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Litany of Hate & Intelligo: Fan-Fiction Superheroes.
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(Reverse Chronological Order — GO!)
I couldn't even make it through your second chapter.
Your grammar is terrible. Repeated "to" and "too" confusion is the lowest form of error. If you can't get this right you have no business writing anything. I'm not even going into the other numerous errors in grammar as it would be a waste of my time.
Your punctuation is terrible. "This?!" is a failure to use proper punctuation. Superfluous commas, inability to discern between separate paragraphs, incorrect usage of apostrophes, and practically choking your reader with ellipses.
Your dialogue is terrible and everyone is a mouthbreather.
My personal favorite: "...he swung a punch at him. Naruto caught it and bounced it back at the man. The man went flying from his own attack."
Exactly how stupid are you? Do you even know how arms work? I recommend you practice this technique in your spare time by repeatedly punching yourself in the face.
This fiction is seriously bad and should be avoided by everyone.
@Naruto One Man Team, Ch 4
I have read many terrible fan-fictions and this is one of them.
Your characters are the biggest mess I've ever seen. Your actual writing mechanics are mostly (mostly) solid which is why it utterly boggles the mind that you do not even make an effort when it comes to your characters. This entire fiction comes off as a self-insert of a twelve year old boy who lacks any kind of power in real life and is mad at the world. This fiction is rated M so why is it being written by a preteen?
Your dialogue is atrocious and I'm actually embarrassed FOR you after reading it. The super drama lines from Naruto are the worst. Keep that flowery wannabe impressive BS to yourself. My eyes are literally tired from rolling. You can't write a character to save your life.
Your fiction is written terribly. Here is why, point by point:
There is no "civilian council" in Konoha; it is a military dictatorship. The people of Konoha did not ever actively break in to Naruto's home and try to kill him, directly or indirectly. Just stop. This is completely played out. Ignoring a young child and acting like they don't exist is nearly as damaging to them psychologically. The violence is unnecessary and contrived. These people would be arrested or summarily executed on the spot. You can take as much license with the Naruto universe as you like in YOUR fan-fiction as long as you make it believable. This, however, is simply absurd.
People throwing away technique scrolls. Wow, I'm sure this happens all the time. Detailed instruction manuals on esoteric arts like single handed seals are something you can pick up anywhere at a corner store, not secret family treasures that are horded for the advantage and prestige they can lend one's clan. Fuck that noise! It's cluttering my coffee table and it has to go!
Knives are not trash. Kunai are not gum wrappers to be left lying about everywhere in fields for Naruto to stumble upon. Also? It's called rust and it's a wanker to clean off (real weapons are not made from stainless steel, tools are). I doubt Naruto has a grinding wheel for planing an edge or reshaping a tip.
You know nothing about laying a trap. Stop writing about them until you've researched them. If your bed is trapped you're not going to see the mechanism that takes your life or the trigger. Trapping a box-spring mattress is dead easy — it already has springs and it's a self-contained unit. It would only fail through sheer luck or incompetence (or stupid authoring). Poison. Hello? Right on the doorknob. Or lye just for the lulz.
No teacher for a twelve year old ninja wannabe and no team. Wow, I don't even. There's so much to point out here I have no clue where to start. The stupid burns. Not even going to try to point out everything wrong here. I could probably write an entire book about it. If you can't see the problem you have no business publishing anything.
The scene with Kakashi at the memorial stone was like rage-amphetamines for me. If some snot nosed brat came up to me while I was staring at the grave of my best friend and had the gall to tell me I should move on with my life, when he has never lost ANYONE important to him AND has no idea whom or what he's talking about, I would spit on the little bastard (and I'd be thinking about murder). That's some condescending bullshit right there. Grown ass man can't even mourn in peace without some twelve year fuckwit old turning up and telling him how to live his life like a self-righteous prick. What the fuck is wrong with you? If you were trying to impress your readers we're only impressed by what a giant twat you are.
Team Seven (and, really, everyone else) is completely over-the-top out of character. I mean, Sasuke actually asserting that he outranks Iruka because he is an Uchiha... seriously. Headdesk yourself. Kiba actually referring to himself as "alpha". Brush your teeth with a brick.
Your "more mature than everyone else" Naruto baits his comrades just as much as they do it to him, and just as poorly. The difference? When they do it they get reprimanded by their seniors; when Naruto does it they smile. Two prepubescent boys having a dick measuring contest is annoying, not amusing. Attacking each other with deadly weapons is ignored. I guess it would be inconvenient to your plot to have them both serve prison sentences for being jackasses and having their headbands taken away. Nope, that's what would happen if anyone in this fiction had a brain. No chance of that, then.
No way in hell was that an "S-Rank" mission. You know what was "S-Rank" about it? The secrecy of the information. No fresh untested genin, no matter how skilled, is going to be doing work with sensitive information. I don't CARE that you think Naruto and the Hokage have a close personal relationship. That shit flies straight out the window when you are talking about sensitive compartmentalized information. The Hokage has entire DEPARTMENTS dedicated to analyzing, decrypting, securing, and storing secrets — without risking any one person knowing too much. No one talks more than a kid. There is NO WAY IN HELL he would be trusted with secrets unless they WANTED them to get out, intentionally. Also, Naruto would cause so much more work and headache as now the Hokage needs to have all the work Naruto just did revised by experts who actually know what they are doing... while using a "filing system" developed by a CHILD... and did I mention the fact that he was actually allowed to LEAVE THE PREMISES with sensitive information not a month after he was involved in a counter-intel op? What the shit! You even have him ambushed right after he leaves the tower. I don't even...
Then he doesn't tell Sarutobi about his encounter with Danzo's thugs? You're just underscoring my point that he cannot be trusted with intel and your own lack of intelligence.
Naruto is NOT a seal master. I don't care how "smart" anyone thinks he is — including the Hokage — he's a freaking kid. He does not have the life experience or the temperament to go analyzing the work of someone several decades his senior nor toying with the life of a senior kunoichi to satisfy his own goddamned curiosity. He would be laughed out of the Hokage's office for making this request! Like he can even understand the level of the things he's reading? This is like a twelve year old reading quantum physics with no background and no frame of reference deconstructing theories built from scratch by a pioneer of the field and a certified genius. That's idiotic and you should feel idiotic.
The Hinata-Kiba scene outside of Ichiraku made me laugh out loud. You try to make some kind of preachy point about how Hinata is not property... but then have Naruto say it. It's "her choice" who she wants to be with... yet she can't speak for herself. How about defend herself? Kiba is TOUCHING a jyuuken user who wants to get away from him. Pretty sure she would annihilate him if you could pencil her in a spine. Nope! If something worthwhile needs to be done Naruto's gotta be he one to do it so he can be cooler than everyone else (he's you, after all, so he needs all the validation he can get). He's a manly man saving all them poor lil wimmins who are too weak to stand up for themselves. She better have dinner on the table by the time he gets home from missions. Iron those orange pants — I want to see creases!
Do NOT try to tell me this is in character for Hinata. She may be shy but this has nothing to do with being shy. Self defense when you're given no other option a natural fear response. She is also a trained fighter and a ninja. You have no right to use the "in character" defense. At all. Ever.
Naruto doesn't bat an eye at horrific scenes even the elites of the Torture and Interrogation have trouble with. At twelve. Fuck off with your dissociative personality disorder. It's not bad ass; it's mental sickness. It doesn't just give you the ability to not feel things whenever you want moron, it cripples you.
Naruto kills a Jounin who has the element of surprise on him. Alone. No... A ninja does not stop his ambush to monologue. He kills the target and moves on. This fiction died for me right here and so did Naruto.
"Now Naruto wasn't a moron as I'm sure you've figured out by now." AhHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You broke the fourth wall to appeal to your reader directly. Jesus what a fucking joke. Yes, Naruto is a moron much like yourself. Playing pan pipes while he walks out of the mist to take Zabuza on... you're trying MUCH to hard to make your character look cool. NEWSFLASH: he looks like a bigger douche than Sasuke ever did.
Zabuza had "no time to counter" an attack that came from directly in front of him with his eyes on the source, something that SHARINGAN Kakashi couldn't manage. He's got decades of experience on Naruto so of course Naruto completely schools him... without a single tactic in a straightforward jutsu assault. A jounin would never see that one coming.
Naruto sees right through Haku of course when Kakashi can't. I mean, it's so "obvious", right? I'm completely sick of this shit by now. I started skimming half way through this chapter and I can't even finish it.
So a genin with no combat or life experience is smarter and more mature than everyone around him, including elites with long and active service records. I fully expect Naruto to be Hokage when he gets back to Konoha. THE END.
This is seriously terrible and I need a shower to rinse off the douche-chills. Please revise this by starting over COMPLETELY. You actually have the ability to be a good writer. I can see it if I squint really hard. Your style of prose is NOT BAD. Given how young I believe you are from the way you view the world this is an incredible advantage. Do not squander it by writing such terrible tripe!
@Uchiha Shuffle, Ch 2
"Uchiha" might as well translate to English as "Drama Queen". The canon storyline of the Drama Queen Clan is cliched and cobbled together. I like to imagine what they are braiding hair over in this fiction is the Pretty Girl Championship Belt to amuse myself as I wade through their nonsensical rantings at one another.
Given that you have built your story on a foundation of junk I think you've done well. There are some superfluous commas, one typo comma that should be a full stop, and you used a colon that left me scratching my head a bit because it did not belong there. An ellipses does not have spaces between each dot. Do not use 'these marks' to denote thoughts and put them into narrative voice instead. Other than that I didn't notice your punctuation or grammar. Congratulations! You're already better than ninety five percent of fan-fiction authors!
As a reader, and one unfamiliar with "Road to Ninja", I felt as though I had been dropped into unfamiliar territory and you weren't bothering to lend me a map. One thing you can improve upon is detail. I feel like a lot happened in these two chapters but it wasn't nearly as impactful to the reader as it should have been. The prose lacked deep, rich, and engrossing descriptions. While the Drama Queen brothers are certainly not my favorite subjects to get inside the heads of, I still need to feel a connection with them to engross myself in your narrative.
Switching between characters through the use of scene breaks is jarring to your reader and breaks their immersion each and every time you do it. When attempting a journey, do you want to make it in one relaxing trip or in several short, abrupt stages? The first two chapters of this fiction would have been much improved if they each focused on a single character and saw them through their battles entirely.
Your battle scenes themselves are out of my element. They strayed too far into the realm of Naruto's jutsu-spamming-bullshit for me to be able to offer any meaningful advice to you. You seemed to do well in staying true to the series for how combat is handled and the secondary effects of the fires were appreciated. I do chuckle when I see that a ninja from the Naruto-verse is being "trapped" or "maneuvered" into a disadvantageous position. How that works with people who can simply not be somewhere at will is beyond me.
In conclusion, getting straight to the fight scenes is overrated when I can honestly say you haven't hooked me at all as a reader. Add more detail and layer your setting. I want to be caught up in what's going to happen next, not wondering when it'll be over and one of the bitches cark it.
@Life in Konoha's ANBU, Ch 23
This fiction is absolutely fraught with errors. I do not believe your wonderful Denarian series suffers from this, and was published prior to this fiction, so I am unsure as to the cause. If you are using different beta's for each I suggest adding another to your rotation for this fiction.
I haven't really had a problem with your combat... until recently. Naruto and Aoi's battle broke my immersion entirely, and prompted me to write this review.
First of all, "class-one explosive notes" have been described in your fiction as extremely powerful. You use the term "grade-one" in this chapter and I assumed they were the same. Where once they tore apart the decks of a Sky-ninja fleet, suddenly they are ineffective for use in combat. I doubt an explosive too light to sever a man's leg when in contact with it would breach a door. That level of explosive would only be useful as a primer for something larger or as a distraction.
Naruto used "...his entire reel of explosive tags... until they were all gone." This leads the reader to believe he has exhausted his supply. He then uses more. Frustrating.
Secondly, the grappling portion of the fight was absolutely terrible. How might one "try" to slit another's throat? Either his kunai made contact and his throat is slit, or it didn't make contact. Every part of the neck is a vulnerable area: the front is the trachea, the sides are the jugular viens, and the rear is the spine. Did the kunai strike the flak jacket's collar? Did Aoi's hand stop the blade? I'm guessing you're one of those fortunate people who has never been cut with a knife and have no idea how easily on can split flesh.
Lastly, Naruto should be dead. "...a swipe of a crackling yellow blade tore into his chest." No person ever taught to wield a weapon (or a golf club) was ever told to not follow through (unless it's a feint). A slash is a complete motion through the target in their entirety. They are always, always, followed through — that and your shifting stance carries into your next motion. Unless Naruto managed to grab his wrist he would be bifurcated. Furthermore this blade meets no resistance when it cuts due to its nature.
"...had torn through several of his ribs, but it had done little else." "...and the taste of boiling blood filled his mouth..." "If the blade had been one of metal then his guts would have come tumbling out..."
That is absolutely fatal damage. From what you have written, I'm guessing we've got a diagonal slash beginning below the left kidney (since Aoi is right handed) and ending at the eighth or ninth rib. This means his intestines, kidney, stomach, diaphragm, and lung have all been hit. Naruto would not be able to breathe with his diaphragm cut nor rotate or support the weight of his torso from muscle damage. "Boiling blood" may be hyperbole but suggests the heat is searing, which would actually kill the lung's alveoli. If the blood is truly boiling it could cause air pockets to form in Naruto's chest, collapsing his undamaged lung... not that it matters with no diaphragm to move it. He really wouldn't be fighting after this even if his healing could patch him back together.
Hidan and the cultists were infuriating as well. I'm not altogether familiar with the "scorch release", but if desiccating the cultists completely could kill them why didn't burning them? The damage done by fire would be similar but greater. Pretty sure if you need to completely destroy an enemy to kill them then the ANBU, who dispose of their comrades using this exact method, would have tried burning them to ash first.
I hate the lack of options you gave the team. The whole battle was one giant "why the fuck even bother", and I began skipping over entire paragraphs as it just became a tedious waste of my time. Yeah sure, people are exploding. Great. Yawn. Rinse. Repeat. Sill don't care. The fact that your team of ANBU basically contributed absolutely nothing to the entire conflict, and you didn't even kill any of them off, made me wonder why you bothered writing it. The Akatsuki tie in wasn't interesting (and could have been handled differently), and neither was the introduction of what I'm guessing is a filler character. Essentially, the battle just left me more pissed than usual with gimmicky Naruto bullshit.
I do like this fiction, however. I love the way you have characterized Sarutobi Hiruzen. His interactions with Naruto are rich and humorous. It feels organic and as a reader I really feel the connection between the two. It really is fabulous work. Your other characters are pretty great too. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that these last two battles are merely flukes and will continue reading.
@Legend, Ch 4
You've waited long enough for this, I think.
Your storytelling is extremely choppy and jarring, and I had to concentrate to make it through the text rather than simply read it. I could not put myself into your characters or simply relax and enjoy the flow of your tale.
There are several things causing this. The first is your word choices. Phrases like "as if a rug ready to rupture" completely derail me and force me to reread the section, finding no clarity even through revision. How does a rug rupture? How is there a front room in a classroom? How does a yard contain viscera? How does a morning labor? How does skin shiver? How does a marble cackle? These are all sentences which forced me to stop and that is the reason I recorded them. The word "cosmic" is in need of variation. Where you use "moderate" the word "temperate" would be better suited. "...modicum mediocre to my malice" is just straight up WTF. "...mediocre modicum of my malice." would make more sense.
The second contributing factor is your punctuation choices: they're quite bumpy. The comma should be used where necessary only. Superfluous comma use really chops up the flow of the sentence and the reader's ability to cruise through your material. I'm sure you can eliminate over half the commas you have used in your first four chapters. Conversely, you need to get rid of all those ellipses and replace most of them with commas. Specifically, in dialogue, when you are writing out a pause in narrative voice you use commas to break the speech from said narrative voice. Use an em-dash (Alt 0151) if you wish for the pause to be a more abrupt one. This is the correct way to punctuate interrupted dialogue. Do not use full stops in what is meant to be unbroken dialogue. That's another place a comma should go instead.
Do not put thoughts in 'these marks'. Put thoughts into narrative voice instead.
However, during the scene in question your focus is on Naruto. This shouldn't even be here. You do a great job of putting thoughts into narrative voice in the scene following this quote. This could have waited until then.
ALL CAPS do not imply emphasis, they imply acronyms or NES character name fields. Get them out of there.
Use as few scene breaks as possible. The more you use a scene breaks the more jarring it becomes and the more detached I become. When I'm detached from your story, I'm working. You do not want me working with your fiction in front of me. The goal you're looking for is a single scene per chapter. The focus of the narrative voice should remain the focus for the entire duration of the chapter. If you need to imply something going on in the heads of the other characters either emphasize their body language or have them speak up.
You need longer chapters. An average chapter length of three thousand words equates to me barely getting my feet wet before needing to interact with FFnet. This breaks up my experience.
