Poll: In my story Convincing Kisuke, who are your two top choices to win the bet? Vote Now!
Author has written 16 stories for Final Fantasy VII, Black Blood Brothers, Bleach, Gundam Wing/AC, Supernatural, Saiyuki, and Leverage.
Author's Quote: Promises may be made to be broken, but rules are meant to be bent.
Please credit me if you wish to use my quote or ideas, and inform me if you think you might. As long as you ask I'll usually give permission.
UPDATE! 6-18-2012. Because of FFnet's deletion of accounts with explicit adult material, I am moving stories with such to adultfanfiction(net) instead. I have the same username there, don't worry; I'll be easy to find. But this is just so you know.
UPDATE, 5-7-2012. See, I'm still alive. Y'all are getting stories from me still. Even if I'm delving into Bleach yaoi again, instead of FFVII or something.
UPDATE! 2-2-2012. Made a forum. We'll see how that goes. http://www.fanfiction.net/myforums/Cuzosu/1572569/
UPDATE! 1-6-2012. Don't worry, I'm not abandoning SS. Shaded Blades is on hiatus, probably permanently, because Shikyokage and I have lost our inspiration for it. Sorry. I should have a new chapter of Seeing Red up within the next couple months; if I don't, feel free to message me and demand I get my uninspired bum in gear again. And I'm working on the other works that are WIPs here, too, so don't worry.
A Note to My Readers: I DO NOT WRITE ANYTHING THAT IS TYPICAL, SO PLEASE DO NOT MAKE ASSUMPTIONS. As they say, to assume makes an (arse) out of me and "u"...so don't be like that, hm? If you find something that confuses, angers, or pleases you, LET ME (OR SHIKYOKAGE in the case of collaborations) KNOW. If the work isn't liked, what's the point of writing it? And if you don't talk to the author, how is the author supposed to do anything whatsoever about it if you don't like it or are confused? Polite phrasing is also helpful, because personally, I'm not inclined to change anything when people tick me off. It's human nature, so if you aren't one of the people who regularly leaves reviews (flames don't count, because, as mentioned, they only tick me off) - GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE AND GET OVER YOURSELF, PLEASE. If you do leave reviews, then thank you, especially if you point out what you like or dislike in a fic, or what has you curious.
(FOREWARNING: All of my stories have names that fit, although the ways in which they suit differ. Both collaborations are heterosexual and will be explicit at some point, although those parts may not be posted here. All my works on TSH or here that are mine alone are YAOI, and may or may not be explicit. ALSO, I don't write anything that's not mature for at least language and possibly violence.)
Demon's Bane, a Naruto collaboration with my friend shikyokage and my friend fullmoon. Yes, there are OCs, but not only will they NOT be the main characters (or at least not the only ones if they do wind up as main characters), but they won't be either all-powerful or totally helpless, and since I'm not only writing it but betaing it (if shikyokage hasn't posted unedited chapters, which he's been known to do) it's also well-written and has excellent humor. I apologize that it seems like we ARE making the OCs the main characters for the first several chapters, but primarily we're trying to introduce them to the readers. Personally, I figure anyone reading the fic knows at least the Rookie Nine and their senseis and is probably familiar with the first set of Chunin Exams. One reviewer, an anonymous using the name Daiski, went on a rather impolite rant (flame) that showed just how little attention was really payed to the words written. Kage Bijuu, however, obviously WAS paying attention. I'm glad he seems to like it so far, and have already thanked him for taking the time to review. And, as I said in response to his last review, it's not just Sakura we bash heavily. We'll bash whatever character catches our attention. So far, that's included minor bashing of our OCs, major bashing of Sakura and Kabuto - and there's major bashing of our OCs planned, repeatedly. (Because what are friends for if not to insult each other? Lol.) Yes, there will be more, and yes, I may have forgotten to mention something. We intend to add a collection of side stories and random drabbles to do with Demon's Bane at some point. Primarily they will be details not fully relevant to the storyline of Demon's Bane and/or complete spoofs written because our senses of humor are overdeveloped. XD Posted here under shikyokage's account.
