Professor Cassandra
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Joined 07-09-08, id: 1629202, Profile Updated: 01-30-10
Author has written 13 stories for Harry Potter, and Sweeney Todd.

The awesomest intro EVER

For the last time, Voldemort, you cannot borrow my cucumber melon moisturizer! Crucio! Muahahahahahaha!!

...Oh, hello. You must be wondering about me. My name is Professor Cassandra, and I specialize in Harry Potter humor fics about Voldy and his Death Eaters. My stories are all very silly and out of character, with no purpose but to make you laugh out loud until your family wonders what the heck is wrong with you. In other words, they're good reads for when you're hyped up on Mountain Dew. Feel free to review them, and let me know what you think. Also, check back every now and then because I like to update my profile a lot.

What's on my mind lately...

Update 5/30/09: Changed my avatar. It's been awhile (since January, I think--lol).

Update 5/27/09: Added profiles for Olga and Mr. Happysmileyman under "Meet my original characters!" Dunno why I had not done that yet...

Update 5/7/09: Finally jumped on the bandwagon and got a Twitter account. I'll do my best to update it whenever I write something new, so be sure to follow me if you like my stories. :) I tend to write things out of order a lot (I've written some of the ending to Purple Roadmonkeys already), so even if I go a long time without updating anything, chances are I've been writing, but I just can't post it yet. This way you'll know I'm not dead! lol

Update 1/30/09: Just got a MyLeaky and I'm loving it! Need some friends, though. Care to help me out? :)

Update 1/15/09: I wrote up some blog entries on my website for Voldemort, Snape, and Bellatrix, and I'm going to try and update them every now and then. If you'd like to read them, you can go here. They're really funny, I promise! :) And if you like them, feel free to leave comments. Thanks!

Update 1/9/09: Noticed the new avatar? Well, I went to the mall with a couple of friends today, and we made Mr. Happysmileyman (Voldemort's horcrux teddy bear from my stories) at Build-a-Bear Workshop! XD Best. Birthday. EVER!!

Update 12/29/08: Added an explanation of how The Annual Death Eater Beach Trip came to be (see The story behind the stories!). I also added a little something about Lord Voldemort and the Purple Roadmonkeys.

Update 12/25/08: Surprise! Although it's not even halfway done yet, I have decided to begin posting the sequel to The Annual Death Eater Beach Trip: Lord Voldemort and the Purple Roadmonkeys! It will have action, adventure, romance, murder...and what the heck, I'll throw in some humor as well. XD Merry Christmas, everyone!

Update 11/22/08: I saw Twilight. OH--MY--FREAKIN--GOSH! I loved it so much! OK, I'll keep this as spoiler free as possible. They did change some stuff from the book, but just little things here and there-- they didn't stray too much at all. I actually liked some of the changes, and all the best parts from the book were in there. Very good mix of action and romance, too. Even my dad liked it. And the casting was just perfect. I whole heartedly approve of this one, and that means a lot considering how critical I am of movies based on books I like. (For the record, Eragon did NOT earn the Professor Cassandra seal of approval!) So, anyways...go see it! Oh, and pay attention-- Stephenie Meyer actually has a short cameo! :)

Update 11/21/08: Well, people, it's November twenty-first. Know what that means? It means I could be wearing an elaborate Death Eater costume and screaming my lungs out in the theater right now (and so could you, unless you're not a costume person), but nope! So I hereby declare this to be the official Hate Warner Brothers Day!! Let's all make sure to send a celebratory Howler their way, OK? And may all your holidays be filled with cheer...just not Harry Potter. Twilight, perhaps. That'll be cool, anyway. Oh, and I added a Harry Potter survey to my profile as a result of severe boredom. I WOULD have posted a movie review, but you know... Stupid WB...

Random facts about me!

Favorite books:
The Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling (especially Deathly Hallows); The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold; the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer; the Inheritance series by Christopher Paolini (haven't read Brisingr yet but I plan on it!); the Dragons in Our Midst, Oracles of Fire, and Beyond the Reflection's Edge series by Bryan Davis; The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain; The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls; and Misery by Stephen King. I love fantasy especially, but I'll read anything. If you know any good books, I'd love to hear about them!!

Favorite movies: All Harry Potters (especially Half-Blood Prince!), An Inconvenient Truth, Raising Helen, Chronicles of Narnia, Pirates of the Caribbean, Eragon (although the book is better), Elf, Holes, Finding Nemo, A Christmas Story, Secondhand Lions, The Jerk, Animal House, Juno, Waitress, Sweeney Todd, Get Smart, Monty Python And The Holy Grail, and Twilight!

Favorite video games: The Legend of Zelda series (especially Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask, and Twilight Princess), Mario series (especially Super Mario World), the Pokemon series, Mysims Kingdom, Mario Kart Wii, and the Animal Crossing games (especially City Folk!).

Favorite TV shows: The Simpsons, Family Guy, American Idol (yeah, it's fake and overhyped, but you have to admit it's fun to watch!), My Name is Earl, Monk (it makes me LOL out loud!), Everybody Loves Raymond, The Soup, and everything on the Disney Channel (hahaha! NOT!). And I know it's not a TV show, but I have to mention Potter Puppet Pals! XD

Favorite HP characters to write (and read) about: Bellatrix, Wormtail, Snape, the Malfoys, and Voldypoo of course! I'm debating who is the awesomest baddie: Bellatrix, Snape, or Draco. Hmm...