The word "cocaine" breaks my immersion. Maybe they have cocaine in the world of Naruto; maybe they don't. Instead of reading your story now I'm thinking about it.
Despite the errors I found myself enjoying the story in several respects. Whether or not it was intentional, the joking with Kyuubi actually made Naruto sound really stupid. I'm going to put this down as Naruto being in character. Kyuubi even made me laugh at the end of the chapter when he returned Naruto's insult and twisted the knife. That was good one. Setting up a rapport between the two then killing one of them off was a good move as well. You should have deleted the scene where Kyuubi mutters about always being there and loving him. That should have hammered into the reader when Nexus was speaking to him about Kyuubi's motive.
I'm not exactly sure what is going on with the plot as I was continually distracted while reading (by your writing; not from your writing). If you want to overpower a character you're going about it the right way. When giving someone a super ability it is generally best that they fear it with good reason. Making Nexus into something poised to devour Naruto would be an excellent twist, but you may have played your hand a bit early.
Your scene depth is a bit lacking. You start out well most chapters but seem to be a bit impatient to get to the nougatty center. Sometimes, especially with writing, it's the journey and not the destination that is what really defines you.
My recommendation to you is to find several betas. Yes, several. You are not yet to the level where a single beta who is actually worth a damn will want to go over your work as there is just too much to do. If you find several lackluster betas who want to work on your fiction they will each find something to improve upon. Run your story through one and make your corrections, then the next and make your corrections, and so on. Through rewriting and looking at your work from differing perspectives you will begin to piece together what I'm telling you here. As an additional bonus your betas are likely to improve along with you.
Do try to look at the work as a whole when you revise it. Revised paragraphs don't always jive with the material above and below them so be careful! You do not want to inadvertently make your work more jarring than it already is.
Thank you for your patience. I hope this review was worth the long wait.
@One Wrong Step, Ch 1
Ok, read this one all the way through. Far more readable than the last.
Here are some things you are doing wrong:
Setting your scene: We're pretty much dropped into the deep end in this fiction. In the first several paragraphs you are deliberately trying to be vague on details and hand them out a piece at a time. That's hurting your ability to put hooks into your reader. If you wish to be vague and withhold information from your reader, you need to be very specific. In this case, I would have withheld Naruto's identity to drop the hook right at the end of the first scene, omitting any mention of pranks, the seal, or Kyuubi for the reader's mind to wonder about. You WANT them to wonder.
We should know right away that Sarutobi is looking at a grizzly scene of multiple fatalities and the details of that scene. We need impact from these deaths — consequences. A thousand thoughts should be going through the Hokage's mind and we should be caught in the middle of the maelstrom going on in his head. His eyes should be flitting around the carnage, searching for something that will make it all make sense, grasping for some REASON that these killings cannot be what he thinks they are. Either way the Hokage looks at it, these are his soldiers and the Hokage no more wants Naruto to be guilty of murder than he wants these men to be guilty of assaulting him. For the Hokage it hurts both ways.
In my opinion, you can never really have enough going on inside a character. You can limit what you tell to the reader, as you don't want to bore the them with tedious thoughts and emotion, but sometimes what you say can be just as telling as what you hold back.
Again with the zanbatō. These things are not combat feasible and are NOT real outside of very bad fiction for a reason. I own a nodachi, a traditional "field sword" that was actually a historical thing — the kind that really weren't meant for combat but were a measuring stick for a smith's skill. This is as close as it came to these "zanbatō" type weapons in Japan. If you are talking about a specific weapon (Nodachi, Oodachi), name it. If not you're going to need to add a description. As "zanbatō" is a completely made up term I would personally eliminate it completely from my lexicon if I were you, and never use it again. If you need something to call a thing, give it a name and tell the reader what they are meant to see. I have no idea what you mean by "zanbatō" here and imagined a giant fuchsia dildo for my own amusement.
The finer points of combat drive me crazy universally. Anime is one of the biggest offenders. I would like you to do me a favor, however. Go grab a broom, a mop, or anything with a long haft. Lift that item from the furthest point your hand fits on the haft, then bring it in close to your body and attempt to swing it as you would a blade. Note the maneuverability of your floor cleaner decreasing the closer it is brought to your body? Swords are far heavier and less maneuverable. The larger a blade in comparison to your body the less adroit you will be at wielding said weapon.
That close range limiter is called your "guard". If someone gets inside your guard you are at their mercy. Moral of the story? Larger swords have a large blind spot where they can neither defend nor attack — ridiculously large swords have a ridiculously giant blind spot. They are likewise slower and more tiring to use. There are no advantages a larger, more unbalanced, sword has over a smaller balanced blade. You may think of them as "stronger" once you get them going with the ability to "smash through an opponents guard", but that just begs the question "why are you bothering swinging for an opponent's guard"? Take a smaller blade and aim for killing the man, not his weapon.
Anyway, yeah. There you go. Zanbatō piss me off.
I saw what you did here...
...and it was good.
I love this! Fantastic!
My favorite part of this fiction is both the premise (which is genius), and also the ancillary exploration (exploitation) Harry is doing in the less-traveled areas of his life. My favorite part of a good game has always been as a completetionist finding hidden away areas to fill out my character and his inventory, but always was limited by what the programmers had included.
To have a game become "real" with all the possibilities that would bring, to the point you could collect every last rock and weed...
Let's just say I wish I'd thought of it so that I might let my imagination run wild and play my perfect game vicariously throigh Harry Potter.
If I were to criticize any part of this it would be the artificial limits you are beginning to impose on yourself. The very idea the game should have limitations imposed by development constraints does not jive with what you are laying out in front of us. Being confined to a certain area is understandable; painted on doors or unfinished areas within said area not so much. You've done much better in your latest chapter to make those constraints and I'm glad to see it.
I do wonder how you will handle the main characters of the Potter saga once they are encountered. You will face a true dillemma here and I would like to make an early reccomendation: characters need to develop and Harry needs to be an integral part of this. The route I would personally use is for Harry to help them break free of their programmed constraints. He will never be happy interacting with these people if he knows they are simply constructs. He needs social interaction with people who are truly his peers and will never find the experience rewarding if they aren't at least self-aware in some respect. He'll need this now that he knows.
Some small mistakes in spelling and grammar. If you're self-proofing you rock. If not give your beta a pat on the back. I've likely made more mistakes typing this review pn my phone than you have your entire fic.
I offer my services to you should you need ideas, have writer's block, or just paint yourself into a corner in general. I've very good at thinking outside of the box, noticing details, or generally pouncing all over exploits and plot holes. Don't hesitate to PM me if you need help - I want that next chapter!
Have a happy holiday. I'm hoping to find Chapter 10 under the "tree".
@My Right Eye, Ch 1
Here is your review, as requested by you on the 13th of October.
I'm not happy that this was inflicted upon me so early today. I don't really have myself all together yet and will probably regret writing this while not entirely awake. I'm sure there are a ton of biting, scathing insults and criticisms I will think of and agonize over later. "If I'd only told him that the English language vomited all over his story and he should at least wipe it off before inviting others to read it" or "my word, this story belongs in the same bowl I deposited those atomic buffalo wings from last night."
See? Those are lame. I'm not on my game yet.
I have divided my review of this abortion into categories as my brain is not ready to process them into a cohesive prosaic format for your reading enjoyment. On the whole, however, I believe that I have worked harder on this than you have on your published work and that investing even more of my time would be counter-productive. Casting pearls before swine, as it were.
So, without further ado...
You are severely lacking any sort of scene depth, tension, emotion, or anything in general that gets me inside the heads of your characters. Your characters are just cardboard cutouts parroting the lines you need them to in order to advance your "plot". When Zabuza strikes Kakashi's arm off with his blade we don't even fully understand what happened. We don't even know if it was cut at the shoulder or the elbow! There was no blood spatter, no disbelief on Kakashi's face, not the feel of steel hewing flesh and bone, no sound, no smell, no pain... NOTHING. Your description of this event is just "Okay, so this happened and Kakashi was like OW! Then Zabuza got a shuriken to the face and died lol." I have absolutely no investment in this scene because you haven't given me anything to invest in at all. I'm bored in four paragraphs.
Your dialogue is truly terrible. It's not even dialogue, really, more like turn-based monologue. This point goes right back to scene depth above. There are no complex emotions happening to these characters and nothing is going on behind their eyes as they speak. They just blurt several sentences, all in the same tone, then wait for the other person to finish their turn like robots who have been handed a script.
"Zabuza's accomplice's torso" is unwieldy. Try using different syntax: "the torso of Zabuza's accomplice". Torso is also a poor word choice as you aren't describing the entire chest area, merely a small part where Kakashi's hand pierced. "Ribs" or "lung" would be more descriptive and wieldy.
Please learn basic punctuation and syntax. Seriously.
When you are cutting someone in half you are either bisecting or bifurcating them depending on the direction of the cut. In this instance, Zabuza is bisecting Haku's corpse. Again, we get no real description of what is happening here. We're being TOLD. It's like reading an exposition that's light on detail rather than a story. Police reports have more life in them.
When a new character is speaking a line you start a new paragraph. Every time. Sometimes you don't even use a full stop between characters speaking and that is a major problem.
"Shock wasn't even the word to describe what Naruto was feeling right now..." It is not my job as the reader to think of an appropriate description for what Naruto is feeling or going through; that's your job. If it is a complex feeling or group of feelings, take your time and spell them out... it's only going to add depth. If he is in shock, he wouldn't be feeling at all. That's kinda what shock is... a lack of feeling and awareness.
Why would Kakashi give up and die when a tourniquet could save his life? Furthermore, why would Kakashi try to have Naruto implant his eye when Naruto has two fully functional eyes? He doesn't even ask if Naruto wants the damned Sharingan, just assumes he would willing have a piece of himself carved out for the potential power it could grant him. Does Naruto even know what the Sharingan really is or can do by this point? Again, there are no feelings or emotions, just the assumption that your cardboard characters would do the things you need them to do to advance your "plot".
Sexy no Jutsu was Naruto's first original technique. You fail. Chakra Blast is pretty much the lamest and uncreative thing ever.
Get your stupid "Author's Notes" out of your chapters. All they do is cause wordbloat. No one reads them; no one cares what they say. Put them in your profile so that if, by some miracle, someone takes an interest in you they can go there and catch up on all things YOU. That's what the bio is for. Chapters are for the titular stories.
In conclusion, I didn't really finish the first chapter. This fiction was so bad that I had to resort to skimming it to preserve my braincells. If you are at all interested, my stopping point was the sixth paragraph. That's not far at all. I read a lot, sometimes as much as 100k words in a day, time permitting. That I didn't last past six paragraphs here should tell you that you have a LONG way to go to make yourself an author.
@Naruto: Shinobi Wars, Ch 26
Are you fucking kidding me?
You go to such great lengths to develop characters and this is the result? How incredibly disappointing. With this chapter you have utterly undone everything you've worked so hard on. Your characters are no longer believable and your story has crumbled into the cesspool that is all the other trite idiocy infesting this website.
Your 'Hitokiri' just let an incredibly dangerous enemy live. Not just a dangerous enemy, but an enemy that had slaughtered her comrades in droves (I'll get to that later). For what, their supposed "connection", that brought only pain and anger, that Sakura used against everyone before? Or was it, perhaps, the promise of intel from someone who is by definition a spy and a traitor - rendering any such information unreliable at best? Maybe the incredibly overpowered bloodline they two are some of the last holders of, that can wreak untold destruction on anything in their sight? What part of bringing these two back to Konoha could have ever sounded like a good idea, idiot? Please, elucidate me.
Furthermore it then fell to Naruto to take Ino into custody for abetting said traitor, but instead allowed himself to be LED AWAY FROM THE ENEMY WITHOUT SECURING THEM. That's just baby town frol
Sure, Sakura chose to spare Ino's life when she had Ino at her mercy. That is NO excuse. Where was that mercy for all the others she murdered? She would recieve NO QUARTER from anyone doing their duty, and would likely end up locked away the rest of her life or executed for her dereliction of it. We all know that'll never happen, though. Your core characters are the only people who ever survive anything. Whole ANBU teams get wiped out, along with all the personnel of the labs, but who cares so long as Ino gets to keep being grossly incompetant.
You are one of the worst combat writers I've seen. People who are trying to kill each other get the fucking job done. If that's what they've fot a mind to do they start out doing it and don't stop until the it's done. Instead you've got trained killers running around tickling each other to death.
When you manage to get behind your enemy, where he has no guard, a normal person would go for the kill. You, on the other hand, go for a kick. Of all the hundreds of goddamned kicks and punches you've thrown that have connected, none of them have been debilitating... and every single one of them SHOULD.
If you're fighting for your life you don't piss around. EVERY SINGLE CONNECTED SHOT should be an outright attempt to kill, debilitate, or to open a guard for said shot. Instead you've got people flying through the air and rolling around the ground like an idiotic circus act, and throwing punches like they've got all the time in the world for the other guy to get their shit together and try to kill them right back. Seriously, there is no excuse for this. You kill droves of faceless characters all the time with something happening off screen or lightly brushed over, but if it's a fight-scene then out come the mild manners and fucking sparing pads.
You had Ino block an overhead kick by crossing her arms in an X... while she was holding a SWORD and she's one of Konoha's premier kenjutsu users! You utterly fucking fail.
Your mechanics suck as well. You have no idea what these people should be doing or how they should be moving. If half those "round kicks" actually flew you wouldn't have any characters left. They'd all get taken to the ground and broken... something else which NEVER HAPPENS in your combat. Grappling is apparently a mystery to the ninja world... even though it's the most instinctual and thus default mode of combat for humans.
facepalm* Crossbows do NOT recoil backward into the shooter. Basic physics. The bolt is LIGHTER than the forward force being applied and that force is only traveling forward and not being contained. Remember: a bow is not a gun; it uses tension NOT a contained explosion or compressed air following the path of least resistance. If anything, when firing a bow so powerful and not compensating with a heavier bolt the front of the crossbow will want to flip DOWNWARD, pulling the shooter forward and the stock UP.
Think in triangles with bows. The normal cause and effect attributed to firearms do not apply in the same manner here.
Your story is excellent and I'll be dropping a review when I'm up-to-date. Just wanted to get this out of the way while it's fresh in my memory.
@A Long Way From Home, Ch 21
Can't read any more of this shit. Your tactics are unbe-fucking-lievably bad and it completely ruins this story. If they were a superfluous and a hindrance you would have already launched FORCAP fighters, along with K-Wing strike craft. Now, when they are needed, you don't... and just let fully loaded transports get annihilated by triple-A fire!
You can't write a story involving tactics or stratagem. In fact, you would be better suited to writing a book about what NOT to do in combat.
@A Long Way From Home, Ch 16
"It was coming at a cost though.
A heavy cost."
Well no shit. Your tactics suck. At least you know and accept it. Here are some hints:
Orbital Superiority Aerial Superiority Ground Control. What this means, essentially, is "why the shit are you running BARCAP/Strikes in a hot bombardment zone? You've got ORBITAL SUPERIORITY, with the capability of — in your own words — pinpoint bombardment. So why in seven shades of stupid are you running strike craft through there and why are your lines positioned so close to the goddamn engagement area? That area should be clear for ORBITAL SUPPORT and artillery shelling.
Your troops should have been dug in further from the front lines, preferably on higher ground. Not only would this give your artillery an almost direct fire support role, you would also be able to position your ranged infantry behind your assault units... you know, in a way that would actually make sense. Your strategy was suicide from the very beginning and what is worse is that your characters stated it as such when they went over the ineffectiveness of their weaponry.
Necron Monoliths teleport. Because you were so fuckstupid in having aircav acting as ground support rather than your big guns, it would have immediately teleported out when it noticed all of said aircav bug out. It's not exactly rocket science to know what happens next.
Your tactics piss me off and fuck up my immersion. Get a beta-reader as well. Preferably, get one that knows the difference between "to" and "too".
@A Spark of Genius, Ch 23
This story is excellent and I have enjoyed it immensely. Kudos.
Chapter 23, however, is complete trash.
Let us start with how you painted your mercenaries as "compensating for something" for carrying large weaponry. What those men are carrying are weapons of war and, with weapons of war, size often equals killing power. Given your predilection for arming your main character and his retinue with nigh-invincible armor and even more deadly implements of destruction, I find this opinion more than slightly hypocritical.
As for the stigma of guns equaling a small penis... do you have any idea the responsibility of carrying a weapon? Of course you don't. I carry daily. If there is to be violence I know I'll be the first target. I shoulder that burden, willingly, so that I am able to defend the lives of myself or those around me. Idiots and sheep will think otherwise.
The Leviathan has the ultimate offensive and defensive weapon which he commands at will, or even automate: portals. "Lightening Moats" are a superfluous waste of resources. Where incoming artillery destroys a lightening moat, a portal simply postmarks said shell "return to sender". With apertures as large as a skyscraper and the precision to cut the landing gear from an aircraft carrier it seems rather ridiculous not to use the in such a capacity.
