Author has written 77 stories for Bleach, Naruto, and Fairy Tail.
CoLu week was fantastic, everyone! So many people submitted, and it was just so super cool!
Eien and I are already setting up for next year!
I am definitely participating in Navia Week and I'm SUPER EXCITED for it! It starts on August 1st, with August 8th being a bonus day.
Here are the prompts!
Day 1: Steam
Day 2: Sundrops
Day 3: Jealous
Day 4: Promises
Day 5: Together
Day 6: Family
Day 7: Seasons
Bonus, Day 8: Regrets
:Admiral of the Supreme Leader's Satirical Legion of the Crack Fiction Liberation Army:
"To eliminate or decrease over-repetitive conceptualizations of fandoms in the pursuit of heterogeneous prose and poetry."
Special thanks goes out to MagicInTheStars who let me use her artwork for Antivenin!! She's so awesome!
When I decide to rate a fic M, I do so for a reason. And that reason is not smut. In fact, assume the M stands for Mind-fu... er ahem... I mean, Mental Anguish. ...And language.
Now a lie. Antivenin and probably It's All In The Cards will have smut...ish... things. So will my CoLu week stuff. I will give fair warning.
I have a Tumblr, now! And I sort of know how to use it!
Here is a blog I made 100% dedicated to CoLu. Because I am just that obsessed. It accepts submissions, so post fanart, fanfiction, whatever! Let me know if you want me to promote your work on your behalf!
I made another blog that will contain the full stories for the Strange Stuff section. This is in an effort to clean up my profile.
About Me (Although why you would want to know about a weirdo like me is beyond my powers of deductive reasoning):
I'm a girl, and I live in the United States. I am 24 years old and rather broke. I have delusions of grandeur and for fun like to plot world domination. And not for my stories... I mean actual world domination. My plans are all ultimately doomed to failure, though, due to having the same inherent flaw... they all involve me at the helm.
Personality? I'm a blonde who tells blonde jokes to her blonde friends. Also, I plot world domination in my spare time, and read Algebra textbooks for fun. Draw your own conclusions from that. (Or read Strange Stuff down a ways on this profile.)
I am only just returning from a super long hiatus from fanfiction. (And am I the only one who finds it odd that this site thinks the word 'fanfiction' is a typo?) I would like to apologize to anyone I offended or hurt by my sudden disappearance. A lot of personal shit happened these last couple of years, that kept me from wanting to write. I do plan to rewrite most of my fanfictions, but there are only a few I will be actively working on: my Fairy Tail fanfics and Waking Up At September's End.
Because people keep asking me, I've decided to post my current update schedule. I will bold the one next in line and the one-shots I'm working on currently. Minor Villains is not included because I (try to) do daily updates for that.
COLU WEEK PROMPTS - THEY ARE CONSUMING MY LIFE
Field Trip - TotoMary & CocoRomeo (parental prequel to Unconventional Beauty & Valentines Day Challenge Fic #1) - I know, not finished in time. Needed more time with it.
In The Wings:
These are the longer stories I intend to do - but only once I finish up one of my longer projects. Does not include one-shots, two-shots, etc. I will probably put up a poll when it comes time to decide, and let you guys vote for it. Mostly listed here for my own reference in the meantime.
Cobra and Erza's fates are thrown into chaos when Cobra escapes from the Tower of Heaven, and Erza is sold to Brain instead. As a consequence, nothing will be as it was meant to become. Fiore and Fairy Tail will be forever changed. Eventual CoLu and possible NatZa. Adventure/Angst.
Hell Fire's Daughter
Flare returns a portion of her gift to save Atlas Flame's life. Afterward, he accompanies her when she goes to visit Fairy Tail. When a blond dragon slayer takes an interest in his adopted daughter, Atlas discovers that he does not approve. At all. Laxus suddenly finds it very difficult to court the girl of his dreams with an overprotective Hell Fire dragon daddy just waiting for an excuse to barbecue him. FlaLax. Humor/Romance. - Alternative Title: Daddy Does Not Approve.
The Celestial Spirit King has a favor to ask of his favorite Celestial Mage - to destroy the walking corpse of a Celestial Mage long since fallen, and put its soul to rest at last. To this end, she must seek out both the fallen mage and the five Ghost Keys. Lucy did not expect, however, to develop a friendship with a strange traveler along the way. One who seems to be very, very interested in her magic... Marucy. Genre undecided.
Mard Geer is growing the ranks of Tartaros' demons, but only the best will do. Perhaps someone capable of summoning his old rival, the Spirit King, is exactly what he's looking for... So he sends Jackal to locate and capture a mage rumored to possess that ability. But when the blond bomber meets a certain blonde bombshell... the world is going to explode around them. JackaLu and MiraMard. Genre undecided.
Visions Of Mundanity
Erza arrives at the guild one morning to discover that no one but her recalls being a mage! Something is clearly afoot, and she's going to require outside assistance to return everyone back to normal - before their unused magic building up starts to have side-effects... MidZa and CoLu. Mystery/Romance
While on a mission to Desierto, Minerva's life is saved by a sand mage. She begins to question just what it means to be strong, and weak - all while trying to complete her mission and avoid falling for a scruffy Fairy. MinMax. Romance/Adventure. Set just before the return of the Tenrou group.
Travails of Travelers
Mard Geer survived by petrifying his book at the last possible second, though it trapped him. Later, the Rajinshuu and Laxus come upon the book after the guild disbands. Recognizing a petrification spell when she sees one, Evergreen lifts it and Mard Geer is restored to the world. No longer certain of his purpose and without a home, the Rajinshuu invite him along on their journey. Mostly Mard x Rajinshuu broshipping, eventual MiraMard. Hurt/Comfort/Friendship.
I Can Do Anything Better Than You
Lucy has had quite enough of Sting's constant boasting, thank you very much. So she decides to hit him where it hurts - his ego. Much to the amusement of everyone around them. Also to the benefit of Cana's purse. Falling in love was not exactly part of the plan. Based VERY loosely on the song, "Anything You Can Do (I Can Do Better)" from "Annie Get Your Gun." Sticy. Humor/Romance
Loke, aka Leo the Lion, suddenly grows a tail. The Celestial World proceeds to lose its collective mind. LoLu. Humor/Romance
King Of The Dragons
Because it is good to be the king. No pairings at present. Acnologia, Skiadrum, Rogue, and Future Rogue-centric. Horror/Fantasy
Upon the accidental activation of an artifact in a dark guild stronghold, Jellal and Edo-Jellal find themselves switching places. Jellal suddenly finds himself a King, not a wanted criminal, and Mystogan finds himself home again. Both search for a way back, but as time goes on... they begin to question whether or not they really want to return. Jellal x Edo Lucy. Adventure/Mystery
The Dead Forest
Once upon a time, Necrodas went by another name. See how a young man named Skaldra became the monstrous Lord of the Dead Forest. Villain's side story to Beyond The Gate. No pairings at present. Fantasy/Tragedy
Sometimes the darkness IS the light. Villain's side story to Beyond The Gate. Horror.
Heart Of Darkness
As a wraith, Niddhogr could no longer affect the world as he once had. His only option was to follow The Mother's absolute commands. Until the last Proprietor of the Dimensional Bookshop offered him an alternative to his endless wandering and a shot at revenge upon the one who ripped away his previous existence. The Proprietor's side story to Beyond The Gate. No pairings at present. Angst/Fantasy.
What happens when you have a soul-eating dragon wraith, a modern world Lucy, and a time-traveling-inept Future Rogue living in and managing an inter-dimensional bookshop? Falling book stacks, awkward conversations, motion-sickness medicine, strange clientele, airplanes, lots and lots of monologues, and unwelcome visits from a World-Eating Serpent named Jo. Modern Lucy x Future Rogue. Humor/Fantasy.
