Author has written 4 stories for Yu Yu Hakusho, Naruto, Hellsing, and Fruits Basket.
“I’m gonna die… But I’m gonna smile while I’m doing so.” Naruto grinned wildly. Shino nodded, sending both Gai and Hayate into laughter.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone:"Shan't say nothing if you don't say please!" -Peeves
“Your cat is so cute! What’s…her name?”
“And that stands for…?”
“Pain In The Ass. Somewhat inappropriate, thus, Pita.” He drove a hand into the no-man’s land under the cushions. After groping around valiantly for a few moments, he triumphantly pulled forth a remote control.
“I knew the couch couldn’t have eaten it yet…” Bakura glared at the giggling Yugi and hit a small green button.
“I think I need a shower after meeting those two.”
Three snorts of derision and contempt greeted her entrance back to the living room. “Either one of us could have told you they were unpleasant, sister.”
Isis smiled gently at her brothers. “You’re biased.”
“True.” They smirked in unison. “But they’re horrible.”
“You know, you have a good eye for fashion,” she said as Bakura looked at her like she was crazy.
“Wha—no, no, I just figured that blue went with blue,” he said, walking closer to Ryou. “And now for my vanishing act,” he said as he disappeared into the Ring, leaving Joey and Tea surprised.
“What the—oh right. I forgot he was a spirit...Now I feel dumb,” Joey mumbled, sad. Tea patted him on the back before turning to Ryou.
“Um, about last night,” Harry suddenly became nervous. Sev walked briskly to the door.
“We’ll talk about that tonight, right now; we have to face the music.” He straitened his robes and beckoned Harry to the door. Harry reached out and grabbed the invisibility cloak.
“How about another plan?” Harry said throwing it loosely around his shoulders. The Slytherin head looked at him appraisingly.
“Sneaking out when no doubt Pomfrey and Albus are looking for answers? Very Slytherin of you Harry.”
“Don’t I know it!” Harry replayed, softly sighing in contentment as Sev slipped his arms around his waist so both of them could fit under the cloak comfortably.
Harry pushed the door open slightly and both of them as light footed as possible walked out, passing Poppy who was lying down on one of the patients beds looking rather spaced, continuously babbling about how she was going to ‘knock some sense into the boy.’ Harry suppressed a snicker, he knew exactly what had brought about Poppy’s temporary drugged state.
He had discovered that Albus had two supplies of Sherbet lemons, the ones he gave you at first, that convinced you they were just sweets, and the rather charming ones that semi sedated you for a couple of hours, leaving Albus time to do what ever is was he did, while you were slipping in and out of reality. Harry had learned the hard way, and was as adamant about not taking candy from Albus as he was from Fred’n’Gorge.
They escaped into the corridor un-noticed, Albus no where in sight. Harry pulled the cloak of them and made a smirk worthy of Draco.
“Fig Jam!” Harry looked gleeful at evading the inevitable interrogations for a while.
“And pray tell, what does that mean?” Severus asked sarcastically.
“Fuck I'm Good, Just Ask Me.” Harry replied, good spirits not dampened bye Sev’s tone.
“Yes,” Severus said sceptically. “Well, you had better get to breakfast.” With that Severus did his swooping thing and headed off to get a pepper up potion. He was barley standing by the time he got to his rooms, he was exhausted and still in a measurable amount of pain from all that had happened and was really, really in need of that pepper up potion.
Harry walked quickly to breakfast, he would have to go up and collect his things before class.
Today was a very good day. He had done all sorts of wonderful things to Sev, he had gotten away without the 20 questions he’d been dreading from poppy, he was going to have one hell of a story to tell Draco, and to top it all off like a glittering crown, Severus had said that they would talk about things tonight, so he was going to get to see Sev sooner than he had thought. Oh yes, today was a damn good day.
Now if only he could come up with a good excuse for not doing his Charms homework. ‘I was to busy worrying about Professor Snape, and then later on with buggering him to do the work.’ Though had the potential to be hilarious probably wouldn’t go down too great with the knee high wizard.
"Now, Mello, what seems to be the problem?" The camp's head psychiatrist questioned with an air of superiorty that set Mello's teeth on edge.
"Which one?" Mello asked. The psychiatrist seemed confused for a moment.
"Why, the one that brought you here of course." She recovered quickly.
"I tried to set the backyard gardens on fire." Mello answered casually. Stare.
"Oh... I see." The psychiatrist scribbled something in that little notebook that all cliche psychiatrists must be required to have. "And why did you do this?"
"Seemed like a good idea at the time." Mello shrugged. More scribbling.
"Mello, what did you feel when you were setting the fire?"
