Author has written 1 story for Naruto.
WRITING FAN FICTION IS NOT A REPLACEMENT FOR LEGITIMATE PSYCHIATRIC TREATMENT. GET HELP.
The manga went to shit for me right around the Sasuke Retrieval arc. I stopped reading it altogether around chapter 420, and I had pretty much lost interest a year or so before that. It took Kishimoto 10 years to start adding any real details to the back-story - and when he finally did, it took him about 10 minutes to realize he'd fucked up, and start changing things all over again. This final spin, pitching the whole thing like the story of Ninja!Jesus and saying that Konoha actually had a long tradition of Kyuubi jinchuuriki? Not only does Kishi defenestrate everything you thought you knew about the manga, but he invalidates the original Naruto character as well - making his experience pointless and absurd. The worst part is, when a plot is this horrendously awful, you can't help but suspect that it is intentional - and I can't decide whether he was inspired by the (2nd) worst fanfic I have ever read in my life, or the best black humor.
It’s a shame, though - I really thought that the original premise had potential.
I don't consider myself a 'writer'. I have no illusions about that. I'm just a reader who is tired of seeing the same moronic pap, recycled and repackaged over and over again. I don't think that these little stories of mine are all that original, really; maybe you've had some of the same ideas yourself. But it's so frustrating, trying to find 'my' kind of story on this site. Why should NaruHina fans (and their ilk) have it so easy? I'm just blowing off steam.
And that's the whole point of Returning the Pain, really: payback for having to wade through so much crap, trying to find a decent story.
If you don't like it, write something better. As I keep saying, I would much rather be reading than writing.
But just so we're clear - You brought this on yourself.
RtP Story Notes
"I am writing this solely for my own amusement." I say a lot of things things simply for effect. I'm not writing a freaking thesis here.
I cranked out the original 100 stories in just over a month, writing 1-2 hours a night, just to see what I could come up with. They aren't going to change your life - though I would certainly be happy if they would change your writing habits. I'm writing crap fics that revolve around the most obvious and overused clichés and plot-holes in the Narutoverse. (The whole point behind RtP is that everyone has already seen this rubbish a hundred times before. Read the title, for god's sake!) If you get a chuckle out of it -or maybe an idea for a new story (hint, hint)- and it helps to keep some of this trash out of your own writing? Then it has served its purpose.
There is a difference between reading and watching TV. I'm putting in some effort here - and I expect the reader to bring something to the table, as well. If you want to be spoon-fed, go watch television.
Criticism and suggestions (regarding the writing, Smart Ass) are always welcome. I'll be the first to say that my writing is for shit, and if you can come up with a jazzier punchline or some other improvement, I'd be plumb tickled to hear it. You can even flame, if you must; but remember: if you can't say something nice, at least make as much effort attempting to be amusing as I do.
More of You to Love
The sphincter is a muscle, right?
Okay, so the gag was pretty obvious, and I beat the 'traumatizing sexual experience with a clone' bit to death in other chapters (which were written first, BTW, but thanks to the miracle of editing now appear later, sequentially); but I had a request for a 'Harem' fic, and the guy reviewed damn near every chapter, so...
"Huh. Apparently, the solution was that obvious, after all."
Tastes like Chicken
The title is a stupid play on "Payable on Demand" ("P.O.D.") =
The Man with Two Brains
Naruto, with the Kyuubi sealed inside him, could also be said to have two brains - as well as two sources of chakra, which is how he overcame the effects of the Jyuuken and defeated Neji.
They Have That on the Internets Now?
When You Have the Same Eyes I Have - Perspective II
Honestly, how much plainer does it have to be?
For the most part, it seems like people who are big fans of NaruHina are big supporters of mediocre characters in general (Hinata, Iruka, Lee, Chouji, Shino, Konohamaru) - and virulent detractors of talented or 'popular' characters (Sasuke, Kakashi, Ino, Sakura [because Naruto likes her]). They even try to downplay Naruto's special talents: they say that Naruto won't use Kyuubi's chakra because it is 'borrowed' power, and he won't use the Tajū Kage Bunshin to train because it is 'cheating'.
None of these people were, actually.
We're Number One! (Or at Least, We Will Be)
"And that Hinata girl certainly wouldn't need much more than a scroll on poisons and a push in the right direction..."
