xXShadowThornXx
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Joined 05-12-08, id: 1575019, Profile Updated: 12-26-13

Valid Questions That I Want Answers For

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
3. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
4. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
5. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
6. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
7. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... Is he still wrong?
8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? And is it suicide or murder?
9. Is there another word for synonym?
10. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
12. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
13. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
14. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
15. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
16. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
17. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
18. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
19. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
20. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road?

25 THINGS I OWE TO MY MOM

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

A teenage girl about 17 had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year.

She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone. She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away.

As she walked along under the tall elm trees, she asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger.

When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it.

However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her.

She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection.

Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her.

When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely.

The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there.

Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to cry.

Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station.

She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story.

The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him.

She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before.

When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed.

The officer thanked her for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her.

She asked if they would ask the man one question.

She was curious as to why he had not attacked her.

When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her."

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We're Not a Couple! by Roxanne15927 reviews
A series of oneshots about Sherlock and John in awkward situations. Friendship, no slash, despite the incriminating title. Fluffiness abounds!
Sherlock - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Friendship - Chapters: 20 - Words: 41,903 - Reviews: 419 - Favs: 234 - Follows: 250 - Updated: 7/18/2014 - Published: 5/14/2013 - Sherlock H., John W., DI Lestrade
Little Seer by HuskyWalker reviews
Voldemort won the first war. Harry is happy to live as an unnoticed squib at Hogwarts. Unfortunately, visions and rebels don't allow that and Harry soon catch the attention of the dark lord.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 38 - Words: 328,315 - Reviews: 2460 - Favs: 3,694 - Follows: 3,930 - Updated: 6/27/2014 - Published: 7/22/2012 - Harry P., Voldemort - Complete
Keeping Appearances by TheEscapeFromReality reviews
Harry walks the halls of Hogwarts seriously injured and is confronted by the Slytherins. They take him to Snape, who uses Legilimency to make a startling discovery. Is Dumbledore really who he says he is? Is Harry really on the right side of the war? Goodish!Voldemort, No Slash, Powerful Harry, Mentor Snape, Good Malfoys, super bad Dumbles, very abused Harry, AU Goblet of Fire
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Family - Chapters: 20 - Words: 98,599 - Reviews: 1091 - Favs: 2,940 - Follows: 2,492 - Updated: 3/16/2014 - Published: 5/3/2011 - Harry P., Severus S., Lucius M., Voldemort - Complete
Dear Order by SilverWolf7007 reviews
"I'm still alive, as you may surmise from this note. Of course, I could be dead and someone is faking the letter to fool you…" Harry is NOT happy about being left at Privet Drive all summer with no one to talk to.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 19 - Words: 23,268 - Reviews: 5496 - Favs: 8,214 - Follows: 8,839 - Updated: 2/25/2014 - Published: 9/17/2006 - Harry P., Luna L.
Imaginary by Silver Ame Tsukino reviews
Harry is sent to live with the Dursleys by his parents. The neighbor works for a U.S. Research Center and Petunia is granted her biggest desire to become a witch. How would becoming a witch change Petunia's feelings and actions towards Harry?AU Neutral!HP
