Bloodstained Comma
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Joined 05-01-08, id: 1565463, Profile Updated: 09-09-12
Author has written 20 stories for Death Note, Harry Potter, One Piece, Kingdom Hearts, and Portal.

L avie!!!!! I do not claim to have drawn this. Art is by this person, and original image can be found here.
L giant pile of candy Guitar Led Zeppelin shirt Brit flag black Converse = *guitarist Led Zeppelin/Death Note/L fangirl head explodes*
And that's how the equation goes.

Instant Messengers:
MSN: zosozeppelin@hotmail.com
Yahoo!: punk_pirate766@yahoo.com
AIM: hixvoltagexrock@aol.com
If you add me, then either PM me first or send me a message to my IM/Email alerting me of who you are on fanfiction.net.


Name:
Well, they call me 'Mello Yello.'
But they also call me... 'Tater Salad.'
Go figure.
But most people call me Comma. See, that way Slash isn't the only punctuation mark that plays guitar.
Meaning Slash the guitarist, not Slash the fan fiction genre.
Just to clear that up.
I haven't gotten to change my real name yet, though I definitely intend to. If not my first and middle, then at least my surname.

Age:
18. I'm finally accepting my true age... but I'm not aging again until I'm 21, and I'm stopping there.

Gender:
Female

Location:
Middle of Nowhere, SC

Appearance:
Invisible 0.o except on Thursdays. Don't know why, I've been trying to work that out for a while. Haven't come to a good conclusion on how to fix that yet. Oh well.
So currently on Thursdays, I consist of the following:
Red layered hair, a bit past shoulder length
Brown eyes, sometimes with eyeliner, sometimes without, usually with black-rim rectangle glasses
About 5'4 to 5'5
Band T-Shirts
Either a Guinness cadet cap (flat baseball cap, in case you don't know), a Corona cadet cap, or some random hat with a band logo on it, or no hat depending on if my hair is agreeing with me that day.
Black or blue jeans often w/holes
Black platform leather boots, black leather combat boots, or some type of sandals.
Leather of some sort somewhere usually. Usually my leather biker gloves.
Occasional fishnet armwarmers.
8 Gauge earrings
Chains sometimes
With a slight chance of a chocolate bar in one hand.
I have a severe leather complex but not much leather clothing so =/ kinda sucky-ish.

Personality:
I am probably one of the most random people you will ever meet.
This is partially due to the fact that I hear voices. These voices belong to my other personalities. My other personalities take over my brain at random moments.
I am the type of person who names random objects, such as guitars.
I am the type of person who can get distracted by one thing so badly I forget to eat... such as guitars again.
I am the type of person who can obsess over something so much that it practically takes over my life... um. Such as guitars. Again. For more information, see catogory labeled Obsessions.
I am the type of person who cares more about my family and my friends than anything else in the world. Guitars come second.
I would give my life for any of them. Or any of my guitars. Seriously. I would. Dead serious.
Anyone who messes with my family, my friends, or, incidentally, my guitars, will be severely injured unless I am held away from them against my will.
I am the type of person who can stay awake for an entire month on soda and chocolate.
Not counting the thirty minute long power naps, of course.
I am an involuntary insomniac.
Okay. So sometimes, it is completely voluntary, but it's not my choice most of the time.
I have short term memory loss and I have it bad.
I am always in a better mood when I haven't slept the previous night.
I argue everything tooth and nail, even if I actually agree with it, because arguing is fun :D
I have some major trust issues. It generally takes a long time to get me to open up about much of anything personal.
So basically, I'm a paranoid, argumentative, goofy, compassionate insomniac geetarist.

Obsessions:
Music
Writing
Drawing
Knives and swords and other sharp objects
DEATH NOTE!!
Muscle cars!!
My car

Favorite Music:
Almost any rock from the 60s-80s
And blues. I love me some good old 1930s blues guitar yesyes.
I'll name a few for the heck of it.
Led Zeppelin. MUCHO.
Guns 'N' Roses. TAMBIEN MUCHO.
Motley Crue
The Who
Sweet (three whoops for ballroom blitz!)
UFO
MSG (Michael Schenker Group)
The Scorpions
Metallica
The Beatles (mostly just The White Album, but a little more besides that too)
Megadeth
Iron Maidennnnnnnnnnnnn
Black Sabbath
OZZZZYYYYYYYYYYY!!
Ozzy is my freaking idol, despite me being a guitarist and not a singer. Don't ask me why. He's just awesome like that.
Tenacious Deeeeeeeeeeee because Jack Black is awesome, too.
Charlie Daniel's Band. I'm a freaking Devil Went Down To Georgia nutcase, but I like their other stuff tooo.
Blue Oyster Cult fjhighfotrnhg!!
Boston
Soundgarden
Pearl Jam
Alice In Chains
Nirvana
Seven Mary Three
Stone Temple Pilots
Stevie Ray Vaughan
JJJJJJJJJJJJJJimi Hendrixxxxxxxxx
Robert Johnson
Lead Belly
Ram Jam
LLLLLLynard Skynarddddddd
AC/DC
Loverboy
Deep Purple
Elton John. To a certain extent.
Monster Magnet
Creedence Clearwater Revival
QQQQQQUUEEEEENNNN!! Because Freddie Mercury=greatness.

In case you don't know, the ones I went kind of spastic on are some of my absolute favorites of all time ever in the history of the entire world. Chyeah.
Yes, I know I said a "few." Stop laughing at me. I didn't mean to do this. This is what happens when I talk about music. I apologize...

Favorite books:
I'm a Harry Potter dork =)
But I also enjoy reading random biographies of rock musicians on occasion.
Stephen King pwns the horror world.
Twilight, with a total revamp by an author who knows a thing or two about the vampire genre, might be more acceptable. I tend to protest it because it glorifies emotionally abusive relationships more than anything else--the vampires can sparkle their little hearts out, but the messages portrayed in the story get to me.
The Hitchhiker's Guide series is INCREDIBLE. Read it. I don't care if you don't like science fiction, read it anyway.
Fight Club is amazing. Chuck Palahniuk is amazing. Amaaaaazing.

Favorite manga:
Death Note!! I finished reading it FINALLY. I say finally, but it kinda only took me about a month... I'm still rewriting it, though (see The King's Note for more info).
A few others, too.
I like One Piece and Naruto (though I haven't read either in a while)
Dragon Ball has been a favorite of mine for forever.

click!

Favorite characters:

Death Note
L: Coolest insomniac ever. I'm an insomniac too, but I don't spend my time awake solving crazy murder cases, so congrats to L for not wasting his time like me. Oh, and YAY CAKE!!
B: His indecisiveness over what laugh makes him seem awesomest is just f-cking great. And I've been obsessed with strawberry jam since I was two freaking years old. So I was reading that part of the book like "WTS?!"
Mello: Psycho crazy and obsessed with chocolate and leather and weapons, so I can relate to him completely. Plus a member of my family uuused to have mafia connectins until we moved outa that state, so more relatedness :P -takes bite of chocolate bar and continues typing-
Matsuda: His goofiness is so-very amusing. And I cheer for him for shooting the -ahem- god of the new world. WOO! If only he hadn't missed when he was aiming for the bastard's head... and YES I despise Light so there's no need to ask. Anyone person who thinks he/she is a God needs to be reminded by being shown firsthand that he/she is not immortal. So another big WOO! to Matsuda for attempting to do so!!
Ryuk: Effing smart ass, jurst like meh. Makes him uberly awesome. Yay apples!
Matt: Ifreakinglovehiscar!!1!!111!!111!!zomG. Okaaaaaayyyyyynow that I've gotten that out of my system, videogames and computerhacking are fun :). And mooooving on before I go muscle car nuts-o again.
Mikami: Three words: eliminationeliminationelimination!! I was reading the one chapter of the manga dedicated fully to him. Couldn't stop laughing at his random chanting at the very end there. Just couldn't.
Aizawa: I have decided that Aizawa is the dude from Afro Samurai in disguise. Why? Just because.
Naomi Misora: Because she's just badass enough to be on my list of favorites. Why don't you try owning a motorcycle, wearing awesome leather boots all the time, being in the FBI, and working with L without being awesome? I bet a million bucks it's impossible. Her death was also where I oficially decided that I hated Light Yagami. L's death just boosted my hatered of Light by about 16,456,321,121,246,415,258,445,156 notches. Then Mello's added on that many times ten. As did Matt's.

Pirates of the Carribean
Jack Sparrow: He's the coolest pirate in all movies ever made. Not to mention, I like rum and piracy, too. Plus, Johnny Depp is just great. -humming- hmm hmm hmmm hmm-hmm-hmm... and really bad eggs. Drink up, me hearties, yo ho!
Norrington
: I utterly detested him all the way through the first movie and up until the second movie when he turned all piratey and whatnot, then I hated him again by the end when he went all betrayal and stuff, then I cried when he got stabbedded for helping the pirates in the third movie. Go figure.
Tia Dalma: You just can't not be fucking awesome when you're capable of bringing dead people back to life and making pirates overly possessive of jars of dirt. It's just impossible not to be awesome at that point, I swear to bob. Tia Dalma is one of my favorite characters out of any movie I've ever watched about anything. She's just that fucking awesome and shiz.

Harry Potter Series
Fred and George: Practical jokes rock. So do fireworks. I need not say anymore.
Snape: He's an ass and all, but I felt bad for him after book 7 (won't say why, me no give spoilers just in case).
Dumbledore: Crazy-awesome old hippy. Wish my school's principal was that awesome.
The Marauders: Yes, this contradicts directly with Snape being under my favorite characters. Get over it.

Final Fantasy VII
Sephiroth: I believe the psycho-crazy thing comes into play here again.
Vincent Valentine: I like guns, too :) Not to mention the fact that he so looks like a vampire and I love vampires.
Yuffie: Ninja!
Cait Sith: I don't know why, I just adore the little talking cat. He's been a favorite of mine since I was about six years old :)
Reno: He's just so goofy. And his hair rocks.

Chrono Trigger
Magus: Cuz he's just badass like that.
The Prophet: See above.
Janus: See above above.
Masa: Masa is a mucha metaphysical valleygirl imp thing. And is just neatoriffic.
Mune: The reason I have started calling random things mucha metaphysical. Mune hath enhanced Comma's vocabulary.
Ozzie: Well, his name sounds like Ozzy. And he offers so very much comic relief.
Flea: What would an RPG game be without a crossdressing magician dude-chick? Normal, obviously. But who wants to play a normal RPG game? Not me.
Slash: Oh, all the random characters named after musicians! Of course, just as Frog-Glenn does, I shall always refer to him as Sir Slush.
Frog-Glenn: Wickedly awesome frog-dude with the coolest videogame sword ever. Plus I pity him because my other character picks on him too much (see above above above above above above above above).
Belthasar: How could someone with a name like that not rock?
Belthasar's Nu: How could someone-with-a-name-like-that's Nu not also rock?

One Piece
Shanks: Because it's normally impossible to reach that high a level of absolute piratey win if Johnny Depp isn't involved. And yay rum and partying on random deserted islands!
Zoro: It's impossible not to be awesome when using three swords at the same time.
Hawk Eye: Okay, so I like pirates with wicked awesome swords skills. Big whoop. Plus, he's apparently remotely friendly with Shanks. That automatically qualifies him as awesome.
Sanji: Doesn't have a sword, but he doesn't need one because he's all ninja-cook-like.
Kuro: The epitome of evil, and you can't be evil and not be awesome. In my opinion, anyway. Plus, I want a pair of those cat-claw-freddie-cruger-gloves. They be awesome.
Jango: Wait, how the hell did he get here?! Bastard must've hypnotized me in to putting him up... either that or I felt like ranting about his weirdness. -nonfavorite character- He reminds me of Michael Jackson -shudders- He even does the weird moonwalking thing everywhere! WTF? Update: Okay, I've gotten a little further in the series. He's even more like Jacko now, what with being a dance-crazed marine. What the hell? Him and that weirdo marine guy that Sanji kicked the shit out of when he was first introduced. Jacko wannabes.
Ace: Right up there with Shanks. It's impossible to not be awesome when you can turn into fire at will. As Chapter 549 leaves Ace with a bit of a life-or-death situation and Chapter 550 won't be up until next week, I'm about to die with anticipation. I sure know how to pick favorite characters. They all either die or nearly die. I mean, right after I decided Shanks was awesome, he got his arm bit off. What the hell? Ugh. This is unjust.
Carue: Yay for highly amusing giant ducks!
Brook: He reminds me of Jack Skellington, only with an afro and more perverted. I usually refer to him as Perv Skellington or Jack Pervington. But he's awesome because he's a musician and stuff.
All-of-Buggy's-Crew-Yes-Even-Buggy-Even-Though-It-Contradicts-Shanks-Being-My-Favorite-Character: Well, they're amusing to me. It's like a giant pirate circus. Which is awesome. Plus, Buggy and Ace are buddies.
Silvers Rayleigh: He knows Shanks. Enough said.
All-Of-The-Revolutionaries: Anarchy ftw!
Smoker: One of only two marines that I have so far found to be cool at all. Why? He just is. No exact reasoning.
Garp: The other of the two marines I mentioned. He just amuses me.
Luffy may be added to my list later. That's ONLY if Ace doesn't die due to Luffy's ditziness and failure to look at a damn newspaper - if he had acted earlier, then he wouldn't be cutting it so close and he'd have his entire crew to help him, the freakin' idiot! So, if Ace lives, I will add him. If Ace dies, I will create a most-hated-character-list and Luffy, as the cause for both Ace's death and Shanks's missing arm, shall be at the top of the list. Well, either him or Yagami Light. It'll be a close call.

Hobbies:
Guitar and writing

Teh Blog of teh Storiez
(Also known as Comma's Story Blog. It's a working title, bear with me!)
I haven't done much original stuff lately, my inspiration randomly disappeared one day.
I'm playing around with some ideas for other fan fictions.

The Orphan of Hogwarts,I've reached a blank on it, so I'll have to come back to it later.

My newest as of July 07, 2008 is Friendly Rivalry, a Death Notefanfiction.
Yes. I am obsessed with Death Note. I admit it.
It takes place at around the time Matt and Mello would be twelve years old, so it of course takes place at The Wammy's House. A new girl is sent to live there, and she poses a threat for Mello's major inferiority complex, andhis friendship with Matt... or so Mello seems to think. Mostly humor, a little drama here and there. I don't have the entire story planned out in my head, which is perfectly normal with me. It just sort of flows naturally. I'm not sure how or where it will end, so there's no chance of me giving away any spoilers.

(A Gaunt Tale is one of the only stories I've written to date that I have planned out. Unfortunately, I haven't been working on it in order, I'm writing its ending right now, which means that it may be a while before my next update on it).

Generally, twists in the plots of my stories surprise me as much as any readers. I don't like planning because surprises are fun.

My newest fic: Sketch.
Death Note fic. Yo soy mucho obsesso.
Takes place durring the time of the Kira case.
Involves an original character because I enjoy messing with story lines and changing stuff to my liking.
Orignal character = Matsuda Emi.
She is Matsuda Tota's younger sister who is in the same year of school as Light.
After a fallout with her father, this rebelious chain-smoking seventeen-year-old artist moves in with her older brother, only to find herself slapped in the middle of the Kira case upon the discovery of her amazing profiling abilities.
A simple sketch could turn out to be important evidence of the Kira case, but she's not sure if she wants to get in the middle of it all.

Newest fic as of July 13: Justice Never Dies.
With this fic comes a number of bennefits:
1. Understanding more about Mu, which amazingly has nothing to do with cows.
2. L getting a Death Note thrown at him in the middle of the night at random.
3. More fun with Kira.
4. A brand new Shinigami!
5. Rather mean death threats. Not so much a bennefit, but oh well!
6. Cameos from Ryuk, Rem, Misa, Takada, Mikami, Matsuda, Sayu, and all your other favorite characters.
7. AU because screwing around with plots is just too much fun to resist.
8. Random raids of rooms.
9. Mispronunciation of names.
10. PRANKS!
All this and more for just three easy payments -and one f-cking hard payment- of 19.95!
Okay, not seriously. It actually doesn't cost anything. But it does involve L getting a Death Note thrown at him and ect ect.

Deceptive Winning is my newest fic (07/17) and first ever one-shot. I finished it JUST NOW (6:31 pm) and am about to go post it.
It's based on my fic Justice Never Dies (so it will obviously be a Death Note fic) explaining how L and a few other characters survived and became a part of the events in Justice Never Dies.
The idea is curtosy of Sparanda so thanks muchly!
It's going to be quite like the movie's end with a couple manga details that didn't happen in the movie, but with a twist or two of my own added in as well.
Because if it were exactly like the movie, L would have died and I couldn't have started writing Justice Never Dies.
Is written in first person from L's POV, mostly just because I felt like it.

I may be working on another story soon. Or later. Much later. Sorry bout that.
Idea completely by Sparanda on this website, not me.
It would be based on what would have happened if Ryuk had written down the names of Near and the SPK and the Investigation team rather than Light's in the end, so Light could continue his work as Kira and Ryuk could continue to be amused.
I don't like Light much at all, but Ryuk effing rocks, so I could work with it :) I haven't started it yet, but the idea was given to me on 07/15 or 07/16 (depending on if it was before or after midnight. I don't know.

My next fic is going to be called Mellow Out.
Will take place at around the time L was fifteen and Mello was four.
Original character, yes. A fourteen-soon-to-be-fifteen-year-old new kid at The Wammy's with major attitude problems and a nasty scar on her right cheek.
Roger and Watari decide that she needs mental help after nearly four years of "trauma" in two different street gangs due to family ties.
It will follow about four to six years of her time there, I figure, and involves how Mello developed many of his quirks, though it is from her point of view, but in third person. You'll see what I mean if and when you read it.

Thursday, August 14, 2008
I have started a small series of mini-fics, all 500 words each, all based mostly around L, that I may post soon, based on a fic challenge I found on Livejournal (it's from a table from the fanfic50 page, I'm not doing the actual challenge yet, I just got insufferably bored last night). I got bored last night and decided to do it.
The entire thing would be called Sugar Cubes, as many of the mini stories will be based around sugar cubes. Mostly comical, but some other subgenres as well (occasional angst, as an example), and based around the Kira case after the permanent headquarters is build.
I make fun of Matsuda quite a bit in it, but that's because writing from L's point of view in third person, I have to try to hold the same opinions of the beloved Matsuda that L does.
Besides, I only pick on him because he's so gosh dern adorable.

Thursday, February 5, 2009
I haven't done much to this section of my profile in a while. So, for starters. Yes, I've started rewriting A Gaunt Tale, but that's on hiatus until I finish Second Heir, which is a prequel following the last few school years and one or two after of Katalina Gaunt's father, who was indeed in school at the same time as out very own Ickle Voldykins and was decent friends with him. Serpentine followed Timothy Gaunt's mother's final years after Hogwarts and was a prequel to both stories. Harry Potter fanfics, for those who don't know. Serpentine is finished.
I also finished Mellow Out and started on the sequal, Psyched Out, which will be followed by Burned Out.
No one has checked out my Peverell brother fanfic (Harry Potter again, yes) called A Braggart's Blunder. It's starting to make me sad. Someone should comment it.
Also, soon to be posted will be two new stories. One is an alternate ending to the seventh Harry Potter book, in which Voldemort is banished to an alternate universe (called the Southeastern United States) where magic doesn't exist and is forced to work a number of jobs in order to survive this ordeal. Completely comical.
Another, a Death Note story, cowritten by Sparanda, will be called Muffins of DEATH. Crackfic? You betcher ass it is.
When Yagami Light, head suspect of the Kira case, mysteriously vanishes, leaving nothing behind but a snackcake wrapper with a Chuck-Norris-Face-And-Crossbones upon it and a rather strange copyright, L is forced back to square one of the Kira case. Meanwhile, millions of others are vanishing or dying around what turn out to be wrappers of radioactive muffins, while Ryuk sits back and chuckles at the new, much more creative master of his old Death Note. But Matsuda knows a secret that could expose this new "Kira" to the world... if someone on the investigation team would just listen to him for once.
Updates might be coming a little slow. There was a recent tragedy in the family last Thursday and I'm having a bit of trouble getting over it. Apologies for any slow updates, but I'm really doing the best I can.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009
All right, playing around with a new idea.
It's a Harry Potter Death Note crossover - anyone who knows me at all knows it was bound to happen eventually.
It will be humorous. Want a few aspects of it? Sure, I'll give'em to ya. In an easy to understand list format.
1. Watari and Dumbledore? Old friends. Betcha didn't know they went to Hogwarts together :O
2. Peeves? He's actually a banished Shinigami. Him and Ryuk were best buds back in the day.
3. Comma's first ever Ravenclaw OC.
4. Luna thinks Ryuk is a knargle.
5. L and Dumbledore, geniuses of a past and future generation, must meet. There's no way around it. It had to happen. You know it did.
6. Timelines completely out of order. We're going by the Harry Potter timeline (trio-at-Hogwarts from 1991-1998).
7. Death Eaters can too have heart attacks!
8. The fine line between genius and insanity shall be reexamined.
9. The OC is part of the DA because they all trust each other fully not to do anything stupid.
10. L. In a Harry Potter story. Wootness much?
Well, off to start this off. It'll have it's serious moments, yes, but it will definitely be humorous. I need to do a mini bio of the OC first, of course. I don't even have a name yet. I've decided that he will be a male, however. The point of view will be third person omniscient so I can follow around all of the main characters in the story. All righty. Now off to get started.

