The Skinny Tortilla
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Joined 09-07-08, id: 1687818, Profile Updated: 05-01-14
Author has written 1 story for Ranger's Apprentice.

Book Recommendations

The Door Within Tril. - Wayne Thomas Batson

Bloody Jack Adventures Ser. - L.A. Meyer

The Protector of the Small books- Tamora Pierce

Elissa's Quest - Erica Verillo

Maximum Ride Ser. - James Patterson

Sisters of the Sword Ser. - Maya Snow

The Ranger's Apprentice ser. - John Flanagan

The Song of the Lioness Quartet- Tamora Pierce

Rhapsody: Child of Blood ser. - Elizabeth Haydon

Abhorsen Tril. - Garth Nix

The Hero and the Crown - Robin McKinley

The Blue Sword - Robin McKinley

The City of Ember ser. - Jeanne DuPrau

Graceling - Kristin Cashore

Midnight Rider - Joan Hiatt Harlow

Pirate Curse - Kai Meyer

Riding Freedom - Pam Munoz Ryan

This Present Darkness - Frank Peretti

Piercing the Darkness- Frank Peretti

Isle of Swords - Wayne Thomas Batson

Stoneheart tril. - Charlie Fletcher

Uglies ser. - Scott Westerfield

Nobody's Princess ser. - Esther M. Friesner

Fortress in the Eye of Time - C.J. Cherryh

The Strongbow Saga - Judson Roberts

Beka Cooper tril. - Tamora Pierce

The Oath - Frank Peretti

The Wheel of Time ser. - Robert Jordan

Monster - Frank Peretti

The Gallagher Girls ser. - Ally Carter

The Mortal Instruments ser. - Cassandra Clare

Claidi Journals ser. - Tanith Lee

Middleworld - J & P Voelkel

Beyond the Reflections Edge - Bryan Davis

Eon: Dragoneye Reborn - Alison Goodman

The Naming - Alison Croggon

Gone - Michael Grant

Fablehaven - Brandon Mull

The Highwayman's Footsteps - Nicola Morgan

Water Shaper - Laura Williams McCaffrey

Inkheart - Cornelia Funke

Runemarks - Joanne Harris

Waiting for Normal - Leslie Connor

The Cry of the Icemark - Stuart Hill

DragonQuest - Donita K. Paul

Green Rider - Kristen Britain

First Rider's Call - Kristen Britain

The High King's Tomb - Kristen Britain

Willow King - Chris Platt

The Singer of All Songs - Kate Constable

East - Edith Pattou

Ophelia - Lisa Klein

The Name of the Wind - Patrick Rothfuss

Random Quizzes! :D

1. YOUR REAL NAME:

Alyx

2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME:(first 3 letters of real name plus izzle):

Aly-izzle

3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (fave color and fave animal):

Black Horse

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, and current street name):

Rose Riverbend

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, last 3 letters of mom's maiden name):

Coralkus

6. YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink):

Gray Sprite

7. YOUR ARAB NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, any letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your mom's maiden name, 3rd letter of you dad's middle name, 1st letter of a sibling's first name, last letter of your mom's middle name):

Lrsahje

8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother's middle name):

Rae

9. YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one your pets):

Black Maggie


1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4. Quote it. Now!

"pig. Then smashed open his skull. I can still feel his" (that was from Brisingr...0.0)

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What's there?

My brother's desk

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?

NCIS

4. Without looking, guess what time it is:

8:30

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?

8:02

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?

The clock ticking (creepy...)

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?

About 2 hours ago. I was feeding and watering my horse.

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?

The ff Ranger's Revenge

9. What are you wearing?

A white Roxy tank top and my pajama shorts

10. Did you dream last night?

No, I was way too tired

11. When did you last laugh?

Sometime around 5:00

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?

Lot's of odd pictures and a map and a list of the states and their capitals other info like that...

13. Seen anything weird lately?

Nope

14. What do you think of this quiz?

uh, it asks really random questions...

15. What is the last film you saw?

Saving Private Ryan

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?

I would buy a pair of x-country boots for my horse, an ipod you can watch videos on, a touchscreen cell phone, and I'd have the vet come out to check Houston's legs (does that count? lol)

17. Tell me something about you that I don't know:

I just discovered I am 7th grade lvl in math computation (and i'm in high school! :s)

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?

Make everyone a Christian

19. Do you like to dance?

Ummmm, not really

20. Obama:

Ugh, I despise him

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?

Hmmm, too far in the future

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?

Same as above

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?

Yeah, maybe Ireland or something like that

24. What do you want to say to God when you reach the pearly gates?

Are there horses here?


Random Stuff to Post on Your Profile

(\)_(/)
(='.'=) This is Fluffy. Copy Fluffy onto your profile and help him achieve world domination, and come join the dark side! --(we have cookies!!)--
(")_(")

The color blue reminds me of chocolate and Edward Cullen. I like cheese. I have seen purple cows. If two gooses are geese, then why aren't two moose meese, or when two foots are feet, why aren't two footballs feetball? Milk tastes good. When I laugh, I sound like my gay uncle. is it possible to fall off the earth? People call me crazy, which I am, but I'm also random! If you're random and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile, Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss! (and add something random)

If you sometimes talk to yourself copy and paste this onto your profile

Copy and paste this into your profile if you and your BFFs watch movies just to laugh at them and make fun of them.

If you think that Writer's Block sucks, copy and paste this into your profile.

Paste this in your profile if you're a procrastination addict.

If you like smiley faces, then copy this into your profile:D

When life gives you lemons, make grapefruit juice, and let life wonder how the heck you did that!

If you are a total clutz copy this into your profile.

If you hate those irritating mosquitoes giving you mosquito bites copy this in your profile

If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile.

If you like chocolate as much as I do, copy this in your profile.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?


If you read people's profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile

If you are a person who acts friendly but has an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination, copy and paste this into your profile.

If someone actually thinks that you are evil and/or plotting their death, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think that being unique is cooler than being cool, copy this on your profile.

I'm bored...If you're bored then paste this in your profile and let the world know you have nothing to do...

If you have ever laughed at something that you wouldn't normally laugh at because it was really late at night, copy this into your profile

If you've ever walked into a doorway that you could've clearly dodged, you just weren't paying close enough attention, copy and paste this on your profile.

If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both...copy and paste this on your profile.

If you or your best friend is insane copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you hate those obnoxious preppy people PLEASE copy this in your profile.

If you and your friends have a nickname, title, or anything else for each other, copy and paste this in your profile.

If you've ever wondered what you are like in another dimension, copy and paste this in your profile.

Even when you can’t see him GOD is there! If you believe in GOD put this in your profile.

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree, copy this and put it in your profile.

If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for absolutely no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.

If keyboards hate you copy and paste this into your profile! (Especially the FREAKING CAPS LOCK!)

If you have ever tripped over air, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever tripped when there was a "watch your step" sign copy and paste this into your profile.


Here's a joke...

there are 3 men who need to get across a lake...

the 1st one prays to God asking for the strength to get across...

he gets big muscles and swims across...

but almost dies 5 times...

the 2nd 1 prays to God for the strength and the tools he needs to get across...

he gets his big muscles and boat and rows across...

but he almost dies 3 times...

the 3rd 1 prays to God, for the strength, tools, and the brains...

he turns into a woman...

walks 4 yards...

and crosses the bridge.