Also? Opening a portal to simply get outside the castle and fly the rest of the distance when he could have been on sight in a heartbeat was really facepalm worthy.
Disabling a helicopter is beyond easy with the right hardware. The Leviathan's Dark Troopers shot, what, once? They killed a single man? I have no idea you even bothered to send them unless you were demonstrating their general incompetence at anything warfare related. At least they make good shields?
Military helicopter canopies do not contain glass (hint: it's bulletproof). Firing a pistol at something that survived a direct hit from an ATA missile without a scratch is likewise ridiculous.
No triage knowledge here. For a super genius Xander sure doesn't know the first damned thing about a lot of things. Why he yanked that knife out of Janna is beyond me. When you have a serious puncture wound the last thing you want to do is yank out the only thing keeping the blood inside your body. The merc may have stabbed her, but Xander finished her off.
The giant mecha thing bothers the shit out of me. The larger the fighting unit's profile the bigger target silhouette it makes. Having building sized fighting machines looks cool (not really), but it's a liability. Where is the whole "smaller is better" thing you had going? One of Xander's "boomsticks" and your towering weapons platform is as good as scrap. There is such a thing as overkill: it's what happens when you focus so much on kill-power that you forget common sense.
That's pretty much all I have. In short, stop trying to create drama when your character is a deus ex machina library. You made Xander a genius before you made him powerful — stop trying to make me think he's stupid now that he's too strong to need his brains.
@An Old and New World, Ch 37
I don't know when it started, but for the majority of your fic I was reading Harry's lines in Sterling Archer's voice. Mad props for making me laugh so hard.
For a self-beta you did incredibly well. Some errors; none terrible.
If I were to suggest an area to improve upon I would say you focus almost too much on your characters. A little more attention building the scene around them would add serious depth.
Thanks for this — definitely a favorite.
@Cross my heart, hope to die, Ch 29
An astonishingly deep fiction. I maintain the opinion that the only people truly capable of writing complex female characters are female themselves. All that emotion exhausted me just reading it...
Thank you. I find my words unequal to the task of expounding further.
@Starting Over, Ch 16
I don't know why all your fics I've read thus-far have a characterization half-life of Xander, but it's extremely annoying. Can you not write a consistent character? Your portrayal of him is dissociative at best and completely nonsensical. His angst is reminiscent of an idiotic and self-important child who feels the need to vent his butthurt and inflict pain on others rather than just cutting his losses and moving on. It makes him exactly what you're portraying him to hate and thus a hypocrite.
Guns: you don't know anything about them so stop writing about them. Desert Eagle? Worst. Handgun. EVER. The biggest guys I know can't grip it comfortably but you have Xander using one in each hand? 50AE might not be the most powerful bullet out there, but it's not a fucking giggle either. Piss around with a high-caliber weapon and you're not going to be hitting anything — just making yourself deaf and your wrists sore. Desert Eagles, Mossbergs, and Walther PPKs... You watch a lot of TV, don't you?
Injuries: Xander has BOTH his wrists broken and somehow manages to pull out a gun and fire. How, genius? Faith has her jaw shattered by Glory and still manages talk. How, genius? If reality is a place you'd occasion to visit you would know both these things are impossible.
Tactics and other idiocy: guns are loud even when suppressed (unless you're using subsonic ammo). If you're firing one indoors not only are your ears going to be ringing for several DAYS, but everyone in the vicinity is going to know shit is going down. There is no way in hell after the first shot the Initiative base wasn't on lockdown. The central control room is the only place with a general alarm function? Please die. How did Xander know the base had a self-destruct? How does Xander out-fight soldiers in their own base where they know the layout AND out-number him?
Why do I even bother?
3 out of 10.
@Hi, Bye, and Lies, Ch 34
I'm sick of this fiction.
You don't even remember what you write so I don't see why I should be bothered reading it. Jenny cursed Cordelia with a soul, not Willow. Fuck's sake; that's just one example of many.
Homicide in self-defense is called "Justifiable Homicide". It is NOT a conviction. Murder in the Second Degree is killing without premeditation or through negligence — NEITHER charge fits; especially after the "victim" had just committed Murder in the FIRST Degree, idiot.
I don't think I need to go into how out of character EVERYONE is, or how annoying your Mary Jew 'Lyssa is (the constant reminders "she looks just like Rachael Leigh Cook in 'She's All That' only with red hair" just underscore the point). The only character I could recognize here was Xander... and even that was a stretch.
The sick and perverted Harris family generations made me throw up in my mouth. Thanks for that. If you were going for comic relief you failed it pretty hard.
The plot you borrowed from everything EVER was extremely flat as well. You'd think with that much creative influence borrowed (or outright stolen) from other sources that you could make SOMETHING original, or at least not completely trite. You'd think wrong though. Way to keep setting that fan-fiction bar lower.
My excuse for making it this far through this travesty of fiction is due to fever-induced delirium, and being too lazy from said fever to browse elsewhere for my entertainment. It's also the same reason I'm putting no effort at all in to my critique, nor proofreading it before its submission. Regardless, I bet it'll still be better than the swill I'm reviewing. Even with a fever I at least remember wtf I write.
@Souls, Slayers and a Scythe?, Ch 45
I really liked this fiction. You have a lot of talent. I especially liked that you kept characters in character and concentrated more on who they were, rather than what they could do (like other authors).
Since I like to leave meaningful critiques, here are a few points that bothered me.
What do you have against firearms? Amy looks at Roger with "disgust" when he mentions his shotgun. Why? It's a tool, and a damn useful one. They're going 'hunting', after all. Is she just an uptight bint with a death wish? A dead and unarmed person is not morally superior to an armed and living person — they're just more dead.
Guns don't kill vampires? Guns kill EVERYTHING (if it doesn't you're not using the right gun). A shotgun will remove a vampire's head at the neck far easier than any axe. The force behind a bullet is many times greater than that of a crossbow, and a gun requires less man-power and time to arm and fire. Bullets can also be hand loaded. What I mean by 'hand loaded' is that you can design your own bullets to meet whatever specification you want. For instance, you can load a shotgun SHELL (shotguns don't take 'pellets' as ammunition) with sharpened wooden flechettes or, in a conventional bullet, you can use a half-copper jacket and mold lead around a wooden sabot. Either way, you can deliver wood to the heart of a vampire with a gun far more easily than with a stake (I still think it's ludicrous to expect a normal person to be able to drive a wooden stake through a ribcage with just the force of their arms). High-energy rounds will tear a human body to pieces regardless of what you're using for a bullet, vampire or no.
Your later chapters (Slayer History 101) dragged on like a classroom for me, and I found myself skimming over the majority of your text — waiting for you to arrive at your point. I was quite disappointed when I reached the end of the fic without arriving at any sort of resolution. When you arrive at a cliffhanger like you did with Xander, then skip the required explanation and dangle it like a lure in subsequent chapters, you should probably at least continue the fic far enough that we get the answer we seek. We've read through over forty chapters of your story only for you to give up on us. That is highly fucking annoying...
There were several errors in your text, but nothing I couldn't read through and understand. I hope you decide, one day, to continue this fiction.
@The Knights of Scooby, Ch 2
I suppose I should read the name of the author before I go diving into a fiction of suspect quality. But, had I completed this peremptory step, I wouldn't have this second opportunity to flame you.
Your grammar and spelling are fairly sound, and remain the only good facet of your writing. Your plot and characterizations are, as usual, a nightmare of childish fantasy with the unrealistic elevation of a single character serving as the focal point of your plot to the detriment of all other aspects. You've ruined Joss Whedon's compelling character dynamics by foisting your own adolescent self-image upon Xander, taking away all his flaws, giving him incredible advantages, and you did it all without an ounce of character development. Bravo.
If magic were as easy to use as what you have depicted, EVERYONE would know it. The ability to give yourself or someone else an eidetic memory (without an attached pricetag) is such a useful tool that it would NEVER remain a secret. You have made Xander memorize entire books (in seconds, which is laughable in itself) in order to give him knowledge. However, some of the texts you have him memorize have much deeper (sometimes hidden) meanings that must be pondered at great length. You play at understanding translated versions military texts far beyond you, and your attempts are as laughable as your ability to write a compelling character.
I find your book list for Xander lacks a few volumes; if you're already overpowering him with knowledge, do it correctly. You should have Xander read the 'Deus Ex Machina Handbook', 'Lame Plot Devices: Complete and Unabridged', 'Missing the Point Entirely: A Study of Xander in Fanfiction', and Intellgo's 'Epic Guide to Fail', as I believe these are the titles most relevant to him in your fiction. As for the "...fairly plebeian 'U.S. Army Survival Manual'...", don't cite sources you've never read, as it makes you look like a douchebag. Also? Survival manuals are ALL plebeian. No one writes 'Caviar and Canapes: the Survival Guide for Catered Luncheons'.
This part made me LOL. In three paragraphs you convinced me you don't even pay attention to what the hell you write. "When you awaken, you will not remember me..."; "So Mr. Mage Dude taught you a whole bunch of stuff then bailed, just like that?" Excellent attention to detail, boss. You also break the fourth wall with things that WOULD have happened. If you don't have a time-traveling character capable of knowing that, you need to keep it the hell out of narrative.
Reality isn't a place you visit often, is it? Xander walks into a morgue with a box of two-hundred pencils and no one thinks to stop him or ask him anything, even as he goes hammering them into the hearts of dead bodies. lolwat? The big flaming vampire trap is another instance of this. He's how far away with a TOY remote? Toy remotes aren't built for long range operation. Wires don't just spark either, they need a power source. Throwing gas on grassy soil is also a bad idea, ONE: because gas evaporates quickly (uneven or no ignition), TWO: because gasoline is a poor choice for burning things as it is combustive which gives a quick flash, not a slow burn (kerosene is a far better choice) and THREE: because it's summer in California, you RETARD!
I don't see vampires as being very social with one another (I don't remember much sharing of food in canon), but more territorial. All the vamps coming out to congregate on the same spot (including the newly risen!), when they all need to hunt their own food, reeks of stupidity. Do ten or more vampires simply stand around hoping someone will walk by then gang-fang them? Predators need to find prey — prey isn't going to find the predators. This was obviously just a gimmick to let Xander kill a bunch of vampires and look cool. I'm utterly unimpressed. You mentioned that Xander couldn't do the same trick twice because they'd smell the gas. Hurr... He could very easily and successfully use the same trap twice, provided no one lived through or witnessed the first one. If the gas smell would give the trap away it would have done so the FIRST time. lrn2logic.
You know nothing about martial arts, so you should probably RESEARCH the subject before you go into any sort of detail. Tai Chi as a martial art = FAIL. I'm sure the vampires will be impressed with how centered they are and the inner focus they've all achieved with their morning exercises... as they BEAT ON THEM LIKE DRUMS. As for Shaolin Kung Fu? You might as well have just said "martial art" if you wanted to be vague. It's obvious you have no clue what you're talking about. If you're learning "Kung-fu" then Tai Chi and Tai Kwan Do are completely superfluous, and retarded to take at the same time. You don't take THREE martial arts at once; you should not even take two at once (unless one is striking focused and the other grappling). "...intensive summer program..."? More like "epic summer disaster". You obviously have no idea how the philosophy of Jeet Kune Do is implemented, thinking it means "take a bunch of martial arts courses, mix and match, and you'll be all unique and dangerous!" You're an idiot. You also truncated the Bruce Lee philosophy the same way everyone else screws it up, further proving you've absolutely no clue. Here's a hint, "...add that which is your own."
Covering yourself with crosses. Really? There's a difference between a cross and religious iconography (what keeps vampires away). A "vampire-proof suit"... Please die. If this were plausible do you REALLY think it wouldn't already be done in the hundreds of years the Watchers have been around?
A quip requires wit. You have none. Until you find some wit you should stop using the word.
I made it exactly two chapters and one sentence. When I read "It was an unusually THOUGHTY Xander..." I couldn't continue to digest this crap. Please repeat grades K—12 and try again.
@A World of Difference, Ch 5
This story gives me douche-chills.
The whole concept of a Saiyan Xander is ludicrous, but admittedly this is fan-fiction. Why on Earth you'd want to turn everything Xander is (normal, but with enough balls to fight the supernatural in spite of it) into a ridiculously overpowered planet-killing weeaboo is completely beyond me, but to idiots their own.
My major problem with this story is that you write like a freaking five year-old. Characters named "Mrs. Grumpy Imp" and "Mr. Elderly Wiseman" make me want to beat you with your own keyboard. Are you freaking kidding me? Then reprising your scenes by describing them — AFTER you're done using them, whereupon they cease to appear (making the description pointless) — as "...Mrs. Grumpy Imp (aka a female version of Snyder mixed with Rita Skeeter from 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire' movie)..." and "...Mr. Elderly Wiseman (aka the Richard Harris version of Albus Dumbledore)..." is just inexcusable. I hope you didn't want to be taken seriously, because I've never wanted to reach through the Internet and smack someone so hard.
Character bashing nicknames DO NOT BELONG IN NARRATIVE, doubly so if you are not using a first-person perspective. Calling Vegeta extremely childish names (Vegetable Head) makes people facepalm, and doing it CONSTANTLY makes them hit the 'Back' button (right after flaming you). There's something called 'The Fourth Wall', LOOK IT UP! While there are words to describe my rage at this type of idiocy, FFnet will asterisk them away. Seriously though? Coat-hanger fodder.
Like many fanfic "authors", you seem to have the uncontrollable need to rewrite scenes that your readers are already familiar with, with all the skill of a monkey creating art with feces. Not only are these paragraphs banal and trite, they showcase your utter lack of skill as you are essentially COPYING SOURCE MATERIAL, poorly. PROTIP: If we were looking for the original content we'd be WATCHING Buffy instead of being tortured through your idiotic fail-version of it.
"...[Acthala] shattered as though someone had placed a stick of dynamite inside of him and lit the fuse." Sentences like this further demonstrate your lack of skill with English. I'll explain: given that what you mean, logically, is "The statue exploded with the equivalent force of TNT," your structure is needlessly verbose and logically inaccurate. Dynamite does not detonate when the fuse is lit, but afterward. Furthermore, unless the fuse is sticking out of the statue (a statue with no holes), you won't be able to light it while it is inside, will you? Given that simply changing "lit" from verb to adverb (as "...had placed a lit stick of dynamite inside of him.") makes the sentence both logically sound and far more wieldy, you make it apparent you're trying too hard. Your fic is rife with examples like this. Also? I'm pretty sure a statue is gender-neutral. You know... because it's a statue.
In summary, the only "World of Difference" to be found here is the skill-gap between this fiction and competent writing. Read more; publish stupidity less.
@The Deaf Knight, Ch 2
This has an excellent premise and promise. Longer chapters are necessary as you cut the flow your writing manages to attain into abrupt, two-minute segments.
You'll also want to change "...court in an explosion..." to "...caught in an explosion..."
I would like to see more. Please continue.
That grass is always greener on the other side, isn't it?
@Stay With Me, Ch 12
Surprisingly, I find this is one of the most annoying fics I have ever read. I think it is because you are — quite obviously — female, and have killed off the majority of your braincells with pointless romance novels.
You haven't the first clue how men think so STOP trying to write a man's thoughts. The only men who think as you have written Clark are young (read: under fourteen years-old) boys or the completely emasculated dickless twits so common among the latest generation to come 'of age'.
Men do not fantasize about picnics or other inanities they may or may not do with someone with whom they are infatuated. Men have a very simple (yet also elegantly logical) thought process which consists of two steps: step one — define what you want; step two — make a plan to get what you want; after these steps obviously follows action. This means he would skip the emotional angst and move straight to making himself a constant obstacle to her attention, flowers, etc.
The most annoying part of this fic is that there is absolutely NO PLOT. Chloe changing her mind TWICE every single paragraph is NOT plot. I can skim from the beginning to the end of every single chapter and nothing has changed at all save the number of times the pair has fornicated.
Your prose is mostly solid, with the occasional poor use of thesaurus (or perhaps spell-check) underscoring the fact that even die-hard Cosmo readers can sometimes run out of pointless, superfluous adjectives. "...making him an eloquent treasure." I threw up in my mouth a little.
This is a relatively short review because there honestly isn't much to criticize. There is no content beyond sex, confusion, and emotional angst. NOTHING! Rather than hammer this point home ad nauseum I'll just leave it here.
@Forging the Sword, Ch 8
A magical oath never to hurt another sentient being? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of and not for the 'cultural' reasons you provided.
First, the oath precludes self-defense. Tailoring it to allow self-defense would effectively nullify the oath, as it would then be open to debate whether or not a preemption is defense, etc. Never underestimate the power of paranoia.
Secondly, who has the authority to demand such an oath of anyone? Everyone has the right to use whatever talents they were born with and you certainly don't need anyone's permission. Your body; your life; your talents; your property — NO exceptions.