Shaded Blades, a Bleach collaboration with shikyokage. Again, yes, there are OCs and NO, it's not a typical OC-insertion fic. We're trying to keep as much to the original storyline as we can while still weaving OCs in, and, again, the first several chapters are introductory so that the readers familiarize themselves with our OCs and their personalities. Unfortunately, we hit a wall of writer's block, and it's his turn to write for a while about things he wants his OC to do. He'd had it written, but I think either a virus or a system reboot took it out, and he's lost his motivation to finish it any time soon. Posted here.
Prints: a Final Fantasy VII fan fic. Fully posted here, will add it to AFFnet shortly. Reno has to deliver a message to the reclusive Vincent Valentine - but Vincent is busy and keeps doing other things instead of letting the redhead hand over the letter. This series is followed by Of Paws and Pestering, and then by Halloween Hi-Jinx.
Picturesque: a Final Fantasy VII fic. Posted here, will add it to AFFnet shortly. Tseng is hiding something. Reno's suspicious. What does a cell phone have to do with it? And why is Rufus meeting Cid? Posted.
Silver Lining: a Final Fantasy VII fic. Reno has a mission. Tseng left a file in Sephiroth's office. Who's that at the window, and why is there ice outside? Posted here, will add it to AFFnet shortly.
The Tangled Trilogy: a Final Fantasy VII fic. Posted here, will add it to AFFnet shortly. Reno's just not having a good day. Even Rude is sympathizing. Wait - the rookie did what?!
Response to April 2010 Monthly Challenge on TSH: a Final Fantasy VII fic. Reno, work, and April Fools day just don't combine well. The question is, why did he almost scream himself awake this morning? Posted here, will add to AFFnet shortly.
Surreptitious Selfishness: a Black Blood Brothers fic. Zelman's being selfish again, but what does Jiro have to do with it? Kotaro's helping the redhead? What will Mimiko, Sei, and Kane have to say about it? WIP, posting here. I have not abandoned this; it's just that I lost where I was going with it and am having to wrestle something of a plot out of scraps of memory, so it's taking longer than any of us like, me included. :( I will be adding it to AFFnet, too, for the later explicitness.
Of Paws and Pestering: a Final Fantasy VII fic. An interim fic between Prints and its sequel, Hi-Jinx. A little bit of laughter, a little bit of plot, and a little bit of something else. Posted here, will add to AFFnet shortly.
Halloween Hi-Jinx: a Final Fantasy VII fic, finished. Sequel to Prints and Of Paws and Pestering. My friend Fullmoon and I were brainstorming on Halloween and came up with some hilarious ideas (had us cracking up over it all, actually), and then Feidreva on TSH kindly gave me a list of requirements to make things more interesting. Posted here, will add to AFFnet shortly. When Reno has to work on Halloween, all he wants to do is party. But what will he do when he finds out he's being fooled? On top of it all, Vincent still has to give Rufus an answer.
Seeing Red: a Final Fantasy VII fic, sequel to Hi-Jinx. WIP, am removing it to AFFnet on account of explicitness to come. Reno's messed up and knows it, so he's trying to make up for it. But old habits die hard, and nobody's prepared for what happens next.
Soaked: a Final Fantasy VII gift fic to Vixxy on TSH. Tseng and Zack pairing. Zack is drunk and lost in Midgar. It's raining and Tseng has just been given orders to go fetch the puppy home safely. But not taking the car is a bad idea, and who knows what Zack was drinking... Now Zack is hitting on Tseng, and the TURK doesn't quite know what to do about it - especially since Zack may not remember anything in the morning. I am moving this to AFFnet on account of its explicit content.
Hide and Peek: a Final Fantasy VII fic, sequel to Soaked. The puppy's tired of not getting to spend time with his lover, so he goes for a little paybacks to prove his point. Posted but will be moving to AFFnet on account of its explicit content. NOT PWP. This is a series, after all.
12 Days of Christmas at ShinRa HQ: a Final Fantasy VII fic, sequel to Hide and Peek. It's that time of year again, and Tseng's dreading what Reno may have in mind. But what he should really be worrying about is his puppy's train of thought... WIP but being posted, will be moved to AFFnet on account of explicit content.
