EmoJasperLove
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Poll: Should Emmett get a cat i know it's been over done but hey im just starting Vote Now!
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Joined 09-30-08, id: 1703810, Profile Updated: 07-12-10
Author has written 4 stories for Twilight.

I Changed my pen name! I'm Emily(: I love Jasper Hate Edward and am not as obsessed as I used to be with Twilight. You can flame me all you want but it's true!

I am scene so if you have a problem with that you can just leave now. I am crazy, hyper, and tend to get annoying once in a while. But if you tell me that i'm being annoying then I stop(:

I love the water. I love fruit juice. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK. My friends and family are everything to me.

I am a bit of a southern girl. I don't have the accent and I'm not huge on religion but when it comes to my family I will punch my best friend in the face for insulting them (luckily my best friend thinks of my family as a
second family so that won't happen) I love good ole home cooking.
My family likes to make fun of my style and I let them. They are just messing with me after all.

I have my days but most the time I'm fun and out going. I like meeting new people. I am proud to be Bisexual. If you have a problem then well that's too bad.

Oh and Emo is associated with depression Scene is associated with being colorful and happy(: In my personal opinion and from my experiences that is not true however..all the emo's I know are just as happy as the scene(: haha PROUD TO BE SCENE. Oh and Don't judge just be tolerant of differences! I mean seriously!

If you have ever run into a door, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, copy this into your profile.

If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile

Be a loser! Because being cool is soo overrated!

I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.

I don't obsess! I think intensely.

You know your in love when the hardest thing to do is say goodbye.

Dear Heart, I met a boy today, prepair to shatter.

If annoyed further, I shall bring death upon you with my lovely cheese grater.

Twilight: Because a small part inside of us broke when we realized our boy-friends weren't mythical monsters

All the good ones are either gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies.

My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems.

Oh him? He just has the most ah-dorable eyes you could ever fall for, and the cutest smile that will take your breath away And he has the ability to make you laugh when when the world just wants you to frown.

For me, crazy is a loose term. Crazy is when you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you what you are doing that is so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour-long sob fest, and then start singing and dancing when your favorite song comes on. Crazy is when you do or say a completely random thing, like "Do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?" or having a thumb war with yourself. Crazy is when you type up all your favorite sayings, print them off and tape them to your wall, just for something to do. Crazy is when you memorize the complete biographies and physical traits of every character in Twilight (or almost, at least). Crazy is when you write Emmett or Edward Cullen is hot on your homework instead of doing it. Crazy is when you act completely well crazy and make a total fool of yourself and not even care. Crazy is when you dedicate your entire being(every cell in your body) to Twilight, and fan fiction. Crazy is when you go into build-a-bear workshop and walk up to little kids saying "That's my favorite bear" in a creepy voice and then run like heck when their soccer-moms glare at you. Crazy is when you get jacked up on sugar on your school field trip to bush gardens, laugh for two hours strait WHILE riding rollercaosters, then still laugh after you get slapped by your Friends, and they pour a cold water on you, and you just stop suddenly, and when they asked why you laughed you say " I felt like it." Crazy is when for some strange reason your wardrobe scaries you so you have to army roll to your bed from your door. Crazy is hopping to class, and when asked why, you blame it on the bunnies. Even if there were no bunnies. Crazy is when you get into the wrong car when being picked up after school. Crazy is when every time your throat hurts, you hope you somehow turned into a vampire without knowing it. Crazy is when your friend goes up to a blond, pale doctor, tells him she knows his secret, and you let yourself get dragged out by security with her, and are still her friend. Crazy is when you are talking to your friends non stop (even after you've run into a mailbox at the mall) about twilight even though they haven't read it. If you're crazy, copy this onto your profile and add something crazy you've done to the list!

A good friend will comfort you if a guy breaks your heart. But a real, true friend, will go up to him and say "Its because your gay, isn't it?"

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother ! taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Emmett Cullen: Stronger Than You Since 1916

Rosalie Hale: Prettier Than You Since 1916

Alice Cullen: Quirkier Than You Since 1901

Jasper Hale: Smoother Than You Since 1843

Bella Swan/Cullen: More Of A Danger Magnet Than You Since 1987 Or Luckier Than You Since 1987

If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both...copy and paste this on your profile.