Thirdly, instituting the oath. What bugger would agree to it? All it takes is one person opting out (or escaping it) and your house of cards comes tumbling down. Think about Voldemort on a rampage, fully powered, with NO ONE to resist him. Even worse, the people who do resist him get a portion of their powers severed. Good plan!
Fourthly, you realize that world governments never (EVER) see eye to eye, yes? Where this might pass muster in some totalitarian state where the populace lived in fear, the rest of the world populations would rebel (at least in part) and most governments know better than to even try. Do you really think all of Europe would agree to this oath? Asia? I know for a fact America wouldn't (couldn't by law). I'm not even going to bother covering the issue of national defense, it goes without saying.
How about the Goblins? Do you think are bound by this oath at all, or do you find it more likely that they would simply have a final rebellion and butcher all the helpless wizards and witches, taking all their material wealth for their own? Argog was sentient. Centaurs are sentient. Muggles would become dangerous in the extreme and are sentient. In fact, a squib would be the most dangerous thing in the magical world if everyone took this stupid oath. Some muggle firepower and the ability to see through anything 'muggle-repellent' and you've got yourself a wizarding holocaust. Can you imagine? Filch, with the size of the chip on his shoulder and a grenade launcher?
Actually... that would make for a pretty cool fic. I retract my earlier opinion and you have my full endorsement.
On your writing: it's fantastic. Your characterization of the trio is, admittedly, too adult (they're more mature than some people my age) — even for the tragedy they have suffered. They see too many layers and are too logical. In my experience, people don't develop higher reasoning and the ability to look through emotion to see motivations until they're close to hitting thirty (a far cry from thirteen). You do, however, write an excellent character. The puerile nonsense and teenage angst is what I generally tend to avoid in fiction, so I'm not missing it much.
I find Ron to be the most compelling of your characters. You make him valuable for his experience and cultural roots, which is a lot better than Rowling's glorified chess player, fair-weather friend and comic relief. His opinions bear the weight of his upbringing, and he's more than a tetchy, jealous prat waiting for take insult at the most minuscule of slights then explode like some ticking time-bomb. He provides an important perspective the other two lack. You've so far avoided making Hermione into the go-to for every answer — ever — and cast Ron into his own niche. I like that, a lot.
I don't know where the plot is going yet. If I were to make a recommendation, it would be to get your mind set on where you want this story to go and start moving it in that direction. Some vague foreshadowing would be appreciated. One of the problems of fan-fiction is that author's get so involved in pumping out new updates that the story doesn't go anywhere, becomes episodic, then stagnates. You've got a good thing going here, but I'd like to see more than 'the trio' moving toward their goals while everything else kind of falls off to the wayside.
The hard work you've put into this really shows. Thanks for sharing.
@Mastermind Hunting, Ch 17
"That would be an interesting year, indeed." Doubtful, as every time I sit down to continue reading this fiction I wonder why I am punishing myself.
This fiction isn't going anywhere at all. Harry is overpowered and can kill anyone on the planet (Voldemort included) with his apparition ability alone. All your characters are completely flat, boring and uninteresting, and react in a completely scripted manner, failing to do anything of their own volition. The only true "development" that occurs is in the form of Harry's superpowers, which you feel the inexplicable need to increment with every single new bland plot element.
So let me break down the story so far: Harry is a child super-genius and magical savant, who manages to stay one step ahead of the muggle world's collective intelligence agencies and also, somehow, avoid magical detection through random happenings of sheer dumb luck. Sure, okay. He can also rewire people's central nervous systems at will and make them believe or do anything he wants (Imperius Curse, anyone?); "shift" into some kind of umbral plane where he is in essence half-apparated and have the best aspects of both the material and immaterial worlds; learn ANYTHING someone else knows in moments (and apparently import their muscle memory and adapt it to his own physiology as well); alter his body at the cellular (possibly even atomic) level; bond with a (apparently sentient) castle; be only a partial lycanthropy where he receives the benefits but none of the drawbacks of being a werewolf... I'm sure there are more and it's why I'm quitting now.
As it stands, to kill Harry right now you would need to surprise him (nearly impossible because he detects thoughts and has some kind of three-hundred sixty degree magical RADAR) knock him unconscious with the first blow (so he can't shift into his umbral plane or use is metamorph ex-machina) then strike the killing blow with a silver weapon. I'm pretty sure that if anyone hit your Harry with a killing curse, you'd just end up granting him even more powers. Guess what? Your reader doesn't care how much danger you put your character in, they're already assured of his victory.
There is no such thing as a "kill touch". If you could kill someone by jabbing them in the chest with two fingers, everyone would know how. The only bare-hand chest strike that will kill you is one that knocks the xiphoid process into the diaphragm, causing it to hemorrhage. Poking someone in the chest with your fingers will do little more than irritate them.
"Dragon" isn't as much a fighting stance as it is a training stance. It toughens the body and trains the body to move forcefully. It's characterized by deep stances and stomping. Serpent and dragon are nothing alike.
Tissue does not noticeably swell immediately after impact (it takes a minute or so). Also? Stop calling bruises haematoma. Normal people do not speak this way.
Modern tactics aren't your strong-suite I take it?
Your Russians use the wrong firearm. Russians no longer use the AK-47, and had since moved on to the AK-74 in this time period. Clandestine operatives would also use SMGs rather than full fledged assault refiles, and the Russians have several that are integrally suppressed.
Crossbows are quiet? Wow, you have NEVER fired a crossbow. A crossbow with enough tension to impale a man and stick him to the wall behind him would make an almighty 'THWACK'. For the noise made with the crossbow, you could fire a small caliber round WITHOUT suppression and make the same amount of noise. An integrally suppressed, bolt-locked weapon firing subsonic ammunition makes about as much noise as a penny moving in the bottom of an empty soda can (and I'm not talking about being aggressively shaken either). Even a crossbow designed to be quiet will NOT be quiet. Compound bows are more quiet than crossbows, but not as accurate.
Five men cannot safely fire through a doorway. That's cartoon shit. Professional fireteams don't do cartoon shit.
Soporific ammo... lolwat? I think you meant to say "tranq(-uilizer) munitions". Most tranq-munitions are fired from air guns these days to minimize damage to the target, and tasers have become the go-to solution for non-lethal capture of human targets. Tranq-darts are equipped with a syringe on the front through which they deliver their payload. The problem with this is that they won't feed like a bullet does. Tranq-weapons need to be loaded bolt-open and one shot at a time. Where it concerns suppression I think it would be superfluous, as I don't believe these rounds travel at supersonic speeds.
Why did Harry not look around for useful information in Snape's mind? He does it all the time to everyone else, but when there is a veritable gold-mine at his feet he abstains? WTF? This guy tried mind-wiping him before so it's even JUSTIFIED. Apparenly, you cannot write a consistent character.
You realize that when Snape admits to screwing with Harry's mind in that teacher's meeting that he admitted to assault on a minor? Not only that, but I'm sure there are many more charges that could be leveled against him for this and yet... nothing. NOTHING! There is no way I'll believe Snape would not be held accountable on this. He tried to mind-wipe an eleven year old! There is no way this would be swept under the rug.
Snakes in Harry's trunk? They're cold-blooded. I hope Harry enjoys dead snakes.
Handwriting is identifiable. Leaving notes for people WOULD be traceable back to Harold Thompson. It doesn't take a genius to add two and two.
At the Daily Prophet: "...wouldn't get past without her consent..." just MINUTES after modifying someone's memory. BE CONSISTENT! Also? Completely irrational behavior: what newspaper gives its front page writer ninety percent of the profits, only to insinuate they normally gave her the full one-hundred percent? Are you stupid?
Okay. Harry knows where the Basilisk LIVES, knows how to GET there, has the cockerels he needs to kill it... WTF are you waiting for, people to die? Jesus Christ on a CRUTCH! The time to act was fucking CHAPTERS ago, yet you PERSIST in putting it off! Every single petrified individual is on HIS HEAD (and should be counted as a DEATH as petrification is just a FLUKE) for not having DONE anything in the interceding time. I also find it amazing how no one gives a shit about missing students. You'd think the heads of house or professors would notice, what with there being a curfew and all.
I think you've written so much crap you've forgotten about half of it yourself. Voldemort's soul-bits in Harry's head... why would he put them BACK into the diary when there are unbreakable memory phials in Ravenclaw's study? You know it's bad when you've given your main character so many advantages even YOU can't remember them all.
Sirius now has three houses interlinked with "portals". Lovely... I guess he needs one for himself, one for his things, and one more for his ego.
I doubt a kendo instructor would look kindly on a foreigner trying to learn the art. The Japanese are an extremely insular culture (read: racist) and the nail that sticks out gets pounded down.
Oh, so Harry is an ancient mythical Samurai now too! Wonderful. Of course, as a Samurai, he needs a magical version of EVERY WEAPON EVER. A Tachi is a dress sword, btw. Samurai didn't carry around a truckload of bullshit, you know. A smart samurai found out what worked early and kept doing it... only adding on when he knew it wouldn't get him killed. Fighting with a weapon is more an art of the mind than of the body. You have to learn to feel the flow of combat, and instinctively manipulate your weapon. Conditioning your mind takes considerably more than a couple of weeks (like a lifetime).
LOL! Armor that weighs one-hundred pounds is useless. It would get you killed, which defeats the purpose of wearing it in the first place.
For a genius, Harry isn't very creative at all. He can move into an umbral state and sneak up on people, yet rematerialized THEN charged upon a rampaging werewolf. Don't you think it would have been smarter for him to stab the werewolf THEN materialize? Don't go saying "objects can't occupy the same place at the same time" because apparition moves things out of the way (like air).
Training martial arts or forms with weights does NOT work. It damages your muscles, stretches your joints (in a not-good way), compacts your bones, and disrupts the balance of your forms when you aren't wearing any weights. In short: this idiocy does more harm than good.
Metamorph abilities that one can control to a point that he can "toughen" himself? Can he also stretch his limbs out or alter his internal physiology at will? He should be able to do just about anything, then, including making weaponry out of his own body or completely morphing around harm.
Your character is, simply put, godlike and the only thing holding him back is YOU. If you want a super powerful Harry, fine, but do something to make it interesting for fuck's sake! I read through seventeen chapters of absolutely NOTHING but original characters I care nothing about, unbelievable situations I cannot believe, and flat and uninspired portrayals of the only characters I want to read about.
tl;dr version: make it interesting or don't bother.
@Renegade Cause, Ch 10
I can't finish this chapter and I'm done with this fiction.
You told me this fic really "begins to shine" around Chapter Five. If this is your definition of shining, I'd rather not stick around to witness the rest of this so-called 'brilliance'.
My first issue with this fiction: characterization. Harry is a fifteen year old boy. How is he suddenly cunning and politically savvy? Fifteen year old boys are not especially intelligent or creative, and spend more time thinking about tits and vagina than... well that's all, really. It is the fifteen year old who is predictable — NOT the machinations of those older and wiser than he. That Harry is calling a man who's been playing the game longer than he's been alive "predictable" makes me wonder why we are not all currently living under the thrall of a nine year old dictator (not that it would be much of a change).
Chapters Three and onward have done little other than convince me that Harry should invest in some silk panties, as those tighty-whities really seem to be chafing his overly sensitive clitoris. Failing that, he needs to be pimp-slapped through a china cabinet (preferably by Shacklebolt) then forced to pick up every piece on hands and knees while he cries. This would amuse me greatly.
Harry is NOT a leader. Why are Tonks and Sirius deferring to him? Good god, they treat him like he's a king and they're advisers to the throne! Seriously? Divide your age by two. The quotient is the age of the person you are deferring your authority to. I doubt I'll take someone half my age seriously when I turn FIFTY! Know why? Because I'll have DOUBLE their life experience, THAT'S why!
My second major issue with this fiction: logical leaps. A normal person's logic is solid, straightforward, and limited in assumption. Assumption is the enemy of logic and casts any conclusions you've made into doubt. Apparently, you have no effing clue how to come to a logical conclusion. Your characters operate on the tiniest SHREDS of info and somehow, MAGICALLY manage to piece together every minute detail of a plan they were never privy to.
Exibit A — No one would cast magic in Gringotts unless they had nothing to lose. It must be Harry Potter!
Really? I shouldn't have to point out how completely retarded this is. First of all, he has two things to lose: he's alive and he's free. Secondly, it's a bank and there are PLENTY of reasons for ANYONE to break in. Thirdly, ANY underage wizard could have cast the spell. The only thing they 'know' is that a kid cast a spell in the bank. That's all. THE END.
Exibit B — Hermione figuring out everything Harry had done that morning.
We all know Hermione is a know-it-all cunt who can't keep her trap shut for five seconds. We also know that JKR writes her as an encyclopedia of Deus Ex Machina. I take exception, however, to her taking one look at him, seeing a couple of folders and an invisibility cloak and automatically come to the conclusion that Harry broke into Gringotts. For chrissakes, Harry could have broken into a Fish & Chips, eaten for free and made off with the fucking till for all she knows. To further figure out that Fleur was in on it and assisted him? Are you fucking kidding me? If he was wearing a blue shirt, does that mean he talked to Vesparian Welmon? He's Griffindor, so that obviously means the person he's blackmailing must be Rufus Scrimgeour! WTF is wrong with you?
Exhibit C — Kemester accusing Scrimgeour of being "bought off" by Harry when they had yet to even prove Harry was at Gringotts in the first place. Assumptions are now piling on assumptions.
Exhibit D — Hitwizards think Harry and Shacklebolt must be hiding Sirius Black with absolutely NO supporting evidence. Now you're just pulling this out of your ass.
Exhibit E — A shop blows up when Harry is near it, an angry mob attacks him and then a law enforcement manhunt is organized to go after him. Apparently, no one notices gorgeous veela girls in Diagon Alley anymore, as I'm fairly sure his 'accomplice' would have been easily identified. This is where I stopped reading, completely disgusted with this fiction.
A normal person's logic: one plus one equals two.
Your logic: one plus one equals Pi, the square root of Delicious Cake divided by zero.
Third major issue: law (again) and professional conduct. If you're going to write a fiction about crime and punishment, you might want to put a bit of effort into it. Public opinion may be daunting, but there is no such (literal) thing as a 'court of public opinion'.
Kemester has a conflict of interest and would not be allowed anywhere NEAR Potter. Also, he would more than likely be given a forced leave of absence to deal with his brother's death. There is no way he would be eligible for the Hogwarts squad either, especially after his court conduct. He should have been suspended from active duty right there. Coupled with his brother's death it might even be indefinite suspension pending a psych-eval.
Harry can pursue his property (family vaults) case no matter what. Law exists to protect property... public opinion doesn't matter (ad nauseum).
I don't care if Amelia Bones is a peacemaker, if Kemester screws up it's her ass in the fire. I highly doubt anyone would stick their neck out that far for someone else professionally.
Harry has a right to defend himself. If someone puts their hands on your person you have every right to stop them with force. If someone throws jagged glass at me you can bet I'm drawing my gun. Public opinion does not negate your rights.
Lastly: facepalm worthy moments.
"This bluff is going to be worthless if I don't have something to back it up..." lolwat. That's what a bluff is. If you HAVE the cards it's not a bluff.
"The more time Scrimgeour has for the message to sink in, the more effective the blackmail will be..." Need I remind you that this blackmail is based on a bluff? The more time he has to consider YOUR position, the more tenuous your hold over him becomes. Also? He's got a larger powerbase than Harry. Anything you can do he can do better.
"My cover is flawless, just like every other inch of me, Harry." The only acceptable response to this was "Prove it." You fail.
Worst cover-name EVER. Using an uncommon first name like Nymphadora is bad because, A: it's easily recognized and remembered and, B: it's her REAL name, jackass!
The twins managed to get close to a heavily guarded bank with two crates full of fireworks and somehow not be seen? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?
Explosives vs. Fireworks. While they can be used somewhat interchangeably explosives are generally made to cause damage, whereas fireworks are the opposite. Pretty sure cops would know this.
Hitwizards being cops. Uh, a 'hit' is a murder contract. Therefore, a hitman is a murderer for hire. I'm really not sure how hitwizard went into your brain and came out as a magical Bobby (trading his truncheon for a wand) and not sure I'd want to know. Suffice to say it's one of the larger aspects of this fic that annoys me.
Phallic Fidelius Failure: Questioning Shacklebolt about Twelve Grimmauld Place would accomplish exactly nothing. He's not the secret keeper. Yeah, I saw what you did there. The next chapter you tried covering your ass, but the way you fixed the situation was even more lame. Why would Shacklebolt NEED the scrap of paper at all when he already KNEW the secret? Oh, and how convenient it was in his hands when they arrested him.
Annoying and repetitive clichés. "...eyes narrowed dangerously." Wow, ruins the effect when you use it EVERY CHAPTER. Fear the narrowing eyes of Harry Potter! He's got to squint to see you on a good day, so... who cares?