Sparked: a Final Fantasy VII fic, gift for Spopococ 'cause she rawrks and is just that awesome. Also 'cause she's writing a Cloud and Joe fic (FFVII, Joe as in the guy who rides the black chocobos) for me because apparently my random remarks inspired her, lol. Tseng and Vincent pairing, top to be determined, with deep background issues that draw them closer together...and the bonfire at Cosmo Canyon. The rest, well, I'm still brainstorming here, thanks, lol. But the ideas are rollin'...and considering that each time I think of why I'm calling it Sparked, heheheh, I start with the evil, manic laughter...which has only made Spop happy, 'cause in her words: "I love when you maniacally laugh. Means I am gonna get an amazing gift >:3" And Fei seconded that, lol, and I am totally going to have all sorts of fun making this complicated, long, and uber hot... -maniacal evil laughter- Sparks are flyin'! Moving to AFFnet on account of explicit content.
What Tseng Didn't Want to Know: a Final Fantasy VII fic ... or, more accurately, a trio of one-shots, one of which was requested by Purple Pallbearer, featuring Angeal, Genesis, and Sephiroth. One night for Soaked, one for Hide and Peek, and one for 12 Days of Christmas at ShinRa HQ. Will most definitely be M, as it's basically PWP excepting the fact that it fits into various slots in the three other fics named. Will post on AFFnet when I'm done with 12.
Foil's Forte: a Gundam Wing/Three Musketeers crossoverish AU. Draws from the Disney version of the Three Musketeers, Simon R. Green's novels and my own humor. A blend of futuristic and middle ages. Gift fic to Clara Barton, who betas for me as I beta for her. :) Am working on the second part of the prologue (don't worry, it's Duo's part now, and I'll tackle 'Fei's part next). Hope everybody enjoys it!
The Fire Within: a Bleach AU. Inspired by black.k.kat's Memento Mori. A Sin City-esque AU yaoi story. Urahara and Ichigo as the main pairing...eventually. Summary: Kurosaki Ichigo is transferring to the Karakura police department against his father's wishes. Little does he know just how much his life is about to change. For starters, policing in Karakura doesn't exactly mean what it did in Seireitei. This will be moving to AFFnet on account of future explicit content and gore.
Inconceivable: a Bleach AU. Inspired by black.k.kat's Incalculable. Urahara and Ichigo as the main pairing. Action, adventure, and, best of all...here be dragons! Due to FFnet rules, I won't add the explicit chapters here, but instead will post a notification of whatever update on AFFnet instead.
Not a Relationship: a Bleach het mini-fic. Yoruichi and Shunsui don't have a relationship, and that's the way they like it. My friend Fei told me she didn't think they could be a good couple, and her comment sparked my competitive side, which felt the need to prove her wrong. :P And thus we have "Not a Relationship." I don't know, I like it.
Cuzosu's Bleach Drabbles: a collection of (probably all yaoi) Bleach drabbles. I will list the pairings as I add them. #1: Kensei and Grimmjow. #2: Kisuke and Shunsui. #3: Shunsui, Shuuhei and Shirosaki. #4: Grimmjow and Ichigo. #5: Kisuke and Shinji. #6: Shinji and Shirosaki. #7: Gin and Starrk. #8: Starrk and Urahara. #9: Kensei and Shuuhei. #10: Starrk and Grimmjow. #11: Zangetsu and Urahara. #12: Shuuhei and Grimmjow. #13: Renji and Urahara. #14: Shunsui and Starrk. #15: Shunsui, Shuuhei and Kensei. #16: Kensei and Urahara. #17: Shuuhei and Starrk. #18: Shuuhei and Ichigo. #19: Ichigo and Urahara. #20: Ukitake and Urahara. #21: Shunsui, Starrk and Kensei. #22: Byakuya and Kisuke. #23: Urahara and Gin. #24: Renji and Shuuhei. #25: Shuuhei and Kisuke. #26: Shinji and Starrk. #27: Shunsui and Shuuhei.
Rewired: a Bleach fic, extended version of black.k.kat's "Wire" for those who don't know. The explicit content of it will only be posted on AFFnet.
