Author has written 44 stories for Naruto, Death Note, Harry Potter, and Bleach.
Physical appearance: Wouldn't you like to know...
Age: Why should I tell you?
B- Day: 14th Oct.
Personality: The wierdest, freakiest, noisiest, alien type human that has invaded Earth... YOU EARTH SCUMS... I WILL CONTROL YOU ALL ONE DAY... just wait and SEE.. MY plans of invasion are PERFECT, PERFECT I SA Y!! Ya, My friends sometimes say I'm an alien. Eventually, I came to believe that. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA...
Intrests: Skinning ppl alive. ITS HILARIOUS "looks around" what...??
Well, reading books, listening to music, annoying ppl really fun, and well creating plans on how to invade Earth. Also writting fanfiction, and reading it. Basically reaking havoc appon the wrld. WOOHOO... real fun.
Fav books, artists, and that shit: Anime: Naruto, Full Metal Alchemist, Death Note, Hikaru no Go, and Dragon Ball Z, and Sailor Moon, Love Hina, Fruit Baskets, Blood , and Gundam Seed, Princess Tutu, Elemental Gelade, Bleach, Bosou Renkin and many others
Simple Plan, Sum 41, Blink 182, Angels & Airwaves, Good Charlottle, Funeral for a Friend, Offspring, a few bands I forgot. I listen to all types of music.
Solo music artists: Eminem, Kelly Clarkson, Nelly Furtado, and others, both girl and boy... OOOHHH OHH... pick me PICK Me...
What was i gonna say... ohh what was i gonna say "starts jumping up and down hitting herself on the head"
(Think of Hami from "Over the Hedge")
Least Fav things: being misunderstood for a very unserious person. It annoys me because, I'm NOT stupid, i just like to laugh. Make me angry and you pay. Ask Hyperactive Hinata, we go to school together. Also read Harun's myspace. I have no idea what his URL is, so just search him up when u go on MySpace. Something like that when I'm angry.
Fav couples: Let's see... umm dont really have any. I think that Sakura isn't bad with anyone, or any other girl, besides Hinata, with anyone besides Naruto, Kiba and Shino. I mean GaaraxHinata is just WRONG. So his HinataxNeji. THEY ARE COUSINS PPL...Okay Ino and Naruto... uhhh NOOO!! other than that, only Neji TenTen. Everything else I'm fine with.
Least fav couples... I just mentioned that.
What else to say... READ and REVIEW... please...
here's my MSN: miana(underscore)rules(underscore)firstname.lastname@example.org
I love Gaara, yet I can't copy and paste this heart that says I love Gaara on it. If someone knows how, please PM me!! Arigato!!
If you know someone who should get run over by a bus, copy this into your profile.
If the person you know that should get run over by a bus does get hit but survives,copy this into your profile.
If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa copy this into your profile...
If you have ever run into a door, copy this into your profile. If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.
For me, crazy is a loose term. Crazy is when you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you just what you find so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour long sob-fest, then start singing and dancing when your favorite song plays. Crazy is when you do or say a totally random thing, like "do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?" or start having a thumbwar with yourself (i find that i am a very tough opponent). So if you're crazy, copy this onto your profile.
A true friend is someone who will try to answer the "eraser bits" question and have a long conversation about it. A friend is someone who wont say anything when you cry for no reason, but will start sobbing too, just help you cry. If you have a true friend, copy and paste this in your profile.
If you and your friends have a nickname, title, or anything else for each other, copy and paste this in your profile.
If you've ever wondered what you are like in another dimension, copy and paste this in your profile.
