Author has written 2 stories for Death Note, and Harry Potter.
April 2017 Update: Fresh Start
What up, homies? (Was that too uncool? Yeah, that was uncool. I don't care, let the uncoolness reign!)
Things have been a bit more ...stressful...than usual around here. Our debt is bigger – if it keeps growing small objects are going to start orbiting around it. I work for a new boss who is Satan incarnate (well, maybe not, that's just mean to Satan).
And, unfortunately, I no longer have the option to up and quit. My freedom just flew away.
Guess who's pregnant?
Yeah! Me! Who started writing this in high school and is now a grown up. (I know, it's weird). So now I gotta be a mom.
But it IS is a whole new can of worms I get to open and explore. (My god, I hope my children NEVER read my fanfiction, that would be SO embarrassing). I am determined to start a better family than what I've had experience with. One that's actually close to each other. That isn't violent and passive aggressive and crazy. I'm lucky that I have a good man to do it with.
It's been a roller coaster ride so far. Lots of tests. Things going wrong. A miscarriage scare. Being uncomfortable and naked in strange rooms with strangers touching me. My privacy is basically gone. (I HATE doctor's offices. HATE HATE HATE them.) My anxiety is through the roof and hormones make it worse.
Oh, and no one tells you about the pain. They all rave about the pregnancy glow (which for me is currently pregnancy acne) and the baby showers and the bla bla bla. Right now my baby is apparently sitting on a nerve and it feels like someone is taking a lighter to my skin (there is no other way to describe it).
And I'm fat...ter than usual. I KNOW it's pregnant fat, but I'm in that awkward stage where people can't tell if I'm pregnant or not. It sucks.
Writing has been harder than usual. I've suffered from extreme nausea for the first few months, and on top of that pregnancy fatigue. I usually pass out when I get home, then sleep all night, work, and pass out again the next day.
Despite all the added stress, and the pain and suffering, and vomiting – this has been a really good thing.
By now most of you know I struggle with...being sad...extremely so...and have been for a long time. And it's a horrible thing to admit, but I'll be honest with you, there were days where I'd think 'If I got hit by this truck, I wouldn't have to go to work.'
I know. That's just...awful.
But my life isn't mine to take anymore. I have a little person I have to take care of and teach right and wrong and make sure they're fed and happy and turn into a good, functioning member of society.
Since then, those really dark thoughts have disappeared completely. I still get sad, I still get frustrated at work, but I'm a lot stronger about it.
My life is not..well, about ME anymore. It's going to be about my baby. And that means I kind of have to figure out how to deal with my low self-esteem and soul-crushing depression and anxiety and neurotic tendencies because, you know, I gotta set a good example.
What I've been going through, a lot of times by myself, for years – I never ever want for my children.
It's still hard. Especially during the work week. And now I feel more pressure than ever to actually publish SOMETHING to add to our income. I still question if I'll ever succeed in that. I keep starting stories but never finishing them.
So yeah. Still alive. Not homeless yet. Still staying up all night to write fanfiction like the responsible, grown adult I am.
Thanks for reading this (if you've gotten all the way to the end through my complaining and lame excuses as to why I am not a famous, millionaire author yet - I appreciate it).
Hope you guys are all still doing well. I'll see you next update.
PS: Lots of people have reached out to me with similar stories. I appreciate everyone's openness and honesty. And seriously, your messages and reviews are the only reason I keep updating this story. Without you guys there isn't much point.
Just a tip that REALLY helped me get through some hard times.
Whenever I had super dark, super unhealthy thoughts about life and how worthless I feel and pointless it all is – I'd pretend Bill Murray would be standing/walking beside me doing something ridiculous.
Like, I'd be all 'woe is me, my life sucks, I should end it all boo hoo hoo' and Bill would just be sitting next to me on a garden ledge, eating a really messy sandwich telling me to chill out, man.
Or I'd picture Bill Murray, with the sole intention of cheering me up, stuffed in a pink tutu heading a parade singing a dramatic song while twirling like a delicate ballerina.
Not sure why Bill Murray, but something about his humour makes me smile almost every time, and brings me out of my spiral for a bit. It's just nice sometimes to pretend someone out there cares when you're all alone.
