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Joined 09-12-08, id: 1691198, Profile Updated: 12-28-09

Hey. Ummmm.. Well.. If you want to know anything about me just Message me and I'll tell you.

But here are the basics:

My name is Kimberly-Jana.

I'm 15 years old.

I live in Florida.

I have two annoying older brothers named Emmy and Joey. Emmy is 22 and Joey (Joe) is 21.

They come to visit on a daily basis and annoy the living hell out of me. :)

I live with my mother.

I was born on December 17th 1994. Where, you ask? Well, here on Earth. No duh!! Lol!

Um.. I attend Celebration High School as a Sophomore.

I'm weird/awesome/just plain cool/ your best friend/ your worst enemy!!

1. YOUR REAL NAME: Kimberly Rodriguez

2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): Kimizzle

3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (fav color and fav animal): Purple Lion

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, and current street name): Jana Owassa (hahaha!!)

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, last 3 letters of mom's maiden name): Rodkiiaz

6. YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Black Arizona

7. YOUR ARAB NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, any letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of you dads middle name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, last letter of your moms middle name): Idaisea

8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mothers middle name): Margarita

Your Weakness:

Really sad movies :(

Your Fears:

Being left alone in Life

Your Perfect Pizza:

Pepperoni .. lol

Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:

Making more friends than I had last year

(This is going to be hard lol)

Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:


Thoughts First Waking Up:

'What's that sound?! .. Oh, right .. the alarm clock'

Your Best Physical Feature:

Hmmm .. my hair?

Your Bedtime:

Don't have one.

McDonald's or Burger King:

That's a tough one .. umm .. Mickey D's

Chocolate or Vanilla:


Do you Smoke:


Will you Smoke:


Do you Swear:


Do you Sing:

In the shower ;p

Do you Shower Daily:

Of course .. who doesn't?

Do you behave yourself:


Do you get Motion Sickness:


Do you think you are Attractive:

Ummm .. Yes?

Are you a Health Freak:


Do you get along with your Parents:

Correction PARENT .. no 's' .. and yes, I do

Do you like Thunderstorms:

Yes, I love them

Do you play an Instrument:


In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:


In the past month have you gone to a Mall:


In the past month have you eaten Sushi:

Nope, but I want to try it

In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:


What do you want to be when you Grow Up:

Vet, Chef, Photographer, or Pediatrician

What country would you most like to Visit:


Number of CDs I own:

Maybe .. Hm .. 25?

Fave Food:


Fave Music:

I like all type of music.

What do your feet smell like?


What does your hair smell like?


Can you clap with your feet?


Have you seen purple cows?

On paper, yes. In reality, no.

If you have had 10 Mountain Dews, what would you be like?

A hyper-active little pixie.

When you think of the words "George Bush", what comes to your mind?


W O U L D . Y O U . R A T H E R?

1. Pierce your nose or tongue?


2. Be serious or be funny?

3. Drink whole or skim milk?:

4. Die in a fire or drown?

5. Spend time with your parents or enemies?

Enemies, getting them angry is just too much fun!

D O . Y O U . P R E F E R.

1. Sun or moon?:


2. Leaf-bare or Leaf-fall?


3. Left or right?


4. Ten acquaintances or five best friends?:

Five Best Friends

5. Sunny or rain:


6. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream?


A B O U T . Y O U.

1. What time is it?

7:47P.M (How is this question about me?)

2. What do you want to do?

Hang out with my Friends

3. Where do you wanna live?


4. How many kids do you want?

A lot

5. Do you want to get married?


6. Have you ever done drugs?

Yes .. unfortunately

7. What do you like on your pizza?


8. Can you cross your eyes?


9. Do you make your bed daily?


R A N D O M.

1. Which shoe goes on first?


2. Ever thrown a shoe at someone?

Yes .. do high-heels count as shoes?

3. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?


4. Have you ever eaten Spam?


5. Favorite ice cream?

Cookie Dough .. yummy ;p

6. How many kinds of cereal are in your cabinet?


7. Do you cook?


8. Current mood?

Happy (Just made my ex Jealous ;p)


1. Kissed some one?


2. Sang?


3. Been hugged:


4. Felt stupid:

Definitely ..

5. Missed someone:


6. Danced Crazy?


7. Gotten your hair cut?


8. Cried:


9. Been kissed:


. S T U F F .

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?


2. Do you have a Dog?

Yup (Annoying little chihuahua)

3. Do you have a cat?

No ..

4. The last time you've been sledding?

Never .. I live in FL

5. Do you consider yourself creative?


6. Do you have any friends on


T7. Do you know anybody in real life from


8. Where are you?

My dining room (Laptop)

9. Look up, then look back, what do you see?

The ceiling, my mom

10. What are you listening to right now?

The TV behind me, the typing sounds, and my mom talking on the phone ;p

11. Last thing you ate?

Granola Bar (For My Snack Time ;p)

12. Last thing you thought?

'What's the point of eating if we 'throw-out' the food later?'

13. You have a million dollars what do you do?

Too many things to write down ..

14. What are you eating/drinking right now?

Eating nothing&Drinking Water

When people don't laugh at our jokes we don't think of it as a "You had to be there." type of thing. But more like a "You have to be mentally retarded like us." type of thing!

My friends are the kind that if my house were on fire, they'd be roasting marshmallows and flirting with the firemen.
My best friends are the kind of people that would spend hours trying to drown a fish. ...But I love them to death!

Friends: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.
Best Friends: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!

Friends: Will share their umbrella with you
Best Friends:
Will take yours and scream "RUN, BITCH RUN!"

Friends: Ask why you're crying
Best Friends: Has a shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry

Friends: Say you can do better
Best Friends: Will call him up and say "You have seven day to live"

Friends: Would bail you out of jail.
Best Friends: Would be sitting next to you saying "LETS DO THAT AGAIN!"

Friends: Will help you move.
Best Friends:
Will help you move the bodies.

Friends: Will offer you a soda.
Best Friends:
Will dump theirs on you.

Friends: Have never seen you cry.
Best Friends: Wont tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore.

Friend: Asks me for my number
Best friend: Asks me for her number

Friend: Hides me from the cops
Best Friend: Is probably the reason they are after me in the first place

Friend: Lets me make an idiot of myself in public
Best Friend: Is up there with me making an idiot out of herself too.

