location: My Bedroom.
You are a Clueless Uke!
Having a good time is what you're all about. You're satisfied just to have someone to eat hamburgers and play video games with, and are completely oblivious to other's manipulative behavior. You don't expect much, and that can be a good thing. You're perfect prey for the Opportunist Seme, who might take advantage of you, but you probably won't even notice, or really care, as long as you're enjoying yourself.
Most compatible with: Opportunist Seme, Romantic Seme
Least compatible with: Sadistic Seme, Don't Fuck With Me Seme
This is Hilarious!
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all o ver the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several d ays productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now lega lly married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all.
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
ABOUT THE WRITER
Holy crap she did!!!!!!!
My Mother Taught Me…
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
19. My mother taught me ESP.
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
25.. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
lol wish i had Vinnie as a relative!
An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomatoe garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old
to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were
here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the
plot for me, like in the old days..
That's where the bodies are buried.
At 4:00 the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could
do under the circumstances.
Drafting Guys over 60--this is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier-
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical SOB...
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real stretch.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
This is true I wonder about why Whites are racists, and no other race is...
Proud to be White
Michael Richards makes his point...
Michael Richards better known as Kramer from TVs Seinfeld does make a good point.
This was his defense speech in court after making racial comments in his comedy act. He makes some very interesting points...
Someone finally said it. How many are actually paying attention to this? There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, etc.
And then there are just Americans. You pass me on the street and sneer in my
But when I call you, Nigger, Kike, Towel head, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink .. You call me a racist.
You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you... so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?
You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin Luther King Day.
You have Black History Month. You have Cesar Chavez Day.
You have Yom Hashoah. You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi.
You have the NAACP. You have BET... If we had WET (White Entertainment Television), we'd be racists. If we had a White Pride Day, you would call us racists.
If we had White History Month, we'd be racists.
If we had any organization for only whites to 'advance' OUR lives, we'd be racists.
We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce. Wonder who pays for that??
A white woman could not be in the Miss Black American pageant, but any color can be in the Miss America pageant.
If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships... You know we'd be racists.
There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US Yet if there were 'White colleges', that would be a racist college.
In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.
You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it.. But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.
They rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.
I am proud... But you call me a racist.
Why is it that only whites can be racists??
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to w atch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded. Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb... Tidy yerself up a bit!
Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style."
The contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to Waco , Austin ,
From there they will go on to Abilene , Fort Worth , and, finally, back to
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama,"
Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print on them are yours and contain your food. The
Remember?Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
My mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning
My mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice-pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli.
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring)-- no beach closures then.
The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not PE, and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries, but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
Flunking gym was not an option, even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.
We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.
Oh yeah .. and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.
Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.
I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front step, just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?
We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T; SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING.
1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Texas .
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Texas , plus a couple no one's seen before.
4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5. 'Onced' and 'Twiced' are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
7.'Jaw-P?' means 'Did ya'll go to the bathroom?'
8. People actually grow and eat okra.
9. 'fixinto' is one word.
10. There is no such thing as 'lunch'. There is only dinner and then there is supper.
11.Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.
12. Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.
13. The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'.
14.You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see..
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH EM.
16.. 'No. Jew?' is a common response to the question 'Did you bring any beer?'.
17. You measure distance in minutes.
18. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
19.All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
20. You know what a 'DAWG' is.
21. You carry jumper cables in your car -- for your OWN car.
22.You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Ranch and Ketchup.
23.The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and high school football.
24. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
25. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm'.
26.You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
27.Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin' Wal-Martin' or 'off to Wally World'.
28.You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather.
29. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.
2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK.
4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YO U FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.
9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
A nod to momma
Real Mothers don't eat quiche;
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils
Real Mothers often have sticky floors,
Real Mothers know that dried play dough
Real Mothers don't want to know what
Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?'
Real Mothers know that a child's growth
The Images of Mother
4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either..
16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it!
35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes,
1. "Sisters are like slinkies, completely useless, yet it's so amusing to push them down stairs." (so true)
3. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? (yeah really!?)
4. Just because your paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. (it's why i have a gun named Lorcan)
5. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. (Mwahahahahahaha)
6. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. - Oscar Wilde-(It does it's freaking hilarious)
7. With friends like these, I hope my enemies have a spare bedroom. (i would even take the attic or basement possibly even a tent in the backyard)
8. It's tourist season, so why can't I shoot them? (raises Lorcan hopefully)
9. That which doesn't kill you...will probably try again. (damn fire ants)
10. This is not something to be tossed away lightly. It should be thrown, with great force. (indeed)
11. I get plenty of exercise: jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines. (*grins*)
12. Like Daddy always said: If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit! (my father never said this though i wished he did since i would have known that trick sooner)
13. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. (and we all know what happened to the Titanic)
14. Don't play stupid with me...I'm better at it. (huh!?)
15. When life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice in the eyes of your enemies. (i can't wait to try that!)