The Hyuuga can see virtually 360 degrees, through anything, for several kilometers. How is there anything going on in the village that the Hokage is not aware of?
First, You Have to Get his Attention
Pale-Eyed Freak VII
"Sasuke, whose knife-hand was still firmly and inextricably entrenched in the smoking remains of the now-defunct Hyuuga's skull, was similarly (though not quite as literally) gob-smacked."
That's Different, Dammit!
What Happens in Tanzaku Gai
That's another one of my favorite lines from RtP.
I SUCK AT SUMMARIES!
Hyuchiacest gone wild!
Legendary Sucker I
"Cop Cards" are like baseball cards, with info on local police officers; they are generally distributed in public schools through anti-drug abuse campaigns ("D.A.R.E.").
The reason Itachi and Yondaime are wild cards is because, while most people see them one way, certain people (like Naruto and Sasuke) could very well see them another. (Everyone sees Yondaime as a hero, but Naruto -living with the consequences of the Shiki Fuujin- might have other ideas.)
Evil Naruto I
Back to the Drawing Board (That's Different, Dammit! II)
I can't argue with that.
And for all you other wannabe quantum physicists out there, trying to convince me how great the Hiraishin is?
You're pretty much just proving the point of the story - and completely missing the point of the A.N.
A Big Misunderstanding
Sympathy for the Devil
The Name's Not Familiar, But the Face Rings a Bell
Quasimodo, the church's bell-ringer had passed away, and the bishop had posted the vacant position. A man with no arms came in wanting to apply. The clergy weren't sure the guy could manage, but he convinced them to let him try, anyway.
Eyes on the Prize
Is it not clear what's going on here, or is it simply that no one else finds this mental image as funny as I do?
He's a Real Bastard - Believe It!
I wanted to work in Minato referring to Naruto as 'Burrito' (as with 'Kucina', 'Kachina', and 'Menudo'), but alas, I didn't see any opportunity to make it happen.
Pein, Pein, Pein, Pein
You should be able to look up X-Ray Specs® on your own. (The photo of the novelty eyewear is what sells the gag.)
Oops, Got Some on Your Chin There
VotE III - Put it on My Bill
Hard to Replace? Try Wal-Mart
O.C., Can You Say?
"It was all stuff they had done -or could easily do- themselves, and no one was interested in hearing about the 'adventures' of this complete stranger. The whole reason they had come here in the first place was to catch up with old friends and hear their latest stories, after all."
Generally speaking, canon characters can almost always be written in such a way as to fill whatever role you intended for your OCs. And no one came here to read about your OCs.
Promise of a Lifetime
What's in a Name
Your mother. Heh-heh.
What's in a Name II
Iruka is Japanese for Dolphin
Knowing Who Your Friends Are
'Bingo' is an English language children's song of obscure origin. In most modern forms, the song involves spelling the name of a dog (Bingo), with an increasing number of letters replaced with hand claps on each repetition. "And Bingo was his name-o," is part of the chorus.
'Bingo!' is also an expression (derived from the lottery-style game of the same name) used to acknowledge someone's sudden understanding or correct response: Bingo! That's just what I was thinking!
Sounds Like My Ex
Like the Severely Constipated Man Said, I've Been Waiting Eleven Years for this Crap?
Protecting the King
"Hail to the king, Baby."
Because We Won Because We're the Good Guys Because We Won Because We're the Good Guys Because We Won Because
Let's agree to never again mention Kishi's terrific idea that the Senju and the Uchiha were actually brothers all along.
Seriously, there's 'beating an idea to death', and then there's Kishimoto. I have no doubt that his next move will be to reveal that Minato was actually a descendant of the Senju clan - so that Naruto and Sasuke can be literal 'brothers'. He just keeps shoving that crap down your throat. We get it already!
Meh. Maybe I'll work on a 'Pale-Eyed Freak' story. Those always cheer me up.
The Power of Electricity... In My Pants
The Mangekyou techniques just come with the eyeball, right? The user doesn't create those, does he?
Pure Evil - That's Not What They Said in the Papers III
And (since I haven't read the manga in a couple of years) was Minato actually in the shinigami's stomach or not?
