SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN AS OF 6/18/19:

Tozette, one of the greatest fanfiction authors I’ve ever had the indescribable honor to read a story written by, WROTE ME A NARUTO/MARVEL CROSSOVER FIC. IT’S BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT AND I’M SCREAMING SO HARD, YOU HAVE NO IDEA. GO READ IT. LIKE RIGHT NOW.

https:///works/19857913

(In case the link isn’t showing up on your screen, it’s posted on AO3 under the title Play Nice.)

NEWS AS OF 1/1/2020:

Chapter 18 of Simplicity has been posted!

I'm still working on the rewrite of Harry Potter and the Red Dawn Guardians, and I've officially decided that I'll upload it as a separate story once I've finished, and I'll retitle the old one to Harry Potter and The Red Dawn Guardians: Original Version so that the brave and curious few in the future can see its origins. I have many, many other stories in the works, including several for Attack on Titan, Fullmetal Alchemist, Sherlock, Fairy Tail, and Yuuri! on ICE, as well as a few crossovers. Hopefully I'll get to upload them soon. :) I'll also go back and rewrite most (if not all) of my older stories from high school because they are, frankly, embarrassing to look at now.

NAME: Stephanie

NICKNAMES: Steff, Steph, Steffie, Tiffy, Rogue, Ernie, Poison Ivy, KoolKittyKat, You With The Face, Cousin Itt, Stripe, Tushi-face, Katora, Koura, Kat, That Tall One With The Really Long Blond Hair (which is interesting because my hair is brown) ... Will add more once I've been named yet again. Call me whatever you like!

AGE: 25 (as of 7/27/19)

DEVART ACCOUNT: RoseHathaway

TWITTER: @Splashfalls

FACEBOOK: PeinSaku (Tell me you're from if you want to add me.)

ABOUT ME:

I have a frankly twisted sense of humor and a personality that usually makes people run screaming in the other direction once they catch a glimpse of it. I enjoy both Disney movies and slasher films because I clearly have issues, and I am entirely a product of the eighties despite being born in the mid-nineties. Because shut up. I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga, comic books, actual books, fanfiction, video games, and drawing. My favorite genres are horror, sci-fi/fantasy, mystery, and comedy, but I typically inject more humor than anything else into my writing because sass and terrible jokes are my faithful old fallback.

10 THINGS YOU PROBABLY CAN'T TELL ABOUT ME FROM MY NARUTO FANFICTION:

1) I don't hate Sasuke. No, really -- I don't. I very deeply disliked him for a while, but he's redeemed himself over the years, and I kinda like him again. It's just... Well, he's really easy to write as a bad guy and an arrogant douchepickle. In fact, I find it pretty funny when I do. But I don't hate him at all.

2) I like Anko. A lot. She's one of my favorites, and I just love making her a sadistic bitch that crushes everyone beneath her heel.

3) I like Rin, too. I like to picture her (and Tenten) as the kind of girl that smiles very sweetly before she completely destroys someone and subjects them to her nonexistent mercy. I imagine they, Sakura, Anko, Tsunade, and Kushina would all get along very well.

4) Uchiha Shisui is currently tied with Pein for my second favorite Naruto character of all time. (It should be pretty obvious that Sakura is number one on my list.) I just love them both even though they're such polar opposites.

5) Out of all the stories I've read, my favorite portrayals of Itachi are the ones (in the regular ninja-verse) where he is the very definition of Socially Retarded -- with both the capital "S" and the capital "R." For an excellent example of this, I suggest reading "Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting" by odmonkey.

6) I love the Akatsuki to death, especially when they're all acting like moronic children while Pein sits on the sidelines with a raging headache. Refer to the previous one on this list for an example.

7) I also love Madara. And Tobi. And Obito. And Madara-pretending-to-be-Tobi. And Obito-pretending-to-be-Madara-pretending-to-be-Tobi. Since most of the stories on this site were written long before Tobi's identity was revealed, it's always fun to try and guess which direction the authors will go with him.

8) I love Kimimaro, too, even though he got maybe three episodes of screen time. If you've been paying attention, you'll notice that most of my favorite characters are sadistic, idiotic, insane, or a combination of all three. Wonder what that says about me.

9) I think Kiba and Ino belong together, as do Kakashi and Anko. It just works. Fight me.

10) Both Sakura and Sarada got screwed over ten ways from Sunday, and they're FAR more capable than their characterization suggests. Kishimoto-sensei really dropped the ball here.