If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile

If you love rain, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you have music in your soul, copy and paste this in your profile!

If you've ever bursted out laughing in a quiet room, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever fallen up the stairs copy this into your profile

If you have ever tripped over air, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever run into a door, copy this into your profile

If you are addicted to vampires and would like to become one, post this onto your profile.

If you've been copying and pasting random things into your profile you know what to do

YOU KNOW YOU'RE AN AUTHOR IF...

You talk to yourself a lot. (Alot meaning all the time...)

You talk to yourself about talking to yourself. (e.g. 'Why do I constantly ask my self random things?')

When you talk to yourself you often talk to yourself like you're talking to someone else. (e.g. 'Have you ever noticed that deliver could mean someones liver?')

After uttering a profound piece of wisdom like that above, you stare at the cookie in your hand with awe and say, "Wow,this stuff is great for sugar highs...'

You live off of sugar and caffeine (the two greatest things ever discovered!)

You'll check your e-mail every day of the week and then disappear off the face of the earth.

You're e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random.

When replying to an e-mail, you'll never actually address the point of it.

You tend to collect Bic Stics off the ground like picking pennies off the ground.

No matter where you are in a room you never have to get up to find a pen/pencil and paper.

The letters on your keyboard are wearing off. (well no, but I've gone though ALOT of pencils)

Your friends and family think that you have carpal tunnel syndrome.

People think you have A.D.D.

You think it'd be cool to have A.D.D.

You constantly start talking in third person, present or past tense.

You start thinking about making lists like this and start giggling for no "apparent" reason

Your friends stopped looking at you funny when you laugh for no apparent reason a loooooong time ago.

And FINALLY, the one way to tell if you're a good writer: You failed English 101.

(copy that into you're profile if you fit one or more of the descriptions)

I’ve developed a weird habit of biting people.

I keep trying to kidnap Jasper, but Alice is always at his window with a bat. How does she kn…ohhh, right!

I have been diagnosed with OCD: Obsessive Cullen Disorder.

Before Bella Swan moved here, we all thought he was gay.

You haven’t read Twilight? Go shoot yourself in the foot!

Screw being a princess, I want to be a vampire!

Every time a guy ignores me, I know it’s just because he’s a vampire in love with me, and he is too polite to drink my blood.

Ya, cause I'm just cool like that.

This is all stuff me and my friends came up with!

A good friend will stop you from jumping off a cliff, A great friend will jump off with you and yell WWEEEE!!

A good friend will bail you out of jail, A great friend will sit there with you and say that was fun lets do it again!

Everyone's weird on the inside, people like me are just inside out!! =.)

To realize the value of one year,

Ask a student who failed his or her AP exams.

To realize the value of one month,

Ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby

To realize the value of one week,

Ask an editor of a weekly magazine.

To realize the value of one day,

Ask a daily wage laborer who has six kids to feed.

To realize the value of one hour,

Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realize the value of one minute,

Ask a person who missed their train.

To realize the value of a second,

Ask the person who survived an accident.

To realize the value of one millisecond,

Ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.

this is off of my friend VampireLover2234 profile! I know her she is my friend we go to school together READ HER STORIES!

Month one

Mommy
I am only 8 inches long
but I have all my organs.
I love the sound of your voice.
Every time I hear it
I wave my arms and legs.
The sound of your heart beat
is my favorite lullaby.

Month Two

Mommy
today I learned how to suck my thumb.
If you could see me
you could definitely tell that I am a baby.
I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though.
It is so nice and warm in here.

Month Three

You know what Mommy
I'm a boy!!
I hope that makes you happy.
I always want you to be happy.
I don't like it when you cry.
You sound so sad.
It makes me sad too
and I cry with you even though
you can't hear me.

Month Four

Mommy
my hair is starting to grow.
It is very short and fine
but I will have a lot of it.
I spend a lot of my time exercising.
I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes
and stretch my arms and legs.
I am becoming quite good at it too.