Traditional Japanese folktales use repetitive imagery and phrasing formulaically, to aid storyteller memorization and sustain the leitmotif (akin to western fairytales using the “Once upon a time,” format). I do not feel that I was successful in duplicating this effect.
“Utinam populus Romanus unam cervicem haberet!”
“…is that your game, you yellow snake?"
Be Careful What You Ask For
The rant is the story in this case, while the story itself is clearly an unfinished draft (though some people make that same complaint of all my stories). The concept just didn't bear thinking about any more.
'Didactic'. Look it up. (It is a joke. 'Sententious' may have been funnier, but it might not have looked as much like a 'fake' word to Naruto.)
"an insect 1/ 5,579,186.15 his size..."
RotFL: "Holy shit!" he cried "I've turned into Orochimaru!"
Head Over Heels
"the S-class missing-nin's foul-mouthed coconut..."
The Truth is Where You Find It
Change is for the Weak
Naramyon suggested a sweet video for your further amusement (search 'Validation by hughnewman1024' on YouTube).
The Melodrama of Uzumaki Naruto
A Fongul: derived from the Italian curse, Affanculo or Vaffanculo, which translates to ‘F* it’, or ‘Go f* yourself’. It is improper Italian-American dialect.
In the Telephone video, is Lady Gaga doing the dance from the Haruhi Suzumiya anime opening?
Speaking of which, check YouTube for (Haruhi Dance NixFactor) or (Haruhi Dance CPDRC). Prisoners (all men) at Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center (Cebu, Philippines) dancing the Hare Hare Yukai.
Credit Where Credit is Due
Unless you have just suffered some kind of brain aneurysm, you are well aware that I actually have said all of this dozens of times before, between the stories, the A.N.s, this Profile, the Forum and PMs - explicitly and in excruciating detail. And yet, in one of the very first reviews for the chapter, some fucktard (one of the ass-hats who keeps asking me this same question over and over) has the stones to say, "Well, garsh; why didn't you say something sooner?"
Only with the Heart
I Have My Own Dream!
I am presenting Madara as the Sandaime Mizukage here. Since Kishi shows him wearing traditional samurai yoroi (armor) in his early days, it seems reasonable that his original mask might be the sōmen - maybe even the karasu tengu.
The Rookie 9 are Special
Asuma wanted to score with Kurenai, so he was going to take her out for dinner; but when he realized that she was too dumb to figure out Naruto's relationship to Yondaime (let alone the significance of the jinchuuriki thing), he figured, 'why bother?'.
No One's Tool But My Own
Rout = noun 1) a defeat attended with disorderly flight; dispersal of a defeated force in complete disorder. 2) any overwhelming defeat. 3) a tumultuous or disorderly crowd of persons. 4) the rabble or mob. 5) Law: a disturbance of the public peace by three or more persons acting together in a manner that suggests an intention to riot although they do not actually carry out the intention. 6) a large, formal evening party or social gathering. 7) Archaic: a company or band of people.
Bonus! Rejected final scene:
He's Kind of a Tool, II - The Omake
The shadow of the dome of pleasure
Above and Beyond the Underneath
I keep six honest serving-men
Ricky Ricardo = a character played by Desi Arnaz in the television show I Love Lucy. He is the husband of Lucy Ricardo (played by Lucille Ball, the actor's RL wife at the time).
Seiza = "the Japanese term for the traditional formal way of sitting in Japan. To sit seiza-style, one first kneels on the floor, folding one's legs underneath one's thighs, while resting the buttocks on the heels. The ankles are turned outward as the tops of the feet are lowered so that, in a slight "V" shape, the tops of the feet are flat on the floor and big toes are overlapped, and the buttocks are finally lowered all the way down. Depending on the circumstances, the hands are folded modestly in the lap, or are placed palm down on the upper thighs with the fingers close together, or are placed on the floor next to the hips, with the knuckles rounded and touching the floor. The back is kept straight, though not unnaturally stiff. Traditionally, women sit with the knees together while men separate them slightly. Some martial arts, notably kendō, aikidō, and iaidō, may prescribe up to two fist widths of distance between the knees." -Wikipedia
Bonus! Alternate ending:
Senken Goroshi = 1,000 Fists of Death
Opportunity Knocks - with All Sixty-Four Palms
A lot of people bust on Neji because he's 'mean' to Hinata - but if you're going to try to tell me that if you were in Neji's position, you wouldn't resent Hinata? I'll tell you that you're talking out your ass.
