Author has written 36 stories for Legend of Zelda, Sly Cooper, Teen Titans, Harvest Moon, Naruto, Kingdom Hearts, Super Smash Brothers, Mario, One Piece, Pokémon, Kim Possible, Scooby Doo, and Beauty and the Beast.
Notice: From here on, it should be acknowledged that all my writing will be postponed indefinitely. I realize that many of you enjoy my works, but currently I am going through a state of great stress, which means that even if I got myself to write, the end product would be worthless. I do beg pardon for any inconvenience this causes. Sincerely, MasterofHearts1313
Gender: Rather effeminate to be completely male, but the doctors say I'm a guy. I am one hundred percent straight, though.
Age: Not too young and not too old, and that's all I'm going to say about that.
Ethnicity: American, physically. Japanese, mentally.
Anyways, I love Love, so you'll find a lot of romance in my stories. I also support any heterosexual pairing, as long as it's sensible. For example, I'm okay with some age difference, but I don't like middle-aged people paired with teenagers. I also have problems with pairings where the characters have never said two words to each other in the series. It can be cute, but difficult to work with. I prefer pairings that have some history. However, predictable pairings don't amuse me very much.
My favorite pairings
Tiny Kong/Funky Kong
Avatar: The Last Airbender
Legend of Zelda
Syrus/Dark Magician Girl
Mad Mod/Madame Rouge
I will probably write more later.
"The use of cameras and video recorders is prohibited in this area." -sign on a bathroom at Worlds of Fun
I will probably add more later.
List your favorite characters and act as if you were in the game (in no particular order). (Got this from ChildAtHeartForever)
#1 Samus Aran
#2 Pokemon Trainer
#3 Falco Lombardi
#7 Princess Ruto
#8 Captain Falcon
#9 Captain Syrup
The ask the following questions-
What would you do if #1 woke you up in the middle of the night?
I'd probably sleep through it until Samus got ticked off and blasted me with her laser.
#3 walks in the bathroom while you're showering?
Tell him to go use the birdbath out in the barkyard. Of course, he'd probably beat me to a pulp for saying that.
#4 announces they're getting married to #9
Um... right. I really wouldn't know what to say about that. I mean, Shantae is pretty naive, so she might not understand the full implications of marriage.
#5 cooks you dinner?
We'd probably end up running to the neighbors' and calling the fire department because Link tried to cook with a bomb.
#6 was laying next to you on a beach sleeping?
Hope to the heavens that she doesn't wake up and find me. The sun would already irritate her enough, let alone someone invading her 'personal bubble'.
#7 confesses they're apart of your family?
I'd probably be wondering where the genetics branched off. I mean, are we talking cousins? Blood? Marriage? I mean, I love Ruto, but I'd still be wondering which of my aunts married a fish.
#8 got into the hospital somehow?
Probably laugh, because there would have to be one heck of a story behind it.
#9 made fun of your friends?
I'd probably stand up to her. Of course, she'd probably end up outsmarting and making me think I was the one who made fun of my friends.
#10 ignores you all the time?
Throw a Bomb-omb at him!
2 serial killers hunt you down, what would #1 do?
Blast their heads off and collect the bounty on them.
It's your birthday, what does #3 get you?
Probably a gun. Yeah... definitely a gun and a stern warning about getting lessons before trying to shoot it.
You're stuck in a house fire, what would #4 do?
Turn into a harpy and fly us the heck out of there.
You're about to do something extremely embarrassing. What does #5 do?
Link would probably be an imp and video tape the whole experience.
You're about to marry #10, what does #1 do.
Samus would probably be raising some serious eyebrows, and I'd be wondering how drunk Waluigi was when he proposed to me.
You're competing in a tournament, how does #9 suppport you?
Captain Syrup would probably tame some psychopathic monster to destroy the competition.
You've just been dumped. How does #7 cheer you up?
Ruto would probably try giving me a hug and a kiss and a big old snuggle.
You can't stop laughing, What will #10 do?
Waluigi would probably cram a Bomb-omb down my throat to get me to shut up.
#1 is all you ever dreamed of...why?
I don't know, but it would probably have to do with why she was trying to wake me up in question #1.
#2 tells you about his love for #9?
I'd give him a very awkward glance. Seriously, Pokemon Trainer/Waluigi? I've heard of bigger crack pairings, but that just ain't right. I'd probably also tell him that Waluigi is a womanizer and would never be caught gay.
You're dating #3 and he/she introduces you to their parents?
First off, why am I dating a bird? Second off, Falco's too serious to be my type. Thirdly, Falco's parents would be wondering whatever happened to Katt Monroe.
Will #5 and #6 ever kiss?
Probably not, but if they did, Ashley would probably be sending Link on a one-way trip to the moon.
#6 happens to be a player, breaking many hearts. What would you do?
Congratulate her on finally getting a social life.
#8 thinks she/he will never find a date. What do you do?
I'd introduce Captain Falcon to a dating hotline. Either that, or help him blow up Solid Snake, so Samus was definitely single.
You get a hair cut and #7 can't stop looking at you?
