comes over for dinner, just smile and nod and maybe you'll live...maybe."
-"When life gives you lemons, make apple juice, then watch the world wonder how you did it"
-"If you don't like the way I drive, then stay off the sidewalk."
-"Your ass has a vacancy sign and my foot's looking for a room." - Red (That 70's Show)
-"If guns kill people, I should be able to blame mispellings on my pencil." - Larry the Cable Guy
-"I'll take the stupid one who decided to threaten us instead of shoot us when he had a chance" - Bao Dur (Star Wars: KotOR 2)
-"If you have nothing you're willing to die for, you're not truly alive." - James D. Fawkes (fellow fanfic author)
-"Why did Sasuke cross the road? Because he wanted to avenge the chicken who didn't make it." - chocobo hero, GameFAQs.
-"If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball." - Patches O'Houlihan (Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story)
Father:"Your in big trouble miss.!"
These are a few lines that I thought were funny in different stories.
The Lycan Ninja: Naruto goes Lycan on Gaara as Sasuke wakes up.
“Oh hey Sasuke, you’re up.” Said Naruto.
“Sure Sasuke, go ahead and insult the werewolf. That sounds like a brilliant idea. But I digress, you sit and rest while I handle Captain Tanuki!"
A Kitsune's Dream: Naruto's rescueing a princess from a band of bandits.
“Tajuu Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!” Naruto shouted. Several clones appeared to match the numbers of the bandits. "Let's go, dattebayo!"
"What?" One stupid bandit said. He was suddenly impaled by three Tempest clones.
"I said 'Dattebayo'!"
Kyuubi's Gou: Naruto was stuck in a fox form, only to gain another tail and, thus, a way to change back.
Naruto blinked in confusion before looking down at his body. “Hey! I’m human!” said Naruto before he noticed the obvious, “OH GOD I’M NAKED!” From somewhere deep in his mind he could hear the howling laughter of a certain demon fox.
A Mother's Love: Tayuya is added to Team Kushina.
Haku nodded. “Hai Kushina-sama. I am Momochi Haku I like my pet bunny, Kushina-sama, Gabrella, Naruto, and my friends. I dislike anyone who threatens those precious people. My dream is to grow strong enough to protect the people I care for.”
Tayuya grinned at him. “You really got a pet rabbit?”
Haku nodded. “Yes, I call him Mr. Fluffy.”
Tayuya laughed. “You’re a virgin aren’t you?”
Again: Haku has a curse, and not his bloodline. A curse of awkward filth.
“Don’t worry, I'll be helpful!” Naruto somewhat pouted. ‘Now, while they’re distracted!’ Haku thought as he threw a senbon needle at Sasuke, hoping to hit his lower spine. However, at the exact moment the needle left Haku’s hand Sasuke started to stand up. The needle then hit Sasuke square on the ass...
Sasuke, feeling the pain jumped forward... right into Naruto. The two friends met in an unfortunate... ermmm... experience? As the two broke apart they began gagging, holding their throats. “YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Naruto hollered.
“YOU JACKASS!” Sasuke yelled back. ‘Ick! I thought I escaped that misfortune when I just sat in a seat in class!’ Naruto thought, spitting.
“Best not tell anyone about it... your wife might think you were cheating on her!” the fox burst out laughing.
Haku was finding it quite hard to stay calm and composed watching the whole scene. “I CAN’T BELIeVE YOU JUST... JUST...KISSED ME!” Naruto screamed. Haku couldn’t take it any more! The looks on their faces were getting to him! Naruto looked at a mirror. “YOU’Re ENJOYING THIS ARN’T YOU! YOU BASTARD!” Haku couldn’t help it. He was losing control of his mirrors.
Naruto had walked back to Sasuke and was holding him by the front collar of his shirt. “This never leaves the dome...” Naruto said to Sasuke, who could only nod. Haku lost control of his mirrors completely. The images shattered and the real one fell from the one he was in... which was right above Naruto.
Haku fell on Naruto, knocking him forward. Sasuke lost his balance and fell backwards. Naruto, after recovering from his shock, sat up on Sasuke. “YOU GAY BASTARD!” Naruto and Sasuke both yelled.