"Frustration." Mello didn't even bother making eye contact, he had already filed the psychiatrist under 'Pompous moron' and was currently examining her office for anything interesting. The psychiatrist on the other hand seemed to think she'd found an opening.
"Frustration? Is that because you have pent-up emotions? Do you have random periods of anger or fear?" The psychiatrist leaned forward anxiously.
"No, I was frustrated because the stupid fire wouldn't start."
"Oh." The psychiatrist sat back, feeling a tad chagrined. "Well, let's move on shall we?" Mello grunted non-committedly. "Right... Mello, why do you think you were sent here?"
"Because I tried to set the backyard gardens on fire. Didn't I just answer that question?"
The psychiatrist felt a migraine coming on.
"This is it, the coup de grace, if you will." Matt presented the object proudly, displaying it as the psychiatrist mentioned above might display a prestigious award. Near looked unimpressed.
"A water gun." The pale boy stated. Matt hugged the projectile protectively.
"Look, do you want style or do you want results?"
"Results." Near admitted.
"Then stop whining and just take the thing." Matt practically forced it into Near's hands.
"Who should I spray?" He asked, shifting the water gun to his left hand and poking it experimentally with his right.
"Everyone! Spray everyone!" Matt threw up his hands exasperatedly. "Sheesh, you're such a prank-virgin." There was silence for a moment.
Near sprayed Matt.
"That was a rude thing to say."
"Ah!" Ollivander exclaimed upon spotting the Malfoy patriarch. "Lucius Malfoy! Cocobolo and Ebony, dragon heartstring, fifteen inches! A very passionate wand!"
Lucius stiffened and paled.
"Yes, yes," the old man continued. "A rare creation. Within it courses the energy of desire, sexuality, ambition, adventure, even rage! A very masculine wand!"
"Do you have to say that every time I so much as pass by your shop, you old pervert!?" Lucius growled.
Harry struggled to stifle his laughter at the manic gleam in Ollivander's eye and the light blush on Lucius' pale cheeks. He was unable to restrain himself from commenting. "Oh, Lucius, but it fits you so well. You're such a very passionate person."
Lucius sputtered inelegantly for a few seconds before shouting out the door, "Narcissa!" As his wife bustled into the shop, he pointed an accusing finger at Ollivander. "He's doing it again."
"Oh for Heaven's sake!" she said, rolling her eyes. "You two are like children!"
"He set me on fire," Ollivander mumbled so that only Harry could hear. "Dryads don't like fire and a Sylph's wind just fans the flames. I thought I was gonna die."
Harry's laughter began anew as he pictured an eleven year old Lucius setting Ollivander on fire.
“Flawless victory.” Gaara muttered as he flexed his hand and the council members trapped in his sand were crushed.
Naruto shook his head. “See, this is why we shouldn’t have gotten him a playstation for his birthday.”
Hinata shook her head. “Men.”
‘Look, I don’t know about you, but, quite frankly I’m utterly bored with listening to the sadness. It’s all I’ve been picking up for years. Now why don’t you try being positive, if you can.’
“Positive? I’m hearing a voice coming out of a fob watch. What possible reason should I have to be positive?” asked Ianto, not phased at all for some reason.
‘… that is a very good point. I’ll leave you to your moping, shall I?”
“Please do.” said Ianto, smirking when there was silence again.
Silence ensued. Yamamoto coughed. “So, does anyone else want to file sexual harassment charges against their captains?”
Two hands raised- Nanao's and Matsumoto's. Hitsugaya glared at his second. “Put your damned hand down, Matsumoto.”
She looked offended. “I'm completely serious!” She turned to the Captain-General, “My captain is constantly looking at my chest, and it's starting to make me feel uncomfortable.”
“For god's sake, woman, does it not occur to you that I'm only as tall as your chest? Of course I end up looking at them, they're the first thing I see when I look straight ahead.”
“Oh? Then what about-”
“That would stop happening if you stopped hugging me! What is it about the words eye-level that you don't understand?!”
Matsumoto relented, but still didn't look pleased. “Well, still.”
Hitsugaya buried his face in his hands. “I hate you so much. When I hit puberty, I pray to God I turn out to be gay.”
“Oh, taichou, am I really so awful as to turn you off women forever?”
“YES.” Hitsugaya hissed. Matsumoto grabbed him and hugged him, subsequently burying his face in her chest with a strangled “Hurk!” noise.
“I'm so glad I've left an influence on you!”
His voice muffled from his face's current location within his vice-captain's cavernous cleavage, Hitsugaya pleaded, “Sir? Petition for a transfer of Lieutenants?”
“Also, I feel I should let you know that that is your seventh time to request a change in vice-captains, and at ten requests I am obligated to put you two into couple's therapy.”
