Author has written 1 story for Odyssey.
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SEARCH IN THE DARK—ONLINE, THAT IS. Blackle is a Google-based search engine that uses a black background, which gets you the info you need without wasting extra energy. Visit.
For those of you who dislike long bio's, like mine, there's a "HIDE BIO" button on the top right corner of every authors page. I don't know why you would want to do that, though, because my page is totally interesting, I tell you, no lie . . .
Hey all! I completely died off the face of the earth, but I'm baaaa~aaaaack. I come sporadically, but summer is my time to thrive! Sees yous laters.
Evening Falls by Ava Sinclair. READ IT. It's intricate and spellbounding and lovely and all those fantastic words critics can manage to put together!
"Just wanted to let you know that I finished reading your profile. It took me 9 days, and now, I can't remember what made me laugh at the beginning of it so I have to go read it again."
-xx.nikteche, 3.28.09. (Thanks for telling me whatcha think. Nine days . . . that's quite the total.)(Ahem. Just wanted to say, she's a great author too, so read her stuff too.)
Hey, any of you see a mistake/repeat on my profile, tell me, please?
Okay. Here's a hint on how to get hits on your story: Make sure your title is capitalized and the summary is in correct grammar and all that punctuation crap. I do not care if your story is as bad as hell. (Okay. I lie. But, for now, say I don't.) You won't believe how annoying it is. Just DO it. Comprende?
All the Funny Things You Can Find On FanFiction:
~Twenty Ways to Annoy People in an Elevator:
1) Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
2) Apply dripping red paint around the edge of the roof hatch. When someone enters, look upwards and whisper, "I think they want in . . ."
3) Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. Press the wrong ones.
4) Ask, “Did you hear that cable-snapping sound?”
5) Bring a camera, take pictures of everybody in the elevator.
6) Call out, “Group hug!” and enforce it.
7) Draw a volleyball on the wall of the elevator and insist you have been trapped in there for three months. Formally introduce everyone to the volleyball.
8) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”
9) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
(Someone explain this to me, please. Is this funny because you will be seen as schizophrenic or because you will suddenly say that when no one is talking . . . ?)
10) Hold the elevator door open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi Eugene, how’s your day been?”
11) Hum the theme to Jeopardy.
12) Leave a box in a corner, and when someone gets on, ask if they hear something ticking.
13) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
14) Say, while holding a paper with 'OUT OF ORDER' written on it, “I wonder why this was glued on the door when I came in.”
15) Scribble furiously on a notepad while looking at each passenger. When they try to look, hide the pad.
16) Stare at another passenger for a while, then scream “You’re one of THEM!” and cower to the far corner of the elevator.
17) When the elevator doors close, bang on them, screaming "Let me out!"
18) When there’s only one other person on the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you.
19) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
20) When the elevator doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay! Don’t panic, they’ll open again.”
Annoying Things To Do On An Elevator II
1) Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside, and ask, "Got enough air in there?"
2) Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
4) Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you 'Admiral.'
5) Meow occasionally.
6) Stare at another passenger for awhile. Then announce in horror: "You’re one of THEM!" — and back away slowly.
7) Say “Ding" at each floor.
8) Say "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11) When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
17) Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg, how’s your day been?"
19) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with The Passengers.
21) Swat at flies that don't exist.
Sixteen Things To Do At Wal-Mart . . .
1. Get twenty-four boxes of condoms, and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren’t looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at five-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "'Code 3' in Housewares". . . and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION — WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you’ll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, “Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack, and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream . . . “NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door, wait a while, and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!”
16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting, "Go, Pikachu, go!"
All by the Wonderful Ninja Spork - Sporker Stalker, 10.30.08=
Effective Ways On How To Annoy/Scare The Living Daylights Outta People
1. When a waiter asks you what you would like to eat, simply answer, “Food.”
2. When a waiter asks you what you want, spew off a long, complicated order and right before they go, change your mind, and order something else.
"Quote the 25th letter of the alphabet . . . Y"
"That spot is following me. Oh . . . Nope . . . that would be a bug."
"This is so awesome, I feel like the James Bond theme song should be blaring right about now. Here, I'll improvise."
"Get me a Whopper!"
"We haven't talked in so long! I just want to hear your lovely voice."
Handling Kids is Easy.
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
The Best of Bumper Stickers.
· My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her . . . or something like that.
· Keep honking while I reload.
· If we are what we eat; I’m cheap, fast, and easy.
· Bad Cop! No Donut!
· It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
· I love cats . . . they taste just like chicken. (For a second there, I thought it was "I love cats . . . they taste just like children.")
· I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
· Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
· Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
· Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
· As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
· Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
· Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
· Tow-ers will be violated.
· The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
· I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
· It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
· When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
· Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
· Wink, I’ll do the rest!
· I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
· When there’s a will, I want to be in it!
· Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
· If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
· My karma ran over my dogma.
· Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
· Forget about World Peace . . . Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
· Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
· We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
· Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
· Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
· Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
· Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
· i souport publik edekasion.
· We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
· Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
· Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
· Diplomacy is the art of saying, ‘Nice, doggie!’ . . . 'till you can find a rock.
