Rubi Maia Granger Wexler
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Joined 11-22-01, id: 129885
Author has written 3 stories for Harry Potter, Misc. Plays/Musicals, and Lord of the Rings.
~Name: Rubi Maia Granger Wexler, formerly Rubi Granger a.k.a. Llama Bob.
~Also Known As: Alice Poinsettia Yakkawallapaloozameister, Laicuiel, and many many other names I never use anyway.
~Age: *Blink*
~Sex: You sicko.
~Gender?: That's better. And I'm a girl, thank you very much.
~Location: The USA.
~Hair: Dark brown and poofy, though I'm not too sure why you need to know that...
~Likes: Acting, singing, reading, writing junk, making people laugh, the EAE (see below), Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean, llamas (though not so much anymore), 'Chicago', Cirque du Soleil, Harry Potter, Battle Royale (novel), and all my friends.
~Dislikes: Narrow-minded people, conceited people, and mean people. And a lot of other things, like the sound of my school's tardy bell when you're late for class and just happen to be walking right under the bell when it goes off and it nearly deafens you, y'know that feeling? ...Uh, yeah. That.


GENERAL NOTES: E.A.E. (Acronym pronounced ee-ay) stands for the Elven Assistance Entourage. They are a specialized team of elves that follow geeky teens like me around when they're going through tough times in their life. Recently, because my parents have divorced and I've moved several states to the north of my friends and hometown of ten years, my EAE has been very helpful.
EAE's have before been called imaginary friends, but they prefer Imperceptible Yet Totally Groovy Associates and would like to make it known that they do not, by no means, only exist because one Rubi Maia Wexler made them up. Comprende?


~Elrohir & Elladan: Twins, the sons of Elrond Halfelven himself. Have been known to paint Telperion's fingernails black while he's sleeping. This always causes mayhem when he awakes. They are usually found sitting on the floor, playing some sort of Elvish game with dice, plotting new schemes to humiliate Telperion, or preparing to strangle each other with sibling rivalry. They occasionally offer reassurance-- things get bad, and things get worse. But at this point, your chances are they're about to get better.

~Telperion: The 'not very lucky but it's no problem' one. Also perpetually sleepy. Always falls asleep during Rubi's classes at school, usually in a desk with his trusty blanket over his head. Occasionally, he wakes up to find his fingernails painted black to match his hair. Yes, he's had black hair for a while. Haldir dyed it that way a year or two ago, and Tel just liked the look. The fingernails are another story though. Is still trying to find a 'cure' for them. (He doesn't know that nail polish remover exists yet, so don't tell him!) Always wears black, and likes to shop at Hot Topic. No one knows why, because he's really a nice and happy guy. We call him the 'Wannabe Goth Elf.'

~Ancalime: The sensible one. Is often found with her nose in a book of poetry or the like. She also has a certain passion for cooking, and gets very upset when people ruin or just don't want to even try to eat what she's made (which, in the case of the other EAEs, is every other week. Ancalime, you see, isn't very good at cooking despite her love of it). As the sole female member of this particular EAE, she is the one to settle arguments and just make sure everyone gets along. Is always there to help with advice on friends, crushes, and getting along with the parental units, even when report cards are due.

~ Haldir: Totally fun loving, dude! I know what you're thinking-- he died, right? Nope, actually that was his stunt double. After that whole incident at Helm's Deep, everyone-- Mary-Sues, orc assassins, Lucius Malfoy-- has been after Haldir. No one is really sure why, but that's the reason behind his seemingly innumerable stunt doubles. He only appears once in a while, but when he does, it's to convince Rubi and the regular EAE to try something new and fun-looking. This happened in a particularly memorable way during a trip to a theme park last summer (Telperion, most of all, will never forget it.) He's the one who talked Elrohir and Elladan to begin the Great Nail-Painting of Telperion.

((No, I am not schizophrenic. This is, of course, just for fun. If you don't have a sense of humor, leave now. If you do, hats off to thee, and may the Mexican Whooping Llamas bless you with their magical Parasols of Lacy Frilly Poofiness.))