"All that is gold does not glitter,

not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

a light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

the crownless again shall be king."

J.R.R Tolkien


Ways to Annoy people at the cinema:

Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"

Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.

Clap when the good guy gets killed.

During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"

Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, "Watch out!"

Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.

Tell the man selling popcorn that the bathroom is flooding.

Yell out what is going to happen.

Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman! Hahaha!" and run away.

Say that they cannot sit next to you because your invisible friend already is.

Dress for every movie as if it were the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Use empty chairs next to you as catapults with candy. Aim at specific people behind you and see if you can hit anyone in the back row.

Wear 3D glasses. Complain loudly how bad the effects are.

Bring a flashlight. In the middle of the film do shadow puppets on the ceiling.

Bring a remote control. Complain that you can't change the channel.

Sit front row, the minute the movie starts run out screaming.

Bring a beach ball. Toss it around.

Try to start a wave.

Become a bookie. Take bets on who will die first.

Sit in the back and throw eggs at the projection window.

Every time someone curses cover your ears and scream, "No profanity!"

Sing with the theme music.

Bring and use your own air freshener.

At the ticket booth, request tickets for really old movies, "I'll have two tickets for the Goonies."

Throw spit wads on the screen. Try throwing them on the upper part of the screen so they can't get scraped off.

Pass around a collection plate and see if anyone contributes.

Point a laser pointer at the screen. Give the audience a laser light show.

Bring a book and a bright light. Start reading the book with the light on. When someone asks you to turn out the light, yell, "Shh, I'm trying to read!"

Use binoculars. Stare at the audience rather than the movie.

Bring a Nintendo laser gun. Shoot at the screen.

Clap loudly every time a person walks into the theater late.

When someone kicks the back of your chair, scream, "Ahhh, whiplash!"

Ask what the theater's return policy on popcorn is.

Ask the person at the ticket window, "Do you work here?"

Start a standing ovation at the end of the movie.

Quote all dialogue 4 seconds after it is said on the screen.

Get up frequently and leave the room while singing "Let's all go to the Lobby to get ourselves a treat"

Every time there is a gun shot scream, "Hit the floor!", jump on the floor, and cover your head.

Wear one of those "cat in the hat" top hats.

When someone walks by you in the aisle scream, "Ahhhhhh! Bad Touch!"

Play musical chairs, getting up frequently and moving right next to someone sitting by them self.

Bring your own beanbag chair and sit in the aisle.

During a love scene, stand up and run to the screen shouting "Hooters!"

Before the movie begins, tape fart cushions to various chairs in the theater room.

Bring a portable air popper, pop your own popcorn.

Bring a water gun and shoot it at anyone who begins talking then say very loudly, "SHH!"

Before the commercials start and people are just coming in and shout so that people outside can hear, "I'M SO VERY SORRY! YOU'RE TOO LATE!"

Tie a cardboard box around your waist and walk up and down the aisles shouting "Get your popcorn, peanuts!"

Cough really loudly right at the most important part of the movie, so nobody can hear it, like when the killer’s name is going to be said.

Laugh hysterically during the sad parts in the movie, cry during the funny ones.

Bring a pager or cellphone and set them off every 5 minutes, you can also set off a watch alarm if you have a loud one.

Say "Shhhhh" every 5 minutes.

Pass by a room that’s showing a movie you’ve already seen, put your head into the room, and scream the ending.


If you have ever ran into a mirror, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of you because of its effects copy this into your profile.

If you have ever run into a tree, copy this to your profile!

If you have ever been hit in the face with a ball and started laughing maniacally, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever laughed maniacally, choked and/or gagged from lack of oxygen, and then fainted dramatically, copy and paste this onto onto your profile.(nix the fainting and u got me in a nutshell)

If you have ever stayed up for over 40 hours continuously just because you frickin' COULD, copy this into your profile.

If you believe that preps travel in packs then place this on your profile.

If you hear voices in your head, copy and paste this onto your profile!

When Life gives you lemons, squirt them in Life's eye, and see how much Life likes lemons then.

--Ninety-five percent of teenagers are concerned about being popular. If you are one of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list: Queen S of Randomness 016, Queen B of Randomness 016, AnimieKittyCaffe, The Gypsy Pirate Queen, That Bloody Demon, The Astrology Nerd, Shadow929, Crazy Billie Joe Loving Freak, Yavie Aelienel, Hyperactively Bored, Spymaster E, Shanny-Boo, Gem W, Brown-eyed angelofmusic, piratesswriter/fairy to be, Bara-Minomoto, Em Quagmire, Buffy The Mary-Sue Slayer, Random Little Writer, SamanthaFantasyFan, EdwardAddict, Supergirrl, Elemental-ANimal, Mother Nature's Daughter, Hikuya, Briar Elwood, Megan Cooper, xxTunstall Chickxx, rach ratty, Lithelion


If you have ever slapped your self on the head and/or banged your head on a table for no reason put this on your profile.

If you have ever want to scream to the world that you hate/like someone copy and paste this into your profile.

you may think you’ve won. But you have to know, I can run. Really fast

98 percent of teenagers do or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy & paste this in your profile.

If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, copy this into your profile.

If you are the kind of person that gets really excited when you get, like, two reviews, copy this into your profile.

If you think rock paper scissors solves everything then copy and paste this in your profile.

If at one time you misspelled or forgot how to spell a word less than four letters, copy and paste this onto your profile.

93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile and add your name to the list: Sunlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Moonlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Evil Genius of the COCA, Invader Miley Phantom, dAnnYsGiRl777, BloodySalvation, Lady Lost-A-Lot, bellabookworm9, Bella Masen Cullen, Vampire Scooby, Alannaswarrior, SpottedLilly, Alleyanna Cullen, hugs.4.all.the.emo.boyz, WritingRocks6, GlindaFied26, XxXpurplelilyxXx, Bookluvrxoxo, Daydreamer897, The Friendly Chupacabra, Shorty and KG Inc, Ice wolf13, Lithelion.


If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile, and add your name to this list: danyan, Zutara Lover, Black'n'red'Butterfly, Enrica(real name)(i always change my penname)(tehehehe) I'veComeToTakeYourCheese, Vampire Scooby, Alannaswarrior, SpottedLilly (about 24 hours now not counting the few hours of sleep), Alleyanna Cullen,hugz.4.all.the.emo.boyz, WritingRocks6 (hoo yeah), GlindaFied26, XxXpurplelilyxXx Bookluvrxoxo, Daydreamer897, The Friendly Chupacabra, Shorty and KG Inc.(:D), Ice wolf13, Lithelion.

If you're hyper, like being hyper, and are hyper all the time, COPY THIS INTO YOUR PROFILE!

Admitting you are weird means you are normal. Saying that you are normal is odd. If you admit that you are weird and like it, copy this onto your profile.

I like cheese. I have seen purple cows. If two gooses are geese, then why aren't two moose meese, or when two foots are feet, why aren't two footballs feetball?

People call me crazy, but I'm just random! If you're random and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile!

Peanut Butter goes with jelly. It also goes with chocolate. Jelly goes with bread, and bread crumbs are good on chicken. Chicken is good with ketchup. Ketchup is good on a hamburger. Hamburgers are sold at McDonald's. McDonald's is not healthy for you. If you like all or most of the stuff that I said here, copy and paste this onto you page. If you don't, copy and paste anyway but stop eating at McDonald's because it will make you fat.