Bumper Stickers II
• Don't Worry What People Think: They Don't Do It Very Often
• I'm Only Speeding Cause I Really Have to Poop
• You Looked Better on MySpace
• My Kid is an Honor Student & My President is an Idiot
• If You Can't Enjoy Yourself, Try to Enjoy Someone Else
What's In a Name?
Billy Bob’s pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine and your brother came in and named them.”
The woman thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother… he’s an idiot!” Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”
“Denise,” says the doctor.
The new mother says, “Wow, that’s a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise.” Then she asks, “What’s the boy’s name?”
Ways You Can Tell You Are A Sad Sack
You get fired from your job at McDonald's.
Things to Ponder:
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
TOP TEN Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk At Work:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a fifteen minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken . . ."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot . . ."
And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.
25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
19. My mother taught me ESP.
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
~Things Found Only in America~
1. Only in America - can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
In Case You Need Further Proof That The Human Race Is Doomed Because Of Stupidity, Here Are Some Actual Label Instructions On Consumer Goods:
On a Myer hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".
On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap".
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost".
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down".
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating".
On a Korean kitchen knife: "Warning: keep out of children."
On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body".
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness".
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".
On a Japanese food processor:"Not to be used for the other use".
On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts".
(Talk about a news flash!) (But no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".
Graceful Little Alice=
Many English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners:
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. (Mean, yet I figure at least some of you laughed. Tsk, tsk.)
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. (Ahh, true love!)
Tail writer, 12.2.08=
A Hundred and One Ways to Annoy People
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
You Know You Live In 2007 When . . .
1. You go to a party, sit down and take My Space pics
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is because they don't have AIM/MySpace/LiveJournal
4. You would rather look all over the house for the remote rather than pushing the button on the T.V.
6. Your evening activity is sitting on the computer.
7. You read this list, and keep nodding and smiling.
8. You think about how stupid you are for reading this.
9. You were too busy to notice number five.
10. You actually looked back up to see if there was a number five.
11. And now you are laughing at your stupidity.
RULES FOR LIFE AT HOGWARTS
1) Seamus Finnigan is not after my lucky charms.
3) "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
4) I will not sing "We're Off to See the Wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office.
5) I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
6) I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.
7) Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.
8) Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
9) First years are not allowed to be fed to Fluffy.
10) I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his "Time of the Month."
11) I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they're real animals.
12) I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.
13) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
14) When Death-Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout, "To the Bat Mobile, Robin!"
15) When a class-mate falls asleep, I shall not take advantage of the fact and draw a Dark Mark on his arm.
16) It's not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes house points from Gryffindor.
17) Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is simply coincidental.
18) I will not call the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Kenny. Even if he is wearing an orange anorak.
19) I will not refer to the Weasley Twins as "bookends."
20) I will not dress up in a Dementor's suit and use a dustbuster on Harry's lips to make him do what I want.
21) I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.
22) I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells shouting, "I got the power!"
23) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights who say Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have students yell "Ni!" from various directions. (Highly inappropriate, albeit very funny.)
24) I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance when I enter a classroom.
25) Its not necessary for me to yell "Bam!" every time I apparate.
26) I will not steal Griffyndor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallway.
27) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music when wandering the halls.
28) "To conquer the earth with flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.
29) I am not allowed to begin Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes."
30) I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs.
31) The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife. (Don't get it really . . . Help me out?)
32) "Draco Malfoy, Take it up the arse" is not an acceptable Quidditch chant.
33) I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.
34) I am not Allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot, gay sex will occur.
35) It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagal that she takes herself too seriously.
36) "Ya'll check this shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that I am about to conduct an experimental
37) I will not say the phrase, "Dude, get a life," to Voldemort.
38) I will not offer to pose nude for Collin Creevy. (He will take you up on it.)
39) I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.
40) Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks, and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists, or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present . . .
The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No," and shoot him. On second thought, I'll shoot him, then say, "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet, civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large, red button labeled, "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisers will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of a cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 1:17 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence, "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisers, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mindset.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line, "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, naked mole rat, or whatever sickeningly-cute, little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say, "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an adviser says to me, "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?" I will reply, "This," and kill the adviser.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says, "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!", I will say, "Oh well," and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However, before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child adviser will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisers ask, "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment Room.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super-weapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisers assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old adviser can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror, "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be, "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the twelve Stones of Power on the sacred altar, then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of, "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I capture the hero's super-weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
Graceful Little Alice=
My Personal Collection of Evil Bunnies . . .
Yaaaay kitty! (Imagine this is a bunny . . .)
Copy the bunny to your profile to help him achieve world domination,
(There should be one here, but it won't show up for me . . . You'll have to check it out yourself . . .)
( )( )
Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?
Girl: Do you like me?
Girl: Do you want me?
Girl: Would you cry if I left?
Girl: Would you live for me?
Girl: Would you do anything for me?
Girl: Choose—me or your life.
Boy: My life.
The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says: The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind. The reason why I don't like you is because I love you. The reason I don't want you is because I need you. The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left. The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you. The reason why I'm not willing to do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you. The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life.
Did You Know that if you press the
>I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.
>You know there are poor people in Africa who can't afford sarcasm and yet you abuse it.
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man . . . living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money!" (George Carlin)
“Last night, I dreamt I was eating a ten-pound marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.”