Sunday, February 15, 2009
Well, I'd be nice and wish everyone a happy belated Valentines Day if I believed in the damned holliday. However, I don't. So, have a very happy unbirthday, everyone. Unless it is your birthday. In which case, happy birthday!
Now, as I'm a kind person and I haven't really given a reason as to why updates have been coming so slow lately, I figure I should let everyone know. On the twenty-eighth of last month, my mom had a brain aneurysm and passed away on the way to the hospital. No, there were no previous symptoms except that she had a migraine earlier that day. Me and my mom were really close (though I've never seen the show, I do know about it, so that show Gilmore Girls sorta comes to mind here); I despise my dad (who no longer lives with us) and do not recognize him as any more than a sperm donor, and would kill him without regret if I could get away with it. So I'm practically an orphan now, and it's just been a bit hard to adjust. I'm staying with my mom's fiance (who's more like a dad to me than my "real dad" ever was anyway), and my brother and his wife live right next door (our houses are on the same property, so we practically all live together anyway). It just seems a lot quieter with my mom gone. But, yeah. Between depression and a couple near-nervous-breakdowns at school, I've just been sorta out of it lately. I took a total of eight days off from school and I'm still not feeling any better (I'm starting to doubt I ever will, but whatever), all the damn sympathy I get there is giving me some of the worst headaches I've ever had in my life, and my sleeping schedule is worse than ever (aka when I do get sleep, it's no more than two hours a night, and I wake up every five minutes).
Now, don't get me wrong here. I'm one of the biggest optimists you'll ever meet. But it still feels like someone rolled my life up the hill in a wheelbarrel and then dumped me off at the other side, which turned out to be a pit leading straight into hell. I'm also a very metaphorical person. And light at the end of the tunnel? Oh, I've seen a damned light a few times, but it always turns out to be a freaking lightbulb with more darkness up ahead yet. But, as the wise and knowledgable Christopher Titus has said: When the shit hits the fan, us people who've had rough lives know to just step out of the way. So far, I lost my grandmother in 2005 quite suddenly, four days after my nephew was born - as my dad was dickhead who was never around and she lived next door to me my whole life (both in New York and in South Carolina, yes), she was like a parent to me. Took me a few years to get over that. A year later, my grandfather died, and he was my last grandparent. Then in 2007, on the day my sister-in-law was due to have a baby, her first girl, the doctors couldn't find a heartbeat for her and she was stillborn. In 2008, my cousin (she was in her late thirties to early fourties at the time) got her stomach stapled and the staples came undone. And now, 2009, my mom. Ever since 2008, I've been in a sort of "wonder who'll be next" state of mind, but I never would have guessed it would be my mom. Now I'm back in that state again and hoping to God that it isn't going to be either of my nephews. I don't think I could live if anything happened to either of them, they're all that can get me through shit like this.
But, as I said, I suppose I'll just come out stronger in the long run. People who haven't had a fucked up childhood won't know how to deal with life as well as I do in the long run. I'm gonna try not to let it keep me down, and I sure as hell hope it doesn't for too much longer. I don't like rapidly losing weight, I don't like not being able to keep up at school, and I sure as hell don't like falling behind on my writing.
And to top things off, I haven't seen my nephews in five days.
Now. No sympathy. I just wanted everyone to know why I've been particularly nonresponsive with quite a few of my fics lately, and I needed to get all that off my chest in a place where hopefully not many people will read. As I hate talking about my problems, writing (typing, in this case) is basically my only outlet.
I'll try to be working on a few chapters of a few things, but I'm not going to promise any immediate results.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Guess what? Comma's first ever Chrono Trigger fic is currently in predevelopment stages. Mucha metaphysical, no?
How did this come about? Well, see, I recently had my brother do the Twilight Princess hack on my Wii. For those who have no idea what that is, it's an error in the coding of Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess that a bunch of awesome people turned into a hack that can produce the Homebrew Channel for the Nintendo Wii. No, that is not a Wii channel that instructs you on how to brew moonshine in your basement as one of my friends happened to be hoping it was when I told her about it. It is, in fact, a channel that allows you to put emulators on your Wii, such as Sega, Sega Genesis, Gameboy, Gameboy Advanced, Nintendo, and Super Nintendo (Playstation and Nintendo 64 emulators are currently being made as well). Well, naturally, I got all of them and a total of about a thousand games, maybe more. And, naturally, the Super Nintendo and all my favorite old video games for it are the most active of everything. Especially the Final Fantasy games for the SNES and - you guessed it! - Chrono Trigger. And I've about beat the game, soooo woot for me.
And again, you ask, how did this come about? Well, I happened to rediscover how awesomely cool the game was of course, particularly Zeal and all of it's floaty glory. And Masa and Mune. Mune's totally awesome. Oh, yeah, and Magus. Speaking of Magus, that's where my "what the hell, plot hole, must fill with fanfiction-like-cement" personality comes in. See, Janus (aka Magus in later years) gets sucked in through a gate created by Lavos. You see Ozzie sending two little imps after him, around eight-years-old judging by how uberly short he is. The next age you see him is probably thirties-fourties. So, what happened in that gap?
Well, that's where my story will come in, of course!
No OC's - no need for them, actually, as I'll just be building on the characterization of not-often-mentioned characters such as Queen (who isn't Queen yet at the start of my story, of course) Leene and the two guards at the front gates of the castle in 600 (though my story starts at about 573) A.D., who have been given names, yes. The main-main characters will be a soothsayer by the name of Marcellus, Leene, the King of Guardia, Magus (no shit, sherlock), and Ozzie (and therefore, Flea and Slash will be in there, if only for my own amusement). There will be romance, my front-gate-guards Mortimer and Harold will offer a bit of comic relief, Leene will be about as ditzy as her descendent Marle-Nadia though nowhere near as outgoing when it comes to the idea of traveling, King of Guardia is fairly generic, and interestingly Magus-Janus starts out on the "good-guy" (i.e. Guardian, not Mystic) side and eventually joins Ozzie. I've tried to stick to the basic storyline, though there isn't much specification about this particular time period so I can just let this all flow fairly freely.
Will be written in third person from Magus-Janus's point of view, so limited omniscient. So, before he develops his Magus-persona, he will still be refered to as Janus.
I'm also trying to think of a fic I could involve Masa and Mune in because they're just so wickedly awesomelike. Mune with his metaphysicalness and Masa with his rather :cough:sparkly:cough: valleygirl moments, you know?

Sunday, April 12, 2009
Well, it's Sunday Apr. 12 where I am since it's almost thirty minutes after midnight, anyway.
I figure I should let my people know, I will be even more sparse about updates than I have been lately soon. However, a fanfiction may come out of it.
Will be sort of a Chrono Trigger/Chrono Cross Crossover, in which all the eras have crashed into each other in a fantabulously huge time crash with such epic proportions that it will blow your mind. Possibly.
So, what brought this about, you ask? Well, my brother did. Shall I explain?
No, my brother did not cause a time crash in the CT CC realm, if you're wondering. Of course not. He's real, not a videogame character, so that would be impossible -- EXCEPT it isn't, because he has RPG Maker, and we will be making a videogame base on this storyline. He gave me the basic idea of the story, which is a huge time crash, yes. He hasn't decided who all he will include in the game from Chrono Cross, but Lynx will definitely be in it, and Kid will probably be in it. We'll just have to edit some Chrono Trigger Character sprites into them. We'll use Schala's for Kid, since Kid is technically Schala (OMG spoilers for people who haven't beat the game like me except I just looked it up on Chrono Comendium because I'm a horribly impatient person who can't wait until the end of the game to find out). For Lynx... who knows. We'll just wing it, edit someone else's into his at random. God knows creating character sprites from scratch is a pain in the frakking arse.
All of the Chrono Trigger playable characters will be playable in the game. The gurus will be important. There my be a playable Nu (and I'm trying to talk my brother into it being Belthasar's Nu - he seems to think it's a good idea, but I want a definite yes, dammit!), there may-or-may-not be a New Name Nu (who knows? methinks it would rock), I want Masa and Mune to be in it buy I haven't discussed it with my brother yet. I'm working on bits and pieces of the script in the game. We'll be working on the story together, as well as the game editing and the script writing, but I'm thinking my brother will MOSTLY be in charge of the game editing because that's his forte (he'll be teaching me a few things), and I'll MOSTLY be in charge of script writing since I have more time to work on that than he does.
I've watched him make games like this before, but I've never been able to help on any because we're always into different games at different times. We managed to get hooked on the Chrono's again at the same time, so we're working on this one together. I've got almost the entire beginning scene of the game typed up as a script already. It's about the same as the original, but with a few random extra things (such as Crono's mom getting onto him about not feeding his cat and said cat scratching Crono if he bugs it too much - just random things like that).
So, the story itself will probably take place a year after the defeat of Lavos. The game is AU, keep that in mind. Chrono, Lucca, and Marle are all eighteen, then. They've defeated Lavos, but Lavos is technically alive (in this game) until 1999 A.D., the year he is defeated. We haven't got much of the story line worked out yet, except that when the eras start crashing, they crash right into the End of Time, allowing Gaspar onto actual land for the first time in aeons (where he and Melchior and Belthasar will also be within walking distance of each other for the first time in aeons also), and Spekkio out as well (that's what I'll have to argue with my brother about - if there's a playable Nu, it will either be Spekkio's pink Nu form or Belthasar's Nu. Just depends on who wins the argument).

Definite Playable Characters:
Crono
Lucca
Marle
Frog - if we can make enough human sprites for Glenn, then he may be human by some point in the game.
Magus
Robo
Ayla
Possible Playable Characters:
Belthasar's Nu OR Spekkio in his awesome pink Nu form
Kid - not sure about that one - I didn't ask if my brother plans to just have her in the game or as a playable character.
Slash - Magus's swordsman dude, not the guitarist - though that would be amusing, let's be realistic, people: that Slash doesn't exist in Gaia. This one's almost definite, by the way. We're not sure how we'll go about it, but he probably will be playable.
Flea - every RPG game needs an at least slightly homo-like playable character. Chrono Cross had Pierre, after all. This probably won't happen, I think my brother was just joking about it, but hell, who knows? Ozzie won't be playable, though, that's pretty much a definite no. No one needs a two ton giant lizard who gets in a pickle all the time on their RPG party.

Right now, like I said, it's in planning stages, and my brother's still busy ripping backgrounds and stuff from the game itself. Zenan (the Chrono Trigger continents) will definitely be playable, and El Nido MAY be, if we can figure out exactly where it is in Gaia and if my brother can make a map for it (no question about it - he can make a map, he's good at that, so the only problem in question is the first one: Where on Gaia is El Nido? I think it's south of Zenan, myself, but I'm not completely sure).
Well, anyway, as I was saying. All this could spawn a fanfic. Once it gets further into the story, I'll be writing it in chapter format instead of just a script. I'll be able to post the chapters on here and use the scripts for the game. Go me!

Friday, April 24, 2009
So, The King's Note. By far my most popular story on here, definitely.
But, me being a picky, obsessive compulsive type of person, I'm going to rewrite the first half of it.
Fear not, my few wonderful fans; I'll continue posting updates, I won't post my rewritten first half until it's all finished!
But, I came to a number of problems when I started rereading it. Would you like to hear a few?
1. Katherine's too smart. Now, this in itself isn't a problem, but because I offered so little information about her history, it becomes a major problem. No one knows where the hell her intelligence came from. That will be explained in my rewrite.
2. Because I didn't originally intend to make Pat and Don important characters, they were entirely static throughout the beginning of the story. That pissed me off quite a bit - when I rework it, they will have larger roles.
3. I don't like how late I started in the story. I'd like to elaborate a bit about what got them into Japan to work on the Kira case in the first place, to start with, and a little about Katherine's unfortunate time in school with Misa Amane.
4. I barely said anything at all about Al, and as far as character histories go, he's very important. As in, more important than you could have ever imagined. Because I didn't really work out their histories beforehand, Katherine's reaction to his death was a little bit less than what it should have been. That will be changed around.
5. For quite a bit of time, I didn't really think about the fact that the four of them were Irish. Therefore, when they were speaking to each other, I didn't include anything with their accents - yeah, unrealistic. Me and my obsessive compulsiveness with writing accents as they are spoken. Stupid reason to most people, yeah, but it bugs the heck out of me.
As I said, though, fear not, as I will not stop my work in King's Note as it goes now. I simply plan to work on the rewrite little by little, though I will focus quite a bit on moving the plot forward.
But, on the upside, this will spawn another Death Note fic! Drumroll, please.Fine, crickets chirping, that works as well.
Anyway, it will focus around my OC's as well as Don's never mentioned younger brother, Sean (who is never mentioned for a damn good reason, believe me). Will there be L? You betcha. But, check it - it's going to be written from Al's viewpoint. Third person, since I just prefer writing in third person for most things, but still mostly from Al's viewpoint, as the main story will be based around him and Sean.
What's the storyline? I'll give ya what I got so far.
First of all, as I mentioned in his character bio, it all starts when he's ten years old and finds a newborn baby lying on the stairs leading into an appartment building in the slums of a small town in Ireland. At the time, the ten-almost-eleven-year-old is homeless, having run away from his foster parents around eight months prior. Knowing that he can't do anything about the baby himself, but also being of moral fiber too strong to leave it lay and be forced to grow up in that horrid a place, he takes the child to an orphanage in the town. The orphanage never files any papers on the baby, and so as she grows older, she simply picks out her own name by flipping through a book and finding one she likes. Anyone who's read King's Note should know by now who the child is, aye?
Growing up on the street, Al learns a number of things, though not all of them are exactly moral. Unfortunately, with no other way to survive, he eventually comes to terms with and embraces his reputation among many of the town's residents as a crook. He is well known in the crime underground as a top ranking con artist by the time he's twenty years old. Incidentilly, he also meets brothers Derrick and Stephen Hannah - Don and Sean, respectively - and Patrick Flannery - Patrick Star, anyone? :dodges forcefully thrown beer bottle: - when he is twenty years old, and the three almost instantly begin looking up to the con as a sort of a mentor. Don and Sean had been on their own for two years at this point, and hadn't exactly been honorable in their ways of survival on the streets. Pat was living with his grandmother at the time, a strict but caring woman who inadvertantly helped him with his expertise in locks with as often as she locked him in his room to ground him, and also inadvertantly introduced him to whiskey by often forgetting to lock her liquor cabinet, and had met the two shortly after they had left the house they were living in with their abusive father and decided to tag along with them whenever he got the chance just for the fun of it.
A year after the three teenagers met Al, Sean ran off, having witnessed a brutal murder, and developed an illusion within his mind that the murderer had been Al himself. Why? Well, you'll have to wait and find that out, as that's a key plot point. A year after leaving, he found a little black notebook (uh-oh) and developed a twisted plan to gain revenge on Al for the murder with the help of said notebook. When Al recieves a letter from Sean provoking him soon after Sean has made up his mind on what to do, Al is glad to give chase - the terms were either he found Sean; or Pat, Don, and Katherine would all be killed. The sheer brutality and number of murders that follow attract L himself to the case. This leads to an all out chase, with Al, always one step behind Sean, guided to each murder by no more than the cryptic messages left by Sean after each murder, and L, always one step behind Al, guided to his lead suspect in the case by Al's funding of his excursion by multiple credit card scams and cons along the way.
The name of the story? Animalistic Tendencies. Why? Because the "murders" aren't commited by Sean himself, but are all actually brutal animal attacks controlled using that handy-dandy-notebook he found, so nothing can be traced back to him.
Aahh, I so wanna go ahead and start posting on this one! It's been a long time since I developped a plot for a story in this much detail beforehand :( .
Ah, well! I'll just go put up a nice little character bio for Sean in my OC's section, yeah? Read away!

Sunday, April 26, 2009
So, I had absolutely no intention of posting up Animalistic Tendencies until after I finished writing King's Note. Unfortunately, I just finished typing up a complete timeline for the story, so I can't help it. I have to start it. And I will be posting chapters as soon as I review the first one.
It's not particularly connected to King's Note; in King's Note, the main-main OC is Katherine, with Pat, Don, and Al still being slightly important, but not as. In this one, Al and Sean are the main-main OCs (protagonist and antagonist respectively), with Don coming in second. Pat and Katherine are also important to the storyline and WILL be in it. It will cover the characters' backgrounds, explaining more of King's Note, but the stories can easily be read seperately; one is not necessary to understand the other at all. I decided to start working on Animalistic Tendencies as a side project for my own benefit so I could develop my original characters further, but Sparanda suggested that I post it up. The only reason I planned not to was because it wouldn't fit into the Death Note fandom, as it had simply to do with OCs. However, I started developping the plot line a bit more, found a way to interject elements of Death Note into the storyline quite smoothly, and took off with the idea. I've planned out the entire thing and even wrote out a timeline for the story and its characters. Now, I'm so eager to start writing it that I'm going to start. Now. Yep, first new Death Note story from Comma in ages. Yay? Anyone? Well, yay from me. And a big woot-woot-booga on top of that.
So, adieu. I'm off to work with Chapter 1 and get it posted right away!

Thursday, August 6, 2009
No, I didn't die, I've just been working on too much at once and have way too many plotbunnies attacking me at once and leading me nowhere.
But, I will be working on a new story soon - very soon in fact - as in right this very moment, and will be forced to continue it every week by a Story Convention I entered on themusebunny.proboards.com . The fandom I chose was One Piece, so it shall be my first ever One Piece story. Of course, I've made my own pirate crew, but I just like doing that. Profiles of the important OCs will be posted in my Original Characters section, and at least two of them - possibly more - will be featured in other stories I'm working on.
The story begins, to use relative ages since time isn't really kept in years in One Piece, when Luffy is about four. Karimi - who is five at the beginning of the story - is about a year older than Luffy. Lyon D. Rolf, her father, is twenty-three - and he didn't intend to have a kid at eighteen, it's just one of those problems that comes with getting drunk and forgetting things. Give him some credit, at least he took responsibility. I've set him as being the same age as Shanks, who will be a main character in at least one other story that Lyon is in, if not also this one and another one I'm planning. Then the third OC I have is Zabat Janx (Janx being his given name, since I'm using the Japanese formatting of surname first. And Janx a name I borrowed from a booze featured in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy because I liked it and thought it would make a good name - Zabat is just random), who is the first mate on Lyon's crew, and is a complete smart ass, among other things. Dunno if I'll have him in other stories, but I hope I do. I quite like him so far.
So the story will be called Hearing Problems, because it's set off by Karimi eating a Kiku Kiku no Mi devil fruit ("Kiku" being the Japanese word for "Listen") and being given exceptional hearing abilities - such as being able to listen in on other peoples' thoughts, among other things. I thought it seemed a catchy title. Karimi won't be five through the whole thing. I might have her five for a few chapters and skip ahead a good bit, but the years will go by. I've got twelve weeks and one chapter per week for the Convention, and I'm about to go post my first chapter, as soon as I finish my character profiles to put on here.
Ah, Lyon, I should mention, has also has a devil fruit ability that came from a combination of starvation, ditziness, and a fight with a seagull. Long story, will be covered in another story because it's really rather amusing. Anywho, his is Kaze Kaze no Mi. Kaze is Japanese for "wind," so you figure it out. It's a logia type fruit, and it looked like a strawberry with swirls on it, but Lyon couldn't tell you that because he was too busy eating it to notice. Like I said, ditziness and starvation. They do strange things to perception.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010
For those of you who haven't noticed yet, I'm totally back!
I've started rewriting The King's Note, didn't finish either of my One Piece fics (I totally will, but I'm more worried about TKN right now), and am also working a bit on the Sugar Cubes oneshot series.
Where was I this time? Somewhere between Hitchhiker's Guide land and having my brother's family move in with me. Now living with my bro, his wife, and my two nephews. Little crowded, but I'm enjoying it. With my nephews around, something interesting is bound to happen every day... even though I do feel sorta like I'm living in a strange, slightly altered version of the show Full House, made even weirder by the fact that my brother's name is Jesse and he did used to have a mullet. But yeah. Moving on.
I know I've lost a lot of my readers since I stopped writing, but I hope to gain a lot of new ones.
For the hundredth time, I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooo extremely sorry for abandoning my stories, everyone, but I'm getting ideas on how to continue all of them. I'm finally coming out of my writer's block, and now it's like I'm facing a writer's tsunami from all of the plot bunnies that were stuck behind the block. But, how can I complain? I can finally do what I love again, and that's all I need.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010
So yeah, haven't updated TKN in a few days, but I assure you there's good reason.
Well, I think it's good reason, anyway.
Firstly, I've been pretty well sick. I didn't want to think I was, but yeah, I was. I hate being sick, and I just sorta lost my creative flare while I was.
So I was planning on working on it tonight, but some stuff came up. In short, one of my dogs had puppies a day after Christmas last year, and one of them nearly died tonight. We're still not sure if she's going to make it, and I've been up all night worrying. Yes, over a puppy. I love animals and it just really shook me up, I'm sorry. You might not consider it a good excuse, but you don't exactly know the full details of what happened either, and yeah. Long story short, I'm sorry if it's not a good enough excuse, but I'm the writer here; if I can't write, then there's not much I can really do about it.
Now, five o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep, and I'm working on a crackfic that I never did anything with. I think I'll probably get the first chapter up sometime this morning; I'll let you guys decide whether or not I should continue it, and if I do, then it probably won't be updated very often, just when I feel like taking myself away from the drama of my other fics to work on something a bit more lighthearted and utterly silly.
And trust me, this'll be the silliest thing I've ever done. Not epic like Muffins of DEATH, but silly.
Oddly, it's roots come from a Stephen King short story called Word Processor of the Gods. I'm thinking of making the title of it some sort of play on the title of the short story. I'm not stealing the idea; I'm just paying homage to one of my favorite authors for coming up with such a freakin' awesome idea. The short story'll even be mentioned within the fic to prove it.
Typewriter of the Gods? Nah... Ah, well, I'll think of something nifty. I always do.
Okay, not always, but I usually do all right with titles
Okay, I admit it, I suck!
Don't bother asking me where this fic's going to go. It's total crack. It might even end up crossing over with some other fandoms occasionally. Seriously, I have no idea what's going on with it.
The general theme, is what would happen if one of us crazy fanfic writers got a hold of a way to alter Death Note, and we decided to do some crazy crap to it--the catch is, the investigation team is aware that something's up. It's a good bit of fun.
And thus, I'm off to get this chapter done.