I'm intelligent and quirky, perverted and not very nice. Okay, I'm not nice at all. Only my pets and my teachers hold that misconception for long. --muses-- Even scared that one manager of mine...which was funny, since he's two or three times my size, Southern, and admitted that I scared him. --grin-- To quote him, "Oh, sure, she's nice...as long as you don't (get on her bad side). I made that mistake. Once. Man, I'm two or three times her size, and she INTIMIDATED ME!!" Lol, maybe it's 'cause I try not to be stupid and let my irritation get the best of me. But he really had irritated me, and I'd been dealing with (guess) DING!! drive-thru all night, and also kept getting called over to aid the newbies on counter, which was all the more annoying because I am only human. Basically, I was doing my job, the manager's, the counter person's, and the expediter's...during the dinner rush. (And he wondered why I snapped at him... --shakes head in bewilderment-- I NEVER snap at people for no reason...and rarely without GOOD reason... I get mean, but I don't snap. Especially in the workplace.)
I like dogs, 4wheeling, hunting, and yaoi, among other things. (Which is not to say I dislike yuri or het, because I'm a mostly straight bi chick...who's not looking to hook up with anyone, thx, I have a bf. I'm fine as I am. I merely find yaoi entertaining.)
I'm really good at acting as if I like people until I actually start liking them, but even my heavy chains on my temper don't always hold. Tried to be nice when responding to a flame this one time... But the assumptions made had rather offended me, especially when there were hints to the contrary strewn throughout the fic, so I kinda lost my patience and a slyly nasty bit slid into my response. Actually, my collaboration partners were surprised I'd been so nice about it. XP Of course, they know I have little patience and no tolerance for fools. When I finally get around to having them made, there will be signs hung from my doors and fence gates. They will read, "Beware of dogs. Be scared of owner." (One of my friends ecstatically agrees with that...though that would be one who wants a friends-with-benefits relationship. --shrug-- Some people are just crazy.)
My current collaboration partner has absolutely no decent sense of grammar, a sense of humor much like mine, and is the one who instigated our current collaborations. One, of course, is our Bleach collab, Shaded Blades. The second is currently called Demon's Bane (unless he's changed it since I last heard), and is a Naruto collab. But of course we mix in all sorts of oddities. Demented, my Itachi fan fic, will not be posted here, but is under my username Cuzosu on AFF.net, if you want to read it. (I highly recommend it if you like lots of irony, randomness, and comedy. But I get MEAN with the irony, if I say so myself. My OC--a character based off of me--at one point decides that "she wants to make things go boom, too!" and blows herself almost literally to pieces. She DOES blow herself into life as a pincushion for a bit. Slivers are painful. And I am cruel and unusual. But then, anyone who knows me well knows this.)
My sense of humor, most don't understand. It's a good thing. It makes for awkward conversations, bouts of manic cackling, and mass confusion. --shrug-- What can I say? My family tends to have approximately the same sense of humor; most of us are morbid to go with it. In example, here is a conversation my cousin and I had...with some bits and pieces not relevant to my point edited out.
me: --admits-- I damaged my shoulder last night, somehow. But I'm kinda irked that I don't know what I did to it...
Yamesu (my cousin, 'su): Do you want me to remove it for you?
me: --wry drawl-- Remove the damage, the pain, or the shoulder, Cousin? You have to clarify before I answer.
Yamesu: I meant the shoulder, of course. --dull blade--
If I have a muse, it is odd, spontaneous, and has a sense of humor at least as off-kilter as mine. That's saying something, unfortunately. Well, unfortunately for my characters and the other characters in my stories, be they fan fic or original. --grin-- My readers seem to like it, lol.
Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
"Idiot. Know your enemy before you strike the first blow." -Cliff Fittir
"You're as safe as a turtle in its shell." -Cliff Fittir
"There's no point in getting all excited. The lucky survive, and the unlucky die." -Albel "The Wicked" Nox
"Only death is allowed to stand in my way." -Albel Nox
"Whether we're real or not, let's not mope about it. You're pathetic." -Albel, to Fayt, upon finding out they're characters in a video game (an amusing twist for a video game, lol)
"An ambush? That's what you think." -Albel Nox
"I don't care how many maggots you've got. I'll crush them all." -Albel Nox
The Sapphire Rose: by David Eddings
"There's not much profit in randomly rendering relatives down to dog meat, is there?" -Stragen
The Death of the Necromancer: by Martha Wells
"I have a plan." This was true. "I just don't know whether it will actually work or not." This, unfortunately, was also true. - p. 322
"Perhaps we can find another horror for you to fight at a more convenient time." - p. 183
Nicholas was too tired to curse Fate at the moment. He would have to remember to do it later. -p. 191
Paths Not Taken: by Simon R. Green
"This place is bound to be packed with all kinds of people you detest the most. I'm sure you'll find someone worth upsetting in some thoroughly appalling and vindictive way."
Pale Demon: by Kim Harrison
"You could have jumped me there at any time?" Trent said hotly.
Spopococ's Unconventional FFVII survey (Cause there’s too much KH and not enough FF)
1. Have you honestly ever thought of Cait Sith as a useful character?
Not really. My fav 3 (too bad I had to use Cloud) were Yuffie, Vincent, and Red XIII, also known as Nanaki.
2. In a fight out of Cloud and Vincent, who would kick the most ass?
Vincent has my vote. Ex-TURK turned experiment? How could that NOT beat a guy who only dreamed he was in SOLDIER??
3. Rather be stuck in a room with Barret, or Cid?
Err... For all of his loud mouth and temper, Barret doesn't smoke, so him. Sorry, Cid!! Although if the window's open Cid's more tolerable. XD
4. Aerith or Tifa?
Tifa. She doesn't wear pink.
5. Yuffie or Elena?
Yuffie. Hyperactive ninja beats dumb rookie TURK.
6. Cait Sith or Kunsel?
Uhh...Cait, because he's Reeve through a machine.
7. Reeve or Rude?
Either or. They're both cool. But Rude makes things go boom, so probably him. Lol.
8. Did you ever manage to create more then one mastered all, simply to become a millionaire?
Not simply to become a millionaire, no...
9. You all liked to find ways to kill a few hours, admit it. Was it mindlessly levelling every character or Gold Saucer trawling?
Some of each. But mainly, my bros and I always seemed to wind up either breeding and racing chocobos or playing the snowboarding mini game, where we got the Time Attack balloon and all three Speed balloons, and I knocked our high score on the Crazy Course (somewhere around 1 minute 35 seconds) down a full ten seconds one night when my bro "Luki" and I stayed up til after three am racing each other. --shakes head-- Took years to beat that score, and then "Luki" only took it down by less than half a second, so I told him he didn't score bragging rights until he knocked it down another ten. XD Aren't I mean...? Lol.
10. Explain your first experience with Ruby weapon.
"WTF? There's a red thing in the sand... Can I hit it? ... OMFG, it killed me in less than three moves!!"
11. Standard question: favourite pairing?
You ask the most difficult questions... One of the following: RenoxRude, RenoxRufus, RenoxVincent, RufusxVincent
12. How much would you have to be bribed to completely abandon the FFVII world?
There's not enough money in this world to make me permanently abandon it. This is somewhat sad, and even more so as I'm the one who hooked my bros on it as well...
13. Honestly, did you like Advent Children Complete more, simply because there was more Zack?
Well, no, not really. But I liked the art in Cloud and Tifa's bedroom and the scenes with Vincent, Red XIII, and Yuffie. Though it sucked that Cait was riding Red XIII.
14. Did you cringe, or squeal with manic delight when Cloud got stabbed by Sephiroth in AC: Complete?
The manic delight part, except I think it was cackling. I like Seph better than Cloud.
15. Have you ever read a FFVII pairing that made you think “wtf?” and then ended up becoming one of your favourites?
Uh, TsengxRenoxRufus. --will say no more--
16. Is there anyone in the FFVII universe that you honestly thought didn’t belong there?
No, they did make at least a bit of backstory for the characters you barely saw. It all fit pretty well.
17. Have you ever wondered how Bugenhagen was Red’s grandfather?
I'm fairly sure the game creators meant he was adopted or that it was just what Nanaki called him. I mean, come on, I'm sure most of us give a lot of the people we're close to nicknames. If you want to be technical about it I have no sister, but then my sister and I call each other sisters regardless, 'cause we are in any way that matters.
