Author has written 52 stories for Bleach, Black Cat, Negima! Magister Negi Magi/魔法先生ネギま！, D.Gray-Man, Avatar: Last Airbender, Harry Potter, iCarly, Psyren, Haruhi Suzumiya series, Deadman Wonderland/デッドマン・ワンダーランド, Naruto, Vampire: The Masquerade, Kuroshitsuji, Teen Titans, Manhwa/Korean Comics/만화, Black Lagoon, and Legend of Korra.
I hate writing about myself. But, I like anime, manga, Dungeons and Dragons, World of Darkness, writing fanfictions (obviously), and horror movies, and reading. I know that reading isn't nearly as popular as it used to be, but it should be.
I also like making strange pairings in fanfictions, and hate people with no imagination for such things. To be perfectly blunt, if you can't appreciate a strange pairing, then you have no business reading such a fanfic to begin with. Stick with your Ichi/Himes and your Allen/Lenalees. That being said, I have nothing against traditional pairings, except maybe some that involve characters that I just personally don't like. That has less to do with the pairing, though, and more to do with the fact that I just don't like that freakin' character.
Especially Itsuki Koizumi. I'd kinda like to know what his real personality is like, and for him to stop hiding behind a mask. That being said, I could see myself liking Koizumi a bit more if he was a bit less facetious. With that, I'm good at English, as you may have noticed from my fanfics... And I'm bad at math, chemistry, physics, and anything that involves math.
Pairings/fanfics to do.
Bleach: IchigoxMashiro, IchigoxTatsuki, IchigoxRiruka, IchigoxNozomi, IchigoxSenna, IchigoxNeliel, IchigoxRukia, IchigoxKarin (Don't ask. It's a lark), Soi FonxYoruichi, UraharaxYoruichi, ToshiroxKarin, KyorakuxNanao, UryuxNemu, UryuxOrihime, TatsukixOrihime, HanataroxRin, UkitakexUnohana, JintaxYuzu, JintaxUruru
Psyren: AgehaxAmamiya, ShaoxMarie, FredricaxMarie, KagetoraxMatsuri, one with No. 7 in it, JunasxCaprico, MirokuxOC, and any that totally trashes Madoka Kuraki (God I hate that bitch!! I dunno... She only made like two appearances in the manga, but I already want to throttle her.)
Danny Phantom: DannyxSam… Possibly others.
Witch Hunter Robin: RobinxAmon
Elfen Lied: KohtaxLucy, NanaxKurama, BandoxMayu.
Hellsing: AlucardxSeras, Rip Van WinklexSchrodinger, Rip Van WinklexHans, HansxSchrodinger
D.Gray Man: AllenxLenaleexRoadxLou Fa (Basically a crack fic where they all gang up and jump him)
Naruto: NarutoxHinata, SakuraxLee, SasukexSakura, NejixTen Ten, NagatoxKonan, ShikamaruxTemari, KonohamaruxHanabi, KakashixAnko, KimimaroxTayuya, ShikamaruxShiho, ShikamaruxTemari, ChojixIno, GaaraxOC, SasukexKarin, BoltxSarada
Artemis Fowl: ArtemisxMinerva, ArtemisxHolly, maybe ArtemisxJuliet if I’m in the mood… Not sure.
Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya: KyonxYuki, KyonxHaruhi (not my favorite pairing, but I’ve never done it before, so alas…), KyonxTsuruya (That could be hilarious), KoizumixHaruhi
Mysterious Benedict Society: ReyniexKate, StickyxOC
Fruits Basket: TohruxKyo, TohruxSaki, TohruxArisa, KurenoxArisa, YukixMachi, KakeruxKomaki, AyamexMine, ShigurexAkito, HatorixMayu, HatsuharuxRin, HiroxKisa, RitsuxMitsuru
A-Channel: RunxTooru (God! That would be such an adorable pairing!)
Noblesse: RaixSeira, ShinwooxSeira, RaixRaskreia
Ability: Yu WaxYe Rin
Black Lagoon: RockxRevy, RockxYukio, RockxFrederica, RockxShenhua, RockxLi Xinlin, BennyxJane
Black Cat: Trainx(Older) Eve
Kuroshitsuji: BardxMaylene, CielxLizzie, CielxSieglinde, Lizzie Sieglinde, CielxLizziexSieglinde
Pandora Hearts: OzxAlice (so cute), OzxEcho, GilxAda, BreakxSharon, and pretty much any that kills or otherwise trashes Vincent... I gotta say... I just don't like him.