FAVORITE ANIME/MANGA: Naruto, One Punch Man, Fairy Tail, No. 6, Yuri!!! on ICE, Hakuouki, Aoharu X Machinegun, Karnveal, Soul Eater, Bleach, Blue Exorcist, Itsuwaribito, Aron's Absurd Armada, Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion, Full Metal Alchemist, Bleach, Deadman Wonderland, Devils and Realist, 1/2 Prince, Black Bird, Kimi ni Todoke, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Reimei no Arcana, Alice in the Country of Hearts/Clover/Joker, Crimson Empire, Dictatorial Grimoire, Black Butler, Barajou no Kiss, Hana to Akuma, Strobe Edge, Dengeki Daisy, Akagami no Shirayukihime, Ouran High School Host Club, Millenium Snow, Hapi Mari, Kamisama Hajimemashita, Oresama Teacher, Black Blood Brothers, Vampire Knight, Tsubasa Chronicles, S.L.H. - Stray Love Hearts!, Death Note, InuYasha, Rurouni Kenshin, Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni, Umineko no Naku Koro Ni, Elfen Lied, Black Cat, Avatar: The Last Airbender, The Legend of Korra, Yu-Gi-Oh!, Poke'mon, SonicX, and Code Lyoko. (Are those last two even anime? I don't think so.)

FAVORITE OTHER MEDIA: Sherlock, Harry Potter, Resident Evil, A Game of Thrones, His Dark Materials, The Matrix, The Lord of The Rings, The Hobbit, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass, Halloween, Scooby-Doo!, Courage the Cowardly Dog, The Terminator, Doom, Halo, Sypro the Dragon, The Legend of Zelda, Star Wars, Star Trek, Doctor Who, The Big Bang Theory, The Mentalist, True Blood, Dexter, James Bond, Ace Ventura, anything Marvel or DC, V for Vendetta, Watchmen, The Walking Dead, Lucifer, The Exorcist, 9-1-1, Dark Shadows, The X-Files, Alien, Predator, Die Hard, Disney, Sense8, and basically any type of rock/metal/alternative music. And Japanese music.

FAVORITE QUOTE OF ALL TIME:

“THAT is what you stepped it, THAT'S what was on your shoe, and THAT explains the abrasion on your palm! Let me run that back for you: mlap ruoy no noisarba eht snialpxe taht dna, eohs ruoy no saw tahw s’taht, ti deppets uoy tahw si taht! THAT is what you stepped it, THAT’S what was on your shoe, and THAT explains the abrasion on your palm! DAMN, I’M GOOD!! Can you feel that?! Huh?! Can you feel that Captain Compost?!” – Ace Ventura from Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls

FAVORITE REAL-LIFE QUOTES:

"Look how much done I have this thing." -me (Trying to say, "Hey, look how much of this thing I've done today!")

"Then he started throwing up, and it was awesome!" -my amazing friend Courtney

"When I think about Ryan Gosling, I feel like he would smell like maple syrup." -a girl in my Creative Writing class

"Did you see the way they all looked at me? I feel like a storm trooper in a room full of rebels! No... I'm the rebel...in a room full of storm troopers!" -my equally amazing friend Shiannee

FAVORITE MOVIE QUOTES:

"I know you gentlemen have been through a lot...but when you find the time...I'd rather not spend the rest of this winter TIED TO THIS FUCKING COUCH!" -Garry from The Thing

"Life is a big trap full of little traps. If you listen hard, sometimes you can hear them snap shut." -Unknown

"Ugh, we seriously need to break her of this habit now before she winds up on a street corner selling her body for pacifiers, and, honestly, I don't think she's got the ass for it." -Jen from Life in Pieces

"I promised not to tell, but my fingers were crossed, so I'm wide open." -Dr. House from "House M.D."

Guy Behind the Counter: "I need to see your faculty identification card."
Horvath: -waves magic staff- "You don't need to see my faculty identification card."
Guy Behind the Counter: -hypnotized- "I don't need to see your faculty identification card."
Drake: "These are not the droids you are looking for." -from "The Sorcerer's Apprentice"

"I gotta jar of dirt! I gotta jar of dirt! And guess what's inside it!" -Jack Sparrow from Pirates 2

"Oh. Not good." -Jack Sparrow from Pirates

"You're mad!"
"Good thing, 'cause if I wasn't, this would probably never work." -Lord Becket and Jack Sparrow from Pirates 3