Month Five

You went to the doctor today.
Mommy, he lied to you.
He said that I'm not a baby.
I am a baby Mommy, your baby.
I think and feel.
Mommy, what's abortion?

Month Six

I can hear that doctor again.
I don't like him.
He seems cold and heartless.
Something is intruding my home.
The doctor called it a needle.
Mommy what is it? It burns!
Please make him stop!
I can't get away from it!
Mommy! HELP me!

Month Seven

Mommy
I am okay.
I am in Jesus's arms.
He is holding me.
He told me about abortion.
Why didn't you want me Mommy?

Every Abortion Is Just . . .

One more heart that was stopped.
Two more eyes that will never see.
Two more hands that will never touch.
Two more legs that will never run.
One more mouth that will never speak.

If you're against abortion, re-post this

Check this out...

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty

uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal

pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a

rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't

mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the

olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer

be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl

mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed

ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling

was ipmorantt! tahts so cool!

If you could read that put it in your profile

If you have a ridiculously long profile, copy and paste this onto your profile to make it longer.

If you think that TWILGHT is the best book known to man...copy and paste this onto your profile.

If your like Sharpies, penguins, cookies, close friends, and the internet, copy this to your profile.

If you love copy and paste its, even though there useless, copy this in your profile.

Most people would be offended if someone asked them what was wrong with their mind. Copy this into your pro if you would be one of the few people that would answer, "Where to begin?"

Nerds are cool. Nerds are smart. Nerds will one day rule the universe. If you're a nerd and proud of it, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever just wanted to SLAP Jacob, copy this onto your profile.

Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, than weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile!

92 percent of American teens would die if Abercombie and Fitch told them it was uncool to breathe. Copy this in your profile if you would be the 8 percent that would be laughing your butt off.

If you have ever fallen up the stairs copy this into your profile

If you have ever tripped over air, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, copy this into your profile

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa copy this into your profile.

My best friend is insane! If you agree, or if you have an insane friend, then copy this to your profile.

If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for absolutely no reason, copy and paste this into your profile

If you like/love copying and pasting stuff into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile.

If, for no warning, you have laughed during a movie part that wasn't funny, put this in your profile.

For me, crazy is a loose term. Crazy is when you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you what you are doing that is so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour-long sob fest, and then start singing and dancing when your favorite song comes on. Crazy is when you do or say a completely random thing, like "Do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?" or having a thumbwar with yourself. Crazy is when you type up all your favorite sayings, print them off and tape them to your wall, just for something to do. Crazy is when you memorize the complete biographies and physical traits of every character in Twilight (or almost, at least). Crazy is when you write Jasper, Emmett or Edward Cullen is hot on your homework insted of doing it. Crazy is downloading all of Twilight and New Moon off the books on C.D. from the libary, and listning to them over and over again. Crazy is when you dont say a thing about yourself in your fanfiction bio but insted yell random things that make you lafe. Crazy is when you start getting antisocial because you want to read instead of hanging out with your friends. Crazy is when you laugh about how Edward Cullen thinks Bella is DEAD in New Moon, even though it's a very serious matter, and your sister hears you and asks why you're laughing so loud and you tell her and she just cries about it because she thinks it's sad. Crazy is when you headbang to a slow song, or become odsessed with the song "Let it Die" by Three Days Grace because it reminds you of Edward Cullen for some odd reason. Crazy is naming your winter jacket Mr. Puffy and your best friend naming hers Mrs. Puffy and letting them marry for the winter. Crazy is when you are taking a math test and go over on ur scrap sheet of paper to work out the problem, and start drawing spirals until the teacher goes five minutes left! Crazy is having a major arguement with your friend...and i mean major...its still going on and it has already been a year...about which one is better: pudding or jello. Then at the end of the winter, they both retire and divorce each other. Crazy is when you argue with your friends at lunch with who you would rather date, Edward Cullen or Jacob Black. Crazy is not sleeping 3 nights in a row because you stayed up reading fanfiction and then jumping in bed at 7:00 am when you’re mom comes to wake you up so you can get ready to go to work with her, where there is a computer where you continue to read fanfiction. Crazy is laughing your ass off while you’re supposed to be giving a report on Pluto and then being threatened by you teacher that she will fail you if you don’t stop cackling like an idiotic hyena. Crazy is when your so high off sugar that you literally bounce off the walls for five minutes and then when you stop after ten minutes sit completely still and don't crash your friends ask you what happened, and you say I wore out my sugar rush. If you're crazy, copy this onto your profile and add something crazy you've done to the list!

