Author has written 50 stories for Stargate: Atlantis, Yu-Gi-Oh GX, Yu-Gi-Oh, Code Lyoko, Stargate: SG-1, Ben 10, Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles, Storm Hawks, Beano, Pokémon, St. Trinian's, Discworld, X-Men: Evolution, Black Lagoon, Ouran High School Host Club, Harry Potter, Gundam Seed, Huntik: Secrets & Seekers, Code Geass, Naruto, Star Wars: The Clone Wars, Percy Jackson and the Olympians, and Sekirei.
20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time , Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
Are You Professional?
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be "professional". Scroll down for each answer. The questions are not that difficult.
Fourty- Nine laws of Anime: (Oddly enough, there are a 100!)
1. Law of Metaphysical Irregularity The normal laws of physics do not apply.
2. Law of Differentiated Gravitation Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborn, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.
3. Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.
4. Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.
5. Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.
6. Law of Temporal Variability Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something 'cool' or 'impressive'. Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.
7. First Law of Temporal Mortality 'Good Guys' and 'Bad Guys' both die in one of two ways. Either so quick they don't even see it coming, OR it's a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence or why the toast always lands butter side down.
8. Second Law of Temporal Mortality It takes some time for bad guys to die... regardless of physical damage. Even when the 'Bad Guys' are killed so quickly they didn't even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.
9. Law of Dramatic Emphasis Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still-frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white).
10, Law of Dramatic Multiplicity Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a 'Good Guy' kicks the 'Bad Guy' in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.
11. Law of Inherent Combustability Everything explodes. Everything. First Corollary - Anything that explodes bulges first. Second Corollary - Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities, sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".
12. Law of Phlogistatic Emission Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.
13. Law of Energetic Emission There is alway an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy 'bulge') before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law of Inherent Combustability.
14. Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude The destructive potential of a weapon is inversly proportional to its size. First Corollary - Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also know as the A-Ko phenomenon.
15. Law of Inexhaustability No one EVER runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.
16. Law of Inverse Accuracy The accuracy of a 'Good Guy' when operating any form of fire-arm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the 'Bad Guys' when operating fire-arms decreases when the difficulty of the shot decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect) Example: A 'Good Guy' in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of 'Bad Guys' firing on a 'Good Guy' standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss. First Corollary - The more 'Bad Guys' there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage. Second Corollary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is faced with insurmountable odds, the 'Bad Guys' line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape. Third Corollary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a designated 'Good Guy Area', usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm, which restricts the 'Good Guy' from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvres.
17. Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability Minmei is a bimbo.
18. Law of Hemoglobin Capacity The human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.
19. Law of Demonic Consistency Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown (but black is not unknown), and can only be hurt by bladed weapons.
20. Law of Militaristic Unreliability Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war-machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.
21. Law of Tactical Unreliability Tactical geniuses aren't...
22. Law of Inconsequential Undetectability People never notice the little things... Like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.
23. Law of Juvenile Intellectuality Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as annoying.
24. Law of Americanthropomorphism Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles, either as a really nasty skinny 'Bad Guy' or a big stupid 'Good Guy'. First Corollary - The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line Effect.) Second Corollary - The only people who are more stupid than the American translators are the American editors and censors.
25. Law of Mandibular Proportionality The size of a person's mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.
26. Law of Feline Mutation Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably: a) be female b) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation c)and wear as little clothing as possible, if any.
27. Law of Conservation of Firepower Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used only as a last resort.
28. Law of Technological User-Benevolence The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.
29. Law of Melee Luminescence Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for 'good guys' and red for 'bad guys'. This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.
30. Law of Non-anthropomorphic Antagonism All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.
31. Law of Follicular Chroma Variability Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.
32. Law of Follicular Permanence Hair in anime is pretty much indestructable, and can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone's hair is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons!
33. Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime Aero-Dynamics ANY shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is automatically aerodynamic.
34. Law of Probable Attire Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines.-Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off the afore-mentioned female's clothes, then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower Scene).-Whenever there is a headwind, a Male characters will invariably wear a long cloak which doesn't hamper movement and billows out dramatically behind him. First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability) - All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow. Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability) - Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage.
35. Law of Musical Omnipotence Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument, etc.) is automatically capable of doing much more "simple" things like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so on... especially if they have never attempted these things before.
36. Law of Quitupular Aggultination Also called "The Five-man Rule," when "Good Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic positions, which are: a) The Hero/Leader b) His girlfriend c) His Best Friend/Rival d) A Hulking Brute e) A Dwarf/Kid Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include:-Extreme Coolness -Amazing intelligence -Incredible Irritation -Supreme Arragance and Ultra Childishness.