“Politics: poli, a Latin word meaning "many", and tics, meaning "bloodsucking creatures." --Robin Williams
"I stopped fighting with my Inner Demons. We're on the same side, now."
"If you can't laugh at yourself, I'd be happy to do it for you."
Boy in My Homeroom: If you were a Hostess snack you'd be a Ho-ho.
Me: If you were a Hostess snack you'd be a Ding-dong.
Edward: Sasha, if you were a lesbian, which girl at this school would you do?
Sasha: Definitely you, Edward.
Me and Nick: Ohhh, burrrn . . .
The Principal (talking to me and my friend Harry): So are you kids going to the dance next week?
Harry School spirit is for squares.
the indifferent child of earth=
“Uhm…I’m going…to find Drew.” May said, quietly.
“Why?” came a voice. May turned to see Drew.
“Yes, unfortunately.” - May & Drew in Just Like Romeo And Juliet from Beautifly-Soul. Unfortunately May is a cheerleader. (Ah well. Sorry to all you cheerleaders out there. Its just the American influence on the British school system. I've been brainwashed into believing American stereotypes.)
(Highlands: I love her comments.)
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention i n class.
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
"A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4
There is Information Everywhere
“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I’ve been with a loose woman.”
The priest sighs. “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?”
“Yes, Father, ’tis I.”
“And who might be the woman you were with?”
“I shan’t be tellin’ you, Father. It would ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Tommy, I’m bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Lisa O’Shanter?”
“I’m sorry, but I’ll not name her.”
“Was it Cathy O’Dell?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Fiona Mallory, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy O’ Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.”
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
“Five more good leads!”
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE . God is watching."
To all Eragon lovers: Read this. Warning! Eldest spoilers
A boy of foggy origins lives with his uncle in a remote place of a vast empire headed by an evil Emperor and his right hand man, who was once prominent in an ancient order of guardians with mystical powers. Through fate or luck, depending on your point of view, this boy comes into the possession of an object vital to a rebellion against the Empire; this object was inadvertently sent to him by a princess in the rebellion, who had attempted to send said object to an old man who once belonged to the same order of guardians as the Emperor’s right-hand man.
This boy seeks the old man to learn of the ways of this ancient order, but eventually has to return to his uncle’s farm, which, the boy finds, has been destroyed by fire, and his uncle killed. The boy then sets off with the old hermit, who also gives him a sword which belonged to his father. As they travel, they train. The boy meets up with a rogue who is full of surprises, but turns out to be fiercely loyal, for all his proclaimed selfishness. The boy also sees a beautiful woman imprisoned and in need of help.
The boy decides that he needs to rescue her, even though he doesn't know her; furthermore, he thinks of her only as beautiful. Long story short, the old hermit dies to protect the boy, the boy and the rogue help the beautiful damsel escape. They then set off to the rebellion to give important information and return the object which the princess had sent the boy. They were followed by the Empire, and prepare for a giant battle that will either save the rebellion or annihilate them. The boy proves his worth with heroics during the battle, but his crowning achievement is his destruction of a noun of much power that has the ability to destroy lots of things.. The boy is aided in this by one of his friends, who arrives at precisely the right moment. The boy is lauded a hero.
The boy has a hallucination of a powerful master who can teach him more of the ancient order. The boy travels to the powerful master to learn the ways of the ancient order's mystical power. While there, he grows very powerful. While he is away, the Rebellion regroups in a new area.
Just when the boy is on a roll with his training, and has grown very powerful, he has a vision of his friends in great danger. He decides he must go to help them. His master warns him not to go. The boy promises that he will return. He leaves. He finds his friends just in time and is able to distract the enemy so that his friends will remain safe. He finds out that his father was the right-hand man of the Emperor--his father was the one who betrayed the ancient order and helped kill them.
The boy is shocked and ultimately defeated, but not killed. He finds out that someone dear to him has been taken by evil people, and promises to find this person.
Now, is that the plot of Inheritance, or Star Wars?
"I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can be together all the time." - Hobbes
"Wanna know who your real friends are? Screw up and see who's still there."
"A true friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg, even though they know you're slightly cracked."
"We took a magic potion, and now . . . We're sexy!" - Shrek 2, Donkey
I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want—an adorable pancreas?
Jean Kerr, The Snake Has All the Lines
The Romanticidal Edwardian, 06.09.09=
"We could all take a lesson from crayons: some are sharp, some are beautiful, some have weird names, all are different colors, but they still learn to live in the same box."
Heaven doesn't want me, and Hell is afraid I'll take over.
"Let's eat grandpa!!"
"Where am I to go, now that I've gone too far?"
My best friends are the kind that if my house were on fire, they'd be roasting marsh mellows and flirting with the firemen. Oh, you think I'm kidding.
"Good friends will pick you up when your down, BEST FRIENDS will push you back down and laugh"
"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all its pupils."
"It takes forty-six muscles to frown, but only four to flip 'em the bird."
"Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty. Me? I just want to know who the hell is drinking my damn soda."
Since Edward is a perfect angel, and God created angels, and Carlisle created Edward (into a vampire), God is Carlisle. That and when every one of us woke up and saw Carlisle, we thought he was God. And God (Carlisle) said, "Let there be Edward," . . . and it was good.