Friend: Will help me learn to drive
Best Friend: Will help me roll the car into the lake so I can collect insurance

Friend: Will watch my pets when I go away
Best Friend: Won't let me go away

Friend: Will go to a concert with me
Best Friend: Will kidnap the band with me

Friends: Help you get over a boy
Best Friends: Will go up to the boy punch him then say "It's because you're gay isn't it?"

Friends: Know only a few things about you
Best Friends: Could write a very embarrassing biography about you

Friends: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
Best Friends: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you

Friends: Would knock on your front door.
Best Friends: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."

Friends: You have to tell them not to tell anyone
Best Friends: Already know not to tell.

Friends: Get angry at you for calling them late in the night
Best Friends: Ask why it took so long for you to call

Friends: Wonder about your love life
Best Friends: Could blackmail you with it

Friends: Will help you find prince charming
Best Friends: Would kidnap him and bring him to you

Friends: Will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month.
Best Friends:
Will throw you a tampon and push you in.

Friends: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.
Best Friends:
Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say "Girl drink the rest of that ! You know we don't waste!"

Friends: Fade
Best Friends: Are forever

FRIENDS: Would ignore this letter
BEST FRIENDS: Will re-post this crap!!

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot,

Who calls you back when you hang up on him,

Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead,

Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats,

Who holds your hand in public and in front of his friends and family.

Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he loves you and how lucky he is to have you.

Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?

Boy: No

Girl: Do you like me?

Boy: No

Girl: Do you want me?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you cry if I left?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you live for me?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you do anything for me?

Boy: No

Girl: Choose--me or your life

Boy: My life

The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...

The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.

The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.

The reason I don't want you is because I need you.

The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.

The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.

The reason why I'm not willing to do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you.

The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life.

Guy's point of view
(Here's the take on relationships from a guy's POV.)

We don't care if you talk to other guys.We don't care if you're friends with other guys.
But when you're sitting next to us, and some random guy walks into the room
and you jump up and tackle him without even introducing us, yeah, it's
It doesn't help if you sit there and talk to him for ten minutes without
even acknowledging the fact that we're still there.
We don't care if a guy calls you, but at 2 in the morning we do get a
little concerned.
Nothing is that important at 2 a.m. that it can't wait till the morning.
Also, when we tell you you're pretty/beautiful/gorgeous/cute/ stunning, we
freaking mean it.
Don't tell us we're wrong.We'll stop trying to convince you.
The sexiest thing about a girl is confidence.Yeah, you can quote me.
Don't be mad when we hold the door open.
Take Advantage of the mood I'm in.
We enjoy doing it.
It's expected.
Smile and say 'thank you.'
Kiss us when no one's watching.(If you kiss us when you know somebody's looking, we'll be more impressed.)
You don't have to get dressed up for us.If we're going out with you in the first place, you don't have to feel the
need to wear the shortest skirt you have or put on every kind of makeup you
We like you for WHO you are and not WHAT you are.
Honestly, I think a girl looks more beautiful when she's just in her pj's
or my t-shirt and boxers, not all dolled up.
Don't take everything we say seriously.Sarcasm is a beautiful thing. See the beauty in it.
Don't get angry easily.
Stop using magazines/media as your bible.
Don't talk about how hott Morris Chesnutt, Brad Pitt, or Jesse McCartney is
in front of us. It's boring, and we don't care.
You have girlfriends for
Whatever happened to the word 'handsome'/'beautiful'.I'd be utterly stunned by a girl who greeted me with 'Hey handsome!' instead of 'Hey baby/ stud/ cutie/ sexy' or whatever else you can think of.
On the other hand I'm not saying I wouldn't like it ether.

are like
apples on trees.
The best ones are
at the top of the tree.The
boys don't want to reach
for the good ones because they
are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples
from the ground that aren't as good,
but easy. So the apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just
have to wait for the right boy to
come along, the one who's
brave enough to
climb all
the way
to the top
of the tree.

What a Boyfriend SHOULD do (A real boyfriend):
When she walks away from you mad, follow her
When she stare's at your mouth, Kiss her
When she pushes you or hit's you, Grab her and don't let go
When she start's cussing at you, Kiss her and tell her you love her
When she's quiet, Ask her what's wrong
When she ignores you, Give her your attention
When she pull's away, Pull her back
When you see her at her worst, Tell her she's beautiful
When you see her start crying, Just hold her and don't say a word
When you see her walking, Sneak up and hug her waist from behind
When she's scared, Protect her
When she lay's her head on your shoulder, Tilt her head up and kiss her
When she steal's your favorite hat, Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night
When she tease's you, Tease her back and make her laugh
When she doesn't answer for a long time, reassure her that everything is okay
When she look's at you with doubt, Back yourself up
When she say's that she like's you, she really does more than you could understand
When she grab's at your hands, Hold her's and play with her fingers
When she bump's into you, bump into her back and make her laugh
When she tells you a secret, keep it safe and untold
When she looks at you in your eyes, don't look away until she does
When she misses you, she's hurting inside
When you break her heart, the pain never really goes away
When she says its over, she still wants you to be hers
When she re-post's this bulletin, she wants you to read it
Stay on the phone with her even if shes not saying anything.
When she's mad, hug her tight and don't let go
When she says she's OK don't believe it, talk with her- because 10 yrs later she'll remember you
Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her
Call her before you sleep and after you wake up
Treat her like she's all that matters to you.
Tease her and let her tease you back
Stay up all night with her when she's sick
Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid
Give her the world
Let her wear your clothes
When she's bored and sad, hang out with her
Let her know she's important
Kiss her in the pouring rain
When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;
"Who's ass am I kicking babe?"

Holding Hands-
Girls : If you want to hold his hand, gently bump into it a couple of times.
Guys : Grab it if it happens more than once.

Girls : When you want to cuddle with him, tell him you're cold.
Guys : Automatically move closer to her.

Girls : During a movie, if he puts his arm around you, tilt your head on his shoulder
Guys : Lift her chin up and kiss her.

Loving each other-
Guys : When she tells you she loves you, look deep into
her eyes, give her a peck on the lips, and tell her you love her too...
And mean it.

Laying below the stars-
Girls : When you're both laying under the stars, put your head on his chest and close your eyes as you listen to his steady heart beat
Guys : Whisper in her ear and link your hands with hers.

Now make a wish about something you would like to happen Between you and your crush...

