Kanto Haru
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Joined 12-09-07, id: 1441109, Profile Updated: 03-14-15

My OCs

1. Name: Kanto Haru

Age: 16

Appearance: - (most used OC)

2. Sam Phillips - (when he's just starting to be a pirate) / (when he is older)

3. Zack Kyoi -

4. Firestone -

5. Kaos -

6. Morik -

7. Hiroko (mind) -

8. Yukiko (spirit) -

9. Hanako (body) -

10. Takashi -

11. Yuuka:

12 Naomi Hirasawa:

13. Akeno:

14. Murasaki Kinjo:

15. Moriko: my Pooka, an ancient Mythological spirit of mischief

16. Drake:

17. Ichiha -

18. Ichino -

19: Konta -

20. Mark Williams:

21. General Zetsubo:

22. Kurushi Yohei:

23. Sky Rogue:

24: Malice(Medea):

25: Chivalry:

26: Ru Binary:

27: Jacob:

28: Female Hacker:

29: Ren Masamune:

30: Eric Snowe:

31: Rose Forrester/White Raven

32: Takashi

33: Sam Collins:

“The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!” Calvin & Hobbs

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a friend, relative, enemy, acquaintance, or stranger.

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.

You can’t say civilization doesn’t advance, for in every war they kill you a new way.

People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.

The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem that it is only employed by small children and large nations.

Thou shalt not be a victim. Thou shalt not be a perpetrator. And above all, thou shalt not be a bystander.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street-grates.

If builders built buildings the way programmers program computers, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them wrong. This happens to us all the time with computers, but we never think to complain.

It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Today’s beauty ideal, strongly enforced by media, is to have roughly the same level of body fat as a paperclip.

If a million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.

A good friend is someone who thinks you’re a good egg even if they know you’re slightly cracked.

I believe in enforced cannibalism. If people were forced to eat what they killed, there wouldn’t be any more wars.

Don't drink to drown your sorrow. Sorrow knows how to swim.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it.

Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

He who strikes the first blow admits he’s lost the argument.
-Chinese Proverb

The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire consisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry and the cabbages in the royal garden. When any of his Majesty's measures of state policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that several members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his murmuring subjects were appeased.

On self-respect, by Adlai Stevenson: “It’s hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.”

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this isn’t hard.

When a stupid person is ashamed of something they’re doing, they always say it’s their duty.

Infantile love follows the principle: I love because I am loved.
Mature love follows the principle: I am loved because I love.
Immature love says: I love you because I need you.
Mature love says: I need you because I love you.

There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.

The key to successful leadership is influence, not authority.

Your true traveler finds boredom rather agreeable than painful. It is the symbol of his liberty, his excessive freedom. He accepts his boredom, when it comes, not merely philosophically, but with pleasure.

Two things are infinite: the universe, and human stupidity. And I’m not too sure about the universe.

Writing is a solitary occupation. Family, friends, and society are the natural enemies of the writer. He must be alone, uninterrupted, and slightly savage if he is to sustain and complete this undertaking.

Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wear helmets.

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.

Once a guy in one of those really tough bars wanted to bet me $10 I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

There are worse things than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I wanna die by jumping off a building with a pocketful of candy. Then people will be like “OH HOW HORRIBLE… Hey, Snickers!”

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?”
Then a little voice in my head says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’

Do you have to go so soon? I was about to poison the tea!

Let’s play horse. I’ll be the front end and you can be yourself.

Machine voice: Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the former telephone number of Carey Smith. I have taken over the functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to a disk. If you would like to leave input for his file, please do so at the tone.

Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, Commander-in-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, first Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People’s Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin Squash Team.
But hey, call me Mike.

You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave you name, number, and target or list of targets, and we’ll launch as soon as we can. Have a nice day.

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I’ll be right with you.

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no-one will answer.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

If you can remain calm, you don’t have all the facts.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.

Silence is golden…
But screaming is fun!

Show me a sane man and I’ll cure him for you.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he’s lost?

I am rather inclined to silence. Whether that is wise or not I don’t know, but at least it’s more unusual to find a person who can hold their tongue than one who can’t.

Whenever I hear somebody arguing in favour of slavery, I feel a strong urge to see it tried on him personally.

In America any boy can become President. I guess that’s just one of the risks he has to take.

If I knew what I was doing, it wouldn’t be called experimentation, would it?

Reality and common sense are only illusions, albeit very persistent ones.

Meet friends, ignore worries. Laugh openly, relieve anxiety. Smile more, think less. Gain confidence, lose fears. Forget everything, remember yourself.

“Don’t worry about senility,” my grandfather used to say, “because when it hits you, you won’t know it.”

Fatherhood is telling your daughter that their favourite singer loves all their fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat their broccoli.

Only those who have older siblings truly understand the term ‘survival of the fittest.’

His IQ is so low you can’t test it; you have to dig for it.

I’m not messy, I’m organizationally challenged!

Remember that the most beautiful things in the world are usually the most useless. Peacocks and lilies, for instance.
John Ruskin

That cat will write her autograph all over your leg if you let her.

Authors like cats because they are such quiet, lovable, diabolical, and wise creatures. And cats love authors for the same reason.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

I feel that if a person has trouble communicating intelligently, the least they can do is shut up.

Programming today is a race between computer programmers trying to make bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to make bigger and better idiots. So far the Universe is winning.

Crime is a mistake. One should never do anything one cannot talk about over dinner.

We don’t seem to be able to check in crime, so why not legalize it and tax it out of business?

From my close observation of writers, they usually fall into two groups:
1) writers who bleed copiously and visibly at any bad review, and
2) writers who bleed copiously and secretly at any bad review.

Sticks and stones are hard on bones,
Aimed with angry art
And words can sting like anything
But silence breaks the heart.

“I don’t mind dying; it’s just that you feel so bloody stiff the next day.”

Noble fathers have noble monsters for children.

“My father had a profound impact on me.”
“Oh? And what was that?”
“He was a lunatic.”

It is not difficult to die for a friend; the difficulty is in finding a friend worth dying for.

Men. Idiots. Can’t walk out the door without running into something they think they have to fight.

I brake for scholars, priests, and no apparent reason.

There are 2 types of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.

Earth Is The Insane Asylum For The Universe.

Ever Stop To Think And Forget To Start Again?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

One time I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.

I think, therefore I'm dangerous.

If We All Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

If we outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns.

If you’re feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

Mirrors can't talk. Luckily for you they can't laugh either.

My Reality Check Just Bounced

National Atheist's Day: April 1st

No matter how bad it gets, it can always get worse.

Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Oh look! Just 9, 999, 999 more years till i start caring what you think!

Poli-Tics: Poli meaning many, ticks meaning small blood sucking parasites.

Quiet brain! Or I'll poke you with another cue tip.

Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.

Slow thinkers keep left.

Some People Are Alive Only Because It’s Illegal to Kill Them

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Support bacteria! It's the only culture some people have.

Talk only if you can improve on the silence.

Support Baseball. Bite Some Yankees!

I am well-traveled. Well, not really, my mind just wanders.

They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

Vegetarian: Indian word for BAD HUNTER!

Where There’s A Will, I’m In The Way.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate, famine, or pain. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

Every writer is a frustrated actor who recites his lines in the hidden auditorium of his skull.
- Rod Serling

Many suffer from the incurable disease of writing and it becomes chronic in their sick minds.

Writers would be warm, loyal, and otherwise terrific people--if only they'd stop writing.

Asking a writer what he thinks about criticism is like asking a lamppost what it feels about dogs.
- John Osborne

What would humans be without love?
RARE.

The truth isn't easily pinned to a page. In the bathtub of history the truth is harder to hold than soap, and much more difficult to find.

On nights such as this, evil deeds are done. And good deeds, of course, but mostly evil deeds.

'What can I do? I'm only human,' he said aloud.
And a voice in his head said, ‘Not all of you.’

'I knew the two of you would get along like a house on fire. Screams, flames, people running for lives...’

Noble dragons don't have friends. The nearest they can get to the idea is an enemy who is still alive.

You have the effrontery to be squeamish, it thought at him. But we were dragons. We were supposed to be cruel, cunning, heartless, and terrible. But this much I can tell you, you ape - the great face pressed even closer, so that Wonse was staring into the pitiless depths of his eyes - we never burned and tortured and ripped one another apart and called it morality.

Windle shook his head sadly. Five exclamation marks; a sure sign of an insane mind.

Humans are always slightly lost. It's a basic characteristic. It explains a lot about them.

'Now what were we going for today? Decisiveness, yes?'
'Yes. Well, no. Maybe.'

'He's mad, isn't he?'
'No, mad is when you froth at the mouth. He's insane. That's when you froth at the brain.'

'When you've been a wizard as long as I have, my boy, you'll learn that as soon as you find anything that offers amazing possibilities for the improvement of the human condition, it's best to put the lid back on and pretend it never happened.'

There are many reasons for being friends with someone. The fact that he's pointing a deadly weapon at you is among the top four.

One of the most basic rules of survival on any planet is never to upset someone wearing black leather.

All he knew was that you couldn't hope to try for the big stuff, like world peace and happiness, but you might just about be able to achieve some tiny deed that'd make the world, in a small way, a better place.
Like shooting someone.

'Things either exist or they don't,' said Jeremy. 'I am very clear about that. I have medicine.'

If children were weapons, Jason would have been banned by international treaty. Jason had doting parents and an attention span of minus several seconds, except when it came to inventive cruelty to small furry animals, when he could be quite patient. Jason kicked, punched, bit and spat. His artwork had even frightened the life out of Miss Smith, who could generally find something nice to say about any child. He was definitely a boy with special needs. In the view of the staff-room, these began with an exorcism.

We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything.

'No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!' the man yelled.
'Really?' said the psychotic, now curious killer. 'What's the orbital velocity of the moon?'

When he was a boy, he'd looked with patriotic pride at the paintings of famous cavalry charges, last stands and glorious victories. It had come as rather a shock, when he later began to participate in some of these, to find that the painters had unaccountably left out the intestines. Perhaps they just weren't very good at them.

'You can take our lives but you'll never take our freedom!' he screamed.
Carver’s men looked at one another, puzzled by what sounded like most badly thought-out war cry in the history of the universe.

Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set him on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.

I’m sorry I can’t take your call, I'm hiding from the men in white coats. We've been playing hide'n'seek for weeks, and they still haven't found me! Tee hee hee! Leave a message?

Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back—only that I won't.

If you aren’t willing to die for something, it isn’t worth living for.

Those who wish to kill will die. Those who wish to die will live. Those who wish to live will kill...

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

“People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.”
“…Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?”

“Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.” --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
“Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.” --His reply

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.
I replied, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'"

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier.

Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial.

When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.

As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Drawing on my fine command of the language, I said nothing.

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the pronoun "we".

The way I figure it is this: if the kids are still alive by the time my husband comes home, I've done my job.

Some people are like Slinkies... Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

Fall is my favourite season in Los Angeles; watching all the birds change colour and fall from the trees…
-David Letterman

A few days ago I walked along the edge of the lake and was treated to the crunch and rustle of leaves with each step I made. The acoustics of this season are different from others and all sounds, no matter how hushed, are crisp in the autumn air.
-Eric Sloane

I cannot endure to waste something as precious as autumn sunshine by staying indoors, so I spend almost all the daylight hours in the open air.
-Nathaniel Hawthorne

There is a harmony in autumn
And a lustre in its sky
Which through the summer
Is not heard or seen
As if it could not be,
As if it had not been!
-Percy Bysshe Shelley

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.
-H. L. Mencken

Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are malevolently well informed about the United States.
-J. Bartlett Brebner

The trouble with America is that there are far too many wide-open spaces surrounded by teeth.
-Charles Luckman

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
-Frank Zappa

Many books require no thought from those who read them, and for a very simple reason: they made no such demand upon those who wrote them.