I'd probably try to avert my gaze as much as possible. When Ruto says she's attracted to someone, she won't give up on them.
#9 is too shy to face you and confess their love for you and sends an email?
Captain Syrup? Shy? She'd probably blast my front door down and shaghai me onto her crew, if she were in love with me.
You see #1 kissing #10, what do you do?
Take pictures and threaten to post them all over the Super Smash Bros official website.
You notice #3 and #4 have been in the hotel room for MORE than a few hours. What are you thinking?
I really wouldn't know. However, you can bet I'd knock on the door. Maybe Falco is ranting about how Fox gets so much more screen time than he does, and Shantae would complain back that she never got a sequal to her game.
Could 1 and 6 be soul mates?
No. No no no no no no no! Ashley would very likely snub someone like Samus, and Samus would die of mortification if anyone found out she was lesbian.
Would #2 trust #5?
I'd guess so. Both of them don't really talk in their games, so they wouldn't be that hard to trust.
#4 is bored and pokes #10. What happens?
Waluigi would most likely try hitting on Shantae. Seriously, the guy needs an official girlfriend.
#1 and #5 go to school together. What classes do they take together?
I don't really know. Cooking? Home Ec? Probably gym, and possibly science.
HOW TO IDENTIFY A MARY-SUE.
I'm tired of people claiming their OCs aren't Mary-Sues, so I decided to write a short guide to knowing how to make sure your OC isn't a sue.
1. Mary-sues are overly beautiful.
Now, by overly beautiful, I mean "her deep deep blue eyes that shined with a thousand stars and that twinkled in the night like flickering candles" or "her hair shimmered like the glow of a thousand seas, rippling in the gentle wind that played with her soft locks"... you know, it gets annoying after a while.
Not trying to point anyone out, but there was one fic that I read where the first chapter literally said "My name, is Sharni, 21 nearly 22 years old. Blonde hair that gos to mid-back. Sparkling ocean blue eyes. And this, is my adventure that is about to begin." Okay, I didn't even bother to do anything after I read that. I almost facepalm'd myself. COME ON MAN! YOU DON'T JUST WRITE THAT! THAT'S 100 PERCENT MARY-SUE MATERIAL RIGHT THERE!
2. Mary-sues have a "tragic" past.
This usually includes parents being murdered, being an orphan, having led a lonely life thus far, and usually losing someone close to you (not including parents; could be friend, brother, etc). When their pasts are brought up, they get sentimental and start bawling or something. And then the character that the OC is paired with is automatically there to comfort them. ALWAYS.
3. Mary-sues are usually the same (personality/job wise) as the person they're paired with.
For example : If you wanted to do an OC with Zoro from One Piece, a typical Mary-Sue would be a swordsman (or swordswoman, whatever), a drunkard, overly beautiful, be annoyed by Zoro because they're too much the same, and somehow the pair will suddenly fall in love out of no where.
4. Mary-sues have extraordinary physical/mental strength.
They're strong. What can I say? Usually they have amazing physical skill that can "rival" whatever character they're paired with. Either they're genii (plural for genius, for those of you that don't know :P) or they've inherited some weird trait that makes them like that... or they're just like that naturally. Like I said, genii.
5. Mary-sues force the canon character they're paired with to act OOC (out of character).
I think this is the most obvious clue. If you read half the Hitsugaya ToushirouxOC pairings out there... I will bet you my INTERNET CONNECTION (and that's saying something, because I can't live without my internet!!) that Hitsugaya acts OOC in at least 10 of the OC fics. At least.
For example: If you paired a girl with Uchiha Sasuke, you can't make Sasuke fall in love and woo her and smother her with showers and kisses... because that's very, very OOC for him. Same with Hitsugaya. Their personality is more leaning towards... "cool and icy". In fact, you'd probably have a hard time not pairing a mary-sue with either of them.
6. Mary-sues are more often than not "siblings" to one of the canon characters.
The same with the one fic that I quoted up there with the sparkling blonde hair and blue eyes. The OC is "Sanji's older sister." Please, don't make me laugh. If you're really going to make an OC, please PLEASE make them unrelated to the Mugiwaras in NO WAY WHATSOEVER! Make the OC some bartender at some random island, or a pirate sailing the Grand Line! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT USE THE "THEY ARE A SIBLING TO X X X"! BECAUSE IT'S OVERUSED AND OVERRATED!
THE KH SURVEY
(Please copy and paste this onto your profile and answer the questions! Spread the KH fever!)
SECTION ONE: The "Favorite" Questions
1. Your favorite KH guy?
2. Your favorite KH girl?
3. Your least favorite KH guy? Why?
Xemnas. The guy can't shut up!
4. Your least favorite KH girl? Why?
Olette. She doesn't supply enough plot.
5. Favorite World? (Includes both KH1 and KH2)
Halloweentown and Agrabah
6. Least Favorite World?
Atlantica. I get confused on where to go.
7. Favorite Weapon? (Includes both KH1 and KH2)
Oblivion and Ultima keyblades. Xigbar's guns.
8. Least Favorite Weapon?
Xemnas's lightsabers. They're so unoriginal.