“YOU KISSED ME AGAIN!” Naruto screamed at the top of his lungs. Naruto turned to Haku, who was rolled up into a ball laughing. “I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL BEAT YOU TO A BLOODY PULP FOR THIS!”
“Umm Naruto...” Sasuke said, getting Naruto’s attention.
“Hmm?” Naruto asked.
“WILL YOU GET THE HELL OFF OF ME?” Sasuke yelled. Naruto then realized the position that he and Sasuke were in.
“AAGH!” Naruto yelled as he stood up away from Sasuke. This gave Haku only more to laugh at. The two turned to him.
o Sasuke is in the hospital wing after the Forest of Death being treated.
“Well this should help...” The medical nin came closer with the needle.
“At least the hickey’s gone!” Haku piped up, trying to be helpful. Sasuke stared at the needle skeptically.
“You know, I feel better. Really.” He said in a monotone, putting a hand up limply only to wince in pain and put it back down.
“Yea yea. Just look over there and stare at the polka dots.” the nin said, grabbing his left arm. 'Big tough ninja are always scared of a little needle.'
“Why? I don’t see any reason how that’s going to help. I can clearly see there’s only 10, there all different colors but other than that they’re... they're very pretty actually. I don’t think they’re supposed to dance though. Oh well...” Sasuke’s expression changed from one of anger to one of happiness. He had a lopsided smile and one eye half closed as he stared at the dots on the wall. “Isn’t red a nice color?” Sasuke asked as he fell back into his pillow. The medical nin frowned.
“I think I gave him too much morphine... Umm, I’m sure he’ll be back to normal soon...” The nin backed out of the room slowly. Sasuke’s teammates glared accusingly at the medical nin as she tried to leave unnoticed. “What? I’m only a temp!” And with that she ran out of the room.
“Heh. She seemed nice. A little crazy, but nice... Dance little spots! Dance!” Sasuke said, still watching the polka dots.
“Wow. It’s like they sucked the all angst right out of him!” Haku said
“I think we should leave and lock the door behind us...” Kakashi said as he opened up the door. Sasuke relaxed into the pillow and waved his arms as if conducting an orchestra. “Umm tell me if there are any changes…” Kakashi said to Sasuke’s guard as he left.
Fukkatsu: Naruto squirms out of a sticky situation and insults Neji at the same time.
“There are quite a few rumors circling around, Naruto.”
The blond glanced up from his ramen and over to his friend. “Rumors, Neji? Not another one about you singing in the shower or wearing pink underwear?”
“You started those.” Neji hissed, eyes narrowed.
Roku Naruto: Chouji is trying to survive Naruto, Shikamaru, and Shino's insanity. Trying
‘Find my happy place. Find my happy place. Find my happy place. Find my happy place. WHERE ARE YOU HAPPY PLACE?!’
o Sasuke just got his ass handed to him by a cat and Naruto is still insane.
“I like spaghetti too”
“Wait… What?!” Sasuke stammered, trying to make sense of what Naruto was saying, as well as Sakura, who was just as confused.
“It’s over there” Naruto said, pointing behind them.
“What? The spaghetti?” Sasuke asked, thinking he might have finally gotten the insane blonde’s routine.
“No, your headband” Apparently not.
o Naruto's messing with Sasuke's head again.
“The answer to your other question is; ‘That’s right, you didn’t’”
“I didn’t have another question”
“That’s right, you didn’t”
“… Naruto… Just shut up”
Ichigo and the Beanstalk: Ichigo and Zaraki are having their monthly "throwing-of-insults" before their fight.
"So I hear you're looking to get cut up again," Zaraki chuckled, a maniacal grin stretching across his face.
Ichigo smirked confidently. "Yeah, but I just hate to get cut up alone, so don't mind me if I have Zangetsu poke you a few times, Captain."
"You're assuming you even can. The way I remember it, you couldn't even touch me with your blade when we first met. Maybe you've gotten weaker since our last fight."
"Now, if I'd really gotten weaker, you think I'd be crazy enough to call you out like this?"
"No, but I never thought you were crazy. I thought you were stupid."
"So why don't we make this interesting?" Ichigo suggested. "Loser has to spend all of tomorrow with Yachiru... after she's eaten all the candy that goes to the winner."