Books are the quietest and most constant of friends, they are the most accessible and wisest of counsellors, and the most patient of teachers.

There is no mistaking a real book when one reads it; it’s like falling in love.

In days of old, when knights were bold…
Tin pants must have been cold.

Silence is golden, but if that’s not available, duct tape is silver.

He who kisses the joy as it flies,
Lives in Eternity’s sunrise
-William Blake

Don’t be so humble – you’re not that great.
Golda Meir

When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.

I’m not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to… to… uh…

Men and nations behave wisely only once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
Abba Eban

Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never make it out of it alive.

Love your enemies. It’ll make ‘em crazy.

To err is human. To forgive is unusual.

Nobody can get the truth out of me because even I don’t know what it is. I keep myself in a constant state of utter confusion.
Colonel Flagg (M*A*S*H*)

There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry loose is not nailed down.
Collis P. Huntingdon

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.
Jack Handey

There are some situations from which one can only escape by acting like a devil or a lunatic.
George Orwell

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur.
(Anything said in Latin sounds profound.)

Someday we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counselling.

Remember that the world is a big place. Even if you’re one in a million, that means 1000 people in China look exactly like you.

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular with what’s left of your unit.”
US Army preventative maintenance publication, 1993

The esteemed 20th Century American journalist H.L. Macken opined that there were two impossibilities in life: “Just one drink” and “An honest politician.”

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don’t think there’s really any oxygen in them. I think they’re just to muffle the screams.
Rita Rudner

Be wary of strong drinks. They can make you shoot at tax collectors – and miss.

The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering!
Ashleigh Brilliant

A disciple of a different sect once came to Drescher as he was eating his morning meal. “I would like you give you this personality test,” said the outsider, “because I want you to be happy.”
Drescher took the paper that was offered him, put it into the toaster, and turned it on. Turning to the outsider, he said, “I want the toaster to be happy, too.”

Just because I have a short attention span doesn’t mean I

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world; perhaps you’ve seen it?
God

It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it becomes a scavenger hunt.

Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say, “Honk if…”

You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you’ll be dead.
Fortune Cookie

You know my motto: Forgive and… uh… hmm…

Do not meddle with dragons, for you are small and crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Bruce Graham

Do not blame God for having created the tiger; just thank Him for not having given it wings.
Ethiopian proverb

They say homework can't hurt anyone, but why take the chance?

I just kidnapped myself. Give me $100 dollars, or you'll never see me again!

You know you’re stressed out when you can hear mimes.

(On a T-Shirt) Who are you, and why are you reading my shirt?

Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there!

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright, until you hear them speak.

If child abuse is illegal, then why do we have to go to school?

People are all boring until you push them off of a very high place, or a short place that they think is a high place while they’re blindfolded. Then it’s just HILARIOUS!

Roses Are Red,
Violets are blue,
I'm a raving lunatic,
HAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!

Kids today are spoiled, but it’s nothing a little refrigeration won't cure.

I used to be a man of vision, before the medication cleared it up.

Some people multi-task. I multi-slack.

I Chose The Road Less Traveled. Now Where Am I?

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a giver.

Save the trees. Eat a beaver.

Love is weird. It just sort of sneaks up on you when you least expect it.

The trouble with real life is that there is no danger music.

One tequila two tequila three tequila floor

The Procrastinator’s Creed
1. I believe that if anything was worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/wait/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the Ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator’s Society) if they ever get it organized.

I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Stand up for what you believe in, even if it means standing alone.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about.

Never be afraid to try. Remember...
Amateurs built the ark
Professionals built the Titanic

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

"A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws."

A friend is someone who can see the truth and pain in you even when you are fooling everyone else.

If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them

I hate the way you talk to me,
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car,
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots,
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick;
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it that you're not around,
And the fact that you didn't call –
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you.
Not even close, not even a little bit,
Not even at all.

I love that you get cold when it’s 71 degrees out.
I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich.
I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts.
I love that after I spend a day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes.
And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.
And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve.
I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody
You want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

Cheerleaders are dancers who have gone retarded

Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking.

Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak.

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak … sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.

My father used to say, you would worry less about what people think if you knew how little they did.

A word of encouragement during a failure is worth more than an hour of praise after success.

There is no glory in practice, but without practice, there is no glory...

You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.

When a guy tells you that you're hot; he is looking at your body. When a guy tells you that you're pretty; he is looking at your face. When a guy tells you that you're beautiful; he is looking at your heart.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

Congratulations, you have officially earned the Dumber than a Box of Rocks Award.

Do I look like a people person?

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

If you want to win, punch the best player on the other team when nobody is looking

Courage is not living without fear.
Courage is being scared to death and doing the right thing anyway.
-Chae Richardson

Let us not misunderstand what courage really is. The absence of fear is the courage of the mad. Doing what is right in the presence of fear, is the courage of the noble.
-Philippos

Faith is believing in something when common sense tells you not to.

One day a 6 year old was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy:
TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He just doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the
boy:
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yes!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No.
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!
BURN!
"FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT"
- 2 CORINTHIANS 5:7

"Faith is believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe."
-Voltaire

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it isn't there. You can't see the future, yet you know it will come; you can't see the air, yet you continue to breathe.
-Claire London

Forgiving is not forgetting. It's letting go of the hurt.

I smile when I see you, I smile when I talk to you, I smile when you touch me, I smile when you're near me, I smile when you look at me, I smile when I think of you, I smile for you. But the one time I'm truly happy is when I make YOU smile back.

"For you to insult me, I must first value your opinion."

Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow.

There are too many stupid people in the world. I'm not saying we should kill them all or anything. Just take the warning labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself.

You are living proof that a man can live without brains.

There are two things a man can never hide: The fact that he's drunk, and the fact he's in love.

You learn a lot about people when you listen to the songs that mean something to them.

Be normal, and the crowd will accept you. Be deranged, and they will make you their leader.

Every great man was thought to be insane before he changed the world. Of course, some never changed the world. They were just insane.

The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots..."

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."

If aliens are looking for intelligent life – WHY THE HECK ARE THEY HERE?!

Before giving a piece of your mind, be sure you have enough to spare.

The NHS regret to inform you that your birth was an accident. Please report to the nearest hospital to be put down. We apologise for any inconvenience.

TOGETHER we stand, TOGETHER we fall, TOGETHER we win, and winners take ALL.

And I will love you and squeeze you and call you George

Sometimes it’s easier to say you don't care... than to explain all the reasons why you do.

I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
-Mark Twain

Travellers never think that THEY are the foreigners.

Keep an eye on him! That guy’s got squirrels juggling knives in his head!

The day the Lord created Hope was probably the same day He created Spring.
Bern Williams

Why do we kill people who kill people to show people that killing people is wrong?

No matter what side of the argument you’re on, you find people on your side who you wish were on the other.
-Jascha Heifetz

The trouble with America is that there are far too many wide-open spaces surrounded by teeth.
-Charles Luckman

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
-Frank Zappa

A fashion is nothing but an induced epidemic.
-George Bernard Shaw

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

This paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace a hardcover book - it makes a very poor doorstop.

Many books require no thought from those who read them, and for a very simple reason: they made no such demand upon those who wrote them.

We try, we fail, and then we blame the person in closest proximity to us.

In days of old, when knights were bold…
Tin pants must have been cold.

Silence is golden, but if that’s not available, duct tape is silver.

The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire consisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry and the cabbages in the royal garden. When any of his Majesty's measures of state policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that several members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his murmuring subjects were appeased.

On self-respect, by Adlai Stevenson: “It’s hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.”

Don’t be so humble – you’re not that great.
Golda Meir

I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

It’s hard to soar like an eagle when you’re surrounded by turkeys.

He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.

I’m not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to… to… uh…

We are the people our parents warned us about.

Men and nations behave wisely only once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
Abba Eban

Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never make it out of it alive.

Love your enemies. It’ll make ‘em crazy.

To err is human. To forgive is unusual.

Nobody can get the truth out of me because even I don’t know what it is. I keep myself in a constant state of utter confusion.
Colonel Flagg (M*A*S*H*)

There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry loose is not nailed down.
Collis P. Huntingdon

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.
Jack Handey

“This is more fun than a barrel of monkeys.” Has anyone ever stopped to think how cranky, if not downright vicious, a barrelful of monkeys would be, especially once released from the barrel?
Tom Shales

There are some situations from which one can only escape by acting like a devil or a lunatic.
George Orwell

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur.
(Anything said in Latin sounds profound.)

Someday we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counselling.

Remember that the world is a big place. Even if you’re one in a million, that means 1000 people in China look exactly like you.

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular with what’s left of your unit.”
US Army preventative maintenance publication, 1993

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don’t think there’s really any oxygen in them. I think they’re just to muffle the screams.
Rita Rudner

Men wanted for dangerous expedition: Low wages for long hours of arduous labour under brutal conditions; months of continual darkness and extreme cold; great risk to life and limb from disease, accidents, and other hazards; small chance of fame in case of success.
Sir Ernest Shackleton, Antarctic explorer

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I don’t perspire. Children trust me. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
In response to the ‘anything else’ section on an application form

Be wary of strong drinks. They can make you shoot at tax collectors – and miss.

The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering!
Ashleigh Brilliant

A disciple of a different sect once came to Drescher as he was eating his morning meal. “I would like you give you this personality test,” said the outsider, “because I want you to be happy.”
Drescher took the paper that was offered him, put it into the toaster, and turned it on. Turning to the outsider, he said, “I want the toaster to be happy, too.”

Just because I have a short attention span doesn’t mean I

Reality is for people who can’t handle science fiction.

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world; perhaps you’ve seen it?
God

If I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.

It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it becomes a scavenger hunt.

Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say, “Honk if…”

You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you’ll be dead.
Fortune Cookie

You know my motto: Forgive and… uh… hmm…

Do not meddle with dragons, for you are small and crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Bruce Graham

Do not blame God for having created the tiger; just thank Him for not having given it wings.
Ethiopian proverb

"I refuse to answer the question on the grounds that I don't know the answer."
-Douglas Adams

"From the moment I picked up your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it."
-Groucho Marx

"Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract."
-Kathy Lette

“I’m not evil, I just have a bad reputation for killing people.”
-Unknown

Always remember that you are absolutely unique.
Just like everyone else.

They say homework can't hurt anyone, but why take the chance?

I just kidnapped myself. Give me $100 dollars, or you'll never see me again!

You know you’re stressed out when you can hear mimes.

(On a T-Shirt) Who are you, and why are you reading my shirt?

Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there!

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright, until you hear them speak.

If child abuse is illegal, then why do we have to go to school?

People are all boring until you push them off of a very high place, or a short place that they think is a high place while they’re blindfolded. Then it’s just HILARIOUS!

"WHERE AM I?!" -Me and Mariah at the basketball game. After her dad told us not to go outside because we might get lost, so we stepped 6 inches outside and dropped to our knees screaming.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because
I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown

Roses Are Red,
Violets are blue,
I'm a raving lunatic,
HAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!

The voices in my head keep debating the lyrics to "Hotel California."

Kids today are spoiled, but it’s nothing a little refrigeration won't cure.

I used to be a man of vision, before the medication cleared it up.

Some people multi-task. I multi-slack.

I Chose The Road Less Traveled. Now Where Am I?

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a giver.

Save the trees. Eat a beaver.

Sometimes I aim to please, but mostly I just shoot to kill.

Equal Opportunity Annoyer

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Love is weird. It just sort of sneaks up on you when you least expect it.

The trouble with real life is that there is no danger music.

One tequila two tequila three tequila floor

I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Never be afraid to try. Remember...
Amateurs built the ark
Professionals built the Titanic

"A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws."

Cheerleaders are dancers who have gone retarded

Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking.

My father used to say, you would worry less about what people think if you knew how little they did.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

Congratulations, you have officially earned the Dumber than a Box of Rocks Award.