"How soon can we set off?"
-ship falls apart- "Do think he plans it all out, or just makes it up as he goes along?" -Lord Becket and random crewman from Pirates 3

"You are not my captain!"-to Elizabeth-
"Who among you do you call 'captain'?"
-points at Elizabeth-"Captain!" -random Singapore crewman and Davy Jones from Pirates 3

"How's Mum?"
-holds up a shruken head-
"...sh-she looks great..." -Jack Sparrow from Pirates 3

"You haven't raised an alarm."
"I know. Strange, isn't it? But not as strange as this."
"I said to myself, 'think like Jack'."
"And this is what you came up with? Leave a trail for Becket to follow and betray all the pirates? It's like you don't know me at all, mate." -Wil Turner and Jack Sparrow from Pirates 3

"James Norrigton, do you fear death?" -gets stabbed- "I take that as a 'no'." -Davy Jones from Pirates 3

"Do you fear death?"
"You have no idea..." -Davy Jones and Jack Sparrow from Pirates 3

"I once sailed with a geezer. Lost both of his arms and part of his eye."
"What did you call him?"
"...Larry." -Jack Sparrow and Gibbs from Pirates 3

"Just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon." -Hermione from Harry Potter/Order of the Phenox

-POW!- "I needed that." -POW!- "I needed that, too." -POW!- "You're pushing your luck, Scoob!" -Shaggy from Scooby Doo 2

"I saw him through the window and he was wearing butt-inspection gloves." -Alex from Home Alone 3

"Dog?! Where?!" -Scooby-Doo from Scooby-Doo/Zombie Island

"I'm really starting to hate you, Kenji. You've been trying to kill us since the start of this damn movie." -Carter from Rush Hour 3 (blooper)

"I'm Juan Toa's brother! I'm Blackinese!" -Carter from Rush Hour

"I don't know what the hell you're feeding him, but he is too damn big!" -Carter from Rush Hour 3

"This is Madness!"
"This is polotics." -Elizabeth Swan and Jack Sparrow from Pirates 3

"I'm looking for a man named Ace Ventura." "We do not go by names here." "Erm, he's American." "We do not descriminate by such titles." "He likes to talk through his rear." "...oh. Him." -Greenwall and a monk from Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls

"I hate mummies! They never play fair!" -Johnathon from The Mummy Tomb/dragon Emporer

"A brief shinning moment, and then that mouth." -Victor from Miss Congeniality

"Eyebrows; there should be two." -Victor from Miss Congeniality

"If you screw with me, I'll screw you right back!" -Mia from Vampire Academy

"I'm no ordinary pervert! I'm a MEGA PERV!" -Jiraiya from Naruto episode 54

"And if anyone--ANYONE--tried to hurt one of my new friends, I would take them out. I would make them suffer so much, they'd wish they were never born. And if they tried to run, I would hunt them down." -Gracie Heart from Miss Congeniality

"I'm sorry. What was the question? I was too distarcted by the half-masticated cow rolling around in your big trap." -Victor from Miss Congeniality

"With all this foil in my hair, I'm getting HBO." -Gracie Heart from Miss Congeniality

"What? No armored car?"
"That would be in my other dress." -Victor and Gracie Heart from Miss Congeniality

"I'm sorry, whoever you are, but this line is reserved for emergency calls only."
"No fucking shit, lady! Do I sound like I'm ordering a pizza, here?!" -random police woman and John Maclain from Die Hard

"Damn Hamster! Stay still, Spiderboy!" -John Maclain from Live Free or Die Hard

"Wow...I know that tone, it's just weird hearing it from someone with...hair." -Mattew from Live Free or Die Hard

"Asshole?! I'm not the one that just got butt-fucked on national television, Dwayne!" -John Maclain from Die Hard

"I know where you live. If you're not well on your way to becoming a vet in the next six months, I'll kill you." -Tyler from Fight Club

"Yeah yeah, I got it! No wait, I lost it." -Tyler from Fight Club

"Pardon my French, but Camron is so tight that if you stuck a piece of coal up his ass, in a few weeks you would have a diamond." -Ferris Bueller from Ferris Bueller's Day Off

"Rescue her? How many of you are here? Seven? Maybe eight?"
"Five humans and a cat." -Ikkaku and Ichigo from Bleach

"A cute girl stopped me on the way, so I danced." -Kakashi Hatake from Naruto

"Under my mask is...another mask! Pretty cool, huh?" -Kakashi Hatake from Naruto

“Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever, you keep on talking.” -anonymous