Sunday, July 25, 2011
What is this thing, some kind of blog? O-o That I haven't written in in more than a year? We can't have that!
But seriously, I'm writing again, so I guess I should give this ago again, yeah? I've been very actively working on my rewrite of The King's Note, spouting out a ridiculous number of chapters in a little over a week. Why? Because I just got in the mood to. I'm also working on a currently unnamed BxOC Death Note fic that takes place in the same alternate universe as Mellow Out that has yet to be posted. Two chapters are done, and it mostly hasn't been posted because... well, because it has no title. I absolutely cannot think of one, and it's driving me bloody insane, I tell you. INSANE. The profile for the OC has been posted in my OCs section already, though, if you wanna give her a look-see. I also posted a profile for a Shinigami OC that I'm probably never going to write into a fanfiction; her name is Harpi, and she's pretty much used solely in RPing on my part. I just thought I'd share her because I have quite a bit of fun with her.
A random urge struck me this morning to add to Janx's bio as well; I've been puzzling over it more than usual lately, since I've actually converted him into a D&D-able (That's right, I play Dungeon's & Dragons; wannafightaboutit? O-O) character and I needed to expand on his history... what better place to start than with his One Piece history? Pretty much just all of it slapped me in the side of the head this morning and demanded to be written before it went away, and I got a very good bit of it down that will be used in Any Way the Wind Blows, which is going to end up getting a bit darker as it goes on, apparently. At least, if his history has any say in it, it most certainly will. By the events of Hearing Problems, he's pretty much turned over a new leaf; he is not the Janx you will see in later chapters of Any Way the Wind Blows, I tell you, he is not. Later AWtWB Janx unnerves me a little, if I'm going to be totally honest with you. Real cutthroat sort of pirate. Yeah. He's just a bit scary.
Also about to work on a profile for Sedna, who at this point no one knows anything about except that she was Karimi's mother and Lyon's current ship is named after her. Yay character development?

Original Characters:
These are my original characters. Two have been described as "Mary-Sues," but not often. My views are that out of the number of comments that I've gotten on my stories, it's only happened twice, so the people that said it can just screw off. No likey, no read. Tis simple.

The King's Note & Animalistic Tendencies
Katherine Lynton
Real name:
Unknown
Aliases (In order of most used): Katherine Lynton, Regina M. Locksley, Amaya Matsui, Allyson Anderson, Beatrice Hernandez, Molly Rhudder, Kimberly O'Connery, Kyra Barrinston, Samantha Powell, Erin Lamburg, Shanna Williams
Age: At start of story, 18
DOB: July 4, 1986
Nationality: Irish
Background info: Born in Ireland to unknown parents, left in a low quality orphanage that never filed her identity. Makes friends with local con artists at the age of eleven who help her break out of the orphanage at the age of fourteen. Lives on the other side of the country with the alias Kimberly O'Connery and a fake identity made for her by previously mentioned con artists. Moves to Japan at the start of rumors of Kira because it seems like it would be "fun." In senior year of High School with Misa Amane, whom she befriends.
Personality: Loner, except a few close friends, but basically friendly. Immense sense of humor that is sometimes hard to shut off. Voluntary insomniac. Intelligent. Acts strongly on emotion, which overrides common sense often. Chocolate obsessive. Dislikes those who think that hard work can't be humourous. Child-like sense of adventure.
Appearance: Short. Dark red hair, curly, couple inches past shoulder. Turquiose eyes. Slim figure. Generally wears tall boots to boost height, only wears skirts when forcibly made by either Toudai's dress code or Misa Amane.

The King’s Note & Animalistic Tendencies (Coming Soon!)
Al
Real Name: Mark Mitchell
Aliases: Too many. Most commonly used, Alvin McManerberry
Age: 28
DOB: September 30, 1976
DOD: mid-2004
Nationality: Irish
Background info: Born in a small town in Ireland. Parents died when he was five, and he ran away from a foster family at the age of ten to a nearby town called Newmarket-on-Fergus. A little less than a year after finding shelter on the streets of the mostly friendly town, found a newborn baby on the doorstep of a rundown apartment building and took the child to an orphanage in the town to be taken care of, who he checked in on for years after despite the owner of the orphanage’s severe dislike towards him due to his eventual reputation in the town as a crook. Grew friendly with 12-year-old Pat, 14-year-old Sean, and 16-year-old Don at the age of twenty, six years after he had started living up to his reputation as a crook, burglar, and/or con artist amongst the townsfolk. The three homeless (with the exception of Pat) teens took to him immediately as a sort of mentor but Sean, after witnessing a murder and narrowly escaping the same fate himself at the age of sixteen, took off and wasn’t heard from again for years, until he framed Al with a series of cannibalistic murders before committing suicide, which ultimately led to Al’s fate at the age of 28 at the hands of Kira.
Personality: Somewhat more serious than his friends Pat and Don, as he’s forced to keep the two in line to a point. Intelligent, more or less mellow, but somewhat short-tempered.
Appearance: Bright red hair, cut neatly, grayish green eyes, small amount of freckles. Often wears white, blue, or black shirt with khaki, gray, or black pants – dresses normal to blend in with society as well as possible to keep away from running into murder charges again. Tall height, average build.

The King’s Note & Animalistic Tendencies (Coming Soon!)
Don
Real Name: Derrick Hannah
Aliases: Too many. Most commonly used, Darrell Marcus
Age: At start of story, 24
DOB: January 17, 1980
Nationality: Irish
Background info: Born to a family in Newmarket-on-Fergus two years before younger brother, Stephen (who later went by Sean). Parents separated when he was 7, his brother 5. Left home at the age of 14 with his 12 year old brother when both grew tired of constant ridicule and abuse from their father (who they were living with after their mother left), stating to anyone who asked that he and his brother were “more likely to survive on the streets than if they had stayed with that bastard.” Met 10-year-old Pat not long after, who was living with his grandmother and took instantly to following them everywhere until his curfew (though he often mentioned that his grandmum would have beat him red if she found out he was in the company of crooks living on the streets). Two years later, as fate had it be, the three met Alvin McManerberry at a pub after Don managed to perfect the art of printing fake IDs, where the sixteen year old also met and fell in love with Tequila. A year later, his younger brother ran off after witnessing a gruesome murder in the back alleys of the so-called peaceful town. Continued living life as a con artist and continued getting better at the job he grew to love and even go as far as calling his profession. Don knows a number of world leaders and speaks with them regularly on friendly terms, including the president of the United States and the Prime Minister of Britain, though he speaks to them all under assumed identities.
Personality: Outgoing, good at acting, kind but perfectly capable of being equally callous. Extremely intelligent and good with electronics. He is described by his life-long friend Pat as “the guy at the party who’ll ride an electric floor buffer off of a couple shots of tequila, who seems to always get the worm at the bottom of the tequila bottle, then wakes up in a strange place the next morning in a cocktail dress.”
Appearance: Neatly cut, medium length dark brown hair and pale blue eyes. Average height, average build. Generally dresses in plain t-shirts and jeans to blend in as regularly as possible with society.

The King’s Note & Animalistic Tendencies (Coming Soon!)
Pat
Real Name: Patrick Flannery
Aliases: Too many. Most commonly used, Patrick Star. Wait no, that’s most commonly referred to as. Most commonly used, Barry O’Connor.
Age: At start of story, 20
DOB: December 13, 1983
Nationality: Irish
Background info: Parents died when he was still a baby, so he was sent to live with grandparents. Grandfather died when he was nine, leaving him with his strict-but-caring grandmother. Met Sean and Don at the age of 10, who quickly became his idols if only for their reputations as what he thought of as the town bad asses, though his grandmother never knew of the acquaintance and never would. She died when Pat was fourteen, leaving him with no one to look to but Don and Al, who was at the time a twenty-two year old local con artist. The two taught Pat everything he needed to know to get by in life, and Pat quickly became the crook amongst the cons, having trained himself to break into any lock, any where, any time, undetected. He made the mistake of bragging about this durring his time living in Trim, where he, Don, and Al had helped their friend Katherine sneak off to after she came to some issues with her orphanage. Upon loudly (and drunkenly) bragging about it in a pub, a woman calling herself Wendy Marks approached him, looking for help breaking into a bank. He made a second blunder by proposing to the woman a few weeks later, who he had fallen for almost instantly. After the robbery, she revealed in an answering machine message that she more commonly went by the name Wedy, that she had hosted strings of bank robberies over the world, and that she would be leaving the country with her money in a days’ time. She pawned off the engagement ring for a bit of extra cash. Pat nearly drank himself to death, but managed to get over the loss after a while of being on “suicide watch” by Katherine, Don, and Al in alternating shifts. Pat is legally dead in a number of places including Ireland, Scotland, Britain, Italy, and New Jersey being among them.
Personality: Easily the goofiest and friendliest of his friends. Gets along with everyone, but holds a grudge like it’s been stuck inside his fist with superglue and duct tape. Obsessed with Misa Amane (much to the fault of Katherine for introducing him to her). Described by Don as “the guy at the party who’ll get so drunk you’ll think he’s stoned, jump on the table and announce a karaoke competition, sing said karaoke with no music, do an air guitar solo that would make Hendrix roll over in his grave, and swing from the chandelier a few times before passing out cold.”
Appearance: Looks something like he stepped out of the eighties. A very 80’s looking Eddie Van Halen style mullet for hair style, light brown in color. Bright green eyes and a few barely noticeable freckles, dimples that seem to reflect his attitude as an overgrown child. Generally wears whatever jeans he happens to pick up off the floor and vintage band t-shirts including (but not limited to) Van Halen, Poison, Whitesnake, and a number of other hair metal bands.

Animalistic Tendencies (Coming Soon!)
Sean
Real Name: Stephen Hannah
Aliases: Samuel Hartferd
Age: When first mentioned in story, 12
DOB: March 18, 1982
DOD: ??/??/1998
Nationality: Irish
Background info: The younger brother of Don in King's Note, who left home at the age of twelve with his fourteen-year-old brother to escape their abusive, alcoholic father. The two boys are forced into a scene not ideal for young teenagers and only manage to get by in begging for money, stealing, ect. The two also meet Pat at around the time they leave, and the ten-year-old is so keen on following them around that he too becomes knowledgable of the ways of the streets at a very young age. In two years, his older brother Don manages to perfect the art of making fake IDs and is unfortunate enough to test one out in a bar where Alvin McManerberry is working as a bartender, a twenty-year-old con artist who could pick out a fake ID from a mile away if it were necessary. All three boys begin looking to him as a mentor, even as a sort of father figure. Sean, however, is unfortunate enough to witness the brutal murder of a woman behind the bar Al works at a year after meeting him. He flees from the town, intent on only staying away for long enough to forget what he saw, but he is incapable when he develops a strange dellusion about the murder; in his mind, when he looked back at the murderer, he began seeing Al, and ends up convincing himself untruly that the murderer was indeed Al. A Shinigami who sees the situation decides to experiment a bit by dropping a death note for the disturbed teenager, who upon picking it up begins developping a plan to get back at Al for the murder. He leads Al and, inadvertantly, L on a wild goose chase across the country, leaving a path of brutal murders in his wake, though the murders are impossible to trace, as the cause of death of every victem is determined to be animal attacks of some kind, anywhere from wolves to wild dogs to bigcats. Even so, he controls his victims with his death note into leaving messages for Al at every crimescene - the police investigating each murder dismiss them as messages to L, as L also does at first until later looking back at them. Al is well aware that L sees him as a lead suspect for quite some time in the case, and believes that Sean plans to kill him eventually as well, but he is right only on the first count; Sean's main goal is to make Al look like the murderer.
Personality: Complex to a point that would drive most psychiatrists to suicide if they had to deal with him. While he cares dearly for those he considers friends or family, he will do anything he feels necessary for revenge. Controlling, overorganized, highly intelligent, vengeful, and slightly dellusional.
Appearance: Tall, around 6 feet, and thin for his height. Stringy, generally well-kempt black hair down to about middle of neck, dark blue eyes. Dresses in a fairly plain fashion - plain t-or-button-up-collared shirts; blue jeans or dark or light colored pants; generally black sneakers.

Sketch
Emi Matsuda
Real Name: Emi Matsuda
Aliases: Mizuki Matsui
Age: At start of story, 17
DOB: May 19, 1986
Nationality: Japanese
Background Info: Grew up with father and brother after mother died in car wreck when she was five. Father turns against her after her older brother moves out, so she leaves at the age of seventeen and moves in with her brother.
Personality: Holds friends and family with high regard, easily manipulated by both. Talkative. Very short-tempered. Chain smoker. Dislikes those who do not allow her to smoke. Enjoys bothering arrogant superiors.
Appearance: Average height and body type. Long and straight black hair with reddish tint and dark brown eyes. Major spike/chain obsession. Often seen with cigarette in hand.

Friendly Rivalry
Christie Anderson
Real Name:
Christina Andrea Newton
Aliases: Christie Anderson
Age: At start of story, 12
DOB: March 25, 1990
Nationality: British
Background Info: Grew up as an only child with parents who were also only children, grandparents died before she was born. Parents died when she was twelve, and she was taken in by The Wammy's House, where an annoying blond boy with an inferiority complex and a chocolate obsession immediately began pestering her for no apparent reason.
Personality: Kind to those who are kind to her. Vengeful. Witty. Easily amused. Prankster. Musically inclined. High IQ. Scary when pissed off. Drinks more caffeine than most people can ingest without going into cardiac arrest when either anxious/worried or pissed off about something.
Appearance: Petite in height and figure. Long and wavy bright red hair and green eyes. Often seen with guitar strap on and guitar attached to said strap. Boot fettish (anything from spiked heals to cowboy boots).

Mellow Out/Psyched Out
Alpha Epsilon
Real Name:
Cindy-Louise Maria McConnell
Aliases: Alpha Epsilon
Age: At start of series, 14
DOB: November 12, 1979
Nationality: British
Background Info: Grew up with one rebellious older brother that she greatly looked up to and two parents striving to keep him in line. In an unfortunate chain of events, she is drafted into her brother's street gang at the age of eleven when she happens to discover he is in it and they happen to discover her knack for hacking and spying. Her parents find out after two years in the dark, and are killed by that gang for "knowing too much," as is her brother in an attempt to save them. Needless to say, she joins with a rival gang to take them out, and they are busted by the police two years later. An IQ test later and she is sent to The Wammy's House, much to her dismay. She is assigned a therapist for her "troubled childhood" who makes her keep a journal, which she refers to as her "psychodiary."
Personality: Defiant, dislikes those who play by the rules too much, vengeful, smart ass, chocoholic, loudmouthed, protective of those she actually manages to form bonds with. Enjoys target practicing with anything from guns to crossbows and hacking into random computer systems in spare time.
Appearance: Average height, slim build. Strawberry-blond hair with length to bottom of neck in front and slanting backwards to pixie-cut length at back of neck. Pale green eyes. Rosary necklace that used to belong to her brother. Jeans with various holes and generally sharpie marker writing all over them, tattered combat boots, and baggy band t-shirts with occasional leather jacket. Old fingerless, peeling leather gloves. Nose, ears, and lip piercings. Flaming skull tattoo on upper left arm with greek letters for "Alpha," "Omega," and "Epsilon" on forehead of skull.

Mellow Out/Psyched Out
Akino
Real name: Akino
Aliases: Shinigami don't need aliases, silly!
Age: Classified
DOB: Classified
Nationality: Shinigamish
Background Info: In around the year 1990, Akino made the mistake of dropping a spare Death Note he had been carrying. A young boy called Beyond Birthday, who was at an orphanage called the Wammy's House, picked it up. Upon consulting the Shinigami King, Akino learned that he would have to stick with whatever human picked up his Death Note, so he found the kid soon enough and tried to talk him into giving it back. He gave this up after around five years and resigned himself to the human world. The only upside was the apples. He spent some time with Beyond, who took the Shinigami eyes the moment he learned about the deal (Beyond himself was eventually driven insane enough with his rivalry against L that he forgot that he had ever made the trade and believed he had been able to see peoples' lifespans since birth). Even after Alpha Epsilon stole the notebook and hid it, Akino still had to follow B around either until B died or forfeited the notebook. B died first, and this meant Akino had to find Alpha to follow around. He discovered that B's cause of death was an entity known as Kira. Recognizing the killer's description as the description of a human with a Death Note, Akino decides to stick to the human world just for the hell of it once he finds Alpha, just so he can see who Kira is and whether or not he knows the Shinigami tailing him.
Personality: Complete smart ass. Is amused by the pain, confusion, and/or disabilities of others. Enjoys a fair bit of chaos. Intelligent, though often doesn't bother showing it. Loathes boredom. Very Shinigami-like. Prefers the company of humans to most Shinigami, due to how boring he finds most of his kind to be. Intentionally cruel. When his lifeline gets low, he enjoys killing people in random ways to build it back up. A high ranking Shinigami (on Ohba and Obata's scale in Death Note: How To Read Character Guide, he would be around a Level 3-4 Shinigami, Intelligence level of 8 out of 10, Curiosity level of 6 out of 10, Proactive level of 5 out of 10, Sympathy level of 7 out of 10, and a Murder Count level of 10/10).
Appearance: Very tall (as most Shinigami seem to be - either very tall or very short). Left side of body appears as a skeleton, the bone charcoal black, though it is fully functional. In the skeletal eye socket is a red light, which he can see through just as easily as his more humanoid eye. Both wings are also skeletal and charcoal black, the skeletal structure is similar to large batwings. Right side of body is more humanoid, though the skin is a pale gray-white color. Eye on this side has a black pupil and black iris that blend into each other, and the white of the eye is red. Black hair, comes down to middle of neck. Black boots, black trench coat with red stitching.

Currently no stories/RP Only (Figure I should include her, just in case she ever gets put in a fic)
Harpi
Real Name: Harpi
Aliases: N/A
Age: Classified
DOB: Classified
Nationality: Shinigamish
Background Info: Harpi is, simply, the messenger of the Shinigami King. She's fairly new to the job, succeeding a Shinigami that had only had the position around thirty years ago; this Shinigami did something to get him/herself killed, and Harpi was brought into existance to take over for him/her. She is more or less in charge of delivering infractions to Shinigami who break rules (unless the rule is of a particularly high level, such as saving the life of a human), negotiations between said rule-breakers and the King, and delivering messages from the King to other Shinigami. She spends a good deal of time out of the Shinigami realm because of this, and is much more active than those that sit around gambling or sleeping all day.
Personality: Harpi is, for lack of a better word, extremely feisty. She is very friendly, but can turn deadly in a heartbeat; she has no sympathy for humans and has built up quite a few years in her relatively short time thus far in existance. She does, however, have quite a weakness for cutesy things and romance, and has been known to pick up a romance novel or two when out and about in the human world to read during her time spent in the Shinigami Realm. It doesn't bother her that these sort of relations aren't allowed in the Shinigami Realm, as the only Shinigami that she doesn't really mind much is the King. She has a particular distain for Shinigami like Ryuk and Akino who meddle in the human world actively in their free time and break rules with little care in the process; as well as Shinigami who show extreme sympathy for humans, or who simply don't care about their jobs. A mid ranking Shinigami (on Ohba and Obata's scale in Death Note: How To Read Character Guide, she would be around a Level 3-4 Shinigami, Intelligence level of 6 out of 10, Curiosity level of 5 out of 10, Proactive level of 9 out of 10, Sympathy level of 2 out of 10, and a Murder Count level of 10/10).
Appearance: Quite petite, at around 5'2", and very green. Her skin is of a pale greenish tint, and her wings are eagle-like in appearance with dark green feathers. Her facial features are quite pointed and small, her lips dark green, her eyes ranging from dark green to red to yellow; she is in her best mood at green, agitated when they are red, and somewhere beyond angry when they go yellow. No eyebrows. Hair is dark green, very short, and feathered (a few feathers are even mixed throughout it). Her torso is very much covered in feathers, to her collar bone, eliminating any real need for a shirt (when she is forced to spend a large amount of time in the human realm, however, she prefers to don t-shirts with varying degrees of cute designs); the feathers stretch onward about midway down her thighs. At her knees, her skin turns charcoal and scaled, and her feet are the equivalent of large bird talons with three digits; her arms, at her elbows, also extend into talons, though these are only a bit larger than average hands and still contain five digits.