Guys re-post this if you agree.

Girls re-post this if you think it's cute.

Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

"When life hands you lemons, throw them back and demand Edward Cullen."
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but since Carlisle is cute, screw the fruit."
"I'm not easily distracted I-Hey, is that guy sparkling!?"


"The world is out to get me. Hide me in your closet and cover me with clothes. Don't let it find me."

.: There's three ways to do things:.
.: The right way :.
.: The wrong way :.
.: And my way, which is wrong too, but faster!:.

I'm a BRUNETTE and I'm a cutie,

Mess with me and I'll kick your booty,

Redheads are smart,

Blonds think they're cool,

Well think again,

'Cause BRUNETTES rule!

Losers stare, make a fuss.

Just one question-

jealous much?

Roses are red
Violets are blue
on my list of favorites
twilight is waaay above you!

WhEn i WaLk By, Ur AsKiN Ur Boy,
iS sHe PrEtTiEr DeN mE!?
GoT DeM GuYz SaYiN UmM,

Calling me FAKE won't make you REAL,

Calling me STUPID won't make you SMART,

Calling me WEAK won't make you STRONG,

Calling me UGLY won't make you PRETTY,

Calling me POOR won't make you RICH,

Calling me FAT wont make you PERFECT,

So why bother?

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

This has got to be one of the most clever
brainteasers I've seen in a while.
Someone out there either has too much
spare time, or is really good at Scrabble.
When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:


When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole!

Beware! For my place of employment has given me a NEW weapon...THE BUBBLE WRAP!

'I wished upon a falling star to make me stronger. It came true because the next day I was able to stand while watching you walk away.'

"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils"

If you have noticed this notice you will have noticed that this notice is not worth noticing

Two wrongs may not make a right, but three rights make a left.

I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.

The worst time to have a heart attack is when you’re playing charades. No one will believe you.

I’m not sleeping. I’m just looking at the insides of my eyelids

Hear no evil. See no evil. Make some evil

There is no "I" in team but there is an "I" in PIE and there is an "I" in MEATPIE and MEAT is an anagram of TEAM...

Tu madre! Yes, you just got burned in Spanish. Would you like some ice for that Spanish burn?

Remember what you just said, because tomorrow I am going to have a witty and sarcastic comeback and you'll be devastated then!

I'm not insane... i just do whatever the voices tell me to

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves, is it considered a hostage situation?

I am a fruit-loop in a world full of Cheerios.

You can't wait for inspiration; you have to go after it with a club

It's true, Edward Cullen prefers brunettes.

Sorry, Barbie you aren't Bella, and Edward isn't your Ken

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

I smile because I have no idea what's going on!

Life was so simple when boys had cooties

I make the cowardly lion look like the terminator!

We're all a little weird. And life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up in mutual weirdness and call it love.

Want to know who your real friends are? Mess up and see who is still standing beside you.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

With everything that you can do, the real question is what will you do?

Don't drink and drive. You might spill your beer.

Directions to Llama-land:
Left at the rainbow, Right at the unicorn. And if you've passed the penguin, you've gone too far.

heads or tails? heads: your mine, tails: im yours

When the world is ending, I'm throwing the party!

Having the love of your life say, "we can still be friends", is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

I dream of a better world...where chickens can cross roads without having their morals questioned."

They say greener grass on the other side but its probably just artificial turf.

Obstacles are put in our way to see if what we want is really worth fighting for.

Don't fall for someone unless they're willing to catch you.

If you don't understand my silence, then you won't understand my words.

Education is important, school however, is another matter.

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

'Make a bet with me, and I will win. Fight me, and you will loose. Tell me I can't, and I will. Tell me to, and I won't. Dare me, and I'll do it. Say I can, and I will.'

'Try and run from me and I'll trip you before I kick your ass.'

'If I had a baseball bat I'd hit you with it.'

'Try me and see what you get.'

'Hurt the ones I love again and I will show you the meaning of hell on Earth'

'Touch me and you will loose your life.'

'You really shouldn't have pissed off the person who can make your life a living hell.'

'I'll protect my friends because I know they're worth protecting.'

'I don't give crap what they said because everybody has a talent. they are wrong and I know you can be the best you are.'

'Do you really want to try and hurt me?'

"He who laughs last didn't get it."

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility

Agree with me now- it will save sooo much time

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?

Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?

"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes."

"People who say anything's possible haven't tried to slam a revolving door."

Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Hello. You have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are, where you are from, and what you want so there is no need to leave a message.

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill to many people.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.

P.S I never changed, I just got tired of pretending I was happy.

Being mature is overrated.

Being weird is like being normal, only better.

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

I'm not random, i just have many tho- OH A SQUIRREL!

You call me a bitch? Because a bitch is a dog. Dogs bark. Bark grows on trees. Trees are a part of nature. Nature is beautiful. I know I'm beautiful, thanks for noticing.

We're not sarcastic, we're hilarious. We're not annoying, we're just cooler than you. We're not bitches, we just don't like you. We're not obsessed, we're just best friends.

I'm not afraid of Death. What's he going to do, kill me?

It doesn't matter whether the glass is half-full or half-empty. Just drink the damn thing and get it over with.

Remember, it takes forty-two muscles to frown, twenty-eight to smile, but hey, it only takes four to reach out and to punch someone.

Advice is what we ask for when we already have the answer but wish we didn't.

Don't play games with a girl who can play better.

Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.

Pain is inevitable, but suffering is not.

War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame

The past. It's done. It's unchangeable. Move on.

Anyone can give up. It's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it all together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that is true strength.

No one was perfect...well, there was this one guy, but we killed him.

The best things in life are unseen. That's why we close our eyes when we kiss, cry, and dream.

There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who never will. So don't worry about the people in your past. There is a reason they didn't make it to your future.

Judge me and I'll prove you wrong. Tell me what to do, and I'll tell you off. Say I'm not worth it and watch where I end up. Call me a bitch and I'll show you one. Screw me over and I'll do it to you twice as hard. Call me crazy, but you really have no idea.

If it wasn't for physics and the law, hell, I'd be unstoppable.

Fear nothing. Risk everything.

Growing old is mandatory...but growing up my friends, well that is optional.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why people appear bright until you hear them speak.

With everything that you can do, the real question is what will you do?

I intend to live forever. So far, so good...