“If you laugh, I will laugh. If you cry, I will cry and if you jump out of the window, I will laugh.” -anonymous

“I used to have super powers, but then my therapist took them away.” -anonymous

"Thanks. Now that you've endorsed me and my family, I can finally get on with my life. It's the only thing that's been holding me back." -Christian Ozera from Shadow Kiss

"Jerks. Oh, hey. Doughnuts." -Rose Hathaway from Shadow Kiss

"I've hardly seen you at all since we got back. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were avoiding me."
"I am avoiding you." -Adrian Ivashkov and Rose Hathaway from Shadow Kiss

"I could tell you stories about your father that would curl even your greasy hair, boy!" -Mad-Eye Moody from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

"Follow the spiders? Follow the spiders?! If Hadgrid ever gets out of Azkaban, I'll kill him!" -Ron Weasley from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

"What's he doing?!"
"I think he's singing..."
"Yeah, I once heard an animal make that sound, but when they rolled him over he was dead." -three of the Amigoes from Happy Feet

"In case you haven't been keeping up on current events, we just got our asses kicked, pal!!" -Hudson from Aliens

"What do you mean they turned off the power?! How could they turn off the power?! They're animals!" -Hudson from Aliens

"Is he dead?"
"That's the problem. He was already dead to begin with." -kid and Ichabod from Sleepy Hollow

"I'm giving you a choice. Now put on the glasses or start eating that trash can." -Nada from They Live

"I'm here to kick ass and chew bubblegum...And I'm all out of bubblegum." -Nada from They Live

"Darlene, what do you mean you don't take bubble baths?"
"It makes my pooter sting worse than a swarm of bees." - Candi and Darlene from Waking Up In Reno

FAVORITE CONVERSATIONS:

Me: "I love the smell of coffee, especially those ones with vanilla and white chocolate and caramel."
Amy: "Ugh, let me put my nose inside you. It'll burn, but I don't care."

Grandma: "All my damn doctor wants to do is a colonoscopy. I'm constipated -- I can't do a colonoscopy. I've gotta shit."
Grandpa: "It's rough... It's rough... Stinks up the whole house."
Aunt Barbie: "If you gots the shits, use the spritz."

Me: "What do you use in your hair?"
Counsin Ben: "Loriel, 'cause I'm worth it."

Me: -holds out a turkey sandwhich with bagel slices instead of buns- "Hey, Austin, smell this."
Austin: -does so without question because he's used to all the weird crap we do- "What about it?"
Me: "Dude, this thing tastes like grape Kool-aid."
Austin: "What, seriously?"
Me: "Yeah" -gives it to him-
Austin: -takes a bite- "Holy shit, it does."
Me: "Somehow, I don't think a turkey bagel is supposed to smell and taste like grape Kool-aid. I don't even have grape Kool-aid in my house!"
Austin: "Maybe your mom's trying to poison you."
Me: "Yeah, probably."
(Because of this, we now have an inside joke: "So, have you sniffed the bagel lately?" and people stare at us 'cause it sounds like we're talking about drugs. XD)

Kirby: "Um, Miss Freeman, what if we were to - hypothetically, of course - uh, not do the work?"
Miss Freeman (English teacher): -glaring- "Do the work, or I'll move these desks apart, and it'll be WWE Smackdown in here."

Miss Freeman: "Alright, guys; good news: you've got an in-class essay today."
(Insert groaning.)
Kirby: "Come on, Miss Free-Free! Do we have to?"
Miss Freeman: "Yes, you have to."
Kirby: "But Miss Freemaaaan-"
Miss Freeman: "Guys, look: you are doing this essay whether you like it or not. I don't do this on purpose, you know. I don't wake up in the morning and think, 'I'm gonna ruin Kirby's day today' - and, frankly, is it too cold for me to be riding my broomstick to school."

"How could you do this to us, Emmy?!" "It's all your fault!" "You're so mean!" "I can't believe you, Emmy!" "I'm gonna go kill myself now, and it's all because of YOU!" "WHAAAA!! -crying-" "Emmy, why are you so cruel?!" "WHY, GOD, WHYYYYY?!" "Hey, Emmy!!" "Guess what, Emmy!" "I like that movie, too!" "I know, right?!" "The one with that one guy that does that one thing at that one place!!" "Seriously!!" "Emmy's amazing horse tastes just like raisons!" "Give it a lick --MM! Tastes just like raisons!" "Seventy-four!" "I know, right?!" "God, Emmy! You're so mean!" -Me and my friend Billy screwing around in Algebra II class and scaring our friend Emily :3

Me: "You know what the difference is between English and American?"
Matt: "There's not a difference; they're both English."
Me: "No they're not. In English if someone says 'Excuse me. I need to get through' it translates to 'Get the fuck out of the way!' in American."
Matt: "...Wow, you're right."