Neji and the slavery of the Branch family were supposed to be the focus of the story; but it ended up being more about the illusion of free will.
There is a chain of events that binds his destiny as securely as any slave's shackles: it is almost inevitable that Neji will kill Hinata. Yet the irony is, he still considers this his one moment of freedom. That says something very profound about the nature of life, to me.
In canon, the Hyuuga Elders had decided to sacrifice Hizashi in Hiashi's place - and this is the version of the story that Neji knew.
In the alternate version that Hiashi told Neji after Naruto beat him in the Finals, Hizashi said that he would choose to sacrifice himself for his brother -despite still hating the Main house- because doing so was his only chance to act freely. (The Existentialists would call this 'changing your project' - though to me, it smacks of bad faith.)
I think that there are some interesting parallels and contrasts in this story.
Pale-Eyed Freak IX
Terms/Phrases Most Often Used Incorrectly
You are on the internet right now. If you don’t understand something, look it up!
Story –noun 1. a narrative, either true or fictitious, in prose or verse, designed to interest, amuse, or instruct the hearer or reader; tale. 2. a fictitious tale, shorter and less elaborate than a novel. 3. such narratives or tales as a branch of literature: song and story. 4. the plot or succession of incidents of a novel, poem, drama, etc.: The characterizations were good, but the story was weak. 5. a narration of an incident or a series of events or an example of these that is or may be narrated, as an anecdote, joke, etc. 6. a narration of the events in the life of a person or the existence of a thing, or such events as a subject for narration: the story of medicine; the story of his life. 7. a report or account of a matter; statement or allegation: The story goes that he rejected the offer.
Ramen: Does Naruto actually love the cheap, filling food, or does he just act like he does, so people won't realize that it is one of the few meals he can actually buy? Is his appetite for the stuff grossly exaggerated for comic effect? Is he really going to eat enough of the stuff to bankrupt anyone? (Do the math: about $4.00 for a bowl at a ramen-ya like Ichiraku's; about $0.28 for the cheap packaged stuff.)
Sarutobi: If Sarutobi revealed Naruto's parentage, he would have more external enemies but fewer internal enemies - and more people who would be willing to protect him, as the Yondaime's son. Would that make his life better or worse? It looks like this is another secret that is being kept not to protect Naruto, but to protect Konoha. OTOH, considering that he is basically a walking atom bomb, you would think that treating him nice and trying to win his favor toward the village would probably be a good idea. What is Sarutobi's agenda?
Cheerfulness: Personally, I prefer to see Naruto finally acting like there is a limit to how much shit he will put up with. (Seriously, thousands of stories and he NEVER fights back when the villagers are giving him grief? Have none of these writers ever babysat for a 2-year old before?)
Competence: It's amazing how many writers "don't like Sasuke," then proceed to make Naruto act just like him. Their Naruto is constantly glaring, smirking, rolling his eyes and making sarcastic comments. These are actually very unattractive, juvenile qualities.
Uzumaki: So, you say that Yondaime was married to Kushina, but he had so many enemies, he had to keep it a big secret? Sure. That's why none of the other kage hide their families (even the ones with sons/brothers/whatever that are jinchuuriki).
Orphan: Generally speaking, the experience of being an orphan (losing your loved ones, being shunted from one foster-family or orphanage to the next, the concomitant abandonment issues, potential abuse by care-givers, etc.) tends to make people less trusting, less open, less outgoing, and more introverted. Yet somehow, the complete opposite appears to be true for Naruto.
'Solid' Henge: I know you all love those, "If Naruto was a girl, I could fantasize about him taking it in the butt and it wouldn't make me gay!" stories. Sorry - You're still gay. Get over it. It's just a regular henge. Sasuke simply layered a genjutsu over his Kage Shuriken no Jutsu against Zabuza. (There. That should finally put an end to all of that, "And then Naruto henge'd into a mosquito" nonsense.)