Do I look like a people person?

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

If you want to win, punch the best player on the other team when nobody is looking

I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly

Those with a clear conscious have a bad memory.

There are too many stupid people in the world. I'm not saying we should kill them all or anything. Just take the warning labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself.

An incompetent lawyer can delay a trial for months or years. A competent lawyer can delay one even longer.

Brains aren't everything… In fact in your case they are nothing.

If I had a face like yours… I’d sue my parents.

Keep talking… someday you'll say something intelligent.

You are a living proof that man can live without brains.

Hey how come you’re here? I thought the zoo is closed at night.

There are two things a man can never hide: The fact that he's drunk, and the fact he's in love.

Be normal, and the crowd will accept you. Be deranged, and they will make you their leader.

Every great man was thought to be insane before he changed the world. Of course, some never changed the world. They were just insane.

Always apologize first--it annoys the crap out of people.

The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots..."

Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

I don't suffer from insanity--I enjoy every minute of it.

If at first you don't succeed, then drag racing isn't for you.

Take the time to smell the roses. Hopefully sooner or later you'll inhale a bee and die.

No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.

Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. Screwed-up people start wars that could kill millions. Normal people settle fights through cookies, cakes, and pies.

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."

If aliens are looking for intelligent life – WHY THE HECK ARE THEY HERE?!

Before giving a piece of your mind, be sure you have enough to spare.

The NHS regret to inform you that your birth was an accident. Please report to the nearest hospital to be put down. We apologise for any inconvenience.

And I will love you and squeeze you and call you George.

I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
-Mark Twain

Travellers never think that THEY are the foreigners.

Keep an eye on him! That guy’s got squirrels juggling knives in his head!

If you can't take the heat, don't tickle the dragon.

Never try to outstubborn a cat.

A home without a cat--and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat--may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove the title?

Being blind no more makes you an idiot than being able to see makes you intelligent.

“There is a pleasure sure, in being mad,
which none but madmen know.”

Congrats, you're a new member of insanity! Welcome! We hope you enjoy your eternal stay here!

Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but then again why should I improve your looks?

And the moral? There isn't one. Yet. There shall be, never fear. And if you look deep enough, you'll find it. It's not a real moral, it's actually something along the lines of love your brother or he'll kill you. Except he won't. So it's your choice to love him or not. Unless of course you have no brother, then you can love him freely without worrying about being killed, unless imaginary friends really do exist.

Disclaimer: No fur-bearing animals were harmed during the creation of this document. Allergy alert: may contain nutmeg, but we doubt it. Return for refund where applicable. Not recommended for persons with sugar-restricted diets. Batteries are included -- best of luck finding them. Proud sponsor of the 1934 penguin olympic games at McMurdo Sound, Antarctica. May cause irritability, sleeplessness or warts after prolonged use. Contents under pressure. BHT added to preserve freshness. Caution: this product has caused some laboratory rats to rip through their cages, fly across the room and brutally murder hundreds of innocent people. Shake well before using. No vacuum tubes or other user-serviceable parts inside. Not to be combined with other radioisotopes except under the advice of a physician. Avoid prolonged exposure to ultraviolet light. The truth is out there. Use no hooks. Not intended for use by children or liberals under the age of five.

IF YOU CAN READ THIS, YOU’RE PROBABLY NOT DEAD YET.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.

To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy

Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

I'm not paranoid, just terribly, terribly alert...

I don't suffer from creative insomnia, I enjoy every minute of it!
—Wait.
...Okay, yeah. I suffer.

Some people call me spiteful, and I hope those people die of cancer.

Due to the constant fluctuation in customer personalities, we cannot be responsible for the mental stability of any one member of our staff. (Seen in a gas station in Toronto, Ontario, Canada)

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Another month ends. All targets met. All systems working. All customers satisfied. All staff eagerly enthusiastic. All pigs fed and ready to fly.

By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me. - Ashleigh Brilliant

Every time I think I've hit the bottom, someone lends me a shovel.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like a slacker.

God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

REAL procrastination is watching a hungry bear walk up to you while having a picnic, and not running because hey, you've got the rest of your life.

The best part about procrastination is that you are never bored, because you have all kinds of things that you should be doing.

There can't be a crisis today, my schedule is already full.

They can't fire me. Slaves have to be sold.

They say the pen is mightier than the sword, but if you miss a deadline while you’re working for me, you'd better bring the sword.

Things could be worse. Suppose your errors were counted and recorded every day like those of a baseball player.

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

Those that make the rules don't play the game!

Two kinds of people: Those who finish what they start and...

Warning: Deadlines on Calendar are closer than they appear.

Work hard for eight hours a day, and eventually you may become a boss and be able to work twelve.

Work is the greatest thing in the world, so save some for tomorrow.

You can name your own salary here - I like to call mine Fred.

Don't vote. You'll only encourage them.

I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said.
William Buckley, Jr.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

Politicians are those who deal with the problems which would not exist if they didn't exist.

The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.

When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"

Boys are like lava lamps: fun to look at but not so bright.

A man who correctly guesses a woman's age may be smart but he's not very bright.

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Gloria Steinem

Boys are great, every girl should own one.

First, God created man. Then he had a better idea.

Grow your own Dope. Plant a man.

I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.

I said to my wife, "You know, if I had brains I'd be dangerous." She said, "If you had brains you'd be a woman."

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.

I want a sensitive man - one who'll cry when I hit him.

It's funny...all over the world women stop working in the middle of a field, lay down to give birth, and get right back to work. But give a man a cold and suddenly he's 2 years old and can't blow his own nose.

Men have dogs because they want a best friend dumber than they are. Women want that too, but they already have men.
-Bill Engvall

My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

What's the difference between your husband and your children? Your children grow up and leave.

A Nobel Peace Prize? I would KILL for one of those.

All right! I know I'm in there! If I don't come out with my hands up, I'm coming in after me!

An egotist is a person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

Do not disturb. I had a hard enough time getting turbed in the first place.

Fear not my insanity, fear the mind it protects.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

I date this girl for two years - and then the nagging starts: 'I wanna know your name.'

I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I'd be irresponsible too.

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

I don't have a big ego; I'm way too cool for that.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

I don't like to lose my bearings, so I keep them in a cabinet by my bed.

I don't think so, therefore I'm probably not.

I figure I'm pretty good with the B.S. but I love listening to an expert. Keep talking.

I go to bed early. My favourite dream starts at nine.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Andy Rooney

I know exactly what I think about all this, but I can never find words to put it in. Maybe if I get a little drunk I could dance it for you.

I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant.

I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people that annoy me.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

I may be inconsistent, but not all the time.

I may rise, but I refuse to shine!

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I think I've found the trouble with our economy. There are far more ways to get into debt than there are to get out of it.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I went to a restaurant that was so expensive that they didn't have prices on the menu - just little faces with varying expressions of horror.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think: Hey, maybe I wrote that.

I'm lost. I've gone to look for myself, so if I get back before I return, please ask me to wait.

I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you.

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

I've got a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel.

I've gotta be me - everyone else was already taken.

If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

If I only had one tooth, I think I would brush it a real long time.

If I want your opinion... I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

If love makes the world go 'round, why can't I save a few bucks and get it to run my car?

If the universe is expanding, why can't I find a parking space?

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "cut it out!"

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

Of course I'm arrogant. The best usually are.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the airport.

Sometimes when it's quiet, I can hear my brain cells die.

Tell your little voices to SHUT UP! I can't hear mine...

Thank you for trying to sell me something I don't want, but I don't have any surplus hostility to vent. Could you please come back at a worse time? Thanks.

That which does not kill me... will be the basis for my revenge.

The closest I came to perfection was when I wrote my resume.

The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. Although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it, either. So what I am left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can't quite remember.

There comes a moment in everyone's life, and I've had plenty of 'em.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.

Trouble's always a good shot, and in my case it has a laser sight.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

When I became self-employed, I think I hired the wrong person.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Whenever I feel that the world is moving too fast, I go to the Post Office.

Yes, I know it's bad for me, but nagging me about it might be bad for you.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

‘Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.’

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this isn’t hard.

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home a pleasant place to be. Or, if that fails, let the air out of their tires.

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.

Ocean, n.: a body of water occupying two-thirds of a world made for man – who has no gills.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us, and cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a friend, relative, enemy, acquaintance, or stranger.

Two things are infinite: the universe, and human stupidity. And I’m not too sure about the universe.

Most people would die sooner than think; in fact, most people do.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.

The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem that it is only employed by small children and large nations.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wear helmets.

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Adventure! People talked about it as if were something worthwhile instead of a mess of bad food, no sleep, and strange people inexplicably trying to stick pointed objects in bits of you.
Terry Pratchett

Once a guy in one of those really tough bars wanted to bet me $10 I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

There are worse things than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick-boxing.

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

I wanna die by jumping off a building with a pocketful of candy. Then people will be like “OH HOW HORRIBLE… Hey, Snickers!”

Health food may be good for the body, but Oreos taste a heck of a lot better.

You can judge your age by the amount of pain you feel when you come in contact with a new idea.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?”
Then a little voice in my head says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’

You must have a pretty low opinion of people if you think of them as your equals.

I don’t hold your behaviour against you, because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma. You parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.

We can always tell when you lie. Your lips move.

I think you should live for the moment, but after that, I doubt I’ll think so.

You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn’t like you. But when one gets to know you, one hates you.

You have nothing to fear from my base instincts; it’s my finer ones that tell me to kill you.

I know you’d go to the ends of the earth for me – but would you stay there?

When you get run over by a car, it shouldn’t be listed under accidents.

I don’t consider you a vulture, I consider you something a vulture would eat.

I know you can’t live without me. I’ll pay for the funeral.

If we all sprang from apes, you didn’t spring far enough.

Do you have to go so soon? I was about to poison the tea!

I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

Don’t you have a terribly empty feeling… in your skull?

If I’ve said anything to you I should regret, I’m glad.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Let’s play horse. I’ll be the front end, and you be yourself.

I’ll never forget the first time we met… but I’ll keep trying.

I think of you when I’m lonely. Then I’m glad to be alone.

Answering Machine Message #1
Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Answering Machine Message #2
Hello, this is Ron’s toaster. Ron’s new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, but please leave your message when the toast is done… (Cachunk!)
Answering Machine Message #3
Machine voice: Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the former telephone number of Carey Smith. I have taken over the functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to a disk. If you would like to leave input for his file, please do so at the tone.
Answering Machine Message #4
Hello. This is Ron’s answering machine, Marvin, and I’m so depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don’t talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, how I hate that beep, it’s so cheery-sounding…
Answering Machine Message #5
Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, Commander-in-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, first Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People’s Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin Squash Team.
But hey, call me Mike.
Answering Machine Message #6
You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave you name, number, and target or list of targets, and we’ll launch as soon as we can. Have a nice day.
Answering Machine Message #7
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I’ll be right with you.
Answering Machine Message #8
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no-one will answer.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Reason to smile: every seven minutes of every day, somebody in an aerobics class pulls a ham-string.

If you can remain calm, you don’t have all the facts.

If you eat a live toad first thing in the morning, nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Hear about the terrorist who hijacked the 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met.

What’s the difference between the dead skunk on the road and the dead lawyer on the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Lawyer: Do you recall the time you conducted the autopsy on Mr. Evington?
Witness: It was in the evening. The autopsy started at 8:30.
Lawyer: And Mr. Evington was dead at the time, correct?
Witness: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.

Silence is golden… but screaming is fun!

Show me a sane man and I’ll cure him for you.

A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.

How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he’s lost?

In America any boy can become President. I guess that’s just one of the risks he has to take.

The human race has improved everything except the human race.

When I was losing, they called me nuts. When I was winning, they called me eccentric.

He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for the human race is a fool.

Some people talk in their sleep. Teachers talk while other people sleep.

Stupidity has a knack for getting its own way.

