Moonfire16
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Joined 09-24-08, id: 1701045, Profile Updated: 07-07-09

Hi, my name is Miranda

Hobbies:Playing soccer for my high school team. Also, I absolutely love to read, otherwise why would I have a homepage on this site? I also like to occasionally cook and pretend that I'm a professional chef.

Peeves: 1)I absolutely hate a person that only cares about themselves.
2)Double Dipping
3)A messy house
4)Someone who chews with their yaps open
5)B.O. or to much perfume
6)People who are ungrateful

Friends: I have some weird friends. Don't get me wrong, I love them, but they are just plain WEIRD. Some times I think the only reason that I actually get along withthemis because we are so much alike that it sometimes scares me to death. There's this girl I knew existed in 7thgradebut I wasn't really friends with her at the time. As 8th grade came along we got to know each other a little bit more. Then freshman year we finally became a little bit more than acquaintances but not yet friends. As the year wore on we started to become better friends and what do you know at the beginning of sophomore year we were best friends. As it turns out the girls name was Lynndsey. Now this eligible hot red head is not currently for sale because she is OBSESSED with JacobBlack. Sorry to all you boys out there. But anyway she is one exciting person (she should be with her fiery reddish-gold locks) and is one of the coolest people that I know. She doesn't care what people think about her and totally cool about my sweet but 'I'm the boss' personality. Which makes her like the ultimate friend to have. We are sooooooooo... alike that I think that we were switched at birth and she could be my twin. We look nothing alike but we have similar personalities and we like the same things. Your probably thinking that opposites attract and that our friendship wont last long but that's were you are wrong. We have enough in common that we get along but not to much that its boring.

Favorite Authors:(In no certain order) Sherrrilyn Kenyon, Charlaine Harris, Amanda Ashely, Stephenie Meyer, Christina Dodd, Cassie Edwards, Janet Evanovich, Tamora Pierce, Lynne Ewing, Michele Bardsley, Keri Arthur, Christine Feehan, Emma Holly, J.K. Rowling, Jeanette Walls, Ellen Schreiber, Anne Bishop, Holly Black, Amelia Atwter-Rhodes, Nora Roberts, Angela Knight, Laurell K. Hamilton, Allyson James, and Annette Curtis Klause

HERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT RELATE TO ME; PLUS I THINK THAT THEY ARE FUNNY and on some occasion VERY serious!
(THANKS TO BLACKWOLFGIRL2722 THESE ARE FROM HER)

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.

Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up

92 percent of teenagers would die if Abercrombie and Fitch told them it wasn't cool to breathe. Put this in your profile if you would be part of the 8 percent laughing your arse off.

Life is all about ass. Everyone's either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, trying to get a piece of it, or simply, just being one.

What Friends Do:

Friends: Say that he wasn't good enough when he breaks up with you.

Best Friends: Call him whispering, "You're going to die in seven days."

Friends: Knock on your door and call your parents Mr. and Mrs.

Best Friends: Barge in and say, "Mom! Dad! I'm home!"

Friends: Help you up when you trip.

Best Friends: Trip you again saying, "Walk much genius?"

Friends: Will bail you out of jail

Best Friends: Will be sitting next to you in the cell going, "Damn!"

Friends: Will look at you funny, but still like you

Best Friends: Will laugh with you and run around like a crazy person with you

Friends: May slip up and tell someone your secret

Good Friends: Tell their parents

Best Friends: Take it to their graves

Friends: Are with you until they meet someone better

Good Friends: Are with you until you graduate and only email every once in a while

Best Friends: Are with you always, through everything, will stick by you, comfort you, do anything for you. Best friends are for life.

(I love that one () because it is so true.)

i want the kinda guy. . .
who I can run to; with tears running
down my face, make-up smeared
& the first thing he says is...
"Who's ass am I kicking now babe?"(Really wish I had one :(

You know you live in 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have AIM/LiveJournal/MySpace.

4. You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the TV.

6. Your evening activity is sitting at the computer.

7. As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.

8. You read this list, and keep nodding and smiling.

9. You think about how stupid you are for reading this.

10. You were too busy to notice number five.

11. You actually scrolled back up to check if there was a number five.

12. And now you're laughing at your stupidity.

13. Put this in your pro if you fell for it. You know you did.

Girls
are like
apples on trees.
The best ones are
at the top of the tree.The
boys don't want to reach
for the good ones because they
are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples
from the ground that aren't as good,
but easy. So the apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just
have to wait for the right boy to
come along, the one who's
brave enough to
climb all
the way
to the top
of the tree.

