Author has written 11 stories for Death Note, Vampire Knight, Twilight, Shugo Chara!, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, Misc. Anime/Manga, and Les Misérables.
Name: Call me JC, Jake, or more likely, Thirteen
Age: 1996 Baby
Life: Oh, where can I download one?
Interests: Manga, anime, Pokemon, Les Miserables
Nothing Gold Can Stay
Nature's first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold
Her early leafs a flower
But only so an hour
So leaf subsides to leaf
And Eden sank in grief
So dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay
Love me or hate me that's your obsession
Love me or hate me that's the question
If you love the then thank you
If you hate me then fuck you
Disorder Rating Information:
Paranoid:High click for info
Schizoid:High click for info
Schizotypal:High click for info
Antisocial:Low click for info
Borderline:Moderate click for info
Histrionic:Low click for info
Narcissistic:Low click for info
Avoidant:Very High click for info
Dependent:Moderate click for info
Obsessive-Compulsive:Moderate click for info
"REMEMBER WHEN ..
getting HIGH meant swinging at a playground?
the worst thing you could get from a boy was COOTIES?
'Mom' (was your hero)
and 'Dad' was the boy you were gonna marry?
when your WORST ENEMIES were your siblings
and RACE ISSUES were about who ran fastest?
when - WAR- was a card game
and life was simple and care free?
remember when all you wanted to do
WAS GROW UP?"
100 Things to do when ordering a pizza by phone
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST- EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master of Puppets" CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be 10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." .Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
84. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
100. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say #100. in your best pouty voice,
"Last guy let me do it."
Copy and paste this into your profile if when you were young... There were only 150 Pokemon. Digimon was popular. Yugi-Oh actually had Yugi in it. You didn’t get weird looks when you went Trick-or-Treating. Nobody cared what you looked like. Hamtaro ROCKED. Catching a pidgeon was cool. Pirates before Pirates of the Carribean. Nobody knew how to spell 'Volcano'. Pinky and the brain were cartoon characters, not body parts. Saying 'moron' was a swear word. Fire was considered dangerous. The only thing you had to worry about were cooties. Cursive writing was just a bunch of swirly lines. Multiplication was scary. Dora the Explorer and that goddamned monkey who follows her EVERYWHERE didn't exist.The first Harry Potter was the coolest thing since sliced bread.
1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, liposuction and air conditioning.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.
7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans... Re-post this if you believe in legalizing gay marriage
HOMOPHOBIA IS GAY
I am the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag everyday
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had.
I wish they could adopt me.
I am not one of the lucky ones.
I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school.
It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the Realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised.
The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the woman who died when the EMT s stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn't have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love. I am the person ashamed to tell my own friends I'm a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them.
I am the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die because two straight men wanted to "teach me a lesson"
--IF YOU BELIEVE THAT HOMOPHOBIA IS WRONG... REPOST THIS--
98 percent of teenagers do or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who hasn't copy & paste this in your profile.
If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or pulled the handle on a door that said push, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever tripped over your own feet copy and paste this into your profile.
If you like chocolate as much as I do copy this in your profile.
If you've ever wondered what you are like in another dimension copy and paste this in your profile.
If you have ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of you because of its effects copy this into your profile
There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree copy this and put it in your profile.
If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for absolutely no reason copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have spelled your name wrong paste this in your profile
If you have ever tripped over air copy this into your profile
If you hear voices in your head and know that they are real put this on your profile.
If you think that being unique is better than being cool then put this on your profile.
If you believe that preps travel in packs then place this on your profile.
If you have ever felt the undenilable urge to slam your head into something, whether it is another person or not, copy this into your profile.
If you are odd and proud of it put this on your profile.
If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions (more like days)
“Everyday I think people can't get any stupider, and everyday I'm proven horribly wrong.”
"If Tylenol, Duck Tape, and a Band Aid can't fix it, then you have a serious problem."
"A wise man once said, "I don't know - go ask a woman
"Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are okay, you're it."
"My mother told me not to talk to strangers. I never talk to myself anymore."
"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't following me!"
"My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems."
Never knock on Death's door, ring the doorbell and run away... he hates that."
"You say you dislike me, but deep down, you know you hate me."
"You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you're all the same"
"I'm an angel! Honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo up straight!"
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming like the passengers in his car."
"Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject"
"They say the truth will set you free. But then why is it that every time I tell the truth I get sent to my room?"
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
He's so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor. - Paddy O'Dea
If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet
A day without sunshine is like...night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
42.7 percent of statistics are made up on the spot.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
A clear conscience is ususally a sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
OK. . .so what's the speed of dark?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
Eagles may soar, but bunnies don't get sucked into jet engines.
Why do psychics have to ask your name?
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
I smile because I have no idea what's going on
People who say anything's possible haven't tried to slam a revolving door.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought
There is no I in team but the is an I in PIE and there is an I in MEATPIE and MEAT is an anagram of TEAM...
Everything here is eatable. Even I'm eatable, but that is called cannibalism, my dear children, and is frowned upon in most societies. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
It's always the last place you look...of course it is, why the hell would I keep looking after I found it?
They say, Guns don't kill people, people kill people. Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill to many people.
Remember what you just said, because tomorrow I am going to have a witty and sarcastic comeback and you'll be devastated then
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not.
I know water doesn't bite What a stupid thing to say Water doesn't have to bite you You drown in it you moron -Stewie Griffin
You know, You keep saying that word, I do not think that means what you think it means. Inigo Montoya
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya, You killed my father, prepare to die. Inigo Montoya
Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day but set the man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
I'm not insane... I just do whatever the voices tell me to.
