Name: Kyra...No that's not my real name...but that's what you can call me.
Information: Well, there's really not much to say about me. I am on this site because I obviously love to read, and write. Although I have been a member on here for a long time, I haven't posted any of my stories. Why, I have really no idea. I have read a hell of a lot of stories though. A little thing you should know, I don't review stories often, much less every chapter. So, if you get a review from me, well, I won't tell you to feel special, because I am no one special, but you should feel good about your writing, unless it's a bad review. Then again, I am a nice person, and I don't review stories I don't even finish. Actually that's not necessarily true, if I read a story but don't finish, but also think it has potential to be a great story I will review with constructive criticism, letting you know about what you could do to make it easier for reader's to read and enjoy.
Anyway most of the stories I review are stories I finished, because if I finish a story I obviously enjoyed it. Well, what ever, if you get a review, you get a review, if you don't, you don't, but that doesn't mean I didn't like your story. There are times that I just favorite the story and continue on with fulfilling my want to read.
I like reading very long, and descriptive stories. Stories where you feel as if you are actually watching the show instead of reading something someone else wrote. No, that does not mean I won't read anything about vampires or magic or whatever, but that is only as long as it stays somewhat realistic. Well, maybe realistic isn't the right word, basically, stories that are well written and not rushed, with proper grammar, spelling, punctuation, and what not, I'll read. Stories that my subconscious can see as believable. Yeah, that probably doesn't make any kind of sense what so ever, but hey, I'm trying here. Fan-fiction's with enough truth to make a believable lie.
I actually read the story titles, and the summaries, and all that good stuff. If the title is interesting, and the summary is interesting, then I'll take a chance at reading the actual story. However, if I end up going into the story and I find that it's poorly written, even though it still is interesting, I will leave, and I will not review, because chances are I didn't even finish the first paragraph, never mind the whole chapter.
Things I like in stories
-Stories that don't retell canon. I mean really if I wanted to read the cannon I would read the book/manga either that or just watch the flipping movies/episodes. What’s the point of writing a fan-fiction if all you are going to do it retell the cannon but make the main character have a girlfriend/boyfriend that you want them to have. There isn't, so stop it. Be creative! It’s a fan fiction…anything is possible.
-Stories that are well written.
-Stories that have enough reality, or truth, to make a believable lie. You can't just come up with stuff out of the blue, and just make it possible without proper explanation. Yes, in fan-fictions, anything is possible, however, if it doesn't make sense, it just won't work, well at least not with me anyway. You have to make me believe it or I won't buy.
Favorites to Read: Naruto, NCIS, Sherlock Holmes, Scrubs, Supernatural, Harry Potter, and Doctor Who. Also, I enjoy Harry Potter Cross-Overs.
Favorite Naruto Pairings:
NarutoxHarem (with Hinata as main)
Favorite NCIS parings:
Favorite Sherlock Holmes parings:
HolmesxWatson (can be a couple or just brotherly I like 'em both)
Favorite Scrubs paring:
J.DxPerry (can be couple or family like again I like 'em both)
Favorite Supernatural paring:
DeanxSam (can be couple or brotherly, I happen to like reading a story that has Sam being the protective brother)
Favorite Harry Potter Paring:
Dark!HarryxTom R. Jr.
HarryxHermione (Light/Grey/Dark mostly prefer the Dark!Harry stories with this pair, but it doesn't truly matter, much)
HarryxLuna (I find this to be a great combination.)
Favorite Doctor Who paring:
11th DoctorxAmy (yeah, I know that it's never going to happen, that's why I read the fan-fictions for it. I also happen to enjoy the ones where he is more of a parental figure to Amy then a lover, however I like lover more)
AmyxRoryx11th Doctor (yeah, not really for them all being together like lovers but you know, more of a family thing, concerning Amy and Rory, and Amy and Rory are together as lovers.)
Quotes from stories, movies, anime, books, t.v shows, and people I know…
"Sorry, can't chat right now, I'm plotting your demise...you can say anything you want, but by the time I get back... you'll probably be dead. -.-"
"I knew they picked the wrong guy for this job!" Demyx - KH
"We're not retreating; we're advancing in a different direction!"
"I have a desire to be great but I don't have much motivation...A bad combination."
"Nobody controls me. I'm uncontrollable. The only one who can control me is me, and that's just barely possible."
"That makes me very angry. And when Dr. Evil gets angry Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset...people DIE!!"
"Only a foolish fool from the land of fools could think something so foolishly foolish."
"If it rusts, it can never be trusted. If its owner fails to control it, it will cut him. Yes, pride is...Like a blade."
“Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of equivalant exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one and only truth.” Fullmetal Alchemist: Alphonse Elric
“Saw the whole thing, dude. First you were all like 'whoa', and we were like 'whoa', and you were like 'whoa'…” Finding Nemo: Crush
“Welcome to the real world! It sucks- you're gonna love it.” :Friends: Monica
“I reject your reality and substitute my own.” MythBusters: Adam Savage
"The Hokage, an infinitely patient man, wanted to reach out and touch that teacher…hard, with a closed fist."-Fanfiction :Wings on which to Fly by SlashnYaoi :Naruto:
“Yes Dad, Draco Malfoy, a foul mouthed, evil little cockroach who thinks he's God's gift to the world, and calls me Mudblood because I'm a first generation witch, while his family has been marrying their cousins for twenty generations.” Harry gave a muffled snort of amusement at her description, making Hermione smile. -Fanfiction :Harry Potter and the Grim Heratige, by shinobikarasu :Harry Potter:
"I can't believe that little pea-brained idiot found out about wizard's life-debts. Which fool has given him that little bit of information to torment me with? After all the problems his father made he now had to ruin my reputation, my life and my happiness in one." Severus said -Fanfiction :Calling in a Debt, by Cassandra Pierson :Harry Potter:
"He had known. He had known the instant he had done it that it had been a mistake. Severus had offered the boy an olive branch, and like a true Potter, the boy had taken the whole fucking tree." -Fanfiction :Lithium, by Branwen777 :Harry Potter:
“Voldemort ... :realized: that all of his plans, all of his dreams for the wizarding world had been doomed the minute Harry Potter was born. It should have been clear the minute his killing curse bounced back at him. No one survived a killing curse. No matter how much their mother loved them. -Fanfiction :A War At The End Of The World, by a foxxy little read :Harry Potter:
“Harry Potter is dead!” Voldemort hissed. “Your savior is gone!” The sound on Bellatrix’ maniacal laughter stung Snape’s ears.
“I feel I’m compelled to argue that point Tom Riddle.” A confident voice boomed from the entranceway.
“It’s Dumbledore!” George whispered to his brother.
“I’m missing an ear. I can still see, you twit.” -Fanfiction :Go Back, by AEM86 :Harry Potter:
'Can you believe our luck? Of all the trees we could've hit, we had to get one that hits back.' -Book :Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, by JKR Ron Weasley
'I've got a jar of dirt! I've got a jar of dirt! And guess what's inside it? -Movies :Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest Jack Sparrow
'You know, these clothes do not fancy you at all. It should be a dress or nothing. I happen to have no dress in my cabin.' -Movies :Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest Jack Sparrow
Doctor Who Quotes:
"Hello! I'm the Doctor. Basically...run."
"Do you know what this phone is full of? Pictures of you. Every form you've learned to take, right here. Oh, and being uploaded about... now. And the final score is: No TARDIS, No screwdriver, two minutes to spare... WHO DA MAN?! -silence- I'm never saying that again. Fine."
"I know what I need! I need... I need... I need... fish fingers and custard!"
"Amy Pond, there's something you'd better understand about me cause it's important, and one day your life may depend on it: I am definitely a mad man with a box!"
"Will that door hold it?"
"Oh yeah, yeah, course! It's an interdimensional multi-form from outer space, they're all 'terrified' of wood!"
"You're worse than my aunt."
"I'm the Doctor, I'm worse than everybody's aunt."
"That's rubbish. Who's that supposed to be?"
"Me? Is that what I look like?"
"You wanted to come fourteen years ago, what happened?"
"I grew up."
"Don't worry, I'll soon fix that."