Me: "What are you gonna use for your quote in senior year?"
Austin: "Mm, I'm thinking maybe: 'You look like you were beaten with an ugly stick by a very hairy man'."
Me: "...I like it."

Me: "What did you write in my yearbook?"
Austin: "Read it and find out."
Me: "Alrighty. Let's see: 'I hate children and plan on beating them with an ugly stick in racoon form when babysitting' ..."
Austin: "Well?"
Me: "...niiiiice."

Me: "Wanna sign my yearbook?"
Spencer: "Yeah, sure." -signs it-
Andrew: "What'd he write?"
Me: "Hm, let me see... 'Thanks for the geometry help' ..."

Me: "Hey, Matthew, sign my yearbook!"
Matt: "Okay." -signs it-
Me: "Hey, uh, Matt; what's this say?"
Matt: "Oh, I marked out my last name and rewrote it."
Me: "...why?"
Matt: "...I kind of mispelled it."
Me: -points- "HAHAHA!!"

Racheal: "Hey, Steph, I wanna sign your yearbook!"
Me: "Alright." -gives it to her, she signs it- "Let's see... 'Dear Stephanie! You are one of my awesomest book buddies! If you ever need to borrow a book from me, I'm your girl! Anyone, I wanted to inform you that I am the first to sign your crack! XD Love! Racheal' Aw, thanks, Racheal!"
Racheal: "You're welcome!"
Me: "Just one thing, though."
Racheal: "What?"
Me: "You said 'anyone' instead of 'anyway'."
Racheal: "...shit. Just ignore it."

Matt: "Hey, Steph. We're learning about polyhydrants in geometry, but I don't get any of it. Can you, uh, help please?"
Me: "Polyhydrants? Don't you mean polyhedrons?"
Matt: "That's what I said; Pathagoreans."

Billy: "Hey, Coach G; I was on the computer last night and--"
Coach G (Mythology teacher): "Were you looking up porn?"

Grandpa: "Girls, go out and start picking rocks out of the yard. You can put 'em in these buckets" -gives them buckets- "Then you can dump them by the creek."
My aunt when she was younger, standing with my mom and my other aunt: "Ah, come on, Dad; we wanna go over to (insert whatever her name was)'s!"
Grandpa: "You damn girls think Manual Labor is the dictator of Mexico! Get to work!"

Mom: "Steph, go get the keys from your dad. It's too hot out here."
Me: -walks over to my dad- "Mom wants the car keys 'cause it's too hot outside. You're taking too long looking at all the plants."
Dad: "She's got her own keys."
Me: "They're in the car."
Dad: "That's too bad. I'll be over there soon."
Me: -walks back to my mom- "Mom, Dad's being a jerk again and he won't get me the keys."
Mom: "Mark, give us the keys!"
Dad: "You'll get them in a minute!"
Mom: "First you won't give me a pool, and now you won't give me the car keys! You're being a jerk!"
Dad: "Jerk? I'm not a jerk, you liar."
Mom: "No, you're the liar; you promised me the pool!"
Dad: "I did not!"
Mom: "You did too!"
Dad: "No I didn't!"
Mom: "Just give me the damn keys!"

Me: "Emmy, your face is red."
Emily: "It is?"
Me: "Yeah."
Emily: "Really? I can't see it."

Me: "What are they doing?"
Emily: "Upgrading the software on their graphing calculators."
Me: "Man, I want my software upgraded."
Billy: "Hey, baby -- I'll stick my flash drive in your port."
Me: "Unidentified device detected."
Billy: "Rape?"

Billy: "Where are you planning on going to college?"
Me: "Well, I got a letter from Yale, so I'm hoping that I qualify for Vanderbilt."
Billy: "Vanderbilt? Heh, I wish I was smart enough to go there. I'm just a potato sliding along a trail of melted butter."

(After having a long conversation about some poorly-written story in which a character is masturbating like a mad-man and there is much creepy child-porno)
Courtney: "And then he was all like, 'GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BEDROOM'."
Me: "HOLY SHIT, MAN, THAT'S HILLARIOUS."
Our Bus Driver: "Girls, keep it clean."