My best friend is insane! If you agree, or if you have an insane friend, then copy this into your profile.

If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you've ever walked into a wall because you were looking sideways at a friend, copy this into your profile.

If you have more than 100 books in your room, copy this into your profile.

If you've ever laughed for 10 minutes straight, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you constantly forget what you're saying or are about to say, and i mean CONSTANTLY, copy this into your profile.

If you think that people on commercials talk funny or use phrases no human beings would ever say, copy this into your profile.

If you talk back to the TV, copy this into your profile.

"God made man, and then he said, "I can do better than that," and made woman."


When she walks away from you mad===[ Follow her]
When she stare's at your lips===[ Kiss her ]
When she pushes you or hits you===[ Grab her and don’t let go ]
When she start's cursing at you===[ Kiss her and tell her you love her ]
When she's quiet===[ Ask her what’s wrong]
When she ignore's you===[ Give her your attention ]
When she pulls away==[ Pull her back ]
When you see her at her worst===[ Tell her she's beautiful ]
When you see her start crying==[Just hold her and don’t say a word ]
When you see her walking==[ Sneak up and hug her waist from behind ]
When she's scared===[ Protect her ]
When she lays her head on your shoulder===[ Tilt her head up and kiss her ]
When she steal's your favorite hat==[ Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night]
When she teases you===[ Tease her back and make her laugh ]
When she doesn’t answer for a long time===[ reassure her that everything is okay ]
When she looks at you with doubt==[ Back yourself up with the TRUTH ]
When she says that she likes you==[ she really does more than you could understand ]
When she grabs at your hands===[ Hold hers and play with her fingers ]
When she bumps into you===[ bump into her back and make her laugh ]
When she tells you a secret===[ keep it safe and untold ]
When she looks at you in your eyes===[ don’t look away until she does ]
WHEN SHE MISSES YOU===[ SHES HURTING INSIDE]
When you break her heart===[ the pain NEVER really goes away ]
When she says its over===[ she STILL wants you to be hers ]
- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her
- Call her before you sleep and after you wake up
- Treat her like she's all that matters to you
- Let her know she's important
- Kiss her in the pouring rain
- When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;"Who's ass am I kicking today baby?


You know you live in 2008 when...

1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.

2.) You haven't played solitaire with real cards for years

3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they don't have a screen name or my space

4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV

6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.

7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.

8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.

9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.

10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.

11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly.

12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did.


Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. If you agree, copy and past this to your profile.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

We sometimes take English for granted, but if we examine its paradoxes we find that: quicksand takes you down slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

I think if I have a good breakfast, I could go without food for the rest of the day. I think that until about lunchtime.

How to Tell if You're a Writer

-If you talk to yourself.
-If you talk to yourself about talking to yourself (i.e. ‘I wonder why I talk to myself so much?’)
-If, when you talk to yourself, you sometimes speak as if talking to another person (i.e. ‘Okay, so have you ever noticed that the word ‘deliver’ could mean removing someone’s liver?’)
-If, after uttering a profound piece of wisdom like that above, you stare at the cookie in your hand in awe and say, ‘Wow, this is good stuff for sugar highs!’
-If you live off of sugar and caffeine.
-If people start to notice that you tend to check your e-mail every day for a week, then suddenly disappear off the face of the planet.
-If your e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random.
-If, when replying to someone else’s e-mail, you are sometimes so random that you fail to address the original message altogether.
-If, no matter where you are in your room, you never have to so much as get up to reach a pen/pencil and paper.
-If the letters are starting to wear off on the keys of your keyboard.
-If people think you might have A.D.D.
-If you think it’d be cool to have A.D.D.
-If you start constantly talking in third person, past tense.
-If you think about making lists like this, and start giggling for no ‘apparent’ reason.
-If your friends don’t even bother to look funny at you anymore when you start giggling for no apparent reason.
-And finally, the number one way to tell if you’re a good writer: If you failed English 101.


A teacher was winding up a discussion in her fourth grad calls on the importance of curiosity.

"Where would we be today if no one had ever been curious?"

One of her students piped up,

"In the Garden on Eden?"


The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Flying is easy. All you have to do is throw yourself at the ground and miss!

Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious. If you so totally agree with that, then copy and paste this onto your profile.

92 percent of teenagers would die if Abercrombie and Finch told them it was uncool to breathe. If you're part of the 8 percent that would be laughing your ass off at them, copy this and paste it to your profile.

If you've ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder

Admitting you are weird means you are normal. Saying that you are normal is odd. If you admit that you are weird and like it, copy this onto your profile.

If you have ever run into a door, mirror, or wall, copy this onto your profile.


If you were insane, crazy, and/or random, before being crazy, insane, and/or random was cool, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you want to fire and/or sue those bloody weather men for giving you false hope so often (for rainy days or something)...Copy and paste this to your profile, so we know who to call when we lead an angry mob :)

Two dead boys

One bright day in the middle of the night,

Two dead boys got up to fight.

Back to back they faced each other,

Drew their swords and shot each other.

A deaf policeman heard the noise

And ran to save the two dead boys.

And if you don’t believe it’s true,

Go ask the blind man, he saw it too.


Girls
are like
apples on trees.
The best ones are
at the top of the tree.The
boys don't want to reach
for the good ones because they
are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples
from the ground that aren't as good,
but easy. So the apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just
have to wait for the right boy to
come along, the one who's
brave enough to
climb all
the way
to the top
of the tree


Find the guy that calls you beautiful instead of hot,

who calls you back when you hang up on him,

who'll lay under the stars for hours and listen to your heart beat.

Or will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the guy that kisses your forhead,

who keeps your picture in his wallet,

who wants to show you off to the world even when your in sweatpants,

who holds your hand in front of all his friends,

who thinks your beautiful without makeup,

one who is constantly telling you of how much he cares and how is lucky to have you,

THE one who turns to his friends and says THATS HER!


If you have ever loved some one that isn't real, copy paste this into your profile

If you think that bunnies are going to take over the world, copy paste this into your profile

If you have ever stayed up all night reading fanfiction, copy paste this into your profile

My friend's the kind of person that breaks the silence at a funeral by screaming "KUNG POW CHICKEN

BRB, I'm busy trying to jump off the roof with the kitchen broom.

-Taste the rainbow- Eat CRAYONS

-BE nice to losers. one day they might be cool!

- There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

-Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. -

- What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and we're inside worrying about a stupid lightbulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code too.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease let me change the lightbulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed anything, and make one more perimeter patrol to make sure no one has taken advantage of this situation.

Jack Russel Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: What lightbulb? There's a lightbulb? I'm sorry, but I can't see it.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or, "We don't need no stinkin light bulb."

Greyhoud: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Austrailian Shepherd: First I'll put all the lightbulbs in little circles...

Poodle: I'll just blow in the border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

How Many Cats Does It Take To Screw In A Light Bulb?

All Cats: Cats do not change lightbulbs. People change lightbulbs. So the real question is,

"How long will it be before I can expect light, dinner, and a massage?"

Which all proves, once again,

DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF


- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

- Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

- The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

- He who laughs last didn't get it.

- When there's a will, I want to be in it.

-Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

-The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

-Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

- Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

If you have ever gone to the mall just to mess with the people there, copy paste this into your profile

if you have ever done something stupid at school, copy paste this into your profile

If you HATE Twilight copy and paste this to your profile

If you turn your head to the right and see a pirate, copy paste this into your profile

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree, copy this and put it in your profile.