"Am I people? Do I even look like people? Trust me. I'm the Doctor."
"You know when grown-ups tell you everything's going to be fine, and you think they're probably lying to make you feel better?"
"Everything's going to be fine."
"Bow ties are cool."
"All of time and space, everything that ever was or ever will be... where do you want to start?"
"Why did you just do that with that bottle?"
"Don't know. I think a lot. It's hard to keep track."
"A lot of bad stuff happened. And I'd love to forget it all. But I don't. Not ever. Because this is what I do. Every time, every day, every second. This: on five, we're bringing down the government."
" Look, three options: One, I let the Star Whale continue, in unendurable agony for hundreds more years; Two, I kill everyone on this ship; Three, I murder a beautiful, innocent creature as painlessly as I can. And then, I... I find a new name, because I won't be The Doctor anymore."
"Nobody talk to me. Nobody HUMAN has anything to say to me today!"
"You are mister grumpy face today."
"River, hug Amy!"
"Because I'm busy."
"The eyes are not the windows of the soul, they are the doors. Beware what may enter them."
"That which holds the image of an Angel becomes itself an Angel."
"A needle in a haystack."
"A needle that looks like hay. A haylike needle of death. A haylike needle of death in a haystack of... statues. No, yours is fine."
"Amy Pond, you are magnificent and I'm sorry."
"It's okay. I understand. You've got to leave me."
"Oh, no, I'm not leaving you, never. I'm sorry about this."
-bites Amy's hand-
"Ah, see, not stone! Now run!"
"You bit me!"
"Yeah, and you're alive."
"I've got a mark! Look at my hand!"
"And you're alive. Did I mention..."
"Blimey, your teeth. Have you got space teeth?"
"Yeah, alive. All I'm saying."
"Oh, big, big mistake. Really huge. Didn't anyone ever tell you? There's one thing you never put in a trap. If you're smart, if you value your continued existence, if you have any plans about seeing tomorrow, there is one thing you never, ever put in a trap."
"And what would that be, sir?"
"The writing - the graffiti - Old High Gallifreyan... the lost language of The Timelords. There were days, there were many days, these words could burn stars, and raise up empires, and topple gods. "
"OK. I've mapped the probability vectors, done a foldback on the temporal isometry, chartered the ship to its destination and... parked us right alongside!"
"Parked us? We haven't landed!"
"Of course we've landed - I just landed her!"
"But...it didn't make the noise."
"You know the... -imitates TARDIS noise-"
"It's not supposed to make that noise - you leave the brakes on!"
"Yeah, well, it's a brilliant noise. I love that noise."
"Have you ever run away from something because you were scared or not ready? Or just...just because you could?"
"Once. A long time ago."
"I kept biting them. They said you weren't real."
"I can run away from anything I want. Time's not the boss of me."
"I have to really want to - to bring them back in front of my eyes. The rest of the time they... they sleep in my mind, and I forget. And so will you. Oh, yes, you will. You'll find there's so much else to think about, to remember. Our lives are different to anybody else's. That's the exciting thing! Because nobody in the universe can do what we're doing. You must get some sleep, and let this poor old man stay awake."
Things I shall not do at Hogwarts
-Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not an extra credit project for Herbology.
-The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
-I will not use Umbridge’s quill to write “I told you I was hardcore”.
-If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw the Dark Mark on their arm.
-House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
-Staring a betting pool on the fate of this years DADA teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept.
-Seamus Finnegan is not “after me Lucky Charms”.
-I will not compel Seamus Finnegan to pursue people asking them for their Lucky Charms.
-I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
-I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or a piranha.
-Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
-I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
-I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
-I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
-Professor Flitwick’s first name is not Yoda.
-I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor
-I am not a professor at all
-It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the result would be.
-First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.
-I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin house mascot.
-I will not say the phrase “Dude, get a life.” to Lord Voldemort.
-I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.
-If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling “It Does DEATH!!!” may be correct but it is not the manner in which one should answer.
-I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.
-There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth house at Hogwarts.
And I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.
-I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I foresaw her death.
-Albus Dumbledore’s proper title is “Headmaster”, not “My Liege”.
-If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
-When being interrogated by a member of the staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce “These are not the droids you are looking for”.
-I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.
-I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts: A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.
-I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order just to see what happens.
-I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.
-I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.
-I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on who will come out alive.
-I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they are real animals.
-I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.
-I will not tell first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic Transfiguration spell.
-Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.
-My name is not “The Dark Lord Happy-Pants” and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.
-I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow Peeps.
-I will never point to Harry’s scar and ask him if his Voldy senses are tingling.
-I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.
-I will not wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT shirt to school.
-I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to “Vegey Tales”.
-“To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is not an appropriate career choice.
-I will not sing We’re Off to See the Wizard when sent to the Headmaster’s office.
-I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group.
-Especially not with kazoos.
-I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet.
-I will not assassinate the current DADA teacher to get it over with.
-I shall not give Professor Snape a bottle of shampoo for Christmas.
-I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.
-The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.
-Calling Lucius Malfoy “Luscious Mouthful” is just plain gross
-I will not greet Professor McGonagall with “What’s new, pussycat?”
-I am not allowed to hit Bludgers at spectators.
-When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout 'To the Bat mobile, Robin!'
-I am not to attempt to stake Professor Snape.
-Thestrals do not resemble the Muggle toys known as 'My Little Pony'.
-I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.
-The Muggle known as George W. Bush is not related to or working for Lord Voldemort in any way, and I am to stop insinuating that he is
-I will not test my potions assignments by spiking Snape’s drink with them, especially not all of them at once
-I will not do the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I will to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.
-Singing 99 Bottles of Potion on the wall nonstop repeatedly will result in a detention.
-I will not sell tickets to get into the Chamber of Secrets, especially not if it’s a one-way ticket
-Astronomy class will not cause me to be abducted by aliens.
-Will not try to recreate the Whomping Willow in herbology class.
-Will not offer to sell Hagrid new creatures, especially not if I actually have them
-Not allowed to prophesy the end of the world more than once.
-Not allowed to use silencing charms on my professors
-Not allowed to use silencing charms on my prefects
-Not allowed to use silencing charms, period
-Professor Umbridge is not the wicked witch of the west, and pouring it over her will not make her melt. Experimenting this will result in a detention
-Mrs. Norris does not like playing with blast-ended skrewts.
-Stealing first-years' clothing and then tossing it into and around the whomping willow is highly frowned upon
-Mad-Eye Moody knows his eye is creepy, he does not need to be told... again.
-Bubotubers are not filled with tasty honey, and it is wrong to tell First Years that they are
-I am not to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy
-I am not allowed to ink my owl's feet, have it walk across a parchment, and sell the result as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it
-I am not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Snape's classroom
-There is no bring a muggle to school day, and I am to stop insisting that there is
-When given a directive by my house prefect, I should not insist that "we don't need no stinking badges."
-I am not authorized to sell incriminating pictures of the faculty to students, nor am I to give them out free of charge
-When someone accuses me of not wearing any drawers, I should ignore them, attempting to prove them wrong is indecent, especially if I can’t.
-Peeves may not countermand any of my professors' or prefects' orders
-I am not allowed to eat chocolate frogs in potions class, even if I brought enough for everyone. Dumping them on Professor Snape’s desk to prove this is unacceptable behavior
-It is wrong to refer to Aragog as "Charlotte".
-I am not allowed to draw a smiley face on my arm and tell everyone it’s the new Dark Mark.
-I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwick’s wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it
-I will not reenact Harry Potter Puppet Pals in the Great Hall, or anywhere else for that matter
-"Defying my will" is not a crime worthy of life in Azkaban, and I should not tell that to the first-years.
-Hogwarts is in the UK, thus the United States Constitution does not apply to any of its students. Therefore, 'Avada Kedavra' does not fall under First Amendment freedom of speech rights
-Asking Professor Snape if a house ever fell on his sister is wrong
-So is asking him where he keeps his flying monkeys and if I could touch them
-I cannot be a Heffalump animagus.
-Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing Glimmer McSparkles.