A Certain Scientific Railgun: ToumaxMisaka
A Certain Magical Index: ToumaxIndex
Jack The Ripper: Hell Blade: JackxSherlock Holmes (Spoilers included in that pairing)
Bamboo Blade: TamakixYuji, TamakixKirino
Chuunibiyou Demo Koi Ga Shitai: YuutaxRikka, MakotoxKumin
Say I Love You: YamatoxMei
Avatar: The Last Airbender: TophxAang, Ty LeexAzula, ZukoxJin
Legend of Korra: KorraxAsami, BolinxOpal
Wreck-It-Ralph: Ralphx(Older) Vanellope
Daria: DariaxJane (Idea for such a fanfic. Jane's Addiction)
Deadman Wonderland: GantaxShiro, MakinaxKyoko, YohxMinatsuki
Eden of the East: TakizawaxSaki
Big Hero 6: HiroxGogo, maybe others
FANFICTION- UNITED NATIONS!! Has anyone else noticed how a lot of us get along and make friends on here and we can be from completely different countries? WTF!? We're here making world peace on the INTERNET and we have all those ambassadors and senators and whatever struggling with it!! If you realize this (or read this and agreed) copy and paste this and add your name and country (country is optional) to the list. SPREAD THE PEACE!!: Naruto-fan-Okami-chan (USA), NaraTemari011 (Puerto Rico), Lala girl in Lalaland (USA), Kakashi Forever (England), ChiyoChiyamamoto (USA), Crazy-Monkey13 (USA), Luppi-tan (USA)
STOP THE PAIRING WARS!: By copying and pasting this in your profile, you vow to respect other pairings and people that like them. You shall not insult them, explain why they can't be together, or say that they would rather be with someone else. You admit that doing the opposite, you institute a high level of immaturity into your being. You shall have your opinions but shall not insult pairings. You shall avoid them if you hate them. You shall keep an open mind about stories even if you despise the pairing. You shall not flame others for pairings you despise.
In Of Noahs and Exorcists, I made a mistake in the third chapter. I was suspicious when I wrote it, thinking, I know that can't be right, but bourgeoisie is the noble class, whereas the proletariat is the wage earning class. I made the mistake twice in the chapter, using the word in the incorrect context, and then defining it incorrectly at the bottom. Now I feel completely stupid, English having always been my strong suit.
OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
RIP We shall remember
One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, 'Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd.' I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.
As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes. My heart went out to him.
So, I jogged over to him as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, 'Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives.'
He looked at me and said, 'Hey thanks!'
There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before.
We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends. He said yes.We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him.
Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, 'Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!' He just laughed and handed me half the books.
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were seniors we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown and I was going to Duke.
I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor and I was going for business on a football scholarship. Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak.
Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous!
Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, 'Hey, big guy, you'll be great!' He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. 'Thanks,' he said.
As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began, 'Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach... but mostly your friends... I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story.' I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home.
He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. 'Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable.' I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment.
I saw his Mom and Dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.
Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person's life. For better or for worse. God puts us all in each others lives to impact one another in some way. Look for God in others.
You now have two choices, you can : 1) Put this on your profile or 2) Forget you read this and act like it didn't touch your heart. As you can see, I took choice number 1.
My name is Sarah
I must be stupid,
I wish I were better,
I can't speak at all,
When I awake I'm all alone
When my Mommy does come
Don't make a sound!
I hear him curse
I try and hide
He finds me weeping
He slaps me and hits me
He's already locked it
I fall to the floor
"I'm sorry!" I scream
The hurt and the pain
And he finally stops
My name is Sarah
How to tell if you're a (good) writer...
1. If you constantly talk to yourself.
2. If you talk to yourself about talking to yourself
3. If, when you talk to yourself, you sometimes speak as if talking to another person
4. If, after uttering a profound piece of wisdom like that above, you stare at the cookie in your hand in awe and say, Wow, this is good stuff for sugar highs!
5. If you live off of sugar and caffeine.
6. If people start to notice that you tend to check your e-mail every day for a week, then suddenly disappear off the face of the planet.
7. If you know what writer's block is.
8. If your e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random, or full of critisism.
9. If, when replying to someone elses e-mail, you are sometimes so random that you fail to address the original message altogether.