It's true, Edward Cullen prefers brunettes. Sorry, Barbie, you aren't Bella, and Edward isn't your Ken. (It's a great day to be Teresa, though . . .)
Bella saw the children dressed as werewolves and vampires trading candy and laughing and wondered why couldn't it be like that in real life.
I am the future of America. Be very, very afraid.
Even if the voices aren't real, they got some great ideas.
Sometimes I get the urge to run around naked . . . but then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.
What not to say to the police: "You're not going to check the trunk, are you?"
Oh my God, look at you! Was anyone else hurt in the accident?
Some call it stalking; I call it love.
I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE, is when it's weird.
"You really should stay away from me. See you in class." -Edward
"Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that, my children, is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies." (As said by the wonderful Johnny Depp in 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory'.)
"Emmett's the strongest, Edward's the fastest, but Jasper can sit alone in a corner and still make people jealous." -(DelilahTCullen)
-Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect - and I didn't live to be. But before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean.- (Bob Marley)
-When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end.- (Twilight, prologue.)
-Boys in books . . . are just better.-
-I have more fictional boyfriends than you do. Beat that!-
-It's funny how someone can break your heart and you still love them with all the little pieces.-
-Happiness. It made the whole dying thing pretty bearable.- (New Moon)
-The best things in life aren't things.- (Art Buchwald)
-Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. - Lol! (Some Genius)
-There's that one quote, 'when I'm around you the sky is a different blue'. What happens when I'm around you . . . the goddamn sky is grey?-
-So here's to teenage romance, and not knowing why it hurts like hell.-
-It's sad when people you know, become people you knew . . . When you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life. How you used to be able to talk for hours, and now . . . you can barely even look at them.-
-After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist finally said to me, "Maybe . . . life isn't for everyone." -
-You want a song of glory? Well I'm fucking screaming it at you.- (Box Full of Sharp Objects by The Used)
-Falling in love was the best idea I ever had.- (Same song as above.)
The Romanticidal Edwarian=
“My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.”
Daddy's Little Cannibal,12.31.08=
~ All I ask for is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy!
~ Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
~ Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
~Entered on the Fourteenth of September, 2008~
Me: Even if Edward was eighty and Bella was ten, they'd still get together--they're soul mates!
Me: I'll have the strawberry shortcake--on second thought, can I have you for dessert?
"Fang could turn men gay, but he wouldn't be gay with them. It's like a hit and run thing." -Me
(The family is car shopping again.)
James: -Stares at one of the girls in my class hunched over a desk with her butt in the air.-
(Talking about my friend whom Brian as a crush on. (SHE MUST NOT BE NAMED!))
(Okay, we have an ongoing pretend-to-be-lesbians joke, so bear with me.)
Bolly: "Would you like some chocolate . . . ? It'll make you sexy!!" -Wiggles eyebrows suggestively.-
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried slamming a revolving door.
You know its going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.
"It's always the last place you look." Well, dur!! Why would I keep looking after I found it, smartness!!
If con is the opposite of pro, is "Congress" the opposite of "progress"?
Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog." --Mark Twain
Always forgive your enemies--nothing annoys them as much.
"Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes."--Lewis Grizzard (I don't remember his name off the top of my head, but it's something along those lines.)
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Join the Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
Things I Learned From Twilight!
4. Nothing beats an irritable grizzly bear.
My Favourite Quotes and Sayings:
Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.
Education is important. Although school is another matter entirely.
Amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Music is love in search of words.
Always forgive your enemies, it's the best way to annoy them out of their minds.
I used to be normal, until I met those freaks I now call my best friends.
I ran with scissors and lived!
I don't obsess. I just think intensely.
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
When life gives you lemons, throw them back and demand Edward. =VampireCat3, actually. It just fits better here.=
The knack of flying is attempting to fall . . . and missing the ground.
Somebody needs a happy meal.
I find the phrase "Good Morning" an oxymoron.
Having the love of your life say "we can still be friends," is like your dog dying, and your mom saying you can keep it.
Your just jealous that the little voices are talking to me.
I knew something was wrong when my imaginary friends would talk to me.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems.
"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense." - Tom Clancy
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life . . . You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't the same anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” - Neil Gaiman
In Loving Memory of JB by VampricFaeryGirl. 10.12.08=
Writing is a socially accepted form of Schizophrenia.
"I dream of a better world where chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned."
Jacob Black glared at the children dressed as vampires, and he knew it wasn't right, but he lied and told them there was no candy left anyway.
To save a life, you need not give it a heartbeat, but a reason for the heart to beat.
(¸.•´ (Doesn't this look cool?)
Mrs Cullen for Life, 10.19.08=
03/28/11, must read their lovable profiles+
Being weird is like being normal, only better.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
I'm not littering . . . I'm donating to the Earth.
Life is like a pack of gum . . . I've yet to figure out why.
Be insane . . . Because well-behaved girls never made history.
You call me a "B." Well a "B" is a female dog. A dog barks. Bark is on trees. Trees are a part of nature. Nature is beautiful. So thanks for the compliment. :)
My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.
Never knock on Death’s door. Ring the doorbell and run away; he hates that.
Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.
Last night I looked up at the stars and matched each star to a reason I loved you. I was doing fine 'till I ran out of stars.
To the world, you are just one person, but to one person, you are the world.
One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh, he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
Person #1: Happiness is just around the corner!
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.
"They always say that a murderer is a loner; Well, of course he is a loner! HE HAS BEEN KILLING PEOPLE!!"
I may be drunk, but you are ugly and in the morning I will be sober.
If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance . . . Baffle them with bullshit!
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
One out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself . . . Where the heck is the ceiling?
The more I learn about people the more I like my dog.
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
"They say 'guns don't kill people; people kill people,' but I think guns help. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you would kill too many people. Do you?" --A Flaming Moo
I'm a little teapot short and stout. Here is my handle here is my . . . Well I’ll be damned. I'm a sugar bowl.
I stay as confused as a gangster with a skateboard.
Chuck Norris has a nightlight--not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Therapist = The/rapist . . . Scary thought.
Remember what you just said, because tomorrow I am going to have a witty and sarcastic comeback and you'll be devastated then!
"I know water doesn't bite! What a stupid thing to say! Water doesn't have to bite you! You drown in it, you moron!" -Stewie Griffin
Muffins are just ugly cupcakes . . . but we love them anyways.
It is wise to walk a mile in a man's shoes before judging him . . . That way you're a mile away and you have his shoes.
At my lemonade stand I used to give away the first glass for free, and charge five dollars for the refill. It contained the antidote.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
People who say it can't be done should not interrupt those of us who are doing it.
You can't wait for inspiration; you have to go after it with a club.
Asking a writer what he thinks about criticism is like asking a lamppost what it thinks about dogs.
My friends are the type of people who would try to drown a fish, but I love them anyway.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
Ooooo . . . A life. Where can I download one?
I apologize, do you want me to mean it too?
The dinosaurs extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.
Doctors say I have multiple personality disorder. We disagree with that.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
"If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail”. -David Brent-
I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not.
The TRUTH is that everyone's going to hurt you . . . You just have to decide who is worth the pain.
"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, and the lesson afterwards." - Vernon Law
"Right now I have amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before." - Steven Wright
"Friends are like potatoes. If you eat them, they die."
"I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my super powers."
Palm Reader: -Gasp- "You're going to die. But don't worry, you'll live through it."
"In a world of nonsense, everything something is, it isn't, everything it would be wouldn't, and everything it would be, was."
"Excuse me. Have you seen my sanity? I think I've lost it . . . "
"I used to care, but I take a pill for that now . . ."
"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
If the first grape you eat is bitter, then you won't bother eating grapes again. If the first grape you eat is a sweet one, then you are willing to search through all the bitter grapes until you find another sweet one.
Why is it when we're talking to God, we're praying, but whenever God talks to us, we're crazy?
9. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first.
As if he never existed,11.22.08=
"She’s like a stink bomb—she’s a sneaky kind of mean, you know?" —When Fiction Becomes Reality.
A good friend will comfort you when he rejects you. But a best friend will go up to him and say "It's because you're gay isn't it?"
You know what makes letting go of a crush so hard? The fear that the moment you let go, they'll catch on.
It's true, Edward Cullen prefers brunettes. Sorry, Barbie you aren't Bella, and Edward isn't your Ken.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.
". . . Which left Harry free to sit down on the grass between the beech and bushes and watch the foursome under the tree." ~JK Rowling (Harry Potter is downright pornographic when out of context! For more HP innuendos, email me.) Not me. Look below for that.
"Personally, I'd have welcomed a dementor attack. A deadly struggle for my soul would have broken the monotony nicely." ~Sirius
"'. . . when it appears, it is always equipped for the seeker's needs. Dobby has used it, sir,' said the elf, dropping his voice and looking guilty, 'when Wink has been very drunk.'" ~JKR (Ew.) And yet, so funny at the same time . . .
I have super powers. I just don't want to show you.
I'm not random. You just can't think as fast as I do.
Don't flatter yourself. I was looking at your friend.
"We do not write because we want to, we write because we have to."
"Everyone thinks they can be a writer. Most people don't understand what's involved. The real writers persevere. The ones that don't either don't have enough fortitude and they probably wouldn't succeed anyway, or they fall in love with the glamour of writing as opposed to the writing of writing."
"The worst thing that being an artist (writer/painter/musician) could do to you, would be that it would make you slightly unhappy constantly."
"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous."
"Writing is the hardest work in the world. I have been a bricklayer and a truck driver, and I tell you — as if you haven't been told a million times already — that writing is harder. Lonelier. And nobler and more enriching."
"Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards."
"The quality which makes man want to write and be read is essentially a desire for self-exposure and masochism. Like one of those guys who has a compulsion to take his thing out and show it on the street."
"A blank piece of paper is God's way of telling us how hard it to be God."
"Writing is so difficult that I feel that writers, having had their hell on earth, will escape all punishment hereafter."
"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."
“We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.”
Daddy's Little Cannibal, 3.28.09.=
I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor"—a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck, my friends, for I may not return alive.
Slinky + Escalator = Endless Fun!
Sometimes I wonder, "Why is the Frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.