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

When life hands you a lemon, squirt life in the eye and run like hell.

Suicide is Man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me, I quit.'

Amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Forever isn't as long as it use to be.

Be insane... because well behaved girls never made history.

Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out

Last night I looked up at the stars and matched each star to a reason I loved you. I was doing fine till I ran out of stars.

To the world, you are just one person, but to one person, you are the world

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?

Life isn't passing me by, its trying to run me over.

I see regular people!

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.

FINE= the real definition:

F.reaked Out




It takes 47 muscles to frown, 13 to smile and absolutely none to sit there with a dumb look on your face

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hot-line. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, 6. If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want so stay on the line and we'll trace your call. If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be sent to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you. If you are dyslexic press 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9. If you have a nervous disorder fidget with the hatch key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later and if you have low self esteem, hang up; all our operators are too busy to talk to you.

Some people are alive today, simply because it is illegal to kill them.

Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are the same number of letters?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might actually clean them?

There are no stupid questions – just a bunch of inquisitive idiots.

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that my children is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies.

Your mom looks like Voldemort (oooooh burn)

Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

Don’t mess with me I've got a stick

i had my soul removed to make room for sarcasm and I don't regret it.

Boys are like trees - they take 50 years to grow up.

I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends

Boys are like slinkys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

I ran with scissors, and lived!

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder

I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

It's you and me versus the world...we attack at dawn

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "
Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE . God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person can't.

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is retard cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down. I bet you can't resist passing it on when you're done

93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?" Post this.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs cpoy and psate it in yuor pofrile

For me, crazy is a loose term. Crazy is when you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you what you are doing that is so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour-long sob fest, and then start singing and dancing when your favorite song comes on. Crazy is when you do or say a completely random thing, like "Do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?" or having a thumb war with yourself. Crazy is when you type up all your favorite sayings, print them off and tape them to your wall, just for something to do. Crazy is when you memorize the complete biographies and physical traits of every character in Twilight (or almost, at least). Crazy is when you write Emmett or Edward Cullen is hot on your homework instead of doing it. Crazy is when you draw Edward's face and hot bod all over your Advanced Placement United States History notes when you should be concentrating on the APUSH final the next day.Crazy is when you run into a pole and say as your excuse you were daydreaming about your fictional boyfriend Edward.Crazy is when you're not paying attention when the teacher is rambling and you think of something funny from the other day that you don't realize is funny til that moment and you burst into hysterical laughter and the entire class turns around and stares at you and you look the other way and pretend you don't notice. Crazy is when you star in your own movie and pretend to be an assassin... multiple times. Crazy is when you scream for no reason or sing nursery rhymes.If you're crazy, copy this onto your profile and add something crazy you've done to the list!

Did you know...

kissing is healthy.bananas are good for period's good to cry.chicken soup actually makes you feel better.94 percent of boys would love it if you sent them flowers.lying is actually really only need to apply mascara to your top's actually true, boys DO insult you when they like you.89 percent of guys want YOU to make the first's impossible to apply mascara with your mouth closed.chocolate will make you feel better.most boys think it's cute when you say the wrong thing.a good friend never judges.a good foundation will hide all hickeys... not that you have any.boys aren't worth your tears.we all love surprises.

1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back
of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway
and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in we use answering machines to screen calls
and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone
we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.

9. Only in we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics'
meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'

10. Only in they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.

Stupid Warnings:

This is a list of all the stupid warnings on the products most of us use daily.

1. Childrens Asprin: Warning: Keep Away From Children

2. Peanuts: Warning: Product May Contain Nuts

3. Curling Iron: Warning: Do not use while sleeping

4. Candle: Warning: Warning, A burning candle is fire

5. Frozen Pizza: Warning: Do not eat before cooking

6. Blanket from Taiwan: Warning: Not To Be Used As Protection From A Tornado

7. Frisbee: Warning: May Contain Small Parts

8. Butcher Knife: Warning: Keep Out of Children

9. Railroad Sign: Warning: Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.

10. Hair Coloring: Warning: Do not use as an ice cream topping

11. Dial Soap: Warning: Use like regualr soap

12. Sleeping Pills: Warning: May Cause Drowsiness

13. Puzzle: Warning: Some Assembly Required

14. Japanese Food Processor: Warning: Not to be used for the other use

15. Korean Kitchen Knife: Warning: Not to be used in Children
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation..)

16. On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

17. On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

18. On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

19. On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

20. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

21. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

22. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)Whose body?)

23. On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

24. On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

25. On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

26. On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

27. On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

28. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one..

29. On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

30. On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to have powers.
(Great go ahead and ruin a childs hopes and dreams)

A Hispanic man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only Hispanic man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him.

The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."

The Hispanic man turned around and stood up.

He then said:

"Listen Pendejo...when I was born, I was brown, "
"When I grew up, I was brown, "
"When I'm sick, I'm brown, "
"When I go in the sun, I'm brown, "
"When I'm cold, I'm brown, "
"When I die, I'll be brown ."

"But you pendejo..."
"When you're born, you're pink, "
"When you grow up, you're white, "
"When you're sick, you're green, "
"When you go in the sun, you turn red, "
"When you're cold, you turn blue, "
"And when you die, you turn purple."

"And you have the nerve to call me colored?"

A teenage girl about 17 had gone to visit
some friends one
and time passed quickly as each shared
various experiences of the past year.

She ended up staying longer than
had to walk home alone. She wasn't
because it was a small town and she lived
few blocks away.

As she walked along under the tall elm
Diane asked God to keep her safe from

When she reached the alley, which was a
cut to her house, she decided to take it.

However, halfway down the alley she
man standing at the end as though he
for her.

She became uneasy and began to pray,
God's protection.

Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness
security wrapped round her, she felt as
someone was walking with her.

When she reached the end of the alley,
walked right past the man and arrived

The following day, she read in the
a young girl had been raped in the same
twenty minutes after she had been there.

Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and
that it could have been her, she began to

Thanking the Lord for her safety and to
young woman, she decided to go to the

She felt she could recognize the man, so
them her story.

The police asked her if she would be
willing to
at a lineup to see if she could identify

She agreed and immediately pointed out
she had seen in the alley the night

When the man was told he had been
immediately broke down and confessed.