16. When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then, sit back and watch the whole world wonder how the hell you DID that. (mmmmm grape juice)
17. What!! Is it so wrong to be attracted to the guys who want to destroy mankind?! (yes whats wrong with it they are hot!)
18. Knowledge is power, power corrupts, study hard, be evil. (*is reading a dictionary* *smirks evilly* yes come join me in this educational pursuit)
20. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. (obviously)
21. I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. - Winston Churchill. (indeed)
23. A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station... ( *insert grin here*)
24. The most dangerous enemy is that which no one fears. - Angels & Demons ( well that and ninja's)
25. Good instincts usually tell you what to do long before your head has figured it out. - Michael Burke (yes when they tell me to run i run i don't stand around trying to figure out why i need to)
26. Executing a plan takes one part patience, one part strategy, and two parts dumb luck. (indeed)
27 Now don't you stand for that! If somebody tries to kill you, you try and kill 'em right back! - Firefly (HELLYEAH!!!!!!!!!!)
28. Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them? - Abraham Lincoln (one cool president dude!)
29. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something (*nods vigorously*)
30. Whoever said sunshine brings happiness never danced in the pouring rain. (love dancing in the rain well more like standing and walking in it instead of dancing..i don't dance)
31. Rule #9: When faced with the unknown, go with your instincts. Xander: "You don't know how to kill this thing?" Buffy: "I thought I might try violence." Xander: "Solid call." (there is a good possibility that would work)
32. Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk. - Andy Gibbs (Mwahahahahahahaha...indeed)
36. The problem with defending the purity of the English Language is that English is about as pure as a crib house whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion English has perused other languages down alleyways to beat them unconcious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary. (can't argue with ya there!)
37. When you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in the combat zone. - War Laws (this also applies to family reunions.)
38. Don't stand, if you can sit - don't sit, if you can lay down - if you can lay down, you might as well take a nap. - Murphy's Law, mp(Wise words you would do well to head them)
39. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They punch, kick and choke harder too. - Murphy's Cops Laws (yup *rubs ribs in remembrance of that lesson*)
40. Dogs do not see the badge as a person of authority, they see lunch. - Murphy's Cops Laws (lol so true)
41. Never go to bed with anyone crazier then you. - Murphy's War Laws (another bit of advice you would do well to head!)
42. Incoming fire has the right of way. - War Laws (yeah i wouldn't argue with ya there just duck for cover)
43. Better to be judged by twelve, then carried by six. - Murphy's Law, mp (*bows head* not all see it this way but i agree)
44. Military Intelligence is a contradiction. - War Laws (*grins* So true!)
45. Weather ain't neutral. - War Laws (obvious to anyone living in Texas!)
46. Mines are an equal opportunity weapon. - War Laws (*nods* always walk about 5 meters behind the guy in the lead)
47. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence. - War Laws (yeah odd that)
48. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything. - War Laws (this can apply to many things throughout out life so heed this advice!)
50. We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police. (*sighs* sad but true)
51. In theory, everything works. (in theory of course *smirks*)
52. Do unto others before they do unto you. (Mwahahahahahahaha*coughcough* okay maybe i should stop the evil laughter it's hard on the throat)
53. Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible? (*Shit eating grin on face*)
54. I am not a humanitarian. I am a hell-raiser. (*Shit eating grin still on face* where the hell did that phrase come from anyway i doubt anyone eating shit would grin!?)
55. I am a peaceful person that is filled with violent rage. (kinda like water all calm one minute and the next a raging tempest my psychiatrist calls it Bi-Polar, Schizophrenia and borderline personality disorder though)
56. Keep your friends close, keep your enemies tied up with fishing wire in your basement. (I thought that was a given?)
57. Consciousness - that annoying time between naps. (indeed...don't you just love my Teal'c impression)
58. Smile - it confuses people. (no it just makes them think your up to something)
59. Life's a bitch, if it were easy it'd be a slut. (*snorts with laughter*)
60. "If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination."(stupid optimists)
61. "Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up." (hold's true for my mom)
62. "Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway" (i always look both ways mainly because of my sisters driving skills or lack there of)
63. "A conscience does not prevent sin, it only prevents you from enjoying it." (and sometimes it doesn't even do that)
64. "Never explain yourself. Your friends don't need it and your enemies won't believe it." (so true)
65. "Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals." (thank god i don't having any weddings to go to)
66. "Who cannot understand your silence, cannot understand your words." (indeed)
68. “A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.” –Herm Albrigh (Yes it's very amusing too)
69. Stress: A condition caused by repressing the body's desire to strangle the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it. (indeed)
71. I'm not Crazy. I'm psychotic. There's a difference. (my psychologist agrees)
72. My attention span is just short enough to annoy you and ignore you all at the same time. (yeah it drives my sister up the wall)
73. An essay is an attempt to explain something that could have been said in two sentences (*aggravated groan* so true oh wait i don't go to school anymore so i don't have to do essay's Nya Nya Nya Nya Nya!!!!!!!!!!)