(At a restaurant called Dick's Last Resort - the most AMAZING place on the face of the earth.)
Waiter: "So, we've got all this alcoholic goodness on the back of the little menu here. We've got this, and this, and -"
Dad: "That's alright. I have to drive us home, so I won't be drinking today."
Waiter: "Dude. Shut up. I don't care. We've got this, too, and this..."

(Standing in line to pay our bill at a Mexican restaurant, except there's nobody at the counter to pay.)
Mom: -turns to the woman beside her- "Well, maybe it's a freebe."
Woman: "Are you here with the democrats?"
Mom: -points at the rest of us- "No, ma'am. I'm with the inbreds at that table over there."

(When my friend Amy and I go to visit our old high school teachers while they're in the middle of class.)
Amy: -pulls out a huge spray bottle- "Well, I remember how you used to spray us with water all the time in class, so I brought you a new one - and it's jumbo sized, too!"
Mr. Cox: "Oh, thank you, Amy. I love it. You always were one of my favorites. Did I ever spray you?"
Amy: "Once, during a movie."
Mr. Cox: "I remember that now. I said something like, 'Isn't it just so refreshing,' right?"
Amy: "Yeah."
Mr. Cox: "Well, thank you, Amy, really. Now I can reach those little toads that sleep in the back of my room when I'm teaching at the front. I don't even need to get out of my desk to get the ones who sleep during movies, too!" -sighs- "You wouldn't believe the complaints I get from their parents when I spray them. They come down here and ask why I'm spraying their kids with water, so I tell them, 'Do you want to see the pictures I took of your daughter sleeping in my class?' Then they start asking, 'Why are you taking pictures of my daughter, you creepy man?,' so I tell them, 'Well, do you want to see them or not?' and they just change the subject because they can't argue with that." -shakes his head- "Honestly. I'm just spraying them with water. They act like it's acid or something - and I can't even spray the black girls anymore because they all start screaming about their hair!"

(While Amy and I were still visiting our old high school teachers)
Me: "Coach G!!"
Amy: "Coach G!!"
Coach G: "Hey! What are you two doing back here?"
Me: "We're going around to see all our old teachers -- except since it's finals week, Mr. Crook wouldn't let us in, so we snuck in through the art rom."
Coach G: "It's not like anyone actually checks your visitor's passes anyway. It's good to see you both!"
Amy: "We got something for you."
Coach G: -excited- "What, really?"
Amy: "Yeah." -pulls out a sheet of hot pink felt covered in glittery silver hearts-
Coach G: -cringes- "Is that felt?!"
Me: "We got it just for you!" -laughing-
Coach G: -flinching repeatedly- "...thank...you..." -takes it carefully and stuffs it in his pocket before shuddering- "You two...you're horrible..."
Amy: -pulling out zebra striped pink felt- "Wait, Coach G, we got you some more."
Coach G: "Oh God, no. This...this is enough. Ugh. You're both horrible." -walks away quickly before we can force him to take more-
(Coach G is actually afraid of felt, small birds, and giraffes -- the felt because he came into his classroom one day a few years ago, and someone had covered his entire desk with it. He says it scarred him for life. XD)

Mom: -suddenly walks in- "Kathy (our neighbor) just drives my ass crazy."
Me: "What happened?"
Mom: "I was outside working in the yard, and she came over and started up that, 'I get lonely during the day. Why don't you all ever come visit me?' And I told her, 'Well, Kathy, I've got a lot of yard work to catch up on. I work during the days, so I can only do this at night, and I don't have much time.' And she goes, 'Well, I get lonely, and you all need to visit. I don't get company very often, and I have nothing to do, and it just makes me so sad that Nick (our other neighbor's cat that Kathy hates) won't be coming over anymore.' And I thought to myself, 'You old bitch, you're the reason why he's on house arrest!" -walks out and slams the door-

(While the family is getting together to celebrate my cousin Brandon's high school graduation at his grandmother's house.)
Me: -petting a very friendly stray cat outside- "Isn't he just so sweet? Look, he just rolled onto his back! Aw, you want a belly rub?"
Cousin Ben: -petting the cat, too- "He is pretty friendly."
Me: "The nice cats are always gingers - have you noticed that? It's weird."
Uncle Kenneth: -opens the front door and frowns at us- "Leave that cat alone before it bites you, because they'll have to kill it and chop off its head to see if its rabid." -walks back inside without another word-