Squeaky voice, close to tears* "You're not a real cardinal! You're just a person! *Sniffle* You were my hero... But you LIED to me! You lied... lied..." -- My friend Louise always wanted to say that to the cardinal mascot of our high school. I'm not sure if she ever did...

(Re: A Mary-Sue [it's an MST])
Boromir: Great. She’s at one with nature. Now if only there was a bear.
Aragorn: You’re going to show up any moment now, you know.
Boromir: What? Why?
Aragorn: Because you’re falling in luuuuuvv.
Boromir: Shut up.
Aragorn: Boromir and Nevfana, sitting in a tree...
Boromir: First comes rope, then comes hanging, then comes Nevfana rotting in the sun for six weeks.
Aragorn: That’s not how it goes.
Boromir: It is now.
~ From 'Boromir's a Big Meanie (part 2)', which can be found on the MST section of Guaranteed to disturb you at the same time you're laughing fit to die.

"Ah- We are Australian now."
"No, no, it's RUSH-stralian."
"Yes. Russtralian."
~ My mom and I after our 'Russian spy' accents spontaneously turned into Australian ones.

"I guess we're Frenchrusstralian now."
"Yes, from good old Frenchrusstralia. Not really Russian spies on a mission for the Mr. Coffee machines..."
~ Same day, later, my accent slipped into French.

Words I Have Invented/Made Up New Definitions Of:

Damnastic: (dam-NAS-tick) (adj.) Spiffy; wonderful. ["That cow is damnastic!"]

Damnastically: (dam-NAS-tick-lee) (adv.) Extremely; unbelievably. ["Frodo is so damnastically cute."]

Moofy: [MOO-fee] The name of a snack cake company in Latin America (I found this out going to Costa Rica last summer), now I use it as a nickname for anything, mostly for Morpheus of the 'Matrix' series.

2/18/04-- Updated this... bio part or whatever you call it. Projects in the works: A Pirates of the Caribbean story focusing on my character, Annie Prophet, and a Harry Potter story focusing on the Anwhistles, a completely made up (and very large) family. If that sounds a bit egotistical, I'm so afraid of letting the canon characters get out-of-character in a fanfic, plus I have so many mental files on these characters that I just want to get 'out there', that I usually just focus on my made-up characters in fan fictions. I have this whole little saga going on for the Anwhistles, and Harry and everyone else is mentioned, but not very often... and the PotC one is going to start out with my character's childhood, so she wouldn't know any of the other characters back then... *Shrugs* Ah well, I haven't got a word of either of these on the ol' PC yet, so why am I rambling about them?? I don't know, either.