Guys should be like lattes-rich, strong, and hot
Boys are like trees-they take 50 years to grow up.
Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.
When I say LOL I'm not laughing out loud. I just have nothing better to say.
I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.
I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.
When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide. (not advised if there is lightning)
I don't obsess I think intensely.
Be who you are and say what you feel for those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind- Dr.Suess
If you have ever read a 250 pg book in less than one day, copy and paste this into your profile. How about a 500?
If you actually know what a semi-colon is, copy and paste this into your profile.
Can you raed tihs? Olny srmat poelpe can. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. If you can raed tihs cpoy and ptsae
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Apparently 1 in 5 people are Chinese; there are five people in my family so it must be one of them. it's ether my mom or dad, or my older brother Collin, or my younger brother Ho-chan-chu, but I think it's Collin.
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?
If you are good you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good you will get out of it.
A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
Sometimes you're the windshield, but sometimes you gotta be the bug.
Always listen to experts- they'll tell you confidently what can't be done and why. Then go ahead and do it.
At my lemonade stand I used to give away the first glass for free, and charge five dollars for the refill. It contained the antidote.
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.
Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.
Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
People who say it can't be done should not interrupt those of us who are doing it.
Write only if you cannot live without writing. Write only what you alone can write.
You don't write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say.
The act of writing is the act of discovering what you believe. (I apparently believe in putting vampires in incredibly awkward situations.)
Asking a writer what he thinks about criticism is like asking a lamppost what it thinks about dogs.
My friends are the type of people who would try to drown a fish, but I love them anyway.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, Where have I gone wrong? Then a voice says to me, This is going to take more than one night.
The buddy system is essential to survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
I like you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.
I'm not ALWAYS late. Sometimes i just don't show up.
You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
Education is important; school however, is another matter.
I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse. (My friend actually believed me when I told her this)
Evening News is where they begin with Good Evening then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Don't follow in my footsteps; I tend to walk into walls.
There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can't count.
I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call a floor - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.
Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
Who was the first person to say, See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt”?
Dream big dreams, because little dreams have no magic.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves, is it considered a hostage situation?
Sometimes I wonder 'why is the Frisbee getting bigger?' then it hits me.
The dinosaurs extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.
Doctors say I have multiple personality disorder. We disagree with that.
So what I’ve got a smile on, but it’s hiding the quiet superstitions in my head.
I didn’t say that it was your fault…I said I was going to blame you.
I love my computer, because my friends live in it.
I'm the person your mother warned you about.
I hear voices, and they don't like you.
Can't anybody who has a job go in the employees only doors at restaurants? Shouldn’t they be more specific and say employees of this place only ?
Stop Potato Violence!!
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me
Even if the voices aren't real...they have some good ideas
You call me crazy, I've been called worse by the voices in my head.
No I won't go to hell it has a restraining order against me
If you think that those stupid kids should just give that God-forsaken Trix rabbit some Trix copy this into your profile
Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know what to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, then weird is good! If you are weird and proud of it, copy this into your profile!
Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this.
I want child abuse to stop, and if you do, too, copy and paste this onto your profile.
My name is Sarah
I am but three,
My eyes are swollen
I cannot see,
I must be stupid I must be bad,
What else could have made
My daddy so mad?
I wish I were better
I wish I weren't ugly,
Then maybe my mommy
Would still want to hug me.
I can't speak at all I can't do a wrong
Or else I'm locked up
All the day long
When I awake I'm all alone
The house is dark
My folks aren't home.
When my mommy does come
I'll try and be nice,
So maybe I'll get just
One whipping tonight
Don't make a sound!
I just heard a car
My daddy is back
From Charlie's Bar.
I hear him curse
My name he calls
I press myself
Against the wall.
I try and hide
From his evil eyes
I'm so afraid now
I'm starting to cry.
He finds me weeping
He shouts ugly words,
He says its my fault
That he suffers at work.
He slaps me and hits me
And yells at me more,
I finally get free
And I run for the door.
He's already locked it
And I started to bawl,
He takes me and throws me
Against the hard wall.
I fall to the floor
With my bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continues
With more bad words spoken.
"I'm sorry!", I scream
But its now much too late
His face has been twisted
Into unimaginable hate.
The hurt and the pain
Again and again
Oh please God, have mercy!
Oh please let it end!
And he finally stops
And heads for the door,
While I lay there motionless
Sprawled on the floor.
My name is Sarah
And I am but three,
Tonight my daddy,
child abuse, MAKE IT STOP!
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure?)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation..)
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(But no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(Somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
On artificial bacon:
"Real artificial bacon bits".
(We don't get fake fake bacon. We get real fake bacon.)
On an American Flag:
Made in China
Next to a kid's place:
In a Parking Lot:
Do not park in the parking lot.
(That's okay, the streets are empty.)
This has got to be one of the most clever
brainteasers I've seen in a while.
Someone out there either has too much
spare time, or is really good at Scrabble.
When you rearrange the letters:
When you rearrange the letters:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
When you rearrange the letters:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ELECTION - RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
How to scare your roommate:
1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before he/she goes to class.
2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."
3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is. -
4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.
5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious."
6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.
7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man to find.
8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does so.
10. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist..."
11. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."
12. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
13. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
14. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning.
15. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.
16. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.
17. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me."
18. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.
19. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings.
20. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.
21. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi."
22. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.
23. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.
24. Roller-skate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that he/she looked like "the enemy."
25. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping, and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.
26. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something.
27. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."
28. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat."
29. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.
30. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.