Joba Rules
hide bio
PM . Follow . Favorite
Joined 09-30-08, id: 1703694, Profile Updated: 08-28-09

Me? Thirty-something stay-at-home mom to two rambunctious boys. Just trying to make it one day at a time, usually with copious amounts of alcohol.

I am hopelessly in love with both Rob Pattinson and Edward Cullen. Rob is charming, funny, self-deprecating, very talented and wickedly hot. Edward is brilliant, sensitive, romantic, polite and wickedly hot. Robward is the culmination of all of the above and more. It's this whole Venn Diagram of Sex...

I turned to fanfiction, like most I suppose, to fill in the blanks that SMeyer left. At the time, Breaking Dawn was still months away, and I wanted to read more about what was next for Bella and Edward. Then after I read the complete disappointment that was Breaking Dawn, I really delved into fanfiction to both rid myself of the bad taste and to find better alternatives. From there it was a slippery slope into all-human and everything else from there.

I like to pretend the whole pregnancy storyline never happened. Do Not Want Renesmee in any incarnation. I won't read fics about her, and God, No! if it's Nessie/Jacob. :shudder:

I usually will only read canon pairings. Will make an occasional exception, usually if it is in service of getting B & E together. Anything else seriously squicks me out. I recognize that a growing portion of the ficdom is heading toward slash -- particularly Edward/Jasper -- and, while I have no problems with slash or homosexuality, it's just not My Edward. Enjoy, God bless, just don't send me the links. :-)

Yes, those are all quite the uppity opinions for someone who hasn't even written her own fic. I may eventually succumb to the pressure or if I ever get a creative nugget to chew on. But for the meantime, I enjoy reading lots of your wonderful stories, and I will hopefully leave you a decent review here and there.

Oh, and I'm also a lifelong Yankees fan, and the username refers to Joba Chamberlain, Yankees pitcher who does, indeed, rule.

Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Illegal Contact by Jen733 reviews
Edward Masen is a 29 year old former NFL football player, now coaching high school football in Forks. He leads a quiet life until he meets a woman that will change his life forever. What's been missing from his life may be right in front of him. AH
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 16 - Words: 79,822 - Reviews: 13386 - Favs: 7,493 - Follows: 4,468 - Updated: 2/23 - Published: 8/1/2009 - Bella, Edward
An Introduction to Swirl and Daisy by m81170 reviews
A first kiss, a first dance, a first curse word shared between best friends. This is the tale of a boring, young geek and the social pariah who thought the world of him. A tale of growing up. A tale of a Non-Romantic Romance.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 39 - Words: 212,915 - Reviews: 14752 - Favs: 7,392 - Follows: 7,023 - Updated: 1/4 - Published: 1/4/2010 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Artful Maneuvers by planetblue reviews
I needed to figure out who Edward Cullen was before he figured out me.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 21 - Words: 85,825 - Reviews: 6253 - Favs: 2,392 - Follows: 2,168 - Updated: 11/21/2014 - Published: 9/15/2014 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Wish Upon a Star by kr2009 reviews
Disney World isn't Edward's version of an ideal vacation, but can a brown-eyed princess change his mind and make his dreams come true? Sometimes you can't escape the magic. Entry for the TFLN contest.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 9,550 - Reviews: 41 - Favs: 150 - Follows: 151 - Published: 10/3/2014 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Warmth by KatieBelleCullen reviews
The missing pieces of Bella and Edward's honeymoon. Please be warned, this story is lemony sweet!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 21 - Words: 106,286 - Reviews: 1611 - Favs: 2,915 - Follows: 1,329 - Updated: 4/28/2014 - Published: 8/9/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Blurred Lines by SparklyLadies reviews
Our entry for the 2013 Dirty Talkin Edward Twific Contest. Top 5 in the Public Vote
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 14,447 - Reviews: 39 - Favs: 155 - Follows: 153 - Published: 8/29/2013 - Bella, Edward
Channel Five by Dirty Talkin' Edward contest reviews
A private plane. A velvet voice. A seduction miles above ground. Contest entry for the Dirty Talkin' Edward Contest.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 14,216 - Reviews: 224 - Favs: 456 - Follows: 206 - Published: 8/8/2013 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Blurred Lines by Dirty Talkin' Edward contest reviews
Edward Cullen: secret phone sex operator, dirty talking pro and hopelessly in love with his best friend. When a familiar voice calls in, will the lines between friendship, love, and lust become blurred? An entry for the Dirty Talking Edward Twific Contest
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 14,356 - Reviews: 153 - Favs: 371 - Follows: 168 - Published: 7/24/2013 - Bella, Edward - Complete
First & Ten by Nolebucgrl reviews
Bella Swan is an aspiring sports writer and her first big assignment is to interview the league's biggest, not to mention hottest, quarterback. Will Edward Cullen school her in the rules of the game or will she teach him a thing or two? Rated M.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 55 - Words: 375,555 - Reviews: 14896 - Favs: 9,361 - Follows: 5,327 - Updated: 3/30/2013 - Published: 4/6/2010 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Comp Sem 101 by bornonhalloween reviews
What happens when a scholarship athlete and an English major from opposite coasts meet in a freshman writing seminar? Will they be drawn together or forced apart by their weekly discoveries of themselves and each other? All human college coeds!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 23 - Words: 224,256 - Reviews: 2020 - Favs: 1,768 - Follows: 923 - Updated: 8/17/2012 - Published: 5/31/2011 - Edward, Bella - Complete
The Best I Ever Had by WhatsMyNomDePlume reviews
Sex between friends complicates everything. Bella knows this. But she has no idea how much more Edward is going to complicate things.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 14 - Words: 64,919 - Reviews: 7410 - Favs: 10,247 - Follows: 5,759 - Updated: 6/25/2012 - Published: 2/17/2011 - Edward, Bella - Complete
The Ties That Bind by NicoleTwilight reviews
Edward's POV of Bella's pregnancy, burning and awakening in Breaking Dawn. Covers all the missing moments with Edward, Bella and the Cullens, and what they went through. See what happened after Bella ran into Rosalie's arms at the airport...
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 30 - Words: 201,126 - Reviews: 1117 - Favs: 1,055 - Follows: 571 - Updated: 10/29/2011 - Published: 5/7/2009 - Bella - Complete
RPGs by Twilightzoner reviews
The continuation of Midnight Desire and ExB's, er, growth and explorations. The monster comes along on the journey, too! Mature Audiences Only.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 5 - Words: 23,513 - Reviews: 502 - Favs: 949 - Follows: 1,124 - Updated: 1/30/2011 - Published: 2/28/2010 - Edward, Bella
Holding Out For You by ObsessingOverEdward reviews
After her divorce, Bella starts a new life with her son. She soon meets a handsome doctor, who is dealing with his own loss and is struggling to raise his two kids. It's a story of finding strength during adversity and learning to love again