Kyuubi Clones: How the hell can Naruto's clones manifest Kyuubi traits/chakra? Kyuubi is a separate entity, whatever booyah you want to believe about the Shiki Fuujin 'binding their souls'. And Kyuubi is locked away behind the seal. So how can Naruto clone the damn Fox? That's the only way his clones would be able to manifest Kyuubified traits.
What's especially fucked up about this is, it seems like early on Kishi says that the clones can't use the red chakra - but later, during Naruto's wind affinity training with Kakashi and Yamato, his clones can use the red chakra (to the extent that they do become Kyuubified). WTF?
Healing: If you're going to say that, "Naruto can absorb the memories from a thousand clones because Kyuubi's chakra heals his brain," then why wouldn't Kyuubi be making other (not-so-nice) changes to his brain, as well? Why would Kyuubi even bother, if the seal is powered by Naruto's will? Hell, let the kid turn himself into a vegetable - then take your time, beating down those crumbling bars.
Hektols makes a good argument for the healing factor being Naruto's, not Kyuubi's: he can use it even when cut off from Kyuubi's chakra; Kyuubi's chakra is toxic, not healing; it makes more sense than saying that the seal "trusts" Kyuubi's chakra to heal Naruto (without playing any shenanigans).
But let's look at another side of Sasuke, that doesn't get examined much: everybody thinks Sasuke is a rotten guy because he tells Naruto, "You couldn't possibly understand me! You never even had a family! How would you know what it's like to lose everything, if you've never had anything to begin with?"
Naruto has a very explicit crush on Sakura all through part one, and into part two. Yet compare the number of ship fics that give him what he wants, to the number that give Hinata what she wants.
Still, as far as Sakura’s character development goes?
OTOH, it's amazing how many people are utterly convinced that, since Sakura and Ino were fangirls when they were 12 and not really sincere in their efforts to be kunoichi, they can never change.
I really hate the 3rd. That phony 'grandfather' act makes me want to puke. He is a cold, manipulative bastard with an agenda, just like canon Danzo - they are 2 sides to the same coin. He glibly tells the world that Naruto is a walking atom bomb/jinchuuriki, but then says he can't reveal Naruto's parentage because THAT might cause problems. (Seriously, which is worse?) He makes sure the kid is utterly defenseless, strips him of his family, heritage, inheritance, and any chance of a normal life. But hey, a couple times a year he spends a buck and buys the kid a bowl of ramen. What a guy. "Sorry I spilled the beans about the Shiki Fuujin and everyone treats you like crap, Naruto; but here's some cheap-ass soup to make up for it." And then he's got the freaking balls on him to tell the kid that, “the Hokage has to care for everyone in the village, like family.” What an evil prick. Now you know why he's the only kage to become old enough to retire, when the average life expectancy for a ninja is probably 30.
Let's make this easy. You think Sarutobi did 'everything he could' for Naruto? Buying groceries seems to be a common D-rank mission. Naruto apparently had trouble buying groceries and supplies for himself. So why not assign a regular D-rank to go shopping for the Hokage? No one would even need to know he was doing it for Naruto.
Yeah. Thanks for nothing, you bastard.
(There are a couple of stories on this site that started off really well from this premise; unfortunately, they crapped out for other reasons.)
But even if you want to see Danzo as a comic book bad guy (which, duh, he is), he was still the only one in the whole village who had confidence in Naruto and wanted to help make his dream - to be the strongest ninja in the village - come true.
No one actually likes Hinata's character - that's why she is so OOC in all of these crap fanfics; but it seems that a lot of people here identify with this pathetic loser, who -rather than making any effort- expects to obtain the object of her desire by simply wishing for it.
In canon she had less talent and personality than a cardboard box. Hiashi paid Kurenai to take her off his hands, because he thought it would be more honorable to have her die on a mission as a genin than live as an abject failure.
Sakura and Ino (and God knows who else) beat Hinata out for top marks in academics and practical skills amongst kunoichi in the Academy. We're not talking a spar against Hiashi or even Neji - We're talking Sakura and Ino. That is pathetic.