Favorite music: LOOOOVVVVEEEEE alternative rock, but I can tolerate anything but rap and the most "redneck" forms of country. My favorite bands include Paramore (awesomest band in the history of the UNIVERSE!), Muse (equally awesome!), Panic at the Disco, and Linkin Park. For more, you can check out my account at!

I believe in: God, freedom, peace, love, equality, preservation of the environment, and SPORKS! (it's a spoon...and a fork! How awesome is that?) I also believe that Spam is EVIL in a can.

I think Wal-Mart is... a sinister organization bent on world destruction...and low prices. One does not simply walk into Wal-Mart. There is an evil there that does not sleep.

Why unlike most teens, I don't watch the Disney Channel: I used to like the Disney Channel, back in the good ol' days. Now it gets waaaaay more hype than it deserves. I mean really, I can't even buy magazines anymore because either Hannah Montana or the Jonas Brothers are sure to be on every page. And on top of that, the stars' singing and acting is mediocre at best, most of the characters in the shows and movies are two-dimensional stereotypes, and the plot lines are just getting cheesier and cheesier. Want to see for yourself? Try watching five minutes of Camp Rock. Oooo-kaaay, rant over...

Where you can find me online... -- Follow me on Twitter and I'll let you know whenever I write something new. I might want to follow you, too. :)

Twitter Role-Play -- I have two accounts on which I take part in Harry Potter role-playing: @CassieRavenclaw and @DrkLrdVolders (Cassie is a teen Ravenclaw / Death Eater and Volders is a "spoof" Voldy not unlike the one in my fanfics).'s a social networking site just for Harry Potter fans! A great way to meet new people, and it beats Mugglespace by a long shot! xD's so much fun. I have two accounts: professor_cassandra and sweet_as_sugar93. love music. Check out my playlists here. first posted The Dark Mart here, and some of my other stuff is there as well, but I haven't updated it in awhile. I just mostly post stuff here now.

And finally, website. I've got character blogs, a photo/comic gallery, and much more!

Random stuff that bugs the crap out of me...

1. Those full page ads that pop up when I'm trying to read a fanfic.

2. Chain letters. (I don't care if I'm going to die at 12 a.m., I am NOT passing your stupid message along!)

3. Judgmental and closed-minded people.

4. Miley Cyrus or Hannah Montana or whoever the heck she is.

5. The Jonas Brothers.

6. Britney Spears.

7. My slow internet connection...and don't get me started on the download limits. @_@

and finally...

8. ch@ spk! tlk 2 me lyk dis...and I will totally put you in one of my fanfics and kill you off.

And now...a word of advice from the Dark Lord Voldemort!

Greetings. I am the Dark Lord Voldemort.

Me: They know that, Volders! Get to the advice!

Alright, alright! Geez...sassy teenagers and their sassy...teenager-like...stuff... OK, here's my advice, and I do implore you to listen. If you are capable of performing nonverbal spells, never pick your nose with your wand while thinking of how cool it would be to make something explode. Trust me on this one.

Me: Sigh... Thank you!

Meet my original characters!

Lindsey and Monica

Lindsey and Monica are a couple of over hyped teenage girls that Voldemort meets in The Dark Mart. They are both blond and enjoy cheerleading, boys (Lindsey likes the sexy noseless ones!), romantic movies and teen novels, giggling hysterically, and SHOPPING! They are named after two girls my friend Lori and I have been mistaken for. No idea who they are, but apparently I'm Lindsey and she's Monica. Okey dokey then...

Ivana D. Vorce

Ivana is a very esteemed marriage councilor in London, and judging by her prices, she is fully aware of that. In fact, she's the only therapist qualified for Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange, the most dysfunctional couple in the history of the wizarding world. However, even she can hardly control them when they fight, often being forced to take refuge under her desk to avoid being hit by one of their spells. Her hair is a very light blond, stylishly cut and often worn up in a bun. She is very youthful and fit, and always dresses nicely to show off her figure. Rectangular frames accentuate her intelligence, and she is rarely seen in flat shoes. The only time she doesn't look her best is, of course, right after a session with the Lestranges.

Earl and Luann

Earl and his wife Luann are hillbillies who Voldemort meets in The Annual Death Eater Beach Trip. Earl likes to wear trucker caps and overalls, while Luann can often be found wearing Daisy Dukes and frilly pink things, heavy makeup on her face, and her blond hair in a large beehive 'do. They live in a beat-up old shack in the middle of nowhere with their countless family members, including their twenty-one kids: Bessie, Elsie, Billy Bob, Bob Billy, Jethro, Ellie Mae, Cletus, Brandine, Bucky, Sue, Clarence, Mariann, Bubba, Rufus, Walker, Texas Ranger, Bobby Joe, Joe Bobby, Gerald, Moe, and Gerald Moe. Now Earl and Luann are not what you'd call 'classy', and at first glance you'd probably want to avoid them like the plague. But they're actually very kind hearted and hospitable people, although more than a bit annoying. Earl has a very adventurous spirit, which quite often causes serious injury for a certain noseless individual. However, he's always there to help after said injuries occur. Luann's favorite hobby is cooking, and her favorite dish is possum casserole. She also loves to make friends and take them bargain hunting with her.


Wormtail's girlfriend, whom he met at the beach in The Annual Death Eater Beach Trip. She is half giant, half troll, and all she ever wants to do is eat. She is also incredibly ugly, sporting a unibrow, buck teeth, a humongous nose, seventeen chins, and a vacant expression permanently etched on her face. Even someone like Wormtail could do better than her, but apparently he doesn't think so...