Unnamed Coming Soon Story (takes place in Mellow Out AU)
Iris
Name
: Irena Warner
Aliases: Iris
Age: 14 (at beginning of story)
DOB: November 5, 1985
Nationality: English
Background Info: Iris came from a wealthy background, with a business owner for a father who was generally more than willing to take time out of his schedule for her sake; her mother died when she was very young in a terrible car accident that she had nightmares about for much of her childhood, and her father made a promise to always be around. After months of watching the stocks go down and stress piling up, her father lost his business in late December of 1999 and snapped. He returned home with a gun the same night the business was lost, and, with promises that it would be better for her than living on the street as a begger, he shot Iris with the intent to kill; however, he only struck her shoulder. He was content enough when she went down; already having killed most of the help in their seaside manor (some had managed to escape when it was realized what he was doing), he returned downstairs, threw the gun on the sofa, entered the kitchen, and slit his throat. He missed his jugular by centimeters, and because of his claims in court that he felt that none of his actions were at all in the wrong, that they had been only for the good of himself and his daughter, he was carted off to an insane asylum. Iris, who had called the police herself from her room on her cell phone, was given an IQ test once her gunshot wound was mostly healed, and then sent to St. Andrew's, an orphanage near where she lived. After a month, the results of her IQ test came back with very positive results, and she was sent to Wammy's House.
Personality:
Iris is, overall, a bit submissive; she tries to stick up for herself, and does gradually get better at it, but is often soft spoken and a bit on the quiet side. Her own father and, after a short time at Wammy's, B, bring out an interest in psychology on her part, which contributes to her own growth. She can become very determined when set on a task. Though intelligent, she is by no means one of the most intelligent at Wammy's, falling somewhere in the mid-quartile range of her age group. She is mostly polite, but she does have a tendency to complain (sometimes inwardly, sometimes outwardly) if something isn't to her liking. She is appearance conscious, and often tends to be quick to judge others on first impression, something she has to force herself not to do as she becomes more actively interested in the field of Psychology.
Appearance: Blue-gray eyes, leaning more towards gray; medium-brown hair that falls a bit past her shoulders and is generally wavy when she hasn't done anything to style it. Average height and build. Clothes tend to be fitted rather than baggy, and consist of t-shirts, polos, button shirts; jeans, shorts, skirts; relatively nice shoes; few to no hats. Ears pierced. No other piercings, no tattoos. Little jewelry aside from earrings, generally only bracelets when jewelry is worn.

A Gaunt Tale
Katalina Gaunt
Real Name:
Katalina Annabelle Gaunt
Aliases: N/A
Age: 15
DOB: July 17, 1960
Nationality: English
Background Info: Born into a family of extremely proud purebloods. Mother dies when she is very young, and she is left with a father who pledges his allegiance first and foremost to Lord Voldemort, his “Dark Lord” and oldest friend; and a brother who is equally proud of his herritage. Is pulled out of Hogwarts after being sorted into Gryffindor due to her father’s disappointment in this placement. Is trained by her father in Dark Magic in her homeschooling with harsh punishment for failure and insubordination, causing a deep resent for her herritage and her father in particular. Escapes at the age of fifteen to go back to Hogwarts.
Personality: Hot-tempered, impulsive when angry, trouble-maker, easily annoyed, intelligent, defiant, slight hero-complex. Deeply ashamed of herritage, holds the few good friends she marks as dear to her as family. Would most likely kill James Potter if she could get away with it without anyone finding out.
Appearance: Straight, auburn hair, trimmed up to around shoulder length. Pale turquoise eyes (trademark of her father’s mother’s family). Pale complexion. Average height, average build, prefers muggle clothes to Hogwarts uniform and will wear them whenever she can get away with it.


A Gaunt Tale
Alfred Gaunt
Real Name: Alfred Timothy Gaunt
Aliases: N/A
Age: 17
DOB: December 17, 1957
Nationality: English
Background Info: Born into a family of extremely proud purebloods. Mother dies early in his life, and he is left to live with his father, who is an old friend of the Dark Lord, and his sister, a traitor to their family name. Houses some envy for his sister when she is pulled out of Hogwarts in her first year to learn about dark magic and their family history while he is stuck at Hogwarts with an innumerable amount of muggleborns and blood traitors. Becomes a Death Eater summer before his seventh year against the protest of his father, which surprises him greatly when his father is the right-hand of Voldemort.
Personality: Generally rude and rather unpleasant towards muggleborns, blood traitors, and half-bloods. Proud of herritage. Jealous-natured. Mostly obedient to his superiors, but has a bit of a power-complex. Even before they grow to be able to stand each other in Hogwarts, he is still occasionally protective of his younger sister and takes the fall when it involves punishment from their father, knowing he won't get it nearly as badly as she would.
Appearance: Thick, wavy, light brown hair, nearly shoulder length. Pale turquoise eyes (trademark of paternal grandmother's family). Tall height, average build, wears wizarding robes as often as possible, and always wears Head Boy badge durring Hogwarts school year, whether in castle or at Hogsmeade.

A Gaunt Tale
Timothy Gaunt

Real Name: Timothy Morfin Gaunt
Aliases: N/A
Age: 48
DOB: August 3, 1927
Nationality: British
Background Info: Born to a kind mother and a sociopathic father, as an only child, but mother dies in a "magic-related accident" at an early age. Only knows his father as family early in life, and has to cope for himself for most of his life, as well as take care of his father. Befriends Tom Riddle at a young age, but stops considering him a friend after Riddle makes his first Horcrux and considers him more of an ally, then later an enemy for unknown reasons. Marries Annabelle Potts in 1954. Has two children, Alfred and Katalina Gaunt. Annabelle dies in an unfortunate magic-related accident shortly after the birth of Katalina. Spends the remainder of his life attempting to mold his defiant daughter into a proper pureblood.
Personality: Angry, confused about his own beliefs. Cares about his remaining (albeit rather small) family despite outward actions towards them. Irritable and impulsively violent when angry.
Appearance: Semi-long, straight, black hair. Black goatee often described as “demonic” or “satan-like.” Turquoise eyes (trademark of his mother’s family). Tall height, average build, dresses in a neat manner and refuses at any point in time to ever wear muggle clothing, even in public. Always seen wearing a gold chain with a charm tucked beneath his robes and a gold ring with a large, black stone with an odd symbol engraved into it that many associate with the dark wizard Grindelwald.

A Gaunt Tale
Peuerellus

Real Name: N/A
Aliases: Peuerellus
Age: N/A
DOB: N/A
Nationality: N/A
Background Info: Takes over Timothy Gaunt’s position as the Dark Lord’s right hand after Timothy “betrays” Voldemort. Very cautious about letting people know his identity – always uses Polyjuice Potion when in the prescence of anyone other than the Dark Lord. Generally transforms into Terentius Malfoy (father of Lucius Malfoy), who he prefers over his original choice of Walburga Black (mother of Sirius and Regulus Black) as it is better adapted to dueling and fighting, though he often complains about Malfoy’s greasy hair while transformed. Many of the Dark Lord’s followers dislike and mistrust him, and he knows this and finds it amusing. Is entrusted with many important tasks, such as retrieving things for the Dark Lord and doing killings in the Dark Lord’s name, which he takes great pride in.
Personality: Obedient only to Voldemort. Extremely defiant, extremely satirical in the worst sense of the word – basically a complete jerk. Enjoys tormenting those he knows won’t attempt to kill him. Also enjoys killing in creative ways.

A Second Heir
Timothy Gaunt

Real Name: Timothy Morfin Gaunt
Aliases: N/A
Age: At start of story, 16
DOB: August 3, 1927
Nationality: British
Background Info: Born to a kind mother and a sociopathic father, as an only child, but mother dies in a "magic-related accident" at an early age. Only knows his father as family, and has to cope for himself for most of his life, as well as take care of his father. Begins experimenting with magic at an early age – regardless of being a pureblooded wizard, he finds magic extremely fascinating. Begins learning Legilimency and Occlumency two years before entering school and masters them a few weeks into first year entering school. Meets Tom Riddle on Hogwarts Express, and the two boys become friends quickly. Begins dating Annabelle Potts in fifth year, helps Riddle open chamber of secrets in sixth year.
Personality: Proud of herritage, ashamed of father. Disregard for rules and teachers who enforce them. Despises any and all Gryffindors and ridicules them often. Kind to those he believes deserve kindness, but often exhibits extremely dry sarcasm that tends to annoy both friends and enemies. Has a powerful, commanding personality outward, but is inwardly rather frightened of his own friend, Riddle’s, growing power.
Appearance: Semi-long, thick, straight black hair. Pale turquoise eyes (trademark of his mother’s family). Tall height, average build, is often known to wear the same robes two or three days in a row after falling asleep in them. Often seen (or rather, not seen) out at night in an invisibility cloak that belongs to his girlfriend.

A Second Heir
Annabelle Potts

Real Name: Anna Belinda Potter
Aliases: Annabelle Potts
Age: At start of story, 16
DOB: August 19, 1927
Nationality: British
Background Info: Born into a family of what she describes as “filthy idiots who don’t give a rat’s arse about their herritage.” Does not lay claim to her family and insists after being sorted into Slytherin in her first year that she be called by a different name, begging even teachers to do so, to avoid familiarity with her seventh year brother. Develops a crush on Timothy Gaunt in the first week of her first year, but barely speaks to him until their forth year when she undergoes a change in attitude and hair color over her summer break, becoming more assertive and talkative; and the two begin dating toward the end of their fourth year. Tries to talk him out of his friendship with Tom Riddle, who she is extremely distrustful of, but is eventually convinced that Tom Riddle’s ways are correct as well and grows to trust Riddle more than even Timothy trusts him.
Personality: Controlling, but caring. Wants any and all Muggleborns, Muggles, and blood traitors to suffer severely painful deaths. Sneaky, but regards most rules. Proud of her pureblooded heritage, but not of her immediate family.
Appearance: Naturally dark blonde but dyedbright red hair, shoulder length, straight. Pale green eyes. Short height, average build, prefers light-weight robes made of sheer material with muggle clothing underneath to Hogwarts uniforms, but manages to cope durring the school year.

Serpentine
Morena Serran
Real Name: Morena Serran
Aliases: N/A
Age: At start of story, 18
DOB: April 25, 1907
Nationality: Irish
Background Info: Born into a long line of purebloods and sorted into Slytherin for her ambition and cunning knack for fooling others. Despises her father, who has only laid his hands on her once in her whole life but beats her mother on a daily basis. Lives on a farm, where she has been working since she was old enough to work. Wasn’t liked well at Hogwarts because of her sarcastic nature when she wasn’t being completely reserved and withdrawn. Often preferred the company of books to the company of people. Is ushered into work for Grindelwald after he kills her parents, having been given the choice of either working as his servant (more or less) or being brutally murdered. Became an animagi between her first and fifth years at Hogwarts, in which she discovered her animagus to be a snake. Grindelwald uses this ability of hers to spy on the Gaunt family in an attempt to get Marvolo Gaunt’s ring, one of three items he has sought since he was a teenager in Durmstrang. She is eventually forced by Grindelwald to charm Morfin Gaunt into marriage, and they have one child before Morena mysteriously goes missing.
Personality: Pureblood witch by herritage, but not by nature. She has no problems with any Muggles unless they have a problem with her or are exceedingly rude, and she shares the same issues with others in the magical community if the exhibit similar behaviors. Exceedingly sarcastic and rather rebellious towards people who consider themselves to be superior to her, and extremely cunning.
Appearance: Long, thin, straight, rather untidy black hair. Very pale complexion. Narrow, bright turquoise eyes (from her father’s side of her family) with permanent dark circles beneath them; thin lips; narrow nose. Average height, thin to the point of frailness due to the almost constant lack of food in her home. Described by peers at Hogwarts as either snake-or-vampire-like, earning her the nicknames of “Morena Moccasin” and “that vampire girl.” Generally wears standard wizarding attire.

Muffins of DEATH (coming soon to a Bloodstaind Comma profile near you!)
Thomas Burr (Character by Sparanda)
Real Name:
William Thomas Burr
Aliases: Thomas, Tom, (screenname)TomBurr
Age: 18
DOB: April 20, 1988
Nationality: American
Location: Carolina Night University, Union Mills, NC
Personality: Quiet. Keeps to himself mostly - that is… unless he’s playing video games. Nintendo Wii, Guitar Hero, Halo, etc. He plays. And he plays to winz. If you play Tom online, pray that you lose… cause he can hax your computer and make it lolcatz till it loldiez. Otherwise he's fairly quiet.
Appearance: 6’1” 165 lbs. Average build. Short (two to three inches in length), generally spiked black hair, black eyes. Typically wears band t-shirts, mostly Aerosmith, but he might wear Metallica or Blue Öyster Cult on some days. Typically wears blue jeans, with a high possibility of there being an Aerosmith logo on the outside of one of the back pockets. Wears black tennis shoes. Wears a guitar pendant around his neck.

Hearing Problems
Lyon
Real Name: Lyon D. Rolf
Aliases: Hurricane Lyon, as christened by the World Government. "Captain of the Cuddley Pirates," as christened by his first mate who he then pushed off a staircase. Lyon the Devil, as later christened by the marines.
Age: At start of story, 23
DOB: Can't tell, really. Dunno about months and whatnot in One Piece. So. I'll let you know once I get that all figured out, if I get that all figured out.
Nationality: Dunno nationality names, but he was born on a small island in a small village in the New World (second half of the Grand Line).
Background Info: Born to mother Lyon D. Helena and... well, according to him, that's it, he's a freak of nature who doesn't have a father who happens to work as a vice admiral for the marines. His brother might, but definitely not him. We'll learn more about that later. He set off to become a pirate when he was fifteen because it all got rather boring around when his brother left to overthrow the World Government and he needed something to do. His mother had been a pirate and it sounded like a good idea at the time, so he set off in a little boat without anything but a little boat, a flag, a guitar he couldn't actually play but had always rather admired and as he was going to be a pirate it wouldn't be too big of a deal if he just sort of took it and ran, a tricorne hat that had washed up on shore, a sense of boredom, and a decent supply of rum. After a long while of sailing about without food or a Log Pose, he came across a remote island, which he got off and to search for food upon. After a brief scuffle with a seagull, he ate a fruit he found and set off again, only to discover when he landed himself on a large calm patch of water that the fruit had been a Kaze Kaze (wind) no Mi devil fruit that had given him the power to influence, create, or become wind. This created a lot of weather problems for a lot of other people, later earning him the nickname Hurricane Lyon. He purchased a Log Pose on the next island, found out how to use it, and stocked up on a few things he didn't realize he would need earlier while there. He then set out to find a larger ship, found one, tried to hijack it, found out that it was actually Gol D. Roger's ship, lost with flying colors to Shanks and Buggy who were guarding the Oro Jackson at the time, and was allowed to join the crew as an apprentice by Roger who found him rather entertaining if nothing else. On this ship, he grew to be friends with Shanks and Buggy both, but found himself a rival in Zabat Janx, a crew member of the same age with whom he had a lot of differences for no reason except for the fact that they were both too much alike and were therefore arguing all the time. They would be rivals for some time, but due to a series of events that will be covered sometime in some story, Janx ended up becoming the second ever first mate on Lyon's ship after Roger's execution. Lyon ended up accidentilly getting his original first mate - who we shall call Sedna - pregnant while they were both drunk after two years aboard the same ship, then realizing he had accidentilly fallen in love with her long before that, but the realization was short-lived because she died shortly after childbirth. She had wanted to name her daughter Karimi, and so it was, and so Karimi stayed on the ship, leaving its very confused eighteen-year-old captain in charge of both the entire crew and a young child.
Personality: Ditzy as hell. Prefers acting on whims to making actual plans just because the results are more fun. Fights sobriety - an entity he considers demonic - tooth and nail as often as he can, and gets into horrible, rational moods that he hates when he loses his battles with it. Is generally a good leader, but occasionally grows overwhelmed when too many extremely bad things happen at the same time. Generally manages to pull through anyway, but more often than not needs a good bit of help from his first mate in descision making. Easily bored, likes action, yells at the wind a lot more than the average person (and it listens a lot more than it would listen to the average person, too). The only things he really feels strongly about are his family, however small and unknown it may be, and the World Government, which he truly hates enough to have been a Revolutionary. Such a job would be too serious for him, however, so he sticks to piracy and to fighting the World Government only when they pick fights with him.
Appearance: Somewhat tall, average build. Long dirty blond hair that doesn't particularly enjoy lying flat, and therefore will never do so just on general principle. This caused villagers in his old hometown to take to calling him by his surname Lyon rather than his given Rolf, because his hair amusingly reminded a lot of people of a lion's mane. He doesn't appreciate the pun, but definitely prefers his surname to his first, which he would have changed if he had any way of doing so. Dark blue eyes, generally with a rather evil glint of trouble in them because he's generally looking for trouble, and a rather evil grin to add to this. Wears an old tricorne that washed ashore at his village when he was younger, carries with him a very old acoustic guitar that he can hardly play - he honestly just likes the look of it -, and is often seen with a bottle of some sort of liquor in his hand, most often rum.

Hearing Problems
Karimi
Real Name: Lyon D. Karimi
Aliases: Becomes a full-fledged pirate after her father is nicknamed Lyon the Devil by the World Government. The government recognizes her and christens her on her wanted posters as the Devil's Daughter.
Age: At start of story, 5
DOB: Can't tell, really. Dunno about months and whatnot in One Piece. So. I'll let you know once I get that all figured out, if I get that all figured out.
Nationality: Dunno nationality names, but she was born on a ship in the first half of the Grand Line
Background Info: The daughter of Lyon D. Rolf and a woman we only know as Sedna at the moment, Karimi was more or less destined to be a pirate from the moment she was born. She grows to love the sea and travelling at a very young age, accidentily consumes a devil fruit that allows her to hear the thoughts of others, and spends quite some time aboard her father's ship before leaving it to go out on her own and find her own crew. She ends up at Whiskey Peak after the Baroque takeover at the age of sixteen and manages to sort out her issues with them by agreeing, though reluctantly, to join them. She works as a Frontier and and Officer agent durring this time, though she befriends Vivi and helps her out with trying to get rid of Baroque secretly. All this leads to her meeting the Strawhats, who she joins on the condition that she will leave whenever she pleases to create her own crew. Me, I'm tired and don't feel like typing much more after Lyon's epic tale up there, so I'll get back to you on this one.
Personality: Keeps quiet a lot, but this is mostly because she can hardly hear herself speak over everyone else's thoughts. Can be sarcastic, likes to use her power to her advantage (so somewhat manipulative), and enjoys a good bit of fun. Impulsive, but will take the time to plan things when necessary. Prefers to work silently rather than in the middle of everything - so doesn't like attracting unneeded attention to herself, in other words.
Appearance: Average height, average build. Long dark green hair that doesn't particularly enjoy lying flat, and therefore will never do so just on general principle. A lot of people compare it to a pine tree, but those people generally come out the ordeal with a black eye or something. Wide dark blue eyes, a fairly evil grin. Wears an old tricorne that she got from her father, and carries an old guitar that she can play decently but doesn't really bother with because it's more or less just a memento to her.