If I knew what I was doing, it wouldn’t be called experimentation, would it?

Reality and common sense are only illusions, albeit very persistent ones.

All people are lunatics, but they who can analyze their delusions are called philosophers.

Knowledge is the small part of human ignorance that we organize and classify.

I have nothing against people. It’s mankind I despise.

It’s so cold in Canada, you could fall out of bed and break your pyjamas.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

It utterly destroys one’s nerve to be amiable every single day to the same person.

As I discovered from studying my past, I started out as a child.

“Don’t worry about senility,” my grandfather used to say, “because when it hits you, you won’t know it.”

Fatherhood is telling your daughter that their favourite singer loves all their fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat their broccoli.

Only those who have older siblings truly understand the phrase ‘survival of the fittest.’

Parents are not quite interested in justice; they are only interested in silence.

Today’s parents grew up with the silly notion that music was meant to be heard.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street-grates.

We always tried to cooperate with the IRS, because, as citizens, we felt a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

Anybody can exercise… but my level of lethargy takes real discipline.

His IQ is so low you can’t test it, you have to dig for it.

I’m not messy, I’m organizationally challenged!

If it’s free, it’s advice, if it’s paid for it’s counselling, and if you can use either one, it’s a miracle.

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name’s not on it, I get up. Mark Twain

There are many intelligent people on the planet. And they are all owned by cats.

The cat could very well be man’s best friend, but no cat would think little enough of themselves to stoop to the level they would need to admit it.

I’ve met many thinkers and many cats, and of the two, the cats are more intelligent.

That cat will write her autograph all over your leg if you let her.

Authors like cats because they are such quiet, lovable, diabolical, and wise creatures. And cats love authors for the same reason.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

Don’t knock the weather; most normal people couldn’t get a conversation started if it didn’t change once in a while.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee; that will most certainly do them in.

To err is human, but to really foul something up requires a computer.

If builders built buildings the way programmers program computers, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them wrong. This happens to us all the time with computers, but we never think to complain.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, experts agree, is by accident. That’s where computer experts come in. They invented accidents.

One of the most feared expressions in modern times is, “The computer is down.”

Programming today is a race between computer programmers trying to make bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to make bigger and better idiots. So far the Universe is winning.

The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers.

Man is a slow, sloppy, brilliant thinker; the computer is fast, accurate, and stupid.

Crime is a mistake. One should never do anything one cannot talk about over dinner.

It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.

We don’t seem to be able to check in crime, so why not legalize it and tax it out of business?

A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others have thrown at them.

If criticism had any real power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.

From my close observation of writers, they usually fall into two groups:
1) writers who bleed copiously and visibly at any bad review, and
2) writers who bleed copiously and secretly at any bad review.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away. And you have their shoes.

This is not something to be tossed aside lightly.
It should be thrown with great force.

Death, n.: nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
Death, v.: to suddenly stop sinning.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.

“I really am trying to die correctly, but it’s very difficult, you understand.”

“I don’t mind dying; it’s just that you feel so bloody stiff the next day.”

There are three kind of death in this world:
1) heart death
2) brain death
3) being off the computer network

Life is pleasant and death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s so much hassle.

“Die? I should say not, dear ignorant sir. No respectable person of my kind would allow such a conventional thing to happen to them.”

“The report of my death was an exaggeration.”

I hate funerals. I would not attend my own if it were avoidable.

Noble fathers have noble monsters for children.

Parents tend to be the last people on earth who should have children.

“My father had a profound impact on me.”
“Oh? And what was that?”
“He was a lunatic.”

By the time man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Today’s beauty ideal, strongly enforced by media, is to have roughly the same level of body fat as a paperclip.

“If a million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
Or in other words, ‘Everybody else is doing it’ is not an excuse.’ ”

The trouble isn’t that there are too many idiots; the lightning just isn’t distributed right.

A good friend is someone who thinks you’re a good egg even if they know you are slightly cracked.

A friend is someone who knows you and loves you anyways.

I believe in enforced cannibalism. If people were forced to eat what they killed, there wouldn’t be any more wars.

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

The quickest way of ending a war is to lose it.

Organizational structures can be found throughout nature. Monkeys form troops, birds form flocks, fish form schools, worms form bunches of worms, intestinal parasites form law firms, etc.

Over the years, the quality of our presidential timber has declined; today, we are pretty much satisfied if he stays out of jail and occasionally emits a complete sentence.

Men. Idiots. Can’t walk out the door without running into something they think they have to fight.

"Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound."

"Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something."

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."

"The world is more like it is now then it ever has been before."

Funny Bumper Sticker Quotes:
Caution: I drive like you do!

Strangers have the best candy.

Save the Earth, It's the Only Planet with Chocolate.

I brake for scholars, priests, and no apparent reason.

Watch out for the idiot behind me!

There are 2 types of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

All men are idiots, and I married their king.

Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.

IF THIS STICKER IS GETTING SMALLER, THE LIGHT IS PROBABLY GREEN!!

3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

A day without sunshine is, like, night.

According to my best recollection, I don't remember.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

All stressed out and nobody to choke!

DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM!

As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Boldly Going Nowhere

Cleverly Disguised as a Responsible Adult

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes

Despite The Cost Of Living, Have You Noticed How It Remains So Popular?

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.

Do Vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Doctor says I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with that.

Don't drink to drown your sorrow. Sorrow knows how to swim.

Don't Follow Me I’m LOST!!!

Don't judge a book by its movie.

Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!

Don't steal, the government hates competition.

Earth Is The Insane Asylum For The Universe.

Eat Right, Exercise, and Die Anyway.

Ever Stop To Think And Forget To Start Again?

God Must Love Stupid People, He Made So Many

Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

My House is Guarded by a Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.

How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?

I can't go to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean the guns.

I don't drive fast, I fly low.

I don't have a license to kill, but I do have a learner's permit.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

One time I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.

I think, therefore I'm dangerous.

I took a pain pill. Why are you still here?

If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question.

Dyslexics Have More Fnu.

If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?

If We All Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

If you’re feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

If you don't like my attitude, stop looking at my stickers!

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

If you’re stupid and you know it, honk your horn.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

Live as long as you like. It won't shorten how long you're dead.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Mirrors can't talk. Luckily for you they can't laugh either.

My Reality Check Just Bounced

National Atheist's Day: April 1st

No matter how bad it gets, it can always get worse.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool!

Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Oh look! Just 9, 999, 999 more years till i start caring what you think!

Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.

People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who actually do.

Please don't hit me I'm a pedestrian trapped in a car.

Poli-Tics: Poli meaning many, ticks meaning small blood sucking parasites.

Bumper Stickers

Quiet brain! Or I'll poke you with another cue tip.

Rap Is To Music as Etch-A-Sketch Is To Art

Reality is a figment of your imagination.

Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.

Slow thinkers keep left.

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

Some People Are Alive Only Because It’s Illegal to Kill Them

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Support bacteria! It's the only culture some people have.

T.G.I.F :
Thank Goodness I'm Female.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Support Baseball. Bite Some Yankees!

If you can't beat 'em, annoy 'em!

Guns don't kill people, I kill people.

I am well-traveled. Well, not really, my mind just wanders.

I may be in my right brain, but I'm not in my right mind.

Chaos. Panic. Disorder.
My work here is done.

The sky is always bluer at the top of the windshield.

They keep saying the right person will come along, but I think a truck hit mine.

This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one yet.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

Vegetarian: Indian word for BAD HUNTER!

Was today really necessary?

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?

When I married 'Mr. Right,' I didn't know his first name was 'Always.'

Where in the nursery rhyme does say that Humpty Dumpty is an egg?

Where There’s A Will, I’m In The Way.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Why be difficult, when with a bit less effort, you can be impossible?

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Women are born leaders. LOOK you’re following one now!

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, and then used against you.

You! Out of the Gene Pool!

You’re Just Jealous Because the Voices Only Speak to Me

Your village called, their idiot is missing.

Ohayo, imeimashii ningen! = quotes by Jack Handy

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate, famine, or pain. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Every man has something he can do better than anyone else. Usually it is reading his own handwriting.
- Unknown

Ten out of ten people die so don't take life too seriously.
Constructive criticism: I tell you what's wrong with you. Destructive criticism: You tell me what is wrong with me.
My mind is out to get me.

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
--Rhonda Hansome

Behind every successful man is a successful woman… and behind every successful woman, is a substantial amount of coffee.

If you can look into the mirror without laughter, you have no sense of humour.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

When people say, "I’m so tired it's not even funny" or "my head hurts so much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first place?

Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?

Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?

If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?

Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?

Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?

Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?

Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?

Why is it that some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?

Which way does a compass point in space?

Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?

Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

How do they get the air inside the bubble wrap?

Why are there pictures of the sun wearing sunglasses when the purpose of sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the sun?

“Have a good rest?”
“Slept like a baby.”
“Well, that’s good.”
“No it isn’t. I woke up every two hours. In case you didn’t know, that’s how babies sleep.”

When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Can't anybody who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants? Shouldn’t they be more specific and say "employees of this place only"?

An alcoholic is just a drunk that's scared of a hangover.

Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?

If no one buys a ticket to a movie, does the movie still play?

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

If you could walk through the walls, wouldn’t you fall through the floor?

If your name is ‘Will’ and you are in the army, do you get worried when people say fire at will?
I’m sorry I can’t take your call, I'm hiding from the men in white coats. We've been playing hide'n'seek for weeks, and they still haven't found me! Tee hee hee! Leave a message?
Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back – only that I won't.
Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. [Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.] OK, what would you like me to tell me?
Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."

"A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done."

"Death is an acquired trait."

"I am two with nature."

"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better, while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more."

"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker who takes care of everything."

"I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe"

"You sound like you have a split personality."
"Who, us?"

On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"

"Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things."

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

“People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.”
“…Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?”

“Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.” --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
“Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.” --His reply

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I'm very sorry. We did everything we could… but he pulled through.”

"Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it."

Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.
I replied, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'"

She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Suppose you were an idiot...And suppose you were a member of Congress...But I repeat myself.

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."

Hermits have no peer pressure.

What a nice night for an evening.

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier.

Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial.

Never say "Oops" in the operating room.

Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much.

Never use while sleeping. -Instruction on Conair hair dryer

Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel. -American adage about antagonizing newspaper editors.

When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Drawing on my fine command of the language, I said nothing.

The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.

Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the pronoun "we".

The way I figure it is this: if the kids are still alive by the time my husband comes home, I've done my job.

All modern men are descended from apelike creatures, but it shows more on some people than others.

Some people are like Slinkies... Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

Man has made use of his intelligence; he invented stupidity.

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.

ACADEME, n.
An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.
ACADEMY, n.
[from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.
ACCIDENT, n.
An inevitable occurrence due to the action of irreversible natural laws.
ACCUSE, v.t.
To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged him.
ACHIEVEMENT, n.
The death of endeavour and the birth of disgust.
ADDER, n.
A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living.
ADMIRATION, n.
Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
ANOINT, v.t.
To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.
ARMOR, n.
The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.
ARREST, v.t.
Formally to detain one accused of unusualness.
BATTLE, n.
A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.
BELLADONNA, n.
In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.
BLACKGUARD, n.
A man whose qualities, prepared for display like a box of berries in a market -- the fine ones on top -- have been opened on the wrong side. An inverted gentleman.
BORE, n.
A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
BRUTE, n.
See HUSBAND.
CABBAGE, n.
A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
CANNON, n.
An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.
CERBERUS, n.
The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the entrance -- against whom or what does not clearly appear; everybody, sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the entrance. Cerberus is known to have had three heads, and some of the poets have credited him with as many as a hundred.
CIRCUS, n.
A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.
CLAIRVOYANT, n.
A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.
CLARIONET, n.
An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears
COMMERCE, n.
A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.
CONNOISSEUR, n.
A specialist who knows everything about something and nothing about anything else.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth your while!
-Herm Albright

If there were no God, there would be no atheists.
-G. K. Chesterton

I once wanted to be an atheist, but I gave up; they have no holidays.
-Henny Youngman

Nobody talks so constantly about God as those who insist there is no God.
-Heywood Broun

Fall is my favourite season in Los Angeles; watching all the birds change colour and fall from the trees…
-David Letterman

Americans adore me and will go on adoring me until I say something nice about them.
-George Bernard Shaw

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.
-H. L. Mencken

Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are malevolently well informed about the United States.
-J. Bartlett Brebner

"[...] a number of offences of murder by means of a blunt instrument, to whit, a dragon, and many further offences of generalized abetting [...]"