The ones that are bolded are the ones that pertain to me.

I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.
I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.
I'm a GIRL, so I MUST be WEAK.
I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun.
I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz
I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed.
I live in the COUNTRY, so I MUST live on a farm.
I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat.
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy.
I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.
I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.
I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell.
I'm a CHRISTAN, so I MUST think gay people should go to hell.
I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.
I'm ATHEIST so I MUST hate the world.(I don't know what I believe in. I'm still trying to figure it out.)
I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals
I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.
I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.
I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.
I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.
I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.
I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.
I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore...
I'm a DANCER, So I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore
I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut.
I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo.
I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.

I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.
I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.
I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals
I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a "big one".
I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST!
I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.
I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.
I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.
I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.
I'm INTO THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.
I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be a player.
I have Big BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe.
I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.
I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.
I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and thats how Russians roll.
I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi.
I hang out with GAYS, so i must be GAY TOO
I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.
I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited
I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13
I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy
I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy
I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas
Im a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction
Im a VIRGIN so I MUST be prude
I'm STRAIGHT EDGE so I must be violent.
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly.. or crazy.
I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.
I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat.
I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.
I'm a SKATER so I must do weed and steal stuff
I'm a PUNK so I must only wear black and date only other punks
I'm ASIAN so I must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7
I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals.
I'm MIXED so I must be screwed up.
I'm a FEMALE, so I MUST not SWEAR.
I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist.
I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork.
I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA
I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect
I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black
I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil (So I’ve been told)
I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty.
I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser.
I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.
I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister.
I'm on a DANCE team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob
I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.
I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat.
I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon
I'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hot.
I'm an ASIAN GUY, so I MUST have a small penis.
I'm a GUY CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be gay.
I'm a PREP, so I MUST be rich.
I don't like the SUN so I MUST be an albino.
I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party
.
I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo.
I couldn't hurt a FLY, So I MUST be a pussy.
I support GAY RIGHTS, so I MUST fit in with everyone.
I hang out with teenage drinkers and smokers, so I MUST smoke and drink too.
I have ARTISTIC TALENT, so I MUST think little of those who don't.
I don't like to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social.
I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy.
I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch.
My hair gets GREASY a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills.
I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch.
I'm a NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs.
I read Comics, so I MUST be a loser.
I hang out with a FORMER PROSTITUTE.. So I MUST be a whore myself.
I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse
I’m a GOTH, so I MUST be a Satanist
I’m a CROSSDRESSER, so I must be homosexual.
I draw ANIME so I MUST be a freak.
I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker.
I WATCH PORN so I MUST be perverted.
I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled.
I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak.
I am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant.
I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep
I’m a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo.
I’m CANADIAN, so I MUST talk with a funny accent.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend.
I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers.
I'm DISABLED, so I MUST be on Welfare.
I'm a FEMINIST, so I MUST have a problem with sexuality and I want to castrate every man on the earth.
I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST have a STEREOTYPE.
I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.
I like BLOOD, so I must be a VAMPIRE.(I want to be a doctor. I have to like blood)
I'm an ALBINO, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities and is A MURDERER!
I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth.
I’m WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future.
I don't like YAOI or YURI, so I must be a HOMOPHOBE
I’m not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser
I care about the ENVIRONMENT...I MUST be a tree hugging hippy
I have a FAN CHARACTER, so I MUST be an annoying Mary-sue.
I CHAT, I MUST be having cyber sex.
I'm PAGAN so I MUST sacrifice babies and drink the blood of virgins
I'm PAGAN so I MUST worship Satan
I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against Abortion
I'm SWEDISH so I MUST be a tall blond blue-eyed lesbian.
I'm a LESBIAN so I MUST want to get with every single girl that I see.
I like CARTOONS, so I MUST be IRRESPONSIBLE.
I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER.
I have my OWN spiritual ideology; therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED.
I am WICCAN, so I MUST be a SATANIST.
I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST.
I am a WITCH, so I MUST be and OLD HAG and fly on a broomstick.
I love YAOI, so I MUST be GAY.
I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELED
I DON'T CURSE(that much), so I MUST be an outcast
I wear BLACK nailpolish, so I MUST be EMO, GOTH, or PUNK
I like GAMES, ANIME and COMICS, so I MUST be childish
I'm SWEDISH, therefore I MUST be WHITE.
I SPOT GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard.
I'm GOTHIC, so I MUST be mean.
I’m STRONG so I MUST be stupid.
I'm Australian so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroo’s
I go to RENFAIRES, so I MUST talk weird, be a loser, and not be up with the times
I’m GAY so I’m after EVERY straight guy around.
I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting.
I love marching band, so I MUST be a friendless freak.
I DRINK and SMOKE, so I MUST have no life.
I am friends with a CUTTER, so I MUST be a CUTTER too.
I am an HONOR STUDENT, so I MUST be a NERD.
I cry easily, so I MUST be a wimp.
I can't help pointing out mistakes so I MUST be an over-controlling perfectionist
I'm a PERFECTIONIST so I MUST check everything ten times, them burst into tears at one mistake
I DON"T LIKE to talk about my personal life so I MUST be having problems
I cry when I'm angry, so I MUST be a Pussy.