The officer thanked Diane for her bravery
asked if there was anything they could do

She asked if they would ask the man one

Diane was curious as to why he had not

When the policeman asked him, he
answered, "Because she wasn't alone.
two tall men walking on either side of

Amazingly, whether you believe or not,
never alone. Did you know that 98 of
will not stand up for God?

This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny into your profile to help him gain world domination.



If you have ever fallen down the stairs copy this into your profile

If people think you are mentally insane copy this into your profile

If they are right copy and paste this into your profile

If you have ever tripped over air, copy this into your profile.

If you think everyone's out of their minds (including yourself...but that's a given), copy and paste this to your profile

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa copy this into your profile

If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile!

If you have ever run into a door, copy this into your profile.

If you are a person who acts friendly but has an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination, copy and paste this into your profile. -evil laugh-... parking garage... yellow bunnies... blue m&m's... Aston Martin...

If there are times where you just wanna annoy someone for the heck of it, copy and paste this into your profile

If you have ever run into a tree, copy this to your profile!

If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile.

If you know someone who should get run over by a bus, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever stayed up for over 12 hours just because you frickin' could, copy this into your profile.

If you've ever randomly burst into song, copy and paste this into your profile!

If you've ever spelled your name wrong, copy and paste this into your profile

If you've ever had a really (and I mean really) obvious revelation, such as "my gosh, I get it, it's called fall, because the leaves fall from the trees!" copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever wished you could go into a book and strangle some of the characters for being so incredibly stupid, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think those stupid kids should just give the rabbit the freakin' Trix, copy this into your profile.

If you think that dumb girl from the Eggo commercial should just give her father some freakin' waffles already, copy and paste this into your profile

If you think the Coa-coa Puff Turky Bird thing should go to rehab, copy this into your profile.

If you think that the kids should stop chasing Lucky and leave the leprechaun alone, then copy and paste this into your profile. (Lucky is just a normal leprechaun who wants his cereal)

If you think Fred should just let Barney have the freakin' Coco Pebbles and stop chasing him, then copy and paste this in your profile

if you have ever had a mad laughing fit for absolutely no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever tried to put your hair behind your ears and ended up poking yourself in the eye, copy this into your profile.

If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, add this to your profile.

If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this one your profile.

If you're hyper, like being hyper, and are hyper all the time, copy this into your profile!

If you have ever ran into a mirror, copy this into your profile

If you have ever slapped/punched a relative because they took something of yours, copy this into your profile

Edward can do anything, right?"
But if Edward can do anything, why cant he find me??

If you walk around your house talking to your self about something that happened in one of the twilight books Copy this into your profile

If when ever you are out in public and you hear something relating to Twilight you want to scream and squeal, but you don't 'cause you're in public, so you just get a goofy grin on your face. C&P

If you are in LOVE with Edward Anthony Masen Cullen copy and past this to your profile.

If you think that all other vampire stories are 'fakes' after you've read Twilight C&P

If you think the Cullen's should have their own theme music :o) Copy this to your Profile

If you spit every time you hear vile Mike Newton's name, copy and paste this into your profile

If you love everything about the Twilight series copy and past this to your profile.

If you think Edward Cullen is hot...copy and paste this onto your profile.

If the only thing you think about is the Twilight series copy and past this to your profile.

If you are Obsessed/Addicted to the Twilight series copy and past this to your profile.

When ever you see a shiny silver Volvo you start following it shouting "I LOVE YOU EDWARD CULLEN!" copy this to your profile.

If your in love with a fictional character (like Edward Anthony Mason Cullen) copy and paste this is you profile

"Hell's not so bad if you get to keep an angel with you." ~ Emmett Cullen

Twilight Oath-
I promise to remember Bella
Each time I carelessly fall down
And I promise to remember Edward
Whenever I'm out of town
I promise to obey traffic laws
For Charlies sake of course
And I promise to remember Jacob
When my heart fills with remorse
I promise to remember Carlisle
When ever I am in the Emergency Room
And I promise to remember Emmett
Every time there's a huge boom
I promise to remember Rose
Whenever I see someone that holds pure beauty
And I promise to remember Alice
When I'm at a mall and a cute outfit spots me
I promise to remember Nessie
When I see that beautiful curly hair
And I promise to remember Esme
When someone tells me they care
I promise to remember Jasper
Whenever my emotions are unfurled
And I promise to remember the Volturi
When someone speaks of dominating the world
Yes I promise to love Twilight
Wherever I may go
So that all may see my obsession
Because I know what the Twilighters know

Okay, for the following jokes, i mean no offense to the blonde community. I even have a few blonde friends, and they all rock and are smart, so NO OFFENSE. I'm just posting them here because I think they are quirky and some are funny. NO OFFENSE.

This blonde is driving down an old country road when she spots another blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat.

She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief, she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while.

When she can't stand it any more, she calls out to the blonde in the field,
'Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?'

The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, 'Because it is an ocean of wheat.'

The blonde standing at the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field,

'It is dumb blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name.'

The blonde in the field just shrugs her shoulders and begins rowing again.

The blonde on the side of the road is beside herself and shakes her fist at the blonde in the field yelling,
'If I could swim, I would come out there and kick your butt!"

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.

The first blonde said, 'These look like deer tracks,'
and the other one said, 'No they look like moose tracks.'

They argued and argued for a quite while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

One day this blonde calls her friend and says,
'Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't even figure out how to start it.'

Her friend asks, 'What is it a puzzle of?'

The blonde says, 'From the picture on the box, it's a tiger.'

Well, the friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the pieces spread all over the table.

He studies them for a moment, then studies the box.

He turns to her and says, 'Well, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.'

She asks, 'Oh, how come?'

He says, 'Look, never mind, let's just relax, have a cup of coffee and we'll put all these cornflakes back in the box.'

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

How do you drown a blonde?
put a mirror at the bottom of a pool (jacob said this!)

Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Why do blondes have 'TGIF' written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.

Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.

How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.

Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said 'Disneyland Left' so they turned around and went home.

A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation.

After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies' room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, 'Welcome to the ladies' room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!'

The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, 'I think I'm the most beautiful of us three' and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.

The redhead stepped up and said, 'I think I'm the most talented of us three,' and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Jaguar in her hands.

Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, 'I think...' and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

The police department, famous for its superior canine (K-9) unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.

Returning home from work a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash the blonde ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, 'I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!'

