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Author has written 14 stories for Teen Titans, and Digimon.
Sept. 2015: I had some revelations in the past few months that have altered the way I understand myself and, I believe, made me a better writer. Also, I fell of the grid during these revelations and had some crisis which really made me question my place as a writer. Both of which make me think that I should put a little note here as to what happened.
First off, I found intersectional feminism, which opened me up to the huge diversity in the human experience and ways I had been really cruel without even realizing it. As a child of Star Trek, I believe in a world where it is your work, not your body, that determines your worth; where people are smart and proud of it, but aren't elitist about it; where all contributions to the human condition are valued and people work for the betterment of themselves and humanity. It continues to be a struggle for me to accept that this is not the world in which we live. Entering the adult world has decreased my sheltering, but I still have a very narrow perspective and thus have a lot of learning to do about what it's like when you're visibly not part of the dominant narrative.
Which brings me to event two. Through intersectional feminism I learned that there is a word for my sexual orientation: asexual. I found that there are other people like me and that I am not, in fact, a defective human being. Imagine a world where you're a brunette, but everyone else is blond, and they all tell you that there's no such thing as a brunette. There are only blonds and you are also blond, just a really dark shade of blond. Deep down you know this isn't true; you look at yourself and you can see that you're a brunette. But the repetition wares on you and you believe they're all right, that you are a blond. You're just a broken and lesser blond because your hair's such a dark shade it doesn't even look blond. Most people you meet agree; your hair's freaking weird and you should probably have it looked at by a doctor, maybe get some meds and fix it. That's what it's like to be asexual in modern society, though the severity really depends on other factors. As a young looking white girl, most people just assume that I'm "being good" or have "internalized misogyny issues" or am saint/ childlike somehow, but no one has ever tried to grope me into having sexuality. I would describe my struggles as probably the most mild, but still, having how broken you are rubbed in your face for 23 years gets old. It was magical to discover the asexual community.
Third event: a family friend's son committed suicide as a result of mental illness. That's suicide number 3 for my direct peer group and I don't want to take away from any of their suffering, nor would I deny anyone the choice, but it hurts me. Every time I feel guilty, I feel loss, I feel helpless to ease the pain of those hurting more than I, but worst of all, I feel a cold sense of inevitability. When you have a very small peer group and they keep deciding that it's just not worth trying anymore, it can make you question. I'm still questioning.
This brings us to the crisis: can I, a dyslexic, asexual, hight IQ, chemistry and math loving, female, white, American, create art that moves anyone and has a purpose? Can anyone relate to characters written by someone who just doesn't relate to other human beings, doesn't understand their motivations and feelings and doesn't have hers understood, and only gets through social anythings by putting on a shell of what they expect to see? Am I "person" enough to writhe human characters? That's where I have to thank you dudes, my readers, because these are serious questions to me. I honestly doubt my ability to write anything that anyone finds compelling because I myself feel so alien and tired. But you read. I get thousands of hits and hundreds of reviews and everyone is just so thoughtful and positive! I've wanted to give up and just be what this world seems to expect me to be frequently, but you guys keep me going, keep me trying. While I was in the worst phase of this crisis, I would get on here and read through all your reviews and they reminded me that I can and do touch people with my writing.
So thank you all, really and truly. I had a hard time, and honestly I think I'm in for more, but you dudes got me through it. Happy conclusion to Siren's Call!
2015: So, I can't decide whether or not to delete these previous "entries." On the one hand, it's kinda nice to have a little record of my life. On the other, looks like I only started having this idea last year, so it's not too complete... And who wants to read any of that anyway? Whatever, I'll leave it up. For posterity. And future me.
Anyway, Kilarra in 2015. Work is time consuming. If any of you remember the scene in Star Trek: The Voyage Home when they're asking Chekov if he's knows his name (he's had some drain bamage) and he's all like "Chekov, Admiral" with this big, dreamy grin, that's me right now. Except instead of "Admiral" I'm thinking "Ph.D" I managed to pull a 3.8 and look pretty darn lovely on paper, if I do say so myself, so I have that going for me. The program to which I'm applying has a 26% acceptance rate, so that's a female dog... Nevertheless, that's Kilarra in 2015!