Iba laughed. “Oh yeah, because that went so well for Kuchiki and Wanajima.”
Byakuya defended himself with a calm, “I'll have you know that was officially ruled as an accidental death- just check the records.”
Iba scoffed. “Yeah, and because of that incident we all learned a valuable lesson- nobility never get convicted.”
“I was thinking about something, so I wasn’t really concentrating. Itachi popped up out of nowhere and…” he left it hanging.
Itachi shook his head, clearly trying to hide his amusement.
“What did she do now?” he asked, actual resignation appearing in his face.
Sasuke gave him a look of confusion.
“Naruto, what did she do? I know this is her fault, that girl causes problems without even being in the room. You’ve been acting strange since you came home, it’s only logical this is her fault somehow. What did she do?” he asked, in a tone that seemed to beg nothing that had caused destruction.
Sasuke’s flushed face was enough to answer his question.
“Oh shit…” Fugaku rubbed his temples before glaring at Itachi.
“You. Why didn’t you go through this? This would be so much easier if I you had, I’d have previous experience for reference”
Fugaku gave him a look of exasperation before gesturing to Sasuke with one hand.
“This! Girls! Puberty! You never did that! You just grew…” he glanced his eldest up and down tut-ing.
“With you I just had to point out the facts and leave it at that. If you weren’t so asexual I wouldn’t be having this problem…” he glanced towards his youngest.
“What do girls have to with puber-whatsit?” Sasuke asked.
“Great now I have to give him the Talk...” Fugaku grumbled, stomping down the hall to his office, still grumbling.
“...Bad enough with Itachi, I could bribe Iruka but that means Naruto’ll be sent back to the girl’s class for a while. If this get’s out she’ll be hell on earth…”
Itachi ignored his father, still offended by the asexual remark.
“The Talk? What Talk?”
Anger trumped this time as he yanked the blade out, leaping across the table at me. I mentally awarded him three points for the effort, using sonido to dodge the attack as I sped backwards. Unfortunately, I lost another fifth of a cupful. This was starting to annoy me now, as I glared at the now-depleted contents of my cup, then at Grimmjow.
“You just lost me my tea,” I said quietly.
“Why should I give a shit about your damn tea?!”
All of the other Espada were watching now, unsure as to whether to interfere or not.
Aizen will be very annoyed. His table’s ruined, noted my zanpakutou.
On the other hand, I lost my tea, I replied.
You’re willing to fight over tea? There was a light chuckle.
They did in Boston.
McCoy is never quite sure how Jim managed to trick him into being roommates. He's pretty sure that conversation had started with him very emphatically stating that he didn't foresee that combination culminating in anything other than bloody death, probably Jim's but maybe his own, and somehow it ended with Jim's stuff taking over half of the closet and his socks on the bedposts.
When McCoy asks him about the socks thing, Jim just shrugs and says, "They look like little penises, don't they?" Only fucking Jim, McCoy swore to God.
Harry's favorite Exam, of course, was Defense Against the Dark Arts. The obstacle course was great fun and reminded him a little bit of Auror training – on that first day where they were weeding out those who couldn't hack it at the real training. Harry, of course, finished first with full marks. This annoyed Hermione to no end considering he'd done it backwards, with his eyes closed, and without his wand. But that was just what she got for beating him in Sirius's class. There was no way his godfather would let him live down being outsmarted by a fourteen-year-old, even if it was Hermione.
"I can't believe you took directions from our exam," Harry laughed at Ron, who had encountered problems upon reaching the Hinkypunk when he had – for some reason – followed its advice and ended up sinking wait-high into the quagmire.
"What would you know? You had your eyes closed the entire time! It's not like you could have stopped it and asked for directions," Ron replied.
"I get that you're sore that I beat you so blatantly in this Exam," Harry told his agitated friend. "But you have to remember: this is my subject."
"You had the fastest time yet!" Ron pointed out, still irritated.
"My subject," Harry reiterated.
"Your modesty is really your best quality, Harry," Hermione said dryly as she came up behind them.
"Hey," Harry greeted her. "How was sonnet-spewing McGonagall?"
"She wasn't," Hermione answered. Upon seeing the twin looks of confusion on Harry and Ron's face's, she elaborated, "This time she rapping an opera about my failings."
Harry laughed. "Now that I have to see. I wonder if I can-"
"No," Ron interrupted. "I can see what you're going to ask and I'm telling you right now: she'll never do it, mate."
"Spoilsport," Harry pouted. "Hey, what's taking Neville? He's been in there with the Boggart for over twenty minutes now."
Hermione and Ron exchanged meaningful glances.
