The Prophet of July
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Joined 09-25-08, id: 1701708, Profile Updated: 07-17-12
Author has written 10 stories for Twilight, Misc. Books, Harry Potter, Dracula, Les Misérables, and Teen Wolf.


Some argon walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't server noble gasses here." The argon doesn't react.

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

When I am at Hogwarts I will not: Ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling

When I am at Hogwarts I will not: sing "I'm Off to See the Wizard" when sent to the Headmasters office.

When I am at Hogwarts I will not: Accidentally fall in love with Draco Malfoy. It will be entirely on purpose.

I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.

Officer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!

Life was so simple when boys had cooties.

I ran with scissors and lived!

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

I'm the kind of person who will burst out laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

I'm a repetitive person, get used to it. I'm a repetitive person, get used to it.

It was all fun and games until someone got knocked up. Then it was fucking hilarious.

I don't obsess! I think intensely.

Cooties still exist. They're just called STD's now.

I often get distracted by OOH LOOK A NARWHAL!

All the good ones are either gay, married, or an Avenger.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time- I think I've forgotten this before.

There are three kinds of people in the world: ones who can count and ones who can't.

I have more fictional boyfriends than you do! Haha! Beat that!

I'm right 90 percent of the time, so why worry about the other 3?

I only have PMS on days that end in the letter "y".

Did you know that over 67 percent of statistics are made up on the spot?

Doctors say I have multiple personalities. We disagree with that.

25 percent of human genes are the same as those of a banana. Get over yourself.

When life gives you lemons, make apple juice, then laugh while people try to figure out what the hell you did.

When life gives you lemons, throw them at the people you hate.

What if the hokey pokey is what it's all about?


It doesn't matter whether the glass is half empty or half full, just drink it and get it over with.

Duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

Education is important. School however, is another matter.

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them more.

Don’t mess with me, I've got a stick.

Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.

I own a horse.

Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to fall down the stairs.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

Who is this "she" and how does everyone know what she said?

Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

I lost the game.

Whoever said that nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.

I do not suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Two dead boys

One bright day in the middle of the night,

Two dead boys got up to fight.

Back to back they faced each other,

Drew their swords and shot each other.

A deaf policeman heard the noise

And ran to save the two dead boys.

And if you don’t believe it’s true,

Go ask the blind man, he saw it too.

For those few of you out there reading my stories, I'm sorry for not updating very often. If you have any ideas, feel free to message me, or if you don't have an account, just review any story and talk to me there. Also, my Twilight stories have been discontinued. If you'd like to adopt one (or more)of them, message me and we'll work something out. Thanks!

Also, feel free to check me out on fictionpress. My name is The Reluctant Prophet.