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Family - Chapters: 24 - Words: 54,227 - Reviews: 281 - Favs: 404 - Follows: 413 - Updated: 10/10/2013 - Published: 5/18/2008 - Harry P., Petunia D. - Complete
The Shadows of Doubt by Lilliana Dearing reviews
This fic is Trueblood/SVM. While in Dallas Sookie discovers a much darker side of Bill then she had ever been able to imagine. Will Eric and Godric be able to save her? Will she in turn be able to save Godric from himself?
True Blood - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 16 - Words: 91,526 - Reviews: 627 - Favs: 524 - Follows: 634 - Updated: 7/19/2013 - Published: 3/16/2010 - Eric N., Sookie S.
A Snake Named Voldemort by estalita11 reviews
COMPLETE After being turned into a snake and unable to change back, Lord Voldemort is forced to turn to the only other living Parselmouth, Harry Potter. After making a deal, Harry agrees to help the Dark Lord return to his human form. SLASH HP/LVTMR
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 24 - Words: 185,074 - Reviews: 2888 - Favs: 5,653 - Follows: 3,042 - Updated: 6/25/2012 - Published: 4/30/2011 - Harry P., Voldemort - Complete
Eyes Wide Open ABANDONED by BBQkitten reviews
Mafia: Cold-blooded, ruthless killers? Or family? When Bella moves to New York she gets sucked into a life she was taught to fear. She gets in too deep and is left with an ultimatum: love or death? Will love concur all or is she a dead girl walking? B/EM
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 13 - Words: 16,063 - Reviews: 269 - Favs: 241 - Follows: 292 - Updated: 4/17/2012 - Published: 7/11/2011 - [Bella, Emmett] - Complete
Revealed by xiiaogurlz reviews
Things have changed for the boy-who-lived and hidden truths will come to light. What is Dumbledore’s true intention? What is Harry’s true parentage and destiny? Will he accept the truth? DarkHarry DMHP
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Family - Chapters: 16 - Words: 18,772 - Reviews: 161 - Favs: 129 - Follows: 195 - Updated: 12/6/2011 - Published: 9/22/2009 - Draco M., Harry P.
BellaSitting with the Cullens by Elise Penn reviews
When Bella gets hurt by having too much fun, Edward puts her on ultimate lockdown mode. The Cullens take turns bellasitting her! Extremely funny and worth reading. PLEASE REVIEW Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, it belongs to Stephanie Meyers.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 12 - Words: 21,234 - Reviews: 81 - Favs: 98 - Follows: 67 - Updated: 11/12/2011 - Published: 5/28/2009 - Bella
Are You Coming? by James' Lily Flower reviews
What if you discovered an unknown son, who is nothing like you expected? Rich business man, James Potter has. He must care for his child, Harry, while his ex-girlfriend goes on a romantic retreat with her new boyfriend. It won't be easy. AU, HP,JP/LE.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Family - Chapters: 13 - Words: 30,342 - Reviews: 227 - Favs: 249 - Follows: 369 - Updated: 4/28/2011 - Published: 7/27/2008 - James P., Harry P.
Heaven For The Weather, Hell For The Company by Lady Lemon Drop reviews
Time Travel 'His hand sunk through the wall. Someone grabbed it on the other side.' After the war, a letter from Harry's mother changes his life, giving him the one thing he's always wanted. To meet his parents. Re-vamp of previous 24 chapter story HPGW
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 3 - Words: 12,382 - Reviews: 328 - Favs: 172 - Follows: 254 - Updated: 11/10/2010 - Published: 6/5/2008 - Harry P., James P.
Prison of the Mind by The Modern Prometheus reviews
Not your average Harry goes to prison story. After the final battle Harry is thrown in prison and forgotten by society but he hasn't given up yet and neither has Voldemort! Mild language
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 3 - Words: 11,267 - Reviews: 146 - Favs: 283 - Follows: 632 - Updated: 6/21/2010 - Published: 12/31/2007 - Harry P., Sirius B.
A Light in the Dark by Athenian Grace reviews
Vernon and Petunia Dursley didn’t see the letter Dumbledore left and brought baby Harry to a hospital. Will compassionate Doctor Cullen be able to let Harry go? Will they ever understand Harry's past? Twilight crossover
Crossover - Harry Potter & Twilight - Rated: T - English - Family - Chapters: 24 - Words: 103,722 - Reviews: 1576 - Favs: 2,942 - Follows: 1,968 - Updated: 4/30/2010 - Published: 1/2/2009 - Harry P., Edward - Complete
World Enough and Time by salty-sarah reviews
On the night four names are drawn from the Goblet of Fire instead of three, Viktor Krum spies the figure of young Harry Potter and makes a decision that will rock the entire wizarding world. Canon till the Tournament. Viktor/Harry