"Well," Hermione began, trying to be tactful. "His Boggart is rather intimidating…"
"It is NOT-" Harry started to say when he was interrupted by Neville bursting out of the trunk with the Boggart, screaming.
"Oh shut up," Harry said annoyed as Ron started giggling.
"What happened?" Ron asked between his laughter.
Neville looked tentatively at Harry. "You wouldn't…REALLY…convert your old house into a haunted house would you? Or allow people to keep their name off of the list of registered animagus' by paying extra? Or give the House Elves a union? Or allow Goblin's to use wands on Mondays since they don't exist? Or make everyone wear pink on Thursdays? Or make 'Do the Hippogriff' by the Weird Sisters Magical Britain's national anthem? Or regularly import llamas and releasing them in random places? Or-"
"Dear God, how many of those do you have?" Hermione asked, horrorstruck.
Neville shrugged. "Remember, I was in there for awhile."
Harry sighed. "To answer your question, Neville: No, no I would not. But I do plan on becoming Minister one day, thanks for the idea."
With that, Neville promptly fainted.
Harry rolled his eyes. "He is SO faking." He nudged the boy with his foot. "Probably."
"You're an asshole, you know that?" Hiei said. Kurama laughed hollowly. Without prompt he explained the little task Koenma had given them. Hiei remained silent for a minute. "I see, you want me to track him down."
"No, I want you to track someone else." Kurama said. Hiei raised an eyebrow.
"You have a plan."
"It's not much of a plan." the yoko admitted.
"At least someone around here does! This conspiracy shit is really pissing me off!"
(this story is on adultfanfiction.net so you have to be 18 if you wish to read it.)
"Yeah, sure whatever you say Hiei." Yusuke countered with a wave of his hand. "That's why you argue with him so often. But getting back on topic-- So Kuwabara does have telepathy and can use it on the average. I learned from Genkai that psychics are trained early on not to use telepathy on day to day basis. Has something to do with keeping them grounded in the physical world somehow."
"You were doing so good until then." Kurama softly said as Hiei jumped off into the dark. "It because if young psychics rely to much on telepathy, they risk loosing the skills to communicate vocally. Not loosing their voice per say, but forget the 'rules' that govern spoken communication. That is why psychic children often learn to talk later than children without psychic powers."
Still frowning, Yusuke glanced up from the battle. "You know, couldn't you just say they would have lost their manners?"
Blinking, Kurama replied, "But I did say that."
(don't know what chapter this is from but it's from the same story as the last quote.)
'So the game begins anew.' Kurama thought to himself with a chuckle. The two sat in the park in a comfortable silence for a time, watching a group of children play in the distance. "This game of curiosity and patience is one game we could only play with each other., seeing how Hiei hats games, preferring to be 'up front'. While Yusuke ..."
"Tchee, Urameshi's worse," snorted Kuwabara. ""not only does Urameshi have no patience, that baka doesn't know what a clue is if it jumped out at him yelling that it's name is Clue." Kuwabara laughed, remembering some gifts that he had bought for the then-still-active Spirit Detective.
"Now Kuwabara-kun," Kurama chided his friend. "Be fair, Yusuke's not that bad. And speaking of clues..."
"You want a clue? For which one, A or B? You're giving Urameshi too much credit, Kurama. Remember last Christmas, I gave him several movies, a badge and a book. Hell, Hiei and Botan, who don't actually live in this society ,even got the hint, but not that blockhead."
Both laughed at the memory of Yusuke opening a box of movies, ranging from Pink Panther to Inspector Gadget to Dudley Do Right to the Keystone Cops. At Urameshi's puzzled expression, Kuwabara handed him a second gift which turned out to be a book titled 'The Beginner's Detective Handbook'. The third gift was a badge that read 'Hired Muscle'.
"Very well, I concede on that point. Did you know that Yusuke asked me three times what those gifts were about?" Kurama smiled at the memories of Yusuke demanding to know why the others found the gifts so funny. "The first time I asked him if he watched the movies for there's a common theme to them. The second time Hiei was there and said 'Go read that book, Detective'."
The mental image of Hiei telling off Yusuke made Kuwabara bark our a short laugh. "Let me guess, Hiei put some emphasis on the title detective."
"Yes, and your snarl is a very good impersonation of Hiei's contempt.
"Sorry that I'm a little late; I went to the conference room from yesterday only to find it a little more… Scorched than I remembered," he tapered off, wondering why everyone was staring so intently in his direction. He stepped to the left and then to the right, gauging how the eyes followed him around the room.
Canada looked over to his brother, who was staring just as intently as he pouted and twirled his pencil over fingers.
"Al, why are you being so quiet?"
America's face lit up and he clapped his hands in excitement.
"That's right! I don't hafta' be quiet any more! Ha ha!"