God, I despise Hinata. Everyone says she watched Naruto all the time, saw everything that happened to him, how he was treated, yatta yatta yatta. But did she ever say one word to help him, in 400+ chapters? No. Because she didn't WANT to help him. She doesn't love Naruto - she worships him. She's waiting for the villagers to kill him so that she can start her own Naruto religion, and tell everyone how he was always brave and kind and always kept fighting (until they killed him, anyway) - and she alone, mealy-mouthed little Hinata, always knew it. And then she will finally get the vicarious attention and respect that she could never earn for herself.
And pairing Naruto and Hinata? That’s just absurd. If Naruto were the kind of guy that ‘needed’ Hinata (as people keep trying to tell me) - i.e., a sniveling emo crybaby - he would not be the guy Hinata is supposedly attracted to: confident, optimistic and indomitable.
And Naruto’s going to want someone bright and loud and fun - the things he wants more of in his life - not someone who reminds him of being alone, and most assuredly not someone who is unwilling to stand up for herself. (Look how much Inari pissed him off with that very same attitude.)
So stop deluding yourself. The Hero is not interested in the Wallflower. Get off the computer and get a job, or go take a couple of classes or something.
(Every time I get a 3-page email from some ardent NaruHinatard arguing that "In Chapter 80, page 6, panel 2, you can clearly see by the expression on Hinata's face that she has become much more confident and determined. So you are WAY out of line saying that she never changed!", this section gets a little bit longer. It's not much, but it's kind of cathartic for me.)
But the worst thing is, I've actually had writers flat out tell me, "I don't really like Hinata, either; but I will include her in every story I write. She's a popular character, so that guarantees a lot of readers" (and a lot of squealing reviews). Which means, it's a self-perpetuating cycle.
(Kishimoto himself now says that he would have made Hinata the heroine rather than Sakura, after seeing the [rabid] 'fan support' for Hinata. That should explain a lot about the differences between the anime and the [early] manga.)
Now tell me, how would you react to that, if you were writing about over-used clichés in the Narutoverse?
Oh, what the hell - let's talk about the Branch House thing, while we're at it. The Hyuuga's 'Divided House' is slavery, pure and simple. If they were really just concerned about the eyes, all the Hyuuga would have the Caged Bird Seal - and it wouldn't have any of those nasty control/pain aspects built into it. The Main House just enjoys the luxury of having a sub-human servant class that is born to serve them (which is pretty much the definition of chattel slavery).
And any adult (i.e., above the age of consent or a shinobi) who stays in the Main House -such as Hinata- is tacitly endorsing and supporting that policy. If they truly were against it, they are the only ones who are free to walk away from it, and publicly embarrass the Main House by saying they would no longer be part of a clan that embraced enslaving their own kin; and if enough of them did that, the Main House would no longer have the power to oppress the Branch House. By staying, they are only perpetuating the cycle - not 'working toward changing things from the inside'. (God, that is such self-serving BS.)
It's hard to believe the Senju and the Uchiha let them get away with that crap (unless they simply couldn't figure out how to word 'no putting seals on/fooling around with the eyes of non-consenting family members' without ruling out jinchuuriki and the Mangekyou Sharingan).
That one arbitrary detail determined the circumstances of Neji's life. If Hizashi had been born first, Neji would have been the clan heir. But instead, Neji (considered the clan's prodigy) was relegated to being a slave in the Branch House and branded with the Caged Bird seal, while Hinata (considered weak and untalented) was made the clan heir: not based on merit; but simply because her father was born first.
And Neji's Branch House father was (supposedly) sacrificed to protect Hiashi (though that story certainly does not bear up under close scrutiny).
So of course Neji resents Hinata: she symbolizes the life he could have had, and everything that has been taken from him. And would he ever get another chance to rise up against her and the Main House, except for that match at the Chuunin Exams? Unlikely, with that seal on his head.
Hmmm. Take your one chance to strike a decisive blow against your oppressors, or accept your lot in life as a slave?
Neji may not have been as willing to accept his 'fate' as he wanted people to believe.
When trying to cast a 'smart' character, NaruHina fans prefer Shino to Shikamaru: he has no friends; he's kind of creepy; he's got the whole, over-sized coat and sunglasses thing going on; and frankly, Shikamaru's insight and innate intelligence intimidates them.
I'm not a fan of Slut!Anko. I think that Anko objectifies herself as an ad absurdam commentary on how people regard her (or perhaps, kunoichi in general). It is a more a way to hold people at arm's length, than draw them in. (Similar to Kakashi reading Icha-Icha in public, or Sasuke's grunted replies.)