If people think you are mentally insane...copy and paste this onto your profile.

If they are right... copy and paste this into your profile.

If you run into inanimate objects...and then blame them for it copy and paste this in your profile.

If you ever read past two in the morning copy and paste this in your profile.

If you have ever just wanted to SLAP someone, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you and your friends have a nickname, title, or anything else for each other, copy and paste this in your profile.

95 percent of all kids make fun of and laugh at other kids because you're different. If you're that 5 percent who laugh at that 95 percent because they're all the same, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think all the good ones are either married, gay, or fictional creatures, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever been on the computer for multiple hours, reading and writing fan fictions, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you are in love with a fictional Character, (cough cough, Jasper Hale!), copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you love rain, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you are addicted to vampires and would like to become one, post this onto your profile.

If you can read this message, you are blessed, because over two billion people in the world cannot read at all:
-I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas toghuht slpeling was ipmorantt! Tahts so cool! If you could read that put it in your profile!

If you've ever tripped where there is a WATCH YOUR STEP SIGN copy this into your profile.

If you've ever walked into a wall before copy this into your profile.

If you ever fell off a chair backwards copy this into your profile.

If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile.

If you were ever reading a fanfic and had to do something really important and had to leave and when you came back you realize you forgot the stories name and cant find it because the content was really good, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you know you have an un-healthy obession with any or all Cullens, but you don't really care because even though admitting you have a problem is the first step to healing, frankly, you don't wanna heal, add this to your profile.

If you ever wished Tyler would just fall down a well, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this one your profile.

If there are times where you just wanna annoy someone for the heck of it, copy this into your profile.

If you are anti-social sometimes, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you've met your not-blood related twin (in resemblance or personality), copy and paste this in your profile. (dude, it was weird and it scared me to death...)

If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you love rain, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you love rain on Sundays and hate sun on Sundays, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of you because of the effects, copy and paste this into your profile.

Boys are like slinkeys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs. (except for Jasper Hale, of course)

If you know the answer to life, the universe, and everything, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you've ever imagined killing off a fictional character so that you could steal her fictional vampire boyfriend, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you copy and paste so much that you have duplicates on your profile, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you know someone who should be run over by a bus, copy this to your profile.

If you have deja vu a lot, copy this into your profile.

If you probably have a body in your closet, copy this into your profile.

If you have a million and one notebooks, and still need more for your imagination and creativity, copy this into your profile.

If you spend lots of time talking to yourself and reciting lines from your fave characters, copy this into your profile.

Being normal is overrated, and being cool is retarded. In my world, being different is much better.

The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, when I grew up I was BLACK, when I'm sick I'm BLACK, when I go in the sun I'm BLACK, when I'm cold I'm BLACK, when I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, when you're born you're PINK, when you grow up you're WHITE, when you're sick, you're GREEN, when you go in the sun you turn RED, when you're cold you turn BLUE, and when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...post this on your profile if you hate racism!

Emmet Cullen: Stronger Than You since 1916

Jasper Hale: Charming Ladies since 1843

Alice Cullen: Quirkier than You since 1901

Rosalie Hale: Better Than You since 1916

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.

FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.
BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!

FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.
BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you sayin "DAMN!"

FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.
BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.

FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
BEST FRIENDS: Loses your shit and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."

FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.
BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you

FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."

FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.
BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.

FRIENDS: Are only through highschool/college. (aka: drinking buddies)
BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.

Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?

Boy: No

Girl: Do you like me?

Boy: No

Girl: Do you want me?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you cry if I left?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you live for me?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you do anything for me?

Boy: No

Girl: Choose--me or your life

Boy: My life

The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...