FRIENDS/BEST FRIENDS

FRIENDS: Will comfort you when he rejects you.

BEST FRIENDS: Will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"

FRIENDS: Will be there for you when he breaks up with you.

BEST FRIENDS: Will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."

FRIENDS: Helps you up when you fall.

BEST FRIENDS: Keeps on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb ass?"

FRIENDS: Helps you find your prince.

BEST FRIENDS: Kidnaps him and brings him to you.

FRIENDS: Will ask you if you're okay when you're crying.

BEST FRIENDS: Will laugh at you and say, "Ha Ha, Loser!"

FRIENDS: Will offer you a soda.

BEST FRIENDS: Will dump theirs on you.

FRIENDS: Will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month.

BEST FRIENDS: Will throw you a tampon and push you in.

FRIENDS: Gives you their umbrella in the rain.

BEST FRIENDS: Takes yours and says, "Run - beep - run!"

FRIENDS: Will help you move.

BEST FRIENDS: Will help you move the bodies.

FRIENDS: Will bail you out of jail.

BEST FRIENDS: Would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.

BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.

FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.

BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!

FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.

BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you sayin "DAMN!" we messed up!

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.

BEST FRIENDS: Wont tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore.

FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.

BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.

FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.

BEST FRIENDS: Loses your stuff and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."

FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.

BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.

BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you

FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.

BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."

FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.

BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.

FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college. (aka: drinking buddies)

BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.

BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say "Girl drink the rest of that ! You know we don't waste!

FRIENDS: Would read ignore this.

BEST FRIENDS: Will repost this crap!

There are people in Africa that can't afford sarcasm, and yet, you abuse it.

Being mature is overrated.

Being weird is like being normal, only better.

I see regular people!

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.

Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not too bright.

Boys are like Slinky's... useless, but fun to watch fall downstairs

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is full.

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

Life isn't passing me by, its trying to run me over.

When you get caught looking at him just remember he was looking back.

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject

When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.

Silence is golden, duct tape is silver

Make a man a fire, keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, keep him warm for life

Officer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then watch the world wonder how you did it.

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk

I'm not littering...I'm donating to the Earth

I've got A.D.D and magic markers, oh the thrills I will have!

Life is like a pack of gum... I've yet to figure out why.

Be insane... because well behaved girls never made history.

You call me a B--ch well a B--ch is a female dog. A dog barks. Bark is on trees. Trees are a part of nature. Nature is beautiful. So thanks for the compliment :D

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?

Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it

My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

Never knock on Death’s door, ring the doorbell and run away, he hates that.

Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out

Last night I looked up at the stars and matched each star to a reason I loved you. I was doing fine till I ran out of stars.

To the world, you are just one person, but to one person, you are the world

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.


WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls, and off the occasional cliff

I’m not afraid of Death, what’s it gonna do kill me?

It’s always the last place you look. Of course it is why would I keep looking after I’ve found it?

Person #1: Happiness is just around the corner!
Person #2: Too bad the world is round!

Growing old is mandatory...growing up is optional...

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three

I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.

We fall for stupid boys, we make lots of dumb mistakes, we like to act stupid, talk really fast, and laugh really loud. But us teenage girls our good at 2 things: Staying Strong, and Being Ourselves.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it

Life was so simple when boys had cooties!

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

I'm not random, i just have many tho- OH A SQUIRREL!

Elmo knows where you live!

You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?


An apple away keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

I stay as confused as a gangster with a skateboard

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends

I ran with scissors, and lived!

The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...
Post this on your profile if you hate racism.


"Wal-Mart, do they like, sell walls there?"

When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.

I don't obsess! I think intensely.

It's funny until someone gets hurt, then it's hilarious!

Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with. (no u sleep in the morning!!)

When you have kids of your own, you forgive your parents.

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today; it's already tomorrow in Australia.

Don't drink and drive. You might spill your beer.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good...

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Suicide is Man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me, I quit.'

A day without sunshine is...night.

When life hands you a lemon, squirt life in the eye and run like heck.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a b--ch.

DO NOT HIT KIDS!! No, seriously. They have guns now.

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Myer hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap".
(And that would be how?)
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost".
(But, it's just a suggestion).
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down".
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating".
(And you thought?...)
On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body".
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness".
(And...I'm taking this because?)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".
(As opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor:"Not to be used for the other use".
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts".
(Talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".


(this one's hilarious!)

this is this cat

this is is cat

this is how cat

this is to cat

this is keep cat

this is a cat

this is retard cat

this is busy cat

this is for cat

this is forty cat

this is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down and I bet you can't resist passing it on.


Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?

Boy: No

Girl: Do you like me?

Boy: No

Girl: Do you want me?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you cry if I left?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you live for me?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you do anything for me?

Boy: No

Girl: Choose--me or your life

Boy: My life

The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...

The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.

The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.

The reason I don't want you is because I need you.

The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.

The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.

The reason why I'm not willing to do anything for you is because I would do everything for you.

The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life

...MY SECRET DON'T READ

1 I need to tell you a secret LO0K AT 5
2 The answer is L0OK AT 11
3 Dont get mad L0OK AT 15
4 Calm down don't be mad L0OK AT 13
5 First L0OK AT 2
6 Dont be that angry L0OK AT 12
7 i just wanted to say hi
8 What I wanted to say is LOOK AT 14
9 Be patient L0OK AT 4
10 I'm doing this 4 the last time L0OK AT 7
11 dont get mad when I say this L0OK AT 6
12 Sorry L0OK AT 8
13 Don't get mad L0OK AT 10
14 I dont know how to say this L0OK AT 3
15 You must be really mad L0OK AT NUMBER 9


A girl and guy were speeding over 100mph on a motorcycle

Girl: Slow down, I'm scared!

Guy: No, this is fun.

Girl: No, it's not. Please, I'm scared.

Guy: Then tell me you love me.

Girl: I love you, now slow down!

Guy: Now give me a big hug.

She gives him a big hug

Guy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on yourself, it's bothering me.

In the newspaper the next day, a motorcycle had crashed into a building because of brake failure. Two people were on it and only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized his brake wasn't working but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead, he had her hug him and tell him one last time that she loved him. Then he had her put on his helmet so that she could live.


Things I felt I should repost. Warning: May cause tears.