Hearing Problems
Janx
Real Name: Zabat Janx
Aliases: Whiskey Shot Janx, a World Government name on behalf of the fact that he carries a gun in one holster on his belt and a bottle of whiskey in the other, and is the crew's sharpshooter as well as first mate. "First Mate of the Cuddly Pirates" by his captain, who is then pushed into an innocent bystander who turns out to be a Marine officer and... well, let's just wait until we get to that part of the story.
Age: At start of story, 23
DOB: Can't tell, really. Dunno about months and whatnot in One Piece. So. I'll let you know once I get that all figured out, if I get that all figured out.
Nationality: Dunno nationality names, but he was born in North Blue.
Background Info: Born in the North Blue to a sailor father and a very sick mother; his father was a crewman on a merchant vessel that made regular trips to and from the port town they lived in and was around regularly. At five years old, Janx's mother passed away from an incurable terminal disease that doctors had only managed to fend off for that long, and Janx was taken onboard his father's ship as a cabinboy. The ship was stormed by pirates and looted when he was around ten, and he managed to avoid being killed himself by surrendering to these pirates. Rather than keep him on board the ship, they sold him into slavery in the Grand Line; he managed to escape this a year later and set off on his own, but didn't last for long at all. He was found alone, half-dehydrated on a remote island by the crew of Gol D. Roger and taken on board as a trainee--it took him a few years to accept this, but as time went by and he saw that Gol D. Roger's crew was a bit more honorable than the pirates that had killed the majority of the merchant crew he had worked with alongside his father, he grew to enjoy this new life at the oposite side of the law. He did tend to hold a more serious, begrudging nature as a teenager, but grew to be decent friends with Buggy and Shanks in spite of this. He found a rival in Lyon when the boy boarded the ship, mostly in distain of Lyon's utter careless demeanor. When Roger was hung, Lyon attempted to put aside their differences and offered Janx a spot aboard his own ship, travelling with Shanks as the aspiring captains set out to look for their own crews; Janx positively refused, and went off on his own. He formed a crew, and set his goal to search for the pirates that had murdered his father. When he discovered the captain of the ship was a man that had once worked alongside Lyon's mother, he tracked Lyon down again and managed to kidnap Lyon's first mate, Sedna, as leverage to force Lyon to cooperate with him. Lyon was more than willing; the man had made a permanent home at Lyon's home island only a few years after the murder of Janx's father, and went by the name of Dragnus Zolt. As a sort of insurance, Janx kept Senda with him, who was more than willing to make the trip herself; she still held a distain for any member of the crew of her captain's mother, who had murdered her pirate hunter parents. She had something of a change of heart when she arrived, but Janx was more than happy to go through with his intents; once they found the undetectable island, the young captain and his crew stormed the town and Janx shot and killed Dragnus himself as the retired pirate cowered in his home, his wife and young children hiding in a locked bedroom. It was a decision he would later come to regret. Still hard at work on his history; it's actually something I've been thinking about quite a lot lately, as I've been converting him into a D&D-able character and I needed a background story for him xD All of this is going to play quiiiite nicely into my One Piece stories.
Personality: Loud. Sarcastic. Excellent sharpshooter. Likes to pick fights just for the sake of being able to brag about winning later on. Likes to drink competetively. Likes to compete competetively. In other words, just overall competetive. Enjoys a good bit of action and a good bit of fun. Hates staying in one place for a long time and doesn't like how long it takes to get from one place to another.
Appearance: Quite tall, average build, wide brown eyes and medium length, rather messy medium length (not quite to shoulders) dark blue (a couple shades lighter than black at the very most, but no more than that) hair. Grins as though he is enjoying some sort of private joke quite often, and quite often is enjoying some private joke, and it is quite often at someone else's expense, most likely his captain's. Has the general carefree look of the sort of pirate who just doesn't give a damn about anything aside from fighting, drinking, women, money, and travelling, in no particular order of preference because they're all appealing enough to him. On a gun belt, carries one pistol in a holster and one whiskey bottle in another custom holster that can, in desperate situations, be used to create a makeshift bomb as a distraction, though it's often just for drinking. On his back is a custom-made leather holster for his favorite rifle, which he has had and kept in working condition for quite some time.

Any Way the Wind Blows
Sedna

Real Name: Sedna Beckman
Aliases: N/A
Age: Few months younger than Lyon; sixteen when introduced.
DOB: Can't say, since I still know nothing about the years in One Piece.
Nationality: Don't know nationality names, but she comes from a currently unnamed winter island in the Grand Line.
Background Info: Sedna is, as you might have maybe guessed from her surname, the sister of Ben Beckman. His past isn't exactly covered in One Piece, so I took free reign over it. He's eight-ish years older than her, probably, and their parents were pirate hunters who died when Sedna was only a baby, at the hands of one Lyon D. Helena and her crew. The circumstances were mostly unknown to them; they were raised in an orphanage on the island, and Ben got them both out when he was old enough to leave on his own. He found work at a small tavern in town, and Sedna worked at the same establishment a couple years later. The owners were an elderly couple that practically took the kids in as their own, and left the place to them once they had both passed away in a few years; Seda would have been roughly fifteen at this time. The town didn't generally see many pirates; though in the Grand Line, pirates were not welcome in the town, and generally kept to other parts of the largely unsettled island while there to set their Log Pose. A year after the Beckham siblings had come into ownership of this tavern, however, Lyon and Shanks happened to stumble upon the island and, indeed, stumble right past an array of No Pirates signs, right into the tavern. The two had been drifting in a very small boat for some time and were in need of a larger one, preferably one that didn't have a hole; but their first order of business was more rum. Sedna was suspicious of the two from the moment they entered, but had little worry as there were only two of them, and the two of them together looked as though they would be little to no match for her brother. She nearly drew the line when Lyon happily informed them upon being asked that they were pirate captains looking to recruit crew members, and did blow her lid when he mentioned his name was Lyon; he found himself staring down the barel of a very menacing revolver and being told to leave. Ben showed the two a little more sympathy, since they certainly looked to be of positively no threat. I'm still busy working out how the two were convinced to come along and join the double-crew that would eventually split off into the Shanks' and Lyon's respective crews; I know, at least, that Sedna isn't going to be nearly as willing to go along.
Personality: She has a no nonsense attitude that has, on more than one occasion, saved the rear of her careless captain. With a sharp tongue, a short temper, and a tendency to be deadly with those who get on her bad side, she is a formidable enemy for anyone to have. She isn't physically extremely powerful, but she's quite a good shot with a revolver and doesn't hesitate with pulling the trigger. In spite of this, she has a motherly side that eventually leads to her growing a bit more fond of the rather childish Lyon than she would really like to. She has a severe aversion to heat due to living on a winter island for her entire life.
Appearance: Average height and slimly built, with a pale skin tone. She has straight, dark green hair that thins out towards the bottom of her neck and doesn't go past it, and gray-green eyes. Her clothes are generally a black t-shirt and a plain pair of pants or skirt; she wears a parka over her shirt sometimes at her home island and at other winter islands, but has a higher tolerance for the cold and generally only bothers with jackets in extreme conditions. On spring and summer islands, she generally opts for sleaveless shirts and shorts, but still isn't great at dealing with such warm conditions.

A note to my readers:
You guys are all seriously freaking awesome. Thank you for all the reviews and favoriting and whatnot.


Quote(s) of the Day. Or week. Possibly of the Month if I Get Lazy.
"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking-stuffer."
"Do you think when some guy came up with the idea to invent a bong, a black light popped up over his head?"
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
"At the end of my letters, I like to write 'P.S., This is what part of the alphabet would look like if "Q" and "R" were eliminated.'"
(06-29-08)

“Ok, I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock beats Scissors, but there’s no way that Paper can beat Rock! Paper is supposed to magically ‘wrap around’ Rock leaving it immobile? Then, why the hell can’t Paper do this to Scissors? In fact, screw Scissors! Why can’t Paper do this to people? Why aren’t sheets of college-ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I’ll tell you why! It’s because Paper can’t beat anybody! A Rock would tear that shit up in about two seconds! When I play ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors,’ I always choose Rock. Then, when someone claims they’ve beaten me with their Paper, I punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say something like, ‘Oh shit, I’m sorry. I thought Paper would protect you.’”
(06-30-08)

(Death Note)
Misa
: Hey... this doesn't feel like a date like this...
L: Don't mind me. Are you going to eat that cake?
Misa: I watch the sweets because they make you fat...
L: If you use your head, you won't get fat even if you eat sweets.
Misa: Oh! There you go making fun of me again... How about if I give you the cake, will you leave me and Light alone together?
L: Even if I leave you two alone together, I can watch from the cameras, so it's the same thing.
Misa: I told you that's perverted! Will you stop with that kind of fettish?!
L: Say what you want, but I will be taking the cake.
()

(Death Note)
Light
: What's up?
L: Another of Matsuda's unimportant idiocies.
Light: Well Matsuda does have that natural ignorance.
Matsuda: ... Those two know we can hear them, right?
()
(07-01-08)

"When you sleep every night, you miss out on half of your life."
"Procrastinators of the world unite!... tomorrow."
"I put the _ in lazy."
(07-15-08)

"I tried counting sheep, but they were jumping over the fence too fast, and they were making 'doi-oi-oing' noises, like cartoons. Then I tried counting zombies, but they were going too slow, and after the first few they started tripping over the fence."- My brother, on the subject of sleep. I laughed my fucking ass off.
(07-17-08)

"Furbleburb biznotches!"
"Hey you. -points- Yeah, you. No, not you... that other guy. You right there! Yes, you. Do you like tacos?"
"It's a bird! It's a plane! It's SUPERMAN!! No, wait... it's only a bird. My bad. I got confused because it was a bird wearing a cape."

(Death Note)
"But that makes Kira cheap and uncool... That's not groovy at all."
- Matsuda
()
(07-21-08)

"As they say in West Virginia, don't play grab-ass with a bull unless you're willing to get the horns."
- My step-dad, on the subject of me attempting to pour soda on his head =P . He's from West Virginia, in case ya couldn't infer that.
(07-26-08)

(Pirates of teh Caribbean)
Norrington: You hired me. I can't help it if your standards are lax.
Jack: You smell funny.

(Pirates of teh Caribbean)
"And that was without a single drop of rum." (Jack)
"But why is the rum gone??"(Jack)
"Why is the rum always gone? -stumbles- Oh. -regains composure- That's why." (Jack)
"It's remarkable how often those two traits coincide." (Jack)
"It's a Key!" (Marty) "No! Much more better! It is a drawring of a key." (Jack)
"No! If we don't have the key, we can't open whatever it is we don't have that it unlocks. So what purpose would be served in finding whatever need be unlocked, which we don't have, without first having found the key what unlocks it?" (Jack)
(07-28-08)

(Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
Launcelot: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Galahad: I don't think I was.
Launcelot: Yes you were. You were in terrible peril.
Galahad: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
Launcelot: No, it's too perilous.
Galahad: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
Launcelot: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!
Galahad: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
Launcelot: No. It's unhealthy.
Galahad: I bet you're gay.
Launcelot: No I'm not.
(07-30-08)

There is no perfect place, yes I know this is true
I’m just learning how to smile, that’s not easy to do
I know there will come a day when we can leave and just go running away
Everclear, "Learning How To Smile"
(08-02-08)

You say you want a revolution
Well, you know, we all want to change the world
You tell me that it's evolution
Well, you know, we all want to change the world
But when you talk about destruction
Don't you know that you can count me out
The Beatles, "Revolution"

You can dream a little dream or you can live a little dream
I'd rather live it
'Cause dreamers always chase but never get it
Aesop Rock, "No Regrets"

When you were young and your heart was an open book
You used to say live and let live
But if this ever changing world in which we live in
Makes you give in and cry
Say live and let die
The Beatles, "Live and Let Die"

Life is too short so love the one you got
'Cause you might get run over or you might get shot
Sublime!, "What I Got"

Politicians hide themselves away
They only started the war
Why should they go out to fight?
They leave that all to the poor
Time will tell on their power minds
Making war just for fun
Treating people just like pawns in chess
Wait til their judgement day comes
Black Sabbath, "War Pigs"
In case your wondering, I'm listening to bunches a music right now.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Arthur
: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!
Black Knight: Yes I have!
Arthur: Look!
Black Knight: -looks- It's just a flesh wound.

Black Knight: You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!

Bedevere: What makes you think she is a witch?
Villager: She turned me into a newt!
Bedevere: A newt?
Villager: I've gotten better...

Dennis: You can't expect to weild supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

French Guard: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so called Arthur King-a, you and all your silly English k-nnnnnnnigets!
Galahad: What a strange person.
Arthur: Now look here, my good man -
French Guard: I don' wanna talk-a to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hampster and your father smelt of elderberries!

Left Head of Three Headed Guy: Oh, all right, all right, all right! We'll kill him first, and then have tea and biscuits!
(08-03-08)

Death Note
L:-while examining evidence- Hair... crumbs from a cracker snack... Yagami-san, if I die in the coming days, your son is Kira... more hair...
Yagami:-snaps suddenly into focus- What?!

Death Note
(Practicing lines for Misa's Yotsuba meeting)
Aiber: Misa-san, you came to Tokyo hoping to meet Kira.
Misa: Eh?!
L: Okay, Misa-san, I know that line is a bunch of bull, but don't overdo it.
Misa: Whaat?? That's what people call first class acting!
L: Let's try this again.
Misa: -sarcasically- Yes, Directer-Ryuzaki sir...
L: Misa-san, please take this seriously or I may have to kick you.

Death Note
Misa
: If you're going to be with him 24/7, how is Misa going to go on dates with Light?
L: On dates it will have to be the three of us...
Misa: What? Are you telling me that when I kiss him, it's going to be in front of you?!
L: I never said you had to kiss him. However, I will be observing.
Misa: Huuuh?? What's with that?! I knew it, you are a pervert!
L: Light, can you please make Misa be quiet?
(08-05-08)

Well, woke up this morning with a wine glass in my hand
Whose wine? What wine? Where the hell did I dine?
Peter Frampton, "Do You Feel Like We Do"
That's my favorite line from any song ever.

Sail away where no ball and chain can keep us from the roarin waves
Together undivided but forever we'll be free
Sail away aboard our rid, the moon is full and so are we
Seven drunken pirates, we're the seven deadly sins
Flogging Molly, "Seven Deadly Sins"

I bang on the door but she won't let me in
'Cause you're sick and tired of me reeking of gin
You lock all the doors from the front to the back
and left me a note telling me I should pack

I walk in the bar and the fella's all cheer
Order me up a whiskey and beer
If you're asking me why I'm writing this poem
Some call it a tavern but I call it home

Fuck you I'm drunk, fuck you I'm drunk
Pour my beer down the drain, I've got more in the trunk
Fuck you I'm drunk, fuck you I'm drunk
And I'm gonna be drunk 'til the next time I'm drunk

You've given me an option, you said I must choose
'tween you and the liquor, then I'll take the booze
I'm jumpin' on Western down to the south side
Where I'll sit down and exercise my Irish Pride
I don't know who it's by. If anyone does know for sure, tell me.
I have sources that say The Dropkick Murpheys and others that say Flogging Molly.
Then there's some other bands entirely.
So, someone, HELP!
Anywho, song's called "Fuck You, I'm Drunk"
(08-08-08)(too many eights!)

"I don't have a gambling problem. I'm winning. Winning is not a problem. That's like sayin' Def Leppard has an awesomeness problem. Pour some sugar on that."
- Jason Lee as Earl Hickey in television series My Name is Earl
(08-11-08)

(From The Academy by Bently Little. I give credit where credit is due. Just like my one English teacher said that one year. My English teacher this year was a drunk bitch who didn't know how to teach. Anywhos.)
--
Ed whistled. “Fuck howdy with a dick water sandwich à la mode.”

Brad turned toward him. “You’ve been saying that same stupid phrase since grammar school and it makes no sense whatsoever. What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Ed looked back levelly. “How would I know? I was in grammar school when I thought of it."

"Then don't say it."

"I like the way it sounds."
--

(I do not own any rights to this story, I just nearly died of laughter at this part. Please don't sue me. I am merely posting this because I appreciated the humor. If there are any objections from anyone who does own rights and ya want me to take it off, please feel free to tell me because getting sued scares the shit outa me.)

"It's okay, Pluto. I'm not a planet, either."
Uncredited, it was on some T-shirt I saw. But Pluto is my favorite planet. Or was. Until those bullying scientists said it was inept and started calling it a dwarf. They're just pissed because they used to be nerds in school, so now they're bullying intergallactic bodies to compensate for their troubled childhoods! It's injustice! -clears throat- Okay. Outburst finished.
(08-12-08)

I will be singing in the rain when it all goes wrong again.
Everclear, "It All Goes Wrong Again"
(08-18-08)

"My goal is to be one with the music."
- Jimi Hendrix

"I recognized my own creative voice filtered through those six strings."
- Slash

"Without music, life would be a mistake."
- Friedrich Nietsche

"Music is a discipline, a mistress of order and good manners; she makes the people milder and gentler, more moral and more reasonable."
- Martin Luther
(10-4-08)

"An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth" only leaves you with a bunch of toothless blind people."

(((AIM conversation regarding Muffins of Death fic)))
I just had a bad thought...
what if Chuck Norris reads our fic and comes to RoundHouse Kick us?
I think he would understand that it's just two people who think he's awesome writing a fic that emphasizes his awesomeness.
We're technically promoting him.
and the awesomeness of the work "fummin"
=0 what if Chuck Norris reads the fic and starts using the word fummin?
xD yes!
woot for us! :
cyberspace high five!
:
Yay! I'm not going to get roundhouse kicked in the face!
(02-08-09)

"Mucha metaphysical, man." - Mune, Chrono Trigger

"There's a letter here. Shall we burn it?" - Magus, Chrono Trigger
(03-10-09)


I found this too funny not to put on my profile. I hijacked it from someone else, though.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"


Chuck Norris
Yes. There is a Chuck Norris section on meh profile.
And it'll roundhouse kick you in the face if you've got a problem with it.

1. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plan with his finger by yelling "BANG!"

2. In fine print on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records, it notes that all records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

3. When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

4. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

5. Chuck Norris can murder the dead.

6. If you have 5 dollars and Chuck Norris has 5 dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

7. Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

8. Chuck Norris knows where the lost city of Atlantis is, because it sank when he roundhouse kicked it.

9. Jesus could walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.

10. The devil only went down to Georgia because that's where he landed when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him out of hell.

11. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

12. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

13. Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

14. When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

15. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch; he decides what time it is.

16. A Chuck Norris-delivered roundhouse kick is the prefered method of execution in sixteen states.

17. Chuck Norris doesn't have to write books; the words assemble themselves out of fear.

18. While taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

19. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

20. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

21. When Chuck Norris jumps in the ocean, he doesn't get wet - the ocean gets Chuck Norris'd.

22. At the start of every summer, Chuck Norris begins practicing his roundhouse
kicks outside. We know this as hurricane season.

23. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

24. Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder
County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does
not 'attempt' murder.

25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of
tennis.

26. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

27. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

28. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

29. The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a
mistake.

30. There's an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris ... Just kidding,
Chuck Norris is first.

31. Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

32. Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

33. Chuck Norris was once put on the wrapper for a toilet paper company, the
company field tested it and it didn't work because Chuck Norris doesn't take
crap from nobody.

34. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

35. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today
as Giraffes.

36. When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never
slap Chuck Norris.

37. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of
the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

38. Someone once challenged Chuck Norris to arm wrestle... that person is now
known as Captain Hook.

39. A man stopped Chuck Norris on the street and asked him what his favorite
Chuck Norris fact was. Unamused, Chuck Norris raised one eyebrow with such
force that the man spontaneously combusted.

40. Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one
fools Chuck Norris.

41. Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into
concrete.

42. When he is alone at night, Chuck Norris likes to wear slippers with bunnies
on them. Real bunnies.

43. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

44. It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden
barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

45. Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

46. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earheart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Thanks to Sparanda for numbers 21-46 :)

Aaand I'll add more whenever I get bored.

These are also hijacked from Sparanda, who hijacked them from a Chuck Norris facebook page.
As they are the facts of life, the universe, and everything, you all must read them and embrace them, lest you should meet your end in the face of a deadly Chuck Norris-delievered roundhouse kick to the face.
Of course, some may not be child appropriate, because Chuck Norris himself is too badass to be child appropriate. Get over it.

1. Chuck Norris made you read this!

2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

7. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

10. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

11. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

12. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

13. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

14. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

15. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

16. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

17. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

18. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

19. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

20. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

21. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

22. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

23. Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. it's a shame he never cries...never.

24. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it. Just kidding, Chuck Norris has no friends, only enemies.

25. Chuck Norris sweats Snapple.

26. Chuck Norris runs with scissors and other people get hurt.

27. Chuck Norris has a pet kitten - every night for a snack.

28. When Chuck Norris plays Tetris, the game runs out of pieces to give him.

29. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, He decides what time it is.

30. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

31. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

32. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

33. Chuck Norris once punched a woman in the because she didn't give exact change.

34. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, roundhouse kicked everyone in the face who had a poped collar, drank two kegs, and s on the living room carpet. Just because he's Chuck Norris.

35. The Chinese had two ideas to keep the Mongols out. Sadly, Chuck Norris works for no man so they had to settle on the Great Wall.

36. A blind guy stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe and Chuck Norris yelled at him. The sound of Chuck Norris' voice enabled him to see. Unfortunately the first and last thing he saw was a fatal roundhouse kick to his face.

37. Chuck Norris used to be pro-life- then he started eating babies.

38. Children wear Superman pajamas, but Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas

39. Chuck Norris doesn't need a key to unlock his door he just threatens it and it unlocks.

40. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

41. If you can see Chuck Norris he can see you. If you can't see him you may be seconds away from death.

42. One guy told Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks were not the most efficient way to kick people. This was recorded as the biggest mistake in history.

43. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

44. Cars were invented as a way to run from Chuck Norris, and then Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

45. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

46. Chuck Norris and Fabio once got into a fight over the "I can't believe its not butter" product. Chuck decided that it was butter, but Fabio wouldn't listen. BIG MISTAKE. Chuck kicked Fabio in the forehead killing him instantly. Chuck then dragged Fabio around town by his hair because he is Chuck Norris.

47. Chuck Norris masturbates to pictures of himself.

48. In a recent survey of the U.S. 94 of females lost their virginity to Chuck Norris, the other 6 were either extremely fat or ugly.

49. Ghosts are acutally the result of Chuck Norris killing people faster then death can process them.

50. Chuck Norris has VIAGRA eye drops just so he looks Hard.

51. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story; Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

52. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

53. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

54. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

55. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong.

56. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

57. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

58. When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

59. Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.

60. Chuck Norris uses pepper spray for lube.

61. Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

62. Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

63. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

64. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

65. Chuck Norris knows everything except for the definition of mercy.

66. Google won't search for Chuck Norris, because it knows that you dont find Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris Finds you.

67. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

68. Chuck norris is the only man alive to beat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

69. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry. The man ate a fing Indian.