18. Which character just blatantly pissed you off the most?
Aeris (or Aerith, however you want to spell it). She wore pink and she died early in the game. At least Cait Sith, for all that he was an enemy in disguise for a while, stayed alive and on your side.
19. If you've played Crisis Core, how was your experience with VR Zack?
Haven't. No PSP, heard too many bad things about it. Probably will later.
20. Did you ever 100 percent the missions?
21. How many times did Minerva kick your ass?
22. If you had to see Cloud have just one life long partner, would you pick Tifa or Aerith?
Just to be perverse (and because Cloud needs to be coupled with someone who'll stand up to him) Rufus.
23. Did you get teary when Aerith got knifed, or secretly cheer to yourself?
Cheer, totally. I believe I said approximately this: "FINALLY!! Now I don't have to deal with her or see the pink any more!!" Unfortunately, there were flashbacks...
24. Did you ever have the experience with Lucrecia in the mountainside?
Yup. First time I got the sub, as a matter of fact. I got lost and surfaced, went in and BOOM! There was that. Got bored again on disc 3 and went around in the sub again, rediscovered Lucrecia's cave, and got Vincent's final weapon and attack.
25. If you were to get a birthday present for Cloud, what would you give him?
Rufus wrapped up in a bow. --perverted, perverse creature, yes Cuzosu is--
26. Which WEAPON kicked your ass the most amount of times?
Good question. Ruby or Emerald WEAPON, not sure which. Of course, I liked to try to beat Emerald without that friggin' Underwater Materia. So probably Emerald, because I'm stubborn and like to see if I can do things the hard way.
27. If Genesis were to meet Gackt in real life, what do you think would happen?
I'm sure I don't know. And I'm just as sure that unless there was yaoi or bloodshed, I'd be uninterested. Yaoi preferred, of course.
28. Do you think Genesis and Angeal played dolly whilst growing up in the same town?
Wouldn't surprise me, considering the makers of FFVII had Cloud cross-dress.
29. If you could pick one character to date, who would it be?
Either Reno, Vincent, or Rufus, I think... Possibly Genesis.
30. Do you think that, behind the scenes, Tseng blows off steam by having bubble baths and playing with a rubber duckie?
I rather doubt it. Quiet mountain retreat? Entirely possible. Or maybe just beating the hell out of something.
31. Do you think Red ever chases his tail?
He probably did when he was a puppy. But given that in AC he apparently has pups, not anymore. The pups might chase his tail, lol.
32. Which Yaoi pairing do you think is the most believable?
Depends on how in character the authors keep the fic.
33. Which Yuri?
34. Which het?
...VincentxYuffie, oddly enough, or TsengxElena--maybe.
35. Do you think Reno’s hair colour is natural, or he dyes it just to be pretty?
Idk, I've seen some interesting natural hair colors. Mine goes this interesting burnished copper-mix sometimes, while my eyebrows are naturally black.
36. Is it unfair that Cloud never made it to SOLDIER?
No, he was weak.
37. If Sephiroth were to have his theme song changed from ‘One Winged Angel’, what should he have it as?
"Evil Angel" by Breaking Benjamin
38. If Rude were to have a catch phrase other than “…”, what would it be?
"Hell no." (Re-watch AC if you don't get that--he says it just after Reno's little quip when they see Bahamut.)
39. Do you think Hojo or Vincent is Sephiroth’s Real father?
As into her science as Lucrecia (selfish little...) was, probably Hojo.
40. Rufus Shinra or Papa Shinra?
Rufus, definitely. His dad was almost as annoying as Heidegger.
41. If Zack was to have an AOL screen name, what would it be?
Just for his last name, lol.
42. If Genesis lost his copy of Loveless, do you think he’d go for Dr. Seuss?
We can only hope. --crosses fingers, eyes Loveless--
43. Which book?
Any of them.
44. If Sephiroth, Genesis, Angeal, Zack and Cloud formed a band, what would they call themselves and what kind of music would they play?
