Well, since it seems pretty sad to have absolutely nothing here, I'll just say I love reading more than writing so there's little chance of anything more than my story from high school being put up here. I do hope you enjoy my favorites though. : )

0o0o0 If you like Naruto, Friendship Story by Letta is a really fun crack story that's mostly worth reading. It made me smile. Also

Scorpius Malfoy and the Improbable Plot is another great crack-fic, but also has the plus of having a plot! Almost every story by Opalish is worth reading in my opinion. : ) 0o0o0

I've read quite a few stories over the years, but some lines in some stories just stand out the most; here are some of my favorite quotes:

“Couldn’t you also make food?” Neji asked, raising his voice so Ed could hear him over the shouting, chattering maids, who were excessively happy about regaining the opportunity to turn down sheets and clean bathrooms.

“I could, but it doesn’t taste very good,” Ed said.

“That part I understand,” Tenten said. “But I want to know what the hell you plan to do with the 10,000 hotel pillow mints they’re trading you.”

“I plan to give up brushing my teeth,” Ed said.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

“Sorry kid, I don’t know any ninja and I try to keep it that way.”

“Aw!” Naruto said. “How come you don’t like ninja?”

“I didn’t say I didn’t like them,” the teenager said. “I’m just trying to stay out of trouble, and ninja and trouble are synonymous in this country.”

“What’s synonymous?” Naruto asked.

“It means the same thing.”

“The same thing as what?” Naruto asked.

The teenager sighed again. “If I buy you food, will you stop talking?”

“Uh…sure!” Naruto said.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

He tried to picture a way to get them back. What kind of stunt could he pull that would affect only their military?

I could burn down the ugly sandal factory. That would show those crazy toe exhibitionists.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Yeah!” Naruto said. “He’s my friend, but he won’t answer any questions that the security jerks are asking, so they won’t let him out. But he’s mad and all he does is curse and stuff. They threaten him and he won’t say anything. They tried to bribe him and stuff, but he doesn’t care, but if he doesn’t say something soon, it’s just going to get worse.”

“Maybe you should get a pretty girl to ask him,” Ino suggested. “Guys usually talk too much around pretty girls they want to impress.”

“That’s a great idea! Hey Ino, do you know any pretty girls?”

The killing intent washed over him, and for once he was quick enough on the uptake.

Naruto gulped. “I’d ask you, but…heh heh….you’re busy with your flowers and stuff. Did I mention I’m sorry that I almost jumped on your head?” Naruto said. “And that you’re pretty.”

-The Truth Decays

Naruto and his clones had been tearing at the creature for the better part of an hour, but the results were not impressive. Naruto's knives were getting very dull, and the dragon was covered in hundreds of little wounds, which probably were the equivalent of paper cuts. He supposed it might eventually bleed to death or get an infection, but not before the day was up.

For the thousandth time, Naruto wished Kakashi had taught him some offensive jutsu. That lightning blade that his sensei had accidently run through Haku's chest in Wave country would've done the dragon serious harm. He frowned as his imaginary self stabbed his arm into the dragon's side. His arm went in up to the shoulder, and stuck. Then the dragon rolled over and crushed him. Maybe he was better off without the chidori.

Maybe if he could drive it crazy enough, he could convince it to run off a cliff, but he'd have to get it up the cliff to begin with. Or maybe he could get one of his clones to crawl down its throat and try to chop it up from the inside. He looked over at the nearest clone and tried to communicate the idea. The clone pretended it couldn't hear him. Naruto glared.

-A Village Hidden in Hope

"Why don't you just go looking like Ed?" Hermione suggested. "That'll throw them off for a while."

"No!" Ed said. "I've had enough of people pretending to be me! Messing up my reputation-"

"You don't have a reputation here," Ron said. "What do you care, anyway? You're leaving as soon as the cylinder thing is working again."

"It still bugs me," Ed growled.

"I'm sure Draco will behave," Hermione said. "Besides, your brother can keep an eye on him."

"Plus we can put fake metal over his dark mark, like Ed's arm," Harry said.

"It's the wrong arm," Ed pointed out.