Scrimgeour assumes Harry uses polyjuice, a potion which takes a month to brew and requires a hair from the person you wish to impersonate, when he knows he has a Metamorph in his OWN department. Coupled with Shacklebolt's arrest, I think he'd be a bit more cautious about double-agents. But, what do I know? I thought all your characters were sublime diviners and now, suddenly, they can't see the forest for the trees.
Constant assurances of "we're on your side" and "I did what I had to" stopped being annoying and started becoming painful around Chapter Seven. Too much butthurt angst does not a plot make. When your character is getting tired of repeating himself perhaps you should take a moment to consider how fucking tired of this bullshit your readers are.
"A pity so many people don't want to cooperate – or give me the tools I need to finish the job." Why should they? I mean, what would Harry really do in your fic if he wasn't bitching about something unimportant?
"...everything I've worked for is for nothing." Well, yeah... he hasn't DONE anything. But damn, if it wasn't a long ten chapters of doing nothing.
So I gave it my best shot. Eight chapters later and I hate it even more. I feel like the joke is on me though, as you have successfully trolled another review out of me with this horrid batch of crap called 'Renegade Cause'. Kudos to you, you ignorant slut.
@Renegade Cause, Ch 2
I can't go any further with this fic. I might come back to it later, but as of now it is far too annoying.
As much as J. K. Rowling mangles law in Harry Potter, you're making it worse. If I run from the police, that's RESISTING ARREST. If they happen to get side-swiped by a car while chasing me down the street, I'm still RESISTING ARREST even if they die.
It is NOT murder (in any degree) as there was no "malice aforethought".
It is NOT Voluntary Manslaughter, as I did not willfully try to end their lives. I might be charged with Involuntary Manslaughter, but unless I caused that car to swerve into the police the charge cannot stick. (I.E. If Harry somehow caused the plane to change or correct-course into the Hitwizards, and THAT cause them to die, then it would be Involuntary Manslaughter.)
Two counts of 'Assault (with intent to maim or cause grievous bodily harm) on an Officer', and one to three (depending on how it is written) counts of 'Assault with a Deadly Weapon' (also on an officer) are the WORST charges that could laid against him. 'Resisting Arrest' is a given, along with whatever magical violations he has committed. 'Reckless Endangerment' is a very poorly written law that he could be charged with, perhaps multiple times. In point of fact, you can be charged with 'Reckless Endangerment' for just about anything, even standing still with a stupid look on your face. It's a spiteful joke of a law and should not exist. Law is the sword and shield of Government and they will use it against you at any given opportunity.
Your description, if it can be called that, of an aeroplane was lacking. Speak plainly (yes, that was a pun). Don't dance around a subject and describe it with needlessly wordy drivel like 'monolithic heavenly stalagmite'. Just because you CAN use a thesaurus does not mean you SHOULD. I would prefer you simply call it an effing 'aeroplane' and not waste my time.
As for the Daily Prophet, you lost me right here: “The Prophet will not paint it like that, though,” Dumbledore replied heavily. “They will say that you were responsible for their deaths, and that you need to be brought to justice. This will discredit you even further, and there will be many a warrant calling for your arrest.”
Are newspapers issuing warrants now? "Many a warrant..." even? No, you have one warrant with all the charges listed. People can have several warrants, but this happens when crimes are committed at different times or in different jurisdictions (although sometimes, you can get multiples through bureaucratic cock-ups). Warrants are not subject to public opinion and do not require public approval — least of all a newspaper's.
Newspapers on the other hand ARE liable for what they print and can be sued. If they were to print defamatory information about Harry Potter which could be PROVEN untruthful, they can be charged with Defamation, Slander & Libel (severity and damages dependent upon proving their intent for doing so). It's why they print retractions so often.
All this in two chapters was enough to put me off your fiction. I recommend you do your research before jumping into scenes that are beyond your knowledge level. I didn't notice your prose at all, which could mean I was distracted by your other errors or — more likely — that it was solid and sound. Kudos.
I hope to be pleasantly surprised by this fiction in the future.
@Wolf, Ch 4
I tried, I really tried to make it farther than this but I couldn't do it. You're a freaking terrible writer, and one of the worst I have ever seen on this website. There are so many things wrong with this fiction I am having trouble putting them into a logical progression so that I can make an organized critique of you.
Your word choices are poor, your spelling is atrocious, your grammar and syntax are PAINFUL, you overuse words ('lust') ad nauseum, and you need to watch for heterographs, homonyms, and heteronyms. "...I’m using an Australia spell checker..." Dear. God. An 'Australia spellchecker'. Really? How's that working for you, mate? Well you spelled Australia correctly so I guess it must be working. No, you really do make spelling errors... in ANY language — even AUSTRALIAN (damn moon-speak). Spelling a different word entirely still counts as poor spelling.
WTF? Why does everything suddenly shift to italics in Chapter Two then stay in italics? Did you have a neck injury? Then it stops over half-way into Chapter Three, only to inexplicably italicize the word ‘said’ every time it is used. After which you seem to go to a completely random system of alternating italics with normal text. I have no idea what’s wrong with you, but I hope it's painful.
In short, you need to go back to Primary School and re-learn how to write. Preferably in English this time.
Now we get onto the truly disturbing part of this fiction: the story itself.
I don't understand how you started off with such a good premise and transformed it into such utterly loathsome tripe. You cannot realistically portray a walk to the store. I know this because I've seen you try that and fail it. How do you expect me to buy into this fantasy of a young, successful WOMAN falling for a twelve year old BOY stuck in the form of a wolf?
First, on my list: believable characterizations. Your characters are the most criminally retarded batch of mouth-breathers I have ever had the displeasure of sharing even the smallest portion of my imagination with.
Harry suddenly and inexplicably develops a proclivity for being a tetchy prick. This is normally considered bad characterization, but as J.K. Rowling did it too I can hardly fault you for it.
Tonks is walking through a forest in 'Surry' (I suspect you mean Surrey) and encounters a wolf. This is extremely rare in Britain and would be cause for pause. The animal makes NO aggressive moves and she fires on it. Is she cruel or does she just hate animals? Also, the Aurors had to erect wards to keep wild animals from randomly attacking them. Why? You don't spend much time in the outdoors, do you genius? Animals are (in general) more afraid of you than you are of them. They aren't spoiling for a frigging fight and they don't come after humans without a good reason.
If you absolutely had to name a wolf something, "Shadow Fang" is about THE most retarded, fourteen year old, facepalm-worthy name you could possibly choose. In fact, 'Fang' anything is so cliche you should be struck with something heavy and solid for even contemplating it. I recommend you go back and change it to 'Stupid Fucker'. In this manner, the name is amusing and your SF acronym still works. Also? He got stuck in his animagus form. Stupid Fucker is the PERFECT name for him (though I can see how it might cause confusion in this instance).
The 'drunken' 'lustful' bartender looked her up and down and poured himself a beer. So fucking what? This is enough to make him both drunken and lustful? She wants to break his arm for it? WTF is wrong with you? Where a man looks is his own prerogative and his right, and there isn't a damned thing she can do about it without breaking the law. He's not even seeing the real her, a point you went on at length about! Women LIKE to be looked at, or do you think they spend eternities on their appearance because they wish to be ignored? You think they wear heels to make them look taller? What they don't appreciate is 'creepy' dudes looking at them (or staring, or drooling... or humping their leg). My guess is you fall into this category and took your multiple rejections as a woman's standard reaction to all men. Either that or you are too young and virginal to know better.
"...Tonks was a rare thing after all, a witch who wanted to be a more than just be a woman who stayed home and looked after the kids..." Words cannot describe the win. You have no clue, do you? I mean, one second you're the crusading white knight ready to break a man's bones for 'objectifying' a woman by considering her attractive, then this. Having a female character think this is just icing on delicious cake. Whatever it is you think you are doing you are accomplishing the opposite. You can tell you've been raised by a woman, you've got the fingerprints of dumb-cunt feminism all over you.
Intruders? Seriously, people are breaking into her house and trying to either ask her out or kill her and/or her wolf? This is patently retarded. I think it is safe to say you have no clue how real life works as she would have been making arrest after arrest after arrest. Tonks threw a fork at Dumbledore’s head — as an Auror acting in her professional capacity in front of the entire student body, the professors, and her superior officer — and everyone takes it with good cheer? Lolwat. Then her wolf bites Snape’s hand so hard the bones break… again no reaction. Also, talking about having your period and having sex with an animal who is really an underage boy at the dinner table (or at any other time, really) is considered poor decorum.
“…although I might let him if he’s in his human form again and has put a ring on my finger.” Pedophilia is pedophilia is pedophilia. Also? It’s pedophilia. She's going to take a twelve-year-old who's spent the last 4 to 5 years stuck as a wolf on a dinner-date when he gets his human form back. I'm sure he’ll woo her with his TWELVE YEAR OLD charms then take her home to ride the red-rocket. I hope she's not expecting too much in the sack, although I’m sure she’ll find the ‘shag’ she’s been missing (insert eye-roll). Just make sure he wraps that rascal. Who knows what she'd catch if he were to go raw-doggin' it (lawl).
Harry is supposedly a wolf. What you expect to hear when you see a wolf prowling through town is not: "Cute doggie!", but more along the lines of "Jesus Christ it's a wolf get in the car!" Canis lupus ain't known for a friendly disposition (they will eat your goddamn face), and they don't look anything like canis familiaris. You’d know this if you’d ever seen one IRL.
The head of the DMLE taking an active part in a training exercise for recruits. I’m sure greenhorns are just as fascinating to her now as they were twenty years ago (read: not at all). Lrn2delegate. I’m sure she has much more important things she could be doing with her time, like going to a hair appointment.
Speaking of law enforcement, here's some legality issues.
Harry's a person, NOT a pet... therefore he has certain rights. Also, he's a minor, which means SOMEONE is responsible for him legally. NO effort was made to contact these people. That's illegal and I don’t care in what country. As a minor, no matter how old he is in wolf years, I don't think the Auror program would allow him to be Tonk's partner. It's illegal as I have already stated and a liability as children are prone to bouts of stupidity. Exhibit A: this fiction.
Some consistency would be appreciated. The sheer amount of idiotic drama in this fic makes me laugh because it's so SAD. Harry bites Tonks for making a completely appropriate (though extremely childish and unfunny) joke, yet he does nothing when she chucks a fork at Dumbledore’s head. Likewise, Tonks puts Harry critical condition for jumping from shadow to shadow (harmless) yet does nothing when he tries to bite off a man’s hand. Do you even read what you write?
It's gem's like these two that really hammer home what an idiotic travesty and colossal waste of time this fiction is:
“Tonks quickly remembered that it was December…” Holy crap! I’m glad she’s been through Auror training. Little details like that often slip past people undetected. It takes a highly trained mind to sort through information quickly and come up with the pertinent details like it’s December… in Scotland. Also? They’re standing outside.
“…it a sign of a good alpha that you can control your temper and not rise to the bait of those beneath you.” Utter ignorance. It is the sign of a good alpha when you school your lessers, get first share of the food then screw all the bitches WHILE THEY WATCH. You don't know anything about packs, or animals, or... anything really.
Your characters have no struggle at all and there is nothing for them to do. Everything they need just conveniently drops into their laps without any effort on their part. Tonks meets a vet & doctor by the name of McG, who is related to Minerva McG. Wolf-boy can dig up writing implements from ANYWHERE and write legibly using just his wolf-mouth (you know, without those hamstringing cuspids getting in the way). Madam Bones has his vault key — which remains 3 months after he was declared dead by the Ministry. Why, why, why? None of this makes any logical sense and makes the story incredibly boring to read. Without conflict you have no plot, you just have retarded characters doing fuckall.
Special treat for your readers: more stupidity! Animals don't come in just one size, gobshite. Also? This reads like some frigging imaginary Pokemon you just dreamed up. Truly this is utter failure. Your Auror file for Tonks is likewise retarded. Who honestly cares about this imaginary crap? It’s just as retarded and unrealistic as everything else you have written. If you want to give your 'readers' a 'treat' — stop. Just stop. The only way this fiction can get worse is if you CONTINUE WRITING IT, and the best possible thing you could do to improve its quality is to delete it.
Obvious ANBU recruitment is obvious.
You're a good writer and I've enjoyed your story so far. You keep things moving along and your prose is solid and draws neither good nor bad attention.
My concern is the way you have handled battles.
Specifically, things like this are highly annoying:
"...surrounded on every side by far superior numbers."
"The Leaf nin all looked on as they jumped away."
Uh, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot — over?
Naruto's abilites seem to be in a constant state of flux. You've given your character preternatural stealth abilities, now you need to be consistent. This is the same exact problem all authors who write an overpowered character fall into. Your character can end just about ANY battle in seconds. Giving him this ability was ultimately to your detriment. You can no longer have a believable fight between Naruto and other characters you need or want to keep around.
Instead of Naruto picking the Sound Four off, he toys with the enemy. This flies in the face of everything you have written so far. I stopped reading for awhile it annoyed me so much, and almost wanted to skim the entire chapter.
You've made some weapon handling mistakes as well, but I can't remember where or what they were and I'm wrung out. This is a good fic so far. Keep up the good work.
P.S. — Learning what there is to know about Musashi and Sun Tzu's respective texts takes damn near forever. I've found that when you think you've learned all they have to teach, you haven't.
@Postmortem Ichigo, Ch 1
Remember: you asked for this.
"Postmortem Ichigo" is so utterly terrible that I did not finish the prologue. I've seen more than enough here to convince me I do not care where this story is going.
First of all, you need to do your historical research. There is NO excuse for knowing nothing about a subject which serves as focal point for your entire plot. This is the Information Age and you are using the Internet. If you have enough time to look ME up, then you have enough time to look up historical information. But, since you asked nicely, and I am so magnanimous, I will continue my rant on why this fiction is such a failure.
During the final stage of WWII the Japanese were fighting a desperate war against the States. They were losing at sea, American bombers could strike Japanese targets with impunity, and the only way the Japanese could slow the Pacific Fleet down was to dig into caves on the islands and fight inch for bloody inch.
That, Azraelean, is what is known as a war of attrition. It means that you're trying to break the enemy's resolve through sheer bloody-minded tenacity; to break their morale and out ENDURE them. That takes every single able bodied man you have at your disposal doing everything in their power to fight a losing war and still, somehow achieve victory. Hirohito demanded nothing less. They freaking bolted men into their cockpits to ensure they would die with their planes — so they would commit suicide taking as many Americans with them as possible in a quick death because if they didn't they'd DROWN instead. There were CHILDREN throwing grenades on Iwo Jima. The Japanese supply lines were so thoroughly destroyed that they were resorting to cannibalism and eating POWs.
Yet here you are giving us the scene of a happy family (Isshin and Ichigo included) sitting down to breakfast... THREE DAYS AFTER THE FIRST ATOMIC BOMB!
There is no excuse for you.
The best bit was when Karin "wished the Emperor would just give up already..." After explaining to you what a war of attrition is, do you really think that the Japanese were in a "let's just give up" frame of mind? Hurr hurr. Their propaganda machine was so insane, there were instances of people throwing themselves (and their children) off of cliffs because they were told the Americans would kill them in the most painful way possible.
Seriously, there is no excuse for you.
Sentence structure and syntax are also big problems. I really can't cover the numerous errors you have made with basic English. I have neither the time nor inclination to teach you to communicate effectively using a written medium. My advice would be to read and study books written by professional authors. Imitate their structure and FEEL the language, and you will learn it.
Fanfiction is NOT a good tool for this. The rest of these idiots have the same problems as you. Go to Intelligo's profile and read 'The List' for some common pitfalls authors fall into on this website. He covers some other things you have done wrong (such as chapter length).
You have a long way to go before I'll want to read anything by you again. Good luck.
@ANBU, Ch 4
Well here I am, as requested. I know its been some time since you asked I review this fiction but I don't call myself the Litany of Punctuality, do I?
The first point I would like to make, and the reason I have been hesitant to leave a review on you until now: you review YOURSELF. This is a classic sign of the review whore and it leads me to believe you thought of me as a way to increase your count by one. It does not end there however, but you also review yourself with a sock-puppet (unsigned reviewer) named 'M' who makes his debut at chapter twelve to defend you. "Those who criticize this fic are foolish." Really? Count me a fool then because here it comes...
You break the fourth wall a lot. So much, in fact, that this fiction fails to hold my interest at all. Things like 'oral fixation' are Freudian, and so out of place they make me reflexively face-palm. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas — square footage (multiple instances of this idiocy) — HD (I assume we are talking about televisions now) — ad nauseum. This is not amusing in the least and breaks the reader's immersion. You cannot tell a story to anyone if they are no longer paying attention.