37. Law of Extradimensional Capacitance All anime females have an extradimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment's notice. First Corollary (The Hammer Rule) - The most common item stored is a heavy mallet, which can be used with unerring accuracy on any male who deserves it. Other common items include costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.
38. Law of Hydrostatic Emission Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed, embarrassed, or worried, this sweat gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.
39. Law of Inverse Attraction Success at finding suitable mates is inversely proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the less you get. First Corollary Unfortunately, this law seems to apply to Otaku in the real world...
40. Law of Nasal Sanguination When sexually aroused, males in Anime don't get erections, they get nosebleeds. No one's sure why this is, though... the current theory suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see Law #38 above). Females don't get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region.
41. Law of Xylolaceration Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal swords, if not sharper.
42. Law of Juvenile Omnipotence Always send a boy to do a man's job. He'll get it done in half the time and twice the angst.
43. Law of Quadrotriscadecophobia There is no Law #43.
44. Law of Nominative Clamovocation The likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced.
45. Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis Regardless of how long or involved the transformation sequence or how many times they've seen it before, any 'Bad Guys' witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it.
46. Law of Flimsy Incognition Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives
47- Law of Mandibular Combustible Emission- All anime characters seem to have some unknown chemical on their breath that reacts VERY violently with extremely hot or spicy food. This chemical may also be responsible for the phenomenon of fire behind the eyes and from the mouth when a character (usually a female) is really angry.
48- Law of Electrical and Combustible Survivalism- If you get electrocuted or burned, YOU WILL SURVIVE!! Though your entire body will be scorched, seconds later, your skin won’t have a trace of damage (Also known as the "Pikachu Effect"). First Corollary- When a magical bad guy/Alien/monster fires off a flame, wind, or ice attack, the resulting effect is only enough for the hero(es)/heroine(s) to be standing in the "Walking Against the Wind" stance, with his/her eyes shut and Letting out a pathetic "Aaaaagh!", and yet they are never harmed. This may be in part to laws 32, 34 and sometimes 44.
49- Law of Female wrath- If a male character insults a female character, he will get a mallet, shotgun, or tank blast, or if she is a character that can perform magical feats, a fireball or whatever, to the head, body or whatever (Also known as the "Lina Inverse/Gourry Factor") This is because he always deserves it, and will help him to cope in today’s society. (>Sniff Sniff.
50- Law of Artistic Perversion- Most (not all) Anime artists are perverts and are under the impression that girls are willing to tear off their clothes, or wear VERY small, revealing outfits at the drop of a pin (or pen for that matter). Unfortunately, most Hentai fans are under the same impression.
51- Law of Uninteruptable Nominative Clamovocation- This law is a mixture of Laws 44 and 45. Regardless of how long or involved the Spell or projectile attack is, and the likelihood of success and damage done by the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced, or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys" witnessing a hero/heroine quoting the incantations for an extremely powerful attack are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it. (Also known as the "Dragon Slave Phenomenon")
52- Law of Telepathic Obliviousness- Most of the time, some Anime characters (usually males) will think personal (Like that he/she has sabotaged something), or perverted thoughts, while near some other character, WHO’S TELEPATHIC!! The reasons for this are: 1) They forgot that the person is telepathic. 2) They just don’t give a damn. The reasons the telepathic person doesn’t react are: 1) They’re preoccupied with doing something else. 2) They’d rather keep the fact to themselves that they are Telepathic. 3) They just don’t give a damn.
53- Law of Chromatic Diversity- Air can be any color of the viewable spectrum.
54- Law of Old Man Comic Relief- Comic relief comes in the form of a short, bald, wise-mouthed dirty old man or alien. Or the combination of any two of those traits. First Corollary- If old man is present, and is acting too horny, stupid, etc., there will invariably be an old woman to whap him over the head with a frying pan or something.
55- Law of the Wise Old Man- Little old Japanese men always know how it ends and withhold the ending from anyone, especially the hero. This includes special power weapons, ancient relics, and people who know everything.
56- Law of Omnipotent Unreliability- Any "Bad Guy" with Omnipotent powers/weapons will never use those powers/weapons against the "Good Guy" until it is too late. First Corollary- All "Bad Guys" suffer from Antagonistic Boasting Syndrome which require all "Bad Guys" to threaten with or exemplify their prowess and not use it against the "Good Guy". Second Corollary- No "Bad Guy" may use any new, secret, or superior military device without one of the following events occurring: a) The control device being broken. b) The control device being taken by the "Good Guy". c) The control device is in fact not the real device at all and was just "fooled" by the "Good Guy". d) The "Bad Guy" has already lost and cannot use the device.