10. If you tend to collect the Bic Stics people leave lying around, kind of like picking pennies off the ground.
11. If, no matter where you are in your room, you never have to so much as get up to reach a pen/pencil and paper.
12. If the letters are starting to wear off on the keys of your keyboard.
13. If you memorized your keyboard.
14. If people think you might have A.D.D.
15. If you think itd be cool to have A.D.D.
16. If you have a grudge against Mary-sue's...even though you wrote a story with one in the past.
17. If you know what a Mary-sue is.
18. If you think about making lists like this, and start giggling for no apparent reason.
19. If your friends don’t even bother to look funny at you anymore when you start giggling for no apparent reason.
20. If you go crazy over simple spelling/ grammar errors.
21. If you don't like criticism, although you are a critic yourself.
22. If you tend to dream about your stories at night.
23. If you write stories based on your dreams.
24. If you can recite the alphabet backwards.
25. If you start constantly talking in third person, past tense.
26. If you can type/ write fast. REALLY fast.
27. If you write 1000-word rough drafts for your story, then erase it and write something totally different for the final.
28. If you know basic writer terms (ex: beta-, canon, lemon...etc.)
29. If you know what 'etc' really means, and know the elongated written version of it...
30. And finally, the number one way to tell if you’re a good writer: If you failed English 101.
And here's something concerning 'REVIEWS', which I copied from 'TheVoidKing'-
Writers- all of them, from famous authors to subtle FF writers- ALL depend on the feedback from our readers. Vision Dominican brought up an interesting albeit tragically true idea:
"Lack of reviews is the greatest killer of fan fic writers out there. We at the institute wish to let the public know of how they can pitch in to save our dying writers.
1) Drop a review every other chapter. It may not seem like much, but reviews are actually what many of us want to see. That, and hits. Hits do make us happy but we don't really know if people like our story or not.
2) Visit our author page. Those kind of hits really make us happy. It's where we showcase our entourage of friends, beta readers, and stories. Some of us even tidy up with set areas for upcoming story ideas and character bios.
3) Send an email. While normally I'd prefer a review, emails are just as good. Really, it warms my heart to communicate with another reader or writer."
What you call being "too lazy to review" is what we call "a flame to the pages" as the writers. That one minute or two that you felt "too lazy" to review is another minute of creeping discouragement that all writers feel as they begin to think...
"Why am I even here…?"
"What's even the point of continuing?"
"My skills must be terrible…no one cares for my story…"
"I'll never be a good writer...I quit."
These are only a few thoughts that go through every writer's head- that go through MY head- when we put out a chapter / story with all our heart and soul within, and we sit there…and sit…and wait…and not a single person says even a word.
If you're not a writer, you have NO IDEA how much that hurts…
If you ARE a writer, then I'm sure you know just how great it feels when someone is kind enough to leave a heartwarming and encouraging review, and you read it, smiling while thinking…"Wow…fuck...I did it…"
So, why not give fellow writers the same luxury here?
Too many times I've seen epic and utterly beautiful works of literary art fall to pieces before finally being abandoned due to the terrible discouragement that the lack of reviews can cause.
Sometimes, it is so severe that the very writer himself decides to quit, denying the world his skills of writing that I'm it would have deeply enjoyed.
Just one minute, that's all it takes. Just a few gentle taps of the fingers on your keyboard, a few seconds or so of your time, and your words can SAVE a writer from a dark demise.
Do me a favor: Go find a story, ANY story, anywhere here on Fanfic,net, and see if you can help it. If it has very little / no reviews at all, just check it out, and say whatever comes to mind.
And enjoy the thought in mind that you could have just SAVED that story, with just a few taps of the keyboard…
Also, as a writer, remember to show your appreciation for those reviews you received; even the bad ones help you in your journey of improvement and they can be the most encouraging, since you'd surely feel that you need to prove them wrong by getting better in the things you failed.
Ignore those that just review to flame a story because of 'coupling' and different ideas of what should have happened or what happened and you interpreted differently; defend your point of view and ideas, don't become a writer that lets him/herself be dragged around, stay firm on your ground and ignore them while you keep on doing what you like- Kuroyagi's words.
If you agree with what I have said then please copy and paste any part of this story you wish onto your profile. Modify it in any way you see fit; there is no need to use my exact words. You make it say what you want it to say.
This answer to a college chemistry exam was sent to me recently and restores my faith in the new generation of college students. The answer was purportedly in response to the bonus question on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm: “Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?”