Mummy...Johnny brought a gun to school
He told his friends that it was cool
And when he pulled the trigger back
It shot with a great crack
Mummy I was a good girl
I did what I was told
I went to school, I got straight A's, I even got the gold
But mummy when I went to school that day, I never said goodbye
I'm sorry mummy I had to go, but mommy please don't cry
When Johnny shot the gun he hit me and another
And all because he got the gun from his older brother
Mummy please tell daddy that I love him very much
And please tell Chris, my boyfriend, that it wasn't just a crush
And tell my little sister that she is the only one now
And tell my dear sweet grandmother that I'll be waiting for her now
And tell my wonderful friends that they were always the best
Mummy I'm not the first I'm no better than the rest
Mummy tell my teachers I won't show up for class
And never to forget this and please don't let this pass
Mummy why'd it have to be me no one deserves this
Mummy warn the others, mummy I left without a kiss
And mummy tell the doctors I know they really did try
I think I even saw a doctor trying not to cry
Mummy I'm slowly dying with a bullet in my chest
But mummy please remember I'm in heaven with the rest
Mummy I ran as fast as I could when I heard that crack
Mummy listen to me if you would
I wanted to go to college
I wanted to try things that were new
I guess I'm not going with daddy
On that trip to the new zoo
I wanted to get married
I wanted to have a kid
I wanted to be an actress
Mummy I wanted to live
But mummy I must go now
The time is getting late
Mummy tell my Chris
I'm sorry but I had to cancel the date
I love you mummy I always have
I know you know it's true
Mummy all I wanted to say is "mummy I love you"
In memory of the Columbian students that were lost
Please if you would
Pass this around
I'd be happy if you could
Don't smash this on the ground
If you pass this on
Maybe people will cry
Just keep this in heart
For the people that didn't get to say "goodbye"

Now you have two choices
1) repost and show you care
2)ignore it and you have just proven you have a low-down, cold-heart
(Please just copy and paste this on to your site and show that you care)


15 Things to do when your in Wal-mart!

1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.

4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

10. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look"

12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"

14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

15.Grab a lot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting "Go, Pikachu, Go"


This is weird, but interesting! If you can raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed erveylteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! Paste this to your profile if you can read this!


I am the girl...that doesn't go to school dances, or games, and when I do go, I sit in a corner and read a book. I am the girl that people look through when I say something. I am the girl that spends most of her free time reading, writing, or doing other activities that most teenagers wouldn't call normal. I am the girl that people call weird, and a freak either behind my back or to my face. I am the girl that doesn't spend all her time on MySpace, or talking to a girlfriend on a cellphone or regular phone. I am the girl that hasn't been asked out ever. I am the girl that has stopped to smell the flowers and jump and splash in the rain. I am the girl that loves rain and storms more than a sunny day, and not because she can't go out, but because she does go out. I am the girl that plays with stuffed animals despite her age. I am the girl that prefers novels to manga. I am the girl that doesn't try to hide her inner child.

LIVE TO LOVE AND LOVE TO LIVE!

(and don't forget chocolate)

Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Fallen by Confusedknight reviews
Kicked out of Page training, Kel becomes entangled in a bitter struggle for the suffering people of Scanra. Four years later she returns to Tortall, a stranger to those who once knew her, a stranger who has not forgotten the promises she made...
Protector of the Small Quartet - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 83 - Words: 424,488 - Reviews: 11827 - Favs: 2,292 - Follows: 1,937 - Updated: 8/31/2013 - Published: 12/3/2006 - Keladry, Nealan, Raoul, Domitan - Complete
How? by flying flower fantasy reviews
Sequel to Where?-needs to be read first. The four are back home and are now squires. They still have a mystery to solve, and also have to learn how to handle there own lives. Can they overcome their problems to solve the mystery?
Protector of the Small Quartet - Rated: T - English - Mystery/Romance - Chapters: 12 - Words: 27,049 - Reviews: 52 - Favs: 17 - Follows: 33 - Updated: 2/4/2013 - Published: 9/3/2008 - Keladry
One Step At A Time by rangermaid reviews
Formerly titled 'Lilac'. Gilan isn't lying idle as Halt searches for Will; after all, he does have some idea of what he's doing.
Ranger's Apprentice - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 3 - Words: 4,384 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 16 - Updated: 11/11/2012 - Published: 10/28/2008
Cloak and Dagger by DreamingIce reviews
The hidden moments and inner thoughts of the characters of the series in a series of ficlets, drabbles and vignettes. Formerly 'Letters'. Ficlet 3: Halt returns to the ashes of his past. Book 8: Kings of Clonmel
Ranger's Apprentice - Rated: K+ - English - Drama - Chapters: 3 - Words: 2,361 - Reviews: 34 - Favs: 11 - Follows: 19 - Updated: 1/28/2012 - Published: 5/28/2006 - Will, Halt, Gilan, Cassandra/Evanlyn
Gallagher Girls 3 by TwiHard24 reviews
“I hope we don’t expelled,” I whispered.“They’re asking for it, just try not to bruise them," Zac said, turning to face the boys.“Okay,” Dillon said glaring at us. “No more sucker punches pretty boy." "He thinks I'm pretty," he whispered to me with a laug
Gallagher Girls - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 15 - Words: 28,364 - Reviews: 295 - Favs: 190 - Follows: 96 - Updated: 7/24/2011 - Published: 11/9/2008 - Complete
A Thief's Plight by Rune The Secret Child reviews
A young girl living the life of a thief, runs into The Prince one day and becomes his unwilling escort. Later she becomes the Royal Guards' Captains apprentice as a Boy! Will the Prince recognize her? What will become of her life? Indefinite Hiatus.
Song of the Lioness - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 10 - Words: 12,733 - Reviews: 22 - Favs: 12 - Follows: 25 - Updated: 1/14/2011 - Published: 1/7/2008
Lady Knight Adventures by xxTunstall Chickxx reviews
War is upon them once more, someone is bringing back the immortals from their sleep again. A battle for human kind and a fight for survival. But when faced with imminent danger can love survive? Can they? K/D xxTunstallChickxx
Protector of the Small Quartet - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 24 - Words: 46,328 - Reviews: 243 - Favs: 77 - Follows: 71 - Updated: 9/10/2010 - Published: 3/8/2008 - Keladry, Domitan - Complete
The Sister Clan by ShadowGryphyn reviews
Kel is forced to leave after her year, and is taken in by a mysterious fighting group in the forests of Tortall. When she comes out and is the only one who can stop the oncoming battle, what will the palace people do with her? AbhorsenTP Xover
Crossover - Song of the Lioness & Old Kingdom/Abhorsen series - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 5 - Words: 9,538 - Reviews: 23 - Favs: 12 - Follows: 30 - Updated: 4/3/2010 - Published: 10/17/2006 - Tortall
Forgetting the Past by bendingwind reviews
Kel is quite literally dragged into hiding by Dom and Neal when King Jonathan sentences her to a death on Traitor's Hill for daring to disobey a direct command. She must create a life she's never known anything about, in a land she's never even seen. AU.
Protector of the Small Quartet - Rated: K+ - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 21 - Words: 40,741 - Reviews: 405 - Favs: 114 - Follows: 120 - Updated: 2/14/2010 - Published: 2/11/2005 - Keladry, Domitan - Complete
Big Sky by AvengingMyInnocence reviews
The PREQUEL to THE WINGS OF WRATH.
Maximum Ride - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 28 - Words: 39,423 - Reviews: 206 - Favs: 71 - Follows: 53 - Updated: 12/31/2009 - Published: 11/3/2008
The Wings of Wrath by AvengingMyInnocence reviews
The World’s Longest FanFic EVER. Has literally been called an ‘Epic’. SUMMARIES inside…
Maximum Ride - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 111 - Words: 260,120 - Reviews: 1722 - Favs: 579 - Follows: 252 - Updated: 12/3/2009 - Published: 3/28/2008
The Squire and the Derelict by x17SkmBdrchiczxx reviews
High expectations, her Gift, & a crazy immortal plague Jzet of Queenscove, who desires to live a normal life. Meanwhile, Jacqueline has escaped traitor's hill & her past in search of a true meaning to her life. This story is up for adoption.
Song of the Lioness - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 13 - Words: 92,244 - Reviews: 156 - Favs: 26 - Follows: 36 - Updated: 8/11/2009 - Published: 8/15/2007 - Tortall
New Life and a new girl by bron1991 reviews
Meet Megal. Seems the typical London chick. Until a truck hits her and she reappears in Tortall. What is this fire that keeps appearing round people? Who's that lanky dude with the black fire around him? And his son?. And whats with the assassins? :D
Song of the Lioness - Rated: T - English - Fantasy - Chapters: 17 - Words: 34,209 - Reviews: 87 - Favs: 20 - Follows: 28 - Updated: 7/29/2009 - Published: 11/11/2006 - Tortall
Nights by LaylaYuy reviews
A collection of short one-shots about the nights that take Kel and Dom's relationship from just friends into something more.
Song of the Lioness - Rated: T - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 13 - Words: 32,778 - Reviews: 148 - Favs: 88 - Follows: 112 - Updated: 7/12/2009 - Published: 9/16/2008 - Tortall
Russians by Chlobuggy reviews
Cammie and her friends have graduated. She has to go on a mission to college and Russia to keep half of the United States from being completely wiped off the face of the earth. Bad Summary, I know. Please read and review! Lots of Cammie and Zach!
Gallagher Girls - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 19 - Words: 37,845 - Reviews: 243 - Favs: 124 - Follows: 77 - Updated: 6/22/2009 - Published: 1/9/2009 - Complete
The Yamani Knight Trilogy, Part 2: Spy by Sea-Aggie reviews
This is the second segment in The Yamani Knight Trilogy. It continues the story of Kel and Henrik. It is recommended that you read The Yamani Knight Trilogy, Part 1: Assassin before reading this, though inside is a complete summary of the first segment.
Song of the Lioness - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 15 - Words: 16,715 - Reviews: 144 - Favs: 54 - Follows: 106 - Updated: 6/17/2009 - Published: 8/14/2008 - Tortall
Maximum Ride: Back to Work by memrylaine reviews
Max and the flock are baaack! More fighting, drama, friendship, humor...and of course...FAAAAX! Turns out there's another company besides Itex that wants them out of the way. Same MR characters, post-TFW, Max's POV. Now finished! Story complete.
Maximum Ride - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 25 - Words: 26,083 - Reviews: 246 - Favs: 43 - Follows: 43 - Updated: 6/3/2009 - Published: 2/8/2009 - Max - Complete
Ranger's Apprentice: Will's Life by AnimeAndBookFan07 reviews
Will's life has changed drastically ever since he got his own fief and things are about to get a little out of hand...
Ranger's Apprentice - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 3 - Words: 1,807 - Reviews: 33 - Favs: 12 - Follows: 15 - Updated: 5/18/2009 - Published: 7/15/2008
The Games by ClaireyL reviews
One a year, the Riders and the Own have a little compatition to see who really is the best. What happends when Kel and friends get caught up in it and Kel has to face her feelings for a certain Sergent?
Song of the Lioness - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 16 - Words: 34,743 - Reviews: 158 - Favs: 114 - Follows: 178 - Updated: 4/29/2009 - Published: 2/21/2008 - Tortall, Tortall
Two out of three, not bad by Tamora Pierce Junior reviews
Set in Kel's last years as a squire. There are 5 girl pages who idolise Kel. Two of them she's met before... This is the story of the girls who will do anything to be like Kel. But will they succeed and at what cost? Read and review!
Song of the Lioness - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure/Friendship - Chapters: 7 - Words: 8,386 - Reviews: 42 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 18 - Updated: 4/14/2009 - Published: 7/21/2008 - Tortall
Plight of the Phoenix by Mrs. Dom Masbolle reviews
Kel becomes a Shang instead of being knighted. Opting to not follow in her brothers' footsteps. When problems arise in Tortall she must come back, a full Shang, not knowing that love and adventure wait around the corner. DISCONTINUED/HIATUS
Protector of the Small Quartet - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 5 - Words: 6,194 - Reviews: 95 - Favs: 56 - Follows: 139 - Updated: 2/28/2009 - Published: 2/29/2008 - Keladry, Roald
Monster by Set.Me.Free.123 reviews