One day, Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem: My husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones had winked off again. However, this time, the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who then yelled, "You stick that god-damned thing in me one more time, and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
(I'm Buddhist, but, hey. I know when something is funny.)
"We watched zombies eat people, it was great." - Bella Swan
Top Five Most Annoying Things To Me:
1. Slow Drivers — I don't drive fast: I prefer to call it driving with a purpose.
You know your stressed out when you can hear mimes.
(On a T-Shirt.) Who are you, and why are you reading my shirt?
A conclusion is what you reach when you get tired of thinking.
Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there!
Normal people worry me.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
People say that I have totally lost it. I wasn't even aware I had it.
How is your luck at cards?
>When you can calculate the next card, you don't need luck.
You take a trip to the ice-cream parlor. What's the worst that could happen?
>My parents fail to appreciate whipped-cream warfare.
At the mall, you spot your worst enemy before they see you. What would you do?
>Magically disappear . . . into a store.
How do you feel about camping in the woods?
If someone handed you a lump of clay right now, what would you mold it into?
If the school bus broke down, why should you stay together?
Do you like to try new kinds of food?
How are you at making friends?
If everyone is staring at you, this means that:
>"Magic" rocks were not good show-and-tell after all.
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in," when it's
In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
"When I die, I want to go peacefully, like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car."
"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
"Cheese . . . Milk's leap toward immortality."
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize. Oh, man . . . I could be eating a slow learner." -Lyndon B. Johnson
"Life is a comedy to those who think, and a tragedy to those who feel." - Horace Walpole
"No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible." - George Burns
(On a shirt.) Abreadcrumb & Fish
. . . So stick it in your juice box and suck it!
The Top Names to Call Your Puppy
2. Mufasa (See, I know it was Scar that was evil, but I always thought Mufasa sounded so much evil-er . . .)
3. Shithead (shi-thead. How did you think you where supposed to pronounce it?)
"The hardest part of living is taking breaths to stay."
-Miserable At Best, Mayday Parade.
"If you live to be one hundred, I want to be one hundred minus a day, so I'll never have to live a day without you."
-Winnie The Pooh.
"You know it's sad when you try to one-up the Little Engine That Could by saying "I know I can, I know I can." + 10.04.08+
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia. Definition? The fear of long words. Ahh, the irony. +11.12.08+
Life isn't a garden, we don't need hoes.
Okay. I saw these reviews forby darklove4ever, and it was too hilarious; I had to put it up on here.
Ninja Spork - Sporker Stalk...
Ninja Spork - Sporker Stalk...
HOW COULD YOU SAY SUCH AN EVIL AND WRONG THING! breaks down sobbing AH!
Ninja Spork - Sporker Stalk...
(No offense to Lavender Gaia wherever you are. In fact, you are now my idol!)
I love this review. It's plain brutal, and yet you have to agree with at least some of 'Gaia's points. Big G takes time bringing you down in perfect grammatical insults and provides plenty of quotations to prove your incompetence. Many FF writers say they welcome flames, but beware, Lav's lurking somewhere around here to take you down!
2008-01-27 . chapter 1
So, your fic. It's...Well, I've only read the first chapter and I'm not sure if I can handle any more than that. A friend of mine couldn't finish the chapter and I can't blame her. You need to know that you are not the absolute fanfiction God that your delusional reviewers think you are and maybe you can grow in the process as well. If not, at least I'll feel better.
First of all, open to Twilight's first page. Does it say "Bella's P.O.V."? No, it doesn't. No real book would say that because real authors are good enough that they don't have to write that. If you can't write who your narrator is into the prose, then you shouldn't be doing first person. Or writing at all, actually.
"Three years, thirty-six months, one-hundred and fitfty six weeks, one thousand and ninety five days." So...twelve years then? "A duration of time that does not matter to me anymore." This is not a sentence. That's a very long, extended subject. But there's no verb going on there. "Does not" does not count since it's liked to "duration" (a noun) by "that." So an actual verb to make it a sentence? Yeah, it'd help.
"My life was a tale of horrendous nightmares, and horrific stories, that are forever told." Well, of COURSE she doesn't have friends! What's her name, Emo McAngsty? No one wants to hang out with someone who is so freaking depressed all the time. Being a mute doesn't help either.
"More like murdered." Um...dun dun dun? Was that supposed to be climactic?
"It stood alone, just like me... The cold night air was chilly, but I didn’t feel the cold, I never felt the cold." Are you kidding? Why doesn't she just kill herself and get it over with? This is making me wanna cut myself, that's for sure.
"The salt water crystal ran from the rim of my eyes to the base of my chin, where it fell splashing to the ground" I wasn't aware that crystals came from eyes, nor that they could run and splash. I'm pretty sure they fall and crack, since they're solids and that's what makes them crystals.
"3rd Person POV" Again, not needed. I'm pretty sure people will realize by the change of scene, italics and the fact that there's no "I" that it's third person. And what kind of third person is it, exactly? There's more than one kind. By the way, switching point of view? Annoying as hell and a habit you should break now.
Hm, this is interesting. "Her blue irises shed clear tears" I'm not sure about your irises, but mine can't shed tears. My tear ducts can, but my irises just control light. I guess that girl's just MAGIKAL!