Unbeknowst to the humans, not all dragons were wiped out by Acnologia during the Dragon Festival. The oceanic dragons all survived by staying beneath their dark waters, where the corrupt former Dragon Slayer could not reach them. But one of these dragons has grown weary of hiding. It shall emerge from the depths to complete the Slayers' training. And Acnologia will fall. No pairings at present. Adventure/Fantasy
Thanks to a recent prisoner medical checkup, the Magic Council has discovered distant family members for many of the former Oracion Seis. Erza, ecstatic that she has family still in the world, immediately petitions to have her cousin transferred into her custody. There's just one problem - she can't leave Fairy Hills, and as a male, he cannot live there with her. So Erza decides to enlist the very unwilling participation of her best female friend, Lucy. CoLu. CoZa broship. Humor/Romance.
And So Darkness Falls
Hisui succeeded in her plan to journey to the past and erase Zeref. Well... the journeying part, at least. Zeref is proving difficult to locate - especially in the midst of a dragon war. Surprise pairings. Adventure/Tragedy.
Team Natsu has somehow managed to take a wrong turn, ending up stranded in the canyons near Clover. You would think after the first time they would learn better. But maybe there are a few secrets to be discovered within these high rock walls. No pairings at present. Adventure/Friendship
Catch And Release
Lucy runs away from home - but Jude discovers her escape sooner than anticipated. He hires Phantom Lord to chase her down, and they send Gajeel Redfox. After he drags her back home, kicking and screaming, Gajeel gets hired to hunt her down. Again. Every time he drags her home, she just runs away - and she's getting better at evading him. Eventual friendshippy GaLu. Friendship/Adventure
Winter Dragon's Sky
Lyon may have given up on Juvia, but his heart still hurts to watch her chase after Gray. Lucy, in need of an ice-mage partner for a dangerous mission, sees his loneliness and invites him along. Only... they get far more than they bargained for on the cold, dark mountain and in true Fairy Tail fashion, things go horribly, horribly wrong. LyLu. Adventure/Horror - Alternative Title: Fimbulvetr.
The Mother of the Wraiths has taken note of a certain Celestial Mage's meddling in her script. To combat this evil, Fairy Tail may need to rely on some old enemies... including a certain Dragon of Catastrophe. No pairings at present. Fantasy/Horror.
The Rusted Gate
The people investigating an ancient ruin in Edolas disappear - along with Lucy Ashley and Erza Knightwalker. King Jellal decides to investigate himself along with Hughes - only to find himself sucked into Earthland. He enlists Fairy Tail's help in getting home and locating his missing people. The only way home may be 3 corroded Celestial keys with nasty contract stipulations. MystLu & HughesMaryHughes. Adventure/Romance
Re: Change Your Forwarding Address
Lucy moves into a new apartment, only to discover the previous tenant didn't change his forwarding address when she receives all his mail (and unwelcome visits from his confused friends). Getting his new address from her scary landlady, she writes him a scathing letter of rebuke. Only to have him respond civilly. Told entirely in letters. RoLu. Humor/Romance Modern AU
Your Apology Is Unacceptable
With Erza on a mission, Lucy delivers the latest letter of apology to Era about Team Natsu's destructiveness. Lahar sends her back, finding the letter to be completely unapologetic, with orders to rewrite it. As many times as it takes. Doranbolt thinks Lahar just wants an excuse to see the blonde girl again. LaharLu. Humor/Romance
Lucy x Cobra (MY OTP. Deep love for this pairing came about while writing Beyond The Gate and later Antivenin. The more I write for them the more I love them.)
Cobra x Lucy x Rogue (MY OT3. BECAUSE I LOVE THEM. SO MUCH.)
Lucy x Rogue (He kills her, and she falls in love with him? My brain went YES! ...There is something wrong with me. After writing my RoLu fics, I really fell deeply in love with them.)
Lucy x Gray (I loved them together first, will always have a soft spot for them.)
Lucy x Jura (After writing Shooting The Breeze, I realized that this might be really cute. I definitely plan to write something for this pairing someday because this site has very few fics for them...)
Lucy x Lahar (Because it's adorable. Really. And I want to read a Lucy x Fem-Lahar story someday. I have no idea why.)
Lucy x Mest (Recently came to the realization that this would be REALLY CUTE.)
Lucy x Pretty Much Anyone (What can I say? I love the girl. Give her her pick!)
Mirajane x Mard Geer (I blame Eien ni Touko and thefourteenthdarkone for this.)
Wendy x Mest/Doranbolt (Yeah, definitely something wrong with me.)
Kinana x Cobra (Snake-boy meets Snake-girl. So cute!)
Mirajane x Freed (I can totally see those looks you two shoot each other! Plus, only demons can handle other demons. Is fact.)
Cana x Bacchus (Two drunks in love.)
Cana x Lahar (HELP)
Mary Hughes x Hughes (Would be so frickin' hilarious.)
Mary Hughes x Totomaru (The two-toned hair!)
Erza x Jellal (Made for each other!)
Erza x Midnight (I have a need for this pairing.)
Erza x Kageyama (The more I think about it, the more I want to write it.)
Juvia x Lyon (The two with the most obsessive tendencies in the entire series.)
Juvia x Gajeel (Why are there so few. Why.)
Juvia x Natsu (Fire and Water? Now THAT would be hot.)
Minerva x Max (After writing Dark Sands, I now ship it super hard.)
Laki x Max (Just 'cause. They seem to be pretty good friends.)
Flare x Laxus (Can't explain it. Would just be unbelievably adorable.)
Flare x Lyon (Fire and Ice of a different kind! Plus, the ship name. Flareon. YES.)
Flare x Sting (Again... the ship name. Fling.)
Earthland Coco x Romeo (So... freaking... cute.)
Cobra x Erza (Now THAT would be a terrifying/amazing couple.)
Kinana x Dobengal (I blame Eien.)
Mickey Chickentiger x Dobengal (I blame Tumblr.)
I love Sibling-Ships of all kinds.
Ulquiorra x Orihime (My very first ship, ever. Still angry at Tite Kubo.)
Soi Fon x Ggio Vega (He would've been perfect for her squad.)
Histugaya x Matsumoto (YES. SO MUCH FUN.)
Sakura x Sasori (Potential for dark fics is amazing.)
Sakura x Kisame (Shark dude needs love, too!)
Sakura x Gaara (Because one homicidal red head isn't enough.)
Sakura x Sai (In my brain, Insults = Love.)
Sakura x Pretty Much Anyone Except Sasuke (Really, really hate Sasuke.)
Karin x Suigetsu (Once again, Insults = Love.)
Hinata x Shino (Just so adorable words cannot describe it.)
Naruto x Ramen (THE TRUE PAIRING OF THE SERIES.)
Hermione x Draco (That equation of Insults = Love sure does pop up a lot.)
Hermione x Snape (She needs someone who can intellectually challenge her.)
Ginny x Blaise (Snarky red head and snarky snake.)
Harry x Pansy (I dunno what to say. It's pretty damn cute.)
Parker x Eliot
Parker x Hardison
Eliot x Parker x Hardison (I SHIP THIS SO HARD THE OT3 TO END THEM ALL)
Sophie x Nate
May add other series someday...
Strange Stuff... (But true...)
Ahem...WARNING! My life is...well...my life may make you laugh till you cry. Or suffocate. Or you may just pity me. Personally, I just cry. Just to forewarn you.
Me: (sitting on couch in pain)...
Mom: (walks into kitchen) Why is there a noodle on the wall?
Me: ...I don't know, Mom.
Mom: (some time later) Sierra, why is there a noodle on the wall?
Sierra: OH! I'm so sorry! I totally forgot about it!
James: Hey, it sort of left a funky mark behind.
Kiri: (she was told) Oh that's nothing. We once had pancake batter on the ceiling.
Me: ...HOW?! How is that possible?!
Kiri: My brothers are just talented like that.