Mr. Happysmileyman

Very few know that Harry's scar is actually Voldemort's eighth horcrux -- Mr. Happysmileyman, the Dark Lord's favorite teddy bear, is his seventh. Mr. Happysmileyman appears just to be an average teddy bear, with light blue fuzz covering his tiny plush body and a smile sewn onto his face. But Mr. H received more than just a fragment of Voldemort's soul when he was made a horcrux -- he also became quite evil. When no one is looking, his smile disappears and he begins to plot Voldemort's doom (and Rodolphus Lestrange's as well, for he is in love with Bellatrix). When he finally conquers the universe, he plans to change his name to Lord Evilfrownyman.

A Harry Potter survey I made! (You can take it yourself and put it on your profile, or skip it if you'd like.)

Question 1:What is your favorite Harry Potter book and why? Least favorite?

My favorite is The Deathly Hallows, because the plot moves along very fast and every chapter was amazing! My least favorite is The Sorcerer's Stone, even though I like it a lot. I think the books get better as they go along.

Question 2:What is your favorite Harry Potter movie and why? Least favorite?

My favorite is Half-Blood Prince because they stayed very close to the book, and it was just altogether an awesome movie. Snape's ever brilliant sarcastic comments, Bellatrix causing random destruction left and right, and LOTS and LOTS of Draco...what more could you ask for? XD My least favorite, again, is The Sorcerer's Stone because I also think the movies get better as they go along.

Question 3:Who is your favorite character?

If we're talking humor fanfiction, then VOLDYPOO! Canon, on the other hand...Draco, perhaps? When he's older, I mean...and hotter. swoon!

Question 4:What is your favorite spell?


Question 5:Who is your favorite teacher at Hogwarts?

Snape. I love his sarcasm.

Question 6:Who is your favorite Death Eater (Voldemort included)?

Snape, Bellatrix, and Draco. DON'T MAKE ME CHOOSE, DANG IT!

Question 7:Who is your favorite Hogwarts Student?

Draco... le sigh

Question 8:What house would you want to be in? Which house do you think you would be sorted into?

OK, so my mom's side of the family is made up mainly of Gryffindors and Slytherins, and my dad's side is mostly Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs (lol I love sorting people!). As for me, I'm a Ravenpuff! But if I had to choose, I'd definitely say Ravenclaw. Why? Because Ravenclaw is awesome, of course!!

Question 9:Would you join the Order or the Death Eaters?

Canon-- the Order. Fanfiction-- I RULE the Death Eaters! XD

Question 10:If you could choose any character to be your boyfriend/girlfriend, who would it be?

Draco, if you couldn't guess that already. Or possibly Cedric or Neville...

Question 11:Who would be your best friend?

I would hang out with Luna, Ginny, and the trio I guess.

Question 12:Warner Brothers postponed the release date of the Half-Blood Prince movie to July of 2009. What are your thoughts on this?

I think it was extremely selfish. I mean, if they postponed it because it needed more work that would be fine. But they only did it for the money! It's like they don't even care about the fans!

Question 13:What is your favorite magical creature?

The mermaid and the phoenix.

Question 14:What is your favorite class at Hogwarts?

All of them.

Question 15:Would you like to throw Dolores Umbridge into a boiling vat of acid?


Question 16:What character would you dress up as for Halloween?

I'm gonna go as Bellatrix this year, I think. If I can find a decent costume.

Question 17:How did you get your copy of The Deathly Hallows?

My mom ordered it off of Amazon and it was waiting for me at my Granny's house when I came home from a sleepover.

Question 18:How did you get into Harry Potter?

My mom always has to read any books that cause controversy, so when all those crazy people (many of whom having never even read the books in the first place) started complaining about the HP series, she had to check it out for herself. She ended up loving the books, and got me into them, too.

Question 19:What is one memorable experience you have had involving the series?

When I first got Deathly Hallows, I read nonstop for two days, and I cried really bad toward the end of it. XD

Question 20:Have you ever seen a movie you were not particularly interested in, simply because it had a Harry Potter actor in it?

I've seen a lot of those, and most of them have turned out to be pretty good. I liked Sweeney Todd, Sense and Sensibility, The Ballet Shoes (except for the ending...that sucked), and more I can't remember. I wasn't so fond of The Fifth Element, though. Sci-Fi just isn't my thing.

Question 21:Would you go to Hogwarts, Durmstrang, or Beaubatons?


Question 22:What was your favorite Triwizard task?

The lake.

Question 23:Before you read The Deathly Hallows, what was your opinion of Snape?

I trusted him. There were plenty of clues.

Question 24:Do you read or write fanfiction?

Well DUH!

Question 25:Which spell do you wish you could use in real life?

All of them. XD

Question 26:What position would you play in Quidditch?

Seeker or chaser.

Question 27:What was your favorite moment in any of the books?

The Battle of Hogwarts. I was flipping pages like crazy.

Question 28:What event in the series did you wish had happened differently?

I wish Tonks and Lupin hadn't died. :( Also, I think it would have been a lot more meaningful if Percy had sacrificed himself to save Fred's life. That would have really proved him redeemed, you know? (Besides, I liked Fred...)

Question 29:Would you join the DA?


Question 30:Do you think Voldemort has EVER had a girlfriend?