If you have ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of you because of its effects copy this into your profile
There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree, copy this and put it in your profile. Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list. AnimeKittyCafe, Hyperactivley Bored, Gem W, Bara-Minamino, Yavie Aelinel, IwuvMyKenshyPoo, Heidiplease, iNsOmNiAc BiLlIe JoE lOvEr, Black Panther Warrior, kailover 2006, Iluvbeyblade, Amongst-Azarath, that-british-guy, Teh Crazy Bizarro Arineko, YankeeFan2, Psyduck Ranger, Starfighter364, Emblem Master, MissingExodus, Gosurori Otaku, Kaiseress,SharinganWarriorTribute,sasukerules.org, Gaara-Ino4ever
If you have ever fallen up a flight of stairs, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list. AnimeKittyCafe, (actually I have) Hyperactivley Bored, Gem W, Bara-Minamino, Tsuyu Mikazuki (I do all the time!), WeaselChick, Celyna ( i fall up the steps to school every time i go up them... sadly...) EverD, (When I did it, my friends said I defied physics. I don't know why though...) Eidolon Twilight Princess (My friends said the exact same thing EverD's did... did we really defy pyshics?), MissingExodus (Yeah, I was late after I did that. My physics teacher was out of it the whole class period. He was muttering something about 'stupid teens defying the laws of physics'.) Gosurori Otaku (And I didn't even know it was POSSIBLE), Kaiseress (YES, I'M A SPAZ, DARNIT!! lucky Zane, i bet HE'S never clumsy. ah, well, love him anyway),SharinganwarriorTribute('),sasukerules.org(i have done it AT LEAST 1,347 times i have many issues just ask SharinganwarriorTribute) Gaara-Ino4ever (I have fallen down a flight of stairs so many times, my friends wonder how come I haven't died, or even broken anything.)
If you think that those stupid kids should just give that God-forsaken Trix rabbit some Trix, copy this into your profile.
92 percent American teens would die if Abecrombie and Fitch told them it uncool to breathe. Copy this into your profile if you would be in the 8 percent laughing their ass off at the others.
Put this in your profile if you didn't know the Alphabet Song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Baa Baa Black Sheep had the same tune, and were all composed by Mozart.
If you hate those irritating mosquitos giving you mosquito bites, copy this in your profile.
I'm bored...If you're bored then paste this in your profile and let the world know you have nothing to do...
If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you think that those kids should just give up and let Lucky have his stupid cereal back, copy this into your profile.
If your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer
You know when you live in 2006 when...
1.) You accidentaly enter your password on a microwave.
2.) You haven't played solitare with real cards for years
3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they don't have a screenname or Myspace
4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV
6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.
7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.
8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends...
9.) ...and you were too busy to notice number 5.
10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.
Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly. Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did.
If you know a video game/book/movie/anime/manga character or weapon that need(s) to exist, copy and paste this into your profile, add your name, and say what it is in parentheses. Kaiseress (ZANE TRUESDALE!)SharinganwarriorTribute(KAKASHI HATAKE!see username...)sasukerules.org(who the heck do you think it is?...of course it would be Sasuke!!) Gaara-Ino4ever(hmm... uhhhhhh i know... Hami from "Over the Hedge")
If you hug cute toys when no one's looking, paste this to your profile.
If you get a kick out of explosions, copy and paste this to your profile. (BOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!)
If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for absolutely no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.
If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile.
If you're easily confussed or confuzzled add this to your profile.
If, for no warning, you have laughed during a movie part that wasn't funny, put this in your profile.
If you have ever run into a tree, copy this to your profile!
If you have ever gotten so completely sidetracked in a conversation that you don't remember why you were talking in the first place, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever zoned out for more than five consecutive minutes, copy this into your profile.
If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile.
You're just jealous because the voices in my head talk to me and not you.
I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it. Gaara-Ino4ever(I actually have this on my wall)
If you are insane, enjoying every second, and proud of it, copy this and paste it into your profile.
Fear not the darkness, merely what it hides.
No trespassing, violators will be shot, and survivors will be shot again.
It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn't take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face.
If you always stop to smell the roses, sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
Recent studies show that 92 percent of teenagers have moved on to rap. If you're part of the 8 percent that has stayed loyal to either rock or metal, put this in your profile.
copy and paste this if you like the most annoying songs in the world(hampster dance, Numa Numa song, crazy frog)personally i love these songs but i dodn't know what categorey music they would be
copy and paste this if you think the people who DON'T like those songs are weird(even though you are the weird one)
copy and paste this if in your spare time you throw peanut butter at pigeons(you don't really have to but if you think about it, its must be hilarious)
copy and paste this if every time you see a bird you scream" Hey birdy birdy, hey Mr. birdie hey hey!Mr. birdie (Gaara-Ino4ever- I actually did it in school once... ya... hilarious, but bad experience... the bird pooped on me)
copy and paste this if you know someone who is afraid of the Keebler Elves(the elves that make cookies in trees)
copy and paste this if you think sasuke.org's profile is to long
copy and paste his if you think the following quesions are funny copy and paste this if you think the following questions are stupid and have no point to them these are random questions i got from a quiz on suta-raito.com(go to that website if you would like to do the quiz)
1) Some idiot tries to break into your bathroom.You:
Lock the bathroom door.= )
Depends...what if they just need to go?