Let us forget for a moment that this is a fanfiction for a really bad anime, because right now I would like to cover surrealism. You try to insert a thin veneer of realism OVER a badly flawed, BS-driven system of uber technique spamming. Sure, a single kunai can kill you... but how? Ninja in Naruto are godlike masters of the elements with enough power to make Toriyama Akira crush his scouter and scream "its over nine-THOUSAND!" and flirt with more Deus Ex Machina than JK Rowling with a bad case of writer's block and a deadline to meet. A kunai simply cannot kill a ninja because the Rule of Cool will not permit it to. Kunai, in case you haven't noticed, can only strike logs, clones, and non-vital areas. Until you fix the fundamental flaws within the system, you will never be able to break this rule. If you wish to prove me wrong, kill off Hinata with a kunai to the ear and make her death both permanent and believable.
Dialogue. The first few spoken sentences I read from this fic I made a sticky note that said "good dialogue". I later retracted this opinion when I realized you try too hard. Seriously. When every single spoken phrase in your fiction has to be some puerile witty nonsense, you have officially convinced me that you have not (or should not have) graduated high school. Stuff like this was cool back then, but I have since grown up and grown out of the need to feel clever and verbally taking jabs at the manhood of my friends. Hinata is so far out of character that you could slap ANY random name on her and her characterization would be more believable (I would sooner believe Kiba got a sex change than you are writing Hinata).
Which brings me to my next point: character development. We need some ques here. You can't just say, "oh, some years have passed and people change," you need to tell us 'why' and 'how'. How hard is it to say, "years of being X's teammate had forced Y to shed his or her Z persona in favor of W. She had also become fast friends with V, X's sister which all came together to round her out rather nicely"? Character development is the crux of writing; it is the entire POINT of writing! You CANNOT write a believable or interesting character that does not develop. Having that development occur in ways you cannot read about is like saying to your reader "I don't feel like giving you any quality writing... but look I had this neat idea called NARUTO-HINATA 4-EVA!" You cannot SKIP character development, EXCLAMATION POINT!
Utterly retarded code-names. 'Dark Fox' and 'Night Orchid'? Even Ninja-X sounds better than 'Dark Fox'. 'Dark Fox' sounds like some Disney character five year-olds watch on Saturday morning before quickly growing out of. If you really, really wanted to be super-gay though, go for '人間間の神'.
Finally, we come to the great killer of fanfiction everywhere: KNOWLEDGE. I know, I know... you're just a fanfiction author. Sadly, this is no excuse for ignoring basic logic. I would like to cover my points here in an itemized list format that I think will move along more quickly than a great hulking paragraph dedicated to showcasing your idiocy.
1. ID Cards: this is retarded for two reasons. The first is that they are easily faked with a little bit of pre-planning or can be captured. The second is that it gives an illusion of security where there actually is none.
2. Execution of random personnel (dissidents) is probably THE fastest way to ensure your removal from power via coup de tat. Seriously, the wholesale slaughter of loyal ninja who are well liked, in a village full of ninja who believe in team-work above all else, is stretching the bounds of ludicrous. This was easily the dumbest thing I've read all week.
3. You gave Naruto a fox mask. YOU FAIL.
4. What else would Naruto do with his money other than buy an expensive house and TV? Hmm, I'm thinking weapons? Contrary to what seems to be popular belief, weapons are incredibly expensive. Quality costs, and when your life is on the line you don't want anything but the absolute best. Considering the amount of random BS a ninja would carry depending on his or her mission would change with the mission parameters (oh, and it's a perimeter wall, not a parameter wall btw) then a ninja buying their own equipment (to ensure its high quality) would be paying through the nose for good gear. I really don't see ANBU pay as being that great either. I mean, do you really see the ANBU going on strike?
5. Naruto isn't passionate about the fairer sex? I think you need to read the earlier manga again... pay special attention to Naruto's interaction with Sakura. You might notice some obsession... but maybe it was just me.
6. Ramen as an ideal shinobi ration. NO. NO. NO. This is retarded. Zero protein, requires preparation, extremely high sodium levels which spike your blood pressure makes a good ration? Oh, it's got fats and carbs alright. Compact though? What ever happened to plain rice? Which is, in your own words, "...as far as raw calories go" far superior.
7. Naruto being loyal to Konoha over everything else? He did train under Kakashi, right? See number 2 above for some details I think are important in this matter. Naruto being loyal to Konoha makes absolutely no sense the way you have written Konoha. 'The good of one over the good of many' is likewise something Kakashi, and by extension Naruto, would hate. You also contradict yourself by implying Naruto is more loyal to Shikamaru as he gains influence to restore power to the Hokage.
8. Why would ANYONE make Shikamaru a puppet Hokage? A Kiri ninja would have made more sense in the position! It is not exactly an S-class secret that Shikamaru is an expert manipulator. It is a recipe for disaster to place him in this position so why did your Danzo do it? No logical reason, I can tell you that.
9. 'Teme' is just a rude way of saying 'you' instead of politely using someone's name. It does not equate to 'bastard', and you cannot refer to someone who is not present using it.
10. Other random mistakes, such as 'drinking hard boos' (hard booze).
Fanfiction is an ocean of piss, so pissing into it yourself isn't going to make a bit of difference. Perhaps instead of jumping up and down screaming 'oh! oh! look at me!' and trying out the next cool and edgy thing you just thought up, perhaps you should try writing something NORMAL. Unless you can make things believable, no one of any importance is EVER going to notice you have any talent whatsoever. Once you have achieved the ordinary, you will be capable of the extraordinary.
Until then, I hope you find the flavor to your liking.
@Naruto Fuujinroku, Ch 4
Ugh, this is terrible.
Your OCs are too convenient, your characters lack dimension, your drama is idiotic, and your plot lacks reasoning.
Naruto's mistreatment by the village is WAY over the top, because it takes some really loathsome people make a child into a pariah. I'm a pretty sick sociopath on my worst days, but if there's a starving kid looking at me it takes effort to reign in my humanity. To throw shuriken at that same kid might be a laugh in my head, but to actually do it and not be condemned by the entire village goes beyond my reasonable suspension of disbelief. Ignored is one thing, actively shunned is something else entirely and fairly cruel, but assault and attempted murder on a child is pretty freaking far-fetched. That it is a common enough occurrence as to bear blase mentioning in perpetuity is completely unreasonable.
Being attacked, maimed and mutilated is just a predictable and failed attempt to ratchet up the drama. I can buy that he survives given the sheer amount of Deus Ex Machina dwelling in his stomach, but 'recovery' is NOT something that happens overnight. NEVER being able to see light again... you think a kid who just got cut up by a maniac — at an age where kids are still afraid the dark and of monsters in their closet — is going to just be 'OK' after a night of consolation from people he has NEVER met before? I don't think you need me to tell you this is absurd.
An ellipses demonstrating a pause in conversation is portrayed by three dots... no more; no less.
Your verbosity makes me want to head-desk myself. When a reader can skim over five paragraphs and you're STILL talking about the same subject (which is by no means complicated) and miss NOTHING, perhaps it is time you learned to be concise. Likewise, having a character repeatedly address the same feelings does not make them feel more 'real' to your reader — it simply makes the reader annoyed with you. YES, we KNOW Naruto is mistreated by the village... might we move on? Yes, Hinata is trying to be more assertive... we GET it! Your OCs are ageless... I understood it the first time!
Breaking the Fourth Wall is highly annoying; breaking it CONSTANTLY is inexcusable. If something is going to happen in the future, do NOT address it in current narrative (inside or outside of parenthesis; it does not matter)! If it is not part of the current scene it doesn't belong in current narrative voice.
Onto your OCs. I can't imagine a more convenient pair of people. It's Gary Sue and Mary Stu, all rolled up into one ultimate-sensei package! Given that Naruto having doujutsu is overdone, you decided you would be 'clever' and remove his eyes entirely. Thus, you could give him a godlike amount of chakra, an uber wind-affinity and an excuse to develop a technique superior to 'normal' vision with a character 'flaw' all rolled into one. 'Fuujinroku' indeed. I like the way you threw a jab at the other doujutsu fics with your little transplant joke... as if you'd fooled anyone. Give him a harem of all the hottest (older) kunoichi plus the ramen chick and your fic will be complete!
'Saya' in romanji is a shell or pod like the wooden sheaths you find on katana. I thought you were making a dirty joke until I realized you just were not that intelligent. You need to research your Japanese more before acting like some kind of expert in your Author's Notes.
Another excellent chapter... I can't thank you enough.
I am especially appreciative of your characterization of Fleur, and her immediate dismissal of Harry's name choice for the ship. If you are still soul-searching for a name, 'Epoch' sprang immediately to mind for me.
Gold wouldn't necessarily lose its value straight away, though I'm sure it would be difficult to control such a vast amount of wealth. Most countries are completely off the gold standard now anyway, and use bogus fiat currency they create out of thin air when they feel like it (just because they say it is worth something... when it, in fact, is not). Injecting a massive amount of gold into the market would screw up liquidity, but not entire economic structures in this age. It WOULD however screw over those who use it as a 'safe haven' asset, as gold and silver are 'legal money', and not 'legal tender'. You would have been absolutely correct though back in the 1970s, before Richard Nixon was President of America and took the US Dollar off the Gold Standard, and thus screwed up all currencies backed by it. (This rambling is not a criticism, I'm just trying to be helpful with info I rarely have use for.)
So Chronos and Harry have met before, eh? Only it seems that Chronos wasn't really there... yet. I would postulate that he exists outside of time and thus in all times, if I had any idea what you were planning (and make no mistake, I'm rather keen on waiting for it). He was created by Harry though, and I guess the time's counter-force, equal and opposite of Harry's own temporal anomaly. This almost makes me think the Orc-Mare themselves are Shadows of Harry's past, that they can cancel out his magic because they are, in effect, anti-Harrys. Like I said, this fiction is wonderfully thought inspiring.
A most powerful and moving ending (pardon the pun). He's so close and desperate for that release — to share. Your foreshadowing of that point, talking about the most dangerous phrases in the world put you even more points ahead in my Cool-Book.
"Once upon a time I had this idea... an idea to unmake time and save the world." "...and there was no way it could go wrong; of course not."
Masterful. I did change your punctuation around a bit, though. We do differ slightly in preference there at least.
I am anxiously awaiting your next chapter. I hope you find exams as easy as stringing me along for another few month (or two). Just remember, DON'T rush! Take your sweet effing time mate!
This review is a long time in coming because, quite honestly, you intimidate the hell out of me. I have never come across a writer who is so extraordinary I am awe-struck; professional or otherwise.
Your plot is not yet completely revealed, but already the complexity sends my mind churning for hours after every chapter. Is Saturnia masquerading as Grace? At times I wonder... What exactly is Chronos? While on the topic of old pantheons, Harry is very reminiscent of Prometheus. Will there be parallels drawn? Is the 'final key to the past' how Voldemort controls the Bonemen even though Harry unseats him from Atlantis? You set my imagination on fire... there are no words for what a joy it is to read something so profound.
I have the deepest appreciation for the way you write Harry, and find myself relating to him a great deal. Ever since the prologue chapter I have seen aspects of myself in his character and demeanor, and he has become THE character I aspire to one day emulate in my own writing. Whenever he is faced with adversity, he reacts in spite of it as I would; whenever there is an opportunity, he seizes the advantage as I would; whenever there is a woman involved, he is the romantic I would be... only you have him act in the ways I wish I had thought of and make me look the the bungling fool in comparison. There is such style and force behind Harry's character that even calling him 'ubermensch' seems a pale shadow of the appropriate adjective. I read some of your reviews after you injured Harry's hand and how people took it negatively. Among the parallels between us, I also have a crippled left hand (complete with missing digit). All I have to say is 's h i t happens,' that goes double for life-or-death situations.
I'm not sure whether to love or hate the suspense you keep with Harry and his secrets. I want so badly the withheld emotional gratification and reaction (especially in the case of Fleur and Tonks), but at the same time am loathe to see the potential energy drain from that aspect of the story. Another part of me wonders when or if your hand will come down and end the life of a character, leaving us severed from that pivotal emotional release without any fulfillment at all. I also worry that Harry will stick with his half truths, and his story will only be told in some form of memoir... the body of which seems to be interjected randomly into chapters and representative of his thoughts.
On the critique side, I'm really at a loss as to why Harry didn't originally think the sword was a good idea. Wands are, in fact, rather limited in close range the same way a gun is limited: if you can stop it from pivoting and pointing at you it cannot harm you. Bladed weapons are very difficult to stop unless you are likewise armed or guarded, and thus I believe they are superior at close range. I always carry a knife with my gun and keep them both where my hand naturally falls at the pocket of my jeans. Sure, I doubt I'll ever need the knife with the gun right there... but my friends and I have proved the old 'rule of three (feet)' for handguns time and time again. For the case of the Bonemen, I think a sword would be advantageous if it was capable of harming them. Even if Harry does not trust a gift from Chronos he would still benefit from it at close range... even if he had to fashion such a weapon himself.
"Harry Potter and The Wastelands of Time" is the best thing I have read, ever, including professional authors (of whom I have read quite a bit). You are now the standard I hold myself to, fall woefully short of reaching, and aspire to become. After all, who better than the best? I would love to pick your brain about writing some time, and from where - or whom - you derive your inspiration. If you ever feel like having a chat about writing, need a sounding board for ideas, or want some fight scenes gone over (I've lived more than my share), please send me a private message. It would be an honor to hear from you.
Thank you so much for your hard work on this fiction. If you could publish it for money, I'd buy it if I had any. Several copies, in fact. Then, I would staple all my stupid friend's eyelids to their foreheads and make them read it, as I have been trying to get them to do for months now.
Look forward to your next chapter. Don't rush it either. Your fic - like fine wine - gets better with time...
@Renaissance Nin, Ch 3
Where to begin?
I was slightly intrigued by the idea of Naruto losing to Kiba and becoming a 'renaissance-nin'. I had thoughts of him gaining some humility from his defeat and learning a large swath of skills and abilities from the 'Gallant Jiriaya'.
There is no excuse for what this fic truly is.
I understand, as I am also a Pennsylvanian, that it is an utter MIRACLE for a Philadelphian to be literate... much less able to write their own name. Therefore, I was willing to cut you a slight bit of slack with the occasional typo. You went far beyond the typographical, however, and then past misspelling deep into the realm of 'this is so stupid I cannot even begin to decipher it'. I thought at one point in this chapter Naruto threw three kunai and somehow hit Ebisu in the back with a pet shop. I actually had a laugh at the utter absurdity before realizing this was NOT a parody fic... and that you were indeed serious.
Let us leave your buffoonery with basic English at that and go on to other matters. Storytelling is an art which is sometimes subtle and others tumultuous. A good writer knows to set a scene, their audience must have their attention grasped completely and have all sense of self absorbed by the tale you weave around them. This connection between writer and audience is a fragile thing, and it is the writer's job to make sure their audience's level of immersion is always at its peak. Therefore, directly addressing them out of narrative 'voice' is a universally BAD IDEA. (AN: There is no excuse for author's notes cluttering up the body of your work. Especially when it provides us nothing useful!)
Characters... another cornerstone of writing. Development is a huge part of the character because the reader needs to be able to identify with them. The character also needs to struggle and grow in order for the story to be interesting in even the vaguest sense. Emotion may be even more important than development because without emotion there can BE no development. Human beings are ruled by their desires, and the two chief desires are to avoid pain and gain pleasure, in that order. A skilled writer will use a delicate balance of emotion to nudge a character into making choices that fuel their development into what that author wishes them to become. It is a slow process, with drama, angst, love et al threaded delicately throughout the narrative. Where a skilled writer is an artist... you would be more likened to a house painter with a dirty brush and watered down paint in a building condemned for unfit living conditions. This, I think, is an analogy any Philadelphian could understand. There was neither development nor genuine emotion in this fic, and thus I did not feel the least connected to your characters save for being likewise stricken by your terrible writing.
In conclusion, "Renaissance Nin" is utterly loathsome. To improve, I recommend you bolster whatever little you have gleaned from your perfunctory socialized schooling with something - ANYTHING written by a skilled hand and creative mind. Filled to bursting with unforgivable ignorance and the hubris to actually think the world would give a damn to hear it... how sad it must be to be you.
@Cold November Rain, Ch 8
This wasn't really worth my time, but I've got nothin' else to do at the moment.
Your plot is puerile and completely lacking any sort of depth. Character emotions are so shallow I hesitate to use the word 'character' when referring to them, but lack a suitable alternative. If you're going to write something 'romantic' I think there needs to be more feeling in a given scene than "Wow, I'd hit that." Likewise, your attempts at shoving the characters together revolve around serendipity rather than any conscious effort by the characters themselves... this is just a sign of poor writing.
You need a proofreader. Find a Beta... there's a full-half of this site dedicated to people who will read and correct your crap for free; use them. Mistakes like "Your-You're" confusion are truly unforgivable. These are Elementary School mistakes we're talking about here. "Your" is possessive (i.e. "Your story is rather horrible."), whereas "You're" is a contraction of you and are (i.e. "You're (YOU ARE) a horrible writer.")