-Voldemort, after being defeated, did not get served
-It is not appropriate trade first years between houses
-Frankenstein is not required reading for DADA classes
-Neither is Dracula.
-If I even look like I might sing "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves" I will be Obliviated
-Draco Malfoy is not the secret identity of "Ferret Boy".
-Telling Draco Malfoy to "make like a ferret and bounce" is always a bad idea.
-A ferret is not a proper Christmas gift for Draco Malfoy
-Teaching first years to chorus in unison "The amazing bouncing ferret" whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is just wrong, funny, but wrong
-Asking Mad-Eye Moody to turn Malfoy back into a ferret so I could keep him as a pet was not appropriate, either
-Giving Draco a bowl of ferret pellets with his dinner was not an act of kindness, nor was it funny
-I will not play the Darth Vader theme for Professor Snape.
-However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it
-I will not insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical"
-I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play him. Even if he looks good in tap shoes
-The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate
-I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"
-I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.
-Sending love notes to Professor Snape and signing them 'With Love, Draco Malfoy' is not appropriate
-Neither is signing them with: 'I had a great time last night, Argus Filch.'
-Bungee jumping off the astronomy tower is against the rules, even if it isn't written anywhere
-I will not "borrow" a prefects' badge for Peeves
-The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."
-Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in June.
-After the last unfortunate experience, I will not take the Hogwarts house-elves to see "Dumbo" as their Christmas treat. Furthermore, I will remember to put trampolines below the Astronomy Tower in case I momentarily overlook the first part of this resolution.
-I will not stack Professor Trelawny's tarot deck so that the first five cards are The Devil, The Tower, The Hanged Man, Judgment and Death.
-I will not tell Snape he needs to go to his "Happy Place”
-I will not run through the Great Hall shouting, “The Death Eaters are coming! The Death Eaters are coming!” Even if I yell April Fools! afterwards.
-Especially if it isn’t April.
-OMGWTF is not a spell
-I am not allowed to make light saber noises with my wand.
-I am not to refer to the Accio charm as "The Force"
-Professor Flitwick is not Yoda
-I shall not make any jokes about Lupin and his 'time of the month'.
-"I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
-I will not refer to the Weasly Twins as 'bookends'.
-I will not offer to pose nude for Collin Creevey
-I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast
-I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug A Slytherin Day"
-I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways
-Calling Ghostbusters in the hallway is a cruel joke to resident ghosts
-It is not necessary to yell, "BURN!" Whenever Snape takes points away from Gryffindor
-It is completely unnecessary for me to yell "BAM!" every time I apparate
-I will stop referring to showering as "Giving Moaning-Myrtle an eye-full"
-I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways, not even on Halloween
-"Ya'll check this crap out!" is not an appropriate way to announce I'm about to conduct an experimental spell
-I will not poke Hufflepuff's with spoons, nor shall I insist that their colors indicate that they're "covered in bee's"
-I will not go to class skyclad
-I will not lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet together to see if hot gay sex will occur
-I will not start every potion's class by asking Snape if the poition is acceptable as Body Lotion
-I will not call the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher Kenny, even if he is wearnig an orange anorak
-There is no such thing as a were-thylacine
-I will not give Luna Lovegood Coast-To-Coast AM transcripts
-Tricking a school House Elf to strip of it's clothing does not make it mine. Yes, even when I yell out "PWND!"
-I do not weigh the same as a Duck, nor shall I try to act like one
-I do not have an Edward Cullen Patronous
-I will not lick Trevor
-Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labeled, "Firewhiskey"
-I will not tell Sir Cadogan that The Knight's Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel, then have all the students say, 'Ni' from various directions
-I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God
-I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book
-Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.
-I am not to owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.
-I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.
-I will not teach the first-years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End".
-I will not give any girl a one half of a set of two way mirrors as a Christmas present, especially if I don't tell her what it is.
-I will not go to any fundamentalist websites and argue that Voldemort is a direct contradiction of the concept of "intelligent design."
-I will not create a pin-up calendar of the Slytherin girls and call it "Voldie's Angels".
-I will not convince the house elves to unionize.
-There are spoons. I will not destroy, transfigure, disappear or rename the cutlery so that there are no spoons.
-The Head Girl and Head Boy do not perform sexual favors.
-I will stop insisting that witchcraft is just a metaphor for lesbian sex
-Attempting to create real tribbles is expressly forbidden. Especially if it is for extra credit in the Care of Magical Creatures.
-I shall not suggest to Remus Lupin that "you and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals" and that we should "do it like they do on the Discovery Channel."
-Announcing "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match.
-Providing Engorgio charms to students that are... lacking... before the Winter Ball will make your Head of House most displeased.
-"You might be a pureblood if..." jokes will get me in trouble, especially in front of Slytherins.
-I will not use the words "pimp cane" infront of Draco Malfoy
-The condition of Professor Snape's hair has nothing to do with the Muggle movie "There's Something About Mary."
-It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that "once you go Black, you never go back."
-I should not ask Harry Potter if he wants to talk to my "snake".
-I am not Xena: Princess Warrior and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrace to the classroom
-During the anuall June Good vs. Evil battle, I shall not point my wand skywards and yell, "There can only be ONE!!!"
-Before casting spells, I will not hold up my wand and yell, "I got the power!"
-Professor Snape is not the Metatron.
-Making jokes about how Sirius Black got killed by drapery is not funny
-I will not teach the veela the lyrics to "Oops, I Did It Again" even if they ask nicely.
-Lucius Malfoy's cane is not a 'pimp cane' and I should stop asking if I can be his ho.
-Stop asking Hannah Abbot if her milkshake brings boys to the yard.
-Getting my little brother to record his latest thrash masterpiece on a Howler so I can listen to it is a good idea in theory, but not in actuality.
-I do not have a Pikachu Patronus, no matter how kickass that would be.
-I will not refer to house elves as "self-disciplining submissives".
-If a classmate is jingling the change in his pockets, I will not laugh at him for "playing with his Knuts".
-Despite the fact that it takes place in a dungeon, I may not safeword out of Potions class.
-Singing "If I Were a Rich Man" around the Weasleys is rude.
-I may not sell Umbridge's quill to emo students, especially if they're no good at poetry.
-Changing my name to Mary-Sue does not guarantee me hook-up rights with anyone I please.
-Kingsley Shacklebolt is allowed to hurt me if I refer to him as 'my n*a'.
-Just because the black guy dies first in Muggle movies does not mean that will apply to Kingsley.
-I deserved the extra punishment when I sang "Fat Bottomed Girls Make the Rocking World Go Round" to Madame Maxime.
-"Beaters do it with Wood" is not funny, even if the only people who aren't laughing are the Weasley twins and Oliver.
-Under no circumstances am I to attempt to create a Holy Hand Grenade.
-I will not Polyjuice myself and a friend to look like Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, then give each other passionate kisses in public.
-Forming a LGBT support group on campus is permissible. Claiming that it was founded in 1945 by Tom Riddle is not.
-Replying every question that Professor Lupin asks with, "Are you * Sirius?" is not funny, not even the first time.
-Asking Tonks to change to Marilyn Monroe or Jenna Jameson before having sex is just plain cruel and evil.
-I will not tell Ron and Hermione to "Get a room" whenever they start to fight.
-I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".
-Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.
-I am not allowed to ask Hermione and Ginny if they know what a 'menage a trois' is.
-I will not send shampoo to Snape's office, no matter how badly he needs it.
-Naughty jokes regarding "Moaning" Myrtle are only funny the first time.
-Singing "Slytherins are Sexier" in Potion's class will not get me extra points.
-Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I will not use guns against the Death Eaters.
-Screaming "VOLDEMORT!" in crowded hallways is not in good taste.
-Stealing Draco's underwear and selling it on EBay to horny fan girls is not ethical, nor profitable (note to self: Steal Potter's underwear instead).
-I will not refer to Ron Weasley as "that red-headed twit" in polite company (impolite company is just fine).
-Making Harry Potter action figures without his permission is wrong. Making Draco Malfoy pay double for them is also wrong.
-I will not tell Grawp that "Hermy" will give him a kiss if he eats certain members of the faculty.