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Family - Chapters: 2 - Words: 4,793 - Reviews: 18537 - Favs: 7,742 - Follows: 3,718 - Updated: 11/16/2010 - Published: 11/20/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
I Don't Believe in Vampires by lazykate reviews
"It was always you..." During a chance return to Forks, Bella Swan runs into her high school crush, only to discover that things were never as they appeared. What has Edward been waiting for all this time? A very-canon twist on Twilight, AU, ExB.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 27 - Words: 215,322 - Reviews: 2261 - Favs: 2,443 - Follows: 1,242 - Updated: 9/19/2010 - Published: 10/23/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Three of a Kind by LostDownTheRabbitHole reviews
B/Em/E have been friends forever. Now 21, Bella hasn't seen the guys since they all left for college. Bella is convinced before summer school starts to take a week long vacation with her two favorite boys. 2 horny guys, 1 Bella? FOLLOWUP NOW POSTED!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 2 - Words: 13,651 - Reviews: 216 - Favs: 1,057 - Follows: 506 - Updated: 8/16/2010 - Published: 10/17/2008 - Bella, Edward
Midnight Desire by Twilightzoner reviews
An All Human parody of Midnight Sun. AH, AU and consequently OOC. No blood lust - just uncontrollable human lust. Smut filled fun . . .
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Parody/Romance - Chapters: 26 - Words: 89,654 - Reviews: 5363 - Favs: 6,880 - Follows: 3,329 - Updated: 7/1/2010 - Published: 7/13/2008 - Edward, Bella - Complete
Stealing Home by Nolebucgrl reviews
Edward Cullen is hot shot baseball player in a bit of a slump. Bella Swan is the girl that he couldn't have long ago and now she's his new owner and he can't have her again. Will he walk away or swing for the fences?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 20,278 - Reviews: 296 - Favs: 856 - Follows: 516 - Updated: 6/22/2010 - Published: 6/7/2010 - Edward, Bella - Complete
The List by LauraACullen reviews
Four weeks before her wedding to Edward, Bella is frustrated. She knows there's little-to-no chance of getting him to bend his rules and boundaries now, but there's no harm in fantasizing about what could happen later. So she begins compiling a list...
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Fantasy - Chapters: 28 - Words: 195,361 - Reviews: 2900 - Favs: 5,166 - Follows: 1,880 - Updated: 3/18/2010 - Published: 3/19/2009 - Edward, Bella - Complete
An Unfortunate Look Into Bella's Lovesick Psyche by petitebelette reviews
Bella is new in Forks, and she's already crushing on Edward Cullen. Edward Cullen, a misunderstood poet, is totally crushing on Bella Swan, but he has a few secrets-including a rep as a dangerous bad boy and the town pariah. AU/AH, adult themes, language
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 23 - Words: 59,108 - Reviews: 1805 - Favs: 2,773 - Follows: 946 - Updated: 1/25/2010 - Published: 1/14/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Edward's Eclipse by vixen1836 reviews
For True Edward Fans. An in-depth, accurate portrayal of the heart, mind, and soul of the beloved Edward Cullen as he deals with the complex themes and events taking place during Eclipse. RATED T FOR INTIMACY THEMES/LANGUAGE. CANON. EPOV.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 10 - Words: 67,782 - Reviews: 436 - Favs: 955 - Follows: 494 - Updated: 11/16/2009 - Published: 8/15/2008 - Edward, Bella
Resident Advisor by hammondgirl reviews
Bella works as a Resident Advisor at Seattle U. She meets Edward Cullen during a Halloween party & learns that he lives on her floor. She finds herself falling in love with him throughout the semester, but what could he possibly see in her? BxE, AH
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 12 - Words: 49,181 - Reviews: 955 - Favs: 704 - Follows: 1,076 - Updated: 9/25/2009 - Published: 12/6/2008 - Bella, Edward
The Acclimation Diaries by booboo.kitty2.0 reviews
All told from EPOV, The Acclimation Diaries chronicles Edward’s struggles with learning control & taking things 1 step at a time as he acclimates to Bella sexually in prep of their impending wedding night. Can he keep his desire in check or will his snap?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 21 - Words: 88,700 - Reviews: 1139 - Favs: 1,421 - Follows: 580 - Updated: 9/18/2009 - Published: 3/20/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Christmas With the Cullens by BlueIsSoul reviews
Ever since she can remember, Bella Swan has spent her Christmas with the Cullens. This Christmas its time to sort out those Edward related "complications". But what happens when Edward has a new introduction to make? Rating: Mature Pairing: EB, AH
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 17 - Words: 64,691 - Reviews: 1524 - Favs: 1,858 - Follows: 1,006 - Updated: 8/23/2009 - Published: 12/4/2008 - Edward, Bella - Complete
Promises, Promises by NyteRock reviews
Edward needs to unwind after a difficult mission overseas and Bella's just the girl to help him. AU/AH Lemony one-shot. My entry for the DTE contest
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 7,091 - Reviews: 280 - Favs: 565 - Follows: 289 - Updated: 7/26/2009 - Published: 10/24/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Collision of Worlds by The Romanticidal Edwardian reviews
Full story of The Alone and the Lonely! Bella Swan is surprised when lonely actor Edward Masen steps on her hand in a book store; she's even more surprised when he sits down next to her. Before to after the one-shot. Lemons. And plot. Sometimes. On hiatus
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 8 - Words: 47,664 - Reviews: 1024 - Favs: 930 - Follows: 1,137 - Updated: 7/21/2009 - Published: 10/7/2008 - Edward, Bella