I'd like to come back to the shallowness of the plot for a moment. In Chapter 8, Yoruichi decides to go to school with Ichigo and is somehow magically registered in classes within an hour. This is ludicrous. At least Hitsugaya's team had Seireitei to register them and an unknown amount of time to do so. Also, there were two new kids that day, why was Yoruichi the only one announced? This chapter was the real deal breaker for me... it's one thing to have serendipity guiding your plot, but quite another to completely fly in the face of logical order.
In short, I think you need to do a lot of work to mature as a writer. Good luck with that...
@The Gift, Ch 15
Wow! Is English your second language? I ask that question a lot, it seems, as public schools continue to live up to their less than stellar reputation.
On your profile page I see that you are somewhat mad at people criticizing you: "I'm trying here people. Do you try? Do you write? If you do then judge away if not BACK OFF!" Your anger at justified criticism amuses me. 'Do you write?' I think you are confused here as you seem to think of yourself as a writer. You are not. Being a writer requires you to have a grasp of the language... something you obviously do not possess.
I only gave this 'story' the most perfunctory of read-overs as your terrible errors (practically one in every other paragraph) were starting to give me a headache. I'm glad this wasn't a paper in front of me, as I would have had to run out to buy yet another red inkwell. As it was, I got so annoyed I filled up my Windows Side-Bar with sticky notes full of errors I caught. Even skipping over massive blocks of text they were still jumping out at me. Here's what I found:
Sweet-Sweat: Sugar is 'sweet', while 'sweat' is perspiration and more salty in composition.
'stuck a cord': in what, an electrical socket? I think you meant to say 'struck a chord'. A 'cord' is a rope or cable while a 'chord' is musical. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume 'stuck' was simply a typo on your part.
There-Their-They're: Dear god... this is third grade! 'There' is a PLACE. 'Their' is possessive. 'THEIR ball (possessive: the ball belongs to 'them' and thus is 'theirs') bounced over THERE (place: where did the ball bounce? Over THERE!)' These two are not to be confused with THEY'RE, which is a contraction of 'they' and 'are'. 'They're (THEY ARE) going to go get their ball back from where it bounced over there.'
Biennial-Banal: Ok, when using the spell-check you really need to pay attention and maybe LOOK UP the word meanings when you don't understand them. If you don't even know how to spell them, then what the hell are you doing using them anyway? 'Biennial apologies' is NOT what you are looking for, 'BANAL apologies' actually makes sense.
To-Too-Two: I thought it couldn't get worse than there-their-they're, sadly you've gone and proven me wrong. This is FIRST grade material. How did you miss out on this? 'To' is the most basic preposition and expresses relation. 'He went to the market'. 'Too' is used like the word 'also', or to express excess. 'She TOO (also), went to (relation: went where? Went TO) the market,' or 'he bought too (excess) much food at the market'. Two is as the number 2, 'Those two (2) went to (relation) the market, I wish I could have gone too (also)'.
It is not 'pish-posh' but 'pish-tosh'. It is also British slang and begs the question why Japanese are using it, from where they heard it, and how badly they are pronouncing it. Again, why use it if you don't know it?
'...goddess of craven images...' Once again, if you don't know for sure what a word means LOOK IT UP! Craven means COWARDLY. I think you meant to say '...goddess of CARNAL IMAGERY...' Carnal means sexual and I'm pretty sure that's what you were going for. 'Images' is likewise wrong in this instance, as it implies limitation. I won't go into it as I think the concept of higher level grammar might break you.
Know-now: An easy typo to make but one that irritates the living hell out of me. 'Know' is the root of the word 'knowledge' and self-explanatory. 'Now' denotes events in current time.
'Tousled' hair, meaning disheveled, not 'tasseled' hair like ears of corn. Again (ad nauseum), look up your words if you're unsure.
'Definitely' not 'Defiantly'. 'Definite' meaning something which is certain. To be 'defiant' is to resist.
Sham-Shame: '...had been one big shame.' I think you mean '...had been one big sham.' A 'sham' is something which is fake, as in 'Sham-WOW! Those are some expensive fucking towels!' Whereas 'shame' is the emotion you would feel if you were to buy said expensive towels.
Mollify-Mortify: To 'mollify' is to ease in temperament, or to make tender. To 'mortify' is to become debased or humbled (suffering embarrassment).
Tomb-Tome: A 'tomb' is a burial vault, whereas a 'tome' is a bound text. The 'Lexicon' would thus be a 'tome', not a 'tomb'.
A 'quip' is a bit of joke or sarcasm done on the spot. It is NOT interchangeable with 'said' for any old reason. If Shinji were to 'quip' he would say something witty. Since this story lacked wit, I'd say there was no need to have this word in it at all.
Euclidean Geometry: I don't understand how something's form can be non-Euclidean. Geometry is taking the measure of something, and non-Euclidean Geometry is simply finding the measure of intercedent parts using hyperbole and ellipses. This makes no sense to me... we are all made of parts that can be measured through Euclidean and non-Euclidean axioms. I'm forced to believe you know something I don't or are just making things up that sound cool.
This is only what I caught when browsing. Imagine if I had been editing! This is why I find your vehement reaction to critics so amusing. If you were actually trying, perhaps you would LISTEN to your critics and question your own writing. It's FAR from perfect. My writing isn't perfect either, and I make the occasional typo. The difference between us is I strive to do better. If I get an angry rant for a review I question what set the person off, rather than getting defensive, angry, and accomplishing absolutely nothing. Some people leave hurtful reviews just to hurt others, but that's life. Get over it; and get over yourself.
Now, I'm not quite done. I found some of your story elements pinging off my realism-radar and wanted to address these as well. First off, Ritsuko's 'Fail-Safe' program... it wouldn't work. She programmed a little call-out into (I assume) the Magi. She also alluded to them needing to search trillions of lines of code. There are simply too many problems with this. The first is that lines of code don't need to be searched manually. They could simply search for any function that made a call-out. Secondly, outside lines can just be shut down. If NERV security was threatened, I highly doubt they couldn't simply deny outside access with the flip of a switch, and not a single peep would be heard from the facility until the program was found and eliminated. Thirdly, and finally, all access to secure mainframes are LOGGED. Even if the doctor could hack into anyone's profile she wished, the changes would have had to occur within a specific time-frame and could thus be tracked. Ritsuko gave away her entire game to Ikari when she told him about the fail-safe.
You took the feminist angle far past the point of irritation for me. Brainwashed feminist ideals hold little appeal for anyone with a brain (male or female). Men are not all 'led around by their dicks', as it were. Males are no more slaves to their sex-drives than their female counterparts. Males are simply more direct, whereas females prefer to use manipulation and subterfuge to see exactly how much they can they can drag out of a male to their own benefit before succumbing. This is not a more 'evolved' rationale, and is the same base instinctual impulse that drives everyone. Not all men are bad lovers either, but perhaps you are projecting your own experience (or lack thereof)? I found the Author's Note where you claimed a virgin's first sexual experience was doomed to be painful of particular note. Perhaps, if there were a little more foreplay than ramming a penis into a vagina the experience might not have ended the way it did?
-sama and -dono are not honorifics to be used lightly in Japan. If you are using them in your story, please be familiar with what they mean. Shinji would NOT be comfortable with the use of such attached to his name, as it is so far-fetched as to be ludicrous, and he would most likely assume it mocking.
In conclusion, I think you need to do a lot of work if you want to be taken seriously. 'Do you try? Do you write?' I think you should be directing these questions inward rather than out. Ask yourself if you REALLY try... honestly. Is letting a spell-check program do all the editing work trying; is it writing? Obviously you have no idea what most of these words are, or I would not have a laundry list of errors from such a cursory reading. There are plenty of free online-dictionaries to help you expand your vocabulary. Why aren't you using them? This site has an entire section dedicated to people who are willing to beta-read what you write and correct it for nothing. Why aren't you using them? If you're making mistakes and people are calling you on them, then you should try to improve. This is the Internet and the ENTIRE WORLD (sans China) has access to your writing now. The only excuse for posting a body of work so fraught with errors (i.e. '...no use scary everybody') is a complete lack of respect for your own work, and thus, a complete lack of respect for your readership. This story, as it stands, is an insult to everyone who reads it... I am wholly unsurprised they insult you back.
Ask yourself this: WHY do you try? WHY do you write?
I hope you take this review to heart and strive to improve yourself. Dismiss me, flame me... I really don't care. God knows if Twilight and Harry Potter can become best-sellers, then any level of idiocy can be popularized these days.
Best of luck becoming an actual writer.
@Cuckoo in the Nest, Ch 1
Okay, I know I'm supposed to feel some kind of empathy with someone here...
So far as I see it, Tony Harris IS the aggrieved party here. Sure, he's a dick, and an idiot for taking it out on the kid. What he should have done was get a paternity test done and then give his (potential) no good slut of a wife the option of being kicked to the curb or biting it.
I dunno where people get these weak male characters from and on some level, I know weaklings and cowards exist... my problem is the prevalence of them in modern literature. Maybe she's working and bringing in her own income and maybe she's not, but making Tony sleep on the couch? She would learn VERY quickly what 'Man of the House' meant where I come from. Doors, walls, etc.? Not going to stop a man on the warpath. And as for wanting to sleep with her? Get real. It's sloppy seconds, even eighteen years later. She lies once; she'll lie again. A relationship ends when lies begin.
I don't know whom I respect least in this situation. Well that's a lie, it's Jessica. But I hate your portrayal of a sniveling weak and cowardly Xander who doesn't fight back as much as I hate the Tony Harris who won't throw his lying bint of a wife and her spawn to the curb.
Your grammar and spelling were top notch as always. I especially like the perspective you used when telling the story. I can't say 'great writing' though because I absolutely loathe all the characters you are portraying and could not finish reading even this chapter. Perhaps I'm too 'old school' and not the least bit forgiving about the BS going on in the story. I know it probably happens like this somewhere, but if your characters are all doormats... what's the fucking point?
@Mars Rising, Ch 1
Okay, I very much enjoyed this fic. There are some formatting problems (at least, I think it was formatting and not you forgetting your spacebar) that caused me a bit of stumbling and backtracking, but nothing overly major. Your grammar and spelling are, as usual, impeccable.
You did, however, get two things wrong...
The first, and most important: Mars is not the Greek God of War, that's Aries. Aries is most often portrayed as a fool and a parable against war and conflict in general, as the Greeks were wont to do (the Iliad, anyone?). Mars, however, was the real deal and God of War to the Romans. As conquerors, they revered him and devoted an entire month to his celebration. I know it's an easy mistake to make, but they really are fundamentally different characters.
The second is a bit more opinion on my part, and has to do with Tai-Chi (Tai Chi Chuan) being a fighting art. If you are looking for arts that use an opponent's own strength against him, I would suggest Jiujutsu or Aikido. Tai-Chi is an art of meditative focus, more for channeling the body's various 'energies' and whatnot. The 'fighting' aspect of Tai-Chi really is... lacking. It's got some basics from hard and soft styles, but it's not really designed to do damage of any real sort. It's great to learn for warm-ups before and after a spar. Otherwise? Fairly useless.
Thanks for your hard work on this fic. It is very much appreciated.
That was awesome...
I'd assumed they were vampires fairly early on, when I read the 'dark fic' warning. You threw me off the scent however, and quite expertly, when Faith proclaimed she was 'hungry' and got fried food. Conflicting vampire mythos had me believing vampires couldn't eat normal food without being forced to retch it back up... so I threw away my suspicions about the wallet et al right then.
This story is expertly told. Details are touched upon just enough to make you wonder, and withheld until the moment everything falls into place. It's almost enough to require a re-read, and I may have to in a day or so when I have the time. I do not recall finding a single error in your prose, grammatical or otherwise.
As far as criticism goes, I can only think of the very same flaws the show itself suffers from... such as a critical lack of firearms and modern weaponry (which would be my preferred way of stopping a Slayer). Combat does not seem to be your strong suite, but you have dodged it rather artfully. 'Tis better not to write it, methinks, than to write a scene the likes of me and mine will literally rip to shreds upon reviewing.
The thing I most enjoyed about your writing was the banter between Faith and Xander. I laughed out loud many times at the off-color humor starting very early in Chapter One. The worst bit for me was working out the 'behind the scenes' details I felt I was missing until it all came together. Since I had already dismissed my vampire idea, you were hurting my brain a little and forcing me to talk to myself to figure out what was going on.
I enjoyed this immensely. Thank you very much for your hard work. I'll definitely be checking out your profile for something else to read tonight.
@Slayers: Three of a Kind, Ch 2
What's the matter with you?
Putting exclamations into narrative is bad form. Not only is it bad form, but because of the emphasis on narrative action it breaks the reader's concentration from the scene and puts that focus on what a moron you are for having put an exclamation there.
Additionally, you have NO idea what you're doing with combat. I face-palmed at least three times reading this crap, and almost head-desked myself before I got to the end of the chapter.
First of all, an HK-53 fires a point-223 caliber rifle cartridge (forgive me for not writing it the proper way, but I don't know what FFnet will edit out and what it will not). Those are made to PIERCE. Why would they go through the trouble of putting suppressors on a weapon that's going to go through every wall in the building anyway? At first, I thought it was because they were going to use them to fire a tranq-munitions, but those need to be operated with the chamber open and no magazine inserted (and I'm not even sure they make one in point-223). I have absolutely no clue as to why you chose an HK-53 for covert use, and since I see no reasoning I have to assume you're a tactical imbecile.
Secondly, your tactics themselves. What group of professional soldiers behaves like these? None! Know why? It is because you need to have a death wish to be so STUPID! A fireteam would NEVER take an elevator unless there was NO other safe way to get into position. Furthermore, a fireteam would NEVER, EVER, take an elevator with its objective (read: VIP) secured. Elevators make ridiculously easy ambush points, all you need to do is hit the call button en-route and it's instant fish-in-a-barrel. Do you even think? Also, assault teams clear and secure areas before proceeding, so they have a clear exfiltration route. They don't come banging out of eigth-floor doors THEN go down the steps. If I didn't have a shaved head, I'd be pulling my hair out at the absurdity. Oh, and a Black Ops team is exactly that, by the way. They DO NOT tell people they were sent by the government. I'm going to let this one go though, since he could have been lying to the characters when he said that and I no longer have the will to read this 'fiction' to find out. If they are from the government though... then WOW. You really are as dumb as I think you are.
Lastly, I'd like to go over some of the finer points of combat with you. Preternatural strength and reflexes aside, I'm pretty sure I (or anyone for that matter) could have blocked a punch from a dude who just vaulted a railing and fell to land in a crouch at my feet. In fact, I'm pretty sure that would be the dumbest thing he could possibly do in that situation. As for Faith, the dumbest thing she could have used in retaliation was an uppercut. She's stronger than him, moron, and he's off-balance from the fall. Maybe she should have just yanked him forward and thrown him down some stairs, yeah? It's like your characters were in a big race to out-stupid each other. *rolls eyes* Moving on... Your fireteams did not move in anything resembling a professional manner. They were clumsy, haphazard, and didn't know the first thing about stacking, room-clearing, or securing personnel for transport. This, I know, is a lack of knowledge on the author's part. Perhaps you should do some research before attempting a scene so obviously beyond your knowledge level? My immediate solution to the lobby problem was likewise not 'let's all rush the guys with guns by throwing a chair at them!', but more along the lines of 'let's see if the dudes upstairs had some equipment we could use, like flash-bangs.' That lobby would have been simplistic if the three had come from three different routes, each with about two FBs. The lobby would have been blind and deaf, some possibly unconscious, and the three could have walked right out whatever door they pleased. The same tactic can be used to varying degrees of effectiveness even with the only soldier's sub-machine rifles. Faith's wouldn't have gone into shock from her shoulder-wound that quickly, either. When your adrenaline is peaked like that, she might have only noticed the wound in the periphery of her mind.
In short, this fic is a major disappointment and I won't be reading any more of it. In the future, I would suggest getting a better grasp on the scene you are trying to write through research or experience. Oh, and knock of the narrative exclamations...
@The Date, Ch 9
I could only go about six paragraphs into this chapter before I thought I'd vomit. The sheer amount of butthurt and BAWW is ridiculous. I honestly should have dropped this review back in Chapter Six but I figured I'd give the situation a chance to play out and for Xander to grow a pair. Obviously, he didn't and it only got worse from there. Xander is a MALE. Personally I think you should write him as one.
Running, crying and being a little baby? What? Oh yeah, that's the kind of guy I'd like to see with MY daughter! Why is he being such a massive clit about it and why does anyone care? Why isn't anyone screaming at him to get over himself? 'Boo-hoo Angst' is BS. Real men don't cry and only this new generation of emasculated, sensitive little pussies would believe otherwise. I'm in complete agreement with Joyce's first judgment call and Xander can go home with his dick in his hand and wallow in his own self-pity for all I care.