The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind. The reason why I don't like you is because I love you. The reason I don't want you is because I need you. The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left. The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you. The reason why I'm not willing to do anything for you is because I would do everything for you. The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life.

If you find this incredibly cute and touching, copy and paste it into your profile!

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars--points of light and reason. . .And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything." ~Edward

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you,
But the roses are wilting,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty,
And so is your head.

If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em.
If ya can't join 'em, bribe 'em.
If ya can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em.
If ya can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em.
If ya can't kill 'em, you're screwed.

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's just a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds with colds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation..)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one..)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

Funny Phrases:

"It takes 42 muscles to frown,28 muscles to smile,but only 4 muscles to reach out and slap someone."

"Doctors say I have multiple personalties. We disagree with that."

"When life gives you lemons,make apple juice,then laugh while people try to figure out what the hell you did."

"When life gives you lemons, chunck them at the people you hate."

"It doesnt matter whether the glass is half empty or half full,just drink it and get it over with."

"I'm not afraid of Death.What's he gonna do,kill me?"

A girl and a guy were speeding over 100mph on a motorcycle.

Girl:Slow down, i'm scared.

Guy:No, this is fun.

Girl:No it's not, please, it's so scary.

Guy: Then tell me you love me.

Girl:I love you, slow down.

Guy:Now give me a big hug

She gave him a big hug

Guy:Can you take my helmet off & put it on yourself, It's really bothering me.

The next day in the newspaper, a motorcycle crashed into a building due to brake failure. Two people

were in the crash, but only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road the guy realized that the

breaks weren't working, but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead, he had her hug him and tell him she

loves him one last time. Then he had her put his helmet on so that she would live, even if it meant that he