Stereotypes are WRONG! get it through your head.

Girls Don't realize these things;

I'm sorry
that I bought you roses
to tell you that I like you

I'm sorry
That I was raised with respect
not to sleep with you when you were drunk

I'm sorry
That my body's not ripped enough
to "satisfy" your wants

I'm sorry
that I open your car door,
and pull out your chair like I was raised

I'm sorry
That I'm not cute enough
to be "your guy"

I'm sorry
That I am actually nice;
not a jerk

I'm sorry
I don't have a huge bank account
to buy you expensive things

I'm sorry
I like to spend quality nights at home
cuddling with you, instead of at a club

I'm sorry
I would rather make love to you then just screw you
like some random guy.

I'm sorry
That I am always the one you need to talk to,
but never good enough to date

I'm sorry
That I always held your hair back when you threw up, and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car,
but when we went out you went home with another guy

I'm sorry
That I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere,
but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend

I'm sorry
If I start not being there because it hurts being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new jerk comes around

I'm sorry
If I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work

I'm sorry
that you can't realize.. I've been the one all along.

I'm sorry
If you read this and know somebody like this
but don't care

But most of all

I'm sorry
For not being sorry anymore

I'm sorry
That you can't accept me for who I am

I'm sorry
I can never do anything right, and nothing that I do is good
enough to make it in your world.

I'm sorry
I caught your boyfriend with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for...

I'm sorry
That I told you I loved you and actually meant it.

I'm sorry
That I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving when your boyfriend was threatening you instead of spending time with my family.

I'm Sorry
That I cared

I'm sorry
that I listen to you at night talking about how you wish you could have done something different.

Ladies always complain and gripe to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with assholes who mistreat them. Well ladies, next time you're complaining, maybe look up to see who you're complaining to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?"
Because the person you are usually searching for is right by you.

If you're a guy and you agree with this letter, copy and paste into your profile as 'I'm sorry'

If You're one of the FEW girls with enough BALLS to copy and paste this into your profile, and you would never make your guy feel this way, copy and paste into your profile as 'Girls Don't Realize These Things'

Your One and Only Wish
Do it one by one, don't look ahead!

1. Write the name of a person of the opposite sex.

2. Which is your favorite color out of red, black, blue, green, yellow?

3. Your first initial?

4. Your month of birth?

5. Which color do you like more, black or white?

6. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.

7. Your favorite number?

8. Do you like California or Florida more?

9. Do you like the lake or the ocean more?

10. Write down a wish (a realistic one).

Are you done?

If so, scroll down

(don't cheat--)

THE ANSWERS

1. You are completely in love with this person.

2. If you choose:

Red: You are alert and your life is full of love.

Black: You are conservative and aggressive.

Green: Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.

Blue: You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you

love.

Yellow: You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are

down.

3. If your initial is:

A-K: You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.

L-R: You try to enjoy life to the maximum and your love life is soon to

blossom.

S-Z: You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.

4. If you were born in:

Jan.-Mar.: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you

fall in love with someone totally unexpected.

Apr.-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but

the memories will last forever.

July-Sept.: You will have a great year and will experience a major life

changing experience for the good.

Oct.-Dec.: Your love life will not be too great, but eventually you will find your

soulmate.

5. If you choose...

Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time

but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.

White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do

anything for you, but you may not realize it.