Is...this based on what i did yesterday?
Threaten you have a killer tiger with you
Scream and start chanting: DOOM ON YOU
2)You eat butter with:
Um i eat butter...with toast...
A spoon maybe I don't eat it i throw it at houses
3) You found a penny on the ground.You:
Sell it to an old lady for 5 pennies
Poke it with a dog's tail.
Steal it. Even though you found it...
4) which activity would you rather do...
hang out with BFS(best friends)
throw peanut butter at pigions(that comes up once again)
hide from the scary creatures in the outside world
sell overpriced candy to little kids
lay back and relax
(this is the 5th and final question) How many fingers am i holding up?
You're scaring me
Okay so... WHO WaNtS CoooooooooooKIIIIESSSS... and chocolate milk...
(Gaara-Ino4ever cracks up laughing... for no particualr reason... the goes and hugs her Gaara-Raccoon toy... ITS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ADORABLE... I also have one where he's wearing a panda suit...)
IF ANYONE FINDS WHAT IS BELOW THESE WORDS OFFENSIVE PLEASE SEND ME A MESSAGE SO I KNOW TO REMOVE IT!! THANK YOU!!
101 Ways To Be Annoying
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that youll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someones roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someones shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computers mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you dont want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim its a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesnt rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other peoples parties.
102. Use 102 instead of 101 for your lists.
(c) 1996, Wit Publishing, Inc. _
I am sorry if anyone finds what is below offensive. If you want me to take it off my profile send me a message. i just thought it was funny so i posted it.
The SHIT List
1. GHOST SHIT: The kind that you feel the SHIT comes out but there is no SHIT in the toilet.
2. CLEAN SHIT: The kind where you SHIT it out, see it in the toilet, but there's nothing on the toilet paper.
3.WET SHIT:The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped. so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you wont ruin them with the stain.
4. SECOND WAVE SHIT: This happens when you are done SHIT-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to SHIT some more.
5. POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD SHIT: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
6. LINCOLN LOG SHIT: The kind of SHIT that is so huge you are afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush first. 7.
GASSY SHIT: It's so noisy that everyone within earshot is giggling.
8. DRINKING SHIT: The kind of SHIT you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
9. CORN SHIT: Self-explanatory.
10. GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-SHIT, SHIT: The kind where you want to SHIT but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
11. SPINAL TAP SHIT: Where it hurts so badly coming out of your butt, you swear it was leaving you sideways.
12. WET CHEEKS SHIT: (The power dump): The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
13. LIQUID SHIT: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
14. MEXICAN SHIT: It smells so bad, your nose burns.
15. UPPER-CLASS SHIT: The kind of SHIT that doesn't smell.
16. DANGLING SHIT: This SHIT refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
17. SURPRISE SHIT: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you're about to fart, but ooops!! --a SHIT. _
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what a great service you are getting.
BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying to much for the AT&T virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack--once if by LAN twice if by C:\
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Prbably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each one does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (Plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin error.)
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh, no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail?" message.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. ADAM AND VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erractically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FRUEDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your program stops every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks. J
IMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK: Invades your system in places where no viruses have gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for 4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense."
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back.
RABBI VIRUS: Prevents your computer from working from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday-and finally snips the end off your power cord."
SAM NUNN-FOR-PRESIDENT VIRUS: Your computer simply refuses to run."
BILL BRADLEY VIRUS: Your computer's logic board gets fed up and quits out of the system."
GERALDO VIRUS: Coats your screen with a slime that even Windex 95 can't remove."
MELROSE PLACE VIRUS: Every Monday night your computer runs a bunch of stupid self-referential subroutines that look great but lead nowhere."
If anyone finds what is below offensive, or anything above, please send me a message so i can delete it.