As far as writing goes, clearly I'm still doing it. I still want to shift my focus onto 100% my material things and get me some publications in more than just scientific journals. However, and I'm going to go ahead and say this, I picked up fanfiction writing for "kids" shows because I feel the characters in the cannon are only ever given surface exploration, so when I write them, they're from the cannon but also artifacts of my own creation. So it doesn't really matter what I want to do, these fanfiction characters continue to speak to me. We shall see what becomes of this... Either way, I'll keep all maybe two of you dudes checking this thing posted!
2014: Hello to any who read this! Just a little note to let you know I'm still around and, although such is not apparent, still writing. This is my senior year of undergraduate university and I must admit that school has become increasingly consuming, both with respect to my time and mental resources. The words don't come quite as easily any more. Also, I'm looking for a higher degree in Chemistry and thus have been applying to graduate programs. Nevertheless, I am determined not to post anything until it is just right. Additionally, I'm considering moving from fanfiction into just plain fiction, you know, like the kind of stuff I could publish off the internet. To that end, I'm considering removing some of my ideas from here and reworking them with characters that are uniquely my own. That is why Professional Interest specifically has been bogged down, as I fear if I put the whole story up here, then I'll never be able to reclaim it from the realm of fanfiction, and I feel it is an intriguing storyline. So yeah, there's what's up with me. Happy day .
Update: All right, so as opposed to my usual long update times, there is actually a mechanical reason for the current wait on all my work. In February my hard drive crashed with no back up (because I'm a cheep college student that naïvely thought I didn't need one) taking everything from the past 4 years with it in to electronic oblivion. So, because Apple is pretty awesome in my book, I got a new hard drive in the old computer for about $1,000 cheeper than buying an entirely new computer and started to rebuild. So that is a lesson of prudence, lap top hard drives aren't really built to last you more than 4 years as a rule an you should preempt the disaster of loosing your life and back everything up!
Now the other moral of this story is avoid spinning parts as much as possible, because if you happen to be renovating the house you're living in while trying to get a biochemistry, biology, and mathematics degrees with above a 3.7 GPA, and drywall happens to get into said spinning parts, you will have another hard drive crash on your hands and once again loose all your data. Also, just buy the stupid external hard drive. Thankfully, because Apple is wonderful, I got a shinny new, no-spinny-parts hard drive for free this time... but my data was once again nonrecoverable because I'm so cheep.
So that is my story of this year so far... Have you all been waiting since before this 2012 for an update? Yes, but damn it, I was this close before that first crash! And two hard drive crashes in such a short span of time? It may sound unbelievable, but trust me, I have made nothing up here... in this section just now. Have I lied to you? I mean, on this page... So once again we must rebuild. Please have extra patience, this is going to take a lot of time.
Do you ever just stop and think: "Damn, I made a friend on the other side of the world because we both watch and write about children's shows. We know so much about each other without ever having actually met, and the distance/anonymity doesn't even matter. The world is amazing!"
Gender: Surprisingly interesting question... I alternate between dingley earrings with tight pants (i.e. concerned with being pretty in a feminine sense) and cargo pants with no adornments (i.e. no concern with being pretty at all) every couple of years. It's the darndest thing, but I put on a style that I wore two years ago and can't go out because it doesn't look like me. So we're going to go with Demifemale, because if you asked I'd say I'm a girl, but if someone came over right now and told me "psych you're not a girl" I don't feel that that would be a major loss for me.
Orientation: I'm an Ace through and through, and let me tell you it is liberating to say that!
Race: I'm a garden variety Germanic white chick
Occupation: Yeah! In a Ph.D. Program! Currently teaching organic chemistry labs. B.S. in Chemistry, biochemistry emphasis, with minors in mathematics and biology.
