Author has written 4 stories for Hunchback of Notre Dame, Frankenstein, and Babylon 5.
Where I live: Nottingham, UK
Favourite movies: The Man Who Laughs (1928), The Elephant Man (1980), The Phantom of the Opera (1925), The Bride of Frankenstein (1935), Watership Down (1978), Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009), The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993), Anastasia (1997), The Wind in the Willows (1983), Land Before Time (1988), La Belle et La Bete (1946)
Family: I live alone, my dad and stepmum live in Cornwall, mum and sisters in Manchester.
Religion: Christian Freethinker
Favourite TV shows: Babylon 5, My Little Pony, Penny Dreadful, Once Upon a Time, Fruits Basket, American Horror Story, The Animals of Farthing Wood
Favourite Books: The Phantom of the Opera (Gaston Leroux), The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Les Miserables, The Man Who Laughs, Toilers of the Sea (Victor Hugo), Frankenstein (Mary Shelly), The Elephant Man (Frederick Drimmer), The House of the Spirits (Isabelle Allende), Watership Down (Richard Adams), The Children of Green Knowe (Lucy Boston)
Hobbies: Singing, reading, creative writing, drawing, listening to music, photography
Now: Security in a secure hospital.
Future: Progress in my career, get married, start a family and publish a novel.
Other stuff about me
-I have a bad memory
-I am against extreme right wing parties
-I'm an ally of the LGBTQI community
-I love animals
-I like monsters in folklore
One of my sisters: There's a squirrel in the garden.
Mum (flicking through a book trying to remember the name of a fruit): Now what's it called?
My youngest sister: The squirrel's called mango?!
I was watching Hunchback of Notre Dame for my birthday with friends.
Frollo: Anyone else would have drowned you and this is the thanks for taking you in and raising you as my son?
My friend: I'd hate to be his kid!
(I totally agree with that!)
My Religious Studies teacher: We will be doing some of Christian attitudes to sex; now there will be no practical-
Me: Sir, what about the oral?
Me: I can't believe that they've forced me to play the flute in the band, I can't; it sucks!
My classics teacher: No wonder you can't play it, you're supposed to blow.
Me and my mum are watching this tv programme about annoying songs and it's talking about summer songs.
Me: I'm amazed that they haven't mentioned 'Hey Baby' yet.
The TV: Hey, hey baby...
In my art class I must let you know that this is not quite accurate because it was a rather long and complicated conversation, but it's funny.
Someone in my art class: I heard that ET was played by a five year old with no legs.
Someone else: Really?
Teacher: That's not nice! They've cut of a five year old's legs just so that they could star in a sci-fi movie.
My friend: I heard that they got the movements of ET from a legless five year old.
More talking and it comes out that it was not a legless child, but a legless adult.
Teacher: so after all this discussion of a legless child it's really a legless adult.
Several people including me: I'm confused!
In science class a teacher (who is female by the way) was explaining to someone about this injection.
Teacher: Of course that wasn't when I was a girl...
A girl in my science class: What! Miss had a sex change!?
Me: If someone is running along a cliff and they come to a gap in the cliff and there's a massive gorge between them then they can't cross over; but, in between there is nothing, so in a sense nothing is in their way, nothing is holding them back. So they should be able to get across if you think about it, but they can't. So I suppose that we need to think very hard about what context we should use 'nothing'.
My friend Jen: What?
Me: I'm not too keen on the animation in Hunchback of Notre Dame 2, in the end scene the cathedral was the same colour as the sky and Quasi's got a slightly strange skin tone. Also Madaline's top seems to have changed colour slightly and Esmeralda's head scarf is a sort of pinky peach and she's wearing shoes.
Jen: Only you would notice that!
Some boys in my science class (okay this isn't exactly funny but it sure was sweet to watch). The had just turned on the taps in the lab so that the tap was dripping and they were trying to catch the drops between their index finger and their thumb.
One of the boys: Yes! I caught one!
Me and my friends were having lunch outside the library in school while two of them, were looking at some Doctor Who top trumps; then they came across a Sontaron - a type of alien species who look a bit like potatoes.