-"Potter 4, Voldemort 0", is not a valid T-shirt slogan
-Writing sexy love letters to Professor Dumbledore, signed by "Your Kitten", is not a ethical means to skip Transfiguration class (though it is effective).
-I will not address the Professor with a loud "Heil Umbridge!" and accompanying salute.
-Having Colin and Dennis Creevy follow Harry Potter all day is cruel and unusual punishment.
-I will not sell pennies as priceless, Muggle collector coins.
-I will not spread rumors about Draco's deviant sexuality.
-Asking Professor Snape to show you how to make a love potion is not recommended.
-I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "my little pony."
-Madam Pomfrey does not dispense condoms.
-Do not ask Professor Sinistra to show you "Uranus".
-A good way to piss Hermione off: Write "Hermione Granger was here" on multiple library books, thereby banning her from the library.
-Dobby, even though he apparently went to grammer school with him, is NOT Yoda in disguise.
-Telling the first years about the time your friend got eaten by the giant squid is NOT appropriate. Ever.
-No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
-Sir Cadogan is not one of the knights who say "NI".
-I will stop charming Professor Snape's robes to bright purple (or any bright color for that matter).
-Mail order dinosaurs are NOT good birthday presents for Hagrid.
-No matter how much of a discount you get on them.
-"Quidditch Players Do It in the Air" broom stickers are not allowed.
-Shaving Mrs. Norris is not a public service.
-Asking Professor Flitwick if there is a charm to remove clothes, or give you x-ray vision, is not permitted.
-Asking Professor Flitwick where Snow White is not permitted.
-I will not add the words “according to the prophecy” at the end of every sentence I say in Divination.
-Asking if wands are an “elegant weapon for a more civilized age” is not permitted
-Yelling “To infinity and beyond!” is only funny the first time I ride a broom.
-Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I will not start singing anything from Phantom of the Opera
-No matter how creepy and abandoned some of the towers are, Johnny Depp with scissors for hands is not lurking in any of them and I will not go looking for him.
-I am not allowed to go into the Chamber of Secrets, install an organ, wear half a mask and sing Andrew Lloyd Webber
-First years are not toys, and I will not teach the giant squid to fetch with them.
-The giant squid is not the Kraken, and Davy Jones and Jack Sparrow are not fighting over a chest on the royal yard of Durmstrang’s ship.
-Refering to the Maurader's Map as porn is never a good idea
-Voldemort does not “just need a nice big hug,” and I need to stop insisting this.
-He is also not evil because he is sex deprived.
-Replying to everything with “That’s what your mom said” is only funny if you are saying it to Sirius Black.
-Teaching first years the intricacies of swearing is not in good taste.
-Voldemort does not watch Opera
-Nor does he need to visit with Dr. Phil
-Dumbledore does not have 'nakie time'
-Comparing Hagrid to Chewbacca, while it may be humorous, can cause hurt feelings and therefore is not allowed.
-Under no circumstances is climbing the Whomping Willow allowed
-Moody is not a pirate
-I am not allowed to freeze over the Black Lake and set loose penguins on the grounds
-I am not allowed to start a psychology class for Draco, Ron or Harry.
-Nor am I allowed to say that Harry’s hatred toward Draco has anything to do with masked sexual tension. (What? He’s way way too girly to be straight.)
-I am not allowed to sacrifice first years upon the alter of Draco Malfoy.
-Nor am I allowed to make an alter for said Malfoy.
-I am not allowed to say that Peter Pettigrew owes Narsicssa child support. Again.
-Not allowed to ask why Neville's eyes are always dilated whenever he picks up Trevor.
-Professor Snape does not respond fondly too “Sev”, ”Debbie”, or Jesus.
-Even if you did just call him God.
-Not allowed to tell first years that Professor Sprout is actually the Jolly Green Giant.
-Especially if they do not know what the Jolly Green Giant is.
-Not allowed to sell my Muggle possessions to firsties.
-Especially not for outrageous prices.
-Whenever someone falls asleep in class I am not allowed to take advantage of that fact and steal their money.
-Even if they piss me off.
-Speaking of Collin, I am not allowed to steal his camera and hide it in the Chamber of Secrets.
-Or hang it over the Quidditch pitch.
-Speaking of Ron, I am not allowed to tell him that his position of Harry Potter’s best friend has been taken over by Aragog.
-Nor am I allowed to address him as “That one boy that’s * Harry.”
-Especially in front of anyone.
-I am not allowed to express my theory that Remus was * Sirius.
-Speaking of Seamus, I am not allowed to try to catch him with a butterfly net.
-Seamus is not a leprechaun. Not now, not ever.
-Even if he is short enough.
-Not allowed to give tours of Flich’s office. Especially, if I have “decorated” it. With whips and chains.
-Not allowed to refer to Snape as “Princess”.
-Or “My liege.”
-Not allowed to tell firsties that the Giant Squid comes out of the water at night to feast on sleeping children.
-There is no spell that can “Turn me Emo”, and I should probably stop asking.
-Not allowed to dress like old Volders, and walk around scaring firsties.
-No matter how funny it is.
-Not allowed to play “I Hate (Everything about You)” by Three Days Grace, whenever Harry and Draco get into an arugment.
-Dumbledore is not Santa. Not now, not ever.
-Not allowed to tell firsties that George is the boogeyman.
-Not allowed to run around screaming “Troll!” during an awkward silence.
-Not allowed to exorcise the Ghosts.
-No one cares if the robes make my a* look big. So I should probably stop asking if it does.
-Not allowed to set Lee’s tarantula on Ron.
-I am not allowed to steal Harry’s Invisibility Cloak.
-Nor turn it into an Invisibility Thong.
-Firsties are not up for adoption. And selling them is cruel.
-Spanking is not a punishment. Nor should I say it is.
-No matter who enjoyed it.
-The proper way to address my teachers is “Professor”. Not, “Your Highness”.
-Calling them “Daddy” or “Mommy” is just wrong.
-Not allowed to ask Crabbe what he and Draco really do in the Common room.
-Not allowed to “redecorate” the Gryffindor common room with emerald tapestry.
-Not allowed to change the Slytherin house colors to “Hunter’s Orange”
-Not allowed to dye my robes, “Hunter’s Orange”
-I am not the professor for the class “Defense against the Firsties”
-The proper uniform is not my birthday suit.
-And I probably shouldn’t tell firsties this either.
-Not allowed to send holiday greetings to the school under the name, “Voldemort”.
-I am not allowed to bring squirrels, ferrets, or any other type of weasel.
-Draco is not known as “Ferret boy.”
-Telling firsties this is not amusing.
-I should probably stop confussing Dumbledore and Gandalf
-I will not dress up as a Dementor and use a dustbuster on Harry's lips to get him to do what I want
-Any reseblence between Nazgul and Dementors is completely coencidal
-I am not allowed to make a Hogwarts Fight Club.
-I will not convince Muggle-born first years that Pokemon are real and are running wild on the grounds.
-I will not paint the house elves blue and call them Smurfs
-Not allowed to impersonate Slytherins to get into their Common Room.
-Not allowed to make a sign that says, “COME TO THE DARK SIDE, WE HAVE COOKIES!” and post it in the Common Room.
-I am not a pimp and should not claim otherwise.
-I will not say Hermione is my hoe and pimp her out.
-Not allowed to accuse Lucius Malfoy of being a pimp.
-Not allowed to make an Evil Overlord list and send it to Voldemort.
-Not allowed to buy pimp canes, whips, chains or hand cuffs and give them to Hermione for Christmas or her birthday.
-Not allowed to get drunk and appear at the front gates, wearing Slytherin robes.
-Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.
-I will not draw an H on Percy Weasley's forehead.
-Filch does not have a sister named Medusa.
-I will refain from wearing black leather gloves at all times and saying "Hogwarts is mother, Hogwarts is father".
-Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions indgredients, and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheremones."
-I will not refer to the Slytherin dorms as "The Tremere Chantry".
-The Malfoys are not Draka.
-Hogwarts does not have a student council.Even if it did, they would not wear the rose seal.Therefore I will cease going after the prefects with a sword.