Canada took his chair and scooted it a little further from America as he cackled gleefully. England held his head and let out a choked sob while France rubbed his back in a rare sign of sympathy.
As easy as that, chaos was restored. The nations began tossing objects back and forth, yelling at the top of their lungs, and tripping over each other again.
At least until Prussia swaggered into the room with his hands in his pockets and a smirk on his face. He waved at Canada; who saluted back, and turned to make his way towards his assigned spot.
The noise level remained the same but each country turned to him with a measured and calculating glare. He pulled his hands out of his pockets and glowered before raising said hands in the universal sign of claws.
"Rawr," he whispered, posturing. "It's on, bitches."
"Is it possible to just …'pull out'?" Kakashi pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Pull out?" was the question heard all around the room.
"What does that mean?"
"Who wrote that question?"
"Neji, you're smart, right?" Lee turned to the byakugan. "What does 'pull out' mean?" Neji was silent for a minute as he absorbed the question. He obviously had not been paying attention before.
"When two people are having…sex, the male's sperm are ejaculated into the female shortly after the penis is inserted. The popular term for this is 'cum'." Neji didn't look very comfortable with everyone staring at him the way they were.
"But what does 'pull out' mean?" Ino yelled from across the room. Shikamaru turned to her.
"What do you have to put in to pull out!"
Silence is golden.
SNAPE: So there were two wands, a rubber mouse, a fuzzy bear slipper, a dragon figurine, a chimpanzee, and a howler monkey?
HERMIONE: Yes, Professor, and they were running through the motions of the play at approximately one a.m. last night.
SIRIUS: And Harry was asleep during all of this?
DRACO: Yes. Frankly, I'm fairly certain that he could have slept through a stampede of hippogriffs.
REMUS: That sounds like something Lily would have done... How tired were you this morning? (said to Harry)
HARRY: I only came to breakfast because Draco promised there would be monkeys with clogs on.
SNAPE: I think Remus was hoping for something more quantifiable, Harry.
SNAPE: Something which would provide a more accurate estimate as to your state of health.
DRACO: Allow me to translate, professor. (to Harry) If you were a grapefruit, am I wearing a raincoat?
HARRY: Oh. I'm really, really sleepy...I liked watching the monkeys...
DUMBLEDORE: Well, I think it would be best if we let Harry get some rest then. I don't think any punishment will be necessary. After all, what the gods decide to do is really out of mortal hands, but I would appreciate it if you would talk to them about restraining themselves Harry. –Harry nodded tiredly.- Now, Lemon drops anyone?
Kuwabara was waiting by the steps when Kurama finally got back. He waved Kurama over to where he was standing and handed him a bottle of Tylenol. "Don't even bother going in. They left about twenty minutes ago and Yukina isn't talking."
"What did you do?" Kurama popped open the bottle and quickly swallowed two of the pills.
Kuwabara blushed, looking ashamed. "I kept asking questions so she asked me to leave. But I did manage to learn few things." He pocketed the bottle when Kurama handed it back to him. He could give it back to Yukina when he brought her his apology gift tomorrow.
"They went to London to stay at some high class hotel called the Angelic Halo, they left using a portkey and it has something to do with that strange black dog that was here two years ago."
Kurama blinked. "Kuwabara, give me the Tylenol back. I'm going to need it."
"I think I'm changing my religion."
"I think that's a really, really good idea."
5. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
7. Just because your paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
8. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives (or electricity).
9. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children. - Samuel Levenson
10. The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
11. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. - Oscar Wilde
12. With friends like these, I hope my enemies have a spare bedroom.
13. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
14. I like work. It fascinates me. I could sit and stare at it forever.
15. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
16. It's tourist season, so why can't I shoot them?
17. Warning: Trespassers will be shot. Warning: Survivors will be shot again.
18. That which doesn't kill you...will probably try again.
19. This is not something to be tossed away lightly. It should be thrown, with great force.
20. When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them on the head.
21. I'm a nobody. Nobody's perfect. Therefore, that makes me perfect.
22. I get plenty of exercise: jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
23. EXCUSE ME!! I have PMS and a gun...You were saying?
24. Like Daddy always said: If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit!
26. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
27. Don't play stupid with me...I'm better at it.
29. Keep smiling. It makes people wonder what you're up to. - Fuji Shusuke, Prince of Tennis
30. I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I'm on my last one.
31. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
34. I don't fight with idiots; they bring me to their level then beat me with experience.
35. What!! Is it so wrong to be attracted to the guys who want to destroy mankind?!
36. Knowledge is power, power corrupts, study hard, be evil.
38. Everyone has the right to be stupid. Some people just abuse the privilege.
40. I'm better than normal, I'm abnormal.
41. There's a fine line between genius and insanity, I think you crossed the line a few miles back.
42. Roses are red, violets are black, please go to hell, and never come back.
43. You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You fall out of a window...I laugh.
45. I'd explain it to you, but you're brains would explode.
46. I can only please one person a day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
47. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
48. My reality check bounced.
49. I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. - Winston Churchill.
50. Heaven won't take me, and Hell's afraid I'll take over.
51. The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
53. I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.
68. "I never forgave anyone for anything. A character flaw to be sure, but hell, everyone's got to have one."