One of my friends: Mouldy potato!
What was more funny was I actually looked down at the ground and jumped about a mile.
My sister (aged 11): MUM! Give me my vodka back!
The same sister (aged 12): Give me my machine gun back!
My youngest sister (aged 7): Give me my dagger back!
This was a Spike/Phantom debate, but we wrote it on a piece of paper,
Jen shows me hers,
I hold up mine in return,
Our friend Immie: She's doing it again!
Me: But she flashed hers first!
Soph: Don't mention that, I have just had a sex education lesson.
Me: My hair keeps getting in my way!
Someone else: Cut it.
Me: No way! It keeps the back of my neck warm!
In Guides we are looking at some pictures of a church event.
Me: Who is that dude?
Magpie (that's the nickname for our guide leader): That dude!! He's the Archbishop of York!
My dad was taking me and my sisters home.
My sister: I did well on my report apart from maths and science.
Dad (as a car overtakes us at about 100mph): Good grief!!
My sister: It was only two!
Me and my friends Jen and Soph are talking.
Me: I've got a writers block.
Jen: I've got the Rest in Peace from Buffy.
Soph (listening to something from the Pirates of the Carabbien): I've got a jar of dirt.
Me and my youngest sister were watching the Phantom of the Opera.
My sister: I swear that's a mask...
'My hair is a free spirit, so free that it won't even do what I tell it to do.'
Me and my dad were discussing politics.
Me: So do you think that Obama will be able to resolve the currant economic crisis as effectively as Rooservelt did in the economic depression of the 1930's?
My sister: Eastenders was good last night.
My sister's comment after me showing her a picture of two leopard cubs playing with each other.
My sister: I don't like chipmunks!!
My youngest sister: My IQ is above average!
Me: Go on, what is it...
My youngest sister: My IQ is ... 55!
My younger sister: The Victorians were before the Tudors weren't they?
I was on the phone to Jen and she was talking about Buffy:
Jen: So Willow says to Faith-
Me: I've found a starfish on my windowsill.
Jen: mmmm. So anyway, Spike turned to Drew and - hang on, what?
A girl in my textiles class: I wish there were twenty letters in the alphabet instead of twenty-five!
Me watching the Christmas special of Watership Down (BTW, Buttercup is voiced by Dawn French).
Me: Oh my God!! She sounds like Dawn French!
I still have no clue why I yelled that out because I knew it before I watched it and it was in the opening credits, but hey, it's funny!)
I was talking with my friend about how much I had moved (I was then sixteen and I had lived in about nine houses, eleven if you plus my dad's) and I had just listed them off.
My friend: Blimey you get around a bit!
Me: I saw a dead duck on the road the other day, I would have helped it if it had been alive, but I couldn't because it was dead and I figured that there was no way of it coming back to life again so I didn't help it.
The library was closed and someone wanted to go in.
Me (this was in the same day): You can't go in because it's closed, I mean, you would be allowed in if it was open, but it's not so you can't because it's closed.
Jen: You could have said that in two words.
Me: Yeah, but that's no fun!
Jen was pretending to be Dru from Buffy and she was putting her fingers close to my eyes and saying 'make a wish, I'm blowing out the candles' and I kept pushing her finger away.
Immie: No one is blowing out anyone's candles!!
I used the term 'oxygen deficiency' as an explanation to why there are some people in Chile and America with blue skin.
My youngest sister: What does oxygen deficiency mean?
Me: It means deficient in oxygen.
My dad to my sister: You have a benign personality.
My sister: I do not have a banana personality!!
My dad: ...and I was so excited that I wizzed all over the kitchen!
I was in the school liberty with my friends.
Me: I'm the year of the rooster. (Turns to my friend who is the same age as me) What are you?
This was something that I nearly asked someone on a facebook group, but managed to work out the answer myself.
Me: The Memoirs of Dr. Treves... Who's it by?
My friend Nat: He looks Japanese because he is.