-Richard Upton Pickman did not paint The Fat Lady.
-I will not refer to Umbridge as Queen of the Toads, even if she really is.
-I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter's prized firebolt.
-The Giant Squid has never made an appearance in any hentai film.
-I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.
-I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.
-It was not an honest mistake.
-I will not swap Draco's broom with one out of Filch's broom cupboard.
-I am no longer allowed in the student laundry.
-Or the teacher laundry.
-Nor am I allowed to ever cast an Invisibility charm again.
-While wand safety is an important issue, I am not long allowed distribute any pamphlet which makes reference to Belinda the Buttless.
-No matter what Professor Umbridge may tell me to the contrary, I am not authorized to form press gangs.
-Chemistry and Potions don't mix.
-Umbridge is not married to Count Olaf
-I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.
-"Liften Separatis crotchum" is not a real spell.
-I will not clain Chick Tracts are an accurate presentation of Muggle life.
-I am not a sloth Animagus.
-The Ravenclaws are not "Mentats in training".
-There is no such thing as an invisibility Thong.
-Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as "Admiral Naismith".
-42 is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.s.
-"The Impossible Quiz" is not appropriate test prep material
1) There are real monsters in the world. But they aren’t always the people who hurt others. There are monsters who watch when people are being hurt and do nothing. Because they are scared, because they think it’s funny, or sometimes they just don’t care enough about the person to actually help. And guess what? It’s the easiest thing in the world to become a monster.
2) If someone hurts you in anyway, don’t let them get away with it. And don’t fucking hold it in and put on a brave face. If you feel angry then let that person know it! If it really hurts you don’t laugh it off, who are they to push you around? You don’t deserve that kind of treatment. Don't be afraid to want more, and don't ever think that you’re not worth respect, friendship or love
3) Don’t be afraid to reach out to people, it’s scary as hell but worth it. Don’t spend so much time in your head that you forget there could be someone out there for you. Speak up, words are powerful but they’re worthless if you choice not to use them.
In Remembrance to Severus Snape,
A Slytherin who died like a Gryffindor, for his Lily may he have been forgiven in the end,
In Remembrance to Fred Weasley,
Who fought bravely to the very end,
And whose jokes will forever brighten his other half,
And will loyally await his soul mate and brother,
With many jokes, He's got forever to think of them, right?
In Remembrance to Dobby,
Who was more free and full of love,
Than any elf, and most humans; a truely free elf may he rest in peace!
In Remembrance to Remus J. Lupin,
The last real Marauder,
Who was not just a wonderful father,
An incredible husband and a brave hero,
But an awesome warewolf too,
In Remembrance to Nymphadora Tonks,
Who died for the greater good, leaving behind the second mauraders son, and would probably hex me for calling her Nymphadora…
In Remembrance to Alastair 'Mad Eye' Moody,
Who's motto 'Constance Vigilance' kept him alive,
In Remembrance to Tom Marvolo Riddle, A.K.A Voldemort,
Who was pretty cool and cute when he was younger,
But who got his ass kicked thoroughly in the end,
In Remembrance to Bellatrix Lestrange,
Because it was awesome how Molly Weasley got her with the Avada Kedavra, She deserved everything she got in the end,
In Remembrance to Colin Creevey,
Who we really didn't know too well,
But took a lot of pictures and died fighting in the war,
So he must've done something good...
Besides stalking Harry,
In Remembrance to Hedwig,
Harry's first real friend,
Who lived and died soaring in the night sky.
You're a 90's kid if:
-You can finish this 'ice ice _'
-You remember watching Doug, Ren & Stimpy, Pinky and the Brain, Bobby's World, Felix the cat, The Tick...AAAAAAAH Real Monsters!
-You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"
-You just cant resist finishing this . . . "Iiiiiiin west philidelphia born and raised . . ."
-You remember TGIF, Step by Step, Family Matters, Dinosaurs, and Boy Meets World.
-You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
-You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
-You remember reading "Goosebumps"
-You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.
-You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence…not
-If you remember seeing hot tub bubbles make bubbly sounds before every music video on VH1.
-When everything was settled by rock paper scissors..or bubble gum bubble gum in a dish...eeny meeny miney mo...and even better daddy had a donkey inky binky bonky.
-You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record your FAVORITE song of ALL time.
-"Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?" was both a game and a TV game show.
-Captain Planet. He's a Hero.
-You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green ranger, were meant to be together.
-You remember when Super Nintendos and Sega Genisis became popular.
-You always wanted to send in a tape to America's Funniest Home Videos . . . but never taped anything funny.
-You remember watching Home Alone 1, 2 , and 3 . . . and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"
-You remember watching The Magic School Bus, Wishbone, and Reading Rainbow on PBS.
-You remember when Yo-Yos were cool.
-You remember those Where's Waldo books.
-You remember eating Warheads.
-You remember watching the 1st Batman, Aladdin, Ninja Turtles, and 3 Ninjas movies.
-You remember Ring Pops.
-You remember drinking Surge, and Tang.
-If you remember when every thing was "da BOMB!"
-When they made the new lunchables so that you could make pizza AND tacos.
-You remember boom boxes vs. cd players.
-Making those little paper cootie-catcher things, and then predicting your life with them.
-You played and/or collected "Pogs"
You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet, or Nano and brought it everywhere.
-. . . Furbies
-You haven't always had a computer, and it was cool to have the internet.
-And Windows 95 was the best.
-You watched the original cartoons of Rugrats, Power Rangers, and Ninja Turtles.
-Michael Jordan was a king.
-All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.
-You remember when the new Beanie Babies and Talking Elmo were always sold out.
-You collected those Beanie Babies.
-Lambchop's song never ended.
-The old dollar bills.
-Silver dollars, which were cool to have.
-You remember a time before the WB.
-You collected all the Troll dolls
-If you even know what an original walkman is.
-You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"
-You know the Macarena by heart.
-"Talk to the hand" . . . nough said
-You always said, "Then why don't you marry it?!"
-You remember trying to collect all 150 original pokemon cards but never could and if you did you thought you were all that!
-You remember Highlight's magazine.
-You went to McDonald's to play in the playplace.
-You remember playing on merry go rounds at the playground.
-Before the MySpace frenzy . . .
-Before the Internet & text messaging . . .
-Before Sidekicks & iPods . . .
-Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX . . .
-Before Spongebob . . .
-Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every
-When light up sneakers were cool.
-When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.
-When gas was 0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was The new thing.
-When we recorded stuff on VCRs.
-When gameboy was a brick.
-You did MASH to figure out your future
Before we realized all this would eventually disappear.
Who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!!
25 Reasons Why I Owe My Mother
1. My mother taught me: TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
2. My mother taught me: RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me: TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me: LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me: MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me: FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me: IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me: CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me: WEATHER
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me: HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me: THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me: ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me: RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
19. My mother taught me: ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me: HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My Mother taught me: Genetics
"I swear you're just like your father."
23. My Mother taught me: About My Roots.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My Mother taught me: Wisdom
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about: Justice
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
100 Rules of Anime
The laws of Anime is a growing list of physical, universal, and natural phenomenon that seem to appear in various forms in all sorts of anime. The original intent was an effort to classify these incidents into a list of "laws" that explained how Anime physics are different from our own (real?) world. It is our hope that you find them useful to studying Anime, or at the very least, worth a good chuckle.
#1 - Law of Metaphysical Irregularity- The normal laws of physics do not apply.
#2 - Law of Differential Gravitation- Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborne, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4. Some things have been known to "Float" for a few seconds before plummeting to hit the ground, vehicle, or someone’s cranium.
#3 - Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics- In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.
#4 - Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion- In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.
#5 - Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion- The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves, Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.
#6 - Law of Temporal Variability- Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something "cool" or "impressive". Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.
#7 - First Law of Temporal Mortality- "Good Guys" and "Bad Guys" both die in one of two ways - either so quick they don’t even see it coming, OR it’s a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human
existence or why the toast always lands butter side down.
NOTE: Sometimes, Anime heroes or villains never really die! In these rare cases they were a clone or cyborg and the real hero/villain’s suspiciously missing in "Malletspace", or something.