Me: ... (can't think of anything to say to this)
Me: (sleeping) Nooooo! Nooo! You can't make me wear that dress! NO YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!! NOOOOOOOO!!
Everyone else: (giving me strange looks) ...
Me: (wakes up) What?
Sierra: What were you dreaming about?
Me: Giant raptors tearing me to pieces and eating the bits. Why?
Sierra: Nothing. Go back to sleep.
Brittney: (sleep walking, looks straight at Sam) Why Shawn? (Her little brother.) Why? Why did you kill me, Shawn?
Sam: ...(too shocked to say anything)
Brittney: Why did you stab me, Shawn?
Brittney: (sleeping on the couch) Tundra! NO TUNDRA! Mmmm mmm...stegasaurus pickles. Yummy numm rrrmmfff rmmff...CRAP! (falls off the couch)
Everyone else: ...(Just staring)
Brittney: I think I remember saying 'crap.'
Mom: (Walks through dancing and humming.)
Mickey: (Looks at Sierra and Me) She's YOUR mother.
Sierra and Me: YOU MARRIED HER!!
Sierra: What was that?
Me: GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!!
Mom: The cats are attacking her crutches again.
Matt: Can I call you Crutchy?
Matt: Can I call you Crutches?
Matt: Can I call you Lame? Or Limp?
Me: (gives demonic glare)
Matt: I'll take that as a no.
Matt: Can I call you Gimp?
Me: NO WAY IN HELL!!
Sergeant Major: How are you doing today, Gimp?
Me: (Just keeps walking) Fine, sir.
Sierra: Hey, Mom. (shows fingernails, they're painted black) Are these okay, or are they too Goth?
Mom: (looks at the fingernails, then smiles innocently) Well, it's almost Halloween.
Sierra: (storms off) I'm going to get some orange nail polish then!
Mom: Ooooh! Paint little pumpkins on! (completely missing the sarcasm)
Me: ... (in library with Japanese dictionary, having grammar issues)
Me: ... (forehead vein pulsing)
Me: AHHHHHH!! SOMEONE CARVE MY BRAIN OUT WITH A FREAKING SPOON!! IT'D BE LESS PAINFUL!!
People in library: ... (staring)
Sierra: (shaking violently) I hate bush planes, I hate bush planes.
Me: Oh c'mon! It was just a sudden lurch and a drop of fifty feet!
Everyone else on the plane: ...
Dakota: Cousin, you and Grandma are the only ones who are fine with this.
Me: Grandma's asleep.
Dakota: Exactly! And isn't it supposed to be disturbing that you are actually having-(plane lurches and drops again) -fun? (he looks green)
Me: WHEE! LET'S DO THAT AGAIN!! (gets weird looks)
Me: Mom, mom! MOM! Wake up! Do you not care about me any more?!
Mom: (makes a noise)
Me and Sierra: ...
Sierra: You do realize that she just laughed at you, right?
Me: YES! I AM AWARE!!
Me: (Staring blankly at nothing, mouth open, stupid grin on face)
Mat: What's wrong with her?
Me: (Makes strange noises, starts falling over)
Kiri:...!! (Catches me.)
Mat: Seriously, what's with her?!
Kiri: She took painkillers for her ankle.
Sam: She was singing something about 'Codeine' on the bus.
Kiri: That would explain it.
Me: (having a temporary moment of lucidity) Maybe because I took it with a poppyseed muffin.
Arielle: ...You do realize that's what opium is made from, right.
Me: (blank stare)
Me: (starts falling over again)
Jake: You are a Sam! This is a metal box!
Sam: Ah, yes! That's--(gets hit on the head with the box)--Waaah!
Jake: You are a Guidebook! (Zach's nickname) This is a metal box!
Zach: (gets hit twice) DON'T TOUCH ME!!
Jake: You are a Kyle! This is a metal box! (whacks him on the head)
Me: (turns around) Yeah?
Jake: I'm not even going to bother with the introduction for you. (hits me on the head)
Me: ... (blinks)
Taki: Hit Guidebook again!!
Jake: Sam! Come closer! I have a secret to tell you!
Sam: (leans in, gets hit in the head with the box again) ... (blinks)
Me: You fell for it, Sam.
Me: You know, cousin, my friends seem to think that I'm crazy. And then my mother says or does--(she walks by, dancing to the department store music)--something like that.
Dakota: I feel your pain. (His mother walks by, doing the same thing)
Me and Dakota: ...
Me: My sister and her friend are doing it too...
Dakota: When in Rome... (starts dancing too)
Me: ... (slaps forehead)
Me: Mom, there's a giant wolf spider over there... (points)
Mom: Wow, that thing's huge...
Sierra: Why are you guys not freaking out? It's as big as my fist!
Me and Mom: (Shrug)
Me: Mom, (points) wolf spider.
Mom: Where's the broom?
Me: Can I keep the corpse?
Mom: What for?
Me: You know Zach? His birthday's coming up and I don't have anything to give him. So, I thought that I could take the dead spider and tape it to the bottom of a box and give that to him.
Sierra: Isn't he deathly afraid of spiders?
Me: Yeah, insects too. Even butterflies.
Mom: No. It's unsanitary.
Sierra: ... (staring)
Me: Not because it's mean, but because it's unsanitary. (Mom nods) Wow...
Me: Friends are people who you want desperately to kill, but like too much to do so.
Mom: Don't you love your friends?!
Me: Doesn't mean I can't fantasize about strangling them to death...
Sierra: Remember?! It's the Code of the Pickle!!
Everyone else: ...
Me: (slaps forehead) ...You mean the Tradition of the Christmas Pickle...
Mickey: I don't know if this ornament is plastic, or glass. (Takes out knife and taps it. It shatters.)
Mickey: It's glass.
Me: (slaps forehead and sighs)
Mom and Me: (watching a thriller about a serial killer) AHHHHH!!
Mom: This is too creepy...change the channel...
Me: Okay. We made it through one thriller, but couldn't make it through the second, huh?
Me: (walks off, comes back about ten minutes later) !! You're watching it again?!
Mom: It sucked me in...
Me: (sits back down and starts watching again) ...this is creeeeeeepy... (terrified, and almost crying, but still watching)
Business Teacher: The wheel's turning but the hamster's dead.
Class: (bursts into fits of laughter)
Mom: Sierra! That's gross, and not lady-like at all!
Me: Um, Mom? Ladies don't normally wield pickaxes and tear up the yard with them. (which Sierra just so happened to be doing at the time...)
Me: (checking out pictures at my Aunt's house) Whoa! It's a picture of Dakota! (my male cousin) He was so pretty at that age! Why did he have to get older and then get taller than me when he's two years younger?! WHY DID HE CUT HIS BEAUTIFUL HAIR?! HE WAS PRETTY!!
Aunt: You know, he would probably get pissed if he heard you say that.
Me: I know, but still! He was pretty!
Me and Auntie: (Sigh)
Me: (eating at high school, then pauses) o.O
Sam: What's with the bug eyes?
Me: (points) Those guys are trying to stuff a tree down a garbage can.
Sam: Oh. My. God.
The Guys: Get down there, stupid tree! (Tree gets stuck) Oh, shit...
Me and Sam: (Sigh)
Vice Principal: (who can't believe he's seeing this) Guys...just...put the tree down...thank you...
Amber: (in ROTC class, open tile above our heads) OH MY GOD!!
Me and Erin: What?
Amber: A RAT just ran by over our heads! I SWEAR!!
Erin and Tiffany: AHHH!!
Me: Hey, wasn't the Freshman campus condemned before they opened it up because the high school got too crowded?
Me: Hey, little sister!
Me: Wasn't the Freshman campus a prison, before?
Sierra: No, that was the main campus.
Me: ...Where we go now?
Sam: Everyone in our high school is just so laid back...
Me: With a Shikamaru-like attitude? "Troublesome?"