I cut my arm when I fell over and needed stitches and painkillers.
Me: A bit of pain never hurt anyone.
Me and my sister were watching Phantom of the Opera and it got to that part where Christine described the phantom's face as distorted and deformed.
Me and my sister at the same time: Bitch!
Whilst having lunch with my family
Me: Can I have a weggie?
I was talking about a type of food that is like a chip.
I was telling my friend about how I once caught the wrong train before an exam and ended up at the wrong station.
Me: ...and there was no one there but other people
I was talking to my friend Soph on the phone about story writing and how you put a bit of yourself into your characters and I've got this story about leopards.
Me (causally): I've never been a leopard.
Me: But you don't know everything about me...
Soph: Teenage girl by day - leopard by night!
If you show your student card at McDonald's after buying a meal, you get a free McFlurry
Me: ...so I flashed it and I got a free McFlurry!
The BNP (British National Party) are a very racist political party who are gaining support in Britain and I am dead against them.
My Politics handout: BNP = Bastard Nazi Pisswankers!!
There's a lamp in my dad's house that I could never see the switch to. He moved house recently and I was on the phone to my friend and I suddenly saw the switch and it was basically a button that lay on the floor so that you could turn it on and off with your foot.
Me: Hey! This lamp's got a switch, I never noticed that before! It's attached to the cable!
Jen: Yes, the lamp has got a switch...
Me (turning it on and off with my foot): This is so cool! I can turn it on and off with my foot!
I was on the phone to my friend and I had suspected swine flu.
Nat: How about we meet up on Thursday?
Me: I can't at the moment, they say that you're not supposed to go out if you have swine flu.
Nat: Can you catch it down the phone line?
Andrea (my dad's girlfriend to my little sister): You can't wear those feet in the house!!
Someone I know ringing up the hairdressers trying to book a blow dry appointment: Hi, can I have a hair cut and blow job?
This guy in my politics class to my teacher: You don't look like a vegetarian.
Me (dressed in a rainbow jumper and flower earnings looking hippyish): Well, how do vegetarians dress?
Me: If it's raining I'll be in the phone box.
My dad to his girlfriend: Where's my lovely Andrea?
My little sister: Up your bum!!
Me: I've heard that the ghost of Joseph Merrick (the Elephant Man) haunts London Hospital so if I ever get treated there I can't listen to my ipod because it's got the music from 'Face to Face' (which is a musical version of 'The Elephant Man') and I don't want to appear stalkerish because it could creep him out.
My friend: You're worried about creeping out a ghost!?
A boy in my politics class: I'd never rape a stapler.
I used to say that I didn't like playing the flute and it sucks so every responded with: 'You're supposed to blow!!'
Anyway, I was being teased about it again and I yelled: Look! I don't suck, I blow!
My sister: Grandma, isn't John Barrowman fit?
Grandma: Well, I'm sure he does a lot of exercise.
My history teacher: On Monday night there's Eastenders, Coronation Street and Glee - what more could you want?
A girl in my class: A life?
My dad asked my little sister if she wanted to go to a university in London.
My sister: I don't want to go to London!
My sister: Because it's full of... Komodo Dragons.
My politics tutor: Jack Straw is the Home Secretary.
A boy in my class: I don't like him.
My tutor: Don't tell me - you think he's a nonce.
The boy: Nah, I just think he's a bit of a prick.
My politics tutor: Does anyone know what a quango is?
A boy in my class: Like an immigrant?
My little sister was talking about how her and her friends were playing house while me and my dad's girlfriend were talking about how liberal it was with divorce etc. Anyway, one of her friends had to pretend to be married to my sister, so we were joking about how modern it was having a lesbian couple adopting a child.
My dad: In the nicest possible way, I don't want to have someone's sexuality shoved down my throat!
I was going to make drinks for everyone.
Me: Where's the jug!
My little sister: There they are! *Points at my chest*
Me to my ten year old sister: Put that blowtorch down!
(She was pretending that it was a gun)
My sister: What day is Easter Sunday?
In English a girl is eating a cookie.