69. "Killing I understand. Relationships confuse me."
72. "Once you get me angry I usually stay there. I enjoy my anger, it's the only hobby I have."
74. Either find a way or make one.
75. The most dangerous enemy is that which no one fears. - Angels & Demons
76. Good instincts usually tell you what to do long before your head has figured it out. - Michael Burke
77. The only good is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance. - Socrates
78. Executing a plan takes one part patience, one part strategy, and two parts dumb luck. - Unknown
79. Now don't you stand for that! If somebody tries to kill you, you try and kill 'em right back! - Firefly
80. Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them? - Abraham Lincoln
81. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something - Unknown
82. This is the crack team that foils my every plot?! I am deeply ashamed. - Spike, BtVS
83. When someone tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football...or slam a revolving door. - Anonymous
84. Normal is just a setting on your dryer.
85. Don't laugh in the face of death. It won't appreciate my sense of humor.
88. "Your halo's falling down." - fanfic unknown, Uzumaki Naruto to Hyuuga Neiji
91. He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
97. Rule #9: When faced with the unknown, go with your instincts. Xander: "You don't know how to kill this thing?" Buffy: "I thought I might try violence." Xander: "Solid call."
98. It's impossible to make any plan foolproof because fools are so ingenious. - one of Murphy's many laws.
100. Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver - and a lot more accessible.
101. I'm out of bed and dressed! What more do you want?
102. I'm out of my mind. Please leave a message.
103. People say I've lost my mind. I haven't - I saved it on a back-up disk!...Somewhere.
106. Admit nothing, deny everything, demand proof - then blame a Private.
107. My doctor says I have a malformed public duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes. - Douglas Adams
108. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long someone stands there picking locks, they are always locking three. - Elayne Boosler
109. The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.
115. Better to be judged by twelve, then carried by six. - Murphy's Law, mp
116. Don't stand, if you can sit - don't sit, if you can lay down - if you can lay down, you might as well take a nap. - Murphy's Law, mp
117. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They punch, kick and choke harder too. - Murphy's Cops Laws
118. Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen). - Cops Laws
119. Dogs do not see the badge as a person of authority, they see lunch. - Murphy's Cops Laws
120. Never go to bed with anyone crazier then you. - Murphy's War Laws
121. Incoming fire has the right of way. - War Laws (applicable also to Hiruma)
122. When you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in the combat zone. - War Laws
123. Military Intelligence is a contradiction. - War Laws
124. Weather ain't neutral. - War Laws
125. Mines are an equal opportunity weapon. - War Laws
126. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence. - War Laws
127. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything. - War Laws
128. Forgive your enemies but never, never forget their names.
132. Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
133. If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
134. In theory, everything works.
136. Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?
139. If a mute child swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
141. If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it.
142. The problem with reality is a lack of background music.
143. I am a peaceful person that is filled with violent rage.
144. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
149. If all the world's a stage, then I want to open the trap door.
150. Keep your friends close, keep your enemies tied up with fishing wire in your basement.
151. If at first you don't succeed - cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie!
152. Consciousness - that annoying time between naps.
153. Smile - it confuses people.
154. Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
155. Men: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing.
156. "The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins." - Oliver Wendell Holmes (1841-1935)
157. Life's a bitch, if it were easy it'd be a slut.
158. I reject your reality and substitute my own. -Adam Savage
159. "If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination."
160. "A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station... "
161. "Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up."
162. "Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway"
163. "It takes 46 muscles to frown, but it only takes four to flip 'em the bird."
170. "The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. - Albert Einstein"
180. "Fuji-senpai, even robbers have something called survival instincts. You could walk covered in money through the park at midnight and still be safer than a babe in its crib." the younger boy scoffed. "That's not very nice, kitten." "But very true, good night, senpai." - Fuji and Ryoma - Enigmatic Prey
181. "A conscience does not prevent sin, it only prevents you from enjoying it."
183. "Don't upset me. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies."
184. "God must love stupid people, he made so many."
185. " Everyone is ignorant, only on different subjects"
186. "Never explain yourself. Your friends don't need it and your enemies won't believe it."