Astrology: The Elder Tree, The Black Colt
Countries Visited: Scotland, Argentina, Chile, France, England, Japan, Russia, Holland
Likes: Sushi... a lot, and all Japanese food, writing, dogs, horses, cats, singing chords with the choir, organic chemistry, calculus, gnocchi with chicken livers, French, Portal, Kingdom Hearts, rain, Star Trek, Wildhorn's Jekyll and Hyde musical, original Dracula, Le Roi Soleil musical, Le Petit Prince, green and purple, Mordin, Dostoevsky, observing, tea, dangly earrings that go dingle-dingle, Starbuks, knowing what to do, hot chocolate, family, making music with friends, acting, anime, sleep, wolves, understanding alternate perspectives, romanticism, making forts with blankets, playing in the mountains/ making forts there, rock climbing, having philosophical/ religious discussions with friends and pretty much any one (key word: discussion. sharing ideas, feelings, and rational).
Dislikes: The F-Bomb (college has made me revise this, but I still avoid it personally), Over the top PDA (ewwy), telephones (hate the little monsters), wet paper, dirty dishes, sticky, people trying to compete with me in areas where there can't be a competition, black and white, people messing with my little brother, power trips, minimizing others achievements because you can't do what they did, and spicy food (I have a delicate mouth).
On Art: Art, as I see it, is a means of communicating an emotion and/or beauty. All art should evoke catharsis and immortalize what is important, the ephemeral. Art is subjective, so what is artistic to one may not be artistic to all.
On Writing: Writing is like acting; the characters exist and the stories exist, you are simply channeling them. To channel them, you have to understand them. Think what they'd think, feel what they'd feel. Then you can tell their story.
There's still a new Dracula the Musical in production! Work in progress... they're getting there... Not the one by Wildhorn (though Jekyll and Hyde was amazing, check that out too), this one has songs that don't all sound the same! Some are fast, some are slow, some are major, some are minor, in short, an awesome variety of totally sweet and uber nifty show-tunes! And, hold on to your hats, because this musical follows Bram Stoker's original, book plot! Unlike every other Dracula rendition known to man. So, check it out! Youtube Within My World Dracula (I admit the beginning is not visually appeasing, but it's the music!) or look up Dracula on i-Tunes (it's the one with the dark dude and the red, misty background)or you could i-Tunes search Never to Die Dracula. All of these will give you a wondrous introduction to the glorious-ness of the concept album and probable musical! Now go forth and experience forbidden bliss! Kilarra requests! Or demands, whichever will motivate you.
#1 Women's High School Choir in the state twice! 2009&2010. (won't tell you which state) Yeah, we rock. Funny story, we weren't even supposed to go to that competition at all, but the mixed choir couldn't make it and someone from our school had to go so another school could go (I know, unnecessarily complicated), so instead we went and preformed dead last so they could fit us in. No one was there to watch us except the judges and I was in my broken heel (which was most painful) and was sneezing like none other during the critique, oh, and we were missing a good ten girls. We thought we would be competitive and one of our girls had a ruptured ovarian cyst that turned out to be a back problem (don't ask me how, I was a little out of the loop), we all decided to just head back to the hotel and just crash. Around 9 or 10 at night, our director came back with a shiny new plaque that said First Place! And this was a State wide competition, any body who was any body had showed up to compete and here we came out of no where and totally kicked butt! Ya Kaleidoscope! So that's my awesome story. Nifty, right?
My hair is officially Three Feet Long! That is an accomplishment. How many of you know some one (personally) who's got three feet of hair poking out of their head? And I have it on good authority from numerous sources that my hair is healthy too! It's the little things in life that give you a swelled head.
As per request I have decided to start a section dedicated where the stories that are in-progress might go (no plot spoilers, just how much longer they might be) and what upcoming stories might be about and just things I'm thinking about writing. So, a little bit of this, a little bit of that. Should one read this section and have a strong reaction, either a 'Yeah, totally do that!' or a 'No, never in this lifetime should you do that!', one should private message me and share these strong feelings. Here we go!
The Wolf and the Raven: Going back in the original direction with this. Almost a Beauty and the Beast kind of thing. Done to death, I know, but I think I can get a new spin on it. I want to play with this idea of fear and physical deception... and I want Beast Boy to save Raven this time.