The dude doesn't even have a nose! Would YOU date him?

Question 31:What name from the series would you be willing to change your own name to?

A bunch! Ariana, Minerva, Luna... I m sure there's more. XD

Question 32:What type of wand would you have?

Hazel wood, with a dragon heartstring core.

Question 33:What would your pet be?

An owl or a phoenix.

Question 34:If you could belong to any family in the series, which would it be?

The Weasleys!

Question 35:Which Hallow would you most like to have?

The cloak.

Question 36:What is your favorite horcrux?

Ravenclaw's diadem.

Question 37:Ever seen Potter Puppet Pals?

Snape. Snape. Severus Snape. DUMBLEDORE! (That would be a YES!)

Question 38:What would your patronus be?

Probably a raven or an eagle. Some kind of bird.

Question 39:What would be your animagus form?

Maybe some kind of bird. I'd like to fly.

Question 40:Who is your favorite Marauder?

Sirius (my mom's boyfriend!) XD

Question 41:If you went to Diagon Alley, where would you go first?


Question 42:Favorite member of the Black family?

Canon-- Walburga (she's hilarious). Humor fanfiction--Bellatrix (also hilarious!).

Question 43:Favorite member of the Weasley family?


Question 44:Who should have won the Triwizard Cup?, I mean Cedric. ;)

Question 45:Who is your favorite actor in the films?

OK, they're all awesome, but TOM FELTON ALL THE WAY!!

Question 46:(insert actor here) should totally play (insert character here).

Johnny Depp should totally play Xenophilius Lovegood. (I think they got someone else to play him, though. Too bad.)

Question 47:What would you wear to the Yule Ball?

Something really pretty and unique. Most likely Ravenclaw blue, possibly red or black.

Question 48:How many times have you read the series?

All the way through, only once or twice. But I've read the sixth and seventh books about three or four times each.

Question 49:Who is your favorite couple?

Voldemort/Bellatrix. It's always good for a laugh. lol

Question 50:Did you like this survey?

Well, seeing as I MADE it... ;)

You know you're Sweeney Todd Obssessed When:

Not only do you own the DVD and the soundtrack - you know the lyrics off by heart.

You re-enact Helena's Worst Pies in London in your own kitchen.

You suddenly start singing "A Little Priest" while chopping the vegetables for dinner.

You think they should play "The Ballad of Sweeney Todd" at your cousin's wedding, instead of "Here Comes the Bride"

You choke up whenever you read/hear/are introduced to someone named either: Sweeney/Benjamin/Lucy/Nellie/Lovett/Barker/Turpin/Toby/Todd

You like to do the following past-times:

Sipping coffee


Blowing out your candle while combing out your hair




Whenever you get into a discussion about movies with your friends, you're out to convince them Sweeney Todd is the BEST movie ever made. Even if they look at you like this O_O.

You can't walk past a barber shop anymore without thinking of Sweeney Todd.

You can't think of PIES, FLOUR or ROLLING PINS anymore without thinking of Mrs Lovett.

When you're in the supermarket, you deliberately go searching in the frozen food section for meat pies. The little ones, mind.

Everytime you walk down to the sea, you start to hum/think of By the Sea. Believe me, it's hard. I live two hundred metres from the ocean lol.

You've written your own Sweeney fic.

Whenever a problem comes up or you get into a fight with someone, you immediately think: what would Helena/Mrs Lovett do?

You've tried doing your hair Mrs Lovett's style-messy...and worn it outside.

You want to name one of your kids after one of the Sweeney Todd characters. Well, if it's good enough for Helena, you think!

You've cosplayed/dressed up as one of the characters from Sweeney Todd.

You've not only bought/made the following articles Helena wears in the movie: her black lace gloves, ribboned boots, black corset,

red and white by the sea bustle dress...

Give yourself a gold star if you wear the said articles OUTSIDE. In public. How's THAT for devoted? Or just plain nutty...

You catch yourself thinking/talking like Mrs Lovett. Wot, wot was that, love? Me ears isn't wot they once wos. Now, where's that flamin' Mr T gone to?

The story behind the stories!

I had always been a fan of the Harry Potter movies, but it wasn't until the spring of last year that I became an addict, or Potterhead, I guess you could call me. I had heard that the fifth movie was coming out in the summer, so I thought I'd read the book first. My mom loved the books, so we already owned every book of the series that was out then. Of course I loved the book and I couldn't put it down. The movie was very good, in my opinion, as well, even though it certainly could have been better. But when I really became addicted was when book 7 came out. I was so excited for its release, and I'm sure I'll remember it very clearly for a long time. My family was getting together at my granny's house one day, and I had been at a sleepover the previous night. When I arrived at my granny's house, it was waiting for me there on the counter, and I was literally jumping up and down with excitement. I finished the book in two days--it was amazing!

So, anyway, even after the series ended I was still hooked. I read and reread all seven books, absorbing every little detail. I also checked HP news sites at least once a day. Then one day I was browsing and I stumbled across the fan fiction section. Ah, destiny! choir music plays ...Ahem, but I digress...

Being a fan of comedies, the first fan fiction I chose to read was The Dark Lord's Blog by Schmerg_The_Impaler (GENIUS!). I thought it was absolutely hilarious and immediately began to seek out more comedies about Voldemort. After having read quite a few I began to develop a few ideas of my own, and one day I thought, "Eh, why not?" And so I began writing, finishing the first draft of my first story, The Dark Mart, in one day.

It was originally intended to be just for friends and family, because I was afraid of rejection at the time. But everyone was very encouraging, and pushed me to post my story online. So I looked up all sorts of different websites and decided to submit it to After many paranoid revisions, spell checks, and proofreads, I shakily clicked the "submit" button and waited eight excruciating days for a reply. I got one, and lo and behold...I was a fan fiction author!

Then the question was...what to do next? I had many ideas (and still do, as a matter of fact), but few of them were really good enough to form a long, enjoyable story. Others probably were good enough, but I had no idea what I wanted to do with them! Then one day I was curling my hair, and it came to me unexpectedly (inspiration usually does, in my case).

It was the idea of the Dark Lord visiting a wig store, which you may know better as Tresses of Terror. It was extremely short, and not the best thing I'd ever come up with, but I thought it was worth submitting. I mean, everyone I showed it to seemed to love it. And it turned out much better than I had thought. I'm definitely glad I submitted it.

But I still had more ideas, and I knew exactly what I would do next. In The Dark Mart I had made a quick joke involving the dysfunctional (and the understatement of the year award goes to...) marriage of Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange. Many people loved this joke, and it was one of my favorites as well, so I had been thinking of new, funny ways to explore their relationship further. I thought of marriage counseling, and just the idea got me laughing. So Till Avada Kedavra Do Us Part was born, along with my own original character, Dr. Ivana D. Vorce!

My newest one-shot, A Day In the Life of Lord Voldemort, just came to me randomly one day (kind of like Tresses of Terror did) and I couldn't resist writing it down. I only wrote most of it at that time, but after much nagging (thanks, everyone!) I finally got around to finishing it.

The Annual Death Eater Beach, where do I start on this one? It was originally meant for my friends and family only; I wrote the first few chapters just for something to do over the summer break of '08, and they were basically crap. But then the story just kept progressing further, and my friend Lori wouldn't shut up about posting it, so I made a deal: I would finish the story and do a lot of editing; THEN I would post it. So, anyway, I kept writing, enjoying every minute of it, and before I knew it I had written nineteen chapters (although after merging some chapters and adding a new one, the finished product had eighteen). It didn't take me long to become enthusiastic about posting it, either; I kind of upped my game a bit after I made the deal, knowing the story would actually see the light of day. As for inspiration, it would come at the most random, nonsensical moments (and I could only hope there was a computer or notebook nearby when it did), but not all the time. I've got to give credit to my ex-boyfriend here, because although that't turn out so well, he did give me a lot of inspiration over the summer, so for that I'm grateful. Really.

So far that's all I've posted, but if you'd like to read more, my friend, whose penname is Allusioned Thoughts, has written a sequel to Till Avada Kedavra Do Us Part! It's called Therapy Buddies, and I completely approve of it, 100 percent, so don't go accusing her of stealing or anything. XD

To my surprise, I received nothing but praise from the reviewers at People really liked my stories- I still can't believe it! It makes me feel awesome every time I get another good review. That's mostly why I decided to post my stories here, on, and I'm so glad I did!

I've received tremendous support for my writing, but perhaps the best support has been from two people in particular. The first is my dad, who helped me proofread and acted as my "humor consultant". The second is my best friend, Allusioned Thoughts. She's helped me come up with countless ideas. A lot of times when we hang out at my house, we get bored. So we drive around on the golf cart and talk about Voldemort, resulting in quite a few laughs and quite a few jokes, some of which have made it into my stories. And if you like Twilight, you should definitely check out her page. She's written two Twilight fics, both incredibly well-written and original. Just click the link under my favorite authors list.

In the future...dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuuun...

Right now I'm working on a sequel to The Annual Death Eater Beach Trip, entitled Lord Voldemort and the Purple Roadmonkeys! In case you're wondering (or questioning my sanity), the Purple Roadmonkeys is the name of the Death Eaters' biker gang, and the story centers around a cross-country motorcycle trip. I don't want to give too much away just yet, but I can tell you that, ironically, I got the original idea while on one of my family's annual beach trips. We passed a biker gang on the way there, and I was like, "Holy crap...A BIKER GANG!!" So...yeah. lol

This is a list of ideas for stories I might write in the future. If you really like one idea in particular, message me and maybe I'll decide to write it sooner than expected! Here they are:

1.Voldemort has a slumber party

2.Voldemort goes green

3.Voldemort takes driving lessons

4.Voldemort tries to recruit the youth

5.Death Eater recruitment video

6.Voldemort becomes addicted to superhero movies (nananananananana dark lord!)

7.Umbridge joins the Death Eaters

8.Hair tips with Snape and Lucius

9.Bellatrix becomes addicted to the Twilight series

10.Bellatrix becomes addicted to COFFEE

I'm sure there's more to come, and I'll also be changing my profile poll about once a week, so keep checking back. Thanks so much to everyone who has read my stories, and especially to those who have helped!

Voldemort! What did I say about the moisturizer??