The Silver Stars (there ARE five of them and five points in a star, and we all know Seph'd be the lead singer).
45. Who would play what?
The rest are up for grabs. But personally, I think Cloud is tone-deaf, so drums for him.
K, now that you've read it on my profile, go put it on your own and credit spopococ. ;D
The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord 1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
(This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that, one, it is not altered in any way, and, two, this copyright notice is attached.)
Bleach fanfic challenge... number your favorite characters in Bleach in order, and answer the following questions! Have fun!..
HERE'S MY ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS:
1. Kisuke Urahara
2. Shuuhei Hisagi
3. Ichigo Kurosaki
4. Hollow Ichigo/Hichigo/Shirosaki
5. Shunsui Kyoraku
6. Coyote Starrk
7. Tensa Zangetsu
8. Kensei Muguruma
9. Yoruichi Shihoin
10. Grimmjow Jeagerjaquez
1. Have you read a five/ten fic before?
Shunsui/Grimmjow? No... I'm not sure it would even work...
2. Do you think three is hot? How hot?
He's not bad, but he's not exactly my type, so that dampens down the attraction, y'know?
3. What would happen if six got one pregnant?
...the hell? I'd have to wonder what experiment Kisuke was running, because they're both guys. Not to mention, as hot as the image is, he'd probably have to have slipped an aphrodisiac into Starrk's food or drink...
4. Do you recall any good fics about nine?
Yoruichi...I usually don't read fics about her. She's great comedy, but in the stories I read she's not the main character.
5. Would seven and two make a good couple?
Shuuhei and Zangetsu? Hm... I hadn't thought of that before. They might, if they met.
6. Four/eight or four/nine?
o.O ...now that you mention it, I think 4/8 would be wonderful. Either as top. Yum. 4/9 just seems wrong to me.
7. What would happen if seven discovered three and eight in a secret relationship?
Zangetsu would know the second it happened. :P And, given that he's technically a part of Ichigo, I don't think he'd have a problem with it.
8. Make a summary of at least twenty words for a two/six fic.
Shuuhei/Starrk? Oddly enough, I was already thinking about writing a fic like this... How cool.
9. Is there a such thing as a four/ten romantic fluff story?
Hollow Ichigo/Hichigo/Shirosaki with Grimmjow? A FLUFF story? I seriously doubt it.
10. Suggest a title for a one/five Hurt/Comfort fic.
Kisuke/Shunsui, Hurt/Comfort, huh? "A Cupful of Heartache"
11. What kind of plot would you use if four wanted to seduce one?
This is Hichigo/Hollow Ichigo/Shirosaki we're talking about. Seduction wouldn't enter the picture.
12. Does anyone on your friends list read number seven/nine slash?
Yoruichi and Zangetsu? But that's not slash... And I don't know...
13. If you wrote a songfic about number ten, what song would you chose?
Hm... Not entirely sure... Perhaps "I Will Not Bow" by Breaking Benjamin. Then again, perhaps something else... Hm...
14. If you wrote a two/three/six fic, what would the warning be?
Kinks, swearing, explicit yaoi. 'cause after all it's Shuuhei, Ichigo, and Starrk. Heheheh.
15. What pick-up line might eight use on five?
"I need a drinking buddy." (The sad part is it would actually work. .)
16. Challenge: Write a drabblefic for ten/eight.
...I fail. How the hell would KenseixGrimmjow even work? ...well, I guess I can try it, but I expect this to be a flop. Well, unless you like yaoi implications and cussing, and my own twisted sense of Kensei and Grimmjow lovin'... Anyway, you are warned! So, here goes:
Silver hair shone as Kensei's eyes wandered the barroom and his blue-haired lover. Grimmjow was feisty and fun.
Kensei spared an assessing gaze for his drunken lieutenant, and the Hollow-kitty pounced. "I know your subordinate's popular, Kensei, but he's a big shinigami and can take care of himself."
Grinning, the silver-haired Vizard tilted his head until his voice could rumble in his lover's ear. "Jealous, kitty? You know you're the only one I pet."
Blue eyes glinting, Grimmjow pulled out a coin. "Heads says I get top tonight," came the challenge.
"Tails and I nail your a$$."