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don 't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"


1) When a person in the elevator repeatedly pushes a button (such as "close" or "open") say, "Congratulations, you figured out that if you push the button 20 times, it works quicker"

2) When the elevator doors shut, reassuringly say, "It's ok, they will open up again!"

3)Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

4) Whistle the first seven notes of "Its a Small World" incessantly.

5) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

6) Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.

7) Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

8) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

9) Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

10) Stare, grinning, at another passenger for awhile, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

11) Meow occasionally.

12) Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

13) Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

14) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

15) Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

16) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

17) When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"

18) Say "Ding!" at each floor.

19) Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

20) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

21) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

22) Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

23) Put a box on the floor and whenever somebody comes in, say "Do you hear clicking?"

Things to do when you're in Wal-Mart!

1. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

2. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

3. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

4. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

5. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

6. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

7. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"

8. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

9. When you are at the cash paying, ask: "Can I have fries with that?"


A girl and guy were speeding over 100mph on a motorcycle

Girl: Slow down, I'm scared!

Guy: No, this is fun.

Girl: No, it's not. Please, I'm scared.

Guy: Then tell me you love me.

Girl: I love you, now slow down!

Guy: Now give me a big hug.

She gives him a big hug

Guy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on yourself, it's bothering me.

In the newspaper the next day, a motorcycle had crashed into a building because of break failure. Two people were on it and only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized his break wasn't working but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead he had her hug him and tell him one last time that she loved him. Then he had her put on his helmet so that she could live.

Mommy...Johnny brought a gun to school,

He told his friends that it was cool,

And when he pulled the trigger back,

It shot with a great, huge crack.

Mommy, I was a good girl, I did what I was told,

I went to school, I got straight A's, I even got the gold!

When I went to school that day, I never said good-bye.

I'm sorry that I had to go,But Mommy, please don't cry.

When Johnny shot the gun,he hit me and another,

And all because Johnny, got the gun from his brother.

Mommy, please tell Daddy; That I love him very much,

And please tell Zack; my boyfriend;

That it wasn't just a crush.

And tell my little sister; That she is the only one now,

And tell my dear sweet grandmother;I'll be waiting for her now

And tell my wonderful friends; That they always were the best Mommy,

I'm not the first, I'm no better than the rest

Mommy, tell my teachers; I won't show up for class,

And never to forget this, And please don't let this pass

Mommy, why'd it have to be me? No one, though. deserves this.

But mommy, it's not fair, I left without a kiss.

And Mommy tell the doctors;

I know that they really did try

I think I even saw one doctor, trying not to cry.

Mommy, I'm slowly dying, with a bullet in my chest,

But Mommy please remember, I'm in heaven with the rest When I heard that great, big crack,I ran as fast as I could

please listen to me if you would,

I wanted to go to college, I wanted to try things that were new

I guess I'm not going with Daddy, On that trip to the new zoo

I wanted to get married, I wanted to have a kid,

I wanted to be an actress, I really wanted to live.

But Mommy I must go now, The time is getting late,

Mommy, tell my Zack, I'm sorry I had to cancel the date.

I love you Mommy, I always have, I know you know its true

And Mommy all I need to say is, "Mommy, I love you"

This poem is to remember the students of Columbine, Virginia Tech, and all the other kids who were shot in school shootings and never got to say goodbye.

Month one

I am only 8 inches long
but I have all my organs.
I love the sound of your voice.
Every time I hear it
I wave my arms and legs.
The sound of your heart beat
is my favorite lullaby.

Month Two

today I learned how to suck my thumb.
If you could see me
you could definitely tell that I am a baby.
I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though.
It is so nice and warm in here.

Month Three

You know what Mommy
I'm a boy!
I hope that makes you happy.
I always want you to be happy.
I don't like it when you cry.
You sound so sad.
It makes me sad too
and I cry with you even though
you can't hear me.

Month Four

my hair is starting to grow.
It is very short and fine
but I will have a lot of it.
I spend a lot of my time exercising.
I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes
and stretch my arms and legs.
I am becoming quite good at it too.

Month Five

You went to the doctor today.
Mommy, he lied to you.
He said that I'm not a baby.
I am a baby Mommy, your baby.
I think and feel.
Mommy, what's abortion?

Month Six

I can hear that doctor again.
I don't like him.
He seems cold and heartless.
Something is intruding my home.
The doctor called it a needle.
Mommy what is it? It burns!
Please make him stop!
I can't get away from it!
Mommy! HELP me!

Month Seven

I am okay.
I am in Jesus arms.
He is holding me.
He told me about abortion.
Why didn't you want me Mommy?

Every Abortion Is Just . . .

One more heart that was stopped.
Two more eyes that will never see.
Two more hands that will never touch.
Two more legs that will never run.
One more mouth that will never speak.

If you're against abortion, re-post this and if you almost cried post this in your profile

My name is Sarah

I am but three,

My eyes are swollen

I cannot see,

I must be stupid

I must be bad,

What else could have made

My daddy so mad?

I wish I were better

I wish I weren't ugly,

Then maybe my mommy

Would still want to hug me.

I can't speak at all

I can't do a wrong

Or else I'm locked up

All the day long

When I awake I'm all alone

The house is dark

My folks aren't home.

When my mommy does come

I'll try and be nice,

So maybe I'll get just

One whipping tonight

Don't make a sound!

I just heard a car

my daddy is back

From Charlie's Bar.

I hear him curse

My name he calls

I press myself

Against the wall.

I try and hide

from his evil eyes

I'm so afraid now

I'm starting to cry.

He finds me weeping

He shouts ugly words,

He says its my fault

That he suffers at work.

He slaps me and hits me

And yells at me more,

I finally get free

And I run for the door.

He's already locked it

And I start to bawl,

He takes me and throws me

Against the hard wall.

I fall to the floor

With my bones nearly broken,

And my daddy continues

With more bad words spoken.

"I'm sorry!", I scream

But its now much too late

His face has been twisted

Into unimaginable hate.

The hurt and the pain

Again and again

Oh please God, have mercy!

Oh please let it end!

And he finally stops

And heads for the door,

While I lay there motionless

Sprawled on the floor.

My name is Sarah

And I am but three,

Tonight my daddy,

Murdered me.