would die. If you would do the same for the person you love, copy this in your profile.

~~~~~~~ "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."~~~~~~~~

Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

A Second Chance by rachliz reviews
ALL HUMAN! Bella and Edward were best friends in Chicago until Bella had to move away with her mother. Now she is going to live in Forks with her father. What happens when she meets a blast fom the past. And how will she keep her secret from him? Find out
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 24 - Words: 46,634 - Reviews: 365 - Favs: 252 - Follows: 290 - Updated: 3/16/2013 - Published: 3/19/2008 - Complete
Big Brother Cullen Style! by Nosuchthingashappilyeverafter reviews
Uh oh!The Cullen let Alice watch Big Brother!Now Carlisle is Julie Chen, the wolves and the vampires are competing for food,and Emmett's dressed like Hannah Montana?What's the secret of her past Bella's struggling to cover?Who will win Big Brother Cullen?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 33 - Words: 28,714 - Reviews: 417 - Favs: 116 - Follows: 95 - Updated: 4/29/2012 - Published: 8/21/2008 - Complete
Congratulations by retroninjachick reviews
Bella and Edward were once best friends, until Bella fell for him, only to run away after his wedding. It's been three years and they meet again. What exactly will go down when Edward realizes he might have made a mistake? Is it too late? E/B, AH complete
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 23 - Words: 99,565 - Reviews: 1067 - Favs: 972 - Follows: 351 - Updated: 7/28/2011 - Published: 8/25/2008 - Complete
Seducing Ms Swan by DQRC reviews
AU Post-NM. Teacher!Bella, Student!Edward; a struggle of wills, an attempt at seduction, a dark secret, a dash of UST, a gallon of attitude, antagonistic motorcycling, a hell of a lot of angst and one unforgettable scene in a snow storm.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 22 - Words: 132,610 - Reviews: 5860 - Favs: 6,122 - Follows: 4,841 - Updated: 7/12/2010 - Published: 7/26/2008 - Edward, Bella - Complete
Where's My Happy Ending? by PsychoAsh reviews
Jacobs tears were too much for Bella, and she broke off the engagement to Edward. Eighteen years later, Bella's life is far from where she wanted it to be, and a series of events put it even more into a death spiral. *Don't be afraid to criticize*
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 57 - Words: 117,747 - Reviews: 406 - Favs: 115 - Follows: 71 - Updated: 6/25/2010 - Published: 1/19/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Shaken by lori mebane reviews
Anther one of my brother drammas. Edward does something stupid and Bella is torn apart only to be put together by Jasper. if you think Edward can do no wrong then DON'T READ! M mostly for language. maybe lemons I don't know yet. I'll think.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 13 - Words: 17,841 - Reviews: 103 - Favs: 59 - Follows: 107 - Updated: 6/22/2010 - Published: 8/8/2008 - Bella, Jasper
Kiss Me, Kill You by BloodsuckingLeech reviews
Bella,Alice&Rosalie are Vampires who will do anything to save their beloved Forks from a bloody onslaught. Even if they have to carve-up or sex-up their enemies. The town has gone mad as heads roll and sides are chosen. AU! Canon couples.BxE etc. Lemonyum
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 35 - Words: 86,513 - Reviews: 1128 - Favs: 837 - Follows: 528 - Updated: 3/5/2010 - Published: 6/8/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Lethal by ditz4lyf reviews
Bella Swan isn't your average vampire, She was changed by the Volturi and now she with them. She's the perfect vampire. So what happens when she meets Edward? What do they want her to do? EXB
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 15 - Words: 42,207 - Reviews: 254 - Favs: 91 - Follows: 106 - Updated: 11/17/2009 - Published: 4/23/2007
Everlasting by TouchMyGoldenHeart-SMWB reviews
When Edward leaves Bella he runs to Alaska. What happens when Bella's friends decide to take her the same place? And what is wrong with Bella? And who's Damien& what's with the riddle? Pure romance. Angst. Mystery. Suspense. And HUGE SURPRISES. NO SLASH!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 47 - Words: 112,247 - Reviews: 1430 - Favs: 457 - Follows: 245 - Updated: 10/27/2009 - Published: 3/22/2009 - Edward, Bella - Complete
Why Do Good Girls Like Bad Boys? by BloodsuckingLeech reviews
Bella,Alice & Rosalie are violent, moody, bad girl best friends in a punk band called "Royally Screwed." Edward,Jasper & Emmett are the new bad boys in school. When they meet, Forks High becomes their battle ground. AU-some human, some not. R&R !
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 33 - Words: 69,195 - Reviews: 1795 - Favs: 1,211 - Follows: 667 - Updated: 8/19/2009 - Published: 1/16/2008 - Bella, Edward
A Famous Secret by zombiebounce reviews
Bella has been lying to the Cullens, she's really a famous singer named Izzy, and she not exactly human. Full summery inside
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Supernatural - Chapters: 24 - Words: 28,163 - Reviews: 307 - Favs: 291 - Follows: 160 - Updated: 8/9/2009 - Published: 9/14/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