70. This one time, my car broke down in the middle of nowhere. Several hours later, a car pulled up and out got Chuck Norris. Without a word, he urinated in the gas tank, and left. The car has since done 13,000 miles and I have yet to refill it...

71. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee. The result is Jet Li and Jackie Chan.

72. If it weren't for Chuck Norris, we could mess with Texas.

73. Chuck Norris once roundhoused kicked his son for pissing him off. He then brought him back to life and roundhoused kicked him again for dying.

74. Chuck Norris developed the c section when he roundhouse kicked his way into the world.

75. A young boy once screamed Chucks name because he doubted that Chuck would really answer his call. Chuck Norris showed up and fatally roundhouse kicked his entire family to death...but atleast he got to see Chuck Norris.

76. Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

77. Chuck Norris doesn't teabag. He potato-sacks.

78. Chuck Norris won a staring contest with the Sun.

79. If you're wondering who your father could be...its probably Chuck Norris.

80. Chuck Norris killed the producers of the movie "BrokeBack Mountain" for stealing the name of the pile of dead ninjas in his backyard.

81. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in an hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

82. Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerkey.

83. Chuck Norris doesnt grow hair on his balls because hair doesnt grow on steel.

84. Chuck Norris once visited The Virgin Islands. They are now known as The Islands.

85. Chuck Norris enjoys knitting sweaters, and by knitting I mean punching and by sweaters I mean babies.

86. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong to a "Who has more testicles" contest... Chuck Norris won by five.

87. When Chuck Norris is having sex he's always on top because Chuck Norris never fs up.

88. The bible was originally entitled 'Chuck Norris and Friends'

89. Every year, during tax season, Chuck Norris sends in blank tax sheets and a picture of himself crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes.

90. Chuck Norris never charges for his acts of violence. They are always completely gratuitous.

91. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

92. Chuck Norris played russian roulette with a loaded gun and won.

93. Chuck Norris once went to Burger King, where he ordered a Big Mac, and got one.

94. Chuck Norris' girlfriend once asked Chuck Norris 'how much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood' Chuck norris exclaimed "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" before roundhouse kicking her head off and screaming 'DON'T f WITH CHUCK'. 2 years and 5 months later, realizing the irony of his statement, Chuck Norris laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast became deaf.

95. Chuck Norris once decided to dress as a whuss for haloween, so he shaved his beard and wore lose fitting pants. When a homeowner would ask if Chuck Norris would like some smarties Chuck would scream 'i loathe smarties' before roundhouse kicking the homeowner in the face. By the third house Chuck Norris' beard had grown back. This will go down in history as the worst haloween costume ever. Chuck norris was 43 at the time.

96. Chuck Norris doesn't need to do anything for a Klondike Bar.

97. A bear once tried to attack Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris then showed the bear his fist, and the bear proceeded to eat itself, because it would be a less painful way to die.

98. Jesus wears a "Chuck Norris is my homeboy" t-shirt.

99. Chuck Norris CAN upload pornography to facebook.

100. Chuck Norris invented all the colors, except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

101. As a matter of fact, Chuck Norris takes a lickin' every day of his life. Soon afterward, he zips up his pants and the girl pays him.

102. My dad hates Chuck Norris. For some reason, he no longer wants to have anything to do with that motherfer.

103. If at first you don't succeed, then you are obviously not Chuck Norris.

104. Chuck Norris is currently suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

105. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

106. Chuck Norris doesnt believe in Germany.

107. Chuck Norris can eat an apple and s fruit salad.

108. Chuck Norris can speak braille.

109. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he is telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

110. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer.

111. I'm sick of the "What would happen if Chuck Norris ran out of women to have sex with and had sex with a guy", Chuck Norris would never f a dude because thats just fing gay. Chuck Norris always finds ladyes to f because he's Chuck Norris.

112. Chuck Norris uses newspaper bags for condoms.

113. Chuck Norris' girlfriend once gave him the nickname "7-11". It referred first to the length of Chuck's wenis - limp - and then to his full length. This was in second grade.

114. Chuck Norris ALWAYS wins a game of Connect Four in three moves or less.

115. Every year, on his birthday, Chuck Norris selects one lucky orphan to be thrown into the sun.

116. Chuck Norris fed the internet, and internet porn was born.

117. A walker aids old people in moving about. A "Walker, Texas Ranger" does even more: he emparts the sweet embrace of death.

118. The only man who ever outsmarted Chuck Norris was Stephen Hawking, and he got what he deserved.

119. Chuck Norris was once a weatherman but was fired for always predicting a 100 chance of pain.

120. As a teenager, Chuck had sex with and impregnated every woman in a small nunnery tucked away into the hills of Tuscany, in Italy. Nine months later, those nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only unbeaten and untied team in NFL history.

121. When Chuck Norris plays cards roundhouses beat fullhouses.

122. Chuck Norris' wenis is the size of one baby whale.

123. When Chuck Norris was born, the doctor thought he had 3 legs.

124. Chuck Norris's favorite number of planets was eight, therefore Pluto no longer exsists.

125. When Chuck Norris pisses he clogs the toilet.

126. The best part of waking up isn't Folger's in your cup. It's the fact that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

127. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

128. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.

129. When Chuck Norris began his "Kick Drugs Out of America" program in 1990, he would simply roundhouse kick the drugs out of the system of anyone on them. They would either a) be cured and accept Chuck Norris as their savior, or b) overdose on roundhouse kicks.

130. Everytime Chuck Norris smiles, a dying man is saved. Ironically, he only smiles after killing someone.

131. "The Incredible Hulk" is the nick name for Chuck Norris's package.

132. Chuck Norris doesn't ask permission, he grants it.

133. Chuck Norris' beard has three Superbowl rings.

134. Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."

135. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.

136. Chuck Norris circumcised himself. At birth. With his bare hands.

137. If Chuck Norris looks at you and even THINKS about Jesus, you are immediately converted to Christianity.

138. Chuck Norris viciously attacks Bill Gates anytime he needs lunch money.

139. A recent poll discovered 93 of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100 of the time during sex.

140. Chuck Norris swallowed a Rubik's Cube and pooped it out solved.

141. Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd... no one fools Chuck Norris.

142. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the f he wants.

143. Chuck Norris can talk about fight club.

144. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Jesse Jackson so many times that he became pregnant and gave birth to Kanye West.

145. Chuck Norris once broke a mirror on a black cat under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. That was the day he won the lottery.

146. Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.

147. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fing beef.

148. Scientists once tried to create a vibrator that could simulate the power of Chuck Norris's wenis...the result was a baseball bat tied to a jackhammer.

149. Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.

150. Chuck Norris covers his Slip 'n' Slide with gravel.

151. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

152. Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best damn espresso on Earth".

153. Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.

154. Midway was going to make a new mortal combat game where you played as Chuck Norris. They cancelled it because the game was too easy, all the moves ended in a fatal roundhouse kicks to the face.

155. Chuck Norris built Rome in a day.

156. Chuck Norris doesn't breathe. Air hides in his lungs for protection.

157. Chuck Norris' circumcized foreskin is used as the rain tarp for Yankee's Stadium.

158. When Chuck Norris visited God in heaven, God asked him "can i help you?" and Chuck Norris told him "get the f out of my seat"

159. Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

160. Chuck Norris once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!

161. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

162. The gayest thing Chuck Norris has ever done is a twenty-five person orgy including twenty-four women and himself.

163. Chuck Norris doesnt take showers...he takes blood baths.

164. Chuck Norris doesn't get 'crabs.' He gets LOBSTERS.

165. While the average human male has about 6 quarts of blood, Chuck Norris has 8. The extra quarts are so he doesn't pass out everytime he gets a boner.

166. There's no such thing as tornadoes, Chuck Norris just doesn't like trailer parks.

167. There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

168. Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.

169. Chuck Norris doesnt have pubic hair, he has a groin beard.

170. Chuck Norris's sperm cures AIDS. he's now in Africa having sex with every women.

171. Every year, Chuck Norris has to reregister every part of his body as a weapon of mass destruction.

172. Chuck Norris once got in a knife fight. The knife lost.

173. Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

174. Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 4 days.

175. Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar instantly exploded because the amount of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

176. Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.

177. And God said let there be light. And Chuck Norris said "say please"

178. If you spell Chuck Norris in scrabble, its an automatic win.

179. Chuck Norris coined the phrase "I could eat a horse!" after he ate every unicorn in existence.

180. Everytime you masterbate Chuck Norris kills a Canadian.

181. Chuck Norris goes fishing by cutting himself and swimming in shark infested waters.

182. Chuck Norris taught his dog how to pick up its own s because Chuck doesn't take s from anyone.

183. Chuck Norris masturbates with a monkey wrench and a blow torch.

184. Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

185. Chuck Norris shits lightsabers.

186. Chuck Norris invented water.

187. Rosa Parks was saving her seat for Chuck Norris.

188. With the high price of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking problem.

189. Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."

190. Chuck Norris's wenis has a hemi.

191. Chuck Norris kills Harry Potter in the seventh book.

192. Chuck Norris once partook in a pissing contest outside of a bar. His opponent drowned.

193. Zeus stands for Chuck Norris in Greek.

194. Chuck Norris once patented his pubic hair as "Love Potion #9".

195. Chuck Norris once had sex with a retarded midget, the result was John Madden.

196. Adam and Eve ate an apple. Chuck Norris ate Adam and Eve.

197. Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

198. Chuck Norris once pet a domesticated dog, the result is a pitbull.

199. Everybody loves Raymond... except Chuck Norris.

200. Chuck Norris does not die. He merely transforms into a better version of himself. However, that in and of itself is impossible.

201. The magic word is please as in "please don't kill me", too bad chuck norris doesn't believe in magic.

202. Everytime Chuck Norris hears the term ‘Virgin’ Mary he laughs out loud…enough said.

203. Early in his career, Chuck Norris made money winning three-legged races by himself.

204. Girls need mountain climbing equipment to give head to Chuck Norris.

205. The gayest thing Chuck Norris has done is roundhouse kick someone barefoot.

206. Chuck Norris beat a goldfish in a staring contest. Twice.

207. There are no re-runs of Walker Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris tapes them live on location everyday.

208. Chuck Norris bless GOD.

209. Chuck Norris refuses to play SORRY because he never is.

210. When asked if he prayed to god. Chuck Norris replied "Yeah I talk to myself all the time"

211. Women have to blind fold themselves while having sex with Chuck Norris because the size of Chuck Norris' wenis makes u go blind.

212. Chuck Norris invented the spoon, because killing people with a knife was just to easy.

213. Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.

214. Chuck Norris invented drinking out of the carton.

215. Chuck Norris once made a paper airplane, he then gave it to the Wright brothers.

216. Some people say Chuck Norris wears red sneakers. They're wrong. Chuck Norris has a 2-inch slab of callous of every surface of his feet that are permanently stained in blood.

217. Anyone can tell you, the fastest way to a man's heart is Chuck Norris's fist.

218. Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

219. Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.

220. If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

221. Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer. Why? Because Chuck Norris is never wrong.

222. Chuck Norris eats stingray barbs for breakfast.

223. After sex Chuck Norris doesnt smoke, instead he kills a baby.

224. Chuck Norris’s victims have been owned more times than goodwill clothing.

225. Chuck Norris's blood type is WD-40.

226. Chuck Norris played a grand piano in a marching band!

227. Chuck Norris never did homework when he was a kid. The teachers knew better than to assign Chuck Norris homework.

228. The secret to eternal life is an IOU note from Chuck Norris.

229. Shooting stars are just victims Chuck Norris just roundhouse kicked into the sun...

230. Chuck Norris Goes to church on Sunday to tell God what else he wants.

231. Moses didn't free the Jews Chuck Norris did.

232. Chuck Norris doesnt need a house, your house is his house.

233. Chuck Norris once pulled a bus full of school children teetering over the edge of a cliff back onto the road with his bare hands, saving everybody inside. Even as they cheered, he screamed, "I'm not your savior!" and headbutted the bus over the edge, sending them all to their horrible doom.

234. It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.

235. Chuck Norris can take a number 2 standing up.

236. Chuck Norris still hasn’t gotten one jeopardy question wrong, Jesus has missed two.

237. It took five women three years to give birth to Chuck Norris.

238. Chuck Norris knows the secret to world peace, He just thinks its more fun to kill people.

239. Some dumbass gave Chuck Norris a sweater for Christmas. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked this person to death and then regifted the sweater.

240. When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

241. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11…. a suicide.

242. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes just so he can beat the s out of little kids.

243. Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game throwing nothing but gutterballs.

244. Chuck Norris invented handicaped people.

245. Chuck Norris can lick his own elbow.

246. People don't really commit suicide. They're just trying to beat Chuck Norris to the punch.

247. Chuck was watching tv one day and saw the “Trix are for Kids” commercial, he hated it so much that for the rest of the day he punched every kid in the face he saw and said “Trix are for Chuck Norris!”

248. Chuck Norris brought sexyback way before Justin did.

249. Chuck Norris is the reason why babies grow INSIDE the mother's womb.

250. Chuck Norris's cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

251. Chuck Norris does not show up in anyones dream. He shows up in their nightmares.

252. Chuck Norris’ action figure has slept with more women then most men.

253. Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.

254. Chuck Norris does not brush his teeth with a toothbrush and toothpaste. instead, he uses steel wool and hydrochloric acid.

255. Chuck Norris lives in a haunted house and the ghosts tell stories about him.

256. Jesus walked on water, Chuck Norris walked on Jesus.

257. When telemarketers call Chuck Norris at home, he tells them to go f their mothers and they always do out of fear.

258. Kobayashi can eat 97 Krystal Hamburgers in 8 minutes. Chuck Norris can eat 97 Kobayashis in 8 seconds. Without water. Or chewing.

259. Chuck Norris eats emo children.

260. The longest staring contest recorded in history was between Chuck Norris and his reflection... he still won.

261. Chuck Norris once drank an entire gallon of liquid LSD. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke up, he rubbed his eyes and said, "All in all, I prefer gin."

262. Chuck Norris was so ashamed of producing such jewish child that he made the woman he had sex with to never say anything about it. We know this child as Jesus, the mother Mary.

263. Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

264. Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

265. Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

266. Any one can pee on the floor but only Chuck Norris can poop on the ceiling.

267. Chuck Norris is suing the Bubble Tape company because "6 Feet of Fun" is the trademark name for his wenis...

268. Chuck Norris once round house kicked the down-syndrom out of 13 year old boy.

269. Chuck Norris puts the 'fun' in funeral.

270. What many people dont know is Chuck Norris is the founder of planned parenthood. Not even unborn children can escape his wrath.

271. Chuck Norris can eat six saltines in one minute.

272. Chuck Norris is all 99 of Jay-z's problems.

273. Chuck Norris survived an abortion.

274. God has a beard so he can be like his idol Chuck Norris.

275. It's a proven fact that everytime you masterbate Chuck Norris punches a baby Mexican in the face.

276. They say that behind every man is a good woman.The only thing behind Chuck Norris is a trail of dead bodies...The women are in front of Chuck Norris, bent down doggy-style.

277. When Chuck Norris has sex with women his orgasm is so powerful it blows another hole through her.

278. Chuck Norris likes to get a good night's sleep...with as many women as possible.

279. Chuck Norris is the Godfather. Anyone who tells you otherwise is already in a bodybag.

280. Chuck Norris can never be a porn star because he will drown the girl with his money shot!

281. Once Chuck Norris was stopped on the street by a homeless war vet asking for a hand. Norris asked, "How about a foot?" and proceeded to roundhouse kick the man through the side of the building across the street.

282. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars, that's why there are no signs of life there.

283. Chuck Norris' IPod selection is 7 days worth of long blood curdling screams and crying.

284. Chuck Norris doesn't move at the speed of light; Light moves at the speed of Chuck Norris.

285. Chuck Norris is his own grandfather.

286. Chuck Norris ate the cow that jumped over the moon.

287. Chuck Norris claims he’s colorblind. just in case he roundhouse kicks a black guy he cant be considered racist.

288. Chuck Norris fought City Hall and won.

289. Chuck Norris can kick the dogshit out of a cat.

290. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

291. Chuck Norris finished singing the song that never ends.

292. Entering your name as Chuck Norris will give you automatic high scores in any video game...

293. Chuck Norris is so manly that if you see his wenis and are not attractd to it you are considered gay.

294. It's true Chuck Norris did have a son, that man is now known as the MILF Hunter

295. Chuck Norris put those mothafin snakes on that mothafin plane!

296. Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom.

297. Chuck Norris took a math test and put down "violence" for every answer and got a perfect score. Chuck Norris solves all his problems with violence.

298. The only time Chuck Norris ever laughs is when a Vietnamese family is begging for their lives.

299. Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

300. Chuck Norris does not use a condom... there is NO protection from Chuck Norris.

301. Chuck Norris know's Victoria's secret.

302. Lightning is said not to be able to strike in the same place twice...Chuck Norris can...

303. The truth is, Chuck Norris has been dead for over a thousand years...but the Grim Reaper is too scared to tell him.

304. The word "f" actually derived from the phrase "Flying Chuck" as it was abbriviated to get the words out quicker...this is what people would exclaim right before getting a flying roundhouse kicked to the face by Chuck Norris...

305. Legend has it that if you suvive a roundhouse kick to the face from Chuck Norris he will grant you 3 wishes...good luck with that...

306. Chuck Norris was born with an evil twin, but as soon as they exited the womb Chuck Norris killed his twin with a roundhouse kick to the face saying, "There can only be one Chuck Norris".

307. In a new law enacted by congress, all schools now have suicide kits in all rooms. The directions begin with "in case of Chuck Norris"...

308. The entire film "Anaconda" was filmed in Chuck Norris' pants.

309. Chuck Norris screams his own name during sex.

310. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

311. Just for fun, Chuck Norris crashes through the Koolaid Man's wall shouting "Oh, Yeah!"

312. Spermicidal cream is actually Chuck Norris' semen. His semen has the capibility to destroy other mens' semen.

313. Not even light can escape a black hole...but Chuck Norris can.

314. "P is for Chuck Norris...as well as every letter in the alphabet."

315. When asked if he wants to have children, Chuck Norris replies, "No thanks. I'm full". He then proceeds to roundhouse kick you in the face.

316. Chuck Norris' orgasm registers on the Richter Scale.

317. Chuck Norris is currently suing Staples for taking what he says after scoring a woman as their motto. Staples: "That was easy."

318. Chuck Norris kills emo kids and eats them for lunch on Sunday afternoons.

319. Chuck Norris invented the sleeper hold while in college and used it as foreplay.

320. When u play rock paper scissors with Chuck Norris... a roundhouse kick beats everything.

321. "Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield."

322. Chuck Norris says pokemon are real and taste great with a little miracle whip.

323. Chuck Norris' dandruff is 100 pure cocaine.

324. Chuck Norris rips a in Dolby 5.1 Surround Sound!

325. Chuck Norris knows exactly what stayed in Vegas.

326. Chuck Norris' pubic hair is one of the 11 herbs and spices in KFC.

327.Some people received blood from Chuck Norris through a transfusion at the Red Cross. They are now known as the X-Men.

328. Chuck Norris uses his pinky to thumb wrestle.

329. If you're having sex and the girl says "OH CHUCK!" you know you are doing a good job.

330. Chuck Norris can hold a bank up over the phone.

331. The book 'War and Peace' is named after Chuck Norris' testicles.

332. There is an alternate ending to the quote, "Where there is life there is hope." It goes, "Unless Chuck Norris is around. Then you're fed."

333. Chuck Norris's sperm could break the birth control barrier, penetrate through 13 condoms, an 8 foot thick concrete wall, and the 1975 Steelers defensive line...and still impregnate a woman!

334. Chuck Norris' wenis has its own Senator, zip code, area code, Starbucks, and 5 exits off the 101 freeway.

335. Lesbians by definition are women who are only attracted to other women, there is however one exception..Chuck Norris.

336. One of Chuck Norris' used condoms was the inspiration for the Slip n' Slide.

337. When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

338. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his wenis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while fing another.

339. Chuck Norris faked his own death for eleven years! We know this period as the great depression..

340. Chuck Norris's wenis has its own wenis...and it is still bigger than yours.

341. Chuck Norris' edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

342. Chuck Norris can bang a girl faster than her virginity can realize it's been taken.

343. Chuck Norris' mom called him Charles... once.

344. Chuck Norris fertilizes his grass with emo children so that it will cut itself.

345. "Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying “there isn’t enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member”. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants."

346. "Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer."

347. "The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned."

348."The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain." (The chief import of Chuck Norris is pleasure.)

349. Chuck Norris farts gale force winds.

350. The movie "The One" originally starred Chuck Norris proving the only man who could beat Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris, but the entire film crew heads blew up with awesomeness. Jet Li starred in the remake.

351. Water boils faster when Chuck Norris watches it.

352. Chuck Norris has a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

353. Chuck Norris stopped the Grinch from stealing Christmas...with one roundhouse kick to the face...

354. Chuck Norris has seen more pussy then the Humane Society.

355. Chuck Norris participated in Dancing with the Stars. His routine wasn't aired because it opened with an eloquent roundhouse kick to the face of his partner.