"Have another drink, not-Corporal Nobby?" said Sergeant Colon unsteadily. "I do not mind if I do, not-Sgt Colon," said Nobby.
The joys of working undercover

Fabricati diem, Pvnc.
The motto of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch

A good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read.

There was a thoughtful pause in the conversation as the assembled Brethren mentally divided the universe into the deserving and the undeserving, and put themselves on the appropriate side.

All dwarfs have beards and wear up to twelve layers of clothing. Gender is more or less optional.

All dwarfs are by nature dutiful, serious, literate, obedient and thoughtful people whose only minor failing is a tendency, after one drink, to rush at enemies screaming "Arrrrrrgh!" and axing their legs off at the knee.

People who are rather more than six feet tall and nearly as broad across the shoulders often have uneventful journeys. People jump out at them from behind rocks then say things like, "Oh. Sorry. I thought you were someone else."

It was possibly the most circumspect advance in the history of military manoeuvres, right down at the bottom end of the scale that things like the Charge of the Light Brigade are at the top of.

Vetinari: You think there are the good people and the bad people. You are wrong, of course. There are, always and only, the bad people, but some of them are on opposite sides.

Vimes: It's a metaphor of human bloody existence, a dragon. And if that wasn't bad enough, it's also a bloody great hot flying thing.

The three rules of the Librarians of Time and Space are: 1) Silence; 2) Books must be returned no later than the date last shown; and 3) Do not interfere with the nature of causality.

A number of religions in Ankh-Morpork still practiced human sacrifice, except that they didn't really need to practice any more because they had got so good at it.

The reason that cliches become cliches is that they are the hammers and screwdrivers in the toolbox of communication.

If the Creator had said, "Let there be light" in Ankh-Morpork, he'd have gotten no further because of all the people saying "What colour?"

From the back, Vetinari looked like a carnivorous flamingo.

Cuddy had only been a guard for a few days, but already he had absorbed one important and basic fact: it is almost impossible for anyone to be in a street without breaking the law.

The Battle of Koom Valley is the only one known to history where both sides ambushed each other.

Carrot was two metres tall but he'd been brought up as a dwarf, and then further up as a human.

"Young Edward thinks that there is no lake of blood too big to wade through to put a rightful king on a throne, no deed too base in defence of a crown. A romantic, in fact."

The Ramkins were more highly bred than a hilltop bakery, whereas Corporal Nobbs had been disqualified from the human race for shoving.

Gaspode the Wonder Dog: Pride is all very well, but a sausage is a sausage.

The river Ankh is probably the only river in the universe on which the investigators can chalk the outline of the corpse.

The Alchemist's Guild is opposite the Gambler's Guild. Usually. Sometimes it's above it, or below it, or falling in bits around it.

Sham Harga had run a successful eatery for many years by always smiling, never extending credit, and realizing that most of his customers wanted meals properly balanced between the four food groups: sugar, starch, grease and burnt crunchy bits.

Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness.

Being a werewolf meant having the dexterity and jaw power to instantly rip out a man's jugular. It was a trick of her father's that had always annoyed her mother, especially when he did it just before meals.

"It's got three keyboards and a hundred extra knobs, including twelve with '?' on them."
The Unseen University Organ, as designed by B. S. Johnson

The Librarian of Unseen University had unilaterally decided to aid comprehension by producing an Orang-utan/Human Dictionary. He'd been working on it for three months. It wasn't easy. He'd got as far as "Oook".

"It could be a torture chamber or a dungeon or a hideous pit or anything!"
"It's just a student's bedroom, sergeant."
"You see?"

The maze was so small that people got lost looking for it.
Bloody Stupid Johnson, for all your landscaping needs.

He hated the very idea of the world being divided into the shaved and the shavers. Or those who wore the shiny boots and those who cleaned the mud off them. Every time he saw Willikins the butler fold his, Vimes's, clothes, he suppressed a terrible urge to kick the butler's shiny backside as an affront to the dignity of man.

I AM DEATH, NOT TAXES. I TURN UP ONLY ONCE.

And, while it was regarded as pretty good evidence of criminality to be living in a slum, for some reason owning a whole street of them merely got you invited to the very best social occasions.

There were no public health laws in Ankh-Morpork. It would be like installing smoke detectors in Hell.

You never ever volunteered. Not even if a sergeant stood there and said, "We need someone to drink alcohol, bottles of, and make love, passionate, to women, for the use of." There was always a snag. If a choir of angels asked for volunteers for Paradise to step forward, Nobby knew enough to take one smart pace to the rear.

Rumour is information distilled so finely that it can filter through anything. It does not need doors and windows — sometimes it does not need people. It can exist free and wild, running from ear to ear without ever touching lips.

Vetinari to Vimes: In all, I've had seventeen demands for your badge. Some want parts of your body attached. Why did you have to upset everybody?

It was Carrot who'd suggested to the Patrician that hardened criminals should be given the chance to "serve the community" by redecorating the homes of the elderly, lending a new terror to old age and, given Ankh-Morpork's crime rate, leading to at least one old lady having her front room wallpapered so many times in six months that now she could only get in sideways.

It was hard enough to kill a vampire. You could stake them down and turn them into dust and ten years later someone drops a drop of blood in the wrong place and guess who's back? They returned more times than raw broccoli.

Vimes's grin was as funny as the one that moves very fast towards drowning men. And has a fin on top.

"Taxation, gentlemen, is very much like dairy farming. The task is to extract the maximum amount of milk with the minimum of moo. And I am afraid to say that these days all I get is moo."

he sighed again. She was familiar with the syndrome. They said they wanted a soulmate and helpmeet but sooner or later the list would include a skin like silk and a chest fit for a herd of cows.

One of the universal rules of happiness is: always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

'Look, sir, I know Angua. She's not the useless type. She doesn't stand there and scream helplessly. She makes other people do that.'

"Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."

And there was nothing finer than a wizard dressed up formally, until someone could find a way of inflating a Bird of Paradise, possibly by using an elastic band and some kind of gas.

He had the look of a lawn mower just after the grass had organised a workers' collective. There was a definite suggestion that, deep inside, he knew this was not really happening. It could not be happening because this sort of thing did not happen. Any contradictory evidence could be safely ignored.

It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

"When Mister Safety Catch Is Not On, Mister Crossbow Is Not Your Friend."

He hated being thought of as one of those people that wore stupid ornamental armour. It was gilt by association.

"Don't put your trust in revolutions. They always come around again. That's why they're called revolutions. People die, and nothing changes."

"Do you mean that most of them will be human, or that each individual will be mostly human?" *

His glare ran from face to face, causing most of the squad to do an immediate impression of the Floorboard and Ceiling Inspectors Synchronized Observation Team.

We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything.

"Good grief, you don't just pile stuff up, for gods' sake! A barricade is something you construct! "

"What good would a statue be? It'd just inspire new fools to believe they're going to be heroes. They wouldn't want that. Just let them be. For ever."

On this day in 1802, the painter Methodia Rascal woke up in the night because the sounds of warfare were coming from a drawer in his bedside table.
Again.

You could barely understand the man, he was that posh. It was not so much speech as modulated yawning.

It was the dumb way the pawns went off and slaughtered their fellow pawns while the kings lounged about doing nothing that always got to him; if only the pawns united, maybe talked the rooks round, the whole board could've been a republic in a dozen moves.
Why Vimes doesn't play chess

Only Bloody Stupid Johnson could have invented the 13-inch foot and a triangle with three right angles in it. Only Bloody Stupid Johnson could have twisted common matter through dimensions it was not supposed to enter. And only Bloody Stupid Johnson could have done all this by accident.

Have you ever been talking to someone, and they say something especially keen, such as, 'Yeah, no problem, I live 5 minutes from home.' There's really no correct response, the most appropriate being, 'No thanks, I've already got a penguin.'

"Ever wonder if the light goes out when you close the fridge door? Well, yes it does." - the milk

"My duck does a wonderful trick. It can lay an egg."
“What's so wonderful about that?”
"Well... can you lay an egg?"

"The quality of my life would be greatly reduced if I did not have nostrils."

'Did you sleep well?'
'No, I made a couple of mistakes.'

Attention: There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting.

Debate politics with a fern. If you lose, refuse to water it.

Hope is NOT a thing with feathers, the thing with feathers is my nephew, and I have to take him to a specialist in Zurich.

How's he gonna read that magazine rolled up like that? What the ... - a fly.

I had a flat tire and so went to get a spare at a gas station and the attendant looks at me and asks, 'Did you get a flat?'
So I said, 'No, I was just driving along and the other three just swelled up on me!'
Without missing a beat he says 'Well, they'll do that.'

Nuclear Fission is nice, but none of the really cosmic breakthroughs can hope to surpass the utility and availability of the white 5-gallon plastic bucket.

Therapy is expensive but bubble wrap is free.

This is the nineties; you don't just go around punching people. You have to say something cool first.

When I'm feeling down, I like to eat a bucket of fried chicken in front of a Jenny Craig Outlet.

Breakfast in New York, Lunch in Paris – and, scrawled below the American Airlines poster: Baggage in Hong Kong.

E=mc2. - Written underneath it: Very nice, Albert. Next time, show your work.

If you think our waiters are rude, you should see our manager. (On a cafe wall in Bristol.)

In a military barracks’ men’s room: Notice: In case of an air attack, duck under the urinals. Nobody ever hits them.

Please do not complain about the coffee. You'll be old and weak someday, too!

Please do not throw your cigarette butts on the ground; the turtles crawl out of the ponds and smoke them, and we are trying to get them to quit. (Seen next to a turtle pond on Paradise Island)

A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defence.

Pickup: Do you want to get out of here?
Slam: As long as you promise not to come with me.

Pickup: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Slam: Yeah, that’s why I don't go there anymore.

Pickup: Hey baby, can I buy you a drink?
Slam: Ummm, can I just have the money?

Pickup: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Slam: Do Not Enter.

Pickup: Hey, baby, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Slam: No, was the elevator ride from Hell very long?

Pickup: If I could see you naked, I'd die a happy man.
Slam: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Pickup: Is this seat empty?
Slam: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

Pickup: What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
Slam: What’s it like being the biggest idiot in the world?

Pickup: Where have you been all my life?
Slam: I don't know, but I wish I were still there.

A chat with you, and death loses its sting!

A few sandwiches short of a picnic, aren't we?

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you're abusing the privilege.

Her best friend once sent her a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said: Wish you were here.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

His brain rattles around his head like a pea in a boxcar.

His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

I read your mind, and trust me, it was a short story...

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

If I was in a room with you and two werewolves and I had a gun with two silver bullets, I'd shoot you, twice.

If your head were any harder, you could cut glass with it.

Try not to let your mind wander. It’s too small to be out by itself.

You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

As you slide down the banister of life, may there be no splinters pointing the wrong way.

May the forces of evil become lost and confused on the way to your house.

May you be in heaven a half hour before the Devil knows you’re dead.

May you live as long as you want - and never want as long as you live.

What would you attempt to do, if you knew you couldn't fail?

Professor: "...so don't ask me any stupid questions like, 'What's Newton's First Law?'"
Student: "Who's Newton?"

The only difference between a student chewing gum and a cow chewing cud is the intelligent expression on the cow’s face.