57- Law of Minimum Corneal Volume- Eyeballs may make up no less than one sixth of the face’s total surface area. More so if the case is a blonde woman.
59- Law of Ammunition Accuracy- When there are multiple types of ammunition available (paintballs, speaker pods), non-lethal rounds will always be more accurate when compared to "standard" or lethal shots. (Macross Plus for paintballs, Macross 7 for speaker pods.)
60- Law of Active Female Attraction- In a comedy series, a male character’s attractiveness to women is inversely proportional to how active they pursue them. (Tenchi, Ranma, and Makoto OVA have a seemingly endless supply of willing girlfriends despite their lack of romantic skill while Happosai, Ataru, Carrot, and Naruto couldn’t get a date despite or because of their constant attempts.)
61- Law of Sweat Pore Variability- When a person is embarrassed, caught in an awkward situation, or otherwise humiliated, all sweat pores on the body contract, except for ones on the forehead. These pores expand to such a degree that a single drop could fill a Big Gulp from 7-11.
62- The Law of Inverse Training Time- A person who has been training for 3 years is never as good as someone who has been training for one month.
63- Law of Needs to Few and Many- The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few... of even the one.
64- Law of Bad Humor- Whenever someone says something that is intended to be funny, whether actually funny or not, the rest of the characters (even animals) fall to the ground with their feet in the air. Sweat sometimes accompanies the fall. (The sound of a cow mooing usually accompanies the joke as well.)
65- Law of Extreme Anger- Whenever a female character gets mad, such as seeing the male character with another girl, she becomes extremely strong (despite her usually helpless look) so that she can lift a 1000 ton object to hurt the guy. She can sometimes perform other punishments that are just as cruel such as pinching the guy’s face so hard that it changes shape. (see law #4.)
66- Law of Differentiated Gravitation- First Corollary- If the airborne entity exceeds an altitude equal or greater than two times the height of the entity, gravity is decreased by an inverse coefficient relative to the upward momentum and mass/weight (if within at least 500 km of any gravity source) of the entity "jumping". Second Corollary- The amount of Newtonian "opposite force" (in accordance to normal downward velocity; "Earth gravity" speed is equal to 32ft/sec/sec) is also inversely proportional to the "actual" speed of the airborne entity. In all actuality, an entity that appears to be flying towards a solid concrete parking lot from space will actually land, producing an opposite force of approximately 1.73 lb. of pressure. Unless this particular entity is a "Bad Guy". Then the law exhibits a mysterious exponentially proportional Newtonian opposite force, thusly increasing this variable by a factor equal to the inverse-gravity potential.
67- Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases, the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient must be increased by a proportional amount to compensate. In any situation where this does not happen, the "Bad Guy" inevitably comes out on top. However, this usually leads to a further rise in the Ambient Dramatic tension, which will always be offset by an exponential increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient.
68- Law of Coercive Vehicular Control- No matter how complex or well defined the control system, a character controlling a vehicle of any sort always does so through means of undetectable subconscious psychokinesis. First Corollary- Characters can perform actions with their vehicles which clearly defy normal physics (see Laws of Metaphysical Irregularity and Constant Thrust). The velocity, attitude and traction of the vehicle appear to be adjusted at will, with the degree of absolute control being proportional to the complexity and lethality of the maneuver. Second Corollary- It is effectively impossible to remove characters from or disrupt the passage of their vehicles without the character’s consent. This does not always apply to "Bad Guy" characters, or "Good Guy" characters in situations where the Ambient Dramatic Tension could increase in accordance with the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension.
69- Amendment to the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases without a corresponding increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient, not only does the "Bad Guy" usually come out on top, but also his Smugness Factor increases in proportion to the rise in Ambient Dramatic Tension.
70- Law of The Rushing Background Effect- Whenever something dramatic occurs, a survival instinct engages, thus rendering all incoming stimulus that is not directly and immediately to the dramatic situation at hand a meaningless blur. This is often referred to as "The Rushing Background Effect". Due to the increase in brain activity and adrenaline levels in the bloodstream, the scene is often played out in slow motion.
71- Law of Interdimensional Hammers- Whenever a female character witnesses a male character of her preference performing any sort of questionable act (i.e. Looking at another girl or anything she might construe as perverted) she can reach into an interdimensional realm (usually behind her back) and withdraw a huge Anime Mallet of Doom with which to whack the said male over the head with. (see Laws # 37, 49, and 65.)