POST MR2. PRE MR3,4. Max and the flock meet a strange boy who knows all about them. Who is he? And why does Max feel such a strong connection with him? And then there's Fang...
Maximum Ride - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 17 - Words: 15,038 - Reviews: 1125 - Favs: 206 - Follows: 259 - Updated: 12/31/2008 - Published: 7/14/2008
Stand Up by Echo Chambers reviews
Kel is kicked out! Feeling she can't go home, Kel wanders through Tortal, penniless and common. Along the way she learns to stand up for everything she believes in, no matter what. When she finally decides to return to Corus, Tortal will never be the same
Song of the Lioness - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure - Chapters: 2 - Words: 3,786 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 53 - Updated: 11/28/2008 - Published: 11/10/2008 - Tortall
One Of The Boys by EcoEmo404 reviews
This story has been put on Hiatus! I"M SORRY! I am in High-school now and just don't have the time. I may re-start it, but if there is anyone who wants to take over please tell me and send me your chappies and I will use them! :D Thanx!
Phantom Stallion - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 6 - Words: 6,685 - Reviews: 64 - Favs: 16 - Follows: 17 - Updated: 11/22/2008 - Published: 9/16/2008
The Likes of Me The Mysterious Trio by Nyght Breeze reviews
In Demista, there are many creatures that loom in the mountains, forests, lakes, and sky that the dimension of Earth use in their mythical & fairytale stories. But now, Demista is in trouble. One young teenager will meet her destiny. ON
Song of the Lioness - Rated: K+ - English - Fantasy/Mystery - Chapters: 1 - Words: 503 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 1 - Published: 10/13/2008
The Way back Ranger's Apprentice by Luna umbra reviews
Takes place immediatly after Halt and Horace have found Will and Evanlyn in book4, and saved her from a quick death. Now they are on their way back home, but something seems to be really wrong with Will, or is it just imagination?
Ranger's Apprentice - Rated: K+ - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,424 - Reviews: 81 - Favs: 42 - Follows: 55 - Published: 9/23/2008
Scanran by crouchingbunny reviews
What does it mean to be different? Is it not fitting in? Or is it something else entirely? Is it what you look like that seperates you from everyone else? In Tortall that has progressed so much, is it possible that being Scanran, isn't so safe anymore?
Song of the Lioness - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 4 - Words: 8,657 - Reviews: 13 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 8 - Updated: 3/19/2008 - Published: 2/2/2008 - Tortall
What Happened To You? by Tatski reviews
AU. Well another story about Kel being kicked out. In this she is sent to the convent and becomes kinda dark. Then she has to go to Corus to be presented. sees everyone, also Kel has this power...on hiatus, sorry guys : its left me
Song of the Lioness - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 3 - Words: 2,950 - Reviews: 49 - Favs: 21 - Follows: 55 - Updated: 2/29/2008 - Published: 1/25/2008 - Tortall
The Shang Tiger by Fightingrose reviews
Cat, one of the deadliest Shang trainees in the land, travels with her teacher to the palace in Corus. There, she is to help teach/0 the pages. Set after Keladry gets her shield. By the way, I own none of Tamora Pierces characters or anything like that.
Song of the Lioness - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Fantasy - Chapters: 15 - Words: 13,525 - Reviews: 75 - Favs: 30 - Follows: 35 - Updated: 2/6/2008 - Published: 12/1/2007 - Tortall - Complete
The Yamani Shang by On top of cloud 9 reviews
This is about the Shang Eagle from the Yamani Islands. She left her family when she was only five, to train at Shang. Now she's back. She has her title, and is searching for her friends. You'll never guess who she is and who her friends are...
Song of the Lioness - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 15,455 - Reviews: 68 - Favs: 20 - Follows: 37 - Updated: 1/28/2008 - Published: 9/5/2005
The Life of a Fighter by silverspirit737 reviews
Shang. Amazing fighters, that much we know. But what did they have to do to reach that level? Follow the life of a Shang from the beginning.
Song of the Lioness - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure - Chapters: 7 - Words: 23,285 - Reviews: 69 - Favs: 10 - Follows: 34 - Updated: 1/27/2008 - Published: 12/13/2006 - Tortall
Mei by Last October reviews
Mei is a typical 21st century teenage girl. How will she cope when she is suddenly thrust into a world that doesn't exist, where she must be the hero she never knew she could be? This is my first fanfic, please rr.
Song of the Lioness - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 8 - Words: 6,594 - Reviews: 33 - Favs: 9 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 1/27/2008 - Published: 12/5/2004
Protector of the King's Own by PsychoLioness reviews
[Ch 16 Up] Kel gets kicked out of Page training and is taken in by Raoul as a member of the King's Own. Unfortunately, Raoul takes Joren on as his Squire the following year...
Song of the Lioness - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 18 - Words: 61,974 - Reviews: 343 - Favs: 155 - Follows: 183 - Updated: 1/27/2008 - Published: 9/7/2003 - Tortall, Tortall
What You Let Go, Part2 by AlexiaM87 reviews
Sequel to What You Let Go,Keladry the Shang Griffin is leaving the palace and going out with the Kings Own.Once again her patron god makes things harder for her.She stumbles upon a old friend who makes trouble for her and perhaps all of Tortall
Song of the Lioness - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 4 - Words: 11,344 - Reviews: 44 - Favs: 31 - Follows: 65 - Updated: 1/18/2008 - Published: 9/30/2007 - Tortall
Return of a Nightmare by griffenhawk reviews
Who is that strange girl that appeared? No one knew, but she was dangerous... why is she so unnerving and what is happening in the kingdom of Tortall? (Story will not be updated anymore - apologies to the readers!)
Song of the Lioness - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure/Fantasy - Chapters: 10 - Words: 14,117 - Reviews: 26 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 6 - Updated: 12/2/2007 - Published: 2/4/2007 - Tortall
The Rogue and his Dog by The-Vegetable-Queen reviews
When a vengeful mage transforms Beka, she finds herself shunned by friends who don't recognize her. Only when she rescues Rosto does someone see worth in her new form. They work together to rescue Pounce and change her back. RostoxBeka
Song of the Lioness - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 2 - Words: 3,188 - Reviews: 64 - Favs: 34 - Follows: 89 - Updated: 11/24/2007 - Published: 11/18/2007 - Tortall, Tortall
Yamani Knight by Lil' Miss All dat reviews
This is a story when Kel gets kicked out of probation and goes to the Yamani Isles. Okay i know there are like a million of these but please read! Rated for Safety
Song of the Lioness - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 5 - Words: 3,235 - Reviews: 76 - Favs: 22 - Follows: 64 - Updated: 11/20/2007 - Published: 10/7/2007 - Tortall, Tortall
Dragon Eyes by Rogue-writer-16 reviews
A child is born on a stormy night with dragon eyes. It is in an of Port Caynn that she meets with her future years later and her simple life of subservience is lost to a new life of action and adventure after her encounter with the King and his court.
Song of the Lioness - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 5 - Words: 13,666 - Reviews: 53 - Favs: 22 - Follows: 37 - Updated: 10/22/2007 - Published: 5/4/2007 - Tortall
The Chronicles of Keladry, Shang Phoenix by AdrianAndroid reviews
Keladry is rejected by Lord Wyldon. Kel goes to the Islands to learn of the Shang way. But she gets into more than she expects when her coachman is shot by a tranquilizer dart... previously titled The Chronicles of Kel
Song of the Lioness - Rated: T - English - Fantasy/Adventure - Chapters: 29 - Words: 87,227 - Reviews: 234 - Favs: 134 - Follows: 170 - Updated: 10/11/2007 - Published: 7/17/2005 - Tortall
The Three by Mage of Dragons reviews
Three friends, killed in a tragic accident, are given a second chance at life, this time in Tortall. But how will they fare? And will they ever get back home?
Song of the Lioness - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 5 - Words: 3,408 - Reviews: 24 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 17 - Updated: 10/7/2007 - Published: 10/20/2006 - Tortall
Dark Child by randomfreak-11189 reviews
One girls story as she grows up in the Shang World
Song of the Lioness - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Fantasy - Chapters: 3 - Words: 5,218 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 7 - Updated: 9/26/2007 - Published: 5/2/2006
The Land Across the Emerald Sea by x17SkmBdrchiczxx reviews
A Shang Master travels from the Yamani Islands to Tortall, to the land across the Emerald Sea, her true homeland. There she begins her training to become a knight. And you'll never guess who she is, her past, or her destiny. The final chapter is up! R&R
Song of the Lioness - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 39 - Words: 137,014 - Reviews: 631 - Favs: 82 - Follows: 62 - Updated: 7/12/2007 - Published: 7/27/2005 - Tortall, Tortall - Complete
What you let go by AlexiaM87 reviews
Betrayed by her country,denied knight training,but she had another life before that she can return to. Now she is in trouble and must rely on the Kingdom that betrayed her to help her out. KD Complete with a surprise ending. Look for sequel.TY & cake.