9. Fav. Summon? (includes both KH1 and KH2)
10. Fav. Form? (aka. Sora's Forms)
11. Favorite Pairing? (includes yaoi coupling) Why?
Marumine, Larxel, RoXion, Demix and Ariel, SoKai, MalRiku
12. Least Fav. Pairing? (includes yaoi couples) Why?
Maleficent and Pete, Luxord and Demyx
13. Any cool crack pairings you've heard of? List 'em.
Jasmine and Axel
14. Weirdest Pairing(s) You've Ever Heard Of?
Namine and Larxene.
15. Any "Kh-pet-peeves" you have?
Demyx's fight. He surfs too much!
16. Fav. Partner in KH? (includes both KH1 and KH2)
Aladdin, maybe Jack Sparrow, but definitely Donald
SECTION TWO: Do you believe it, or not believe it?
17. Do you believe in the Xemnas/Saix theory!
No. Just no!
18. Do you believe that Zexion is emo?
No, maybe an Eeyore, but not emo.
19. Do you believe that Marluxia is gay?
No! He looks too much like a guy. If anything, he has a Lolita Complex for Namine.
20. Do you believe that Kairi is the most annoying character in KH?
Not the most annoying, but could they have given her a girlier keyblade!? Vexen's laugh is the most annoying.
SECTION THREE: Answer Yourself!
21. If Roxas had to choose either Namine or Olette, who would you root for? Why
Namine. Olette missed out on too much.
22. What's your theory on KH: Birth by Sleep?
23. Was Chain of Memories a waste of time?
Of course not, otherwise, you'd be wondering where half of Organization XIII disappeared to.
24. If you had the choice of meeting ONE (and ONLY ONE!) KH character, who would it be?
Namine. She's so sweet and innocent and adorable.
25. Which KH character do you relate to the most? Why?
Axel. It's hard to lose a best friend.
26. What's the most embarrassing moment that ever happened to you that had something to do with KH?
Probably whem I summon Chicken Little. I can't hit anything with that guy.
27. Have you ever cosplayed as a KH character? If so, who? If not, who would you like to cosplay as?
No, but I'd prpbably cosplay as Demyx. He's got cool hair.
28. The Funniest Moment in all of KH would be...?
When you fight giant Ursula in KH1. Could she be more oblivious to my partners attacking her neck>
29. The Hardest Enemy/Boss was...?
Demyx. And Xigbar. Demyx wouldn't stop attacking, and Xigbar was hard to hit.
30. What was a good edition in KH2 that made it oh-so-addictive?
SECTION FOUR: Decisions, Decisions...
Note: You MUST only choose one! "Both" or "Neither" in unacceptable!!
31. Hayner or Pence?
32. Zexion or Marluxia?
33. Riku or Roxas?
34. Roxas or Sora?
35. Axel or Demyx?
36. Kairi or Larxene?
37. AkuRoku or SoRiku?
Um... AkuRoku. I really don't care for yaoi.
38. Namixas or Namiku?
39. Zemyx or AkuRoku?
Zemyx, because people don't have them obsess over sex all the time.
40. SoKai or SoRiku?
SoKai. Finally, something heterosexual!
41. Sea Salt Ice Cream or Paopu Fruit?
Sea Salt Ice Cream. The Papou Fruit looks like it'd have a waxy texture.
42. Cloud or Leon?
43. CloTi of Clerith?
44. Simple and Clean or Passion?
Simple and Clean
SECTION FIVE: The Last Section!!
45. List all the KH character you've fallen for. (This includes Final Fantasy charcter as well)
Me? I didn't fall for anyone.
46. What crossovers would you like to see with KH?
Crossovers? Kingdom Hearts is a giant crossover to begin with.
47. Does anyone in KH look like another character? List 'em all!
Demyx and Roxas. Xehenort and Xemnas.
48. Which new KH game can you abosolutely NOT wait for?
Kingdom Hearts : 358/2 Days
49. Do you like KH1 or KH2 better? Why?
KH2! The Battle Sequences.
50. LAST QUESTION! What makes Kingdom Hearts one of the best games in the world!?
It's fun and childish, but still has great drama to it.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs rpsoet it.
The one who smiles the most is the one who's the most broken.
The one who fights the most is the one who wants to find peace.
The one who encourages others is the one who always feels useless.
The one who seems insane is the one who is just following a life no one else understands, or will ever believe.
Nor do they want to.
Not everything is as it appears. Remember that.
100 Rules of Anime
The laws of Anime is a growing list of physical, universal, and natural
phenomenon that seem to appear in various forms in all sorts of anime. The original
intent was an effort to classify these incidents into a list of "laws" that
explained how Anime physics are different from our own (real?) world. It is our hope
that you find them useful to studying Anime, or at the very least, worth a good
#1 - Law of Metaphysical Irregularity- The normal laws of physics do not apply.
#2 - Law of Differential Gravitation- Whenever someone or something jumps, is
thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborne, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.
Some things have been known to "Float" for a few seconds before plummeting to hit
the ground, vehicle, or someone’s cranium.
#3 - Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics- In space, loud
sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.