I Give You My Heart by lizabel411 reviews
Bella and Emmett's relationship is on the rocks. Something happened that Em doesn't know about and doesn't want to know. What did Bella do? And who's this mysterious cousin of Em's that has Bella jumpy and nervous? Read on.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Friendship/Romance - Chapters: 7 - Words: 10,117 - Reviews: 20 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 10 - Updated: 8/1/2009 - Published: 12/13/2008 - Bella, Edward
Brick by trainlindz reviews
Certainly Carlisle was a handsome man, simply exquisite by human standards, but Edward had always been fairly certain that he was fond of women. Carlisle/Edward Pre-Twilight.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 730 - Reviews: 17 - Favs: 23 - Follows: 8 - Published: 5/7/2009 - Edward, Carlisle - Complete
Changing Places by kimlovesjasperhale reviews
a Bella and Jasper story.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 31 - Words: 42,467 - Reviews: 1143 - Favs: 595 - Follows: 665 - Updated: 4/18/2009 - Published: 11/27/2007 - Bella, Jasper
A Beautiful Lie by Brindalyn reviews
They were childhood friends who's destiny pulled them apart. He became a star and she raised his son, a son he knew nothing about. A son she hid from him to allow him to live out his dream. A beautiful lie. All Human. Bella/Edward. Usual Pairings.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 42 - Words: 143,559 - Reviews: 2716 - Favs: 3,138 - Follows: 1,218 - Updated: 3/20/2009 - Published: 10/19/2008 - Edward - Complete
Trapt by Zaiden Jace reviews
Edward leaves but Bella doesn't befriend Jake.Months later a Cullen she never expected to see again, along with a very pissed off vampire seeking revenge, appear. Will that Cullen,or rather Hale, be able to save her?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Suspense - Chapters: 24 - Words: 35,110 - Reviews: 330 - Favs: 210 - Follows: 138 - Updated: 3/8/2009 - Published: 8/30/2008 - Bella, Jasper
Unwelcome Past and True Eternity by Secret Hate of Indecision reviews
After Edward left Bella in Forks, 2 years later, Bella gets into a car accident and gets changed. But who changed her? And, 40 years later, Bella meets the Cullens in high school. Only...a lot has happened in 40 years. Lots of romance and fluff! R&R!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 24 - Words: 84,851 - Reviews: 689 - Favs: 701 - Follows: 317 - Updated: 1/9/2009 - Published: 7/11/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
A heart restored by Zoobert reviews
What if Edward and Alice were the new kids at school? What if Jake had just broken Bella's heart and she was now befriended by the new girl Alice with a mysterious brother.Throw in some jealous and obsessive ex's drama drama drama! All human.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 35 - Words: 88,919 - Reviews: 1218 - Favs: 631 - Follows: 423 - Updated: 1/3/2009 - Published: 3/17/2008 - Complete
There is No Such Thing As Normal by COMMA OF THOUGHT reviews
She had never fit in anywhere... so how was this any different? Bella is about to do something she never thought she would be able to do. And she's scared. But will some advice from a mystery man at a gas station help her? Can she have a real life? AH/EXB
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 2 - Words: 7,540 - Reviews: 23 - Favs: 14 - Follows: 10 - Updated: 12/29/2008 - Published: 12/15/2008 - Edward, Bella
Oh, Those Crazy Cullens by bradensmama reviews
Yet another AIM conversation. Sucky summary on our part. This has been written by two best friends. Enjoy! Artichokie&Squirt Formally recognised as meloveUlongtime!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 24 - Words: 45,787 - Reviews: 67 - Favs: 32 - Follows: 22 - Updated: 12/28/2008 - Published: 7/31/2008
A lot like love by indigenousbleu reviews
Bella is a nerd. Edward is Mr.Popular- who don't know what he wants. Bella goes to Italy over the summer with his family but he dosn't pay attention to her and comes back amazing. He wants her. But does she want him? R&R .All human
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 18 - Words: 20,973 - Reviews: 731 - Favs: 250 - Follows: 277 - Updated: 12/22/2008 - Published: 3/25/2008 - Bella, Edward
New Direction by just drifting reviews
I was felt cold, which was weird because vampires don’t get cold. That’s when I noticed it. It was a heartbeat. My heartbeat to be more specific." Rosalie is given another chance to be human. Will she be able to get everything she's always wanted, needed.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Family - Chapters: 5 - Words: 7,378 - Reviews: 34 - Favs: 13 - Follows: 14 - Updated: 12/15/2008 - Published: 10/3/2008 - Rosalie, Emmett
Alive and Scarred by COMMA OF THOUGHT reviews
what if Edward were still a vampire but a lot more social? what if Bella was girl with a unique gift and a troubled past? LifedeathLovehate! My First fanfic! plzz R&R!CHAPTER 30 IS UP! sorry for the wait! pictures and songs from story are now on profile