188. "God gave them a penis and a brain but not enough blood to use both at the same time..."
189. "Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals."
190. "Who cannot understand your silence, cannot understand your words."
192. "It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt."
196. 'There is nothing as irrational, dangerous and illogical as an Uchiha in denial'.
198. He resolved to blow something up again soon- it seemed to be therapeutic. - Bakura, from Akuryou
200. "Potter Luck remember? Harry gets into a life or death situation and something just happens to occur in the nick of time to save him. Addendum to Potter's Luck: There is no such thing as serendipity. All good or seemingly trivial things come back and bite Potters in the arse. Hard."Addendum Two: There is no such thing as coincidence." - Harry Potter, forgot which fic
201. "Can you switch gears, or are you stuck on stupid?" (Unknown)
202. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." (Oscar Wilde)
203. No wonder the Pharaoh hated him so much. Bakura had to be the only person on the planet who screwed everyone over and came out on top more often than the Pharaoh himself…unless it was against the Pharaoh, that is. - Malik on Bakura, Sniping Cobra
204. And Salazar, though sneaky and sly, never lied. He was a man of his word…it just took time to learn how to understand his word that was the problem. The twisting of the few words he did speak normally left many thinking he was a slimy liar but if told such he could easily prove every time that he never lied.
206. Silence decided that it wanted its throne back.
207. “A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.” –Herm Albright
209. “And this ladies and gentlemen is why one must never call an Akimichi fat,” Naruto tells the remaining Genin from their observation room.
“For thou art tiny and go squish when stepped on,” Kiba adds with chuckle when he notices Ten-Ten’s bug-eyed expression. - Master of Puppets, Naruto fanfic
210. Ichigo stared, before rolling his eyes and kicking the hell out of the sissies trying to get at Grimmjow from behind. He couldn’t blame them, really. Facing Grimmjow head on was like telling the whole world you had a suicide note and a will ready for all to see. He had incredible strength and a disposition willing to show it off – luckily he beat the need to kill out of the man a few years back. - Bonds, by Impervious Marr
213. Mental anxiety, mental breakdown, menstrual cramps, menopause, did you realize how all our problems begin with MEN!
215. Uchiha pride was susceptible to Uzumaki taunts, regardless of age, rank or insanity. - Hidden Behind My White Mask, Naruto fanfic
216. “So the rookie went to question Uzumaki, but when Uzumaki became aware of his presence he bolted.”
Yuugao stopped and turned to the man slightly.
“And how long was the chase?”
“Well Uzuki-dono, it was a rookie…” The man had stopped as well.
“How long was the chase, Rizu?” Yuugao’s voice was still monotone but it adopted an air of authority.
“Approximately thirty-seven minutes, ma’m.” A sharp, crisp answer.
Yuugao turned back and began walking again. The ANBU now know solely as Rizu noted that her gait seemed to hide a little bit of pride.
“What happened during the course of the chase?”
“Uzumaki showed skillful use of evasive tactics and misdirection, and that’s not mentioning his… strange card skills...”
“Elaborate.” Yuugao had an idea of what Naruto’s skill set included, but not details.
“One card he used seemed to make a blinding light, which was rather impressive to quote the pursuing ANBU. “ Yuugao noted that particular bit of info was missing from the villages files. “How exactly did he do that?”
“Seals I would surmise.” The ANBU’s head perked up slightly at that. “Anything else?”
She made a sharp left, and began walking up a set of stairs that seemed to be hidden by the architect between the walls.
“Well, he also utilized cards that made a weird Bunshin no Jutsu. It was easy to by pass though, as they couldn’t go very far away from where the card placed.” That wasn’t new, but the weakness was previously unknown.
“How was Uzumaki apprehended?”
“Well,” The man with the squirrely mask scratched the back of his head. “He sort of… stumbled…”
He let out his nervous laugh once again, “… into his team mates.”
“So they were labeled as accomplices and taken in as well?”
“Yes Yuugao-sama and we then followed Uzumaki-standard-procedure.” After he said the last part he seemed to seize up much in the same way a person would after saying something they shouldn't.
Yuugao came to an abrupt halt.
“There’s an Uzumaki-standard-procedure?”
Nervous laughter for a third time.
“Put him in a civilian cell with the key in plain sight.”
Yuugao turned and leveled an intense stare at him.
“Well… when we do actually get him for a prank or something, we always just do that as a sort of…” The man was shrinking back from stern women.
“Joke.” He nearly whispered it out.
Yuugao immediately shot back, “And you didn’t think of him using Kawarmi?”
“We don’t have anti-Shushin seals there, but there are anti-Kawarmi. Those have been activated since the kid learned it."