6. This person is your best friend.

7. This is how many close friends you have in a lifetime.

8. If you choose...
California: You like adventure.
Florida: You are a laidback person.

9. If you choose...
Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your love. And you are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.

10. This wish will come true only if you RE-POST THIS BULLETIN in one hour and it will come true before your next birthday

Those were the ones that I got from black wolfgirl2722, here are some jokes that didn't come from her.

Here are some jokes that I thought were HILARIOUS and I just wanted to share them with you guys!

Crowd control

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver, Colorado, for being smart and funny and making her point when confronted with an angry passenger. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F-- you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

Bad days

Sometimes, it seems like some people are just plain doomed. If you don't believe it, consider these weird deaths:

A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.

Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.

Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused
Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.

George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.

Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribollasatin his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not
to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.

In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.

A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.

Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.

Only in America

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Measuring the cold

Temperature in Fahrenheit:

60 Californians put on sweaters.

50 Miami residents turn on the heat.

45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.

40 You can see your breath.
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Minnesotans go swimming.

35 Italians cars dont start.

32 Water freezes.

30 You plan your vacation in Australia.

25 Ohio water freezes.
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream.
Canadians go swimming.

20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.
New York City water freezes.
Miami residents plan vacation further south.

15 French cars don't start.
Cat insists on sleeping with you.

10 You need jumper cables to get the car going.

5 American cars don't start.

0 Alaskans put on T-shirts.

-10 German cars don't start.
Eyes freeze shut when you blink.

-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
Arkansans stick tongues on metal objects.
Miami residents cease to exist.

-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you.
Politicians actually do something about the homeless.
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.
Japanese cars don't start.

-25 Too cold to think.
You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
Wisconsin-Eau Claire students walk rapidly across the footbridge.

-30 You plan a two week hot bath.
Swedish cars don't start.

-40 Californians disappear.
Minnesotans button top button.
Canadians put on sweater.
Your car helps you plan your trip south.

-50 Congressional hot air freezes.
Alaskans close the bathroom window.

-80 Hell freezes over.
Polar bears move south.
Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.

-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

-100 Canadian buildings turn off air conditioning.

Half sister

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid!

He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister." "Hehehe," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

Drunk sermon

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the big T!
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say ,"Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the cherry."
The recommended grace before a meal is not:"Rub-Adub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

The bus

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The main replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said "The Gold Dust Twins are coming," and I had to smile.

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin.

"Then she placed herself under a sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.

"BUT...when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident," I laughed out loud."

(Okay I don't want anyone to get offended but I thought that this joke was absolutly hilarious. Also if you are offended tell me and I'll take it down.)

Appearances

One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.

When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."

She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."

The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."

She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."

Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!"

The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."

The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.

The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"

He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!"

The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party!"

URGENT PLEASE READ THIS!

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I did not have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.
I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male.

Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong. Please do your part to end it