74. I Know Violence Isn't The Answer, I Got It Wrong On Purpose (*innocent look*)
76. 'Just when you realize that life's a bitch, it has puppies.'- Adrienne E. Gusoff (this one still makes me laugh even though i have read it many times)
77. "I'm not antisocial, I just don't like you." (or anyone for that matter)
80. "Nobody controls me. I'm uncontrollable. The only one who can control me is me, and that's just barely possible." (*crosses out barely possible* *replaces it with "only sometimes possible"*)
81. "YAOISM SHOULD BE A RELIGION!" (i would so join that church!)
82. "I am a man of many words...I just choose not to use them." (despite my talkative behavior on the internet yeah it's rare to hear me speak especially with people not family)
83. "I have a desire to be great but I don't have much motivation...A bad combination." (*sigh* indeed)
84. "I see the light... and IT BURNS!!" (it really does especially in the early morning that's why i duck taped my windows to keep the light out)
85. "The hardest burden to bear is loneliness, because there's no one to help you carry it." (*frowns* indeed)
86. The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. (Mahatma Gandhi) (so true)
90. "Prejudice is a great timesaver. It enables you to form opinions without bothering to get facts." (true i however do not approve of prejudice)
91. It's not easy starting something new. Few things are more intimidating than walking into a brand new situation and having to make the best of it. (Leven Thumps and the Whispered Secret) (wise and true words)
92. "There is a time in every life when paths are chosen, character is forged." (A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray; Mary Dowd) (this quote inspired my story)
93. Prejudices are what fools use for reason. (*frowns*)
94. Sometimes "The Majority" only means all of the fools are on the same side.' (indeed)
95. 'May god have mercy on my enemies, because I sure as hell won't.' (Agreed!)
96. 'Forgive your enemies after they are slain.' (Indeed)
97. 'You tell me that I sin, You say I'm bound for hell, So once your judgment condemns you, I SHALL SEE YOU THERE.' (Hell yeah my sis said this to an old lady after i found this quote and gave it to her that would constantly tell her she was going to hell and telling her how sinful she was for having a child out of wedlock and for living with her boyfriend now common law husband)
98. ‘Travel the world, meet interesting people… and kill them for the right price’ (I'll take it what and interesting sounding job!)
99. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil ‘Because I’m the meanest son of a bitch in the valley’. (am so putting this on a shirt!)
100. Your about as useful as a Condom vending machine in the Vatican." (Love this put down so much)
102. "Look into the eyes of a wolf. See your soul reflected back. Make sure you like what you see." (you really do it's kinda creepy but awe inspiring at the same time)
103. "Call one wolf invite the pack." (this counts for people too and dogs and cats and well about anything that eats or drinks)
107. "Laws, like spider webs, catch flies and let the hawks go free." (sadly true)
108. "I don't break the rules...I bend them. Alot." - Sideswipe. (*grins and nods*)
109. "Some days I think I lost it, some days I think I found it, and some days I just wish that Fate would hand me a freakin' MAP and quit laughing!" - Ysabet. (yes please give me a map!)
110. "Jesus is coming. Look busy." (lol)
111. "Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties." (depressingly true)
112. "Retreating! Hell no, we're just attacking the other direction!" (whatever makes you feel better)
113. "I believe in dragons, fairies, good men, and other mythical creatures!" (my sister loves this quote and wants it on a shirt)
114. Percussive Maintenance: the art of whacking the crap out something to get it working again. (yes it still surprises people when this actually works)
115. "Never trust a doctor whose office plants are dying." (Agreed!!!)