#4 - Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion- In space, constant thrust
equals constant velocity.
#5 - Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion- The larger a
mechanical device is, the faster it moves, Armoured Mecha are the fastest objects
known to human science.
#6 - Law of Temporal Variability- Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero
whenever he does something "cool" or "impressive". Time slows down when friends and
lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.
#7 - First Law of Temporal Mortality- "Good Guys" and "Bad Guys" both die in one of
two ways - either so quick they don’t even see it coming, OR it’s a long drawn out
affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human
existence or why the toast always lands butter side down. NOTE: Sometimes, Anime
heroes or villains never really die! In these rare cases they were a clone or cyborg
and the real hero/villain’s suspiciously missing in "Malletspace", or something.
#8 - Second Law of Temporal Mortality- It takes some time for bad guys to die...
regardless of physical damage. Even when the "Bad Guys" are killed so quickly they
don’t even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is
attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.
#9 - Law of Dramatic Emphasis- Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are
depicted with either still frames or black screens with a slash of bright color
(usually red or white).
#10- Law of Dramatic Multiplicity- Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a
"Good Guy" kicks the "Bad Guy" in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3
#11- Law of Inherent Combustibility- Everything explodes. Everything.
First Corollary- Anything that explodes bulges first.
Second Corollary- Large cities are the most explosive substances known to
human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities,
sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".
#12- Law of Phlogistatic Emission- Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.
#13- Law of Energetic Emission- There is always an energy build up (commonly
referred to as an energy "bulge") before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because
of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the
Law of Inherent Combustibility.
#14- Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude- The destructive potential of any
object/organism is inversely proportional to its mass.
First Corollary- Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also
known as the A-Ko phenomenon.
#15- Law of Inexhaustibility- No one EVER runs out of ammunition. That is of
course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.
#16- Laws of Inverse Accuracy- The accuracy of a "Good Guy" when operating any form
of firearm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the
"Bad Guys" when operating firearms decreases when the difficulty of the shot
decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect) Example: A "Good Guy" in a
drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and
several battalions of "Bad Guys" firing on a "Good Guy" standing alone in the middle
of an open field will always miss.
First Corollary- The more "Bad Guys" there are, the less likely they will
hit anyone or do any real damage.
Second Corollary- Whenever a "Good Guy" is faced with insurmountable odds,
the "Bad Guys" line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a
single burst of automatic fire and then escape.
Third Corollary- Whenever a "Good Guy" is actually hit by enemy fire, it is
in a designated "Good Guy Area", usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm,
which restricts the "Good Guy" from doing anything more strenuous than driving,
firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex
martial arts maneuvers.
Fourth Corollary- The more times the "Bad Guy" fires, the fewer times he
#17- Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability- Minimei is a bimbo. (Note: The
Minority Opposition in Ohio disagrees and thinks all men who like this stuff needs
to get out more.)
#18- Law of Hemoglobin Capacity- the human body contains over 12 gallons of blood,
sometimes more, under high pressure.
#19- Law of Demonic Consistency- Demons and other supernatural creatures have at
least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown, but black is not
unknown, and can only be hurt by bladed weapons. Also, acid has been known to work
just as well...
#20- Law of Militaristic Unreliability- Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and
large war machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped
and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a
First Corollary- Whenever a single war machine (mecha, starship, etc.) goes
up against an entire army, the army always loses.
#21- Law of Tactical Unreliability- Tactical geniuses aren’t...
#22 -Law of Inconsequential Undetectability- People never notice the little
things... like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.
#23- Law of Juvenile Intellectuality- Children are smarter than adults. And almost
twice as annoying.
#24- Law of Americanthromorphism- Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles,
either as a really nasty skinny "Bad Guy" or a big stupid "Good Guy".
First Corollary- The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb
Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line
Second Corollary- The only people who are more stupid than the American
translators are the American editors and censors.
Third Corollary- Canadians are usually portrayed as smart, strong, handsome
#25- Law of Mandibular Proportionality- The size of a person’s mouth is directly
proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.
#26- Law of Feline Mutation- Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
1) be female.
2) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation.
3) wear as little clothing as possible, if any.
#27- Law of Conservation of Firepower- Any powerful weapon capable of
destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and
used as a last resort.
#28- Law of Technological User-Benevolence- The formal training required to operate
a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.
#29- Law of Melee Luminescence- Any being displaying extremely high levels of
martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing
aura. This aura is usually blue for "Good Guys" and red for "Bad Guys". This is
attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.
#30- Law of Non-Anthropomorphic Antagonism- All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are
hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.
#31- Law of Follicular Chromatic Variability- Any color in the visible spectrum is
considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or
#32- Law of Follicular Permanence- Hair in anime is pretty much indestructible, and
can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical
abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone’s
hair is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons!
#34- Law of Probable Attire- Clothing in anime follows certain predictable
guidelines: Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of
whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive
amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off
somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off aforementioned female’s clothes,
then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the
Gratuitous Shower Scene). Whenever there is a headwind, Male characters invariably
wear long cloaks that don’t hamper movement and billow out dramatically behind them.