"Nobody will notice," Harry said, waving dismissively.

"They'll have to shrink him a lot," Ron said.

Ed kicked Ron in the knee.

"Aren't you worried about Malfoy pulling something?" Ron asked. "Your little brother is there."

"He and Al will probably get along great," Ed said. "Al's always making friends with serial killers, especially if they're on a revenge kick."

-Invert

Ron nodded and he and Hermione pulled out their wands. We started moving. Our last run in with Pettigrew hadn't turned out so well. We were attacked by Dementors. Sirius was nearly hung. I was tortured by a rat and bit by a werewolf. Hermione only got 8 out of 10 on the homework she did that night. We were all scarred.

-Hobo Potter

He started shaking me around. I don't know why people always do that. I'm not a damn ketchup bottles. Shaking doesn't make the answer come out faster.

0o0o0o0o0o

I racked my brain for ways to get rid of a giant spider with two small steak knives. I wished I smoked then, because if I smoked I'd have a lighter, and since spider webs are flammable I could've at least distracted the creature towering over me, maybe even caused it to combusted. I also wished I went to church, because then I'd know some better prayers. All I could come up with was "Our father who art in heaven, please don't let a giant spider eat us!"

This was the one time in my life I wouldn't have minded an appearance from the Chamber of Secret's monster, as it was the thing most feared by the spiders. A thought occurred to me then and what the heck? It was worth a try.

"LOOK A BASILISK!" I shouted, pointing.

To my amazement to spider actually turned to look behind it. I was very glad Hagrid had taught those horrible monsters English.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Lupin didn't wake up, which worried me, but not half as much as Black’s flight from reality. The time for miming had passed, and the time of shin kicking had arrived.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

I backed into the common room, and he followed, watching me very carefully. The room was empty of witnesses and I wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing. I considered running up to the third year dorm, but Dean could follow me there just as easily.

"Hi DeEEEn." I hate it when my voice cracks.

"I heard what you said to Lupin." His voice was completely flat.

"…er…you did?"

"You're werewolves."

Deny it? Beg him not to tell? Get Dumbledore? Kick him in the groin and run? I hate decisions like this. I fell back on the basic tenets of adolescence. I shrugged, and tried to look very uninterested.

"You said Professor Lupin bit you," he continued.

Kick and run were starting to look very good. "Not on purpose," I said. I tried to sound bored, but my voice was shaking too much.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

I think, in that moment, I understood him. The boy saved my life, not for a reward, not for gratitude, not for fame. It was simply in his nature; his thoughtless, stubborn, self destructive, Gryffindor nature. He saw someone in trouble and he went to their aid. It was no more complicated then that, which made it all the more depressing. I looked at Harry Potter, and he looked back at me. In that moment I could not hate him.

Then he vomited on my shoes.

-The Basement (Prof. Snape)

They were dragged up the steps into the command center. At least Daniel Jackson and Jared Cain were dragged. The guards seemed too afraid to touch Remus Lupin. Not that he minded.

"I demand to know who you are and how you got here!" President Nadal said.

Remus shrugged, shedding more ash onto the carpet. "I fell out of a higher plane of existence," he rasped.

"Lies! You crawled from the pit, as prophesized in the book of Origin!" Nadal said.

"As a general rule, I avoid pits," Remus said.

Daniel had told him to stall as long as possible. He seamed utterly convinced that SG1 would find a way to get them out of their current predicament. Daniel had spent the last half hour talking in circles with the Rand guards, who seemed convinced Remus was some kind of demon. Remus was starting to loose interest at that point.

"You lie!" the President shouted melodramatically. "You have used your foul influence and power to bring ruin upon our nation."

"If I had demon powers wouldn't I have done something to free myself?" Remus argued. "Couldn't I just snap my fingers and escape?"

He snapped his fingers.

The lights went out.

"We've lost satellite control!" a soldier yelled.

"Crap." Remus said.

"I agree," Daniel muttered.

-Scones Anyone?

“What is the librarian saying?” Master Fung asked.

“Something about us trespassing and Omi having to be offered as a sacrifice,” Rai answered ,”You know minor details like that.”