Mom: "We called Bobby over to paint our bathroom a couple weeks ago, and he did an amazing job."
Aunt Penny: "What color did you have him paint it?"
Mom: "Well, Mark swears it's coral, but Stephanie says it's orange."
Me: "It IS orange! BRIGHT orange! You'd have to be colorblind not to see it! The name on the paint splotch is Blazing Orange, for God's sake!"
Cousin Ben: "Hey, I'm colorblind."
Aunt Penny: "Well, you'll have to show it to us when we come over on Friday to catch up on The Walking Dead." -turns to Aunt Barbie- "You and Kenneth were over there a couple days ago, weren't you? Did you see their new bathroom color?"
Aunt Barbie: "Yeah. It was nice."
Uncle Kenneth: "It was horrid."

Baby Cousin Skylar: "Kenny, can you light this?" -holds out half of a sparkler-
Cousin Kenny: "What happened to your sparkler, Sky? The end of it is gone!"
Me: -points- "He left it over there in the grass when it fell off."
Cousin Kenny: "...you know what? I could light this on fire and see what happens. Here, hold my beer."

NARUTO SPOILERS (sort of)*
Amber: "I was so sad when Tsunade died!"
Me: "Oh, I know! I mean, she got ripped in half!"
Amber: "Wait...ripped in half...?"
Me: "...how far are you in the series?"
Amber: "She just went into a coma -- what do you mean she gets ripped in half?!"
Me: "Uh..."
Davie: -walks up- "What's wrong?"
Me: "Amber was talking about Tsunade getting killed..."
Davie: "Yeah! She got RIPPED IN HALF!"
Amber: "WHAT THE HELL!"

(While watching an episode of X-Files in which a girl is being followed by a dead guy that was a father figure to her)
The Girl on TV: "Sometimes I can even smell his cologne..."
Me: "And sometimes he kills people for me."
Dad: "And sometimes he farts, too. You haven't smelt a fart until you've smelt a DEAD man's fart."

See which Akatsuki member you are the most like.

Pein
[X] -I am the leader/boss of a group, club, friends, etc.
[ ] -I have a piercing(s).
[ ] - My natural hair colour is red, ginger or auburn.
[ ] -My eyes are gray.
[X] -My closest friend is a girl.
[X] - I'm a very secretive person.
[X] - I like it when it rains.

[Pein Score: 4]

Konan
[X] - Most of my friends are guys.
[X] - Origami RULES!
[ ] - I know how to make at least 5 different origami objects.
[ ] - I love flowers!
[ ] - My closest friend is a guy.
[X] - I don't like having my photo taken.
[ ] - I don't like water, swimming, etc.

[Konan Score: 3]

Itachi Uchiha
[ ] - My younger sibling(s) bother(s) me a lot.
[ ] - Many people find me attractive.
[X] - I'm quiet and very mature for my age.
[ ] - I don't actually like fighting, though I can fight.
[X] - I don't care what you think, Kisame is cool.
[X] - I'm the top of my class. Intelligence.
[ ] - My natural hair colour is black.

[Itachi Uchiha Score: 3]

Kisame Hoshigaki
[X] - Sharks are AWESOME!
[X] - I like gore :3
[X] - I dislike my own appearance. I'm ugly! :(
[X] - Underwater in the ocean is a beautiful scenery.
[X] - Once someone gets to know me, I'm a pretty nice person.
[X] - I'm the tallest of my friends who are the same gender.
[X] - I like water sports.

[Kisame Hoshigaki Score: 7]

Sasori
[X] - I look young for my age.
[X] - Puppets are fascinating...
[X] - I'm very impatient.
[ ] - I hate that bitch, Sakura Haruno.
[ ] - My Grandma annoys me.
[ ] - I'm the smallest of my friends.
[X] - Loud noises/people annoy me.

[Sasori Score: 4]

Deidara
[X] - I'm an artist.
[X] - I like and appreciate art.
[ ] - My natural hair colour is blonde/dirty blonde.
[X] - I have blue eyes.
[X]- I'm the youngest in my group of friends.
[ ] - I hate Tobi.
[X]- I have a friend who hangs around and annoys me.

[Deidara Score: 5]

Kakuzu
[X] - I'm a saver, not a spender.
[ ] - My eyes are either green or hazel.
[ ] - I have had stitches.
[ ] - I hate Hidan.
[X] - Younger people (or children) tend to tick me off.
[ ] - I am the oldest in my group of friends.
[ ] - My skin is dark or tanned.