But I think that there are probably a lot of ways that Orochimaru could be a more sympathetic character - and have more in common with Naruto than is initially apparent. Orochimaru was an orphan; with his ophidian looks and the sacrifices demanded by his summons, he may have been treated like a pariah in the village; he wanted to get stronger and learn a lot of jutsu; he wanted to be Hokage; he's been forced to fight his best friend/rival/teammate; he may have seen Sarutobi as a substitute father/grandfather figure. If a sympathetic Orochimaru came to Naruto instead of Mizuki, how might things have turned out?
Someone else had a story where they were laying out Madara's plans, and they said that Orochimaru had actually never left Akatsuki - 'leaving' the organization, forming Sound, taking Sasuke as his apprentice/host - that was all part of Madara's plan to keep Itachi off-balance and aligned with the Akatsuki. It was an interesting idea.
As far as Kakashi being a 'lousy' sensei goes: he never had a childhood; he was a prodigy who graduated the Academy at 5, was a chuunin at 8, and made jounin at 13. He was already Minato's apprentice for some time before Rin and Obito graduated and were added to form 'Team Minato'. He has never had another genin team.
Several writers have used the idea that Gai developed his 'challenges' as a way to break Kakashi out of his shell and help him to start interacting with his fellow Leaf nin on a more human level, and I still find that to be a reasonable and satisfying explanation. I do think there needs to be some kind of twist on Gai's part, however - I mean, seriously, that dude is just over the top.
And yeah, the whole, after-the-fact, "Jiraiya entrusted me with his dream of peace" thing that we never actually heard about while Jiraiya was still alive? Kishimoto can eat it.
But Zabuza has so much more potential. Before he was even enrolled in the Academy, he infiltrated the Mist Genin Exams and killed the entire graduating class: over 100 students. Why? So that they would be forced to acknowledge that the system was flawed and change it. That's some impressive leadership potential for a kid who was probably less than 8 years old. Were his own actions barbaric? As every kage knows, sometimes sacrifices have to be made in order to win the battle; and let's remember, these weren't innocent 'kids' - they were ready to kill their own friends and comrades in order to graduate. At least 50 would have been killed in the exam; so weigh an extra 50 of these questionable genin against the opportunity to change the very system that produced them. Zabuza made a difficult -but ultimately rational- decision.
Following up on this with an attempted coup against the Mizukage (again, in order to change the 'Bloody Mist'), and then taking mercenary work to raise funds for a second attempt shows his commitment to his cause and his people. Do you honestly think that no Konoha nin have ever been hired to assassinate a client's business rival?
(Okay - so now you know where my stories come from.)
The manga pretty much peaked with the Wave arc. Either Kishimoto has the most incredible sense of irony I've ever seen (Naruto & Co. kill off the only 2 people on the planet who actually personify his ideals, on his very first mission?!), or he's the worst. writer. ever.
No doubt Kishi has some historical Japanese literary reference to pull out of his ass, saying that Hung Lo, the famous samurai, loved to sing in the shower. And rap just makes that a contemporary reference. Even though the Naruto! setting appears to be some AU, industrial-era feudal Japanese society.
Personally, I think I like the Naruto & Ino pairing the most: given a little maturity, I think their personalities would mesh better than most others. Hanabi, Temari, TenTen, and even Sakura are other believable choices: strong, smart women who speak their minds.
So this is a military base, with a large percentage of military personnel and military-oriented families living there. And, as with most military bases, they require both mission and non-mission support services. Which in turn leads to the availability of 'non-essential' services. (Which usually means a lot of civilian liquor stores, bars, tattoo parlors and pawn shops.)
So who is calling the shots in Konoha - who is running the show?
Sarutobi would have been replaced in a coup by some ambitious jounin (and his crew) years ago if he were anything at all like the incompetent old paper-pusher most fanfics make him out to be.
Other Random Shit I haven't Gotten Around to Putting in a Story Yet
"Drop the genjutsu, we all know this is the 2nd floor."
Kakashi copied Itachi's Mangekyou Sharingan. It was his guilt over Obito's death that enabled him to do so. That's how he obtained it.