Here is the student’s answer:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct….. …leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’
If you grew up in the 90's you've gotta read this!!!
Anybody under the age of 13 should not read this.
Just because you were born in '97 doesn't mean you're a 90's kid.
It's not like you could remember the original Simpsons. I am sorry but three conscious years of the 90's just wont cut it.
You're a 90's kid if:
You remember watching Doug, Ren & Stimpy, Pinky and the Brain , and Two Stupid Dogs.
AAAAAAAH real monsters.
You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!
You just cant resist finishing this... "Iiiiiiin west philladelphia born and raised..."
You remember TGIF on ABC. Step by Step, Family Matters, Dinosaurs, and Boy Meets World.
You remember when, 2Pac and Selena died.
You remember when it was actually worth getting up early
You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
You remember reading "Goosebumps"
You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.
You remember the craze, then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books.
You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence...Not...
You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record "Your FAVORITE song of ALL time"
Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? was both a game and a TV game show.
Captain Planet. He's a Hero.
You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green Ranger were meant to be together.
You remember when super nintendo's and Sega Genisis became popular.
You always wanted to send in a tape to America's Funniest Home Videos... but never taped anything funny.
You remember watching home alone 1, 2 , and 3...and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"
You remember watching The Magic School Bus, Wishbone, and Reading Rainbow on PBS.
You remember when Yomega Yo-Yos were cool.
when you were grown up when you turned 7, cuz you could watch are you afraid of the dark because it was tvY7!
You remember those Where's Waldo books..
You remember when Mortal Kombat Was "Da Bomb"!
U remember eating Warheads.(those sour candys)
You remember watching the 1st Batman, Aladin, Ninja Turtles, and 3 Ninjas movies.
U remember Ring Pops.
U remember drinkin' Fruitopia and Surge.
if you memeber when every thing was "da BOMB"
when they made the new lunchables so that you could make tacos and pizza!!
You remember boom boxes vs. cd players
Writing M.A.S.H. notes. (and the twenty different versions of that)
Making those little paper fortune cookie things.. and then predicting your life with them.
You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell"
You played and/or collected "Pogs"
You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhere
You haven't always had a computer, and it was cool to have the internet.
And Windows 95 was the best.
You watched the original cartoons of Rugrats, Power Rangers,and Ninja Turtles.
You had a favorite New Kid on the block, and you knew all of there names
Michael Jordan was a king.
Yikes pencils and erasers were the stuff!
All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.(pencils.notebooks.binders.etc.)
You remember when the new Beanie Babies and talking Elmo were always sold out.
You collected those Beanie Babies.
Carebears and The Gummy Bear show.
Gak was the coolest thing invented.
Lambchop's song never ended.
The old dollar bills.
Silver dollars, were cool that have.
You remember a time before the WB.
You collected all the Troll dolls wiht the bright hair
You owned a portable tape player.
If you even know what an original walkman is.
You remember wanting to sit on the orange Nickelodeon couch.
You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"
You know the Macarena by heart.
"Talk to the hand" ... enough said
You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"
You know the significance of the number 23.
You went to McD's to play in the playplace.
You remember playing on merry go rounds...at the play ground.
When we were younger:
Before the MySpace frenzy...
Before the Internet & text messaging...
Before Sidekicks & iPods...
Before MIKE JONES...
Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX...
Before Sponge Bob
When light up sneakers were cool.
When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.
When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing.
When we recorded stuff on VCRs .
When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans.
When 2Pac and Biggie where alive.
When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever.
when it was all about Nintendo64.
when you had a wind breaker w/bright colored sleeves
when you collected pokemon cards
Before we realized all this would eventually disappear
Who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!!!!!
The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No," and shoot him. On second thought, I'll shoot him, then say, "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet, civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large, red button labeled, "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisers will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of a cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 1:17 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence, "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisers, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mindset.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line, "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colours, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harbouring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, naked mole rat, or whatever sickeningly-cute, little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of scepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say, "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an adviser says to me, "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?" I will reply, "This," and kill the adviser.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artefact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says, "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!", I will say, "Oh well," and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However, before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artefacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child adviser will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisers ask, "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a fire fight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment Room.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super-weapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisers assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old adviser can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror, "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be, "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the twelve Stones of Power on the sacred altar, then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of, "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I capture the hero's super-weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?
Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)
Death is hereditary.
There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.
An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.