It's basically the equivalent of an imaginary friend, and you can do it with almost any person or celebrity. I dunno, I found it super useful so I thought I'd share.
Dear god, this is turning into a support group. Should I start some sort of Facebook page or what?
Oh. OH! Before I go – I have to tell you guys my favourite joke of all time. It's the worst. I love it. Ready?
Why do lobsters never share? Wait for it. Wait for iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit... Because they're SHELFISH! Eh? Eh? Get it? SHELFISH/SELFISH. RIGHT? HAHAHAHAHAHA. (I'm determined to be the lamest, most embarrassing parent ever. There will be puns – everywhere – all the time – my children will hate me haha).
Okay, bye for real. It's like, six in the morning here. I gotta work in four hours. I'm so screwed.
September 2016 Update: The New, the Bad and the Odd
Hey, everyone. Satchelle here.
Still alive. I guess that's an achievement.
I have moved west *she declared dramatically*. There's lots of rain, forests and mountains. I like rain. My town is overrun with old people and hipsters. It doesn't get too cold here, so that's a plus. I like the trees too. Trees are cool.
We have a brilliant view from our balcony (if I wasn't afraid of heights I'd enjoy it more haha).
I really like the west. I feel like I can breathe out here. It's really wonderful to finally get far away from my family. The distance makes it easier to let go, and helps keep all the toxic, bad stuff behind me.
Still working a job I dislike though, just a different location. Well, that's not entirely true. There are little, good things about it (mainly my regular customers, who are all very sweet to me), but petty office politics drain me. I find myself going through the motions until I make it to the weekend.
Yet I'm still crippled in debt so I can't quit. A lot came from being dumb and poor after moving out at a young age. A bit came from this recent move.
Sigh. It'll take a while to get out of it. The money problems still hang over my head like a storm cloud.
I'm trying not to hate myself.
I'm trying to take a step back and be more objective. Be kinder to myself. But it's hard. There are days when I feel so useless and lame and miserable.
It's so hard explaining this to people. Because unless someone feels the same way they can't understand. Because of this website, some of you might.
I'm a writer, but I wish I wasn't. I wish it every day. 'Why couldn't I be a welder, welders make money, they seem happy, welding and doin' their thang.'
But I'm a writer. I just am.
I don't write because it's fun. I write because I HAVE to. Because I have to get my thoughts out of my brain before they crush me. I put all my nightmares and dreams and emotion into my writing. It's why I don't write crack fics. Writing ISN'T fun for me. It's . . . more like therapy. Like writing with blood, and there's a limited amount of blood.
Real talk: One of my worst fears is finally publishing a book, and doing one of those author-book-signing-things, and NO ONE showing up.
Gosh, this is sounding so depressing. I don't mean to be so negative. It's just I really don't have many people to talk to or vent to. Because of moving, and adult life getting in the way of free time, I don't really have friends anymore.
And even though I have my wonderful partner, who I love more than breathing, he's hard to talk to about serious stuff because he gets worried. And he's not a writer, and he usually only reads non-fiction anyways, so he doesn't quite . . . get it.
I feel lonely a lot.
I spent the last three years getting yelled at by people in a call center, I think it's affected me more than I realized. I get anxious around strangers and in public now, and I hate talking to new people because I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of all sorts of things these days.
Writing stuff is so much easier than saying things out loud. It's harder to sound stupid when you can edit what you say.
Maybe I should try and end this with a more positive note - I gotta be more positive. Thanks for suffering through my complaining. Um, let's see. What should I tell you guys?
Uh, I'm really dorky. Lame, lame is the word I'm looking for. I trip over things a lot, apparently I'm cute when I get angry. I love dogs. My favourite movie is the Princess Bride. I want to own a home one day. Somewhere in the woods, I think. With a secret nook or something, in a crawlspace or behind a bookshelf.
I can only sing in flats and sharps, and the only song I know off by heart is 'Part of Your World' from the Little Mermaid. If I COULD sing, I would change my dream of being a writer to being a Broadway musical star/diva. If I didn't have horrible eyesight and was smarter I'd be an astronaut. Space is cool. Low gravity is cool. I one day want to fly an old biplane, like from WWI (how I do this with my fear of heights I don't know).