356. Chuck Norris asked Santa to give him Mrs. Claus... and on Christmas morning, she was right under his tree.

357. Chuck Norris shot 16 on a 18 hole golf course.

358. Chuck Norris can rhyme with orange.

359. Chuck Norris doesn't have to use guns. He does anyway to give everyone else a fighting chance.

360. Chuck Norris's mind and money are on Chuck Norris.

361. Chuck Norris answered 50 Cent's 21 Questions with one answer, a swift roundhouse kick to the face.

362. Chuck Norris doesn't swim, the water pushes him.

363. Chuck Norris has no reflection. He killed it because nobody should be as good looking as Chuck Norris.

364. Think of a hot girl... Chuck Norris did her.

365. Chuck Norris doesnt need to put the seat down after taking a piss.

366. If you talk during a movie Chuck Norris will choke you unconscious.

367. Chuck Norris broke the DaVinci Code...with his foot.

368. Chuck Norris eats Hotwheels cars and shits out Transformers.

369. When playing "rock, paper, scissors", Chuck Norris always uses roundhouse kick.

370. Chuck Norris was put on Santa's naughty list once...In retaliation Chuck round-house kicked Rudolf in the face and gave him the most famous nose bleed in history. After Rudolph's nose bleed, Santa's coat was stained red from all the blood. Since then, Santa has never dared to remove that coat because it's a reminder of the awesomeness of Chuck Norris.

371. Chuck Norris kills people with guns on occasion to prove that he has a gentle side, after all.

372. Chuck Norris will take your mother out on a date then never call her back!

373. Chuck Norris never bluffs.

374. Chuck Norris can see through blindfolds.

375. Chuck Norris’ kidney stones are gold nuggets…..and he ejects these voluntarily with a Norris “no problem” grin.

376. By law, Chuck Norris is no longer permitted to wear shoes because if he were to do so he could be charged with hiding weapons of mass destruction.

377. Chuck Norris smokes after sex. Not cigarettes, his wenis literally smokes.

378. The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

379. Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.

380. Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.

381. Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap.

382. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.

383. Chuck Norris makes his internal organs pay rent.

384. Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.

385. Chuck Norris can make an armless man tap-out.

386. Chuck Norris does not own a house, he walks into random houses and people move.

387. Its not everyday that Chuck Norris purposely kills people, and by "not every day" I mean there has only been one day ever where he hasn't purposely killed someone. This was the day Chuck Norris lost his virginity and accidently killed 15 women with his , he was 4 years old.

388. Every new years Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks a baby into the sun and impregnates a woman to to symbolize the end of the old year and the beginning of a new one.

389. Chuck Norris once warned a small girl to be good "or else". The result? Mother Teresa

390. Chuck Norris's favorite after dinner drink is a molotov cocktail.

391. Chuck Norris shows his 'Happy Feet' by stomping on baby penguins.

392. The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.

393. McDonalds loves to see you smile, Chuck Norris loves to see you suffer.

394. Lions aren't the king of the jungle, Chuck Norris is.

395. Scientists claim the Big Bang Theory is what created the universe. Chuck Norris dismisses this theory as a bad case of gas.

396. Chuck Norris doesn't go to class but still gets perfect attendance.

397. Donald Trump once tried to say "Your fired!" to Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Trump which simualtaniously caused him to go bald and made a bad toupee get sewn onto his scull, never to be removed.

398. Every year I go to Chuck Norris' New Year's Eve party and EVERY year I nearly die of alcohol poisoning. And I don't even drink!

399. Chuck Norris will eat beef jerky s a bullet to kill a cow and eat more beef jerky. This is known as the circle of life.

400. The menstruation cycle is Chuck Norris claiming his territory.

401. Chuck Norris impregnates women simply by staring at their breasts.

402. Chuck Norris was BAAAAAAAAAALLLINNNN" way before Jim Jones was.

403. When Chuck Norris heard about the Power Rangers, he destoyed them... with one roundhouse kick in the face into the Sun. He said that there's only one ranger Earth can count on, and that's WALKER, TEXAS RANGER.

404. Chuck Norris could kill Jack Bauer in less than .24 seconds!

405. Chuck Norris sweats bullets... literally.

406. Chuck Norris tore Van Goghs ear off for being a whussy arty guy!! To make things worse he than mailed the ear to his new girlfriend, and by his i mean Chuck Norris's girlfriend. Watch out for Chuck Norris he can steal your lady and claim ownership in less time than it takes to read this fact.

407. Bruce Lee could crush an apple with his bare hands but Chuck Norris can crush Bruce Lee's head with a roundhouse kick to the face!

408. In the word of Julius Caeser, Veni, Vida, Veci, Chuck Norris' translation: I came, I saw, I was roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.

409. Chuck Norris has already found,killed, and crushed Osama Bin Laden's bones into dust and that's why the US Military can't find any trace of him in Afghanistan.

410. Chuck Norris told Donald Trump, "YOU'RE FIRED!" and killed both him and Rosie O'Donnel at the same time.

411.There are 342 parts of Chuck Norris body that he can kill you with. Chuck Norris can kill two people simultaneously with his mountain

412. Chuck Norris' mom could beat up your dad.

413. Chuck Norris gave his dad the lesson on the birds and the bees.

414. Every night at 8:00, a truck pulls up to Chuck Norris house. In the truck are a bunch of orphans. For the next half-hour, Chuck Norris practices roundhouse kicks on the orphans while Its a Hard Knock Life plays in the background. At the end of the session, the orphans say Thank you, Mr. Norris in perfect unison, then march into the truck in silence.

415. Chuck Norris saw evil, spoke evil, and heard evil. Then he gave evil a swift roundhouse kick to the face.

416. Chuck Norris paints his walls by throwing children at them.

417. Ice isnt cold water, its water that is scared still by Chuck Norris.

418. Nobody will ever know Chuck Norris last word because Chuck Norris will be the last person on earth.

419. Chuck Norris volunteers at retirement homes just so he can push old people in wheelchairs onto the freeway.

420. Chuck Norris has an ongoing feud with the Keebler elves. It started when they stole his idea for putting a kitchen in a tree. While the elves now make sugar cookies in the tree, Chuck's tree contains a fully functioning crystal meth lab.

421. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked cookie monster so hard he became vegetable monster.

422. The French tried to build a statue in dedication to Chuck Norris's wenis. Actual size was impossible to match so the Eiffel Tower is just a to scale model.

423. Chuck Norris had sex with Nicole Kidman. 6 weeks later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.

424. Chuck Norris' orgasms leave exit wounds.

425. Chuck Norris was the first negro to play baseball.

426. The Immancipation Proclamation was just a fancy phrase that meant everyone but Chuck Norris can have slaves.

427. Abraham Lincoln didn't free the slaves, it was Chuck Norris.

428. Chuck Norris uses Tabasco sauce for eye drops.

429. The lion was created when Chuck Norris raped his orange tabby.

430. Al Roker never had gastric bypass. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the s out of him for being a fat a.

431. If you're a girl, blink twice. Chuck Norris just had sex with you.

432. Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.

433. Chuck Norris once got a boner while lying on his stomach...he struck oil 9 miles below the soil.

434. Chuck Norris wipes his a with intercepted kids letters to Santa.

435. Chuck Norris delivers more male with one thrust of his pelvis than the U.S. Postal Service and the Pony Express have combined for the last 146 years.

436. No matter how tough you are, when Chuck Norris takes a piss on your face, it is 600 guaranted you wont do s.

437. Chuck norris ejaculates actual seamen.

438. Chuck Norris can split an atom with his bare hands. He holds on to this energy as a 'present' for the next little kid to ask for his autograph.

439. No one can catch their own shadow, except for Chuck Norris.

440. Chuck Norris' heart doesnt beat he beats it.

441. Chuck Norris graduated from MIT with 9.0 or, at least that's what he says. Question him. I dare you.

442. Angels bowling does not make thunder, chuck norris round house kicking angels makes thunder.

443. Chuck Norris is the KING of hopscotch. What are you looking at little girl?!

444. When Chuck Norris trips, the earth rotates itself so he stays on his feet.

445. In a fight between Darth Vader and Batman the winner would be Chuck Norris.

446. As a child, Chuck Norris never wet the bed. It was the bed that wet itself out of fear of Chuck.

447. Elvis isn't the King of Rock and Roll, Chuck Norris is.

448. Chuck Norris doesn't break dances, he kills them all.

449. Chuck Norris can build a house of cards and live in it.

450. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Global Warming. He decides when the world gets too hot!

451. One time Chuck Norris was pulled over for drunk driving. He blew a 777, but he passed the sobriety test and was let of with a warning. So was the police officer.

452. Michael Jordan did not lead the Chicago Bulls to 6 NBA championships. Chuck Norris did.

453. Chuck Norris doesnt breath. He takes air hostage.

454. One time Chuck Norris killed three people on his doorstep in less than .0002seconds with one swift roundhouse kick. After the incident, Chuck angrily stated "Damnit! When Chuck Norris says he doesn't want girl scout cookies, he means he doesn't want fing girl scout cookies!"

455. The biblical flood was not caused by God, Chuck Norris had too much too drink and couldn't find a bathroom.

456. The universe is expanding at the speed of light. Scientists theorize that this is because the universe is trying to escape from Chuck Norris.

457. If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Chuck Norris comes after you.

458. Chuck Norris Farted. When he farted he sharted. The average man gets embarresed when sharting occurs, but no, not Chuck Norris, he promptly picked up an average man and wiped himself clean by way of a circular motion, then without wasting any time, he roundhouse kicked the bystander into the atmosphere!

459. Chuck Norris was recently pulled over for doing 70 in a 55...on a bicycle.

460. "Chuck Norris doesn't go to the gym because he's unwilling to work things out"

461. The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.

462. Chuck Norris thinks you suck, and knows your mom does.

463. Chuck Norris can make wood conduct electricity.

464. Chuck Norris built a snowman out of rain.

465. Chuck Norris leaves messages before the beep.

466. When Chuck Norris pisses into the wind...the wind changes direction.

467. Chuck Norris can impregnate a woman even after she has experienced menopause.

468. King Leonidus from 300 was destroyed by chuck norris with a blow up hammer from six flags.

469. Chuck Norris can punt a midget over three football fields in a row, and still make it land balanced on a golfing tee.

470. The opening 23 minutes of saving private ryan was loosly based on a game of dodgeball chuck participated in, in the 3rd grade

471. Chuck Norris doesn't play the lottery... it doesn't have nearly enough balls.

472. Chuck Norris doesn't break wind, he destroys it.

473. "Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you."

474. In the shower, Chuck Norris uses a handful of piranhas as soap.

475. The Predator is merely a collection of Chuck Norris’s toenail clippings that he left in the sun for 1 day.

476. Chuck Norris started at ONE, and counted UP to NEGATIVE infinity . . . NEGATIVE TWO TIMES!

477. Chuck Norris doesnt shave, he chisels. He uses red hot magma as cream, sharks with laser beams attached to their heads as razors, and liquid nitrogen as aftershave.

478. Sinead O'Connor wrote a song for Chuck Norris - 'nothing compares 2 u'. Chuck responded by roundhouse kicking that particular song into the charts, and every other song she's ever made into the garbage.

479. Chuck Norris is so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

480. Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has dared to question his motives.

481. The scientific symbol for the deadly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. Also, it's the initials of Chuck Norris. This is no coincidence.

482. Chuck Norris has never had a heart attack. The heart hasn't the nerve to attack Chuck Norris.

483. Outer space is so enormous because most of the Universe is too scared to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

484. Mr T. has time for Chuck Norris' jibber jabber...

485. Leonidas went alone to the Battle of Thermopylae, the 300 was actually a reference to his only weapon. 300 strands of Chuck Norris' Beard.

486. Chuck Norris doesn't make a splash when hitting water, thats just the water running away!

487. The Big Bang was actually just Chuck Norris jacking off.

488. When Chuck Norris visited the Lincoln Memorial, Lincoln stood up to offer Chuck his seat.

489. Chuck Norris always knows the exact location of Carmen Sandiego. (In his bed, waiting for him to come home and DO IT ROCKAPELLA!)

490. Chuck Norris was orignally casted for the show "24" but was replaced soon after because he managed to save the world in 12 minutes and 53 seconds.

491. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

492. Chuck Norris once shot down a German plane by pointing at it and shouting "Bang."

493. Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

494. Chuck Norris just got back from The Virgin Islands... now they're just The Islands!

495. The only reason God exists is because Chuck Norris can't be bothered to micro-manage.

496. Chuck Norris could walk for President and still win.

497. Lee Harvey Oswalds bullet was intercepted by Chuck Norris' beard. Kennedy's head blew up in amazment.

498. Chuck Norris doesn't plow, he just looks at the dirt and it forms perfect rows.

499. Chuck Norris once stabbed a T-Rex to death... with a Triceratops.

500.Chuck Norris can impregnate you just by looking at you... even if you are a man.

501. Lesbians are women who have had sex with Chuck Norris and where in such ecstacy that they just don't see the point of sleeping with any other men.

502. Chuck Norris finds all these attempts to confine him to mere words amusing.

503. Chuck Norris was the 4th wiseman. He gave Jesus the gift of Beard, which Jesus wore proudly until his dying day. The other 3 wisemen were so jealous they had him omitted from the Bible. All three died soon after from mysterious roundhouse kick related deaths.

504. Chuck Norris could cause world peace by walking into the United Nations and scowling.

505. 'Paraplegic' is the medical term for 'Chuck Norris'd.'

506. Chuck Norris never has near death experiences. Death has near Chuck Norris experiences!

507. They wanted to put Chuck Norris' face on Mount Rushmore but the granite wasn't strong enough for his beard.

508. Chuck Norris has killed 472 people for writing his name in all lowercase letters. Beware!


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VxXxxXxVvVxXxThe Ten Commandments of NorrisxXxVvVxXxxXxV
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(Written by Sparanda, Copyright to Chuck Norris)
1. Thou shalt have no Chuck Norrises before Chuck Norris.
2. Chuck Norris pwns you.
3. If anyone EVER says anything bad about Chuck Norris...do not panic, but remove yourself from the target area as soon as possible
4. Chuck Norris STILL pwns you.
5. Chuck Norris's first name is actually Steve, but he will Roundhouse kick you if you- phlunk! ow!
6. If you touch Chuck Norris in any way, you will immediately become Chuck Norris but since there cannot be more than one Chuck Norris in existence at any specific time, you will implode upon your own foot and disappear.
7. If you eat a Chuck Norris-flavored fummin, you will immediately become Chuck Norris, but for the same reasons stated in #6, you will implode upon your own stomach, which is a crapload more painful than imploding upon your own foot, trust me.
8. Yes...Chuck Norris is your mom.
9. Chuck Norris STILL pwns YOU.
10. Chuck Norris owns everything in the known (and unknown) universe. All attempts to claim any item in the known (or unknown) universe will be met with immediate and painful FAILURE. Please do not piss off Chuck Norris.


Well. Free credit report dot com is actually a pretty boring website.
But they're still musical geniuses.

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Well I married my dream girl
I married my dream girl
But she didn't tell me that her credit was bad
So now instead of living in a pleasant suburb
We're living in the basement at her mom and dad's
No we can't get a loan for a respectable home
All because my girl defaulted on some old credit card
If we'd gone to free credit report dot com
I'd be a happy bachelor with a dog and a yard

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They say a man should always dress for the job he wants
So why am I dressed up like a pirate in the resturaunt?
It's all because some hacker stole my identity
Now I'm in here every evening serving chowder and iced tea
Shoulda gone to free credit report dot com (yee-hah!)
I coulda seen this comin' at me like an atom bomb
They monitor your credit and send you email alerts
So you don't end up sellin' fish to tourists in t-shirts

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Well I was shoppin' for a new car, which one's me?
A cool convertable or an SUV?
Too bad I didn't know my credit was whack
Cuz now I'm drivin' off the lot in a used sub-compact
F-R-E-E that spells free
Credit report dot com, baby
Saw their ads on my TV
Thought about goin' but was too lazy
Now insteada lookin fly and rollin' phat
My legs are stickin' to the vinyll and my pose's gettin' laughed at
F-R-E-E that spells free
Credit report dot com, baby

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Check it out, gas prices flyin' up sky high
Ditch my new sub compact for a two wheeled ride
Now I'm rollin' eco-friendly but I still look bad
When the bike store saw my credit they said this is all they had
I'm singing
F to the R to the E to the E to the C to the R to the E-D-I-T
Re- to the Port- to the dot to the com
Come on everybody grab your bike and sing along its easy
F to the R to the E to the E to the C to the R to the E-D-I-T
Re- to the Port- to the dot to the com

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When you're a rock star
You get to party hard
Champagne and caviar
Tricked out exotic cars
It's just how I thought it'd be
'Cept the party's not for me
Cuz some punk opened a credit card with my ID
(Free what?)
Free credit
Report dot com
That's the site I'm gonna hit when I go home
They know how credit works
They send email alerts
Now I'm findin out how bad reality hurts

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I was getting depressed cause of all the stress I was feeling at home
Had a poor credit score and the number would haunt me wherever I go
But I moved to a place where my credit wouldn't stink and nobody would care
I just wish somebody had told me that place was a renaissance fair!
Free credit report dot com
Tell your friends, tell your dad, tell your mom
Never mind, they've been singing our songs since we first showed up with our pirate hats on
If you're not into fake sword fights,
Pointy slippers and green wool tights
Take a tip from a knight who knows free credit report dot com
LET'S GO!!

XxVvVxXxXxVvVxXxXxVvVxXxXxVvVxXxXxVvVxXxXxVvVxXx


Interesting labels... (hijacked from nekosoulreaper. This amused the ever-loving f-ck out of me.)

On a Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping. (that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos!
..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because?...)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

On T-Rat (Military food):
Its not for Human Consumption, Animals and Military Use only... (Umnn yeah... isn't military also human)


Soundtrack to my life
I'm bored, so I randomly decided to do this.

Opening Credits: “No Boundaries” by Michael Angelo Batio
(woot for insanely awesome geetarsolosss!!)

Waking Up: “Bright Light Fright” by Aerosmith
I got the sunlight blues
I can't find my shoes
The only thing on TV
Is the Good Morning News

Average Day: “Lithium” by Nirvana
I'm so happy because today I found my friends
They're in my head

First Date: “Whole Lotta Love” by Led Zeppelin
You need coolin', ah, baby I'm not foolin'
I'm gonna send ya, back to school and
Way down inside, honey all you need
I'm gonna give ya my love, ahh gonna give you my love

Falling in Love: “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” by Queen (or Elvis, I know, but I prefer Freddie)
This thing called love
I just can't handle it
This thing called love
I must get round to it
I ain't ready
Crazy little thing called love

Love Scene: “Times Like These” by Foo Fighters
It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these, time and time again

Fight Scene: “Cumbersome” by Seven Mary Three
I'd like to believe we can reconcile the past
Resurect those bridges with an ancient glance
But my old stone face can't seem to break her down
She remembers bridges, burns them to the ground

Breaking Up: “Goodbye to Romance” by Ozzy
Yesterday has been and gone
Tomorrow will I find the sun or will it rain?
Everybody's having fun
Except me, I'm the lonely one, I live in shame

Getting Back Together: “No One Like You” by The Scorpions
I don't want my feelings restrained
Ooh, babe, I just need you like never before
Just imagine you'd come through this door
You'd take all my sorrow away

Secret Love: “Next To You” by The Police
Can't stand it for another day
When you live so many miles away
Nothing here is gonna make me stay
You took me over, let me find a way

Life’s Okay: “Nightrain” by Guns N Roses
Wake up late, honey put on your clothes
And take your credit card to the liquor store
Well that's, one for you and two for me by tonight
I'll be loaded like a freight train
Flyin' like an aeroplane
Feelin' like a space brain one more time tonight

Mental Breakdown: “The Game” by Disturbed
If you even try to look the other way
I think that I could kill this time

Driving: “Bad Habit” by The Offspring
Open the glovebox
Reach inside, gonna wreck this fucker's ride
Guess I got a bad habit, of blowing away
Guess I got a bad habit, and it ain't goin' away

Learning a Lesson: “The Freshmen” by Verve Pipe
For the life of me, I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise when we never compromise
For the life of me, I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins, we were merely freshmen

Deep Thought: “What It’s Like” by Everlast
God forbid you ever have to walk a mile in his shoes
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to sing the blues

Flashback: “Father of Mine” by Everclear
Sometimes you would send me a birthday card with a five dollar bill
Yeah, I never understood you and, well I guess I never will
My dad he gave me a name (then he walked away)

Partying: “Ballroom Blitz” by Sweet
And the man in the back said everyone attack
And it turned into a ballroom blitz
And the girl in the corner said 'boy, I wanna warn ya
It'll turn into a ballroom blitz!' A ballroom blitz

Happy Dance: “Blitzkrieg Bop” or “I Wanna Be Sedated” by The Ramones
Hey, ho, let's go, shoot 'em in the back now
What they want, I don't know
They're all revved up and ready to go

Twenty, twenty, twenty four hours to goooo
I wanna be sedated
Nothin to do, nowhere to gooo
I wanna be sedated

Regretting: “Angel’s Son” by Sevendust
One last song, given to an angel's son
As soon as you were gone
As soon as you were gone, hey

Long Night Alone: “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nails
What have I become
My sweetest friend?
Everyone I love
Goes away in the end

Death Scene: “Another One Bites the Dust” by Queen
Pretty self explanatory :p

Closing Credits: “No Regrets” by Aesop Rock
You can dream a little dream or you can live a little dream
I'd rather live it
Cuz dreamers always chase but never get it


For people that hate stereotypes: If you think people should just shut up and stop, put this on your profile. (BOLD the ones you are.)
I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.
I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.
I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun.
I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz
I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed.
I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat.
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy.
I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.
I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.
I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell.
I'm a CHRISTAN, so I MUST think gay people should go to hell.
I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.
I'm ATHEIST so I MUST hate the world.
I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals.
I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.
I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.
I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.
I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.
I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.
I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.
I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.
I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore.
I'm a DANCER, So I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut.
I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo.
I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.
I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.
I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.
I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals.
I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a "big one".
I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST!
I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.
I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.
I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.
I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.
I'm INTO THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.
I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be a player.
I have Big BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe.
I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.
I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.
I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and thats how Russians roll.
I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi.
I hang out with GAYS, so I must be GAY TOO.
I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.
I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited.
I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy.
I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas.
Im a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction.
Im a VIRGIN so I MUST be prude.
Im STRAIGHT EDGE so I must be violent.
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly.
I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.
I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat.
I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.