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Training by jadiemill17 reviews
Schulyer and Jack have broken up and Schulyer is called upon to learn to fight. But Jack isnt to thrilled when he finds out what exactly is expected of her from her new mentor. And soulmate?.....
Blue Bloods - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 21 - Words: 26,457 - Reviews: 299 - Favs: 158 - Follows: 143 - Updated: 2/17/2014 - Published: 3/6/2009
The Professors Pet by imslytherinatheart reviews
Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy, both professors at Hogwarts share a common interest in a student. The student? Why Hermione Granger of course. SS/HG/LM.. don't like, don't read. Rated M for later chapters. HP/DM also
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 20 - Words: 26,075 - Reviews: 610 - Favs: 464 - Follows: 619 - Updated: 10/12/2013 - Published: 3/11/2008 - Hermione G., Severus S.
You Will be Mine by Jenalise reviews
Draco is a vampire, wants Hermione
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 58 - Words: 134,960 - Reviews: 955 - Favs: 629 - Follows: 647 - Updated: 1/12/2013 - Published: 5/18/2008 - Draco M., Hermione G.
The Dark Whisper Continued by In Treatment for OCD reviews
Alice tries to save Bella from a dark world of promiscuity, but things go astray! Dominant Carlisle & Jasper! Multiple Lemons! Adopted/Continued w/Permission. AH/AU, Completely OOC. Graphic Slash, Unusual Kink, Anything Goes! Rated M for a Reason! D/s.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Fantasy/Romance - Chapters: 26 - Words: 83,745 - Reviews: 936 - Favs: 614 - Follows: 666 - Updated: 3/29/2012 - Published: 6/30/2009 - Alice, Bella
You Picked Me by GiggleGirl89 reviews
Snippet:“Hmm. Tell me Granger, do you find me scary?” He asked in a very charming voice. Hermione was confused. “No. Should I?” “Yes. You should be worried, scared and absolutely hysterical." Seventh Year Heads, DM/HG
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 13 - Words: 42,276 - Reviews: 252 - Favs: 140 - Follows: 245 - Updated: 2/2/2011 - Published: 9/12/2008 - Draco M., Hermione G.
Aberrant by Readalot999 reviews
The secret Dimitri's been keeping blows up in his face and Carpathian rules are being broken. Final chapter up! Apologies- hadn't noticed that some formatting and paragraph breaks had gone missing- that's been corrected now
Carpathian Series - Rated: T - English - Supernatural - Chapters: 36 - Words: 71,971 - Reviews: 165 - Favs: 42 - Follows: 37 - Updated: 12/25/2010 - Published: 5/18/2009 - Complete
His by Klbblk reviews
He wanted her and he would have her.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 26 - Words: 69,962 - Reviews: 95 - Favs: 253 - Follows: 83 - Updated: 8/4/2010 - Published: 8/1/2010 - Hermione G., Voldemort - Complete
Behind Closed Doors & Windows by black wolfgirl2722 reviews
Draco and Hermione have started a bet, one that Hermione is perplexed on how to win. . . . Excerpt: "What's the catch?" He smirked, bending down to whisper in my ear. "Wouldn't you like to know, Granger." DMHG. Heads! Dedicated to BFF; Miranda. R&R
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 8 - Words: 9,459 - Reviews: 38 - Favs: 24 - Follows: 34 - Updated: 6/20/2010 - Published: 12/14/2008 - Draco M., Hermione G.
Pickles by I Brake For Bishounen Boys reviews
Jacob gets Edward pregnant. Bella gets annoyed. Jacob and Edward frankly don't care. Carlisle realizes that eternal adolescents are probably the scariest beings this side of the Milky Way. Mpreg, Jacob/Edward, Neglected!Bella, Ukeified!Edward. Bite me.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 17 - Words: 17,244 - Reviews: 526 - Favs: 300 - Follows: 174 - Updated: 12/18/2009 - Published: 10/8/2008 - Edward, Jacob - Complete
The Mudblood Exchange by imslytherinatheart reviews
Hogwarts is offering an extra credit program for muggleborns to spend the summer with half or pure blood families. Hermione signs up of course, but wasn't expecting to spend it with a family of slytherins. DM/HG. OOC warning.Now being Beta'd by Fearlover
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 33 - Words: 47,504 - Reviews: 1482 - Favs: 725 - Follows: 832 - Updated: 10/27/2009 - Published: 1/14/2008 - Draco M., Hermione G.
Their Phoenix by Lomonaaeren reviews
SSHPDM slash. AU from chapter 32 of DH. Harry saves both Snape and Draco in the Shrieking Shack, and bonds them to him, accidentally. He's determined to ignore it. Circumstances may not let him. COMPLETE.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 34 - Words: 254,588 - Reviews: 1668 - Favs: 1,949 - Follows: 786 - Updated: 9/4/2009 - Published: 5/10/2009 - Draco M., Harry P. - Complete
Expecting the Unexpecting by Nemesis Zaccarrio reviews
The Ministry of Magic forces eligible witches and wizards to marry their “ideal” match, Hermione Granger finds her world turned upside down, especially when she is marrying the most pompous, self centered man in the Wizarding World: Draco Malfoy. DM/HG
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 9 - Words: 30,144 - Reviews: 203 - Favs: 205 - Follows: 318 - Updated: 8/10/2009 - Published: 3/1/2009 - Draco M., Hermione G.