Song of the Lioness - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 27 - Words: 75,753 - Reviews: 263 - Favs: 100 - Follows: 69 - Updated: 7/4/2007 - Published: 11/30/2006 - Tortall, Tortall - Complete
A Rogue Spirit by Hecate's Diamon reviews
Kyia is one of the first girls to grace the palace's page wing after Keladry of Mindelan. Accompanying her on her crusade for her shield are her humorous cousin, another brave female, and the descendants of knights and mages past...
Song of the Lioness - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 17 - Words: 50,501 - Reviews: 154 - Favs: 32 - Follows: 38 - Updated: 2/20/2007 - Published: 10/22/2005 - Tortall
The New Hope Players by starfishbeliever reviews
After Kel returns from Steadfast, Tobe and the citizens of New Hope decide to lend their still single commander a hand in the romance area, and what a better time to do it than Midwinter? KD, EDITED 09/2009
Protector of the Small Quartet - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 13 - Words: 19,830 - Reviews: 211 - Favs: 163 - Follows: 70 - Updated: 12/1/2006 - Published: 10/21/2006 - Keladry, Domitan - Complete
the Gift by re.dreamer reviews
a broken girl attempts suicide but is transported to the realm of tortal where she starts over and meets a certain mage called rikash...rated for content...ON HIATUS! planning to restart this summer
Song of the Lioness - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,075 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 7 - Updated: 11/14/2006 - Published: 11/12/2006 - Tortall
Its Who I Am Now by Who said insanity's a bad thing reviews
It's a kel been kicked out story. She is 17 and on her way to becoming the most legendary shang ever. But first she goes to corus where she becomes the shang master teaching pages and all thw while confronting her past. STORY ONHOLD
Song of the Lioness - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,026 - Reviews: 32 - Favs: 15 - Follows: 40 - Updated: 7/31/2006 - Published: 7/30/2006
Different Destiny by ColossalSky reviews
Alanna's plan for her life was changed greatly. She was ambushed by mountain bandits and sold into slavery. See how she learns to cope with her new life. Will she find the bright side?
Song of the Lioness - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 17 - Words: 20,130 - Reviews: 50 - Favs: 14 - Follows: 13 - Updated: 7/6/2006 - Published: 9/9/2004 - Tortall
Warrior Women by Starlit Emerald-Eyed Empress reviews
Alanna doesn't think to switch places with Thom. At the convent, a Shang warrior teaches her, along with 4 other girls, the art of fighting. They form a sisterhood against bandits, but things get interesting when they run into a group of squires.
Song of the Lioness - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 6 - Words: 9,105 - Reviews: 61 - Favs: 20 - Follows: 58 - Updated: 6/26/2006 - Published: 12/3/2005 - Tortall
Our Smiling Friend by marasydnyjade reviews
Alanna doesn't go to the palace, or the convent, or the shang. Years later she finally makes her way to the palace, in the company of a very interesting man.
Song of the Lioness - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 5 - Words: 5,707 - Reviews: 54 - Favs: 28 - Follows: 39 - Updated: 6/15/2006 - Published: 9/28/2004
Theres Only One by Who said insanity's a bad thing reviews
It Alanna and the shang, and i posted chapter 6 yes, theres some fluff in it. Everyone write reviews pleases and tell me who you think Alanna should end up with, be creative people.
Song of the Lioness - Rated: K - English - Romance/Fantasy - Chapters: 6 - Words: 3,119 - Reviews: 33 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 14 - Updated: 6/10/2006 - Published: 3/23/2006 - Tortall, Tortall
Alcove by Ace Ryn Knight reviews
Despite her aching jaw she shot her follower a grin, 'I don't think I've ever smiled so much, or so hard in my entire life.' Fluffy KF...if you squint and tilt your head...maybe not.
Green Rider - Rated: K - English - Friendship/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 502 - Reviews: 17 - Favs: 14 - Follows: 2 - Published: 6/8/2006 - Complete
Not Exactly From The Convent by idyllic nocturne reviews
I know, I know... Alanna never went to get her shield, and becomes a high class thief. If this sounds like your story, I'm sorry. Warning: Follows Alanna's love life! r&r! Rated for...things. Disclaimed. Hiatus
Song of the Lioness - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 4 - Words: 4,822 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 11 - Updated: 4/27/2006 - Published: 4/25/2006 - Tortall
A Road Ridden With Chaos by Trickster666 reviews
Alanna’s eccentric life at the convent leads to far more unconventional adventures elsewhere. She thought her dreams of becoming a heroic warrior of Tortall were unachievable, but the Goddess still intends her Chosen One to travel a thrilling path.
Song of the Lioness - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 36 - Words: 77,559 - Reviews: 182 - Favs: 109 - Follows: 34 - Updated: 4/17/2006 - Published: 4/7/2004 - Tortall - Complete
Phoenix Reborn by Lady Merlin reviews
I know, lame name, but Kel goes to Shang with a twist, she is also the Goddess' chosen. Funny and cute. KD most of it. But halfway through, before KD, might be a little KN and no KC. I cannot write KC. They should just be friends.
Song of the Lioness - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 2 - Words: 756 - Reviews: 16 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 21 - Published: 4/7/2006
The Elementals From Earth by DragonsBaby reviews
Four girls get sucked into Tortall and when they get there they realise that they are elementals and help in their own way.....read on
Song of the Lioness - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,723 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 4/5/2006 - Published: 3/9/2006 - Tortall
Dreams of a Lady by punkpixie87 reviews
UPDATE AFTER LOOOONG HIATUS! The sequel to PRIDE OF THE CONVENT. No one could expect Alanna of Trebond's life to be dull, could they? Not with her wild dreams and night life...
Song of the Lioness - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 8 - Words: 29,376 - Reviews: 448 - Favs: 157 - Follows: 178 - Updated: 3/30/2006 - Published: 10/15/2002
Bet with Destiny by Tuathail reviews
Kel is an assassin after being adopted by the Rogue at a young age. However, with betrayal, plots and confused loyalties afoot, can Kel truly keep both her head and her name? Possible KelRoald
Protector of the Small Quartet - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 4 - Words: 4,740 - Reviews: 92 - Favs: 36 - Follows: 69 - Updated: 3/13/2006 - Published: 11/29/2004 - Keladry, Roald
A Commander From a Rider by Gray Eyed Fighter reviews
Sequel to 'A Rider From a Lady'. Kel is now commander of the 'Queen's Hope' Riders group. She is finally coming to terms with herself and her destiny, though deep scars never really fade out. If anyone wants to ghost write this story, let me know.
Song of the Lioness - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 5 - Words: 11,377 - Reviews: 112 - Favs: 47 - Follows: 74 - Updated: 1/2/2006 - Published: 5/23/2005 - Kelandry
Teh 1 Mary Sue by Tuathail reviews
Meet Aurorandromedalynikaristarstra, the stunningly beautiful Shang with an immense Gift who studied with Yamanis. She has a shady past, of course. No Mary Sue could do without that shady past.
Song of the Lioness - Rated: K+ - English - Parody/Drama - Chapters: 5 - Words: 4,148 - Reviews: 87 - Favs: 10 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 4/19/2005 - Published: 10/6/2004 - Tortall, Tortall
A Rider From a Lady by Gray Eyed Fighter reviews
Sequel to 'A Lady From Kel' The new part of her life leads Kel to be a Rider trainee. Her training is different than what she had expected, as she still suffers from the scars of the Convent. Secod Part Finished
Song of the Lioness - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 16 - Words: 39,048 - Reviews: 240 - Favs: 62 - Follows: 15 - Updated: 2/9/2005 - Published: 11/20/2004 - Tortall - Complete
A Lady From Kel by Gray Eyed Fighter reviews
Kel is kicked out after her first year, and is sent to the convent. When she's there, her spirit is broken. Her return to the palace isn't what she expects. First part finished
Song of the Lioness - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 16 - Words: 20,582 - Reviews: 305 - Favs: 80 - Follows: 31 - Updated: 11/17/2004 - Published: 10/17/2004 - Kelandry - Complete
Kel Kicked Out! by Mystical Moonstar reviews
Kel gets kicked out of knight training and runs away! Eda helps Kel and she becomes shang. To prove her point to the men at court Kel also recives a few more titles than the one of shang! Please read!
Song of the Lioness - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 3 - Words: 3,508 - Reviews: 82 - Favs: 32 - Follows: 61 - Updated: 9/18/2004 - Published: 7/10/2004 - Tortall
The Long Road Ahead reviews
She arrived one night at Meric castle, wounded and alone. One year later the outcast with no future was chosen to be the first girl Ranger. A fact Gilan might come to regret when the nightmares of his apprentice's past start catching up with her.
Ranger's Apprentice - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure - Chapters: 10 - Words: 21,880 - Reviews: 140 - Favs: 69 - Follows: 83 - Updated: 12/27/2010 - Published: 11/12/2008 - Gilan