Host Manipulation: This is much more developed in my head and will deal more with my Ginger Snaps inspiration. The gist is that certain parasites can manipulate their hosts to varying extents in order to complete their life cycles. So we have a demonic parasite, an isolation of Raven and Beast Boy so I can just work with them, and some SyFy greater imagination. I'm excited about this one, but I'll attempt to let you people decide via pole.
Uncertain Title As of Yet: This is extremely up in the air as it would probably make a better AMV than fan fiction. A song-fic using "Your Work and Nothing More" from Wildhorn's Jekyll and Hyde centering around Robin, his Slade obsession, and how the rest of the Team feels about it. I would request that one listens to the song and thinks in these terms for background knowledge and an understanding as to why this will be difficult to write.
Aftermath: This is a Digimon fic set 5 years after the events of Frontier. Kouichi survived his near death experience, but it's left him with unwanted extrasensory perceptions which strain his relationship with Kouji and leave him inescapably sensitivity to technology. In the Digital World, what remains of Duskmon has grown strong enough to infect the real world and he has one objective: reclaim Kouichi's body and cover the world in darkness.
Desire: A song-fic using the first verse of the song Your Heart's Desire from the new Dracula musical mentioned above. Cherubimon as he turns Kouichi into Duskmon when he first came to the Digital World as a spirit. I think it'll be cool.
Confrontation: Another Digimon song-fic from Wildhorn's Jekyll and Hyde, this time using the song "Confrontation" in context with the internal struggle between Kouichi and Duskmon.
TOK Stuff of Wondrous Fun-ness and Joy!
All right, as part of IB's international wisdom, we are all required to take an epistemology (philosophical study of knowledge and how we know what we know and what do we know) class, which I in my nerdy-ness absolutely love! Hence, I shall share my philosophical happiness with all of you who happen to be board enough to be reading this. This shall be a list of all my TOk moments (moments when I have philosophical revelations or questions or thoughts or pretty much anything having to do with the theory of knowledge), fun TOK quotes, other people's TOK moments I found interesting, and any nifty TOK related stuff we do/talk about in TOK class. It'll make you think and, if nothing else, it'll make you laugh at my ultimate nerdy-ness.
So, the other day I was having sushi with a friend and her family when an argument began over when the first shuttle crashed in relation to when someone first tried yakisoba. I didn't catch the dates because I was too excited over the knowledge issue in language that was causing their conflict! Clearly, the word shuttle was undefined so each individual was talking about the crash of a different object. Until someone defined exactly what a shuttle was, there was no way to know when the first one crashed! There was also a knowledge issue in emotion for me as both individuals were proud and would never under pain of death admit to being wrong (that statement was another knowledge issue in language due to the exaggeration), so I would be unable to determine when the first shuttle crashed because of the emotional interference and bias from both sources.
So I was watching The Land Before Time, The Big Freeze and the teacher figure in the movie stated that Littlefoot should respect him and trust he is right in all maters because he is 'the oldest and the wisest in the Great Valley'. This is a logical fallacy and hence a knowledge issue in reason! Just because someone is older does not mean that they know more or you should trust their knowledge. As a matter of fact, according to Socrates, people who claim to know everything usually know less than those who admit there are things they don't know.
I was watching the Scooby-Doo Monsters Unleashed Movie and there cam a part when Velma was hanging from a walk way above her impending doom. Seth Green was trying to pull her up but she was also holding onto the walkway, so they were in a bit of a stalemate. He told her to let go so he could pull her up and she said she only trusted the facts and the facts said he was the bad guy and then he asked her what her heart said, which is another way of saying what do you know based off of your emotions. Then I said "My heart says I should not trust knowledge based off my emotions because there are too many knowledge issues associated with emotion as a way of knowing such as lack of rational evidence and extreme personal bias!"