#8 - Second Law of Temporal Mortality- It takes some time for bad guys to die... regardless of physical damage. Even when the "Bad Guys" are killed so quickly they don’t even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.
#9 - Law of Dramatic Emphasis- Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white).
#10- Law of Dramatic Multiplicity- Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a "Good Guy" kicks the "Bad Guy" in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.
#11- Law of Inherent Combustibility- Everything explodes. Everything. First Corollary- Anything that explodes bulges first.
Second Corollary- Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities, sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".
#12- Law of Phlogistatic Emission- Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.
#13- Law of Energetic Emission- There is always an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy "bulge") before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law of Inherent Combustibility.
#14- Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude- The destructive potential of any object/organism is inversely proportional to its mass.
First Corollary- Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also known as the A-Ko phenomenon.
#15- Law of Inexhaustibility- No one EVER runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, or unconscious.
#16- Laws of Inverse Accuracy- The accuracy of a "Good Guy" when operating any form of firearm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the "Bad Guys" when operating firearms decreases when the difficulty of the shot
decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect)
Example: A "Good Guy" in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of "Bad Guys" firing on a "Good Guy" standing alone in the middleof an open field will always miss.
First Corollary- The more "Bad Guys" there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage.
Second Corollary- Whenever a "Good Guy" is faced with insurmountable odds, the "Bad Guys" line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape.
Third Corollary- Whenever a "Good Guy" is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a designated "Good Guy Area", usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm, which restricts the "Good Guy" from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvers.
Fourth Corollary- The more times the "Bad Guy" fires, the fewer times he will hit.
#17- Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability- Minimei is a bimbo. (Note: The Minority Opposition in Ohio disagrees and thinks all men who like this stuff needs to get out more.)
#18- Law of Hemoglobin Capacity- the human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.
#19- Law of Demonic Consistency- Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown, but black is not unknown, and can only be hurt by bladed weapons. Also, acid has been known to work just as well...
#20- Law of Militaristic Unreliability- Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a
First Corollary- Whenever a single war machine (mecha, starship, etc.) goes up against an entire army, the army always loses.
#21- Law of Tactical Unreliability- Tactical geniuses aren’t...
#22 -Law of Inconsequential Un-detectability- People never notice the little things... like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.
#23- Law of Juvenile Intellectuality- Children are smarter than adults. And almost twice as annoying.
#24- Law of Americanthromorphism- Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles, either as a really nasty skinny "Bad Guy" or a big stupid "Good Guy". First Corollary- The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line
Second Corollary- The only people who are more stupid than the American translators are the American editors and censors.
Third Corollary- Canadians are usually portrayed as smart, strong, handsome "Good Guys".
#25- Law of Mandibular Proportionality- The size of a person’s mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.
#26- Law of Feline Mutation- Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably: 1) be female. 2) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation. 3) wear as little clothing as possible, if any.
#27- Law of Conservation of Firepower- Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used as a last resort.
#28- Law of Technological User-Benevolence- The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.
#29- Law of Melee Luminescence- Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for "Good Guys" and red for "Bad Guys". This is
attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.
#30- Law of Non-Anthropomorphic Antagonism- All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.
#31- Law of Follicular Chromatic Variability- Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.
#32- Law of Follicular Permanence- Hair in anime is pretty much indestructible, and can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone’s hair is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons!
#34- Law of Probable Attire- Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines: Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off
somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off aforementioned female’s clothes, then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower Scene).
Whenever there is a headwind, Male characters invariably
wear long cloaks that don’t hamper movement and billow out dramatically behind them.
First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability)- All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.
Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability)- Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage.
Third Corollary (Probable Attire permanence)- The clothing on the hero is indestructible. Their capes, robes, (and if they are girls,) skirts, dresses, bows, or any loose clothing will just flap when they are in the middle of a fire or ice attack... Unless it's a hentai. It is believed that the clothes are made out of Anime Character hair. (re. Laws 32 & 48)
#35- Law of Musical Omnipotence- Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument, etc.) Is automatically capable of doing much more "simple"
things, like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so on... especially if they’ve never attempted these things before.
#36- Law of Quintupular Agglutination- Also called "The Five-man Rule", when "Good Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic positions, which are:
1) The Hero/Leader
2) His Girlfriend
3) His Best Friend/Rival
4) A Hulking Brute
5) A Dwarf/Kid
Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include:
1) Extreme Coolness
2) Amazing Intelligence
3) Incredible Irritation
#37- Law of Extra dimensional Capacitance- All anime females have an extra dimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment’s notice. This mysterious dimension is commonly called "Malletspace".
First Corollary (AKA The Hammer Rule)- The most common item stored is a heavy mallet, costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.
#38- Law of Hydrostatic Emission- Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed, embarrassed, or worried, this sweat
gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.
#39- Law of Inverse Attraction- Success at finding suitable mates is inversely proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the less you get and vice-versa.
First Corollary- Unfortunately, this law seems to apply in the real world...
#40- Law of Nasal Sanguination- When sexually aroused, males in Anime don’t get erections, they get nosebleeds. No one’s sure why this is, though... the current theory suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see Law #38 above).
Females don’t get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region.
#41- Law of Xylolaceration- Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal swords, if not sharper.
#42- Law of Juvenile Omnipotence- Always send a boy to do a man’s job. He’ll get it done in half the time and twice the angst.
#43- Law of Triscaquadrodecophobia- There is no Law #43.
#44- Law of Nominative Clamovocation- the likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced (known as the Kamehameha effect).
#45- Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis- Regardless of how long or involved the transformation sequence or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys" witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it.
#46- Law of Flimsy Incognition- Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives.
#47- Law of Mandibular Combustible Emission- All anime characters seem to have some unknown chemical on their breath that reacts VERY violently with extremely hot or spicy food. This chemical may also be responsible for the phenomenon of fire behind the eyes and from the mouth when a character (usually a female) is really angry.
#48- Law of Electrical and Combustible Survivalism- If you get electrocuted or burned, YOU WILL SURVIVE!! Though your entire body will be scorched, seconds later, your skin won’t have a trace of damage (Also known as the "Pikachu Effect").
First Corollary- When a magical bad guy/Alien/monster fires off a flame, wind, or ice attack, the resulting effect is only enough for the hero(es)/heroine(s) to be standing in the "Walking Against the Wind" stance, with his/her eyes shut and letting out a pathetic "Aaaaagh!", and yet they are never harmed. This may be in
part to laws 32, 34 and sometimes 44.
#49- Law of Female wrath- If a male character insults a female character, he will get a mallet, shotgun, or tank blast, or if she is a character that can perform magical feats, a fireball or whatever, to the head, body or whatever (Also known as the "Lina Inverse/Gourry Factor") This is because he always deserves it, and will help him to cope in today’s society.
#50- Law of Artistic Perversion- Most (not all) Anime artists are perverts and are under the impression that girls are willing to tear off their clothes, or wear VERY small, revealing outfits at the drop of a pin (or pen for that matter). Unfortunately, most Hentai fans are under the same impression.
#51- Law of Uninteruptable Nominative Clamovocation- This law is a mixture of Laws 44 and 45. Regardless of how long or involved the Spell or projectile attack is, and the likelihood of success and damage done by the volume at which the full name of
the attack is announced, or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys" witnessing a hero/heroine quoting the incantations for an extremely powerful attack are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it. (Also known as the "Dragon Slave
52- Law of Telepathic Obliviousness- Most of the time, some Anime characters (usually males) will think personal (Like that he/she has sabotaged something), or perverted thoughts, while near some other character, WHO’S TELEPATHIC!! The reasons
for this are:
1) They forgot that the person is telepathic.
2) They just don’t give a damn.
The reasons the telepathic person doesn’t react are:
1) They’re preoccupied with doing something else.
2) They’d rather keep the fact to themselves that they are Telepathic.
3) They just don’t give a damn.
#53- Law of Chromatic Diversity- Air can be any color of the viewable spectrum.