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Once Upon a Freakin' Time by Evadne reviews
The Death Eaters attempt to do bad things, but mostly just do things badly.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 40 - Words: 29,923 - Reviews: 1980 - Favs: 2,121 - Follows: 738 - Updated: 2/15/2008 - Published: 8/7/2002 - Voldemort, Severus S.
Band of Highly Intellectual Pirates by Plasmolysed Cell Membrane reviews
Jack Sparrow's younger brother, Bram Sparrow is the captain of a pirate ship with all its men being absolutely clever. He finds himself in Port Royale looking for his brother and ends up teaming up with Will and Elzabeth on his quest.
Pirates of the Caribbean - Rated: K - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 5 - Words: 10,686 - Reviews: 29 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 2/27/2005 - Published: 2/5/2004
The Madness of Mr H J Potter by KillerRabbit reviews
Chapter 4 is up-- 2 years in the waiting! Hey, I'm like J.k. Rowling without the money. Anyways, this chapter! -- The Metatron, Snape, Harry in mud, Demonbusters with their Bibles, a ferret, and a Reservoir Dogs lost character.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 4 - Words: 9,553 - Reviews: 23 - Favs: 4 - Updated: 6/9/2004 - Published: 7/25/2002 - Severus S., Severus S.
The Mystery of the Voodoo Sword by Free Sparrow reviews
Jack gets involved with a voodoo sorcress, and it all goes downhill from there. Read and review!
Pirates of the Caribbean - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Supernatural - Chapters: 1 - Words: 581 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 2 - Published: 1/26/2004
Inbox by Sorceress5 reviews
heeheehee. The ASOUE charecters have gotten E-mail and it's VERY interesting. It's rated PG for some cursing and theres lots of shouting. Chapter 2 has the worlds respnse to Olafs secrets!!
Series Of Unfortunate Events - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,246 - Reviews: 40 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 3/24/2003 - Published: 3/20/2003
The Frodoll Journals by Nilramiel reviews
This tale is true! Frodoll came to live with me on May 29, 2002. This is life from his Point of View!
Lord of the Rings - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 18 - Words: 12,479 - Reviews: 52 - Favs: 5 - Updated: 2/27/2003 - Published: 5/30/2002 - Frodo B.
Harry Potter and Barry Trotter, together at last! by funiki-senjo reviews
One big laugh-fest for Harry fans and enemies alike! Whether you've read the book or never heard of Harry Potter, you're sure to like this! Please R & R.
Harry Potter - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,394 - Reviews: 17 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 3 - Published: 10/4/2002
Lord of the Munchkins by Seth Connelly reviews
Saruman, due to a lack of things to do, decided to make his quest for the One Ring a little less difficult by casting a spell to turn all of Middle-earth into children.
Lord of the Rings - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 4,715 - Reviews: 31 - Favs: 4 - Updated: 6/1/2002 - Published: 3/14/2002 - Frodo B.
Legolas and Aragorn's Journey by Jack Thee Arse reviews
Everyone's fave elf and warrior go off on a journey! *and thus the unholy saga ends...*
Lord of the Rings - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 13 - Words: 7,245 - Reviews: 254 - Favs: 49 - Updated: 3/29/2002 - Published: 12/28/2001 - Legolas, Aragorn
How To... by Skye Rocket reviews
Harry Potter characters do public service ads. Chapter 3 is pretty darn sad...
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 9 - Words: 11,641 - Reviews: 38 - Favs: 2 - Updated: 2/7/2002 - Published: 11/8/2001
Tom's Name Trouble by Nepchoon reviews
About Tom Riddle in school, trying to decide on a name for's my first fic, and just getting started!
Harry Potter - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 3 - Words: 2,849 - Reviews: 18 - Favs: 4 - Updated: 1/24/2002 - Published: 12/29/2001
Muggle Movies 01: The Stone by GNess reviews
The Harry Potter characters go and see the first film on the big screen. It seems EVERYONE loves Sean Biggerstaff, Draco isn't sneering nearly as much as he should and Ron is so excited that Harry fears he'll pass out.
Harry Potter - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 7 - Words: 20,188 - Reviews: 306 - Favs: 180 - Follows: 19 - Updated: 1/4/2002 - Published: 12/10/2001 - Complete
To Sleep No More by Ginny Ha-ha reviews
Hogwarts has been destroyed. Magic has been outlawed. Harry, Hermione, Malfoy and Ginny are 4 of the last surviving Magical people after the war. But they have been found out by a Muggle who will kill them if she can... PG13 for over-all content
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Suspense/Adventure - Chapters: 11 - Words: 23,451 - Reviews: 194 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 12/13/2001 - Published: 2/6/2001
Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Short (Okay... maybe not so short), strange, sugar-induced. What more can I say? Now rated PG-13 for just the little smidgen of language, but you never can be too careful these days... Tenth Chapter Up!
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor/Humor - Chapters: 10 - Words: 22,415 - Reviews: 49 - Favs: 8 - Updated: 3/1/2004 - Published: 12/21/2002
MEHS Stands for CHAOS
Rating for occasional language. Three strange people appear, saying they work for a secret organization in the future. They must track down one fanfiction author. The problem is that she now has control over the LotR universe, as well as their mission.
Lord of the Rings - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 3,790 - Published: 8/14/2003 - Aragorn, Legolas
Opposites DO Attract reviews
CATS fic. Two stray cats have never seen or heard of the existence of the Jellicles, nor any other cats on the streets for that matter. But what happens when they find themselves out of a home? Help arrives in the most unexpected of places...
Misc. Plays/Musicals - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,686 - Reviews: 2 - Follows: 1 - Published: 12/25/2002