If you are a reader who hates me for not updating a story... I'm sorry! If it's of any comfort, I hate myself too, and no one wants to get all these stories out of my head so badly as I do. I just... well, I struggle with depression, and that makes really hard to write sometimes. Nothing comes out right when my brain is muddled. I keep trying, though, writing and writing, and sometimes I get past it. Other times I get stuck, and I rescue myself starting a new story. I wish I could say I will soon get better and begin update all my stories weekly, but it doesn't look good. All I can say is that I do what I can, and I write what I need. And that I will not abandon any story.

About me...

I have a crappy life. Writing is how I cope with that.

I have been writing for fifteen years, but never seriously enough as to publish. So I'm learning things about my writing process and about story outlining that I hadn't so far realized. It turns out writing "for real" is hard, time-consuming work that requires a lot of planning and discipline. It is especially challenging when for some reason one decides to write in a non-native language. This gets easier with practice, and I think I'm not half so bad at this point, but I'm definitely still learning English every single day.

I must say seriousness takes half the fun of writing, but in the end I get the satisfaction of being able to read complete chapters of my own personalized story, without inconsistencies here and there nor missing chapters or scenes. I make more of an effort when it is meant to be published, else I tend to skip the parts that are not so fun to write. Having an audience forces me to work harder, I find, and since I am my main reader I end up being the main beneficiary of such work. So thank you, Readers. Without you waiting for my chapters I probably would never get around finish them to read them myself.

If I make myself laugh, or cry, or smirk, then I consider my work successful. But that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate other people's feedback. If something unexpected I have discovered since I began publishing is that reviews carry a powerful sort of magic. I definitely don't need nor want my ego to be stroked (I struggled my whole life not to be that kind of person and I'm confident that I have succeeded in taming that human weakness that we all have by nature), but it is nice to know that other people are enjoying what I write. After all, I am only sharing because I figure there might be a few people out there who perhaps could enjoy the workings of my mind and heart. It fills me with warmth to think that I have brightened someone else's day with my words just like plenty other writers have brightened my dark days over the years. This is my way of paying forward. I suppose I don't really need reviews, but it's nice to receive them and they always put me in the mood to write more.

I have also learned (or confirmed) that I'm an anxious person, always fearing to mess things up and wanting to jump ahead to write some scene or POV that appeals me more. Of course I've always been this way, but this is the first time that I'm forcing myself to write in order and finish each chapter before moving on to the next one, and as a result writing is no longer always enjoyable. For instance I sometimes suffer through POVs that I don't like or that I'm not in the mood to write, and since writing is supposed to be my refuge from suffering this is a cause of internal conflict for me. During the worst of these conflicts I have considered to stop publishing and go back to my old free-style writing, but out of stubbornness I each time forced myself to overcome the obstacles so I could then be free to revel in an oh so needed Snape-related chapter.

If you, Reader, find some chapter tiresome, be glad that it only takes you a few minutes to get over it while I have had to spend hours or days struggling with each word. If, on the contrary, you drink up the chapter like water, it most likely flew easily from my quill, so to speak.

Another observation I have made since I began writing fanfiction is that this is both easier and harder than writing original stories. Easier because the universe is already cooked up, and the Harry Potter universe in particular is extremely rich and versatile. Not only one doesn't have to make up names or places or powers, all the characters already have a personality and a history, and the general plot is already outlined. This is in a way relaxing, which is why I'm sure so many people write fanfiction. It makes both easier to write, and easier to read, since the reader already has all that background information (do we properly acknowledge Rowling's original creation anymore? I've gotten so used to criticize canon that I often forget just how much we owe her).

At the same time, however, having so many things already set is restricting, especially if one wishes to stick to canon as much as possible (and I do wish that, else I would be writing original stories). One is forced to use the characters available, preserving at least part of their canonical personalities and histories, and to not diverge too much from the plot established by canon. Why? Because anyone who reads fanfiction will already have the canon as background, and major divergences from that background will cause confusion or simple loss of interest.

But I digress... The thing is that despite enjoying writing fanfiction more, in a way, I also find it limiting. I enjoy playing with Rowling's characters and plots, but I can't really spread my wings in her universe. Not without going completely AU and raising the Content Rating to "Fucked Up People Only".

I digress again.

I assume you have already guessed what sort of person I am. Back in the day, when I was a child reading Harry Potter for the first time (and re-reading each book ad infinitum), I don't think I really understood what the Hogwarts' Houses really represented. I also didn't really know myself. Of course I am no longer that child, I wasn't nearly as damaged when I first read the words "Harry Potter" as I am now. And since I used Harry Potter to evade myself from Reality for many years, it took me a while to realize to which House I really belonged.

As a little kid, I predictably wanted to be a Gryffindor. Even though I was never really all that brave. I wanted to be Gryffindor because I identified myself with Harry, with that desire to escape my own cupboard and find friends and family.

