Author has written 26 stories for Kuroshitsuji, Mermaid Melody Pichi Pichi Pitch, and Katekyo Hitman Reborn!.
Tell us about yourself.
I'm currently a postgraduate student taking Psychology in the UK :) So far it's been a ride knowing the slang and culture and the people here.
Really that's it?
Well, I get really awkward doing interviews so (laughs).
It does get intimidating especially when people look at your profile.
Yeah, honestly I want to be like the other writers I know. Most of the time I really don't have anything clever or funny to say. I'm bad at this shit (laughs).
So basically, you've been in the KHR fandom for almost eight years now. That's such a long time!
I know right? I've been trying to leave honestly (laughs) but can't because I've still got stuff to finish. I've also deleted a ton of fics during my stay here on FFn. They probably won't see the light of day because I couldn't execute all the grand bullshit I concocted. The landscape sure has changed. Before, it was easy sharing the stuff I post because anyone will leave feedback. Now no matter how much effort I pour, it's really not that worth it (laughs). I really don't like writing mainstream content. That's why I'm not too sure if I should even bothering telling you this. I'm so exhausted.
And yet you're still here.
(Laughs) yeah. I still have to tie up some loose ends. I promised myself that I will finish one last multific. It's something I've been wanting to write even years ago when I was starting out in the fandom. I never got the guts then because I couldn't think of anything that wouldn't make Hibari Kyoya OOC. Honestly, I was really scared to even post something after two years of hiatus. It was only when a friend told me to finish it that I reposted it and rewrote a lot of things. It's really frustrating at first. My friend was the only one commenting the second time around and I felt so bad it's almost like I was forcing her to review. But you know, the more I poured myself into it, like that 27K fic I finished years ago which I wasn't too sure at writing for initially, I fell in love with the fic and thought less about the lack of feedback. It was the first time I actually did a ton of research, mostly about psychopathology and then some about memory and regret and bits of Theology and Philosophy. It's not that in-depth, LOL disclaimer. But yeah, it made me fall in love with writing. The people who occasionally dropped by and left reviews made my heart full, you know? Like it made me appreciate my writing in general.
For my other recent fics though not so much. I did those shit in less than two days the maximum. Not something to crow about.
You sound like you didn't really like writing the stuff you produced at first.
Yep, I don't (laughs). I guess it's because I write for KHR quite differently compared to my two past fandoms and my future ones (
Ok so let's turn to writing. What do you usually like writing about?
I like doing character-driven stories. Most of the people who've read my shit would notice that I rarely describe my settings (laughs). With the exception of WIDWND and WRE where I have to try my best giving glimpses of the settings, I usually give more importance to how each character relationship develops. Namesake's one clusterfuck of my HS drama lol and through writing that I found out how much I adore writing dialogue (it's pretty obvious lol). I've been trying to write like my fave fanfic author who could fucking bare open her charas in just a few lines but yeah, I'm not good at describing shit (laughs). I'm more of a first-person writer and that's why it's so hard for me at the moment to characterize them through the stuff they spout. This was difficult for me especially in writing Hibari because we all know he's a man of few words lol. I've written Hibari in a ton of my stuff but never as a main character (
Aside from my fics being character driven I love the themes of nostalgia and regret. I'm usually a person who hates crying over spilt milk but I'm endlessly fascinated by the amount of depth and maturity those themes give in any story. I've read this before in an Uchuu Kyodai review from my fave anime blogger: "The best anime about adults tend to dwell on the fact that we build up regrets as we get older, and we’re always carrying them around with us – like a feather-light backpack that grows and grows with the weight of regrets accumulated, becoming a heavier and heavier burden to carry. There’s no reason young people should know that – and frankly, I don’t blame them for not wanting to watch shows about it."
I was really dumbfounded because those words were damn spot on and I can never be as eloquent. To describe my past fascination with it, I guess it's because I love writing tragic backstories and twist endings where either the supporting character dies or the main character and everyone else dies in the end. I was too nihilistic for my own good, but then real life gave me a really good suckerpunch and made me see how self-defeating and condescending that train of thought was. So nowadays, I try to balance the tone between light and dark. Heck, my Hibari fic is the darkest and deepest fic I've ever planned finishing (SFST in my drafts was a lot darker but the themes aren't as explored as in WIDWND) but I still add light and hopeful moments just because. Bojack Horseman is one of the best shit I've ever consumed when it came to doing that balancing act and still retaining the deep feelz, so I try doing that too (
Oh my gosh, I've said so much (laughs). Also, I like writing and reading about people beating each other up. Making it dramatic is also my kink (laughs).
You used to write romance fics but with all your current works there's barely any hint of them at all.
Let's just say post-Namesake, I've realized how stupid I was at imagining love (laughs). But yeah, honestly I want to write about female characters. It's just so hard given that I don't really like any female character in KHR (except Daniela). And honestly for me, my only OTP in KHR is 5995. I've fangirled about them a lot in Namesake and even in WRE, so let's leave it at that. As for future romance fics... we'll see (winks).
What are your goals for this year?
I just want to finish my Hibari fic (laughs) since that's the most demanding one I've done. Aside from that, I want to finish two more fics and then I'll be quitting FFn. I've made up my mind to move on from KHR to other fandoms. Again, I don't think I'll ever make up shit the same way I've made up shit in KHR. I don't want to write fanfics to become a better writer now. I just want to have fun and write trash fics.
Wow, that's sad.
It's ok. I know I'm a quitter. Real life's just too overwhelming and much more exciting than it used to be back when I was in my peak of FFn fervor. I'm happier there.
But here you are.
Yeah, back in my rabbit hole again. I'll be okay though. I've finally accepted that I don't belong in KHR anymore. I've outgrown the fandom, now that I think about it. But you're right, here I am.
Here I fucking am. And here I fucking go, one last time.