As for the rest of the italics... Blah, blah, blah, someone dies. It's bloody, painful, whatever. Why should we care right now? I mean, it sucks that someone died, but don't know who they are, don't know why I should care, so I just don't.
"Chocolate-haired"? So, like, what? Hershey's? Dove? Godiva, perhaps? Does it have almonds too? Love me some chocolate with almonds.
Blah, blah, blah, stuff about her sister. Is her sister gonna be a character? Do we really need to know all about her? And even if we do, there are so many better ways to find out without making a list about it. That gives absolutely no impact on the reader.
"I only broke two of my legs, my left arm, fractured two ribs, lost half a pint of blood" More lists! Stop the lists! Just stop! First of all, this one makes no sense. She has more than two legs? What happened to her left arm? I'm pretty sure you meant "I only broke both of my legs and my left arm, fractured two ribs, etc". Not to mention that it's pretty excessive. Did the brain damage crack her skull? With all that there was no internal bleeding? Were you just listing the only bad things that you know of?
Also... "(thanks to sillylamb who corrected me!x! There are two pints of blood in your body so losing half a pint, I think, is pretty bad)" No. No, you didn't. I want to pretend that you didn't do that because this just crosses over the line from bad to crappy as hell. You do not put author's notes in the middle of the story. Exactly what kind of problem did you have waiting until the end to mention this? The idiocy blows my mind.
"Her payment was much higher then mine, and I had been serving directly under her price, for many years; death." That was pretty useless. We know she's dead. We saw her headstone. The readers are not idiots and do not need you to say it again. Stop treating the readers like invalids.
Other than that, it still makes no sense. From the many mentions of angels, heaven and demons, your narrator seems to be a Christian or at least share the beliefs. So why is she so upset, especially after so long? Yeah, it sucks that her sister died, but she should be happy that her sister has ascended to a better place, not feel sorry for her. KNOW YOUR CHARACTERS! Give them beliefs and stick with it; don't make them hypocrites unless that's a character point. It just makes you look stupid.
"I was stupid, foolish, ugly, hideous, a monstrosity that needed to be locked away." I agree with her here at least.
Why do we need to know what her sister looks like and why does it have to be another stupid list? Does it impact the story in any way? Doubt it. "Eyes that held no significant colour, just dull, a combination of green, blue and brown." Call me crazy, but I'm pretty sure that green, blue and brown are all colors. And just what kind of combination is it? Spin art?
So she was beaten every day and no one in the world noticed it? Her sister was sixteen when she died, but she didn't tell anyone she and her sister were being abused? Then they're both idiots. Plus, I'm sure if you were being beaten every day that SOMEONE would notice. There are other people in the world. And no one's stupid enough to think that the injuries from a personal beating are the results of a hit and run. Other people are not as stupid as they are.
Basically, I'm playing the world's saddest song on the world's smallest violin for your original character. Wah wah wah. Suck it up! If you know your father beats you, leave. Break your stupid mute pact and tell someone. It's hard to believe that THIS is the more realistic version. I pity whoever had to see the first one.
Saffron is a wanna be Mary Sue who I'm sure is going to end up being so beautiful, but scarred so someone will have to take care of her because she's an infantile idiot who can't take care of herself. I have no pity or respect for her, or for you as an extension for making her up. And she's gonna be an extremely good singer. Just another thing to check off on the Mary Sue list. Angsty childhood? Check! Abuse? Check! Death of a close friend/relative? Check! Thinks it's her fault? Double check! This fic alone could be used as a litmus test.
Really look at what you're writing here. Is this the kind of person and writing that you want to represent you? Because right now, all you're showing is that you and your character are immature children who want attention.
Some crazy fan review that made me laugh. It's a review for Glitch in the System's 65th chapter in the . No offense to B&H wherever you are.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE UPDATE SON! (Not even spelled right. Oh, dear.)
You'll have to read the story to get this one. Wedding Cake Traditions Gone Wrong by mistresselektra. It's not bad though guys. She has a witty reply contest:
I can't forget Staysa and Weasley Weakness:
Oh, Weasley Weakness is going down. (not like that. get out of the gutter)
YES. I WIN.
Fun Fact: If you were to paste this on Word, these words would currently reside on the 45th page, as of the 14th of December, 2008.
As of 12.31.08, this is 57 pages long . . . I congratulate anyone who got this far. It is a daunting feat.
29 May 2009. – 66 pages long people, 66 pages. Be awed as am I.
Must Reads Told By A Master Fan-Fictioneer
(Now, you've all seen Fan Fiction Lovers put up lists like this . . . But I think I've got this department down far better than many . . . I've scrolled past over a thousand and read over six hundred of that enough to get a good idea of what's triumphant in terms of writing. Trust me when I say I know what I'm talking about here—below. You won't be disappointed by the quality.)
Hydraulic Level 5 by Gondolier
Tropic of Virgo by In.a.blue.bathrobe
Wide Awake by AngstGoddess003
When Fiction Becomes Reality by BITTENEV
Eye of the Storm by Shaps
Shes a Dreamer by Captain Libeka
Such a Pretty Girl by the indifferent child of earth
The Puppet Master by Glitch in the System
Well This Sucks: Life According to Seth Clearwater by Krum Cake
(Now, I admit, some of these haven't been reviewed after a while . . . So pardon my mistake in placing them here, but you have to admit, I've put up a pretty impressive list altogether. You won't get better anywhere else . . . and if you can, well, then I want to see that damn list and get schooled properly!)