But Harry never should have gone to Gryffindor. The way I see it, Harry was made a Gryffindor by being sorted into Gryffindor and subjected to the pressures of a hero. But given his background it would have made more sense Slytherin, and given his natural temperament it would have made more sense Hufflepuff.

Well, I grew up, eventually, and in my twenties I began to realize that Ravenclaw would have been a better fit for me than Gryffindor, since I was definitely a nerd with an insatiable thirst for knowledge. But Ravenclaw never felt right. Not because I couldn't fit, but because no amount of knowledge collected inside my head made me feel any less empty. I knew true Ravenclaws, and it was clear to me that we didn't belong to the same sort of people.

Then I spent a fair number of years more focused on life than on Harry Potter (never a good idea). When eventually I was again confronted to the question of which House I really belonged to, I was surprized to realize that I had nothing Gryffindor or Ravenclaw in me left. Instead I found that my basic nature was probably Hufflepuff, and wished with all my heart I could be given the choice to belong to that House. But I knew that it was too late for me, that the Hat would throw me into Slytherin without a second thought. And that I would completely belong there, much like Severus Snape.

I actually wonder how I didn't realize much sooner that I am a Slytherin. I suppose I was prejudiced and I didn't want to think of myself as "evil" (clearly I didn't understand anything). But I was marked for Slytherin by a crappy childhood that forced me to develop multiple survival strategies as well as a very dark personality. If magic had existed in the world and/or I could have gotten away with it, I would have definitely tortured and murdered multiple people before I even turned seventeen (and I wouldn't have thought myself evil at all). Instead, all I could do was dream and write, and protect myself with secrecy and mental shields. Twenty years later, I am as charming a person as Severus Snape.

But let's focus on the silver lining, shall we? My crappy life made a writer of me. If I could have chosen, I would have preferred to be happy, but as it is I'm grateful that I can at least lose myself in words.

FIXING CANON

I chose this user name because it's precisely what motivated me to start writing fanfiction. Much as I owe to Rowling (her novels probably saved me from insanity or suicide or prison), I became more and more dissatisfied with her story the older I was. In fact it was that dissastifaction what pushed me to begin writing my own stories so many years ago. Only at that time I for some reason (probably ignorance) had a huge prejudice against fanfiction, so I made sure to stay clear from the Harry Potter Universe. Only this last year, 2021, I came across this site and —reluctantly at first, I must admit, and ridiculously ashamed— I began reading fanfiction. And you know how that is, how one story leads to another, and to another, and to another... And the more fanfictions I read, the more dissatisfied I became. "They are supposed to be fixing canon!" I grumbled to myself. "That author had a great idea, and then he or she ruined it with this or that..." And I kept reading, but all the stories I read had some big fault that irritated me. Until finally I couldn't stand it anymore and decided to take matters into my own hands and fix canon myself!

Yeah, I am like this, what can I say? It's not that I didn't enjoy reading hundreds of other fanfictions. I did, and they saved me as much as the original Harry Potter saved me. And they too inspired me. Without those stories, I wouldn't be writing now my own. I'm sure many will also feel dissatisfied reading my stories, it's just the way it is, the natural cycle of reading and writing.

So that's how I ended up writing fanfiction. And this little tale is significant because it explains not only my user name but also the principle behind my stories. I didn't want to write fanfiction. Canon simply had to be fixed so I could have some peace of mind. All my stories diverge from canon in one of those points where in my opinion "canon went wrong". And those are obviously moments when Snape should have stepped forward and truly protected Lily's son.

[Note: I only consider CANON the original seven HP books. Not Pottermore nor any other books nor things that Rowling might have said afterwards]

MY STORIES

They are all centered on different versions of Severus Snape, who in his desperate attempts to keep Lily's son alive reluctantly ends up as Harry's mentor, guardian or father. And protector, always.

Let Me Die For You (in progress) — Canon with a twist, starting at the beginning of book 4. Main differences with canon: the Goblet of Fire is awfully powerful and cruel, Harry is entered as a champion to get him killed, Snape risks his life to help Harry survive the Triwizard Tournament... and a lot of other things that I don't want to spoil. Darker Snape.

The Boy Who Forgot (in progress, but temporarily neglected) — AU. Breaks from canon when Dumbledore tells Snape that Harry will have to be sacrificed, and Snape instead of accepting that decides to fake Potter's death, wipe his memory and take him into hiding to raise as his own son. All goes well until seven years later Henry realizes that he is Harry Potter. Father Snape.

The Way Forward (in progress) — AU. Breaks from canon when Dumbledore tells Snape that Harry will have to be sacrificed, and Snape instead of accepting that decides to tell the Dark Lord that Potter is a Horcrux and hope his master will protect the boy better than Dumbledore. Traitor Snape.

On the Way to Greatness (in progress) — AU. Breaks from canon when Harry receives his Hogwarts letter and has the sense to hide it from the Dursleys.

It really makes me anxious to have all these incomplete stories inside my head. I would like to write faster, but unfortunately different stories and different POVs require specific moods or states of mind that I can't always find in myself. And of course there is always Real Life looking at me funny and making demands on my time.