If you have a character under 30 say, "Oh, don't call me _-san; it makes me feel old!" (or whatever), please be sure you are trying to write a puffed up little wanker who gets beat up a lot.
Sasuke Retrieval Arc: Kishimoto has this big build-up of how 'Konoha's strength lies in its emphasis on teamwork' - if they work together, a team of genin has a chance (albeit a small one) of bringing down a jounin. So what is the first thing that these rookie genin do when they are sent to engage Orochimaru's crack team of elite bodyguards? They split up, to fight them one-on-one. o.O Is there a reasonable way to write this, that doesn't end with them all getting slaughtered?
If you PM a writer asking to use one of his ideas, but make it fairly obvious that you have absolutely no clue what his work is about and don't bother to leave feedback for his stories - you really just come off looking like a complete cretin.
Yaoi: okay, since most yaoi fans are supposedly girls - exactly how low does your self-esteem have to be for you to not even have a starring role in your own fantasies?
I find it interesting that the narcissism and egotism endemic to this site are -contrary to expectation- more pronounced among the readers than among the writers.
There is a difference between reading and watching television. Literature really is all about the 'underneath the underneath'. My stories are crap, but even I choose one word instead of another, or try to stage things in a certain way, in order to achieve a certain effect. If you just skim the text as fast as you can, you're missing most of the real content. Better literature actually makes you want to read slower, not faster. It gives you more time to think about what you're reading.
Favorite Quote from a Naruto FanFic
Favorite Quote from a Review
The Story I Want to Read
(That's a challenge. Is no one getting this?)
Naruto: Naruto is not an idiot, he does not have some kind of allergic reaction that prevents him from using all of his strongest moves, he is not an emo crybaby, and he actually reaches a point where he stops taking people’s shit. (He does not act like Sasuke, however.)
No NaruHina, no Fem!Naru, no Yaoi, no MPREG, no Self-Insert, no 1st Person POV, no gratuitous OCs
If you can't give a reasonable explanation for a character performing an action, simply have them perform more reasonable actions.
Sasuke: Sasuke -not Itachi- kills the Uchiha clan. (Face it, the whole, 'Test my capacity' thing just suits Sasuke’s 'Fight me!' character much better.)
Danzo: Danzo is not 'Evil'. He’s a dark character, running a truly clandestine black-ops unit that performs the missions that Konoha would not want to be publicly identified with; but he is only trying to ensure Konoha’s survival in a hostile world. (Real ninja are faceless, and operate in the shadows -or right under your nose- without being seen. The 'Rookie 9' and their ilk are part of the public relations dog-and-pony show; they take the flashy missions -and the limelight- so that Konoha comes off looking like the 'Good Guys'. Meanwhile, they've got 3 Ne squads shadowing every mission in case things go south.)
Sandaime: Sarutobi manipulated Naruto his whole life: telling the villagers about the seal, not telling the villagers about Naruto’s parents, not giving Naruto anything more than the barest means of support. Naruto finally calls him out on it.
Hinata: we will assume that Hinata was killed in the Cloud kidnapping attempt. (Or by Hanabi, for the 'Eternal Byakugan'.) She is gone forever, never coming back. She does not appear in this story.
Everyone Else: All of the canon Naruto characters are completely self-absorbed and narcissistic, with no regard whatsoever for what may happen to others as they pursue their own selfish desires. They all betray the values they supposedly hold with 75 percent or more of their actions. It would be nice to see them get their comeuppance, as well.
Pairings: not necessary, though I am partial to Naruto/Ino or Naruto/Hanabi (with Hanabi being 1-2 years younger than Naruto at most).
(Actually, I'd settle for just #1-#3, above. Of the 7500 Naruto-centric stories on this site >20k words, less than 50 qualify.)
I think I've thrown a lot of story ideas out there with RtP, as well as "Dos and Don'ts", practical examples, and other suggestions for budding fanfic writers. And it's written from the perspective of a reader -your prospective audience- who just wants to see something better on this site than the "Hyuchiacest Gone Wild!" swill that has taken over in the past couple of years.
THAT POOR RETARDED GIRL HAS GONE BLIND FROM SYPHILIS! PLEASE, WON’T YOU THINK OF THE CHILDREN?