116. The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on (indeed)
117. Normal people scare me...but not as much as I scare them (*laughs evilly*)
119. If I had any dignity that would have been humiliating. (*depressed sigh* yeah so true)
120. That which does not kill me had better run pretty damn fast. (though i doubt you can outrun a bullet)
121. Love your enemies. It gets them really confused. (it does it's so amusing)
122. I'm not random. You just can't think as fast as I do. (*nods*)
123. An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed. (it also gets you lawsuits and arrested for assualt)
124. You can't make a person love you. You can only stalk them and hope for the best. (just don't watch them sleep at night that's just creepy unless your a vampire then it's romantic...apparently)
125. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. (haha)
126. I'm smiling because they haven't found the bodies yet. (you gotta love coyotes they are such useful creatures.)
127. I'm the kind of person that walks into a door and apologizes. (*sigh* yes..yes i do)
128. A wise man once said, "Ask a girl." (wiser words never spoken)
129. When in doubt, push random buttons! (we have an old family friend that does this then we have to go fix her tv *sigh* irritating old woman)
130. There are three kinds of people. Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves. (i am in the last category)
131. I respect your opinion, I just think it's stupid (indeed)
132. It's not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept. (*nods sagely*)
134. A clear conscience is usually a sign of memory loss. (lol so true)
135. here are no stupid questions, just a lot of inquisitive idiots. (*depressed sigh*)
136. The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’re good (*smirks*)
137. They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room? (yeah why is that!!!??? It also got my butt whipped with a belt a lot too!!!!)
138. Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls. (*sigh* yeah...yeah i do a lot box fans, washing machine's, and refrigerators too)
139. Don't cry because it's over, smile that it happened (wise words)
140. Everyone wants to go to heaven but no one wants to die (quite the contradiction isn't it)
141. Time is a great teacher but unfortunately it kills all its pupils (lol)
143. Don't follow me... I'm lost too. (yup probably)
144. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets. (depressingly true why is that?)
146. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. (not to mention i am allergic to most fruits and vegetables you wouldn't believe the vitamin regimen i have to take to make up for that!)
147. "If violence isn't working, you obviously aren't using enough."-Anon. (Indeed!)
148. "The man who lives by the sword, gets shot by the man who doesn't."-Anon. (yeah true)
149. "Blades never need reloading."-Max Brooks (also true that's so annoying)
150. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. (*laughs evilly and strikes a menacing pose*doesn't realize i look like a complete idiot while doing so*)
151. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy. (yup pretty much)
152. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. (no kidding)
153. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. (hells yeah!)
154. Life is sexually transmitted. (LMAO)
155. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, yet you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. (*grins*pushes*proceeds to laugh myself sick* I agree it was amusing!!!!!!)
157. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. (Indeed)
158. Never mess with a guy wearing make-up. They mean business. (More wise words!!! Listen to the advice people!!!!!!!)
159. It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. (*laughs evilly again at the panic this causes*)
160. This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence. (i think i will stick with extreme violence i was never good at being subtle i don't even know how to pronounce it)
161. You say you dislike me, but deep down, you know you hate me. (what do you truly feel)
162. If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished. (it definitely lowers your credibility)
163. Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy. (*bows head* true)
164. War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left. (*bows head* agreed)
166. I've always wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my enemy to go swimming. (it's so disappointing)
167. Just because I'm a genius doesn't mean I'm required to have a lot of common sense. Or any, for that matter... ( i will never claim to be a genius but this quote amuses me more so since it is true)
168. I didn't deny it! I just didn't admit it! (i do this quite often)
169. There are two ways to argue with a woman. Neither one works. (Indeed)
170. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking. (lol agreed)
171. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue. (yeah *depressed sigh*)
173. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.. (lol so true i have gotten very good at dodging over the years through necessity)
174. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. (AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!)
175. The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. (*smirks*)
176. “Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in a authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.”—Mark Twain. (lol)
177. “A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.”—William Shakespeare. (*nods*)
179. "Don't deprive me of my addictions or I'll kill you. Seriously, I will kill you." (yes...yes i will)
184. "Murphy's law is the only true dependable thing in my life most of the time." Anita Blake (agreed)
185. "No one was shooting at me yet. I was encouraged by that." - Anita Blake (yeah so am i)
186. "Paranoia is just another word for longevity." - Anita Blake (true)
187. "Never take your eyes off the vampire in front of you to glance at the werewolf behind you. One problem at a time." Anita Blake (this can apply to many things in life)
188. "The vampires call me the Executioner, but they call Edward Death. After all, I'd never used a flamethrower on them." Anita Blake (lol i can see where they are coming from there)
189. "You don't volunteer to slugfests with vampires. It shortens your life expectancy." Anita Blake (i would imagine so)
190. I never forgave anyone for anything. A character flaw to be sure, but hell, everyone's got to have one." Anita Blake (heh yeah true for me too)
191. "Killing I understand. Relationships confuse me." Anita Blake (I don't know about killing so much as fighting but it does apply to me as well)
192. "I'm your bodyguard. If you die under my protection the other bodyguards will make fun of me." Edward to Anita (love this quote)
193. "Once you get me angry I usually stay there. I enjoy my anger, it's the only hobby I have." Anita Blake (i am glad i have learned to let go of my anger over the years it's so exhausting)