Author has written 4 stories for Fairy Tales, and Star Wars.
On a Myer's hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Darn, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Chips: "You could be a winner! No purchase nessasary! Details inside. (The shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Use like regular soap." (And that would be how?)
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But it's just a suggestion.)
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Well, duh! A bit late for that huh?)
On Marks and Spencer Bread pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (And you thought...)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (Right. We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts!)
On Nytol Sleeping Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One can only hope!)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to... what?)
On packets of Nobby's Peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash!)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
On a Japanese food processor:
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
On a child's superman costume:
On a Swedish chainsaw:
On T-Rat (Military food):
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Man: Is this seat empty?
Man: Your place or mine?
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Paradoxes of the English Language:
There's no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England, or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, and two geese. So one moose, and two meese, and one index, and two indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? That you comb through the annals of history but not a single annal?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it!
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