Sam: Yeah, pretty much. Whenever a fight breaks out everyone's all like, "Ahh maaaaan. They're blocking the hallway..."
Everyone: (Fight breaks out) Ahh maaaaaan! They're blocking the hallway...
Random Teacher: All of you! Get to class now and quit watching the fight!
Everyone: But we can't move!
Everyone: We're stuck! We're not watching the fight, really! We can't get around it!
Person: Good luck forcing your way through, teach...
Me and Sam: This is our school... (Sigh) Hopeless...
Sam: We have the attitude of cattle, "MOOOOOOOVE." (Fight moves to one side.) YES!
Sam: This is what would happen on a field trip to a prison with our school:
Teacher: Okay class! Here we are!
Me and Sam: Wow! It's just like school! (sarcastic)
Teacher: What do mean?
Me: Well, see the small hallways, and dim lights?
Sam: The random fights breaking out...
Me: The drug sniffing dogs...
Sam: The armed police telling everyone to "Be nice"...
Teacher: (can't think of anything) ...Well at least you don't have to wear orange jumpsuits!
Me and Sam: (look at each other) True. Good point.
Teacher: Yes! (pulls out a board and puts a tally on it under: Teacher) Two points! (Virginia and Sam's side of the board) ...47 points. Damn...(I actually had a teacher that did this, once...luckily Sam and I have never been in a single class together, ever.)
Mom: (After a catfight between me and my sister) Now girls, what have we learned?
Sierra: Don't fight with your sister, and keep your nails short...
Mom: Good. Virginia?
Me: Don't bring a fork to a knife fight.
Mom: (whips around and stares at Sierra) ...
Sierra: Hey, knives don't actually work all that well against the almighty fork. See? (shows injury) She's deadly with that fork. I never got her with anything except my claws.
Mom: Hey, I cooked your pop tart. It's a little burnt around the edges, though.
Me: ... (staring) Oh. My. God. You burnt a hole through a POP TART.
Mom: (looks proud of herself)
Me: (still staring) Did you put butter on this before you put it in the toaster?
Me: (pokes) The sugar...in the frosting...caramelized...
Mickey: That's your mother, for you.
Sierra: And that's why you keep me.
Mom: The law says I have to.
Mickey: (driving in Nevada) You fall asleep driving, and you'll go hours without hitting anything worse than bushes.
Me: Right up until you run out of gas.
Mom: Or end up stuck in a sandy wash, and you wake up and yell, "WHERE THE HELL AM I?!"
Mickey: ... (crazy driving)
Me: Rocket us off this cliff, and if the fall doesn't kill you, I will.
Mom and Sierra: Zzzzz... (they slept right through it)
Me: Oww, ow owowowowowowowowowowow...
Me: I rolled my hair up in the window...
Mickey: Pft. (choking back laughter)
Mom and Sierra: Zzzz... (still sleeping through it)
Mickey: ... (more crazy driving)
Me: You had better hope that the cliff kills you when we go off it.
Me: It'll be a faster death than the one I'll give you.
Mom and Sierra: Zzzz... (STILL SLEEPING, GODDAMMIT!)
Mickey: (holding car door) Come on, get out.
Me: (takes off headphones) Okay. WAHH!! (falls out of car)
Mickey: How in the world did your headphones get from your head to wrapped around your ankle so quickly? Must have missed that part...
Me: (ignoring, shaking headphones off)
Sierra: Why are there witnesses at an execution?
Mom: So that someone can't say that they were executed when they actually ran away or just weren't executed.
Courtney: Just like at a wedding.
Mom: Oh, shit!
Me: You made the butter explode AGAIN?!
Mom: (nods meekly)
Courtney: I LOVE the drama in this town. It's like a soap opera.
Me: Even though it's called a city, it barely classifies as a town. It has all of the markers of a small town: obsession over the sports programs, tiny art programs, everybody knows everybody and everybody's business within fifteen minutes of anything happening, it's got a lot of racial prejudice, and nobody, not even the founders, are or were in their right minds.
Sierra: (talking on the phone with her boyfriend, proving my point accidentally) Oh yeah, Bobby?! Well you and your friends were jumping through a fire while pouring lighter fluid on it!
Courtney: (breaks down laughing, she can't stop)
Me: See my point? And, originally, there were three founders of this town. One built across the river, and the other two worked on this side. The problem? They tried to build parallel to the river. The river is not straight. That, and they were using two different maps and thought that they were matching up. Thus, we have those weird streets.
Courtney: That's so sad...
Kiri: Hey, Virginia?
Kiri: Can I have some duct tape?
Me: ...What do you think I am, a serial killer? I didn't bring my serial killer kit today, so sorry. No duct tape for you.
Mom: I need you to clean out everything in your car, since we're getting rid of the car. (Because SHE broke it!!)
Me: ...Fine. (starts cleaning)
Mechanic: Are you all done?
Me: (shudders) I never wanna have to do that again. It was disturbing.
Mickey: (once I'm home) Where did you put all of the stuff from your car?
Mickey: Clean it out.
Me: ... (too horrified)
Me: (brings in stuff)
Mom: What the...
Me: This is everything. Papers, reciepts, old packages, a pair of scissors, millions of pens, a key chain, a small clay pot from Mexico, three blankets, suet cakes for the birds, some old...nasties that I already threw away or recycled, coins, a cd case, some shirts, a bandanna, altoids, firewood, and some other random, scary things that I would rather not mention.
Mom: You seriously found a clay pot? I was wondering where that thing went.
Me: It was stuffed under one of the seats.
Mickey: Clean out the refrigerator.
Me: Why do I always get the nasty jobs?
Mickey: Just clean it.
Me: (muttering to self) What the...hell is...THIS? (later) GUYS PUT YOUR DAMN ALCOHOL WHERE IT BELONGS!! (later) AHHHHHHHH!! NAAAASSSTTTYYYY!!
Mom: (comes home and opens the refrigerator) It looks...lonely...in there. Where's all the food?
Me: (shudders) GONE. By the way, I left a couple of things as a little...surprise for you.
Mom: ...What in the world is THAT?
Me: I think it was YOUR borsht, at one point in time. Oh, and here. (hands her orange juice)
Mom: (peering in) ...I didn't know orange juice could do that.
Me: Neither did I.
Mickey: Nice job on the fridge.
Me: Once again, why do I get the nasty jobs? That was terrifying.
Mickey: Because you get it done right, and get rid of all the stuff that your mother keeps.
Me: ...I am scarred for life and this is your reason? There was something that I thought was broccoli, but...wasn't...and I still haven't learned my lesson about peeking into expired milk products. And...THERE WAS A WEIRD DOUGHY THINGY THAT MOVED ON ITS OWN!!
Mickey: Quit exaggerating.
Me: But I'm not.
Mickey and Mom: ...
Me: ...Mom...What are you doing?
Mom: (sticking Q-tips into my aunt's mouth) Playing dentist!
Me: ...What are you doing?!
Mom: Filling in her tooth.
Me: WITH WHAT?!
Mom: Oh, no! Quick Virginia! Get some dental floss!
Me: (runs and gets it)
Mom: Oh shit! I made a filling on the roof of your mouth! ...There. Fixed! It looks like a filling, only it's white!
Me: Mickey...Mom is playing dentist...with real teeth attached to real people...
Mickey: I don't care. I want to go back to sleep now.
Me: (turns back) What the...?! (my aunt is peering into my mom's mouth) It's Mom's turn?!
Mom: Yup. We don't play doctor. We play dentist. Come to think of it, didn't our old dentist look like a Nazi?
Aunt: Yeah, he did.
Mom: Oh, do you think the kitty needs fillings too?
Me: Please leave my cat alone.
Mom: What are you eating? You didn't eat the filling stuff did you?!
Me: No...it was cupcake...
Mom: That's good. Here, kitty kitty...
Mom: (talking to the dog) Come here girl...
Me: NOT OVER THE TABLE!!