72- Law of Instant Band-Aids- Whenever a character is injured (usually in a head shot, maybe from a mallet whack) Band-Aids will always instantly appear on the wounded individual (and always in pairs, set in a cross fashion). These bandages will then, most likely, disappear by the character’s next scene.
73- Law of Universal Edge Defense- Any projectile attack, from a blast of magic to a hail of bullets, can be easily defended against by holding a suitably cool-looking sword or other bladed weapon between the attacker and defender, usually so that the edge cuts into the incoming attack(s), causing both halves to go flying harmlessly past the defender. Observed most often in fantasy and martial arts anime.
74- Law of Intractable Sanity- There is no such thing as insanity in anime. When faced with horrifying supernatural forces that would drive most men mad, anime characters will either: a) Die quickly (but in accordance with all other laws e.g., slowdown and exposition), b) Get possessed by them, especially if they are beautiful girls or men in a position to ravish beautiful girls, or c) Kill them, wipe the blood off their blades, and walk on whistling.
75- Law of Celestial Body Control- At a dramatically correct moment, a hero can summon a sun/moon/halo to appear behind him/her to cause a dramatic silhouette.
76- Law of Aura of Forgetfulness- Any hero who wishes his/her identity to remain a secret will invariably succeed regardless of disguise because everyone around him/her will forget everything. Otherwise, how does Sailor Moon keep her disguise?
77- Law of Cool Hair Factor- The hair of a hero will always coalesce into thick strands that drape his face into a dramatic fashion, regardless of wind, the elements, etc. (see Laws 32 & 48.)
78- Law of Inverse Coping- Any single event will happen to the ONE character LEAST capable of dealing with it.
79- Law of Martial Arts Training Invulnerability- The Myth that certain martial arts will enable you to become so strong, that you can stop a nuclear warhead with your bare palm. Unfortunately, for most otaku, they found the hard way that it just doesn’t work in real life...
80- Law of Stereotype Captain characteristics- If a captain of any type of ship is male, he will invariably wear a big captain’s cap, a long overcoat, and have a shaggy beard and mustache (pipe optional), and be a great tactician. If the captain is female, however, she will invariably be young, well endowed, and ditzy as a pole (horny father optional). Yet, she too will be a great tactician.
81- Law of Shades/Coolness Factor- Shades can make you instantly cool, even if you’re normally a klutz.
82- Law of Hentai Plot- The proper response to any change in the plotline of a Hentai anime is to start having sex.
83- Law of Understatement- Anything that is deemed too impossible will become possible. First Corollary- Any "Bad Guy" stating "T-that’s impossible!" whenever the hero is accomplishing some new feat/move/projectile will find out too late that he is wrong and will invariably be toastied.
84- Law of Dormant Powers- Anytime a hero is somehow outpowered and/or outclassed by the villain, he will invariably release powers/new moves he never knew he could accomplish... but his old teacher did!
85- Law of Style Coefficient- In a situation where a Good guy may be in dire straits, he will become stronger, smarter and more cool in a matter of seconds. (see Laws #67, 69, and 84)
86- Law of Bad Guy Smugness Factor- Whenever the villain actually succeeds in beating the hero, they will begin to gloat uncontrollably, because they’ve never won against the "Good Guy" (because they’re Eeeviiil!!). They usually get so cocky, they tie the hero to a conveyor belt leading to his doom and leave to get a snack. Usually this results in: a) The hero escaping. b) Clean-up for the underlings. c)The villain getting toastied.
87- Law of Tableware Nonexistence- There IS no spoon.
88- Law of Goofy Turn-Ons- In Hentai, ordinary , pedestrian objects sometimes have the magical power of either inducing orgasm or arousal. Some include warm water, rolling on a smooth tabletop, wind, mild electrocution, the character toweling themselves after a bath/shower, and very cold objects... like bottles of 7-up.
89- Law of Penile Variance- All Anime men in Hentai have a ridiculously large penis (lengths of 8, 9, 10 and 11 inches are most common). Some even have ones the size of telephone poles, despite the blood loss that would accompany it...
90-Law of Hentai Female Characteristics- All Hentai women have the following characteristics: 1) Very sensitive and/or very large breasts with large nipples. 2)Very tight and/or sensitive vaginas.
91- Law of Vaginal Variance- Hentai Anime women can take penis lengths of 8" and up... completely... despite the fact that they might have a tight and/or sensitive vagina.
92- Law of Hero Identification- All heroes are introduced by way of appearance while someone talking about their (in)famous-ness, or by way of a voice-over of them introducing themselves.