Zaraki actually flinched. "I take it back. You're crazy, stupid, and a glutton for cruel and unusual punishment. But you've got yourself a bet. I'll even do you a favor and aim away from your shoulders. You're going to need them strong when she latches onto them for a whole day."
The Immortal Yakuza: Keitaro answers his cellphone (Simple? Yes)
He laid on the bed for a minute before the annoying buzz of his cellphone made him sit up, that and his pistol jammed into his back, “City morgue, you stab ‘em we slab ‘em,” he answered.
The Fox and the Sand Maiden: Naruto is talking with Kyuubi about his "feelings" (note: femGaara)
'Hey Kyuubi, do you know why I always tend to think of Gaara in my free time? I don't mind or anything..but I never used to think about someone like Sakura-chan like that before'
Kyuubi smirked, ah to be young. He figured he would dance around the question and see what Naruto thinks.
"I don't know Naruto, tell me what you think it is. Then I'll pass my judgment."
"Well, I always feel happy when I speak to Gaara-chan.." Kyuubi smiled, he was getting somewhere.
"And I think that Gaara looks really..uh good no matter what she looks like.."
"She has..a nice ass?"
"AND..." Kyuubi was getting a little excited, he didn't know Naruto looked at girl's that way.
"Her breasts are a pretty good size..oh and I really, really like her."
"They appear to be C cups kid. But I think I know what is wrong with you."
"What?! DO I HAVE A DISEASE?!" Kyuubi began to laugh evilly.
"YES, YOU HAVE SUPER AIDS!!"
"NO!! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT REGULAR AIDS IS!!"
Naruto began to run around in circles crying, and holding his head. Kyuubi was getting a kick out of watching him, playing with a pre-teen's young mind was too easy.
"You don't have super aids."
o Naruto and (fem)Gaara are waiting for the other examinees to show at the Forest of Death
"So Naruto-kun, how did your test taking go?" Naruto just scratched the back of his head in embarrassment.
"Well even though I got the premise of the test, I just sat there for two hours. I don't have any jutsu that would have helped me spy on others so I just sat there and doodled on the test paper." Naruto smirked triumphantly and Gaara once again was amazed at his unpredictability.
"So...what did you draw?" Gaara questioned and Naruto's smirk grew and Kyuubi groaned in agony over remembrance.
"Just the best pictures of Kyuubi, that's all!" He said with a thumbs up and Gaara once again reminded herself that this was her boyfriend.
"More like the worst pictures of Kyuubi. They did me no justice, I'm surprised that you can even draw seals correctly!"
'Your just jealous!'
"Jealous of what?!"
'..THAT YOU DON'T HAVE THUMBS TO DRAW WITH!' Kyuubi was confused and looked at his paws and realized the boy's implication.
"Son of a bitch."
Naruto Uzumaki: The Youkai Files: Urahara is hoping to hire Naruto for "a little side job."
"I'll do the job on two more conditions. One I get a hat just like that except in black and orange," demanded Naruto as he pointed at Kisuke's hat.
"Done!" agreed Kisuke with a grin as the bus driver cursed and slipped him another twenty.
"And the second..." inquired the headmaster.
"You will tell me what the hell happened to Dave Chapelle! I was recently introduced into the wonderful world of Chapelle Show via DVD and it is by far the funniest thing in the history of everything!" bellowed Naruto. "Then I saw the lost episodes..." Naruto and everyone else in the room visibly shivered. "Spirit World ain't doing their jobs if they allow such a travesty to occur..."
A look of panic briefly passed between Kisuke and the Headmaster that didn't go unnoticed by Naruto.
"So you do know..." suddenly the blond loomed over them with a demonic edge to his voice. "Now are you going to tell me? Or is Naruto Uzumaki gonna have to choke a bitch?"
Ok, as far as pairings go, I don't have any real preference anymore. Doesn't mean I don't have expectations though, as in, while I don't care for who dates who, if the writing itself looks like the hamburger my dog ate and minutes later threw up, you won't find it in my favorites.
...and there was nothing wrong with the hamburger. It was my leftovers. Guess beef doesn't agree with dog or something.