'Where's your sense of adventure?'
'At home in bed where every good sense of adventure should be at 7:30 AM.'

(on a lecturer's door): The probability of finding me in this office is inversely proportional to the magnitude of your urgency.

...Yes, the lectures are optional. Graduation is also optional. - Professor Brian Quinn

A grade 9 history test question: Give the number of automobiles produced in America during the year of your choice.
My answer? 1806: none

A sine curve goes off to infinity – or at least the end of the blackboard

Freshmen don't run, they scamper. They're like hamsters.

My first-level Russian professor, whenever the previous class would run too long: 'We must liberate the room in the name of the people!'

Universities are places of knowledge. Each freshman brings a little in with them, and the seniors take none away, so it accumulates.

Jack Handy:
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say: ‘That's dynamite, baby.’

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be 'Clark Kent, Dentist,' because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said: How's my back tooth? and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said: Oh it's okay, then the patient would probably say: Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid? and you'd say: Aw &*$# you, get outta here, and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page that you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long, personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw water in his face or something.

I'd have to say that my favorite uncle was Uncle Caveman. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and occasionally he'd eat one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think: Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that.

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

Sometimes I wish I were dead. No, wait. Not me — you.

The face of a child can say it all. Especially the mouth part of the face.

Ashleigh Brilliant

“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.”

“My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.”

“Not even a great leader can get very far without great people to lead.”

“Be kind to unkind people - they need it the most.”

“I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have been from you.”

“Life is the only game in which the object of the game is to learn the rules.”

“Our meetings are held to discuss many problems which would never arise if we held fewer meetings.”

“Please don't ask me what the score is, I'm not even sure what the game is.”

“It's human to make mistakes and some of us are more human than others.”

“Keep some souvenirs of your past, or how will you ever prove it wasn't all a dream?”

“Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find out the truth.”

“I'm not yet desperate enough to do anything about the conditions that are making me desperate.”

“My biggest problem is what to do about all the things I can't do anything about.”

“Strange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story.”

“I don't understand you. You don't understand me. What else do we have in common?”

“Take courage! Whatever you decide to do, it will probably be the wrong thing.”

“It's hard to face tomorrow, but it's easier than facing no tomorrow.”

“Sometimes I need what only you can provide -- your absence.”

“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.”

“All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.”

“It's not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line.”

“I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.”

“I don't know how to be happy - They didn't teach it in my school.”

“Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush”

“Strangely enough, this is the past that somebody in the future is longing to go back to.”

“If I had more skill in what I'm attempting, I wouldn't need so much courage.”

If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

My mind contains many good ideas, but it's not always easy to squeeze one out.

The closest you will ever come in this life to an orderly universe is a good library.

The really great people are the ones who know how to make the little people feel great.

Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good.

Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.

We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.

Your own mind is a sacred enclosure into which nothing harmful can enter except by your permission.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

A hush fell over the courtroom, injuring six.

A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ...

A wolf in sheep’s clothing needs professional help.

Above all else: Sky.

Age and knowledge don't always come together. Sometimes you just get the age.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.-Steven Wright

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Clones are people two.

Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!

Dear Journal: I've figured out what's been causing my writer's cramp, that's why this is my last entry.

For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.

Help, I've fallen and I can't... Hey, nice carpet!

Here at First National, you're not just a number - you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number.

I keep trying to lose weight but it always finds me again.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

If ignorance is bliss, I guess that would explain why I'm so miserable!

It's so cold here, the lawyers have their hands in their own pockets!

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

Ways to Relieve Stress #10. Make up a language and ask people for directions.

What's the greatest world-wide use of cowhide? To hold cows together.

Why am I frowning? It takes 42 muscles to frown and only 17 to smile and I need the exercise!

Why not have your cake and eat it too - it's cake, what else are you going to do with it?

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

None of the ideas expressed above are actually mine. They are told to me by Luthor and Ferdinand, the five inch tall space aliens who live under my desk. In return for these ideas, I have given them permission to eat any dust bunnies they may find under there.

-- \ \ / \_-=0/0/_ / / /-==_ _/_/_ - / / (o)
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If you want to send a fax... buy me a fax machine.

As you can see, we're not at home. So leave a message at the sound of the tone. If you're a burglar, we're not gone at all. We're cleaning our shotguns and screening your call.

Hello?... uh huh... yeah... oh, wait, can you say that again? This time after the beep please. Thanks!

Hi, we are probably at home we are just screening our calls to avoid someone we don't like. Leave a message and if we don't call back it was you!

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says: I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

Next time a telemarketer calls you at home in the evening, say to them, "I'm really busy right now, but if you'll give me your home phone number, I'll be sure and call you back when you are relaxing after a hard day at the office."

Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant, filled with odd waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.

There is a special sadness in achievement, in the knowledge that a long-desired goal has been attained at last, and that life must now be shaped toward new ends.
Arthur C. Clarke