The group paled, Omi especially. Meanwhile the librarian continued to talking

/...While I thought the setting was somewhat refreshing, I found the idea of how particular characters were conceived rather mind boggling.../

“Now he's saying something about gutting Clay and turning him into a bed side cabinet.”

“Well come on,” Clay objected, “that ain't right!”

“Don't worry Clay,” Rai said, “He's bluffing.”

“How can ya be so sure?”

The guy doesn’t sleep,” Rai answered, “so what use would he have for a bed?”

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

“Awww would ya look at that,” Clay said as he fawned over his old report, “I actually believed that while Lamark's theory was greatly flawed, there is still the possibly for events in an individual's life span affecting them on a genetic level.”

Everyone just stared at Clay for moment.

“Err,” Clay said, becoming slightly nervous, “I also drew a neat picture of a cave man riding a dinosaur.”

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Master Fung walked up to Rai, who was still passed out in the courtyard.

“Rai...”

Rai suddenly sat up.

“Damanation woman! How much more must my body give before your sadistic urges are sated?!”

When Rai realised who was actually standing there, things got slightly awkward.

“Just for the record, that didn't come out right.”

“Noted,” Master Fung said, “I just came here to thank you for you're help today with retrieving the Shen Gong Wu.”

“Not a problem,” Rai said, “Always glad to help my new allies.”

“I am so glad to hear you say that because I have decided for you to help the young Dragons permanently.”

“Wait, What?”

“From now on you will be part of the team retrieving Shen Gong Wu.”

“You mean I have to go through more of this?!” Rai asked in disbelief.

“Think of it as a good learning experience.”

At that, Rai lay back down and went into the foetal position.

“Can I go back to being a statue now?”

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

“Hm...you might have a point...oh well no use worrying about that now. We need a plan.” Rai stood still for a moment, completely lost in thought. “I've got! We find Jack, drive a stake through his heart, cut off his head, throw it into the nearest river, burn his body, pour virgin's tears onto the ashes and then scatter them to the four winds.”

“And how would that help us get the treasure of the blind swordsman back?” Clay asked.

Rai stared Clay blankly, “get the what-now back?”

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

“Guan! Its you!” Rai exclaimed, “I don't believe it...you're Bald!”

There was a moment of awkward silence.

“Alive,” Rai corrected himself, “what I meant to say was 'alive'.”

“Yes, that would certainly have been a better response,” Guan agreed.

There was another moment of awkwardness.

“So...are we going start trying to kill each another now or can I first unpack?”

“I have no intention of killing you,” Guan said.

“Uh I said 'trying',” Rai replied.

-Demon of the Wind

The Department of Mysteries was giving Harry neither help nor materials so he went “ingredient shopping” at a muggle pet store.

Hermione drew the line at three puppies when she discovered Adios, Sayonara, and Geronimo’s empty collars. Perhaps Harry shouldn’t have blurted out in anger that the last one in his closet was going to have her name changed from Toodles to Hermione.

Needless to say, Ron and Hermione reluctantly got a new puppy. After refusing to call the young poop factory either Toodles or Hermione, they settled on the name Padfoot. Primarily as a preventive measure in hopes that it would keep Harry from chucking her into the Exit as well.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

“Oh before I forget,” Harry grinned stopping in front of his bedroom door. “Did you notice the cute and dainty way your wand whistles?”

“That’s not-”

“Good night, Sirius,” Harry said walking into his bedroom and closing the door.

“It’s not a whistle!” Sirius insisted, yelling through Harry’s door. “You hear me, Harry? It’s a manly sound of success. Not a whistle!”

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Harry nodded. “I just got a bad feeling. By giving Jimmy a mirror, now he’ll most likely never have an occasion to need to use it. But if I’d thought about it, and I’d not given him the mirror, then inevitably he would have needed it.”

Albus stroked his beard. “I knew a man who utilized similar logic. On the days that clear weather was especially important, he would always carry an umbrella, in hopes to stave off the rain. It worked for him twice.”

“See? Exactly,” Harry agreed.

Albus thinned his lips adding, “And then it rained for two years straight.”