Me: (talking to the dog) Go on, get the ball...NO!! NOT THE SHORT WAY OFF THE PORCH!!
Me: (after butchering, drenched in blood) ...I'm hungry.
Mickey: Me, too.
Mom: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!
Sam: (on pain meds) I am a zombie. But I have eaten my sandwich.
Me: I suck at video games.
Dakota: How so?
Me: You know how people say that you'd shoot yourself in the foot? I didn't think it was actually possible in HALO, but I've managed it.
Mom: (talking about how to toilet train children) I like bribery. Bribery works.
Mom: (helping me with graduation announcements) Are there any other relatives you like?
Me: Mom, we've just spent the last hour and a half addressing announcements to relatives I haven't seen in at least a year. I don't actually LIKE all that many of my relatives.
Me: What's Rita's last name?
Mom: ...I have no idea, and she's my sister-in-law...
Me: Hey, maybe Mickey will know, Rita IS his sister.
Mom: Honey, he won't. This is the guy who weed whacked slugs onto your clothes out on the line.
Me: ...THAT'S why they were being washed a second time? He said it was only dirt! (pauses) Then again, that would explain the slug I saw twitching on the concrete...
Mom: ...Honey, do you know how to spell Aimee's name?
Me: No. Come to think of it, what IS her last name?
Me: Maybe Mickey will know.
Mom: Actually, he might know this one. (peeks into bedroom) Nope, El Sluggo's asleep.
Mom: Virginia! Why did you stamp the announcement I'm bringing to the office?!
Me: ...I was just putting stamps on... (collapsed on the floor laughing)
Me: I'll go put these away...
Me: (keeps walking)
Mom: Been walking long, huh?
Mom: You ran into the door frame.
Me: (checking body for injuries, discovers hip hurts) ...So I did. I didn't even notice.
Mom: Happens too often?
Me: (walking in from outside, pauses, backs up) Hello, Handsome! Where have you been all my life?
Mom: That's a moth. And it hasn't moved in six hours.
Me: I don't care. (thinks a moment) ...I'm never going to get married, huh?
Mom: Probably not. Besides, I think that moth is female.
Me: ...Mom, how many crickets did you buy?
Mom: 500! I wanted to hear them chirp! (loud chirping in background) I put a lot outside your window, so you can hear them, too!
Sierra: Ha. Sucks to be you.
Mom: Don't worry, I put them outside your window, too!
Me and Sierra: Gee, thanks Mom.
Mom: No problem! (smiles happily)
Sierra: Peace and happiness, everyone! Or I'll use my claws to force you to be.
Mom: Think Sierra needs help washing the psycho kitty?
Mom: But...both of them are screaming and yowling...
Me: Both of which are things I find very pleasant and soothing.
Me: (just walking by)
Mom: (smacks my butt)
Me: What the?! (turns) Mom! Didn't your mother ever tell you that sexual harassment is bad? Are you turning into a perverted old man?!
Mom: (blank stare) ...What?
Me: You smacked my rear!
Mom: ...I did?
Me: ...You don't remember?
Mom: (shakes head)
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!
Mom: Hey! No screaming in the house!
Classmate: You don't seem like the shoe kind of person either.
Me: You're right. I only have... (starts counting) ... (stops and thinks for a long time)
Classmate: What's wrong?
Me: ...Why do I have so many shoes? I don't even particularly LIKE them...
Classmate: I wouldn't know. Maybe because you're a girl?
Me: ?? (still confused)
Sander: AHH!! GIANT SPIDER! JONIE, COME KILL IT! KILL IT!
Mom: (peers) Whoa, he's a big wolf spider. How did he get in the office without us noticing? Much less into the bathroom sink?
Sander: I don't care. Just kill it!
Mom: Fine. (pauses) Do we have anything large enough to kill it with?
Sander: ...Maybe this pancake turner?
Mom: That'll work. (smacks the spider to death) Now, how are we going to get it down the drain? It's too large to fit...
Sander: ...How about this knife?
Mom: Wonderful! (stabs the spider until it goes down the sink drain)
Me: Why do you even have a pancake turner and a knife in your office? And couldn't you have just used the pancake turner to transfer the spider into the toilet?
Mom: But you know how our plumbing is. Remember your nautical disaster?
Me: ...I'd rather not. I had to sit on a chair while the bathroom flooded. It was scary.
Mom: How deep did it get before we helped you?
Me: ...A little more than ankle deep...and it wasn't a small bathroom...
Me: Mom, the dog barfed on the carpet.
Mom: ... (talking on the phone with my sister) ...Sierra, when you get home, we have a surprise for you...
Me and Courtney: No, Kassie! (another dog) Don't eat the barf!
Sierra: Hey, look, V! Your blood's on the ceiling!
Me: Eh? No way! That's impossible, even with my legendary abilities!
Me: ...Wow, that's a rather large blood smear. How did it get there?
Sierra: I killed a mosquito. Since you seem to have seven new bites, I'm assuming the blood is yours.
Mom: Wake up, honey!
Mom: It's a quarter to seven! Get up!
Mom: (phone rings) Ah, it really is time to get up. The horses have broken into the neighbor's garden, and you have to go chase them back into the pasture.
Me: (flips over) AHHHHHHHH!! (muffled screams into pillow) ...I'm up now.
Me: And of course, Mom seems to love torture.
Courtney: I don't understand. Your mom doesn't...
Me: Let me clarify. Mom loves torturing ME and my SISTER.
Mom: (loopy grin) Yup. I can hold her down good! (proud look) Actually, Sierra isn't as much fun to torture as V. She gets all whiny.
Me: ...You like my screaming for help over Sierra's...whining?
Mom: Yup. Much more fun. (starts to poke me)
Me: Oi! Stop! Stop. STOP IT!!
Mom: See how she spasms every time I poke her side, collarbones, neck, arm, and shoulder? (continuing to poke despite anguished screams) I can make her dance!
Courtney: ... (peers at stepfather) And you don't help her?
Mickey: Why should I?
Mom: The faster you poke, the more she moves and faster!
Courtney: ...For some reason, I think you'll end up regretting that one day...
Mickey: Hey, guys, can you come look at this? (Arm is flayed open)
Mom: Wow. What did you do?
Mickey: Tripped on the porch stairs and hit it on the wall.
Mom: Sierra, does this need a regular stitch or a butterfly stitch?
Sierra: Regular should do.
Mickey: I don't need stitches!
Me: Yes, you do. Go to the hospital.
Me: ...Mom, what he's trying to say is 'I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before admitting that it hurts, that I did it to myself, or heaven forbid actually get a doctor's help to fix it.'
Mom: Yeah. (thinks) Maybe I should check and make sure our insurance will cover us in Mexico...
Me: Good idea.
Mom: But you just gotta love him... (he's wandered off by this point)
Sierra: No, we don't.
Me: Sierra means that we don't have to love him, but we do anyway.
Mom: He grows on you, doesn't he?
Me: Sort of like mold.
Me: (talking with my sister)
Mom: (walks up to us) ... (pauses, stares for a minute, then walks away)
Mom: (comes back 30 min later) I had something I was going to ask you.
Mom: (pauses, then walks away again)
Me: What just happened?
Sierra: I don't know.
Mom: (comes back) Sorry, I had to go to the bathroom.
Mom: (walks away again)
Me: ...What the hell just happened?!
Sam: The only thing that matters is that I have scarred people in the Bartell's parking lot.
Katrina's Mom: I've raised two children already, I can screw up the third if I want to!
Kiri: Can I borrow a screwdriver?
Me: What are you going to use it for?! More importantly, we've been over this! I am not a serial killer! I do not carry screwdrivers and duct tape everywhere with me!
Kiri: But you do have them?
Me: At home! For use with household projects!
Colonel: Unless Virginia killed them, or something.