#54- Law of Old Man Comic Relief- Comic relief comes in the form of a short, bald, wise-mouthed dirty old man or alien. Or the combination of any two of those traits. First Corollary- If old man is present, and is acting too horny, stupid, etc., there will invariably be an old woman to whap him over the head with a frying pan or something.
#55- Law of the Wise Old Man- Little old Japanese men always know how it ends and withhold the ending from anyone, especially the hero. This includes special power weapons, ancient relics, and people who know everything.
#56- Law of Omnipotent Unreliability- Any "Bad Guy" with Omnipotent powers/weapons will never use those powers/weapons against the "Good Guy" until it is too late.
First Corollary- All "Bad Guys" suffer from Antagonistic Boasting Syndrome which require all "Bad Guys" to threaten with or exemplify their prowess and not use it against the "Good Guy".
Second Corollary- No "Bad Guy" may use any new, secret, or superior military device without one of the following events occurring:
a) The control device being broken.
b) The control device being taken by the "Good Guy".
c) The control device is in fact not the real device at all and was just "fooled" by the "Good Guy".
d) The "Bad Guy" has already lost and cannot use the device.
#57- Law of Minimum Corneal Volume- Eyeballs may make up no less than one sixth of the face’s total surface area. More so if the case is a blonde woman.
#58- Law of Electrical Charges in Hair- Hair attracts electricity in abundance, resulting in two outcomes:
a) A positive charge will result in the spikes-flying-everywhere-behind-me look.
b) A negative charge will result in the hair-cascading-down-to-the-waist-in-a-single-sheet look.
#59- Law of Ammunition Accuracy- When there are multiple types of ammunition available (paintballs, speaker pods), non-lethal rounds will always be more accurate when compared to "standard" or lethal shots. (Macross Plus for paintballs, Macross 7 for speaker pods)
#60- Law of Active Female Attraction- In a comedy series, a male character’s attractiveness to women is inversely proportional to how active they pursue them. (Tenchi, Ranma, and Makoto OVA have a seemingly endless supply of willing girlfriends despite their lack of romantic skill while Happosai, Ataru, and Carrot couldn’t get a date despite or because of their constant attempts.)
#61- Law of Sweat Pore Variability- When a person is embarrassed, caught in an awkward situation, or otherwise humiliated, all sweat pores on the body contract,
except for ones on the forehead. These pores expand to such a degree that a single drop could fill a Big Gulp from 7-11.
#62- The Law of Inverse Training Time- A person who has been training for 3 years is never as good as someone who has been training for one month.
#63- Law of Needs to Few and Many- The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few... of even the one.
#64- Law of Bad Humor- Whenever someone says something that is intended to be funny, whether actually funny or not, the rest of the characters (even animals) fall to the ground with their feet in the air. Sweat sometimes accompanies the fall. (The sound of a cow mooing usually accompanies the joke as well.)
#65- Law of Extreme Anger- Whenever a female character gets mad, such as seeing the male character with another girl, she becomes extremely strong (despite her usually helpless look) so that she can lift a 1000 ton object to hurt the guy. She can sometimes perform other punishments that are just as cruel such as pinching the guy’s face so hard that it changes shape. (see law #49)
#66- Law of Differentiated Gravitation-
First Corollary- If the airborne entity exceeds an altitude equal or greater than two times the height of the entity, gravity is decreased by an inverse coefficient relative to the upward momentum and mass/weight (if within at least 500 km of any gravity source) of the entity "jumping"
Second Corollary- The amount of Newtonian "opposite force" (in accordance to normal downward velocity; "Earth gravity" speed is equal to 32ft/sec/sec) is also inversely proportional to the "actual" speed of the airborne entity. In all actuality, an entity that appears to be flying towards a solid concrete parking lot from space will actually land, producing an opposite force of approximately 1.73 lb. of pressure. Unless this particular entity is a "Bad Guy". Then the law exhibit’s a mysterious exponentially proportional Newtonian opposite force, thusly increasing this variable by a factor equal to the inverse-gravity potential.
#67- Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases, the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient must be increased by a proportional amount to compensate. In any situation where this does not happen, the "Bad Guy" inevitably comes out on top. However, this usually leads to a further rise in the Ambient Dramatic tension, which will always be offset by
an exponential increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient.
#68- Law of Coercive Vehicular Control- No matter how complex or well defined the control system, a character controlling a vehicle of any sort always does so through means of undetectable subconscious psychokinesis. First Corollary- Characters can perform actions with their vehicles which clearly defy normal physics (see Laws of Metaphysical Irregularity and Constant
Thrust). The velocity, attitude and traction of the vehicle appear to be adjusted at will, with the degree of absolute control being proportional to the complexity and lethality of the maneuver.
Second Corollary- It is effectively impossible to remove characters from or disrupt the passage of their vehicles without the character’s consent. This does not always apply to "Bad Guy" characters, or "Good Guy" characters in situations where
the Ambient Dramatic Tension could increase in accordance with the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension.
#69- Amendment to the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases without a corresponding increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient, not only does the "Bad Guy" usually
come out on top, but also his Smugness Factor increases in proportion to the rise in Ambient Dramatic Tension.
#70- Law of The Rushing Background Effect- Whenever something dramatic occurs, a survival instinct engages, thus rendering all incoming stimulus that is not directly and immediately to the dramatic situation at hand a meaningless blur. This is often referred to as "The Rushing Background Effect". Due to the increase in brain activity and adrenaline levels in the bloodstream, the scene is often played out in slow motion.
#71- Law of Interdimensional Hammers- Whenever a female character witnesses a male character of her preference performing any sort of questionable act (i.e. Looking at another girl or anything she might construe as perverted) she can reach into an
Inter dimensional realm (usually behind her back) and withdraw a huge Anime Mallet of Doom with which to whack the said male over the head with. (see Laws # 37, 49, and 65)
#72- Law of Instant Band-Aids- Whenever a character is injured (usually in a head shot, maybe from a mallet whack) Band-Aids will always instantly appear on the wounded individual (and always in pairs, set in a cross fashion). These bandages
will then, most likely, disappear by the character’s next scene.
#73- Law of Universal Edge Defense- Any projectile attack, from a blast of magic to a hail of bullets, can be easily defended against by holding a suitably cool-looking sword or other bladed weapon between the attacker and defender, usually so that the edge cuts into the incoming attack(s), causing both halves to go flying harmlessly past the defender. Observed most often in fantasy and martial arts anime.
#74- Law of Intractable Sanity- There is no such thing as insanity in anime. When faced with horrifying supernatural forces that would drive most men mad, anime characters will either:
a) Die quickly (but in accordance with all other laws e.g., slowdown and exposition),
b) Get possessed by them, especially if they are beautiful girls or men in a position to ravish beautiful girls, or
c) Kill them, wipe the blood off their blades, and walk on whistling.
#75- Law of Celestial Body Control- At a dramatically correct moment, a hero can summon a sun/moon/halo to appear behind him/her to cause a dramatic silhouette.
#76- Law of Aura of Forgetfulness- Any hero who wishes his/her identity to remain a secret will invariably succeed regardless of disguise because everyone around him/her will forget everything. Otherwise, how does Sailor Moon keep her disguise?
#77- Law of Cool Hair Factor- The hair of a hero will always coalesce into thick strands that drape his face into a dramatic fashion, regardless of wind, the elements, etc. (see Laws 32 & 48)
#78- Law of Inverse Coping- Any single event will happen to the ONE character LEAST capable of dealing with it.
#79- Law of Martial Arts Training Invulnerability- The Myth that certain martial arts will enable you to become so strong, that you can stop a nuclear warhead with your bare palm. Unfortunately, for most otaku, they found the hard way that it just doesn’t work in real life...
#80- Law of Stereotype Captain characteristics- If a captain of any type of ship is male, he will invariably wear a big captain’s cap, a long overcoat, and have a shaggy beard and mustache (pipe optional), and be a great tactician. If the captain is female, however, she will invariably be young, well endowed, and ditzy as a pole (horny father optional). Yet, she too will be a great tactician.
#81- Law of Shades/Coolness Factor- Shades can make you instantly cool, even if you’re normally a klutz.
#82- Law of Hentai Plot- The proper response to any change in the plotline of a Hentai anime is to start having sex.