Mate for Life by Gwen Talon reviews
What happens when Hermione saves the life of a werewolf? She gets kidnapped to be his mate! not DH compliant HG/DM lemons in later chapters! OOC
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 23 - Words: 32,751 - Reviews: 414 - Favs: 765 - Follows: 320 - Updated: 7/25/2009 - Published: 5/27/2008 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
The Contract by Lady Miya reviews
Greetings Wife; Imagine my surprise when I found out I was married. I am convinced you all have some clever plan behind it. However, make no mistake, I will not let myself be played. - Voldemort. Rated M for a reason. Read warnings.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 33 - Words: 151,802 - Reviews: 692 - Favs: 908 - Follows: 318 - Updated: 3/24/2009 - Published: 9/19/2008 - Hermione G., Voldemort - Complete
Enchantingly Georgous by PretendTheWorldHasEnded reviews
BellaWorksForTheForeignGovernment,She'sBeenPushedToKillTheCullen'sOnlyThatTurnsOutToBeAProblemOnceSheMeetsEdwardCullen.ButTheCullen'sAreWeirdAndNotCompletelyHuman...WhatHappensWhenSheFindsOutWhatTheyReallyAre?CanSHeStandToLoveAVampire?OrWillLoyaltyWin?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 2 - Words: 3,038 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 1/21/2009 - Published: 1/19/2009 - Edward, Bella
A Second Chance by sleepyseven reviews
The Sequel to 'James Returns'. Bella is trying to deal with her feelings for James but something is telling her it's not over. Edward is having a hard time adjusting to the new Bella. Rating for all kinds of naughtiness and language. Please R&R!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 35 - Words: 50,398 - Reviews: 573 - Favs: 309 - Follows: 90 - Updated: 11/19/2008 - Published: 11/4/2008 - Bella, James - Complete
James Returns by sleepyseven reviews
James was able to escape from Edward in the ballet studio and has returned for Bella. While being held captive Bella forms a unexpected relationship with James. Rating for violence, lemons, and rape. Read at your own risk. If you do please review!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 11 - Words: 14,689 - Reviews: 217 - Favs: 343 - Follows: 81 - Updated: 11/4/2008 - Published: 11/2/2008 - Bella, James - Complete
The Switch by Lynn8687 reviews
A marriage law in the wizarding world as been passed. All muggle-born wizard and witches must intermarry with pure-blood wizard and witches in order to live in the wizarding world.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 4 - Words: 7,622 - Reviews: 47 - Favs: 56 - Follows: 102 - Updated: 9/8/2008 - Published: 6/26/2008 - Albus D., Hermione G.
Filthy Little Mudblood by Lupinswolfie reviews
Hermione was taken by Death Eaters and given to Lucius as a slave. What will become of her as she dabbles in the dark arts and Lord Voldemort as well? Will she save the world? Will she even want to? HermioneLucius and HermioneTom
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Suspense/Angst - Chapters: 28 - Words: 111,108 - Reviews: 465 - Favs: 574 - Follows: 215 - Updated: 5/21/2008 - Published: 9/28/2007 - Hermione G., Lucius M. - Complete
Dark love by imslytherinatheart reviews
Hermione is taken by death eaters and given to Voldemort, who instead of killing her, see's something in her that intrigues him, allowing her to live and possibly become more to him whether she likes it or not. TR/HG, M for later chapters. OOC
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 20 - Words: 22,938 - Reviews: 563 - Favs: 815 - Follows: 223 - Updated: 5/12/2008 - Published: 2/27/2008 - Hermione G., Tom R. Jr. - Complete
Darkest Desires by Lupinswolfie reviews
Moony growled suddenly. 'This is my only warning, mate. I will have you, whether the human likes it or not. You will give in to me because we are destined to be together and you’ll find you can’t deny me.' COMPLETE!
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 10 - Words: 41,087 - Reviews: 340 - Favs: 1,335 - Follows: 217 - Updated: 3/23/2008 - Published: 1/3/2008 - Hermione G., Remus L. - Complete
Dangerous Games by Lunalelle reviews
COMPLETE! An analogy between JekyllHyde and Tom RiddleVoldemort for the intellectually inclined. Hermione has an accident, the Time Turner is destroyed, and she's stuck in 1943. She meets young Tom Riddle in his seventh year, Head Boy, and in his prime.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Horror/Romance - Chapters: 9 - Words: 42,320 - Reviews: 224 - Favs: 653 - Follows: 100 - Published: 9/30/2004 - Hermione G., Voldemort - Complete
HARRY POTTER & THE PROPHECY OF VOLDEMORT by Fnxmoon reviews
COMPLETE Please R & R! NO KIDS ALLOWED! A prophecy is about to come true. Harry & Hermoine are together, but will Voldemort tear them apart? WARNING:Rape, torture, & violence.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Horror/Romance - Chapters: 18 - Words: 45,129 - Reviews: 264 - Favs: 226 - Follows: 44 - Updated: 10/14/2002 - Published: 9/14/2002 - Voldemort, Hermione G. - Complete
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