First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability)- All anime characters are resistant to
extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.
Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability)- Bikinis render the wearer
invulnerable to any form of damage.
Third Corollary (Probable Attire permanence)- The clothing on the hero is
indestructible. Their capes, robes, (and if they are girls,) skirts, dresses, bows,
or any loose clothing will just flap when they are in the middle of a fire or ice
attack... Unless it's a hentai. It is believed that the clothes are made out of
Anime Character hair. (re. Laws 32 & 48)
#35- Law of Musical Omnipotence- Any character capable of musical talent (singing,
playing an instrument, etc. Is automatically capable of doing much more "simple"
things, like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so
on... especially if they’ve never attempted these things before.
#36- Law of Quintupular Agglutination- Also called "The Five-man Rule", when "Good
Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic
positions, which are:
1) The Hero/Leader
2) His Girlfriend
3) His Best Friend/Rival
4) A Hulking Brute
5) A Dwarf/Kid
Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include:
1) Extreme Coolness
2) Amazing Intelligence
3) Incredible Irritation
#37- Law of Extradimensional Capacitance- All anime females have an
extrasdimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from
which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment’s notice. This mysterious
dimension is commonly called "Malletspace".
First Corollary (AKA The Hammer Rule)- The most common item stored is a
heavy mallet, costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.
#38- Law of Hydrostatic Emission- Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is
because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released
at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in
the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are
actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is
because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the
back of the head. When extremely stressed , embarrassed, or worried, this sweat
gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.
#39- Law of Inverse Attraction- Success at finding suitable mates is inversely
proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the
less you get and vice-versa.
First Corollary- Unfortunately, this law seems to apply to Otaku in the real
#40- Law of Nasal Sanguination- When sexually aroused, males in Anime don’t get
erections, they get nosebleeds. No one’s sure why this is, though... the current
theory suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see
Law #38 above). Females don’t get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush
along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region.
#41- Law of Xylolaceration- Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal
swords, if not sharper.
#42- Law of Juvenile Omnipotence- Always send a boy to do a man’s job. He’ll get it
done in half the time and twice the angst.
#43- Law of Triscaquadrodecophobia- There is no Law #43.
#44- Law of Nominative Clamovocation- the likelihood of success and damage done by a
martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of
the attack is announced (known as the Kamehameha effect).
#45- Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis- Regardless of how long or involved the
transformation sequence or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys"
witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to
#46- Law of Flimsy Incognition- Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy
mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives.
#47- Law of Mandibular Combustible Emission- All anime characters seem to have some
unknown chemical on their breath that reacts VERY violently with extremely hot or
spicy food. This chemical may also be responsible for the phenomenon of fire behind
the eyes and from the mouth when a character (usually a female) is really angry.
#48- Law of Electrical and Combustible Survivalism- If you get electrocuted or
burned, YOU WILL SURVIVE!! Though your entire body will be scorched, seconds later,
your skin won’t have a trace of damage (Also known as the "Pikachu Effect").
First Corollary- When a magical bad guy/Alien/monster fires off a flame,
wind, or ice attack, the resulting effect is only enough for the hero(es)/heroine(s)
to be standing in the "Walking Against the Wind" stance, with his/her eyes shut and
letting out a pathetic "Aaaaagh!", and yet they are never harmed. This may be in
part to laws 32, 34 and sometimes 44.
#49- Law of Female wrath- If a male character insults a female character, he will
get a mallet, shotgun, or tank blast, or if she is a character that can perform
magical feats, a fireball or whatever, to the head, body or whatever (Also known as
the "Lina Inverse/Gourry Factor") This is because he always deserves it, and will
help him to cope in today’s society. (>Sniff Sniff
#50- Law of Artistic Perversion- Most (not all) Anime artists are perverts and are
under the impression that girls are willing to tear off their clothes, or wear VERY
small, revealing outfits at the drop of a pin (or pen for that matter).
Unfortunately, most Hentai fans are under the same impression.
#51- Law of Uninteruptable Nominative Clamovocation- This law is a mixture of Laws
44 and 45. Regardless of how long or involved the Spell or projectile attack is, and
the likelihood of success and damage done by the volume at which the full name of
the attack is announced, or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys"
witnessing a hero/heroine quoting the incantations for an extremely powerful attack
are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it. (Also known as the "Dragon Slave
52- Law of Telepathic Obliviousness- Most of the time, some Anime characters
(usually males) will think personal (Like that he/she has sabotaged something), or
perverted thoughts, while near some other character, WHO’S TELEPATHIC!! The reasons
for this are:
1) They forgot that the person is telepathic.
2) They just don’t give a damn.
The reasons the telepathic person doesn’t react are:
1) They’re preoccupied with doing something else.
2) They’d rather keep the fact to themselves that they are Telepathic.
3) They just don’t give a damn.
#53- Law of Chromatic Diversity- Air can be any color of the viewable spectrum.
#54- Law of Old Man Comic Relief- Comic relief comes in the form of a short, bald,
wise-mouthed dirty old man or alien. Or the combination of any two of those traits.