Her name was Aurora
She was only five
This is what happened
When she was alive

Her dad was a drunk
Her mom was an addict
Her parents kept her
Locked in an attic

Her only friend
was a little toy bear
It was old and worn out
And had patches of hair

She always talked to it
When no one's around
She lays there and hugs it
Not a peep of sound

Until her parents
unlock the door
Some more and more pain
She'll have to endure

A bruise on her leg
A scar on her face
Why would she be
In such a horrible place?

But she grabs her bear
And softly cries
She loves her parents
But they want her to die

She sits in the corner
Quiet but thinking,
" God, why? Why is
My life always sinking? "

Such a bad life
For a sad little kid
She'd get beaten and beaten
For anything she did

Then one night
Her mom came home high
The poor child was hit and slapped
As hours went by

Then her mom suddenly
Grabbed for a blade
It was sharp and pointy
One that she made

She thrusted the blade
Right in her chest,
" You deserve to die
You worthless pest! "

The mom walked out
Leaving the girl slowly dying
She grabbed her bear
And again started crying

Police showed up
At the small little house
They quickly barged in
Everything was as quiet as a mouse

One officer slowly
Opened a door
To find the sad little girl
Lying on the floor

It must have been bad
To go through so much harm
But at least she died
With her best friend in her arms

copy and paste this if you are against child abuse and want to kick all of the abusers butts cause you hate 'em!

I went to a party, Mom
And remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom
So I had a Sprite instead.

I felt proud of myself,
The way you said I would,
That I didn't drink and drive,
Though some friends said I should.

I made a healthy choice,
And your advice to me was right,
The party finally ended,
And the kids drove out of sight.

I got into my car,
Sure to get home in one piece,
I never knew what was coming, Mom
Something I expected least.

Now Im lying on the pavement,
And I hear the policeman say,
The kid that caused this wreck was drunk,
Mom, his voice seems far away.

My own bloods all around me,
As I try hard not to cry.
I can hear the paramedic say,
This girl is going to die.

Im sure the guy had no idea,
While he was flying high,
Because he chose to drink and drive,
Now I would have to die.

So why do people do it, Mom
Knowing that it ruins lives?
And now the pain is cutting me,
Like a hundred stabbing knives.

Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom
Tell daddy to be brave,
And when I go to heaven,
Put Daddys Girl on my grave.

Someone should have taught him,
That it's wrong to drink and drive.
Maybe if his parents had,
Id still be alive.

My breath is getting shorter, Mom
Im getting really scared.
These are my final moments,
And Im so unprepared.

I wish that you could hold me Mom,
As I lie here and die.
I wish that I could say I love you, Mom
So I love you and good-bye.

One message: Don't drink and drive!

And that's my profile!!

Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

One Night in Vegas by xMrs.Gregory.Housex reviews
ALL HUMAN. FULL SUMMARY INSIDE.SMUTFUL. After going through a horrible divorce, Bella finds herself in Vegas with her best friend Alice in hopes to lose herself and momentarily forget the pain of lost love for a night.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 35 - Words: 72,450 - Reviews: 1220 - Favs: 878 - Follows: 984 - Updated: 3/21/2014 - Published: 9/12/2008 - Bella, Edward
Dark Whispers by Oriana de la Rose reviews
Bella and Jasper are siblings suffering years of abuse. In the fury of the moment, Jasper kills their father, and they run to NYC. When Jasper starts to express more than just brotherly love for his little sister, things turn twisted.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 23 - Words: 86,114 - Reviews: 3259 - Favs: 2,104 - Follows: 1,360 - Updated: 7/18/2013 - Published: 6/29/2009 - Bella, Jasper - Complete
Barely Beating by ashinourhearts reviews
When the abuse became too much for him, Edward joined a gang as an outlet. But what he didn't expect was meeting Bella and having her change his life completely. Full summary inside.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 25 - Words: 88,988 - Reviews: 170 - Favs: 106 - Follows: 119 - Updated: 6/11/2012 - Published: 7/20/2009 - Bella, Edward
Grasping Darkness by KiyaRaven reviews
She dreams of darkness. Lust. Passion. The man she fantasizes about has it all, especially the darkness. The problem is, he's not really a man. Rated M for language & dark themes.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Suspense/Romance - Chapters: 29 - Words: 267,922 - Reviews: 8334 - Favs: 5,748 - Follows: 4,226 - Updated: 4/13/2012 - Published: 10/31/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
The Ex Factor : Edward & Bella by AngelAtTwilight reviews
Edward & Bella are exes. 4 years later, fate gives them a new hand by reuniting them together in their father's joint cabin, with the assistance of their clashing friends. How will it end? Hmm. *AH, OOC, A/L, Canon/Uncanon couples.*
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 40 - Words: 786,765 - Reviews: 9282 - Favs: 6,958 - Follows: 3,375 - Updated: 1/25/2011 - Published: 1/2/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Beautiful Strangers by lewiecullen reviews
Bella thinks that she's escaped her frightening past with Jacob bashing her...she finds Edward, the love of her life. But what will happen when Jacob comes back to find her, will Edward be able to save her this time? M 4 LEMONS!A/H! "An outstanding story"
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 25 - Words: 50,284 - Reviews: 264 - Favs: 242 - Follows: 80 - Updated: 12/14/2010 - Published: 8/19/2009 - Edward, Bella - Complete
Maid for Me by Kassiah reviews
Edward comes home to be the Best Man in his sister's wedding, standing up for a guy he can't stand and next to girl he can't figure out. What will happen when he discovers that the Maid of Honor isn't who he thought she was?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 7,567 - Reviews: 94 - Favs: 351 - Follows: 121 - Published: 6/24/2010 - Edward, Bella - Complete
The Screamers by KiyaRaven reviews
Street kid. Rockstar. Worlds apart and yet so similar. Sometimes fate throws people together for a reason, and sometimes two people that rub each other the wrong way make the best sparks. All Human **WARNING: MOSTLY HUMOR BUT ALSO CONTAINS ANGST & DARK THEMES**
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 39 - Words: 358,773 - Reviews: 12524 - Favs: 7,130 - Follows: 3,480 - Updated: 6/2/2010 - Published: 5/23/2009 - Edward, Bella - Complete
Ragweeds by AngelAtTwilight reviews
Bella & Edward are two broken kids in foster care who meet under tragic circumstances. When the world wants them apart, fate seals them together. Can they fight to stay together? And at what cost? ** Angst, Cursing, Physical Abuse. OOC**
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 11 - Words: 91,560 - Reviews: 2288 - Favs: 1,391 - Follows: 1,460 - Updated: 5/22/2010 - Published: 10/24/2009 - Edward, Bella
Sand, Surf and Sex by Wanderlust-Within reviews
Bella moves to Manhattan Beach when her mom dies in a car accident. When she moves into her dad's beach house she secretly admires the neighbours son, who secretly admires her too.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 17 - Words: 53,285 - Reviews: 488 - Favs: 516 - Follows: 308 - Updated: 5/12/2010 - Published: 12/17/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Alone by shaunna100 reviews
Edward broke all of his limits, and slept with Bella. Now Edward is gone, and Bella is pregnant. She thinks she doesn't need Edward, but as the reality of having a baby sets in, she quickly realizes that she does need him. But will they ever reunite?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 33 - Words: 67,130 - Reviews: 1438 - Favs: 1,186 - Follows: 603 - Updated: 4/11/2010 - Published: 7/15/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Alphabet Weekends by the-glory-days reviews
Bored with their dismal love lives, best friends Edward and Bella come up with the idea of exploring the world of sex using the alphabet for the next twenty-six weekends. What happens when things go from two friends having fun to something serious? AH OOC
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 34 - Words: 124,991 - Reviews: 11415 - Favs: 11,194 - Follows: 5,820 - Updated: 3/13/2010 - Published: 3/12/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
I Get Off by Britpacksuccubus reviews
When Bella becomes Edward's assistant and moves in across the street, what will happen when he takes in the view? And not just those of the skyline... AH, OOC, *Mature Adult for Language and Graphic Lemons
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 224 - Reviews: 1655 - Favs: 1,439 - Follows: 1,673 - Updated: 2/17/2010 - Published: 7/20/2009 - Bella, Edward
Homeless, a Mother, a teenager, and Somehow Loved by Ms. Jessica Cullen reviews
I looked down at my freezing daughter, Nessie, in tears, I screamed, wanting to help her, do anything to help her. "Hello, miss? do you need any help with your daughter?" that's how my story with Edward Cullen began. Part Crack Fic!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 27 - Words: 114,138 - Reviews: 688 - Favs: 667 - Follows: 278 - Updated: 2/14/2010 - Published: 9/8/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Pinholes and Passageways by dolphin62598 reviews
Edward watches Bella from the two apartments on either side of hers. What happens when Bella discovers a peephole and pays him a visit? AH, OOC "Mentalward" Contest Entry
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 5,655 - Reviews: 148 - Favs: 193 - Follows: 88 - Published: 12/2/2009 - Edward, Bella - Complete
The Ex Factor: Outtakes by AngelAtTwilight reviews
If you enjoy "The Ex Factor: Edward & Bella", and have read it all, then you will love these outtakes. Dipping into the past, both before and after their reconciliation, these outtakes are not to be missed!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 9 - Words: 105,330 - Reviews: 780 - Favs: 509 - Follows: 452 - Updated: 11/5/2009 - Published: 6/5/2009 - Edward, Bella
Killer Queen by edwardisaputz reviews
Bella is a hired gun who wants her past to stay there. But life doesn't always work out how we want it. Her next target? Edward Cullen, her first love. Can she pull the trigger? AH, OOC, canon couples.Adult language, situations, and lemons.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 23 - Words: 55,091 - Reviews: 192 - Favs: 127 - Follows: 56 - Updated: 10/20/2009 - Published: 6/14/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Prince On A White Horse by jewlzncoolz reviews
Bella is a bad girl with a careless attitude. When she is forced to go live with her father and his family, will she cope? will she decided to change her ways? or will a prince on a white horse dazzle her back to goodness?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 40 - Words: 77,382 - Reviews: 1094 - Favs: 492 - Follows: 264 - Updated: 7/4/2009 - Published: 2/1/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Wrapped Around Her Little Finger by Grace Cullen reviews
Edward finds 4 year old Bella lost in the forest, and he becomes her best friend but when she moves and comes back 13 years later she meets Tanya who has set her eye on Edward and will eliminate anyone who ruins her chances with him, which means Bella.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 27 - Words: 34,485 - Reviews: 926 - Favs: 583 - Follows: 304 - Updated: 5/9/2009 - Published: 10/10/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Trying to Compare to a Greek God by Princess LeBlanc reviews
What happens when Bella gets pregnant and decides she has to keep her figure to be able to proudly stand next to her Greek God Edward? A lot of frustration, hormones, sweat and tears. BellaxEdward
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 16 - Words: 27,047 - Reviews: 133 - Favs: 61 - Follows: 77 - Updated: 1/8/2009 - Published: 6/26/2008 - Bella, Edward
California, Here I come by Twilight Halo reviews
Bella is forced to move to California since her parents are unable to take care of her. Child Society puts her in with one of the richest families in the OC- the Cullens. Bella has to deal with peer pressure, and stuck up player Edward Cullen. ALL HUMAN!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 18 - Words: 37,667 - Reviews: 821 - Favs: 433 - Follows: 563 - Updated: 12/13/2008 - Published: 7/15/2008 - Edward, Bella
To scared to talk by Jennifer1 reviews
Something happened to Bella. Something bad. Something she blames herself for. Please read and review. AH
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 9 - Words: 7,783 - Reviews: 76 - Favs: 26 - Follows: 49 - Updated: 12/10/2008 - Published: 11/12/2008 - Bella, Edward
Be Careful What You Wish For by RegretNotForgetNot reviews
Ever wonder how it'd feel like to wake up *AS* Bella Swan? Ever want Edward for yourself? Ohhhh, it's all fun and games until this one girl actually got SUCKED into Stephenie Meyer's TWILIGHT! Read on ExB
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 7 - Words: 17,944 - Reviews: 54 - Favs: 24 - Follows: 32 - Updated: 10/12/2008 - Published: 9/19/2008 - Edward, Bella
Cutting by Jamillia reviews
Edward gets a look at exactly how much pain his leaving caused. Warning: Cutting
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 29 - Words: 24,304 - Reviews: 301 - Favs: 146 - Follows: 90 - Updated: 9/22/2008 - Published: 8/25/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Cars by sambeam reviews
Bella and Edward go for a drive. One shot. Lemon.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,241 - Reviews: 167 - Favs: 173 - Follows: 36 - Published: 6/25/2008 - Complete