93- Law of Cute Mascots- Any anime either Shojo or Shonen has GOT to have at least one cute, furry little mascot by penalty of death! First Corollary- If it is a Shonen Anime, the hero will be accompanied by a Dog, Cat or any kind of animal, real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the male persuasion. Any animal that would be associated with girls that is following him around is there because: 1) It’s his girlfriend’s. 2) It is following him, despite his insistence not to do so. 3) Chicks will dig him more. Second Corollary- If it is a Shojo Anime, the heroine will be accompanied by a cat, cute lil’ mouse, or some disgustingly cute monster, or any kind of animal, real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the female persuasion. Any animal that would be associated with guys that is following her around is there because: 1) It’s her boyfriend’s. 2) It is following her, despite her insistence not to do so. 3) It makes her look cool.
94- Law of The Force- Most Anime heroes are blessed with a unique sort of ability that enables bad things to happen to those that deserve it or makes things like bullets or debris totally miss them (Also referred to as "Dumb Luck"), even though they are mostly unaware of it. Those who have this ability include Vash the Stampede, Captain Justy Ueki Tylor, and Jar Jar Binks.
95- Law of Naughty Tentacles- All Anime Tentacles are VERY horny and will rape any human female, regardless of age ("She’s 18! No! Really, she is! I’m not lying!...") First Corollary- Even when raped or molested by tentacles, Hentai Anime girls eventually get into it & begin squealing in ecstasy. NO one knows WHY this is, but some theorize there may be some kind of chemical that is secreted through the skin of the tentacle...Second Corollary- Women who are impregnated by a tentacle creature never experience morning sickness, and also find it to be intensely pleasurable (Also known as the Goofy Meter Redline Effect). Third Corollary- Similarly, the resulting... offspring of tentacle/human relations is immediately sexually active, often impregnating its own mother again.
96- Law of Cat-Fighting- Two females with a grudge can and will go at each other, sometimes ripping off clothes. Sometimes it escalates so much, that property damage begins to occur. First Corollary- A running fight can be so destructive, you can follow it from a distance just by watching for the smoke. (Also known as the "A-ko/B-ko Thing")
97- Law of Healing- Most anime heroes have a Wolverine-like healing factor that enables them to regenerate from a massive wound or broken bone within minutes. Being immortal sometimes helps. (Also known as the "Priss Effect".)
98- Law of Stereotype Crew Characteristics- All ships, either waterborne or spaceborne, have the following crew members: 1) The captain 2) His Lieutenant 3) Various female technical staff 4) A hotshot pilot 5) A cute little girl/twins (either stowaways or not) 6) The Doctor 7) The Doctor’s assistant (either a spy or not) Weighted among the crew are various quirks which include: 1) Extreme coolness/luck 2) Amazing Intelligence 3) Incredible irritation 4)Extreme cuteness 5)Irresponsible drunkenness 6)Homophobicness 7) Emotionless (Idiots.)
99- Law of Sparklies- Whenever a character of the main character’s interest appears, flowers, sparkles, or abstract circles of pastel colors appear around said character, or both. Roses with exaggerated thorns appear when it is dangerous love. No one knows why this is, though most have a theory: Anime characters are freaks! At least, Marker Apenname seems to think so...
100- Law of Anime Events- Much like wrestling, anything and everything can happen.
Laws of Warfare
Suppressive fire... doesn't
You know something is wrong with you when a supposedly invulnerable demon asks you to keep them alive, and you then refuse bonus money for saving their worthless carcass.
Destroy is such a strong word! I prefer ‘redecorated for free’.
Everyday I think people can't get any stupider, and everyday I'm proven horribly wrong.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.
If Tylenol, Duct Tape, and a Band Aid can't fix it, then you have a serious problem.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. Your best friend will be sitting next to you in the cell saying 'That was freakin awesome!'
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are okay, you're it.
Some people are like slinkys, they're not much to look at, but you can't help but smile when they fall down the stairs...
When life gives you lemons make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how the fucking hell you did it.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If you don't like my driving then stay off the sidewalk!
You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you're all the same
I'm an angel! Honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo up straight!
I am not crazy! You know what! The voices in my head don't like u anymore!
I reject your reality and substitute my own.
You know you're crazy when you know the Men in white by name. (Personal Note: My cousin does... or did... she's managed to keep them fooled for awhile now...)
Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door
When there's a will, there's five hundred relatives
If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Never argue with an idiot, they'll bring you to their level then beat you with experience.
It takes real guts to admit you're a coward.
Life’s a bitch, put it on a leash.
I'm not a complete idiot... Some parts are missing.
Sarcasm is one more service I offer. Compassion costs extra.
Insanity is a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
Don't look at me with that tone of voice!
Question: if some one with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation?