Having said that your prose is passable. There are errors but it's better than most I've seen. In sentence-composition I'd rate you very readable, albeit a bit overly simplistic. Both your prose and dialogue can be cheesy, lending even more eye-roll when your inevitable drama-avalanche begins rumbling down the mountain. If I were you, I'd concentrate more on storytelling and a LOT less on the romance aspect, developing it with the story instead of as the main focus. It's obvious the entire point of this fic can be summed up as 'Xander and Buffy equates to good'. I've not seen any real character development, just some contrived reasoning to support your 'thesis'. Are you trying to convince me or yourself?
I'm not convinced, especially after your portrayal of Xander.
Better luck to you in the future...
@Stranger in a Strange Land, Ch 19
I usually only flame the bad fics, but I couldn't help but say you're doing a great job here. Thanks for your hard work.
I feel like I saw a lot of foreshadowing in this chapter. It seems to me like the Chloe of this world is going to die, and Clark will go back home to start over with THAT Chloe (or to be tortured every time he looks at her by the memory of the Chloe he loved). Any way you wish to take it though, I'm digging the plot.
Your prose is solid; drawing neither good nor bad attention. Your character build was a little quick, but fully understandable given the amount of time skipped. I like the way you kept characters in character as well (from what I could tell... I'm not really a fan of the show) and thoroughly enjoyed Clark's introduction to Chloe, mace, and stun guns.
I look forward to reading the rest of this fic, so please continue. Best wishes.
@Trust and Betrayal, Ch 1
This is so bad I can't even finish the first chapter! Easily one of the worst fics I have ever read.
Not only are your characters completely OoC, but you are in desperate need of a proofreader and/or a 3rd grade education. Your prose is flat and uninspired, and I've scraped together better dialogue while crushed and bleeding to death with a truck parked on my chest (no SERIOUSLY, I've done it). I also find myself wholly unable to suspend my disbelief to a point where I can even imagine this ridiculous 'plot' as anything other than laughable.
I could go into more detail, but you're not worth the time. If I were to offer a suggestion it would be to delete this fic and read a book - in that order. Any book will do, really... you've nowhere to go but up.
@Political Alliances, Ch 14
You seem to have a very emasculated perspective on a male's role in a relationship. Here's a hint for you that will take you far in life: Women already have a pussy, they don't need another one.
You write this story like a woman is some kind of great and special thing men should worship and go out of their way for. They aren't. Your characters are also completely retarded, as they do not know how to lock a door or even knock. I saw your little cliche 'fall on top of the naked girl and grab her tits' scene coming six chapters away and you replicated it right down to the shouting of 'pervert!' How lame is that?
Naruto shouldn't be going out of his way at all. He apologized so now it's her problem. Naruto is being a giant pussy and SHOULD be telling Temari to get over herself. If you think differently, then you obviously weren't in line when they were handing out the Balls. Also, if Temari 'expects' him to go out of his way to 'make it up to her', then she's nothing more than a giant flaming hypocrite when calling Shikamaru a sexist. Females can't have it both ways (though they try and try and try and cry...).
Your writing is good but your characters are utterly retarded. I'd go back to the drawing board on this one, since this story could be so much better told with a set of realistic and organic characters, rather than this set of anime caricatures.
Yeah, you are COMPLETELY out of character for Kakashi and I can already feel the Team 7 bashing coming. If you had ever watched the anime or (better yet) read the manga, you would obviously know that Kakashi cares very much for his entire team. Many people believe he doesn't from the SINGLE TIME he chose to train Sasuke over Naruto, but that was entirely justified and a good decision.
I have no idea where this crap you're spewing is headed. Your dialogue could not be worse and your prose stumbles, oftentimes failing to make any sense. Your characters are like caricatures and do not feel the least bit real or organic. Honestly, the characters in this fiction are so shallow they're practically cardboard.
An Anko, Naruto, and Kurenai triple pairing? Get real loser! Naruto can't even get a date his OWN age.
Tactically, your teams (like Kishimoto's) are a big joke. In the first sentence you say Iruka is 'balancing' them and then you put them into the same over-specialized and problematic cells Kishimoto used. Why do you feel it is necessary to rehash every event your audience is already familiar with? You have changed NOTHING! It's like reading a poorly written, poorly scripted, utterly boring version of the manga without any artwork. Seriously, it's bad! I don't understand how you haven't bored YOURSELF into quitting, because I know writing this trash must be harder than looking at it.
In short, 'Maelstrom of Konoha' fails to be interesting in even the vaguest sense. You keep mentioning how it 'gets interesting later on,' but I can't bring myself to care. I'd have to wade through a mountain of crap to get there, and better fictions are much easier to find with just a click of the 'Back' button.
@Wind Lord, Ch 2
Yet another HORRIBLE writer.
Do you even proofread this trash? Many of your sentences completely fail to make any sort of sense. For instance, the very first words of this chapter are: "Alright, hey I am." English, moron, DO YOU SPEAK IT?
Your story is also quite flat, boring, and uninteresting. Your sentences are far too simple (when they're actually grammatically sound) far too often and make me skip entire paragraphs in the hopes of getting to something interesting. I never did...
The review whoring in the footnote, disguised as a poll, was what really clinched it for me. I hereby cast my vote for 'none of the above, and please delete this trash so no more unfortunate souls stumble unwittingly into it.'
Bottom line: you suck. Now GTFO.
@Neo Yondaime Hokage, Ch 5
Wow... this is utterly terrible!
Your awkward prose and poor storytelling style aside, I find myself unable to suspend my disbelief to a point where I can take this fic seriously.
EVERY SINGLE NINJA knows HENGE! How do you honestly expect them to be fooled so readily by it? It's idiotic to believe that so many fully trained spies could be fooled by a schoolyard technique.
Then, your infiltrator is good enough to spy on a Sannin, yet dumb enough to leave behind an entire page of notes? That makes no sense whatsoever.
Knowing that the Henge is such a super-jutsu, WHY would the guards let Hatake Kakashi go when the village was under lockdown? Don't say 'because he outranks the guards', because the freaking HOKAGE gave the order to lock it down in the first place! I'm pretty sure the HOKAGE outranks Kakashi.
The coup de grace, though, was when he 'took away' Tsunade's 'super strength'. Are you kidding me? That strength is simply an application of chakra, and her extremely adept control of it. It's not some superpower given to her by Zeus, you frigging idiot, and thus not something which can just be taken away.
I'm done with you and done with this 'fic'. I'm glad I have a word like 'fic' to use instead of fiction, because 'fiction' denotes something which can actually be read.
On that note, I think I'll go find something else now - something better. You should think about either completely rewriting this trash, or deleting it from this website.
Yeah... it's that bad.
@Breaking the Boundaries, Ch 5
Okay, this is as far as I read. If I cared I would suggest you get a proofreader, but your writing is so bad I doubt it will matter. Also, I think you need to find someone who knows something - ANYTHING - about swords or... I dunno... do some RESEARCH before you try to put together a body of work which revolves around them.
Point one: you have no CLUE what a recurve is and I have no idea what you think it means. The blade you drew does NOT have one. For your own education Google a Chinese Oxtail Saber (which is essentially the blade you drew with an actual recurve).
Point two: a 'triple bladed' sword would have three separate metal blades sticking out of it. I think you meant to say 'triple edged', retard.
Point three: the tip doesn't count as an additional edge, even if it is triangular.
Point four: an additional edge on the back of the blade, near to the tip is called a 'yelman'.
Point five: 'weight near the tip' is what is known as a 'distal flare' (conversely a taper). You have a distal flare yet say it's a taper: "nearing two inches at the hilt before tapering off to the tip."
Point six: you can't see the folds in the steel unless the blade is broken. This is obvious if you know anything about how steel is folded or a sword forged.
Point seven: the weapon you sketched is NOT a katana, being much closer to a poorly designed Chinese Willow Leaf or Oxtail Saber.
Point eleventy-billion: you know fuk-all about swordsmanship (typo intended).
As you can see, I can write a 1K character criticism on just one facet of this story. This isn't even going into your unprofessional, flat prose or the way your story drags on like one-legged dog. I only made it as far as I did because I skimmed over most of what you have made available, and find myself glad to have not wasted the time.
Speaking of wasting my time... there are much better fictions just a click of the 'Back' button away.
P.S. Dollars? Seriously, WTF is wrong with you?
There is no way you're a "chemical engineer", so stop lying. In fact, I doubt you've even managed to get into a community college.
First off, you could NEVER pass a college course with your non-existent writing skill. You're completely terrible, and quite possibly the worst writer on this entire website. A third rate fan-fiction author; as if fan-fiction wasn't third rate enough.
Your grammar is so bad it makes me wonder if you even speak (or are able to read) English. Not only that, but you switch point-of-view from third to first person IN THE SAME SENTENCE! How is that even possible? Do you have a learning disability? Incorrect punctuation, misspellings, homonym errors... the list goes on ad nauseum (but you probably don't know what the means without looking it up).
Don't even get me started on your plot, wait - WHAT PLOT? Oh, you mean that thing where Harry goes around whining about everyone with his boo-hoo angst, thinking he deserves attention because he's so awesome and they're not? Buying everything under the sun and throwing money at his problems because he can? Then, you (the idiot author) make us sit through the most boring 'training' I have ever had the displeasure of skimming over in my life. Oh wait! I forgot to mention all the convenient things you had him 'stumble across' in Diagon Alley... because he wasn't super powered enough when he had enough money to buy his own country, access to ancient magics, and magic power to spare, he gets to be Inspector Gadget now as well.
Your characters are a real laugh. They have a lot of depth and are all well thought out. Can you detect my sarcasm? Your characters are used as nothing but pawns in your fiction. They are completely OOC (on all counts) and just parrot the lines you need them to say. That's not characterization it's just poor writing.
The best part of all however, is when I read this:
Griphook shook his head and replied, “That's not it sir. But most wizards never bother to recognize a Goblins name, let alone what he looks like. Most wizards or witches don't give us the time of day sir." Griphook finished his last sentence with a bewildered look on his face.
Harry looked at Griphook with a sad face and answered back, "Well I'm not most wizards Griphook. I was raised by muggles and was discriminated all my life. Over the years, I have become friends with an Elf, a Werewolf, a Centaur, a Half Giant, and with your permission I would also like to consider you a friend."
Wow, that looks freakishly similar to something RossWrock wrote, doesn't it you filthy plagiarist? Here is RossWrock's version in Harry Potter and the Power of Time to jog your memory:
Griphook was careful in his reply, and took a moment to answer. “I do remember your previous visit, it’s just odd for a wizard, and one so young at that, to remember a goblin’s name. To most a goblin is simply a goblin. I can’t even remember the last time I was addressed by name.”
“Well,” Harry declared, “I’m not like most wizards I’ve found out. In the few years I’ve been around, I’ve had friendly run ins with a dragon, a hippogriff, a werewolf, two giants, a few house elves, and a handful of centaurs. I guess it’s from my muggle upraising, but I find most wizard attitudes quite discriminating towards other magical beings. It’s one of the things I find most unpleasant about the wizarding world. But with an idiot as Minister, what can I expect?”
Of course the original (RossWrock's) is the better version.
In short, this entire fan-fiction is nothing more than a plagiarized version of Harry Potter and the Power of Time, poorly rewritten, with bits of whatever you thought was 'cool' at the time thrown in for good measure. Who knows what other fics you've ripped off? So, Mr. 'Chemical Engineer', do us all a favor and stop writing (plagiarizing).
@The Void, Ch 10
You are a horrible writer.
Honestly, I don't know how I even made it this far. The characters you write are not only flat but OoC, and their dialogue is boring and uninspired. Your plot is terrible with too many holes. Orochimaru attacked Konoha because he needed a better cover story? Are you kidding me? Sleeper cells preparing for some big bad enemy by fighting and weakening one another? Wow, this is ridiculous.
Oh, and a scythe is a peasant weapon. You don't see them in real warfare for a reason. No matter how cool they look, they're for harvesting crops, you idiot. Also, a scythe with a haft that large significantly LIMITS the wielder's options, it does not make the scythe more dangerous.
The icing on the cake of all this is the fact you are a review w h o r e. You're not fooling anyone with your 'polls'. It's even more telling since you don't even have a REAL plan and get your readers to tell you what to write. It's both pathetic and shameless.
Inuzuka binding jutsu? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Holy crap... I laughed so hard I pooped a little. Wow, you really hit rock bottom with that one.
Give up writing for a few years kid. Come back when you've grown a brain and acquired some skill. Until then? GTFO of FFnet.
(For great justice!)
"Litany of Hate: STFU you fraking, Emperor-forsaken Troll. First: If you dont like it then don't read it; Second: If you really think you can do it better and if you really believe that you know about both Storytelling AND Tactics then feel free to write Story yourself. But hey, why do I even bother, anyway? Based on your Profile, you are just a Hate-Filled Basterd who hates stuff for the sake of hating it alone and masturbates furiously whenever someone bothers to reply in any way to you. If thats the case, then you accomplished in your task and should be proud of yourself. A Winner Is You! :3"
Reply: *masturbates furiously*
"This story is beginning to tax my patience with the endless degree of
"Hitwizards being cops. Uh, a 'hit' is a murder contract. Therefore, a hitman is a murderer
This is one of the most hilariously, profoundly stupid attempts at logic I have ever seen.
You make me depressed at the modern educational system. Please do not ever write a
Reply: Engineer: "a person trained and skilled in the design, construction, and use of engines or
"Sorry but I have to honestly say the best thing about this story was the review by "Litany of Hate"."
"I'm not going to bother trying to change your mind as you obviously won't listen to reason. Hate after all is the absence of reason. I will simply make four statements and end it with that.
1)I come up with aliases for certain characters either because I don't want to keep repeating their name over and over again or because I don't want to reveal their true identity just yet.
2)The "Vegetable Head" reference to Vegeta was done already by the dubbed version of Dragonball Z. It was not invented by me.
3)I am all too aware that sticking too close to canon can be boring and bothersome to readers. Dragonball Z was simply one of those shows where I could not come up with a better way for events to unfold so I stuck with what worked.
4)Please keep in mind that A World of Difference was one of my first BtVS crossover fanfics and most of it was posted prior to me getting a beta reader to look over my work before posting.
PS-If you don't like my work then don't read it. No one is holding a gun to your head and demanding that you read it."
SGeo in private message titled "HAHAHAHAHA..."
"You're pathetic. If you hate so much, go find another site, pea brain (that's it! a new
"Well said Litany of Faggotry.
No wonder you're so universally hated, even at DLP. You try much too hard, dude.
Watch out FFn authors, Internet Tough Guy (TM) reviewing HARRY POTTER Fanfiction."
Reply: Ha! Oh, the irony...
"I just have one thing to say to you:
IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, DON'T READ IT!
"Thank you oh king of haters. I appreciate the almost research paperish review
"Heh, you right. My story sucks.
BUT, I never thought of myself as an hotshot so it dosen't matter. :P
I already set out that my first Naruto story, would set out to test my
So Renaissance Nin was a Epic win and an Fail.
Oh well, I got all the Data I need to begin working on my real story and that
Who knows, Maybe you find a reason to hate it?
Thanks and happy Hating! :D
By the way...did anyone tell you your avatar looks like Jafar from alladin in
"I dont meant to be an ass, but I think you go too hard on people, maybe Zen
(This one doesn't even know the name of the person he's defending)
"I'm just writing it as how Naruto acts, you ever seen him act like anything
But since you're going to be such an asshole don't bother to read any of my
(Terrible writing is excusable for terrible fandoms, I guess)
"Well now if your simply looking for a rant that shows that you've pissed me
As for the scythe, its Anime numbnuts they have people wielding 12 foot
Oh and no one's paying me for this, I do it because its enjoyable but dont
"Yes I agree that there are many, many sub par FanFictions in this archive but
I do apologise if this is far too much like a rant for your liking but I felt
Fan O' Fanfic"
"good call on neo yondaime hokage. i really couldnt stomach it after chapter 5
"Thank god there are people like you. People bow down and worship fics so
On a side note, I would very much appreciate it if you would review a fic
("...the author" meaning you.)
"Well, that was only chapter 8. I wasn't that good back then (: However, this
Lord Voldios: in a private message titled "A Letter of Praise"
"Litany of Hate,
I find myself both loving and hating you, or more accurately the idea behind Litany of Hate. While I do occasionally read the groan inducing fic, (usually riddled with abused Japanese phrases, poor grammar, or painfully cliche plot, to name a few issues) I enjoy making the occasional constructive criticism as well. Usually I just give helpful tips on how to improve via constructive criticism. And then there's you.
Like a vengeful God you swoop upon sub-par and downright overrated fics and proceed to rain divine fury upon them until theres nothing left, save for a pile of slag and an increase in room temperature most likely caused by the expelling of gas from an over inflated ego. And while I personally do not agree with your methods I cant help but agree with you most of the time. Some fanfics do quite literally profane the internet and obscure the better, awe inspiring stories with their mediocre filth.
So to you I say bravo sir and please keep up the good work! Perhaps in the future more authors will take after your bold example. Thank you for your unrelenting honesty and brutal directness, as it is truly refreshing.