Men vs. Women
On the subject of men: I've been a member of the gender for 24 years. I've stumbled through many of the stages of becoming a man, including wildly irregular voice changes at the age of 12, acne attacks in my teens, major crushes on girls who still do not know I am alive and periods of time when I knocked over or broke everything in sight because I had grown seven inches in four days.
Regarding women: You could take what I know about women and place this information in a hollowed-out walnut shell, and still have room left for a network executive's brain. But that has not stopped me from observing, questioning, applauding, admiring, and wondering about women.
One basic truth: Men and women are different. Now, this may seem a little simplistic, but the fact is, for a period of about six months in 1973, it was very fashionable to believe that we were all persons first, and members of our gender second. This, of course, was so much hooey.
We are different -- in our habits, and in the way we react to environmental stimuli and the way we spend our leisure time; and we are especially different when it comes to our attitudes regarding relationships. My personal observations have uncovered many significant differences between men and women.
First of all, a man does not call a relationship. He refers to it as a romance, or a period of dating, of going out, or, in some unfortunate circumstances, "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis."
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry, and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men are Morons." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. For six months, his ex may not hear from him, but then, at three on Saturday night/Sunday morning, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total bch. But I want to let you know there's always a chance for us."
This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call. Ninety-nine percent of all men past the age of 21 have made this call at least once. Some men make a career of these calls. There are community colleges that offer extension courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
Women prefer 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 45 seconds of foreplay, less if at all possible. For the man, driving back to her place is considered a part of foreplay.
Women mature at a much faster rate than men. Most 17 year old females can function as adults. Most 17 year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.
Women look good in hats; men look like idiots.
A woman knows how to shop for groceries. She makes a list of the things she needs, and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man does not shop on a frequent basis. He waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are an opened can of Schlitz and a half a lime. Then he goes grocery shopping. A man buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10 items or less lane.
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Naked men elicit laughter from women.
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary, and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.
A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical American women's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve themselves. Women's Restrooms always have long lines.
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready, as soon as she finds her other earring, makes one phone call and finishes putting on her makeup.
CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
SHOES When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip in Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in A Chorus Line.
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface, mirrors, spoons, store window, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and hopes and dreams.
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the figures is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dirk, Clint, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to one another as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out 4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Women do the laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were really hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatsuit inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of dirty clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat, but this is only a myth perpetuated by old reruns of Love American Style.
Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedy's is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.
When reminiscing about weddings women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all American. Male cheerleaders are scary.
Men are sensible about socks. They wear argyle socks or standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks with pictures of clouds on them. Socks that are cut way below their ankles. Socks that have little fuzzy balls on the back.
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
For women their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in Gone With the Wind. For men it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit in may Clark's face in Public Enemy.
NUDITY IN MOVIES
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
JEWELRY Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
THE MOST IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE OF ALL
Colored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides solid white.
Like i said before, if anyone finds it offensive tell me, but then be honest, isn't it HILARIOUS!!
Is it just me or is Gaara really hot? If you think he is copy this and put it into your profile and add your name to the list. UNITE GAARA LOVERS!! GaaraandAikoforever, LoveShinobi4eva, Silver Element,BlueSkyHeIs it just me or is Gaara really hot? If you think he is copy this and put it into your profile and add your name aven, Ketsueki Senshoku, Gaara's Pyro RACCOON, Gaarasminestayaway, .Faking.This.Smile, Lilly, Jay Jay, StormofSilver, inspired122, Kasumi18, Rawr I'm Gonna Eat You, Missyserena214, Truth of a Thousand Lies
Did you know...
kissing is healthy.
bananas are good for period pain.
it's good to cry.
chicken soup actually makes you feel better.
94 percent of boys would love it if you sent them flowers.
lying is actually unhealthy.
you really only need to apply mascara to your top lashes.
it's actually true, boys DO insult you when they like you.
89 percent of guys want YOU to make the first move.
it's impossible to apply mascara with your mouth closed.
chocolate will make you feel better.
most boys think it's cute when you say the wrong thing.
a good friend never judges.
a good foundation will hide all hickeys... not that you have any.
boys aren't worth your tears.
we all love surprises.
Now... make a wish.
Wish REALLY hard!!
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