Who ever said that anything was possible has obviously never tried to ski through a revolving door.
I had a good idea once, but it died of loneliness
Comfort the Disturbed and Disturb the Comfortable
Genius by Birth Lazy by Choice
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.
Can you really trust a sane person?
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Use the force if that doesnt work just carry a gun.
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
If it's stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Sanity is the playground for the unimaginative.
Always forgive your enemies - Nothing else annoys them so much.
Cheating: The Plan B of winners for over 2000 years.
You never want to be in a fair fight if an unfair fight is an option.
Its not cheating unless your caught. Till then it is called, Strategic Answer Retrieval.
When all else fails, cheat. Repeat untill caught. Then lie.
You know that you're obsessed with Gundam Wing when you slap people for blasphamy because they tell you "hero" isn't spelled with two "e"s.
Me: Don't go into the tall grass! My Mom: Why? Me: The raptors... Mom: I wish I had your worries.
Embrace the total dork in yourself; life's too short to be cool.
I molested myself last night. I said no, but I knew I wanted it.
It's all fun and games until someone is sacrificed to Satan.
Remember, you can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Cheer up, things could get worse...so we cheered up and, sure enough, things got worse.
That went so far over my head, I'm getting frequent flyer miles.
Life is sexually transmitted and always fatal.
I am so unbelievably awsome that it doesn't even matter that everyone else thinks I'm a total loser.
I may not be smart enough to do everything, but I'm dumb enough to try anything.
If I woke up looking like that, I'd run towards the nearest living thing and kill it.
That was so awsome, I'm gonna have to invent a word for it.
You're gonna regret being that sarcastic when I'm bathing in the blood of my victims.
Guns don't kill people... but they sure help.
There’s only two men I trust. One of ‘em’s me, the other one’s not you.
I've got half a mind to kill you, and the other half agrees.
You never want to be in a fair fight if an unfair fight is an option.
"I think it important to my life that i keep living."
"Don't you trust me?" "Let's see... on a scale of 1-10, i'd have to say no."
"You attack me verbally, i'll fight back in kind! But physically."
If it can't be solved by violence, it's not worth solving.
"I retract any insults to Mew, humbly asking she leave me as i am." "Humble? Ha! You? Ha! You don't know the meaning of the word." "Not now please, i'm pleading with a god."
"Don't you just hate it when people assume they're more powerful than you just because they're a demigod?"
"I disagree with what you say, but I shall defend to the death your right to say it." (An honourable old saying)
"I disagree with what you say, and i'll fucking KILL you if you try and tell me it!" (joke version)
"Like i'm going to let my wallet out of my sight. Hey, where's my wallet?"
God is not dead but alive and well and working on a much less ambitious project.
"I don't expect you to obey my rules, i expect you to die if you disobey them." "...I think i'm gonna obey your rules."
"My uncle drowned in a vat of whisky. They tried to save him, but he fought them off bravely."
"Oh no! Sepulchure's raising an army of one hundred million undead! Are you thinking what i'm thinking?" "(Sarcastically) We jump down and kill fifty million each?" "Whoah... you WERE thinking what i was thinking..."
"I wanna kill him!" "Take a number and get in line!"
“One last piece of advice before you head out there- Whatever you do, don’t die.” (A Fox among the Hounds, a Naruto fanfic by Jehovah's Witness)
"You get 0 out of 10 for being a human, because your disguise is not convincing!"
"What's the point of studying history?" "Research. Finding out what ways of taking over the world don't work. (evil grin)"
"You know what he does that's really annoying?" "Exists?"
After it was attacked by Raccoons... (Sniff) They killed so many...
The Raccoons are actually the master race... they ALLOW us to rule... until they think it's time... to STRIKE!
The CNN Tower is ACTUALLY a giant demon robot cat, which was defeated by the Raccoon Liberation Front.
(Gasp) The headteacher is in league with the Raccoons! All Scottish people ARE Raccoons!
Nobody expected the badgers to get involved... WHY?! (Cries)
"I don't know, that depends whether the raccoons were involved." "The raccoons are always involved. They're the ones controlling the ferris wheel with the elephant on top sucking the brains of the INNOCENT CHILDREN BELOW!"
The Raccoon war went on for a while. Please don't ask how it started. or whether it's over... they're waiting in the shadows...
“I’ve got a question,” Kame spoke out, “Why is the blond baka our…leader?” They could all hear the sneer in her voice. “I’ve got a few words for you,” Naruto grinned ferally, “Kyuubi no Kitsune/Youko.” A brief spurt of red chakra in his aura incited a short period of respectful silence as each jinchuuriki conferred with its inner demon as to the power of the Nine-tailed Fox to lord it over them. When it became quite clear that Kyuubi could kick their collective asses three ways to Tuesday, everyone murmured their approval of their leader. (Thorn in Jinchuriki Gathering)
"So, how many signs of the apocalypse have we had now?" "I dunno, but i think the apocalypse has been and gone about twice by now."