First Corollary- If old man is present, and is acting too horny, stupid,
etc., there will invariably be an old woman to whap him over the head with a frying
pan or something.
#55- Law of the Wise Old Man- Little old Japanese men always know how it ends and
withhold the ending from anyone, especially the hero. This includes special power
weapons, ancient relics, and people who know everything.
#56- Law of Omnipotent Unreliability- Any "Bad Guy" with Omnipotent powers/weapons
will never use those powers/weapons against the "Good Guy" until it is too late.
First Corollary- All "Bad Guys" suffer from Antagonistic Boasting Syndrome
which require all "Bad Guys" to threaten with or exemplify their prowess and not use
it against the "Good Guy".
Second Corollary- No "Bad Guy" may use any new, secret, or superior military
device without one of the following events occurring:
a) The control device being broken.
The control device being taken by the "Good Guy".
c) The control device is in fact not the real device at all and was just
"fooled" by the "Good Guy".
d) The "Bad Guy" has already lost and cannot use the device.
#57- Law of Minimum Corneal Volume- Eyeballs may make up no less than one sixth of
the face’s total surface area. More so if the case is a blonde woman.
#58- Law of Electrical Charges in Hair- Hair attracts electricity in abundance,
resulting in two outcomes:
a) A positive charge will result in the spikes-flying-everywhere-behind-me
A negative charge will result in the
#59- Law of Ammunition Accuracy- When there are multiple types of ammunition
available (paintballs, speaker pods), non-lethal rounds will always be more accurate
when compared to "standard" or lethal shots. (Macross Plus for paintballs, Macross 7
for speaker pods)
#60- Law of Active Female Attraction- In a comedy series, a male character’s
attractiveness to women is inversely proportional to how active they pursue them.
(Tenchi, Ranma, and Makoto OVA have a seemingly endless supply of willing
girlfriends despite their lack of romantic skill while Happosai, Ataru, and Carrot
couldn’t get a date despite or because of their constant attempts.)
#61- Law of Sweat Pore Variability- When a person is embarrassed, caught in an
awkward situation, or otherwise humiliated, all sweat pores on the body contract,
except for ones on the forehead. These pores expand to such a degree that a single
drop could fill a Big Gulp from 7-11.
#62- The Law of Inverse Training Time- A person who has been training for 3 years
is never as good as someone who has been training for one month.
#63- Law of Needs to Few and Many- The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the
few... of even the one.
#64- Law of Bad Humor- Whenever someone says something that is intended to be
funny, whether actually funny or not, the rest of the characters (even animals) fall
to the ground with their feet in the air. Sweat sometimes accompanies the fall.
(The sound of a cow mooing usually accompanies the joke as well.)
#65- Law of Extreme Anger- Whenever a female character gets mad, such as seeing the
male character with another girl, she becomes extremely strong (despite her usually
helpless look) so that she can lift a 1000 ton object to hurt the guy. She can
sometimes perform other punishments that are just as cruel such as pinching the
guy’s face so hard that it changes shape. (see law #49)
#66- Law of Differentiated Gravitation-
First Corollary- If the airborne entity exceeds an altitude equal or greater
than two times the height of the entity, gravity is decreased by an inverse
coefficient relative to the upward momentum and mass/weight (if within at least
500 km of any gravity source) of the entity "jumping".
Second Corollary- The amount of Newtonian "opposite force" (in accordance to
normal downward velocity; "Earth gravity" speed is equal to 32ft/sec/sec) is also
inversely proportional to the "actual" speed of the airborne entity. In all
actuality, an entity that appears to be flying towards a solid concrete parking lot
from space will actually land, producing an opposite force of approximately 1.73 lb.
of pressure. Unless this particular entity is a "Bad Guy". Then the law exhibits a
mysterious exponentially proportional Newtonian opposite force, thusly increasing
this variable by a factor equal to the inverse-gravity potential.
#67- Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any situation where the
Ambient Dramatic Tension increases, the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient must be
increased by a proportional amount to compensate. In any situation where this does
not happen, the "Bad Guy" inevitably comes out on top. However, this usually leads
to a further rise in the Ambient Dramatic tension, which will always be offset by
an exponential increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient.
#68- Law of Coercive Vehicular Control- No matter how complex or well defined the
control system, a character controlling a vehicle of any sort always does so through
means of undetectable subconscious psychokinesis.
First Corollary- Characters can perform actions with their vehicles which
clearly defy normal physics (see Laws of Metaphysical Irregularity and Constant
Thrust). The velocity, attitude and traction of the vehicle appear to be adjusted at
will, with the degree of absolute control being proportional to the complexity and
lethality of the maneuver.
Second Corollary- It is effectively impossible to remove characters from or
disrupt the passage of their vehicles without the character’s consent. This does not
always apply to "Bad Guy" characters, or "Good Guy" characters in situations where
the Ambient Dramatic Tension could increase in accordance with the Law of
Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension.
#69- Amendment to the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any
situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases without a corresponding
increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient, not only does the "Bad Guy" usually
come out on top, but also his Smugness Factor increases in proportion to the rise in
Ambient Dramatic Tension.