Harry responded with the strongest logic in his arsenal. “You’re a poohead too. Goodbye,” Harry said as he left the office

-A Black Comedy

“Oh yes, that. Harry bit me.”

Someone dropped their glass of champagne, but that was the only sound for almost half a minute. Snape felt decidedly less surprised than everyone else, and wished he had just stayed home.

“Dare I ask ‘why’?” Snape said, deciding he’d rather move the conversation along so he could sort out a suitable punishment for when the boy returned to school.

“It was my fault really. I shouldn’t have put my hand so close to his mouth. Lucius, you’re a father. Have you ever had that happen before?”

Malfoy Sr. blinked, quickly recovering from his surprised stupor to nod.

“Yes, once, but that was when Draco was four, and rather adamant to convince me he was a real dragon.”

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Do you think he deserves it, Severus?" he sneered. Snape watched him stoically from the corner of his eye.

"You're starting to sound like a jealous wife, Lucius. I suggest you stop now. It's tacky."

"Just answer the damn question."

"... Yes."

Malfoy looked clearly surprised by the answer, though Snape didn't know why. "Merlin, he's infected the both of you."

Potter Pox, flitted through Snape's mind, making the other man's words more funny than insulting. Symptoms include; headaches, insomnia, violent mood swings, and the urge to strangle Gryffindors.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Who the hell are you and what do you want?" Greyback growled.

"I am Bobbitimus IV, and I represent an interested third party that consists of everyone who isn't a raving psycho. Now, how can we get back young Harry without him getting killed?"

-Prince of the Dark Kingdom

In the same code, his cousin replied, “When she hits the floor, use Ennervate. Stoke the hysteria if you can.”

“Gryffs don’t get hysterical; they go into foaming barbarian rages.”

“That will suffice.”

-Heir of Slytherin

“Could I borrow that jar from you?” Harry asked, lowering his eyes. “I need a container for my gift, and it would be an honor to touch something you’ve touched.”

Looking positively delighted, Lockhart said, “Certainly, Harry,” and tried to levitate the jar towards him. He mispronounced the Charm, and the jar shot up to the ceiling and nearly cracked, before Harry took control of it and floated it towards him. Lockhart chuckled. “I don’t know my own strength, sometimes!”

What is that, one multiplied by the power of idiocy? Harry thought, and grabbed the jar, directing the orange paste into it.

-No Mouth But Some Serpent’s

"I will protect you, Sam," said Optimus.

"Great," said Sam. " 'You've got me. Who's got you?' "

"Sam?"

"It's this old movie -- never mind." Sam reached for the door handle, then hesitated. "OK. Say it is an Autobot who came down. What do I say if I find it? You learned our language from the Internet. If the new guy's communicator, receiver, whatever, is broken, he's not even gonna speak English. How do I keep him from running away before I can call you?"

"Say, 'Ba-weep-gra-na-weep-ninny-bong.' "

"What?"

"It's the universal greeting. 'Ba-weep-gra-na-weep-ninny-bong.' "

"...Optimus, are you shitting me?"

"No."

"You're shitting me! I know when somebody's shitting me, and you're shitting me!"

"I am not shitting you."

"Ba-weep-gra-na-weep-ninny-bong? What the hell does that even mean?"

Optimus didn't say anything.

"If you're shitting me, I am totally going to get you some naked chick mudflaps. And I'll make you wear 'em. In public."

"The universal greeting, Sam," said Optimus. "Use it."

He didn't sound angry, but he did sound short on patience. It was enough to remind Sam who was in charge. He guessed Optimus had picked exactly the right tone of voice for that. Probably part of being Chief Autobot, or whatever his title was.

"Ba-weep-gra-na-weep-ninny-bong," Sam muttered, as he hauled himself out of the cab.

If that didn't work, though, he was rolling out with "Klaatu barada nikto," and screw the consequences.

0000000000000000000000000000000

A thought occurred to Sam. "Should we even be on this beach? I know it's an military area and all, but -- nobody comes here?"

"No," said Lennox. "We shell it sometimes."

"Great," Sam said.

"Don't worry, kid," said Figueroa. "We swept it. You're cool."