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Attack of the Minivengers by loki-dokey reviews
That awkward moment when Loki accidentally turns The Avengers and himself - but not Tony - into a four-year-old version of themselves, and is the only one of the children who is actually able to keep his adult brain. The others? …Not so much.
Avengers - Rated: T - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 32 - Words: 69,891 - Reviews: 2227 - Favs: 1,569 - Follows: 1,677 - Updated: 2/6/2013 - Published: 5/23/2012 - Iron Man/Tony S., Loki
Funny That Way by LuvaGoodMrE reviews
Tony Stark had long ago accepted that his life was weird. Charmed and amazing – often terrifying – but weird. Still, this took the cake. It's not every day that he loaned out a guest room to a funny girl who got herself knocked up by the God of Mischief.
Thor - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 35 - Words: 135,974 - Reviews: 2164 - Favs: 4,369 - Follows: 1,723 - Updated: 5/4/2012 - Published: 11/6/2011 - Loki, Darcy L. - Complete
They Say Fortune is a Wheel by LuvaGoodMrE reviews
AU. Seriously, AU. Loki is a gentleman – well, most of the time. Darcy is a hot mess. Somehow, they make it work. A quasi-love story about scones, chemistry and pencil skirts. But mostly scones.
Thor - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 22 - Words: 39,276 - Reviews: 665 - Favs: 1,880 - Follows: 377 - Updated: 11/6/2011 - Published: 10/11/2011 - Loki, Darcy L. - Complete
We Lie Awake and We Dream of Making by singyourmelody reviews
Chloe and Alek, a little in the future. "It's simple, right? A yes or no sort of question with a yes or no answer. Simple. No, she knows what this is. This is what they do. This is him, calling her out."
Nine Lives of Chloe King - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,339 - Reviews: 27 - Favs: 78 - Follows: 17 - Published: 8/7/2011 - Chloe K., Alek - Complete
Forcibly Yours by sarahmariehudak reviews
Charlie Swan, an old family friend, passes away and Carlisle arranges a marriage for Edward and Bella, Charlie's dying wish. Their personalities immediately clash, but will they come together when she finds out his secret?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 3 - Words: 5,363 - Reviews: 232 - Favs: 156 - Follows: 260 - Updated: 7/30/2009 - Published: 8/8/2008 - Edward, Bella
Stay With Me by Arastas reviews
Never before had any of his prey captivated him the way she did. James/Alice, formerly a oneshot.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Suspense - Chapters: 5 - Words: 4,692 - Reviews: 24 - Favs: 18 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 7/21/2009 - Published: 12/14/2008 - James, Alice - Complete
Bad Fanfiction by yayme2012 reviews
Funny fanfic telling what you SHOULDN'T do in Twilight fanfiction... Includes JacobXBella, EmmettXBella, and my personal fave: BananasXBella! New chapters include The Movie, Yum Lemons, and 2008. Curing Twilight fanfiction, one parody at a time.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 66 - Words: 51,675 - Reviews: 2808 - Favs: 569 - Follows: 334 - Updated: 3/2/2009 - Published: 11/14/2007 - Elizabeth, Aro
Purposes and Wishes by Arastas reviews
Great minds have purposes, others have wishes. Short oneshot drabble.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 453 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 3 - Published: 11/11/2008 - Bella - Complete
A World Without Sound by The Romanticidal Edwardian reviews
AU, BxE. My name is Bella Swan; good at sign language and karate. My best friend is deaf, and you know what? It doesn't matter. Won twice at Twilight Awards, and has been nominated more. Please review!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 22 - Words: 105,849 - Reviews: 7773 - Favs: 9,385 - Follows: 2,667 - Updated: 9/27/2008 - Published: 6/1/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Things Overheard reviews
Derek lies awake at night, unable to sleep, and forced to listen to a pair of lovers in the other room. Explicit. Isaac/Allison
Teen Wolf - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 423 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 3 - Published: 12/29/2013 - Allison A., Derek H., Isaac
Then Make No Sound reviews
The five times in Cosette's life when Marius' name was the most important word she knew. Rather fluffy, not the type of thing I typically write these days, but please enjoy.
Les Misérables - Rated: K - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,203 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 3 - Published: 3/5/2013 - Cosette, Marius Pontmercy - Complete
Giving a Voice to Evil reviews
A journal entry from the perspective of Dracula himself. Set somewhere in the middle of the book, shortly after he attacks Mina. Reviews are much appreciated.
Dracula - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 247 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 2 - Published: 5/16/2011 - Dracula - Complete
Love, Insideout reviews
A collection of DracoxHermione oneshots, pulled from the recesses of my brain. Mostly fluff, but maybe with something more interesting should I work up the courage to write it. Rated M for what might eventually be posted. New title ideas welcome.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 847 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 1 - Published: 1/2/2010 - Hermione G., Draco M.
Unlovable reviews
This is a Wildwood Dancing fic, but there was no category for it, so I deemed it miscellaneous. It's from Jena's POV. A poem. Further summary inside.
Misc. Books - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 160 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 1 - Published: 4/25/2009 - Complete
What's on the Inside reviews
DISCONTINUED A collection of untitled Twilight poems from the POV's of many characters. Before, during, and after the series
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 5 - Words: 624 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 1/25/2009 - Published: 12/28/2008
The Adventures of Emo Weresquirrel reviews
DISCONTINUED Renesmee and Jacob have a son with a mysteriuos vampire power when Tanya accidentally changes him. A parody, written with Arastas. Read, Enjoy and for the love of all that is holy and Vampiric, REVIEW!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,338 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 2 - Updated: 11/24/2008 - Published: 10/12/2008
We the Forksians reviews
DISCONTINUED Renesmee and Jacob are best friends, but Jacob is keeping a secret. Will it tear them apart, or bring them closer together? what if the secret endangers both of their lives? Will they survive? Will their friendship survive? AU
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,142 - Reviews: 3 - Follows: 1 - Published: 11/23/2008 - Renesmee C./Nessie, Jacob
As All Good Bedtime Stories Start reviews
DISCONTINUED Renesmee and Jacob have a son with a mission to fall in love. Will he find the person who he wants to spend forever with, or will he be alone? NOT A ONESHOT! Please review! Rated T because I don't know what's going to happen at the end.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,613 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 10/12/2008 - Published: 10/6/2008
If it Keeps the Nightmares Away reviews
In her dreams, Bella goes anywhere, and James follows. He knows exactly what to do to scare her out of her mind, and back to Edward, who will always be there to make it better. Fluffy, ExB, oneshot, please review!
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 619 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 1 - Published: 9/28/2008 - Bella, Edward