DID by dollegirl reviews
What happens when Bella saves Edward from the clutches of a skank in a coffee shop? He wants her to be his girlfriend of course! The problem is, they only just met. Will she say yes?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 10 - Words: 51,392 - Reviews: 2535 - Favs: 2,638 - Follows: 2,995 - Updated: 7/7/2009 - Published: 9/20/2008 - Edward, Bella
Bella Swan: Kidnapper by Kambria Rain reviews
Um. Hi. I don’t really know how to say this, but I have your kids with me, and I was thinking maybe you would like them back. So yeah… call me.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 23 - Words: 74,736 - Reviews: 8718 - Favs: 14,236 - Follows: 2,958 - Updated: 6/27/2009 - Published: 5/15/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
One Week by Jen2112 reviews
Edward and Bella are alone for one week. Edward wants to push the physical boundaries, can he do it without losing control and killing her?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 9 - Words: 19,300 - Reviews: 241 - Favs: 249 - Follows: 236 - Updated: 6/11/2009 - Published: 3/4/2009 - Bella, Edward
Snapshots of Desire by Isabel0329 reviews
Quick snippets of Edward and Bella's love affair and their exploits in bed. Chapters are not related to each other. AU, All-Human. Definitely OOC. Rated M for sex and language.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 4,401 - Reviews: 121 - Favs: 207 - Follows: 288 - Updated: 5/25/2009 - Published: 9/19/2008 - Bella, Edward
Making Love Out Of Nothing At All by ashel-13 reviews
Edward thought of Bella as just a friend, but Bella always felt more.That was 3 years ago and now she's ready to make Edward Cullen fall in love with her and make this the best summer of her life. All Human OOC Lemons Gall-lore! WARNING: NC-17
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 77 - Words: 291,632 - Reviews: 11625 - Favs: 8,536 - Follows: 2,573 - Updated: 5/22/2009 - Published: 2/8/2008 - Edward, Bella - Complete
Seduction by blondie AKA robin reviews
Bella was intent on seducing Edward, but somehow he managed to get a ring on her finger. His side of the story may surprise you - or maybe it won't! Chapter 20 "Compromise" of eclipse from EPOV.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 10,917 - Reviews: 165 - Favs: 463 - Follows: 94 - Published: 5/20/2009 - Edward, Bella
The Red Line by WinndSinger reviews
Edward is an exotic male dancer. Bella is a college student studying psychology and needs a subject to do her thesis on. Bella pays Edward to belong to her for 2 weeks so she can study him. Things soon get very interesting between them.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 40 - Words: 351,671 - Reviews: 19460 - Favs: 12,217 - Follows: 5,587 - Updated: 5/1/2009 - Published: 1/26/2009 - Edward, Bella
The Thirst for Midnight Sun by I'm.Forbidden.Fruit reviews
Did Stephenie Meyer’s partial draft leave you as unsatisfied as me? If so, feel free to check out my version of Midnight Sun, starting at Chapter 13.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Fantasy - Chapters: 14 - Words: 39,472 - Reviews: 2348 - Favs: 848 - Follows: 653 - Updated: 1/22/2009 - Published: 9/1/2008 - Edward, Bella
Candy Hearts by jstarrh reviews
A one shot that explores Edward and Bella's tradition of using candy hearts on Valentine's Day. AH.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,844 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 66 - Follows: 13 - Published: 1/22/2009 - Edward, Bella - Complete
Mind over Matter, EPOV by Whispered.Caress reviews
This is chapter 14 of "Twilight", only in Edward's point of view. Imaginative title, I know. But please be nice on me, cause i'm only 15 and this is my first Twilight fanfiction :S
Twilight - Rated: K - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 12,434 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 47 - Follows: 8 - Published: 1/9/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
A Very Cullen Christmas by jandco reviews
Come, little elf. Join jandco and withthevampsofcourse as they present to you the winners of their Christmas Collaboration Contest. Rated M for gratuitous use of candy canes and Santa Claus fetishes.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 7 - Words: 53,798 - Reviews: 208 - Favs: 198 - Follows: 111 - Updated: 12/26/2008 - Published: 12/21/2008
Follow Me by the-glory-days reviews
A set of instructions, tasks to complete. A final destination, and a Christmas treat. Written for jandco and withthevampsofcourse’s “A Very Cullen Christmas” contest. Co-written with cevuplay. All-Human, Edward/Bella, One Shot Complete.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 1 - Words: 12,205 - Reviews: 109 - Favs: 334 - Follows: 53 - Published: 12/7/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Pomme De Sang by Aspirenauthoress reviews
A more grown up Breaking Dawn. Bella and Edward become closer as the wedding nears. When she's finally changed she gains a power that helps her feed. Mixing themes from the Hamilton Vampire series. Not a crossover, AU. Very Mature, be warned!
Crossover - Twilight & Vampires - Rated: M - English - Romance/Supernatural - Chapters: 27 - Words: 124,109 - Reviews: 1555 - Favs: 1,121 - Follows: 982 - Updated: 7/31/2008 - Published: 4/2/2008 - Bella
Certain Revelations by Twilightzoner reviews
Takes place after Eclipse and before the Epilogue. Telling Charlie & Renee about the wedding and some other interesting revelations.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 7,051 - Reviews: 82 - Favs: 209 - Follows: 32 - Published: 5/19/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete