Hello children!

~~~~ My name is Sally...something. I'm not telling you my last name though.

I am a Sydney native, and I've never left the east coast of Australia before (unless you count Wagga)

I'm a teen. And obsessive

Fave books: SIX OF HEARTS SERIES! YAY! :)

Fave author: jack Heath (I totes would stalk Jack Heath if thought it would get me the next book sooner.)

Fave show: NCIS!!!! TIVAAAAAAA all the way!!!!

Fave movie: Fight Club (just broke the first two rules), St. Trinians (all movies, from 1950 til The Legend of the Fritton Treasure), Mr. and Mrs. Smith and a few others that i cbf mentioning.

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My name is Sarah
I am but three,
My eyes are swollen
I cannot see,
I must be stupid
I must be bad,
What else could've made
My daddy so mad?
I wish I were better
I wish I weren't ugly,
Then maybe my mommy
Would still want to hug me.
I can't speak at all
I can't do a wrong
Or else I'm locked up
All the day long
When I'm awake
I'm all alone
The house is dark
My folks aren't home.
When my mommy does come
I'll try and be nice
So maybe I'll get just
One whipping tonight
Be Quiet! Don't make a sound!
I just heard a car
My daddy is back
From Charlie's Bar.
I hear him curse;
My name he calls
I press myself
Against the wall.
I try and hide
From his evil eyes
I'm so afraid now;
I'm starting to cry.
He finds me weeping
He shouts ugly words,
He says its my fault
That he suffers at work.
He slaps me and hits me
And yells at me more,
I finally get free
And I run for the door.
He's already locked it
And I start to bawl,
He takes me and throws me
Against the hard wall.
I fall to the floor
With my bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continues
With more bad words spoken.
"I'm sorry!", I scream.
But its now much too late
His face has been twisted
Into unimaginable hate.
The hurt and the pain
Again and again
Oh please God, have mercy!
Oh please let it end!
And he finally stops
And heads for the door,
While I lay there motionless;
Sprawled on the floor.
My name is Sarah
I am but three,
Tonight my daddy
Murdered me.

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WE ARE THE REAL ESTATION NATION!! WELCOME TO RANDOMANIA, POPULATION: ME!

I was playing softball on the weekend. My friend Simone and I are the youngest on the team, her being 12 (and very short). Everyone else in the league are adults. So Simone goes up to bat, and the 3rd base-woman said

"C'mon team, aren't we smarter than a 5th grader?" I find this funny, as there is an Aussie tv show called 'are you smarter than a 5th grader.'

anyway. Simone hears this and says. "I'm in year 6!"

LOL.

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Kids Are Quick
_

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glen, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLEN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLEN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Gwen, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
GWEN: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' i '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook..

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

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THIS IS MY SONG, INSPIRED BY AND DEDICATED TO DEATHCAS. CHECK OUT HER PROFILE BEFORE YOU READ MY SONG, ELSE IT WON'T MAKE ANY SENSE!!

MY NAME IS SALLY, AND AS YOU CAN SEE

I AM CRAZY, THAT DOESN'T MEAN I SLEEP IN A TREE

I ACTUALLY CAN DANCE, AND SING BETTER THAN YOU

AND I'M PRETTY SURE I KILLED THE TOOTHFAIRY TOO.

MY NAME IS SALLY, AND AS YOU CAN SEE

I DON'T ACT LIKE A BOY, CAUSE I AM ME

IF YOU WANNA HEAR ME JOKE OR PLAY

YOU BETTER GET IN LINE AND BE READY TO PAY!

MY NAME IS SALLY, AND AS YOU SHOULD KNOW

IM MEAN AND AGRO, I DON'T LIKE THE FLOW

IM STILL HERE FOR MY FRIENDS, CAUSE I LIKE TO BE STRONG

THIS AGRONESS OF MINE WILL LAST LONGER THAN LONG

MY NAME IS SALLY, AND AS YOU ALL SHOULD KNOW

IM SORRY TO SAY, ITS THE END OF THE SHOW!!

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30 THINGS TO DO IF YOU'RE GONNA FAIL THAT EXAM ANYWAY...

1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.

7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

8. Be as vulgar as possible during the exam, make sure every sentence has every other word as a swear word or some sexual innuendo for example.

9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)

15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.

20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.

23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.

24. Masturbate.

25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!

27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

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EVERYTHING THAT EVER IS OR WAS STARTED AS A DREAM

By: some random person who I don't know

OH, THE CLEVERNESS OF ME

By: Peter Pan

HOW OPPOSED ARE YOU TO GRAND THEFT AUTO?

By: Alice Cullen

I'M GOING ON A SUICIDAL RESCUE MISSION. WANT TO COME?"

By: Agent Six of Hearts

I'M THE OLDEST, WHICH MEANS I'M RIGHT

By: Dean Winchester

YEAH. I'VE BEEN KNOCKED OUT, ABDUCTED, CLAMPED TO A TABLE, DRAINED OF MY BLOOD, BORED TO DEATH BY THIS ROOM AND BY YOUR RANTING. BUT IT'S SO HARD TO CONCENTRATE ON THAT BECAUSE I'M SO BUSY WISHING I WAS MY BROTHER

By: Kyntak

GIVE ME SOME BOOTS. I WOULD LIKE TO SHAKE THEM

By: Kyntak

In an interview between Jack Heath (THE LAB, REMOTE CONTROL and MONEY RUN~and is my fave author~) and William Kostakis(LOATHING LOLA)

Will: The Lab and Remote Control - both action-packed, adrenaline-pumping rollercoaster rides with strong characters - which do you prefer writing . . . the mindless explosions or the character-building high-browy stuff?

Jack: Ooh, that's a tough one. It's hard to separate the two - the explosions are boring if the characters aren't developed, but even well developed characters are boring if they never explode.

BOOKS ARE LIKE COMMUNISTS-ONCE ONE SNEAKS INTO THE COUNTRY, THEY CAN OPEN UP THE DOOR FOR ANOTHER AND ANOTHER, AND MORE AND MORE UNTIL THEY OWN THE PLACE

By: Jack Heath

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THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR!!

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag,
peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in
there?"

2) STAND silent and motionless in the
corner facing the wall without getting off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt
and strain to yank the doors open, then
act as if you're embarrassed when they
open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake
and ask him or her to call you Admiral/Sergent Deathcas.

5) MEOW occasionally.

6) STARE At another passenger for a
while. Then announce in horror: "You're
one of THEM" - and back away slowly

7) SAY -DING at each floor.

8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And
push all the red buttons.

9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone
presses a button.

10) STARE, grinning at another passenger
for a while, then announce: "I have new
socks on."

11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look
around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

12) TRY to make personal calls on the
emergency phone.

13) DRAW a little square on the floor
with chalk and announce to the other
passengers: "This is my personal space."

14) WHEN there's only one other person
in the elevator, tap them on the
shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they
give you a shock. Smile, and go back for
more.

16) ASK if you can push the button for
other people but push the wrong ones.

17) HOLD the doors open and say you're
waiting for your friend. After a while,
let the doors close and say "Hi Greg,
How's your day been?"

18) DROP a pen and wail until someone
reaches to help pick it up, then scream:
"That's mine!"

19) BRING a camera and take pictures of
everyone in the lift.

20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant
and review emergency procedures and
exits with the Passengers.

21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.

22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

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How to Be Annoying:

Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

Drum on every available surface.

Sing the Batman theme constantly.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 1-800 operators for their home phone number. If they don’t give it to you ask why they are calling YOU at home.

Sew department store anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Set alarms for random times.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "Play School" over climactic parts of rental movies.

Borrow someone’s easer, then when they ask for it back, throw it across the room, making sure it misses them, and shout “You sure cant catch!!”

In the middle of a long car trip, yell out, really loudly, “I need to pee’. To be even more annoying, do it just after you’ve left, or taken a pee break.

When on a long road trip, say “are we there yet’ every five minutes.

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~When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

~Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

~Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

~Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

~Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

~Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

~Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.

~Everything here is eatable. Even I'm eatable, but that is called cannibalism, my dear children, and is frowned upon in most societies.

~I didn't cheat death. I won fair and square.

~One day, a long long time ago, lived a woman who didn't bitch, whine, complain, shout, lie or eat chocolate. But that was only one day, a long long time ago.

~If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

~When in doubt, NUKE IT!

~Forget 000/911, in the case of an emergency you should call Mary-Kate Olsen

~If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?

~Actual Headline: Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

~A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

~I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

~Answering Machine Saying: Sorry I can’t get to the phone right now because my girlfriend and I are doing our favorite thing together. Personally I like doing it up and down, while she likes doing it side-to-side r-e-a-l slow... So I’ll get back to you when we finish brushing our teeth.

~When people talk to God, it's called prayer. When God talks back, it's called schizophrenia.

~There is no such thing as a stupid question, just there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots

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Here is a list of my favorite hobbies:

1) watching NCIS

2) spending time with (hence, annoying) my friends, especially Cas and Heaji

3) googleing TIVA

4) googling NCIS

5) being on fanfiction (here i can annoy people all over the world)

6) re-watching NCIS

7) playing video games

8)re-reading TIVA fanfics

9) obsessing over Seto Kaiba

10) re-re-watching NCIS (re-re-re-re-re-re-watching 'undercovers' and other such awesome TIVA episodes)

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(\_/)
(0.o)

~this is bunny~

copy him into your profile to help him take over the world. Last night I was at my grandparents house, and I tried to recruit the bananas to help me take over the world. We even had matching bandanas. That's right, people. Last night, My bananas and I became the root of all evil-BOY SCOUTS!!

in the wise words of Deathcas:

APPLE APPLE APPLE STAR STAR STAR, COPY AND PASTE THIS RANDOM MESSAGE IN YOUR PROFILE, IF YOU ARE TRUELY RANDOM

YAY, I WILL ADD MORE LATER!!

also this:

Things i have to add to a profile: I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas toghuht slpeling was ipmorantt! tahts so cool! If you could read that put it in your profile (yep, i could read it)

92 percent of the teenage population would die if Orlando Bloom said that it wasn't cool to breathe anymore. put this in your profile if you're part of the 8 percent that would be laughing your carcass off. ( sure orlando rox, but i wouldnt stop breathing, hell no!)

Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list. AnimeKittyCafe, Hyperactivley Bored, Gem W, Bara-Minamino, Yavie Aelinel, Crazy Billie Joe Loving Freak, Shadow929,SweetNCrazieSugarmuffin,The Komodo Dragon Phoenix, Bust_A_Groover, Tecna, Novemberscorpion110388, Pinksakurablossom, Angelgirl18647, Winter Gallowsraven, Echizen Ryoma-san, Zaara the black, Toxic Despair, Deathcas, IstoleALLtheWAFFLES, SPEAKtheWAFFLEanthem

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In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual labels on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because?...)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

On a Korean knife: “Keep out of children” (I should bloody well hope so!)

Boeing 757-"Fragile. Do not drop" (That means you, Hulk! Put that bloody aeroplane down, you might drop it!)

Scoopable cat litter-"safe to use around pets" (Again, I should bloody well hope so!)

Endust duster-"This product is not defined flammable by the consumer products safety commission regulations. However this product can be ignited under certain circumstances" (That's right, who doesn't use their dusters as kindling?)

Baby oil-"Keep out reach of children." (Good thing babies aren't children, isn't it!)

Hair coloring-"Do not use as an ice cream topping." (Yeh. My grandmother died because she thought my hair dye was ice-cream topping and put it in a sundae)

Komatsu Floodlight-"This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark" (OMG!! That's as amazing as a newsreader reading the news!)

Earplugs-"These earplugs are nontoxic, but they may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe." (Are you sure? Lets experiment.)

RCA television remote control-"Not dishwasher safe." (Did someone do this once...?)

Road sign-"Caution: water on road during rain." (No. Shit. Sherlock)

On a package of pasta after the cooking insturctions-"Put on fork and eat." (No! Really? We're supposed to eat food now?!)

On artificial bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits". (So we don't get fake fake bacon. Oh no we get real fake bacon.)

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15 THINGS TO DO AT WALL-MART:

1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.

4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror.

9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

10. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look"

12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"

14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

15.Grab a lot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting "Go, Pikachu, Go"

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Pick the month you were born:
January--I kicked
February--I loved
March--I kissed
April--I licked
May—I did the Macarena with
June--I smelled
July—I jumped on
August--I had lunch with
September--I danced with
October--I sang to
November--I yelled at
December--I ran over

Pick the day (number) you were born on:
1--a birdbath
2--a monster
3--a phone
4--a fork
5--a snowman
6--a gangster
7--my mobile phone
8--my dog
9--my best friends' boyfriend
10--my neighbor
11--my science teacher
12--a banana
13--a fireman
14--a stuffed animal
15--a goat
16--a pickle
17--your mom
18--a spoon
19-- - a smurf
20--a baseball bat
21--a ninja
22--Chuck Norris
23--a noodle
24--a squirrel
25--a football player
26--my sister
27--my brother
28--an ipod
29--a surfer
30--a llama
31--A homeless guy

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:
White--because I'm cool like that
Black--because that's how I roll.
Pink--because I'm crazy.
Red--because the voices told me to.
Blue--because I'm sexy and I do what I want
Green--because I think I need some serious help.
Purple--because I'm AWESOME!
Gray--because Big Bird said to and he's my leader.
Yellow--because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange--because my family thinks I'm stupid anyway.Brown--because I can..
Other--because I'm a Ninja! :D :) :O :/

None--because I can't control myself!

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RANDOM FUNNINESS!

I couldn't fix your brakes so I made your horn louder

I swear to drunk officer I'm not god!

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

ADHD is Automatic Death by Hyperness Disorder.

A good friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend will be sitting next to you saying ‘Man that was fun!! Let’s do it again!’ (I'll be that friend)

One out of four people is insane. Look at three of your friends. If it's not them, it's you

"What you're looking for is always in the last place you look" (Me: Well, DUH, smart one! After you find it, you stop looking!)

People who say "nothing's impossible" have never tried slamming a revolving door.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all commited suicide.

I'm not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

Give a person a fish, you feed them for a day; Teach a person to use the Internet, they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like a slinky..not really good for anything, but you can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.

Music is like candy-you throw away the rappers.

Life isn't a garden so stop being a hoe.

If life gives you lemons, throw them back at the jerk who gave 'em to ya and demand chocolate.

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up. Anyone else seeing the irony in this?

"Life is short" What? Name one thing you do that is longer than life.

"Don't you wish you could have your cake and eat it too?" What is the point of having a cake if you can't eat it.

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends

When life gives you lemons, alter their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS!

My friend's the kind of person that breaks the silence at a funeral by screaming "KUNG POW CHICKEN"

I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

Fergie taught me how to spell delicious and glamorous. But not so much tastey!

Taste the rainbow- Eat CRAYONS

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing

I'm the kind of girl who would get fired at the M&M's company for throwing out the w's.

I'm the kind of girl who gets drunk off soda and loves every minute of it.

What the heck is gum made out of? HOW DOES IT DISOLVE! Jeez! I've tortured myself with this for weeks...

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25 Reasons to Thank my Mother:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why.

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

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FROM THE BLOG OF JACK HEATH:

Girls
are like
apples on trees.
The best ones are
at the top of the tree.The
boys don't want to reach
for the good ones because they
are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples
from the ground that aren't as good,
but easy. So the apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just
have to wait for the right boy to
come along, the one who's
brave enough to
climb all
the way
to the top

I have seen this crap on more MySpaces, FaceBooks, blogs and forwarded emails than I can count. Leaving aside the fact that it's badly written from a grammatical and punctuation standpoint, that it looks more like a spade than an apple tree, and that it pretends gay people don't exist (as gender analogies often do, including, I'm ashamed to admit, some of my own) it sends a pretty awful message. Allow me to distill it:

Girls
who actively seek
out relationships with boys
are rotten apples. And boys who end
up in relationships with those girls are cowardly.
Instead of pursuing boys, girls should wait, letting
the lack of interest in them from the opposite sex
damage their self esteem, until a boy comes along
who is willing to do all the work and
treat her like property,
as though she's
incapable
of doing
anything
for herself

There. That looks more like an apple tree to me.

Do the people spreading this nonsense around realise that we live in the 21st century now? When approaching a restaurant, how long do they stand in front of the door waiting for the nearest man to open it? (Because girls who open doors for themselves are rotten apples.) Girls, women, welcome to 2009, when it's okay to think for yourself, when it's no big deal to take the initiative and ask a boy out on a date - instead of sitting at the top of the tree waiting to be "plucked". Yes, Bella Swan, I'm talking to you.

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Why America has some issues (One thing that America DIDN’T screw up-this list)

1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway
and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'

10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that stuff up in two seconds. That's why when I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you

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You know you live in 2009 when...

1. You go to a party, sit down and take MySpace pics.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have AIM/LiveJournal/MySpace.

4. You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the TV.

6. Your evening activity is sitting at the computer.

7. You read this list, and keep nodding and smiling.

8. You think about how stupid you are for reading this.

9. You were too busy to notice number five.

10. You actually looked back up to check if there was a number five.

11. And now you're laughing at your stupidity.

12. Pass it on if you fell for it. You know you did.

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FRIENDS AND BEST FRIENDS

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.

FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
BEST FRIENDS: Loses your stuff and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you

FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HERE."

FRIENDS: Will help me find my way when I'm lost.

BEST FRIENDS: Will be the one messing with my compass, stealing my map and giving me bad directions

FRIENDS: Will help me learn to drive.

BEST FRIENDS: Will help me roll the car into the lake so I can collect insurance.

FRIENDS: Will help me up when I fall down.

BEST FRIENDS: Will point and laugh because she tripped me.

FRIENDS: Will ask if I’m crying.

BEST FRIENDS: Will already be burying the loser who made me cry. (Alive or otherwise)

FRIENDS: Will help you move.

BEST FRIENDS: Will help you move the body.

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19 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds".
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don t use any punctuation.
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat...use a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance , Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Coworkers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling, "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

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40 Things I'm not allowed to do at Hogwarts.
1) Seamus Finnigan is not after my lucky charms
2) I do not weigh the same as a duck. Nor should I try to act like one.
3) "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
4) I will not sing "we're off to see the wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office.
5) I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class
6) I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss
7) Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda
8) Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar
9) First years are not allowed to be fed to Fluffy
10) I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his "time of the month"
11) I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they're real animals
12) I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin quidditch matches
13) The Giant Squid is not an approriate date to the Yule Ball
14) When Death-Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout "To the Bat Mobile, Robin!"
15) When a class-mate falls asleep, I shall not take advantage of the fact and draw a Dark Mark on his arm.
16) It's not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes house points from Gryffindor
17) Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is simply coincidental
18) I will not call the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Kenny. Even if he is wearing an orange anorak
19) I will not refer to the Weasley Twins as "bookends"
20) I will not dress up in a Dementor's suit and use a dustbuster on Harry's lips to make him do what I want.
21) I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.
22) I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells shouting "I got the power!"
23) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights who say Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have students yell "Ni!" from various directions.
24) I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance when I enter a classroom
25) Its not necessary for me to yell "Bam!" everytime I apparate.
26) I will not steal Griffyndor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallway.
27) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music when wandering the halls.
28) "To conquer the earth with flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.
29) I am not allowed to begin Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes"
30) I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs.
31) The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife
32) "Draco Malfoy, Take it up the Arse" is not an acceptable quidditch chant.
33) I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.
34) I am not Allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot gay sex will occur.
34) It is a bad idea to tell Proffesor Mcgonagal that she takes herself too seriously
35) "Ya'll check this crap out!" is not an aprropriate way to announce that I am about to conduct an experimental spell
36) I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life" to Voldemort.
37) I will not offer to pose nude for Collin Creevy.
38) I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.
39) Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.
40) Dumbledore does not have "nakie time".

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1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME (first pet, current car): Dog Toyota

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME (fave ice cream flavour, favourite type of shoe): Vanilla Stillettos

3. YOUR NATIVE AMERICAN NAME (favourite colour, favourite animal): Silver Fox

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (middle name, city where you were born): Caitlin Sydney

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name): Sha Sa

6. SUPERHERO NAME (2nd favourite colour, favourite drink): Silver Fanta

7. NASCAR NAME (the first names of your grandfathers): Dennis Peter

8. STRIPPER NAME (the name of your favourite perfume/cologne/scent, favourite candy): Toxic Lollipops

9. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Hurst Hanover

10. SPY NAME: (your favourite season/holiday, flower): Summer Holly

11. CARTOON NAME: (favourite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Necterine Tee

12. HIPPIE NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favourite tree): Air Willow

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12 things you shouldn't say to a police officer

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas )
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

ATTENTION PEOPLE: I also have a second account.

SPEAKtheWAFFLEanthem

if you see a review from her, IT IS ME!!