My friend: Is it hard?
Me: That's what she said.
The girl didn't get it so my friend has to explain it to her. Then she goes to put the wrapper in the bin and says (slightly snobbishly): It wasn't hard, it was floppy!
I was at my grandparents and we were raising a toast by gently banging our glasses together.
My little sister: I haven't banged you yet.
I was in a tropical greenhouse and there was this statue of a naked boy which my little sister pointed out. She was also holding a bag of duck food.
Me (jokingly): Do you want to give him one?
I was talking about a piece of duck food, honestly!
Today I was ranting about my mum giving me 'the talk' even after all the sex ed that we've had in school.
Me: ...I've had it rammed into me since I was 13 to use contraception!!!
A guy in my politics class: Do they speak British in the Falklands?
My little sister: She called me a lezzer and a prostitute so you can see how that hurt my feelings.
Me: I hate flies! One's just fallen in my tea!
Nat: I'm a really nice person.
Me: *bursts out laughing*
My sister: Oh, your house looks a bit different dad!
Dad: It's the wrong one.
My friend told that she slept with a boy.
My friend: I can't really say much more because my parents are home and if they overhear I'm fucked.
Me: I think it's a bit late for that.
Me: It looks like either a pig or a duck - I haven't decided yet.
A girl in my class at college (talking about her pet tarantula): Anyone want to see a picture of my spider?
One of the boys: Was that a euphemism?
My little sister comes downstairs crying:
My sister: My bra strap just pinged and it really hurts!
My dad: Aww. It hurts a lot when that happens.
His girlfriend: How would you know?
My little sister: Look! I've got candy floss on my fingers!
My other sister: So. I did it first!
My little sister: Yeah, but I've got more!
Me: At your ages you should be arguing over who's got the biggest boobs, not who's got the most candy floss on your fingers.
My sister: I hate you! I'm never coming to your funeral... ever! *storms out*
Me: ...I only plan on having one...
(For the record, Norm Lewis is a Broadway star who was Javert in Les Miserables as well as King Triton from The Little Mermaid and I was listening to the soundtrack - the song 'Storm at Sea' to be precise).
One of the sailors: King Triton must be angry!
Me: Yes, Jean Valjean has escaped again!
Annie: What most people don't realize is when Javert jumped into the Seine River he actually transmorphed into King Triton.
Me: You always contradict people!
My little sister: No I don't!
My little sister: Can I have a penguin?
My stepmum: Well I think you're both crazy!
My stepmum: You, wearing that hoodie in this weather!
Me: You're wearing one.
My stepmum: *looks down* Oh yeah.
Me: Did you know that eating chocolate makes you feel as good as looking at pictures of dead people?
Someone I know: And I'd need to buy new clothes.
Me: But you've already got loads, can't you go without buying new ones for a while?
Their reply: Yes, but what about when I run out?
Me: You do realize that you can wear clothes more than once?
My dad (looking in my Grandad's tool shed and pulling out an electric screw driver): Could I borrow this dad?
My grandad: Be very careful with that Chris, it's very sharp.
My dad: Dad! I'm forty-five!
My sister turned her plate round at dinner and my dad looked at her strangely and turns it back.
My sister: What?! I had to get a better look at the situation!
My stepmum was telling me on the phone when she was at work about a really good website that does gothic clothing.
My stepmum: I've found a really great website! It's called KinkyAngels.net!
*her work colleges burst out laughing*
My stepmum: It's a clothing website! I swear it's a clothing website!
My stepmum: Where are the knives! I bet they're staring up at me going: 'hello!'
I offered to mend a hole in my dad's trouser pocket and he asked me to bring them downstairs.
Dad: You! Take my trousers down!
My stepmum: We're not that sort of family!
Nick: Is he American or is he normal?
Someone mentioned the film The Black Swan and said that they found it boring.
Maya: Yeah, I thought it was about a black person wanting to be a swan.
Someone points out a ladybird on the table.
Maya: Oh yeah, they turn into butterflies don't they?
Maya: If they can't get water in Africa, why don't we just sent alcohol?