My brother and I were having a philosophical/nerd conversation and we were talking about thought process. Both of us think in words, as in we think "That's hot" when we touch something hot and such, but he thinks with his own voice saying the words while my thoughts have no voice or sound associated with it. My thoughts are just words. Neither of us can think in images, such as when we think of tea we think "tea", we do not see a cup of tea or tea liquid or smell tea. Then I suggested that maybe if we had never learned a language in any form, we might think with our senses (sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell) and/or our emotions. He hypothesized that we might form our own type of language, but I still feel that you would think in sense perception and emotion because that is what you would know how to use best. Our society is centered around language to the point where it is quite impossible to communicate without some form of it (body language is included in language for me, though if you want to debate that I'd love to), so it seems only natural to me that we should think with language as well.
I was browsing Deviant Art and came across a series of Kingdom Hearts comics by =ImageC0rrupt3d dealing with Organization XIII, a group of 'Nobodies' who were not meant to exist and therefore don't, but still have a physical presence in the universe. The concept of a Nobody is enough to get me thinking for weeks on end, but that's not the point. One of them said "If Somebodys exist, we exist. We assert to be part of existence. If we claim that something exists..." Then the other said "But the question is does 'Existence' exist?" and the first replied "Then that doesn't add to the concept that it doesn't exist!" and then they were attacked by wildebeest. Funky comic, rather amusing in a perverted sense. Made me giggle and was very TOK.
"We are rarely what we seem and even less often what we dream." Schmendrick the Magician
"It's the year 2000. But where are the flying cars? I was promised flying cars! I don't see any flying cars! Why? Why? Why?" Avery Brooks
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. Andre Gide
There's more to the truth than just the facts. Author Unknown
Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after. Henry David Thoreau
If you think you're free, there's no escape possible. Ram Dass
Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked. "Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat. "I don't know," Alice answered. "Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter." Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
The map is not the territory. Alfred Korzybski
Among creatures born into chaos, a majority will imagine an order, a minority will question the order, and the rest will be pronounced insane. Robert Brault, robertbrault.com
If a placebo has an effect, is it any less real than the real thing? Nathaniel LeTonnerre
Reason and faith are both banks of the same river. Doménico Cieri Estrada
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. Niels Bohr
No snowflake ever falls in the wrong place. Zen
More later. Have fun and question everything!
Eric committed suicide on December 2, 2008. He was almost 17, barely younger than me though, oddly enough, he always seemed older. Words can't give justice to him, but I have to try. He was tall, probably close to 6 foot, but to me, he looked like a giant. His hair was milk chocolate brown and a little on the long side, falling to his shoulders then fanning out in a surfer-boy style, and it bounced when he walked. It was the type of hair that you just wanted to reach out and touch, but of course, you never did. His skin was tanned from ridiculous amounts of sunlight and his body was lean and muscular. His eyes were brown and narrow, warm and calming, yet sparkling with an intense zest for adventure and fun. I would say life, but that's too morbidly ironic. Personally, I think his best feature was his voice. It was warm and smooth and rich; and it could always make you feel fuzzy and happy inside, like a dark chocolate truffle. Eric had all of three expressions: pensive, content, and slightly crazed yet still remarkably calm. Zen.
He was one of the most remarkable people to walk the planet, no exaggeration. The reason he was so muscular was because he loved rock climbing, parkour, backpacking, yoga, long distance bike riding, skateboarding, and being active in general. If there was a tree or a cliff, he was up it; if there was a bike, he was on it; if there was a break in class, he was on the floor twisting his body into strange and fascinating positions. I didn't know a boy could bend like that, but there he was, a glorified pretzel on the history floor. You wouldn't suspect any of this by looking at him. He was often described as an "old soul" and projected this aura of calming warmth that could make anyone feel better just by being around him. Eric was very self disciplined, followed a strict vegan diet, an IB (International Baccalaureate) student, explored Eastern religions, anti drug and alcohol, the works. He was insanely smart, in college calculous at 16, and he loved science, hoping to attend college at Northwest (no details). At the same time he was very artistic, a poet and "deep thinker", which meant he contemplated the meaning of existence and regularly discussed conceptual ideas that most people never even conceived of, and an avid reader. He'd surprise everyone with the most mind boggling of questions as to why and how the universe works. He would have loved the IB Theory of Knowledge class.