#83- Law of Understatement- Anything that is deemed too impossible will become possible.
First Corollary- Any "Bad Guy" stating "T-that’s impossible!" whenever the hero is accomplishing some new feat/move/projectile will find out too late that he is wrong and will invariably be toastied.
#84- Law of Dormant Powers- Anytime a hero is somehow outpowered and/or outclassed by the villain, he will invariably release powers/new moves he never knew he could
accomplish... but his old teacher did!
#85- Law of Style Coefficient- In a situation where a Good guy may be in dire straits, he will become stronger, smarter and more cool in a matter of seconds. (see Laws #67, 69, and 84)
#86- Law of Bad Guy Smugness Factor- Whenever the villain actually succeeds in beating the hero, they will begin to gloat uncontrollably, because they’ve never won against the "Good Guy" (because they’re Eeeviiil!!). They usually get so cocky, they
tie the hero to a conveyor belt leading to his doom and leave to get a snack. Usually this results in:
a) The hero escaping.
b) Clean-up for the underlings.
c) The villain getting toastied.
#87- Law of Tableware Nonexistence- There IS no spoon.
#88- Law of Goofy Turn-Ons- In Hentai, ordinary, pedestrian objects sometimes have the magical power of either inducing orgasm or arousal. Some include warm water, rolling on a smooth tabletop, wind, mild electrocution, the character toweling
themselves after a bath/shower, and very cold objects... like bottles of 7-up.
#89- Law of Penile Variance- All Anime men in Hentai have a ridiculously large penis (lengths of 8, 9, 10 and 11 inches are most common). Some even have ones the size of telephone poles, despite the blood loss that would accompany it...
#90-Law of Hentai Female Characteristics- All Hentai women have the following characteristics:
1) Very sensitive and/or very large breasts with large nipples.
2) Very tight and/or sensitive vaginas.
#91- Law of Vaginal Variance- Hentai Anime women can take penis lengths of 8" and up... completely... despite the fact that they might have a tight and/or sensitive vagina.
#92- Law of Hero Identification- All heroes are introduced by way of appearance while someone talking about their (in)famous-ness, or by way of a voice-over of them introducing themselves.
#93- Law of Cute Mascots- Any anime either Shojo or Shonen has GOT to have at least one cute, furry little mascot by penalty of death!
First Corollary- If it is a Shonen Anime, the hero will be accompanied by a Dog, Cat or any kind of animal, real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the male persuasion. Any animal that would be associated with girls that is following
him around is there because:
1) It’s his girlfriend’s.
2) It is following him, despite his insistence not to do so.
3) Chicks will dig him more.
Second Corollary- If it is a Shojo Anime, the heroine will be accompanied by a cat, cute lil’ mouse, or some disgustingly cute monster, or any kind of animal, real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the female persuasion. Any animal that would be associated with guys that is following her around is there because:
1) It’s her boyfriend’s.
2) It is following her, despite her insistence not to do so.
3) It makes her look cool.
#94- Law of The Force- Most Anime heroes are blessed with a unique sort of ability that enables bad things to happen to those that deserve it or makes things like bullets or debris totally miss them (Also referred to as "Dumb Luck"), even though they are mostly unaware of it. Those who have this ability include Vash the
Stampede, Captain Justy Ueki Tylor, and Jar Jar Binks.
#95- Law of Naughty Tentacles- All Anime Tentacles are VERY horny and will rape any human female, regardless of age ("She’s 18! No! Really, she is! I’m not lying!...")
First Corollary- Even when raped or molested by tentacles, Hentai Anime girls eventually get into it & begin squealing in ecstasy. NO one knows WHY this is, but some theorize there may be some kind of chemical that is secreted through the skin of the tentacle...
Second Corollary- Women who are impregnated by a tentacle creature never experience morning sickness, and also find it to be intensely pleasurable (Also known as the Goofy Meter Redline Effect).
Third Corollary- Similarly, the resulting... offspring of tentacle/human relations is immediately sexually active, often impregnating its own mother again.
#96- Law of Cat-Fighting- Two females with a grudge can and will go at each other, sometimes ripping off clothes. Sometimes it escalates so much, that property damage begins to occur.
First Corollary- A running fight can be so destructive, you can follow it from a distance just by watching for the smoke. (Also known as the "A-ko/B-ko Thing")
#97- Law of Healing- Most anime heroes have a Wolverine-like healing factor that enables them to regenerate from a massive wound or broken bone within minutes. Being immortal sometimes helps. (Also known as the "Priss Effect".)
#98- Law of Stereotype Crew Characteristics- All ships, either waterborne or spaceborne, have the following crew members:
1) The captain
2) His Lieutenant
3) Various female technical staff
4) A hotshot pilot
5) A cute little girl/twins (either stowaways or not)
6) The Doctor
7) The Doctor’s assistant (either a spy or not)
Weighted among the crew are various quirks which include:
1) Extreme coolness/luck
2) Amazing Intelligence
3) Incredible irritation
4) Extreme cuteness
5) Irresponsible drunkenness
7) Emotionless (Idiots.)
#99- Law of Sparklies- Whenever a character of the main character’s interest appears, flowers, sparkles, or abstract circles of pastel colors appear around said character, or both. Roses with exaggerated thorns appear when it is dangerous love.
No one knows why this is, though most have a theory: Anime characters are freaks! At least, Marker Apenname seems to think so...
#100- Law of Anime Events- Much like wrestling, anything and everything can happen.
The Procrastinator's Creed:
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No," and shoot him. On second thought, I'll shoot him, then say, "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess/hansome prince, we will be married immediately in a quiet, civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large, red button labeled, "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisers will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of a cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 1:17 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence, "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisers, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her family in the blink of an eye.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mindset.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line, "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, naked mole rat, or whatever sickeningly-cute, little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the alluring rebel and they claim they are attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray their companions if I just let them in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say, "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an adviser says to me, "My liege, he is but one person. What can one person possibly do?" I will reply, "This," and kill the adviser.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says, "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!", I will say, "Oh well," and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However, before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child adviser will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisers ask, "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment Room.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super-weapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisers assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old adviser can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror, "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be, "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the twelve Stones of Power on the sacred altar, then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of, "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I capture the hero's super-weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet.
Sanity is overrated.
I’m not strange, I’m different.
I’m not short, just vertically challenged.
I have lots of talents, I’m just not good at any of them.
Life isn’t passing me by, it’s trying to run me over.
Stress- The condition brought on by overriding the body's desires to kick someone's ass
People used to call me names, but that’s okay, they’re dead now.
Don't piss me off, I’m running out of places to hide bodies.
People fear the strange and unusual. I am the strange and unusual
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tired.
That, my children, is called a wall. But beware, the wall is solid. Yes, be afraid! Be very afraid, for we cannot walk through it! Believe me children, I have attempted this many times before.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems
There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It’s when you argue with yourself and lose when it gets weird
You know it is gonna be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
I've got ADD and magic markers. Oh the fun I will have!
Right now, I'm having Amnesia and Deja Vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
I'm on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call a "Floor". A long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends, for I may not return alive.
I'm not paranoid... Which of my enemies told you this?!
I did what they said and chose the road less traveled... Now where the Hell am I?
Why do adults teach kids that violence isn't the answer, and then have them read about Wars in Schools that solved America's problems?
It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full, just drink it and get it over with.
They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill to many people…unless thy laughed themselves to death.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
B.O.H.I.C.A.: Bend Over Here It Comes Again
F.U.B.A.R. : F#cked up beyond all recognition
H.U.M.A.S.: Head Up My @ss Syndrom
S.N.A.F.U. : Situation Normal All F*cked Up
A.D.O.S.D : Attention Deficit Oh Shiny Disorder
F.O.C.U.S. : F*ck Off Cuz Ur Stupid
D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F. : Do I Look Like I Give A F*ck!
Madness & Sanity are labels given by society...and I am Anti-Social
I am fluent in three languages. English, Sarcasm and Profanity.
There is no such thing as overkill, there is only open fire and reload
There is a fine line between sanity and insanity, and I have white out.
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