Author has written 3 stories for Vampire Diaries, Glee, and Harry Potter.
Hello my fellow readers and writers!
There is not much you need to know about me: I'm female and 19 and a sophomore in university!
Here are some fun things to read!
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental
Please select from the following options:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn
15 Things to do when you're in Wal-mart!
1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.
4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror.
9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.
10. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look
12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.. "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"
14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here!
15. Grab a lot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting "Go, Pikachu, Go!"
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint
What makes 100 percent? What does it mean to give MORE than 100 percent? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100 percent? We all have been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over one hundred percent. How about acheiving 103 percent? What makes up 100 percent in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions;
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
8118423151811= 98 percent
11141523125475= 96 percent
120209202145 =100 percent
2211212198920= 103 percent
and look how far this one will take you,
1191911919199147= 118 percent!
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while HARDWORK and KNOWLEDGE will get you close, and ATTITUDE will get you there, its really the BULLSHIT and ASSKISSING that will put you over the top. (and this iz the truth)
Have you ever wondered:
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin...
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish-washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person can't.
this is this cat
this is is cat
this is how cat
this is to cat
this is keep cat
this is a cat
this is dumb-ass cat
this is busy cat
this is for cat
this is forty cat
this is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down and I bet you can't resist passing it on.
For people that hate stereotypes: If you think people should just shut up and stop, put this on your profile. (BOLD the ones you are.)
I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.
if they are right... copy and paste this into your profile. lI understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why isn't notebook paper constantly suffocating students while they take notes in class? I'll tell you why: because paper can't beat anybody; a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to beat me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh shit, I'm sorry. I thought paper would protect you, you asshole!"
Just say no to drugs. Because if your drugs are talking to you, you've probably had too many.
Sanity? I never had such a useless thing to begin with!
That which does not kill me had better run pretty dang fast
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
A wise man once said, "Ask a girl."
When in doubt, push random buttons!
You wanna know why God created man before woman? Every masterpiece needs a rough draft!
There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, it's usually an oncoming express train.
There are three kinds of people. Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves.
They say guns don't kill people; people do. Well, I think guns help. I mean, if you just stood there and yelled 'BANG!' I don't think you'd kill many people...
Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever you just keep on talking
You know, you do this annoying thing where you open your mouth and then these things you call words come out. Yeah like that. Stop it
An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work
They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
A clear conscience is usually a sign of memory loss.
I'm not as dumb as you look
The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.
Hate is just a special kind of love we give to people who suck.
I used to have super powers, but then my therapist took them away.
They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?
Some people are like slinkies. They seem to have no purpose, but they still bring you a smile when you push them down the stairs.
Keep smiling; it makes people wonder what you're up to
Love your enemies. It gets them really confused.
It's always darkest before dawn...so if you're gonna steal the neighbors newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown...and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked up into jet engines.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.
It takes a big man to cry...but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Doors are on a house so you don't have to go through the windows.
No one ever says "it's only a game" if their team is winning.
I never repeat myself, so pay close attention to me the first time, cause I never repeat myself.
Canaries are the best, especially with ketchup on them.
Slow and steady gets you trampled by the other guys.
When opportunity knocks, shoot first and ask questions later.
When all else fails, use duct tape.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing
"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"
"Even a stopped clock is right twice a day."
"Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there's footprints on the moon."
"What's behind this door? -opens it- ...another door. Hilarious."
"There are 1000 ways I could kill you, and 941 of them hurt."
They locked you in?"
I'll try to be nicer if you'll try to be smarter.
I'm not good at empathy, will you settle for sarcasm?
Earth is full. Go home.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
I respect your opinion, I just think it's stupid.
It's true, blonds do have more fun. But brunets remember it in the morning.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams
"I didn't lie! I just created fiction with my mouth! "
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
"Never memorize something that you can look up."
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