#70- Law of The Rushing Background Effect- Whenever something dramatic occurs, a
survival instinct engages, thus rendering all incoming stimulus that is not directly
and immediately to the dramatic situation at hand a meaningless blur. This is often
referred to as "The Rushing Background Effect". Due to the increase in brain
activity and adrenaline levels in the bloodstream, the scene is often played out in
#71- Law of Interdimensional Hammers- Whenever a female character witnesses a male
character of her preference performing any sort of questionable act (i.e. Looking at
another girl or anything she might construe as perverted) she can reach into an
interdimensional realm (usually behind her back) and withdraw a huge Anime Mallet of
Doom with which to whack the said male over the head with. (see Laws # 37, 49, and
#72- Law of Instant Band-Aids- Whenever a character is injured (usually in a head
shot, maybe from a mallet whack) Band-Aids will always instantly appear on the
wounded individual (and always in pairs, set in a cross fashion). These bandages
will then, most likely, disappear by the character’s next scene.
#73- Law of Universal Edge Defense- Any projectile attack, from a blast of magic to
a hail of bullets, can be easily defended against by holding a suitably cool-looking
sword or other bladed weapon between the attacker and defender, usually so that the
edge cuts into the incoming attack(s), causing both halves to go flying harmlessly
past the defender. Observed most often in fantasy and martial arts anime.
#74- Law of Intractable Sanity- There is no such thing as insanity in anime. When
faced with horrifying supernatural forces that would drive most men mad, anime
characters will either:
a) Die quickly (but in accordance with all other laws e.g., slowdown and
Get possessed by them, especially if they are beautiful girls or men in a
position to ravish beautiful girls, or
c) Kill them, wipe the blood off their blades, and walk on whistling.
#75- Law of Celestial Body Control- At a dramatically correct moment, a hero can
summon a sun/moon/halo to appear behind him/her to cause a dramatic silhouette.
#76- Law of Aura of Forgetfulness- Any hero who wishes his/her identity to remain a
secret will invariably succeed regardless of disguise because everyone around
him/her will forget everything. Otherwise, how does Sailor Moon keep her disguise?
#77- Law of Cool Hair Factor- The hair of a hero will always coalesce into thick
strands that drape his face into a dramatic fashion, regardless of wind, the
elements, etc. (see Laws 32 & 48)
#78- Law of Inverse Coping- Any single event will happen to the ONE character LEAST
capable of dealing with it.
#79- Law of Martial Arts Training Invulnerability- The Myth that certain martial
arts will enable you to become so strong, that you can stop a nuclear warhead with
your bare palm. Unfortunately, for most otaku, they found the hard way that it just
doesn’t work in real life...
#80- Law of Stereotype Captain characteristics- If a captain of any type of ship is
male, he will invariably wear a big captain’s cap, a long overcoat, and have a
shaggy beard and mustache (pipe optional), and be a great tactician. If the captain
is female, however, she will invariably be young, well endowed, and ditzy as a pole
(horny father optional). Yet, she too will be a great tactician.
#81- Law of Shades/Coolness Factor- Shades can make you instantly cool, even if
you’re normally a klutz.
#82- Law of Hentai Plot- The proper response to any change in the plotline of a
Hentai anime is to start having sex.
#83- Law of Understatement- Anything that is deemed too impossible will become
First Corollary- Any "Bad Guy" stating "T-that’s impossible!" whenever the
hero is accomplishing some new feat/move/projectile will find out too late that he
is wrong and will invariably be toastied.
#84- Law of Dormant Powers- Anytime a hero is somehow outpowered and/or outclassed
by the villain, he will invariably release powers/new moves he never knew he could
accomplish... but his old teacher did!
#85- Law of Style Coefficient- In a situation where a Good guy may be in dire
straits, he will become stronger, smarter and more cool in a matter of seconds. (see
Laws #67, 69, and 84)
#86- Law of Bad Guy Smugness Factor- Whenever the villain actually succeeds in
beating the hero, they will begin to gloat uncontrollably, because they’ve never won
against the "Good Guy" (because they’re Eeeviiil!!). They usually get so cocky, they
tie the hero to a conveyor belt leading to his doom and leave to get a snack.
Usually this results in:
a) The hero escaping.
Clean-up for the underlings.
c) The villain getting toastied.
#87- Law of Tableware Nonexistence- There IS no spoon.
#88- 91- Law of Chastity-As I do not like or approve of Hentai, I am ignoring all laws on the topic.
#92- Law of Hero Identification- All heroes are introduced by way of appearance
while someone talking about their (in)famous-ness, or by way of a voice-over of them
#93- Law of Cute Mascots- Any anime either Shojo or Shonen has GOT to have at
least one cute, furry little mascot by penalty of death!
First Corollary- If it is a Shonen Anime, the hero will be accompanied by a
Dog, Cat or any kind of animal, real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the
male persuasion. Any animal that would be associated with girls that is following
him around is there because:
1) It’s his girlfriend’s.
2) It is following him, despite his insistence not to do so.
3) Chicks will dig him more.