I like video games, old pixel art stuff is my favourite style. I like swimming (possibly related to the Little Mermaid, not confirmed). Although I'm too self-conscious to do it in public anymore, so the more correct term would be I USED to like to swimming. I hate therapists (I'm sorry to all the therapists). I overcame my fear of roller coasters - there, that's an accomplishment.
I get cold a lot. I'm blind as a bat. I'm engaged and I'm not sure if I want a normal wedding, that stuff doesn't seem to matter as much as it once did. I like that I'm less angry. I wish I was less anxious and sad. I like that I can see the stars at night out here. I can stare at the sky for hours.
I really want to swim with sharks one day.
But I'll probably get eaten, because that's how bad my luck is.
So there, that's a little bit about me.
It's good to know someone is reading my stuff, somewhere out there.
June 2015 Update: Where I've Been
I realize I have a lot of readers for my Death Note story, and I've been getting a bunch of recent reviews and PMs asking me if I'm still writing it (and if I'm still alive).
So yep, I'm still alive.
Believe it or not I HAVE been writing the next chapter/chapters (in fact I've written a lot), but I've been suffering from a very aggressive writer's block (among other things). So far I've been able to combine the scraps of bits and pieces of what I've managed to write over the last year into something worth posting, and should be updating more soon.
Part of my lack of writing is due to time. Compared to school, working full time (at I job I dislike) makes me very tired. I have very little energy and time in a day to write like I used to five years ago. Adulthood has come with a lot of new responsibilities (and bills) and I find it very stressful and exhausting.
Another is interest. As I've gotten older the flame that originally lit the origin of Forever a Faithful Fan (which was the injustice I felt after watching my favourite character get killed off) has dimmed. I still love the anime, but I'm no longer obsessed, and that lack of drive has taken away a lot of my motivation.
I write what I feel like, which lately has been more of my original work. I still haven't finished anything (and sometimes it feels like I'm destined to half-write a bunch of my stories and be doomed to remain unpublished forever). And when I'm not writing something original, it can sometimes feel like I'm wasting even more of my time.
Lastly, I've been dealing with depression on and off. I have good days, and then I have really, really bad days (more than I'd like). And when I feel that way I simply can't write, the only thing that helps is to distract myself with TV shows and what not (which I realize are a black hole eating up all of my time).
I don't say this lightly, I mostly keep it to myself, even among my family (except my other half). I had hoped the depression thing was just a phase I had to suffer through in high school, but it's followed me into adulthood. And it can be . . . well, it can be really hard, sometimes.
SO, why update now? You might ask?
Well, I used to like writing, a lot. It was kind of my outlet in high school, and writing every day was how I improved my skills (note some older, rather terrible fanfics or chapters as examples of how far I've come). Not writing regularly is like not sharpening your sword, the tool becomes dull and useless. And I still can't think of any career I'd want over being an author.
Secondly, your reviews were one of the few amazingly wonderful things that would brighten my day. You're all so supportive and awesome and you make me feel like a million bucks after I post a chapter. I was hoping to try and capture that bit of happiness again.
Thirdly, I HAVE to finish it. I just have to. I mean, it's finished in my head. I'm just trying to get over this particular arc so I can move onto the rest of the plot. I kind of feel a need to finish it for myself - to prove I CAN finish something, for once.
And lastly, Sydney deserves for her story to be finished. She is a character that (I'll admit) originally was probably a self-insert (not that I realized it at the time, and not in the way that you'd think). When I was dealing with my family problems or friendship problems in high school, I had a character that was having adventures and doing something important. She was funny and brave and smart and outgoing and was all the things I'm . . . well, I'm just not.
Obviously, since starting the fanfic there are a lot of things I'd write differently, and I'm TRYING to find a way to twist it into it's own, original story - eventually.
However, she has evolved into a personality in her own right. And an awesome one at that. And she DESERVES to finish what she started.
So, I'm on vacation for the next three weeks. No promises, but hopefully I can write as much new content as possible and you guys will see more uploads soon.
Forever your Faithful Fan,
End of Update