Everyone: (stares at me)
Me: Look, people...I don't care what anyone else says, but I have excellent self-control. If I didn't, I would have been locked away for mass murder a long time ago.
Colonel: Only if they caught you.
Me: ...Well, this'll just have to be our little secret, then! (sarcasm)
Everyone: ... (staring, sarcasm completely lost on them)
Sergeant Major: Where's Albee?! Virginia, what did you do with her? (since I sat behind her)
Me: I stuffed her in a garbage can and rolled her down a hill, sir.
Sergeant Major: ...
Me: Don't worry, it wasn't on campus, sir.
Sergeant Major: (walks away)
Dakota: Why do you have...a book of knots?
Me: I just do. I thought it was cool.
Dakota: Then why is the most looked at page the one on how to tie a hangman's noose?
Me: They're used for other things!
Dakota: No, they're not.
Me: I just thought it was interesting that they would have it in there, okay?!
Dakota: ... (skeptical look)
Me: (sigh) Besides, I can't tie it anyway.
Me: Don't say it like that with the 'ah-ha, now I understand' expression!
Dakota: Why were you trying to learn it in the first place?
Dakota: I think I'll shut up, now...
Dustin: You have...a lot of...swords in your room...
Me: Yeah, I collect them.
Dustin: This is a nice knife.
Me: My grandfather gave it to me for self protection.
Dustin: (skeptical look)
Me: Really! Why are you looking at me like that?!
Mickey: You got a job in sales? What do you sell?
Mom: She sells knives.
Me: Kitchen cutlery! CUTLERY!!
Me: (moping to my friends) Why does everyone think I'm a serial killer?
Kiri: You aren't?
Me: (shock) ...
Kiri: I was kidding. Are you ok?
Sam: We know you're not a serial killer.
Me: Thank you.
Sam: You're too lazy to be one! You would be all, 'It's too much effort.'
Me: ...Do you really want me to prove that statement wrong? I would be willing to make an exception for you...
Teacher: (looking at my homework assignment) ...Is that...blood...?
Me: Yeah. Apparently the paper I used was too thick for your stapler.
Teacher: (horrified expression)
Me: (realizes) Oh! Wait, wait, that's not what happened! I just cut my finger trying to pull the staple out! I didn't staple my finger!
Teacher: ...I have...a better stapler, one that's not cheap like the other one...
Dentist: Congrats! You have your very first cavity!
Me: Oh. Okay. (I did not realize how cavities are fixed...)
Dentist: Come back next week to get it filled.
Dentist: (the next week) Welcome back! You're the only one here, so is it alright for my interns to watch?
Dentist: What movie do you want to watch?
Me: Dr. Doolittle.
Dentist: Here's your headphones. Now lay down.
Me: (the following in italics are my thoughts, because I couldn't talk) I like this movie. What the...? Why are they putting a Q-tip in my mouth? My cheek is going numb... Why is there a tube on my nose? Something is very, very wrong here. Tube...tube...WAIT! Nitrous Oxide! They still use laughing gas? No, wait, WHY AM I GETTING IT?! Quit putting stuff in my mouth! AHHH!! NEEDLE!! YOU STUCK A NEEDLE IN MY CHEEK!! (more internal screaming) I hate needles...I hate needles...I hate needles...AHH!! You stuck something behind my tooth and PULLED IT!! It hurts! I'm not completely numb! (Dentist starts up drill) OH NONONONONONONONONO... (Dentist starts drilling) It hurts...it hurts...why did no one warn me...
Dentist: (afterward) Great job! You're all done. That only took fifteen minutes. You were a model patient. You didn't jerk around, or scream or anything!
Me: ... (traumatized)
Dentist: Don't worry, you'll just feel sleepy later today.
Intern: So who did you come with today?
Intern: Really? You drive now? (she knew me when I was younger) So you're 16 now?
Me: ...I'll be...19...in three weeks...
Mom: (several days later) Oh, how did you pay for the dentist? I forgot to leave you the card.
Me: They told me to call it in.
Mom: Did you?
Me: ...No...I forgot...
Mom: The drugs they gave you?
Me: The drugs...
Katrina: I think I have the flu...
Katrina's Dad: Go to the nurse's office and find out, so that I can avoid you if you do.
Mom: (reaching back behind drawer underneath the stove) OH MY GOD!!
Mom: I touched something back there! It was in a plastic baggie, but it felt squishy! Come touch it yourself!
Me: ...No. That was an easy question.
Mom: Come on!
Me: Hell no.
Mom: Sierra! Come reach back here!
Me: Don't do it.
Mom: I touched something weird back there!
Sierra: (does it) AHHH!! Something broke off! I think it was a rat tail!
Me: Told you it couldn't be good.
Sierra: Doesn't this thing come off? Let's take it off and see what's behind...
Mom: Looks like a small dog exploded under here...there's certainly enough hairballs.
Sierra: There's a ton of dog food kernels, too...OH! There's my letter magnets from when I was little! And your credit card you've been missing. It looks melted...and chewed...
Mom: Plastic lid off a baby bottle, a toothbrush...and a bear magnet!
Sierra: I think that's a raccoon.
Mom: Huh...You're right...
Me: So what was it that broke off when you reached back there?
Sierra: Probably one of these french fries.
Me: ...Ew. Did you two find what it was you touched?
Mom: No. I don't see a plastic bag anywhere...
Me: So what did you touch?
Mom: I DON'T KNOW!!
Sierra: AHH!! GIANT SPIDER!! (tries to run away, spider shoots after her) AHHH!! (screaming bloody murder) GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!!
Me: (breaks down laughing hysterically) Mom, the spider was...attached to her...foot...by its web...
Sierra: (huddling far away from offending creature) NO! It was attached to my slipper! Get it away!
Mom: Wow, he's humongous!
Me: As big as the one I showed you outside just a moment ago?
Mom: No, this one's smaller. (it the size of a nickel, rather than a quarter) But it's a funkier colour.
Me: Mom, you should should turn off the T.V. and sleep.
Me: You're sleeping through it anyway.
Me: (staring for a minute)
Me: She fell asleep in the middle of my lecture...
Mom: (looking at my cookie dough mounds) Are these straight in your little mind?
Me: ... (moves one obviously out-of-place mound and looks back expectantly)
Mom: ...Once again, are these straight in your little mind?
Me: ... (looks at the dough, then looks back expectantly)
Mom: ...Sigh... (takes them away)
Aunt: (looking at them) ...What the hell...
Me: THEY LOOK STRAIGHT TO ME, OKAY?!
Me: So, after we find some mushrooms do we get to eat them?
Mom: (pauses suspiciously) ...Well...some of them...
Me: ...Are we hunting for poisonous mushrooms?!
Mom: ...Well...I don't...actually...know which ones are poisonous...
Mom: (puts a beanie on my head) Here, I'm tired of wearing it. (pauses) Okay, I meant it as a joke, but it unexpectedly suits you...
Me: Huh. Weird. (If you knew what I look like, you would be surprised too. I am the last person a beanie should look good on.)
Me: Hey, Mom...I found this really funny video online. Come watch it with me.
Mom: (watches for a minute) ...Yeah, that's your cousin, Ryan. What about him?
Me: (staring with a mix of horror and amazement)
Mom: What? He's funny, isn't he?
Mickey: Could you get me a beer and put it in a frosty glass?
Me: Sure. (goes and grabs a glass from the freezer) What the... Mom! It's full of Reeces!
Mom: You found Mickey's stash!
Mickey: What's going on?
Me: (shows him the glass) Found your stash.
Mickey: (pales considerably)
Sierra: (talking to her boyfriend on speakerphone) Kale!
Sierra: Kale! Kalekalekale KALE!
(Continues for a while.)
Kale: ...You're doing this just to piss your sister off, aren't you?
Me: IT'S WORKING.
Woman Across the Camp: DON'T YOU DARE PEE ON THAT FIRE!