The only thing to show the purple-haired women’s displeasure was the slight thinning of the lips. She began walking once again.
“And their possessions were placed outside the cell as the case with most simple civilian detainment, correct?”
She came up to a simple wooden door and swung it open.
“Then why exactly…”
She walked through the doorway and past several one-window, metal cells on one wall. They were enough a civilian that was usually staying one night. The single window in each had sun shining through and led right out into the open city.
Most were empty but the occasional one had a drunk or a hooligan occupying it.
On the other side of the hallway, several long shelves were lined up parallel to the cells. Each person currently held had several items outside their cell, obviously their possessions taken from them.
Yuugao’s voice rose a little
“…did you leave…”
She came to the last cell and made an abrupt turn. Her hair was pushed back by a slight breeze and the sun was rising in front of her.
Yuugao’s voice was as loud as most would ever hear.
“…a budding Seal master with a brush then?”
She indicated to the wall which was currently missing a large portion of itself. A hole had been blow clear through and nearly ventured into the adjacent cell.
“-and where are these so-called possessions?”
She gestured to the section of the shelf in front of cell that was now minus one wall. The man swiveled his head.
Yuugao didn’t need to see behind Rizu’s mask to know he was blushing with embarrassment.
All that lay there was a single key. - Cutting the Deck, Naruto
222. "Me I'm dishonest, and you can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest, honestly, it's the honest ones you have to watch out for because you never know when they're going to do something incredibly stupid." -Captain Jack Sparrow, Pirates Of The Caribbean
223. Stress: A condition caused by repressing the body's desire to strangle the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it.
224. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
225. Insanity is a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
226. "Life with men is like a deck of cards... You need a Heart to love them, a Diamond to marry them, a Club to beat them, and a Spade to bury the bastards." -Unknown
227. When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.
228. If I won't be myself, who will?
229. I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
231. I'm not Crazy. I'm psychotic. There's a difference.
236. There's nothing that can't be fixed with: duct tape, chocolate, or by running it over.
237. My attention span is just short enough to annoy you and ignore you all at the same time.
238. I'm awesome. Agree or die.
239. An essay is an attempt to explain something that could have been said in two sentences
240. Life isn't passing me by. It's trying to run me over.
241. Don't bother me, I'm wasting potential.
242. I Know Violence Isn't The Answer, I Got It Wrong On Purpose
243. Time is short and so's my patience
244. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
245. Whatever is eating you...must be suffering horribly
246. I used to consider you a pain in the neck, now I have a much lower opinion of you.
247. Instead of being born again, why don't you just grow up?
248. Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.
249. Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
250. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer
251. Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
252. Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.
253. Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
254. From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
255. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
257. 'Tell me What's it like living in the perpetual haze of Stupidity?' - Hiei (YYH)
259. 'I ain't different! You just aren't like me!' - Unknown
260. 'What are the three words guaranteed to embarrass men everywhere? 'Hold my purse'.'-Unknown
261. 'Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.'- Lily Tomlin
262. 'If you can't convince them, confuse them.'- Harry S. Truman
263. 'Just when you realize that life's a bitch, it has puppies.'- Adrienne E. Gusoff
264. "If I seem to give a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving the wrong impression."
265. "I'm not antisocial, I just don't like you."
266. "Well, the voices and I took a vote. It's unanimous; you suck."
267. "I hear voices... They said they don't like you."
268. "In man's struggle against the world, bet on the world."
270. 15. Law of Inexhaustability
271. 23. Law of Juvenile Intellectuality
272. Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
276. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
278. "Don't think of it as Voldemort, think of it as a leather upholstered Chihuahua," -Harry, Oswald the Ottoman by lunakatrina
279. "...we've found that while explosives are not the answer to all problems, the number of situations where they can't be used effectively in some fashion is extremely limited.” -Fred, Harry Potter and the Sun Source by Clell65619
280. ...the stewardess had offered them both crayons and colouring books to keep them occupied during the flight. Naruto had refused his, but Sasuke had accepted and had spent the following hour drawing a precisely anatomically correct image of someone with a startling similarity in appearance to the stewardess being disembowelled by a three-year-old wielding a sharpened crayon. Itachi had to credit the boy’s ingenuity, but he hoped that Sasuke would not attempt to repeat such methods – crayons were very unwieldy weapons and so difficult to get clean afterwards. -Mahou no Shinobi by shinigami-lives
282. "The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision."Lynn Lavner
283. "The Wizarding World is like a kitty on crack." -Me
284. "...And where are you going to get these piranhas exactly." -Me in history
286. "We're gonna play the lady." -Me basing something off of freedman desires
287. My Crowbar has a first name and it's B-O-B-B-Y! My Hammer has a first name and it's J-O-B-O-B!