"I've got a plan!" "Kill Rob?" "...Forget my plan, yours is better!"
"We're as fast as you." "We're as strong as you." "Yeah. But are you one TENTH as pissed off as i am?" (Two vampires and Violet, in Ultraviolet)
"Where to?" "The airport!" (Points dramatically) "The airport's actually that way." "I'm just pointing dramatically, it doesn't have to be in the right direction."
"Alright, i'll just hop in my time machine, go back to the 12th century and ask the vampires if they can postpone their ancient prophecy a few days so you can take in dinner and a show." "Ok, now you're abusing sarcasm." (Giles and Buffy, from Buffy, the Vampire Slayer)
"This ends tonight." "No it doesn't. By my watch it's already 11:57. Unless you intend on beating me in two minutes, it won't end tonight." "Okay. It doesn't end tonight. But it ends very early tomorrow." (Heroes Inc, a sprite comic)
"And wasn't agent Orulla captured by a pirate named Nights?" "She was released as soon as we agreed to his demands." "And what were those?" "An extremely large amount of a substance called 'pocky'. Perhaps it is a currency in their world." "Fantastic. I'm participating in a battle of idiots."
"What about Alkia?" "I sent her elsewhere. She's not... how to put it... firendly enough for the job." "She's a bitch, you mean." "We'll go with my phrasing for now."
"What is in that folder that Jurinjo gave you?" "...stuff..." "What kind of stuff?" "...evil stuff..." "Hand it over." "No." "YES." "DAMNIT. (Hands)"
"Your orders are simple. Kill anyone who enteres except Doctor Sun and myself." "Men women and children?!" "Yes, anyone." "Knifegunaxecheese?!" "Yes, however you want." (Glomps) "WORLDS BEST BOSS." Girl Genius. Another amazing webcomic.
"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." (Old saying)
"Any sufficiently analysed magic is indistinguisable from science!" (Girl Genius. XD)
Black Mage: I shall die as I have lived. Completely surrounded by morons."
Mobile Suit Gundam Wing: "Here, go right ahead and shoot me...Hey! You're really gonna shoot me, aren't you?!" - Duo Maxwell to Heero Yuy.
Oceans Eleven: "You have been implicated in over a dozen confident schemes and frauds." The board woman said. "What do you think you would do if you were released?" "I don't know." said with a shrug. "How much do you guys make a year?"
Oceans Eleven: "You're a thief and a liar." She accused. "I only lied about being a thief." He pointed out.
"My first impression of you guys is… I hate you.” ~Kakashi Hatake
“Me? I’m Kakashi Hatake. Things I like and things I hate…I don’t feel like telling you that. My dreams for the future…never really thought about it. As for my hobbies…I have lots of hobbies.” ~Kakashi Hatake
Naruto: “I… get… it!” Kakashi: “I’m telling you this because you don’t get it. You think you get it, which is not the same as actually getting it. Get it?”
“I’m gonna be Hokage someday. Believe it!” ~Naruto Uzumaki
Kankurou: “You’re an interesting guy, I like you.” Naruto: “You’re not an interesting guy and I don’t like you.” Kankurou: “This brat… I’m going to kill him.”
"What a drag." ~Shikamaru
“How troublesome.” ~Shikamaru Nara
“If you want to kill me, despise me, hate me, and live an unsightly way… run, and cling to life, and then someday, when you have the same eyes as I do, come before me.” ~Itachi Uchiha
"I'm a bit annoyed that you bit me without any restraint. " ~Kaname Kuran
"Hey baby, what's your blood type?" ~Hanabusa Aidou
"All vampires should fear and respect me, yet you bare your fangs at me without hesitation." ~Kaname Kuran (to Zero)
"One day, Kaname's lips will lightly touch this neck of yours, and slowly, Kaname's teeth will sink in... If you hear the sound of Kaname drinking your own blood, Yuki-chan, then, for sure, you'll feel ecstasy" ~Aidou
Yachiru: Attack with your intuition Kenpachi: I'm doing that already Ikakku: Then use that! Duh! The mind's eye thing! Kenpachi: If I can use that I wouldn't be thinking about this, Idiot! Yumichika: If it was me...I would probably give up...in a beautiful way... *sparkles* Kenpachi: Go to hell!