Zoe: You need to improve your dishion - dicon - DICTION!
I told a friend how women crave chocolate at their time of the month.
My friend (pretending to be a vampire): I crave blood!
Me (shocked): Nick!
Nick: What? * realizes what he's just said* Damn! I am so sorry!
Maya: That's a big pigeon.
Tristan: Maya, that's a seagull...
Maya: I just found out today that sheep don't lay eggs.
Maya: Do rabbits have a penis?
Me: I got 69 for one of my assignments!
Mum: What's 69?
Me: *bursts out laughing*
Me: But I can't throw it away! It's a buckle! It... buckles!
My friend Audrey shows me the front cover to a book about Joseph Merrick.
Me: Dr. Treves looks like Dr. Treves!!!
Me: You two were inseparable!
My friend: Until we separated.
Me: I've finished reading my book!
Ian: Was it a picture book?
Me: I just saw a hedgehog!
Steph: Who's having sex with a hedgehog?!
At a dinner party one of my dad and stepmum's friends was telling us about her chipmonks.
Their friend: ...and you're not supposed to get them wet-
My stepmum: Oooo, like gremlins!
Me: I'm emailing it because it would cost a lot to post it to Africa.
Maya: Do they even have computers in Africa?
Me: I've got a book about Joseph Merrick and it's signed!
*she sees that it's been signed by one of the authors*
Maya: Oh, I thought you meant that it's been signed by Joseph Merrick.
Fatima: Wanking makes you less intelligent.
Maya: Oh! Is that why I'm stupid!
(BTW, I don't think that Maya is stupid, it was just funny the way she came out with that line).
Maya: I just got off the phone with a friend, she tried to convince me that Titanic is real!
Tristan: But Maya, it is...
Maya: Really? I thought it was just a film.
I was having a drink with two of my friends (one of them is gay).
Some drunk guy: You're gay!
My friend: ...I know...
My sister: So have you had sex yet?
Me: I'm saving until I'm engaged because I'm a good kitten.
My sister: So you're keeping your pussy under control?
There was a model of an Egyptian statue on the stairs.
My sister: What the hell is that?! Oh, it's just an Egyptian.
My other sister (later): Mum, the dog's done a shit on the stairs! Oh, it's just an Egyptian.
Me: That sounded a little racist...
Maya: Are ponies real?
Me: Yes, they are.
Maya: Are they in the same family as unicorns?
Me: I think I may have a few hipster tendencies.
Steph: You don't say.
We saw a heron.
Maya: Look, it's a dodo!
Me: *wearing my My Little Pony t-shirt* You can't always tell bronies. For example, if you didn't already know, you wouldn't guess I was a brony.
I was building a model shrine out of jenga blocks.
Ed: It's a shrine for your cult!
Me: You're not allowed to say that word, they're called 'New Religious Movements'.
Ed: This is Jenga, not an academic subject!
Me: They eat guinea pigs in Ecuador.
Maya: Yeah, but that's Africa.
Me: No, it's not.
Maya: Where is it then?
Me: South America.
Maya: Still sounds like an Africa place.
Bamsey was talking about bring her cat into the singing society rehearsal.
Bamsey: Then you can all look at my pussy!
Me: It's going to be a little strange singing at Sitting for Peace with this huge cut on my face.
Maya: Just tell them you were helping refugees in Uganda and you got hit in the face by a pineapple.
Me: I like 'Shut Up and Drive' by Rhianna.
Dad: I would have thought it would be a bit too mainstream for you.
Me: ...Did you just call me a hipster?
When I go out to the pub it's a big deal.
Me (to my friend): Hey, I'm out!
My friend (who's bi): Yeah, me too.
One of my flatmates: Are you cosplaying Morticia Addams?
Me: This is my normal dress...
My boyfriend's phone goes.
Me: I hope that's not your wife.
Ed: Which one?
Me: I'm going to wait until I'm twenty-five before learning to drive unless I get pregnant.
Ed: Me too.
Me: You're getting pregnant?