Me: (Helping to edit something) P-place the P within the parararthesis. (pauses) Trying that again... Blace the P within the baranthesis... (tries at least 3 more times, still failing) Screw it! Quit laughing at me! I have b-problems with the P's!
Airhead: (Can't stop laughing)
Mom: (can't let it go) Ah... your nautical disaster was amazing, wasn't it?
Me: ...Come to think of it, why was there a chair in the bathroom in the first place?
Mom: ...I don't...know...
Me: (at Mom's office, soon after the nautical disaster) ...Why are there...lots of boxes in the bathtub?
Mom: My files from last year and the year before.
Me: ... (not quite sure how to process that)
Mom: Well, where else was I supposed to put them?
Me: Most people put them in filing cabinets.
Mom: Come on out, Virginia! I have something to show you!
Me: (opens bathroom door)
Mom: Show kitty! (holding my sister's yowling cat like cats are held in shows)
Me: ...How do I respond to that?
Mom: With laughter and appreciation for my creativity!
Mom: (opening up the freezer) What the... (pulls something out) Why the hell is there an unopened package of clothespins in the freezer?
Me: (choking on laughter) It was probably Mickey.
Me: I think I might have been the one to put the clothespins in the freezer a few months ago without realizing it.
Mom: Why do you say that?
Me: Because, just today alone, I tried to recycle laundry, put a clean pot in the freezer, throw garbage into my room, and flush the phone down the toilet before I figured out just what I was doing.
Mom: ...Sadly, I can believe that. I've seen you try to do similar things before.
Me: Any family trip advice for me?
Kiri: Don't die.
Me: ...Thanks. You're SO helpful.
Classmate: (day after midterm in a class I'm not very good at) It said online that the class average was 63% for the test.
Me: (horrified/distressed look) Just how horribly did I do on it? I was pretty confident about my answers...
Teacher: (starts passing out corrected tests)
Me: (pulls out a book) I won't worry about it until it gets here. There's no point. I'll deal with it when I see it.
Teacher: (hands me mine with a slightly surprised look on his face) Somewhat...surprising... (same horrified/distressed look as before on my face)
Me: (looks at at, eyes pop out)
Classmate: Better or worse than you thought?
Me: Much better.
Teacher: (talking to the class) The scores ranged from...not...so good...to perfect.
Someone in Back: Who the hell got a perfect?!
Teacher: Only one person did. But I can't say who legally. You will have to find out yourselves. (pointed look at me that no one else seems to notice)
Person in Back: Well, whoever you are, congratulations.
Me: (whispering) ...Well, I can't bloody say now that it was me. (pauses) Just how bad was everyone else's scores?!
Mom: (after I told her that I had the only perfect score) Wow! Congrats, Virginia! Somewhat surprising.
Me: (blinking, slightly bewildered) That...kind of...hurts... (even though I know her and the teacher meant, 'surprising, given the class average')
Mom: Why? (sniggering) Did you teacher say "somewhat surprising" to you? It is, given that YOU were the one with the perfect score.
Me: (Distressed look)
Mom: ... You do realize that I was just kidding, right?
Me: I know...but still... (I wasn't truly hurt, but I was in a little bit of a shock)
Mom: (on the way to go camping in the RV) I think we hit one of my fruit trees or something on our way out.
Mom: Because we appear to have dragged a large tree branch in the rear tire three miles down the highway...
Mom: (referring to the dogs who are very restless in the RV) Maybe we should have given them doggy downers (pain meds for dogs) before we left home.
Everyone Else: (staring, slack-jawed at this suggestion)
Mom: I brought them.
Courtney: You...sedate...your dogs?
Sierra: Have to for the 4th of July. They're terrified of fireworks and can scale our fence rapidly.
Mom: (trying to figure out how much medicine the dog needs to have because of a surgery) What's the bottle say?
Sierra: 'Give the dog half a tablet every 12 hours.'
Mom: ...Oh, shit. No wonder he was so out of it. I was giving him whole ones!
Me: (staring at the zonked out dog) Yeah, that would do it. I suggest reading the labels all the way through, and not just skim them...
Me: (staring off into the distance) Blackberry thorns are difficult to remove from one's crotch. And somewhat painful.
Everyone Else: (horrified expressions)
Kiri's Dad: Hey, Kiri.
Kiri's Dad: Come and help me. The table-saw and I are having a disagreement on which way is up...
Kiri: (horrified expression)
Mom: (pauses movie) Hey, I have to go get something from the store. Do you want to keep watching?
Me: I'll wait for you to get back.
Mom: Well, I've already seen part of it.
Me: Really? How much?
Mom: ...All of it.
Me: That's not a part!
Mom: I didn't watch all of the credits!
Me: Chomp. Ouch! That was a pen! That wasn't a french fry!
Me: (while working on homework) 1100011000111000101001110... (pauses) A fascinating look into my mind, I'm sure.
Kiri: That was a really creepy chant.
Me: I got a little off track there...
Kiri: Just a little.
Me: (while in class) The person's name will be Shiristine with a K.
Class: ...How does that work?
Me: I'm not sure. One of my friends has that name, and it's spelled with a K.
Me: I'll call and ask! (calls) Kiri? How do you spell your name?
Kiri: ...Which one?
Me: The long one.
Kiri: Kierstyne. It's Swedish.
Me: Ah. Thanks! (hangs up and pauses) I should have written that down...
Me: Oh, I have a message from Airhead... I should check it... (opens up voicemail and listens)
Airhead: Exoskeleton was really really hard so I was like ahhhh so then I took a bucket and kept rolling over it until it died... I don't care it's dead... it was huge too... That's why I stopped with the screwdriver because it moved and I ended up squishing its butt... it was still moving buuuuuhhhh... and the worst part was that then... (pause) Oh, wait... END OF MESSAGE
Me: ... (calls back after saving the message for later) Did you butt dial me?
Airhead: No... I called on purpose... I just forgot that I was still holding the phone... There was an evil spider... So I kind of...You know...
Sierra: Mom...I had a bad day... (hugs her)
Mom: Aww...what happened?
Me: (looking at the counter) Must have been bad. I see you brought out the giant Pocky.
Mom: You poor thing!
Me: (looking at my legs) My femurs look a lot longer than they're supposed to be.
Mom: No way! (measures mine, and hers) Your femurs are the same length as mine!
Me: My point exactly! You're taller than me!
Mom: ...Oh yeah...
Me: (microwaving butter) ...I've put this thing in here for longer than Mom did...and all I can get it to do is foam. How in the world did she make it explode? And in half the time?
Me: (driving, glances over at empty passenger seat) What the... Why's there an orange in the door?! (It's wedged in there pretty good...) ...What is wrong with my family? (immediately comes to the conclusion it was a family member)
Sergeant Major: (glances outside) ...What the heck is this?
Me: I believe it's called "sunlight" sir.
Sergeant Major: (stares at me)
Me: Yes, it took me a moment to realize what it was, too. It's so rare here. (It's rarely sunny where I live.)
Sergeant Major: ... (decides it's not worth it and goes back to teaching)
Sergeant Major: In today's announcements, apparently someone next to the school lost their pet python. All students are advised to stay away from the field. (pauses) What kind of a dumb shi-
Sergeant Major: (glares at the interruption) It escapes me as to how anyone can be stupid enough to LOSE a twelve-foot snake.
Mom: I refuse to wipe Mickey's butt once it comes to that. His children can do it for him. I told him this, and he asked me, "Which one? Sierra will tell me F-You, Virginia will forget that I'm in there and I'll starve to death-"
Me: (bursts into laughter) So true...I really would forget...
Mom: (continuing) "-and Mykel couldn't be bothered. I'll call Sunshine. She'll take care of me!" (pauses) ...Are you okay, Virginia?
Me: NO! (still laughing)
Sierra: What about the time where you and Mickey...oh, I don't know...FORGOT TO PICK ME UP FROM MIDDLE SCHOOL!