"Hello? 911? Can you bring, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 ambulances? thanks." ~Ichigo
Rin: (screams with fear) Sesshomaru: “Enough of that Rin. Stop it.” Rin: (stops in mid-scream) “Yes my lord!”
Naruto fanfic quotes
“Ok dumb nuts, an ultimate defence are basically a technique or natural ability that shields you from almost all harm.” “Wait if it’s almost all harm, then why is it ultimate. Sounds pretty stupid to me.” Came the snorted reply from Naruto. “Hmm, you have a point. But the almost ultimate defence just don’t have that nice ring to it,” came the mocking tone again.
Thorn in Jinchuriki Gathering: “I’ve got a question,” Kame spoke out, “Why is the blond baka our…leader?” They could all hear the sneer in her voice. “I’ve got a few words for you,” Naruto grinned ferally, “Kyuubi no Kitsune/Youko.” A brief spurt of red chakra in his aura incited a short period of respectful silence as each jinchuuriki conferred with its inner demon as to the power of the Nine-tailed Fox to lord it over them. When it became quite clear that Kyuubi could kick their collective asses three ways to Tuesday, everyone murmured their approval of their leader.
Dance of the Kitsune:“Yes. Naruto struck again.” Haku teased. “He brought home an Oto-nin. Can we keep him?”
Nidaime's Apprentice: I've accepted that seals are essentially the ninja way of saying 'fuck reality, we're doing it anyway' but I still don't understand them.
The Great Romantic: However... You had to be a blind idiot not to see what Naruto was up to lately. He was actually incredibly proud of Naruto, who seemed to finally move on from his old crush, to a new one. Even more so, he showed his affection in true ninja fashion- Killing absurdly overpowered ninjas, taking their swords, and giving them to his One True Love.
Different Past, Different Future: I shall call him…Scene:
Iyaomoi stood with her back to the Hokage's office, making sure that the thing in there didn't get out. As the Hokage's secretary, she was in charge of taking care of Hashirama's office while he was gone. When she went in there to drop off some mission order forms, Iyaomoi saw that thing in there tearing up books and causing mass havoc in the office. She would have called for help in getting rid of it, but unfortunately she was mute and could only communicate via NSL (Ninja Sign Language) or writing words out. Both forms of communication were lost to her as she had to use her hands to keep the door from opening outwards. Relief flooded her mind when she heard the Shodai's and the designate Nidaime's voices coming up the stairs.
"How was I supposed to know you couldn't handle that much tequila?" Shinsui asked his brother as they came upon the top floor where Iyaomoi was. Hashirama grabbed his head in pain and closed his eyes. "You should know my limit by now from all the times you dragged me to a party with you; and don't talk so freakin loud." As he came upon his office, Hashirama noticed his secretary standing in front of the door, baring their entrance. "Move aside, Iyaomoi. I need the aspirin from my desk." Iyaomoi shook her head frantically and made several panicky signs with her hands. Both Hashirama and Shinsui stared at her in confusion.
"You know we can't understand a word you're signing," Hashirama said, "so I don't know why you keep insisting we do." A loud crashing noise made the brothers look at the door with extreme curiosity, while Iyaomoi looked on the verge of a breakdown. "What was that noise, Iyaomoi?" Hashirama asked her, his migraine becoming the least of his worries. "Maybe its presents!" Shinsui exclaimed excitedly. "So many presents piled on your desk that it buckled under the pressure." "Presents for what?" Hashirama asked with a raised eye brow. "Who cares?" Shinsui said as he moved the terrified secretary out of the way. "Maybe they're from the villagers thanking us for doing such a great job taking care of the village."
Throwing the doors open in excitement, Shinsui was momentarily struck dumb at what really awaited them within the office. A six foot tall velociraptor stood in the middle of the office, the tattered remains of a book hanging from its jaws. When it saw the white haired water master staring at it, the brown scaled dinosaur let loose a screech and sprung, the talon on its left foot primed to gut open the ninja. Shinsui disappeared with a blur of speed and punched the raptor squarely in the face. It hit the opposite wall with a cry of pain and fell unconscious.
"Scratch number four off the list of things I want to do before I die," Shinsui said. Hashirama gazed at the unconscious reptile in amazement. "How the hell did a velociraptor get in my office? They're supposed to be extinct!" Shinsui turned to look at his brother. "What should we do with it?" he asked. The elder Senju gave a shrug. "It's not up to me. You beat it, and according to the law of ninja, you get to decide its fate."
Shinsui looked back to the unconscious dino. Thinking hard, he realized that its size was perfect for something else he always wanted to do. "I shall call him…Yoshi," Shinsui said while holding a saddle.