Cascade and Cyanide by americnxidiot almost certainly deserves to be put on this list . . . but I can't remember enough to be sure. So this will be my iffy pile.
I confess, it gets boring after this.
I'm mentioned in the following stories: I'll Be Watching You by TwilightSagaLover543,The Last Night by xx.nikteche, My Beloved Window by Muff'Nbutter, Through Your Eyes by Megsly, New American Classic by the lovely CGarman, and Wedding Cake Tradition Gone Wrong by mistresselektra.
Countries That Have Hit My Profile:
>Australia >Belgium >Brazil >Brunei >Canada >China >Egypt >Finland >Germany >India >Indonesia >Ireland >Japan >Malaysia >Mexico >Netherlands >Philippines >Portugal >Romania >Saudi Arabia >Singapore >Sweden >United Kingdom >United States of America >Viet Nam
Countries That Have Hit My Story:
>Canada >Hungary >Lithuania >Norway >Philippines >Poland >Turkey >United Kingdom >United States of America
Countries That Have Hit My Community:
>Australia >Belgium >Canada >Finland >France >Germany >India >Ireland >Netherlands >New Zealand >Philippines >Portugal >Russia >Singapore >South Africa >Sweden >United Kingdom >United States of America
If you ever get a review from me, know that the series of numbers is my way of counting the amount of reviews I've done . . .
The longest review I've ever left was "Review: 4149 characters"
-- Scratch that. It is now: "Review: 3336 characters." -10.31.08
The Number of People Who Do Not Bother Reading All of This to Find Out About the Series of Numbers:
1. not done baking
3. purplecow1225 (Now dontxbexstupid1995)
6. Opague. (Sorry, hun. Had to put you in. You asked . . .) 11.21.08.
Just kidding. But it's funny how many people ask. Call it an experiment, as you will . . .
This may be the only tidbit of information I will ever give, but let me tell you something. If you send me an open-ended question, or a sarcastic comment, I will answer, so beware. (Okay, that sounds a tad creepy, but I have my reasons.)
Random Messages I'm Too Attached to to Delete.
sargent11! I love you! You've added yourself to my community's subscriber list! This is great! I thought my community was crap!
Vietnam! You've come! That's so cool! (I'm Asian, yes. I'm Vietnamese, yes.) Thank you, thank you. Come again. And Sweden, I'm sorry. This message has been dominated by Viet. But in comparison, I was totally more excited by Viets. No offense. I think you're cool too. With your Swiss cheese and all that . . . I mean, I eat it every day . . . (I kidding, just in case you were 'bout to start a war over that, since I know my influence is totally dominating FF now and FF is slowing invading the world . . . ). Rant over.
So the poll is useless, because I figured out HOW to tell how many people have visited it. But still. It looks cooler with one, I think, so I'll just leave it up there. That poll will now have a new purpose; who is unlazy enough to actually vote . . . (I had another one; only 5 people bothered to vote. : )
"How many people have visited my profile? Vote to add yourself, please. I'd like to know." Is what my first poll said. Only eight of the 200 people who visited answered. Ahh, the idleness of society . . .
Well, Yeah! Psh, don't you wish you were me? I'm so good, I can get to be a favourite author without posting any stories! Yeah! (Thanks for that, deadgoddess, by the way. You rock!)
Dang. Fan Fiction will be the death of my high school career. Damn you amazing Fan Fic authors!
I wonder when I'll finally have too many words on here. Note to self: Keep on putting up information on here and see when it's an overload. Mess with the poor, nerdy FanFiction workers' minds.
Woo! I have another fan! Beat that! (Without being a Twilight author, of course. And having a random story you did for some English class.) Thanks goes out to my bleeding tears of agony.
Fan three, guys. I don't know when that happened, pero I do know it happened between three days ago and today. So . . . I would like to give a shout out to VampricFaeryGirl for making my day . . .
Hello to the new country citizens of the Netherlands, Romania, and Portugal.
Woot, woot! I have another fan! Alice'sGuineaPig! She'll even be co-additioning to my community.
Rest in peace, Daddy's Little Cannibal.
Guys, I just proposed to the-love-of-my-life CGarman on the seventeenth. We met on FF. And she said yes! I love ya, C. ; ) Check out her stories: You'll love her, too. But she's mine. :)
(By the way, she makes the universe expand (with love!) with her insane writing skills. It'll be the tragedy of the decade if you miss any word she says! READ HER STUFF!)
Here's to the tragic demise of two of my favourite authors: Lianna Weschester and rubia1516 and others, who have deleted many of my favourite stories . . .
I'm always impressed that anybody spends a good portion of their time on my profile. It's quite the amount. I know that whenever I review over it, I am a little daunted by the quantity of it. Who knows what goes through your head when you decide to read all of this. (Scary!) I commend your dedication on reading this far. :)
Thank you for reading!
Key: + is additions by me purely. = is additions other FF authors had.
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