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Voldemort Gets A Cold by BlackxRose19 reviews
Poor Lord Voldemort has fallen to the common Muggle cold. Now, it's up to his two most loyal, devoted Death Eaters to make him's not going to be as easy as it sounds. Work in Progress. R&R!
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 7 - Words: 18,102 - Reviews: 161 - Favs: 66 - Follows: 67 - Updated: 7/25/2011 - Published: 10/2/2007 - Lucius M., Bellatrix L.
A Battle of Wills, And Other Things by TheSolitaryNoodle reviews
Bellatrix Lestrange, Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy are competing to see who can become Lord Voldemort's Most Faithful Servant. Appearances from Draco, Voldy, Narcissa, Wormtail, Rodolphus and other random Death Eaters. Humor. During DH, so spoilers ther
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 8 - Words: 23,933 - Reviews: 129 - Favs: 67 - Follows: 52 - Updated: 12/5/2009 - Published: 5/11/2008 - Bellatrix L., Severus S.
A Very Voldy Thanksgiving by Skandar-Loves-Redvines reviews
The Death Eaters celebrate Thanksgiving in their own... unique... way... ::Companion To Professor Cassandra's Stories. You May Want To Read Those First::
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Fantasy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,204 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 18 - Follows: 5 - Published: 11/26/2009 - Voldemort, OC - Complete
He Who Must Not Be Poked and the Dream Eaters by electo1996 reviews
No plot? Badly written scenes? Constant spelling mistakes? You probably won't find these in this story depending on the reliability of Microsoft Spell Checker! Voldemort and his Death Eaters are known to be an unfunny bunch of villains. But what if I told you, that they weren't?
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 27 - Words: 52,215 - Reviews: 104 - Favs: 33 - Follows: 14 - Updated: 9/13/2009 - Published: 6/11/2009 - Voldemort, Severus S.
Airborne by Allusioned Thoughts reviews
Daniel Stratton, a lonely artistic boy, moves to Forks only to discover that he belongs to an ancient and powerful tradition. Follow Daniel's story as he finds a pack, an imprint, and so much more. OCxOC. In canon. UPDATED!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Supernatural - Chapters: 7 - Words: 12,050 - Reviews: 14 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 7 - Updated: 8/21/2009 - Published: 11/20/2008 - Seth
Harry Potter Hates Clowns by quicksilver009 reviews
Voldemort sends an evil clown to get Harry in his sleep. Warning: May cause nightmares! :ooooo
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,477 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 1 - Published: 6/15/2009 - Harry P., Voldemort
The Adventures of Trolley lady by Dr. Sheep reviews
A comedy one-shot, we follow the hilarious misadventures of everyone's favourite old lady as she makes her bi-annual trip to Hogwarts.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,965 - Reviews: 16 - Favs: 18 - Follows: 4 - Published: 5/20/2009 - OC, Voldemort - Complete
The Shadow Proves The Sunshine by Pamena reviews
After a misunderstanding, Mrs. Lovett finds herself in Bedlam. It’s up to Mr. Todd and Toby to rescue her before she really does lose her mind.
Sweeney Todd - Rated: T - English - Drama - Chapters: 11 - Words: 77,611 - Reviews: 281 - Favs: 196 - Follows: 54 - Updated: 4/4/2009 - Published: 11/14/2008 - Sweeney T., Eleanor L. - Complete
Training Under Butch Law by JulyPie reviews
One-shot. After a violent incedent with a muggle, Voldemort decides to get him and his Death Eaters in shape. So he hires a trainer named Butch that just may be able to strike fear in the Dark Lord himself. Butch Law has been declared...
Harry Potter - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,744 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 2 - Published: 3/24/2009 - Voldemort - Complete
The Misadventures of a Dark Lord and his Minions by GinnyWazlibRocks reviews
Malfoy Manor is never free of the incidents caused by it's occupants and a combination of questionable plots and an ample supply of highly flammable objects. There's nothing Voldy can't do - or at least attempt to do, which is pretty much the same thing.O
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 3 - Words: 2,883 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 3/23/2009 - Published: 3/20/2009 - Voldemort, Severus S.
How To Be Evil By L Voldemort by SugaredPoison reviews
How many times have I had people ask me, 'Oh, Voldy, can you teach me to be evil, just like you' Let me put it this way: More times than I have the patience to count." A hilarious one-shot that will leave you rolling with laughter and begging for more!
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,033 - Reviews: 15 - Favs: 17 - Follows: 1 - Published: 3/16/2009 - Voldemort - Complete
Voldemort's Second Chance by nebthims reviews
After being soundly defeated at The Battle of Hogwarts, Lord Voldemort is given a second chance at life. However, is everything as it appears? DH spoilers. AU.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 11 - Words: 28,614 - Reviews: 41 - Favs: 24 - Follows: 28 - Updated: 3/13/2009 - Published: 5/6/2008 - Voldemort, OC
Interview with the Voldemort by Zelda Zonks reviews
With the release of his new single, 'Voldemania', everyone's favourite Dark Lord is interviewed by Smash Wiz Hits Magazine. Lots of silliness...
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,732 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 7 - Published: 3/6/2009 - Voldemort - Complete
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Parody of Fleet Street by Concepteur-Redacteur reviews
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls! Sweeney Todd fans of all ages! Prepare to embark on a song-filled, bloody, and side-splittingly hilarious satire of the movie world's favorite slasher musical! PART 7 FINALLY UP! FINALLY!
Sweeney Todd - Rated: T - English - Parody/Angst - Chapters: 7 - Words: 10,577 - Reviews: 106 - Favs: 40 - Follows: 38 - Updated: 2/26/2009 - Published: 1/26/2008
The Vexing Of Voldemort by phantomduck reviews
The life of a super villain is not as straight forward as it seems... Series of One-Shots
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 8,451 - Reviews: 29 - Favs: 19 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 1/30/2009 - Published: 11/3/2008 - Voldemort - Complete
Bad Hair Day by Maths Is Immortal reviews
Few people know Lord Voldemort’s secrets. Only his most trusted followers are told that he’s half-blood, that he’s experimented with ways to obtain immortality, and that he’s actually bald by choice…
Harry Potter - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 755 - Reviews: 16 - Favs: 10 - Follows: 1 - Published: 12/29/2008 - Voldemort, Albus D. - Complete
War Of The Wimps by ronXbouillabase reviews
Oneshot. Comedy. AU. Ignores Book 7....In which Harry is slightly gay and probably smoking something, Voldemort is a complete idiot, and Bellatrix confesses her true feelings. Ooh, and don't forget the Ed Westwick references.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,117 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 7 - Published: 12/4/2008 - Harry P., Voldemort - Complete
Welcome To VoldeMart! How May We Help You? by HappySmilesVarietyHour reviews
Voldemort has a new plan to take over the Wizarding World, but this one is different than all the others. This one starts at Walmart.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 3 - Words: 7,436 - Reviews: 14 - Favs: 12 - Follows: 14 - Updated: 11/19/2008 - Published: 3/15/2008 - Voldemort
Halloween at Malfoy Manner by GinnyWazlibRocks reviews
Look, I know the title is kind of lame. Sorry. But anyways... Voldy doesn't seem to know a thing about Halloween, but who would ever trust a man when there's free candy involved? Twoshot. Character developments from my other fics. Strange/
Harry Potter - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,870 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 10/31/2008 - Published: 10/30/2008 - Voldemort - Complete
Blarg by KellySquared reviews
In which Voldemort can't die, no matter what happens to him. The most random and stupid Harry Potter fic you will ever read. Contains references to many other things we like. Guaranteed to cause massive loss of brain cells, or your money back!
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 19 - Words: 13,811 - Reviews: 36 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 10/23/2008 - Published: 7/2/2006 - Voldemort
Passing Strange by Pamena reviews
Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovett got it wrong the first time. But the Fates have stepped in and given them a second chance. A love story that spans over a century. R&R
Sweeney Todd - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 22 - Words: 125,642 - Reviews: 958 - Favs: 442 - Follows: 124 - Updated: 10/15/2008 - Published: 4/30/2008 - Complete
Truth or Dare by Voldemort-Lover-4-Ever reviews
Voldemort plays a game of truth or dare with his death eaters. Voldemort/Bellatrix
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,706 - Reviews: 75 - Favs: 71 - Follows: 72 - Updated: 10/5/2008 - Published: 10/4/2008 - Bellatrix L., Voldemort
Therapy Buddies by Allusioned Thoughts reviews
A sequel to Professor Cassandra's "Til Avada Kedavra Do Us Part". After the Lestranges visit Dr. Ivana D. Vorce, Voldemort and Wormtail decide to drop in! My first HP fanfic, but my funniest fanfic! Written with permission from Professor Cassandra.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,586 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 1 - Published: 9/28/2008 - Voldemort, Peter P. - Complete
Vote for Voldy! by GinnyWazlibRocks reviews
Out of context, our favorite and only Dark Lord is making an ambitions bid... to become President of the United States! Unfortunetly, our favorite and only Boy Who Lived isn't going to let Voldy into the Oval Office without a fight... The race is on!
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 4,335 - Reviews: 26 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 10 - Updated: 9/12/2008 - Published: 8/17/2008 - Voldemort
IMing with the Cullens by Edward's Lover 6 reviews
It's Edwards birthday and Alice and Bella plan a surprise b-day party for him. Will he find out? Story told through IM and possibly a regular story later on due to some requests...And I just changed the rating due to some "hidden meaning" stuff.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 6 - Words: 3,630 - Reviews: 45 - Favs: 11 - Follows: 17 - Updated: 8/23/2008 - Published: 6/18/2008
Surveys by Royal Typewriter reviews
Exactly that--Sweeney Todd characters fill out those Myspace surveys. Just for fun, you know? New Lucy chapter!
Sweeney Todd - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 8 - Words: 11,095 - Reviews: 126 - Favs: 54 - Follows: 35 - Updated: 8/13/2008 - Published: 7/14/2008
Delusional by Allusioned Thoughts reviews
Alex isn't your average fangirl. She scowls at screaming Edward-lovers. Yet somehow she finds herself at a Twilight convention in Forks. What happens when she meets a beautiful boy named Ellis? Is he a vampire?And does she love him? Heart-pounding ending!
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 6,845 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 1 - Published: 8/6/2008 - Complete
The Dark Lord's Blog by Schmerg The Impaler reviews
It's Lord Voldemort's blog, complete with comments from his most loyal Death Eaters. Voldy dispenses advice on everything from germ prevention to murder methods to shoes to Power Rangers... but is he posting too much personal info online?
Harry Potter - Rated: K - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 4 - Words: 11,317 - Reviews: 101 - Favs: 114 - Follows: 55 - Updated: 7/18/2008 - Published: 4/23/2007 - Voldemort
Groceries by TheSpiritOfHogwarts reviews