[Kakuzu Score: 2]

Hidan
[X] - I have a cussing/swearing problem.
[ ] - I hate Kakuzu.
[X] - I hate so many people and hate them so much, that I probably have my own hit-list.
[ ] - I am religious.
[X] - I am very strong-willed.
[ ] - I have cut myself on purpose before.
[X] - I'm very prone to accidents.

[Hidan Score: 4]

Zetsu
[ ] - I have a split personality. Two sides.
[X] - Nature is AWESOME!
[X] - I'm usually alone.
[X] - I don't mind the company of others.
[X] - I don't have many friends.
[X] - Tobi is not that bad.
[X] - I WON'T eat the veggies! Meat all the way, man!

[Zetsu Score: 6]

Tobi
[ ] - I'm always hyperactive.
[ ] - I have a particular person who I like to pester.
[ ] - People often mistake me for someone else or say I look like someone.
[ ] - I LOVE the colour orange.
[ ] - I'm rarely sad and always optimistic.
[X] - TOBI IS A GOOD BOY! :D

[Tobi Score: 1]

Orochimaru
[ ] - I'm attracted to younger people.
[X] - I have a very pale skin colour.
[X] - Snakes are AWESOME!
[ ] - I love/like Sasuke Uchiha.
[X] - Micheal Jackson is AWESOME!
[X] - I'm very motivated, nothing will stop me from reaching my goals.
[X] - People think I'm twisted or insane.

[Orochimaru Score: 5]

See which Team Seven member you are the most like.

Naruto
[ ] - Orange. Hell to the yes.
[ ] - I'm a blond.
[X] - I could eat ramen every day.
[ ] - I have a pretty short attention span.
[ ] - I tend to get into a lot of trouble.
[ ] - I want to be somebody important one day. I want to make a difference.
[ ] - My inside voice is just as loud as my outside voice.

[Naruto Score: 1]

Sasuke
[ ] - I hate/fight with my siblings.
[ ] - My hair is black.
[X] - I dislike people in general.
[ ] - I have many admirers.
[X] - Tomatoes are the food of the gods.
[X] - My friends are annoying. (Or some of them, at least.)
[X] - If I'm not the best, then I'm not satisfied.

[Sasuke Score: 4]

Sakura
[ ] - I have green eyes.
[X] - Most of my friends are guys.
[X] - I'm not afraid to yell at and/or hit people who deserve it.
[ ] - I want to be a doctor/nurse/healthcare professional.
[X] - I'm stronger than I look.
[X] - My temper has a pretty short fuse.
[X] - I'm more intelligent than most of my friends.

[Sakura Score: 5]

Kakashi
[ ] - I have a lot of regrets in life.
[ ] - Punctuality isn't really that important to me.
[ ] - I'm the oldest of all of my friends.
[ ] - I can charm my way out of anything.
[X] - I am or want to be a teacher.
[X] - People look up to me.
[ ] - I enjoy reading literature of the mature variety.

[Kakashi Score: 2]

Sai
[X] - I don't really know how to react in emotional situations.
[X] - I'm bad at making friends.
[ ] - One of my closest friends or siblings has died.
[X] - People confuse me.
[X] - I like to draw/paint.
[ ] - I'm one of the newest members in my group of friends.
[X] - I have paler skin than most of the people I know.

[Sai Score: 5]

Yamato
[ ] - I'm a tree hugger.
[X] - My hair is naturally brown.
[X] - I'm very calm in stressful situations.
[ ] - I love architecture.
[X] - I'm not above intimidating people to get my way.
[X] - I respect my elders.
[ ] - I'm susceptible to flattery.

[Yamato Score: 4]

STORY PICTURES:

Simplicity Pics:

Sakura Bell Test Outfit - by me

Sakura, Sasori, and "Seigi" - by me

Sakura Time-Skip Outfit - by me

Shizuku Oite Hana Pics:

Sakura and Yahiko - by me

Sakura - by me

Sakura, Yahiko, and Satori - by me

Other:

Tempest - a picture I drew for Thirrin73's fanfic of the same title, which is amazing.

Any and all fanart would be greatly appreciated and will earn the artist a one/two-shot. :D

The lovely ya-cho has translated Simplicity into Vietnamese! Check it out here!

The equally lovely Shisuinstar has translated A Nightmare on Leaf Street into Spanish! Check it out here!

And the awesome eragon456 will be using Higurashi ga Naku Akazu no Mori e from my poetry!fic Madness and Magic in one of her future fics!