Lennox shrugged. "And everybody with spy satellites knows about them already. So there's no reason not to have a little fun. As long as we're discreet."

The sun was sinking redly in the sky. Sam squinted against the glare. Mikaela pushed her sunglasses up on her nose and lay down on her beach towel. "Just don't yell at us when the sunbathing giant robots show up on Google Earth," she said.

-Pieces of the Dead

“YOU’RE a crisis!” Sam told the television, and threw the remote at the screen.

Ben and Sock stared.

Sam scratched his neck. He wondered if those looks they were giving him right now would bother him if he still had his soul. Oh, wait, yeah.

“Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you,” Sam said, “The Devil took my soul away last night. I guess if I’m acting different, it’s a side-effect? He didn’t really explain anything, as usual.”

Ben’s mug slanted too far to the left and coffee dribbled into his lap.

“So… you know,” Sam said. “Head’s up.”

-Soulless Bastard

The purple armoured man blinked sharply at the words but didn't answer. As he turned to the elder man and spoke something in foreign language, Severus realised that he didn't understand at all. 'How typical,' the former headmaster thought. 'I go to a Hell where no one speaks English.'

No Place to Die

“I’m sorry,” Kakashi said lazily but with all seriousness, bowing slightly. “There was a mistake. I’m not giving out any free pie.”

-Love is the Strongest Energy

“We aren’t talking about baby animals,” objected Megumi. “We are talking about magical manifestations.”

“Manifestations that acted just like puppies!”

-Kaoru from The Slumbering City

Gokudera beamed at him. Tsuna could practically feel the death rays of happiness stabbing him.

-Snow Feather

“I hope he enslaves your mind with the Millennium Rod and makes you do ballet naked in the street.”

The former Pharaoh stared at his captive again.

“Ballet?” He held up a hand to forestall any explanation. “Never mind. Your petty amusements aren’t worth my time. Wait. Did you say your brother’s toy can enslave minds?”

“Uh…. No?” Mokuba offered.

-Shadow Rising

“Tsunade-sama!” Shizune appeared out of no-where, “You can’t use language like that in front of an impressionable infant! They learn how to speak by imitation!”

Tsunade waved off the complaint. “What are you talking about? He’s a man, isn’t he? He can swear at whoever he wants. Isn’t that right, Naru-chan?” Tsunade cooed, “You’re going to grow up and swear at all the assholes that deserve it, aren’t you? Yes you are! Yes you are!” She finished, rubbing the infant’s stomach affectionately, who giggled in response.

Shizune was quite horrified. “Tsunade-sama! No, I won’t allow it, you’re corrupting him!” Shizune declared as she stole her young and impressionable little brother from her mentor. “You’re intentionally swearing more than you do normally!”

“Of course I am!” Tsunade shot back, “My Naru-chan won’t take crap from anyone. He’s going to grow up and tell off all kinds of people: perverts, lawyers, political powers, old man Sarutobi…” she trailed off.

“No way! He’s my precious ototou and I won’t let you set such a bad example!”

“I’m his mother, and I’ll teach him to swear like a f--ng sailor if I want to!”

“Nooo!” Shizune cried, covering Naruto’s ears, “ototou, don’t listen!”

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

“You what?.! ” Jiraiya blustered. “You’re pretending that you don’t know who I am!”

“Oh yes. Well, it’s all very new-age. Reject reality and pretend your problem’s something else and eventually some other person will deal with it” guard one informed

-Tsunade’s Heir

Harry knew then, he was dead and he was in Hell, Sylus had to be Satan and this was his fate for killing himself. Those who committed suicide were to be eternally surrounded by creepily joyful people while you suffered from a hangover of the millennium.

-Eclipsed Moon

"During Harry's Potions class on Friday, I would like you to stage an incident."

"An incident?" Snape's eyebrows soar to his hairline. "Of what kind?"

"Oh, the sort that usually occurs whenever you combine easily distracted teenagers with volatile potion ingredients. An exploding cauldron, perhaps? Or maybe something less incendiary. I'm sure you can arrange the details so as not to risk serious injury to any of your students."