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 31 - Words: 37,766 - Reviews: 522 - Favs: 139 - Follows: 161 - Updated: 12/11/2008 - Published: 3/28/2008
24 Things Emmett is not Allowed to do Ever by Lyn-Cartlascedemus reviews
The title tells you everything. Also instead of expanding on this list I am going to make a list of things each Cullen cant do. Ex: Edward is not allowed to, Alice is not allowed to, ect.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 496 - Reviews: 64 - Favs: 73 - Follows: 16 - Updated: 11/24/2008 - Published: 10/15/2008 - Emmett - Complete
Never Again by TouchMyGoldenHeart-SMWB reviews
What if Edward came back to Bella but didn't find her in her house? where is she? and how is she. TWO-SHOTS. PLZ R&R
Twilight - Rated: K - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 2 - Words: 5,002 - Reviews: 48 - Favs: 52 - Follows: 18 - Updated: 11/24/2008 - Published: 11/23/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Who says sex is sacred? by Carden88 reviews
Alice and Bella are room mates. Edward is coming into town to introduce his girlfriend to his family. Tanya breaks Edwards heart. He needs help to get over her. Bella is willing to be that help. No strings attached. AU-All Human Lemons and language!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Drama - Chapters: 11 - Words: 19,822 - Reviews: 350 - Favs: 222 - Follows: 431 - Updated: 11/4/2008 - Published: 7/21/2008 - Bella, Edward
Shameless by silent.but.strong reviews
Edward left, Bella never jumped. Instead she dropped out of high school and moved to L.A. She became a singer in a band, and is a major celebrity. Bella hates the Cullens now, what will happen if they come to find her? language.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Angst/Humor - Chapters: 15 - Words: 25,941 - Reviews: 267 - Favs: 191 - Follows: 107 - Updated: 10/24/2008 - Published: 8/24/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Life With The Cullen's by Blue Trumpeter reviews
Regular and out of the ordinary life with the cullen family. Its really funny plz read and review
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 8 - Words: 6,674 - Reviews: 28 - Favs: 12 - Follows: 11 - Updated: 10/20/2008 - Published: 9/20/2008 - Bella, Edward
Never Let Me Go by featherwing reviews
Jasper Whitlock met Bella Swan during a time of war. They fell in love, but the heartless struggle of a torn country will tear them apart.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Tragedy - Chapters: 13 - Words: 24,515 - Reviews: 144 - Favs: 69 - Follows: 88 - Updated: 10/2/2008 - Published: 3/25/2008
Tainted Love by indigenousbleu reviews
After leaving with Edward. Bella has a child. She is turned into a vampire. 17 years later she comes back to Forks with her vampire daughter. But she finds out that Jacob is her teacher and she's dating his son. R&R.Better then sounds- TEMP HIATUS!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 9 - Words: 4,613 - Reviews: 88 - Favs: 33 - Follows: 42 - Updated: 7/30/2008 - Published: 3/12/2008 - Alice
Five and a Half Hours by just drifting reviews
Five and a half hours after the Doctor left Rose he returns.
Doctor Who - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 958 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 1 - Published: 4/20/2008 - Complete
Blue Dawn by bitexbrittany reviews
Edward left 6 years ago.Bella was raped and became pregnant.She moves away to North Dakota.Will Edward try to find her?Will she love him?Will Kilee want him in her family? R&R
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 3 - Words: 3,025 - Reviews: 24 - Favs: 14 - Follows: 27 - Updated: 9/20/2007 - Published: 9/16/2007
Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

My Twisted story reviews
This is just the twisted story of after Edward left Bella for the 2nd time. They meet 70 years later after Bella is changed what will happen. Hint Bella hates Edward for a while. First chapter is just back story for now.The rest will take place afterward.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 8 - Words: 2,996 - Reviews: 15 - Favs: 13 - Follows: 12 - Updated: 6/7/2010 - Published: 10/2/2008
Twice the pain reviews
Alice leaves Jasper then he finds someone new but she dies! So why did Alice leave and what will Jasper do now? One shot unless you tell me you want more!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 2 - Words: 803 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 12/17/2009 - Published: 5/3/2009 - Bella, Jasper
Me against the world reviews
Bella is a bad ass Vampire and the cullens have moved into her turf. How will she react No one knows but you can bet that someones going to end up injured!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 3 - Words: 772 - Reviews: 18 - Favs: 13 - Follows: 16 - Updated: 12/17/2009 - Published: 5/2/2009
AIM meets Twilight reviews
ok so this is my first fan fic and i suck at summaries! so basically it's just random funny stuff. AND DOCTOR WHO so yea read and find out how he fits into this! please!Thank you!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 6 - Words: 1,135 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 5/2/2009 - Published: 10/2/2008