I'm a SKATER so I must do weed and steal stuff
I'm a PUNK so I must only wear black and date only other punks
I'm ASIAN so I must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7
I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals.
I'm MIXED so I must be screwed up.
I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist.
I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork.
I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA
I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect
I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black
I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil.
I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty.
I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser.

I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.
I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister.
I'm on a DANCE team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.
I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.
I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat.
I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon
I'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hot.
I'm an ASIAN GUY, so I MUST have a small penis.
I'm a GUY CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be gay.
I'm a PREP, so I MUST be rich.
I don't like the SUN so I MUST be an albino.
I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party.
I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo.
I couldn't hurt a FLY, So I MUST be a pussy.
I support GAY RIGHTS, so I MUST fit in with everyone.
I hang out with teenage drinkers and smokers, so I MUST smoke and drink too.
I have ARTISTIC TALENT, so I MUST think little of those who don't.
I don't like to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social.
I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy.
I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch.
My hair gets GREASY a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills.
I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch.

I'm a NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs.
I read Comics, so I MUST be a loser.
I hang out with a FORMER PROSTITUTE so I MUST be a whore myself.
I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse
I’m a CROSSDRESSER, so I must be homosexual.
I draw ANIME so I MUST be a freak.
I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker.
I WATCH PORN so I MUST be perverted.
I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled.
I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak
I am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant.
I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep
I'm SCOTTISH so I MUST have ginger hair and wear a skirts (It's actually called a kilt)
I’m a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo.
I’m CANADIAN, so I MUST talk with a funny accent.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend.
I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers.
I'm DISABLED, so I MUST be on Welfare.
I'm a FEMINIST, so I MUST have a problem with sexuality and I want to castrate every man on the earth.
I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST have a STEREOTYPE.
I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.
I like BLOOD, so I must be a VAMPIRE.
I'm an ALBINO, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities and is A MURDERER!
I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth.
I’m WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future.
I don't like YAOI or YURI, so I must be a HOMOPHOBE
I’m not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser
I care about the ENVIRONMENT...I MUST be a tree hugging hippy

I have a FAN CHARACTER, so I MUST be an annoying Mary-sue.
I CHAT, I MUST be having cyber sex.
I'm PAGAN so I MUST sacrifice babies and drink the blood of virgins
I'm PAGAN so I MUST worship Satan
I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against Abortion
I'm SWEDISH so I MUST be a tall blond blue-eyed lesbian.
I'm a LESBIAN so I MUST want to get with every single girl that I see.
I like CARTOONS, so I MUST be IRRESPONSIBLE.
I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER.

I have my OWN spiritual ideology; therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED.
I am WICCAN, so I MUST be a SATANIST.
I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST.
I am a WITCH, so I MUST be and OLD HAG and fly on a broomstick.
I love YAOI, so I MUST be GAY.
I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELED
I DON'T CURSE, so I MUST be an outcast
I like GAMES, ANIME and COMICS, so I MUST be childish
I'm SWEDISH, therefore I MUST be WHITE.
I SPOT GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard.
I'm GOTHIC, so I MUST be mean.
I’m STRONG so I MUST be stupid.
I'm Australian so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroo’s
I go to RENFAIRES, so I MUST talk weird, be a loser, and not be up with the times
I’m GAY so I’m after EVERY straight guy around.
I don’t want a BOYFRIEND so I MUST be Lesbian.
I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting.
I love marching band, so I MUST be a friendless freak.
I DRINK and SMOKE, so I MUST have no life.
I am friends with a CUTTER, so I MUST be a CUTTER too.
I cry easily, so I MUST be a wimp.
I can't help pointing out mistakes so I MUST be an over-controlling perfectionist
I'm a PERFECTIONIST so I MUST check everything ten times, then burst into tears at one mistake

I DON’T LIKE to talk about my personal life so I MUST be having problems
I like FIRE so I must be an arsonist.


Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

How To Torture Mello by Daisukeismyboyfriend reviews
Matt finds an interesting book while closet-rummaging. Why,it's an all-purpose guide to bothering Mello! How convenient! Needless to say, hilarity ensues, with Raito, L, and others... Complete after a ridiculous hiatus ! MxM
Death Note - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 16 - Words: 29,105 - Reviews: 280 - Favs: 164 - Follows: 127 - Updated: 5/2 - Published: 5/25/2008 - Matt, Mello - Complete
The Hands of Men by Sparanda reviews
Fate determined to throw a continent into chaos. Fate didn't predict a ninja coming to wreck their plans. Then again, who can predict the #1 Most Unpredictable Knuckheaded Ninja?
Crossover - Naruto & Final Fantasy XII - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 8 - Words: 18,896 - Reviews: 23 - Favs: 37 - Follows: 45 - Updated: 9/19/2014 - Published: 6/19/2014
An Unknown Rule by Yuki9283 reviews
Myth is considered to be the school punchingbag. She is unaturaly thin and pale, and has to eat all the time due to a medical condition. She doesn't sleep and Dosnt even know her own name. L suspects her of being Kira after he witneses' her being beaten u
Death Note - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 10 - Words: 15,353 - Reviews: 49 - Favs: 38 - Follows: 42 - Updated: 7/9/2012 - Published: 1/22/2008 - L
Death Note: Fanfiction Gone Bad by Corey M. Smith reviews
The Stupidest Random Crack-fic...In Color! -3-D Glasses Not Included- Pssst...I updated maybe...
Death Note - Rated: T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 3 - Words: 8,696 - Reviews: 43 - Favs: 39 - Follows: 20 - Updated: 7/6/2012 - Published: 1/19/2008 - Matsuda T., L
Tool Belt by McGinnis INC reviews
Due to a technological error they met. One girl stricken with agoraphobia. One boy with nothing to do. One tool belt. LxOc Two-shot.
Death Note - Rated: M - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 3 - Words: 5,634 - Reviews: 25 - Favs: 57 - Follows: 11 - Updated: 7/27/2011 - Published: 4/22/2009 - L - Complete
Death Note Owner's Guides and Maintenance Manuals by thebookhobbit reviews
Owner's guides for the main characters. Includes L, Near, Mello, Matt, Light, Misa, Matsuda and Ryuuk.
Death Note - Rated: K - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 8 - Words: 9,786 - Reviews: 34 - Favs: 82 - Follows: 12 - Updated: 12/23/2010 - Published: 2/8/2008 - Misa A. - Complete
Mr Funny by Diaphanous reviews
Sets of drabbles. Zack is odd. Angeal can only watch.
Final Fantasy VII - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 11 - Words: 10,715 - Reviews: 229 - Favs: 380 - Follows: 136 - Updated: 10/15/2010 - Published: 2/17/2009 - Zack F., Angeal H. - Complete
Death Note: A Sonata of Death by Necrotic-Sonata reviews
L meets a talented young woman of the arts. Mainly, music. Through each other, they will inspire one another to do great things, pulling victory from the ashes of defeat. But this win will be bittersweet. -Major Spoilers-
Death Note - Rated: T - English - Romance/Tragedy - Chapters: 7 - Words: 29,057 - Reviews: 32 - Favs: 27 - Follows: 27 - Updated: 1/6/2010 - Published: 1/23/2008 - L
Strange Destiny by EvilDeadAsh reviews
This is the story of the half-sister of Rodolphus and Rabastan LeStrange. About what happens to her and because of her. Set halfway through "Half-Blood Prince" to the end of "Deathly Hallows" Slightly AU. WARNINGS: Rape, Character Death.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Drama/Horror - Chapters: 16 - Words: 26,026 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 3 - Updated: 8/31/2009 - Published: 11/14/2008 - Rabastan L., Rodolphus L. - Complete
The Shichibukai Meeting Incident by Slim Gohan reviews
There is a reason Sengoku doesn't want the Seven Warlords being in the same place at one time. This is the story that tells why.
One Piece - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,386 - Reviews: 53 - Favs: 236 - Follows: 28 - Published: 8/1/2009 - Kuma, Sengoku - Complete
Matsuda TV by xXKanpekiXx reviews
A crackfic about Matsuda and an commercial. Lil' bit of language and SUPER crack!
Death Note - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,177 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 11 - Follows: 3 - Published: 3/1/2009
Mini Love Notes by KivaEmber reviews
AU. “I know you need to do this to patch things up guys, but could you leave your post its somewhere else? I can’t find the handle to the mini fridge door anymore.” --- Matsuda. LxRaitoxL cuteness.
Death Note - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,299 - Reviews: 90 - Favs: 301 - Follows: 24 - Published: 11/28/2008 - L, Light Y. - Complete
Reincarnation by KivaEmber reviews
On Halloween 1981, Britain’s most Dark Lord died thanks to Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived. L Lawliet, soon-to-be World’s Greatest Detective, was born on Halloween 1981...or rather, Tom Riddle was. HPxDN Crossover
Death Note - Rated: T - English - Fantasy/Adventure - Chapters: 2 - Words: 3,625 - Reviews: 52 - Favs: 43 - Follows: 70 - Updated: 10/30/2008 - Published: 9/17/2008 - L
Shortcakes by KivaEmber reviews
Fluffy oneshot series. 7th Shortcake: Sleep: L had always seemed oddly awkward when ‘sleeping’. LxRaitoxL
Death Note - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 7 - Words: 10,601 - Reviews: 150 - Favs: 128 - Follows: 153 - Updated: 9/30/2008 - Published: 6/23/2008 - L, Light Y.
What Are Friends? by That Rabid Fangirl reviews
My pet project, set at Wammy's, with all character ages evened out. Kind of a cliche drabbles story. Warning: OC. I'm having lots of fun with this story!
Death Note - Rated: T - English - Friendship - Chapters: 21 - Words: 26,659 - Reviews: 20 - Favs: 19 - Follows: 8 - Updated: 8/2/2008 - Published: 2/25/2008 - L, Near - Complete
Pirates or Ninjas? by Random Flapdoodle reviews
Another of Ryuuzaki's "tests." But does it really have anything to do with Kira this time? One shot. Possible teensy bit of shonen-ai...if you choose to look at it that way.
Death Note - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,447 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 28 - Follows: 4 - Published: 7/26/2008 - Light Y., L - Complete
The Definition of Sexy by Mizurio reviews
UPDATED AND COMPLETE LxLightxL shounenai. Light and L decide to have a short break from working on the Kira case, and the last thing Light expected to happen was for L to call him sexy. But knowing L, nothing is as it seems.
Death Note - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 5 - Words: 9,463 - Reviews: 79 - Favs: 59 - Follows: 67 - Updated: 7/15/2008 - Published: 9/3/2007 - L, Light Y. - Complete
I'm A Gay by Mizurio reviews
L plays a dirty trick on Light. "Tell me Light-Kun, what does your name sound like backwards?" Crack.
Death Note - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 580 - Reviews: 34 - Favs: 87 - Follows: 6 - Published: 7/15/2008 - Light Y., L - Complete
Ways to Annoy the Death Note Characters by XxEijibabyxX reviews
Exactly what the title says. I love the anime death note and decided to make one of these kinds of fanfictions for it. We all know that there are a million ways to annoy your favorite character from Death Note.
Death Note - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 10 - Words: 3,944 - Reviews: 24 - Favs: 21 - Follows: 3 - Updated: 7/11/2008 - Published: 7/9/2008 - Complete
Gangster Genius: Inside the Mind of Light Yagami by Daisukeismyboyfriend reviews
What's really going on in the mind of our favorite shinigami-haunted pal? Title sucks... Rated T for slight language. R&R!
Death Note - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 7 - Words: 8,052 - Reviews: 33 - Favs: 24 - Follows: 17 - Updated: 6/6/2008 - Published: 4/6/2008 - Light Y.
Our Choice of Wardrobe by Cooper Writer Crafter reviews
Mello and Misa were both sporting the same black shirt in the exact same day. Everybody makes fun of them so they decided that it could only be resolved by forcing each other to take the shirt off even if they have to strip each other naked [MelloMisa]AU
Death Note - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 6,225 - Reviews: 44 - Favs: 50 - Follows: 22 - Updated: 1/27/2008 - Published: 5/20/2007 - Mello, Misa A.
You Better Watch Out by Sahxyel reviews
It's Christmastime, and Ryuk has questions about this 'Santa Claus'. Character Death! Oneshot!
Death Note - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,198 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 6 - Published: 12/17/2007 - Light Y.
The Great Logue Town Riot of '73 by Aemillia reviews
Shanks, Ben, and a bar room brawl that goes out of control.
One Piece - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,643 - Reviews: 18 - Favs: 35 - Follows: 3 - Published: 6/10/2004 - Violet/Viola, Shanks
Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

The King's Note rewrite reviews
With no true identity and the Shinigami King's own death note in her hands, aspiring con artist Katherine Lynton feels drawn to the Kira case and wishes to find some way to help solve it. Rewrite, AU, LxOC later, better summary inside.
Death Note - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 25 - Words: 107,735 - Reviews: 167 - Favs: 151 - Follows: 155 - Updated: 7/26/2011 - Published: 1/21/2010 - L, Light Y.
Psyched Out reviews
Sequel to Mellow Out,summary inside if you haven't read it. Alpha comes to Japan 4 years after leaving Wammys to help with the Kira case. When the Shinigami Akino returns after B's death, will it be a help in catching Kira or just a frustration to Alpha?
Death Note - Rated: T - English - Humor/Friendship - Chapters: 7 - Words: 26,259 - Reviews: 72 - Favs: 62 - Follows: 85 - Updated: 1/2/2011 - Published: 12/11/2008 - L
Necromantic reviews
Oneshot. "Cadmus was just worrying too much, his subconscious imagination getting away from him and making him believe that the stone might have actually had some sort of power to it." No huge spoilers for Tales of Beedle the Bard
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,160 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 2 - Published: 12/2/2010 - Complete
The Science of Stupidity reviews
On his first ever recon mission to a world known as Black Mesa, Demyx steals a rather mysterious gun that has the ability to create portals between any two points, and Vexen isn't all too pleased about it.
Crossover - Kingdom Hearts & Portal - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,500 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 19 - Follows: 2 - Published: 7/22/2010 - Demyx
Death Note: Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual reviews
I think we all know what these are. The newest one up is for B, and you can submit you questions for the FAQs about the NEAR unit in the reviews, since he'll be next.
Death Note - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 5 - Words: 10,184 - Reviews: 50 - Favs: 52 - Follows: 24 - Updated: 4/25/2010 - Published: 5/28/2009 - Complete
Sugar Cubes reviews
A series of comical L centric mini fics from fanfic50 challenge at Livejournal. Oneshot #11: Matsuda has never been a good actor... but who else would be stealing L's sugar cubes? A formal investigation is obviously in order here.
Death Note - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 11 - Words: 6,201 - Reviews: 34 - Favs: 25 - Follows: 20 - Updated: 1/26/2010 - Published: 8/14/2008 - L
The King's Note reviews
Katherine Lynton picked up the Shinigami King's Death Note and can see every one of their kind. Upon discovering the identities of Kira and L, will she sit back and watch their battle ensue or will her own feelings force her to take sides? LxOC REWRITING
Death Note - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 43 - Words: 152,300 - Reviews: 443 - Favs: 266 - Follows: 154 - Updated: 1/21/2010 - Published: 6/22/2008 - L, Light Y. - Complete
Hearing Problems reviews
As well as blessings, devil fruits could also be burdens on those who consumed them. Such was the case of five-year-old Lyon D. Karimi, who was unfortunate enough to accidentally consume a rather irritating one. For the Story Convention on The Muse Bunny.
One Piece - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 10 - Words: 27,820 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 11 - Follows: 14 - Updated: 11/6/2009 - Published: 8/6/2009
Any Way the Wind Blows reviews
Can an unmotivated pirate who became a pirate out of boredom ever really amount to anything? He certainly can if he lands himself on the Oro Jackson and becomes an apprentice alongside a generation of future greats, a red-hair and a clown among them.
One Piece - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 3 - Words: 11,866 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 13 - Follows: 24 - Updated: 8/17/2009 - Published: 8/8/2009 - Shanks
The Death of Justice reviews
L reflects on his regrets and his final wishes during his last few moments of life. Winner of "A Dying Man's Thoughts" contest on TheMuseBunny.
Death Note - Rated: T - English - Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 739 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 7 - Published: 8/12/2009 - L
Second Heir reviews
Ch 15 up. I thought to myself, with slightly raised eyebrows, that Tom had a rather bizarre definition of the word “interesting.” It wasn’t as though this surprised me. I had known Tom for more than five years. Not much surprised me anymore.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Suspense - Chapters: 15 - Words: 51,991 - Reviews: 34 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 6 - Updated: 7/20/2009 - Published: 10/19/2008 - Tom R. Jr., OC
Animalistic Tendencies reviews
Prequel to King's Note, though unnecessary to read both to understand the plots. Sean seeks revenge on Al by use of a death note, who he believes murdered his mother, though Al is innocent. M for profanity and violence. Mostly OC, with L in later CHPs.
Death Note - Rated: M - English - Suspense - Chapters: 8 - Words: 31,152 - Reviews: 14 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 6/10/2009 - Published: 4/26/2009 - L
Muffins of DEATH reviews
Ch 2 up. When Light and many others around the globe begin disappearing, L is forced to take on a case to figure out who's responsible, and what connection Chuck Norris and muffins might have to everything. Crackfic, not meant to be taken seriously!
Death Note - Rated: T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 7,283 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 2/12/2009 - Published: 2/7/2009 - L, Matsuda T.
A Braggart's Blunder reviews
Oneshot. "No one ever said that Antioch Peverell was a particularly humble man." MINOR spoilers for Tales of Beedle the Bard, nothing huge at all. Bigger spoilers for those who haven't read Deathly Hallows. See AN at top of fic for full summary.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,046 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Published: 2/5/2009 - Complete
Serpentine reviews
Epilogue up; completed. There came that déjà vu again, but Timothy brushed it away as though it were a spider that had landed on his shoulder by mistake. The familiarity confused him a bit, even disturbed him a little.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Suspense - Chapters: 12 - Words: 44,839 - Reviews: 17 - Favs: 9 - Follows: 6 - Updated: 1/19/2009 - Published: 11/3/2008 - OC, Gellert G. - Complete
Mellow Out reviews
An defiant youth is sent to live at The Wammy's House at the age of fourteen. She quickly finds herself burdened with a hyper, four-year-old blond child following her everywhere. Rated T for profanities and mild descriptions of violence in some chapters.
Death Note - Rated: T - English - Friendship/Angst - Chapters: 11 - Words: 37,502 - Reviews: 54 - Favs: 100 - Follows: 22 - Updated: 12/8/2008 - Published: 7/31/2008 - Mello, L - Complete
Justice Never Dies reviews
During a long deserved rest following the end of the Kira case, L awakens to find a notebook has been chucked at his head by a rather familiar Shinigami... one who threatens to kill him if he doesn't write a name. AU and rated T for language.
Death Note - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 10 - Words: 32,359 - Reviews: 56 - Favs: 47 - Follows: 49 - Updated: 7/30/2008 - Published: 7/13/2008 - L, Light Y.
Friendly Rivalry reviews
The cute new girl at The Wammys House presents a problem for Mello's severe inferiority complex, but his best friend doesn't seem keen on sticking up for him very much. Rated T for language.
Death Note - Rated: T - English - Humor/Friendship - Chapters: 6 - Words: 19,231 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 25 - Follows: 28 - Updated: 7/29/2008 - Published: 7/7/2008 - Matt, Mello
Sketch reviews
Emi leaves her father to live with her older brother, a Kira case investigator. With her skill at drawing and a newfound natural profiling talent, she could be a big help with the investigation... if she wants to help, that is. AU story.
Death Note - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 6 - Words: 19,695 - Reviews: 33 - Favs: 65 - Follows: 52 - Updated: 7/21/2008 - Published: 7/8/2008 - L, Matsuda T.
Deceptive Winning reviews
One-shot from L's POV explaining how L defeated Light and lived , which led to the course of events that happen in my story "Justice Never Dies." Obviously, it's AU. "I had won. It didn’t take a genius to see it."
Death Note - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,244 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 10 - Published: 7/17/2008 - L - Complete