"If it is a brewing mishap you require, I doubt I shall have to try very hard to produce it," Snape says. "The odds are excellent that one will occur with no intervention from me. But what purpose will it serve?"

"I am coming to that," Dumbledore says. "Now: whether or not it is plausible—indeed, the less plausible the better, perhaps—you will find a way to blame Harry for what has occurred. You will be quite vicious, even for you. Take as many points as you like, I will find a way of returning them later." Dumbledore's eyes grow distant, considering. "A few detentions may be in order as well. And a great deal of ranting. The ranting is quite the material point. Nobody observing you should be left in the slightest doubt of your feelings for Harry. You have free reign to be quite as unpleasant as you possibly can."

Snape blinks at him, feeling as though the world has shifted on its axis. "You do realize," he says, "that my birthday is not until January."

-The Poor of God

Snape reached into the pocket of his massive bat robes and pulled out a small, thin flask filled with clear blue liquid. "Here," he said, shoving the vial at Harry. "Drink this."

"What is it?" Harry asked nervously, not taking it from Snape's outstretched hand.

"A potion to relieve your fever," Snape replied. A muscle was beginning to tic in his jaw.

"I don't have a --" Harry started.

"Take the damn potion," Snape snarled, and strode once more from the room.

"Sir, I'm not taking anything if I don't know what's in it!" Harry yelled.

"Merlap. Essence of bicorn horn. Powdered lacewing. Diced flobberworms. Cloves. Crushed beetle eye," Snape yelled back from what was presumably his den. "And the most important ingredient of all: dire consequences if you do not do as I say!"

Harry stared at the vial, shaking it slightly and watching the pale blue liquid slosh against the sides. "But --"

"Dire consequences!" Snape reminded him in a bellow.

-Lollipop

Hermione nodded and began preparing herself for the task. Ron started repairing the damage, somewhat inexpertly, but well enough to pass a casual inspection. With nothing else to do, Harry did the only other thing he thought might help.

He stole their wallets.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Nearby, a small thing, looking roughly like a naked child, lay curled on the ground. Its skin was raw and rough, flayed-looking, and it lay shuddering under a seat, unwanted, stuffed out of sight, struggling for breath.

“Hello,” Harry said cheerfully when Albus Dumbledore appeared in front of him.

“Hello, Harry,” said the spectre of the dead headmaster, looking slightly surprised at Harry’s happy demeanour.

“Is that meant to be Riddle?” Harry asked, nodding towards the wheezing abomination.

“In a manner of speaking,” said Dumbledore.

Harry suddenly stood up and moved closer to it, bending over to scoop it up in his arms, despite his obvious distaste.

“You cannot help it,” said Dumbledore sadly.

“Help it?” said Harry. “No, I’m putting it on the tracks.

“Any idea what time the next train arrives?”

-Almost a Squib

“There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do,” Luna said, grinning.

“Go through his clothes and look for loose change,” Harry finished. “I love Princess Bride! You know,” he said, turning to his three best friends. “I don’t know what it is, but lately Luna’s been beating you guys in the friends department hands down.”

“It’s not our fault we’re not insane,” Hermione said, crossing her arms. “No offense, Luna.”

“Why would I be offended?” Luna asked. “I’ve seen your version of sanity. It bores me.”

-Oh God Not Again!

Oh. Was all this talk about Darkness and prophecies a sign that Harry was starting to think about his parents’ deaths? This could become emotional – he hoped he had extra handkerchiefs in his drawer. “Yes, you can ask me,” he said, uncharacteristically tentative.

“Can you Imperius a chicken?” Harry asked.

Snape stared at him. Whatever he had been expecting, this wasn’t it. “I don’t know,” he said finally. “Can you Imperius a chicken?”

-Saving a Friend

“Shh. All right, all right. That’s enough,” Snape soothed as Harry wept into his robes, hoping to calm the little fiend quickly. He wasn’t being caring, dammit, it was just that prolonged emotional outbursts made his head hurt.