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 12 - Words: 31,238 - Reviews: 991 - Favs: 4,430 - Follows: 1,358 - Updated: 4/27/2010 - Published: 2/28/2010 - Viktor K., Harry P. - Complete
Volturi Daughter by twilightlover16 reviews
Bella Swan's parents and relatives were killed by Volturi gaurds. Hiedi taks her in, leading her to become Isabella Marie Volturi.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Family - Chapters: 19 - Words: 15,104 - Reviews: 388 - Favs: 289 - Follows: 351 - Updated: 1/3/2010 - Published: 4/9/2008
Guardianship by MysticalTears reviews
Summary: It is the end of his sixth year and Harry Potter is forced to go back to his relatives. But, the Dursley’s never showed up. Why? Where are they? That’s not the worst yet, however. A certain person claims for guardianship… No slash
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Mystery - Chapters: 16 - Words: 22,788 - Reviews: 610 - Favs: 445 - Follows: 696 - Updated: 11/21/2009 - Published: 6/19/2006 - Harry P., Voldemort
Dark Past, Bright Future by AshleySue reviews
After recognizing Godric during the events in Dallas, Sookie returns to Louisiana and must choose between Bill, Godric, and Eric. Full summary inside.
True Blood - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 21 - Words: 55,995 - Reviews: 445 - Favs: 561 - Follows: 172 - Updated: 11/14/2009 - Published: 10/17/2009 - Sookie S., Godric - Complete
The One Who Carries The Child by Lamila reviews
Harry comes back with a surprise after being tortured for three months...
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 13 - Words: 89,070 - Reviews: 151 - Favs: 217 - Follows: 234 - Updated: 10/10/2009 - Published: 6/16/2008 - Harry P., Voldemort
Abandoned, Broken And Angry by InMyLittleEmoCorner reviews
Harry's parents come to collect him after abandoning him on a random doorstep 13 years ago. Will he accept them back into his life? Read and Find Out. - Okay, so I like this story, but I think it's a bit flat,a bit boring. So it's being re-vamped-
Harry Potter - Rated: K - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 7 - Words: 10,188 - Reviews: 116 - Favs: 121 - Follows: 178 - Updated: 8/26/2009 - Published: 7/24/2008 - Harry P., Draco M.
Time's Lullaby by Shy-Hime reviews
COMPLETE! Sequel is called Littlest Things. DMHPBZ SLASH! Creature!Harry Strong!Harry Mentions Rape briefly BEING REWRITTEN
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 13 - Words: 21,227 - Reviews: 254 - Favs: 444 - Follows: 353 - Updated: 7/6/2009 - Published: 2/2/2009 - Harry P., Draco M. - Complete
Harry's Little Army of Psychos by RuneWitchSakura reviews
Oneshot from Ron’s POV. Ron tries to explain to the twins just how Harry made the Ministry of Magic make a new classification for magical creatures, and why the puffskeins were now considered the scariest magical creature of all time. No pairings.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,308 - Reviews: 600 - Favs: 4,159 - Follows: 633 - Published: 3/27/2009 - Ron W., Harry P. - Complete
Fleeing the Darkness, Finding Family by ArrancarMaiden reviews
This is another wrong Boy-Who-Lived story, but with a different twist. When Vernon Dursley is killed in a car crash, Petunia is free to raise Harry a different way, the right way. ADOPTED BY STORYPRINCESS92
Crossover - Harry Potter & Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama/Family - Chapters: 6 - Words: 15,347 - Reviews: 186 - Favs: 336 - Follows: 503 - Updated: 3/13/2009 - Published: 1/18/2009 - Harry P.
Harry Potter and the Dream Come True by grand admiral chelli reviews
After a gross miscalculation by the Dark Lord, James Potter is alive and well again, and having the time of his life as he, Sirius, and Harry take Hogwarts by storm! Year 5 AU fic
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 49 - Words: 252,873 - Reviews: 2340 - Favs: 1,818 - Follows: 1,407 - Updated: 1/2/2009 - Published: 5/19/2003 - Harry P., James P.
Alex Rider and Yet Another Mission by WingsOutSpread reviews
MI6 never got the hint of him never wanting another mission, nor why he hates them. Sent off to spy on the oddest bunch of assassins with K-Unit trailing along, can this end with happiness or will it all spell disaster for Alex?
Alex Rider - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure - Chapters: 11 - Words: 21,906 - Reviews: 147 - Favs: 73 - Follows: 108 - Updated: 12/23/2008 - Published: 6/4/2008
The Twelve Disasters of Christmas by SilverWolf7007 reviews
Hermione and the others aren’t sure why, but the leadup to Christmas in Gryffindor Tower seems to be fraught with nothing but chaos, mistakes, and of course, Harry trying to be helpful.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 12 - Words: 15,992 - Reviews: 326 - Favs: 656 - Follows: 217 - Updated: 12/20/2008 - Published: 12/14/2006 - Harry P., Hermione G. - Complete
The Life and Times of Isa‘Bella’ Marie Hale by Yuuka Tanari reviews