What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do.
Bob Dylan

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
- Robert Bloch

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CKLP The Fanfic by girljinn77 reviews
Liz, Epic, George, Tuna, and Nick put on a podcast. Edit: This is just a joke. Citizen Kaine's Live Podcast is an awesome show, and this is one big joke. One of the members of the the podcast requested I write this. I hope you all enjoy!
Web Shows - Rated: M - English - Humor - Chapters: 8 - Words: 5,990 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 6/28/2014 - Published: 4/26/2014
The Great Romantic by MogtheGnome reviews
What are the odds that giving someone a gift would end up cascading into THIS kind of reaction? Probably pretty low... But this way is funnier.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 13 - Words: 57,721 - Reviews: 1035 - Favs: 2,675 - Follows: 2,372 - Updated: 3/4/2014 - Published: 9/29/2007 - Naruto U., Tenten
Minato's accidental time travelling incident! by XspriteyX reviews
Well the 4th hokage decided to try out his new time-travelling jutsu, and oops! They're in naruto's time, will younger Kakashi refrain from killing his older self? Will they be discovered! Read and find out! plz review it's my 1st fan fic
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 39 - Words: 74,754 - Reviews: 408 - Favs: 578 - Follows: 395 - Updated: 9/12/2013 - Published: 9/6/2009 - Naruto U., Minato N.
Unexpected Love by JPMod reviews
Love can pop up unexpectedly with someone you least imagine to fall for. NaruTen. Complete.
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 18 - Words: 171,927 - Reviews: 389 - Favs: 1,260 - Follows: 628 - Updated: 5/16/2011 - Published: 2/7/2009 - [Naruto U., Tenten] - Complete
Cold Days With A Warm Heart by werewolf242002 reviews
Yui has given Azusa the key to her apartment, but also opened a doorway to a whole new form of anxieties for the kouhai. Can Yui handle the new feelings that she awoke within Azusa? Rated M for later chapters, maybe? Yui/Azusa, Ritsu/Mio, Mugi/Ui
K-ON!/けいおん! - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 6 - Words: 21,907 - Reviews: 44 - Favs: 83 - Follows: 31 - Updated: 1/11/2011 - Published: 1/4/2011 - Azusa N., Yui H. - Complete
Another Day by SormustenHerra reviews
I really did miss her. I missed my wonderful sister and I just couldn't forget when she had asked me not leave her. But I had to, and it was better like this, right? 'Taichi and Hikari as siblings.'
Digimon - Rated: K - English - Family/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,283 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 12 - Published: 10/30/2010 - Taichi Y./Tai K., Hikari Y./Kari K. - Complete
Meister Manor by TheGreatBenTennyson reviews
Temptation dominated them, leading Maka and Stein into situations they never could have imagined. Can the two meisters keep their secret affair a 'secret? Stein x Maka / Rated M : Sexual Content CANCELED
Soul Eater - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,126 - Reviews: 36 - Favs: 48 - Follows: 68 - Published: 10/12/2010 - Maka A., Franken Stein
Kitty Kurse by Ailarii reviews
When the Akatsuki are turned into cats and sent to our world and discovered by a total Narutard and her friend, what happens? Chaos. That is what happens my friend; especially when an Alex is involved... DeiOC and ItaOC. Rated for language and humor.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 28 - Words: 126,040 - Reviews: 916 - Favs: 455 - Follows: 158 - Updated: 7/27/2010 - Published: 11/4/2009 - Akatsuki, OC - Complete
A New Life by Kohaku Uzumaki reviews
Naruto, Kohaku OC, and Tenten are orphanes, until Naruto and Tenten get adopted to the Hyuga family, and Kohaku gets adopted to the Inuzuka family. They all move to Kohona to start a new life and thats when things get interesting. NXH OCXK NXT
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Family/Romance - Chapters: 4 - Words: 14,132 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 7 - Updated: 6/1/2010 - Published: 12/23/2007 - Naruto U.
The Exchange by x-Poe-x reviews
Konoha Highschool are having exchange students! How will Naruto, Kiba, Hinata and Shikamaru do as hosts of these students? ShikaxOC GaaxOC. Suggestion for other pairings between other characters are allowed. Needs 2 chara for out stud. WARN. writers block
Naruto - Rated: K - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 636 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 1 - Published: 5/21/2010
The Tenten Days of Christmas by Silent Magi reviews
Based on the song the Twelve Days of Christmas, someone wants Tenten's attention, and goes about it in a big way. With the help of Naruto, can she figure out who is the gift giver, and why they sign only as 'My True Love?
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 12 - Words: 14,301 - Reviews: 113 - Favs: 152 - Follows: 60 - Updated: 1/4/2010 - Published: 12/24/2009 - Tenten, Naruto U. - Complete
Windows Live Messenger: Death Note Style! by Strawberries and Fruit Tea reviews
This is kinda a one-shot thing if I don't get any reviews. What would happen if the Death Note cast got MSN? What would they say? What Mischeif unfolds? YOU DECIDE THE THE REST I did this at 2 in the morning so the first bit, is probs kinda bad, lol.
Death Note - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 195 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 1 - Published: 10/29/2009 - L, Light Y.
Different Beginning,Different Future by howlingwolfz reviews
when naruto is saved form a mob beating by gai, neji, and tenten, they become best friends. What will the future hold for naruto, lee, neji, tenten, naruto, and gai , the first ever 5 member genin team.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 5 - Words: 6,439 - Reviews: 32 - Favs: 45 - Follows: 45 - Updated: 7/15/2009 - Published: 8/28/2008 - Naruto U., Tenten
Wielder of the Shoulang Blades by ragnorokrising reviews
Thrown into the ocean to die, Naruto has found a set of powerful weapons long thought gone. Now he must master them and but up with the new tenant that comes with them. During Wave Arc. on hietus
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 5 - Words: 15,546 - Reviews: 23 - Favs: 70 - Follows: 89 - Updated: 7/12/2009 - Published: 11/20/2008 - Naruto U., Tenten
Return of Namikaze 2 by wilkins75 reviews
Sequel to Return of Namikaze. It has been 33 years since the Kyuubi attacked the village follow the Naruto and Sakura’s kids and others as they become ninjas.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 39 - Words: 84,553 - Reviews: 423 - Favs: 486 - Follows: 227 - Updated: 6/11/2009 - Published: 8/23/2008 - Naruto U., Sakura H. - Complete
Naruto and the ultimate swords by Grubke15 reviews
naruto starts out young and gets attacked 3 life changing things happen abilites a friend and a parent
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 4 - Words: 2,212 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 22 - Follows: 26 - Updated: 5/12/2009 - Published: 3/15/2009 - Naruto U., Tenten
Excerpts:Lost Innocence by R. Jovian reviews
Naruto leaves with jiraiya after graduating from the academy. Returning to fulfill a promise to himself. NaruTen/Tem.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 6 - Words: 8,477 - Reviews: 72 - Favs: 63 - Follows: 126 - Updated: 4/29/2009 - Published: 5/28/2006 - Naruto U., Tenten
Illegitimate Love by Jetslinger reviews
One night of passion can lead to a lifetime of happiness. At least, that's how it is in movies. NarutoxTenten. M for sex and language.
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 13 - Words: 85,055 - Reviews: 1220 - Favs: 1,772 - Follows: 1,017 - Updated: 3/8/2009 - Published: 12/17/2007 - Naruto U., Tenten - Complete
Ninja Skills by RamenIsRad reviews
To prevent the bleak future they know, Tenten and Naruto go back to the past to stop Orochimaru from biting Sasuke. By fighting Fate, they meet some consquences they weren't prepared for...
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 5 - Words: 12,017 - Reviews: 54 - Favs: 37 - Follows: 64 - Updated: 3/5/2009 - Published: 5/19/2008 - Tenten, Naruto U.
Jinchuriki of the Leaf by ninjafan101 reviews
What if Naruto wasn't the only one with a burden to carry? Watch as he helps his fellow containers and as they strive to prove that they are the people they are and not the demons they carry. NaruHina SasuSaku ShikaIno NejiTen my regular couples
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 5 - Words: 51,411 - Reviews: 247 - Favs: 158 - Follows: 129 - Updated: 1/15/2009 - Published: 1/5/2008 - Naruto U.
Ninja Wire by Prince of Madness reviews
The sealing of the Kyuubi went to well, sealing off almost all of Naruto's chakra in the process. Now he makes his way as a weapons expert.
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 13 - Words: 23,317 - Reviews: 188 - Favs: 442 - Follows: 588 - Updated: 1/5/2009 - Published: 6/17/2008 - Naruto U., Tenten
Brothers of the Sharingan by ChildAtHart reviews
And the first new chapter is out! I had a case of writer's blcok for chapter two and figured you had waited long enough. Summary to be edited.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Family/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 11,943 - Reviews: 118 - Favs: 166 - Follows: 186 - Updated: 11/20/2008 - Published: 5/29/2008 - Naruto U., Tenten
Memories by Classic Cowboy reviews
Crossover w Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children For thirteen years, Yuffie Kisaragi had been living a lie. Now the truth of her history has come out and with her friends she's gone in search of the last of her real family: her nephew Naruto Uzumaki
Crossover - Final Fantasy VII & Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 6 - Words: 22,363 - Reviews: 168 - Favs: 210 - Follows: 289 - Updated: 10/26/2008 - Published: 2/23/2006 - Yuffie K., Naruto U.
The White Flame Namikaze by Sacred Beast117 reviews
After Time skip. a.k.a During Naruto Shippuden Sakura Realizes her true feelings for Naruto as he is in a Coma, Sakura wants his love, but he takes off on a training trip to control his gekki genkai called The White Flame. Will Naruto return an love Saku
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 12 - Words: 24,816 - Reviews: 94 - Favs: 230 - Follows: 114 - Updated: 9/16/2008 - Published: 5/18/2008 - Naruto U., Sakura H. - Complete
Descending Heaven by hiro himura reviews
What if Naruto befreinds Tenten at a young age after her parents death in the kyuubi attack? What if Haku didn't die on the Bridge? What if Naruto gained Zabuza's sword? Read and Find out.Rating M for later chapters. TentenxNarutoxfemHaku
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 13 - Words: 86,124 - Reviews: 167 - Favs: 299 - Follows: 287 - Updated: 9/14/2008 - Published: 5/27/2007 - Naruto U., Tenten
Return of Namikaze by wilkins75 reviews
After Naruto brought Sasuke back he left for four years and has returned to reclaim his families titles. However now that he is back new powers are a work against him. Naruto/Sakura and others.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 85 - Words: 142,244 - Reviews: 1573 - Favs: 1,361 - Follows: 558 - Updated: 8/30/2008 - Published: 1/14/2008 - Naruto U., Sakura H. - Complete
Akatsuki: The Beginning of the End by Maverick-san reviews
The Akatsuki are are moving once more. They have lost some of their best members. It's time for them to bring up new members to this dark circle...but who? ItaAne, TenOC
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Humor/Suspense - Chapters: 22 - Words: 42,090 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 8/25/2008 - Published: 8/31/2007 - Itachi U., Tenten
Konoha Ninja High by xXFadingIllusionsXx reviews
What happens to Naruto when He leaves Konoha at eight and then comes back 8 years later to finish ninja school? A Naruto High school fic. Rated for later chapters.
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,244 - Reviews: 16 - Favs: 14 - Follows: 16 - Updated: 8/20/2008 - Published: 8/13/2008 - Naruto U., Sakura H.
Uchiha Sasuke Returns by ilovesoccer13 reviews
Sasuke returns to Konoha and tries to get Sakura to fall in love with him again. But unbeknownst to Sasuke and the rest of Konoha, Sakura and Naruto have a secret...Saku/Naru, Ten/Neji, Shika/Ino, Kiba/Hina.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 17 - Words: 31,180 - Reviews: 261 - Favs: 208 - Follows: 86 - Updated: 7/30/2008 - Published: 7/1/2008 - Naruto U., Sakura H. - Complete
The Dragon Sennin by Rukia8492 reviews
Naruto has a big brother who has come back to check on him who has been gone for 12 years. Will he accept the way naruto has been treated by the villagers? NarutoXTenten
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 9 - Words: 8,905 - Reviews: 205 - Favs: 113 - Follows: 119 - Updated: 7/15/2008 - Published: 12/1/2004 - Naruto U., Tenten
Brown Eyes meets Blue by DarthValgaav reviews
Rin couldn't take losing Obito. She just wanted to go away. So, the Fourth helps her with that.What will happen now that she's back and is still 12 years old. NarutoRin
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 38 - Words: 155,878 - Reviews: 2746 - Favs: 1,887 - Follows: 1,170 - Updated: 7/10/2008 - Published: 2/24/2007 - Naruto U., Rin - Complete
Rokudaime Naruto by czgohan reviews
This is the sequel to Naruto Sensei picking up where i left off in the last story. the ninja must face the trials started in the first part. please, please r&r Naruto/Hinata pairing thanks and enjoy
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 17 - Words: 39,817 - Reviews: 117 - Favs: 129 - Follows: 52 - Updated: 7/6/2008 - Published: 4/22/2008 - Naruto U., Hinata H. - Complete
Be My Girlfriend by makebelievegirl reviews
Naruto's dating Tenten! When did this start happening and why do Neji and Sakura look so angry? Hmmm, wanna find out? Click and look inside. Rated M. NaruTen
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,607 - Reviews: 45 - Favs: 46 - Follows: 62 - Published: 6/22/2008 - Naruto U., Tenten
A New Naruto v2 by gamersxtreme reviews
Version 2 since author gave permision to continue story he wrote. Naruto trains himself after being refused training from Kakashi. TenxNaru
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Adventure - Chapters: 22 - Words: 42,374 - Reviews: 215 - Favs: 440 - Follows: 463 - Updated: 6/16/2008 - Published: 12/23/2006 - Naruto U., Tenten
To Be Given Happiness by SonOfKakashi reviews
For most of Naruto’s life everyone had hated him. What would happen if he had found a friend? Would he be able to find the happiness that he had longed for?Or would Happiness be Given to Him? NARUTO SERIES REMAKE. Naruto and Tenten with other Parings.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 6 - Words: 20,976 - Reviews: 51 - Favs: 45 - Follows: 65 - Updated: 6/4/2008 - Published: 5/7/2008 - Naruto U., Tenten
Namikaze Hokage by NamikazeNaruto reviews
AU. What if Naruto discovered about his heritage before he entered the academy? How would he turn out? Read and find out as Naruto strives to accomplish of his goals of becoming Hokage and revive the Namikaze Clan.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 39 - Words: 209,408 - Reviews: 461 - Favs: 787 - Follows: 570 - Updated: 5/24/2008 - Published: 10/19/2007 - Naruto U., Sakura H.
Hatake Uzumaki Naruto by Akiru13 reviews
Naruto is bashed and left for dead in an alleyway. Kakashi and Rin take him in and along with other Konoha eiltes, train the future team 7 from a young age. NaruSaku. Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura extra powerful, no emo-Sasuke. AU.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 6 - Words: 29,420 - Reviews: 94 - Favs: 144 - Follows: 158 - Updated: 5/23/2008 - Published: 3/6/2008 - Naruto U., Sakura H.