Through all of this he remained unselfish and, as impossible as it sounds, pure. He was extremely kind and tolerant and well known for his great empathy for others. There were times when he'd just walk up to someone he'd barely met, plop down next to them, and ask "So what's your story?" Or call someone he wasn't very close to and say "You should play with me!" He could sense when you were hurting, and somehow just made it better. Once a week he'd bring in muffins or cookies that he'd made somewhere (he had a tendency to take over friends' kitchens) and hand them out freely. There was never a bad one in the batch. He did it because he loved to see other people enjoying life as much as he loved to bake, which was a lot. He was always in flip-flops regardless of the weather, and these were attached to his over-one-shoulder backpack (Really it was more of a bag, since it bounced on his hip. He wore it across his chest, that way it was most secure incase he decided to take off to somewhere.) with a carabiner. So most of the time he was shoe-less and sock-less and, as such, became known as the barefoot boy.
What Eric was really famous for were his hugs. They were freely and frequently given and the absolute best hugs in the history of hugs. Some people give good hugs, others OK hugs, Eric's were divine. If normal hugs were the cheep, plastic-like chocolate you find on cheep chocolate cakes shaved up to look decorative, his hugs were a Belgium truffle, Godiva chocolate, love-fest! They weren't the quick, loose, casual hugs you come across even in close friendships, or the claustrophobic death-squeezes from loved ones you haven't seen in far too long. They were Utopian, and no, I can't stress that enough. He'd take you in his strong arms and hold you to his chest like you were the most important thing in the world. His grip would be secure, but never uncomfortable, like a blanket supporting you and holding you in place. Your head would lean against his chest at a flawless angle, so he served as the most comfortable of pillows, his heartbeat pulsing against your ear like a lullaby. And he was so impossibly warm, even on the coldest days. Sometimes he'd even nuzzle into your neck or rest his head on top of yours, molding to fit whoever he was hugging perfectly. But there was more than a physical aspect to Eric's hugs. They were like when you were little and afraid and your parent or grandparent or older relative would hold you, protect you. When you felt badly, they made it better; when you were alone they showed you that there was someone there; when you were afraid they sheltered you. I don't care if you were being chased by brain eating zombies or your worst nightmares, a hug from Eric would make it all better. I never felt as safe and happy as I did in Eric's arms. He was like that, he didn't need words to tell you that he loved you. And he loved everything and everybody he came in contact with, truly loved them. You might wonder how I can be so certain that he loved us after what he did, and I can't say anything for certain. That's just how love works sometimes, you just know, you can just feel it. Some of you know what I mean and some of you won't. Eric loved us all, even when he didn't really know us.
The easiest thing to do is to read this like most other things on this site, like a story. In a way it is, our lives are really little more than a collection of stories. What distinguishes them, what makes them life instead of fiction, is that they're real. This is real. While my friend was taking his own life I was in my room almost in tears over a lab report. While he was suffering I was going through life as usual. It never crossed my mind to thank him for the little things he did every day that made life worth living, none of us did. And now he's gone. I can't express the grief we all feel, or the loss the world has sustained. All I can say is that something precious, one of the most innately good people and brightest beacons of hope for humanity, is gone. All I can do is write. It won't bring him back, he's in God's hands now, but it can keep him alive. I put this out here so that you may read and know and remember, so that the world can see and know him, so that even in death he can continue to bring light. There is so much pain our world, so much sadness, and sometimes all we feel we can do is cry. It got to Eric, and it took him away from us. Don't let it get to you, or anyone you know. Somethings are unavoidable, and we will all bleed before it ends, but we can still try. Eric taught us to embrace and enjoy life, to do something random and be friends with someone new. His only fault is that he didn't practice what he preached, that he gave up on this quest we're all on before it ended. Animadverto decor in totus vita. Notice beauty in all life. I challenge you all now, hear Eric's message, open your eyes and see what a wonderful place we have, what a miracle it is. Be kind to someone who don't deserve it. Show people you love them, don't just tell them. Bake something and hand it out at wherever you go, call up an old friend and play with them, give someone a hug, take off your shoes and feel the earth beneath you, be spontaneous, prove the Eric lived! All we can do is live.