“Car Wreck Kills Runaway Wife – Baby Girl Declared Dead – Grieving Police Chief Commits Suicide” She read the newspaper over quickly before smiling to the six month baby in her other arm. She added, “Isabella Marie Swan adopted by Rosalie and Emmett Hale.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,814 - Reviews: 54 - Favs: 42 - Follows: 58 - Published: 11/24/2008 - Bella
To Love And Be Loved by dan4eva reviews
ON TEMPORARY HIATUS What if the Potters didn't all die on that fateful night? James survives, Neville is hailed as the BWL, Harry is the youngest of two Potter boys, and a whole lot of Snapes....
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Angst/Drama - Chapters: 3 - Words: 10,901 - Reviews: 40 - Favs: 58 - Follows: 90 - Updated: 10/7/2008 - Published: 6/2/2008 - Harry P., Severus S.
Changes by PadfootProngs7 reviews
What if Sirius had never died in the Department of Mysterys, and offered Harry a home summer before his sixth year? This story takes place the summer before Harry's sixth year.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Family - Chapters: 12 - Words: 15,637 - Reviews: 111 - Favs: 116 - Follows: 71 - Updated: 8/29/2008 - Published: 4/7/2008 - Harry P., Sirius B. - Complete
BACK TO THE FUTURE! by yolapeoples reviews
Harry has just found the mirror Sirius gave him and hopes to communicate with his dead godfather once more, but what happens when the mirror transports him back to 1977 and he runs into the teenager Marauders? Complete chaos, that's what! Please R&R!
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 16 - Words: 24,689 - Reviews: 259 - Favs: 127 - Follows: 72 - Updated: 8/15/2008 - Published: 5/24/2008 - Harry P., Sirius B. - Complete
The Heart of a Vampire by Hyper Blood Pixie reviews
What would happen if Edward and Bella meet again after he left her in NM. Bella is a vampire, but she already has a bf. Will she give him up 4 Edward? Will he let her go? What would happen if Bella's life is at stake? Please read and Review! I suk at sums
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 20 - Words: 21,462 - Reviews: 176 - Favs: 61 - Follows: 44 - Updated: 8/12/2008 - Published: 7/18/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Love That Binds Us by Insanity is Happiness reviews
What if one thing had changed in the Department of Mysteries? If just one more spell had been cast randomly? Would it change anything? It would. R&R please.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Angst - Chapters: 2 - Words: 5,628 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 21 - Follows: 7 - Updated: 7/22/2008 - Published: 7/21/2008 - Harry P., Sirius B. - Complete
Moments with the Cullens by R.Hale reviews
A story about many funny moments with the Cullen family. Bella is a vampire aleady, and new experiences with the family are of course going to be...interesting. Find out what happens, in the moments spent with the Cullens. first fanfic, be nice! R&R
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 9 - Words: 7,452 - Reviews: 60 - Favs: 36 - Follows: 45 - Updated: 6/22/2008 - Published: 2/24/2008
Harry Potter and the Horcruxes' Quest by loonie lupin reviews
/complete/ After OotP, Harry decides to run away in order to train to be ready to face Voldemort. He goes to find the one person he trusted as a child: Scott Summers. Sparks fly. Spoilers for HBP and DH. HP/X-Men crossover - Scott/Harry slash
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 20 - Words: 66,913 - Reviews: 367 - Favs: 1,187 - Follows: 404 - Updated: 6/18/2008 - Published: 5/25/2008 - Harry P. - Complete
A Magical Maraudering Summer by EdwardCullensgirl14 reviews
Harry is upset. The D.O.M incident was not to long ago. He is now at Hogwarts when a miracle happens. Surprising him and everyone at Hogwarts and many attacks and fun are at play. Formly known as My Immortal
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor/Family - Chapters: 6 - Words: 5,280 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 8 - Updated: 5/29/2008 - Published: 4/6/2008 - Harry P.
Famous First Words by Lady Lemon Drop reviews
If you haven't already guessed, Harrys first word! Strait forward right? Something simple? Well, thats where your wrong! Read to find out! R&R!
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Family - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,210 - Reviews: 37 - Favs: 136 - Follows: 13 - Published: 9/14/2007 - Harry P., Sirius B. - Complete
Summer of Independence by redfrog reviews
Set right after 5th year. Harry becomes independent. No pairings, lots of Quidditch and some Ron&Ginny&Dumbledore&Etc bashing.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure/Friendship - Chapters: 18 - Words: 131,378 - Reviews: 769 - Favs: 3,789 - Follows: 856 - Published: 7/16/2007 - Harry P. - Complete
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