Naruto Sensei by czgohan reviews
simply put Naruto is a Jonin sensei to his own genin team also there is naruto/hinata coupling please r&r if you want me to contine the story please let me know what you think
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 17 - Words: 39,424 - Reviews: 119 - Favs: 214 - Follows: 82 - Updated: 4/21/2008 - Published: 3/10/2008 - Naruto U., Hinata H. - Complete
Just Another Day With The Akatsuki by hichigomate reviews
If you've ever wondered what goes on with these infamous villains, check out this story. A little random humor that appears when you're bored and watching horror films.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 918 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 30 - Follows: 7 - Published: 3/31/2008 - Itachi U., Naruto U. - Complete
Four Months and Eight Days by NicolettexMarie reviews
A series of one-shots about Cloud, Tifa, and Marlene and Denzel. Mostly from Cloud's PoV, some from Tifa's. Moving on has been easier than expected... but will Cloud EVER catch a break? Ch. 7 tiny bit lemony! Please review! Didn't know kids' ages, guessed
Final Fantasy VII - Rated: M - English - Romance/Family - Chapters: 8 - Words: 7,119 - Reviews: 36 - Favs: 38 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 3/23/2008 - Published: 3/18/2008 - Cloud S., Tifa L. - Complete
The Power of Miracles by Whitefang16 reviews
Naruto is banished after the battle with Sasuke. Jiraiya becomes his teacher and an unexpected person decides to tag along for the trip. Based on We're a Miracle by DJ Rodriguez. NaruTen
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 5 - Words: 26,113 - Reviews: 93 - Favs: 191 - Follows: 237 - Updated: 3/18/2008 - Published: 9/20/2007 - Naruto U., Tenten
Tenten Gaiden! by recodan reviews
I know. You've read a bunch of 'alternate team' style fics. This one's different. Naruto's on the team, Neji isn't. Lee doesn't wear spandex. And Tenten is GASP! THE MAIN CHARECTER! Warning - Canon not guarenteeded. Naruto x Tenten most likely.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Friendship - Chapters: 3 - Words: 17,185 - Reviews: 79 - Favs: 87 - Follows: 135 - Updated: 3/6/2008 - Published: 2/24/2008 - Tenten, Naruto U.
Tenten Uzumaki by Dmygo reviews
Another what if! Tenten is facing a choice that will change her life forever. Will she she take a risk of a lifetime to be with a certain blonde? R&R, this is definitely a chapter or three so bare with. PEace!
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 5 - Words: 12,305 - Reviews: 61 - Favs: 68 - Follows: 48 - Updated: 2/12/2008 - Published: 11/19/2007 - Tenten, Naruto U. - Complete
High School Naruto by K. Albanez reviews
...exactly what it says on the tin...
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 596 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 7 - Published: 2/6/2008 - Naruto U., Sasuke U.
Vengeful Love on the Loose! by Issylt reviews
Temari beats Tenten. Tenten's lover Neji kills Temari. So mad Shikamaru vows to take revenge on Neji...by stealing Tenten away from him. ShikaTema, Teneji, ShikaTen
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Romance/Parody - Chapters: 10 - Words: 9,261 - Reviews: 27 - Favs: 10 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 1/21/2008 - Published: 11/28/2007 - Shikamaru N., Tenten - Complete
Genin Wars by SMBEffect reviews
When strange events occur and a Genin War starts, each must pick a side. Will the teams fall apart and will new ones be formed? In the world of Naruto, all is fair in love and war. My first fic! Please review!
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Drama/Humor - Chapters: 7 - Words: 10,382 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 12/27/2007 - Published: 11/12/2007
One Piece: A Ninja's Tale by Phantom64 reviews
Luffy finds a teenage ninja from another world along with some of his friends. Together they search for One Piece and a way to get them home!But will terrors from both worlds kill them all? One Piece X Naruto crossover
One Piece - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,056 - Reviews: 40 - Favs: 34 - Follows: 44 - Published: 12/16/2007 - Luffy, Nami
Behind a Mask by refused reviews
Hiatus. Tenten, now 18 years old and chuunin, takes her first step as ANBU. Never did she imagine that a certain blonde would be the new captain of her team. NaruTen.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 5 - Words: 27,826 - Reviews: 419 - Favs: 506 - Follows: 388 - Updated: 12/5/2007 - Published: 7/3/2004 - Naruto U., Tenten
The Mating Frenzy by MSkyDragons reviews
After the attacks by Orochimaru and the Sand, Konoha’s population is dangerously low. Desperate times call for extreme measures, and Tsunade issues a priority S class mission to every Leaf ninja: to pair off and start making babies!
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 33 - Words: 70,171 - Reviews: 7093 - Favs: 5,492 - Follows: 2,265 - Updated: 11/22/2007 - Published: 7/24/2006 - Naruto U. - Complete
Socks and Terrorism by Corralero reviews
Sequel to A Conversations of Clowns. Socks, terrorism, clowns and gratitude. With Duo in recovery, he is left with time to think. Even freedom fighters have to do their washing.
Gundam Wing/AC - Rated: K+ - English - Angst/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,490 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 32 - Follows: 4 - Published: 11/18/2007 - Duo M., Trowa B. - Complete
A Mothers Love by maverick9871 reviews
The night Naruto steals the forbidden scroll he learns that not only does he have a mother but also a twin sister. See how this changes the world forever.
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Adventure - Chapters: 9 - Words: 88,802 - Reviews: 391 - Favs: 790 - Follows: 352 - Updated: 11/3/2007 - Published: 10/22/2007 - Naruto U., Tenten - Complete
Time Flies By by Mokona rulez reviews
Dear beloved readers, This story is being DISCONTINUED. Forgive any grief and/or woe that this tragic, but necessary, action causes you, and all those close to you.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Drama/Humor - Chapters: 6 - Words: 5,348 - Reviews: 20 - Favs: 9 - Follows: 15 - Updated: 10/30/2007 - Published: 8/2/2006 - Naruto U., Tenten - Complete
50 Ways to Annoy Neji by Angelgirl18647 reviews
Quick one'shot done by me and Manda cause we were bored and it was raining. We like it. 50 ways to annoy Neji, do we even need to tell you wants it about?
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 629 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 2 - Published: 9/23/2007 - Neji H. - Complete
The Demon Winged Protector by EternalBlizzardOfSwords66 reviews
FF7 Crossover. As a baby, NAruto was taken from his world, only to be experimented on. After he was betrayed by Sephiroth, he returns to his world, trying to find his home, and to carry out his revenge against his mentor. Sorry about bad summary
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 36 - Words: 30,616 - Reviews: 99 - Favs: 98 - Follows: 50 - Updated: 9/9/2007 - Published: 2/8/2007 - Naruto U. - Complete
My Schoolmate, The Shinobi by SSJ2 PikaFlash reviews
AU: Naruto is the most powerful fighter in West Konoha High. Sasuke is the top student in East Konoha High. When an accident at Sasuke's old school sends him to West Konoha, it will not be your typical High School fanfic.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 3 - Words: 4,712 - Reviews: 33 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 26 - Updated: 9/8/2007 - Published: 6/10/2006 - Sasuke U., Naruto U.
A Chance Meeting by Master Tragedy reviews
Who would imagine that one second your getting beaten to within an inch of your life, and the next, your meeting the best friends of your life. The world's just funny like that. Main pairings: NarutoXHanabi, slight NarutoXHinata.
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 3 - Words: 24,368 - Reviews: 80 - Favs: 93 - Follows: 160 - Updated: 8/1/2007 - Published: 7/20/2007 - Naruto U., Hanabi H.
The Grand Ninja Tournament by Destineylegend reviews
Ninja have gathered and reunited for the toughest tournament ever.Naruto and his friends must now fight for their dreams and prove they are the best in this ultimate tournament.NarxTen,NejixIno,ShikaxTem,KibaxHinata,LeexSaku,ShizunexOc.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 21 - Words: 60,497 - Reviews: 24 - Favs: 37 - Follows: 19 - Updated: 7/30/2007 - Published: 7/21/2006 - Naruto U., Tenten - Complete
Chuunin of the Leaf by dragonblade3200 reviews
Naruto, Hanabi, and Jakon have become chuunin, now read their story, know their legacy. Not HanabiXNaruto, Implied NarutoXHinata. Sequel to Genin of the Leaf. RRR Read Reveiw Repeat
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 6 - Words: 38,428 - Reviews: 66 - Favs: 55 - Follows: 51 - Updated: 7/24/2007 - Published: 4/29/2007 - Naruto U., Hanabi H.
Birth of the Demonslayers by maverick9871 reviews
FIXED STORY MISTAKE A woman appears with an interesting tale and drags Naruto and Tenten to Feudal Japan to finish a task. narutoxinuyasha crossover. Will be part of a series
Crossover - Inuyasha & Naruto - Rated: M - English - Adventure - Chapters: 2 - Words: 7,008 - Reviews: 36 - Favs: 57 - Follows: 93 - Updated: 7/7/2007 - Published: 7/5/2007 - Naruto U.
Naruto's Birthday by Angelgirl18647 reviews
ON HOLD FOR TIME BEING! It's Naruto's birthday and he thinks about time Sakura and Sasuke learn the truth about him. But will they be able to handle it
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 14 - Words: 18,652 - Reviews: 192 - Favs: 78 - Follows: 79 - Updated: 6/21/2007 - Published: 1/14/2007 - Naruto U., Sakura H.
Konoha's Demon Katana by FreedomGundam05 reviews
Retelling of Naruto, with major diffrent missions and changes. Naruto is known to be the Yondaime's son. TenTen's family took him in but they die suddenly leaving naruto and tenten alone at a young age. NarutoTenTen
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 18 - Words: 31,188 - Reviews: 286 - Favs: 286 - Follows: 381 - Updated: 5/2/2007 - Published: 10/11/2006 - Naruto U., Tenten
Genin of The Leaf by dragonblade3200 reviews
The story of how Naruto will become a chuunin with a new group, including Hanabi Hyuga. Not HanabiXNaruto . RR its my first Naruto fic. Prequal to Chuunin of the Leaf
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 21 - Words: 106,624 - Reviews: 236 - Favs: 171 - Follows: 163 - Updated: 4/24/2007 - Published: 9/20/2006 - Hanabi H., Naruto U. - Complete
Owari Nai Yume ni Tamesarete mo by baldragnarok16 reviews
[Even When Tried by the Neverending Dream] They both felt empty, in one way or another. One was an outcast, the other misunderstood. They both believe in dreams, but how far will they go to ensure that their dreams become reality? Main pairing: NaruxTe
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 16 - Words: 51,296 - Reviews: 172 - Favs: 72 - Follows: 123 - Updated: 2/26/2007 - Published: 5/15/2006 - Tenten, Naruto U.
Hawk Eyes by The-Eighth-Sin reviews
My First Fic. Naruto gets a special bloodline. NOT the Sharingan or Byakugen. I'm gonna try and make this awesome. Please R&R. flame if you want I'll just laugh. rating for safety. I'm starting to edit all chaps. Bloodline explained in chap2.
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 7 - Words: 39,863 - Reviews: 303 - Favs: 463 - Follows: 608 - Updated: 2/7/2007 - Published: 12/9/2006 - Naruto U., Tenten
Two Brothers by ArminaSkitty reviews
Naruto and Sasuke are both orphans, so what would happen if someone adopted them? And was then killed in the line of duty? What kind of Chaos could those two get into if Naruto taught Sasuke the joy of pranks? I foresee adults in need of therapy....
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 4 - Words: 19,704 - Reviews: 86 - Favs: 125 - Follows: 121 - Updated: 1/24/2007 - Published: 1/26/2006 - Naruto U., Sasuke U.
To Be Whole by TheDrunkenDragon reviews
Naruto and Tenten are sent off on a three year training mission with a seeming stranger of Konoha. What is their new sensei hiding? How will Naruto and Tenten handle training together away from everything they once knew? NaruTen NarutoxTenten
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 11 - Words: 51,501 - Reviews: 275 - Favs: 293 - Follows: 378 - Updated: 1/21/2007 - Published: 10/27/2006 - Naruto U., Tenten
Final Fantasy: Twilight Serenade by Handofeternity reviews
This is a crossover I did with the main characters from FF 7,8, and 10. It's about the relationships of each character and the personal struggle to cling to the bonds of human contact. Rated M for lemon, character death, language, and depictions of gore.
Final Fantasy VII - Rated: M - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,860 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 1 - Published: 1/11/2007 - Cloud S., Tifa L.
Konoha’s Raging Storm by Cup Ramen reviews
A six year old Naruto is fed up with the treatment from the villagers and most of all being weak.Watch a young Naruto create a name for himself. A name that brings fear to his opponents and hope to his comrades. Watch the birth of Konoha's Raging Storm
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 10 - Words: 57,079 - Reviews: 573 - Favs: 856 - Follows: 952 - Updated: 1/4/2007 - Published: 7/12/2006 - Naruto U., Tenten
Hero or Devil by FreedomGundam05 reviews
Naruto taken in by Kakashi at a young age and with his friends struggles each day now to become the hero his father wanted or to give into the village and give them the demon they so strongly want....NarutoTenTen
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 3 - Words: 7,003 - Reviews: 57 - Favs: 47 - Follows: 115 - Updated: 11/5/2006 - Published: 11/4/2006 - Naruto U., Tenten
Destiny of a Shinobi by Zephyrical reviews
AU, What if Naruto saw the means for a better life on his own, and took it? NarutoTenten. No Yaoi.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 4 - Words: 31,395 - Reviews: 126 - Favs: 111 - Follows: 208 - Updated: 7/10/2006 - Published: 6/13/2006 - Naruto U., Tenten
Power of Foxes by Gin Ryu No Rai reviews
Naruto gets training from both Jaraiya and Kyuubi for the Chuunin Exam Finals. Will love bloom for some unexpected people? NaruXTen First book COMPLETE! Sequel posted!
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 11 - Words: 13,432 - Reviews: 242 - Favs: 431 - Follows: 309 - Updated: 6/20/2006 - Published: 5/3/2006 - Naruto U., Tenten - Complete
Demons glory by LD 1449 reviews
something happens in konoha breaking naruto in the most horible way will he beable to forgive konoha or will he destroy it. NARUSAKU,GAAHINA,SASUOC,ITAOC,TSUJIR,KAKAKURE,ANKOIRU.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 38 - Words: 100,807 - Reviews: 1952 - Favs: 1,490 - Follows: 573 - Updated: 5/6/2006 - Published: 3/6/2006 - Naruto U., Sakura H. - Complete
Naruto: Anbu Wars by noelsque reviews
Still holding the promise to get back the Uchiha deserter, Naruto joins the Anbu in hope that he will encounter him again. Now the deserter returns bringing hell with him. Will Naruto keep his promise or will he keep the duties he was bound to as an Anbu.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 4 - Words: 12,048 - Reviews: 22 - Favs: 30 - Follows: 37 - Updated: 1/31/2006 - Published: 1/10/2006 - Naruto U., Tenten
Mirror Images by Juggalomalice reviews
Its TaiKari. Its incest. Don't like it go away. When Tai and Kari go to the Digtal World for some nice broterly sistery bonding they're transported to another dimension almost identical to their own accept for one very distict difference. On Hold
Digimon - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 8,027 - Reviews: 46 - Favs: 64 - Follows: 75 - Updated: 10/12/2005 - Published: 10/3/2005 - Taichi Y./Tai K., Hikari Y./Kari K.