-Finding a Home

As the cupboard door slammed shut and Harry sneezed from the dust, he realized that the situation might just have gotten crappier. Then again, this could all just be a crazy dream and he would wake up to a nice bottle of milk and kisses from his parents. This was all just a figment of his overactive imagination. No more smooshed carrots before bedtime. Yes. A nightmare brought on by indigestion.

After Harry stopped being in denial he felt a great urge to swear. However, he settled on gurgling. Angrily.

A spit bubble of rage followed.

-Necromancers Anonymous

When Harry returned in the early evening, Luna greeted him with a smile that seemed to be just a little too innocent and too cheerful. Harry stared at her suspiciously and nearly jumped when a forceful poke was delivered to his ankle.

Harry stared down and saw a small cat that stared back at him for a fleeting moment.

“You brought a cat!” Harry snapped, slightly shocked by what seemed like a betrayal of his trust at this point. “While I was gone, you brought a cat!”

“Yes,” Luna confessed bravely.

“That's not right – Luna how could you?”

Another moment later the cat ran away, heading down for the cellar. Even though the cat moved at lightning speed, Harry still noticed that something was off with its gait.

“Something is wrong with the cat,” Harry said. “He's limping.”

“He's missing a hind leg,” Luna said serenely.

“I see,” Harry said bitterly. “So, you obviously decided that my life wasn't complicated enough at this point, and you've gifted me with a three-legged cat.”

“He's a very friendly cat,” Luna protested. “He's been living in a church graveyard for the last two years.”

“You stole a three-legged cat from a church???” Harry exclaimed indignantly.

“Yes, but that's all right. You need him more than they do,” Luna said. “By the way, his name is Tripod.”

“His name isn't the point!”

For the first time something like doubt entered Luna's voice. “I thought you liked cats.”

-Proof of Life

"As for your disrespect –"

"I was on fire," Harry protested, looking up in alarm. "Whatever someone says when they’re on fire shouldn’t count.”

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Snape was fumbling with the keys, and Harry shot him a worried look.

“You do know how to drive, right?”

“Yes, Potter, I know how to drive. I read the manual last night.” Snape pushed a button and his window rolled down. “See? And here,” he pushed another button and all the locks went down on the doors, “child proof locks. I’m the only who can unlock them. And you turn the wheel in the direction you want to go. Here, let’s go.” Snape shoved the key into the ignition and turned the engine on.

I’m going to die was Harry’s only thought as he leaned back in his seat and gripped the arms tightly.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Snape, with his usual agility, stepped out of the way. The huge spell blazed across the room and exploded against the far wall where many china plates hung on the wall around a large, brass-framed mirror.

Harry stared at it, forgetting to blink, forgetting to move, forgetting to breathe. He prayed nothing would happen. Maybe the spell was absorbed or deflected by the mirror.

And then the plates dropped. One by one, like harsh notes in a musical clip, until all fifteen plates lay broken in a hundred pieces on the wooden floor.

"Well," Harry said in a very small voice, "it’s just a few plates."

Two seconds of silence, and then the mirror fell. It fell straight to the floor and flopped forward. Harry heard the glass of the mirror shatter underneath the frame.

"And a mirror," Harry barely whispered.

Five seconds of quiet. And the whole wall fell backwards.

The entire wall fell back into the room behind it. Even through the haze of dust, Harry could see the wall lying in chunks on the floor of – oh, no, Snape’s study. The wall had fallen into Snape’s study, Snape’s sodding study!

"Oh, come on!" Harry yelled at the wall, hoping that might make the wall spring back into place.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

“Thanks,” Harry said to Neville. “That’s a fantastic gift. All of you – brilliant gifts. I would have never come up with anything as clever. Don’t invite me to any of your parties because I’ll show up with something awful like a gift certificate to Flourishes and Blots.”

“A what?” Ron asked, confused.

“Exactly,” Harry said.

“My cousin once showed up at my great-aunt’s party with a tub of balled up tissues,” Seamus remembered. “He was going to bewitch them to float around her like snowballs to scare her or make her laugh, I forget which. He said the wrong spell, and they all formed a snowman that tried to eat her. Yeah – we don’t talk to that cousin anymore.”

-A Time and a Place to Grow