Mom: I thought Mickey was picking you up! And he thought I was picking you up!
Sierra: I was there for FOUR HOURS! WAITING!
Mom: You got picked up in the end!
Sierra: By my friend's mother! Not mine!
Mom: I'M SORRY!
Me: ...I've already had my mid-life crisis at age 20...BECAUSE I was turning twenty...I freaked out quite badly...
Sam: Oh, you poor thing. You're turning 20 this year, right?
Me: ...I'm...turning...21...this year... (sobbing) I'm already 20...curse you...
Sam: Oh, I'm so sorry! (hugs)
Me: ...Guess I'm still upset...Wait. We've been friends since 2nd grade! You went to my 20th birthday party!
Mom: (watching Sierra pulling out books that are going with her when she moves) ...Are you sure those books are yours?
Sierra: ...Well, you aren't going to read them again...
Me: (takes a look) ...! Those are mine!
Sierra: You didn't even like them!
Me: I liked them! I just thought that too many people made too much fuss over them.
Sierra: ...Does that mean I can have them?
Mom: Hey! Don't take that one! That one isn't yours!
Sierra: No, it's mine!
Mom: No, it's Grandma's!
Sierra: But I thought it was Auntie's!
Me: ...And you were going to take it anyway?
Sierra: ...It's mine now. It's been here for a couple of years. It's MINE.
Mom: Clean the fridge.
Me: I distinctly remember you telling Sierra to do it.
Mom: She's at work right now.
Me: Why me?
Mom: Because you're so good at it.
Me: It's not exactly rocket science! You throw away anything that's growing, has things growing on it, or has disintegrated!
Mom: Do it.
Me: Fine. (does it)
Mom: ...It's...empty...now...What are we going to eat for dinner?
Me: Beats me. We couldn't have eaten anything that was in there, anyway.
Me: He's in the trunk. I mean, IT'S in the trunk.
Me: I get to...fly...a kite... (extremely happy)
Mom: What kind of kite?
Me: Ghost ship! ...NaaAaAaAah... (making weird noises)
Mom: AHHH!! She's vibrating! She's vibrating!
Mom: Looks like humidity will be high today. Maybe at 80%.
Me: ...I may be wrong, but humidity is moisture in the air, right? (she nods) So...wouldn't the air with 80% humidity be...you know...WATER?
Mom: You'd think, but apparently not. Although, it will certainly feel like you're breathing water.
Me: (talking to the vice-principal about something)
Mom: Hi, Honey!
Me: (yelps) MOM! You scared me!
Vice-principal: Oh, hello Jonie. Long time no see.
Mom: Hey! What's up?
Me: (staring) You two...know...each other?
Mom: Yup! We've been friends forever!
Principal: (walks by) Oh, hello Jonie. How are you?
Mom: Hi Scott!
Me: NaLAarandlalalalaaaaa... (having a miniature breakdown)
Principal: What brings you here today?
Mom: That thing making the weird noises over there is my daughter! She has a doctor's appointment!
Dad: Virginia! You can't stay in your dark hole all day! Come out into the sunshine!
Me: ...Fine. (comes back inside five minutes later) Am I done now?
Dad: (jaw dropping) How did you get so tan so fast?! You were really pale just a few minutes ago!
Sierra: (she'd been suntanning all day and had yet to acquire one) ...I hate you.
Mom: Hey, Virginia! Patrick came to take some pellets and hay from us! (He's her boss.) He bought three alpacas today!
Me: ...Three? Really?
Mom: I really wanted one too...
Me: Like I said last night, NO.
Patrick: (gives me a questioning look)
Me: Ah. Mom and Sam were trying to convince me last night that it would be a good idea to get an alpaca. I was vehement in my denial.
Patrick: Well, the alpacas will teach my children responsibility! Why won't you let your mother get one?
Me: Because I'd be the only person taking care of it! And I'm twenty! I'd don't need to learn responsibility!
Patrick: ...I see...
Me: YOU can buy alpacas up the wazoo, for all I care! BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY!!
Mom: See how mean she is?!
Patrick: (laughing hysterically)
Mom: (getting off the phone) That was Patrick. It seems that the alpacas are asleep in the trailer!
Me: ...Trailer? He's not putting them in the yard?
Mom: He's doesn't have a fence yet. He's going to make it tomorrow.
Me: ...Don't you normally get a fence before you buy three alpacas?!
Mom: Only if you're boring!
Colonel: Hey, Virginia, it's your turn to go to the blood drive.
Me: ...Okay... (leaves, and comes back a little while later with a sticker)
Colonel: ...Your sticker says...I tried to give blood...
Me: (nods miserably)
Colonel: I am sensing a story here. Was it your fear of needles?
Me: (shakes head even more miserably) That only made it worse...I conquered my fear of needles...only to have my blood clot on the needle within two minutes...
Colonel: ...That's actually kind of amazing.
Me: (picking up the reluctant cat) Come and sit with me! Great, Mom, she's settled in OWWW!!
Mom: Yeah, she saying, "And I'll dig my claws into your thigh to let you know how I feel about that.
Mom: Go and vacuum.
Me: But...the kitty on my lap is so very comfortable, and I don't want to make her leave...
Mom: You could try holding onto her while you vacuum. Although, I would not recommend it. You just have to hold on tight. Besides, you just bought a pack of 100 band aids, didn't you? You can put them to good use!
Dad: Hey, what're you girls up to?
Me: We're water skiing.
Dad: Ah, can I join?
Me: (gives him a disbelieving look)
Me: You're old, you're fat, and you just can't do it.
Dad: Now I have to prove you wrong! (goes water skiing and comes back) See? I CAN do it.
Me: Yeah, and you blinded about thirty people with your fish belly white belly.
Dad: So I'm a great white whale...but I CAN water ski.
Me: If you can actually call that water skiing, then yes.
Dad: You're lucky I don't throw you to the fishes.
Me: I'd take you with me.
Dad: That's my girl!
Me: (picks up Diego, my sister's cat) Hi Buddy. (He snuggles into my arms happily.) That's my buddy. (I take him with me into the living room.)
Sierra: (sees her cat and lights up with joy) DIEGGGOOOO!!! (holds out her arms for the cat)
Diego: (makes a distressed noise)
Me: (looks down at him)
Diego: (looks back, eyes wide with terror)
Me: Sorry Sierra, he staying with me.
Me: (watching the cat, Diego, run around chasing another of our cats)
Mom: That little shit-head. I would do something, but he isn't actually afraid of anything.
Me: Not true anymore. He is now scared of the vaccum.
Mom: ... Do I even want to ask?
Me: Sierra vaccumed up his tail using the vaccum hose.
Me: Well, at least I was never dropped on my head.
Mom: (freezes in place in the kitchen)
Me: (looks over)
Mom: (slowly starts cooking again)
Me: Mom. Look at me. (she does) Did you drop me on my head?
Mom: (nods meekly)
Me: ...More than once?
Mom: (nods again)
Me: ...How many times?!
Mom: (holds up two fingers) But it wasn't my fault! You just sort of...leapt off the bed and out of your highchair. Don't even get me started on when you were older and would LAUNCH yourself from the crib...
Me: I wonder if that's why I have such a hard head.
Mom: ...When I was pregnant, I also didn't have a good sense of how far my belly was sticking out and ran into a lot of things. And then, when I walked around with you, sometimes your head would smack into the doorframes and walls.
Me: ...How am I still alive?
Me: I wonder why I like spicy things so much.
Mom: When you and your sister were babies I fed you a lot of jalapeno pepper jelly.
Mom: You liked it!
Me: (Walks into the pet store and approaches the counter) Hi! I would like...
Staffer: NO!! (He backs away) Not you again!!
Airhead: Um...what's going on?
Me: Last time I was here, I bought 500 crickets for my mother. He had to count them all out. The time before that, 300.