Second Corollary- If it is a Shojo Anime, the heroine will be accompanied by
a cat, cute lil’ mouse, or some disgustingly cute monster, or any kind of animal,
real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the female persuasion. Any animal
that would be associated with guys that is following her around is there because:
1) It’s her boyfriend’s.
2) It is following her, despite her insistence not to do so.
3) It makes her look cool.
#94- Law of The Force- Most Anime heroes are blessed with a unique sort of ability
that enables bad things to happen to those that deserve it or makes things like
bullets or debris totally miss them (Also referred to as "Dumb Luck"), even though
they are mostly unaware of it. Those who have this ability include Vash the
Stampede, Captain Justy Ueki Tylor, and Jar Jar Binks.
#95- Law of Naughty Tentacles- All Anime Tentacles are VERY horny and will rape any
human female, regardless of age ("She’s 18! No! Really, she is! I’m not lying!...")
First Corollary- Even when raped or molested by tentacles, Hentai Anime
girls eventually get into it & begin squealing in ecstasy. NO one knows WHY this is,
but some theorize there may be some kind of chemical that is secreted through the
skin of the tentacle...
Second Corollary- Women who are impregnated by a tentacle creature never
experience morning sickness, and also find it to be intensely pleasurable (Also
known as the Goofy Meter Redline Effect).
Third Corollary- Similarly, the resulting... offspring of tentacle/human
relations is immediately sexually active, often impregnating its own mother again.
#96- Law of Cat-Fighting- Two females with a grudge can and will go at each other,
sometimes ripping off clothes. Sometimes it escalates so much, that property damage
begins to occur.
First Corollary- A running fight can be so destructive, you can follow it
from a distance just by watching for the smoke. (Also known as the "A-ko/B-ko
#97- Law of Healing- Most anime heroes have a Wolverine-like healing factor that
enables them to regenerate from a massive wound or broken bone within minutes. Being
immortal sometimes helps. (Also known as the "Priss Effect".)
#98- Law of Stereotype Crew Characteristics- All ships, either waterborne or
spaceborne, have the following crew members:
1) The captain
2) His Lieutenant
3) Various female technical staff
4) A hotshot pilot
5) A cute little girl/twins (either stowaways or not)
6) The Doctor
7) The Doctor’s assistant (either a spy or not)
Weighted among the crew are various quirks which include:
1) Extreme coolness/luck
2) Amazing Intelligence
3) Incredible irritation
4) Extreme cuteness
5) Irresponsible drunkenness
7) Emotionless (Idiots.)
#99- Law of Sparklies- Whenever a character of the main character’s interest
appears, flowers, sparkles, or abstract circles of pastel colors appear around said
character, or both. Roses with exaggerated thorns appear when it is dangerous love.
No one knows why this is, though most have a theory: Anime characters are freaks! At
least, Marker Apenname seems to think so...
#100- Law of Anime Events- Much like wrestling, anything and everything can happen.
Christmas Gone Ron
Okay, things ended interestingly for Ron in Vacation Gone Ron, but that was in the middle of summer. Now, it's going to be winter in Galleria Stoppable and everyone is all abuzz. Of course, things start to get serious when Yori comes back to stake claim on Ron, and Kim is gunning for Ron for becoming a worse womanizer than before. And when I say gunning, I mean with more than just guns. As if two grand crimes in the making wasn't enough, where did all the mistletoe come from?
Waluigi: Grand Gemopolis
A brand new idea for a whole new Waluigi game. This time, things are more serious and more original. Sick and tired of being neglected by Wario and beaten by Mario and Luigi, Waluigi decides to move far away, to a new city and country that the Mushroom Kingdom citizens have never heard of. Once there, though, he'll find himself caught up in a plan to overthrow the mayor, who only goes by the name "The Skeleton". "The Skeleton" is also a crime boss, and Waluigi will have to spend several years to bring down an entire criminal organization. On the way, he'll need to make friends, do favors, get a job to make money, and choose from five girls to fall in love with and marry. Good thing he has help from Onion, a nerd who can hack anywhere, anytime, and everytime, and GameShark, a crafty ex-criminal who knows all the shortcuts in life. Rated T for violence, suggestive humor, and just to be safe overall. I mean, as a game, it'd almost be like an E 10+ rated version of Grand Theft Auto, not that my game is based off of that one.
Pokemon: The Kuro Region
As if I'm not crazy enough to write up games and novels, I'm making my own Pokemon world. Citrine, Onyx, and Opal (Citrine and Opal are boys, Onys is a girl) travel throughout the Kuro region, where the trainers, the gym leaders, and every last Pokemon is new to you. Well, I might use a previous evolutionary track or two, but most of the Pokemon are my original creations. I'll even have a Kuro Region Pokedex up soon. Rated K+ for instances of suggestive humor and fantasy violence.
Brides of Beastboy
For anyone who has read 4 loves, 3 Graves, 2 Much Pain, 1 Beastboy, I'm sure you'll be excited to know that I'll be writing a full series on it. Join Beastboy as he lives with three wives, Raven, Blackfire, and Kitten, not to mention his kids and the chaos. After the first three, though, could wedding bells still be in the air for our widower changeling?