This is the tale of Snape's traumatic trip to the grocery store. Well, it wouldn't have been traumatic if he'd left Voldemort, Lucius, and Bellatrix behind!
Harry Potter - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,759 - Reviews: 16 - Favs: 18 - Follows: 3 - Published: 6/27/2008 - Severus S., Voldemort - Complete
iVoldy by GinnyWazlibRocks reviews
What will happen when Voldemort goes 21st century? The good, the bad, and the explosive of an upgraded wizarding world to iPods, computers, and video games. No ships, so far. Rated for mild language... Epilogue up!
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 17 - Words: 17,889 - Reviews: 112 - Favs: 37 - Follows: 16 - Updated: 1/26/2008 - Published: 12/30/2007 - Voldemort - Complete
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Judge Turpin Discovers Internet Porn reviews
You read the title, my friends. I assure you, this is every bit as insane as it sounds. Proceed at the risk of your own precious sanity.... Actually, you know what? Sanity is overrated. Just read it. You know you want to....
Sweeney Todd - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,794 - Reviews: 28 - Favs: 24 - Follows: 3 - Published: 3/28/2010 - Judge Turpin, Beadle B.
The 12 Days of Voldemas reviews
In order to help celebrate his total awesomeness, The Dark Lord has composed twelve Christmas carols to make you pathetic Muggles sing as you praise his glory. Muahahaha and Happy Voldemas!
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 12 - Words: 3,847 - Reviews: 139 - Favs: 78 - Follows: 36 - Updated: 12/25/2009 - Published: 12/14/2009 - Voldemort, Bellatrix L.
Princess Sweeney and the Amazing Rick Man reviews
No one throws a Halloween party quite like the Death Eaters, as you, dear readers, will soon discover. Whether you will find yourself amused by their drunken antics or scarred for life is beyond this author. Hopefully a little of each. Happy Halloween!
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,621 - Reviews: 35 - Favs: 43 - Follows: 4 - Published: 11/2/2009 - Voldemort, Bellatrix L.
Stalking You reviews
A parody of the song "Calling You" by Blue October, as sung by Bellatrix Lestrange to the love of her life, Lord Voldemort...who she stalks. Go Bella!
Harry Potter - Rated: K - English - Humor/Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 347 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 6 - Published: 8/31/2009 - Bellatrix L., Voldemort - Complete
I Belong With Me reviews
A love song from Voldemort to...well, himself. A parody of "You Belong With Me" by Taylor Swift.
Harry Potter - Rated: K - English - Humor/Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 446 - Reviews: 28 - Favs: 25 - Follows: 1 - Published: 8/24/2009 - Voldemort, Bellatrix L.
Lord Voldemort and the Purple Roadmonkeys reviews
Maintaining a dark and evil reputation is undoubtedly stressful, so once per year the Dark Lord and his followers take a much needed holiday. This year he has decided to form a biker gang most deadly, and only one name will suffice: The Purple Roadmonkeys
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 13 - Words: 27,977 - Reviews: 207 - Favs: 58 - Follows: 38 - Updated: 8/14/2009 - Published: 12/25/2008 - Voldemort, Bellatrix L.
The Insane Adventures of Wormtail and Babymort reviews
A series of one-shots about Wormtail and the Dark Lord, still in his grotesque baby form. Turns out they had some pretty insane adventures before that fateful night in the graveyard! OOC, really.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,137 - Reviews: 30 - Favs: 21 - Follows: 15 - Updated: 6/9/2009 - Published: 5/11/2009 - Voldemort, Peter P.
Valentine's Day at Malfoy Manor reviews
What happens when Bellatrix Lestrange gives a powerful love potion to the Dark Lord Voldemort? Hilarity, that's what!
Harry Potter - Rated: K - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,090 - Reviews: 32 - Favs: 41 - Follows: 5 - Published: 2/14/2009 - Voldemort, Bellatrix L. - Complete
The Annual Death Eater Beach Trip reviews
You probably think of Voldemort and his Death Eaters as terrible, heartless people, and you are normally correct. But for one week every year, they are able to escape the stress of the wizarding world by going on vacation…the muggle way!
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 19 - Words: 24,698 - Reviews: 260 - Favs: 99 - Follows: 37 - Updated: 12/14/2008 - Published: 9/13/2008 - Voldemort, Bellatrix L. - Complete
A Day In the Life of Lord Voldemort reviews
We've seen the Dark Lord at his worst. We have seen the true horrors he is capable of. But do we really know all of his true characteristics? Read on as I chronicle a day in the life of Lord Voldemort, but be warned...what you find may shock you.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,916 - Reviews: 27 - Favs: 30 - Follows: 2 - Published: 10/7/2008 - Voldemort, Bellatrix L. - Complete
Till Avada Kedavra Do Us Part reviews
Ivana D. Vorce, the most esteemed marriage counselor in London, is about to receive a visit from the wizarding world's most dysfunctional couple: Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange. What could go wrong?
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,388 - Reviews: 39 - Favs: 50 - Follows: 6 - Published: 7/16/2008 - Bellatrix L., Rodolphus L. - Complete
Tresses of Terror reviews
When the Dark Lord comes to the startling revelation that he is bald, he ventures out on an epic quest to locate the perfect hairpiece to accentuate his malevolence.
Harry Potter - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 866 - Reviews: 15 - Favs: 20 - Follows: 3 - Published: 7/16/2008 - Voldemort - Complete
The Dark Mart reviews
Even Death Eaters need to stock up on the necessities sometimes, and Lord Voldemort must provide. So how does the malevolent Dark Lord handle this daunting task? Why, he goes shopping, of course! This is my first fan fic.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 3 - Words: 3,800 - Reviews: 38 - Favs: 49 - Follows: 5 - Published: 7/11/2008 - Voldemort, Bellatrix L. - Complete